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#so here is basically what my thoughts where. i wrote a lot to my gf but these points summarized it

eunseoksimp · 19 days

Note

Omg i am the one who requested a part 2 for the "love me , love me not " and i was told to suggest my ideas through the inbox, I wasn’t even sure where to do that soo yeah.. if this is the right section I’m glad. First of all ,your writing always makes me soo mad (in a good way) and makes me want to beg for more, even though I love your writing and would prefer the story you could come up with you kindly ask for my suggestions so hear me out, Eun Seok is kinda of obsessed with Yumi even though he has a girlfriend and their relationship was steady and better this time so he starts spending all of his time with his gf which make yumi feel insecure, hurt and everything (you named it) so she starts to distance herself from him which leads to his mental break down. Also, make her hate him a little bit and make it very toxic.. Kinda. This is all no pressure 💕 like I said it was too good in my head

thank you so much, for liking my work and also sending me this request. i initially had no intentions of writing a part 2, but your ideas definitely helped me.

i got extremely carried away (over 6k words is crazy), and i wrote a lot of this at work, so i hope you enjoy :)

Toxic!Eunseok x Yumi

Warnings: extreme manipulation and gaslighting, mentions of depression and substance abuse, suggestive content, basically eunseok just being the worst person ever.

read part one for some background on their dynamics here.

. ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * .♡ *:･ﾟ. ݁ ˖ ࣪ . ⋆ * .♡ *:･ﾟ. ݁ ˖ ࣪ .

‘i’m sorry yumi, you know i love you.’

she’d heard this all before, eunseok pleading for her mercy, telling her that he loved her and not to get mad at him. and of course she would easily find herself forgiving him, melting into his touch as she told him not to worry. tonight was the same.

eunseok was supposed to take yumi out the day before, to celebrate the one year since they began their own messed up version of a relationship. only, that didn’t happen because he instead rushed over to his actual girlfriend’s side for her art exhibition.

he was so caught up in showing up for her, that he forgot to at least inform yumi. she spent two hours, doing her makeup till she was sure her face was perfect, curling her hair and ignoring the times she burnt her neck with the barrel. she had put much thought into her outfit, mulling over the better option for what felt like 30 minutes.

then she waited, excitement flaring up inside of her as she anticipated his arrival. even as the time ticked away, getting closer and closer to the time of their booking she still waited.

she sat upright in her living room, not wanting to rumple her clothes, ignoring the growling noises being emitted from her stomach because she didn’t want to ruin her makeup.

‘i’m sure it’s just traffic. maybe he got caught up in something. maybe this is all part of his big surprise.’

she comforted herself with these possible scenarios, trusting that eunseok would come to her eventually, like he always did.

only this time was different. she sat on standby until the clock struck midnight, their anniversary passing her by in a flash.

it was only then that it became obvious that maybe, for once, he wasn’t coming today.

she sighed, ridding herself of her jacket first, and untying the ribbons weaving up her calves to free herself from her heels, kicking them across the room.

at a slow pace, she began to undo her hard work, messing up her hair, wiping off her makeup, getting changed back into her pyjamas. every two minutes she would tap her phone screen, expecting a call or a text from eunseok. but there was nothing.

and even though she felt hurt, even though there were tears pricking the corner of her eyes, her lip quivering, all she could think was, ‘i hope he’s okay.’

the next day rolled over, and yumi didn’t get much sleep, in the event that eunseok would call her, explaining the whole situation to her, telling her how he wished to be there with her, how mad he was that he didn’t get to see her yesterday.

but it was radio silent. she had made up her mind that if he didn’t communicate with her by midday, she would go over to his house to see him. she knew that he might not be pleased, seeing as he always told her to never show up to his place unannounced.

but she was sure he would understand, that she was just worried, and maybe he would feel her sincerity. only to be met with a totally different reaction.

‘you shouldn’t be here,’ eunseok dragged yumi inside first, looking back to make sure no one saw her before following after.

‘i’ve told you not to-‘

‘come to your house unannounced. i know this eunseok,’ yumi would be lying if she said she wasn’t a little dejected at his response to seeing her. did he not miss her like she did?

‘then why did you come? you know how much i hate it,’ he looked agitated, hands in his pockets as he stared her down.

‘our anniversary. you didn’t show yesterday and i thought something happened,’ she couldn’t help the sob that escaped her lips at the end of her sentence, frustrated and angry at the fact that even though her feelings were hurt, eunseok’s were more of a priority.

at the sight of her face, and how close she looked to breaking down, eunseok began what he called damage control.

‘i’m sorry yumi, i had an emergency yesterday then my phone died. you know i would have loved to take you out,’ he lied, but she was none the wiser, sniffling as she aggressively wiped her tears away with the back of her hand.

‘i really wanted to see you.’

‘i’m sorry yumi, you know i love you,’ and with those simple words, he had her in the palm of his hands. she would go on and on about how much she loved him too, about how relieved she was that he was okay.

‘let’s go out today then, it can be a late anniversary celebration,’ yumi suggested, moving to wrap her arms around his waist. eunseok flinched, not unnoticed by her as she frowned, stepping back.

‘sorry it’s just… i’m supposed to go watch a movie with minjeong,’ he refused to look her in the eye, afraid of her reaction.

but before she could say anything, there was a brisk knock on the door before the sound of someone entering the passcode traveling all the way to the living room.

as quickly as he could he almost shoved yumi, rushing to the door, not even bothering to look back at her.

‘hey baby,’ he lifted her into his arms, spinning her around in the process as minjeong squealed, arms coming around his neck to steady herself.

when he eventually put her down, she grabbed him by the neck to give him a kiss. it was deep, and it lasted long enough for yumi to feel the ache in her heart intensify.

minjeong pulled away, pressing another quick kiss to his lips before her eyes finally settled on yumi, shuffling awkwardly on the spot, eyes darting around the room.

‘hi?’ she tilted her head, looking back at eunseok to explain who the mysterious girl was.

‘my love this is yumi, she’s my partner for the new project we have. she came over to get some materials,’ he waved yumi off like she was insignificant, his eyes set only on minjeong.

when had his love changed? since when was she reduced to just a classmate, someone not even worth a decent introduction.

it hurt, immensely, and the corner of yumi’s lips quivered as she tried desperately to hold her cries in, making her way out of the apartment.

she looked back one more time, eunseok not even concerned about her feelings, or at least subtly trying to make sure she was okay.

that evening the rain poured down heavily, the wind spraying every single drop in her direction.

she felt her clothes cling to her body, and the way her fingertips were slowly turning red, a sharp pain accompanying it.

she didn’t flinch when the car that sped past her had drove over a puddle, splashing her in the process and adding more to her pain.

‘he doesn’t love me anymore. eunseok doesn’t love me anymore,’ these were the only thoughts consuming her mind, as she walked in a zombie like state.

she felt numb, like she was floating and observing her lifeless body drag herself through the city, no destination in mind, legs walking on their own.

‘why doesn’t he love me?’ she was so preoccupied, trapped into her own mind that she didn’t notice the once green crossing signal turn red, or the sounds of the cars revving their engine.

she stepped into the middle of the road, mind still far away until she felt two strong arms pull her backwards, almost stumbling in the process.

for a split second she was hopeful, whipping around, praying that it would be eunseok behind her, telling her how worried he was, that all the things he did in front of her face was an act so minjeong wouldn’t get suspicious.

instead she was met with the face of a complete stranger, towering over her, his eyes raking over her now shaking figure, worried about her.

unable to hold it in any longer, she broke down in his arms, the grief crashing down onto her as she clung into him, choked sobs leaving her mouth.

although he didn’t know her, he felt sympathy, pulling her closer to him and he let her cry, offering gentle rubs on her back.

she cried and cried, until she was certain there was no more water left in her body to expel, and yumi felt weak, unable to move from this strangers embrace.

‘do you have your phone with you,’ he asked, still practically cradling her.

she shook her head, closing her eyes as she felt an impending headache.

‘how about remembering anyone’s phone number? someone who could come and help you? could you do that?’ he was ever so gentle with her, treading lightly due to her sensitive state.

he handed her his phone, watching as she put some numbers in his phone. he stayed with her as she explained to the other person on the line that she needed them to pick her up.

‘thank you,’ her voice was hoarse, and barely above a whisper as she gave him back his phone, but nonetheless she expressed her gratitude.

‘you’re welcome…’ his voice trailed off when he realised he didn’t know her name.

‘jung yumi, my name is yumi.’

‘nice to meet you yumi, i’m sungchan, same jung clan too,’ he smiled warmly down at her, and she managed to also reciprocate a weaker one.

‘then maybe fate brought us together.’

sungchan stayed with her until chaewon ran up towards them, hugging her tightly as she went on about how worried she was.

‘thank you so much for taking care of my yumi. lord knows what would have happened if you weren’t here,’ chaewon said to him as he helped her walk yumi to her car.

‘it was my pleasure. i couldn’t leave her all alone out here.’

he pitied the young girl, wondering what could have possibly occurred that could turn her into this state. but he knew better than to pry, especially when it seemed like she was still recovering.

so he did all he knew he could do to help, by helping yumi get into the car, waving off the two girls and waiting till they turned the corner till he made his own way back, wishing her the best.

but yumi on the other hand was broken. chaewon had taken her home, promising to stay over with her as they cuddled on the couch, indulging in sweet treats and mediocre romantic comedy films.

‘is it eunseok again?’ she asked after a while, her chin resting on her head as yumi snuggled further into her chest. she didn’t have to reply for chaewon to know that he was the cause of her agony, the silence filling in the gaps.

‘one day i’ll kill that man i swear, for hurting you.’

‘you can’t. i don’t think i know how to live in a world without him,’ yumi whispered, and chaewon just sighed. she was so irrationally in love with him, it would be hard for her to move on.

‘yes you can. you’ve done it before, and you’ll do it again. it’s time for you to let that bastard go.’

she said nothing else, allowing yumi to soak in her own thoughts, wanting her to build the conviction to free herself from his clutches and rediscover that her own happiness did not revolve around that boy.

even though she knew it might really be time to move on and leave him alone, that it wasn’t logical to cling onto someone who clearly didn’t love her back anymore, she still waited for a call or even just a text.

maybe he would come around and realise that he needed her just as much as she needed him. but days turned into two weeks, and she received no attempts of contact from eunseok.

wallowing in despair seemed to be the only thing she knew how to do, frequenting bars and the liquor store whilst she consumed unhealthy amounts of alcohol. the thought of food repulsed her, and she was unable to stomach anything, sticking to supplements and her sparse drinking of water.

she had become defunct, devoid of any signs of a real human being inhabiting her body. it was hard for chaewon to watch, and she became more and more distraught.

‘let’s just go to a cafe or something. it doesn’t have to be a big deal, grab a few drinks, talk, anything to get you out of the house,’ chaewon pleaded with her, willing to do anything to get her out of her funk and able to assimilate back into society.

‘i don’t feel like it chae, im tired.’

‘you haven’t left your room in three days, yumi i’m starting to get scared,’ she held her hand in hers, crouching down till they were eye level.

‘please just try, for me. i just want you to be ok.’

eventually she gave into the begging, allowing her to drag her every which way in her apartment, helping her wash her hair, picking out her outfit, even adding a little bit of makeup.

yumi couldn’t wait to be back in bed, but she bore with the pain for a little while, just to please chaewon. she took her to a cosy cafe, not too far from where she was that day when she had almost been in an accident.

‘welcome to sm cafe, can i-’ the server froze, pausing mid-sentence as yumi looked up from her phone to peer curiously, only for her eyes to widen in recognition.

‘sungchan? you work here’

he was pleasantly surprised to see her, given that he would find at random times during the day that his mind would flash back to thoughts of her, whether she was still as emotionally wrecked, or if she was able to eat or sleep well in her state.

he had caught himself a few times, finger hovering over chaewon’s unsaved number, debating whether he should call and find out, but he decided against it, convinced they would find him weird.

that was why even though he was supposed to be working, his eyes would often drift over to where they were sitting. he recognised the affliction swimming in her irises, and it let him know that she clearly hadn’t been doing well.

even know, her spoon stirred idly around her cup, forcing a smile on her face as she listened to what her friend was talking about.

they stayed for a little over two hours, before chaewon got a phone call about a late shift change that required her to be at work. she knew if she dropped yumi back home she would go back to bed rotting, so she came up with a plan.

‘you should treat sungchan to a drink, for saving you that day. it would do you some good to stay out a bit longer,’ and before yumi could protest she gave her a kiss on the head and dashed out. sungchan stood awkwardly at the foot of the table, not wanting to make her uncomfortable but eager to be able to spend some time with her.

‘i have a one hour break. i could sit with you if you didn’t mind,’ he offered, and although she would give anything to be snuggled up in bed, she didn’t want to appear rude to the stranger who kindly cared for her.

‘i don’t mind, you can sit down.’

it was uncomfortably silent for a couple of minutes, sungchan fiddling with the ring on his index finger. trying not to stare too hard, whilst yumi played with the bracelet on her wrist.

‘i should um- definitely saying thank you. you know for looking after me that day.’

‘it was my pleasure. i’m glad nothing bad happened to you,’ he answered, witness to how yumi’s facial expressions softened for a second and she bit her lip. like she was trying urgently not to cry in front of him again.

‘yumi, is everything alright?’ his tone was gentle, and the question transported her back to her first ever meeting with eunseok. unable to hold back any longer, a few tears slipped as she shook her head, taking sharp inhales.

‘i know i’m just a stranger, and i have no right to ask this of you. but please talk to me, i want to help in anyway that i can.’

so yumi explained everything from the beginning, from the party, to the class, and even the continuing of the relationship when she knew he had a girlfriend. she was nervous at first, expecting some kind of judgement, but his face remained the same and he listened intently, not once interrupting.

‘and he hasn’t called back since then?’ he asked, when she was done with telling her story.

‘no, and that’s what hurts the most. pathetic right?

‘you’re not. all i see is a girl in need of some love, who may have found it in the wrong place with the wrong person. you don’t deserve any of this,’ he comforted her, offering another tissue when he saw her eyes become wet with tears again.

‘i just don’t know what i’ve done wrong. why does no one love me?

‘that’s not true. i know for a fact chaewon loves you. it might be platonic but it’s a start.’

‘you’re deserving of love yumi, real love. the kind that is not afraid to take you by the hand and profess its feelings. the kind that wants to spend every waking minute with you, that yearns for you.’

‘it’s out there yumi, you just have to look in the right places,’ it had been so long since she had truly felt a glimmer of hope. that maybe her mother was wrong, that she wasn’t hard to love.

sungchan hardly knew her but he spoke with such conviction, it made her certain that what he was saying was true. with this new found mindset, she vowed to work on herself, on her weaknesses, and the part of her that still yearned for eunseok.

she quickly became friends with sungchan, who was always sweet to her. he took her out on impromptu park walks and star gazing and even lent his shoulder to cry on when things weren’t so great.

slowly but surely she was starting to accept a reality where eunseok was not the centre. she stayed away from alcohol and drugs, made sure she ate her food on time and felt herself coming back to life.

and when eunseok finally appeared in front of her for the first time in two months, her resolve was much firmer than it used to be.

‘you coming to watch my game?’ he slid into the seat next to her the first time she was finally able to attend their shared class, not even offering a greeting or an explanation for why his presence was scarce.

but that was no longer yumi’s problem, and she recounted the steps she had taught herself in her head, courtesy of sungchan. don’t look him in the eye, keep answers short, flee when the opportunity presents.

‘cant.’

‘why not,’ he frowned at her answer. she never missed any of his games. even when she had rained curses down on him, told him she hated him, or how she wanted him to get out of her life. it was hard for her to stay away.

‘do i have to tell you everything?’ she still wasn't looking at him, preparing herself to get up and leave any time soon and it drove him crazy. just as he was about to confront her another voice interrupted them.

‘hey yumi, i think i'm ready to go now.’

eunseok whipped his head around, desperate to know who the voice belonged to.

sungchan stood right behind him, a couple inches taller than him and his toned biceps on display every time he fixed his bag onto his shoulder.

"hey sungchan, i was just finishing this report," she smiled sweetly at him, closing her laptop before standing up and putting her things away.

so this was the reason why she couldn't come?

eunseok scoffed at her pathetic attempt to make him jealous. looking him up and down he let out a little laugh and the pair turned to him.

‘you're so cute yumi. i see what you’re trying to do.’

seeing sungchan's confused face made her want to get away quickly, scared of what eunseok could say. so she took his hand and led him out of the room, not sparing a glance to him, leaving a rather perplexed eunseok behind.

the past two months had been bliss. minjeong had given up her player ways, committing to him and it was all he could ask for. they went on frequent dates, slept with each other every other day, and it felt like their relationship had been revived.

the first couple of weeks he paid no mind when yumi abruptly stopped the calls and the texts. she was probably trying to pretend to punish him, to make him crawl back.

after all, everyone knew a piece of her heart would always belong to him.

he continued on with life, focusing more on his girlfriend, hinging on the fact that one day, very soon, she would reach out to him again. and when a month had passed he just assumed it was taking her a little longer to come around.

he expended all of his energy on minjeong, but was finding it harder to answer the question that constantly came to mind. why did his mind keep drifting towards yumi?

there was a small space in his heart carved for her, and even though he knew it was wrong he didn’t want to let either girl go. he finds himself being reminded of yumi everywhere he goes, to songs he listened to and even certain scents he caught a whiff of.

so how was it possible that she didn’t seem to care anymore? that she was able to so easily walk away from him without so much as a look back.

his stomach turned at the thought of her finally moving on, being happy with another guy would kill him. he would stop at nothing to get yumi back into his arms.

eunseok knew it was wrong, but he didn’t care, showing up to her house the next night with fake tears in his eyes, pretending that minjeong had left him, that he was broken and all alone. he knew she wouldn’t be able to resist him when he looked so sad, and sure enough she moved aside to let him in.

‘i can’t believe she did it again, she’s so good at hurting me,’ he buried his head in his hands, attempting to conceal his false emotions, he knew her weaknesses, and he played it to his advantage, letting her lift his head up with her own hands, and reassure him that everything would be fine.

‘you were the first person i thought of when this happened, i knew i had to come to you.’

the guilt tripping was professional, and he revelled in the sight of the walls she had put a lot of effort in putting up crumbling down before his very eyes, and he didn’t even have to do much.

‘i don’t trust myself to stay alone, could you let me stay here. please?’ he could see the internal struggle written all over her face, and he would be more than happy to tip her over the edge.

‘eunseok. you can’t,’ it took a great amount of effort for yumi to even say these words. normally she wouldn’t even think twice, opening her arms wide and letting him use her to relieve all the pain. but she had worked so hard with sungchan, who had told her he planned on making her his girlfriend.

what would he say if he saw her now? overlooking her own boundaries and morals, at the mercy of the very man who didn’t care what she was up to two months ago.

‘i just can’t,’ she replies, and eunseok has to fight to hold back his smirk. why was she fighting it when she knew she wanted to.

‘is it because of that guy? did he tell you to stop caring about me?’

‘you’re not good for me eunseok. sometimes you make it hard for me to breathe. it’s like everyday i’m slowly dying inside, foolishly hoping that you’ll come around and love me,’ he moved forward, inching closer and closer till only a small space remained between the two. she tried to move backwards but he was too fast, his hand seeking refuge in the curve of her hip, giving it a squeeze.

‘remember who was there for you, the person who showed you what love meant. i’m the one that picked up the pieces of your broken heart,’ he was so close now, eyes darting down to her lips and she subconsciously licked them.

‘that guy doesn’t know what’s good for you, he’s just trying to take you away from me,’ his fingers danced up her hip, trailing past her collarbone and finding rest on the side of yumi’s face.

‘don’t leave me like everyone else,’ he delivered the final blow, knowing he now had her right where he wanted her.

a small part of his brain nagged at him, constantly repeating how this was wrong, how it wasn’t fair to manipulate someone so vulnerable. but a larger part of him struggled to stop, the feeling he got toying with her emotions, withdrawing and seeing the light drain out of her eyes, just to ignite the flame again, it excited him.

song eunseok was the bane of yumi’s existence. her ultimate weakness, the only one who could bring her from soaring highs to dangerous lows. and she let him tamper with the trajectory of her life, time and time again.

she was beneath him, metaphorically and physically, as she let him have his way with her, whispering empty promises into her ears, pulling her close to his chest as she swore they would mould into one.

it was always passionate with him, nails scraping shoulder blades, heels pushing into his lower back as she clings on for dear life. it was like an art, one that brought yumi closer to heaven each and every time, mouth agape and eyes screwed shut as she chanted over and over again, ‘fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.’

and of course eunseok would do just as she wished, her legs practically touching the sky as he propped himself up on his elbows, caging her in as he relished in the way she squirmed under him.

the tears only spurred him further, some sort of god complex forming within him. he was the reason why such a pretty thing was reduced to a blubbering mess, mascara smudged as her lip quivered. whether it would be in despair or pure ecstasy, he didn’t care. as long as yumi cried for him, he felt like it was a great display of her devotion.

he spent hours making love to her, his stamina seemingly endless, as he spewed such sweet lies from his pretty lips. ‘you belong to me’, ‘only i can make you happy, ‘you will never love anyone like you love me.’

at the end of the night, the moonlight seeping through her curtains, he pulled her worn out body close to him and gave her a kiss.

‘our souls are too entwined for us to depart from each other.’

by the next morning he could tell that shame washed over her, that she knew it wasn’t a good idea for her to have been laid up with the same person who had her curled up in a ball, sheets bunched underneath her hands as she wept.

he played the role of the doting boyfriend well, making her breakfast, running her a bath, all as if he had made up his mind, that he would commit to her and her only.

how foolish of her to believe it.

not even two days later, she stumbled across a post, minjeong’s post celebrating her and eunseok’s 2 year anniversary together. they looked so happy together, as if nothing could break them apart.

to add insult to injury, yumi immediately remembered the outfit in the picture, the same one he was wearing when he had come to see her that night. cursing under her breath she felt her chest tighten, a lump beginning to form in her throat.

how would she face sungchan now? knowing that she had practically used him, there for her when she was struggling and easily discarded when she thought she saw a future with eunseok.

the guilt ate her up inside, and she stopped replying to his calls, or his messages, hoping he would leave her alone and move onto something better. someone that wasn’t as broken as she was.

but sungchan being the guy he was, couldn’t ignore the gut feeling telling him that something had gone wrong. yumi’s well-being was at the forefront of his mind, discarding any personal feelings he had. he just needed to make sure she was alright.

he knew her schedule pretty much like the back of his hand, and he waited outside her classroom, hoping to catch a glimpse of her.

instead he sees yumi practically drag herself out of the door, a look of defeat on her face. the reason for this trails after her, a cocky smile on his face as he calls out her name.

she shakes her head, picking up the pace, but she’s no match for him, and he easily catches up, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her smaller frame after him.

‘what is he playing at?’ sungchan was sure of it now, that eunseok had something to do with yumi’s sudden change in behaviour, and decided to follow after the pair.

he tugged her into an empty classroom, the door slightly ajar, and sungchan slipped inside.

‘what’s going on here?’ he spoke up, and yumi froze, pleading with her eyes for eunseok to be quiet, to not tell him anything about how she had broken her resolve.

but she should have known better, that eunseok only did what he wanted to do. and that was why he whipped around to face him, all too happy as he addressed him.

‘it’s good you’re here, it would save you all the heartbreak.’

‘eunseok please,’ she was sure she would drop to her knees soon, the tension in the room suffocating her.

‘i’m doing us all a favour babe,’ he winked and it was in this moment that yumi felt like she was finally able to see his true face.

calculating, manipulative, selfish, self-indulgent. this wasn’t the boy she fell in love with. at least that’s what she thought.

‘you have a crush on yumi, don’t you?’ he redirects his attention to sungchan, who still knows no better about the situation at hand.

‘what does it matter to you?’ sungchan’s defensive, feeling like he didn’t owe him any sort of answer.

‘hey man no need to be all hostile, i’m trying to help you here,’ eunseok holds his hands up, as if he was admitting defeat.

yumi is an anxious mess behind him, praying that she could just escape, to be anywhere other than here.

‘it would be a shame for you to be fooled into thinking she felt the same about you.’

her eyes shut, head reeling as she swiped a hand over her face. it was all over.

‘why are you trying to speak for her. you don’t know how hard yumi had worked to get over you,’ his attempts to defend you were futile, all in vain because she had unravelled two months of work in one night.

‘hmm, i don’t think she did a very good job at that. i’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to be under the person you’re meant to be getting over,’ eunseok tapped his chin, practically mocking him and sungchan balled his hands into fists.

‘eunseok that’s enough.’

‘tell him the truth doll. about the amount of times you called me crying, begging me to get back with you,’ he showed no mercy, impatient, as he longed to see everything fall apart in front of him. nobody could have yumi but him, and he would make sure of it.

"stop."

‘or how about two nights ago when you let me in. surely you knew it was a bad idea but you still-‘

"eunseok shut up," tears streamed down her face as as she bunched his shirt up in her hands.

"then look me in the eye and tell me you're over me," his tone softened, his palm reaching out to rest on her cheek, wiping her eyes.

sungchan watched expectantly, hoping that she would quickly sort the situation out, that she would reassure him, push eunseok away, tell him how crazy he was.

but instead she closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

‘fuck you,’ was all she said.

‘but you already have love. many times,’ the glint in his eye was pure malevolence, brutal, merciless, just like his actions.

sungchan felt like he had been punched in the gut, reeling from what was going on in front of him. she wasn't over him.

‘get out of here and leave me the fuck alone,’ she let go of eunseok, hands now shaking as she dared not look at sungchan.

‘as you wish darling,’ he said, but it felt like the fun was just getting started.

‘you sure you don’t want one last look,’ he taunted her, taking his time because he knew she wouldn't be able to resist not looking one last time.

and just as he predicted, she was facing him again and the grin on his face was hard to fight.

stepping even closer, he stopped when he was just inches away from her, his tall frame towering over her.

leaning down, he licked his lips, moving as if he was going to kiss her but instead found them by her earlobe.

‘don't fight your feelings my love,’his breath tickled her ear, and although his words sounded sweet she knew him too well.

taking a step back he admired the way her body slightly shook, whether with rage or nervousness he didn't know. and he didn't care.

‘i'm sure i'll be hearing from you soon yumi.’

‘don't be too heartbroken,’ he called out to sungchan, not caring about the catastrophe he was leaving behind as he sauntered away with his hands in his pockets.

‘you still like him,’ it took an unbelievable amount of strength for sungchan to speak up, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth.

yumi was shaking, hunched over in the corner as she refused to meet his eyes.

he sighed, hating that she looked so broken, that one man had such power over her being. she looked just like the first day he met her, defeated, broken down.

crouching next to her, lifting her head, his words got stuck in his throat as he looked at her. a flood of tears gushed down her cheeks, chewing on her lower lip as she hugged her knees.

he swiped at her eyes but the tears still spilled down, red and swollen as she rest her chin on her knee.

"i tried- i- i didn't even mean," she was a blubbering mess, barely able to get her words, her breathing staggered.

"yumi breathe for me please, it's okay."

nothing about this situation was okay to sungchan. the girl he was convinced he could spend the rest of eternity with was clearly not over someone who didn't even have the decency to call her his girlfriend.

his broken heart weighed heavily on him, but all he wanted was to make sure that the girl he loved would cry no longer.

pulling her into his arms, he tried to soothe her by patting her on the back, another hand playing with her hair.

"i'm so sorry- i'm so sorry. i didn't mean to hurt you, i'm so sorry," she repeated over and over again, knowing that it was not enough to fix the damages done.

but it was all she could muster up for now.

realisation settled in. she would never truly be free of eunseok. that her heart was so full of him, she could barely call it her own.

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thistle-and-thorn · 2 months

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Dying to know what you thought of the goldfinch. I never read it and am very 👀

thank god you sent this because i was about to make an incredibly long, rambling post about this but now you have prompted this, it feels less unhinged to put it into the form of a solicited answer. @.@

I....have mixed feelings about GF. Like, really mixed feelings. When I was in college, I took a seminar on opera history and we studied the opera, Wozzeck, and my professor described watching it as "an act of endurance." I felt sort of similarly about The Goldfinch. Like I'm glad I read it, and I can't wait to never read it again lmao.

It's a really well-written book--God, I want to write like her--and it is a compelling story with a lot of really great moments, but I found it to be overall less thematically incisive than TSH and, though TSH had some pacing issues, especially towards the end, The Goldfinch felt much, much more uneven. There's a lot of crossover between the two novels--unreliable narrators that are closeted queer men, so much drinking, so much drugs, etc--to the point where I thought a twist would be that they were set in the same universe and that Theo's father was somehow Richard Papen. But TSH felt bolder in a way, more satirically cutting, funnier, wilder, and younger. The Goldfinch is a sadder book, unrelentingly anxious and grief-stricken. And I do think this is sort of the point and I don't criticize it for that. It did make the melodrama of the novel's conclusion feel a little...i don't know...less justified and a little more gimmicky? And anxiety is a monotonous state so I think the GF lacked the emotional texture that made TSH much less....exhausting?

The Goldfinch is DT's ode to Dickens and there a lot of nods to Dickens in both direct references and style (the book is basically like what if uriah heep from david copperfield was psychosexually obsessed with pip from great expectations). There are certainly class dynamics here, episodic adventures, varied characters, and a lot of ruminations on providence but I did keep wondering what about Dickens drew her to tell this particular story which on a surface-level seems to ruminate on the impact of beauty, as opposed to the impact of wealth. In a lot of ways, TSH, with its commentary on class and wealth, even more over-the-top characters, feels like a better fit for Victorian literary structures.

In my wild and quite honestly unfounded speculation, I think the conclusion that I have come to is that it is a really, really personal book. Dickens was an intensely personal writer who used his own experiences, including those with his difficult father and poor upbringing and young infatuations as material, even in sort of unrealistic scenarios. I made a half-joking post about Brett Easton Ellis serving as DT's muse but I think....like...that may be true? I spent a lot of time, while reading this book, googling and reading about BEE and his erratic personality, contradictory and sometimes controversial and nihilistic media statements, and drug addiction. (Something that stood out to me was that BEE said that Patrick Bateman was based on his father, which he later retracted, to say that he felt like he was more like Patrick Bateman and wrote that book from a place of intense depression and isolation and consumption. This third-eying of oneself through the lens of the father is so Theo to me.) It's an examination of a self-destructive person but feels so clearly written from the point of view of someone who loves them--there is a real tenderness in how Theo is rendered that makes me think that it is not directly autobiographical about DT's own life but is the record of someone else who is loved and who is grieved. I have no evidence of this, truly, but this is what I keep thinking.

Some random other thoughts: one thing that @attonitos-gloria and I have talked a lot about is how DT always writes from the point of view of men who desire other men but whose desire is so hidden and buried that it becomes warped and we think that this is fascinating. @.@ The women in both TSH cannot be held as whole people in the eye of the narrator, their wholeness exists but beyond the borders of the male narrators' understanding of them. I also love how DT loves places and loves things. She creates fantasias of real places that feel like they influence the narrative and I think that's really cool.

TL;DR: I thought TSH was better, but GF was more personal and thus more messy. But it won a Pulitzer so literally what do i know.

#anna is this what you wanted #i feel like i'm just screaming outside your door #the goldfinch #donna tartt #the secret history #thistle simulations

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bookishtheaterlover7 · 2 months

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Booky, you’re such a sweet person. I know it’s probably hard for you to be a fan and see stuff that annoys you, but remember that it’s probably happening to other fans with celebs they like.

Those poor Henry Cavill fans - though I don’t even think his gf is that bad. Lol.

And as for the Jeff Conway person…

lol. First of all he’s very very cringe. I’ve rarely seen an interviewer editor be this thirsty to repost his own articles and also be so unbelievably tacky as a grown man. But hey.

That being said, he was the one who wrote the Forbes article for Chris and his jinx thing at the end of December, right?

He was also one of the writers who wrote a people article of them going public. Somebody should check back those archives because I’m almost positive Jeff started following fish the night before or around the time they went public.

He also interviewed Chris the day Chris said his long term partner was his dog 🤣 - I wonder if he told Chris that 😭 and gave him a very cringey shirt “my dog is my soulmate.” A grown ass man.. giving another grown ass man a shirt like that. And then repeatedly bragging about it on twitter. How is he not embarrassed by himself?? (Jeff)

My personal thought is he goes where he has an assignment. I sometimes have to write really cringe social posts for work but thankfully they’re not attached to my name. He was probably instructed to hype her up because tbh, I still believe they’re trying to make her happen.

Think about how the kardashians, TikTok influencers, and other random ass “Celebs” pop up and start being placed everywhere and nobody is asking for them and the comments are filled with hate. But do these outlets ever stop? Really think about it. Step back from the fishbowl and observe the other industry ppl who have basically been shoved into our faces without our desire. I think the media knows Fish is DOA but she’s here and unfortunately here to stay for awhile. I think people can and will continue to ignore her so that’ll be pretty funny to watch.

I’m also sure fish wasn’t rude to Jeff because I doubt she’s like openly a rude person. I’m not trying to defend her because I know people on here will feel how they feel about this girl, but she’s not going to be a brat to everyone just because people want to hate her. I do think it’s interesting that post had Jeff hyping her up and then just mentioning Chris was also there. As if he’s her plus one and not the other way around.

I feel like she’s getting way too much attention for being virtually nothing and a nobody. The general public simply does not care about her.

I think someone just posted up TMZ posting celebs at the parties and they posted Chris alone and cropped her out. If true, LOLLLLLL TMZ 😂

Just Jared has written at least 600 articles at this point and they’re still getting her name wrong.

By the way, in my line of work, we have to proofread our articles before submitting them to post. So does every single outlet just accidentally miss fish’s last name?????

I’m starting to feel like it’s intentional.

🥹 Thank you, Marketing An🫶n!

It must suck for everyone, but it's good to know that what I'm feeling is definitely not just me. Makes me feel less crazy. 🙂

Good Lord, Jeff seems to be overselling and overdoing it, a little. But, as you said, it's a thing that needs to be done.

And you've got a point about celebs we DIDN'T ask for, just popping up. And it causes quite a stir. Which is effective for their reasons.

No, they do not. Hell, she's simply known as Chris Evans' wife. No more, no less. Imagine that as your only title. It's sad.

I hope it's intentional, because that's too many typos, and almost (I'm assuming they did this at least once) zero edits... 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Thanks for talking with me, Marketing An🫶n. It's really a highlight everytime you're here. So thank you ❤️ and it seriously means a whole lot. 🥰🥹

Until the next one...

#An🫶n asks #Hello Marketing An🫶n #Marketing An🫶n replies #booky reacts #booky answers #chris evans #chris evans fandom #Always a good time to read your Asks.#Also girl! so much shade 🤣😎#and I'm learning #so thank you again 🥹

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k0koii-yu · 1 year

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Just gonna share a CC canon divergence AU I wrote couple years back where Lars is the mole instead of Angela. It has since been deleted because reasons (it’s all chill now dw). Also a few changes because my writing… wasn’t the best back then. VERY Angela centric with not very subtle gay because that’s what 13 year old me thought was a great idea.

So basically;

-Everything happens as it is except that Lars gets exposed as the mole. This, in turn, leads to Angela taking a break as Lars did in canon.

-Initially, I wrote that Lars’s mom was the one who took her in since she still had no parents and had the thought of him joining SOMBRA for shit and giggles. Since that probably wouldn’t make sense, I’ve now decided that she would probably return to Busan for a bit and kinda relax there for the time being, and that the triplets were being taken care of by a distant relative instead of Lars’s mother.

-There, she’d probably start questioning everything at first; since Lars would still kinda be the “artistic” type maybe she’d question the likelihood of hidden meanings in love songs/poems he’s made or even stuff he’s said to her in the past. At this point everyone checks up on her, especially Carmen, Marina, and sometimes Michelle and Ripley.

-Michelle also apologized for “ruining her perfect family”. Angela eventually accepted it; though later on realized something.

-Meanwhile in Antarctica, Grace is hired as the new forensics expert; but just like in canon, did autopsies for now.

-Sanjay got bored and ended up doodling and stuff. He ended up drawing a picture of a typical nuclear family (essentially a mom dad and kid family).

-Upon seeing the drawing, Carmen smiled. At the family part, but not exactly the part where she has to have a husband in order for it to be the perfect family. (Personal hc time: I, too, am a firm believer of lesbian Carmen propaganda 🙏)

-In this AU, she had internalized feelings for a certain someone; which she essentially repressed out of respect for them. Always tried to keep herself busy with other important stuff, but after the whole ordeal happened, she now has mixed feelings about them. Still decided not to tell anyone, though, due to her expecting potential rejection.

-Some time later, they get to Argentina. Angela also comes back from her hiatus (which in the original fic, ended up in her and Carmen confessing and then kissing.)

-I didn’t write anything after that, though, but just imagine Carmen getting out of her comfort zone in order to take Angela on mini dates and them overall just showing a lot of concern for each other when dangerous missions arise. Esp for Carmen, since she used to be a no-nonsense, implied lone wolf character in the beginning. She would also literally punch anyone who messes with her gf fr.

Basically that’s kinda it,,, yeah I’m aware it’s not the best, but it was honestly one of my favorite ideas and fanfics amongst all I have written back then that I felt like sharing. Will I rewrite this? Probably not; but the idea lives on here now.

#criminal case #criminal case game #if you can’t already tell I like Angela #even if majority of the fandom does not #I honestly wanted to post this but was hesitant

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beatriceeverytuesday-old · 1 year

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Ans... Anya/Buffy ?? 👀💦

I wrote you a very long thing on why I love Buffy/Anya and honestly I might end up adding to it someday cause I have more thoughts. I can write essays about them apparently :)

What made you ship it?

Okay so here's the thing. There is basically nothing in canon to make anyone ship these characters. But that WILL NOT stop me!!! The primary reason I started thinking about these two is simply that they're two of my favorite characters, it's that simple. I'd love to see my favorites get together! Also they both go through so much in canon in life and in terms of relationships, I want my faves to be happy!! And the more I started thinking about it, I came up with a zillion reasons they should be together. The other reasons I ship them are combined with my favorite things about the ship so I'm gonna move on to that question now but honestly it's both.

What are your favorite things about the ship?

Okay so when I said there's nothing in canon to make anyone ship them I was wrong. What I meant was there's nothing acknowledged by the show, but it IS there! There's actually a lot of potential there for them to make a great pairing! So here are some of my thoughts on why. I think Anya had way more useful knowledge than the show/writers/other Scoobies ever gave her credit for. She was over 1120 years old and she'd been a demon for most of that time!! The show seemed to give her demonic knowledge when it was plot convenient and forget she has this skill when they don't want to use it. It's ridiculous. She'd save Buffy so much research time! Like in Something Blue when she immediately knows how to kill the demons chasing Xander, Buffy could bring her girlfriend on patrols and skip the research step.

Buffy puts a sword through Angel (season 2 love interest)! Buffy stabs Faith in the gut (season 3) love interest! Buffy puts a sword through Anya's chest...See where I'm going with this??? The homoeroticism of stabbing! We as a fandom don't talk near enough about this stabbing I'm just saying!!!

Buffy has a thing for reformed demons! She thinks they're hot! She wants to bang them! And even though she's an ex-demon, I think Anya fits this category!!! She belongs enough in the non-human world that she isn't normal and she wouldn't expect Buffy to be normal. She runs the magic shop! She has demon knowledge! She's very hot! Enough said :)

The sex part of their relationship!!! Anya loves sex and sees NOTHING shameful in it or in talking about it or wanting lots of it. The show and characters in the show try to place a lot of shame on Buffy for being as horny as she is. She deserves a gf who matches her with dtf energy. No shame, just lots of gay sex. Happily ever after for my best girlies :)

I think they'd understand each other in ways the other characters don't get them!! For example, Buffy is always struggling with wanting to be normal, lots of friends and family members put pressure on her at various points to be normal, Angel leaves and tells Buffy to find something normal, Buffy tries to be normal with Riley but she can't make him happy because she isn't normal enough for him. And people like Willow and Xander and Giles are always getting on Anya for saying things that are "inappropriate" or "not things humans should say" but the reality is she's more than an ex-demon, she's also autistic. Buffy is used to bringing up topics at the dinner table such as killing things in convents or weird squiggly demons, so not only do I think she wouldn't mind that Anya wants to talk about her seemingly unconventional interests, but I like to think Buffy would hold space for that.

Piggybacking off that last one: they're both neurodivergent! Anya is autistic, Buffy has ADHD.

They both know what it's like to give everything you have to a man and he leaves. That feeling of not being enough to make him stay. They could absolutely bond over that.

I don't want the scene where Anya agrees with Xander that Buffy did something wrong that made Riley leave, I think it's out of character and the writers on their weird having Xander shame Buffy for Riley leaving arc. I want the scene where Anya checks on Buffy and, even though she doesn't have her powers, tells Buffy exactly what she'd do to Riley on Buffy's behalf if she could. I want more of the people in Buffy's life on the side of supporting her through this break up!

Anya is extremely blunt and says what's on her mind. Buffy has a history of having romantic interest in people who play mind games or who aren't open with their feelings/aren't big on starting conversations about how they feel. (Trying to read Angel's thoughts in Earshot, she says something about having Faith for giving her confusing mixed signals.) If Anya were happy, or upset, or any emotion, Buffy would know immediately! No guessing! And Buffy is a huge represser, but why repress your true feelings if your partner is totally honest? I think it would give her space to feel like she could share.

Anya who was invested in the financial wellbeing of the relationship would make sure Buffy got paid as the slayer!!! I understand that part of the point of season 6 is "life is hard" but Angel and his team basically start making money from the first episodes of his spin off and it drives me insane that these shows run side by side and everyone acts like Anya is crazy and greedy for so much as suggesting it. Buffy needs money so she doesn't lose her home and her family and it's going to be difficult if not impossible for her to hold a normal person job.

Buffy really struggles with housekeeping tasks (raising Dawn, keeping the living room picked up, cooking proper meals, fixing leaks) and I think this is partially her character, partially mental illness, and partially that she's just so busy that these things get neglected. But we see Anya really folds herself into the housewife mold for Xander. I don't think she should ever be treated as "just" a housewife, but being useful to a partner in that way seems to be something she enjoys. Anya is big on trying to discover her own identity, on finding labels for where she fits in the world (her employee status, her relationship status, being an American) and so I think recognizing that these are tangible things to do for Buffy and having visual, physical, concrete evidence of the fact that she's needed and appreciated and of value is so important to Anya. Also the Summers could eat something other than fried chicken and Doublemeat Palace and pizza.

This might be me being me but I personally see Buffy as trans non-binary and Anya is over 1000 years old and non-binary people have always existed, history has just tried to cover them up. Anya would surely have seen them throughout history, would understand exactly what Buffy is experiencing, and would be an awesome resource in making sure Buffy knows this is normal. Acceptance and unconditional support for trans Buffy!!!!!

Magic Box Anya + Slayer Buffy!!! Their "jobs" already overlap, so Buffy can see her girlfriend every time she goes to the Magic Box!!!

They both love sarcasm and puns!!! Wordplay girlies!!!!!

The amount of times they use their environment to their advantage!!! Buffy is so good at it and Anya, admittedly less so haha but they're both quick on their feet! Buffy stops a witch by kicking down a mirror! She stakes a vampire with a pumpkin patch sign! Anya, even when she has an any weapon available to her, always grabs the weirdest things (the baseball bat in The Gift, the magnifying glass in Family). Unconventional weapon solidarity!!!!!

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

These two are a rare pairing so shipping them in and of itself is an unpopular opinion I guess? But actually there is absolutely nothing I can think of!!! They are perfect in every way they are two of my favorite girlies I want Anya to survive season 7 and the two of them to live happily ever after :)

#buffy summers #anya jenkins #buffy x anya #btvs #ask game #thank you for the ask!!#i hope you enjoyed this essay

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the1975attheirverybest · 8 months

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An overview is more than ok!

Hmmmm...I'm trying to think what my process even looks like, hahah. idk if this will even make any sense but here we go

I'm mostly interested in "intimacy" I guess? i think thats usually easier to see in blurbs and one shots than, like, longer things like "Education" or that multi chapter fic. But I genuinely find people really interesting and the idea of a close romantic relationship where both people's flaws, passions, insecurities, all come out is extremely fascinating to me, lmao. A lot of the time it's two people trying to love each other but in completely different ways, and misunderstandings inevitably happen.

Not to get all existential on y'all but like isn't it insane that we are all just...trapped in our own bodies and consciousness. and that love is the only way that we can escape that and exist with/for/alongside someone else? Idk i think thats just so cool. Matty says it more eloquently than me in "Inside Your Mind." it's basically that stuff....

BECAUSE im interested in intimacy I'll usually try to start out with a specific, concrete example. Like, if someone asks for an angst concept where an argument happens, or if im trying to write the next installment of Education, I try not to think about it in terms of genre like "ok time to write angst." instead, I try to think "if an argument were to happen between Matty and someone he loves, what would it be about? what kinds of things would he be unwilling to budge on."

so, like, that last piece I wrote where they argue about the new show etc. That's how that one happened. I couldn't imagine him being legitimately upset about like dinner or laundry or an outing, not enough to start a fight because of it. Idk...he just doesn't strike me as the kind of person who cares THAT MUCH about simple stuff. BUT he does care A WHOLEEE LOT about every tiny detail of his show and chooses everything for a specific reason and with a specific goal in mind. So, if someone were to have an issue with his art, of course it would become an argument, cuz his work is a reflection of himself. And since he's been under fire this year about the limits of irony and some fans online (even here on tumblr, ive legit gotten asks about this) have been like "ugh i hope he doesn't do the whole acting thing again" I imagine thats a legit concern that he has to deal with. So, the more specific the idea is, the more real it feels/ in line with who I think Matty might be, the better it is going to end up.

This is where I struggle the most: im not that great at detail, description, emotion etc. but i find dialogue natural to write. So, usually, my starting point is dialogue. Like, once I had the idea for what I wanted the fight to be about, I imagined Matty in that situation and how he would be a bit sarcastic and say that thing about how hes imagining someone asking him about the new show where he says "oh yeah, its going great! i mean, my missus hates it, but at least Rolling Stone thought it was alright" or whatever. And I start out with that and build the scene around that kind of interaction.

Same with longer plots and stories. Like, I had the idea for Education after we were all talking about inexperienced!Y/N and Matty being patient and teaching her. So thats half the plot. the other half is, again, what I imagine Matty would be like. He's had a few slutty phases recently. And if it were a friend/ non-gf situation im sure he'd be dumb enough (hes a man after all, bless him) to like continue sleeping around. and ive been doing a thing, though im not sure its clear enough for y'all to have noticed lmao, where like, whatever "lesson" he teaches her in bed has a common theme with the plot of the chapter.

Like, for example, the next one is gonna be called "Mistakes are how we learn" or some shit. no spoilers but, thats gonna be the theme of what happens both IN and OUT of the bedroom, so. But again, the plot sorts itself out around the moments that I imagine in their dynamic. Matty's super gentle, physically affectionate, etc. So, while it's not quite the same as romantic intimacy, he is the type to look out for his friends. and we've all seen how comfortable he is with kissing/hugging etc. So, I try to work with that and then expand it to work with what the plot of the chapter is.

I will say that I used to think that getting his "englishness" down to a T would be important cuz i didn't wanna make him sound american. though I have to say, sometimes that shit ends up being so forced and unnatural cuz *i* dont talk like that hahahaha. So, I've stopped trying. It's a hard balance to walk cuz you don't want him to sound like hes from fuckin texas or whatever. but you also dont wanna sound like hes a 56 year old newscaster at the BBC's 6pm news. you know? wish i had better advice on that one.

does any of this make any sense? idk. might be total bullshit. not sure that im the most organized person haha sorryyyy

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off22theraces · 1 year

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actually oc post rq (tw for death, murder, stabbing, shooting, suicide, uh a lot)

ok i fucked up a lil bit not all of my ocs are in the same collective universe but the ones that arent are in my bfs so . whatever

anyways the ones i have are uh A Lot theres a whole story i’ll try to explain the best i can

it starts with this lady named lilith vesper who later marries a doctor and becomes lilith napier. she ends up murdering her husband during a fit of rage later on with a pair of scissors and then herself after realizing what she did

a couple years later, the story has become somewhat of a town legend in the place it happened, dawsbury. a group of paranormal investigators (brie, her gf charlotte, their friend kimya, and their camerman/kimya’s best friend andrew) visit the town to cover the story and then fuck around yk?

anyways they get there and brie, the leader, is promptly stabbed in the arm by lilith’s ghost. they’re then chased into an abandoned middle school and seek solace in the nurses office until they’re locked in there by someone (who shows up l8r) and have to crawl thru a vent to a classroom

there they find the stereotypical survival horror items and arm themselves (with a stapler too) and make their way to the school gym, where they find another person (named diana) chasing a rat with a knife. they attempt to wrestle info out of diana until she stabs kimya in the side and runs away. andrew runs after her into the lockerroom and is then locked in there with her

andrew discovers a bunch of survivors living in the locker room beside diana, including the girl who locked them in the nurses office, sunny. he gets kidnapped by them basically and hand cuffed to a locker after accidentally spilling water on one of them

anyways while thats happening brie, charlotte and kimya are greeted by a librarian named maru (whos a Creature too but they dont know that) and follow her to the library when she offers them food. anyways they run away after charlotte says she seems kinda weird (and she is) and run back to find andrew

they get to the locker room after passing through the like. yk how schools always have fields? those. anyways they get there and save andrew, but not before shooting one of the survivors duh!

anyways thats where i got on THAT part of the story, i wrote it in like 2021 and im contemplating rewriting it but idk

also that takes place in ohio specifically and meanwhile, in illinois, a few years earlier, lilith’s very alive sister arabella is going on a trip with her childhood best friend (and crush) mary and a couple of their other friends (nicholas, matthew, jolene) to visit jolene’s sister and her husband

i havent thought this story out all the way but eventually, arabella axe murders someone in self defense (+ mary defense). obviously any rational person would feel awful and guilty about that but She Does Not (it only gets worse from here btw)

she murders all of her and mary’s friends until they’re chased into a basement by a few of the other townsfolk that have noticed what’s going on. after a short argument, arabella forces mary to murder her to “see what it’s like” and mary runs out of the basement shortly after

anyways long story short. she dies. the end

i also have happier ocs frédéric and aubree who are in a romcom style story they’re pretty cute but this post is already pretty long so i might just make a seperate post for them (+ the ocs i have w bf) if anyones curious

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box-dwelling · 2 years

Text

Day 3: Interview with a vampire

Tw: discussions Sa and Pedophilia.

I DIDN'T GIVE UP AFTER 2 DAYS I SWEAR. Yeah this is super late sorry illness happened. I'm 3 days behind on reviews and 1 day behind on films so we're going to catch up one night soon and I'm going to review the two other films tonight. I'll be using the same review system I wrote out in my Lake Mungo review so check that if its confusing.

So this was @ungulatejunction's choice and also a film I'd been wanting to check out for a while. I loved it but had slightly mixed feelings. The film is gorgeous, the acting, set design, cinematography, costume work, direction, effects work, everything is basically a masterpiece. But, I did unfortunately have a few issues with the screenplay. From what my GF has told me, it's pretty damn faithful to the book and a lot of the issues I have with it are fixed there. My main problem is that I kinda felt like it lacked theme and purpose. There's a ton of deeply interesting ideas there. Claudia is an insanely facinating character who I just adored. Her actress did an excellent job especially given her young age. The literal concept was interesting but I also found that it worked as a deeply interesting metaphor for a child rasied in a sexually abusive household. Basically all the feeding scenes were framed in a deeply rape like way imo. So her being turned at a young age, regarded as something she could never be ready for and would lock her development in one area in a childlike state, it sounded a lot like stories of sexual trauma at a young age stunting development. The lead up to her killing Lestat feels like her coming to terms with the fact her abuse was wrong and that he was also abusing Louis. And that was really deeply interesting to me. But then the rape stuff kinda doesn't go anywhere from there? I maybe wrong. I may have missed stuff but, it then just felt like I was watching women be brutalised for no reason.

My other main issues was with Louis who I found pretty bland and uninteresting. From what I've been told this is a case of what I've deemed "author screenwriter syndrome" where an author is too dedicated to book accuracy and doesn't make the necessary changes for adaptation. From what I've been told in the book he is the pov character and a deeply introspective one. This works excellently for a book because we can hear his thoughts. In a film it's a lot harder so he just feels mopey and bland. By the end of the film all the characters with interesting themes and characterisation are dead and it leave the ending a touch empty to me. This was also compounded by very much having a chapter like structure instead of a films traditional 3 act one.

I don't want this to sound like I'm shitting on the gay vampire film. I'm not, I did genuinely love it. There is a shocking amount of talent and beauty here. It was just less than the sum of its parts to the point that the flaws were more what stuck with me because I was just thinking "god it was so close to perfect, if only they've done these small things" Ironically given the author I do deeply want to expand on the themes in a fanfic setting.

Score

Artistic merit: 6/10- It had the talent on board to make this a 10 but for me to give a high score in this category I have to be able to cohesively decipher what the film is trying to say. This film has a lot of interesting themes and really doesn't go anywhere with any of them

Scares- 7/10- I was expecting this to be way lower but this baby has so properly disturbing imagery in it

Atmosphere: 9/10- all I can say is beautiful and Iconic

#interview with a vampire #31 movies for halloween #day 3

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hospitalterrorizer · 7 months

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diary25

9/29-30/2023

late night, tonight.

i was out super late after this very bad poetry reading here for some of these creative writing majors. i don't have a lot to say about it, it was bad and the writers make some people close to me miserable because they fail at being kind basically. kind in a real way, the kindness that lets you have some give for meanness when you actually articulate/show effort put towards anyone else, people who are utterly shallow, you know. i believe it must be the case that we all know of people like that essentially.

i didn't get to work on music today really, that's kind of good, tomorrow i will try to write some stuff, i did work on music actually i guess, i wrote a riff, and i'll see where that can take me, or less writing the riff, i wrote some chords to mess with. a fun shape that has a good sound, disso and freaky when inverted.

anyways tonight was good, or like, half good. it's given me a lot to think about, with people who do certain things (like 'ethical' nonmonogamy and if that can exist when the presupposition is monogamy in the first place). i met new people who i like, who are really nice and fun to be around, who got drunk and told me dirt about some old people i knew. or really, one person. that doofus from the noise band, actually. i don't mind saying that. i won't discuss the dirt. it just kind of makes me feel something sad, about people like that, and i guess at large people who in some sense resemble the poets, shallow engagement and deeply troubled ideas of what being an artist means leading to difficult lives, miseries that begin loud and only grow quieter, never actually dissipating.

my gf really wanted to take me to this, the reading and the afterparty, she and a friend really wanted to hear my thoughts on these people because supposedly i'm very funny about that kind of thing, she forgot i guess the bore of the poetry, and the fact that as time goes on, the ruin of these lives is exposed more and more, rich (really i don't actually know, it's the impression i get) developing bad habits and using people, and the drama, while never uninteresting to someone like me (maybe it makes me evil to want to hear), is always sad.

sometimes i am like a child and i just wish everyone could be okay and fine, i'd sometimes light myself on fire to make that possible, but someone i used to be obsessed with told me that me wanting to be jesus or buddha (he said both) so bad wouldn't do anything for anyone except feed how badly i like to see myself hurt. he's right. i guess that's what knowing things does too.

maybe my whole life i'm just going to be hurting myself in new ways.

so i made 3 new friends, or 4, let me count, yeah, 4, i think. and i actually saw 2 friends i knew before tonight, and i was with my one girl friend. so 7 people, i'm gonna see some tomorrow at a gay bar to see a drag show, super exciting stuff. hopefully there won't be any pangs of sadness over the fact we are living in hell sort of.

i guess everybody has really unpleasant fascinations sometimes.

one conversation tonight, one of the new friends told me about her research topic, modern apocalyptic media and its convergence with evangelical christianity, just talking about all that stuff and its evolving state, the dwindling numbers of evangelicals and their panic, her past, and stuff. i liked that. i liked all of tonight, even the sadder parts.

i'm listening to the song theory on sex as an art form, by camera obscura, on repeat. a really great track, it's just so perfect, i love the synth-y punky part especially, but i guess it's also perfect next to a perfect melodic release, this movement that recalls something tumbling downhill, or leaves off petals, while the first part is this total mania.

anyways i am exhausted now, and tomorrow is another day of socializing and stuff.

had an awful thought, or not awful, i dunno. someone posted the song absent friend by bark psychosis, a song that takes me to two specific moments in my life. one was when i'd listen to this song, thinking about the man i loved who would disappear without a word because he was awful, and i'd lay in bed without anyone to talk to, and the second place, is years later, when a friend who loved this record to bits, killed himself, and the song was so pointed, it felt like it said something. the night i found out i walked around and listened to this song.

both times, the lyric "that's the biggest joke of all" took on pretty different meanings. right now it means something else i guess.

the awful thought was about my dead friend rather than the friend who is dead to me. my dead friend, the thought was: the most meaningful thing he'd ever do for himself was kill his own self, that's where all the force of his life would end up, and missing him, and not wanting to forget him and wanting other people to know him, all i am left being able to do is revive the corpse he made of himself and tell others, this is what he did, this is his monument and it's an awful one but it is his. i don't know what else to say about it, i'm staving off the wish to tell a stranger in a server about him because they posted this song, all i can say is i guess, beautiful song, one of the best ever, and they won't know how much i mean that. maybe i mean it less because it means such particular things to me, and rather than thinking it's the best song ever, it's just clusters of memory and feeling forever tied to it. whatever, though, that's fine.

anyways, byebye!!!

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hospitalterrorizer · 8 months

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diary7

i got bored and used mouthwash is how my day is going.

not, like, in a stupid way. i just literally washed my mouth with it. i also just did the last workouts of the day, 36 hip thrusts and 30 squats (on top of my earlier in the morning 30 squats + leg lifts and other stuff i do on my back (not euphemistic)) now i am relaxing by listening to usurp synapse, who i was listening to earlier and i felt like i uncovered some kind of fact in how they structure their songs and went on to make another obscenely short song, my second one of the day.

i did get to record today, i've nailed down a song i didn't think i'd ever even get to honestly, re-wrote the lyrics to it too. i also, like i mentioned earlier, made two obscenely short songs. one is an 8 second long song with a 12 second long intro which i think i'm going to use as an intro for the album i'm working on, the other song is 23 seconds. idk where i'll fit it in but it's so short that it can basically go anywhere, as long as i can make it fit in the album emotionally/pacing wise.

tomorrow idk what i'm gonna do, i think what i'll do is leave the song i basically nailed down today, come back to it in a couple days or so, so that way i can come back with a clear head/ without obsession, and instead tomorrow i'll do a new song, maybe the new short one w/o vocals, and another shorter one, with more lyrical content though, and if my voice is up to it / i get them both handled well, i might go try another screamy song. i need to figure out some songs that don't require that though, i might try one of the longer (longer is so relative here, the longest song that's for sure on the album is going to be like 3 minutes. so longer meaning 2 minutes-ish) songs out that's less screamy and more freaked out androgyne stuff.

otherwise, today i prepared dinner for 4 nights tonight, i made miso butter chicken tonight, tomorrow or the next day, or maybe even the day after, idk what i'm gonna do with this other filleted chicken breast i have, maybe pan fry it after putting it in flour, idk what to do for sauce, it's already seasoned. the other 2 nights, i'm marinading stir fry. when i cut the chicken up, i always call it mr. chicken. tonight he was still kind of not totally thawed so the butchering was so cold it hurt my hands but this brand of chicken is honestly much easier to handle than i thought it'd be. idk why the other one feels like, denser, or something. what are they doing with these chickens. freaky stuff.

my mom texted me today to let me know that she is officially on the autism spectrum and i told her about how since highschool i've wondered if i'm autistic. i used to care a lot more about diagnoses then, i think i wanted to be told that i had everything wrong with me and that i was totally sick because if i were, i guess it made me more desirable, in a way, at least i felt like that. like if i were hopeless someone would really have to kill me. now i don't want any diagnosis and i hate psychiatry mostly but when my mom or really most other people talk about it helping them i'm just happy that they feel better in their life anyway they can, cuz everything is so miserable anyways. sometimes it does seem to confer a kind of condescension, some people begin speaking on behalf of their experts, outsourcing a sector of thought to an expert who sort of speaks through them in suggestions, like, you should get that checked out, maybe you need x, and whatever else. but it's easy enough to ignore people telling you (you generally, not a specific you, not pointed back at myself) why therapy is incredible and you should try it.

i don't even always hate therapists. i know some people would say i'm weak for that but they're just people caught up in a fundamentally fucked way of seeing people and trying to make that positive or helpful. they're losing so severely it's hard to not be sad for them.

a fairly light day i guess, or productive w/ music.

i found my gf's bone necklace, it has coyote bones on a chain. it wasn't really lost but i felt like i could lose it, it was under some books, i figured i'd need to find it sooner rather than later because i imagine she'd want to wear it.

she also didn't finish dinner tonight which she usually doesn't, so it's leftovers for me tomorrow cuz she doesn't eat leftovers. but that makes me worry about what she'll eat, i dunno. i can do ramen i guess but she'd feel ill over that probably.

bluhhhh

i really want to re-mix the stupid stupid short song, i need it to be a little more legible.

oh all my soreness is gone and i'm still all sorry for myself because i feel like i am still falling short of completing everything.

tomorrow i need to find a bunch of photos of maggots, grubs, caterpillars, and maybe a chrysalis or two to agglomerate into something for cover art.

i think i need to figure out the kick drums but the song sounds better now.

uhhhhhhhhhh whatever. i think this enough for today.

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