December 17, 1987 ♪ Roy Wilkins Auditorium

📸 Jim Steinfeldt

In Your Shadow

sort of Javier Peña x reader, platonic!Steve Murphy x reader (she/her pronouns; no Y/N used)

Javi keeps getting the credit for work he didn’t do, and she’s pissed. Chaos ensues.

Word count: 2500+

Warnings: angst and frustration, lots of cursing, potentially horrid Spanish (I’m learning, I promise), smoking

A/N: This is based on the song Shadow by Unlike Pluto. You can find pieces of the lyrics in the dialogue. You can also find the translations of everything said in Spanish at the end! Feel free to correct me on anything; like I said, I’m learning Spanish, and I appreciate any advice. <3

“... and thank you again to Agente Peña for providing this invaluable intel.” As the meeting adjourned and several individuals voiced their praise, she charged out of the briefing room and into the office, seething, death-gripping her files to her chest. Hot on her heels, Steve attempted to pacify her.

“I’m sure he didn’t mean to steal your thunder, honey. He’s just-”

“What? He’s just what, Steve? A senior agent? Running the show? A man? Tell me, what exactly justifies him getting credit for the shit I’ve worked months on?!” The files were starting to crumple in her grasp.

“Well, I don-”

“This isn’t even the first time he’s done it! He’s gotten recognition for my informants, my intel, my translations, my briefings, my goddamn livelihood!” Her voice was starting to raise in pitch and volume as tears gathered in her eyes. Steve held his hands up, trying to silently reason with her. “I can’t win, Steven! I work my ass off day and night for this fuckin’ job, only to have the rug pulled out from under me because I’m ‘not working as hard’ as holier-than-thou Javier goddamn Peña and his massive ego! I have to live under it and, as I’m sure you’ve noticed, it casts giant shadows!”

Unfortunately, the source of her rage had picked an inopportune time to waltz in. With only a second to register Steve’s panicked look, Javi might as well have wandered into the middle of a firing squad. The execution probably wouldn’t have been half as painful.

“You motherfucker!” she yelled, slamming the now torn and wrinkled papers onto her desk with a clatter. “You lying, power-hungry, manipulative bastard! You fuck every other woman you get the chance to, but you’ve decided to fuck my life instead! I’ve worked for fucking months; hundreds of hours and sleepless nights on this information, and you’ve taken all the credit! Again!”

Javi, oblivious to the full impact of this outburst, opted for the worst possible response. “Come on, sweetheart, we’re working as a team. Plus, you asked me to hand it in to Noonan. If you wanted to take credit for it so badly, you should’ve just talked to her yourself!” Steve visibly cringed and gestured for him to cut it out. Too late.

She stalked forward and, though Javi tried to back up, she had him backed into a corner. “You pompous ass! ¡Más tonto y no naces!” She’d broken out her Spanish. Oh boy. “I can’t even talk to Noonan because she always tells me to run my ideas by your incompetant ass! You cast a shadow over everything I try to do; it’s not like I can get anything worthwhile done when your massive ego’s towering over my ambitions!” She jabbed a finger into his chest, punctuating her words. “Nothing I’ve ever done here has ever mattered to the agency, because I live in your shadow and you’ve taken all of it from me! When will you move out of my way and stop treating me like a fucking doormat?!”

Javi was starting to get defensive, which was never a good sign, especially when Spanish started to get sprinkled in. “¡Oh, lo siento mucho!” he shot back sarcastically. “I wasn’t aware that all the work you get authorized by me to do was proprietary!”

“Are you fuckin’ serious?” she spat. “All you had to do was say the report was from me! It’s not proprietary, Peña, it’s my goddamn right to present the information that I spent my own money, overtime, health, and physical fucking safety to acquire! I’m sorry that I have a genuine interest in making sure this case gets handled right instead of spending my every waking moment getting my dick wet in my informants!”

A small group was starting to gather near the office, waiting to hear if Peña finally got his ass handed to him. This didn’t seem to bother either agent as they glared each other down. With Peña’s pride now on the line, no holds were barred, and he was ready to bust out personal attacks.

“Any competent agent would’ve just handed their shit in themselves, but no, you’ve gotta rely on someone else to do it for you.” He was livid; his pride had been damaged while he was riding the high of gloat and achievement, like getting laid and immediately being punched in the balls. She wasn’t letting this one go, and it was obvious he wasn’t either. “God! You’re like a cloud every time you walk in here, bitching about how little sleep you’re getting or how your work is piling up; a fuckin’ rain on my parade!” He stepped forward, crowding her, his posture more and more assertive with every word. “¡Madura de una vez! You’re an adult, a government agent, taking down a drug cartel run by Pablo fuckin’ Escobar! No one’s getting sleep, and it certainly doesn’t help when you’re whining about it! Maybe if you stopped, you’d have time to turn in your own reports and get the credit you don’t deserve!”

Escobar himself could’ve walked through the office and no one would’ve noticed. Javi’s mouth slammed shut the moment the words left, but they seemed to echo in the eerily silent office. Her shoulders sagged, and she stumbled back a few steps, trying to steady herself.

“Fuck, I-” Javi choked on his words. Her eyes were red, her cheeks stained, but her face was frighteningly level.

“Yeah, tienes razón.” Her voice was hollow, tired. “It’s always stormy lately. I guess I’m just under too much pressure; it’s driving me insane. There’s only one way to relieve it.” She slipped off her gun holster and unclipped her badge, pressing them into his chest. “I quit.” Without a second glance, she stormed out of the office.

Two weeks later, her desk was cleared out, her files and informants were on a list to be redistributed to the rest of the unit, and the office was uncomfortably heavy. Javi was smoking way more than usual, everyone avoided him like the plague, Steve was bored, the case was at a standstill, and the quiet was palpable. She was no longer a colorful presence flitting around the tables, leaving a rainbow of Post-it Notes in her wake, charting cell signals, calling out for advice, chatting on the phone in Spanglish, humming quietly or bobbing her head to the radio, popping up to refill her coffee cup and offering to refill everyone else’s every couple hours, then rushing off to the bathroom when she’d had too much. She was a constant presence the unit soon realized they’d taken advantage of.

The phone on Steve’s desk rang mid-morning, and he stifled a yawn as he picked it up. “Murphy,” he grunted.

“Hey, Stevie,” came a familiar voice. “¿Qué pasa?”

He brightened. “Hey, hon.” He felt some of the tension leave him, but it was still there. “We’re fuckin’ stuck. Nothing’s happening, everyone’s lifeless, and Javi’s still moping. Eso es lo que pasa.” He could hear her breathy laugh; she was always proud when he practiced his conversational Spanish with her. She’d told him she felt it was an honor he was comfortable enough to try it out around her. “What’s up with you?”

“Ahí vamos; he estado mejor. I’m sorry you have to deal with-” she stopped and huffed, then her words became muffled. “Tengo una cita con la embajadora, huevón. ¡Estoy al teléfono!” She yelped. “¡Tócame otra vez y te rompo la nariz!” There was a brief commotion, then a thump, and suddenly, her voice became clear again. “Sorry, I’m waiting on Noonan. I’m supposed to meet with her today to finalize my paperwork.”

Steve sighed. “You’re really going through with this, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess I am.” Another voice called her name in the background, then spoke quietly for a moment. “What?! ¿Qué quiere decir ‘no está aquí’?” The voice spoke again, then there was a pause. “Okay… Si, todo bien… Está bien. Listo.” Then, back to Steve: “Noonan didn’t show. Some emergency meeting. Just great; I guess I’m rescheduling.”

“Maybe it’s fate!” Steve teased, only half joking. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Javi trudge across the office to the coffee pot, give it a long, forlorn look, then trudge back towards his desk. His eyes were heavy, his shirt rumpled, even his mustache looked sad. As he plopped down amongst towers of papers, Steve cleared his throat and made a show of nestling the handset under his chin. “Well, whatever the case, that gives me time to convince you to stay with us. Your desk looks stupid empty.” Though he was deliberately looking away, he could see Javi’s head and shoulders snap up like he’d heard a gunshot. On the other end of the line, she laughed.

“Don’t try to sweet talk me, Murphy. I’d welcome the company, though.”

“Of course!” he replied, making sure his smile was as cheesy as possible. “I’ll meet you outside in a little bit?” She agreed.

Steve busied himself with pretending to look busy for the next half hour, then announced he was going to talk to Carrillo. As soon as he turned the corner and was sure he was out of sight, he watched Javi scramble out of his seat and out the door.

Outside the building, she was sitting on a bench, her back turned. Lazy wisps of cigarette smoke danced in the wind in front of her figure, and Javi suddenly felt very insecure. He called her name, uncomfortable with the way his voice wavered. She jumped, then, after a beat, slowly turned towards him. “Come mierda, Javier.” He didn’t let her words deter him, approaching the side of the bench. She glared up at him. “No me joda. I’ll finish up in a second and leave.” He wrung his hands, feeling small under her stare.

“I’m going to sit with you,” he declared.

“Please go,” she said, softer this time. “I just wanna feel the wind one last time before I leave. Just wanna look at this shitty masterpiece of a city; really take it in.”

He ignored her plea and sat, far enough away that he didn’t feel like he was ganging up on her. They just sat, and she took long, deep drags of her cigarette. After she eventually ground the butt into the pavement, he took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry.” He left the declaration hanging in the wind for a moment, before plunging on. “I’m sorry for what I said, and what I’ve been doing to you. I’ve been a selfish asshole, and you were right to call me out on that. I’m not going to convince you to stay, because you don’t deserve to be dealing with my bullshit all the time. You’re talented and selfless and I never appreciated everything you sacrificed for us until it was gone. I just- fuck, I feel like such a piece of shit.”

“You are.” He blinked owlishly. “You’re a self-centered, impulsive manwhore with a weird mixture of self-hatred and a superiority complex. You’ve been a horrible coworker and I almost feel ashamed that I tried so hard to be your friend.” He ducked his head, trying to hide his mortification. “Almost.”

He peered back up at her, cocking his head in confusion. “That said, you’re a great agent, kind and sympathetic when you wanna be, passionate about the work we do, and, when you keep a level head, you’re fun to work with. I don’t know if I can forgive you right now for all the shit you did, but your apology goes a long way. I appreciate that.”

She took a deep breath, then stilled, staring out into the movement and noise of Medellín. He watched her for a few minutes, though it felt like hours. He watched the clenching and unclenching of her jaw, the gentle rise and fall of her chest, the flutter of her eyelashes; all the details he’d been too busy to notice. “Penny for your thoughts?”

She looked over, raising an eyebrow. “I don’t know. I’m just thinkin’ about life. What I want to do.”

“I know it doesn’t amount to much, but I’d like you to stay.”

“I can’t- I mean, I can, it’s just that- fuck, I don’t even know,” she mumbled, furrowing her brows to try to stop a tear from slipping down her cheek. “It’s just that, by all official records, I’m pretty much worthless here, y’know? All my abilities go unnoticed and it’s like I’m not even there. I know you don’t mean to stand above me, but you are, and the shadow I live under is killing me. It’s taken my job, my self worth, my… being. I can’t live like that anymore, constantly working at the precipice of death, of destruction, of failure, and the one thing I can do to help isn’t even appreciated as my own. It’s just… cold.”

Javi nodded. “After you left, I went up to Noonan and explained what’d happened; that I didn’t deserve any of the credit I’d been given.”

“Well, that’s not true! The things that you did you deserve credit for. You’re incredibly talented, Javi, just not with my intel.”

“But… you do deserve the credit I get. You deserve so much more than you‘ve ever gotten. What I said was so selfish.”

She grabbed his hand. “Javi, selfishness aside, I know you’re in a dark place. We all are. After all, we’re government agents ‘taking down a drug cartel run by Pablo fuckin’ Escobar’ and we don’t get any sleep.” She smiled at her usage of the words he’d berated her with weeks earlier. “I should’ve taken more initiative to turn in my own work; it was silly of me to put that on you. I know you’ve got your own mess going on. Plus, I said a lot of awful things right back. Most of them I meant, some of them I didn’t, but I could’ve handled it all a lot better. I’m sorry we didn’t work this out earlier.”

Javi squeezed her hand, feeling a little warm tingle in his stomach. “Me too.” He sighed, raking his other hand through his hair. “I- er, we really do need your help. You’re priceless.” She exhaled sharply, tilting her head back and forth as if weighing her options.

“Fine. I’ll talk to Noonan.” Javi’s face lit up. “But on two conditions.” He nodded. “One: I get recognition for my past and future work, and two: you promise to work with me and call on me if we have any issues. We can’t have these communication errors any longer if we’re gonna catch these bastards.” She paused, then smiled lightly. “Also, you owe me a lot of coffee.”

Just as Javi agreed, Steve came out of the building. He stopped a few paces from them, looking back and forth from Javi’s pink cheeks and goofy grin, her teary eyes, and their interlaced hands. “I’m sorry, what did I miss?”

She laughed as they pulled their hands apart and she wiped the tears away. “I’m keeping my job.”

“That’s amazing! …Peña, what did you dose her with?” Javi let out the fakest laugh he could, but smiled along with it. She sighed softly, the breeze dancing across her skin.

“All I want is to cast my own shadow.”

Translations:

¡Más tonto y no naces! - If you were any dumber, you wouldn’t have been born!)

¡Oh, lo siento mucho! -> Oh, I’m so sorry!

¡Madura de una vez! -> Grow up!

tienes razón -> you’re right

¿Qué pasa? -> What’s up?

Eso es lo que pasa. -> That’s what’s up.

Ahí vamos; he estado mejor. -> Fine, I guess; I’ve been better.

Tengo una cita con la embajadora, huevón. ¡Estoy al teléfono! -> I have an appointment with the ambassador, asshole. I’m on the phone!

¡Tócame otra vez y te rompo la nariz! -> Touch me again and I’ll break your nose!

¿Qué quiere decir ‘no está aquí’? -> What do you mean ‘she’s not here’?

Si, todo bien… Está bien. Listo. -> Yeah, all good… all right. Okay.

Come mierda -> Eat shit

No me joda. -> Don’t fuck with me.

Andi Mack 3x19 Review

A Moving Day was a lovely episode though one that had too much filler for such a late episode. Let’s dig in!

Positives:

Despite the cut ep and the re-shoots they were able to give Bex and Bowie a lovely wedding. Bex and Bowie have really been one of the core story lines for the show and it’s nice to see them get such a happy ending. There was a lot of history packed into Bex thanking Bowie for sticking it out and boy was the pay off ever worth it.

This smaller wedding works much better for their dynamic than the big farm wedding did and having it just be a main character affair makes the show more equal. And the snow and the trees and mountains and gazebo made for one of the most visually stunning eps of the show. Almost like a farewell to filming on location in Utah.

Asher’s performance of You Girl was awesome, glad they played what seemed like the whole song. 

Like Celia, I’m also glad no one said ‘um’!

It was nice to see Celia again. I’m glad they were able to give her ample screen time this ep to somewhat make up for what she’s lost. It makes so much sense that she’d be so into puzzles. And really showcases her personality that she climbs a mountain in heels. 

This really was a nice send off for the whole Mack family. Andi gets the nuclear family she’s always wanted, Bex and Bowie get the happy ending they’ve waited 14 years for, and Celia gets to see her wayward daughter take charge of her life. 

It took until the penultimate episode but we finally met Jonah’s mom, Judy Beck née Bartholomew (Terri really does like her Biblical names). That she ended up marrying one of her background helpers is a love story for the ages. 

I’m glad they gave Jonah a happy ending and we can end the series knowing that his family is in a better place and on track to recover from bankruptcy. 

I’ll have more to say about the filler in the negatives section but I did like Buffy’s deconstructed toast line, Cyrus not being self deprecating about his strength, and Asher almost breaking character while doing his mom’s dance. 

Nice that they snuck in one more Buffy picking up Cyrus moment. Truly those two have the best friendship on this show. 

I’m almost certain that Bowie scaring Celia was a nod to Trent scaring people on set, he has a whole instagram story dedicated to him spooking his co-workers. 

They brought in one of their casting directors, Steven O’Connor, to play the officiant which was a nice gesture and of course we got one last family cameo with Coco Angel playing Judy. 

Re-Shoots:

Bringing in this section since most of this ep were re-shoots. I’m not going to nit pick the plot holes that arose because of them: like how did Jonah learn You Girl without Bowie teaching him, how did he write the extended version, how Jonah and Cyrus and Buffy got to the Gazebo, why Cyrus and Buffy were dressed as waiters and didn’t actually do any waitering. Obviously whatever the original Gazebo event was would have had differences and production had limited time and budget to turn it into a new wedding as smoothly as possible. 

Not much actually happened in this ep and that was a sad side effect of the re-shoots. Scenes like the Macks in the car and the Macks hiking dragged on so long because they were easy to film fairly quickly, just like the party scenes in A Good Hair Day were quite long. 

I’m actually glad that they didn’t bother giving a reason for Bex suddenly deciding to get married. I don’t think it would have made all that much sense in otl anyway but without Ham I don’t think they could have come up with a good enough justification. At least with Ham it would have made some sense that he could have mended the rifts between Bex and Bowie and Bex and Celia since he was always the peacemaker and reasonable authority figure as well as a surrogate father and best man for Bowie. 

It seems that every story line except for Tyrus was damaged in some way by the cuts and re-shoots but definitely Celia suffered the most, which is such a shame.

Negatives:

I can’t believe the show decided to waste precious time on a toast making competition in the second to last ep of the entire series. It might have been fine in 3a but to have that filler for a cold open so late in the game is awful.

I gasped when Judy asked Jonah if she could finally meet his friends. He’s been friends with the GHC for like 14 months at this point and they still know nothing about his family? They’ve always kept Jonah apart from the GHC in a lot of ways which hasn’t been to the show’s credit. And while I’m glad that we finally met Jonah’s mom, it shouldn’t have taken this long. 

I’m not surprised but I was disappointed that we never heard that Jonah told his parents about his panic attacks. I get that in America’s horrifying healthcare system that they probably wouldn’t have been able to afford treatment but at least if they knew they could support him and try to help.

Looking Ahead:

Terri must love Winnie the Pooh if she’s having Cyrus quote him as shown in the most recent finale promo. The way Disney cuts the quote with clips from the ep is very clever: we have Tyrus being brave enough to confess their feelings, Muffy strong enough to be vulnerable and get together, and Jandi smart enough to know that now is not a good time for them go get back together. 

Looks like Terri was able to get ample screen time for TJ and Marty so Tyrus and Muffy won’t feel rushed. 

Very glad that Cyrus is the one who approaches TJ at the bench. I’m very interested to see how we go from delusion to confession on Cyrus’ part. Certainly they look happy when Cyrus asks if he can sit and Cyrus is obviously there because he wants to confess.

I assume the bench scene will come late in the ep. Cyrus seeing TJ talk to Kira must be what causes him to feel like he was deluding himself but what spurs him to decide it’s worth the risk to confess to TJ I don’t know. If the music performance is after Kira’s appearance than maybe Cyrus is feeling forlorn and then TJ appears to perform with him, in a way making up for costume day, and that gives Cyrus hope. Or if the performance is before Kira than maybe it’s what gets Cyrus’ hopes up only to have them crushed before someone or something gives him hope. Regardless of which scene is when, I do think that Cyrus and Buffy both give each other the final push to go seek out TJ and Marty and lay it all on the line. 

I’m trying to keep my expectations low since it’s still Disney but I do think we get hand holding based on their bench scene positioning and the fact that Ciris got to hold hands. I think it’s likely they’ll use the word boyfriend and I do think they have some brief post canon scene inside before the party clears out and that’s likely where Tyrus and Muffy have an interaction. I would also like Andi at least to congratulate them but I’m not holding my breath. Having TJ use the word gay would be amazing but seems unlikely and Luke will be able to confirm it on social media anyways. Having Cyrus compliment TJ’s outfit and say it brings out his eyes would be a nice little moment if Terri could swing it. Josh has heavily hinted that we’d see some pay off to Cyrus calling TJ oblivious back in 3x07 and it would be great if we could see Cyrus using a mashup name for him and TJ like was able to with Iris. 

Nice to see them make use of Luke’s piano skills and that means we’ll learn something new about TJ as well as learning his name and of course for most of the audience, the reveal that TJ is gay and likes Cyrus. 

Seems like Cyrus, TJ, Buffy, Bex, Bowie, Amber, Jonah, and Andi are involved in the song, not sure where Marty is. Buffy compliments Marty and says he was funny and I wonder if he did some solo performance beforehand or after. 

If they sing the theme song that’s cheesy af but I can’t see what else they’d have the rights to. 

Muffy confession is outside which makes sense since they’d want some privacy for the Muffy kiss. Very smart to have them canon in the place they first met and once again I’m so glad they got Marty back, a Wuffy endgame just wouldn’t have been anywhere near as good. 

I think the scene of Cyrus and Buffy standing inside in their jackets watching Bex and Bowie dance in their dress and tux is likely after they come in from confessing to their boyfriends and near the very end of the ep. I think Andi showing the mains that she’s cleared out Andi Shack because she got into SAVA is probably at the very end and one of the last scenes.  I don’t know if the show is gonna pretend she’s starting at SAVA immediately because the finale is in December and she would’t be starting high school for 9 months which takes away a lot of the emotional impact of her moving. Or maybe she gets to start early or has to transfer to some new art middle school to finish up 8th grade in order to beef up her skills before starting at SAVA. 

No sign of Kira in any of the promo clips and TJ arrives at the party alone which fits with her appearance meant to be a surprise twist as well as brief since Raquel was only on set for one day and that was the day all the other main and recurring kids were on set and her screen time comes out of TJ’s screen time. I think her 30-60 seconds of screen time will be by far the worst part of the finale. She’s been the most poorly written character on the show; her motvation going from trying to hurt Buffy to trying to date a guy she knows is gay and I’m sure her apology will probably introduce a new motivation, she just wanted a friend or some crap like that. On the plus side it doesn’t look like she sticks around so we don’t have to see TJ befriend her for no justifiable reason though I do think that ‘’sometimes there’s a nice person inside trying to get out’’ line is said to her by TJ or about her by TJ which is awful. I do think that she encourages TJ to talk to or hang out with Cyrus or something and that begins the ‘redemption’ we’ll luckily never have to see. 

We’ll see such growth on Amber’s part from her behaviour at the first party to now.

Jonah gives Andi the bracelet maybe? I don’t think they canon but I do think they leave the door open to get back together in the future. 

I wonder if Celia is coming back to Shadyside or if she’s leaving for good and I wonder if we’ll get a hint for a Bexie baby.

I’ve been hard on Terri but I do trust that the vast majority of the finale will be great and that she got the best ending possible for the show and I’m glad she fought as hard as I’m sure she did for the wonderful Tyrus ending we’re getting. 

It’s going to be bittersweet getting that payoff while also saying goodbye to the show but at least with the longer length we’ll get to see pretty much all of what they filmed. 

We’re on the cusp of watching history being made as Tyrus becomes the first gay couple on Disney Channel. With that in mind, I’d like to remind everyone that Tyrus week starts Monday July 22nd at 4pm eastern standard time and I hope everyone reading this will participate in whatever way they can so we can get Tyrus to number 1 on fandometrics. 

Can’t believe I only have one more review to write. It’s gonna be a great week and a great ep and I can’t wait for us all to see it!

Kylee Goes to the Star Trek Convention. Here’s what happened. (Part 1)

(Ok, sorry about the title. I miss being a journalist sometimes. Only sometimes.)

GUYS I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START. Everyone told me that the con high would go away, and I’d be so sad the week after, but I feel like I’m maybe still on the high? It was just such a good and wholesome experience. I’ll try to break it down.

An important thing, I guess, to point out first and foremost was that Jonathan Frakes couldn’t come (got stuck at work and there were no flights going out, supposedly). So this upset a lot of people because it was advertised as the only time the TNG cast was going to be together all of 2017 (their 30th anniversary year). But this didn’t mean anything for me because I was there to meet my space moms, grandmas, and aunts! <3

So for a little background, I love Star Trek, and I love DS9 the most, but I watched TNG for the first time a couple years ago and liked it well enough. And then I watched it over the past few months during my layoff (and visa troubles). It was kind of this happy family place I could come home to. And also these actors are getting old! So I thought it would be best to go see them while I (reasonablyish) had the funds during a milestone? Also the TNG cast is fucking funny together, and I wanted to see that alone.

Wednesday

(So I only went to three days of the five-day con because that was cheaper , and also I have a cousin who lives in Las Vegas who I really don’t see often, and I see her daughter even less often, so we were squeezing in family time too - and I like never slept, and I made up for all of it yesterday by sleeping THE WHOLE DAMN DAY NOT EVEN SORRY.)

So they’d halted ticket sales online before I got there, so this was only a little stressful (I hadn’t heard of them running out of tickets before, and they were pretty much up for grabs once the actual con started on Wednesday). So I got there at 7:30am and was like I NEED TO BUY TICKETS FOR ALL OF THESE DAYS, etc. And the TNG reunion panel was set for Friday night and was an additional cost...whatever, cons are super capitalistic, and that’s like, the language of the US right? (I was also very happy to be home. Jury’s still out on the home thing, but I think I will always consider the US my home. Specific place? Not decided yet.) But I got everything, which was the most important.

Cool Stuff!

The Gaaays in Spaaace panel (literally how it was spelled), which is like this set of Trek parties thrown across the country with different ST actors showing up to them. So their party was on Friday (I went!), and Nana was the featured guest for both the party and the panel, which was really cool, because everyone was bringing up everything from the kisses on DS9 to polyamory, and we were discussing it like it was breakfast food.

Nana told a story about how when she used to be a dancer on Broadway, all the men she was in a production in once died because of the AIDS epidemic.

Kinsey scale brought up in relationship to DS9 characters, and basically they didn’t say that Kira/Dax wasn’t a thing, so like...that was kind of cool lol.

I won a rainbow tribble for answering trivia about same-sex kisses on DS9!!! I WILL KEEP IT FOREVER.

I stopped by the Gaaays in Spaaace table later and asked about a plethora of other relationships, and one of the dudes was like, “I’m sorry Gates girl, but Sub Rosa was the best episode because of the hair. The wigs in that episode were on point.” And then we had a long conversation about TNG hair, and it gave me life. (Don’t read me wrong - Sub Rosa is terrible, but the hair in that episode was fucking great, rivaled only MAYBE by All Good Things hair and Troi’s in Parallels.)

Also said by this guy: “I can’t believe they used a season 1 shot of Dr. Crusher on the con program. Like, really? Really, girl?”

I FUCKING LOVE THE INTERSECTION OF STAR TREK AND GAY OK.

I was too late (because I didn’t even know if Singapore would let me leave the country until like 5 days before I flew) to get tickets for Nana’s autographs, but I got a picture with her, and she was so cool! I tried to quickly tell her that she was my favorite, and it worked out pretty well.

AND THEN I TOOK PICS WITH NICHELLE NICHOLS AND MY RAINBOW TRIBBLE. I didn’t know then that the smart thing to do was to bring back the pics to be signed by them, so I had her sign my program. She was wearing a ST necklace and a little Uhura pin. So wonderful. So obviously I couldn’t say anything of substance because I was freaking out, but she told me that my name’s pretty close to her son’s name, so obviously I was over the moon for the rest of the day.

Nichelle crashed Mae Jemison’s session, which was really interesting. She discussed the 100 Year Starship project. This led to a really important moment when Mae told the audience, “If you’re looking for someone to give you permission to be in the room, I’m giving it to you.” She then turns to Nichelle and says, “You did that. You gave me permission to be in the room.”

I cried. The lady sitting a row behind me cried. The lady sitting three seats down from me was crying.

And then I got very emotional and Facebook-messaged my 6th/7th grade science teacher (who, btw, is the reason I possess the Greatest Real Life Love Story I’ve Ever Heard - a story for another day) and was like THANK YOU FOR BEING SO EXCITED ABOUT SPACE BECAUSE I AM WATCHING MAE JEMISON SPEAK AND I AM SO EXCITED AND ONE OF THE REASONS I’M EVEN HERE IS BECAUSE OF YOU.

She literally offered me a job doing research for her husband (who works for NASA). Oh my god. And she knew exactly what Mae was talking about because she’d just seen her speak at another event. I had such good science teachers.

I told this story to a lady in line behind me for a photo op, and she started crying because she had quit her banking job to become a teacher, and I was like, “Ok, but remember that scene in TNG - like one of those times Wesley saves the ship - and Picard says they should thank his science teacher? That’s you!”

She’d moved from Idaho to Nevada because the school system she was in in Idaho had cut math and science from the curriculum. :(

I did leave before any of the karaoke stuff so that I could go hang with my family though!

Oh and I was wearing glitter the whole day, and Nichelle and Nana both told me it was nice, and Nichelle complimented my hair color (I’d had it red). So lovely. I didn’t have time for a costume but wore red in both their honor.

I shook Daniel Davis’ hand but didn’t have fucking cash on me (still hadn’t changed my Singapore dollars and didn’t want the crazy ATM charges from Not My Bank), so I couldn’t get a pic. But he was so nice. And we chatted a bit about The Nanny, because that’s really where I knew him from first? Hahaha. He stayed the whole con and mentioned wanting to be able to meet the producers from his episode so he could thank them. Class act.

Half-DS9 panel! Terry, who wasn’t supposed to appear until the other DS9 half panel on Sunday, crashed it. Nana screamed, “Oh my god!” and flung herself across stage to hug her.

Ira Steven Behr basically coming out and saying that we’re never going to get to Roddenberry’s vision and that DS9 was as good as it was going to get.

Rene had crashed Nana’s Gaaays in Spaaace panel that morning and really hadn’t known how to answer a question about Odo and asexuality. He took time to clarify during the panel - he’s not against Odo being asexual - he was not familiar with the term but basically agreed. He didn’t want it to come across that he was negating that identity.

Ok, going to do another post later because this is going to be hella long, I think.

My first ever request, hope it's what you wanted! The Walking Dead had been so much fun to work on, but you wanted to expand your acting profile, so had put in for the part of Belle in the live action Beauty and the Beast. You could fit in the schedule around your filming for the show and it was perfect. A couple of readings had been done alongside Dan who was playing Beast and you'd spent some time together outside of your run throughs as well. Norman had noticed you spending more time away from set and felt a small pang of jealousy, although he was with someone. Unfortunately that someone did not like you one bit, and everyone was very aware of this. You'd been close to Norman since starting filming, and when he started this relationship, his new squeeze made sure to push you out first. As Norman didn't seem to put up a fight about it, you felt he didn't really care about you. It was upsetting, and this is what had inspired you to try something different and get away from the negativity. It was the last day of filming on TWD set, and you were excited about taking a break from zombies and dressing up like a princess for once. You said goodbye to everyone, but Norman was nowhere to be seen. Heading out to your car, you see his bike parked up next to it, him leaning on it. "Hey, just wanted to say good luck and all that," he shrugs nonchalantly. "Cheers Norman, erm, did you-" "One sec," he says, answering his ringing phone. "Hey babe, yeah just coming. No, she's gone already, chill out." You stood there in shock as she must have asked about you and if he was with you. Charming! "Okay, see you soon," he finishes. "Sorry, what were you saying?" "Oh, nothing, don't worry. You'd better get home. Bye Norm," you say flatly as you get into your car and speed off. Dan had come to keep you company on your last few days to rehearse your lines and when you got back to the cabin you stayed at while in Georgia, he was sitting on the sofa watching telly. You walked in with small tears welling up in your eyes. He looked up to greet you and noticed the sad look on your face. "(Y/N), what's wrong?" He asks, getting up and walking round to hold you. You two seemed to have instantly clicked when you started working together, and you both had developed deep feelings over the short space of time. "Nothing, in fine, just saying goodbye to everyone never gets any easier," you smiled up at him through the tears. "I'm going to get a shower ready for our flight tomorrow." Whilst washing your hair you let your emotions flow and cry it all out. You knew Norman didn't feel anything for you now, so this was a new beginning. The next day you fly out to your new filming location with Dan and settle into your hotel room. His is next door and at the end of each day you have dinner together to wind down. A few weeks in he takes you out to a very posh restaurant and you chat over dinner. "So, spoken to any of your other cast mates recently?" He asks, making small talk. "A couple, but most are spending time with family and partners," you reply. He laughs nervously and you look at him confused, "something funny Dan?" You ask playfully. "No! No, I didn't mean to- no! Erm, (Y/N), tell me if I'm overstepping a line here, but er, I like you. A lot," he stutters. "Oh. I see," you whisper, looking shocked. "Well, I guess that's pretty lucky because I like you too. A lot," you smile. "You do? Oh my god I was so nervous to say that. I didn't want to ruin the professional side of things, but my goodness I've fallen for you so bad." He rambles. "I know, same! I'm so glad you said it before I did!" You laugh. As his hand reaches out for tours across the table, you notice paparazzi outside taking photos. He looks around and catches them too. "Come on, lets get out of here," he says, leaving money on the table and leading you out. As you walk to his car, the photographers surround you, but you soon drive off back to the hotel. You get back to his room and spend the evening chatting until you both fall asleep on the sofa. You wake up to your phone buzzing like mad. Staring at the screen trying to focus your tired eyes you make out a screenshot of a gossip website. There's a photo of you and Dan entering the hotel together holding hands with the headline 'Dan Stevens and (Y/N) (Y/L/N) in late night hotel hook up!' "Oh my god," you whisper, trying not to wake Dan sitting next to you. You run into the bathroom and go through your messages. One from your parents, a few from friends, and 5 from Norman. You opened his first and read them: 'really, so soon?' 'I didn't mean it, sorry' 'call me (Y/N), please' 'talk to me' 'I'm calling you tomorrow morning' "Shit!" You say aloud. Why did he care anyway? What the hell was it to do with him? Whilst you'd been away Norman had felt like a piece of him was missing and when his girlfriend had showed him these pictures something inside of him snapped. It was almost time for you both to head back to Georgia, and he'd already decided on what he was going to do. Suddenly the phone in your hand started vibrating. 'Norm 🖤' appears on the screen. You sit there for a second and try to calm yourself down. "Hello?" You answer nervously, trying to keep your voice quiet. "Hey. It's so good to hear your voice. How you doing?" Norman asks. "Yeah, good, and you?" "Good, yeah. What's up with the paps?" "It's nothing, we're staying in the same hotel, that's all. Mountain out of a mole hill kinda thing." "You sure?" "Yeah. Why?" "Nothing, doesn't matter." "Yes it does. Please tell me." Then you hear her voice in the background. "Sorry, gotta go. Love you." He whispers the last two words and hangs up. "What the fuck?!" You shout at the phone. "(Y/N)? You okay in there?" Dan knocks on the bathroom door, you open it and run out back to your room. This was so confusing, why didn't Norman say something sooner? He knew how you felt him, and now all this with Dan. You only had a week left of filming with him then it was back to Georgia, and right now you just wanted to go back home to England. The last week flew by and you'd mostly avoided Dan in between takes. You spoke on the last day about everything, and his next job was in Australia, so you decided to stay friends and chat when you can. "I'll never forget the time we spent together you know," he said kissing your forehead. "I won't either. Thank you for everything," you sighed, wrapping your arms around him. You flew back to Georgia and settled back into your cabin. You were in the shower when you heard a knock on the front door. You quickly got out, wrapped your hair in a towel, threw on your pyjamas and ran to answer it. Norman was standing there, sunglasses on, flowers in hand. "Thought you said you were coming back today. Glad I was right otherwise these flowers would be useless," he grinned. "Right, hi," you stammer. "Can I come in?" "Sure," you say, gesturing for him to enter, then shutting the door. He sits down on the sofa and looks over to you, waiting for you to join him. You don't know what to do, so point to the towel on your head and say "you interrupted my shower." "Wow, I'm so sorry. Should I leave?" He laughs. "It's okay, you can stay, but I'm just gonna go sort my hair out," you say, running up the stairs. When you come down he's just finished putting the flowers in a vase and sets them on the table in front of the window. "Why did you say what you did at the end of our last phone call?" You blurted out. "Ah, yeah, about that, erm-" "You didn't mean it did you?" "I did, I mean, I do. I really do mean it (Y/N). Seeing those photos of you and Dan, it got to me. I ended things and now I'm here because I've wasted too much time already." "Why didn't you say anything sooner?" "I didn't know how. You were going away to film and I was stuck here. I didn't want to make things worse and tell you before you left. What were you going to tell me in the parking lot before you went?" "Right. I can't remember now, it was a while ago and a lot's happened since then hasn't it." "I don't believe you." "Fine! I was going to ask if you wanted to get dinner." He looked down at his feet, a wave of guilt and regret washing over him as he thought back to the phone call and how he cut you off so quickly. In a flash he's standing right in front of you and takes your hands in his. "I love you, always have, always will do. I'm so sorry I didn't tell you sooner." "I love you too Norman. Can we go back to how it used to be?" "Of course, except this time we'll be a couple." "Wait. You think because I love you I want to be with you?" You joke. "Well I was hoping for that outcome to be honest," he jokes back. "I suppose it wouldn't be such a bad thing," you wink up at him. He leans down and kisses you, hands travelling to the back of your head to deepen the kiss. "I've been waiting for that for so long," he whispers against your lips. "Me too," you sigh.