mfw i yet again notice im actually pretty introverted & have low confidence

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

To Land On Your Feet - Chapter 03

I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! Sorry if it's an hour or two late across time zones; school was much busier than I was expecting it to be! (This version is even later since I passed out last night before I could hit upload.)

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Summary: Aizawa Shouta had a good life. He was a happily married pro-hero teacher, had two cats that loved to make his life difficult, and soon, if things went well, he would have Shinsou Hitoshi as a son. Thanks to an unexpected attack by a man with the League of Villains, though, Shouta is turned into a cat. While he had a fondness for cats, that never meant he wanted to be one, especially when no one seems to recognize him and his friends and family are trying to find him when he’s right there.

He had been planning to find a way to change back, but instead he ends up following Shinsou Hitoshi to the foster home he lives in after hearing some worrying information from the teen himself. Shouta himself was guilty of venting his frustrations to cats, but hearing that Hitoshi would be locked outside in the cold if he was late getting home was just another clue among countless that something was wrong. He has to get back to normal, but he’d be a poor hero and a shit father-to-be if he didn’t follow the kid and make sure he was okay.

Besides, quirks like this usually had a time limit. Right?

              <<First Chapter>><<Previous Chapter>><<Next Chapter>>

                                              Chapter Three

‘Alright, kid, if you have a secret secondary quirk that deals with hearing the thoughts of cats, now would be a great time to tell me about it.’ Shouta thought the words as loud as possible, unsurprised and yet still disappointed when Hitoshi scratched under Shouta’s chin as if he really was nothing except another street cat. ‘I don’t look that different as a cat, do I?’

“You’ve been through a lot too, huh?” Hitoshi’s voice was soft and quiet, Shouta frowning when the kid brushed over the scar under his eye. ‘Too,’ he had said. Shouta didn’t like that. “It’s okay. The scars always fade away eventually.”

Okay, that Shouta really didn’t like. He knew Hitoshi had a rough past with the way he spoke about some things, but the kid was so walled off it was hard to get anything personal out of him. Hizashi liked to call it karma, but Shouta was scared with how much of himself he saw in Hitoshi some days.

“Oh, hang on, I got just the thing for you!” Hitoshi moved to sit in the middle of the sidewalk as if he couldn’t care less, Shouta wishing he could laugh as he saw Hitoshi dig around in his bag before pulling out cat treats with a wide smile. “I feed the strays I see from time to time, so I always make sure to have a few treats on me. What do you say, buddy, want some?”

Right. Hitoshi, his student that he had a great deal of parental feelings for, was attempting to feed him cat treats. Blinking up at Hitoshi, and seeing the kid look so cautiously hopeful to the point he was holding his breath, Shouta withheld a sigh and moved forward to eat a few of the treats.

Really, it was a logical decision. His body was exhausted and, while this may be an entirely different story if he were human, the cat treats would go a long way in restoring his energy and settling his hunger. It had been almost a full day since he had last eaten anything, after all, and this was better than nothing.

If part of the reason he did it was so Hitoshi would look a little less worn down and tired, well, no one had to know that except him and maybe Hizashi when this mess was over.

“You’re pretty lucky, kitty. I usually leave earlier than this, but today has been… pretty bad.” The dark tone of voice had Shouta feeling more of those parental type feelings.

Since he couldn’t sit by the kid and offer him silent support, he settled for pawing at Hitoshi’s knee and giving a warbling meow that had him wincing. Honestly, how did people think he was an actual cat?

“Thanks for trying to make me feel better.” Hitoshi offered him more cat treats and a tired smile, Shouta only eating the treats to try and cheer Hitoshi up. “My…” Hitoshi trailed off, looking away for a moment before pushing out a sigh. “My teacher, Aizawa-sensei, is missing. He’s a pro hero who was on patrol last night and he didn’t come back.”

‘Oh, kid…’ No wonder Hitoshi looked stressed and worried. Shouta knew his homeroom was no doubt running amok and attempting to confront the villain that had done this to him, but he had hoped Hitoshi wouldn’t have to deal with the stress of this. ‘And I can’t even tell you I’m alright, huh?’

“It’s actually pretty funny.” The smile Hitoshi had on was hollow and fake and seemed to be a mirror image of the smiles Shouta once gave to Hizashi. “I didn’t learn about it until later, because, see, I train with him, right? He’s training me to get into the Hero course, so we train after school and he teaches me… everything, pretty much. He’s never late, though, but he was today. He was late and then half an hour passed, and he didn’t show up and I actually thought he just got sick of dealing with me.”

‘What?! Oi, kid, I know you have as many self-worth issues as some of my students, but you have to know by now that I wouldn’t give up on you! Isn’t that obvious? Am I not obvious enough?’ Shouta’s lecture came out sounding like yowling similar to his cats when they were angry, Hitoshi only laughing instead of looking properly chastised.

“You sound like Yamada-sensei,” Hitoshi grinned, trying to distract him with another cat treat. Shouta ate it out of pity and idly wondered how many treats Hitoshi kept on him. “‘S okay, Yamada-sensei came in around the time I started thinking that. I honestly thought Aizawa-sensei was dead for a few minutes with how he looked.”

‘Oh, Hizashi,’ Shouta sighed to himself, no doubt sure that Hizashi was worrying himself to pieces over this entire mess. The USJ incident hadn’t been that long ago and Shouta still saw traces of Hizashi’s fear from that event. It was in the way he hovered next to Shouta’s right where his vision was weaker, and in the way he sometimes flinched and tensed if he couldn’t automatically spot Shouta when entering a room.

“He offered to take over my training, but we just talked, instead,” Hitoshi said, rubbing at Shouta’s cheeks and almost managing to distract Shouta. Another thing to take note of, it seemed, was that his new body responded as a cat would to outside stimulus. “It was… bad. He didn’t even have his hair spiked back or anything and he was quiet. You probably don’t know this, kitty, but Yamada-sensei is actually Present Mic. Present Mic isn’t ever quiet, but Yamada-sensei can be, sometimes. This was a bad quiet, though.”

‘Not that I’m not grateful, but why do you never talk this much when I need you to? Do I need to start attaching microphones and cameras to cats before sending them your way?’ Shouta wished he had the words to complain, settling for swatting at Hitoshi’s hands when he started getting too distracted.

“You know, kitty, sometimes I wish I wasn’t so broken.” The words startled Shouta into almost jumping, his full attention now on his kid. Hitoshi didn’t seem to notice, staring off into the distance, instead, and seemingly lost in his thoughts. Shouta wished he could just properly frown or, even better, nudge Hitoshi to go back into the school or the dorms or the spare bedroom he and Hizashi had started unconsciously cleaning and decorating for a teenage boy who loved underground heroes and cats.

When Hitoshi started to gain that frustrated look of having too many thoughts that he didn’t know how to voice, Shouta tried for another meow, headbutting Hitoshi’s shoulder, thinking to himself, ‘Sorry, kid. If I was more careful then we could be having dinner right now and you two wouldn’t be worrying so much.’

“Thanks for being such a great listener,” Hitoshi smiled, looking to come out of his thoughts as he gave Shouta another scratch before glancing at his phone, frowning the moment he did. “Sorry, kitty, I gotta get home. I’ll be locked outside if I’m late again and the temperature is supposed to drop tonight. If I get another sore throat, then my teachers will find out about it. I barely snuck by with the last one.”

‘I knew you were sick that week! You kept insisting on physical training over quirk training and refused to even talk half the time.’ Now Shouta was glad he had kept sneaking the kid vitamin water that was good for that kind of thing. ‘Honestly, you’re lucky Hizashi was so wrapped up in work that week or…’ Shouta’s thoughts trailed off into a background hum as the words Hitoshi had said finally registered.

Locked outside. Locked outside when the weather forecast, last he had checked, was supposed to be near freezing. That hadn’t been a joking tone, either. That tone was simple, tired, and so matter of fact it was like Hitoshi had been complaining about how tomorrow would be chilly instead of sunny.

“Thanks for listening to all my rambling, kitty. Maybe I’ll see you again sometime.” Hitoshi gave him a smile before pushing himself up and brushing his pants off, starting to walk away from the school.

Shouta knew, without a doubt, that he should be working on getting to Hizashi and Nedzu and contacting the police. One of them, no matter how many it took, would realize who he was eventually. It was best to get this matter over and dealt with sooner rather than later, but Hitoshi was walking away as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, a longing, sorrowful, tired expression that he never let others see if he could help it.

Shouta’s body was moving before he could even think, new and unfamiliar paws breaking into a quick sprint that had him catching up and falling into step beside the now startled teen.

“Oh! You wanna walk with me for a while, then?” That tired expression seemed to lighten and Shouta knew, without a doubt, that he made the right choice. Hizashi would be okay; especially once Shouta explained why he had been gone for so long, but if he let Hitoshi leave on his own now, then Shouta would be a pretty shitty father-to-be – especially after hearing something like that.

“You know, you’re pretty strange, for a cat,” Hitoshi said after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “You’re not a normal cat.” The words had Shouta perking up as he shot his head towards Hitoshi, delighted that the kid might have realized who he was, even if it had taken him a while. “You’re some sort of god in animal form, aren’t you?”

Maybe it was a good thing he was a cat, if only so Hitoshi would never know he laughed at that. It was hardly Shouta’s fault, though. He just… he had never heard Hitoshi say something so childish. It was nice. It was good. It showed the kid was more comfortable than he had been all those months ago.

Jeez, it had only been a few months, but Shouta had already latched onto the kid as much as Hitoshi had latched onto him back. It had been hard not to feel something for the kid when Shouta first saw him at that Sports Festival. Even bandaged, high on pain medication, and fighting off a burning headache, Shouta had still seen so much of himself in Shinsou Hitoshi.

Hitoshi had come so far from that suspicious, beaten down teenager that had been expecting trouble and detention when Shouta had first approached him after classes were over with a proposition. Now here he was, against all odds, laughing and joking about a ‘stray cat’ being a god in disguise.

‘Do you even realize how far you’ve come, Hitoshi?’ The kid always complained about never seeing any change in himself, but he had come so far.

“I can tell you’re laughing at me,” Hitoshi pouted, dramatic and childish as he threw his arms about much like Hizashi might to make a point. “I mean, just look at how big you are! You’re probably as tall as me- Here, c’mere, kitty.”

Hitoshi prodded and nudged at him, careful and wary in a way that spoke of being bitten by strays before. Shouta made sure to butt at his hand before standing himself up on his hind legs just to satisfy whatever tangent the kid was on now.

“See, look at that! You already come up to my chest!” Shouta… did. He knew he had been turned into a house cat, but now he was re-thinking that he might be some sort of other big cat. When standing up on his hind paws he easily reached a little below Shinsou’s chest. Shouta had to be four feet head to tail at least- Actually, maybe it was four feet without the tail. “You’re either a divine creature in animal form or a big cat that escaped from the zoo.”

‘Your guess is as good as mine, kid.’ Hopefully the quirk that had been used on him didn’t have any delayed surprises. He didn’t want to know how this could get worse. ‘Come on, Hitoshi. Let’s get you home.’

Dropping back down to all fours and giving Hitoshi a nudge to get him moving, Shouta found himself content to listen to Hitoshi ramble about his day as he started walking again, complaining about Nemuri, who was his homeroom teacher, and the sub for Hero Ethics, which was the class Shouta usually taught. Hitoshi seemed to have so much to say and, luckily for them both, Shouta had a knack for listening to chatterboxes ramble about their day.

As they walked, though, Shouta couldn’t help but to think about how much better it would be if he was able to respond back, Hizashi on Hitoshi’s other side and adding to his stories to blow them even more out of proportion.

One thing was for certain; Shouta needed to find a way out of this mess.

am i seriously back to using a vent tumblr? just to release out a bunch of feelings that i build up all the time, never leaving and just sitting there rotting me from inside out? really? this shit’s pathetic for me but that’s okay, i guess its just because i don’t wanna use a journal or anything. i’m probably gonna be more personal with these (of course not saying anything directly like.. names, or whatever or any business like that) but less general and not gonna tag my posts anymore because what’s the point even? what am i trying to achieve here? an outlet for the sake of self - expression? it all seems pointless and worthless of what i’m trying to make of it, but i just really wanted to express an issue on my mind recently so,,, why do i let people speak for me ? when you fucking try and talk for me, saying how i FEEL and what i want done its so fucking annoying. don’t try and step in for me because i don’t want it. you governing what i do, even if i’m fucking self-destructing, i never asked for advice! or your surface level explanation of my problems when you know NOTHING! only i know what I’M feeling and honestly you don’t have to translate it back to me because i never asked or offered and i’m much happier figuring it out on my own and dealing with it on my own because of how people like you deal with it and react to it and honestly i just think keeping it to myself is the best i could do because at least then people like you wouldn’t be enticed to watch me fail more, watching it and observing it from the sidelines because OH NO!! you don’t know what to do!! like my life’s some romanticized tragedy for you to explain for me! do you know how many times i’ve tried saying i think i have something or something about me is NOT regular and everyone’s like lol nah its something else! 

like, i’ve come to so many conclusions and i’m sure i don’t need you to confirm or question what i’ve gone through. why does everyone need the longest explanations or the most tragic thing to happen just to prove you’re hurting? i don’t need to fucking kill myself for people to take me seriously, do i? honestly feels like it now because everytime i’ve spoken up or said anything it’s always the same wishes to get better or speak up whenever i’m feeling down when guess what genius? I ALWAYS FEEL AWFUL!!!! like, when’s the last time i’ve actually felt happy? being with people just feels numb and i feel like a geniune disappointment and really just wanna self-isolate. maybe it’s my grudges or automatic responses but god do i not wanna depend on anything for any sort of happiness. i’ve got myself, ykno? you know nothing about me but you pride yourself on it because of your stupid ass god complex that fools praise you for?? i mean, maybe its not that but regardless, people treating me like i’m some helpless little baby, incapable of fending for themselves is annoying as shit!

i guess me being indecisive shouldn’t be everybody’s problem to deal with and i’m a fucking sore to be around, but could you just like.. leave me alone and leave me be? i want you to listen, but you doing shit for me turns me away from reaching out when i’ve said the most to this group about only ONE specific issue. like. a generalization, maybe, admitting how much i just don’t wanna be here at all and they zoom in on it just feeling so bad for me and its like.. the events in my life don’t owe me an apology for essentially the inevitable. feeling constantly sorry for myself and drowning in my own pity has been so common for me and a habit i’ve sworn off on and its more just letting myself indulge in how i feel. but at least now i recognize there’s room for acceptance of whatever’s gone down and whatever i release late at night crying or whatever. i speak about my issues by even a simple statement and suddenly everyone’s feeling sorry for whatever’s went down and i don’t need your pity. i don’t need to feel more like i’m useless, someone who can do nothing. every time i wake up i sit here wondering what the fuck i’m actually doing and i feel like i’m just running without a cause, running aimlessly, running from myself and shit i’m tired. i’ve always been tired and just,, you don’t owe me your apologies for my loss. it’d be so GREAT if not every time my family meets up, its always a mention of the same death that keeps me up wondering what i could’ve done for help.

the spot i was born to fill -  i know i don’t live for anyone, but honestly it seems the fault and blame is all on what i failed to do. even if i’m a disappointment, letting it go seems unnecessary. maybe its a thing on my mindset, and so i live just ignoring it and doing silly ass shit, but it always creeps up on me doing random stuff and i have nothing to do but take it and know i’m not gonna say anything about it. it comes back in simple moments - just the despair of being known and around others. the fact that i’m being perceived and people know me and it feels so fake. everyone claims they know things about me but its always so false and just my pushover ass trying to make people recognize any appeal they see in me. i strive for it and it just seems like everything people complain about seems so,, inconsequential to what i’ve felt. sure, i know it’s been hard for you and you deserve so much credit but what’s it like just to feel terrorized every time you just.. exist? i don’t have to do shit and the thoughts just loom there always, and its just a part of me. a draining parasite - without it, who the fuck would i be? all i feel seems to be the same thing and getting “better” seems like such a betraying idea.. how do you trust that? the fact that you could feel actually valued hanging out with anyone? it’s not on them and i feel so bad they have to deal with me because everything i have is self-inflicted and such a battle in my head and honestly i just wish i could sleep and escape, but you gotta face shit, yknow? thing is, people try to make me face this shit in front of them like i’m a puppet in their show, like, the sudden confrontation and my reaction to it makes me feel like a deer in headlights. i can work it out fine on my own, but with everyone’s perception of me and that spotlight,, i don’t want people to think i’m helpless. who am i even trying to impress here? i wish i could be there with you without fucking disassociating so hard because my brain doesn’t know how to think with happiness or react. anything good i feel i just feel so undeserving and i suddenly get bad memories every time anyone treats me nice,, like, i don’t need your happiness and i guess i just really don’t like being around people. to be in darkness, just indulged in it - away from anyone. that seems so peaceful. you only really exist through the ideas you give others and i guess i just wish i wasn’t known because that has the opportunity for people to see how shitty i actually am and act and how i’m just so wasteful with my life. every waking moment is a reminder of things that happened and i just feel so hollow and filthy and like a husk of anything. i feel devoid of any type of emotion usually except for this deep, aching fear and panic, just some sadness that i face all the time and i guess its just so waring on me but this is how i’ve always been. probably since i was like, what, six or seven? first time i saw someone with a bloody face and truly acknowledged what was going on, or at least my first memory of it. little did i know then, and it was stripped away so quickly as i came to that awareness. to be unawarre is really just the bliss, isn’t it. i just don’t feel deserving here and i don’t think i ever will because i just feel so heavy all the time and ANGRY and raging and experiencing emotions so hard but nobody ever sees it and i’ve gotten so good at masking it that nothing of what i even feel feels real to me!! what if i’m just making it up like every other fucking thing i show to people?? to be lost in time and forgotten would be lovely and the experience of being here in retrospect sounds so nice, but i’m so lost in my own thoughts a lot of the time that i don’t have much i think i appreciate.

and if you tell that to anyone, they don’t get it. they think you don’t appreciate them or whatever, but the truth is i DO! i’m mad at myself for not being able to express this properly! my emotions are always such a mess and i have such a bad time at verbally expressing what i fucking feel and feelings are so HARD!!!!! I APPRECIATE YOU DUDE!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU!!!!! BUT I’M SO SCARED TO EVEN FEEL THIS????? MY BRAIN REACTS SO HARSHLY TO IT AND SO I COME OFF AS SO COLD OR ON AND OFF AND I’M SORRY BECAUSE I CAN’T CONTROL IT BUT I WANNA CONTROL IT FOR YOU AND I JUST AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA WHY AM I SO AWFUL. drops mic i don’t wanna write anymore and even this doesn’t feel adequate and it probably seems so much more different from what you see so. i really just don’t make sense huh