#platonic joel miller x reader
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you’ll find the key
▹ — joel miller x platonic!f!reader
▹ — summary: part five of if the door wasn’t shut — after feeling hopeless, you decide it’s time to heal
▹ — a/n: guys, i apologise for the wait! usually it doesn’t take me so long to write but this was a bit of a struggle!! i hope it lives up to any expectations :( i love you guys sm <3 pls leave ur thoughts + feedback and if u would like to see anything else in this series !!!
▹ — warnings: bad mental health, arguments, like two much needed hugs, so many apologies (my brain is failing so please tell me if there’s anything i’m missing!!!)
▹ — general taglist: @auggiesolovey @just-kaylaa @evyiione @lemonlaides @fariylixie0915 @erensloveinterest @dazedshoon @faceache111 @randomhoex @canpillowscry @sleepygraves @pedropascalsrealgf @star-wars-lover @coolchick333 @soobsdior @ilybbg @rvjaa @oliest19xx @pedropepsi @sunflowersdrop @truthfuleeyours
masterlist
PART ONE | PART TWO | PART THREE | PART FOUR
check out howl’s song associations!
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It was still storming outside.
Snow was coming down in heavy bouts, swirling all over the place with the force of the wind, and it was almost a goddamn blizzard. The ground was covered in it, and if it weren’t for the people already out in the streets, using shovels to dig away the snow in front of doorways, you were sure everyone would’ve gotten snowed in.
Not that you were going anywhere, anyway.
You hadn’t left Jesse’s side since you had gotten back to Jackson, after Tommy had a talk with you. They told you he was going to be absolutely fine, that all he needed was rest and to keep the wound clean. You still worried about him.
Part of you, despite knowing that what happened wasn’t your fault, still felt guilty. Out of the two of you, you were the more experienced one, and you should’ve known better, right? Should’ve caught wind that something wasn’t quite right sooner? You should’ve done something, protected him better, maybe?
You didn’t know exactly what you could’ve done differently, and you tried not to think of the possibilities, because the last thing you needed was to drown in guilt when you already felt bad enough.
Tommy’s chat with you hadn’t helped, either, and you know it was only because he cares, but it still hurt. The way he had looked at you, so angry, and scolded you for going back out there, for going after Joel when you and Jesse had barely made it out yourselves. He had called you irresponsible, which you would’ve argued against, if you hadn’t felt so guilty over the events of the day, if you hadn’t been worrying about Jesse.
You didn’t want to think about him being right, about how you could’ve gotten Jesse killed today, or yourself, god — Joel could’ve died, trying to save you. But was that really your fault? You wondered if everyone blamed you for Jesse getting hurt, as much as you blamed yourself.
“Are you really brooding, right now?” Jesse croaked, startling you from where you stood at the window beside his bed, staring out at the swirling snow. You turned to him, seeing his raised eyebrows, and felt almost thankful about the annoyance that arose when he looked smug, like he was right. “Unbelievable!”
“I’m not brooding, you asshole.” You murmured, unconvincingly. Jesse grinned, shaking his head at your denial.
“Oh, you so are.”
“I should’ve let them finish the job.” You responded flatly, breaking into a smile when Jesse laughed. The quiet lingered for a moment, both of your smiles slowly falling as the weight of everything that happened registered between you. “I’m sorry.”
Jesse’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at you, his fingers picking at the edge of the blanket settled over him. “For what? Saving my life?”
“No, Jesse, I should’ve never put us in that situation. Especially after Pete left. I know better.” You replied, stepping towards the guy who had quickly become your best friend. You shook your head, eyes flickering around the room, until they settled on him. “Tommy took me off patrols, anyway, so.”
“What?” Jesse questioned, mouth hanging open. “Why?”
You stared at him, blinking in your confusion, and you tilted his head back to check his eyes were focused, that he wasn’t concussed, or something.
“Do you not remember what happened?”
“I remember just fine, thank you.” He responded, eyebrows creased as your hand left his forehead. Both of you wore incredibly confused expressions, neither knowing what the miscommunication between you could be. “Why would Tommy take you off patrols?”
“Jesse, you could’ve died.” You said, watching his face for the reaction, as if the information was new to him.
“Yeah, but that wasn’t your fault! You’re the one who saved me, who got me out. I don’t understand.” Jesse said, voice raising as he got slightly heated. He lowered his voice when he sat up, and pulled at his stitches, hissing in pain.
“No, I got us into it, and I was lucky to get us out.” You told him, as if it was a confession, and you frowned. You didn’t want to think about what could have happened to Joel, didn’t want to say that for once, the world had been on your side, letting you get him out, too. You didn’t voice it, but you don’t know what you would’ve done with yourself if he had died, trying to save you.
Jesse shifted, voicing your name, but you stopped him, smiling tightly in his direction. “It’s fine, Jesse. It’s for the better. Besides, means I’ve got more time to do my pottering.” You teased, though the words didn’t quite reach the way your teasing usually sounded. “Anyway, Dina showed up.”
“What? Why? Did she actually?” Jesse asked, his eyebrows raised as he looked to you with suspicion, like you were about to be making fun of him.
“‘Course she did. Whole town knows what happened, and she was worried about you.” You said with a grin that didn’t meet your eyes.
“The whole town?” He questioned, shutting his eyes and dropping his head back with a groan when you nodded your confirmation. “My family are so going to kill me, aren’t they?”
With a laugh, you reached forward to mess up his hair, “Oh, Jesse, you sweet thing. We’ve already devised a plan on how we’re going to do it.”
He slapped your hand away, glaring, but a smile pulled at his lips. He knew it wasn’t true, knew you were just entertaining his dramatics. What he didn’t know, was that his family had already been in, had already scolded you for getting their golden boy into trouble.
You moved back to the window, seeing a man across the road had given up on shovelling the heavy snow away from his door. Something heavy had settled on your chest, and you took a deep breath to try and get some oxygen past it. You didn’t blame Jesse’s family for what they had said to you — if you had been in their position, you probably would’ve been the same. They hadn’t quite approved of you, anyway, so you didn’t take it too personally. You were more than aware of everything you had done wrong.
Somebody cleared their throat in the doorway to the room, and you turned away from the window to see Joel stood there. He nodded his greeting to Jesse, a tight smile on his face.
“C’mon, kiddo, Tommy wants you to head back to the shop.” Joel said, repressing the sigh that wanted to leave his chest when you only nodded, stepping away from the window with a final glance outside.
“Well,” You said to Jesse, trying to muster up your best smile, “Duty calls, I guess. Feel better soon, okay?”
He called your name when you walked away, passing Joel as he stood beside the door, but you ignored it, feeling that weight grow heavier. Joel followed after you, a frown on his face.
You knew the route out already, and figured Joel was just the messenger, but he followed along, a few steps behind you as he limped on his injured leg. The wind was harsh when you opened the door, and you shivered when snow was immediately blown in your face. You lingered in the doorway, both hesitant to go out into the awful conditions, and feeling bad for leaving Joel hurrying on his bad leg.
Joel didn’t say it, but you knew he was here because Tommy didn’t want to see you. You couldn’t say you were surprised — not after just how angry Tommy had gotten. His face had been red, the steam pouring from his ears practically melting the snow around him, and it was the first time he had ever yelled at you.
“You doing okay?” Joel asked, hesitantly, as he paused in the doorway beside you, watching you as you wrapped your coat tighter around you. He knew that nothing was fixed, not even close, but there was something.
“I’m fine, Joel.” You replied, and he could hear the exhaustion in your voice, the way it pulled on your words. It was easier to hear than it was to see, but he just caught the slump to your shoulders, the way you held your eyes shut for a moment, before going to brave the snow.
He walked beside you as you headed towards the ceramics shop, your pace a touch slower than usual. You shoved your hands in your pockets, eyebrows creasing when you realised you must’ve taken your gloves off at some point. You tried not to sigh when you realised that they were probably lost, and just decided to chalk it up to another disappointment in an incredibly frustrating day.
When you arrived at the ceramics shop, it was a mission to get through all the snow that had started blocking the door. You would probably be snowed in, by nightfall. Joel helped you get rid of as much of it as possible, his gloved hands doing most of the work after your bare ones become too numb to continue.
You opened the door, feeling heavier than you had in months, and left the door open as you moved to the back of the shop, turning on the heater that sat there. You let your hands linger in front of it, just gritting your teeth at the sting that followed from warming them too quickly.
Joel lingered in the doorway, frowning at you, and furrowed his eyebrows as he called your name, watching your turn to face him. “I’m sorry.”
You gaped at him, stunned.
“You should have gotten a choice. It wasn’t my place to decide that for you, or to leave without havin’ a conversation.” He continued on, his words jumbling the slightest bit. “I still think you stayin’ was the best thing for you, the safest thing, but for whatever it might be worth, I am sorry.”
When your silence lingered, Joel nodded tersely, and stepped away, smiling tightly as he left the shop, shutting the door behind him. You blinked at the closed door, unsure what to do, unsure if you should have said something. But even if you should’ve, what would you have said?
It wasn’t okay, not in the slightest, and everything around you seemed to be crumbling. Tommy wasn’t speaking to you and Maria would be more than upset with you, too. Jesse was in the infirmary, and that was on you. And even as you looked around the ceramics shop, all you saw was cracked paint on the walls, and dust that settled no matter how many times you wiped it away.
Hell, even the misshapen plates and bowls on the shelves just made your chest hurt. You didn’t feel any sort of pride for this place, anymore, and it was painful. It stung at the deepest parts of you, and you just settled down on the dirty floor in front of the heater, holding your head in your hands as you blinked back tears.
Why did you think you could do this?
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Initially, you didn’t intend on avoiding Jesse.
In fact, you had plans to go and visit him the day after everything went to shit. It was just that when you opened the shop door, the outside looked far too unfriendly, and you knew his family would be in his infirmary room.
Perhaps it was a cowardly move, staying at the shop, locking the door and pretending the outside world of Jackson didn’t exist. Really, you were going to go and see him the next day. Swore to yourself that you would. But when the next day came, you didn’t even attempt to unlock the door to leave, figuring that it would be best to just leave him and his family to it. Dina was probably with him, too, so your absence wouldn’t be felt all too much.
Each day you said you would go, started with you justifying your staying in the shop. It went the same way, waking up and thinking you should go and see him, but the moment you got into the front of the shop, you thought better of it.
You blamed it on everything but what it actually was. Whether that be the snow, the heater in the shop that broke, the concept of him having quality time with his family… you used it all to reassure yourself that he didn’t need you by his side.
Besides, you knew he wouldn’t be in the infirmary for long. And by the fifth day, there was a knock against the shop door, barely heard over the howling wind outside. You remained in the back room, telling yourself it was probably nothing important, and after the heater broke, you couldn’t afford to open the door, anyway.
Even with the door closed, your breath misted in front of your face, and you had to rub your hands together more than once to generate heat, especially considering you seemed to have misplaced your gloves.
On day six, you kept all the lights off, and didn’t bother to poke your head around the doorframe to see who was knocking at the front door. After a few moments of loud knocking, his voice called out your name, and you were sure he was likely squinting through the shop window, trying to catch sight of you.
You barely even noticed the way you held your breath so it wouldn’t cloud the air, and alert him to your presence. You pretended the harsh exhale after he left was just a sigh of exhaustion. In some ways, you guessed it was.
By day seven, he knew what you were doing.
“Open the door,” Jesse yelled, still knocking wildly against the wood, and you were sure he was peeking in the window, too. “I’ve been to Tommy’s, the dinner hall, the greenhouses, the stables, hell — I even went to Joel’s. I know you’re here, stop hiding.”
You stayed in the back room.
After a while — much longer than you expected, especially given the still-awful weather — Jesse gave up, leaving the door at last. You frowned at the empty can of food in front of you, chest aching from the cold and everything that had happened over the past few days.
You hadn’t left the shop in the past seven days, surviving off of the short supply of long-life food in the cupboards. But that was your last can of it. As much as you knew you would have to leave, have to go get some more food in order to survive, you still didn’t want to. You didn’t want to see anyone, didn’t want them to see the shame that was so visible in the curve of your frown, the dip of your brows.
It made it easier to hide, knowing Jesse was the only person looking for you. There had been no sign of Tommy or Maria, which pained you, but didn’t surprise you. Part of you wondered if they’d ever speak to you again, but you didn’t want to linger on the question, too afraid of the answer.
It was day eight that you had no other choice — the temperatures were dropping even further, and with no heater it was becoming too cold for you to take. The need for heat and food led you to the dinner hall, which was surprisingly empty, and you settled at your usual table with a plate of cooked food, feeling the chill that had begun to settle in your bones fade.
Most people would be staying inside their homes, the cold too much to bear, so you were surprised when Ellie waltzed into the hall, eyes scanning the room as she made her way over to grab herself some food. You dipped your head when she began looking in your direction, and clutched at the fork in your hand, holding your breath.
“So you are alive.” Ellie drawled, settling down in the seat opposite you with her plate in front of her. “You know your friend has been coming ‘round for the past few days, won’t leave us alone.”
You shrugged, not knowing how to respond.
She sighed, poking at the food on her plate. “Thanks for going back for Joel, by the way.” She pretended not to see the way your head snapped up, eyebrows furrowed as you looked at her.
“I wouldn’t leave him to die out there,” You said, after a moment, the words hesitant as they left you. “Especially when he went to try and help me.”
Ellie nodded, shoving food into her mouth, and you quickly followed her action. The silence between the two of you stretched uncomfortably, and you hated how everything had changed. Why couldn’t they have just let you come with them? Why did they have to push you so far away?
“He’s a good guy,” Ellie said, a frown on her face. “He makes stupid decisions, but only because he cares about us.”
You looked at her, wondering when the two of you had grown up. You remember the jokes you had shared during your travels, the way she had been able to make you smile even when doing so seemed impossible. She had made life in the apocalypse almost bearable, and now here you were, sat at the same table, but miles apart.
“Maybe, but you were right about one thing. I don’t know what happened, so if you ever want to talk about it, I’ll listen.” You told her, instead of acknowledging her words about Joel. You didn’t want to think about him. You didn’t want to think about any of it.
It would be painful, you were sure, to hear about everything they had experienced. You could guess that a lot of it wouldn’t be pleasant, and it would likely hurt to hear about all the things you had missed out on, all the things that maybe you could’ve protected them from. But you were willing. It wasn’t forgiveness, it wasn’t a ticket back to being in each other’s lives, but it was progress.
And progress was all that you could offer, so it would have to do.
“I’ll, uh, keep that in mind.” Ellie said, a tight smile on her face as she looked at you, her eyebrows slightly raised in surprise at your words.
You nodded, and the two of you ate in silence.
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After stocking up on some more long-lasting cans of food, you were prepared to hunker down in the shop for a while longer. You hadn’t been able to trade for another blanket like you had hoped, but you weren’t all too surprised. With the stormy weather, everybody wanted more warming supplies.
You had survived worse conditions, though, in worse places. One harsh winter in Jackson wouldn’t kill you, even if your heater was broken, and you still hadn’t found your gloves.
The shop door was locked once again, and you had taped the bottom of it to try and stop the cold draft from seeping into the room. You considered bunkering down in the back room, taping the door shut and staying in there with all the blankets and layers you had, but you thought better of it. You wanted to be able to hear the front door with ease, still on edge after the ambush with Jesse, especially considering the raiding attacks that had slowly begun to ease off.
Despite whatever had gone wrong, however angry Tommy may be, you knew he’d rely on you if the time came. You were sure of it. Everything the two of you had built couldn’t have been toppled by this one event, right?
Your gun was still laid by the shop door, and your ammo never left the jacket you always wore. Just in case. If anything were to go wrong, you wanted to be ready.
The call of your name shook you from your racing thoughts, the contemplation of everything that could happen pausing as your head snapped up. Maria’s voice was loud, and she hadn’t knocked. You didn’t have a surname — didn’t know whoever came before you long enough for them to tell you, didn’t know everyone who came after long enough for them to share their own. So she settled on your first name, yelling it loudly.
“Open the door!” Maria demanded once again, kicking the bottom of it with her foot. “Come on, open it. You’re not fooling anybody, and it’s freezing out here, little Troy can’t stay out here too long.”
With a sigh, you stood. She knew how to get to you — bringing baby Miller was a harsh plan, especially because it gave you no choice but to let her in. Not that it was much warmer in the shop than it was outside, but she didn’t know that.
You unlocked the door, pulling it open just to fit yourself into the crack of it. Facing Maria was terrifying, because you didn’t know what to expect. Even as she held on to baby Troy Miller, who was bundled up in more layers than you could count, she was totally unpredictable. She could be in a motherly mood, or that merciless Jackson council member.
“Hi,” You said, nervously. “What’re you doing here?”
She raised her eyebrows, stepping forward until you’d opened the door for her to step inside of the shop. Maria’s stern expression immediately fell, and you could feel nerves building in your stomach.
“Is your heating out?” She asked, turning on you suddenly, harshly. When you nodded meekly, she handed Troy over to you, not faltering even when you opened your mouth to voice your confusion.
He babbled at you, a toothy grin on his face, and you held on to him tighter. It hit you then, how much you actually cared about these people. Your brain short-circuited when you thought about something bad happening to this family, and it made you feel sick. Suddenly, you were regretting the meal you had eaten with Ellie.
“Well, I think Jeremy should be able to fix it up.” Maria sighed, standing from where she had crouched down to inspect your broken heater. “But he’s way busy with other heater issues. Come on, you’ll stay with us.”
“Maria.” You urged, repeating her name another time when she didn’t answer you, too busy thinking about options and solutions, as always. “I’m fine. Go home.”
She sighed heavily, turning to you with that stern look she’d been wearing since the moment you were left behind in Jackson. “I know you and Tommy are going through a rough time, but he loves you, and if he knew you’d been living here with no heat?” Maria shook her head with scoffed laughter, not reaching for Troy even as you offered to hand him back, instead moving to pack some of your clothes into a bag. “Come on, let’s go home.”
“It’s not my home, Maria,” You said softly, perhaps the softest she had ever heard you.
It was disquieting, at the least, for you to behave in such a way. Throughout the whole time Maria had known you, you had been sharp edges and bitten words, even when you had grown to care for them, that hadn’t changed all that much. It was a constant, your stubborn attitude and harsh nature, always slamming doors shut too hard, always charring food when you were unsupervised, because you’d turn the heat up too high. You were impatient, practical, realistic. You weren’t soft.
Maria’s face curved into a frown, and she stopped her presumptive actions in packing up some of your things. She looked at you, looked at the lines that were beginning to dig into your expression, looked at the way your shoulders slumped as you held on to her son.
“Maybe not,” Maria offered, and looked around at the shop that was not as pristine as the last time she had seen it, before looking back to you. “It could be, though.”
You shook your head, sighing but not finding any relief from the action, only feeling the same tightness to your chest. “I’m not a Miller.” You said, and it was true, because the space behind your name remained as empty as ever, that absence something you had felt your whole life.
“You’re as much a Miller as I am, as he is.” Maria reasoned, gesturing towards her son in your arms as she looked at you. She didn’t want to say too much, didn’t want to overwhelm you, but you had practically been adopted by the two Miller brothers. Two men who were so far from perfect, who made so many mistakes that they almost lost you, who cared too much. Hell, even if you weren’t consciously aware of it, you had adopted their mannerisms and tendencies.
It showed in the way you held Troy, the same stance that Tommy used. It showed in the frown on your lips, that looked far too much like Joel’s to be a coincidence. The furrow between your brows reflected Joel and Tommy’s own, a crevice built from worrying and frustration and anger. You reminded Maria too much of how Tommy had been when they first found him — eyes glassy, lost, and without purpose.
She had seen the change in you since you had been left in Jackson, so many ups and downs, but you had been doing better. And now, here you were, looking more lost than you ever had.
“That’s not true, Maria.” You replied, tense. It wasn’t true — Troy was a Miller by blood, and Maria was a Miller by marriage. Both choices that Tommy had made. It wasn’t the same for you, it couldn’t be. Tommy had never chosen you — Joel had dropped you in his lap before running away, and didn’t that make you the furthest thing from a Miller?
“It is true.” Maria refuted, stepping forward to hold a hand firmly against your face. “You’re a Miller, no doubt about it. Now come on, we’d better get going. Got a lot to talk about.”
She was finishing shoving your things inside of the backpack at her feet in a few moments, and was swinging it over her shoulder before you could protest, making her way out of the door. Holding her son, what choice did you have but to follow?
The two of you were silent on your journey to Rancher Street, and you felt the nerves bubbling up from your stomach, leaving an unpleasant tingling in the back of your throat. It was tense, though that could have been all from you. You were still holding Troy, having him half buried in your jacket to make sure he wouldn’t be cold, despite the fact your jacket wasn’t the warmest.
When you arrived to her house, Tommy wasn’t there. She didn’t say anything, so you didn’t mention it, much preferring to ignore the issues that would likely arrive whenever he returned. Instead, you settled Troy down, removing some of his layers at the rush of warm air that came the moment you stepped through the door.
Your hands were tingling, in a strange state between feeling and numb after the sudden temperature change. You settled them under your legs when you sat down on the couch, Troy at your side as Maria clambered about the kitchen, having already dropped your bag down beside the sofa.
When she came back, it was with a steaming mug that you recognised — one of your very own design. It was a dark green, close to black, and had your poor recreation of a bear on it. You remembered thinking it was going to come out brown, remembered the shock when it was green.
She handed it over, and you used the hand with slightly more feeling to take it from her, holding it close to your chin to allow the steam to flow over your features, warming your nose. “So,” Maria said, drawing your attention from where you’d been keeping an eye on Troy, keeping the hot mug away from him. “First, you and Tommy fight, and then you ignore your best friend?”
You stared at her, teeth clenched in shock, and recalled the way Ellie had mentioned the boy. Clearly, he was pestering everybody who knew you. Maria’s eyebrows raised, looking expectantly at you.
“‘M not ignoring anybody.” You murmured, voice catching in your throat as you spoke, and you took a sip of boiling hot tea to get rid of the lump that had formed. The burn soothed you, in a strange way, warming your insides the slightest bit as you breathed steam.
“Mhm, is that why he’s been ‘round here, bugging us ever since he got out of the damn infirmary?” Maria asked, expression tightening slightly as you winced, and knew she had got you.
You shook your head, moving your other hand from underneath your leg to cradle the mug in both palms, breathing a relieved breath at the warmth finally reaching your fingers. “Doesn���t know how to stop, does he?” You said, moving your eyes to the swirling drink in the mug, not looking up even as Maria hummed. “I’ll tell him to leave you be.”
“Ah, but that would require talking to him, which you clearly haven’t been doing.” She told you, a slight teasing lilt to her voice, to make it seem less serious than it truly was.
Maria remembered the night you and Tommy had arrived home, with you shoving at his shoulder whilst he laughed loudly, a bright teasing smile on his expression. It was probably the lightest she had ever seen the two of you, with Tommy not feeling the weight of the world on his shoulders for just a moment, and you smiling like you hadn’t faced unspeakable things. She remembered the way you had scrambled to correct Tommy’s statements, whacking a hand against his forearm when he interrupted you.
She remembered Troy waking up from where she hadn’t long settled him down, and remembered the way you had immediately gone to calm him down after hissing a “Look what you’ve done now!” at Tommy, who had only laughed.
Maria remembered the way her head had settled against her husband’s shoulder, exhausted to her very bones, motherhood feeling much harder than she remembered. Especially with her aged bones, keeping up with a baby was more difficult than she remembered. She didn’t want to think about what it would be like when he could actually run around. Maria had just been grateful to have you there, to be able to rest with Tommy, trusting you to look after her son.
You challenged her motherly instincts, sure, but Troy was on another level — it was a lot more to deal with when your child wasn’t basically self-sufficient.
“I’m going to,” You said, though there was doubt in your voice. “I am.” You repeated, as if that would solidify your statement, as if it would make it any more truthful.
“Listen,” Maria sighed, saying your name, and waiting for you to look up from your mug before she continued. “I know what happened on that patrol. I know. And it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t anybody’s fault, so why are you ignoring Jesse?”
You swallowed, scratching a fingernail over a small crumb of clay that hadn’t gotten smoothed down before being fired. “I just… I care about him, and he could’ve died, Maria. Tommy was right, I—I was irresponsible, and I could’ve gotten us both killed.”
Maria shook her head immediately, picking Troy up when he began to fuss, and she stopped you. “No, Tommy was speaking from a place of anger. Of fear. You did everything right.” She affirmed, staring intensely at you, as if daring you to argue against her. “Except, maybe, going after Joel, but I know why you did that. I get it. If I had been in your position, if it were my…— I would’ve done the same thing.”
“I just didn’t want him to die, because of me.” You said, voice quiet again, and Maria’s heart ached for you, something squeezing so tightly in her chest that it physically hurt. “I don’t want Tommy to hate me forever, either.” You added after a few quiet moments, eyes following a bubble around the edge of the mug.
“He doesn’t hate you, kid, not at all. He was scared, he didn’t want to lose you.” Maria reasoned, but you still didn’t feel better, not after just how angry he had gotten. Not after he had practically shoved you out of his sight, the moment he was done yelling, unable to even look at you. Not after he had sent Joel as a messenger, refusing to speak to you himself.
“Maybe,” You offered, because it was the best you could do. You couldn’t agree with her, couldn’t disagree, either. The only person who would actually be able to decide those things was Tommy — and he was nowhere to be found. “I’ll talk to Jesse.” You decided to say, in the end, hands gripping tighter on the mug. Just saying it aloud made it seem all the more real, and you regretted it a moment afterwards, thoughts stuck on what Jesse would say, what his family would say.
“Good.” Maria said, nodding at you, “He’s a good kid, he deserves to know his friend is still here.” She stood to her feet, heading to the kitchen with Troy in her arms, waiting for her to feed him.
Twenty minutes later, when Maria had gone upstairs to put Troy down for a nap, the front door banged open, a rush of cold air being let in.
“Maria!” Tommy yelled out, his voice panicked, and you could hear him shuffling through his bag in the still-open doorway. With furrowed brows, you placed the cold mug down on the floor beside the sofa, standing up and making your way to peek into the hallway. “Maria, you here?” He shouted again, more desperate this time, and when you finally saw him, you saw that he had snow still clinging to him, and he had brought clumps of it in on his boots, slowly melting puddles on their floor.
“Tommy?” You questioned quietly, both not wanting to speak to him, but also getting increasingly concerned by his behaviour. His head snapped up to you, and he blinked in surprise, his shoulders slumping and hands pausing in their rummaging.
“Oh, thank god.” Tommy said, approaching you quickly and wrapping his arms around you tightly before you could get a word in. You blinked, shocked, and slowly wrapped your own arms around the man, who just held your head closer to him in return. “You scared the shit outta me.” He admitted, a slight tremor to his voice. He breathed out a heavy sigh, arms squeezing, and you wanted to look at him to express your confusion.
“Is everything okay?” Maria asked, a slight panic to her own voice, but she relaxed at the image before her. Tommy’s eyes opened as he rested his head on your own, and he looked to his wife as he nodded gently.
He moved away from you slightly, hands moving to hold your shoulders tightly, finally able to see your confused face. He sighed, his shoulders dropping like they had been holding the weight of the world. “I went to the shop, wanted to apologise. Couldn’t find you or your things, and it was freezing.” Tommy told you, his head dropping until his chin rested against his chest for a moment. “Thought you left.”
His arms pulled you back to his chest, and you didn’t resist him, though your heart was racing in your chest, blood rushing in your ears.
Maria frowned, “I didn’t know you were going. The heater’s broken, so I told her to stay with us.”
Tommy nodded again, his breath held in his chest as he let his heart rate calm down. You let him hold on to you until he was ready to let go, just keeping your face hidden in his shoulder as your arms wrapped loosely around him, fingers numb from the cold once again.
When he finally released you, you took a small step back, cheeks warm with remaining shame from your last conversation with the man. The rest of you, however, was freezing, especially since you had removed your multitude of layers in the warm house. Tommy frowned as you shivered, cursing under his breath as he turned to shut his front door, his frown deepening when he saw the water covering the hallway in front of the door.
He waved Maria away when she gave him a stern look, and she nodded once she saw his expression, smiling tightly at you before heading back upstairs to settle Troy back down, after he had been fussing from his father’s shouting.
Tommy turned to where you stood, hands wrung together to try and generate some more warmth between your digits. He sighed again, a seemingly very common thing for him at the moment, and he stood up straighter to talk to you.
“I’m sorry,” He told you, his voice reflecting his words in its apologetic tone. “I should never have spoken to you the way I did. Wasn’t fair of me to blame you for things that weren’t your fault. Or for me to judge you for doin’ exactly what I would’ve. What I should’ve.”
You stared at him, at the way his hands clenched and unclenched into fists at his sides, a slightly nervous habit, you had noticed.
“Tommy, you were right,” You responded, continuing on even as he shook his head, “I messed up, and I could’ve gotten Jesse, or Joel, or even myself killed.”
“No.” He said firmly, reaching out and holding onto your shoulders once again, his grip tight as if you might slip away. “I was wrong. You hear me? I should have been proud, proud that you were so brave, that you saved your friend and your— and Joel. I should have been proud that you made your way back, that you did it without some old shithead tellin’ you what to do.” He rambled on, shutting his eyes and looking almost regretful.
You ducked your head, feeling far too emotional, a lump formed in your throat at his words. Just somebody who you looked up to, who you trusted, telling you that you hadn’t done anything wrong… it was almost too much.
As many mixed feelings as you may have had over the whole situation, the most prevalent one was guilt. It had been surrounding you, weighing so heavily on you, hell, you didn’t even realise how much it had been pulling you down until Tommy came in, lifting it all off of your shoulders.
“You did good, kid.” He told you, squeezing your shoulders, and you hated the way your lip started trembling.
“Stop, you’re gonna make me cry.”
Tommy laughed, the sound watery and almost broken off, “You can cry as much as you want.” He pulled you in, feeling your arms squeeze around his middle as he held on to you so tightly, he was almost sure he’d never let go again.
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
Your closed fist was raised up to the door, a hair’s width away from making contact with it, but you had frozen. And it wasn’t because of the cold.
There was something that had settled heavily in your stomach, making your whole body feel heavy and slow. You felt, distantly, like you might throw up with the way it was sitting, but tried not to think on it too much. You were aware of the way your chest was rising and falling, almost too aware, and you tried to put it out of your mind as you attempted to steel yourself.
“You gonna knock, or are you just gonna keep standing there, looking stupid?” A voice asked from behind you, making you spin on your heels, fist pulled away from the door. You held a hand against your chest, breathing a heavy sigh as you saw the culprit of the scare.
“You’re an asshole.” You murmured, eyes studying your beaten up boots that were covered in melting snow. You looked up to him, and felt some relief when you saw Jesse crack a slight smile at your reaction. It faded far too quickly for your liking.
“So?” He prompted, eyebrows raising at you.
You frowned, repressing the urge to grumble at him, but you knew that he should’ve been the one angry at you. Hell, he probably was. “I just came to say… I’m sorry.”
“For…?”
“Are you kidding?” You asked, annoyed. But when his expression didn’t budge, you sighed through your nose. “Okay. I’m sorry for ignoring you after the infirmary, and I’m sorry you got put into the infirmary at all.” You said, looking back down the where the melting snow was seeping into the hole at the side of your boots. You should probably get new ones.
Jesse didn’t say anything for a moment, and you picked at your fingernails while you stared at the ground, your nerves sending your pulse into a fluttery mess.
Finally, you heard him snickering, and your head snapped up. “Well, I just can’t believe this. You, apologising?” You glared as his smile slowly grew, though you knew that the whole thing wasn’t quite solved, at least it was good to know that Jesse was still acting his usual asshole self with you. “Come on, you little asshole.” He said, gesturing for you to follow him. You did.
He glanced at you every so often, shaking his head at your stoic expression.
The two of you arrived at the dining hall soon enough, standing in the queues silently whilst waiting to collect food, until Jesse nudged you and led you over to the table you so often shared.
“You do realise I would never blame you for something that happened on patrol, right?” He asked, eyebrow raised as he awaited your response, shovelling food into his mouth as if he was starving. He reminded you an awful lot of Ellie, in that way. You wondered if they had met.
With a roll of your eyes, “Well, now, yeah. Do we have to talk about this? I said sorry, didn’t I?” You murmured the last part, shovelling your own food into your mouth, refraining from rolling your eyes again when Jesse snickered at you.
“How could I forget? You prefer to brood rather than talk about your feelings.” He responded.
“Okay, I don’t brood—”
“Yes, you do—”
“And do you enjoy talking about… feelings?” You said, ignoring his interruption. He stared at your raised eyebrows, the expectant look on your face.
“Sometimes, I do.”
“Maybe when it comes to—”
“Dina!” Jesse said in a high pitched tone, cutting you off and looking at you with widened eyes. You looked behind you, seeing the girl of the hour approaching your table, an amused look in her eye. She nudged you with a grin as she walked past, sitting on your left and smiling widely at Jesse’s surprised expression.
After settling down, she looked back up to meet Jesse’s eyes. “What? Cat got your tongue?”
You snorted out a laugh, not expecting to hear such an old expression coming from her — it sounded like something Joel might say. Jesse glared at you, unamused by the grin you and Dina shared.
“Yeah, Jesse.” You goaded, smiling at his indignant huff. “Not want to talk about feelings, anymore?” You asked. You leaned backwards as he swiped his arm out, trying to knock the cutlery from your hand as it was heading towards your mouth. Dina laughed at his failed attempt.
“So you two are talking again, then?” Dina said when her laughing faded, and you glared at the way Jesse grinned, unhappy with the fact he was telling her such things. You supposed that you couldn’t blame him — after all, you had spoken to Maria about it. It just so happened that Jesse was your only friend your actual age.
“Unfortunately.” You grumbled, eyes narrowed at the man.
“Unfortunately,” Jesse mocked, making a face at you. “Somebody finally came to their senses!” He said, after he was done poking at his food as he frowned at you.
“Somebody is having regrets about it.” You responded in turn, smiling sarcastically at him.
“Back to normal, then.” Dina concluded, smiling when the two of you nodded. She didn’t know you all too well, but from the time she had spent with you in Jesse’s infirmary room, she was a fan. You clearly cared about Jesse, way more than you would admit, and she could admire that.
You looked at Jesse, “Back to normal.” He echoed, smiling at you.
You pretended that the sigh you let out wasn’t one of relief.
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
“You should really clean this place up, you know.” Jesse commented as you unlocked the door to the pottery shop, his eyes scanning around the room, the chill to the air making him shove his hands in his pockets. He looked at the dust covering the surfaces you usually cut clay on and raised his eyebrows.
“Well, I’ve been a bit busy.” You replied, moving to the newly fixed heater that Tommy had brought over when he walked you back to the shop that very morning.
“Oh, yeah, avoiding me.” Jesse said, grinning mischievously when you shot him an annoyed look over your shoulder, focusing on turning the heater on, placing your freezing hands in front of it when it finally started shooting out some warmth. You sighed at the sting, just glad to feel your hands once again.
You sat down on a dusty stool, turning to Jesse when he sat down beside you, relishing in the heater that was finally working. “Okay, so maybe I’m not the best with… feelings.”
“No kidding,” Jesse snorted, his smile fading when you stared at him, deadpan. “Sorry, go on.”
“But I can say that I do care about you. Sometimes. When you don’t piss me off.” You told him, drawing in a shaky breath that filled your lungs with cold air. “I just… relationships are complicated, you know? And painful, a lot of the time. I didn’t wanna go through that again, I guess, but you’re persistent.”
Jesse smiled as you spoke, somewhat amused by your words, but even you could see the softness to it. The absence of that teasing edge his grin usually held. It was reassuring.
“If this is about Joel—” Jesse attempted, shutting his mouth when you cut him off.
“—It’s not about him.” You interrupted, quickly, the back of your neck feeling hot despite the heater being quite far from you. “Or maybe it is, I don’t know.” You added on, after thinking about it for a second. You generally tried not to think of Joel, or the whole situation with him and Ellie, but could it really have effected you that much? It’s not like Joel was the first person you had lost.
He was the first to walk away without a fight, though.
A small part of you fought that fact, because he came back. Did that not mean anything?
“Can I speak yet?” Jesse asked, a slight teasing lilt to his voice. It brought you out of your thoughts, and you smiled despite the topic at hand. With a nod from you, Jesse went on, “Thanks. I’m just saying, maybe Joel isn’t all that bad. I’m not defending what he did, but the guy clearly cares about you.”
“So I should just— just forgive him? For leaving me?” You asked, looking at Jesse as if he had all the answers.
“I don’t know, that’s up to you,” He said. “Maybe you don’t need to forgive him. Maybe it’s time to just… move on with your life. Forget about what he did, and focus on what he can do. You miss him, don’t you?”
You frowned, looking away from the intensity of Jesse’s gaze. The two of you were friends, yes, and he was the closest friend you’d ever had, maybe besides Ellie. But being so open, it was strange. Likely the effect of the apocalyptic world you lived in, and perhaps it was another difference between that world and the little safe haven of Jackson, Wyoming.
“‘Course I do. He and Tess… they were everything I had.” You replied, your eyebrows creasing at the thought of the woman, at the memory of your life in Boston QZ. It made you realise that it had been a while since Maria had cut your hair, and Tess would’ve chastised you for not reminding her to cut it if you had let it gotten this long in Boston.
It all felt so far away.
When you thought of Tess, your heart ached. Though, it wasn’t quite the same as it had been on your journey with Joel and Ellie. You felt her absence, maybe more than ever, but it wasn’t all bitter. You felt… appreciative of her. She may be gone, but at least you got to have her for a time.
You really wished that she could’ve seen this place, though. You often wondered if she would’ve liked pottery.
Joel would probably know.
“Tess may be gone, but Joel isn’t. Not anymore.” Jesse reminded you, hesitant in his words. You realised that you had never really told him, or anyone, about Tess.
“Y’know, if Tess were here, she’d probably tell me to get over myself,” You laughed at the thought, a sad, watery laugh, but Jesse smiled with you despite not knowing the woman. “She’d kick Joel’s ass, though.”
“Is that even possible? Joel’s like… badass, man.”
“Nobody was more badass than Tess. She was awesome. Used to boss Joel around, all the time, she ran half of the smuggling underground at Boston.” You smiled when Jesse raised his eyebrows, surprised. “And she used to cut my hair. Always told me it was better to keep my hair short, even though she had long hair.”
“Bit hypocritical, isn’t it?” Jesse asked, humour in his words.
You shrugged, “Think she was just trying to keep me safe, in her own way. Tess didn’t want to keep me, to start with. Joel convinced her.”
The more you thought about it, the more you realised that it really was because of Joel that you were allowed to stay with the two of them. You remember hearing them argue on a few occasions, something about a great family that Tess knew nearby. But Joel had never let you go too far.
He’d told you about Tess’s family, though it wasn’t really his place to do so. He had done it in an attempt to comfort you one night when you were young, after you had gotten upset at Tess disregarding you yet again. Joel had explained that she didn’t like getting attached to anybody, especially kids, after she lost her own child. He had told you that it was what they had bonded over, at the start.
“Sounds like this Joel guy really wanted you around, huh?” Jesse said teasingly, only grinning when you narrowed your eyes at him.
“Shut up, you asshole, when the hell did you get all wise?” You asked, glaring at him as he feigned an innocent look. You cracked first, smiling at his expression, feeling a softness to the grin as he matched it with one of his own.
“Distance makes the heart grow wiser, I guess.”
“It’s fonder, Jesse. It makes the heart grow fonder.”
“Shut up, I’m the wise one here.”
You looked at Jesse then, as the two of you shared a laugh, and you wondered if this is how friendship felt before the apocalypse, or if that warm feeling in your chest was exclusive to post-apocalyptic relationships.
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
“Didn’t think you’d be coming back here.” Joel commented gruffly as he made his way to the kitchen with a nervous energy about him.
“Me neither,” You said idly, watching him fumble around the kitchen. You wondered if it was just a Miller thing, being terrible in the kitchen. It certainly seemed like something Joel and Tommy had in common, but you hadn’t really thought about it when Joel had asked if you wanted some tea, in a bit of a panic at your presence.
He didn’t say anything in response to that, seemingly mulling your words over. Joel didn’t really know what to make of your presence, certainly not expecting to see you at his front door when he opened it.
“Oh, wait,” You said suddenly, causing him to look over to you in the doorway from where he had been about to put tea in the two mugs in front of him. You pulled your backpack around on your shoulder, digging through it for a moment before pulling out a bag. Joel’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked between you and the bag, waiting for an explanation. “Look.” You said, handing it over to him.
He took the bag, opening it up and unable to help the grin that broke onto his face at the sight of coffee beans, the scent of them immediately soothing some of the man’s tension.
“Where’d you get these?” Joel asked you, his voice lighter than you had heard it since Boston. The sound of it made you grin, despite everything.
“Found ‘em on a patrol, a while ago. Been hiding them from Tommy, so don’t tell him.” You responded, realising that this was probably the lightest conversation you and Joel had held for a very long time. How long had it been?
“Wouldn’t dream of it. He’s a thief, always has been.” Joel said, smiling. “Right, the tea.” He said after a moment, placing the bag of coffee beans beside the mugs he’d set out.
You snickered as you noticed the mugs, grinning as Joel turned to you in question. “Seems like Tommy’s not the only thief in the family.” You said, gesturing toward the white and orange mug he’d placed down, recognising it from the batch you’d given Tommy and Maria.
Joel, at least, had the decency to look slightly embarrassed about stealing the orange coloured owl mug you had made and gifted to his brother. Either that, or embarrassed about getting caught. It had slipped his mind, really, more of a habit to grab it out of the cupboard, considering it was the one he used all the time.
He opened his mouth to try and craft some sort of defence, but felt any words he might’ve had die on his tongue as he turned to you. Seeing you smiling, well, it wasn’t exactly an unfamiliar sight. You often smiled at Tommy and Maria when he caught sight of you with the two of them, hell, you smiled a lot around that friend of yours, Jesse. Joel even remembers the times you would smile back in Boston, even though life in the QZ was much harder than life in Jackson.
But it had been a long time since Joel had seen you smile in his presence.
Each time you and Joel interacted after he had left you behind, your face had a way of falling, of crumpling in on itself before it hardened, staring at him with an expression of stone.
It had his heart aching in his chest, finally seeing you smile around him. He hadn’t realised quite how much he had missed it.
“What’s wrong?” You asked, after he stayed silent for a moment too long, the smile on your face fading into something of confusion. Joel shook himself out of his melancholy thoughts, clearing his throat and offering up his best smile in return.
“Nothin’,” Joel answered. “Nothin’ at all.”
You let his response linger in the air between the two of you for a few moments, and it seemed that the both of you were thinking of how life used to be. You were a long way from Boston.
“I could’ve made you your own, y’know.” You said, after a the silence stretched on, reaching out and picking up the mug he had stolen, looking at all the imperfections that had seemed invisible, all that time ago when you had made it. You’d like to believe you were much better in your craft, now.
“I like this one, just fine.” Joel responded, plucking it from your hands with a raised eyebrow. You snickered at his actions, moving to look around the kitchen, missing the soft grin stretched over the man’s face.
“God, you fixed that?” You asked suddenly, taking a wide step to look at the slight imperfection on the countertop, where you remember carving a deep gash in the material one night by shattering a particularly heavy plate upon the counter. You were almost sure it wasn’t fixable, that perhaps it could look better, but would always be extremely noticeable.
Joel nodded, back to his task of sorting out tea, but spoke when realising you were faced away from him. “Oh, yeah. Took me a couple tries, though.”
You hummed in response, going back to looking around the kitchen that you remembered so well. Most of the damage you had caused on the room had been fixed, which created a strange feeling in your chest, though you couldn’t tell quite what it was. Relief? Disappointment?
It wasn’t as hard to be in this house as you had expected it to be. You were awaiting that crushing feeling in your chest, that emptiness that left your ribs aching. Surprisingly, you felt… light, almost.
Joel didn’t know exactly what to expect.
On one hand, he wanted to feel hopeful, to belief that this would be the beginning of your relationship with him healing. But then on the other hand, he was reminded of just how much he had hurt you, of the tears that had spilled from your eyes when he had left you behind, the grit of your teeth when he had returned. He tried his best not to expect anything at all, to just remain… happy that you were here, in this moment.
Even if there were no other moments like this one.
He tried not to focus on how much that thought hurt.
“You and Ellie settled in, then?” You asked, trying to fill the silence in the room. There was also that part of you that wanted to know, that wanted to know everything.
Joel repressed the sigh that built in his chest. “Gettin’ there. She, uh, she’s had a tough time, but you know Ellie. She loves to be gettin’ into everybody’s business.” He refrained from looking in your direction when he asked you the same question. “You settled in alright here?” He wanted to add more on, but thought it best not to try his luck.
“I guess so.” You responded, thinking of how different your life was now, to how it was back in Boston, or even to how it was when you were on the road with Joel and Ellie. “It was… tough at first, but Tommy and Maria were good to me. And I got the shop, so.”
“And that boy?” Joel asked, trying to remain casual, though you heard the suspicion.
You smiled at his question, at the way he avoided looking at you. Back in Boston, when you had been much, much younger, Joel had tried to get the thought into your brain that boys were bad. He was protective of you, and distrustful towards the world. You couldn’t blame him.
“Jesse? He’s, uh, he’s my best friend.” You told the man, shaking your head at the way his shoulders relaxed the smallest bit. “He’s a good guy, you know. I care about him.”
As protective as Joel was, though he knew that he didnt really have any right to be, he couldn’t deny that it was nice that you had a friend your age. That you could count on someone, could trust someone, out of your immediate circle. He remembers that you had been lonely in the QZ, with only him and Tess for company, nobody your age that you could speak to or trust.
It had been a relief, almost, when you and Ellie had developed a friendship on the journey. Joel only hoped that the two of you could have that again.
“I’m happy for you, kiddo.” Joel responded, the nickname coming out almost like a reflex, like it was involuntary. It was what he had always called you, though, so you weren’t surprised.
“Jesse, uh— it was actually Jesse’s idea for me to come here.” You said, and Joel couldn’t deny the relief that spread through him when you didn’t immediately reject the nickname, or pull away at the sound of it.
Joel floundered for a moment, looking for something to say, eventually settling on uttering a quiet, “Sounds like a smart kid.”
You smiled, taking the mug off of Joel as he finally finished making the tea, avoiding your eyes. “I guess.” You replied, cradling the warm ceramic mug tightly in your hands. “Somehow, he seems to know what I need to hear, before even I know.” You said, humour coating your fond tone.
Joel smiled. “Sounds familiar. Tess was always like that, with me.”
It was one of the first times Joel had openly mentioned her name since she died. For some reason, it made your shoulders feel much lighter, like the burden of not being able to talk about her had been weighing you down.
“I miss her.” You confessed, looking for his reaction.
“I do, too, kiddo.” Joel admitted, his words softer than you had ever heard them. You thought about what it must’ve been like for him, to lose the companion he had held as close as he dared for close to two decades. You couldn’t imagine.
You hesitated, opening your mouth, before closing it again, only going ahead when Joel gave you a reassuring nod. “You knew her much better than I ever did.”
“I suppose.”
“Do you think you could… I don’t know, just— just tell me about her, one day?” You asked, the hope in your words making Joel’s heart ache.
“‘Course. I’ll tell you whatever you’d like to know.” Joel said, smiling gently at you, nodding his head towards the living room, a soft look on his face as he sat down beside you on the couch. “Ask away, kiddo.”
You were quiet for a moment, feeling lighter than you had possibly your whole life. “Do you think she’d like pottery?” You asked, sharing a knowing smile with Joel. He laughed at the concept, something so amusing about the idea of Tess Servopoulos, the renowned smuggling boss, sitting in your shop and making dinnerware.
“If it was with you, I reckon she’d have liked anything.” Joel responded, something truthful to his words.
You smiled, and asked more about her.
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
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Your Bear
summary: Joel Miller doesn’t just lose Sarah that night but his other daughter too. but maybe you can still be found. (part II)
Joel Miller x daughter!reader -- she/her pronouns used & AFAB
warnings: guns, violence, angst, mentions of death, birth, hurt/comfort, happy ending ;) (kinda), no spoilers for part 2/canon divergent
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word count: 3.2k
Joel Miller was always a good father - no matter what he thought. He cared for his girls more than he cared about anything in his damn life. So when they were both taken from him... there was nothing left to care about.
It was Sarah first.
He held Sarah as she died. His shirt was still stained with her blood. The watch on his wrist shattered by his failure.
But his other daughter, you, looking back he can only imagine the worst.
It all happened so fast. He had Sarah in his arms she gasped for air that was growing distant by the second, while Tommy watched with a pained look.
You, however, no one was watching you. Only 5 years old - you didn’t understand a thing. And so when you heard a loud noise. When you saw your sister go down and hearing the cries of both your father and her you panicked.
You thought you were getting help. That’s what’s your dad always told you to do if something bad happened. “Find the nearest phone or adult. Call me or Tommy or this number, okay? 911. Remember that number babygirl.”
And you did.
You ran as quick as you could, which wasn’t all that impressive but it was fast enough for them not to notice you had gone.
By the time you had found your way back into town, Tommy had noticed. “J-Joel,” His voice wavered, fear taking hold. Tommy searched the clearing, calling your name.
Joel looked away from his limp daughter then. His heart was thumping in his chest. His ribs ached as did the wound on his side but nothing compared to the terror that tore through his whole body.
“W-where is she?” His eyes darted over the area but you were no where to be found.
“No, Tommy,” He sobbed already fearing the worst, “T-tommy not her, please.”
Tommy shuddered. This couldn’t be real. This wasn’t real. You were just here. Sarah was just here.
“Joel,” He began until he heard shrill, painfully familiar scream from off in the distance.
“No,” Joel cried looking down at Sarah, hesitating just for a moment before setting her down, “I’m sorry baby.”
Tommy was already running at that point, hoping not to be late, not like he was for Sarah. Joel screamed your name as he sprinted - he couldn’t lose anyone else. He couldn’t lose you, his babygirl.
When he got there he saw Tommy knelt beside a bloodied teddy bear.
Your bear.
He collapsed. Knees giving way. He pulled the bear of the ground, its white fur tormented by the red hue.
Tommy shouted your name a few times. Joel didn’t have the energy to bother. His answer was here.
You were only five. You’d never have survived on your own.
And he would never survive without you, without his girls. He hugged the bear as if it was your body and he never let go.
x
“Why’d you have a bear in your bag?” Ellie teased as she caught sight of an fluffy ear sticking out.
Joel clenched his jaw, stuffing the teddy back inside. “What?” She laughed innocently, “Is it for your bad dreams? Chase the monsters away?”
The man grunted, discarding the bag on one of the chairs - away from Ellie’s view, “None of your business.”
Ellie frowned as she caught his eye. The brown was darker than usual, which was really saying something. They were empty, hollow but at the same time watery. Like he was one step away from crying. She shook the thought off - this was Joel she was talking about. Joel never cried, not in front of her - not really... She didn’t even think he could cry. But his eyes told her something else. They told an unspoken story. One she wasn’t sure she wanted to know. But one, at the same time, she needed to hear.
“Sorry,” She mumbled, moving into the living room of the house Tommy and Maria had given them.
Joel sighed as she did, guilt running through his veins. “Sorry,” He called out, gruffly, stopping her in her escape. Ellie turned back waiting for him to continue. “it was...” He cleared his throat roughly, “The bear was my daughters.”
“Oh,” She whispered, looking up at the man with sympathy, “If i had known it was Sarah’s... i wouldn’t have said anything.”
Joel sucked in a breath, turning towards the cupboards behind him, grabbing a cup. “Wasn’t hers,” He corrected trying not to let his voice catch on the lump forming in his throat.
“What?” Ellie dared a step closer, “But Sarah was... is your daughter.” Joel bit his tongue, forcing himself to face her again. “Joel?”
He let out a watery sigh, eyes set on the ground, “I had... i had another daughter.” He spoke your name softly but with fear. He hadn’t said it in years - he couldn’t. He hadn’t spoken about you in nearly 20 years either. He hated to talk about you. It was hard enough letting Ellie in, letting her know about his past, about Sarah. But it was too hard to say your name. You were only a baby. His baby.
“I didn’t know. You never mentioned her,” Ellie almost felt guilty asking - like this was something she should’ve known. That she should’ve known wasn’t something you just bring up.
“Yeah,” He scrunched his face a little, the feeling of your loss rushing back.
He thought and he believed for a time that if he didn’t talk about you, about the way he failed you then all that hurt would go away. He was wrong. He saw you every night in his dreams. He saw the woman you grew up to become. He saw your smile and heard your laugh. But then he’d wake up alone. He was always alone.
The worst was when the dream felt real. You were a baby again, Sarah was young too. It was just the three of you. You’d be doing something mundane - watching TV, eating dinner, whatever. He’d have conversations with the pair of you, forgetting that none of it was real. He’d hold you to his chest, sing to you, make you laugh. He’d dance with Sarah to their beat up radio in the kitchen. He would watch you take your first steps, say your first words, form your first smile.
But he’d always wake up. He hated waking up.
“How old was she?” She dared to ask.
Shakily he replied, “Five.”
She fell silent after that. Five. Five years old. Joel lost a five year old - no wonder he didn’t want to talk about it, idiot.
Ellie thought for a moment, a question daring to fall from her lips. “But she’s wasn’t on the memorial at Tommy’s.”
Joel’s head snapped up, anger residing in his chest. Who he was mad at he didn’t know. Himself? Tommy? Ellie? You? “Tommy... he,” He huffed, “He doesn’t believe she’s gone. Holds out hope on that fucking plaque - fuckin’ delusional.”
Ellie leant against the countertop, eyes not leaving the man for just a second, “Why would he think that?”
“No body,” His voice was cold all of a sudden as if it meant nothing at all. As if he wasn’t talking about the body of his five year-old.
“But then she could be-“
“Don’t,” He snapped, “Don’t say another word.”
Ellie rolled her eyes but complied. Joel turned back to his cup, filling it with coffee he had just traded for. He didn’t speak until he was finished and even then he wished he hadn’t.
“We heard her scream... And we found-“ He grimaced, gesturing to his bag, “And we found that damn bear.”
“But,” She tried again.
“Ellie-“
“No, seriously, if all you found was a bear she could still be-“
Without another word, Joel stormed past her, ripping the bag open, slamming the bear onto her chest.
Ellie saw it now.
She understood the haunting look in his eyes. She understood the story it told. It was matted, showed its age. What once was white was red now.
All of it.
Not just a patch here and there.
Everywhere.
It reminded her of Joel.
“That look like she could be alive to you?” He shouted.
“Fuck,” She felt sick just looking at it let alone touching it.
“You kept it?” A voice called from behind her.
Joel met his brothers eyes. “‘Course i did,” He spoke defensively.
“Joel,” He simpered. They stared at each other for a while. Almost like they were having a silent conversation.
Until Joel spoke, “It’s all i have of her left.”
And there was nothing else to say.
x
Years had gone by since they had gotten to Jackson. And things were surprisingly good. Eerily good. It was the type of good that Joel knew deep down wouldn’t last. It was the type of good that only existed before this mess.
Every morning he would wake up here he had a weight on his chest. A feeling that something was going to happen. This was the calm before the storm, he’d remind himself.
He didn’t tell anyone about it. He couldn’t. He’d just sound paranoid.
Him and Ellie were on a run. It was simple - it always was. The people in charge at the commune never liked to overstep - go to far. Never liked to do what Joel craved.
All they had to do was scope out a few cabins that were spotted deep in the woods. Ellie had jumped at the proposition as soon as Tommy had suggested it. She hated being cooped up for so long - Jackson could only give you so much freedom.
And just because Ellie agreed he knew he had to as well. There was no way in hell he’d let her go out risking her life when there was no way he’d be able to save it.
Getting there was the easy part. The horses at Jackson were a godsend. When they got there the place was still. Ellie gave Shimmer a soft pat before joining Joel who was stalking up to the door. He knocked first - not out of curtesy, just to attract any infected that it may hold. Because that’s what they expected. But Joel should’ve known better.
Joel should’ve thought about their biggest threat - people.
They had only cleared two rooms when Joel felt the cold sting of mental on his temple.
Ellie gasped but kept her gun up, eyes trained on the figure that held Joel’s life in their hands. “Put it down,” The voice ordered.
“Like hell I will,” Ellie retorted, finger edging closer to the trigger.
“I said put it down or the old man gets it,” She forced the barrel against his head - so hard he was sure it would bruise.
“Jesus, fuck, okay,” Ellie mumbled, slowly setting her gun on the floor infront of her, “Just let him go?”
The woman laughed, “So you can kill me, yeah, no thanks.”
“We can work this out,” Joel tried, hands raising to show he was unarmed but it only aggravated her more. Her arm wrapped around his neck, making him stumble back into a chokehold.
“Hey!” She yelled at Ellie as she reached for a gun. The teen stopped, taking a few steps back.
“Just put it down. We can work this out,” Joel proposed, gasping as she applied pressure to his neck, “We don’t want to hurt you.”
“Bullshit,” She spat, breathing heavily, “What the fuck else are you here for then, huh?”
“Supplies,” Ellie told her, “We’re from a commune-“
“Ellie-“
“We can take you back there - help you. If you just put the gun down.”
“Bullshit,” The woman removed the gun from Joel’s head aiming it now at Ellie, “You’ll kill me the first chance you get.”
Ellie shook her head, going to respond before Joel gripped the woman’s arm flipping her over. She gasped as she forcefully hit the ground, splinters from the wooden floor embedded into her spine.
Her breathing picked up, hand scrambling to get to the gun he had knocked out of her hand but a foot stopped her.
Joel’s boot pressed harshly against her wrist, “Don’t.”
“Christ Joel,” Ellie huffed, “You scared the fuck out of me.” Joel watched her as she reached down to get her discarded gun. Ellie laughed as she caught her breath, “Where the hell did that come from? You’re like 80.”
“Ellie,” He scolded with a strict look.
“Right, sorry,” She chuckled.
“So this is when you kill me then,” The woman heaved, chest rising and falling rapidly.
Joel turned to her then, catching her eyes for the first time. He faltered, boot leaving her wrist as he took a step back.
She was a spitting image of... you.
No.
“Shouldn’t’ve tried to kill us, i guess,” Ellie retorted humourlessly.
“You came into my house,” She shot back.
“This is your house,” Ellie muttered, “Needs some work. Right, contractor?” She shot a look over her shoulder at Joel. The man was pale, breathless. His eyes were trained on his attacker with a foreign look she couldn’t decipher.
“Joel?”
“Name,” He ordered, gun pointed down at her but both of them could see it shake.
“What?” She coughed, struggling to understand the strangers.
“Your name, what is it?” He yelled.
“Jesus,” She almost let herself laugh - she would’ve if she wasn’t so shit scared.
Joel gave her a stern look so she said it. She spoke your name.
Ellie’s lips parted, confusion leaving her face, “Holy shit.”
Joel’s expression crumbled as did the grip on his gun, which now hung loosely at his side. “Last name?” He asked, voice a mere whisper.
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Answer.”
“It’s Miller, Christ,” She answered, “What the hell is the matter with you people?”
Joel’s knees felt weak, his breath caught in his throat. This wasn’t real. This couldn’t be real. You died. You were gone.
“Joel is she-“
“Stand up,” He told you.
Hesitantly you did as he said, struggling slightly as your injuries caught up to you. Seeing this Joel stepped forward, hand outstretched. With an odd look in your eye you took it - ignoring how the mans eyes lingered on it for a second too long.
“Are you alone?” Fearfully you shook your head. “Where?” He ordered.
You shook your head again, “Please don’t- You can’t. I was just trying to protect her.”
“Who?” Ellie spoke up, despite it not feeling like her place to be in this conversation.
“M-my,” You started but a cry interrupted, echoing through the cabin.
You didn’t think for a second before you ran out of the room. Joel cursed as you did, going to rush out after you before Ellie spoke up, “What are we doing here, Joel?”
“I-“ He paused, shaking his head and leaving the room.
“Is it her?” She questioned, following closely behind him, “Is it really her?”
He gave her stern look as he entered the room you escaped into. His eyes blurred as he saw you with a baby to your chest.
“Please don’t,” You held up your free hand, stopping them, “You can’t- not her.”
“Holy fuck,” Ellie gaped, “You have a fucking kid!”
“Ellie!” The baby fussed in your arms, cries escaping despite your comfort.
“Please leave,” You beg, “Just let us go. I know i messed up. I didn’t want to hurt you guys but i- i couldn’t let you find her.”
“It’s okay,” Joel spoke softly, a type of softness you wouldn’t expect a man like him to be capable of. He holstered his gun, carefully and moved his hands where you could see them.
“We’re not going to hurt you,” He told you, “Ellie, put your gun away.” Ellie did as he said.
“So leave,” You pulled your child closer to your chest.
“We can’t do that,” Joel said.
“Why?”
“Because he’s-“
“Ellie, don’t,” He cut her off, turning back to you, “We weren’t lying before. We have a commune - it’s safe. You’ll be safe there. You both will be.”
You furrowed your eyebrows, repeating the same question, “Why?”
“B-because you’ve got a kid,” He lied, “We can’t leave you here to die.”
“I don’t trust you,” You frowned. Joel mirrored your action, looking around the room at the makeshift cot you had constructed. He felt his heart ache when he spotted a blood stain on the carpet in the corner - you had given birth here, alone. You went through that alone.
“Please,” Ellie spoke up, “You won’t survive out here. You need somewhere safe. And maybe you don’t trust us, that’s okay but we’re honest. We want to help you.”
Hesitantly, you nodded after a few minutes, anxiety building in your chest.
Joel’s eyes were still stuck to the bloodied patch and he was reminded again of how he failed you. How he failed Sarah. He thought about that damn bear. The bear that he thought was the last part of you he had. And despite the pain in his chest and the ringing in his ears he was so glad he was wrong.
“What’s her name?” Ellie asked as she took a tentative step forward.
You didn’t flinch, you wanted to but a part of you, a naive, childish part, wanted to believe them. “Sarah,” You returned, pinching your girls cheeks causing her to smile.
Joel’s eyes filled with tears, tears he had been trying to suppress for the past 20 minutes. For the past 20 years.
Sarah. His Sarah. Your Sarah.
Ellie’s eyes snapped to Joel. He almost felt embarrassed, showing this side of him. Showing his weakness.
“She’s beautiful,” He whispered.
You smiled as he spoke, kissing the side of Sarah’s head. “She is,” You kissed her again before whispering - more to her than them, “My babygirl.”
#joel miller x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller angst#joel miller imagine#joel miller x daughter!reader#joel miller x platonic!reader#tommy miller x platonic!reader#the last of us#the last of us imagine
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snapshots | masterlist
Post Outbreak! Joel Miller x Female Reader
summary: Moments of Joel Miller’s life in Jackson, Wyoming with his girls.
warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. JACKSON ERA. GIRLDAD!JOEL. established relationship. NO MENTION OF READER’S AGE, she is a childbearing adult woman so do what you will with that information, however at one point it will be vaguely mentioned that she is younger than Joel. no physical description of reader. no physical description of Rosemary except her hair color and type as well as her eye color. Joel and Ellie are fine because i said so. angst, fluff, some individual works centered around Joel and reader may also contain smut. please see individual fics for warnings and tags.
*MOODBOARD FOR AESTHETIC PURPOSES ONLY.
a/n: i fell in love with this little family and would love to write more for them when the inspiration strikes, so i decided to just go ahead and make a masterlist for them. i have no specific plan, the drabbles and one shots will most likely not be in order. i may bounce around the timeline and even go as far back as to when joel and reader find out they’re going to have a kid. to those of you who have shown this universe some love, thank you! 🤍
flutter
When you finally start to show, Joel has a tough time with it as the reality sinks in—he’s going to be a father again.
softness
Joel’s a little unsure of doing skin to skin with his newborn daughter.
safe and sound
Your daughter has a nightmare—her daddy makes it all better.
splash (coming soon)
divider credit to @saradika 🤎
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x you#joel miller fluff#joel miller angst#ellie williams x platonic!reader#fic: snapshots#girldad! joel
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- JOEL MILLER FIC RECS -
(most of these fics are age-gap romance. some fics have mature content (+18) so minors please respect the authors and do not interact). also please beware of the canon trigger warnings (violence, language, guns, death, blood etc.))
part 2 | main masterlist
SERIES - MULTI-CHAPTERS
one thing i am missing • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @joelscruff (fluff, smut)
to do the right thing • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @pedgeitopascal (very angsty, tw: abortion and ppd, childbirth)
if the door wasn't shut • joel miller x platonic!reader
↳ by @heartpascal (very angsty)
joel miller x feral!fem!reader
↳ by @ohraicodoll (angst, lots of blood, sometimes gore, reader has a given nickname, smut)
if he wanted to • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @sl-ut (angsty, tw: mentions of suicide and sa, drug use)
twenty years later • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @yelena-bellova (angst)
weakness • joel miller x fem!reader part two
↳ by @pedgeitopascal (fluff, little angst, smut)
the stable girl • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @guess-my-next-obsession (mature, angst, fluff)
friendly fire • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @the-ginger-hedge-witch (angst, smut)
uneven odds • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @theetherealbloom (angst, fluff, smut, anxiety)
burning in a hopeless dream • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @tightjeansjavi (angst, implied smut)
ONE-SHOTS/BLURBS
from love and life • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @bubbles-for-all-of-us (child birth, fluff)
adjustments • joel miller x fem!teacher!reader
by @softlyspector (fluff, smut, mentions of dead loved ones, tw: mentions of suicide)
kiss it better • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @morningbluebell (mostly fluff)
why can't i breathe? • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @oliviajdjarin (fluff, flustered joel)
no time to die • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @davosmymaster (very angsty, hurt/comfort, chef's kiss, so good)
she's a gun • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @cowgurrrl (fluff)
darlin' • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @charnelhouse (angst, tw: sexual assault and mentions of suicide, smut, hurt/comfort)
alone and foresaken • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @chelseasdagger (smut, very good smut actually)
once again in your arms • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @foli-vora (angst, tw: loss of a child, fluff)
too late • joel miller x reader
↳ by @alloftheimagines (angst, injuries, hurt/comfort)
don't let me drown • joel miller x reader
↳ by @alloftheimagines (angst, hurt/comfort, tw: drowning, some nudity but nothing explicit)
nightmares • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @youlightmeupfinn (tw: panic attacks, nightmare, hurt/comfort)
saving • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @youlightmeupfinn (angst, hurt/comfort, joel being an asshole)
a house in nebraska • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @highdramas (angsty, heavy feeling of nostalgia, mentions of sexual interactions)
spring breeze • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @thedgeoftheuniverse (fluff, hurt/comfort)
for you, anything • joel miller x reader
↳ by @mellowsaturns (fluff, sick!reader, domesticty)
perfectly wrong • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @psychedelic-ink (enemies to lovers, smut)
domesticty looks good on you • joel miller x reader
↳ by @girlscull (sooo fluffy)
ghosts of his past • joel miller x reader
↳ by @lol-im-done (very angsty, made me cry)
soft touches • joel miller x reader
↳ by @theeoriginals (fluff, hurt/comfort)
close call • joel miller x reader
↳ by @rogueonestan (hurt/comfort, angst)
first kill • joel miller x reader
↳ by @alloftheimagines (angst, hurt/comfort)
illusory light • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @lavendertales (angst, injuries, fluff)
playing house • joel miller x reader
↳ by @me-and-your-husband (some angst, smut)
try to love me, honey please • joel miller x reader
↳ by @peterhollandkait (hurt/comfort, angst, sad and soft joel, mentions of blood and death)
confused warmth • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @rise-my-angel (angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, smut)
soft spot • joel miller x gn!reader
↳ by @orangevtae (very fluffy, some hurt/comfort, sunshine x grumpy)
love in the time of cordyceps • joel millet x fem! reader
↳ by @sameheart-sameblood (angst, fluff, mentions of blood)
one bed • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @frannyzooey (good old one bed trope, explicit)
sleeping bag • joel miller x reader
↳ by @quin-ns (very fluffy)
lavender haze • joel miller x pregnant!fem!reader
↳ by @forever-rogue (soo fluffy, made my heart flutter)
intent • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @forever-rogue (angst, joel is an asshole, fluff)
#joel miller#the last of us#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x oc#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller x y/n#joel miller x female reader#pedro pascal#the last of us hbo#fanfiction recommendation#fic recommendation#masterlist#joel miller x reader fluff#joel miller x reader angst#joel miller x reader smut#the last of us fanfiction#tlou hbo#tlou fluff#tlou spoilers
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Lead me to the truth and I
will follow you with my whole life (joel miller x platonic!reader)
joel miller x platonic!reader
summary: perhaps now, twenty one years later, joel finally found the courage to face his fears. aka joel finally allows himself to accept the role he has in your life.
warnings: father-figure joel miller (more like an invitation rather than warning), fluff, slight angst at times, father-daughter duo kind of moments.
words count: 9.5k
a/n: joel miller was always the coolest father but pedro's portrayal took that to a whole new level. dedicated to all the daddy issues strugglers out there (myself included). here's the dad you deserved to have.
ps: this is my first work focused solely on joel's character so be patient with me. <3
enjoy!
"and I will go if you ask me to. and I will stay if you dare."
•
You were a mission, something that was supposed to have a beginning and the end. Someone he was supposed to lead to a given location and walk away. It was supposed to be easy—that what Tess promised to Joel when she begged him to take you, fulfilling her dying wish. How easy it was for her to ask, how difficult it was for Joel to keep that promise.
There was a reason as for why was Joel so reluctant to take you—to temporarily care for you. Reason unknown to you. He was cold from the day you met him; made sure you knew all the rules and understood that whatever role you were going to assign him, he was not going to take it. After all, that was what he promised himself.
To keep his distance, to put the walls up and protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. But you were too determined to tear them all down.
And at a certain point, he didn’t know for whom he was fighting anymore. To protect himself from you or to protect you from him? You’ve encountered things, places, people and tragedies one could only fear.
And with each strike he took, with each throat he slit before they lied their hands on you, Joel fell deeper. Into the sense of protection that was rising within him each time a danger appeared in your sight. Before he knew it, he was in the same spot he was twenty years ago.
That’s when the breaking point came. And he turned around, grabbed your hand and walked back to the only place that could’ve offered you the life you deserved. And deep down hoped Tess would’ve understood. In the end, he kept the promise—he made sure you were safe, more than that. He gave you the opportunity of the best life you could’ve had, given the fungal conditions around.
And you didn’t protest, didn’t utter a single objection. Because you would’ve followed Joel to the edge of the universe and back.
Or at least to Jackson.
You arrived at dawn, holding tightly onto his back, nearly falling asleep on the horse. The last few weeks you’ve spent outside were taking its toll on you. It was deadly cold out there with temperating falling down every second. You heard his voice, calling out your name three times before you opened your eyes. You were standing by the stables with Joel’s younger brother walking towards you.
“We’re here,” Joel whispered.
“Oh,” you yawned. “I’m sorry,” you pulled your hands away and slowly got off the horse with Tommy immediately offering his help.
“Good to see you,” he smiled politely, “both of you,” his eyes landed on his brother.
You waited outside whilst Joel and Tommy stabled the horse.
“So,” Tommy spoke again as soon as the three of you were together, “how long is it this time?”
And your eyes met with Joel. He shrugged his shoulders and briefly looked at you before his eyes met with Tommy’s again.
Joel was never good with words which you learned pretty quickly. It was all about his subtle actions—that’s how the two of you bonded. For all those days on the road and nights under the dark skies, you never led any deep conversations, instead found a comfort in each other’s presence. In your signals.
Being back in Jackson felt strange at first. Accustoming to such world after months in the wildness was odd to say the least. But it felt easier with Joel by your side—or at least, that’s what you were hoping for since he brought you here. Yet, after a few days in, you couldn’t overlook the way he was trying to distance himself from you.
First, it was about the house.
With the previous one being given to a family that recently came to Jackson, Maria and Tommy had to find a new place for you.
“I wanted you to have something of your own,” Joel admitted one night whilst the two of you were sitting in the kitchen, eating leftovers. “But Maria said they’re full right now. As soon as something opens, I will let you know… if you’d like.”
You were caught off guard by that.
There was a part of you that hoped—no, that took this as a foregone conclusion that you and Joel would be living together. You couldn’t even picture yourself being alone considering how accustomed you’ve gotten to Joel’s constant presence. In certain sense, he represented some sort of safety blanket. He was the reason you came to Jackson in the first place.
Perhaps, you thought, now that his job was done, he might have thought that the two of you should go your separate ways. At the end of the day, he wasn’t your family—just someone who was promised to look after you.
Perhaps, you were not as significant to him as he was to you. There were too many scenarios running through your anxious mind. But you never asked.
Then, it was the patrol duty.
When Tommy showed up at your doorstep, three days after your arrival, he mentioned that kids your age were starting to learn how to shoot so they could join the junior patrol groups.
“You should go,” Joel proposed once Tommy left. “Tommy’s good with guns. You’re going to learn from the best.”
He sounded almost uninterested.
You looked up from your bowl of breakfast, hurt glancing in your eyes.
And he quickly became aware of that.
“What?” he asked and you didn’t know whether it was care or rather annoyance that you heard in his voice.
“You promised you were going to teach me how to shoot.”
There it was again in his eyes—the regret.
He thought, with genuine worry in his heart, that giving you space was what you wanted—what you deserved. Without realising he was hurting you both in the process.
Joel didn’t know how to walk in this, how to approach this new situation he found himself in. He wanted you around, he wanted to make sure were alright. But didn’t know how.
That afternoon, when you left the house to join Tommy and the rest of the kids, Joel was already gone. His brother had him signed on old kinds of duty around the settlement—giving him an opportunity to contribute. And as much as Joel complained and growled, he like the idea of being of use—being needed.
You arrived by the Tipsy Bison, joining the group of kids standing around and registered.
A young man, approximately in his early twenties looked upon the list of names he was holding before his eyes met with yours.
“You’re signed on the East Gate, Tommy’s waiting for you there,” he informed you.
You squeezed the straps of your backpack as you walked by the stables, nervously looking around. You were still trying to adjust but it felt so difficult at times, especially when you were alone. Tommy was nice, considering he most likely knew nothing about you, beside what Joel must have told him. But you didn’t felt that kind of safety you had around Joel.
Joel, who was standing three feet away from you, with riffle hanging over his shoulder.
Maybe he joined the patrol group as well, you thought as you headed towards him.
“Do you know where Tommy is?” you asked as you looked around, looking for his brother.
Joel frowned, almost offended.
“Am I not capable enough?” he mumbled playfully.
You couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on.
“What?”
Before you uttered another mumble of confusion, Joel stepped closer and handed you the riffle.
“C’mon kid, it’s gonna be dark soon.”
The gate opened and Joel headed outside the safety, with you following his steps. There was a smile on your lips as you looked up and saw him, already explaining the route you were going to take—the high spots you were searching for. This was his way of apologising—his way of trying to do better.
Of making sure you knew that.
That day, you spent the whole afternoon together. What was supposed to be a regular two hour training that most kids took Joel turned into five, with the two of you coming back shortly after sundown, already past dinner time. It was the first time in a while you saw Joel genuinely laugh as he watched you struggling to reach the target.
You returned to Jackson with an empty magazine and one successful shot. But as you the two of you were walking home, side by side—it didn’t matter to you. It didn’t matter how terrible your aim was, how much of Tommy’s ammo you waisted. What mattered to you was the look in Joel's eyes, the smile on his lips he had as he was watching you.
He let his guard down, even if it was just for a second. And there he was—the Joel that was watching stars with you on the road.
It was about these moments. They meant whole world to you.
“You hungry?” he asked as you passed the dining hall.
You shook your head. “I’m alright. Besides, I think we’re already past the dinner time.”
“Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat since breakfast,” he commented. “I could make you something at home.”
Home.
It stuck with you.
He didn’t think about it when he said that. Perhaps, that was the revelation you were waiting for. That Joel felt the same way and what you had was, indeed, a home.
Joel’s parental instincts were always there, no matter how determined he was to suppress them. Every night on the road, he stood by your side with gun in his hand, every time you fell asleep without ur blanket, Joel made sure you were tucked in. Each time he promised himself it would be the last. But always failed to do so.
Truth was, without the fear of enemies lurking in every corner and in the safety of Jackson’s settlement, it was easier to slip back into his old, fatherly habits without even realising. Only took a few weeks for Joel to accustom to this life—to having you around every day.
You sat together for breakfast every morning and met by the gates every afternoon after your assignments ended to take you for another shooting lesson.
Month later, you hit three out of six targets. Each time, he stood beside, that proud smirk on his lips. Three weeks after that, you hit five of them. That night, Joel even offered to take you to the movies as a reward for your successful lesson.
You were so excited—you wanted to join the others for so long but didn’t feel like going by yourself so having Joel propose that idea felt quite nice. But after all the training and another two hour long shooting lesson, you started to get weary. Twenty minutes into the movie, your head crashed onto Joel’s shoulder as you slowly fell asleep. His eyes landed on your sleepy face and there it was again—that smile. The one he didn’t have in a while.
Two hours later, you woke up in half empty dining hall.
“Need a hand?” you heard a familiar voice around you, mixed with laughter.
“I got it,” Joel replied.
A few seconds later, Joel’s hand caressed your cheek. “Kid?”
You quickly became aware of your pposition and immediately pulled away, despite the tiredness still wearing off.
“Shit,” you whispered, rubbing your sleepy eyes. “I’m sorry.”
Joel shook his head. “Let’s go get your jacket.”
He got up and you, still not fulling woken up, followed his steps. Joel noticed how somnolent you were, so he walked you to the door, helped you put on the your jacket, wished Maria and Tommy good night before you headed out back to your place.
You were barely seeing above your own feet, tiredness still having power over you as you struggled to keep up with Joel’s pace. Didn’t take long for him to realise that you were two feet behind. He swiftly turned around, rushing towards you.
“I’m so tired,” you yawned. “I just want to lie down.”
“Absolutely not,” Joel mumbled. “Let’s go, we’re two streets away.”
“That’s so far,” you whined. “I could just lie down right here and fall sleep.”
He couldn’t help but laugh over your statement. He stepped closer, threw his hand around your shoulder and pulled you closer to keep you warm. “Two streets and we’re home.”
There it was again.
Being too tired to notice, you paid no mind. This time it was Joel who was caught off guard by his own words. As the two you walked through the quiet streets of his brother’s settlement, it slowly dawned on him. There was no point in denying. It was a home—to you, to him. Even if he wasn’t strong enough to admit it out loud, it was your home.
Three weeks later, Jackson county was covered in snow. Due to an ongoing blizzard, all of Joel’s shooting lessons were postponed until further notice, as Maria prohibited him from taking you outside the settlement in such unpredictable conditions.
That afternoon, she showed up unannounced by the east gate—already figuring out your and Joel’s teaching schedule. To keep the two of you busy, she signed you to decoration duty instead.
As the holiday season was slowly approaching, the whole settlement was getting ready.
Joel’s disgruntlement over her orders couldn’t be more obvious. But he swallowed his need to object and accepted the orders, leaving you in Maria’s hands.
“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like those little trips of yours,” Maria admitted whilst the two of you were scavenging the decorations for the Christmas tree Tommy, Joel and other men were putting up.
You shrugged your shoulders, “We’re not going that far. Just around the settlement.”
“Why can’t you just go with the other kids at school?” she asked.
“Don’t you always say that we should only head out there with those we trust?”
She saw the look in your eyes and knew there was no need to say anything more. You knew she meant well—Maria wanted you to adjust to this place, to make friends of your own age. But she was also aware of the fact that separating you from Joel would do more harm than good. She did not agree with most of his actions but still respected that man. After all, he was her family.
That day, you got there late. Joel was already back, sitting in the living room with book in his lap. As interesting as the crime thriller could have been, Joel’s attention was elsewhere. Sitting in an old chair by the window, he was impatiently waiting for your arrival. It was shortly after nine when you came. As soon as he saw you on the porch, he grabbed the book, suddenly finding interest in every line.
You entered the dark hall, seeing the only source of light coming from the living room. That’s when Joel finally looked up, seeing you standing there with snowflakes in your hair.
“Hey, didn’t hear you coming,” he greeted you, closing the book. “How was your decorating duty?”
“How was yours?” you mumbled sarcastically, ready to roll your eyes.
Joel chuckled over your reaction. “Fair enough.”
For a second, the awkward silence crept in until Joel spoke again.
“I grabbed you some food on the way back,” he announced. “Left it in the fridge for you.”
“Oh… thanks,” you whispered, quite taken aback by that gesture. “But uh, Maria took me to dinner…so.”
“It’s okay,” he shook his head.
There was a reassuring smile on his lips—even if it was for a moment.
“By the way…” Joel spoke again, sensing that you wanted to head upstairs. Once he got your attention again, he continued: “Tommy asked me today if we’d want to join him and Maria for Christmas Eve dinner next week.”
We.
You tried to hide that unexpected excitement his words left in you, yet Joel still managed to spot that glimpse of sparks in your eyes.
“It’s not mandatory, so if you don’t want—“
“No!” you interrupted him. “I mean yes… yes, we can go.”
“Oh,” he whispered, surprised by your sudden reaction. “Alright then, I’ll tell Tommy.”
After that, the awkward silence appeared again. You stood there for moment or two before Joel considered that it was time to go—he wished you good night and quietly disappeared upstairs, whilst you stayed there for another second. It was so unusual to see Joel this nervous and you wondered what could’ve been the cause of that.
With the holidays approaching, the thought of the old days was harder to avoid, especially with all those children running around. Everywhere he went, he saw her, saw the memories tied to her. It was easier to avoid those when he lived in Boston. The only haunting things were his nightmares which he usually deadened with a bottle of whisky and sack of pills. But here in Jackson, it was different. There was the glimpse of normal life—as normal as one could get in such world. It was way too easy to look at those luckier than him and wonder what could been.
That could been the root of the problem as for why Joel struggled with the way he felt about you. Each time he grew closer, it frightened him. He was frightened by the idea of encountering the same pain again because he knew that this time—he couldn’t bear through. He couldn’t suffer through the loss of another daughter.
Because that's who you were for Joel.
You were his daughter. Despite the numerous times he tried to fight, despite his inability to express this, deep down, Joel knew it. Even as terrifying as it was to admit it, you were his kid. He never stopped being a dad, he was just now yours.
And when he lied awake that night, he made a decision. Maybe it was time to stop running away from it—to stop running away from you.
When you woke the next morning, something felt different. Dressed up and ready, you ran down the stairs, surprised to see what was in front of you. Lighted and decorated, there was a Christmas tree standing by the fireplace. You couldn’t quite comprehend that sight.
It was barely after eight o’clock. You couldn’t help but wonder when did Joel managed to do this. In the kitchen, you found a message on the table along with a piece of apple pie that he must have brought from the dining hall.
Tommy and I had to leave early,
there’s been accident at the power plant.
Maria’s going to bring you dinner tonight.
We should be back in a few
days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.
— Joel
A part of you felt saddened over the thought of Joel possibly missing the Christmas Eve. But at the same time—you couldn’t help but smile over him doing all of this before he left. Putting the Christmas tree, getting you breakfast. He wanted to make sure you would still have good time, despite him missing it.
Later that day, Maria stopped by with dinner. As soon as she entered the hall, she couldn’t overlook the shining Christmas three. You two dined together in silence, washed the dishes and even offered for you to stay at their place until Joel and Tommy return. But as kind as her offer was, you politely declined. That night, you fell asleep on the couch, staring at those lights, hoping Joel was alright.
The blizzard out there wasn’t going away anytime soon. Each morning, whilst walking to your training, you couldn’t stop worrying. You knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself, yet that didn’t stop the ongoing fear that was rising within you each time you came home and he wasn’t there.
The house felt so empty without him there. Even though the two of you spend most of your time in silence or in separate rooms, you both had your comfort in each other’s presence. The idea of Joel being door away from you felt reassuring. Naively, you never thought that could change. In this sense, Jackson has softened you. Those gates around gave you sense of protection.
But he didn’t have that.
Each night, you waited. Sitting in his old chair by the window, you held your switchblade between your fingers and waited until you fell asleep. Fell asleep with a hope and woke with coldness wrapping around your body and disappointment that dawned on you when you found his room empty.
Three days before Christmas, you felt the need to express your anxiousness to Maria.
“The plant is a few of miles away. And with the snowstorm out there, it would be too dangerous to head back in such conditions,” she explained. “They’ll be back soon, you’ll see.”
You knew she was worried as well. But she did much better job at hiding it. She promised you that even if Joel and Tommy didn’t make it in time, you would still celebrate the Christmas Eve, together. And as much as you appreciated that effort—you didn’t care about celebrations of any kind. The only thing you cared about was Joel.
On twenty third of December, the clouds of fog and heavy flakes of snow finally disappeared. Yet there was no sign of Joel nor Tommy. You waited by the East Gate whole afternoon until your fingers felt numb from the coldness. You waited there until the sundown when Maria came to pick you up. You protested, begging her to let you stay up with men from the night watch.
“You’ll wait for him at home,” she insisted. “C’mon, Y/N. You’re freezing.”
But you didn’t care and she knew. But there was no point in fighting with her. You sighed, jumped down from the lookout and with disappointment hidden behind your eyes, you returned to that empty house. That night, you sat in that chair with switchblade in your hand—just like all those previous nights and waited.
On the twenty four of December, Christmas Eve, you were sitting by the kitchen table with Joel’s note in your hand.
“We should be back in a few
days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.”
The chances of Joel and Tommy returning before the Christmas dinner were slimmer with each hour that past. At noun, it was decided that small group of patrollers would head to that plant and bring them back. With the weather conditions improving, you knew there must have been a different reason as for why they were still not coming back. And Maria knew it as well, despite her best efforts to keep you calm.
“There’s Christmas dance going on at the hall tonight. We could go if you’d like,” Maria offered when the two of you met at the stables. “Or we could still make the dinner.”
“I think I’ll just stay home,” you whispered, grabbing your backpack from the floor. “I’m quite tired. And I have the kindergarten duty tomorrow, so.”
“Y/N—?”
“Just tired, really,” you interrupted her. “Don’t worry.”
“Alright then,” she sighed, not trying to persuade you. “But tomorrow—dinner at my house. No excuses, six o’clock sharp.”
You felt guilty for declining again. So this time, you agreed to her proposal. After all, you could really use a moment out of your house. Maria meant well, she cared about you and she wasn’t exactly happy with the thought of you being all alone there.
On your way back, you passed the gate again, stayed a second or two and waited. For a moment, you thought you could sneak out tonight and try bribing one of those junior patrols guys at the watch to let you sneak up there. But you knew one of them would tell and you didn’t want to cause any more unnecessary worry for Maria. She already cut you a lot of slack with all those assignments you signed yourself off of.
When the clock stroke eight, you lost all your hope that Joel could make it before midnight. But knew that he wouldn’t want you to stare out of that window forever. So you decided to stop by the Christmas dance to grab a dinner, at least. When you returned, you lit a candle and sat down by the tree. Though as much as you tried, your eyes always landed on that view.
Shortly before midnight, you headed upstairs to his bedroom. His bed has not been made since the day he left. There wasn’t much of sight of him, besides the stuff in the clothes where you were headed. You opened the wooden door and took out his old jacket. Maria forced two of you to get rid of most of your old clothes and gave you new, not ripped and stained ones, but he still kept that one jacket.
You took it off the hanger and put over your sweater. It still had it scent.
With that, you went back and with switchblade in your hand, you sat down on the stairs on the front porch. You heard the celebratory noises coming from the hall but didn’t feel the need to join. Instead, you looked up at the stars.
During one of those night out there, you told Joel how much you loved the constellations and even showed him some of them—which he found profoundly interesting, as much as he tried to tell otherwise.
There you saw it—Big Dipper. The one you showed him, the only one he managed to spot.
That’s when midnight stroke.
And tears rolled down your face. As you looked ahead and saw the darkness.
And a shadow.
Shadow of a man.
For a second, you thought you could blame it on your somnolent mind. But when your name slipped from his lips, twice, it wasn’t your imagination anymore.
It was Joel.
“Joel?” you whispered as you saw him, heading towards you.
You couldn’t quite believe it.
“Joel!” you called out, not waiting another second to rush towards him, meeting him halfway.
He was out of the darkness, standing right there in front of you.
It was him.
But the smile you had on your lips faded away the second you saw a blood seeping through the fabric on his right leg.
“Are you—“ you gasped, eyes landing on his injury.
He immediately realised where your mind went.
“No,” he reassured you, stepping closer. “It’s just an injury, a scratch. Nothing more.”
You noticed the trouble he had whilst walking.
“I still have aid kit in my backpack upstairs,” you mumbled, worried thoughts jumping from one another in your mind. “It’s not much but I can fix it. I could just go and fix it, just let me—“
“Y/N!”
His voice echoed in your ears. Suddenly, he stood right in front of you, his cold hands grabbing both of your puffy cheeks. There was one thing you had in common in that very moment. The fear that rose in both of you, the worry that was put on display when you looked into his eyes. You couldn’t hold it together anymore, despite the efforts.
“I thought,” you gasped between the sobs, “I thought you didn’t come because…”
“No,” Joel reassured you again, this time with a smile on his lips. “See? I didn’t. I’m alright, I’m alright.”
“Joel,” you whimpered, trying to comprehend what was going on.
And as he saw you, standing there in his old jacket, freezing and crying—if there were any remaining walls, they all fell down. In that moment, every single one of his parental instincts kicked the minute he pulled you into his arms.
“I’m alright, kiddo,” he whispered, caressing your hair as you cried out. “I’m alright.”
As soon as you pulled away, Joel threw his hand over your shoulder as you quickly helped him get inside. Sitting him down on the couch, you ran upstairs, throwing the backpack on the bed as you impatiently took out one thing after another until you find the first aid kit. Only then you rushed downstairs, fix Joel’s wounds.
You almost tripped over your own feet.
He was sitting in the same spot, eyes landing on the lightened Christmas tree.
After you sewed his injury, the two of you sat there in silence. Neither of you needed the words in order to embrace the comfort you had in each other’s presence. You sat there, watching the lights until you fell asleep on his shoulder. In that moment—Joel didn’t need anything else. He was home.
“Merry Christmas, kid,” he whispered, looking down on you.
Twenty minutes past midnight, Joel made it.
But then the dawn came.
You woke up, eight hours later, finally without those worries hanging over your head. In the same spot you fell asleep, only with blanket covering your body. It was quiet, peaceful. Until you slowly awakened and your eyes landed on the wall clock above the living room dresser.
Within a second, you were up on your feet.
“Shit!” you yelled out, ignoring the possibility of Joel, still being asleep.
With tiredness wearing off, you tripped over your feet tree times, with each almost landing on your face. You quickly changed your clothes and ran back downstairs.
And there he was.
Leaning against the kitchen desk with cup of coffee in his hand, Joel couldn’t overlook the distress pictured all over you.
“Ever heard of a hairbrush?” he commented your appearance, being in the mood to have a little dig at you.
You didn’t have the time to roll your eyes over his words.
“I’m running late,” you whispered, looking around, trying to find your backpack. “I was supposed be at the kindergarten twenty minutes ago!” you cried out, stressed, trying to find your possessions. “Maria’s going to kill me. And where is that fucking thing?”
“Tried your room?” Joel proposed, visibly being amused by your current state.
“Dammit!” you yelled out, running back upstairs.
Within seconds, you were rushing back down, pushing your switchblade into your back-pocket.
“Gotta go—!” before you managed the disappear outside, Joel’s voice stopped you.
“Where do you think you’re going?” he headed towards you.
You turned from the doors, “to my assignment? I already missed most of them this week. Can’t screw this one as well.”
“Where’s your other jacket? The down one that Maria brought the other day?”
You stared at his, utterly confused over that question.
“What?” you shook your head. “What are you talking about?”
“Y/N, it’s freezing out there, you’re not going in this,” he pointed to your windbreaker.
In this moment, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.
“I don’t have time for this—“
“Y/N, this is not open for discussion,” he stepped closer. “Go and get the other jacket.”
“Joel—!”
“Now, Y/N,” he repeated, admonishing look in his eyes.
He was never more parental than in that moment as he watched you grumpily running upstairs to grab your other jacket.
You came down, clothes changed.
“Now hat, and gloves. Where are your gloves?”
“Seriously?!”
There was something unimaginably funny as he watched you losing your temper when you did a second round of running and came back, redness in your cheeks.
You put it on and looked at Joel, annoyance expressed all over your face.
“Happy?” you mumbled sarcastically, grabbing your backpack from the floor.
“That you’re not going to freeze out there? Yes, I am,” he shrugged his shoulder. “Although,” he stepped closer and pulled the zip of your down jacket up to the top. “Now, I am.”
You rolled your eyes, once again.
He couldn’t help but chuckle over that response.
“You’re warm enough?” he asked.
“I’m sweating like a pig, Joel.”
“Better than freezing, don’t you think?” he couldn’t help but have another dig at you. “If you caught cold, I would be the one running around you.”
“Well, I couldn’t rob you of your favourite I told you moment, could I?” you grinned. “Besides, with this leg… you can barely walk so I don’t know what running you’re talking about, old man.”
He bursted into laughter.
“You're such a stubborn pain the ass, you know that?” he observed between laughs.
But then it happened.
“Okay, dad.”
That one sentence that was supposed to be an innocent joke—a little dig.
Carrying little no meaning.
Until you saw how Joel’s eyes suddenly shifted. And the laughter was no longer there. The spark was gone and he stood there, quiet and frozen. Stiff and numb over your words.
It’s been more than twenty one years since he last heard that.
His heart dropped into his stomach, the world around became too heavy.
There she was, in his mind again. That day, that exact moment. His eyes landed on his watch.
He heard his name coming out of your mouth, three times before he looked up—seeing the genuine worry displayed right in front of him.
“Joel—?“
“Go,” he whispered, so coldly.
You shook your head, confused. “Joel, are you—?”
“Go,” he repeated. “Your assignment is waiting. Leave.”
You stood there for two second, before you heard him again—urging you to leave. All at once, you couldn’t recognise him. You had no idea what caused this strange reaction, but didn’t dare to ask. Instead, you obeyed. You bowed your head and walked out of your house.
Each step you take, the further you were from the house, the more guilt was rising within you. What could you have done to displease him this much?
You’ve experienced Joel’s anger a few times, while the two of you were on the road. To be honest, Joel’s patience was thin and you knew what strings to pull to get him into rage. Him yelling at you became a daily routine at one point. But you’ve never seen him like this. The stare he had, the emptiness in his eyes.
As if you were dead to him. Truth was, you would much rather had him screaming at you than being this eerily quiet.
You arrived to your assignment and quickly got to work, hoping no one would notice your delay. But even with the amount of work you had around, you couldn’t stop thinking about that odd encounter with Joel. What could’ve been that made him so upset?
Could’ve been the joke, you thought. But it was an innocent statement, with not much truth in it. Or was it? Or was it something that accidentally carried more truth that you were willing to let on? Could Joel sense that?
One too many scenarios running through your worried mind.
“Y/N?” Maria’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.
You looked up and saw her, standing by the door.
“Hey,” you mumbled, putting the basket with toys on the floor. “What’s going on?”
“Just checking in,” she replied, smile on her lips. “I stopped by your place but forgot your had your duty today. Wanted to take Joel to infirmary but looks like you already took care of that.”
“Oh, yeah. It was nothing,” you whispered, eyes landing on the floor, the desire to avoid every conversation that included his name rising with each second. “I have a lot to finish today, so…”
“I won’t keep you any longer,” Maria laughed. “Just wanted to say that since Tommy and Joel got back in one piece, we thought we could have the Christmas dinner today. After all, the holidays are still on.”
“I don’t think Joel’s in mood for celebration of any kind,” you admitted.
“I already talked to him and he agreed.”
So maybe he managed to cool down, you thought. Or at least, you were hoping for that.
Maria stayed for a few more minutes, asking you to come earlier tonight to help prepare the dinner. She freed you from your afternoon assignments to have enough time to change and get ready. You stayed at the kindergarten until one in the afternoon, then helped for two hours at the stables before you headed back to your house.
You learned from her that both Tommy and Joel had a day off so part of you hoped you would run into him. But when you came, the house was empty. Joel’s backpack and gun were lying by the chair but he was nowhere to be found—as you searched every room around. You tried to not think much of that but there were still those doubts inside you.
Luckily, you were running out of time—which meant you had to hurry up and pull yourself out of your worried mind. You didn’t have any decent clothes to wear, except for the regular ones. So you just grabbed a clean sweater, pants and tied your hair up before you headed to Maria’s.
When you arrived, Maria was already cutting the vegetables in the kitchen. You let yourself in, throwing the jacket on the hanger in the hall as she called you in. It was the first time you were in their home as they mostly came to visit you and Joel. It was much bigger than what the two of you had but all those details displayed around implied that they’ve been here for quite some time. Each corner had a track of them. There were pictures on the walls, books on the coffee table with an empty cup, flower pots on the windowsill.
But what caught your attention was a board, resting on the top of the fireplace.
You didn’t mean to snoop but when you saw those names, you couldn’t look away. There were two of them, along with four dates. Took only few seconds for you to realise what this was supposed to meant.
Shivers went down your spine. Especially once you heard Maria calling you again.
“I’m sorry,” you whispered, rushing into the kitchen.
“It’s alright, just finish these carrots,” she handed you the knife. “I need to start preparing the meat.”
You took the orders without any objections.
You wondered. Were they Tommy’s or Maria’s children? Or did each belong to one of them? You wouldn’t guess the two of them to experience such loss since they’ve both seen so well put together.
But you knew yourself how easy it was to put up a believable surface. You did that after Tess’s death, despite how painful it was to lose someone so close. You didn’t have any other option. Maybe they were once in a similar position.
Eventually, every person finds a way to live with their pain. They either face it or suppress that, deep down.
You only now realised how important must have been this child to Tommy and Maria. Get a second chance in a world like this was almost a miracle.
“Tommy’s memorial caught your attention?”
Almost as if she read your mind.
You startled, nearly accidentally cutting yourself.
“I wasn’t… you mumbled, embarrassed. “I didn’t… I’m sorry.”
“It’s alright,” Maria looked up, reassuring smile on her lips.
She was kind, like always.
“I’m sorry about your kids.”
So you felt the need to let her know.
Her eyes locked with yours again, “Thank you. Although, just a kid, Kevin.”
“Oh,” you nodded. “So Sarah was Tommy’s daughter?”
“She was his niece,” Maria replied, still preparing the meet.
In that moment, the world around stopped for a second.
Tommy’s niece.
Meaning?
You had to take a deep breath.
“So, she was…” you swallowed, feeling the frog in your throat growing bigger each second.
“Joel’s daughter,” Maria finished your sentence, paying no mind to your current state.
Joel’s daughter.
Joel had a daughter. A daughter just three years younger than you.
You needed a moment to process this.
He used to be someone’s dad.
Then the last piece of the puzzle was found. And the mystery was solved.
And your shattered heart dropped into your stomach.
He used to be a dad.
Suddenly, it all made sense. Suddenly, you’ve never felt worse. For what you said, for being so cruel. All those days, all those moments, all his words—all at once it made sense. It was the last clue you needed to win the prize. Was it worth though, was the question.
“Y/N?” you heard Maria’s voice calling your name.
Three times before you looked up, still a little spaced out.
“He didn’t…” she whispered, putting two and two together. “Oh…”
“That’s alright,” you shook your head. “It’s not your fault.”
You didn’t know how to approach this newly revealed information, how to solve the problem without causing even more of them. Joel was never the most sharing individual, neither of the two of you was. Though you couldn’t blame him. He was keeping this inside of him for more than twenty years. One could one fear how difficult that must have been.
“How did it happen?” you dared to ask.
Maria looked you. She knew this wasn’t her place to talk but still gave in. “I don’t know the details. Just that it was the day of the outbreak.”
You thought there was no chance this could get any worse.
“Day after Joel’s birthday.”
Somehow it did.
And you felt even more guilty for asking these questions in the first place.
You thought of this afternoon, when you were rushing back to your house, hoping you would find Joel there. Now you were on the verge of praying to every none-existent higher power that he could change his mind and not come. You wanted to do everything you could to avoid him, out of the shame that you were feeling.
That of course, did not happened.
At half past six, Tommy arrived from Tipsy Bison with bottle of scotch and smile on his lips. He had a stitch above his eyebrows, meaning both him and Joel were involved in whatever fight that went down at power plant, probably with those raiders Maria kept mentioning. Greeting both of you, he kissed Maria on the cheek, placed on the bottle on the kitchen desk and disappeared upstairs to change his clothes.
Thirty minutes after him, Joel arrived.
You were in the middle of settling the dinner table when you heard the door slam. You paid no mind, placing the four plates on their spots. Only when you turned to get the cutlery, you saw Joel standing by the coffee table—his eyes immediately landing on you.
The fear in your face was difficult to overlook. For a second, your sight shifted from Joel to the memorial board right next to him.
For a second.
Yet he still managed to catch that.
Without a thought, you turned around and headed towards the kitchen to grab the tray with glasses and cutlery. When you came back, you saw him standing on the same spot. Only now, his full attention was directed towards that board before you caught his attention, again.
It didn’t take much for him to realise the nature of your behaviour—beside what happened this morning.
You stood there, staring at the each other. Your heart was pounding louder with each second, hands were sweating, the tray in your hands shaking. Only when Tommy’s voice called out for Joel, you looked away and went to finish your job.
Feeling even more ashamed than before, if it was still possible.
To say the dinner was awkward would have been an understatement. The four of you sat by the table in silence, with mostly Tommy or Maria leading the conversation. Their words and the conversation in general was revolving mainly around Jackson and things related to that as both of them sensed that none of you were in the mood. Maria kept checking on you—she didn’t miss how determined you were to avoid Joel’s eyes.
It was after dinner when you saw him lighten up a little. Tommy grabbed the bottle of scotch and took Joel into his little office space downstairs, right in the entrance hall. Which you and Maria used as an opportunity to wash the dishes.
You placed the dishes right next to the kitchen sink when you heard Tommy’s laugh.
“…it’s time consuming!”
Shortly, it was followed by Joel’s brief laughter. Still, it was nice to know he was easing up.
“It’s that stupid clock joke Tommy heard this morning,” Maria commented as you handed her the dishes, one by one.
There wasn’t any response coming from you. Your mind was too preoccupied for that.
And as much she didn’t want to cross the boundaries, she was worried about you.
“Joel cares about you, you know,” she spoke, snapping you out of your thoughts.
You looked up at her, handing her the plate.
“I’m not really sure about that right now,” you admitted. “Although, I couldn’t really blame him.”
“You worry too much,” Maria chuckled.
“Can you blame me?” you muttered, looking down.
“I had plenty of evidence to be confident in my previous claim.”
“Like what?” you sighed.
“A, he brought you here—“
“I saw him spare a rabbit once. So not leaving me out in the cold is not a strong argument.”
Maria chuckled again.
“He brought here and asked for the two of you to be placed together.”
Wait a minute.
You looked up once more, confused over Maria’s words.
“No,” you shook your head. “Joel said you just didn’t have any other place for me…”
“We have a few houses specifically for kids of your age. Since I knew your situation and wondered if it wouldn’t have been better to be around your peers. I offered that to Joel. But he insisted that you stay under his roof.”
That sudden new information needed a second to process.
You thought that, perhaps, he thought the two of should take your separate ways—that’s why he mentioned that you should have a place of your own. When in reality, he wanted you around. He asked to have you around.
“What’s B?”
Maria took a deep breath and placed the plate into the sink.
“It’s tough to lose a child, in any kind of world, fungal or not. And it is even harder to allow yourself to care this way again, for somebody else. Which is why you might have felt like he was pushing you away at times, maybe even right now. But despite his actions saying otherwise at times, you mean a whole world for him. You are his whole world.”
You wanted to believe every word of that statement. Because that’s what Joel was to you. After everything you’ve encountered, Joel was the closest thing to a family one could have in this world. And you wanted to believe that you carried that value for him as well.
“You just have to cut him some slack. He might be scared,” she continued.
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of having another chance to be a parent. It’s way too easy to screw that job, in every world.”
Maybe all you needed to understand Joel was one conversation with someone who was once in the same position.
Suddenly, each attribute of Joel’s personality, each strange detail about him pulled together a one, bigger picture. Although the losses in your life might not have been as traumatic as those of Joel’s, you were starting to understand him. And deep down, hoped that you didn’t blow up all your chances to fix what you’ve broken.
That evening, you headed home first. After you helped Maria clean everything, you asked her to tell Joel that you were tired and left early. Even though there was a part of you, wanting to run after him and apologise, you couldn’t do it. Once you heard his laugh, you knew you owed him a moment of peace. Your conversation could wait for another day or two.
It was first time since this morning there was even the slightest amusement on his face. Could’ve been the simple stupidity of that joke, the bizarreness that somehow made him chuckle. He stood there, leaning against the grey wall with scotch in his hand, trying so hard to suppress those laughs.
“You can laugh, it’s funny,” Tommy teased him, finishing the rest of his drink. “It’s a great joke.”
“A really lame one,” Joel commented, squeezing the glass in his hands.
“Well, you never really had a good sense of humour so,” Tommy chuckled.
Joel shrugged his shoulders over that statement, partially agreeing before he drank the rest of his liquid courage.
It was getting late, he wanted to head home and get some rest. He handed Tommy the empty glass, patted his shoulder and gave him a fleeting smile—enough to let him know that he was thankful for the distractions. Only then he went into the living room, looking for you.
He found Maria instead.
She knew the answer he came for in the first place.
“She left a few minutes ago,” Maria answered the implied question. “But she left this in here,” she turned around and grabbed pair of green gloves. “Could you give that to her?”
Joel nodded, bitting his lower lip, slowly immersing into his thoughts.
“Well,” he snapped out his head after a second, squeezing the gloves in his hands, “I should probably go too. Thank you for the dinner, though.”
“My pleasure,” she smiled.
He knew where he was going. Yet before he made a single step, the memorial board caught his sight again. He was aware of not always being the most pleasurable human being to others around, though he always justified that by saying that he was only trying to protect himself. But when he visited today, for the first time, and saw the board—there was regret. For, maybe, being too harsh at times.
Everyone was carrying around their own kind of pain. Some were just too good at hiding it.
So before he left, he turned to Maria.
“Listen,” he cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “About…”
She knew where he was headed. And wanted to spare him the difficulties.
“I know,” she whispered. “Me too…”
Nothing else needed to be said, they both understood.
With that, Joel grabbed the rest of his stuff and set off.
As he walked through the streets, seeing the lights hanging on the houses and snowflakes falling to the ground, his mind wondered. Towards you, towards this morning. Part of him felt guilty for pushing you away so suddenly. You must have meant it as a joke, he thought. That’s what he’s been trying to tell himself the whole day.
Yet there was a part of him. Part of him that was terrified of you, being serious with that title. Joel came to terms with the way he felt about you, with the amount of care and sense of protection he had for you. But why was the idea of you feeling the same way about him so frightening? Why was it so easy to accept you as daughter but hesitate to become your father? He was in this same position twenty one years ago. And he couldn’t promise to not fail again.
There was guilt. Guilt he was carrying around for more than twenty years. Guilt of failing, for not being the father Sarah deserved to have in that moment. And it felt selfish of him to put another child through that. Maria was right. It was scary to have another chance with something so fragile. Perhaps, he should’ve just walked away, could’ve given up.
But somehow found himself standing in front of your door. With pair of green gloves in his hands and shame in his eyes.
He knocked on the door two times to make sure you were still awake. Only when he heard your voice, he let himself in.
You were standing by your closet, carefully folding your things.
Somehow, in this moment, seeing you so accustomed this place, it made Joel happy.
Then he saw the curiousness in your eyes and panicked. For a second, he panicked, overthinking his actions.
“Maria,” he mumbled, looking for the right words, “Maria… Maria said you left this at their place,” he finished his attempted and stepped closer into the room.
Your eyes landed on the pair of gloves in Joel’s hands.
“Oh…” you raised your eyebrows. “But these… these are not mine. I gave them back to Maria weeks ago because they were too small for me…”
You stopped for a moment and realised she achieved exactly what she wanted with that gesture. And you couldn’t help but chuckle over that.
Joel, on the other hand, couldn’t ignore the embarrassment rising within him.
Quickly, you saw that. Saw him clearing his throat and placing the gloves on the edge of your bed.
He stood there, for a second or two and you wondered if, perhaps, there was more to his visit. You looked into his eyes and saw the struggle—saw how desperately he was trying to find the appropriate approach to this situation and took this as an opportunity to set things right.
“Listen,” you whispered, catching his attention. “I just…”
You both struggled with finding the right words.
Placing the clothes you were holding just a second ago onto the closet shelf, you stepped closer to him.
“I’m sorry for what I've said this morning. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t know that—“
The shame he had in his eyes was now glancing in yours. And he saw that, saw every bit of that.
That’s why he stopped you.
“No,” he shook his head. “Y/N, please no.”
He followed your lead and stepped closer, sitting down on the edge of your bed as the frustrated sigh left his mouth.
“It’s not your fault. How could you know…”
It was the first time you saw Joel like this. It was the first you spoke of this.
There was hurt in his voice and you knew he must have been trying to suppress that for quite some time.
You quietly joined him, eyes landing on the floor.
“Maria told you?” he asked, filling up the hollow silence.
“I saw the memorial Tommy made… you probably figure the rest,” you whispered.
Joel nodded.
“Don’t be mad at her, please. I swear, if I knew… I wouldn’t—“
He finally looked into your eyes, stopping your words. “Y/N, it’s alright. I am not mad at her.”
There was a sense of relief that flew through your body.
Although, there was also one question remaining.
“What about me?” you dared to ask.
He heard the tone of your voice and saw the worry in your eyes.
There it was, the confrontation he couldn’t keep running away from. For a moment, the hollow silence returned just as your fears. In the same exact moment that Joel finally decided to face his.
“If you think about me this way, if you feel about me this way… then I don’t… I don’t mind if you want to call me that.”
That certainly was not what you were expecting.
But it turned out to be better.
“I’m trying to say that even though I can’t promise you that I’m worthy of that title… if you want me to have that role in your life…” he whispered.
“I thought you already had that,” you admitted.
The shock in his eyes was evident.
“Listen,” you whispered, turning to him. “I was on my own for most of the time before Tess finally found me and brought me to you. I’ve never had anyone like that. So I don’t have much to compare with. But if dad is supposed to be someone who makes you feel safe, who feels like home, then for me, Joel, you are worthy of that title.”
There it was. It was no longer just an assumption but a long lasting wish. He got the truth, got what he wished for and feared at the same time.
“Depends on if you want it.”
In that moment, he wanted to allow himself to want it. But in order to do that. There was one last step remaining.
Joel needed to forgive himself.
He needed to finally put down that baggage of guilt he’s been wearing around for twenty one years. He needed once and for all, stop looking behind him. And look ahead and take the opportunity the universe gave him.
Perhaps, you were what he needed to achieve that. By making sure you were safe, he would able to forgive himself for failing at that twenty one years ago. Deep down, he knew, she would never want him to wear his sadness around his neck. There would always be a part of her in Joel, nothing was going to change that. But maybe now, he was finally able to make space for you, too. To be your dad.
You heard the chuckles and looked up again. And there he was, looking down at his something to fight for. His whole world.
He smiled quietly and replied, “I do, kiddo.”
And when the word left your mouth, calling him that officially for the very first time, he barely managed to hold it together. Every remaining piece of his baggage disappeared, every last piece of the sadness he was wearing around his neck fell down as he finally put his guilt to rest.
And he kept the promise he gave. To both of his daughters.
#writing#the last of us x reader#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x reader#joel miller#tlou oneshot#tlou fanfic#tlou imagine#tlou au sort of?#the last of us#joel miller fanfiction#father figure joel
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Where the Wild Things Are Series
Where the Wild Things Are - Series Masterlist
"I have nothing now but praise for my life. I'm not unhappy. I cry a lot because I miss people. They die and I can't stop them. They leave me and I love them more...What I dread is the isolation."
Wild men or monstrous infected creatures, the world is wild and ravaged by Cordecyps but some are raised in it and flourish becoming a wild thing.
Joel Miller x Platonic!Teen!Reader, Ellie Williams x Platonic!Reader
Word Count: 33.9K
Chapter One: Solitude
Chapter Two: You Say You Are Holy
Chapter Three: Parallels
Chapter Four: Snow Angel
Chapter Five: A Cold Death
Chapter Six: Cigarette Burns
Chapter Seven: Haunted Memories
Chapter Eight: Because of You
#the last of us#the last of us hbo#the last of us fanfiction#joel miller#joel x reader#joel x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x teen!reader#ellie williams#ellie x reader#ellie x you#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams x you#ellie williams x platonic!reader#ellie williams x teen!reader#tommy miller#tommy miller x platonic!reader#where the wild things are#where the wild things are series
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too cold — joel (and tommy) miller
gn!reader , (future)fatherfigure!joel (and tommy tbh) , takes place a year or two after joel and ellie settle in jackson , reader is in their mid/late teens , hurt/comfort, angst , cw : brief mentions of loss of friends and family, hypothermia , wc : 3.8K , special thanks to @piggyjeans for reading this for me and motivating me to wrap up this part and get it out to you guys !! <333
at this point, you’re beginning to wonder why you even try. you wonder if there’s a point when the scraps of any family you had left, found or biological, are long gone and you’re on the brink of freezing to death yourself. you managed a fire last night, but you’re shivering beyond control even in the daylight with your sore lack of a real coat. wherever you are, it’s cold as hell and winter is setting in far faster than you could ever combat. essentially, you’re screwed. it seems like it might snow more, there’s not a building in sight, and you’re running out of bullets and food. the cold bites at your exposed nose and takes permanent root in your bones.
night falls far too quickly, bringing the thick snow that you feared almost as much as infected or people; those you could fight, but the snow? against that you have no defense but a sputtering fire, measly shelter, and a slowly thinning sleeping bag. curled into yourself as much as you can, it takes a concerningly small amount of time for you to fall asleep.
by the time you finally come back into consciousness, the struggle to open your eyes scares you even in the muddled state of your mind. the sun is far higher than ideal; already you’ve lost precious traveling time now that your only hope is to find abandoned buildings to scavenge for supplies. and yet, the last thing you want to do is get out of your sleeping bag. it’s kept you as warm as you could be, and even now in the leftover warmth sleep, you’re all too aware of the snow that blew into the small overhand of rocks you slept underneath and the way it’s freezing temperatures will soak into your feet until it reaches every nerve of your body when you continue your trek through the forest.
but, despite that heavy question of what’s the point, there’s no way you’re going to let yourself give up and waste away in the cold without trying to save someone, even if that someone is yourself. so with every struggle, you pull your hands out from their haven in the swaths of fabric, fumbling slightly to zip open the bag and pull yourself out. you’re eternally grateful that you have gloves, but within the few minutes of packing up, the cold has already started to settle in your hands, feet, and face. begrudgingly, you swing your pack onto your shoulder and shove your hands into your pockets, looking for the most direct path to higher ground to scope out any buildings.
as you start out, it seems as though travel may not be the worst. but the thick snow from last night’s flurries and the still slowly falling flakes are quick to tire your legs from the effort, and the way that your jacket lets in too much of the numbing wind hinders your pace. you find yourself exhausted, taking moments to rest against trees that stretch into minutes, maybe longer as your mind becomes foggy and consistent shivering sets in throughout your whole body.
you stumble a bit and clumsily grab hold of the nearest tree. what the hell am i doing? you wonder. you let your whole side press against the rough surface of the tree, squeezing your eyes shut, then opening them in attempts to clear your head. but that doesn’t seem to help when you start to wonder if you’re hallucinating. just meters away your eyes land on a tall brown horse, an animal you don’t think you’ve seen outside of pictures. you stare at it in wonder for a moment, but a feeling of panic sets in when you process the fact that there’s a man sitting on the horse, a large rifle strapped across his back.
with your shaky hands you fumble around to pull out your gun, but it does you no good when the rifle is pointed at you in seconds.
despite the threat, the man’s voice isn’t harsh when he calls out to you. “’s alright. ’m not here to hurt you, alright? just drop your weapon.” without much resistance, you do as he says, seeing no other choice and feeling not an ounce of energy to fight back. within moments, he’s off the horse, one hand on its reins and the other put up in the air in a careful truce as he slowly moves closer to you. when he’s near enough that the snow doesn’t obstruct his view of your face, he can see the way that you’re shivering and the unfocused look in your eyes and can immediately notice that something’s not quite right.
“i need you to tell me if you’re infected. don’t lie now, alright? i’ll shoot you if i find out you do.” at this, his voice is more stern, stirring up a bit more fear in you. but you’re able to shake your head clearly.
“no. no, ’m not infected. haven’t run into any for days,” you speak aloud for the first time since you woke up this morning, and you don’t notice the way that your speech is slurred, but he does.
“alright, then. kid, i’m gonna get you somewhere warm, okay?” in the back of your head, you’re terrified to let him closer, to let some stranger lead you somewhere, but the promise of warmth is something you desperately need. even so, you flinch away when he’s finally right next to you and reaches out. “i promise ’m not gonna hurt ya. i’ve got somewhere safe and warm for you, you’re gonna freeze to death if you don't get some help now.” he’s completely right, you realize, so you just nod. “there ya go. do’y have a coat we can get on you?” he frowns when you shake your head, but doesn’t hesitate to unzip his own padded coat. gently, he pulls your pack off your back and sets it down. you don’t even realize what he’s doing until he shrugs his own coat over your shoulders and pulls it tight over your front. the leftover warmth from his own body is heavenly, but in the action, you lose your support against the tree and unconsciously lean into his firm frame. you don’t notice, but he stiffens at this, and his frown grows deeper when he feels how cold you are to the touch.
with strong hands, he pulls you away from him slightly. wordlessly, he guides your shivering arms into the sleeves of his coat, silently grateful for the warm jacket he still has on.
“we’ve gotta get on the horse, now.”
you just nod, letting him guide you to the tall animal. but you stop short at its side, completely unsure of how you’ll get up.
“first you put your right foot in the stirrup, right here.” you don’t have to say anything for him to begin telling you what you need to. “put your hand on the saddle here to help you up. i’m gonna hold you steady, okay?” you nod, letting him place his firm hands on your waist as you put the last of your strength into lifting one foot into the stirrup. “now you’ve gotta push up with that foot to swing your other leg over the horse.” it takes all of your concentration to understand what he says, and strength that you don’t have to actually do it. it’s messy, but thanks to his help and some miracle, you find yourself on top of the horse and putting all of your effort into staying upright.
“there ya go. i’m gonna get on in front of you, don’t you fall off now.” he quickly fastens your pack onto the horse, letting out a small grunt as he pulls himself up onto the animal. his body warmth right in front of you is precious and you don’t have it in you to feel awkward in the way he does as he pulls your arms around his torso to keep you steady. “just hold on and stay awake, alright? shouldn’t be too long til we get you warm.” once again, you just nod, knowing he can feel it with the side of your face pressed against his back.
as the horse starts forward at a decent pace, his instructions of holding on prove to be harder than ideal with your weakened grip. you don’t know how much time passes until the horse’s movement stops and the man’s voice, along with another, meets your ears.
you startle when the unfamiliar voice calls out. “joel! what took you so lon– what happened?”
“sorry, tommy.” you can feel the rumble of his voice while pressed against him, and turn your head to face the source of the other voice. “found ‘em leaning against a tree just a bit off the path. think they’ve got hypothermia.”
there’s another man on a horse, probably younger, but you can’t tell much else in the snow and the state of your mind. either way, you can’t help but read him as a danger. the man in front of you, joel, you assume, must have picked up on your fear behind him
“’s alright. that’s my brother, tommy. he’s here to help too, okay?”
another nod from you, and a “damn” from tommy.
“let’s get going, then. we’ll stay in the lookout for tonight then get them back to jackson first thing in the morning. it’ll be dark soon.”
joel agrees, and with that, you set off. every so often, his voice brings you out of your daze long enough for you to nod your head against his back when he checks if you’re still awake. your sense of time is long gone; all you know when you arrive at the mentioned lookout is a vague sense of relief.
“kid?” his voice rings out and you realize the motion of the horse has finally come to a stop. you do your best to sit up, hating the biting air that immediately hits your front now that it’s not kept warm by joel’s back. your hands stay resting absentmindedly on his shoulders in order to keep you from slipping off of the horse. “tommy’s gonna help you off, okay?” you let out a small hum of acknowledgement as tommy dismounts his horse and comes to stand beside you.
“here we go,” he gives you a small, encouraging smile as he lifts his arms up for you. “put your hands on my shoulders, and i’ll get you down safe ’n sound, alright?” it’s a bit of an awkward reach, and you begin to slip down before you have a proper grasp, but his hands are quick to secure themselves under your armpits, preventing you from falling and instead pulling you into his chest. your knees buckle the moment they hit the ground; tommy’s strong grip keeps you upright. “there you are, ’s alright. god, you’re shivering like a leaf in the wind. we’ll get you nice and warm now.”
there’s a bit of a struggle getting inside, your legs practically refusing to hold your weight. an immense wave of relief washes through you when you collapse onto the couch they bring you to and you let your eyes shut in exhaustion.
“now don’t you fall asleep on us quite yet,” joel warns. “we gotta get you warm first. tommy, get some hot water going.” you force your eyes back open to see him crouching in front of you. “listen, uh. some of your clothes are a little wet from the snow, and we can’t have that.” he pauses at that, studying your face to catch any sort of reaction.
“okay,” you whisper, somehow coherent enough to still understand what he’s saying and know that he’s right.
“okay,” he repeats. “can i take these jackets off?” you nod. his grip is gentle when he pulls you up from your slouched position, allowing you to lean into him when he slips off the coat he gave you, then your own slightly damp jacket. you begin to shiver even harder, your thinning cotton shirt doing nothing to keep any cold at bay. “alright, alright,” he mumbles, half to himself as he pulls his thicker, dry coat back around you. then comes a blanket, taken from the couch and wrapped securely around your shoulders. he shifts you to rest against the back of the sofa.
that’s when he pauses, at a bit of a loss of what to do because your jeans, despite your thick boots, are soaked from the snow almost up to your knees. but there’s no way in hell he’d feel comfortable taking off your pants, much less how you’d feel.
“i’m gonna have to cut your pants,” he concludes. “promise we’ll get you new ones in town, but you’ll never get warm like this.”
“’s okay,” you mumble. so he rummages in his pack until he finds a pair of scissors, doing his best to avoid touching your bare skin with his hands or cut you with the cold metal. it’s tricky business; the jeans stick fairly close to your skin, but he manages not to even nick you with the sharp edges. the moment you’re free from any damp clothing, he wraps another blanket securely around your legs so it won’t fall off.
moments later, tommy reappears in your line of sight with exactly what joel asked for. he leans down, holding it out to you. with shaky hands, you grasp the cup, sighing in immediate relief at the warmth that spreads right into your fingers through your gloves.
“careful, now,” tommy advises. “it’s real hot, don’t burn your tongue.” you do your best to follow his instruction, weakly blowing at the hot water when you bring it close to your mouth. resisting the urge to down the whole thing, you grip it tighter and bring it to your chest, hoping to let some of the warmth permeate through other parts of your body other than your hands. it feels like a little piece of heaven when you feel the steam rising up to warm your chin, your lips, and the tip of your nose and the heat from the cup itself travel through your thin shirt and to the skin above your collarbone.
when you finally begin to sip on the warm water, it’s almost glorious; you can feel its warmth spread through your body. so once you discover it’s no longer too hot, you take long gulps and heave heavy sighs of relief. your trembling doesn’t disappear, but with the third cup, it certainly subsides.
this, and the far more relaxed expression on your face finally convinces joel that it’s safe to let you fall asleep—you’re halfway there anyways. tommy takes the empty cup from your hands before it can slip from your hold, and joel unravels your sleeping bag. at that point, you can no longer process the softly spoken words being exchanged by the brothers, but you’re vaguely aware of tommy’s arms tucking themselves under your shoulders and knees and pulling you off of the couch. then you’re being maneuvered into the sleeping bag that now lays across the surface of the couch, tommy setting you down while joel ensures that you stay properly wrapped up in the blankets. sleep claims you so quickly that you don’t hear the agreement between the two men to take turns keeping watch over you to periodically check your temperature and breathing.
joel wakes you in the morning, his gruff voice quickly recounting the events of the previous day when your jumbled state of mind after waking from such a deep sleep launches you into a panicked confusion. his explanation and comforting hands on your shoulders calm you in moments as the memories return, however vague they are due to the haze of your sickness.
“thank you,” you whisper as he helps you to sit up, his hands still gentle and supportive on your shoulders.
“course. like i said, we’ve got somewhere safe for you if you need. and at the very least, we’ve gotta get you some new pants and make sure you don’t get sick. were you travelin’ all alone?”
“not at first,” you explain, knowing he’s probably wondering about finding someone so young alone. “but now… yeah.” he sighs as if that’s the answer he expected.
“’m sorry,” he frowns. you just give a tight-lipped smile in response. “alright. we should get moving so we can get you to the town doctor. tommy’s gettin’ the horses ready.”
your eyebrows raise at his words. “town doctor?” you question. that puts a small smile on his lips that you don’t quite understand.
“yep. it’s a good place to be,” is all he offers in explanation.
“okay.” you begin untangling yourself from the blankets and sleeping bag that did the job of keeping you warm throughout the night. still covered by his coat, your upper half stays comfortable, but the feeling of your exposed calves hitting the cold air is unwelcome, not to mention the slightly embarrassing sight of the jagged edges of your jeans at such an awkward spot.
“sorry ‘bout that,” he comments, “but we’ll keep your legs wrapped up with blankets for now and get you new jeans in town.” once you nod, he grabs a hold of one of the blankets he laid on top of you after you feel asleep, a rather small piece of fabric, but the right size to help you out. he wraps it around your left leg, using ropes from his supplies to gently secure the fabric, then repeating his actions for your other leg.
as he does so, he keeps his gaze focused on his task, but his gravelly voice meets your ears. “realized we never asked your name,” he phrases it like a statement, but the obvious question is there.
to be honest, you hadn’t even realized either, first, mind clouded by the hypothermia, and up until now too caught up in the oddness of your situation. one moment you’re all on your own and on the brink of death, the next you’re saved and seemingly on the way to what sounds like some sort of miraculous safe haven even from the vague glimpses of information you hear.
you state your name, hoping with all you can muster up that this isn’t some kind of cruel trick, and that the kindness the two men have shown you is as genuine as it’s proved to be thus far.
“well then,” he repeats your name back to you as he secures the last knot, still not looking up at you, “let’s get you home.”
those words nearly knock the air from your lungs. he throws them out like they don’t mean much, but in the most confusing way, because you’re sure he did it on purpose. you’re sure he does know that they mean a whole lot more than a casual tone and avoided eye-contact, but you suppose you can’t blame him. it’s often easier to pretend they don’t mean anything, certainly much more with people you don’t really know at all, people like you. and yet, you can’t help but think he said it to reassure you. to tell you that this place he’s talking about is one where you can find that thing everyone in this world has lost. as if it’s somewhere you already belong without having set foot in it yet. and you can’t tell the difference between hope and fear in that moment, so you shove it all away.
“sure.” you stand just after he does, grabbing your sleeping bag and beginning to roll it to the best of your ability while still weak. but he stops you, quickly taking over the task of clearing and packing up the last few things in the lookout after handing you a cup of warm water, not too hot. you finish it quickly, still more than grateful for any warmth that can be provided.
joel motions towards the door once he’s finished, and on still slightly wobbly legs, you walk up to him, stopping before he can lead you out.
“thank you, joel,” your voice is quiet, but sure when you say it.
“of course,” he assures, genuine in the affirmation.
“and tommy. tommy, too, of course,” you stutter, suddenly feeling awkward.
“sure thing.” he clears his throat, one his occupied hands almost moving up to rub the back of his neck. at that he turns, and you follow him out, back into the cold.
the shivery weather is not welcome by you, but in a properly warm coat and definitively out of the worst of your condition, it’s far more bearable. you feel bad for taking over joel’s coat, but he seems just fine in his jacket that’s clearly far warmer than your old, lousy excuse of a winter garment.
tommy and the horses are waiting there, just as joel said, and he smiles upon seeing you.
“good to see you up and alive, kid,” he grins with a gentle pat to your shoulder.
you answer his playfully reassuring attitude with a bashful smile of your own. “yeah, the alive part is definitely a plus,” you say in attempts of matching his tone. the way his grin grows tells you the joke landed, putting you at even more ease than before. unfortunately, it doesn’t make the way you formally introduce yourself to him any less awkward, but he seems glad to know your name. by your side, joel tightens one last strap on the horse before placing a careful hand on your shoulder.
“i think we’re good to go now. it’ll only be a few hours of riding,” he informs.
“sure,” you nod. pausing for a moment, you cast eyes down before speaking, albeit a bit timidly. “could you.. could you help me up again?”
you completely miss the soft look on his face at your request. “course i can, kiddo. i’ll get up first and help you from there, okay?” at your affirmative, he easily mounts the horse before holding a hand out to you. “just put your foot here, grab my hand, and i’ll do all the work, alright?” he moves his leg away from the stirrup so that you can use it yourself, his grip on your hand steady the moment you place it in his palm. gratefully, you follow his instructions, doing your best to use your own strength in tandem with joel to ease the effort he has to put forth to help you up. as you swing your leg over the horse, he guides your hand to hold onto his shoulder for you to grip far easier than his hand and succeeds in getting you into the saddle behind him. with that, you’re off, traveling somewhere that you somehow dare to hope is the sort of paradise joel and tommy have described.
,
part two here !!
#joel miller#joel miller x platonic!reader#platonic joel miller#tommy miller#father figure joel#joel miller tlou#tlou show#joel miller x gender neutral reader#joel miller x reader#tommy miller x reader#joel miller comfort#joel miller fluff#joel miller imagine#joel miller angst#joel miller x gn!reader#joel miller hbo#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us fluff#tlou joel#joel miller father figure#the last of us#tommy miller father figure#tommy tlou#tommy miller tlou
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A New Diagnosis
Pairing: Joel Miller x autistic daughter!reader
Summary: I have an idea. Joel Miller x daughter!reader, based in the camps they had everyone in after the outbreak(so a couple days after Sarah’s death technically) and the reader is a high functioning autistic who stims. So when they get to the camp and because of all the stress she has been under, it’s causing her stimming to flare up like crazy. So Joel and Tommy had to beg and plead to the soldiers, trying to let them know she is autistic and she wasn’t infected, that she just can’t control her stims.
Warnings: Angst, crying, cussing, stimming(not really a warning but its in the story), overstimulated meltdown, denial, most likely inaccurate chain of command about construction work or construction jobs in general, might be a little ooc Joel in one scene I’m not completely sure but it feels like it and I hate it😠😤.
A/N: the reader symptoms and preferences are based on my own, which is also where this idea came from. Ever since the show came out I just wondered what did they do to the people with ticks and stims at the beginning of the outbreak. I mean they eventually had to come up with a way to tell a difference in the beginning of the outbreak before they had the infection detector things, right?
I honestly might rewrite this because I don’t know if I like how this turned out. Usually I’m pretty good at picturing what characters would say in a certain situation, but there’s one part of the fic that I’m not so sure about( you’ll know it when you read it I’m sure). But it’s crazy because I’ve been living like this since the ages of 4 or 5 and it still extremely difficult to describe stimming, even harder writing about it. But I wish I had a Joel Miller parent so I guess I’m projecting a bit in this fic. And this may also be longest fic yet.
So I decided to make this into two parts because I want this posted today because it was supposed to be out yesterday and I don’t want to wait any longer.
Mockingbird (Part 2)
Taglist: @miss-celestial-being @ilovemydinoboi @taraiel @distorted-twink @geralallfandoms @your-shifting-gurl @daemontargaryenwhore @mihstar
What started out as a regular day went to hell in the span of a couple hours. I mean homes being set on fire, families separated, innocents slaughtered due to the fear of a sickness they had no cure for. But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I? Let’s start from the beginning. My name is (Y/n) Miller, and this is the story of how everything went to shit.
I was only 4.
As a kid you’re oblivious to almost everything, but sometimes a child’s behavior can reflect the type of day the family will have whether they realize it or not. And my attitude had been off all that week, until my father’s birthday aka outbreak day. I called it the calm before the storm. That week I was in an overall bad mood. All of my senses had been on high, being overstimulated plus the struggle of always being alone in school. I mean don’t get me wrong I use to talk to some of my classmates, but most likely than not I would’ve been playing by myself either from trying to avoid the bullies or because nobody wanted to play with me in general. But hey, you can’t miss what you’ve never had. I never really understood people, I still don’t but I had my family and they always made everything okay. They never made me feel different about myself. Regardless of me being only four, I understood that the repetitive behaviors were definitely not normal. Along with the what I now know as stimming; physical, vocal, scripting, ticking, etc. I could go on and on about everything that makes me different, but my family had always helped me feel normal. To be honest I didn’t start realizing I was doing all that stuff until one day my dad sat me down and asked me ‘what are you doing’ and ‘are you okay?’, which made me more self-aware. And then there was school, the weird looks and the mean jokes came into play. I’ve rarely caught my family staring, but I knew they were. Growing up and remembering the past helps you realize things you might’ve missed or didn’t understand as a kid. Like the concerned/confused stares I would catch my dad or uncle Tommy giving me before I was diagnosed. I just didn’t know what the looks were for. But the day my father finally decided something was indeed wrong, that it wasn’t just a phase, had him making an appointment to my clinic fast. It was the first time my stimming caused me serious pain. Well, from what I can remember anyway.
July 23, 2002 - Austin,Texas (Y/n is 3 years old)
The day started out like any other. I woke up in my sister’s bed, once I got my bearings I got out of the bed and headed down stairs to see my dad and my sister having one of their many daily debates
“I’m just saying your generations music has nothing on ours- (Y/N)!” After hearing Sarah saying your name, Joel turned around seeing you standing in the kitchen doorway rubbing your eye.
“Hey babygirl. Did you have a good sleep?” He asked as he turned off the stove top and went to pick you up.
“Mhm. I’m hungry, daddy.”
“That’s good because I just cooked your favorite breakfast.” He said as he kissed your cheek and sat you down in the chair across from Sarah, who got the two of you orange juice. Joel then went to grab the plates. There were eggs, sausage, french toast, and he sat a bowl of grapes next to you knowing how much you love them. You all started eating your breakfast. You went straight for the grapes and started eating them, until you spotted something that looked weird to you. Frowning, you push the bowl away and went to the food on your plate.
“Something wrong with your grapes?” Joel asked you noticing the way you frowned up.
“They dirty daddy.” Causing Joel to frown in confusion.
“Dirty? I just washed ‘em.” Joel leaned forward and grabbed the bowl and didn’t see anything abnormal about the grapes. The water in the bowl didn’t even black specs in it that grapes leave behind. “They look fine to me.”
“No. They dirty daddy, look.” Standing in your chair, you leaned over and pointed to a grape with a light brown streak on it and another where it was brown from where the stem was.
“Oh, that doesn’t mean they’re dirty, baby. Grapes just to look like that sometimes or because they’ve gotten older. That’s all.”
“Ew.” You mumbled.
“They’re gonna taste the same.” Joel said as he sat the bowl back down next to you.
“I don’t want them anymore.” You say pushing the grapes away.
“They’re fine, (n/n). I actually think the small brown areas actually make them sweater.” Sarah says trying to reassure her baby sister.
“No.” That was your final statement before you went back to eating the food on your plate.
“Ok, you don’t have to eat ‘em.” Joel states as him and Sarah go back to eating their own food.
———
“(Y/n)!!! Come back here!”
“No!”
“We go through this every time you use the bathroom!”
Sarah was currently chasing you around the house. A daily thing really, but for the last few months you have determined on not washing your hands after using the bathroom. And not with just Sarah. With Joel and Tommy too. Joel usually would have to keep a firm grip on you that disabled you from moving away from the sink, and to keep you from running or flailing your arms around as an attempt to keep him from making you wash your hands.
The first time that happened you guys were at a restaurant. He would be surprised if that whole side of the restaurant didn’t hear you,
“Daddy, I have to use the bathroom.”
“Ok.” Usually he would have Sarah take you but her and Tommy’s food had made it to the table. And since he was still waiting on his, there was no sense in stopping her from eating. He took you out of the high chair, and you two headed to the restroom. After the long process of putting toilet paper on the seat, he sat you on the seat and let you do your business. Once you were finished cleaning yourself up and him flushing the toilet, he waited for you to go towards the sink. But you headed towards the door instead.
“Don’t forget to wash your hands.” Joel said from his spot on the wall he was leaning on with his arms crossed.
Turning towards the sink, you clasped your hands to your chest, letting out a low groan of disgust.
“What is it?”
“I don’t want to touch it.”
“What the sink?” You nodded.
“You have to wash your hands, babygirl. Come on.”
“No.” You whined, and Joel knew then the two of you were going to have a problem.
“Babygirl, please.” He said in a pleading tone and tired tone.
“No!” Joel sighed then picked you up and held you over the sink as he usually would when washing your hands, but this time due to your decision of fighting and squirming in his arms, he had to get a gentle but firm grip on your hands to wash them himself.
“(Y/n).” That caused you to stop in your tracks. The sound was unfamiliar until your mind put together it was your father’s voice. He never says your actual name unless you were in trouble, and even then it would depend. But him calling your name was enough time for Sarah to scoop you up and head to the nearest sink which was the kitchen.
Sarah sat you down after she finished washing your hands. After getting free you pouted and went into the living room to continue playing with your toys before your bladder interrupted you. So invested in what you were doing, you didn’t even hear your Uncle Tommy come in the house.
“What’s for dinner today?” He teased, rubbing the top of yours and Sarah’s head as he passed by each of you.
“I don’t know you’ll have to ask this guy. He was supposed to go to the store but surprise, he didn’t.” Sarah says with a sarcastic smile towards her father who was going through bills. Joel head turned towards Sarah giving a bored look.
“We’re ordering pizza.”
“Fine with me.” Tommy states triggering Joel to role his eyes.
“Of course it is.”
Sarah went upstairs for the book the two of you were reading. To ‘keep her ahead of her future classmates’. While Sarah was upstairs, Tommy eyes trailed over to you, he smiled as he watched you in your own little world playing with your toys while talking to yourself. He watched you for a minute until he saw you stretching your neck. Normally he would’ve thought nothing of it until he realized it was happening constantly. At first they were only seconds apart, then you would stop for a few minutes and start again. There wasn’t an exact pattern, but he caught the rhythm of it.
“Buns neck been bothering her?”
“No.” Joel answered absentmindedly, still invested in the papers he wished he could use as a coaster without consequence.
“You sure?”
“Yeah I’m sure. Why wouldn’t I be sure?” Joel asked, getting annoyed by the fact he kept getting interrupted with his task.
“ ‘Cause she keeps stretchin’ it like it’s bothering her.”
Joel looks up at Tommy who had a slight worried look on his face. Joel then turns around in his chair to see what his brother was talking about. And true to his little brother’s words there you were stretching your neck and shoulder in a way that looks painful if he’s being honest. Joel turned back around to his brother with an equally concerned look. He leans closer towards him and lowers his voice before he started talking signaling Tommy to do the same.
“I don’t know why she does that, and every time I ask her if she’s ok she tells me she’s fine.”
“Maybe she has a crook in her neck.”
“No, if it was a crook we would know. She would be a lot worse. She tends to panic when she has one of those, and doesn’t do a lot of moving around. To stop the ‘bouncy feeling’. This. This is something else. And it’s been getting more frequent lately.”
“Frequent?”
“Yeah, this started a few months ago. It’ll leave and come back after a few weeks, but like I said it’s been happening a lot more often lately. She does it with her hands and wrist too.”
“Hm.”
Joel turned back towards his youngest. “Babygirl, you okay?” He said in a tone reserved for only you and Sarah when she’s upset about something.
You look up from your toys, bright innocent eyes finding your father’s concerned ones.
“Yeah.”
“You sure? Your neck not bothering you?”
“No.” You replied while standing up from your place on the floor and walked over to your father. When you got close enough he automatically picked you up and sat you on his thigh.
“Then why do you keep rollin’ it around honey?”
“I’m not.” Joel frowned in confusion. He’s clearly watching you do it so, either you’re lying for some unknown reason or you just don’t know that you’re doing it. But he’s always able to tell just by asking one question.
“Are you telling me the truth?” Simple, but it works. It was a question he would ask you every time he would think you were lying. And every time you answer you have a tell. When you tell the truth you tend to answer pretty confidently, but when you lie, you always fiddle with something whether it be your clothes, your fingers, or just bouncing your foot.
“Yes.” There’s no fidgeting. Covering up how even more confused he was in the moment he just nodded in understanding even though he didn’t.
“Ok baby, you want to go back to playin’ with your toys?”
“Yeah.” You replied getting down from your father’s lap before he even had the chance to put you down. Then you ran off to start back playing until Sarah came back down the stairs.
“(N/n), story time.” Hearing that you stood up and headed over to the couch with your sister. Before you sat down you picked up your stuffed bunny, Tommy got it for you when you were two. They used to use it to stop you from crying, but now you take it wherever you go. You laid down across the couch with Sarah and had your bunny in front of you in the same position you were to Sarah. She opened the book to where you two left off and started reading stopping at every few paragraphs to let you read.
Joel watched the two of you, his world. He would never understand how a mother would want to give this up.
“Have you thought about getting her checked out?” Tommy’s voice broke Joel from his thoughts.
“Checked for what?” Joel asked frowning at his brother.
“Joel, are you serious? Something could be wrong.”
“She’s fine, Tommy. She’ll grow out of it.”
“Grow out of it? Don’t you want to make sure?”
“Tommy, please.” Now Joel was lying. To himself especially. But that is understandable, what parent wants to accept that something may be wrong with their child. It was a scary thing to think about.
“What if it’s somethin’ wrong? Wouldn’t you want to get Bun’ the help she needs as soon as possible.”
“She doesn’t need help Tommy. I’m telling you she’ll grow out of it.”
“Joel-”
“Just let it go.” Joel whispered in a hardened tone, trying to keep his voice down so the girls wouldn’t hear that anything was wrong. “Look, would you order the pizza for tonight. I’m trying to finish up these bills.” Tommy mumbled a ‘sure’ and got up to make the call. He understood why Joel didn’t want to talk about that kind of stuff, what parent does? But knowing his stubborn nature he won’t act on it unless something happens that causes him to. After hearing the voice of the pizza lady on the line, Tommy uses it as a distraction to get his mind off his niece and his stubborn mule of a brother.
January 16, 2003 - 6:30am
BEEP. BEEP. BEEP.
Sarah sat up with a soft groan and stretches, when she heard whining. She turned toward her sister who was hiding under the covers.
“Time to get up (n/n).” Sarah was about to stand up until she heard you cry out. She pulled back the covers to see you in a fertile position, hands covering your ears, eyes squeezed shut. “Come on (n/n), we- what’s wrong?” Sarah asked starting to panic seeing a tear fall from your eye.
“Too loud!” Sarah was confused for a second before she remembered the alarm was still going off. She quickly reached over to turn it off, and brought you into her arms. She laid you on her chest, rocking you back and forth while rubbing the top of your head, and she softly shushed you until you calmed down. When Sarah heard your cries turn into sniffles and looked down at you.
“You okay?” She asked softly rubbing the top of your head. She was confused as to why you reacted this way but, whatever the reason, it had her extremely worried. After seeing you nod your head she was able to relax, but she knew she still needed to tell dad about what just happened. Sarah got you up so, the both of you could start your morning routine. Everything went semi-smoothly, but that’s to be expected after your reaction to the alarm clock she’s not all that shocked about your agitated behavior. Sarah had just finished fixing your shirt when there was a knock on the bedroom door.
“Come in.”
“Hey, you girls almost ready?”
“Yep, we were just about to head down for breakfast.” Sarah stood from her kneeling position in front of you, letting you know that she was finished. And after going to tuck your bunny in bed you walked over to Joel.
“Unfortunately, you two are going to have to eat breakfast at school.” He said as he picked you up.
“Ew, why?” Sarah asked.
“Well your Uncle Tommy called and said there’s been an emergency at the house we’re working on so, when he pulls up we gotta go.” He grabbed your book bag and started down the stairs since you had decided to fall back asleep, not that he blamed you if he could he would have too. A minute later Tommy pulls up and surprisingly the Adlers weren’t outside, then again they were leaving a little earlier than usual. But, either way they didn’t have time to stop and talk. Sarah was dropped off first, then you. And it wasn’t until Sarah sat down in her first period class when she realized she forgot to tell her dad what happened this morning.
———
Time Skip
Normally, when school gets out you would ride home with Denise, due to her daughter going to the same school and Sarah’s school getting out 10 minutes after your school does. Then add another 20-30 minutes of her having to take the school bus then the city bus to get home. When Sarah makes it to the neighborhood she has to pass by Denise house to get to yours which is when she picks you up, but today didn’t work out that way. It started when Joel got a phone call from your school.
Joel and Tommy were currently managing the workers that were doing the framework of the building they were working on. Well Tommy was, Joel was trying to keep calm while talking to the construction manger.
“Look all I’m saying is we should be getting paid more since we’re working more hours than what we were told we would be working, don’t you think.” The construction manger has been going back and forth with Joel for about 10 minutes now, way too long for Joel’s liking.
“No, I don’t. Especially since the reason we’re in this situation is because you guys didn’t do your jobs right in the first place. You’re lucky you’re still gettin’ paid the amount that was agreed upon.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means that if you and your guys spent as much time working as you do talking and taking breaks you probably would’ve done your jobs right the first time, and we wouldn’t be in this situation, or behind a day.” The manger didn’t take too kindly to that statement, and Joel was so close to losing his nerve until he was saved by the bell, literally. Right before he was about to tell the construction manager that he can stick it where the sun don’t shine, his phone started ringing.
Joel sighed while taking his phone out of the carrying case to see it was the preschool calling much to his confusion. He didn’t even notice the construction manager was still talking.
“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take it up with Tommy.” He said while waving him off and answering his phone. “Hello.”
“Mr. Miller.”
“Yeah.”
“This is Elizabeth, (Y/n)’s teacher. We need you to come to the school.” Joel immediately sighs, dragging his hand over his face.
“What’d she do?” He replies in an exhausted tone. He never gets calls from your schools unless it’s to let him know he needed to bring a change of clothes for you. All the preschoolers have to have an extra pair of clothes that’s to be kept in the classroom just in case the kids have an accident or something. But you’ve been acting out a lot lately, and he wouldn’t be surprised if it was for something like that.
“It may be better for you to come up to the school so we can explain it to you face-to-face.” Joel didn’t like the way this was sounding. It was hard for him to pinpoint the emotion that was coming off her voice, which worried him more.
“Okay, I’m on my way.” He sighed while hanging up the phone. He walked over to Tommy who looks like he actually did tell the construction manager to shove it, going off the look on the of their faces. “Tommy, I need you to watch over everything here for a while.”
“What’s goin’ on?”
“That was (Y/n)’s school, they need me to go up there.”
“Is everything okay with bun’?”
“I don’t know her teacher wouldn’t tell me anything. I’m sure she’s fine, she probably just got into it with a kid in her class again.”
“Okay, call me when you find out what’s goin’ on.”
“I will. Alright I’m off, and make sure they actually do their job correctly this time.”
“I got it, go on.”
After that Joel made his way to the truck. Even though he says he’s sure she’s fine, he couldn’t help but worry about you. The tone of your teacher didn’t sound good at all. She sounded worried. And sad? Were you sick? He could deal with a common cold, but your teachers tone indicated something worse than that. And there has been a deadly virus going around the world, it hasn’t made it to America yet at least that’s what they’re telling everyone. But what if it has made it over seas? There’s no cure for it, and what if you had it? That couldn’t happen, to you or Sarah. He wouldn’t know what he would do if he lost one of you. No. Stop. That’s not going to happen. That would never happen. He hates when his mind gets like this, but as a single father the need to protect the two of you is the most important thing to him, and that makes him worry even more because that’s something he can’t ever fail at, and he doesn’t even want to think what’ll happen if he does.
He gets out of the truck and speed walks towards your classroom. He had gotten into his own head, but there’s something inside of him that’s telling him this is as serious as it feels.
“Mr. Miller.” He turns upon hearing his name being called, seeing your teacher standing in the doorway of the office.
“Where is she?” He asks as he makes his way to her. Once he got close enough he realized the tone in her voice wasn’t sadness, but pity? Why would she pity him, and where were you?
“She’s in the principals office. But! But before you go in we should probably explain what happened and why.” She said stopping him from brushing past her.
“What did she get into a fight with another kid or somethin’?” Joel ask impatiently.
“No-”
“Okay, then it can wait.” He moves to fast for her to stop and walks into the principals office to see you sitting in a chair with dried tear stain down your cheeks. He quickly kneeled in front of you gently grasping your hands in his.
“What’s wrong, babygirl. What happened?”
“I wanna go home.” You mumbled
“Ok, you want to tell me why?”
“Mr. Miller, we really need to talk to you.” The principal finally spoke up motioning to the officer hallway. He huffed as he stood up and followed the principal out, but not before he kissed your forehead and told you that he would be back.
“Okay, what’s so important that you had to drag me away from my daughter, who’s been crying? And why is she crying? I swear if that Richardson kid put her hands on her again-” He was annoyed with everyone at this point everyone besides you obviously, he just doesn’t understand why they couldn’t tell him while he comforted his daughter.
“We’re sorry, Mr. Miller. We just didn’t want to make her think that she was in trouble, we just got her to calm down.”
“So, she’s fine?”
“Physically, yes.”
“What? What does that mean?”
“Ms. Elizabeth?” The principal could he was getting upset so she found it best to let your teacher explain what happened.
“Mr. Miller.”
“Would y’all stop calling my damn name and actually tell what the hell’s going on with my daughter?
“Well (Y/n) has been in an agitated mood all day, but that’s not the problem. Uhm, the kids just got back from lunch about 30 to 40 minutes ago, and after they eat I usually let them have play time before I start their last lesson for the day before nap time. Today during play time (Y/n) had a little outburst.” Elizabeth knew she was beating around the bush, but that’s because she has heard this conversation happen many times with other teachers and parents and most often than not the parents don’t respond to well.
“Little outburst?”
“Well not really an outburst, but more of a meltdown. This is the special needs teacher, Ms. Thomson, and a friend of mine so I know what signs to look out for in a child. And (Y/n) has been showing these signs since the beginning of the year. They can be overlooked especially in girls and be seen as ‘normal’ and in a way it is. For her anyway.”
“What are you talking about? Signs for what?” Joel asked in frustrated tone.
Ms. Elizabeth look over at the special needs teacher to nervous to continue, and to make sure that she’s positive of (Y/n)’s condition. To which her friend responded with a nod.
“We think (Y/n) has autism. And before you say anything, the signs are all there. I’ve been watching her since her first day of becoming my student. And we highly recommend that she be tested.”
“What? She’s not autistic. I think I would know if my daughter had autism. Look at her, does she look autistic to you?”
“Autism doesn’t always have a look Mr. Miller, and just because she doesn’t have a physical disablement doesn’t mean she’ll be any less autistic than someone with one. That’s why we recommend getting her tested to find out how far she is on the spectrum.”
“You sound so sure that, that’s what it is. How did y’all come up with autism from her having a ‘meltdown’? And what do you mean by meltdown?”
“Well after I sent the kids to go off and begin playing I noticed (Y/n) hadn’t moved from the table, she just sat there, covering her ears with tears in her eyes. She had been in that position since they came back from lunch. When I asked her what was wrong, she told me the other kids were being too loud. But before I could offer a solution the students behind us started screaming louder than what they were, which triggered somewhat of chain reaction with the rest of the class, so I turned around make sure everything was ok but when I that’s when (Y/n) ran to the bathroom and locked herself in. I had to send the other kids to sit in a classroom with another teacher. (Y/n) was crying. Sobbing. When I unlocked the door she was sitting in the corner squeezing the sides of her head so hard it looked painful. All to try and block out the world because it was too much for her. It broke my heart to see her like that because (Y/n) is sweetest little girl I’ve ever met, and to see her in pain like, any child, it’s a hard thing to see. I had to wrestle with her a little to keep her from hurting herself, but I was able to get her calm enough to sit her in my lap and have her hold onto me while I called Ms. Thomson, who was able to calm her further until she reassociated with everything around her.
“Pain?” That’s when the special needs teacher finally decided to step in and say something.
“It’s called a sensory overload, Mr. Miller. It’s very common in the Autism Spectrum. It’s when someone on the spectrum becomes to overwhelmed with the world around them, and if they can’t find some kind of outlet from everything more than likely it’s going to cause a break down in one way or another.”
“That doesn’t mean she’s autistic-“
“Mr. Miller. Does (Y/n) walk on her tippy toes?
“Yeah, but all babies do that.”
“How does she act when she is in a large crowd or around someone she doesn’t know.” Ms. Thomson was completely calm while asking these questions. Knowing that getting agitated or saying something wrong could keep you from getting the help you need.
“The same as any other kid.”
“Does she get in mood where she doesn’t want to talk or just can’t talk in general?”
“Ok look, you’re only naming things all kids do.”
“Yes, but like every thing else on the spectrum there’s a line where it occurs more than it should. Let me ask you one more question Mr. Miller.
He doesn’t even reply he only took a breath to let her know he didn’t want to talk about the topic anymore. Still in denial, even after everything they just told him.
“Does she tend to twitch, or repeat her movements? Have you ever seen her stiffen or strain her body?” Joel didn’t even reply.
“Your silence speaks volumes Mr. Miller. Please, get her tested. It will help her make it in a society that wasn’t made for her. Giving her benefits she can use to even the playing field with neurotypicals. Don’t you think she deserves that?” Joel really didn’t want to accept this. Knowing that if you are autistic, you’ll face more difficulties in life. All because you were different. Difficulties you’re already facing, he just didn’t want to admit it.
“What do I need do to get her tested?” Joel asked after his little debate. All he can hope that the test comes out as negative, but that’s a long shot, given the special needs teacher already seems so sure, the test was just to confirm it.
Ms. Thomson who was smiling after hearing his agreement answered him. “Nothing, I already have an appointment set up for her with a neurodevelopmental pediatrician, who is also a good friend of mine. So, as soon as she finishes with the evaluation you will get the results. I just needed your approval.”
“Okay. Uh, thank you.”
“No problem.”
“Is it ok if I take her home?” Joel ask looking towards your teacher.
“Yes, I think that’s the best thing for her right now. Being in her safe space with all her things will help her get some much needed rest. I will write down the appointment information and what you’ll need for the evaluation and put it in her backpack for you.”
“Thank you.” After that Joel walked back into the office to see you playing with one of the pens on the principals desk in one hand and your head laying on top of the other. “Hey babygirl. You want to go home?” He asked as he kneeled in front of the chair, while making sure to keep his voice at a low level. Once you nodded he stood up, gently grabbed your hand, and the two of you went to get your bag and appointment information.
January 20, 2003 - 1:00 p.m.
Joel and Tommy were on their lunch break at a burger place when Joel’s phone started ringing. He cleaned his hands and took his phone out it’s carrying case before answering. “Hello?”
“Is this Joel Miller?” A woman’s voice.
“Yeah?”
“Oh, good. This is Tonia, the neurodevelopmental pediatrician that did (Y/n)’s evaluation.”
“Right, so what were the results?”
“Well, the documents are ready for you to come and get them, and I will break everything down once you get here, if you want.”
“Uhhhh yeah, I’ll be there in about 20-25 minutes.”
“Ok, see you then. Bye bye.”
“Bye. Get up Tommy, we gotta go.”
“I’m still eatin’”
“Tommy, bring it with you. Jesus.” Joel mumbled as he rolled his eyes at his younger brother.
They made it to the building, and Joel was doing his best to remember the way to the correct office while also trying to calm his anxious mind. When they made it to the office, Joel knocked on the door frame of the open door before walking in Tonia’s office.
“Here you go.” She said as she handed the papers to Joel who noticed it was about 15 pages.
“Wha-what am I looking at?” He asked looking up at the pediatric who let out a low chuckle, she gets the same reaction from almost all of the parents she encounters.
“Well first things first, I’ve concluded (Y/n) does have ASD. She is what we call a high-functioning autistic, and I came up with that diagnosis based on her teacher’s observations, your own, and from the activities I had her to do. The evaluation explains everything of what that means in detail like her sensitivity to sounds, her not liking to touch certain things, lack of social skills, etcétera.”
“So, what does this mean for her?”
“Well, she can stay in Ms. Elizabeth’s class, there’s no need to move her to the special needs class permanently. But she does have special education, and all that means is that Ms. Thomson will take her in her classroom to help her find ways to calm herself when she feels herself getting overstimulated. Or if she can’t and Ms. Elizabeth sees she is getting overwhelmed or she tells Ms. Elizabeth she’s getting overwhelmed they’ll send her to Ms. Thomson class or a quiet place for her to calm down. And maybe she’ll even have better luck with making friends in the special needs classroom than she does in her regular class. And education wise it means when she gets test she can go to a different classroom to take it and she’ll be able receive more time on any tests she has to take as well.” She looked up from her notes, making sure she got all the main checkpoints, but when she did Joel’s face told her everything she needed to know.
“Mr. Miller, the worst thing you can do for her is to feel bad for her. There’s no reason too.”
“No reason to? The whole point of this was to make sure she gets the help she needs to keep up with everyone else.”
“No, the reason for this was to make sure she had the help if and when she needs it. Academically (Y/n) is one of the smartest kids in her class, actually in her grade. It might take more effort, but she’s keeping up with her classmates. Some of the worst things you can do is pity her, hold her back due to being overprotective, or use it as an excuse to make her seem more fragile. I’m not saying she’s not going to have challenges because she is, but all you have to do is stay beside and make sure she keeps working at it till she gets it. And stay way from describing her condition as ‘slow’ or ‘retarded’. And you can’t punish her because of her stimming or overstimulated behavior. Not saying that you would! I mean- you just wouldn’t believe how many parents would get agitated and angry about things their child can’t control, but I’m sure you’ll be fine. You’re attentive to her, and that’s something she’s going to need from you growing up.” Joel nodded in understanding still skimming through the evaluation packet.
“Thank you for doing this in such short notice.”
“No problem. She’s one of the sweetest kids I’ve met. And cutest.” That caused a smile to appear on Joel’s face. He hasn’t been able to smile much since Thursday, always thinking about you and the whole situation. Which has been weighing on his mind literally 24/7.
“Thank you for this, you have a nice day.” He said before turning around to leave out the office.
“You as well.” She replied also smiling at Tommy, who smiled and winked back, reaching his goal of getting her to laugh.
Joel barely made through the door before Sarah hit him with a “what’d she say?”
“Uhhh- where’s (Y/n)? And how’d you know she called?”
“She called the house phone first. And (Y/n) is upstairs, I just got her out the tub, which she didn’t like, at all.”
“She didn’t want to get out?”
“No, she didn’t want to get in. But she should be finished putting on her pajamas by now.”
“Ok, go get her and I’ll tell y’all the results.”
“Ok.” Sarah ran upstairs to get you, when you both got down stairs and sat on the couch, Sarah sat on the right side of Joel, and he picked you up and sat you on his lap tucking you into his side.
“How was school today, honey.” Joel turning his head towards you.
“Good. Ms. Elizabeth gave me headphones to put on my ears when everything got too loud again.”
“Did she? That was real nice of her.”
“Yeah. How was your day, daddy?”
“It was really good, babygirl. Thank you for asking.” The smile you gave him made his whole day. He thought back to what the pediatrician said about not pitying you because that’s not something you need from him. Looking at you now he realized she was right. He’s going to do his best to give you what you need. Whatever it may be, and he knows you’re going to grow into a smart and beautiful woman. He reached down and kissed your temple getting laugh out of you, a sound he would never get tired of.
Joel turned his towards Sarah, about to ask her how her day went stopped him before he started.
“My day was fine, the same. What did she say?” Joel paused for a second before he chuckled at her before pointing to the where he sat the evaluation.
“That’s the paper, she gave me that explains everything.” He blinked and Sarah had the papers in her hand, while she started reading he turned back to you to explain everything to you somehow.
“Ok babygirl. Do you remember test you had to take with the lady a few days ago?” After you nodded he continued. “You remember she told you it’s going let us know if you think differently than everybody else?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, it turns out you do.”
“Is that bad?”
“No! No, no, no. It’s not bad at all, and don’t let anyone tell you that it is. Ok?”
“Ok.”’
“All it means is some things may be a little harder or more overwhelming to you than other people, but it also means better at other things too.”
“Like what?”
“Like being artistic, and solving puzzles. But it also means you can be smarter than others in your class. You may have to learn some things in a different way, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be smarter. You already are. Ms. Elizabeth told me you were one of the smartest people in your grade.”
“She did!?”
“She did.”
“Wow.” You whispered in awe.
“Yeah, that’s a big deal, and daddy is so proud of you. You remember that, ok? No matter how big you get.”
“I promise, daddy.”
“Good. I love you babygirl.” He said, pressing another kiss to your temple.
“I love you too, daddy.” You said placing a kiss on his cheek.
“Awwwww, that’s so sweet. What are we eating for dinner? I’m hungry.” Sarah interrupted and Joel huffed out a laughed placing a quick kiss on her temple as well.
“I’m proud of you too baby.”
“I know, dad.” She said softly smiling.
“How about we go out for dinner? I really don’t feel like cookin’.”
“Fine with me. Come on (Y/n), let’s go put some clothes on.”
“Okay!” You said as you jumped up from Joel’s lap and ran off to catch up to your big sister.
A/n: Long story short the story was too long🤭🙇♀️😭 so I decided to split it into two parts. I hope you guys enjoy, sorry I took so long. But I love you guys for being patient, I really appreciate it.
#joel miller x autistic!reader#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x daughter!reader#joel miller x reader#hbo tlou#tlou fanfiction#A New Diagnosis#joel miller x autistic!daughter!reader#joel miller x autistic daughter!reader
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Dark Platonic Father! Joel Miller x Daughter! Reader
Before the whole apocalyptic thing, your father Joel was protective of you.
He wasn't even that protective of Sarah, he allowed her to do as she wished, but when it came to you sleeping over at a friend's house or hanging out with friends after school.
The answer was always 'No'
He would lock you in the house for days, calling in the school to inform them that you are 'sick'
You thought at first that he hated you, but over time you realized that there is something wrong with his behavior.
But when the virus spread and your sister died, Joel's protectivness turned into a possessive attitude.
Even Ellie and Tess noticed Joel's strange behavior, especially when you told Ellie about the times when he would lock you up just for disobeying him.
Knowing very well, that your father will strip more of your freedom away, you decided to set up a plan...
...to run away while he is busy fighting.
Yeah, that didn't end well, because Joel managed to find you in the end.
"How did you know that I would be here?"
Joel only points towards your necklace.
Only to realize that there has been a tracker inside of the necklace the whole time.
The look on his face made you realize one thing.
That you will never be able to escape except through death.
But you are bound to stay with him until then.
#tw: toxic relationships#yandere father#platonic yandere#Yandere Joel Miller#joel miller x reader#joel miller#daughter reader#the last of us
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i’ll be brave
▹— joel miller x platonic!f!reader
▹— summary: an infected attack leaves you fragile, in more ways that one.
▹— a/n: prepare for many father figure joel fics bc i love him!! also this is not the best thing ever but i love joel so!! hope you guys enjoy <33 planning on doing some more platonic fics where we see them develop more but alas. this is what you get rn!!
▹— tags: @loversdomain
masterlist
∘₊✧───── ───── ───── ─────✧₊∘
Growing up in the QZ was all you had ever known, your life limited to the walls that surrounded you, trapped you. You’d heard stories about the world outside, though it was such a foreign concept to you, both of horror and nostalgia.
Until Joel, you were certain you’d never see it. The guards that patrolled were too strict, at least where you lived. It was easier to sneak further in than it was to get out, heading towards where most of the residents lived and worked.
Your father would’ve worked here, you thought to yourself, the very first time you’d managed to get into the centre of the QZ. He would have lived and worked and would have known your mother here. Sometimes, you wonder what life could have been like if he hadn’t of died mere weeks after you’d been born. There was a part of you that longed to know where he was from, actually from, before the world fell to pieces. To know his accent, the sound of his voice, the way he acted… anything.
They told you that your mother fled the day he died, leaving you abandoned in a flat crying for hours until the neighbours finally had enough and cracked open the door, finding you there: alone.
That’s how you had lived your life since, alone. Facing the current world with nobody to teach you, nobody to protect you, to help you escape.
You’re sure that Joel finding you was a miracle, though most people didn’t believe in those anymore, or so you were told. But you were certain that if one was to exist, it’d be this man.
The man who, despite his unwelcoming appearance, had hauled you away from the guards who had tried to beat you until you learned the lesson they were teaching. Who had given you shelter even when he knew nothing more than your name, who had lended you blankets and clothes to keep you warm.
Joel himself certainly wasn’t expecting you — your presence scared him. That day, when he saw those guards attacking you, he felt a glimpse of who he used to be in the life before, and he was unable to walk away. It terrified him, more than any clicker or runner ever could, that he may have some humanity left within him after all.
After Sarah, he turned his nose from anyone who could’ve needed his help. Other than those exempt from that, such as Tommy or Tess, he decided that it wasn’t his business.
But when you called out, being struck again by two armed guards, grown adults, something inside of his chest snapped. Like a tether that had been pulled far too taut, frayed away until the tension was too much to bare. He vividly remembers the blood that had dropped from his hands as he pulled you to your feet, remembers the way it matched the droplets that stained your face.
He wasn’t planning on you becoming part of his and Tess’ little… group, but once he found you, you seemed to stick. You didn’t particularly want to leave, anyway, and when the duo didn’t kick you out? You figured there was no harm in staying.
Now, you travelled with them, earning your place among the two adults, even when they suggested you stay home, where it was the slightest bit safer.
They had refused your requests to come with them on runs for a while, but the first time they allowed it was imprinted on your brain as if branded there by hot metal.
The brightness that came with being outside of the QZ was something you truly didn’t expect, though that could’ve just been in your brain. The QZ was dull, full of grey walls and faces and dirt, but out here was full. Greens and yellows and everything between covered the horizon, and you squinted to see as much of it as you possibly could.
Joel had huffed at you, nudging you lightly to keep you moving, but he wasn’t angry. He and Tess had shared a look, something going between their silence that you didn’t understand, and in that moment, you didn’t care to.
By now, you’d been coming on runs with the two of them for a few months, here and there. When they deemed it wasn’t too dangerous, of course.
Which is why today’s occurrence was so odd — it was a regular run, with you spending all your time in the great outdoors admiring everything that surrounded you, something akin to wonder in your eyes. Seeing all the buildings that had crumbled not long after your birth, taken over by nature and its most fearsome monster; cordyceps. As soon as you approached the desired hit of the day, you put your game face on. It was like flicking a switch in your brain — one second, you could have no worries in the world, stuck in your own head as you wandered around. The next, it was like every movement echoed in your ears, the slightest of sounds drawing your attention.
It was meant to be safe.
That is what Joel and Tess had said — god, that was the only reason they let you join them today, on one of their rare daylight outings: the safety factor.
So imagine your surprise when you slipped, ankle twisting as it went through the creaking floorboards of the building, followed by the clicking.
It was like your whole body froze solid, every muscle fibre tensing and pulling taut, eyes wide — a deer in headlights, Tess might’ve described you as, if her heart hadn’t have been beating so fast it could’ve burst.
Your head swivelled towards where Joel stood, just in front of you, to your right. He stared at you, something dark in his eyes, and you swallowed harshly as he held a finger to his lips, shushing you.
Each of your breaths came out silently, the only sound being the echoing clicks before the footsteps started coming towards the three of you, directly from your left. You swore you could hear the drip of blood in the quiet between each footstep of the monster.
You kept your eyes towards Joel and Tess, as much as you wanted to look to your left, where the sounds were starting to get louder. You watched them as they shared a conversation through their eyes, a nod of understanding held between the two of them. Joel’s expression was pained, but Tess put on her best brave face, giving you a wink.
“Hey, asshole!” Tess yelled, before scrambling to run ahead, a screech echoing in your ear, deafening you. Your breath hitched as she ran, and the clicker followed before your eyes.
As soon as its attention was on Tess, Joel was grasping you underneath your armpits, hauling your leg out of the hole it had fallen in. You held in your cries and winces as the broken floorboards left splinters and cuts all along your calf, your ankle hurting like a bitch.
He was pulling you out before you could utter a word, and by the time he managed to get you outside, your blood had covered your shoe. He leant you against the broken wall that had surrounded the building, ensuring you could stay upright — though you couldn’t put pressure on your leg — before he barked out a, “Stay here!” and ran back inside for Tess.
Your heart was beating in your ears, your throat clogged up as you did your best not to cry. This was your fault — had you not insisted upon joining them again, they would’ve never been put in this situation. They could die in there, and you were stuck out here, unable to even stand on your own two feet.
The pain in your leg was worsening now that you weren’t in imminent danger, though you were sure you were going to pass out when you heard the gun fire a single round.
“Are you guys okay?” You all but yelled as soon as you saw them emerging from the door, Tess leading, seemingly unharmed, with Joel following in much the same condition.
“We’re fine,” Tess breathed out as she approached you, leaning against the wall beside you. “It’s dead.”
“Are you alright?” Joel asked, his hand grasping on to your forearm, keeping you steady where you were shaking, holding yourself up against the rough surface of the wall. You nodded, breath still not able to properly filter out past the lump in your throat.
He knelt in front of you, hands reaching out and pulling the trouser leg up to see the full extent of your injury properly.
“Shit, kid,” he sighed out, looking up to Tess, “we’ve seen worse. We can manage.” He dropped the backpack where it was hung on his one shoulder, digging through it to tape some spare cloth around your injury, taping it around your ankle to keep it secure, too.
When he finally got you on your feet, silence lingering between all of you, he had to help you carry your own weight all the way back to your home in the QZ.
By the time you had managed to pick all the splinters out of your leg, Joel and Tess had gone to their beds, leaving you in the ‘living room,’ alone.
You felt sick, knowing you could have gotten all three of you killed today, just because you wanted a taste of the world that had long since decayed past anything worth wanting. Finally left on your own, the tears spilled past your eyelids, cleaving clean lines through the dirt and muck that caked your cheeks.
You couldn’t help but feel terrified, like you could still hear that damned creature coming for you. Like its footsteps echoed in your own home, right now.
With a fearful sob, you looked up to where you swore the sound come from, only to find Joel approaching, frown present on his face. His eyebrows were creased upwards, taking his expression from grumpy to worried.
Without a word from him, he came and sat beside you on the couch, wrapping the blanket that usually stayed firmly on the back of it around your shivering shoulders.
You clutched at it, wanting nothing more than to hide underneath it and pretend the entire day hadn’t happened — you wanted to forget the fear that shredded your veins, leaving your heart hammering. If you could just lose the entire memory of today, you would in a heartbeat, because the idea of leaving the QZ again with Joel and Tess made you feel sick.
Joel sighed, coming to kneel in front of you after you continuously avoided looking towards him. His hands reached out to your leg, the movement sending deja vu straight through you. He checked over your injury again, wrinkles caused by his frowning getting deeper. “You know it’s all okay, right?” He checked, finally, unsure what else to say in the quiet you usually tended to fill.
“It’s not o—okay, Joel,” you sobbed out, barely even breathing between your cries, “I al—almost got you and Tess kill—killed.”
“No, no, listen to me, kid. The… situation today was not your fault. Hear me? Not your fault. We thought it was safe, it wasn’t, that happens. We’re just glad you’re okay. Mostly.” He added on, nodding towards your bruised and bloodied leg.
“I tried so h—hard to be brave,” you continued, now even more hysterical as you thought of the way that thing approached you, how it could’ve killed any one of you had you made the slightest noise.
“I know,” Joel said, and he returned to your side at the couch, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and squeezing it with his hand. “You were very brave, and I’m sorry you had to be.”
Part of Joel couldn’t help but feel like this was too much, too reminiscent of the daughter he’d lost. It made his head spin, even as he pulled you closer at the sound of your continuous cries, the way you could bring back that piece of him, the piece with some kind of humanity.
You didn’t have anybody else. All you had was Tess and Joel, and all he had was you and Tess, at least while his brother was out of town. This thing you had built, during the apocalypse and all, was a family.
“C’mon, kid,” he said, nudging your shoulder with his hand, “It’s alright. We’ll go out just to see the outside, next time. No risk of infected.”
“No, I—I don’t want to get you guys hurt again.” You responded, shaking your head and feeling your tears slow, remembering the pain that burned through your leg. You didn’t want to experience anything like today ever again, even if that meant staying inside the walls of the QZ for the rest of your life. “You didn’t even get what we went out for, because of me.”
His chest lurched, and he huffed a frustrated breath. “I don’t give one shit about that,” Joel said, leaving it to you to catch on to the end of that sentence that he couldn’t quite bring himself to say. I care about you.
You couldn’t tell him how you truly felt — like dead weight, a burden they couldn’t get rid of. You stayed with them, ate their food and used up their supplies, and now you were ruining the only way for them to get a decent income, too. It’d upset him, hearing you say that aloud. You knew it would.
“I just… I don’t want to end up alone.” You translated, the best you could do to tell him that you needed the two of them, for more than just the ability to survive they provided you with.
You knew they missed the old world, everybody who had lived before the outbreak did, as much as they tried not to think about it. It was a deep longing for something you would never know. While their world was gone, they were your world.
Joel’s arm squeezed you close, like all the words that refused to leave his lips could be heard that way.
In a way, it told you everything you needed to know.
Your eyes closed soon enough, and you missed the look that crossed Joel’s face, the warmth in his eyes that he never thought would return after the loss of his first daughter. And yet here it was, present and warm as ever, as he looked at where you’d fallen asleep resting against him.
#joel miller x you#joel miller x reader#joel miller one shot#joel miller imagine#tlou imagines#tlou one shot#tlou imagine#joel miller fic#joel miller father figure#platonic joel miller x reader#joel miller angst#joel miller fluff#pedro pascal imagine#heartpascal writes
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Your Bear Part II
summary: you are found (part I)
Joel Miller x daughter!reader, Tommy Miller x niece!reader
warnings: angst, reunion, violence, infected, happy ending :))
not sure if i like this as much as the first part but i hope yall do. i just want to thank you all for the response to my past few fics (especially your bear). its been unreal. i stopped writing for a while and these were my first ones back so this was an insane response to it! thank you so much for your love and appreciation it really does mean a lot!
also! i tagged basically everybody who left a comment asking for part 2 - sorry if thats annoying idk ive never done a taglist before. thanks for the comments tho :)
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request guidelines (new)
requests are open
word count: 2.3k
22 Years Ago...
The world around you screamed for help. People ran around, skin on fire, missing massive chunks.
You wailed as they passed, hands tightened around your ears. You just wanted to find help. You wanted to save Sarah. This wasn’t what you expected.
“D-ad,” You cried, hiccupping, “D-addy!” You missed his touch. You missed his voice and his face. His laugh. You just wanted your daddy.
But which way had you come from?
You stood, idle, in an alley way you didn’t recognize, a man lay a few feet beside you. Blood seeped from his neck, running to kiss the tips of your shoes.
He twitched.
Your breath caught in your throat, the hair on your neck stood high. “D-daddy,” You whimpered, quieter than before, “Please.”
He looked at you now. His face grotesque, the shape of jagged teeth marked his greyish skin. White, stringy tendrils extended out of his mouth as he crawled to you – his legs being left behind as he did.
You screamed when his nails scratched against your shoe. In the panic, your bear fell from your grasp, landing in the bloodbath.
You tried backing up from the monster, but his hand stopped you. His claws captured your ankle.
You didn’t realise you were falling until your back hit the wet ground. You let out a shriek as he trailed up your body. “P-please,” You sobbed, “D-ad! D-addy!”
The creature didn’t even flinch. He opened his jaws further, searching for your small neck, ready to mark you just as he had been.
But a shot sounded off and his weight settled on your petite body.
A strong force tugged him off you, the same force pulling you into their arms. You wailed, fighting against the stranger’s grip.
“It’s okay, sweetgirl, you’re okay,” She told you, rushing you away from the scene, “You’re going to be okay; I promise.”
x
You didn’t know what to make of Jackson. It was nice, you supposed. Weird though. It felt like what you imagined before felt like. Not that you remembered much. You remembered how loud cars were, how the TV remote worked, how to strum a guitar.
You remembered your sisters voice, her hair, how smart she sounded even if you didn’t understand a word.
You wished you remembered your dad. He was a blur to you. Like you had missed a chapter of a book and now a new character had no face. You remembered his laugh though. It was sweet, slow. Like a lullaby. You recalled being held to his chest and feeling the vibrations.
You wished you remembered your dad.
Sarah had settled in quickly, at least that’s what you thought. She was happy to be around people other than her mom (you tried not to internalise it all that much).
In the week since you arrived Sarah had grown attached to the strangers that took you under their wing. You still weren’t so sure. But when Sarah made grabby hands to the older man and all she got was a dejected smile in response a part of you hurt. You didn’t understand why.
They’d kept their distance or rather he had. Ellie came round every day. She loved Sarah. She loved you, even if, like Joel, you were a little rough around the edges.
But for a reason unbeknownst to you Joel couldn’t be in a room with you for longer than five minutes. You didn’t let it bother you too much. You couldn’t. You didn’t want to make trouble and get the pair of you kicked out or worse separated.
Ellie had come to you earlier that day, smile wide, cheeks rosy. She had a glint in her eyes, a plan. One you really didn’t want to know about nor be a part of.
Excitedly, she told you about the couple who lived across from her and Joel - his brother. Tommy and Maria and the somewhat new addition of Lily, their little girl. Ellie had told them about you - although missing out some of the major minor details. They agreed to have you over she had said. And despite the age difference between Lily and Sarah the older girl was excited to meet her.
So, there you stood, Sarah shielded from the cold into your chest. You raised your hand awkwardly, knocking a little harder than you expected.
A woman opened the door. She was beautiful, smiley, friendly. You couldn’t tell if that was a façade or not. That made the nerves in your stomach stiffen. “C’mon in, sweetheart,” Maria ushered you inside after she confirmed it was you.
You forced a smile for her, “Nice place.”
Maria nodded, looking around the room proudly, “Thank you.” She urged you to take a seat, letting you know her husband, Tommy, was just dressing Lily.
“So, you’re younger than I thought you would be,” She confessed, “Not to be rude or anything.”
“No, it’s okay,” You cleared your throat, sitting opposite her, Sarah making a home on your lap, “I’m 27.”
“Wow,” She smiled, “And what about her?”
You stroked the top of Sarah’s head, where her hair had slightly begun to grow, “Couple weeks now.”
Maria shifted ever so slightly in her seat, unspoken sympathy in her eyes, “And the father?” You stilled, escaping her gaze you looked towards the coffee table, taking inventory of the odd books they had. “I’m sorry,” She spoke quietly, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“N-no,” You cleared your throat sheepishly, “There isn’t... her dad did what he had to.” You still remembered his screams.
“I’m sorry,” Maria frowned, hands soothing over her jeans, wishing Tommy would appear to aid the situation.
“Don’t be,” You said earnestly, “He got us here, right? One way or another...” Maria wasn’t sure you really meant that. The lost look in your eyes told her what she needed to know. As did your shaking knee. You’d give anything to have him back. She bit her lip, somewhat guessing the rest.
“Sorry ‘bout that,” A males voice cut through the tension, “Wouldn’t stop squirming for the life of me.”
Maria chuckled opening her arms to grab Lily, introducing you as she did. He blanched hearing that name. He near screamed seeing that face - your face but so much different, so much more mature.
Tommy blinked a few times, wondering if his eyes were deceiving him. He whispered your name carefully, as if you were a wild animal, prone for violence.
Maria gave him an odd look, moving Lily over to you and Sarah. “And this is our sweetheart, Lily,” She told you as Lily began fussing relentlessly in her arms, desperate to touch the baby.
“Baby,” She cooed.
“Yeah, that’s right,” You mused, croakily, inching closer to the pair, “This is Sarah, Lily.”
Tommy wanted to throw up. He felt it dancing up his throat, teasing his uncertainty. He felt stuck. He truthfully didn’t know what to do or what to say. Should he straight out ask you? You didn’t seem to recognise him though. Maybe it was a clone? A doppelgänger? Should he run over to Joel’s for safety away from this confusion?
Joel.
Did Joel know? He had to know. He needed to know.
“Tommy what’s wrong?” Maria called to him. He choked a little, eyes trailing over to the plaque that watched over their new life. The plaque he knew had no place for your name. He knew it. You were here.
Maria followed his gaze, a weird feeling in her chest as she saw her husband so unlike himself. She read Joel’s daughter’s name. Sarah. Was he freaked out because they shared the same name?
She gulped - it wasn’t just the baby whose name was shared but yours too it seemed. You couldn’t be, right? No- You died. Joel was so sure you died and despite all Tommy had told her, all the hope he had for you, she always found herself on Joel’s side. Funny that. Any other situation she would’ve made a point to oppose the eldest Miller.
But now... You were just five. You couldn’t have survived on your own. You wouldn’t have had a life in this world.
But again, hadn’t you said you were 27?
“Go,” She told him, firmly, “Make sure.” Tommy nodded, failing to hide his tears as you watched in confusion and darted out of the room with a sense of urgency that unsettled your stomach.
“Is everything okay?”
Maria’s attention snapped back to you, “Fine... everything’s fine.”
A disconcerting feeling swam under your skin and a sudden resolve to flee hit you. “I- We should probably go,” You mumbled, bringing Sarah to your chest once more.
“Wait, please,” She attempted, “Just wait.”
You shook your head, apologising softly before rushing out of the house. You caught eyes with two men across the road - Joel and Tommy. They stood on his porch, seemingly arguing with each other.
You spotted Ellie watching through the window, a guilty look on her face - what had she done?
The brothers stared at you as you left the home. Their eyes didn’t leave you for a second. Tommy called your name, desperately but when he moved to catch up with you, Joel pulled him back.
He clenched his jaw as you rushed back to your home, out of sight. “She was my niece, Joel,” He scowled, “My fuckin’ family too.”
Joel shook his head, shaking off the shame Tommy was trying to force on him.
“You don’t get to keep this kind of thing from me,” He yelled, “You- You are unbelievable, Joel.”
“Unbelievable?” He mocked, “Is it so unbelievable that I didn’t want to advertise to the whole goddamn town that she was my daughter when, hell, I don’t even know if she really is!”
“Bullshit,” Tommy spat, “You’re not stupid. You knew. Of course, you fucking knew. You knew like how I knew. One look. That’s all it woulda took you. No… you knew. You were just too scared - like always. And that, your selfishness, takes us all down with you.”
“Fuck you,” He grunted, storming back inside.
“Christ,” Tommy mumbled, turning back to his own home.
You had a baby.
You were here, alive.
x
You steered clear from the group for a little while afterwards. The whole situation made you heart clench. It felt like a game that you didn’t know the rules of, but they did. All of them did and they were careful not to reveal anything. But you wanted to know - you needed to.
You knew it involved Joel or at least you felt like it had to. The way he looked at you when you first met. The way he spoke. The way he shook. It had to be him. He had to be the answer.
You gave up on your attempts to avoid them when you came to that realisation.
The same realisation that brought you here, at his front door in the middle of the night. You shyly knocked a few times - no response. You repeated the action with a little more force, a little too much. The door creaked open on the contact, but no one came to greet you.
You sucked in a harsh breath as you debated entering. The door was open right? Fair game? Silently you forced yourself to step inside.
Their home was dark - one lamp lighting a whole room. You frowned looking over to it. Someone had to be here, right? Where else would they be so late?
And then you saw him. Joel. The contradictory man. He was asleep. His body was sprawled all over the couch, an empty bottle of God knows what lay beside him as did what looked like... a bear?
Shakily, you took a step forward, his name dying in your throat as you saw the bear in a better light.
It was... yours.
Why would Joel have your bear? The bear that when you were a child was essentially an extension of you. The bear that chased away all the bad dreams. The bear that your dad had gotten you - your dad.
You gulped - the bear you hadn’t seen since the night you lost everything. Since the night you almost lost your life.
Joel shifted in his sleep, pulling the bear close to his chest, careful of its head as if it was a baby. Your eyes burned. A gasp escaped your lips. You could read the chapter now. You can see that character’s face - your fathers face.
Different but the same.
“D-dad,” You whispered before you could stop yourself and backed away.
Your back met the door, slamming it shut. The man jolted awake, alarmed eyes frantically searching the room before landing on you. They grew small, weaker, like he wasn’t all the way there.
Joel watched you closely, taking note of your falling tears, he spoke your name. You choked on a sob, hand clasping over your mouth. “Baby,” He shot up before he had a moment to think and approached you.
You didn’t flinch away, like he expected. You didn’t stop crying either. You studied him now. The wrinkles. The scars. The grey hairs. The same look in his eyes.
“How long have you known?”
He flinched at that. Your voice so familiar, so broken. “Since we met,” He didn’t have to try too hard to understand what you were getting at. He felt shameful, though. This shouldn’t have been the way, right? This felt too casual, too unknown.
You wanted to ask more, yell at him. Beg him to tell you why it wasn’t the first thing that he told you. But you didn’t. Instead you put one foot in front of the other, until you were mere inches from him. “Dad,” You shuddered.
He hadn’t realised how much he missed being called that, how much he missed being your dad.
“Babygirl,” He took your face in his hands, “My baby grown up.” He watched you closely, tears welling up, “I’m so sorry, babygirl. I’m sorry.”
You shook your head, slamming yourself into his chest, “It’s okay. I’m okay.”
“Oh, baby,” Joel wrapped his arms around you, hand cradling the back of your head.
“With me, babygirl,” He smiled for moment before letting it fall, “Don’t go away again, babygirl, never go away again.”
You smiled into his chest, whimpering softly, “I won’t, dad, I promise.”
x
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#joel miller imagine#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller angst#joel miller x daughter!reader#tommy miller x platonic!reader#tommy miller x niece!reader#ellie williams x platonic!reader#the last of us imagine#joel miller x platonic!reader
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𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐌𝐞 𝐇𝐨𝐰 - 𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐍𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐒𝐭𝐚𝐲 𝐈𝐧 𝐁𝐞𝐝
pairing: pre outbreak!joel miller x f!reader, one sided tommy miller x f!reader
genre: angst, smut, romance, slow burn, mutual pining, secret relationship
series summary: After your grandfather’s passing, you find yourself moving into his home in Texas. You meet the Millers; Tommy, his older brother Joel and his daughter Sarah. With time, you and Tommy become close friends and Sarah visits you often. But Joel…Joel keeps his distance. The reason for this is due to one crucial fact you don’t know but he does; Tommy has a crush on you. Which means you’re off limits no matter what. But as your own feelings for Joel grow, things start to get more and more complicated.
word count: 5.3k
chapter summary: You and Joel spend the night together.
warnings: piv sex, oral sex, breath play, dirty talk, fingering, spitting, cockwarming
Chapter Eight || Chapter Ten
You know these walls too well - they're thin as paper, carrying every sound from one room to the next. You can still vividly remember waking up to the sounds of your grandparents' murmurs and footfalls in the early hours of the morning when you and August were just kids. Sound travels easily when you aren’t careful. Both you and Joel had been cautious climbing up the stairs. August was still in the shower. You can make out the steam billowing from under the bathroom door like a fiery dragon with sharp teeth.
You close the door silently, Joel right behind you. He’s seen your room before but it feels different now, having him here. The air that surrounds you is heavy with tension and blurted out confessions. You didn’t think much when you invited him upstairs. All you knew is that you didn’t want to part from him. You wanted him to stay. Finding it too difficult to face him, you tentatively walk up to the window, your fingers curling around the edge of the curtains with the intention to close them.
You can't help but think about the way his room is just across from yours. On your second day of living here, you noticed that your room looked directly into Joel's. It's like you're connected by some invisible thread. Tommy had stopped by later in the day, offering to show you around. You didn’t really need him to show you around. You already knew these parts well. But you accepted his kind offer anyway, knowing that the other man just wanted to get to know the new neighbor.
Joel creeps up behind you. His body firm and strong, his heat suffocating, his presence enough to crush you into nothingness. You notice the curtains to his bedroom are drawn tight and your stomach churns with something unpleasant. Joel traces a path down the delicate fabric of your dress with the back of his fingers, his touch following the gentle curve of your spine. You lean into his touch. The curve of your ass brush against the front of his jeans, and you can't help but let out a breath, the sound echoing through the quiet room. Your heart beats so loudly in your veins that you're sure Joel can hear it too.
“This is going to sound creepy but I always hated it when you closed the curtains.”
“I’ve never had a stalker before. It’s sweet.” he teases, kissing your shoulder. “Did you look into my room often?”
A puff of air escapes through your nostrils, “I wouldn’t say often. Just on days I felt lonely. It was more frequent when I first moved in, though. You were so cold to me back then.”
“I had to be,” he murmurs, his voice sounding almost in pain. Guilty. “I was tryin’ to keep away from you.”
“Why?”
“You know why.”
You do. It’s more clear to you now. You think of all the times when Joel felt like nothing but a grumpy neighbor. Back then you had no inkling that his unpleasant mood had anything to do with Tommy. You also weren’t aware that Tommy wanted you in any way else but a friend. Guilt gnaws at your insides—you should stop this right? You should tell Joel to go home and wait until one of you explained the situation to Tommy. The younger Miller was contempt to be your friend, but would he be as understanding if he learned you were screwing his brother? You’re pretty postive that’s a big no-no in the brother handbook. Your thoughts wander to August. If the two of you fancied the same person, and said person chose him…you would want him to come clean right? It would be better compared to the alternative: Tommy catching you on Joel’s lap.
A chill settles at the end of your spine. You ignore the sudden excitement coursing through your veins. This isn’t quite the moment to be exploring what kinks you may or may not have. Almost angrily, you yank the curtains closed and turn to Joel. You throw your arms over his broad shoulders, pulling him close.
Joel hums. His hands move up the back of your thighs, your skin prickles with a mix of excitement and apprehension. You feel the fabric of your skirt gather and lift, revealing more of yourself to him. Calloused fingers follow the swell of your ass. He feels the lace with his fingertips, tracing the patterns. It tickles. You feel a dampness collecting at the seam. Joel leans in, and you’re half convinced he knows the mess gathering between your thighs as he brushes his lips against yours.
“This feels like a dream,” you whisper, eyes fluttering closed.
“It’s not, sweetheart. Hey, look at me,” And you do. His pupils are blown wide like he’s taken every drug on the planet. Your pulse quickens. You feel the warmth of his hand envelop yours. He places the tingling limb against the front of his pants. You apply pressure. Feeling the thickness through his jeans. “See? You can feel me, right? Feel how hard you make me. I’m all flesh and bone, darlin’. Real. This ain’t no dream you’re gonna wake up from.” he lets out a deep, shuddering breath. “So if you want to stop, better tell me now.”
You look into his eyes. You know that he means it. You know that if you show even a hint of reluctance, he would stop, no questions asked. He’s a good man. You can tell he’s trying very hard not to avert his gaze so you don’t think that he’s lying. Your heart beats steadily, every slow pump loud and deafening in your ears. Lifting your hand, you cup his cheek. His reaction is imminent. You feel the scruff of his cheek scratching the inside of your palm. The chafe alone to rising goosebumps over your warm skin. Somewhere you hear a clock. In his eyes, you see Dali’s Persistence Of Memory; colorful clocks melting away like cheese. Time is fleeting. Crumbling away. You’ve never felt that notion as strongly as you do now. As if the world is coming to an end soon; your body reacting and trying to warn you—SEIZE THIS MOMENT BEFORE IT’S GONE.
Tears prick at the back of your eyes. Your steady heart now beating a mile a minute. You’re having trouble understanding what’s happening. Joel is here. He’s not going anywhere. You’re not going anywhere either. So why is your body reacting like it’s about to cease to exist?
“I want this,” you gasp, voice quivering. “I don’t want to stop, Joel. I don’t want to waste any more time.”
“Neither do I, darlin’.”
Joel strips you slowly, stealing kisses as he lowers the zipper at the back. His fingers dance over the exposed skin and slide up to your shoulders. He pushes down the straps of your dress. Your breath catches in your throat. Joel doesn’t allow the dress to fall, instead, he holds it gently and pulls it down, kneeling as he does so. You feel his lips on your bare thighs. He moves up to your clothed sex and presses his lips against the mound, inhaling your scent. Arousal builds sticky and wet underneath the fabric. Your legs start to tremble, prompting Joel to grip the back of them, steadying you. He makes his way up leisurely. Kissing your stomach, the skin above your sternum and following a path to your neck.
By the time he reaches your lips again, you’re begging him to touch you. His name a prayer exhaled from your lungs. His tongue follows the seam of your lips and as you open up for him, he undoes the clasp of your bra. It falls to the floor softly, joining your dress. He takes a deep breath, nostrils flaring. Joel presses into you, his large hands cupping and kneading your breasts as he shoves his tongue deeper, groaning into your mouth. You mold into each other. He leaves no room to breathe, suffocating you, his tongue sliding over yours. You’d happily die in his arms.
Both his thumbs simultaneously swipe over your peaked nipples and you break away. The sudden flow of oxygen makes your world spin. He’s still hungry for you. Dipping into your neck and sucking the sensitive skin. Your head falls back, his one hand slips to your back, holding you.
“Let me taste you,” he mutters.
Joel falls to his knees once more. A sign of worship. He slips his fingers under the elastic of your underwear, pulling down the fabric. You hiss when the cool air chills your soaked folds. He hums in approval, his eyes glued to you as your underwear joins the pile of clothes. Mesmerized, he pushes to fingers between the lips, stroking your clit and feels your growing wetness.
“Shit, sweetheart. What a pretty cunt. This all for me?”
“Yes,” you swallow audibly and he smiles, his eyes meeting yours. “All of it is for you, Joel.”
Numerous nights you have thought of him; his fingers, his tongue, his cock. But none of it—none of it could’ve prepared you for the actual thing.
Your knees buckle at his first taste of you. He squeezes your thighs, smoothing his palms over your tight flesh. You can’t help it though, you’re shaking like a leaf. Joel doesn’t seem to care. In fact, it looks like he enjoys how quickly you submit to him. He groans into your cunt, tongue delving deeper between your folds as his nose nudges repeatedly against your clit. Every stroke of the warm muscle a pRickling sense of pleasure that sears your skin.
You whimper, “J-Joel—I…It’s t’much. I can barely stand.”
His eyes flicker upward to meet yours. Mouth still buried in your pussy, wiggling his tongue as you coat his chin with slick. He observes you for a moment. Takes in your heavy gaze, your parted lips, your sweat-soaked skin.
Joel briefly removes himself from you, a string of saliva following his lips. You swallow.
“Fine,” he rasps, his drawl heavier than usual. “Lay on the floor.”
“W-What?”
Immediately after you’re tripping backwards, his hands coming around you to cushion your fall. You can't help the giggle that escapes your throat.
“Joel, there’s a bed right there.”
“Later,” he murmurs and dips into your heat again. “I haven’t had my fill of you yet and I’m out of patience.”
There’s something wildy erotic about being on the floor, spread out for him. Like a tired warrior finally collecting his spoils. He pushes your legs over his shoulders, saliva-filled mouth hovering an inch away from your pussy. He breaths heavily, watching you pulse and drip. Joel spreads you with two fingers, pointed tongue swirling around your clit before he dips lower, stroking and massaging you with his mouth. Your head falls back, pleasure raking over your skin. Joel is still fully clothed. You love being exposed to him like this. So needy, and bare, and open. He takes it, happily—takes every part of you and cherishes it. It almost makes you want to cry. He’s so willing. And he’s making you feel incredibly good with his mouth. He’s lost in you, and you’re lost in him.
“Does it feel good?” he groans, not bothering to look at you. Despite him not being able to see, you let out a whimper and nod frantically. He nips at the skin right under your pubic bone. “Tell me it feels good, honey.”
“It does,” you choke out with a strangled moan. “God, it feels so good. I think—”
I love you—
You cut off before the words can spill. You can’t. Not now. Not when you just got him. You blame the heavy fog that settles over your brain. You feel for him, this much you both know— but your feelings can’t be that strong yet. It’s just the hopeless romantic in you that wants to take control.
You’re not sure if Joel fills in the blanks of where your sentence was leading to. Your thighs bracket his face, soft flesh closed over his burning red ears. The only indication that gives you a hint that he heard you is from the way he groans and tilts your hips up, pushing his tongue into the tight ring.
A loud gasp rips from your throat. You nearly scream his name, covering your mouth at the very last second. You’re positive he noticed that. Heat coils under the soft flesh of your stomach. He wiggles his way deeper, pushing, pushing and pushing. His mouth moves languidly between the slit. A gentle caress from his lips. You grip his head, back forming the perfect arch as you start to grind down, chasing your lingering orgasm.
But then you lose him, and you nearly sob.
“No,” he says, his voice scratchy and deep. “Let me make you come. I want to explore you, sweet girl. Want to see what makes you tick.”
“B-But—”
“Do you trust me?”
You dare and look down. His eyes are rounder, charcoal pupils eating at the color of his eyes, dilated with lust. Swallowing thickly, you nod. You catch his mischievous smirk as he dips back down between your legs.
Before you feel his mouth again, without warning he purses his lips and spits—loudly. It lands on your clit, the gentle force of it making you jump and hiss between clenched teeth. He starts rubbing your clit, wickedly, and when he’s satisfied with the extra shine of your pussy, he spits again. Seeing him makes your eyes roll back, a string of spit connecting him with you. Your chest heaving, you feel another gush of arousal rolling down your sensitive skin. He’s unbelievable. You’ve never expected him to be so raw and visceral.
“My pretty neighbor all spread out for me,” he groans, rubbing two fingers over your aching clit. The sudden pressure makes you jolt. “God, honey, I could just spend the rest of my days between your legs. Tasting you, watchin’ you go stupid for me.”
You garble out something inaudible. Joel grins and lowers his mouth, swiping his tongue over you before looking up again. “What was that?” he teases. “I couldn’t quite catch what you said?”
You swallow and lick your lips, your mouth drier than sandpaper. “Mouth.” you say, the rest of the words dying on your tongue.
��Mouth?” he grins. “Mouth where?” your breath catches in your throat when instead of feeling him on your throbbing pussy, you feel him against the inside of your thigh. “Here?” he asks. “Or…here?” then he presses his mouth above your mound, taking in a deep breath. “Oooor—”
“Fuck, Joel stop,” you snap, tugging at his hair. “My pussy. I want your mouth on my pussy—Please…”
Time slows. His gaze moves to you languidly, flitting across your face, taking in the state you’re in. He reaches out, swiping a tear that had unknowingly escaped the confinements of your lashes.
“Okay,” he whispers, the trace of cruel mocking gone. “You look so pretty right now. You know that right?”
He says it so earnestly that, despite not truly believing it, you nod. This seems to comfort him because his swollen lips close over your clit, sucking hard. A moan rips from the back of your throat. Your nails biting into his scalp. He sucks again, tongue lapping at the sensitive nub rapidly. His name falls from your lips. Your legs trembling as it frames his face, the burn from his beard a pleasant one. He moves down and pushes his tongue inside you, fucking you with it. Two fingers deftly circle your clit—It’s too much. He’s giving you everything, all at once. Spit drips down to your chin, your mouth dropping wide with no noise.
Heat rolls in your stomach, spreads all across your body. Your skin prickles and your walls start to flutter, squeezing his tongue.
Your orgasm rips away from you. It’s violent, lingering over the line of being downright painful. Your eyes snap wide, panic flares in you when you realize all those voices you held back started to bubble from your lungs and move up your throat. Your vocal cords shaking with a need to shout. Your nostrils flare, your lungs expand, his name is on the tip of your tongue, about to burst. All the while your orgasm still rolls over you, leaving you dizzy and aching between your legs. But before your fear of your brother hearing you comes into reality, Joel clamps a hand over your mouth, his heavy palm muffling the voices.
The strokes of his tongue become softer, slower—sweeter. Like cool velvet on your burning skin. You exhale through your nose, the remnants of your orgasm fading. Your breathing evens out and his hand moves to cup your cheek, thumb stroking the skin gently. He kisses the swell of your stomach and you whine at the loss of his sinful tongue.
“Wow,” he croaks, making his way up your body. His lips glistens with slick, his mustache damp. A lazy smile blossoms on your lips. “You taste amazing. Best thing I’ve tasted in my life.”
“I guess dinner wasn’t good then.”
He chuckles, wet lips brushing over yours. “That ain’t what I meant, sweetheart. Your chicken was great.”
“I’m glad.”
You slightly shift to get more comfortable, and when you do, Joel let’s out a strangled moan. With a look of mischief, your smile shifts into a grin. He’s embarrassed, his eyes dropping to your chest instead of holding your gaze. A beautiful shade of red spreads out from his chest and darkens his neck. Still smiling, you lift yourself and press your mouth into the crook of his neck, sucking the sweat-soaked skin tenderly.
“Joel?” you ask and he hums, eyes fluttering closed. “Do you want to fuck me now?”
He grunts, “God, yes.”
“Do you want to move to the bed?”
Joel mulls over your question for a moment. His chin shifts to one side then the other, then, with a shy smile, he meets your gaze.
“I—” he clears his throat. “I kinda like it…being on the floor. If that’s okay? I promise after that we’ll get on the bed.”
Your smile never faltering, you nod. You’re happy you’re not the only one enjoying the instinctiveness of being on the floor. His hands skim down your body, one finding purchase between the curve of your back and the floor. He gently cups your hip, pressing his fingers into the flesh. “Are you uncomfortable?”
“Not at all.”
He’s been waiting for that answer because as soon as you give it to him, his hand is between your bodies, unzipping himself with one hand and pulling his cock out. You salivate when you feel the heavy weight of him over your stomach. A bead of precum sticks to your skin, he rolls his hips, smearing wetness over your lower abdomen. You sigh blissfully, head falling and your legs parting to accommodate the width of his hips.
Sitting back on his knees, he slowly touches his cock, watching your pliant body overcoursed by tremors. With a deep sigh, your eyes drop to his length. It shouldn’t surprise you that he has a pretty dick. Your mouth waters. He’s thick, and the thought of him stretching you makes you clench and drool all over the carpet underneath. He’s definitely been blessed and you keen at the sight of him poking through his jeans. His palm swipes over the head, coating himself in a sheer amount of precum. Soft, dark curls crown the base. You imagine yourself taking him between your lips, feeling him throb deep within your throat, constructing your breathing.
With a soft moan, your fingers trace the slit of your sex, you’re so wet.
“You’re temptin’ me to just come like this,” he coos, stealing the air from your lungs.
You change the subject, eager to see more of his sunkissed skin, “Aren’t you going to take off your clothes?”
“Later,” he dismisses again, aligning himself with your entrance. You feel the tip of his cock and shudder.
“Oh, you like this hmm?” you purr, watching his brows pinch together with confusion. “You like having me all naked and vulnerable—completely at your mercy, while you’re still fully clothed, only your dick out—ah,” you pant heavily as he starts to fuck you with just the tip, working you open. A smile tugs at his lips. “Don’t worry, I love it too—god, I love it so much. I love opening up myself to you, Joel. I wish I could rip my chest open and show you all of it.”
He doesn’t answer with his words but with his body instead. He burrows himself into your space, his mouth finding yours in a sloppy kiss. Tongues and lips moving haphazardly, a confession of sorts. He sinks into you, inch by inch. His weight presses down on you, and you feel a familiar tingle spreading from your toes to your spine. He breathes praise into your skin. Telling you how good you feel, how well you’re taking him. You accept the whispered words with an eagerness that surprises even you. Your arch into him, body bending in a way so that his cock slides further in.
You wrap your arms and legs around him, pulling him closer as he fills you up completely. It’s overwhelming. Your walls flutter to accommodate to his width. Hot breath ghosting down your cheek, he decorates your face with delicate, fleeting kisses.
“Can I move, sweetheart? You feel so fuckin’ good.” he accentuates every word with the slow roll of his hips. “I’ve thought about you like this. So many times.”
“You have?”
Joel takes that as his cue to start moving, his hips grinding against yours in a slow, steady rhythm. The warmth between your legs spreads throughout your body, and you can feel yourself getting lost.
“I have. But none of it could compare to the actual thing.”
His hands roam over your body, tracing the curves and valleys of your skin as if he's trying to memorize every inch of you. You arch your back, offering yourself up to him, and he takes the invitation eagerly. His thrusts become harder, faster. You wrap your hand around his neck, pulling him in for a deep kiss. This time you’re the one to slip your tongue into his mouth, tasting him and pulling his bottom lip between your teeth. He groans into the kiss, hips stammering forward. His chest heaves.
Joel breaks the kiss to bury his face in your neck, breathing heavily as he pounds into you. You tighten your grip around him, urging him on. A moment later he’s pushing your legs up, hamstrings stretching and thinning. It aches. Into your skin, he’s whispering that he’s close, and it’s followed up by frantic apologies that dampen your neck. Your nails bite into the muscles of his back. You breathe heavily through your nose, biting back moans. He’s drilling into you, a sensation akin to being split in half warming your body. With every snap of his hips, you pulse around him, clenching and squeezing him tight as he fucks your next orgasm out of you. It’s too much, too sudden, and you’re crying. Silent tear pools down from your lashes.
Joel hears the way your breath catches in your throat and moves away only to press his lisp into your eyes. He’s still sputtering out apologies, telling you that it’s okay, that it feels so good and that he has you. Warmth blossoms in your chest and you melt into the floor, your body only for him to use.
With a high pitched sound dropping from his lips, Joel pulls out. His movements sloppy and eager, he rubs his hard length over your mound, the head catching against the swell of your stomach. You shudder when he groans, it’s raw and animalistic. He coats your trembling body with his seed, warm and wet, dripping down and staining the rug. You let out a stuttering breath and Joel leans in to kiss you.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, lips brushing your hairline. “I wanted to last longer.”
You smile, nuzzling up to his neck. “That’s okay,” you answer. “I take it as a compliment. Nothing more sexy than someone being so into you that they lose a bit of themselves, right?” Joel nods, knowing well what you meant. You press your lips against the bald patch of his beard. He smiles. “Besides, you can make it up to me. If you really want to.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” he groans, dipping down for another kiss. “You can't even begin to imagine the things I'm about to do to you.”
A soft orange light caused by a street lamp nearby trickles from between the curtains. The light forms a sharp streak from between the windows to the bed. Your clothes glow golden on the floor, alongside with Joel’s. It’s late. The sky a shiny black as the rest of the neighborhood sleeps soundly. It’s been long since August’s bedroom door echoed closed into the night. Joel had his hand pressed tightly against your mouth. Your nostrils flare with each breath. Your stomach sinks into the matress, his hips slowly rocking into you, soft, wet sounds making your skin prickle with pleasure. His body a comfortable weight above you, screaming comfort.
“Such a perfect cunt for me to fill,” Joel breathes into your ear. You shudder, a muffled moan bouncing against his palm. He clicks his tongue. “So noisy. I’m startin’ to believe you want to get caught with all the trouble you’re makin’ me go through to keep you quiet.”
You squeeze your eyes shut, your hips jerking to meet his slow thrusts. A sharp exhale leaves your nose. You’re burning all over, sweat clinging to you like a second skin. He grinds himself deeper, pinching your nose with his thumb and forefinger, you jolt only for Joel to shush you.
“I think I just hit the nail on the head,” he mutters. Your chest expands, your lungs starting to burn and head growing dizzy. “Fuck—Sweetheart, you’re squeezin’ me so tight. You want the world to hear don’t you, how much you love takin’ me? So perfect, so so perfect. I love fuckin’ you nice and slow.”
You pulse around him, soaking him as slick trickles down your thighs and wets the bed. Your eyes roll back and your body juts uncontrollably. The lack of air adds pressure to your temples, but it feels so good. You want him to control everything like this. You want him to be in charge as you roll about life, only to come back to him.
He removes his fingers, oxygen filling you once more. His palm is still heavy over your lips. Joel drags his nose up the frame of your face, gently nipping the skin above your cheekbone.
“Jesuus,” he groans. “Did you come, darlin’? Just from that?” he sounds almost delirious, joyful. His strokes become faster, harder. You squirm underneath. Joel’s hand moves up from your mouth to your hairline, pushing sweat-soaked strands away from your forehead. His lips touch your cheek. “Such a needy thing.”
You close your eyes and breathe heavily through parted lips, a half smile curving at the corner of your lips. You were needy. You don’t ever want to let him go. You want him to hold you like this until the end of the earth.
You want this night to last forever.
It’s the early hours of the morning. You stir awake with hands gripping tightly at your waist. You blink away the dampness of your eyes. The street lamps are turned off, the sky now a muted, grayish blue. Joel’s hands skim down your body, still reaking of sex and sweat. Your ass is bare, and he caresses the warm flesh. His cock is heavy and hard, pressing between himself and the small of your back. You sigh, rolling your hips. He lets out a choked out sound, his lips now touching the back of your neck. It feels like a dream; laying naked with him here. It’s a beautiful thing. Exquisite.
“You can’t sleep?” you ask silently, afraid to disturb the approaching day.
“Too many thoughts,” he grumbles accompanied by a soft movement from his hips. You let out a sigh.
“What thoughts?”
He wets his bottom lip, “Borin’ stuff. But the main focus is always how I want to bury myself into this here sweet pussy of yours.”
“You have quite the mouth on you, Mr. Miller,” with a smile, you shift and turn to him. His hand falling to your waist. You don’t want to think of what these “boring stuff” were. But you do have a sneaking suspicion it was to do with You, Tommy…Sarah. He’s thinking of all those who might get hurt by this, or affected. In all honesty, you don’t think Sarah would mind, but then again, you don’t really know much about her relationship with her mother. Being the nice neighbor is one thing, being in a relationship with her father is another.
“Hey, where’d you go?”
Blinking, your gaze meets Joel’s. He smiles and his thumb comes up to swipe the skin under your eyes. Where he touches burns. You mimic his expression and smile back, then you shake your head.
“Nowhere,” you answer. “I’m right here. And what you want can be arranged, you know?”
He hums, eyes dropping to your chest and pebbled nipples. “Can it, now.”
Joel cups between your legs, middle fingers sneaking between your soaked folds. He tenderly circles your clit. “You sure you aren’t too sore?” he asks.
“Hmmm, I don’t think I can handle you fucking me into oblivion again, but I can most certainly warm your cock. Help you sleep.”
“What an angel.”
You bark a humorless laugh. “Yup, that’s me. Miss angel, right here.”
“You’re thinkin’ about him aren’t you?” he asks, pushing a finger in. You suck in a breath, your body starting to shake. Joel massages your walls, working you open as his gaze searches for something in your eyes. “You’re not alone in this. I hope you know that. He’s my brother, if anythin’ I should be the one takin’ the weight of this. Not the other way around.”
“That’s not true. We’re both responsible about what might happen,” you sigh, heat licking the base of your spine. His lips brush your forehead as he pulls out his fingers and them with the head of his cock instead. You shuffle closer. “I think I’m just scared. This is all so new. Losing you is the last thing I want.”
“You ain’t gonna lose me,” he quickly says. “And we don’t have to tell anyone right now,” he adds with a whisper. He fills you, and it’s the most glorious feeling in the world. You throw your arm over his shoulder, pulling his chest flushed against yours. A faint pain blossoms between your legs, you moan at the feeling. “It can be just this. We’re in no rush.”
You have so much more you want to say. But you don’t. Instead you revel in the feeling of him inside, pulsing, and throbbing. He so close that you can hear his heart beat. He’s right, there’s no need to rush this. Maybe a weak later you would return to just being the woman that lives next door, who’s to say? There’s no need to stir anything in your already chaotic lives.
Joel nuzzles your neck, kissing the hard interior. He rests his forehead there, taking deep breaths of your scent. You want to move closer —if possible— but you’re afraid that when you do, you’ll won’t be able to hold yourself. And you’re enjoying the feeling of him inside too much to want this to end.
“Better?” you croak out, playing with the damp ends of his hair. He nods.
“It’s way better,” he murmurs, voice deep with sleep. “See you in the mornin’ neigbour.”
“See you in the morning.”
a/n: wooooo we got a new moodboard! Isn't that exciting??? I also have another one I made for a specific arc that'll last a couple of chapters but other than that, this one will probably be staying until the end so I hope you like it!
Also I'm stupidly happy to finally be writing smut for these two dfvfdvbf no one warned me that writing a slowburn would be essentially edging yourself lmaodfvdf many more horny chapter are to come! I hope you all enjoyed the chapter, and if you have any questions or things you want to see happen, let me know! Sending kisses and hugs to the lot of you 🧡
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller fanfiction#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x f!reader#young!joel miller#tommy miller x reader#tommy miller x you#tommy miller x platonic!reader#hbo the last of us fanfiction#tlou fanfiction#stay in bed
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- JOEL MILLER FIC RECS PART 2 -
forever in love with this grumpy old man <3 | note: please be aware of the authors’ warnings before reading. fics include canon tw’s like: violence, death, grief. most of these fics are age-gap relationship and some have 18+ content so minors please DNI.
part 1 | main masterlist
SERIES - MULTI-CHAPTERS
love in the middle of a fireflight | part 2 | part 3 • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @babydin
your bear | part 2 • joel miller x daughter!reader
↳ by @rrickgrrimes8 (very angsty, hurt/comfort)
a helping hand • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @teacupcollector
a lover's pinch • prof!joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @hier--soir (smut, au, angst, secret relationship)
i will be home for christmas • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @punkshort (no outbreak, fluff, smut, angst but happy ending, hurt/comfort)
lavender • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @justagalwhowrites
seeing you, seeing me • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @amywritesthings (slow burn, smut)
fate, after all • joel miller x f!oc!reader
↳ by @honeyedmiller (fluff, smut, no-outbreak)
ambush | part 2 • joel miller x reader
↳ by @huntergarrity (angst, violence, hurt/comfort)
seams • joel miller x reader
↳ by @fuckyeahdindjarin (self-conscious!joel, shy!reader, fluff, slow burn, explicit)
soft!joel collection • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @cavillscurls (smut, fluff, angst, soft and domestic!joel)
ONE-SHOTS - BLURBS - HC’S
daisy, give me an answer • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @dilf-din (fluff)
take this moment • joel miller x reader
↳ by @mylostloversbookmarks (post-outbreak, fluff)
ground me • joel miller x reader
↳ by @huntergarrity (fluff, comfort)
clouded judgement/clear mind • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @bluebeary-jay (violence, angst, hurt/comfort)
keep your eyes on me • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @mgparker (angst, violence, protective!joel)
daydreams • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @morning-star-joy (grumpy x sunshine, fluff)
i hope you are happy • joel miller x reader
↳ by @blissfulbarbie (very angsty, no outbreak)
grays • joel miller x reader
↳ by @softlyspector (domestic fluff, insecure!joel)
sweet creature • dad!joel miller x reader
↳ by @rocketrhap3000 (so fluffy)
lacy • joel miller x reader
↳ by @toxic-seduction (angst but happy ending)
bloodshed, crimson clover • joel miller x fem!doctor!reader
↳ by @morning-star-joy (slow burn, angst, violence)
arms tonite • joel miller x reader
↳ by @motherjoel (angst, reader gets hurt, happy ending)
skater • joel miller x platonic!gn!reader
↳ by @rrickgrrimes8 (angst, hurt/comfort, father figure!joel, tw: drowning)
be my daddy • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @bastardmandennis (no outbreak, smut, fluff, slightly angsty)
how the cookie crumbles • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @egcdeath (no outbreak, fake dating, slow burn, slight angst, fluff, idiots in love)
day after tomorrow • joel miller x reader
↳ by @familyvideostevie (no outbreak, fluff)
it’s your turn for choosing • joel miller x reader
↳ by @familyvideostevie (modern au, fluff)
i’m a feminist obviously • joel miller x reader
↳ by @toxic-seduction (protective!joel, violence)
softness • post outbreak!joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @joelsgreys (fluff, joel is a dad, tw: premature birth)
as long as i have you • jackson era!joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @beskarandblasters (very fluffy, slight angst)
sweetheart • post-outbreak!joel millet x fem!reader
↳ by @joels-shitty-puns (fluff, light angst)
are you mine? • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @eupheme (protective and soft!joel, fluff, light angst)
a forever thing • husband!joel miller x pregnant!wife!reader
↳ by @honeyedmiller (fluff)
the revenant wife • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @pettyprocrastination
butterfly • joel miller x black!latina!reader
↳ by @stargirlfics (angst, hurt/comfort, fluff, slow burn)
unlikely friends • joel miller x reader
↳ by @sweetercalypso (fluff)
mischief nights • joel miller x fem!reader
↳ by @jupiter-soups (fluff, slight angst)
all my casualties of love • joel miller x reader/oc
↳ by @agentmarcuspike (smut, grief)
a matter of timing • joel miller x baker!fem!reader
↳ by @lavenderursa (angst, smut, comfort, neighbours to lovers)
#joel miller x reader#joel miller x female reader#joel miller x reader fluff#joel miller x reader angst#joel miller x reader smut#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x y/n#joel miller x you#joel miller x oc#joel miller x original character#joel miller x pregnant reader#joel miller x wife!reader#joel miller#joel miller fic#the last of us hbo#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us#tlou#tlou fluff#joel miller x fem!reader#joel miller x gn!reader
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i'll be here for you.
pairings: father figure!joel miller x platonic!teen!reader, sister figure!ellie williams x platonic!reader
wc: 485
summary: you, joel and ellie watching a movie after a very unsuccessful patrol.
warnings: arm injury, cursing, joel and reader cuddling (platonically, of course), i might've said the word 'smile' too much, not proofread.
a/n: i had a dream the other night about joel being my dad/father figure and i just needed something to fulfill my need to have him as my dad. i may or may not have added a jurassic park mention after getting word that it has been taken off of streaming… this is also a bit short and i was really hoping on making it longer but here we are.
lowercase intended.
“don’t underestimate a patrol.” you had learned that the hard way. a patrol with ellie had been cut short after some infected had attacked you. fortunately, ellie is very protective and you didn’t get bit. on the other hand, you still got a bad gash on your arm that still hurt a lot even after being wrapped up in bandages.
about 2-3 hours after coming home after getting your arm mended, joel came into your room. “hey kiddo, how’re you doing?” he asked softly. “a bit better, still hurts like a bitch though.” joel laughed lightly, “that’s to be expected.”
“i’m sorry for making you worry so much, i should’ve been more careful-” he put his hand on your shoulder and squeezed it lightly while looking down at you on your bed, “hey, i’m not mad at you, kid. yeah you could’ve been a bit more careful but it’s not your fault, just wrong place, wrong time.”
“yeah, thank you.” you said, looking down a bit. “no need to thank me for not being mad at you. i’ll be here whenever you need me. on second thought, ellie had found jurassic park out on patrol earlier,” he said the last part a bit quiter not wanting you to think back on the unsuccessful patrol. he continued, “and we haven’t been spending a lot of time together recently and i was just wondering if you wanted to watch it with us for a bit.”
“yeah sure, i’ll come out soon.” he gave a comforting smile and said “if you need anything, i’ll be here for you.”
“i know,” you replied, smiling back at him as he walked out of the room.
around 30 minutes later, you walked out into the living room. ellie immediately looks up at you and asks, “how are you doing?” you smile softly at her consideration and respond, “i’m doing better.”
“good,” she says, faintly smiling back as you walk over to joel and sit closely next to him, leaning into him, putting your head on his shoulder as he wraps his arm around you, rubbing your arm. about halfway through the movie, joel ends up laying down so you could lay in between his legs and rest your head on his chest after some situating so your arm wasn’t in an uncomfortable position.
after only 30 more minutes you end up falling asleep on him. a couple minutes after you fell asleep on him, joel looked down to check on you. he smiled gently once he realized you were asleep. “they fell asleep so i’m gonna go bring them to bed real quick, i’ll be back,” he whispered just loud enough so ellie could hear him over the movie. she smiled and nodded in response. he got up and picked you up very carefully and walked over to your room to slowly put you in bed, kissing your forehead and saying goodnight.
#joel miller x reader#joel miller#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x teen!reader#the last of us#tlou#joel miller x y/n#ellie williams x reader#ellie williams#joel miller x child!reader#joel miller father figure
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i’m not going anywhere | j. miller
joel miller x fem!reader
warnings: mentions of joel’s suicide attempt, mental health problems, reader & joel being purely in love and devoted to each other i love it 💯, age gap (reader in 20’s, joel in 50’s), violence, murder, death, angst, reader being ellie’s mother figure YES MA’AM, flashbacks in italics, reader has a past with david, no word count cause i forgot 😔
i bet your shoulders can hold more than
just the straps of that tiny dress
that i’ll help you slide aside
when we get home
joel watches you from across the room, talking to some of the other women in jackson. he sees you laughing, the sight of your smile putting him at ease, knowing that you were at least comfortable.
it’s been a few months since the three of you arrived in jackson: yourself, joel and ellie. ellie was the first one to settle in, happy to be somewhere that wasn’t the QZ or the outside world, and you were soon to follow after her. all you ever wanted was a peaceful place to live, and jackson was the closest thing to it. and joel, he was the last, but only because he couldn’t settle until both you and ellie had.
the dress you wore was white and short, it hugged your chest tightly and pushed your breasts up like a corset would. joel didn’t know where you found that dress, but he’s glad you did. all he’s been thinking about is taking you home, slipping that dress off your body and worshipping you like a theist to their god.
he walks over, places his hand on your waist in a gentle grip and forcefully smiles at the rest of the women. “excuse me, ladies, need some time with my girl.” joel watches as the women nod enthusiastically, he doesn’t know if it’s because they like how he treats you or just like him. he doesn’t know because he can’t read other women, he’s only ever spent his time learning you.
“hi, honey.” you smile brightly at him, looking into his eyes with such care that joel feels himself melting under your gaze.
“missed ‘ya, darlin.” he tells you, pressing a sweet kiss to your lips, causing you to giggle.
“was only across the room. could’ve joined in the conversation.” he hums, continuing to press a series of kisses across your face. “joel!” you squeal playfully.
“wouldn’t be able to focus when i got you by my side, darlin.” his southern twang hits in the pet name. “‘specially when you wear that dress. ‘s sin, baby, look at ‘cha .” he runs his hands up and down your hips, drawing you in closer to his chest. you smile at him, hands hooking together round the back of his neck. “feel so damn good against me, sugar.”
you giggle. “then do something about it, tex.” joel stares at you, hunger flashing through his brown eyes as he drunkenly takes you in. he’s drunk off you, the idea of you, the thought of you. he’s wrapped around your finger, and if he has it his way, you’ll be wrapped up in the sheets together in no time.
i’ve seen em carry family
and the steel drum weight of me
effortless just like that dress
that i’ll help off
that day was the worst. joel being injured meant you and ellie were left to your own. she trusted you, she always did, you had always cared for her. before marlene, before joel; there was you. you taught her the tricks with her knife, you taught her how to tackle, to fight, the same way your uncle taught you when the outbreak began.
two innocent, vulnerable women seen by themselves in the wilderness would’ve caught anyone’s attention. especially ellie, a young girl who seemingly looks alone and lost. you knew you should’ve fought harder to have her stay with joel whilst you collect supplies. it wasn’t her fault you both got caught in that position, you should’ve warned her.
but it was too late.
you were both locked up in delegate cages across the room from one another. david torments you by talking to ellie. he doesn’t know that you’re not the same scared little girl you were way back when your uncle was still alive, but he will know soon. when his time has come.
he seems giddy as he walks over to her, child-like charm in his step, maybe from all the years he’d snatched it away from other children did he take it for himself. you didn’t understand that before, but you do now. you understand perfectly. you know who he is, what he does, you watched and experienced it for an entire three days.
but, for whatever reason, you’re back in his trap, ellie by your side. making every killer instinct in your body heighten.
you looked over to her. she was sat down whilst you were stood up. she’s looking at you in what you know is fear, and for a second, her face blurs and you’re staring into the eyes of your fourteen year old self. you’re snapped out of it by david telling her to look at him, not you. his hand reaches behind the bars of her cell. that’s when you snap.
“move the fuck away, david.” you hiss, body pressed up against the bars of your cell. he looks at you, smirks, before turning back round to face ellie. you know you’re letting him win by reacting to his psychological torture, this warfare he seems to have mastered countless times, but he doesn’t know who you are now, what you’re capable of. so you showed him.
ellie stood watching as you stabbed him with his own machete. you didn’t notice she was still with you, but ideally, you should’ve known better. you should’ve known she doesn’t go anywhere without you.
you’re crying out, over and over again as you face the brute that is reality as it strikes you in the face, harder than the machete does to david. ellie almost faced the same fate you did, she’s seen too much, she’s been through too much, she’s only a kid. you could’ve done better to protect her. you could’ve-
hands cupping your face stop your train of thoughts and your actions. joel is knelt down next to you, looking at you with such sincerity and love that you can’t even process that his injury is healed and that he’s here. his hands feel so soft, so tender. they are calloused and rough from years of hard labour but the way he holds you suggests differently, like he’s spent a lifetime waiting to hold you.
“baby, look at me.” his texan accent heightened. “sweet girl,” his pointer finger gently taps your cheek “look at me. i got you. ‘s just us, baby, ‘s just us.” you feel ellie by your side again, and you unconsciously lift your arm for her to tuck herself into your side as joel welcomes you both into his waiting arms.
“‘s just us.”
—
you had come back to the house after being out in the school the entire day. you had never considered yourself as someone who liked kids, too sticky and messy for you. ellie was the only exception, and she had been with you since you were a teenager.
maria was opting to give you the job at the school per your request. you wanted something easy, something that didn’t require you to look over your damn shoulder every waking second. you wanted to settle, to rest, to find peace, and you finally had the opportunity to do so in jackson.
when you got to the house that joel, ellie, and yourself were staying at, you didn’t expect to hear shouting. you ran up the stairs, just in time to see joel leave ellie’s room. you glare at him, hitting his shoulder with your own as he walks past. you make your way over to ellie, but you can tell by the way she doesn’t look your way that she wants to be by herself. you whisper to her, before leaving and walking into joel’s room.
“what the fuck was that?” the venomous tone in your voice causes his gaze to snap towards you. “the fuck did you say to her.”
“calm down-”
“calm down? calm down?! you tell me what you said to her right now, joel.” you move towards him, finger pushing into his chest. he sighs, gently moving your hand away.
“started talking to me about loss. she doesn’t know what loss is.” he says with such certainty, like he’s confident in his words and that makes the urge to hit him heighten. joel shakes his head. “ain’t her damn father, either.”
“think about what you’ve just said.”
“darlin-”
“dont darlin’ me! ellie watched her best friend turn into a fucking infected and couldn’t do anything until i showed up! you know how much she begged me not to kill riley?” your eyes tear up. “she begged, pleaded with me, joel. i couldn’t risk it. i couldn’t risk riley hurting her. i couldn’t live with that.” your breathing is erratic. “then tess, then sam and…and you pushing her away isn’t helping.”
you’re angry, you’re in his face practically hissing at him. “we’ve all lost something, joel. she lost her childhood, her best friend. the only people she has right now are me and you, and if you’re not willing to be there, then fucking go! ‘cause i’m staying, with or without you i’m staying with her.” a tear slides down your cheek, and you’re quick to wipe it away.
“you may not be her father, but the way you act with her says otherwise, ‘nd i’m not giving that girl another person to lose. so either stay, or don’t bother. but if you choose the latter…don’t come near us again.”
—
“don’t tempt me, darlin’.” joel smirks, lips lightly grazing your cheek as they make their way back down to your lips. he pecks them one, two, three times before you’re pulling him in for a passionate and heartfelt kiss.
“not doing anything.” you laugh into the kiss, wrapping your arms around his neck, fingers twirling into the bottom of his curled hair and he elicits a hushed groan. “just showing my man some love, that so bad, tex?”
he pulls away, leaning his forehead against yours. “say your goodbyes, baby, ‘m taking you home.” joel lightly kisses your forehead. “ellie’s staying with dina tonight, means you’re all mine.” he smirks, kissing your forehead again.
“oh really?” you grin, now holding his hand in yours. his smirk widens, and it tells you that he’s not joking. that you have ten seconds to wander off to say your goodbyes or else he’s carrying you over his shoulder out of here. “i’ll be back.”
he watched you walk over to the women, giving them all a gentle hug as you wave your goodbyes. telling them that you best get home before ellie starts to grow concerned. when you’re finished, you walk back over to joel, who wraps his arm around your waist and pulls you into him as you walk away.
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere
“i’m scared.” he says. you look up at him, arms folded over your chest. it’s not long after your earlier confrontation about what he said to ellie. you’re both sat across from each other, him sat at the dining room table and you on the sofa.
“about what?” you ask.
“she…i can’t protect her. not like you can. i’m old an…and i’m tired, darlin’. i ain’t made for this, can’t look after myself, let alone a teenage girl and yourself.” he doesn’t look at you whilst he speaks. it’s like he can’t say it to your face, saying it to your face means the truth in his admission and he’s not ready to look into your alluring eyes and face the reality of his feelings.
“you’ve taken care of us pretty damn well, joel.” you sit up, arms no longer folded but bent and resting on your knees.
“but i won’t for much longer. i’m so much older than you, sweetheart, i’m fuckin’ deaf in one ear and i ain’t as sharp as i used to be. ellie needs someone to protect her, ‘s why she’s got you.”
“she has you too.”
“i can’t help her, can’t be the man you need, either.” he takes a deep breath in, and your eyes catch the way his hands slightly tremble. he’s never been like this with anyone, so vulnerable, so open. him and tess seemed to have their own dynamic. business partners, friends, lovers, whatever the fuck it was, but you can tell by the lack of eye contact and body language that he never opened up to her like he’s doing with you right now.
“when…when the dogs were there, smelling her. i knew they smelt something on her, but i didn’t do anything. all i could do was stand there and panic.”
“you couldn’t do anything. any movements we made would’ve made everyone suspicious.” you state.
“couldn’t even protect my own daughter and-” he shakes, you can see the tears in his eyes and he’s not even looking at you. “i failed her, and ‘m gonna fail you both now.”
you stand up immediately, walking over to his chair until you’re stood between his legs. your hands find their place on either side of his face, thumbs stroking his cheeks and brushing away his tears, forcing him to look up at you. you hesitate, but your thumb gently traces the scar on his temple, and you hear him take a sharp breath in at the simple, yet doting touch of the place that marks the darkest time of his life after the death of his daughter.
“you’ve never failed us. not at the beginning, and definitely not now. you’ve done so much to protect us, tex. taking on a fourteen year old girl is a lot, but taking on me, too? well, i have to applaud you for that.” he laughs. “but don’t think i don’t admire you for what you’ve done. hell, most men out there would’ve ditched us when they had the chance but you? you stuck by, guided us, saved us, loved ellie like a daughter. a…and, you’ve made me feel at home.” a soft smile graced your lips. “everything you’ve done for us, been for us? that’s home.”
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere
“i’ve got you.” you say, grabbing his hand, rubbing your hand over the watch. “you didn’t fail sarah, you’ve never failed ellie and you could never fail me.”
“but-”
“no buts. you will never know how proud i am of you and everything you’ve done for us. to open up like this…” you sigh “i just…i’m glad you did.”
he removes his hand from yours, wrapping them both around your waist and pulling you into him. his head rests on your stomach, and your hands find their way into his hair. “home.” he mumbles, and you feel the smile on your chest.
i bet your back can carry more than
just the weight of your button down
one by one they come undone
when we get home
you stand by as you watch joel enter the house. three days, three damn days without him by your side because he was on patrol. you couldn’t blame him, it’s his part in making the community of jackson safe. besides, you knew he’d lose his mind if he had to sit around all day and lack any form of agency. he’d been in this world for too damn long to not find a piece of his mind in protecting others, especially you and ellie.
joel walks over to you, embracing you in a tight hug as he places a small kiss on your forehead. it’s followed by one on your lips, to which he smiles slightly, tipping his forehead so it meets yours. “missed ‘ya so much, darlin’.” his texan drawl makes you laugh.
“missed you too, baby.” you place both hands on either side of joel’s face, pulling back slightly to admire all that is him. his scars, his soul, his heart, everything. “ellie’s missed you too. been waiting on your arrival the entire day.”
joel chuckles, kissing you on the forehead. “i’ll go give her this, then.” he pulls out a book from under his arm, something you completely missed when he entered your house. he holds it up to you, and you read the name. a soft smile graces your lips, and you feel yourself wanting to tear up.
“she’ll love it.” you whisper.
it’s a couple hours later, the three of you having just eaten dinner, and joel and ellie are sat on the couch together. the tv is turned on, but joel is nowhere near paying attention, all of it is on ellie. she reads out the jokes in the joke book he gifted her, he complained about the bad ones, laughed at the good ones, and even shared some of his own.
you find yourself admiring them both, smiling wildly as you watch their dynamic. you knew you had the best relationship with ellie, but nothing could compare to how joel was with her. like a father, he cared and loved her without overstepping ellie’s boundaries.
and that? that’s all you could ever ask for in a man.
i’ve seen you carry family
and all my insecurities
one by one they’ll come undone
when we get home
you stand before joel, blood splattered on your clothes and covered in bruises in visible places. you hated to know how you looked underneath. you sat perched upon the counter in the bathroom as joel runs a cloth under the running tap, dabbing it on your face to remove the dried blood.
it was a patrol gone wrong. you thought you could handle it by yourself, you had done in the past. but when your patrol partner had lured you into a raiders den, it had all gone south from there. they got a fair few hits and wounds onto you before you remembered who you were, and you showed them no mercy.
brown, puppy dog eyes stare down at you, it’s almost comical. a hardened man with the softest expression on his face, all because you were bruised and injured. he sighs, placing the cloth on the side. “need you to take your clothes off, sweetheart. see if there’s any more damage.”
your eyes immediately snap up to meet his, panic arising in your body so much so he saw it in your face. “hey, ‘s okay.” his hand gently cups underneath your jaw, keeping your eyes on his. “ain’t gonna do anything, baby. just need to clean you u-”
“no.” you shake your head feverishly, cutting him off. “no.”
“got to make sure you ain’t hurt anywhere else.” he stares at you, and he looks so concerned and worried that you cave. pulling off your jumper and shirt, stood in your bra and sweatpants, completely exposed.
joel’s eyes trace your body, and you feels his eyes catch the wounds, but the scars that cut across your skin in a variety of places. he stiffens up, hand hesitantly reaching out to gently trace one, much like you had done with his.
he looks up at you when he’s done, stepping closer with his hand on your hip, where the scar his finger had just traced lingered. he tips his forehead to meet yours, both of your eyes closing. “i gotcha, sweet girl. always do.”
he pulls back and grabs the cloth from the sink, running it under water again before he starts to clean the cuts on your body. he traces every scar on your skin, each time making you shudder from the sheer amount of love he dedicates towards you, ensuring your comfort and trust, much like you had done with him.
he’s got you. he always has, always will.
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere
falling on top of you, joel’s hands travel underneath the hem of your dress, pulling down your panties. you sit up, pulling the white dress over your head, now completely naked and bare in front of the man you love.
joel tips your head up so you look at him, admiring your body as you sit naked and bare. he starts to take off his own clothes, pulling you close to him so he hovers of you. he kisses you lips passionately, your arms winding round his neck as you pull him in closer.
he chuckles as you moan when he bites your lip, pulling away to kiss down your neck, your chest, all the way down until he looks up at you, asking for permission.
you nod, and let him ravish you.
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere
because i’ve seen you
and i know you
and i’m not going anywhere.
a/n: fun fact, this was gonna end in tlou2 with joel and reader being murdered together but i said no <3
taglist: (if you want to be added, pls message me!!)
@theeblackmedusa @joeldjarin
#Spotify#joel miller x reader#joel miller x you#joel miller angst#joel miller fluff#the last of us#ellie williams x platonic!reader#joel miller fanfiction#pedro pascal#tlou
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Text
Where the Wild Things Are - Chapter 6
Chapter Six: Cigarette Burns
Plot: Wild men or monstrous infected creatures, the world is wild and ravaged by Cordecyps but some are raised in it and flourish becoming a wild thing.
Word Count: 3.8K
Pairing: Joel Miller x Platonic!Teen!Reader, Ellie Williams x Platonic!Reader
Warnings: canon-typical fighting/violence, injuries, harsh language, tw: near-death experience, trauma from abusive mother, DESCRIPTION OF BURNS
—————
When my time comes around. Lay me gently in the cold, dark earth. No grave can hold my body down
The cold is an enemy to fear more than infected or regular people in this kind of world. You could be in a remote area with no one for hundreds of miles, but the cold is always there. It doesn’t hide or wait for you to call it out, it attacks harshly and violently with no forgiveness. If you don’t have warm enough clothes, shelter, or fire you’re not surviving the night out with Mother Nature. It feels like thousands of needles stabbing into your skin repeatedly, or a numbing sensation that fills your body with panic when you can’t move your limbs. The cold could feel like you are melting it scorching your skin as it brings you to the sweet release of death. Cold isn’t a friend to any it went for everyone and everything, and only walked away knowing that you weren’t going to get back up.
Kansas winters were easier than Wyoming. Having a building to hide and be sheltered from, though run down with limited heat. You became resourceful, the puddle of blankets pushed right next to the heater waiting for the sputters and rattling as the heat flowed through it to get you through the night. The heater right beside the window allows you to gaze up into the sky connecting the stars to create paintings in the inky darkness. You are surprised how much was coming from the heater. It was never on for this long maybe a minute max but it was flowing steadily through.
“Honey?” The airiness of your mother’s voice threw you in a whirlwind not expecting the softness coming from the usual snarl and venom. “Come to bed with Mommy. Aren’t you so cold?” She stands at the doorway to her room holding her hand out as you push yourself up from the makeshift bed of blankets.
“But you don’t like me in your room.” You whisper out to her. It was one of the many things she ordered you to never touch. But her room was the biggest, she didn’t want you stealing anything as she puts it. She gives a soft smile still holding out her hand.
“Come on���daddy and I are waiting for you.” She says and you freeze. Your dad? But you never knew him, he left long before you were even born. A thing she constantly reminds and blames you for.
Ruining my fucking life….I should never have slept with that bastard…should have gotten rid of you the second I found out I was pregnant….bastard child along with a bastard father.
You always wondered what he’d be like, probably kind and strong, someone who would wipe your tears away when you were sad and make you smile from the jokes he would tell. To protect you from your bullies…to keep you safe from your mother. You wished he stayed so he’d take you away and it would be the two of you. But you never expressed those things. You tried asking about your father when you were very young but it only led to her screaming at you, how you were an ungrateful brat, after everything she’s done you wanted to think about being with your father. The guilt she held over your head like a toy twisting and molding it to have her be the perfect mother and you the horrible daughter.
Maybe you are a bad daughter…
Your father didn’t want you and she could have abandoned you too but didn’t. Was it love? You don’t think you knew what love is, whether platonically or romantically so those thoughts died. The idea of a father seemed like a fading thought, the idea seemed unrealistic like it was impossible to exist. Staring at the bedroom door that held your mother…and father waiting for you. To protect you…to love you.
“Come on kid!” A voice yells and your eyes snap open seeing Joel above you. Your body instantly shakes and you feel so cold and the striking pain in your shoulder and neck. It isn’t just the lack of body temperature that is painful each shiver and quake causes your body to ache and that produces more pain in your shoulder. Everything is fuzzy and dim your head feels like a dead weight as it almost lolls back if the man didn’t grab your neck to keep you stable. “Keep your eyes open. You’re alright,” He says before he yells over his shoulder, “Ellie where are those damn blankets!”
“I got them!” A young voice yells out and you see the girl holding a crap ton of blankets that she could barely see where she is walking. Another large shiver racks through your body an instinctive groan of pain as Joel looks over seeing your outerwear is off, your coat, socks, and boots are soaked in snow. The single layer of the long-sleeve shirt was still bleeding heavily and you weren’t even wearing gloves. Your fingers and parts of your face were bright red but he was glad to not see any signs of frostbite but mild symptoms of frostnip. The thick line across your throat from the cable made the flesh raw and irritated. He felt cemented in place trying to think of the next best step but he could only see his little girl in his arms when he had to carry you inside when you passed out from the pain and cold.
“Joel move, find the suture kit, and then get something warm for her drink. Tommy washcloths and gets some wood to start a fire. Ellie watch him.” Maria moves the older man aside before giving her son to the younger girl as she takes over the survival and motherly instincts coming out taking complete control of the situation. Your body practically vibrates from the cold and Maria moves closer you try to pull away but your shoulder makes you wince.
“You’re alright I need to take off your shirt so we can check your wounds. You have something under this?” Her voice is warm and comforting and she could see fear in your eyes surprising her used to sharp and cold ones. After gaining more sense of consciousness and understanding of the situation you were in you nod and she helps you sit up the blankets covering part of your stomach and your legs. Tommy returns with the washcloths and Joel with the suture kit before they return to their second task. Her hands move to your shirt and you stiffen and she waits noticing the uneven rhythm of your breathing before helping take off your shirt. Left in a slightly bloody tank top the shirt now clutched between your hands as you hear Maria’s sharp inhale. The noise drew the attention of the two adults just finishing their duties and the young girl.
Ellie had entered the kitchen with the baby to keep their view away from that finding the man standing there frozen unsure what to make, you couldn’t have coffee it could mess with your heart, and alcohol was out of the question. Joel had seen your aversion to the amber liquid. He hadn’t noticed the tightness in his chest and the ringing in his ears until Ellie grabbed his arm pulling him out of his state of panic.
“Joel..” The girl pulls him from his thoughts as he looks at his surrogate daughter, “You alright?” He wasn’t sure where this sudden state of panic came from. He had watched you ride out after one of the horses, himself and Tommy following after entering the storm urgency in them knowing you had no idea what was out there and you were defenseless. They had heard the large bang that sent fear through both brothers before the horses appeared without the rider. Joel headed off where they came from while Tommy wrangled the creatures. He had arrived just before it was too late seeing you being choked by a raider quickly shooting the one that was suffocating you seeing the damage you committed to the other raider. You had almost attacked him the fear and adrenaline probably overdosing your veins seeing the cold affecting you and the speckles of blood on your face.
It was that same fear in your eyes that he’d seen before. The years ago when Ellie had been kidnapped he was too late to rescue her from losing her innocence as she killed her captor, but the same fear that night all those years ago as his little girl clutched his arms as the life faded from her. He saw that same fear in your eyes and it sent him into a panic like he was reliving a horrid memory where he just kept failing. The nightmares he couldn’t remember when he woke up though he didn’t have them as often but when you came into his life they seemed to return. You are harsher and ruthless, everything he was during the beginning of the end of the world but you were only a kid. Tainted with the basics of childhood and thrust into the hate and death of the world. There are many things he wanted to know; how did you end up in Wyoming from Kansas, did you lose your parents during your travels, he wanted to know everything that there was about you. This draw and connection he didn’t think he’d feel. You are blunt, crude, aggressive, and an annoyance to him but here he stood panicking over you.
Why?
“I don’t think we have anything…to um..drink.” He says forcing himself to take a shaky inhale to calm his rapid heartbeat. Ellie seems to sense the panic and see the softness in the man’s eyes. Despite it being about a year in Jackson Joel was still a recluse, sure he helped around the community being a contractor in his past but he wasn’t one to make friends. He spoke in short phrases, grunts, and nods when people talked to him. It reminded her of someone she knew. He only really cracked a smile or told those dumb jokes around his brother or Ellie, and sometimes Maria. But you are here and she saw the softness as he held you in his arms bringing you inside or when he spoke to you before he was sent off into the kitchen. Ellie moves through the kitchen opening a cabinet reaching into the far back feeling the bag of treats she has hidden pulling out the bag of chocolatey goodness then to a fridge pulling out some milk. She puts the objects in Joel’s hands as he looks at them confused.
Ellie points at the chocolate and the milk, “Put that in there and heat it up, it’s good. It’s called-” “I know what hot chocolate is.” Joel grunts surprised to see the candy it looks handmade as he gets to work. He remembers a time when he made these during Christmas with small marshmallows and using candy canes to stir, even on rainy days watching a movie, or during sick days knowing they always warmed up Sarah making her feel better from whatever illness was affecting her. It was domestic and normal standing over the stove watching the milk heat up as he stirred the broken pieces of chocolate to melt once warm enough pouring it into a mug. He enters the room with the younger girl and his nephew and hears Maria’s sudden inhale and panic rises in him.
“What is it?” Tommy asks heading towards his wife stopping and his eyes widen taken over by shock. Joel was more panicked and Ellie was curious about what was going on as she and Joel took in what was shocking Maria and Tommy. They all noticed the scars that litter your arms, they expected something from someone who protected themselves out in this fucked up world. But they were crude the scars probably worse than the injury with the suture work you likely performed on yourself, but that wasn’t the scar and injury that had caught Maria’s attention and soon drew all theirs as Ellie tried understanding what a group of scars on your arms were.
“What is that?” Ellie questions the dot-shaped scars and Joel feels a sickness fill his stomach, “Are those burns?” She says that the adults in the room who did live in a normal world at one point recognize the scars that could only be caused by an object that was used by frequently stressed-filled parents with sticks of nicotine.
“Ellie take Liam upstairs. Now.” Joel’s voice is harsh and the teen tries to protest but with the look Joel gives her she doesn’t dare to defy taking the young baby upstairs the door to her room closing. Tommy stands up holding a fist to his mouth trying to hold in his rage.
“Jesus fucking Christ.” Tommy spits the anger thick in his voice “Tommy.” Joel gives a warning tone to his younger brother.
“It’s fucking cigarette burns Joel. Christ,” Tommy wipes his hands down his face, “Those have to be years old.” You frown at Tommy's pacing vibrating with frustration and rage. The younger Miller seems to have noticed your look bending down to your level, “I’m not mad at you kid it’s just…you didn’t deserve this whoever did this to you.” You look away from the male using part of the shirt to cover your arms the small burns covered your forearms but the damage was already done they had seen it. Maria starts grabbing the needle and thread but you try stopping her.
“I can do it,” You look ashamed seeing their pity in their faces, “I don’t need your help.” Maria shakes her head.
“Just let me do this for you or we’re getting the doctor.” She places the final offer but you’re trying to pull your shirt back on biting your lip to stop the groan of pain and the once-clotted blood begins free-flowing. Joel curses grabbing one of the washcloths and presses it to your shoulder.
“Stop it! I don’t need your help!” You yell trying to pull away but it only creates more pain for you. “Stop it kid. You can’t see the full extension of it and your previous work isn’t a good show of trust,” Joel says and you glare up at him.
“Please kid, you’ve been bleeding for a while.” Tommy pleads and the rational side that wishes to live wins out but the more pissed off side doesn’t go down easy.
“I don’t want you here.” You say and Tommy sighs but if that was what got you to comply he gets up heading towards the stairs. You look over at Joel who hasn’t moved, “You too. I don’t fucking need you, Joel.” You hiss and for a second you feel guilty seeing his concern reveal slight hurt before it’s quickly covered by the mean expression constantly on his face. Joel nods stiffly moving out of the living room past his brother the door to his room slamming shut while Tommy makes his way to Ellie’s room to see his son.
The living room is quiet except for the occasional grunt of pain from you when the needle pierces through your skin and a murmur of apologies from Maria. Holding one of the washcloths to wipe away stray blood that spills Maria sits behind you as you sit sideways on the couch. Your gaze is drawn to the falling snow from the window in the living room counting the flakes that made contact with the glass.
“You know you should talk about it.” Maria speaks up and she watches your shoulders stiffen at her words before she continues, “You had us worried when Tommy and Joel watched you rush after that horse.” It’s quiet and she isn’t even sure if you heard what she said.
“We only want what’s best for you and seeing these kinds of injuries on your body. I worry Tommy worries, Ellie worries, even Joel. Especially Joel.” She says and a mixture of a scoff and laugh comes from you.
“What do you know what’s best for me…you’ve kept me here for your safety.” You say, “If you wanted to you could have killed me already so no one would find this place.” It was true if this had been any situation and you had stumbled upon them you would have been six feet under by now, but they met you, they came to the cabin, they decided to bring you back and help you. You could have bled out in that cabin if they had left when you told them to.
“And we didn’t because we are trying to bring back a sense of normalcy here. If we just killed people left and right we would be no better than those raiders after you,” Maria says and you hiss slightly from the needle entering your flesh. “In case you hadn’t noticed everyone in this building cares about you. And no matter how much you curse or say you don’t need our help. Deep down there’s a part of you that wants to let us in to ask for help.”
Maria lets silence fill the two of you as she continues her sewing and you don’t seem to even flinch at the pain. “It’s my fault anyway.” You say and Maria glances over your shoulder seeing you grip the bloody washcloth between your hands.
“I got myself in that mess and I found out what happened….I fucked around and I found out.” Your voice was thick tracing each burn on your arms with your eyes each ranging from light scar tissue from how long it's been others just as old darken from how long the butt of the stick pressed into your flesh. The young screams still echo in your ears as your arm was held to the table when it first happened just to get hit for crying. You learned quickly to not cry when she gave you that punishment.
“And who said it was your fault cause those don’t look like just a one-time occurrence.” Maria presses wanting to hear a name or someone. She prays whoever did this was long dead or suffering a horrible life. You felt a tightness in your throat at the question. You can still smell the nicotine and liquor on her breath the harsh grip of her nails breaking the skin with her warnings.
“Tell anyone and you’re going to wish you were never born.”
She isn’t here she couldn’t do anything. As much as you knew she was long gone Kansas City was running wild with infected from what Ellie described in her journeys.
“My..my mom.” It was so quiet you are certain she didn’t hear you but she did. She pauses the needle held in her hand as she looks at the profile of you. “It wasn’t her fault. She acts out when she’s mad. We were low on ration cards and I had gotten in trouble with Fedra.” It was a ramble of excuses that Maria knew did excuse burning your child. Maria’s silence makes you stop.
“Just…don’t tell them. I can feel your pity eating away.” You say and the older woman frowns she does feel bad for you. No child should have ever been treated like that and she was certain some of these other injuries may have been the cause of your mother.
“And your father,” She finally speaks up as she ties off the last stitch moving to clean the rest of the blood with the cloth, “He didn’t try to stop her?”
“A man that I’ve never met can’t really help ya know.” You say dryly. You wish he was there. Maybe he would have stopped it all, taken you away, and been the dad you’ve only seen in stories and dreams. But he wasn’t. Did that make him worse than her, he left a woman pregnant in a world that was ending around you all. Wrapping your shoulder in the bandage and briefly covering your neck she pulls back beginning to collect the items for the suture kit and bloody washcloths.
“Thank you.” You say and Maria looks back seeing you still not facing her and a small grin grows on her face. It was progress, slow progress but progress. More than a one-sided conversation though not a lighthearted one and a ‘thank you’ not some nod or even forced. Genuine.
“Just be careful with your shoulder.” She says before she heads upstairs to collect her husband and son from the event-filled night. When both Miller brothers, Maria and Ellie return downstairs to head out but also check in on you just catching a glimpse of you retreating to your room. The living room was back in order the suture kit was all packed up the bloody washcloths and your shirt was thrown away. Maria reassured the three of them you were alright and Ellie was a bit upset wanting to see you but retreated back to her room to sleep. Joel looks over at the mug still full resting on the table his gesture of help is forgotten and it makes his chest ache slightly.
“She’s gonna be alright?” Tommy says while fixing his grip on his sleeping son, the three adults had seen the scars and burns, and how you acted to them and towards people explained a lot.
“It was a pretty deep cut and her neck was raw as hell but other than that she’s alright,” Maria explains but Joel could see she was hiding something. There was a look on her face something she knew but she didn’t tell him even Tommy.
“And the burns,” Tommy whispers not wanting to speak up on it around his son even though he was fast asleep and too young to remember. Joel watches Maria as she pauses before fixing her coat.
“She wouldn’t tell me how she got them.” Liar. He could spot the lie as clear as day. But why was she covering for you? Joel nods and with nothing more to say the small family of three left to return to their home as Joel moves to the living room. Your coat hung on the hooks and your shoes and socks were piled neatly in the corner despite him ripping them off you in a panic. It’s as if you were never injured and sewed back together on the couch. Your features for such a young girl held such tiredness and stress even as you bled out. No fear though. Not a moment where you were afraid of dying just wanting this moment of weakness to go. A weight in his gut from the circumstances of today, thousands of scenarios running through his head, what if he and Tommy were too late for the raiders? What if your injuries were too severe for them to help you?
Stop it, Joel.
He shakes his head looking at the couch and your words ring back at him,
“You too. I don’t fucking need you, Joel.”
Pulling back like he was burned he returns to his room pushing away the insecurities and questions. The still-filled mug remains on the table the only thing holding the memories of what occurred tonight.
#the last of us#the last of us fanfiction#the last of us hbo#joel miller#joel miller x teen!reader#joel miller x platonic!reader#joel miller x reader#ellie williams#ellie williams x platonic!reader#ellie williams x teen!reader#ellie williams x reader#tommy miller#tommy miller x platonic!reader#tommy miller x reader
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