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yapposrantcafe · 5 months

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Grab a chair, a beverage, and get ready to either love or hate me.

This blog is a place for me to be honest about how I feel about many things I find disturbing in the world or society these days. You see I'm a disabled middle-aged woman with a grown daughter and eldery mother living with me.

Stress, conflict, and different ways of seeing the world prevail daily here. I'll let you guess which one of our residences likes to stir the proverbial pot and cause the other two to be miserable. This person finds it fun apparently. It's not a happy place to live. Simply being family doesn't automatically equal happiness when amongst each other. It's simply a roof over our heads and a place to survive.

We are not rich but we manage to never miss a meal. Two of Three of us have college degrees that aren't being used. One on social securitiy, one on disability, and one working part time paying only for gas my car.

I should mention that my daughters father died 3 yrs ago and left her financially well off. Not like Trump, Bill Gates, or other stupidly rich people. But enough to put a roof on my house before it became serious, level garage before it collapsed, new fence in backyard to stop dogs from escaping after losing one on the road, and some of the property cleared so we could expand yard. Some invested for her senior years means it's one less thing I need to worry about.

I don't charge my daughter rent because of the money she spent to save the house, I forgot windows and gutters she had replaced, but I would appreciate some help with the housework.

Again, I'm disabled. Seizures, Daily migraines causing my brain to eat it's white matter like MS but in different areas, random weakness of limbs, Central Nervous System (CNS) that short circuits and throws my motor skills out of sorts, anxiety, panic attacks, and depression, all that to be topped off by a pretty much non-existent immune system that's kept me on antibiotics for the last 6 months.

Now you know my situation. I live with people whom I seem to annoy by my mere presence and I'm starting to feel the same way about them. I can't open my mouth without being wrong even if the dog I'm petting is blond, and I call him blondie. I'm not sure how this is wrong but wow does it set off my daughter. Now my mother just says what she thinks is wrong with my daughter, and myself, and how we should act and what we should be doing that we're not.

I feel stuck. I'd sign this house over to my daughter in a heartbeat and rent a tiny apartment somewhere but I'd have to take my mother and both pomskies so it'd not be much of an improvement since I can't drive, and neither can my mother who has bad sight.

Now you know a bit of my situation and the reason I want, no need, to write this blog. You see i keep a journal for my personal stuff to try and help me stay sane but there's another problem that involves the people around me, even those who aren't related. If I have an opinion or thought on a topic they become aggressively upset and it starts a conflict.

I don't do conflict unless absolutely needed. It stresses me out and causes my health to deteriorate rapidly. So, I try to avoid it when possible. This would be the reason I'm sitting in my room with the dogs napping on my bed writing this someplace no one will likely find it or give a damn if they do run across it.

This, my personal journal, meditation, and other stress management techniques in my room are my only solace these days. I'm fighting to correct my health and waiting to find out if I qualify for IVIg therapy to boost my immune system. It's expensive so if insurance doesn't ok it I will live on antibiotics till I build a resistance and finally pass from some respiratory something.

Everything is so full of stress I will take any outlet to depressurize it and wait till I've hopefully saved enough for another long weekend just by myself in 6 months if I don't have another seizure.

#personal rant

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withoneheadlight · 4 years

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Kinda want to make us happen (so stop smiling at me like that)

"Okay. What would you go for, then?"

"I don't know. Johansson, maybe? I like that one" says Steve, thoughtful, dropping down next to Billy, his back against the boiling side of the Camaro" Ooor-oh! Williamson! That one sounds good. Steve Williamson. What do you think?"

"Weird." Billy taps his cigarette butt with his thumb, blowing the ash, "I think it sounds weird. And I don't know why you want to change it, if all of those rhyme with the one you already have”

Steve rolls his eyes. The screams from the pool come gusty, like the wind that has risen from the east. The kids are already more than fifteen minutes late.

"Let's see. You try. I'm sure you'll have a knack for it"

Billy should get mad about his haughty tone, but what he feels instead is that tone describing a line that travels straight down from the hollow of his throat to just below his navel. The wind has extinguished his cigarette when he brings it to his lips. He throws it. Steals Steve's.

"Hey!"

"I don't know" he hits a puff, pretends to ignore him "I like the one you have. Sounds good. Ha-rring-ton. HaaaarringTON ”

"You only like it because you use it to harass me"

Billy can't help but smile. Wide. Cheeky.

"Maybe"

Billy shouldn't know about this last name thing. It's not like he and Steve have anything remotely close to that kind of familiarity. They are not friends or anything. Most of the time Billy only gets to see him like this, in passing. An almost daily coincidence. On days like today, waiting for the kids around a cigarette. On the days Steve stops by the gas station during Billy's shift to refuel the BMW. When he sees him in the distance, walking by, like those people you see only in the movies. Sunglasses on. White, pristine Nikes, a smile more expensive than all the money Billy will ever have in his hands. Million-dollar Steve Harrington, with his million-dollar smile. Completely unattainable for someone like Billy.

Because, that’s it, people like Steve Harrington happen to people like Billy Hargrove only in passing. And he knows, he knows, but he can't help but force those coincidences a little sometimes, push them into happening, like dropping by the Mall to fetch an ice cream on the Scoops –even if it really does have the best stuff in town–, accidentally catching a conversation ("Dingus. I vote for dingus. That’s your new last name" and "Thank you, Robin. I'm glad you're taking it so seriously" and "I take it seriously. Steve Dingus. Think about it"). And Billy is curious now. As he always is, inevitably, about all things regarding Steve Harrington.

"And why do you want to change it?"

"I'm gonna-" Steve hesitates. Draws a long, curved line with his shoe, staining the tip with the dusty ocher dirt of the gravel "I'm gonna leave"

It's a curious thing. One moment it feels like there's plenty of air filling your lungs, and the next, you have nothing.

"From Hawkins?"

"Eh? No. No” Steve takes a deep breath, “Only from my parent’s house”

Billy doesn't know if when your heart skips a beat you can ever get it back, but if not, Steve Harrington owes him this one.

But he sounds cool, perfectly collected when he speaks again. A long, hard-learned ability.

"And the last name thing?"

“My father– He's always saying this shit,” he sighs, makes his voice even more serious, rounds it in an exaggerated imitation of his father “This –You're not worthy to carry the Harrington name– shit. So."

Billy knows a lot about asshole fathers and never meeting impossible expectations. If he could, he would erase every trace of Neil off himself, even if he's not sure how much would be left after that.

"Yeah"

He hands him the cigarette and Steve accepts it with a small smile.

"It will cost me almost everything I have. But, you know, is worth it"

Billy frowns.

"Don't you have like, a shitload of money?"

"Not if I leave" Steve shrugs, turns his head in the direction of the pool, throat working "If you leave casa Harrington, you leave casa Harrington for good. No car, no inheritance, no nothing. We’re not– in the best terms right now. My father and I"

Billy wants to know about that too–he wants to know everything– but it seems like too much to ask.

Steve's head lulls down. The wind picks up momentum over the curve of his back, ruffles his hair in a whirlpool. He puffs on the cigarette.

It's the closest Billy is ever going to get to his lips.

"Well, welcome then, to bottom of the bottom of the social scale. I’m sure you’re gonna enjoy yourself down here, surrounded by the poor and the unprivileged “

He means it as a joke, but realizes he has screwed up the moment the words leave his lips. Steve’s face twists into something sad and ashamed and Billy is a fucking asshole that needs to stop and think before opening his big, stupid mouth.

"I guess so," he says, lips pressed thin. And God, Billy is like a fucking elephant, stepping on every delicate thing. He should know better than making it worst.

Fuck.

Because is not as he can’t imagine the reason why Steve wants to get away from Robert Harrington. Why he needs to stop being someone so small under such a large shadow. Because Steve it’s not like that. It’s not some selfish and self-centered prick. Steve is caring and protective and so, so good.

And Billy is totally gone for him.

"You can have mine" he says, and immediately wants to smack himself in the head because though you were gonna start thinking before speaking, Hargrove.

Steve looks at him, curious and a bit confused. Billy inhales. Deep.

"Can what?"

"My last name" he says, because Steve is looking at him intently, and there’s nothing he can do now "I hate it. You can have it if you want”

And Jesus, he feels so stupid right now. It’s like he can’t control his fucking mouth when he's around Steve, like he’s still seventeen and trying so hard to impress him. Fishes inside his back pocket for the pack of cigarettes. He can see Steve’s smile growing in the corner of his eye. And ok. That’s ok. Billy is a big-mouthed asshole. But Steve is smiling now, so ok.

At least he made it better.

"I don't think Steve Hargrove sounds very cool either, truth be told"

But it does. It does. And Billy is turning red, warmth spreading through his face, burning on the tips of his ears.

"It’s better than Johansson"

"That’s true" He does this thing he does sometimes, this thing of fixing his eyes on Billy and instantly looking away, elusive, and Billy's body tightens as if ready to hunt him down, thrumming with the blind impulse of reach after him. In this distance, he can see all the moles that dot his skin, delicate and beautiful, the long to touch them hurts at his fingertips.

"How are you going to do it?"

“No fucking idea,” he shrugs. “I guess I can stay at Dustin's for a few days and try to come up with something from there. I don't really have anything planned. I just want–". He doesn't say it, like he’s not able to find the words. Like it’s less formed thought and more feeling. But there’s no need because Billy knows them all. He has an interminable list of them. It starts with freedom, with independence, with never again. He yelled them all at his father when he got away last year. Max is the only reason he hasn’t flown from Hawkins yet.

Well, not the only reason. Just the only that’s not a fucking dream.

“No fucking idea” Steve repeats like an echo, huffs a laugh that comes out ragged. Nervous. Like he’s caught up in that thought. How are you gonna do it?.

And Billy is an adult now. Shouldn’t be losing his self-control around a boy like this anymore. Even if that boy is Steve Harrington. Should be able to stop his fucking mouth for fuck’s sake.

But he asks, anyway.

"Wanna crash at my place?"

“Uh?”

Steve’s brow furrows. Most days it ain’t easy to tell apart the color of his eyes, irises so dark they mix with the pupils, but the sun is sinking low now, golden light brightening them lighter, a soft shade of brown. Billy tries not to think about how impossible he is, how out of reach even like this, so close to him, side to side, their bodies brushing.

"While you figure it out, I mean. Or, you know, I could use a roommate, share the rent, once you regain some money, I mean”

It's a stupid offer and he knows it, because people like Steve Harrington never really happen to people like Billy Hargrove, only like this, the luck to steal a few moments, a coincidence.

"Really?" Steve asks with something completely, disarmingly unexpected. Something like hope.

He gets up, looks at Billy like he’s trying to decipher something.

"No. Not really. Didn't you just hear me, Harrington?” He says, uses his best unrepentant asshole tone. Lights another cigarette “I'm wasn't by any means inviting you or something"

And Steve smiles smiles smiles. And Billy has never-ever wanted to kiss someone so much, and for so long, and be able to hold himself back.

"Jesus, Hargrove" Steve breathes out a laugh, and he's beaming, and Billy doesn't have the slightest idea how he managed to do that "Is there anything you are not willing to give me?"

And he’s kidding, of course he is, but the words hit like a blow, straight to his solar plexus and Billy is not fast enough, he wasn’t prepared. So when he lowers his head, he’s sure Steve has seen it all, right there in his eyes.

Everything.

He lights the cigarette, fills his lungs till he feels them burning.

"You take it or what?"

"I take it" he says. Low and soft like it is something intended only for Billy to hear "And, you’re right, by the way”

“Uh?”

“It sounds better the more I think about it"

(This is how it goes:

Steve never gets to change it.

He moves in with Billy. Needs the money because (“No, no, no. You’re not gonna pay for all our food ¿You want me to die of embarrassment? Wait. Wait. Don’t answer that") so he postpones it because, there's no rush, really (“And you keep calling me HAAaarrrrington, so feels a bit like a waste”) it was one those in-the-heat-of-the-moment kind of decisions anyway so (“No. It was no childish. You’re an asshole. Ok, well. Yeah. That I can accept. It was not the most practical) it ends up on undefined hiatus.

And then they start joking about it. Billy calls him “Mr. Hargrove” (“Good morning, Mr. Hargrove” or “Wanna go to the movies tonight, Mr. Hargrove?” or “You forgot to do the dishes yesterday, Mr. Hargrove, that's five bucks to the forgotten-dishes jar, Mr. Hargrove”) and Steve uses his, when replies, in a fairly accurate impersonation (“You owe like, twenty dollars to that jar, Harrington. So you are not to speak”) and keeps on using it against him on a regular basis (“Gosh, Harrington, you're such softie. And think that you used to be such a hard-ass on High School” every time Max convinces him to take her shopping).

And, truth be told, Steve never hated it that much. Kind of loves it, now that his father hasn’t power over him anymore, now that it's Billy who uses it, rides the letters like a wave, HarrignTON, piling up the syllables like in a roller coaster. When he says,

“I’m glad you’re here with me, Harrington” falling asleep against his shoulder on the couch.

When he says,

“I miss you, Harrington. This is so boring without you” that time Steve took the kids on a camping trip for a whole week.

When he says,

“I can’t stop myself from kissing you anymore, Harrington. So this is your chance to step away”

They hyphenate, at the end.

There are a lot of Hs and Rs and Gs, that they share, and Steve wants them all.

They toss a coin in the air.

“Are you sure you haven’t cheated, pretty boy? You look too smug to not be lying”

“Why would I? But we can switch, if you want to”

“Nah, I think it sounds pretty good, actually” Billy says. Kisses him “Better the more I think about it”)

#dumb boys being dumb #dumb writers being even dumber #harringrove #harringrove fic #steve harrington #Billy Hargrove #billy x steve #Steve x Billy #xharringrove

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mental-health-advice · 4 years

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I'm having horrible anxiety about the upcoming adulthood. I'm constant worrying about everything that adulthood brings like college, loans, bills ect. All these responsibilities that I'm way underprepared for it honestly scares me. I lost the feeling of joy and happiness and now it turned to regrets and anxiety that I didn't learn everything beforehand and was better prepared. Is there anything I can do I feel like I'm wasting time but I don't know what to do or where to start.

Hey there,

I won’t lie, going into adulthood can be really scary, overwhelming and anxiety provoking, but I know that you can get through this! You’re so much stronger than you both think and feel so please keep hanging in there! Having extra responsibilities in life as you get older can seem like a lot to deal with, but hopefully I can share with you some advice and help that will hopefully make the transition into adulthood a bit easier and less confronting for you.

A lot of people can find transitioning into adulthood hard, and especially with the first hurdle being moving out of home and learning to do things by yourself, like cooking and cleaning, paying for bills, working and on top of that possibly working too. It can be a big juggling act but try to take things one step at a time because whilst doing things by yourself and learning how to take care of yourself and needs can be tough at first, it will get easier in time! In a way it can be like going from riding a bike with training wheels and then learning to ride without them. When you were younger and first started to learn to ride your bike with training wheels, it may have felt impossible to learn to balance and ride without them, but over time you would’ve achieved this and been so very proud of yourself too!

Every day we learn new things and skills that will help us live independently in time, and whilst some people may have learnt some of the skills needed before moving out of home, not everyone is as lucky and so they have to learn things as they go. There isn’t a crash course in learning adult responsibilities and how to deal with new things unfortunately and it’s also not uncommon for people to worry as much as you are. So you’re definitely not alone!

There are little things that you can do to help you when it comes to money and finances. One things that I find most helpful, is writing down a list of all of my expenses in advance so that I can manage my money better and make sure I put money towards the things I need to, for example bills and things like that. So for example, each time I get payed (fortnightly) I make sure to put money aside for food, different bills (phone and internet, gas, electricity, water and rent) and other things that I may need to pay for. I also try to put aside some money each time I get payed so I can save some money for those bigger bills, for example my car insurance, getting my car serviced and also for petrol. I also try to put aside some money for me so I can spoil myself at times or get those other things you may need or want to get. Doing lists can be hard at first as you may not know how much money you will need to put aside each pay day, but after a few months you will see a pattern in what you spend and where your money goes, but you can do this, I believe in you!

In regards to starting college, try to remind yourself that a lot of people will be as nervous and anxious as you. Perhaps you can try to meet new people from your classes and also through different events that your college may offer. You may also find the work load a lot harder as compared to high school so it may be helpful to write yourself a timetable or schedule so that you can use your time wisely. Doing this will help you put time aside for study and other important things you need to do. It is important though that you make sure to put time aside for you so that you have time to relax, look after yourself and do things that you enjoy. Balance is of most importance so that you don’t burn out! It’s also important to know that colleges offer a lot of support and help for a range of different things, so don’t be afraid to ask for help!

I really hope that this has been helpful and you feel less anxious of the road ahead of you. Remember that you don’t have to go through this alone and we are always here to offer support and advice as needed. You’re not alone and I know that you can get through all of this. Just take things one day at a time and remember to breathe!

I’m thinking of you and wish you all the best!

Take care,

Lauren

#mha-lauren #advice #advice blog #mental health advice #anonymous #transition into adulthood #anxious #unprepared #college #money #paying bills

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