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tinysupervicki · 4 years

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It’s hard to stay away, huh? I did turn off my notifications on twitter but I still peeked. Why are y’all so amazing to me? What did I do to deserve this love? This community?

Since y’all have been there for me ever since my mom passed three years ago, I’d do anything for y’all. I felt I did let y’all down because I’m a content creator and haven’t done anything in so long. It sucks because I’m yearning to do so but lack the time due to now being an adult, working a grueling adult job and living with family.

I believe I will be able to get a place of my own later in the year, I’m really hoping for that. As for my full time job, I’m actively looking for another one. The one I’m at, I feel I work so hard but I’m not appreciated enough. It’s a healthcare industry and I work hard to help people with their needs while management focuses on metrics and numbers. I wanna get out of there.

I haven’t had time to myself and just be selfish for once? So I’m glad I was able to take time off to have a pretty long weekend to enjoy Sizecon 2020 and spend time with friends.

Let’s get started on the recap, shall we? Bare with me, I talk a lot (and not well might I add).

Day 1: Thursday 2/13/20

I woke up at 4 am to catch my flight that leaves at 6:45 am. I thankfully had all my bags packed, I just needed to shower and be ready. My dad took me to the airport and wished me off. At this point, I had plenty of time, even seeing the long TSA line at the Houston airport. I had internally groaned a lot but managed through. After having some minutes to spare, I grabbed a quick bite to eat at one of the dining places, a lovely breakfast bowl that I can have (those of you who don’t know me, I have celiac disease and I have to eat gluten free). Jumped on my flight and comfortably slept in my seat on the plane. The plan was to have a connecting flight to Charlotte, NC and then to Newark, NJ.

Two hours later, I woke up to not at my destination but at Colombia, SC. Apparently, while I was asleep, they had to divert us to the next airport because the weather was really bad in NC. We had two options: stay on the plane and wait it out until we’re back in the air to NC, or get off the plane and figure out another alternative. I stayed, I had plenty of time until my connecting flight was scheduled (which I actually got alerts that it ending up delaying a lot) so I stayed in my seat and watched greys anatomy. About almost an hour passed and we’re finally back up in the air, with more space to breathe since there were people that did leave the plane. Landed safely in NC and I ventured off to find snacks and wait at my gate. It kept delaying but I finally was able to get on my flight to NJ, making my total time at the airport and in the air...all day, I can’t do math lol. I safely landed in NJ at 5:30 pm, I had been awake since 4 am. It was a day.

Yo, I’m gonna get him and his wife a gift, I swear to god, but DJ (aka Giantgripper) saved me by picking me up from the airport and letting me stay the night at his place. When he’s the host, he does one heck of a job as a host. Since I hadn’t eaten a proper meal since 5 in the morning or so, DJ took me to a Mediterranean little mom and pop restaurant that I fell in love with. Had a stuffed pepper and practically cleaned everything off my plate. After we ate, I accompanied DJ while he did some errands for extra things he needed for the con (which did include articles of clothing for the giant cafe lol). I was happy to help as much as I could. After that, we made it back to his place. Once his wife Adri (chibiana) came home from work, we watched a documentary while trying (and failing with me because I’m a turd) to make different mixed drinks to taste. I ended up going with hot chocolate, I’m a simpleton when it comes to alcohol. A little bit afterwards, I had to pass out, it was a long ass day.

Day 2: Friday 2/14/20

Valentine’s was just another day for me. Woke up, got dressed, and DJ surprised me with a fresh homemade breakfast. It was magnificent, I scrapped the plate then too. Plans for the day was to get allllllll the stuff we need and travel to the hotel, which apparently was an hour and a half away from DJ’s house I believe. Adri had to go do another thing for work and was gonna meet up later. DJ and I traveled to the hotel first. I passed out again in the car, I was so exhausted from before I guess it had hit me again.

We made it to the hotel and unpacked the car with my stuff, his and Adri’s bags, and things for the con. I got to say quick hellos to people I knew that were already there (gave a big ass hug to Miss Kaneda, she’s so precious and a big hug to IamFilledwithStatic). I was going to be sharing a room with shortmarcy, Morgana (Moe), and Guiri. So since I had arrived first, I will check in first; Morgana and Guiri were still flying from Spain and shortmarcy didn’t come until the next morning. Since it was under shortmarcy’s name and the deposit was paid under her, She had to call to have the hotel let me check in for her. In turn, I had to put my card on file. I thought I was being a responsible adult and I thought it was gonna charge like half of the charge or something but...they charged the full price of the hotel. Which was $503...which was basically everything in my bank account. I didn’t know that was gonna happen, I panicked and just sat on the couch outside of the con area while Robyn (goddess-rei) comforted me. I had to come to terms that shit happens and I had no money for the weekend. But I graciously had the best of friends this weekend, I’ll get to that in a sec.

After my bumming out, I changed to put on my blouse for the valentines banquet (one of my guaranteed dinners that night lol). I met up with Morgana and Guiri and also sillylilbug (she’s so adorably sweet). We had our own table along with my friend Joe (CaptainRandGTS, who is a phenomenal photographer btw). We ate some good food and they took account of my gluten free (however I think the chimichurri steak may have upset my stomach). I said goodnight and went to my room to basically turn the bathroom up XD I had changed into my pajamas to head downstairs to get water and pain medicine when I turned the corner and saw a group of people walking down the hall. Guys, I’m still getting used to this, but the group was like, “Is that Vicki?!” “That is her!” And I was like WHAT. It was my lovely friends sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and Strongshadow2018. I was so surprised and honored, I was gushing. I got to hang out with them in their hotel room for a bit, played cards against humanity (I WON!) and ate ridiculously delicious gluten free cookies misterfinch made.

Day 3: Saturday 2/15/20

Con day. This day was a bit of a blur honestly (my mind is not the same people) but I know I took this day to “try” and relax. I was still bummed about my money problem but I had enough to buy the breakfast buffet meal ticket. My idea was to chow down a lot of food (since it was a buffet) so I won’t ask for food but that did not happen because I have wonderful friends?? Towards noon, I went to ihop with my crew (we called each other the sizecon crew lol) with sviolet, mansquishers, mister finch, Joseph moestar, and strongshadow2018. We had a nice time and I was so grateful for the lunch! Once we headed back to the hotel, we split up to do more con shenanigans. I met so many people, it was amazing. People I already knew and new people as well. It was awesome to match names to faces, it was so cool. I’m telling you though, my mind is not the same so I can’t list out the whole list of everyone I’ve seen. Then I got to see my good friend Steve (Miles Striker). I’m so fucking proud of this dude. He showed me a film he wrote, recorded, and edited all by himself, it was mindblowing. We had to go back downstairs after that because I forgot I had a social to lead and he had panels to go to. I stopped by the giant cafe, that was fucking wild. I ran the Fluffy Feels Social and I did my best because I’ve never ran something like that. But I’m glad we all liked the same thing and we just kept talking! It was getting late to when the Playroom was gonna start, so I headed back upstairs. Chilled a bit more with my crew and then headed back downstairs. I don’t know what got over me, but I gathered enough courage and joined the nude swimming party. I cannot believe I did that, that was a big step for me. Kinda sucked getting out though because I didn’t have extra clothes and it was fucking cold.

Day 4: Sunday 2/16/20

Technically last day of the con but it was the busiest. I spent all morning practicing my skit for the Tiny Cafe. I was nervous and pacing around in my hotel room, making sure I get it right. Around 12:30, I headed down to meet up with the rest of the cafe to get ready when we start at 1 pm. I could not describe how nervous I was. I wanted to make sure I didn’t mess up and I know I was lip syncing (graciously provided by Anoka’s vocals) I was still nervous as fuck. This was a performance and I’m now more confident talking to others about my kink/aesthetics but performing? Oh lawd. We had a big crowd apparently, I was surprised. We had to get more chairs and apparently turn people away? THAT MADE MY NERVES SKYROCKET. The cafe starts with a wonderful performance by Adri (Chibiana) then followed by cute transitions from our servers mini-moo and shortmarcy. Then it’s time for our skit: Veronica (Jitensha), me, and Aim were shrunk and sung songs about our giants. I was first (omg) and mine was in the style of “Maria” from west side story (Veronica called it Shrunken side story). I was shaking like a leaf and tried my best to get through the whole song while doing silly quirks of mine. Once that was done, I rushed back from my spot XD it was Veronica’s turn to sing about a giant dick lol and Aim serenading a giant lady. After our skit, it was the grand finale of Morgana performing a dance in a giant hamster ball. It was incredible. Despite my anxiety, I’m glad I did this and we did so amazing (we made tips!!!!).

Right after that was done, I had to rush to lead a social of Giant men and Tiny women. It was a small turnout but we still got people and we talked a lot. When that was done, I rushed to be on my first panel of the day: Owning what you love. After that was the Macrophile panel and then after that was the Diversity panel. I was on all of them and they were back to back, I was a busy lady lol. After that panel, I was free! Since I made tips from the cafe and I was broke from the hotel, I got to buy a few things in the vendor hall. Was able to say hi to some people I knew like scridam, the reducer, miss kaneda, iamfilledwithstatic, robclassact, and aborigen. It was also mister finch’s birthday so since I was free for the night, I went with the crew to go celebrate at a restaurant. That was such a nice time, I swear everything I did this weekend I wanted to experience again. When we came back to the hotel after dinner (after a quick stop to the liquor store lol), I was able to make it in time for the closing ceremony. Hearing everyone’s words touched my heart and reminded me why I love this community. So I was able to give a speech to say that; this is my second home when I lost my only home when my mom passed. God, that room was filled with so much love. I went back upstairs and hung out more with the crew and watched Promare (pretty sick movie). I was gonna head to bed but I hung out more with Steve and we watched a movie before passing out.

Day 5: Monday 2/17/20

It was time to say all of my goodbyes to everyone that had to leave. I gave so many hugs and love, I just miss them all. Most of the crew had to head out, except for sviolet, she had her flight in the afternoon. So we went out to breakfast at a Mexican restaurant, reminiscing this whole weekend. We came back to the hotel to chill in my hotel room. Morgana and Guiri were leaving to the airport back to Spain and shortmarcy wanted to venture to NYC before she went home the next day. So sviolet and I chilled in my room before she had to head out.

Then for the rest of the evening, I had the room to myself. I watched law and order svu whole packing and double checked I had everything. I waited up for shortmarcy to come back (I was so worried) but she made it back after 10 pm safe and sound. At that point, I had to go to bed because my flight in the morning was at 5:45 am.

Day 6: Tuesday 2/18/20

I woke up at 3 am to get to the airport on time and my Lyft driver I got...I had a feeling he was having a bit of fun by himself before he picked me up. Because it stunk in the car of cum. Whatever, I held in my breath and made it to the airport safely. My flights were on time and I slept on each one. I did not want to go back home.

Back to reality and I hate the after con blues! Especially with how much this con and community means to me.

Hoping there’s a next year and I’m ready to help as usual.

Y’all have a goodnight ❤️

#shut up vicki really #giant tiny #sizecon #sizecon 2020

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keij-station · 6 years

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Keij is at SizeCon 2018

I’ll be at @sizecon this year with my own booth for the first time. If you’re attending Sizecon this year be sure to stop by and say hello and check out all of the cool stuff i’ll have there.

Come see a bunch of my work on display. I’ll have prints and stickers for sale.

In addition to all of that I’ll be taking commissions and doing caricatures at my booth as well. Come and check it all out or just come by and say hello, i’ll be there!

#sizecon

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mama-mystery · 7 months

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Had a great time at SizeCon this weekend, especially speaking on the Inflation Panel with all of these lovely folks! Moose Tracks, Producer, Dan Standing, Coco Wren, Hypester were all lovely panel-mates!

Banner art by MooseTracks!

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hashtagordinarygirls · 1 month

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[#]OrdinaryGirls: #sizeconmicro24mailbag

Krysta, have you ever ripped a bra?

Alicia: Yes, yes I have. Yeah, my lats are that awesome.

Krysta: Is your name ‘Krysta?’

Whitley: Come on N-Cup, you know we’re about as successful keeping to our own questions as we were that time we tried writing our names on our food.

Alicia: FYI: if you haven’t tried it, it is hard, but not impossible to write your name on juice.

Krysta: The carton! The juice CARTON!

Whitley: To her credit, she did pull it off though.

Krysta: And Whitley still drank it.

Whitley: Look at you squealin’.

Alicia: Oh, and the answer is yes. Yes, Krysta has absolutely destroyed bras with her enormous boobs.

Whitley: During a game of Mario Party, no less.

Krysta: You’re welcome.

Have any of you ever crushed a melon ?

Whitley: Unless ‘crush’ is slang for “eaten several in one sitting,” no, I have not.

Alicia: Of course I have. Between my big ‘ol tree trunk thighs. How else do you kick off a livestream?

Krysta: I have held one in my cleavage, but not crushed one, which, I believe, is the implication.

Whitley: What on Earth do people think her breasts are made of?

Alicia: Does the answer literally have to be, like, on Earth?

Krysta: I can assure you, my breasts are not extraterrestrial in origin.

Whitley: That’s just what someone with alien tiddies would say.

Whitley: Do you think that you'll ever stop growing?

Krysta: Why does only Whitley get that question? Does no one care about growing breasts anymore?

Whitley: Apparently not.

Alicia: Or growing stronger than any Midwest cosplay cutie—

Krysta: Or any person.

Alicia: —has any right to be? I didn't even get ONE question about my deadlift 😤

Whitley: Apples and oranges. You're actively trying to get stronger.

Alicia: But not necessarily bigger, even though I’m totally cool with that. But strength doesn't always equal size. I gave you a whole presentation about this at brunch last week.

Whitley: We’ve lived together long enough for you to know I can’t listen and eat three breakfast burritos at the same time.

Krysta: She even sent us the slides afterward.

Alicia: Did you not review my presentation? 🥺

Whitley: It's on my to-do list.

Krysta: I did. I even gave you notes.

Alicia: Thank you, Krysta. Besides, if size equaled strength, Krysta's boobs would be strong AF, and she can't even crush a melon with them things.

Whitley: But she can hold one.

Krysta: And I could not last year, but apparently the only growth that matters is Whitley’s.

Alicia: So, you think you’ll ever stop growing?

Whitley: Huh? Oh, uh. nah I'm gonna grow fifty feet tall, or something.

Alicia: Oh! Speaking of growing…

Alicia, do large muscles restrict flexibility?

Alicia: Eh, not really. I mean, don’t get me wrong, my muscles are definitely LARGE, but like my presentation said, I'm focusing strength over size, unlike some others I know.

Whitley: Rude.

Krysta: Right?

Alicia: I still do yoga. We actually have a weekly class.

Whitley: Private class, because apparently, the three of us are ‘a distraction.’

Krysta: Alicia for making up her own modifications.

Alicia: Upside-down flamingo!

Whitley: Krysta for her boobs constantly dropping into her face.

Krysta: Which should have only been a distraction for me.

Alicia: And Whitley for making the place smell like a dispensary.

Whitley: I needed to pre-game to find my center, and to not be distracted by y’all acting crazy.

Krysta: I should not be blamed for weak sports bras.

Alicia: What was the question again?

Which of you three is the best at poker?

Whitley: I am.

Krysta: I am.

Alicia: I have no idea how to play poker.

Krysta: Whitley, your poker face is not as good as you think it is.

Whitley: Says the girl who has lost several times to it.

Krysta: Okay, one: I was VERY intoxicated.

Whitley: Still counts.

Krysta: And two: I did not say you never won, I said I am a better poker player than you.

Whitley: You lost to Alicia, and she has no idea how to play poker.

Alicia: I REALLY don’t.

Krysta: We live in a universe governed by chaos. It is bound to prevail occasionally.

Whitley: You might even say, inevitably.

Alicia: You both still owe me money, btw.

Krysta: Whitley owes you more.

What's your favorite flavor of cake? 🖤🤍💜

Krysta: Banh da lon 🖤🤍💜

Whitley: Red velvet. 🩷💙💜

Alicia: Angel food cake with frosting and sprinkles. 🩷💛💙

Whitley, what's your favorite thing about being taller than most other people?

Whitley: More space for storage. I basically get top shelves to myself.

Krysta: Not the view?

Whitley: I’d call having a sh*tty view more of a shorter-than-most-people problem..

Alicia: I assumed it would be going to a concert and being crotch high to everyone on stage.

Krysta: So, the view.

Whitley: That is a plus, but not as good as the top shelves.

Krysta, any thoughts on a giantess-themed photoshoot?

Krysta: Alicia, did you submit this?

Whitley: Weren’t we talking about this yesterday?

Alicia: Totally. I wrote it on her yogurt, remember?

Krysta: Stop writing names on the yogurt!

Alicia: It was actually your name.

Whitley: And, to be fair, your idea.

Krysta: *sigh* Yes, I intend to do another giantess-themed photoshoot.

Whitley: What she means is, her analytics have spoken.

Alicia: Perfect because I just bought a 1/225 scale cityscape on Etsy.

Whitley: For your giantess content?

Alicia: Oooh, it would be good for that, huh?

Whitley: Wait, so why did you buy it?

Alicia: I honestly don’t remember.

Krysta: And you wonder why you never have any money.

Whitley: I’m going in on half of it for making foot stuff. If you want to split it three ways we can all write it off on our taxes.

Krysta: Deal

Ladies! If you had to swap your extraordinary trait for one of your friends', whose would it be?

Krysta: If I had to? Muscles. No offense, Whitley.

Whitley: Offense taken.

Krysta: You are too conspicuous.

Whitley: Says the woman with breasts literally the size of gallon jugs.

Alicia: I’d take Whitley’s height. I make all my own clothes anyways. And then I could see EVERYTHING.

Whitley: I’d absolutely take your tits.

Krysta: My breasts would look good on you.

Alicia: I’d love to see your breasts on Whitley.

Krysta: I’d put my breasts on Whitley.

Alicia: Do it! Do it! Do it!

Krysta: Going once. Going twice…

Whitley: Hold on, what’s happening right now?

Krysta: —no deal.

Alicia: Sounds like you just missed your chance.

If you could be a tree what kind of tree would you be?

Krysta: I used to say stone pine, but recently I have been feeling more rowan.

Alicia: Truffula.

Whitley: Pineapple Kush.

Alica, have you seen the movie Love Lies Bleeding? It focuses on a lady bodybuilder and her girlfriend. Really dark but fun romantic thriller.

Alicia: It’s far from the worst cosplay idea I’ve been pitched. Very retro look, and I do love my 80s. I think the real issue is I’m way more buff than the girl in the movie which is totally cool because she looked great and props to that actress for going there. Okay, new life goal: get a movie studio to pay me to work out so I can be in a bodybuilding movie. But a funny one. More like Everything, Anywhere—

Krysta: Everywhere.

Alicia: —All at the Same Time.

Whitley: All at Once.

Alicia: —but with more muscles and less cheerleading.

Krysta: There is no cheerleading in Everything, Everywhere, All at Once.

Whitley: Are you thinking of Heroes?

Alicia: NEVER MIND scratch that I was thinking of Bring It On…which I haven’t seen either. I think I just saw the sequel.

Krysta: How in the hell did you mix up—

Whitley: She was probably thinking of Bring It On: All or Nothing.

Krysta: How many Bring It On’s were there? Whitley: Seven. I watched them all during quarantine. That series really went downhill.

Alicia: But yeah, I haven’t seen Love, Lies, Bleeding. It didn’t look very funny. I liked the part in the trailer where the woman grew out of her clothes, though. I give it a 7/10.

Krysta: I watched it. Not bad.

Whitley: Giantess scene gets a solid eight.

Why are you still living together?

Whitley: Because making money on foot stuff and tall stuff is only lucrative if you can keep your costs down. Also, I never have to cook or do my ridiculous taxes.

Alicia: Cheap rent, I always get to cook, and I manage money worse than Faye Valentine.

Whitley: Also, you’d be getting audited up the *ss if it weren’t for Krysta remembering to do your taxes.

Alicia: Getting audited sounds fun!

Krysta: I own the house. I never have to cook, and I get to prepare three sets of complicated taxes.

Whitley: Girl got her CPA license during quarantine “for fun.”

Alicia: BECAUSE SHE WAS BORED!

Krysta: I would prefer, “thank you.”

Whitley: Thank you.

Alicia: Thank you.

Krysta: You’re welcome.

#hashtagordinarygirls #size #influencers #glasses #musclegirl #queenalici #tallgirl #online model #kcupkrysta #whitleyvalentine #sizecon

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bonkalore · 6 years

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Alright, I’m gonna be real with you all.... I am broke af rn....

And I need help....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Here’s the short version:

This fund is specifically for Sizecon bc I’ve been going for the past 2 years it’s been active but it’s also a part of my income since it’s the only place I sell stuff at....and I need to start preparing for tickets and such now if I’m planning to go this July 28-29th in NY (tho we’ll likely be staying about a week).

With the calculated costs of con tickets, plane tickets, hotel room, food & transportation, as well as pet sitting while we’re gone, the total has come up to at least $1,300 needed for the trip.... (some of it was rounded and some I don’t even know for sure so it could end up being more tbh... I wish it wasn’t)

Our living situation changed in the past year and I've been struggling to make ends meet (esp after our massive vet bills ending in 2 birds passing anyway in Feb)and now have no money I can save for this con at the end of July...

*That's where you guys can help make this hope of mine come true!* (And if I don't make enough for the con, just know all your money will be helping me anyway just to survive!)

Any bit helps! ;o;

~*Here’s the funding pool link on my paypal!*~

-And if you want to support but also get something out of it, just a reminder I still have LOTS of prints and merch leftover from last year still as well!-

*Also, if you personally are going to the con yourself and donate $5+ I’ll give you a free print and button of your choice there! ;u; (pls give me your email if you do and relay it to me while there in person so I know who to give the stuff out to!)*

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Longer and more painful situation under the cut.....

But tbh, I had been thinking about setting up a donation pool in general with how bad things have been going. I already had patreons and felt hesitant to start one, but with my depression being so bad for so long and unmedicated, I’ve had a hard time keeping up with those and don’t feel I’ve really earned the money till I’ve finished what I owe... And I owe so much now that I can’t even try to take on commissions to make up for it.

I tried getting health insurance a while back to cover behavioral health bc that’s what I needed most to get me to work regularly again... but it turns out all the clinics for that out her suck ass apparently so I’m just wasting all my money and I feel like an idiot and now it’s just another thing to stress over... I feel dumb even admitting/explaining it but $400/mo for health insurance is something I can’t even afford and I need to fix that asap now bc I’m literally running out of money. Not to mention all the vet bills we had back in Feb when Birb’s health declined again and then even the budgie, who we both inevitably had to put down only weeks from each other... I never asked for help then tho I probably should have... We spent over $1k just in that month with trying to help them and then just for paying for euthanization and ashes... Also part of the reason I got so behind on work stuff. I’m still hardly coping (and actually tearing up just writing it out tbh).

Our living situation changed in the past year and I hardly said much online, but it’s just been Zuka and I mostly paying for the house bills since her family went to live in CA in an already furnished house for a year to do a job with someone. They had a good deal and took it, and while I’m glad to finally having the house to ourselves, it’s been hard doing everything and paying on bills more... And I feel horrible I can’t even help support Zuka more and myself bc of my health insurance bill that I couldn’t even use to help solve the real problem: my crippling depression that I’ve been dealing with horrifically already with the past 3 years (technically longer but it’s been so bad to the point where I wish I had disability for it bc I’m not working to make any money and I’ve been living off savings for that long and now I’m running totally dry). I currently have less than $1k in my bank account shared between my checking and savings... I have more in my paypal, but like I said, I don’t even count all of that yet until I finish my work owed in case of needed refunds.... After this next billing coming up in a few days for the end of the month I’m gonna have close to maybe $500 left.... My patreons have helped me survive scraping by just for this long at least but even that isn’t enough right now and things are dire. I’m really feeling fucked rn. Like I said... any bit helps. I could go into it more but honestly it’s just... I don’t wanna bother writing out more pathetic shit about myself and I’m sure nobody wants to bother reading it either and I don’t blame you... I get even more depressed just thinking about it. Everything has just plummeted and I’ve been wanting this year to be better and have been really trying but there’s only so much I can do without the proper care and medication I need.... I feel most of it is my fault and I’m just a useless piece of shit that’s continuing to be a burden but that’s what severe depression does.... It’s been a while since I’ve even wanted to consider suicide, but boy does not existing or being conscious at all sound great...

Please help me if you’re able... I’ve been in a rough spot for a while now... Thanks for bothering reading any of this if you did.

#sizecon 2018 #sizecon #signal boost #giant tiny #shut your face bonka #idk what else to really tag...#I'm feeling really hopeless in general about myself but it's one thing to maybe try and look forward to #depression//#suicide mention//#sorry...#i'm suffering and will suffer in silence until I'm nearly broke bc I'd rather just die tbh

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