JASICO WEEK DAY 3: Angst/Comfort

CW: major character death, grief

Nico runs his brush over the lettering on the face of the headstone, delicate despite the dirt worked into the cracks. He should be harder with it, he knows -  it’s not like he’ll be able to break it. The headstone is too new for that, not worn down with age like the others in the cemetery. The dirt around the grave is so fresh, weeds haven’t even begun to grow over it, not that Nico would let them. He’s gotten good at weeding. Pruning flowers. Anything, to take care of this spot. 

Jason Grace, the headstone reads. Beneath that, his rank, and years of service. The date he died. 

Nico brushes his thumb over the curves which mark Jason as seventeen on his day of death. One of the eldest in the graveyard. 

Back when he first heard, when Nico first felt the impact of Jason’s death like a saw blade through his gut, Nico couldn’t come visit the grave at all. Every reminder of Jason being gone was too much, the weight of loss sitting in him in a way Nico hadn’t felt since he was ten years old. He didn’t know what to do with himself, with his grief, except to cry, and cry, and cry. 

He’s glad to be past that stage. His heart still aches, every day is still hard, but Nico can breathe through it, now. He can clean the gravestone, and talk to Jason even if Jason doesn’t talk back. He can make sure this site is as respected as the man it honors. 

Nico adjusts the flowers Hazel brought last night, a bouquet of blue and purple and white. Jason would think they’re pretty. The smell would make him sneeze. 

His favorite color was yellow, though. Nobody ever brings Jason yellow flowers. Always blue, like his eyes, like the sky, like his father. 

Daffodils. Nico will have to bring him some daffodils tomorrow. And irises, and carnations. Maybe Persephone will help him put together a bouquet. She always had a soft spot for Jason, not that she’d ever admit to liking one of Nico’s friends. Whenever Nico would talk about Jason with her, she would listen with this look on her face, like Nico was saying the most interesting things. It felt good to know someone appreciated Jason in the same way Nico did. 

Maybe not the same way. But as close as someone else could get. 

“It’s been a good day today,” Nico says. He runs the brush over the crown of the stone again, gentle as before. “Things have been slow. Father hasn’t given me as many jobs this week, and there’s finally been a lull in attacks near the borders. Hazel and Frank are introducing a new bill to the senate tomorrow, which…well, I’ll tell you how it goes, then. I don’t want to jinx it for them.” 

A breeze blows through the valley. Nico leans back, tilts his chin up into it. 

He closes his eyes. He can almost imagine the wind in his hair is Jason’s hand, ruffling in a way nobody else has ever been brave enough. Easily affectionate, despite all the ways Nico threatened him, kept him at a distance. Jason was just like that, always eager to be there, to hold, to comfort. 

Gods, Nico wishes he could’ve accepted one more hug. Had one more conversation. 

It’s starting to rain. The temperature drops and the sky darkens and Nico can smell it, the dampness in the air. The first drops splatter across his cheeks and his nose, his lips. He doesn’t flinch. He’s used to sitting out in storms, now. 

“I love you,” he tells the sky. 

In return, the rain pelts harder, quickly turning from a drizzle to an outright downpour, soaking Nico’s hair to the root in seconds. His clothes stick to his skin. 

He still doesn’t move. 

“Don’t cry with me.” It’s silly, to act like the rain is Jason’s doing. Still. It helps Nico cope. Sometimes, if he imagines hard enough, he can still see memories of Jason’s grin, that scar on his lip, the tilt of his nose while the skies opened up around them, a display of power, a force of nature.

Nico never saw Jason cry. He supposes Jason never saw him cry, either. Just another thing they’ll never get to share. Another thing they missed. “You’re going to drown your flowers, at this rate.” 

The deluge does not die down. 

It’s enough to almost make him laugh, the sudden mental image of Jason scowling down at the flowers he doesn’t really like at all, the ones that make him sneeze and itch. Jason Grace, mighty son of Jupiter, champion of Hera, using all of his power to destroy a few flowers that have wronged him. 

Nico didn’t get to know that side of Jason very long, the side of him that was a young boy, the side of him who was a person. But gods, of everything they did get together, that is what he’s happiest to have had. The truth. Not the son of Jupiter, not the champion, not the praetor. Just the boy. 

Nico smiles, even as he cries, leaning back in a graveyard during a near-biblical rain storm. Nico smiles. 

Every day, it gets a little easier to. Every day, he hopes Jason is smiling back, from wherever he is. 

That's a wrap.

2023 is on its death bed and I'm both happy and sad about that. Personally, this year has sucked on so many levels and for so many of my loved ones. But four months ago I published my first title under Addison Acres and so my foray into the world of M/M publishing began.

It has not been easy. It was a hell of a learning curve, and I still feel out of my depth some days. It's hard bloody work. I work full-time and I also study part-time so it's not like I can sit and write all day (as much as I wish I could). I needed to take the leap though because if I kept on saying 'I just don't have the time' then it was never going to happen.

I've published 2 shorts and a novella on Smashwords and I think I've done okay with them. To date I've sold 768 copies. Yes, some of them have been freebies (Draft2Digital counts those in total books sold) but hey, I'm pretty happy with those numbers. Have I made millions of dollars? Pfft, no. Have I made thousands? Yeah, nah. But I've made a about $700USD so far.

Yeah, I don't have a problem talking about stuff like this. I know a lot of people are very hush hush about money but one thing I've discovered coming into this gig is that there's very little data to measure against. Who knows if this means I've been successful? I fucking don't! But maybe another indie author will see this and go 'Hey, that's similar to what I managed' or 'I made more than that so I'm doing really well!'. So yeah, I'm happy to throw out my figures if it'll help someone else. I'm not raking in the cash, and I haven't had my first title become a crazy best-seller and I'm suddenly playing with the big kids. I'm still very much a baby in this industry, finding my way.

Ultimately, yes I got into this publishing gig to make a few extra bucks. The cost of living has sky-rocketed and my job does not pay well. I adore it though so I needed to do something to supplement what I make. This isn't going to pay off my mortgage but it's paid for a new water pump for our rainwater tank and a delivery of hay for the alpacas. I've also re-invested some of my royalties into my writing. I've purchased the Atticus software and I got a bundle of photos from Depositphotos to use for book covers.

There's still a lot I need to do. I have yet to set up a newsletter, which is much to my detriment. I feel like I need to have a NL magnet first (which is the term used for a free story readers get when they sign up for your newsletter). I feel like no one will sign up for nothing so I've not set one up yet, but I have no idea what to write for the magnet...

I've been doing a lot of promo work on FB with joining release parties and giveaways but it's hard work. The marketing side of things takes up a lot of time, which yeah, I don't have a lot of. I did set up an Instagram account but I've hardly used it as it's very, very full on and I haven't really had the spoons. I know I need to invest more time in that, and I will try in the New Year but we'll see how full the cutlery drawer is first.

I also made the choice to do Tumblr instead of Tik Tok. Probably a very stupid choice since BookTok is huge and people get a lot of exposure on there. Why didn't I? Well, firstly, I'm really not very good at making videos and editing them. It's so very time consuming. Secondly, I like Tumblr. Is it a dumpster fire? Yes. Am I a bin chicken masquerading as a human? You betcha. So, yeah, I feel comfortable here. But I know I need to invest in more time here also.

Anyway, next year is a new year. I am currently working on a project that I've told no one about because I feel if I do, I will jinx myself and my motivation will fuck off to the moon. So, there is something in the works for publishing maybe in February. I'll be looking for beta readers once I've gotten it finished so if you're interested, hit me up.

I've also created a new logo because I haven't really done that and I figured I really should. I've made 4 variations to use for different situations and I really like it. It's pretty.

Anyway, I've rambled enough. Just wanted to do a little wrap up for the year and to prove that I'm not dead lol

Enjoy the final days of 2023 and I shall catch you all on the flip side.

like THE thing i want to be at this point in time and that is my goal that i am striving towards is to be Mature, and now during my first forays into adulthood or at least in 2019/early 2020 where i was HEAVILY ANTICIPATING/wanting to prepare for entering adulthood, it seems like the main thing here is about self-control or self-moderation, AND IT TURNS OUT! SELF-CONTROL IS NOT JUST ABOUT TELLING YOURSELF "NO NO NO NO" OVER AND OVER AND TELLING YOURSELF NO IS NOT ABOUT GOING "THAT THING IS BAD SO YOURE BAD FOR CONSIDERING DOING IT NEVER DO IT" LOL like of course there's times when it's best to slap ur own hand and just go "no, not right now" but "no not right now" doesn't mean "no, never" or "no, not with/to anybody at all" or "no, it's not appropriate or called for or fitting for any situation/place ever at all" etc and also holding yourself back/off via going "NO CAUSE I SUCK" is so infuriatingly fruitless like, glaring issue of whatever youre telling yourself you suck for not even being a bad fucking thing in most cases aside, i can't think of a single situation where degrading yourself over something would be more convincing than telling yourself "this isnt a bad thing and im not bad for wanting to do it, but this isn't the time and/or place for it and it'd make me and, if applicable, anyone else involved happier if i saved it for when it Is the time and/or place for it", when you just go with 'oh it's cause i suck' it stops feeling like choosing to be better for yourself and for others to make everyone feel and be better and safer and happier, and starts feeling like a punishment and being shamed and targeted and like help and kindness is a chore, and when it IS about something you do/did that hurt someone then you go "that hurt them and i need to own up to this and let them know i don't want to hurt them and learn how i can get better and to actually actively BE better going forth" NOT "OH I JUST SUCK SO ME BEING OUTWARDLY BAD INSTEAD OF JUST THINKING I'M BAD MAKES NO DIFFERENCE LOL" AUUUUUUUGH LIKE IM SURE YOU CAN SEE THE ISSUES IN THINKING LIKE THAT WOULD RESULT IN BUT JUST GOOD FUCKING GOD. like, when i was getting closer and closer to turning 17 (and therefore 18 "soon" after wuh oh!!!!) i was scared that me learning to be responsible and mature and owning up to things was just gonna be me having to tell myself everything i wanted to do was bad and i was bad for everything i already had done and id have to prepare for getting told i was bad by everyone else any time i couldve stopped myself from doing something but didnt and i had to prepare for a lifetime of being awful to myself when i had just gotten sick of and (mostly!) stopped that but now i'm an adult and have frames of reference to go off of and i can and HAVE see/n that no it's not like that at all, and from what i've lived out so far it's much more like "you know, i don't think my friends want to hear that, to my priv twitter it goes" "i wanna do this NOW but i don't know how to handle it safely and i think i'd end up hurting myself so i'll just say i Wish i could do this and leave it there" "i could be lazy and half-ass helping out my friend but i care about them more than i've already said so far shows and want them to be as happy as i can make them so i'll do what i can" (cause i think sometimes self-control is going 'yes do this more/do it more in this other direction' not just 'no, rein it in'!) than it is "no cut it out you look bad when you do that" "why are you even considering that it's fucking weird" "people are already getting sick of you for the few times you HAVE done this so fucking stop it", AND GOD ASIDE FROM IT FEELING WAY BETTER JUST TO LIVE WITH IN MY OWN HEAD IT HAS MADE ME WAYYYYY MORE WILLING TO BE AND (HOPEFULLY) ACTUALLY ACTIVELY BE RESPONSIBLE AND BETTER AND WELL. MATURE LOL

Shadowhunters Fandom Story - Part Five

Submitted by @ladymatt​

Five Favourite Stories 

Dietary Restrictions by @alexandergideontrueblood

Why I love this fic: I’ve enjoyed many stories from this writer but I’ve settled on this little gem because in exactly 1,500 words it served up a memorable tale of relationship woes between Frat Boy Alec and Incubus Magnus that still manages to tug at my heartstrings. Against a wickedly humorous backdrop, we’re treated to mutual pining, crude banter, searing honesty, an unconventional first-meet and the priceless image of a not-so-angelic angel bathed in moonlight as his heart breaks. Sometimes the best stories require fewer words, and it's the little details that give us the bigger picture - and when a writer can give so much story while inviting you to fill in the blanks, you know'll you'll always remember it fondly!

Favourite Quote:

Love fucking sucks, Magnus thinks, running hands through his hair and tugging at his angelic robes. He’d been going for irony, but now it’s just irritating because not only does he look like an angel, he’s going to end up celibate like one too. Magnus is the living embodiment of lust and he can’t even get a 21-year-old frat boy to fuck him.

The Way It Should Be by j__writes

 Why I love this fic: This bittersweet story of two people falling in love while they’re not free to do so actually made me feel things I didn’t expect and for characters I’d never thought it possible to care for - all because of the painstakingly honest way Jackie wrote each of the characters, with their all-too-relatable flaws and virtuous intentions. Each scene is laden with emotion and telling gestures, the incremental shifts in everyone’s relationships written with a deft touch that left me almost as conflicted as those involved - but ultimately relieved. When a writer makes me feel the unthinkable, you know the story, and the writer, is a keeper!

Favourite Quote:

“The worn dark leather, all the photographs of teens you’ve helped, the old man caramels in a bowl, even the potted hosta— your office, Alexander, feels”—Magnus closed his eyes breathed in deeply, holding his breath in for a moment and smiling as he exhaled—“warm, comforting, safe. It feels like you.”

Anonymorous by @superficialpeasant​

Why I love this fic: I can’t read this fic without laughing out loud, mostly thanks to Clary’s enthusiastic gratitude and Alec being one giant pillar of salt throughout - I always love reading this writer’s work because humour is never far from the surface. The instant chemistry between the two masterpieces as they’re lost to everyone but each other in that most public of settings, certainly doesn’t hurt either, and the intimate teasing and burgeoning attraction that’s central to this ‘exhibit’s’ success is deeply satistying to witness, as is the post-performance leap of faith. I’m guaranteed to enjoy whatever delights are served up by one of my favourite fandom writers!

Favourite Quote:

“Remember to have fun. Be yourselves. Focus on each other," Alec can almost hear her pumping her fist into the air, "Get those orgasms!”

Alec just about reaches out to smack her again, hisses, “We’ve got it, Fray.”

The Difference Between Knowledge And Knowing by @otppurefuckingmagic​

Why I love this fic: This wonderful story offers us a window into Magnus’ world, a magical place where his unique connection to everything and everyone around him is both beautifully explained and easily visualised, thanks to Sam’s evocative words and perfect characterisation. That it focuses on what makes them special to one another and adds yet another layer to the bond between them would be reason enough to single it out for praise, but this writer’s incredible gift for capturing the importance of the occassion is what makes it a favourite of mine!

Favourite Quote:

“It’s not just your personal aura. Yours and mine….” Magnus hovers his hand over Alec’s chest, searching for words to explain what he sees. “They are like the shoreline. Right now, there are…waves crashing out of you—like a storm-surge sweeping in—and mine is like the shifting sand, molding to the shape of the waves and being drawn out. Two separate entities that push and pull, yet never part.”

Stupid Cupid by @unrestrainedlyexcessive​

Why I love this fic: With a distinctive writing style and a hilarious penchant for dry humour, this writer has entertained me countless times by managing to weave the reliable threads of familial bonds, unlikely friendships, disastrous relationships and razor-sharp observations about life’s ups and downs, into stories that always feel relatable, even when dealing with supernatural or fantastical situations. With plot twists and soul-searching to keep us on our toes, this guardian angel fic is but one example of how wickedly good this writer is at playing with our affections - in the best of ways!

Favourite Quote:

“I know it’s silly, but what if I used all my talent up?”

“I’ll make it easy for you: you probably have.”

Magnus rocks back on his heels, face hot and hands balled into fists. “Oh my sweet fucking god, you’re the worst guardian angel ever, you angelic dickhead.”

Author Story

Before Malec lit up my screen and burned their way into my heart, I neither read nor wrote fan fiction of any kind, and would've laughed at the suggestion of me ever posting something online - but here we are, 29 stories later, and I can't imagine a day passing where I don't feel the need to somehow touch base with these characters - either through my own or other people's stories - because I find them so rich in complexity and character that the potential to explore them through so many different lenses is too good to pass up - especially with all the talented creatives in this fandom! Yet, I also can't imagine ever wanting to write anything other than Malec, despite enjoying all manner of different show and ships, because I'm just not motivated by them in the same way - and I'm fine with that! My forays into writing are an escape, a chance to use my imagination, and if someone enjoys them, I get all warm and fuzzy - but as far as my writing journey goes - I'm afraid it begins and ends with a magical warlock and his loyal Shadowhunter!