I was talking about Hiram and the Deviless and soullessness today, and the thing that makes it all so compelling to me is:

There is a void inside you that can never be filled. A part of you will always be missing no matter how much you don't care about it. But what if one day you actively chose to care about someone and that's what ultimately saves you.

What if the person you chose to care about the most was the one who took away your ability to care in the first place? What if you were already caring about them, and you had to choose to care again, knowing that you could never do it in the same manner as before? Would you even care this much if that old part of you was still in place? Was that feeling so different from the active choice you make day after day after day?

Much to think about.

Turtle Takedown Teamwork.

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what exactly is kisame kicking around doing in the reborn au? Or did I just miss this somewhere, i know hes friends with itachi somehow but like, what ELSE is he up to???

obito isn't around to fuck up kiri, so kisame stays and goes for his position as one of the seven swordsmen again. i don't think kisame is a Plan Guy so he's not going to go out of his way to make dramatic changes, but he might go into certain other pieces of Kiri Drama with a more firm sense of his own stance & what he could do about it.

i'm not actually 100% sure what was just The Shinobi System Is Fucked vs Obito Fucked It Up so I might change the details, but I can see Kisame assassinating Yagura earlier if a civil started or the bloodline elimination nonsense happened? so let's say the minute there were whispers of the civil war, kisame was like "lol no," did some assassinations, and threw in with mei. most higher-ups know what kisame did, but he has mei's support and between that and his own reputation, no questions him. mostly he's trying to be a good kiri-nin while also clinging to his personal ideals

(i briefly thought about mizukage!kisame, but i don't think he'd really go for it if someone else was available because, again, he's not really a Plan Guy. plus being mizukage gives him less time to be doing other stuff)

he runs into team 4 at their chunin exam! and he joins akatsuki as kiri's representative :)

honestly I relate to bean eclipse and it kind of scares me

Also please may we know what bean eclipse's boundaries are like does he prefer not to be picked up, I don't want to stress him out, I can relate a lot and I don't want him to have constant panic attacks like I do from too much boundaries being broken

Well-

Oh. HMN. Okay.

He doesnt like STRANGERS picking him up. But also hes a touch starved dude so its something that just depends. Such as someones oc has picked him up and successfully lulled him to sleep. Try being tall.

Dont stress too much about Eclipse tho, he's just recovering from like several things (Like Lunar is, and bloodmoon- technically). Its a process he needs to learn where his own bounderies (and others also) need to learn.

A lot of his panic mostly comes from like... family stuff I would say. This is a long recovery road. Strangers don't know him, thus aren't a threat as much. He just hates being touched randomly. His main defense mechanism is lying and seeming in control afterall.

Yeah we've already talked about how outright stupid the lore n writing for modern Doom is, but tbh I can understand why they had to do something with Doomguy, why they had to make him The Specialest Boy instead of Just Some Guy. Do I like how they did it? No, I would've taken it a different direction. Do I think that hugo could've done it well even if he took it in the direction I would've? No, I have minimal faith in his story writing. But realistically, how many times can a guy singlehandedly accomplish the impossible before you have to acknowledge he's very much not Just Some Guy who happened to be at the right place at the right time? I think that, with how every single other person on the Phobos UAC base were killed in Doom I, doomguy stopped being Just Some Guy the moment he decided to do anything other than just lie down and die.

thinks again about how asgore breaks the mercy button bc he doesnt want mercy, thinks ab how he could theoretically kill you in one shot thinks about "If a monster doesn't want to fight, its defenses will weaken" and thinks about how asgore's defense weakens and thinks about how his hands don't hurt you and thinks about how, if you spare him and flowey's dead, he kills himself and thinks about "I like Santa Clause. He's a nice old man that never changes. No matter how cruel everything gets, he laughs calmly… and comforts the people of the world...I was never an excellent leader. But i think i might be a nice Santa Claus." Thinks about---

you ever just

yesterday the lady I've been helping with housekeeping picked her daughter up from daycare early, who was very adamant that I watch tv with her, so once I finished the rest of the stuff for her mom, I watched over her shoulder on her tablet for a bit. it was like, some deeply vapid looking obviously low budget 3dcg cartoon she'd found on netflix that had some uninspired stereotypical "for girls" plotline going on and in my head I was like, is this really interesting for you??? there's gotta be better children's programming out there these days right???

so naturally I'm currently I'm scheming about how to send landlady copies of like, classic magical girl stuff or between the lions or even pokemon or something

Wonder Woman (2016) #797

okay like genuinely these past few days the only stuff that seems to be coming my way on tumblr is negativity towards, and moral condemnation of, characters i like. and at this point i’m like two steps away from biting peoples heads off. like i think if i see one more shit take about a guy i like i’m going to start ripping people apart limb from limb im not even joking

Top three moments from robocop 2 that make me think that frank miller accidentally made robocop trans

dunno if anyone has or would catch onto this, but in my fic “all the petals fall,” i lowkey based helia’s reaction to flora using witch magic on a wangxian dynamic !! hehe… oh to transcend the rigidity of your moral scruples through an inciting incident by someone you deeply love… romance.

examples under the cut:

“One against two, Lan WangJi still refused to back off. He gazed at Wei WuXian, “Wei Ying, for cultivating an evil path you would eventually have to pay. Throughout time, there has not been a single exception.” Wei WuXian, “I can pay.” Seeing how unconcerned he seemed to be, Lan WangJi lowered his voice, “The path would not only damage your body, but your heart as well.” Wei WuXian, “Damage or not, how much damage, I know it the most. As for my heart, it’s my heart after all. I know what I’m doing.” Lan WangJi, “Some things you cannot be able to control at all.” Displeasure flashed across Wei WuXian’s face, “Of course I can control it.” Lan WangJi walked a step closer. He seemed to be about to speak again when Wei WuXian closed his eyes, “After all, on the topic of how my heart is, what could other people know about it? Why should other people care about it?” Lan WangJi paused. He had suddenly been angered, “… Wei WuXian!”

excerpt from

grandmaster of demonic cultivation 魔道祖师

mo xiang tong xiu | translation from exiled rebels scanlations

“Lifeblood is dark, Flora,” Helia insists. “You saw how you were out there. You were bloodthirsty. It controlled you.” “I never lost sight of myself,” Flora argues. “I swear to you, I never did. If I had, those wizards would be dead right now. I would’ve ripped their arteries from their bodies and taken their hearts as spoils of war. But I didn’t because I was only using my power to save my friends. My friends and you, Helia, the man I love!” “Do you even hear yourself right now, Flora?” Helia says, bewildered. “All this talk of blood and murder — I never thought you to be capable of such morbid affairs!” He pauses, “No, wait, I did. You and the Winx are strong, you’d be able to do anything for the sake of the universe. I just never thought I’d see you take such joy in it.” “Lifeblood is life, Helia,” Flora says, exasperated. “Dark and light are not as diametrically opposed as you think. They’re codependent. One would not exist without the other. In the end, they’re both morally neutral — what matters is the wielder’s choices.” “Morally neutral by whose standards?” Helia queries, resigned. “Mine? Or yours?”

excerpt from

all the petals fall (of the flowers that bloomed in my heart)

lynpheas | ao3

spent the evening reading through all of the like galley pdf copy of the 2 trans 2 furious zine and a great time start to finish like it was Not an effort to keep at it despite its being like 160 pgs. and despite my not having ever seen a f&f movie or really especially directly "correctly" being interested, though i'd ofc love to see any of the films like live & in person w/a bunch of trans strangers, say

laughed and teared up multiple times and thought about how impressive and creative entries were and like, the momentum was easy, everything was engaging and intriguing and invigorating and enriching....and Printed Editions (that ship to US & canada) are still available for pre-order, for about another week (also the window given for us going over the digital copy for edits/corrections lol) soooo. again i like haven't seen any f&f movies, and that didn't impede anything at all, and it was a fantastic time:

and another reason i'm like Oh My God So Appropriate To Have Sent In An Entry is how, like, it's all transformative fun and serious yet not somber Media Analysis on media you don't have to have actually even seen, or "like" straightforwardly, or at all, or be the "correct" audience for, or have an "intended" interpretation, lol, lmao....like this is Extremely our shit out here lol, what one is up to all the time in the world of Billions Series Analysis like, personally haven't even seen it, i'm not cishet enough to be the intended audience or otherwise sharing various particular assumed perspectives that are occasionally required to even parse, much less enjoy, some material....and yet!!

and like, if there was an all-autistic contributor's fun fan media analysis / commentary / parody / exploration / transformation / etc zine about billions? it'd be like wow how exactly me, and yet ofc i'd be at way more of a loss at what to scream abt winnie, perhaps ft. & tay, and the overall [billions]ing, much less how to actually execute that lol. it was easier to do a Very 101 Intro To: Cam Stone Exists Btw, nonbinarily, in that i limited myself to One Page so i could actually feasibly get it done, but in doing so i, as expected, could only say a fraction of what i could say about cam, were i explaining things in full / just unleashed, and skim the surface but just go "they exist btw and here's a tiny bit of further 101 info." it's not like, An Issue, b/c i don't think the [everything] that i could say would work great in full, and i can't write a great little short form piece of text about them (or winston, or anything else)....but it was also like, well if a trans f&f zine Doesn't have the trans f&f character in it then what are we doing, and We Know Of Cam Stone, so the most feasible [handing out a flyer] version of telling ppl they exist has gotta be done

and it's like, it's (relatively?) matter of fact to this end of only having so much room to put in words, and definitely ending up having to squeeze lines in vs struggling to fill the space. it could've been weirder, or funnier, or hornier, but it successfully exists and maybe it's a little weird, funny, and horny (drew an Especially [ooh sexy cam stone]-tinged pic lol) and whatever is difficult for me to perceive abt my own personality infusion in whatever, like how i have to be reminded like oh right, my Art Style, the way that Eye draw lol....and of course, i can't and don't expect my one page informative crash course intro to cam stone to be able to be Everything, any more than years' worth of lots of [winston billions] material in various formats of various extensiveness from various angles has been Everything. and the zine as a whole can't be Everything but it is, in fact, So Much abt So Many Things from so many different approaches. i enjoyed everything, especially like, "An Ode to X" as in fast x, which evolves into "x" as an (implicitly nonbinary) in-universe character and i was Moved and teared up, and i see it immediately follows "Jason Statham Will Call My Dad A Pussy In Fast 12" which moved me and made me tear up, which follows an entry that's a haiku about each film, none of which i've seen, which i didn't get misty about of course but was fully engaged with and enjoys, which follows my entry

there's naturally plenty about roads and horizons and racing and speed and i'm also like, i'm a gay who can drive, and i can feel it re: the trans contributor whose entry mine follows which is about their irl experiences driving in a demolition derby, inspired by f&f. and i can feel it re: enjoying f&f beyond how you're "supposed" to, or how you would in a cishet(tm) way, and how so many of these entries had resonance, and that intrigue and engagement, and lenses on where to find explorations of gendering which will kind of Have to come up whenever anything succeeds in approaching things that are genuine and really truly more To Life, even while the point of f&f is not to be "realistic," especially about, you know, the driving and what you can do with cars, which i fully appreciate and definitely understood more for cam stone being in a story ramming through a wall outracing an avalanche hacking cop cars and defusing bombs and ramping over bucket wheel mining excavators and being swept out of the way of a train that was going full speed but silent until like 0.05 sec ago when it also burst through a wall or something? and whomever all is involved with racing like a rocket launch fr. and having fun, being yourself, and killing people, hell yeah

and like, the [this is like my autistic ass out here laser pointing at winston billions as autistic and having that lens on this media that doesn't intend it or directly invoke it] relevance also Of Course in that, through kompenso, that is where it is like yes as i have that personal symposium of ongoing compounding unfolding branching distilling consideration, analysis, appreciation, transformation, etc going on, so too does my colleague as the world's preeminent tayficionado, which is where they looked into akd's oeuvre and found the cam stone material, and passed it on to me, then passed on the [zine call for trans f&f contributions], So

and that, just like as is also found crucially in kompenso / the then preexisting & all eventually following winnie n tay material, there's that Autistic and Trans resonance. some particular quotes from this zine were especially like, oh, pointing, pointing...."Thirty minutes into my visit, I suddenly just didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t feel angry, not really very sad at all either. I just longed to be elsewhere. A different place, with different people, within a different moment. And then every cell in my body pleaded to not feel that way in all of my moments, in every group of people, in all places." ....[from a poem, ft. formatting thusly:] "It made me feel important, kind of? Like, more present? Like people talked about me a lot but never exactly about ME, if you know what I mean. I mean, of course sometimes I could feel something inside of me. A sneaking or, like, a skittering. I just kind of figured everyone feels that sometimes, like really deep down, right? It’s just that no one really talks about it, you know. That’s what I figured." ....[from a section of a contribution w/the context of the author not yet knowing that they're trans]: "but he was familiar and didn’t make me think too critically about much in the world, especially myself, especially as he never seemed too interested to ask me about me—not that I would’ve had much insight to share at the time beyond “please do not think too deeply about how I am.”"; and then, w/the context that they do realize, and have expressed, that they're trans: "but I was still learning about the concept of mattering, so I didn’t push the issue of basic respect at the time." ....from another submission, that is Sooo: "maybe i am transing Fast and Furious just by loving it" ...."Discovering, loving, and sharing this franchise (and myself) with others has been such a wildly different experience—maybe even the opposite experience—than self-policing myself into who I thought I should be. It’s nourishing, welcoming—an open invitation to learn and grow rather than an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing."

an ongoing test to constantly worry about failing....here ofc a parallel to Gendering, and, ofc, the autistic & trans [handshake] and resonance, to Autisting....i resonated with plenty, genderingly, but this wasn't a surprise or even like, my focus, and of course not all the entries themselves Textually mention [gendering], but it's like, a trans space in a zine lol, a baseline of that understanding and perspective, vs having to be actively looking. nonzero textual neurodivergence mentions, too, and other lenses of ways to be Othered / non normative, like race, nationality, religion. the overarching, Constant [omg sooo me] resonance is that of like, having this foundation of refusing Limits, of approaching a Rich Text a hundred different ways, w/different tones, and different formats, and different experiences and ideas explored. you don't need the source material to acknowledge any noncishet people textually exist (to be understood by noncishet audiences), or to be deemed Good, or Enjoyed, or your entry to be proffered as like, correct and definitive rather than One exploration you could offer up, amongst many offered by many others who could say more, again, differently....i've been like, balancing excitement for having this contribution, and its being like ooh fancy lol this is the one time i can say i have (non self-)published work, and it'll be Out There, and (including all contributors' gifted copies) apparently that ft. abt a thousand printed copies atm, and the digital distribution option hasn't happened yet....along with, like, it can't even be my comprehensive, definitive [cam stone exists btw] theoretical Ideal Entry lol b/c that would not be feasible for me to make or to be put into a zine. knowing i have Points on my side for it being crucially relevant lore (and the competition being hotter for the small form text entries, though there's other illustrations, comics, collages, edits, etc) like, yeah the strength of this isn't in its being as weird or funny or horny as anything could be, lol....but my Personality is embedded in it as per like, see: how that Journey of relevant interests and enthusiasms and engagements and perspectives and weirder, hornier, more extensive and varied works led up to and contribute to this piece's existence (such as, years of drawing winston 9000 times being part of how my drawing looked in march, when i made the cam stone piece)

and like, in not seeing everything as a test to fail, in seeing [when are you seeing things as that test to fail], &/or similarly/overlappingly seeing [when are you seeing things as a test to Prove Value to others or something and achieve person status in their eyes b/c of it] like, lol, i hope a thousand plus ppl learn cam stone exists, and it'd be fun if they enjoy that process. put in little floaty hearts as flair, just as i often do, b/c by now i just Know and Embrace that i do. and i'm not like "i hope everyone ever is blown away" b/c why would they be lol, and that's fine. like how even in [i just say some shit abt winston billions, and ofc abt myself and my experiences / perspectives through winston billions while knowing that's not what's "meant" out here probably maybe though put me through to will roland, yknow...] i'm like oh don't be thinking abt proving your value w/this specific oeuvre lol like. anyone Caring as validation like, it's too late by now, i like people liking shit and getting anything out of it but it's like, i'm doing my thing, i'm having a specific ass symposium abt quantent and billionsing "wrong" that eye enjoy, i enjoy getting any feedback/attention on shit i put out there in case ppl wanna partake, i don't enjoy any/all of it in any/all ways just so long as it's Anything, yknow. like same with interactions/attention on Me as an autistic person who actually exists, lol. speaking being exhausting when it's ppl saying shit At me, would-be "positive" attention that's from someone like deciding what i'm like or what i'm communicating and wanting something from me, that shared discussion Abt something can only be a gateway into like "normal" exchanges to "normally" socialize, finding that pattern of not being worth effort unless it's effort that gets something out of hurting you / thwarting you; all versus: i have plenty of expertise knowing myself vs needing feedback, i like doing my thing, i like doing my thing Alongside others, probably strangers, within a certain context, like being cooped up at college and socially recharging by going ""alone"" to the coffeeshop down the block, while going "with" people would generally be a mixed bag if not disheartening to even distressing. which, here i am, doing my little thing alongside strangers in this context of transgendering and fun and serious but not not funny and varying and daring and earnest materials exploring something that's about anything or everything or nothing, and not made for You, but here you are anyways, as you always have been

anyways, that is to say, like, perfect that it's turned out so like "yeah you don't need to have seen the movies even" and such enriching Reflections and like, so different and yet cohesive without needing to like, painstakingly group or order things to create some Connections, they're all there, and i'm like damn yeah cam's quarter-mile V neck, so fucking true. and i'm like, this is so Me, without having to be like, "and that is b/c i have put Me on the page, in full, with utmost success, and Everyone Will Love It (Me)" lol, which was not like, a danger, but that's through all the years of going [everything is a test i'm failing / can fail at any moment] and yknow, even up to recently and this very moment wrangling with and realizing things like, hand on shoulder are you looking to "earn" some estimation of Value in others' eyes that they can only choose to give by seeing everyone as a fellow person w/inherent value who deserves basic respect. like the mortality mondays that ramped up since late january, but also since '09, but also since like forever in different forms, and back when first discovering billions and, for like the only time while we've been watching, Knowing when everything in a season will air, but also not thinking i'd get to see it, and now in a similar boat, but different (having done "nothing" on paper over the years but like, been Realizing Things, been powering up, been assigning the Value to myself and Understanding myself & my experiences further. and also other things that you Could put on paper, but yknow), and like, it's still about [grr let me see billions through, even though i don't even see billions] and still about [!!!] despite it all and things that are "unserious" and also not and who needs like a certain kind of validation from enough of certain kinds of people

anyways, the autistique resonance within it, and in the process of reading it, and having our specific path to sending something in, and making it. it's an excellent ride and it's very epic that it exists so consider that print copy preorder if you want (plus the intended eventual digital distribution option, not yet available)

I think about that post thats like, 'the difference between romantic and friendship feelings is mostly intention' sometimes and while on some level I vibe with it completely I also dont think its actually true. Because I can clearly see other people having clear divisions that are not determined by a decision and rather determined by just Feelings. And I dont think im able to experience that line, whether its due to orientation or something else. Idk if im aro or not but for me that post is Absolutely true I could Easily fall "in love" with any of my friends but I wouldn't want to make them uncomfortable so instead im just vibing. But also I do see the many things that depict it as some extra mysterious Feeling rather than okay i choose You so I know my (+that posts op) experience isn't actually the norm

Do you think that the little mermaid would be jealous of Gerard? She gave up her tail and her voice (we can assume) to live on land and it's likely she, because of the original myth, is in pain A Lot because of her transformation. And Gerard may hate being a frog (which like Yeah. It does suck and there a lot of trauma and powerlessness he associates with his current transformation I'd bet) but he gets to go on land and walk around while she can't go home and even if she can live on land it's Hard. Y'know?

nothing like an hour long yoga class to still feel like you want to take a lighter to a safety pin to your thigh :)

but hey i'm starting a new job tonight, surely that will cure me