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in-paradox-space · 6 years

Text

So I’ve been away for a week at my dads place

I didn’t take any codeine with me because I want to stop

mainly to reduce tolerance and preserve what I have for a trip to the US

im worried about getting it through customs as I’m prescribed it online instead of from my actual doctor, so it doesnt come with my name on it

I thought about smuggling the small pills into a box of rainbow nerds but if I do get caught with that there’d probably be pretty big consequences

i suppose I’ll just keep it with my other medicine and see what happens. If I can’t take it with me then so be it

well anyway

I’ve had a bad cold for almost a week, plus physical withdrawal

but codeine withdrawal isn’t too harsh. It’s just a cold and some sad nights really.

I started to feel better 2 days ago

I came back home today

now my head is clear I can see how filthy my flat really is

it’s awful

the food, everywhere

just lay out to rot and grow mould

theres a loaf of bread in my kitchen which is literally all blue

there’s just some spots of brown left

its been there one or two months

I’m getting tired of doing drugs

I honestly am

I’m wanting to just stop a little more each day

every drug

but yeah

I started feeling liver pains last night and moreso today

it could be many things but I think abusing so much codeine the past month plauys a role

I’ve been taking over 450mg at a time half the time

over 300mg is said to be harmful but i thought fuck it, its only codeine

i have a slightly weakend liver from some shit before

ive drank a few times on codeine

im on meds which are heavy on the liver

my body also has been through a lot

it might not be the codeine but idk

ill tell my doctor and I’ll just be honest with them, let them know ive been using this much so they can decide

worst case scenario, my meds are causing this

that means i have to stop my meds and find a new medicine to use AGAIN

I have a rare condition which requires certain medicines, long story

hng

well now im back I took some codeine again

like seven 30mg pills

im going back to my dads in a few days, again I’ll leave the codeine here

I felt great after the physical withdrawal/cold was over

codeine withdrawal is quite, how do you say, forgiving, for an opiate

but yeah

just all the drugs

mdma, codeine, vitamins that I’ve researched online which supposedly increase the production of good brain chemicals such as dopa, serotonin, drinking on weeknights, eating really unhealthily because im too lazy to cook and/or clean my kitchen in order to cook

ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs, ups, downs

constantly running away from the problem

away

not towards the solution

away

creating more problems

I started to feel motivated again just days after stopping.

I felt human

the sun came up in the morning and stayed throughout the day

I looked at it and felt so happy

a surge of happiness which didnt fade quickly

i looked into the sun and praised kek :)

and I believe in kek

I do

I am deluded in terms of the physical world

but I see the signs and I know that kek is real

and I’m so grateful

I am really thankful

thank you so much

but yeah

if I stop doing drugs

I start eating healthier

i dont rush and burn out my energy in one go but i just take it slow

do things in little bits

I think I can get somewhere in life

rome wasnt built in a day and im starting to accept that

im accepting that, although its possible, im not sacrificing all the happiness of my young years to feel like a success in the future

i can succeed without being a tycoon

I can choose to be happy in the present, have a stable future and not feel the pressure of trying to achieve superhuman feats

if youre reading this and youre not me, you might not really know where im coming from

these are things everyone can relate to but theres personal stuff involved and this is my journal for me to reflect on in futures

so i just give enough context for me

but yeah

didnt do codeine for a week

started to feel happy naturally

like real happiness which came from a proper place

not just endorphin replicating drugs

i had motivation again

it wasnt a shortlived, energy burst

just mild motivation

of course everything isnt perfect

a lot of things are not okay

i do get down

there has, is and will be hardships in my life and the lives of peoploe around me

but there are also happy moments

I felt a genuine balance again

my dads place has a long list of downsides

his girlfriend mainly

the posh, small village in the middle of nowhere

its so quiet. the sound of my phone vibrating on keypress seemed to be heard in other rooms

it was so quiet

and i couldnt get up before 9am because of his girlfriend

again, i know the context and I dont feel like tpying it all out

i was staying awake from 3am onwards until she went to work, then i could be up until she came back at 4:30

then its awkward around her

but kek has a presence there

there was sun

a lot of sun its nice

i dont feel unsafe in the streets there

the diet was healthy

i had happiness there

a real structure to my life

its clean

being in this flat

its so unclean

i realize thats a main reason i take drugs

long story but i cant take the trash out of my flat

my wheelie bin got stolen its a whole thing and the people on my street dont like me

there is ALWAYS people outside, in the alleys

i cant use someone elses bin because everyone here knows

so the trash stays here

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

and i guess im running away from that problem

instead of towards a solution

im going back to my dads in a few days

away from that

but towards improving my health

ALSO

im seeing yung lean tomorrrow which is coo

#personal #drugs #health

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askderynsharp · 7 years

Text

The Burial of Mr. Sharp

((Reposting this because y’all thirsty asses needa chill))

It wasn’t a particularly dreary day. Yes, cloudy of course, any day in London was cloudy, but without rain or overall humidity. The procession began at nine o’ clock for a service at twelve. Some had argued that the Saint Christopher Church would be appropriate, seeing as how Mr. Sharp had attended services there with The Lady Boffin and her family every Christmas, but in the end it ruled that he would have preferred an outdoor funeral in the open air, where attendants might feel a gentle breeze. Dr. Barlow had insisted upon a costlier casket, but eventually decided that a simple black was more suited. Dylan Sharp had detested fancy things, after all. The crowd was small, only a few associates of the Zoological Society of London coupled with some army men representing the Air Service, and of course the Barlow family were in attendance. It was rumored that Dylan’s own mother had refused to make the trip to London, and only his cousin Jaspart had arrived to pay his respects. Most did not blame her for this, how could she bury a son so soon after her brother?

As the coaches came to a stop, solemn men and women made their way up the hill to the place of burial, trying not to eye the casket of a man, a boy really, too young to die. There were seats placed on the grass surrounding the fresh grave, and as they filled, a minister made his way up to the small wooden pedestal that had been set up for the service.

Amid the other guests clad in black, a boy of about twenty stared blankly at the black box that held his friend. There were no tears on Aleksander Hohenburg’s face. In fact, he seemed to be concentrating on not showing any emotion at all. Women would trade glances with each other behind their veils, the poor boy had lost a friend. A good friend. They couldn’t know the pain he felt, after all he had been through, it must have been akin to a nightmare to lose not only his parents, but his closest friend all in the span of five years.

Some assumed the boy might be bitter. Besides Jaspart and Dr. Barlow’s family, he was the only one here who had known the deceased, truly known him for the person he was. All these officials and their wives were here out of respect for the Lady Boffin, not because they had loved the boy who was returning to the earth.

Alek almost forgot to blink as they lowered the casket into the earth. Moisture gleamed in his eyes, he was so fixated on that box disappearing under the fresh dirt. As the final words were spoken, he was one of the few who did not rise to make conversation with the rest of the crowd. Frozen, Alek didn’t hear them, just looked at the casket with an unreadable expression.

Wham!

After an initial choke of surprise, Alek turned to glare at the girl who had knocked him across the head.

“You ought to show more respect,” he said in a low voice, then rubbed the back of his neck, “Or at least pretend you’re grieving.”

“Oh like you?” Deryn put her hands on her hips and cocked her head to the side, her long hair pooling on her left shoulder, “You looked more like you have a stomachache”

Alek fought to conceal a smile. It wouldn’t do to be caught grinning at his best friend’s funeral.

“Perhaps my acting still needs some work,” he sighed, “It is difficult to contend with you, Ms. Sharp.”

Deryn hefted her parasol over her shoulder like a rifle. Unlike the other women, she didn’t wear a veil. It seemed to Alek that this was an unwise decision on her part, any one of the military men could recognize her face, or even members of the Society, but he supposed that was why any real friends of Deryn’s hadn’t bothered to show up.

“Seems an awful lot of bleather over an empty box,” Deryn sighed, “If only I had known I was so popular with high ranking officials in life, I might’ve asked a few more favors.”

After laughing at her joke, Deryn offered a hand to Alek, a soft smile on her face.

“Shall we head down to the nearest pub to drown our sorrows?” she asked, a wicked smile on her face.

Alek rolled his eyes.

“It is hardly appropriate for a young lady to be without chaperone in a pub, Ms. Sharp,” He said, smiling despite himself.

“Then it’s a good thing I’m no lady,” Deryn chuckled. Suddenly her eyes went wide and she sat back in her seat, seeming to cower behind Alek, “And there’s Dr. Barlow looking for us, come on, lets make a run for it!”

Sure enough, the Lady Boffin was making her way through the seats, scanning the crowds for her two henchmen.

“You can’t hide from her forever,” Alek said flatly, as he rose from his seat and took Deryn’s arm.

“I’m not going to hide from her forever,” Deryn grumbled, “I just don’t want her to make me wear the bloody hat.”

The girl practically dragged him down the hill, making a mess of both the hem of her black skirt and Alek’s polished shoes. It was not to be however, as Bovril chose that moment to make a particularly loud chirp, alerting the other loris to his whereabouts.

“Ah, Ms. Sharp, there you are,” Dr. Barlow made her way effortlessly down the hill at a slow pace, knowing full well neither of them would bolt in her presence. “It appears you are underdressed!”

Deryn scowled as the Lady Boffin settled the black bowler upon her head, tilting it just so.

“You seem to have forgotten it in the coach,” she said cheerfully, “You really must learn to be more organized, Ms. Sharp.”

“Forgive me mam,” Deryn sighed as she tried to re-adjust it to sit more comfortably, “I’m a bit out of sorts, I have recently died after all.”

“A funeral is no place for impertinence, Ms. Sharp,” Dr. Barlow chided, “I suggest you take that attitude somewhere were you will not insult those who have come to grieve over this tragic loss.” She turned her back to the two of them, “You are both dismissed.”

Sighing with relief, the pair made their way into town. They knew the place well, their apartments were just down the road, and the local pub had been one of Dylan’s favorites. Ollie waved to Alek as they entered.

“What, no place at the bar?” he asked as they sat at a quiet table towards the back, “Come on lad, sitting in the back will do you no good.”

Ollie was a kind man, despite her thinking this whole business was daft Deryn felt a little guilty for his sake.

“I am fine here, thank you,” Alek said stiffly, squeezing Deryn’s hand under the table, “Just something to eat, please,”

With one pitying look at the pair, Ollie disappeared into the kitchens. He knew what they always ordered, even if he didn’t recognize the proper Boffin lass that sat next to his old friend. As he came out with a tray holding two bowls of soup and a loaf of bread, he actually pulled up a chair to sit next to Alek before placing his meal before him.

“Dylan was a good lad,” He said, putting a hand on the boy’s shoulder, “The Lord works in mysterious ways,”

Shooting a glance towards Deryn Alek couldn’t help but sigh.

“He does indeed,” he said, then made proper introductions, “I don’t believe you have met my fiancé, Ms. Deryn Sharp?”

Ollie’s eyes widened.

“Another Sharp?” he asked, looking her over, “You certainly look like the lad. I’m Oliver Pinch”

Deryn grinned.

“Aye, I’m told that,” she extended her hand, “A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Pinch.”

Deryn knew full well that he would immediately respond with “Bah, call me Ollie,” but she supposed such things were better for the deception.

“So you’re his sister?” he asked.

“No, his cousin,” Deryn replied, taking a modest sip of water.

“I’m sorry lass,” he said, “Were the two of you close?”

This time Deryn almost choked on the spoonful. It was something between a cough and a laugh. Ollie had been her friend, and here she was alive and well without telling him, but it was a bit mad that she had to pretend to be upset over the death of someone who had never really existed.

“You could say that,” she finally said, then delicately wiped her mouth with a napkin.

Ollie gave her once last pitying glance, patted Alek on the shoulder, and went to go stand by the bar.

“You’re acting like a child,” Alek noted, not looking at her as he watched Ollie go.

“I suppose I am,” Deryn sighed as she took another spoonful, pinching a morsel of bread and feeding it to Bovril. It chirped in happiness, and devoured the piece, climbing down from Deryn’s shoulder to sit on the table.

“I’m…nervous.” She admitted, stroking the beastie’s back.

Alek cocked his head at her, raising his brows. “You?”

“Well that’s just it,” Deryn sighed, “Dylan wouldn’t be nervous. He’s been on all sorts of adventures, so many that I may have forgotten what its like to be just Deryn again.”

Alek arched a brow at this, making Deryn groan and continue.

“Its almost like, well, Doctor Barlow doesn’t act like it was hard to make it as a woman but I know that’s not true. I have her to help me, but…” she waived a vague hand, “I don’t have a… I cant just escape all the bleather and be Dylan again. There are things young Lady Boffins cant do, things that Dylan can. I’m just…stuck in skirts again, I suppose.”

Alek decided that this wouldn’t be a good opportunity to remind her that women wearing trousers were a growing fad.

Deryn sighed and sat back in her chair, assuming a very unladylike position. “Its not that I have a problem so much as I don’t know what will happen.”

“Why didn’t you tell the Lady Boffin?” Alek asked, snaking his hand over hers.

“I might’ve, at some point. I don’t remember her response, but it was probably something dismissive. She’s been herself her whole life, no secrets, no lies, of course she wouldn’t know how it feels to throw away a persona.” Deryn leaned forward and looked at Alek, squeezing his fingers in hers. “Also, she’s been…alluding to something.”

Alek’s eyes flitted about the room like they always did when Deryn was about to mention top-secret Boffin rumors. She chuckled at him.

“Could you be more suspicious?” she said, reaching forward to mess up his hair. “That’s why the Lady Boffin keeps you out of the inner circle.”

“I don’t mind,” Alek murmured, “I hear everything from you.”

Still laughing, she allowed herself to relax in her chair. Deryn always had a way of bringing up important things while looking as if she hadn’t a care in the world.

“Theres this project some of the higher ups are working on,” Deryn said, “Not even I know much about it. Some kind of new airship, faster and more powerful than the Leviathan, and the funny thing is, so far as I know it has nothing to do with the service.”

Alek widened his eyes.

“The Society is fabricating its own airship? That’s madness! The military would never stand for it!” His whisper turned into a loud hiss that made Ollie look up from polishing a glass.

Deryn rolled her eyes and squeezed his fingers again.

“Hush, your princeliness,” She said, almost soothingly, “Whatever it is, it’s going to happen soon.”

Alek exhaled slowly, looking to Deryn, forcing himself to smile. “I suppose so.”

Both of their meals finished, and the rest of the day off, the young couple left the pub to go home. Deryn had some paperwork to do, and there was a book Alek hadn’t the time to finish. A day to themselves was much needed, seeing how there was a much anticipated wedding, and a less anticipated promotion for the both of them in the future.

#Leviathan Trilogy #leviathan series #surprise!#everythings happy!#weeeee #deryn sharp #repost from forever ago #aleksander hohenberg #dr barlow #nora barlow #bovril #Ugh #he's TECHNICALLY in this #i guess

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