#retail therapy is both a gift and a curse
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YES I should be saving money YES I just bought a Cackle's Academy enamel pin YES I'm contemplating getting another one because I bought it in red when I really wanted a purple one because the purple house is objectively the best house NO I will not buy another pin specifically so I can have a purple one even though I have it in my basket YES that's still a really difficult choice for me and a huge excerise in restraint
#me#personal#retail therapy is both a gift and a curse#i dont even like pins#thats a lie i love a good pin#the worst witch#also so this is happening because tww 2017 recently popped up in my recommended on netflix and i figured why not#but like.... its not as good as the 1998 one#its not bats#im sorry to say it#anyway the cackles academy school song has been stuck in my head all day
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Forgetful Memories
Word count; 7,318
Fandom; Monsta X
Pairing; Son Hyunwoo X Reader (Sunyoung) Lee Minhyuk X Reader.
Characters; Son Hyunwoo, Lee Minhyuk, Lee Hoseok, Yoo Kihyun, Chae Hyungwon, Lee Jooheon & IM Changkyun
Warning; Angst, Jealousy, Slight Domestic Violence, Slight Cheating, Slight Suicidal thoughts, Manipulation, Supernatural powers & Sex.
Notes; Happy Birthday Hyunwoo ❤️😘
“But it hurts,” Hyungwon whined pleading with his friend Hyunwoo. “I don’t think you understand what your asking for,” he reply’s patting his friends shoulder. “I do, I know your skills, your power,” Hyungwon whispers eyes widened. “Once they are gone I can’t get them back. Not even if I wanted to,” Hyunwoo said sternly. Hyungwon knew the elder hated using the gift he somehow was thrown upon. All he remembered was waking in the dark underground derelict tunnels of Seoul. Kihyun had found him scared lost alone and his memory’s wiped. The younger had revealed that he somehow had great powers to remove memory’s. Teaching him how to safely remove them for good purposes especially ones that healed broken hearts. “But I don’t know how long I can continue to live with this pain,” Hyungwon said looking pained. “You said a few months and it’s been that now. She’s all I can think of, breathe even,” he added with tears slipping down his face. “Fine,” Hyunwoo relented sitting up as he breathed in deeply. Helping friends when he wasn’t sure losing memory’s including good times was a positive thing. “You know,”, “their is risks I could lose other memory’s,”,”I know,” Hyungwon said desperately cutting him off. “Let me prep,” Hyunwoo said standing to his feet.
Dipping his fingers in to the Frankincense oil, Hyunwoo sprinkles it over Hyungwon. The settling music to relax both their mind settles them both. Another coating of the aroma, the chants fill the air as he press both index fingers to his friends Temple. Rushed memory’s fills his mind, heart warming of love when they first met. The happiness and joy during their time together, before the pain of the break up. Feeling the vibration of pain attack Hyungwon’s body, Hyunwoo focuses on sucking every one out till the last. The pain and anger of the situation befallen him. Images of the room being thrown in fits of rage was horrible to view. It was one of the reasons he hated doing this for people he cared about. Gritting his teeth he abstracted the final memory of his friends pain. Imagining his violet aura he helped to plunge happiness into the cracks of the missing memory. Absorbing the emptiness and confusion that would have occurred. Panting he stepped back as he looked at the relaxed features on the younger’s face. Wobbling slightly he leaned on the wall, Hyungwon’s pain still cursing through him. “You ok?” Hyungwon said with concern. “You not well?” He asked as his hands fell to Hyunwoo’s shoulders. “Tired, long day at work,” he replied being relieved it seemingly was successful. “What was we talking about?” Hyungwon looked at his friend confused. “You was telling me about your work friends wedding that’s coming up,” Hyunwoo slipped out remembering his plus one invite that brought his woes to you. “Ahh yes so it’s clear I need more clothing brought in. Fancy a bit of retail therapy,” he asked bending for a sip of water.
Before Hyunwoo could respond the door opened as their friend Minhyuk arrived, gift in arms. “Happy birthday Hyung,” he said throwing his arm tenderly around Hyunwoo. “Thanks,” he replied bashfully as Hyungwon’s eyes widened in horror. “Hyung I’m so sorry I completely forgot,” Hyungwon leapt up off the sofa, wobbling that Hyunwoo realised he hadn’t fully recovered from his memory alteration. Minhyuk rushed to his side with concern. It was like he knew automatically as he tilted towards the elder. “You ok? you seem like your a little unwell,” He said letting his hands brush along Hyungwon’s forehead. “I’m fine, I think maybe it’s because I haven’t eaten,” Hyungwon said as he forced himself out Minhyuk’s hold. “I will be fine after I’ve eaten something I’m sure,” Hyungwon said as Minhyuk’s eyes brushed Hyunwoo’s sheepish ones. “Call me for that shopping date,” Hyungwon said walking off a little light stepped then normal.
“You took his memory’s of her away didn’t you?” Minhyuk snapped as soon as the door shut. “Minhyuk please,” Hyunwoo said as he walked to the kitchen in the hope liquor would calm his friend a little. “You swore you wouldn’t do that to a friend,” Minhyuk growled following behind. “He was in pain what did you want me to do?” Hyunwoo snapped as he reached for the whisky. “There is a third person in this or do you never care for the person wiped from their mind,” Minhyuk said with pain in his face. “Look, Hyungwon has been harassing me for months. He needed this now, their was plenty of time for a reunion. It just didn’t happen because he’s clearly meant for someone else,” Hyunwoo said filling the glasses. “But those memories she might have cherished,” Minhyuk said much more calmer. “If you was in his mind and saw the pain he was in you wouldn’t have cared for her memory’s,” he said with haunted eyes as Minhyuk breathed in deeply. “He was slowly losing himself, his depression was crippling him,” Hyunwoo said with fear that made a shiver fall upon Minhyuk. “But how are you feeling?” Minhyuk said seemingly given up his fight. “Exhausted like i always am,” Hyunwoo replied passing his friend his drink? “That’s why I got you this,” Minhyuk said passing the gift in his hand to him. “You really didn’t need to,” Hyunwoo said as he started peeling the paper off. “You won’t say that once you’ve opened,” Minhyuk said with excitement. Hyunwoo looked puzzled when he found the brown metal band ring. It looked like costume jewellery from an medieval fancy dress costume. “I saw Kihyun I told him you was exhausted after your sessions. He past me two of these, it means you get strength from me when your weakened,” Minhyuk said smiling as Hyunwoo felt gratitude towards him. “Wow that’s really thoughtful, thanks,” he said as he placed the ring on. Minhyuk showed him his version of the ring. With the twiddling of his fingers Hyunwoo felt a warm rush of energy charge at you. “Wow I felt that,” he said Before looking to his friend concerned. “How do you feel?” Hyunwoo questioned as Minhyuk smiled his way. “Nothing I don’t feel anything. You sure it’s working?” Minhyuk said before looking back to his fingers. “So you don’t feel weakened from passing me your strength?” Hyunwoo said holding on to Minhyuk’s hands lost in the excitement. Sessions of his mind alterations had weakened Hyunwoo each time. The thoughts that he didn’t have to suffer alone brought so much peace.
Moments like this had made him grateful that Kihyun had allowed Minhyuk to be aware of his powers. It meant that their was some one he could confide in, but also that could help when he felt weakened by his powers.
“Please Hyung,” the concerned voice of his friend filled the air as Hyunwoo’s hands fell to his thighs as he closed his eyes to his dilemma. “You was the one who told me to always think of your friends and who they could be removing. What has changed?” Hyunwoo said opening his eyes in the hope to change his friends mind. “She’s in pain hyung, I can’t bare it,” he said with sorrowful eyes. “Minhyuk you know the complications, you have always been against them even when I’ve been the one who couldn’t bare it. Look at Hyungwon just last month,” He said in hope to convince him to drop his pleas. “He abused her, it wouldn’t even be safe to go back,” Minhyuk said with fear. “That makes it worse, how is she to remember the danger she could walk back into,” Hyunwoo said standing to his feet. “Her memory is what keeps her forgiving him. The love she shares it’s like she prays she can change him. He’s going to kill her eventually if she keeps going back,” Minhyuk said with shaky breath. “If you can remove the memory’s, that love…. I will keep an eye on her make sure she doesn’t return back to him,” Minhyuk pleaded. “Your in love with her aren’t you?” Hyunwoo asked, not too sure why his throat burned with those words. “No, I just want to keep her safe I swear,” he replied standing to take his elders hand in his. Minhyuk’s eyes fell into his and Hyunwoo breathed almost in pain at the turmoil he faced. “Fine let me meet her first, I want to analyse everything,” Hyunwoo said with an uneasy feeling. “Hyung but you,” , “have to be discrete I know, I’m not a fool Lee Minhyuk,” Hyunwoo said turning his back on his friend. His mind crusading an attack of fearful consequences he couldn’t explain.
“What if he doesn’t like me?” Sunyoung said with worry as her close friend dragged her towards Hyunwoo’s home. “Babe trust me, he will love you,” Minhyuk said brushing his hands along the straying hair in her eyes. “He’s gently approachable, and you, your amazing,” Minhyuk said as his fingers dragged along her jawline as she smiled her beautiful cat shaped eyes his way. “I forgot I got you a gift,” he said passing her a small box. “What is this Minhyuk,” she said with anticipation. “It’s just something I saw that made me think of you,” he replied as his hands fell to her shoulder. Opening a beautiful Purple Lotus flower broach, it dazzled from the sunlight. “Wow it’s really beautiful,” she said looking between her gift and Minhyuk’s happy eyes. “You are the sweetest,” she added as she leaned up on her toes to place a single kiss on his cheek. “When I saw this I thought how beautiful it would compliment you,” he said taking it from the box. His fingers delicately touching the flower shapes. Stumbling slightly she looked at him with concern. “Baby,” she squealed with worry as she held his arms. “Just it’s such a hot day,” he gasped slightly as she looked to the sun. “Well let’s get out this heat,” Sunyoung smiled. “I haven’t fixed this yet,” Minhyuk said shaking himself off. Piercing the broach into her top, he smiled at her as his fingers raked over it once more. “Aargh,” Sunyoung cried as she dropped her drink, her hands falling to her head. “Sunyoung,” Minhyuk cried out as he threw his arms around her. “What’s up?” He asked with concern as she looked slightly dazed. “Baby?“ he called with his hands cupping her face to look at him. “I don’t know, I don’t think I feel so great you know,” she said looking up at him with sorrow in her eyes. “Let’s get you upstairs, he will be able to help I’m sure,” Minhyuk whispered reassuringly. Looking at his dark calming eyes she nodded before taking his hand to make their way up.
Sunyoung was timid, Hyunwoo could see the tale signs of her abuse. The refusal of eye contact. She seem wary and almost a stench of confusion attacked him. He was feeling all sorts of emotions from her that it was unsettling. Finally understanding why Minhyuk had come despite his feeling of Hyunwoo’s talent he agreed. She didn’t take much persuasion believing that Hyunwoo could use meditation to make her feel stronger. Minhyuk sat opposite them, his anxiety filling the air making Hyunwoo more uncomfortable. “Can you leave us be for a while please. I can feel your concern from here it’s distressing,” Hyunwoo demanded as Minhyuk reluctantly agreed . “It’s ok, your safe,” Hyunwoo says to calm Sunyoung from Minhyuk’s removal. Nodding she relaxed back into the chair as Hyunwoo’s eyes find the broach. Was this a romantic gesture? Was it brought from her former lover? Why did he feel so very unsettled around the object? Shaking his head to dislodge the interrupting emotions he was currently feeling. His fingers dipped into the frankincense. Setting the session up as usual before pressing his fingers to her temple.
A smell of darkness abrupted his nose as he felt suffocated by the intoxicating atmosphere. His body feeling the punches from her former lover. Choking as he struggled under the overwhelming trauma she had experienced. Fighting for the light to bring her peace was hard. Each time he tried to bring it over them both a flash of darkness would attack. Whimpering as she also struggled, fear fell upon Hyunwoo as he fought under the pressure. “Hyung,” you heard from the corner of the room the sound of your worried friend. “Let me help please,” he pleaded rushing towards his elder having re-entered the room. “What do I do?” Minhyuk’s said, his shakey hand over lapping Hyunwoo’s. “Imagine a violet light,” Hyunwoo whimpered as his eyes opened slightly to see Minhyuk obey. Having him by his side seemed to have done the trick, the violent shine fighting easier against the darkness. However, as it finally shone around you, it was like the power was overwhelming, throwing you back. Hitting your head on the Floor by the impact, your eyes briefly saw the same for the others as your eyes shut. What had you done? Had it gone wrong?
Waking up to Changkyun shaking him as he looks relieved from Hyunwoo opening his eyes. “Thank god your ok,” he said stepping back. “What happened?” Hyunwoo spluttered as he sat up to view Jooheon over Minhyuk and Hoseok gently attempting to wake Sunyoung. “We was hoping you could tell us,” Jooheon said as he shook Minhyuk’s unconscious body. “We got a message from Minhyuk telling us to hurry here,” Hoseok said as he seemed to have given up waking Sunyoung. “They’re breathing though,” Jooheon said as Changkyun held his hand to the elder. Standing wearily Hyunwoo took himself to check on the young lady. Fingers falling to her pulse he sighed a breath relief to feel it beating beneath his tips. “I told you they both are breathing, but they look like something knocked them out,” Jooheon spluttered. “The ambulance will be here soon,” Hoseok said reassuringly. Hyunwoo hands fell to Sunyoung’s chest as he shook her knocking the broach that scratched his skin. Yelping he looked to the small bleeding cut as he felt wearily once more. Breathing hard he felt suffocation attack again. But instead of Sunyoung’s memories they was his own.
His eyes falling to her in university, heart racing every time she spoke to him.
Words of arranging their first date, the nerves attacking till they eased of her acceptance.
The warmth in his hand when his hands met hers the first time.
Hyunwoo’s hands fell to his heart as if he was struggling to breathe. “Hyung,” Changkyun cried as his hands rested on his shoulder concerned.
“I love you Sunyoung,” slipped from Hyunwoo’s lips as she was standing outside the door from the date. Her head tilting with confusion as if she misheard. “I’ve loved you since I first met you,” Hyunwoo confessed as his heart beat from the smile on her face. Leaping up towards him her lips fell on his as they kissed for the first time. Though she hadn’t repeated the words back to him, he was happy she had accepted his.
Hyunwoo’s fingers fell upon his lips as he looked at Sunyoung’s sleeping face. Jooheon’s worried features in his view being almost invisible.
Working out at the gym as he struggled with his ever growing manhood when she bent down to tie her shoe laces. The wink in her eyes told him she was teasing him. He was anxious to take her virginity and had put it off. While she thought her hints wasn’t loud enough she became frustrated. “Do I have to initiate everything around here?” She said standing up to raise her beautiful eyes Hyunwoo’s way. The shape of her cat eyes captured her beauty that stole his breath. “What do you mean?” he choked as she chuckled her angelic laughter. “That maybe we should make that next move,” She said brushing her hand down his ripped body. Brushing further his hardened tent in his boxers, he let a moan escape. “What here?” He gasped shocked as he looked around the empty gym. Her deep laughter stole his attention back as she shook her head amused. “Well if you fancy it, but I meant when we get home,” she chuckled.
“I think he’s broken,” Changkyun’s voice pierced attempted to break his memory’s. The concerning voices of his friends falling back to inaudible as his mind continued to race the new memory’s he finally sought.
Door smashing into the wall from Hyunwoo’s desperate passion now he decided to let himself loose on her. Lips, tongues and teeth clashing as their hands couldn’t stop exploring each others body’s. Cradling her, he took her to the bedroom tossing her on the bed. The impact harsh as he apologised before she reassured him she was fine. Tearing each others clothing between hasty kisses that Hyunwoo almost died that second. Her pretty perky breasts standing to attention as he inwardly groaned with how much his cock was strained. Like a crazed animal devouring his prey it wasn’t long before he was between her legs. The feeling of himself being crushed by her walls was making him lose his mind. Her whimpers not helping his impatient state. “Slow down baby,” she whimpered snapping him from his hungry need. Her fingers lacing with his as her eyes hypnotised him as his movements slowed. “Hyunwoo,” she cried as he called her by her name too. “Don’t leave me,” she pleaded as he promised her as he made love to the girl he was crazy about.
“Really what the hell dude,” Hoseok spluttered as Changkyun chuckled. “He’s broken and horny,” Jooheon sniggered amused at Hyunwoo’s apparent erection. But before he could make comment the memory’s continue to flood in.
The pain of the arguments followed the feeling of falling apart. It left Hyunwoo whimpering just from the memory. He could feel the knowledge he was losing her. She had become well known and successful in her career and it felt like he was being left behind. The call of the job that she desperately wanted hit his ears. She didn’t know that he was standing in the hallway from her room. He felt wrong for earwigging, but the minute he heard her excitement he was glad. Sorrow hitting in when she heard the pain fall from knowing she had to leave Seoul. He knew she was crazy in love with him and knew she would sacrifice her career. He loved her too much to let her lose her future, her dreams. Storming the room startling her as she apologised with a promise to call them back. “Baby,” she cried looking at him as she fought to shake her emotions. “We need to talk,” Hyunwoo said hastily, but he knew if he didn’t act while his impulse desire was on fire that second, he knew he never would. “What about,” she said looking at him with the pure devoted love he knew would mess her future up with. “I’m seeing someone,” Hyunwoo inwardly cursed himself for such a horrible excuse. “What,” she said as pain laced her thoughts, horror on her expression as your heart beat so crazy. “I’m leaving you,” he said as he pinched himself, forcing the tears threatening to subside. “What?” She cries walking to him at speed as her hands fall to his collar. “Baby, why you saying this?” she cry’s as Hyunwoo’s conscience begins to struggle. “Because it’s true, you deserve better then me,” he said pushing her from him that she stumbled slightly. His hands reaching to pull her back from falling broke his heart. It was as if by touching her his resolve was faltering. The desire to be greedy to call himself out on his lie and keep her to himself was high. But he had to sacrifice the relationship they had for her career. He placed her sobbing body on the bed as he choked back a tear turning to walk away. Her overwhelming confusion tear filled face haunting him.
“Where is this bloody ambulance,” Hoseok cursed as tears began falling from Hyunwoo’s face. “Any sign of them waking yet?” Changkyun asked Jooheon who was still trying to arouse the other two from there unconscious state.
The pain of living without his beloved was overbearing. The drinks heavily trying to numb the pain he threw himself into. It had been a year and through out that whole time the pain hadn’t eased once. It was like he saw her sobbing face every single minute he closed his eyes. Dreams of the good times and nightmares of the worse, brought tears every morning he woke. Hearing that she had sought success in America was a bitter pill to swallow. She looks so healthy and happy as if she didn’t miss him one single bit. The rage in him that it was easier for her then himself made him bitter. Hyunwoo’s days was filled with bitterness and large amounts of alcohol. Friends thrown aside in fear of being close to anyone he would have to abandon again. When depression sunk him so deep that suicidal thoughts plunged his mind, he was saved. This memory was a little more fractured as he tried to dig harder. Knowing how he got his powers was something he couldn’t remember. The safe warm arms of Kihyun hitting his fragile sobbing body filled his mind. “I can save you, take your pain away,” Yoo Kihyun, Hyunwoo’s saviour said as he nodded. The feeling of his torture being taken from him was a blessing as if he was an angel sucking Hyunwoo’s soul from everything dark. But along with that went his memory’s, every single memory of Sunyoung.
Horror filled his mind, had he pushed her into the arms of her abuser while he had forgotten her. Guilt filled his conscience as he almost choked on his tears. “Let me see him,” he heard the voice of him saving him once more. “I remember,” you cried locking your eyes on Kihyun in your living room. “It’s ok,” Kihyun said throwing his hand through his hair that he closed his eyes to further more flashbacks.
“What did i do?” Hyunwoo cried out to him as he looked at the unconscious body of a helpless person. “It’s ok, somehow your powers called out to you,” Kihyun said tilting his head at his confused elder. “Huh?” Hyunwoo said in despair. “You can remove minds, it’s a error how you got this but somehow you do,” Kihyun said with his calm aura that told you to trust him.
Hyunwoo had gained his powers through him removing his memory’s. He looked up at Kihyun before his eyes fell back to Sunyoung. “Save her please,” he cried, desperate for her to be ok. “Ok,” Kihyun said standing. “Lets see if I can wake them,” he said walking towards Sunyoung. His hand feeling her pulse as he smiled. Removing her cardigan her broach flicked to the floor as she woke breathing heavily. Hyunwoo saw the clip of the broach spin as he looked up towards her. “Is she ok?” Minhyuk’s voice filled the air as you saw him fling his arms around her. Jealousy biting you in that sharp second. “She’s ok, but now the ambulance is here it won’t harm you all to be checked over,” Kihyun said looking at Hyunwoo with concern.
“What’s happening?” Hyunwoo whispered to Kihyun when the doctors had left his hospital bed. “You took the girl who’s memory’s you removed from your own. That’s a rare thing to happen so it was bound to be that nature decided to gift yours back,” he said leaning his hands onto his own thighs. “But where was my memory’s from us when I took hers? I didn’t sense them,” He questioned as Kihyun shrugged. “My guess is because they was ones stolen from yours that they couldn’t be retrieved by yourself during the process,” Kihyun said as Hyunwoo bit his lip in thought. “Why didn’t I noticed the signs, she didn’t even look fazed by my presence,” he questioned. “Again my only explanation is she fell out of love with you. Her pain from her former lover just overwhelmed yours,” he said placing a fake smile. Hyunwoo wondered if this meant did she even love him. She didn’t look like she cared moving onto her career so easily. The negativity biting him once more as he closed his eyes. “You need to let that bitterness go,” Kihyun said looking at him with concern. “How can I when each second I feel that crippling pain as if it never left,” Hyunwoo whimpered. “You numbed it by removing the memory’s. Nothing was done to relieve the pain. Seems that really is your next move,” Kihyun said as he threw his head back in despair. “I think she and Minhyuk is a thing. This couldn’t be any worse,” Hyunwoo crumbled closing his eyes. “I don’t think so, if Minhyuk was such a huge person in her life she wouldn’t have been in pain,” Kihyun said bringing Hyunwoo hope. “Wait you saying she doesn’t have feelings for him?” Hyunwoo said excited. “I’m a memory remover not a mind reader,” Kihyun scoffed as Hyunwoo huffed. “But if I had to guess, Minhyuk crushes over her, but she doesn’t feel anything because of her former lover,” he said looking Hyunwoo’s way as he frowned. “Not you the other one,” Kihyun said rolling his eyes.
Kihyun’s words mulled in Hyunwoo’s mind as he went to check on her. Relief hitting when he realised she was alone. “Sunyoung,” he called nervously. “Oh your..….. sorry I can’t seem to remember,” she said slightly distressed. “I’m a friend, a friend of yours and Minhyuk’s,” Hyunwoo exaggerated. “Oh really,” she said smiling before looking sad. “I can’t seem to remember anything, the doctors think somehow I hit my head,” she said looking down at her hands. She looked so fragile that Hyunwoo wanted to squash her with hugs. The need to feel her in his arms once more cursing through his body. “Yes you did I was there,” he said feeling guilty for manipulating her. “Hopefully it will come back soon, it will right?” she asked looking hopeful. “I’m sure it will,” he replied holding her fragile hand in his. “How close are we?” She asked looking at you with confusion. “Close friends,” Hyunwoo whispered almost slipping that she was his lover from his lips. But his lies had caused too much pain as it was in that relationship. “What can you remember?” Hyunwoo asked into the awkward silence. “Minhyuk bringing me to meet you, but I can’t remember anything after,” she said struggling as he gently squeezed her hand. “You remember Minhyuk then?” You asked as she nodded. “He’s my,” he said pausing as she looked confused. “Wait I don’t remember how I know him,” she whimpered. “It’s ok baby,” Hyunwoo choked rubbing his thumb over her hand as her long hair hit his face . The smell of her lemon shampoo hitting his nostrils. He had missed this smell of her favourite shampoo. “Do you remember your ex?” Hyunwoo asked closing his eyes. “That’s something strange I know I had a relationship I can feel it, like my memory’s locked. But I just can’t seem to see them. I’ve tried really tried,” she said looking up to him. He was sad she had not remembered their moments. But knowing that she didn’t have to think of her other ex was a blessing. The memory’s of what he witnessed flooding his own. Anger at her pain and hurt overwhelmed him. “Are you ok?” She said looking up to him with those beautiful eyes he loved so much. “Yes sorry, just in a lot of pain. I bumped my head too just I didn’t lose my memory’s,” Hyunwoo said as she smiled warmly. “I wish i could have Mine back,” she moaned. “I just remember feeling safe and secure, it’s a feeling I want back so badly,” she said leaning her head on his shoulder. The move made him smile at their close contact but at the same time feeling of anger that she would cherish her memory’s of her abuser. “There is one memory I can kind of remember,” she said as you look to her to continue. “The feeling of sand beneath my toes, crashing waves and being so in love. I see him but not his face, his crazy coloured shorts but he’s so funny I told him I loved him instead of how crazy he was,” she chuckled as Hyunwoo froze. Hyunwoo struggled to form words. She wasn’t picking her memory’s from her abuser. That was him, the first time she told him she loved him. She did hold him in her heart after all, she didn’t forget him. His heart swelled as he looked down, the chemistry buzzing between them. In that second Hyunwoo knew he needed to fight for her. It was his chance to woo her all over again.
Before Hyunwoo could speak Minhyuk walked through the door. His eyes looking confused at the close contact of them both. Hyunwoo’s sure he saw his friend fist ball, confirming to him that his feelings was more then the friendly term he made him believe. “Sunny,” he pouted as he made his way to her taking his hand from her hold. “I’ve been so worried about you?” He said as she looked at him confused. “She’s lost her memory’s remember,” Hyunwoo said looking at him for being so naive. “But you couldn’t have forgotten me right,” Minhyuk chuckled as she looked sorrowful his way. “Sunny you didn’t forget me right?” he repeated in fear pulling her free hand to his hold too. “I know theirs something or someone but my mind is just so vague. I know your Minhyuk though,” she said as he cut her off. “Baby you know it’s me right, I’m that person,” he said pouting. “Really?” She said tilting her head confused as Hyunwoo struggled to hold back a laughter at her being unsure. “How did I tell you I loved you?” She said arms folded looking suspicious. Hyunwoo copied looking his way ready to laugh when he would fail to convince her. “We was on the beach you took me there to sunbathe and mock my horrid dress sense of smugglers,” he chuckled as Hyunwoo choked. How did he know you both had met to use the story as his own. Hyunwoo was feeling anger at her being played. But then how had Minhyuk known that story. His own memory of that was erased and he had come in to his life after his memory’s had been removed.
Minhyuk had made friends with him at the local cafe he worked in. Many nights spent on his laptop researching his new talent. It was the slip of Minhyuk’s eyes that had his secret revealed to him. “Really why can’t I remember?” Sunyoung whimpered as she removed her hand from yours falling into Minhyuk. “You will do soon I’m sure it’s that fall,” he said cradling her. “What happened I can’t remember,” she said holding him that Hyunwoo closed his eyes full of jealousy. “I don’t know they said maybe there was a gas escape or something, isn’t that right Hyunwoo?” Minhyuk asked stealing his thoughts to look his friends way. Nodding he stood not bearing to see them close together any more. “You ok mate?” Minhyuk questioned concerned. “Yes just I need air,” he replied as Minhyuk raised his smile half heartedly his way.
“What’s going on?” Hyunwoo asked Kihyun, annoyed with the situation. “I don’t honestly know,” Kihyun said placing his hand on his shoulder. “Is Minhyuk playing games? That was our memory I just know it was,” Hyunwoo said in pain. “I don’t think he is, maybe something happened for your memory to be mixed up,” he said looking at him closely as if he was trying to see in to his mind. His eyes flashed to his fingers as he looked in shock. “Wait those energy rings, was you both wearing them?” Kihyun asked as Hyunwoo nodded. “He said that you gifted him them to help with energy during my sessions,” Hyunwoo said looking confused. “I did but I wonder if by Sunyoung being the girl that somehow he has some of your memory’s too? Maybe by sharing energy your sharing memories,” Kihyun said still looking at the ring. “So he is in love with her too because he has my memory’s?” Hyunwoo questioned. “That’s a big possibility,” he replied as Hyunwoo felt like screaming at how messed up the situation was. “How can I get her memory’s back?” Hyunwoo asked. “It’s really hard, very hard. Look what you’ve had to endure,” he said as Hyunwoo threw his hands down his face. “So basically me and Minhyuk have the same memory’s. We’re both in love with her and he wins her while I suffer in silence once more,” Hyunwoo cry’s out. Kihyun pats his shoulder to bring calm his way. “Look I will speak to someone who could advise me better,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “But for now go back to the hospital, spend time with her, woo her all over again,” he said pep talking his way.
Hyunwoo had done exactly that, shadowing Minhyuk and her relationship. Most the time he sat their silently just watching them. The pain of watching them together crushed him but he knew Minhyuk wasn’t to blame. But their was moments when it was just them two and every second between them both was peaceful. Every smile she made his way was what kept him from losing his mind. So when Hyunwoo got the call that Kihyun was home he rush to him.
“I have to do what?” Hyunwoo scoffed. “Look I know it’s hard but you never really wanted them anyway,” Kihyun said rolling his eyes. “Not that I couldn’t care less if i lost that ability. I didn’t even want it in the first place,” Hyunwoo scoffed. “About the kiss?” He whispered blushing. “True love’s kiss, how very Disney right,” Kihyun scoffed as Hyunwoo deadpanned his way. “True love breaks your curse,” Kihyun chuckled. “Do you really think this is funny?” Hyunwoo said sounding annoyed. “No I don’t sorry,” Kihyun apologised. “She’s in love with Minhyuk how can I have a true loves kiss when she’s in love with someone else,” Hyunwoo moaned throwing himself into the awaiting chair. “Hyunwoo, her heart knows it’s you,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “And if it isn’t?” Hyunwoo said looking vulnerable. “What other option is available?” He said as Hyunwoo closed his eyes throwing his head back knowing he was right. “Right I’m ready to lose my powers,” Hyunwoo said standing as he pulled at his tie he was wearing. “That happens when you kiss her,” Kihyun said as he looked up at him. “Everything will be back how it was, you two in love, right now one has forgotten,” Kihyun said as Hyunwoo tilted his head. “Oh how easy this is going to be,” Hyunwoo replied sarcastically.
“You can have what ever you want,” Hyunwoo said smiling his way at Sunyoung. “You know I have a boyfriend, this won’t look good,” she says smiling pretending to be concerned. Like she can feel the pull from her stolen memories, she enjoys spending time with Hyunwoo. Not even being scared to hold his hand and let him hold her when she is sad, even though they both know it is wrong. “Then why accept lunch,” Hyunwoo smirks as she chuckles knowing she’s been caught. “I enjoy your company,” she said fluttering her eye lashes. “Doesn’t that tell you something?” Hyunwoo said more forward then usual. “Woah, confident Hyunwoo’s arrived,” she chuckled noticing it too. “Seriously though, I don’t know what this is, I know we shouldn’t be doing this but I can’t stop,” she said breathing in deeply that Hyunwoo felt guilty. “It’s what ever it needs to be,” he said half heartedly. He knew that what they was doing was unfair to his friend. The memory’s in Minhyuk’s mind might be wrong, but they to him felt right. “I should be running right now,” she grumbles. “Well you better start before the heat gets unbearable,” Hyunwoo teased. “Are you flirting with your life Son Hyunwoo,” She chuckled as he nodded. “Something like that,” he said as the waiter came to take their order. Your hands taking her you smiled when she didn’t remove them as she read the order out. Just as you was about to give yours her phone rang. Minhyuk’s name flashing as they both looked at each other, guilt eating them both. “You better answer that,” Hyunwoo said losing his confidence in that sharp second. Minhyuk had asked her where she was. Flirting blurring the friendship line for something she couldn’t explain was one thing. Lying to her boyfriend was another. It wasn’t long before awkward long silence hit when Minhyuk arrived sliding beside her. The most passionate kiss between them that felt like a warning Hyunwoo’s way.
Hyunwoo had given up hope losing all his confidence as the pain of there relationship ate away at him. He had even started avoiding them both, locking himself away as he felt the pain of his loss return. Reaching for the whisky bottle he sunk his last glass as his mind swirled in drunken pain. Sunyoung’s name on his phone calling him did little to break his despair. Flipping the phone over so he didn’t have to witness another love sick call he closed his eyes.
As soon as sleep fell he was woken to the door knocking. Finding Sunyoung standing their soaking wet shivering broke his heart. “What’s up? what’s happened?” Hyunwoo said thankful that his words wasn’t slurred. “He’s left me,” she cried as pain engulfed him from her heartbreak. “What do you mean?” Hyunwoo said confused as he pulled her wet body into him. “He’s left me, he said he’s seeing someone else,” she whimpered as he closed his eyes. “Why does every person I date leave me for someone else,” she cried as his heart broke. Minhyuk had followed the same path then him. He wanted to fight him for breaking her heart, but he had no right when he made her believe he had done the same. “I thought you couldn’t remember your previous lovers?” Hyunwoo questioned her hoping some memory of him was stirring. Even if it was the negative one it was still a memory that could unlock her emotions. “It was odd, it was like déjà vu. I wish I could explain it,” she said snuggling into him. “I understand I think,” Hyunwoo said with mixed emotions. His hands played with her hair as he realised she needed to get out the wet clothes. “Let’s get you dried up,” he said going to his room. Returning he placed the towel and his spare clothes her way. “Bathroom down the corridor,” he said as she made her way down. Dialling on the phone he waited with baited breath for Minhyuk to answer but he didn’t. The urge to punch him was overwhelming. “There is no point ringing him, he left his phone behind,” Sunyoung said behind him as he looked confused her way. “He left it on the bed when he left me,” she said looking tearful again. Hyunwoo heart stung he had done exactly the same, it was like Minhyuk was re-enacting there split. “You wasn’t on the phone to a new job was you by any chance?” Hyunwoo asked awkwardly as she raised an eyebrow. “No,” she scoffed sounding insulted. “Sorry it was just, yeah don’t worry about it,” Hyunwoo said smiling his way at her. “I’m sure he will come to his senses,” Hyunwoo said opening his arms once more that she happily snuggled into. “I noticed you use the same shampoo,” she chuckled as he mirrored letting her head vibrate on his chest from the sound. “Yeah it’s a smell that I’ve come to like,” he confessed knowing the scent was his favourite thing of hers. “Minhyuk buys it all the time,” she chuckled as Hyunwoo rolled his eyes. Sharing memories was really becoming frustrating.
“Do you want a drink?” Hyunwoo said changing the subject. “Do you have any left?” She chuckled as he clicked his tongue. “I’ve always got good drinks,” he smirked as she chuckled holding him tighter. “I take that as a no?” He said pulling him around her tighter as the connection between them both felt safe and secure. “Just don’t leave me,” she whimpered as if she couldn’t keep her emotions in check. The pain in her voice told you she was struggling with emotions her memory couldn’t help. Feeling the sudden urge to push for them to be returned he placed his finger under her chin. Crashing his lips to her softly he kissed her. Her own moving slowly and passionately as her fingers grabbed to the back of his T-shirt. Hyunwoo felt as if his heart was going to combust. This was it, time to get her memory’s back, get her by his side forever and having his happy ever after, even if he lost his ability to remove memories.
Guilt wasn’t something this time Kihyun had, Hyunwoo had crossed the line when he abused Hyungwon’s mind. It made him angry and the plan set beneath him was perfect. Excitement filled him with the chance to mess with his mind and heart. He could hear footsteps coming his way and he couldn’t wait to fill in the details of Hyunwoo’s final pain. When he would realise that the kiss would do nothing, he knew his pain would engulf him once more.
“I can feel it, the confusion it’s exciting. We finally got our revenge,” Kihyun says out to his visitor who finally arrived. “What happens to her?” The voice said concerned. “I will wipe her memory’s before the confusion haunts her. She will never know she was just someone who held your memory’s,” Kihyun said turning to face the guilt ridden expression befalling him. “Trust me she won’t know, she won’t remember. He will though he will suffer for leaving you all those years back,” Kihyun said reassuringly. “I trust you,” he said not sorrowfully. “Deal is a deal I suppose, let’s remove your memory’s of him finally,” Kihyun said pouring the frankincense into a bowl. “Will it hurt like the other time,” he replied worrying. “No that was just because your memory’s was flowing between you three,” Kihyun smiled as Minhyuk took his seat. Ready to finally let go of every memory of the lover who left him behind.
To be continued ……..
Masterlist
#kpop smut#kpopidol#fiction#monsta x smut#son hyunwoo smut#lee minhyuk smut#chae hyungwon#yoo kihyun#lee hoseok#lee jooheon#im changkyun
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Captivated in Kansas City (Ch.1)
By Hypnofur
Tuesday at 11:30
Hudson Dark had performed before sold out crowds for over twenty three years. At no time during any of those performances had he in any way shape or form flubbed a word, or even misspoke. He was always so eloquent and confident. It was the root of his talent in fact. But now, as he sat across from the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, he found himself completely tongue tied
“It’s the house I live in with my parents” the man in his mid forties told the beautiful woman in front of him. “No, I don’t. I mean, they lived there, we lived there. But now we don’t…” Hudson stammered, for the first time since his teens.
Hailey was trying to look like she wasn’t embarrassed for him. She had seen this before with men. God, she had seen it too many times. She had learned how to be nice about it, but it never became not awkward. Men always became stuttering piles of jelly around her.
“Was this property your child hood home, Mr.Dark?” she asked politely, trying to throw him a lifeline.
“Well, not even. My parents purchased it about twenty years ago. My father died shortly after that, and my mother passed away about five years ago. I only lived here for a year or so after college. Then I got my own place, right away.” He said, trying desperately to make this woman think he didn’t live with his parents for any longer than what was considered normal.
“I see, well, I am sorry for your loss” Hailey said.
“It’s better that she’s dead” Hudson said, before he immediately realized how that sounded. What was wrong with him?!! This had never happened. “I mean, it was a long illness. She’s at peace now” he said, trying desperately to recover.
“Well, Brookside has seen huge growth in the property values over the last ten years.” Hailey said, getting back to business. “We’ve sold six homes in that neighborhood already this year.”
Hudson couldn’t believe she smelled so good too. What was her perfume? It was intoxicating. She was intoxicating.
Hailey was getting annoyed. He was just staring with that lovestruck puppy dog look she had seen so many times since Junior High. She prodded the conversation along “I’d love to see the house?”
Hudson pulled himself together, and arrangements were made for her to come out on the following Thursday. He shook her hand professionally and the meeting ended. By the time he walked out of the door of her Real Estate office, a plan was already forming in Hudson’s mind.
Thursday
“Fuck!” Hudson yelled to himself from inside the house. He watched as a Mercedes SL 500 pulled up his driveway. Yes, the beautiful Hailey was inside, but so was some other guy. He was driving. Hudson was fuming. He figured she would come alone. Who was this guy? Was he going to come in too? That would ruin the entire plan that Hudson had spent the last forty-eight hours carefully concocting. Then he saw the man lean over and give Hailey a kiss on the cheek before only she got out of the car. Hudson’s spirits lifted as he realized that the man was going to stay in the driveway at the very least. He was quite pleased to see the car pull away from the house at the same moment Hailey was ringing the doorbell.
Hudson’s stomach flip flopped, the plan was on!
“Hi Hailey, come on in, it’s open!” Hudson yelled. He knew she would be able to hear him through the glass storm door. The actual front door was left wide open. Hailey entered the house through the living room.
“I’ll be right with you, I’m just changing my shirt. I spilled my lunch on it” Hudson lied from behind the door the down stairs bedroom he was in.
“No problem.” Hailey answered as she looked around the house, judging the bones and envisioning how it could be remodeled and updated. “I’ve had a clumsy morning myself. I drove up on to the curb at The Filling Station Coffee. I damaged my tire. My husband had to give me a ride here. He just went to go check on the car. It’s down the road, he’ll be back in fifteen minutes or so.” She said.
Hudson cursed under his breath. That was not a lot of time. Should he abort? Maybe this whole stupid thing wasn’t meant to be.
“Are you a hypnotist?” he head Hailey ask. She had clearly seen the posters and show memorabilia that filled the house. Of course she did. She was meant to.
“I am, yes” he said, still through the door. He resolved he was going to do this. He could make it work in a shortened time frame. He just needed her to take the bait…
“This piece is beautiful, is it one of those things that musician’s keep time with?” Hailey asked, trying to make conversation as she wondered how long it was going to take this guy to change his shirt.
“Yes! Yes! Yes!” Hudson celebrated to himself. The three hours he had spent carefully lighting the metronome so that her eyes would be drawn to it had paid off. This was going to work.
“Why yes it is. It is called a metronome. That one is especially precious. It was made by the finest Belgian craftsmen. They are known for making exquisite pieces. The weight on the tip of the pendulam rod is actually encrusted with 24 carrot diamonds. That is why it sparkles like that as the metronome ticks back and forth… back and forth.
Hailey noticed he was right. Her husband’s gifts over the last few years had taught her a lot about diamonds, and she could see from the way those stones caught the light that they were at least 24 carrot.
Hudson continued speaking from the other room. “ I use it in my therapy work. The beauty of a metronome is that not only does it give the subject a motion to follow with their eyes, but the rhythmic sound of the clicks also keeps a perfect, hypnotic beat. The subjects listen to the sound of the metronome as it keeps the perfect beat. This is a special beat. A beat of sleep. The subject focuses on the metronome as it swings back and forth, back and forth. They notice the brilliant twinkle of the beautiful diamonds as the metronome swings back and forth, back and forth. They follow the swinging motion with their eyes, but don’t look away. Never look away. Listening to the beat. The beat is so powerful, because it is the same beat as sleep. Listen to the beat as you follow the swinging motion.” Hudson said to her, slowly changing the POV of his words from that of the theoretical subject, directly to Hailey. By this point, he had slowly and quietly come out of the bedroom and had silently move to the doorway of the room she was in.
He was both delighted and aroused by the sight of Hailey standing in the center of the room, completely transfixed on the swinging metronome in front of her. He could tell it was working.
“With every click of the beat, you begin to notice your eyelids getting heavier and heavier. Heavier and heavier with each click of the beat. Every time you hear the beat, your eyelids feel heavier and heavier. Very good, you are following my instructions and hearing the metronome go back and forth, back and forth. The twinkling lights of the diamond beginning to blur in between the slow blinks of your heavy eyes.”
Hudson noticed her beautiful blue eyes slowly blinking as he suggested. He knew how he wanted to pull her under, there was really only one way…
“Isn’t it pleasant… to sleep…. to sleep… deeper and deeper in sleep.” he said, copying the cadence and tone of his all time favorite movie hypnosis scene, from the “Hypnotic Eye”. In fact, this whole induction, putting her under by focusing on a hypnotic device while he was in another room inducing her was all inspired by the “Hypnotic Eye”. It had been one of Hudson’s greatest fantasies for almost 20 years, since he first found the clip on the internet.
Now he had done it, he had induced the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in the same way that Anton had done it in that movie. Her head was slumped down and she was deep in hypnotic slumber. He felt like a king. He wanted to take her right there, he had never been so hard in his life.
But of course, his victory was short lived, as he heard the Mercedes pull up in the driveway. The husband was back. Hudson held his breath for a moment, so nervous that he may come in. Much to the hypnotist’s joy, he saw the husband pull out an iphone and start checking it. It seemed he was going to be waiting in the car. That bought some time. Not as much as Hudson had originally hoped for, but enough to keep the game alive….
About ten minutes later, Hailey smiled as got into the Mercedes. She gave Henry a kiss on the cheek. “You are the cutest Uber driver in Kansas City.” She joked.
“We Uber drivers don’t accept tips, so you’ll have to buy me lunch instead” Henry quipped to his wife as he backed out of the driveway. “How was the appointment?” he asked.
“Fantastic!” Hailey said exuberantly. “The house is amazing, so much potential. The client is fantastic too. I’m so excited about this transaction!” she oozed.
That surprised Henry a bit. He knew she had been wanting to do less residential work, and more commercial/retail kind of stuff. However, he didn’t pay that weird twist much mind. He was starving, and wanted to get a table at Bella Napoli for lunch.
Thursday evening
“Hey, we don’t have anything tomorrow night, right?” Hailey asked Henry as he was brushing his teeth. She was on their bed, surfing on her laptop. They were always together in the same room when they were home at the same time. They truly enjoyed one another’s company.
“No, I don’t think so. Why?” Henry asked.
“I have a tip on a property that is potentially going to be hitting the in the Power and Light District. It’s one of the venues that hasn’t been updated in the area. It’s a comedy club. Anyway, I was thinking it might be a perfect opportunity for the right investor.”
“And who might be the right investor?” Henry said with a smile.
“Well, he’d have to be handsome…” Hailey said. “And good with wireless technology….”
Henry laughed as he looked in her eyes. God she was gorgeous. Even just sitting there on the bed, she was so beautiful. The slightest look she gave him could get him instantly hard. She noticed now was one of those times. She smiled at him and nodded, as if to say “now is a fine time”.
Henry crawled onto the bed and kissed her. She kissed him back. They both laboriously took off her panties. It wasn’t smooth or easy. He lifted up her skirt a bit, and stuck himself inside her. She gasped a bit, and he started bucking. He came within about 30 seconds.
He instantly apologized. She smiled and kissed him, telling him it “was nice”. He dismounted and laid next to her in the bed, pulling his boxers back up as she got her panties back on. Then they continued their conversation about the property and the plans to check it out on Friday night. This was very typical for the couple.
Friday night
They had a great dinner at Yardhouse, the best of the restaurants in that area. Of course, the young twenty something male waiters were completely infatuated and flustered with Hailey there. Henry and his wife were quite used to this, though it always made them uncomfortable. Hailey hated being the center of attention in a room, despite the fact that she usually was.
After the meal, they strolled around the building a bit, checking it out in detail. Hailey had a fine eye for architecture, and Henry only had eyes for her, so he was perfectly happy watching her do whatever interested her.
It was an older building, probably built in the 1930’s. It needed a tremendous amount of work, but had good bones. There were apartments on the second and third floor, and a theater that was now being used as a comedy club on the ground level. As the couple got around to the entrance, Hailey grabbed Henry’s arm.
“That’s my client!” she said excitedly as she pointed at the poster on the wall.
“Hudson the Hypnotist?” Henry asked.
“Yes, that’s him, the one from the other day in Brookside. Wow, that’s so cool. I can’t believe he is performing tonight. Let’s go watch!” she said excitedly.
Henry was a little taken aback by her sudden exuberance, but he was fine with it. The evening was free. They purchased their tickets and went inside. As they waited for the show to begin, Hailey started going on and on about how much hypnosis had always fascinated her. Henry was quite surprised to hear this, as it had never come up in conversation before, despite her new claims of a lifelong passion for it.
The show began and Hudson came out. He was a very average looking middle aged guy. Balding, slightly pudgy. He explained what hypnosis was, and how it worked. Henry noticed Hailey was on the edge of her seat during this explanation. Hudson then asked for volunteers. It was at this point that Henry became absolutely shocked. Hailey gave him a kiss on the cheek, and then left her seat, heading for the stage.
While Henry had been previously in the dark about Hailey’s interest in hypnotism, he was well aware of her disinterest in being in the spotlight. He couldn’t believe she was going up on stage. This was like her number one fear. What was going on?
Henry could hear the murmers in the crowd as Hailey was taking the stage amongst a bunch of slacker looking twenty somethings. Hudson the Hypnotist of course had his eyes glued to the gorgeous blonde as she took a seat on the stage with her brilliant smile. Henry noticed there wasn’t a hint of nervousness or self consciousness in his wife, even as the dorky guy in the Blink 182 sweatshirt next to her gawked and stared. In fact, Hudson had a hard time getting the attention of the volunteers on stage back to him. Hailey was that distractingly beautiful.
She stuck out like a sore thumb on that stage. Her clothes spoke of wealth, while the t-shirt and jeans of the rest of the volunteers spoke of the awkward years after college. For his part, Hudson knew that he had to regain control of this situation. As a very experienced performer, he knew how to do just that. The spacy, new age music played, and Hudson expertly induced his volunteers into a deep trance. Removing the two or three fakers that were easy to spot, Hudson was left with ten deeply hypnotized volunteers on stage. Not that it mattered, as the show would clearly just be about one of those ten. Most eyes were on Hailey, who was now slumped over onto Mr. Blink 182.
Hudson went through all the standard routines, making the volunteers feel like they were freezing cold, having them talk to Martians, and the whole someone farted routine. Henry was shocked to see his beautiful wife up there on stage, clearly, actually hypnotized. There is no way she would have been going along with this if she hadn’t been.
Henry’s stomach was turning. It was unnerving to see his wife in front of all these people, clearly not in control of herself. His stomach knotted a little more as Hudson asked the crowd if they want to “spice this show up”. Of course, the loud applause confirmed they wanted exactly that. That’s when the hypnotist started describing to the people on stage that they were watching a very sexy porno that was playing in the back of the room. He started saying it was the sexiest porno that they had ever seen, and that they would get so, so turned on watching it.
Henry knew for a fact that Hailey had never watched a porno. She had told him in the past that porno’s creeped her out. And sure enough, as soon as Hudson said this, Henry saw Hailey get all jittery, and try to look away from the back of the room. Hudson noticed it too, and he started saying “the film is too interesting to ignore. Even if you don’t think you want to watch it, the sounds and the visuals are just too interesting. You can’t resist checking it out..”
That was enough to get Hailey to sort of peek over with one eye. Just for a second, then she looked away again. But in another brief moment, she looked towards the screen with one eye again. Then two. Then she watched for a moment. Henry was shocked. Soon she didn’t look nervous, or creeped out by it. She had a look that Henry had never seen before. She had this incredible look of erotic interest on her face as she slowly licked her lips. Then her hand touched her neck. She squirmed a bit in her seat. Henry had never seen it before, but it was the single most beautiful, sexy site he had ever seen. He had never seen Hailey so overtly turned on, so sexual. In fact, he had never seen Hailey turned on at all…
Six years earlier
Breaking into the real estate game had certainly proven to be more difficult than Hailey had intended. In fact, as she sat there, locked in a steam room, she actually had decided to quit real estate and get a job at a retail store or something. She hadn’t realized that the steam room would lock like that. Her cell phone was getting no service for some weird reason. She was trapped until someone came into the house. The problem with that, was that her showing wasn’t for another 24 hours. She had come to the empty mansion in the hills a day early to do a dry run. Frankly, she was starting to freak out.
That’s when she heard someone in the house. It took a lot for her to decide to alert the other person to her captive presence. Being alone with some stranger in a house when her phone wasn’t working was not a safe idea. However, she was getting really scared being trapped in there. She was finding she was kind of claustrophobic. She finally yelled for a help and a man responded. She had really hoped it was a woman…
“I’m stuck in here and my cell phone isn’t working” she said through the steam room walls.
“Yeah, that’s why I am here. There is a small tower at the base of the hill that provides services to these homes. I overloaded it. I saw your car and came to alert you. I’m really very sorry.” The man said. His voice sounded kind at least.
“Do you do work on the tower?” she asked.
“Well, kind of.” He said.
Ok, she thought, I’m trapped here with a not so good cell tower repair guy. “Can you let me out?” she asked. She heard him trying the door.
He jiggled it and jiggled it, but it just wouldn’t work. “I’m sorry miss, but the door isn’t working. I could go and try to find some tools or something.” He said.
“You don’t have any with you?” she asked in almost a panic. She was really freaking out now that she knew she was really trapped in that room. The teak walls seemed to be closing in on her.
“No, not on me. Umm, I could go drive for some help?” he said. He could tell this lady was losing it.
“NO!” she blurted out. “Please don’t leave!” she heard herself say. She had never had a panic attack like this before.
“It’s ok Miss, I’ll stay with you until help arrives or they fix the tower. My name is Henry.” He said.
And so from there, they started talking. Hailey calmed down. They actually talked for hours and hours. They laughed a lot. They really hit it off. In fact, they started falling for each other.
However, there were two things that were not divulged in those hours of conversation. Hailey did not reveal that she was drop dead gorgeous, and Henry did not reveal that he sold his first wireless amplification company for 30 million dollars, and had since started building another, even more successful amplification system. (The testing of which had blown the tower).
Hailey’s beauty and Henry’s money had always been the most attractive thing about each. Both were fairly shy in their own right. Hailey had been turning down men’s advances for as long as she could remember, and Henry had only been attractive to women once they found he was rich.
But when that steam room finally got opened, and Hailey looked at Henry for the first time, he could tell she liked him for who he was. It didn’t matter to her that he was a little bit scrawny, and clearly about fifteen years older than her. She had gotten to know his kind spirit. He stayed with her, laughed with her, and helped her before he knew what she looked like. This was the first man ever that got to know her for more than just her looks. Hailey knew full well that she benefited from her unique beauty, but for the most part had always seen it more as curse.
Henry’s jaw hit the floor when he saw her. She was clearly the most beautiful woman he had ever seen in real life. Or on tv or in a movie for that matter. The locksmith that had opened the door thought so too. Henry, couldn’t believe his luck, until he looked down and saw a wedding band on her finger. His heart fell…
“It’s not real!” she said quickly as she saw him notice it. “I just wear it to keep from having guys…” she started.
“Will you have dinner with me tomorrow night?” Henry blurted out.
“Yes!” Hailey said with a smile.
Henry knew that she had mistakenly assumed he was a cell tower repair guy. He had carefully not lied about that during their conversation through the steam room wall, but had also not corrected the assumption. In fact, it wasn’t until he picked her up the next day in his Ferrari that she started realizing he was more than he seemed.
Dinner that night was not in Kansas City, it was in Paris. Six month later, they were married.
Their love was true, and their love was pure. People of course accused Hailey of being a gold digger. That wasn’t the case. She certainly benefitted from the trappings of wealth, but she truly loved Henry, and he loved her. The suggestion that Henry only was with her for the sex couldn’t have been more off base. In fact, the sex wasn’t that great.
Hailey had always been self-conscious about her looks, ironically. Every guy had wanted to jump in the sack with her for as long as she could remember. That made her a little uncomfortable about the whole concept of sex. She wanted to enjoy it more, she just couldn’t really relax and get into it. She always wondered if she was living up to the fantasy, the expectation. Henry, for his part, was a shy man that never felt comfortable with the ladies. He knew he wasn’t much of a lover, and he always wondered if he could live up to the type of lover Hailey deserved. Their mutual insecurities always made their love making tepid at best.
Friday Night
Henry had never been able to drive Hailey wild with lust as this hypnotist had done on stage in front of him as the participants on stage got “really, really into the porno”. Henry had never been more aroused than he was watching his beautiful wife respond to the erotic, hypnotic commands of the maestro. He was jealous, but also rock hard as he watched it.
After the “watch the porno” bit, Hudson carefully segway’d into a “you are in a porno” bit. He told the participants that they were starring in a porno with the sexiest person they have ever seen, and that this person was on their chair and they were to basically fuck the chair. The people on stage were in such a state of arousal at that point from watching the imagined porno that they got right into it, Hailey included.
However, Hudson sensed an opportunity for both a laugh, and a little something for later. He smiled widely to the crowd, and then put his hand on Bethanny’s shoulder. “And to the woman I am touching right now. You’ll find that the sexiest, most irresistible man you have ever seen or known is… Hudson the Hypnotist!”
The crowd went wild! There was laughter and cheers. Hudson played it off to the crowd like a raunchy showman would. “Can you blame me?” he yelled loudly. “I mean, seriously.. can you blame me!?”
Henry could blame him! And he couldn’t believe that Hudson had said that to her. He also couldn’t believe how Hailey was moving. Her hips were slowly and sensually rolling with a sexual fluidity he had never seen. Her head was tilted back she was grinding on the chair, she was clearly lost in a sexual bliss. It was like nothing he had ever seen, and she looked even hotter than he had imagined while doing it. Part of him wanted to stop this, as it was wrong on so many levels, but he had a raging boner that he was quite sure could be seen through his khakis. He couldn’t exactly stand up and approach the stage like that.
Hudson of course knew who Hailey was with that night. He paid careful notice to the fact that the husband hadn’t stormed the stage when Hudson had told her that he was her new sexiest man alive. The feeling of power over the subjects on stage, and the awareness that Hailey thought that she was currently fucking him on that chair, emboldened the middle age hypnotist. Again, he put his hand on her shoulder, “and to the woman I am touching right now. Not only is Hudson the Hypnotist the sexiest, most irresistible man you have ever seen, but he also has the biggest, most powerful, most perfect cock you have ever come across in your life! And that cock is fucking you now! Fucking you now and making you cum! Hudson the Hypnotist is a sexual god who is fucking you and making you cum like no man has ever done!” he said, to less cheers. Some people in the crowd could see he was going too far, but the majority of the group was so turned on by watching the beautiful Hailey orgasm on the chair that they couldn’t laugh or applaud or anything. They were completely transfixed by the scene in front of them.
Henry was horrified, but his heart was beating a million miles a minute. He was so angry, scared, and turned on. There was nowhere else for the performance to go after Hailey’s show stopping orgasm. Hudson got all the parictipants back in line in to their chairs and dropped them into a deep sleep. He told them they would awake refreshed and happy. He also told them that they would find the experience of being hypnotized by him one of the most wonderful of their lives, and that they would desperately want to be hypnotized by him again in the future. With that, he made a joke to the audience about “job security”
When Hailey heard the phrase “…and wake”, her eyes fluttered open. Her hand instinctively ran through her thick blonde hair as she sat up. Her blue eyes took a second to focus with the bright stage lights in front of her, but she soon saw Hudson looking back at her. It was like a jolt of electricity went through her as she lost her breath for a moment. “He’s so gorgeous” she thought, before immediately chiding herself for being attracted to a man that is not her husband. Unaware of the post hypnotic suggestions that were driving this, she found herself quite surprised at her intense attraction to Hudson. She had never gotten like that over a guy before. They always threw themselves at her, but she had never been so magnetically drawn to a man before.
She smiled at him demurely as she walked by him while exiting the stage. She desperately hoped that was not the last time he would hypnotize her. She had loved the experience so much. Stepping down back into the audience, she could feel most of the eyes in the room on her. She was used to that. As per usual, it made her feel uneasy and nervous. As per usual, she focused on Henry to calm her down. However, this time she noticed that Henry looked uneasy and nervous. He was pale and clammy.
“Babe, what’s up?” she said to him. Henry didn’t know what to say. How could he tell her that she was just up on stage acting like a total slut? What would she do if she knew she had just given every single guy in this room a massive boner as she acted more sexual on stage than she ever, ever had with him in the bedroom? Henry panicked.
For the first time ever, he lied to his wife. “Nothing. Nothing’s up. That was really funny. How are you? How are you feeling?” he said, putting on his best game face.
“Oh my god, it was amazing!” she gushed. “I loved being hypnotized by Hudson!” she almost squealed.
Henry looked around and noticed the room was still very much focused on Hailey. He knew he should get her out of there before she realized the state she had the men in. “Do you want to go get some desert or something?” he asked. Hailey never passed up desert. If other women knew how much she indulged in sweets with that body, they’d hate her even more.
Hailey leaned in close and whispered in her husband’s ear. “I’d rather go home. I need you inside of me.” It was the first time she had ever said anything like that to him.
Henry, who was of course so horny already after watching that show, didn’t need to be asked twice. He raced his beautiful wife home and up to their bed. Within minutes, he was thrusting himself inside her. Ramming as hard as he could. He didn’t last long, having been so turned on by the show. However much to his surprise, Hailey actually orgasmed. She had never orgasmed during their love making before.
Henry loved the sounds she made beneath him. He loved the feel of her convulsing in his arms. What a wonderful experience. He knew her mindset was largely due to the hypnotism. He was actually grateful for Hudson’s hypnotic hijinks. In fact, he wondered if the performer could help him experience this sort of sexual intimacy with his wife again. He decided he needed to pay Hudson a visit.
What Henry didn’t know, was that for the first time in her marriage, Hailey was thinking of another man during sex. She was thinking of Hudson. Sexy, powerful, hypnotic Hudson. The sexual god with the biggest, most powerful cock she had ever come across in her life.
Trouble was ahead….
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5 Things You Won't Believe You Can Put on a Wedding Registry
Wedding registries can be both a blessing and a curse. Don't know the couple well? Great, you can purchase exactly what they want for their big day! But wait until the last minute and you're stuck sending locking tongs and custom coasters and hoping together, they'll make sense.
But thanks to a new crop of retailers, registering for and buying gifts has never been more fun. So put down that scanner and check out these five things you won't believe you can actually put on a wedding registry.
READ MORE »
from Apartment Therapy | Saving the world, one room at a time http://ift.tt/2mJyOWC
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When Moms Attack – The New York Times
This article contains spoilers for “The Lodge.”
Poisoning, verbal abuse, neglect, decapitation by piano wire: These are just a few of the sins committed by mothers in horror movies. Whether harming their children or raising monsters of their own, these women eschew maternal expectation so thoroughly as to harm humanity. The anti-mothering in movies like “Psycho,” “Carrie,” “Antichrist” and “Hereditary” is so blatant it borders on sacrilege — no accident, as each of these movies deals in zealotry as well as maternal abuse.
“The Lodge” (now in theaters), from the “Goodnight Mommy” directors Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala, and “Swallow” (March 6), from Carlo Mirabella-Davis, present more complex takes on spurned motherhood. In both films, the central mother figures are unprepared for their new roles — what’s more, in a disturbing blow to the patriarchal nuclear family, these women are ambivalent about motherhood itself. But as the films’ many terrors unfold, it seems they were right to be reluctant.
“The Lodge” centers on Grace (Riley Keough) and her soon-to-be stepchildren Mia (Lia McHugh) and Aiden (Jaeden Martell). The children are scarred by their mother’s recent suicide, partially driven by the revelation that her husband intends to marry his mistress, Grace. At the same time, Grace is recovering from her childhood in a Waco-meets-Heaven’s Gate death cult.
Young and awkward, Grace does her best to win over her fiancé’s children. But Mia and Aiden, determined not to let this woman replace their mother, set out to exploit Grace’s trauma when the three are forced together for Christmas in their family vacation home. The results are gut-wrenching, as an addled Grace turns on her juvenile charges. Although one woman gets the most screen time, “The Lodge” is really about three mother figures: the children’s dead mom, the Virgin Mary (via a foreboding portrait in the dining room) and Grace. A martyr, a saint and — at least in the children’s eyes — a harlot.
So go three popular sexist tropes, with mothers — stereotypically sexless figures — usually falling into martyrdom or sainthood. In horror movies, where social comforts are upended for maximum disturbance, this idealism curdles into (often literal) demonization. In the Lars von Trier movie “Antichrist,” the mother (Charlotte Gainsbourg) does not prevent her child’s fatal fall, portending her psychotic attempts to kill her husband in a forest called Eden. Ellen, the dead matriarch and closet occultist of Ari Aster’s “Hereditary,” invites a malevolent spirit to puppeteer her daughter and granddaughter, thus leading to the end of her entire family. Then there’s Margaret White, the mother of Carrie, and Norma Bates, the mother of Norman, two obsessive, sexually obsessed Christian parents who smother their children to a fault. As Sady Doyle writes in her book “Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers,” “At the heart of horror is a bad mother; the familiar and terrible vision of a woman corrupting the world, unleashing her own flaws upon it through her monstrous children.”
“The Lodge” finds Grace struggling against a mother and father from her own past, in the form of the Virgin Mary and the priest who led her former cult (played, quite unsettlingly, by Riley Keough’s real-life father, Danny). But unlike other horror mothers, Grace’s upbringing does not make her fundamentally violent, nor does she instigate the violence between herself and the children. Instead, Aiden and Mia put Grace through grueling emotional and physical torture, hiding her food, belongings and psychiatric medication and playing tapes of her old priest until they eventually trigger her cult programming.
There is no unending maternal love to save these three, as in horror films like “Bird Box” or “The Conjuring.” Instead, “The Lodge” implies what other horror films are usually too afraid to say: Motherhood, with all its sacrifice and crushing expectation, might not be worth it for everyone.
That message is likely familiar to fans of “Rosemary’s Baby,” though the film’s protagonist eventually accepts the malevolent force that invades her home (and uterus). Recent takes on the reluctant or terrified mother include “The Babadook,” Jennifer Kent’s debut feature about a mother troubled both by her misbehaving son and a demonic force, “Prevenge,” Alice Lowe’s slasher about a pregnant woman whose fetus compels her to kill, and “Swallow,” about Hunter Conrad (Haley Bennett), a dutiful housewife who, once she learns she is pregnant, begins compulsively swallowing dangerous inanimate objects.
Hunter appears to have a charmed life. Wide-eyed and bubbly, she spends her days homemaking and playing games on her cellphone. She was a retail worker who bagged a rich man. Bearing his child is just another privilege, like en suite bathrooms or the latest iPhone. Her pregnancy gifts her life with purpose. Still, she swallows a thumbtack well before her second trimester.
Determined to produce an heir, her domineering in-laws shuttle her off to therapy to uproot the compulsion. There, placidly smiling, she reveals a family trauma that disassembles any preconceived notions about the film’s relationship to gender, motherhood or even Hunter herself. She’s no twit, and her destructive behavior — inspired by that of Mirabella-Davis’s own grandmother, who was lobotomized for a hand-washing compulsion — becomes a savvy and tragic bid to retain her selfhood. What little independence she has as a wife can be distilled into the moments she steals to swallow objects, her private world as small as the tray on which she places a marble, an earring, a battery.
“The Lodge” and “Swallow” are so effectively disturbing because there are few Freudian terrors more primal than that of the mother figure who turns on her children, or the woman who violently rejects the very idea of maternity.
Grace and Hunter are not demons but martyrs, sacrificed to the feminine ideal of motherhood despite their independent desires. The disobedient mother is a horror trope because, as an idealized figure, she has so far to fall, and so many means by which to do so. In comedies like “Bad Moms,” unruly mothers use cursing and alcohol. In chillers like “The Lodge” and “Swallow,” they guzzle safety pins and play Russian roulette.
from WordPress https://mastcomm.com/entertainment/when-moms-attack-the-new-york-times-2/
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Your Diagnosis Does Not Define You
I’ve been diagnosed, at one point or another, with depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. It’s an annoying characterization of myself because my medical ‘diagnosis’ does not define me. Yet it has also been incredibly helpful to me as it explains certain behaviors and reactions, and gives me the tools I need to research and manage them.
But let me be clear. What I ‘have’ does not equate to who I am. As despite the challenges, we can all thrive.
I can say this now, as I’m in a new chapter in my life with success under my belt. My first consumer product turned into a 35 million dollar retail brand, and raised more than a million dollars for charities. I have presented at the UN, World Bank, and more. I sit on several global advisory boards, helped get mental health added to the sustainable development goals, helped create a youth mental health movement, and shared my story around the world.
So I come with experience and wisdom to share.
I’m grateful to say I been off medication for some time, another feat I never thought I would accomplish as managing my moods on my own didn’t seem within reach. As you can imagine, the combination of anxiety, PTSD, depression and ADHD is not easy to handle as many of them actually create havoc on the other. Even one alone can debilitate a person making the entrepreneurial journey virtually impossible.
And it is not to say medication is bad. It has saved many, many lives. Including my own. I just prefer to work through the ‘stuff’ to get to my core. I may at some point go on meds again, and that is OK. I’m also grateful that today I don’t need them.
So how did I do it? Initially, therapy and medication, healthy lifestyle choices including meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and addictions. I got a handle on my triggers which would often spark unwanted life pivots. Ongoing mood management led to practicing presence. And then beyond presence, but actually enjoying the moment. Which of course led to my company.
That was the initial work, and it allowed me to start seeing and manage the various triggers without folding into a heap of despair, or running off to chase the latest addiction that alleviated some unwanted feeling or lack of feeling.
The second step was to approach the ‘diagnosis’ like a curious child. To explore their darkness and light, understand their messages, and use the mess they could potentially cause to instead drive meaning and purpose in my life. And this is what I found helpful with each diagnosis:
ADHD: I initially didn’t even realize I had the ‘H’ as I’m not necessarily a hyperactive person. I am, however, an impulsive person in thinking and action and this is how it plays out with my ADHD. So how did I manage as an entrepreneur? I created smart coping strategies to get organized including budgeting, hiring an assistant, writing lists, and checking with advisors to keep me accountable. And how does it benefit me? It is pretty powerful once channeled, and I focus on the gifts of creativity, ideation for new products, drive, hyper-focus, and efficiency. It is an incredibly powerful ‘diagnosis’ once correctly managed.
Depression: This is super hard to handle, and almost impossible to imagine how it might help an entrepreneur. As any entrepreneur knows, we need to get stuff done. Being in bed, unable to move and unmotivated to work does not get us there. At least at first glance. What I found, however, was that I could actually work when I was depressed, from bed, with writing. The power of depression is it takes you to an emotional depth you never knew you had and wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet also gives you insights, deep deep feeling and empathy. It was in my bed that I dreamed up Hopeful Minds, initially called Schools for Hope, something that we are now teaching kids around the globe. It was in my bed, in my darkest time, that I found my ability to write and plan and solve mental problems in a way I never imagined possible. My intense, insatiable, excruciating mental anguish drove my thoughts and ideas, when I channeled them the right way (not to darkness, but to light) to new places I had never imagined with both my business and my nonprofit.
Anxiety: This may seem easier, as it is an energetic state and in my experience much less stigmatized than depression. However, it can be just as challenging as it can leave us in total paralysis. We absolutely have to stop everything because we can’t get a single thing done and we think our brain might explode trying to figure it out. The good news? I found my brain never exploded. That’s right, it never exploded! I found my anxiety to be a great driver once I could calm the brain down and get present through meditation, deep breathing, and putting all my ‘to do’s on lists in a big brain dump. As even if I didn’t get everything on my list done, simply writing it down and taking a single small step in the right direction got me moving forward again. Once I was moving, the anxiety dissipated.
PTSD: This is not a fun one. It has thrown me off track as an entrepreneur so many times, and it is such an automatic reflex unless it is truly healed it is so challenging to make progress. As any time I perceive that I am betrayed or abandoned my PTSD kicks in and I freeze. Literally, I’m frozen in thought and action, unable to make a decision or trust people or realize the universe really does have my back. Thank goodness, however, it is a thing of the past for the most part. How did I resolve it? Through lots of EMDR, hypnosis, and cognitive behavioral therapy. Now when I’m triggered I breath. Deeply. Many times. I focus on getting present. And sure enough, the energy moves through me. And what is the benefit PTSD? It made me really aware or my surroundings and how people are feeling. I am hypersensitive to the marketplace, incredibly aware of how audiences or groups are reacting, and have a deep understanding of what is working and what isn’t. It also sometimes forces me to stop and reflect, which is so necessary in business and so often missed because I think I need to be ‘doing’. Often times, it is the ‘being’ where the magic occurs.
Even though the stigma is strong, these are not curses in my life. They are gifts that I simply needed to transform into my full being. To fulfill my life’s mission and purpose.
The beneficial traits of these illnesses can provide unique advantages if harnessed. I manage all of this on an ongoing basis, while not perfectly, with much more grace and success than I ever thought possible. Thankfully, I’ve had great therapists and doctors that have helped me desensitize what triggered all of these different ‘responses’ in the first place, and more effectively managed my emotions thus increasing my emotional intelligence.
When we act from these negative mood states, we end up acting in a way unaligned with who we really are. So, no matter what, as an entrepreneur or anyone else, getting into a hopeful, positive state through meditation, exercise, healthy eating, talking to a therapist, or connecting with your higher power (if applicable) is critical to success.
The biggest tip I can share (which again I’m still working on) is to not ever act from a state other than hope and love. We cannot be in a hopeful state and an angry or anxious state at the same time. Get some distance from the intense emotions and action. Then, once you have clarity, use the emotions to fuel inspired action.
Both The Mood Factory and iFred, my for-profit and my nonprofit, have given me satisfaction and fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams. They never would have been born without my story. I never thought I’d say it, but I am thankful for it. All of it. Each and every diagnosis.
I hope that if you have any of these diagnosis, or any other ones, you don’t let it stop you from pursuing your dreams. As an entrepreneur, you can thrive. Find the hidden gems and use them to your ultimate advantage in whatever you do.
Please do share your strategies, journey, and triumphs in the comments if so inspired.
from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/11/27/your-diagnosis-does-not-define-you/
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Your Diagnosis Does Not Define You
I’ve been diagnosed, at one point or another, with depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. It’s an annoying characterization of myself because my medical ‘diagnosis’ does not define me. Yet it has also been incredibly helpful to me as it explains certain behaviors and reactions, and gives me the tools I need to research and manage them.
But let me be clear. What I ‘have’ does not equate to who I am. As despite the challenges, we can all thrive.
I can say this now, as I’m in a new chapter in my life with success under my belt. My first consumer product turned into a 35 million dollar retail brand, and raised more than a million dollars for charities. I have presented at the UN, World Bank, and more. I sit on several global advisory boards, helped get mental health added to the sustainable development goals, helped create a youth mental health movement, and shared my story around the world.
So I come with experience and wisdom to share.
I’m grateful to say I been off medication for some time, another feat I never thought I would accomplish as managing my moods on my own didn’t seem within reach. As you can imagine, the combination of anxiety, PTSD, depression and ADHD is not easy to handle as many of them actually create havoc on the other. Even one alone can debilitate a person making the entrepreneurial journey virtually impossible.
And it is not to say medication is bad. It has saved many, many lives. Including my own. I just prefer to work through the ‘stuff’ to get to my core. I may at some point go on meds again, and that is OK. I’m also grateful that today I don’t need them.
So how did I do it? Initially, therapy and medication, healthy lifestyle choices including meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and addictions. I got a handle on my triggers which would often spark unwanted life pivots. Ongoing mood management led to practicing presence. And then beyond presence, but actually enjoying the moment. Which of course led to my company.
That was the initial work, and it allowed me to start seeing and manage the various triggers without folding into a heap of despair, or running off to chase the latest addiction that alleviated some unwanted feeling or lack of feeling.
The second step was to approach the ‘diagnosis’ like a curious child. To explore their darkness and light, understand their messages, and use the mess they could potentially cause to instead drive meaning and purpose in my life. And this is what I found helpful with each diagnosis:
ADHD: I initially didn’t even realize I had the ‘H’ as I’m not necessarily a hyperactive person. I am, however, an impulsive person in thinking and action and this is how it plays out with my ADHD. So how did I manage as an entrepreneur? I created smart coping strategies to get organized including budgeting, hiring an assistant, writing lists, and checking with advisors to keep me accountable. And how does it benefit me? It is pretty powerful once channeled, and I focus on the gifts of creativity, ideation for new products, drive, hyper-focus, and efficiency. It is an incredibly powerful ‘diagnosis’ once correctly managed.
Depression: This is super hard to handle, and almost impossible to imagine how it might help an entrepreneur. As any entrepreneur knows, we need to get stuff done. Being in bed, unable to move and unmotivated to work does not get us there. At least at first glance. What I found, however, was that I could actually work when I was depressed, from bed, with writing. The power of depression is it takes you to an emotional depth you never knew you had and wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet also gives you insights, deep deep feeling and empathy. It was in my bed that I dreamed up Hopeful Minds, initially called Schools for Hope, something that we are now teaching kids around the globe. It was in my bed, in my darkest time, that I found my ability to write and plan and solve mental problems in a way I never imagined possible. My intense, insatiable, excruciating mental anguish drove my thoughts and ideas, when I channeled them the right way (not to darkness, but to light) to new places I had never imagined with both my business and my nonprofit.
Anxiety: This may seem easier, as it is an energetic state and in my experience much less stigmatized than depression. However, it can be just as challenging as it can leave us in total paralysis. We absolutely have to stop everything because we can’t get a single thing done and we think our brain might explode trying to figure it out. The good news? I found my brain never exploded. That’s right, it never exploded! I found my anxiety to be a great driver once I could calm the brain down and get present through meditation, deep breathing, and putting all my ‘to do’s on lists in a big brain dump. As even if I didn’t get everything on my list done, simply writing it down and taking a single small step in the right direction got me moving forward again. Once I was moving, the anxiety dissipated.
PTSD: This is not a fun one. It has thrown me off track as an entrepreneur so many times, and it is such an automatic reflex unless it is truly healed it is so challenging to make progress. As any time I perceive that I am betrayed or abandoned my PTSD kicks in and I freeze. Literally, I’m frozen in thought and action, unable to make a decision or trust people or realize the universe really does have my back. Thank goodness, however, it is a thing of the past for the most part. How did I resolve it? Through lots of EMDR, hypnosis, and cognitive behavioral therapy. Now when I’m triggered I breath. Deeply. Many times. I focus on getting present. And sure enough, the energy moves through me. And what is the benefit PTSD? It made me really aware or my surroundings and how people are feeling. I am hypersensitive to the marketplace, incredibly aware of how audiences or groups are reacting, and have a deep understanding of what is working and what isn’t. It also sometimes forces me to stop and reflect, which is so necessary in business and so often missed because I think I need to be ‘doing’. Often times, it is the ‘being’ where the magic occurs.
Even though the stigma is strong, these are not curses in my life. They are gifts that I simply needed to transform into my full being. To fulfill my life’s mission and purpose.
The beneficial traits of these illnesses can provide unique advantages if harnessed. I manage all of this on an ongoing basis, while not perfectly, with much more grace and success than I ever thought possible. Thankfully, I’ve had great therapists and doctors that have helped me desensitize what triggered all of these different ‘responses’ in the first place, and more effectively managed my emotions thus increasing my emotional intelligence.
When we act from these negative mood states, we end up acting in a way unaligned with who we really are. So, no matter what, as an entrepreneur or anyone else, getting into a hopeful, positive state through meditation, exercise, healthy eating, talking to a therapist, or connecting with your higher power (if applicable) is critical to success.
The biggest tip I can share (which again I’m still working on) is to not ever act from a state other than hope and love. We cannot be in a hopeful state and an angry or anxious state at the same time. Get some distance from the intense emotions and action. Then, once you have clarity, use the emotions to fuel inspired action.
Both The Mood Factory and iFred, my for-profit and my nonprofit, have given me satisfaction and fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams. They never would have been born without my story. I never thought I’d say it, but I am thankful for it. All of it. Each and every diagnosis.
I hope that if you have any of these diagnosis, or any other ones, you don’t let it stop you from pursuing your dreams. As an entrepreneur, you can thrive. Find the hidden gems and use them to your ultimate advantage in whatever you do.
Please do share your strategies, journey, and triumphs in the comments if so inspired.
from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2Br1V8J
via theshiningmind.com
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Text
Your Diagnosis Does Not Define You
I’ve been diagnosed, at one point or another, with depression, anxiety, PTSD and ADHD. It’s an annoying characterization of myself because my medical ‘diagnosis’ does not define me. Yet it has also been incredibly helpful to me as it explains certain behaviors and reactions, and gives me the tools I need to research and manage them.
But let me be clear. What I ‘have’ does not equate to who I am. As despite the challenges, we can all thrive.
I can say this now, as I’m in a new chapter in my life with success under my belt. My first consumer product turned into a 35 million dollar retail brand, and raised more than a million dollars for charities. I have presented at the UN, World Bank, and more. I sit on several global advisory boards, helped get mental health added to the sustainable development goals, helped create a youth mental health movement, and shared my story around the world.
So I come with experience and wisdom to share.
I’m grateful to say I been off medication for some time, another feat I never thought I would accomplish as managing my moods on my own didn’t seem within reach. As you can imagine, the combination of anxiety, PTSD, depression and ADHD is not easy to handle as many of them actually create havoc on the other. Even one alone can debilitate a person making the entrepreneurial journey virtually impossible.
And it is not to say medication is bad. It has saved many, many lives. Including my own. I just prefer to work through the ‘stuff’ to get to my core. I may at some point go on meds again, and that is OK. I’m also grateful that today I don’t need them.
So how did I do it? Initially, therapy and medication, healthy lifestyle choices including meditation, exercise, cutting out alcohol and addictions. I got a handle on my triggers which would often spark unwanted life pivots. Ongoing mood management led to practicing presence. And then beyond presence, but actually enjoying the moment. Which of course led to my company.
That was the initial work, and it allowed me to start seeing and manage the various triggers without folding into a heap of despair, or running off to chase the latest addiction that alleviated some unwanted feeling or lack of feeling.
The second step was to approach the ‘diagnosis’ like a curious child. To explore their darkness and light, understand their messages, and use the mess they could potentially cause to instead drive meaning and purpose in my life. And this is what I found helpful with each diagnosis:
ADHD: I initially didn’t even realize I had the ‘H’ as I’m not necessarily a hyperactive person. I am, however, an impulsive person in thinking and action and this is how it plays out with my ADHD. So how did I manage as an entrepreneur? I created smart coping strategies to get organized including budgeting, hiring an assistant, writing lists, and checking with advisors to keep me accountable. And how does it benefit me? It is pretty powerful once channeled, and I focus on the gifts of creativity, ideation for new products, drive, hyper-focus, and efficiency. It is an incredibly powerful ‘diagnosis’ once correctly managed.
Depression: This is super hard to handle, and almost impossible to imagine how it might help an entrepreneur. As any entrepreneur knows, we need to get stuff done. Being in bed, unable to move and unmotivated to work does not get us there. At least at first glance. What I found, however, was that I could actually work when I was depressed, from bed, with writing. The power of depression is it takes you to an emotional depth you never knew you had and wouldn’t wish on anyone, yet also gives you insights, deep deep feeling and empathy. It was in my bed that I dreamed up Hopeful Minds, initially called Schools for Hope, something that we are now teaching kids around the globe. It was in my bed, in my darkest time, that I found my ability to write and plan and solve mental problems in a way I never imagined possible. My intense, insatiable, excruciating mental anguish drove my thoughts and ideas, when I channeled them the right way (not to darkness, but to light) to new places I had never imagined with both my business and my nonprofit.
Anxiety: This may seem easier, as it is an energetic state and in my experience much less stigmatized than depression. However, it can be just as challenging as it can leave us in total paralysis. We absolutely have to stop everything because we can’t get a single thing done and we think our brain might explode trying to figure it out. The good news? I found my brain never exploded. That’s right, it never exploded! I found my anxiety to be a great driver once I could calm the brain down and get present through meditation, deep breathing, and putting all my ‘to do’s on lists in a big brain dump. As even if I didn’t get everything on my list done, simply writing it down and taking a single small step in the right direction got me moving forward again. Once I was moving, the anxiety dissipated.
PTSD: This is not a fun one. It has thrown me off track as an entrepreneur so many times, and it is such an automatic reflex unless it is truly healed it is so challenging to make progress. As any time I perceive that I am betrayed or abandoned my PTSD kicks in and I freeze. Literally, I’m frozen in thought and action, unable to make a decision or trust people or realize the universe really does have my back. Thank goodness, however, it is a thing of the past for the most part. How did I resolve it? Through lots of EMDR, hypnosis, and cognitive behavioral therapy. Now when I’m triggered I breath. Deeply. Many times. I focus on getting present. And sure enough, the energy moves through me. And what is the benefit PTSD? It made me really aware or my surroundings and how people are feeling. I am hypersensitive to the marketplace, incredibly aware of how audiences or groups are reacting, and have a deep understanding of what is working and what isn’t. It also sometimes forces me to stop and reflect, which is so necessary in business and so often missed because I think I need to be ‘doing’. Often times, it is the ‘being’ where the magic occurs.
Even though the stigma is strong, these are not curses in my life. They are gifts that I simply needed to transform into my full being. To fulfill my life’s mission and purpose.
The beneficial traits of these illnesses can provide unique advantages if harnessed. I manage all of this on an ongoing basis, while not perfectly, with much more grace and success than I ever thought possible. Thankfully, I’ve had great therapists and doctors that have helped me desensitize what triggered all of these different ‘responses’ in the first place, and more effectively managed my emotions thus increasing my emotional intelligence.
When we act from these negative mood states, we end up acting in a way unaligned with who we really are. So, no matter what, as an entrepreneur or anyone else, getting into a hopeful, positive state through meditation, exercise, healthy eating, talking to a therapist, or connecting with your higher power (if applicable) is critical to success.
The biggest tip I can share (which again I’m still working on) is to not ever act from a state other than hope and love. We cannot be in a hopeful state and an angry or anxious state at the same time. Get some distance from the intense emotions and action. Then, once you have clarity, use the emotions to fuel inspired action.
Both The Mood Factory and iFred, my for-profit and my nonprofit, have given me satisfaction and fulfillment beyond my wildest dreams. They never would have been born without my story. I never thought I’d say it, but I am thankful for it. All of it. Each and every diagnosis.
I hope that if you have any of these diagnosis, or any other ones, you don’t let it stop you from pursuing your dreams. As an entrepreneur, you can thrive. Find the hidden gems and use them to your ultimate advantage in whatever you do.
Please do share your strategies, journey, and triumphs in the comments if so inspired.
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When Moms Attack – The New York Times
This article contains spoilers for “The Lodge.”
Poisoning, verbal abuse, neglect, decapitation by piano wire: These are just a few of the sins committed by mothers in horror movies. Whether harming their children or raising monsters of their own, these women eschew maternal expectation so thoroughly as to harm humanity. The anti-mothering in movies like “Psycho,” “Carrie,” “Antichrist” and “Hereditary” is so blatant it borders on sacrilege — no accident, as each of these movies deals in zealotry as well as maternal abuse.
“The Lodge” (now in theaters), from the “Goodnight Mommy” directors Veronika Franz and Severin Fiala, and “Swallow” (March 6), from Carlo Mirabella-Davis, present more complex takes on spurned motherhood. In both films, the central mother figures are unprepared for their new roles — what’s more, in a disturbing blow to the patriarchal nuclear family, these women are ambivalent about motherhood itself. But as the films’ many terrors unfold, it seems they were right to be reluctant.
“The Lodge” centers on Grace (Riley Keough) and her soon-to-be stepchildren Mia (Lia McHugh) and Aiden (Jaeden Martell). The children are scarred by their mother’s recent suicide, partially driven by the revelation that her husband intends to marry his mistress, Grace. At the same time, Grace is recovering from her childhood in a Waco-meets-Heaven’s Gate death cult.
Young and awkward, Grace does her best to win over her fiancé’s children. But Mia and Aiden, determined not to let this woman replace their mother, set out to exploit Grace’s trauma when the three are forced together for Christmas in their family vacation home. The results are gut-wrenching, as an addled Grace turns on her juvenile charges. Although one woman gets the most screen time, “The Lodge” is really about three mother figures: the children’s dead mom, the Virgin Mary (via a foreboding portrait in the dining room) and Grace. A martyr, a saint and — at least in the children’s eyes — a harlot.
So go three popular sexist tropes, with mothers — stereotypically sexless figures — usually falling into martyrdom or sainthood. In horror movies, where social comforts are upended for maximum disturbance, this idealism curdles into (often literal) demonization. In the Lars von Trier movie “Antichrist,” the mother (Charlotte Gainsbourg) does not prevent her child’s fatal fall, portending her psychotic attempts to kill her husband in a forest called Eden. Ellen, the dead matriarch and closet occultist of Ari Aster’s “Hereditary,” invites a malevolent spirit to puppeteer her daughter and granddaughter, thus leading to the end of her entire family. Then there’s Margaret White, the mother of Carrie, and Norma Bates, the mother of Norman, two obsessive, sexually obsessed Christian parents who smother their children to a fault. As Sady Doyle writes in her book “Dead Blondes and Bad Mothers,” “At the heart of horror is a bad mother; the familiar and terrible vision of a woman corrupting the world, unleashing her own flaws upon it through her monstrous children.”
“The Lodge” finds Grace struggling against a mother and father from her own past, in the form of the Virgin Mary and the priest who led her former cult (played, quite unsettlingly, by Riley Keough’s real-life father, Danny). But unlike other horror mothers, Grace’s upbringing does not make her fundamentally violent, nor does she instigate the violence between herself and the children. Instead, Aiden and Mia put Grace through grueling emotional and physical torture, hiding her food, belongings and psychiatric medication and playing tapes of her old priest until they eventually trigger her cult programming.
There is no unending maternal love to save these three, as in horror films like “Bird Box” or “The Conjuring.” Instead, “The Lodge” implies what other horror films are usually too afraid to say: Motherhood, with all its sacrifice and crushing expectation, might not be worth it for everyone.
That message is likely familiar to fans of “Rosemary’s Baby,” though the film’s protagonist eventually accepts the malevolent force that invades her home (and uterus). Recent takes on the reluctant or terrified mother include “The Babadook,” Jennifer Kent’s debut feature about a mother troubled both by her misbehaving son and a demonic force, “Prevenge,” Alice Lowe’s slasher about a pregnant woman whose fetus compels her to kill, and “Swallow,” about Hunter Conrad (Haley Bennett), a dutiful housewife who, once she learns she is pregnant, begins compulsively swallowing dangerous inanimate objects.
Hunter appears to have a charmed life. Wide-eyed and bubbly, she spends her days homemaking and playing games on her cellphone. She was a retail worker who bagged a rich man. Bearing his child is just another privilege, like en suite bathrooms or the latest iPhone. Her pregnancy gifts her life with purpose. Still, she swallows a thumbtack well before her second trimester.
Determined to produce an heir, her domineering in-laws shuttle her off to therapy to uproot the compulsion. There, placidly smiling, she reveals a family trauma that disassembles any preconceived notions about the film’s relationship to gender, motherhood or even Hunter herself. She’s no twit, and her destructive behavior — inspired by that of Mirabella-Davis’s own grandmother, who was lobotomized for a hand-washing compulsion — becomes a savvy and tragic bid to retain her selfhood. What little independence she has as a wife can be distilled into the moments she steals to swallow objects, her private world as small as the tray on which she places a marble, an earring, a battery.
“The Lodge” and “Swallow” are so effectively disturbing because there are few Freudian terrors more primal than that of the mother figure who turns on her children, or the woman who violently rejects the very idea of maternity.
Grace and Hunter are not demons but martyrs, sacrificed to the feminine ideal of motherhood despite their independent desires. The disobedient mother is a horror trope because, as an idealized figure, she has so far to fall, and so many means by which to do so. In comedies like “Bad Moms,” unruly mothers use cursing and alcohol. In chillers like “The Lodge” and “Swallow,” they guzzle safety pins and play Russian roulette.
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