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poptarts-and-rainbows · 6 years

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School update!

(bitching under the cut... if you’re on mobile, I’m sorry- scroll fast)

So I have this really bad habit, where if something doesn’t go perfect- if I don’t do it perfect, or at least well- then I quit.

It happened the first time I went to college too, so it isn’t new... but, let’s say I over slept and missed a quiz, or forgot to submit a paper, bombed a test, etc. Even if I had otherwise been doing well in that class (you know, the professor liked me, I actively participated, and all that good shit), I would freak out the next time I was supposed to go. I would freeze.

I would convince myself that now all that professor, or my classmates- all they were going to see from then on was a failure. They’re just going to see that thing I fucked up, and nothing I could ever do will make up for it. So I would bail, because I couldn’t face them. 9/10, wouldn’t go back to class for at least a week, just making the problem worse.

School this time around... while it has been overall less enjoyable (it’s a commuter school, limited social interactions, my classes are boring, plus my current/ongoing roommate troubles), it's actually been going pretty ok, at least academically.

I go to all of my classes now (ok- I give myself one skip day a quarter- and that’s actually a drastic improvement to my last go around, lol), I learned how to prioritize, have a somewhat regular schedule, and am not drunk all the time, I get solid 3.5s and up (compared to nearly failing out last time). So, things were going well!

Until tonight.

Two of my classes are online (which I actually hate), and I always have assignments due at midnight on Wednesdays. Normally? No problem.

Last week I had zero issues making the deadline (last quarter I submitted almost everything at 11:55pm, which didn't both me, but last week I was done before 8! Double winning), but I didn’t get access to one of my classes this quarter until this weekend, and then I had to wait to hear back from the professor if I could stay in the course, because I had already missed a week and the add deadline for online classes had passed (eventhough our in person classes just started).

What I SHOULD have done was start my assignments right away, instead of waiting to hear back from him... but I’m kind of broke and didn’t want to buy the books if I wasn’t going to get to stay in the class. So, I waited- he got back to me on Tuesday, basically saying that it was totally cool if I stayed in the class and he would let me turn in the assignment from last week without penalty.

Great, right? No... see, he didn’t give me a deadline. Not like 48-72 hours, or anything, just said that I could still turn it in. So I wanted to turn in both weeks assignments by the deadline tonight, to make a good first impression, and show him I was grateful to get to stay in the course... and then I fell straight flat on my fucking face.

I had a lot of anxiety writing the first paper. I stayed up until 3am last night trying to work on, and I finished all of the reading/research, which was cool, but I only made it like half way through the introduction before my brain stopped working and I figured getting 2 hours of sleep was better than starting at a blank word document, especially because I had to nanny for 10 hours.

Writing used to be my job, doing intelligence reports, and writing white papers- pretty much exactly what my homework was, and I had been really good at it too! Then I was put on admin work for almost a year, fell out of habit, and when I first moved back to Washington, one of my old bosses actually asked me to help her with research for one of her graduate school papers- I freaked out then too.

It had always been so easy for me, and I just... couldn’t do it... I made excuses pushing off when I was going to send her stuff, and then finally sent a very weepy email apologizing for sucking at life- to which SHE then apologized to me for, pressuring me, or whatever, and I didn’t think that at all! I just felt really dumb. I felt so dumb I never responded to her last email, and we were supposed to meet up- and I should have responded back in June, but I was in a bad place, so I never did, and now it feels like it would be awkward because it's been so long, so just... that’s not the point, but I’m still guilty about that too, and it would be really nice to see her.

Anyways, my classes last quarter weren’t really heavy on the writing skills. We had to do a couple of short written responses, but no actual papers. This was the first time I had to try to do that again, and I just got so stressed.

I freaked, I froze... I stopped working on the assignment from last week, because I figured it would be better to turn the one due this week in early/on time, and ended up being able to push through and get it done. It was hard, and very unenjoyable, and absolutely not best work, but I still did it! It just wasn’t soon enough.

Trying to do both at once... I missed the deadline. I ended up turning the assignment that was due this week in about 40 minutes too late (it would have been a little bit sooner, but then I double checked the grading rubric and it said something about fitting the word limit, and my response was kind of long, so I spent literally 15 minutes trying to find what that limit was- never did), and I had to fix some stupid reference formatting issues (fuck you, APA).

In the meantime, the other online class I’m in- I knew I still had a quiz and an activity to do tonight too. The quiz was a piece of cake, done in 5 minutes, 100%. The activity, however... last week, it was a fill in the chart sort of thing that took me less time than the quiz did. This week it was a 3 hour certificate. So I didn’t get that done, and I didn’t “respond to two other student’s posts” on the discussion board either... for either class.

So right now I’m trying to convince myself it’s ok. I’m trying to tell myself that turning the stuff in late is better than not turning it in at all, and that I have plenty of time to make all of the points up- even though all I want to do now is never even log on to the school portal again.

I still have to finish that assignment from last week, and then do the certificate thing, and the readings for my class tomorrow... I’m sure the sooner I get all of it in, the less bad it’ll probably look... rationally I know it’s not that big of a deal. I'm trying to fight the thoughts and be the mentally healthy way, or whatever- like, I know this doesn’t mean I’m a failure, but... I just can’t help asking myself what the point is to even keep trying. I already fucked up.

If my professors don't end up thinking how I'm a failure every time they see my name on their screen it won't even matter, because I will. I don’t know why I thought I could do this anyway.

#terryn talks #venting #i suck i'm sorry

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