#rah rahh if i ever find the right way to make up for what i’ve done or in any way help them i refuse because i have yo let go of it all now!
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nvm again friends i’m overthinking again. but good
#like i think i’m definitely gonna be getting. a lot wrong but i’ve just been trying to Understand. and to Comprehend and then to Accept#i think before i was too prone to like. Partially Understanding. Assigning Meaning. Refusing Anything That Does Not Adhere To The Assigned#Meanings In Hopes That Renders Them True#and now like#i recognize the wrong i’ve done and the right i’ve done and how sometimes things fall in between. but also not just#charging in on what i think for two days#i’ve been thinking a lot about Shoulds and Shouldnts and how often people convince themselves there are only shoulds or only shouldnts. like#i feel like people are so. rigid in terms of whether You Must Act or You Must Not Act. like there feels like theres not a lot of discretion#i’ve wanted to apologize to a lot of people for a lot of things for a really long time. but i’ve also realized that like.#and ofc the realization comes from like. along series of fuck ups HDJDHDH but ive realized that those apologies even if they come with good#intent that the impact they would have is. like i really don’t think they would make things better for the others involved#they would just make me feel like oh thank god i apologized thank god they know that i know that i was wrong#but even though i’m holding back on those because that’s what they’re bound to do i’m not gonna be like#rah rahh if i ever find the right way to make up for what i’ve done or in any way help them i refuse because i have yo let go of it all now!#i just feel like everywhere on these things friends and stuff are always speaking at me in absolutes#and it’s never absolute yk? it’s always blurred#there’s always a better way to go about it that isn’t quite letting go but isn’t quite holding on#i just need to keep thinking and figure out where the line sits#mano.mindtalk#not sure. i just like. i wanna be good for the sake of doing good and not the sake of being good. and i’m trying to figure out how to do it#and i’m really really lost but i don’t wanna give up. even if i suck at it now and have for a long time? like#i just don’t wanna give up. which sounds like how i was before and rings alarm bells in my head. but i hope i’m going at it the right way#or at least the better way now
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