Are you currently working on any other writing projects?

Yes, I am. I actually have a another series for Dattles I’m currently working on(it’s a Dance AU). However, I know that if Nettles casting is um not book accurate in terms of race, I will probably lose motivation to write for her(for a time).

Yes fanfics are their own entity, but they also provide fandom engagement and I feel like that contributes to the show’s popularity/promotion and I won’t promote a show that’s blatantly anti-Black. So I’m basically waiting to see what happens before I post anything else or invest my time further 🤷🏽‍♀️

Kinda sick of the racism from nonblacks (i say nonblacks because it ain't just the whites tho it's mainly them!) in the spiderverse fandom because why does black ppl centering themselves in fiction (you know cuz we never can have ANYTHING) bother them so much??

"Hobie would choose a white girl over you" "why does miles have to be with someone black" "why does he always have to have a black reader" like Ummmm DO Y'ALL NOT HEAR HOW DUMB AND IGNORANT YOU SOUND?

We gotta gatekeep the black characters in this fandom until ppl know how to act right and stop getting besides themselves

PREACH!!!!!! CAUSE LIKE -- People out here are really disturbed that they *checks notes* were reminded black people exist? black people being found specifically attractive in a way whiteness is CONSTANTLY.

Anti-Blackness, Hobie, & The Black!Reader -

[A SHORT rant about people who have an issue with Black!Readers]

I ALWAYS find it where when people beef with Black people who want to date other Black people.

Because it's 100% racism.

If you think that a Black person dating only Black people is wrong - Anti-blackness is probably the root.

Just kidding it is the root its literally the only solution and explanation hehehe

Because as a trans person - when someone says they're T4T, everyone is fine with that.

Cis people can understand that they will never understand the trans experience, and that trans people may be attracted and want relationships with people who can understand on a personal level.

But when a Black Person say they're 'Black4Black' suddenly that's wrong?? We can't do that??

It's like non-whites cannot grasp that anti-black racism is a very VERY specific experience that we deal with all our lives and we may want partners that can not only support us but relate too. Partners we don't have to explain race shit too.

No- blackness is an experience that HAS to be available to them. Black people's experiences, minds and bodies HAVE to be available for there consumption or we're in the wrong.

We are either there to be consumed (like Hobie is) or ignored (like the Black!Reader is).

All my life I've seen the default OC and default reader be a white person. Readers that don't speak AAVE, that show no attempt at culture outside the 'normal' heteronormative American family.

And suddenly we try to change that for ourselves and that's not cool.

Also - people who say that about Hobie are just outright uneducated.

Hobie is from 1978.

Racial Discrimination in the UK was outlawed in 1965. Regardless of whether you think he's 16 or 19 - Hobie Brown grew up under racial segregation from ages 3-6.

He grew up seeing it - experiencing racism. Living with and being raised by and surrounded by a community of older black people who lived under segregation.

And even after the bill - Racist attitudes would still be surrounding him realistically speaking.

HE'S NOT FROM NOW.

Acting like Hobie has no opinions on that, or experiences, or coping mechanisms or TRAUMA from that - is fucked up.

That's black trauma LOOK AT IT.

So YEAH, A guy who grew up under segregation and a police state would have trauma from it.

But they (racists) wanna sidestep that.

They'll talk all day about Hobie's police related trauma - but not the race thing......okay. Okay, no it's fine. I'm fine.

The idea that Hobie might have unsavory experiences with race makes them uncomfortable. The idea that Hobie would seek out Black Spaces to GET AWAY from white people - makes them foam at the mouth.

Not all white people are racist - but a white person can never understand anti-black racism from a personal view the way Hobie or I or you do.

That's just a fact.

But the idea that there's a special outlet we alone understand about Hobie, and connect with him through, they dislike that.

Anti-Blackness. It's everywhere.

YOINK!! I'M TAKING HOBIE BACK TO THE ANCESTORS. LETS GO.

People saying Reginald loved Luther the most really need to shut the fuck up. Like? Have you been watching the same show?? I deadass saw someone say that Luther “Went through literally nothing!” and I am fucked off. So here is a quick list of all the shitty things Reginald did to Luther that I wrote while high as fuck on caffeine and sleep deprived as hell. 

1.) Tattoo

Now. I get that they all (save Vanya) had to get the tattoos. I even get that it wasn’t supposed to be a punishment. However. It serves as an example of Luther’s shitty childhood, because no matter how you look at it, he was forced to get a painful tattoo at age 13 by his father. That’s abuse. I get that they all had to get the tattoo, but already your arguments against Luther are invalid because he was evidently abused. His childhood wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t an invulnerable golden boy, he was abused just like the other siblings.

2.) His body transformation.

This is the thing that bothers me the most about this fandom.The blatant body shaming. It’s such a large part of the culture of this fandom and it’s barely acknowledged. All the pictures of overstuffed teddy bears, and calling Luther “monkey boy” and every single fucking meme about him just like “go back to the moon ape man uwu” that make me fucking sick to my stomach. I literally have never encountered a fandom where body shaming is so fucking common that no one bats an eye when a character straight up calls someone a monster because of their body. I understand not liking Luther as a character, that’s totally fine. Having opinions and preferences is not what I have issues with. The problem is when you use those opinions as an excuse to invalidate traumatic experiences. When it comes to the moon memes, I get pissed off, obviously, because it’s pretty shitty. But in the grand scheme of things, there probably aren’t many people who relate to that or see themselves in it. The body shaming however? I know so many people who identify with that, including myself. That scene, where Luther is shirtless and staring at himself in the mirror? I felt that shit. I related so fucking hard. So when people make fun of his body insecurity (yes I have seen it happen) I get sort of personally offended. I saw someone on twitter who said that he went through nothing except “oh i’m a monkey now” and I was like??? Even if that were true, that’s a pretty big fucking thing to go through. Luther is honestly so strong, because I don’t know if I would have been able to handle that. This got away from me a bit, considering this was supposed to be about Reginald, but I feel like it needed to be said.

However, a bit of a counterpoint to my main thesis, I don’t think we can actually call this abusive. Let me be clear, Reginald is a bad father. He is abusive. There is no denying this, but as much as the fandom wants to make him into a two dimensional cardboard cutout, he is more complex than that. It’s easy to classify someone as all bad, but its rarely the truth. And although what Reginald did to Luther was shitty, (in this particular instance) I don’t think it was necessarily abusive. Because he did it to save Luther’s life. I want to say that it was just a shitty thing to do, that he shouldn’t have done that experimental procedure on Luther without his consent, but it’s not that black and white. If it had been me, and I was about to die, my mother definitely would have done whatever it took to keep me alive. Because she loves me. And she is the furthest thing from abusive. Therefore, because we aren’t explicitly shown why Reginald did what he did, unfortunately it can’t count towards the overall argument. Make no mistake, I’m not defending what he did. I think, based off his character, its actually pretty likely that it was an abusive action. Because intent changes things. And a reasonable hypothesis would be that Reginald only saved Luther because he needed him, and not because he loves him, but because we aren’t privy to what his intentions were, the evidence is inconclusive. I’d say we can mark this down as a possibly, but I’m being pretty generous in an attempt to be fair.

3.) The moon

Now, what I’ve been waiting for the whole time. This, unlike the previous point, is without a doubt a demonstration of Reginald’s abuse towards Luther. He had just performed an experiment on Luther that changed his body forever without his consent, leaving Luther struggling and insecure. So does he help his son through this? Nope, he yeets him to the moon. Isolation is one of the things that seriously fucks with someone’s head, and I know its often overlooked because of Five’s 45 years in the apocalypse, but it’s impossible not to have some hangups about 4 years of isolation. Trauma isn’t a competition, and if any of the antis actually bothered to analyze the show, they would notice that the first time Luther actually talks about his trauma, he says “I only spent 4 years on the moon”, literally minimizing his own trauma like so many toxic members of the fandom, and yet everyone seems to think that he can’t stop ranting about his bad experiences and never shuts up about his trauma. 

Second, the picture of Luther’s notes to his father. I know a lot of people are just talking about how Luther is apparently a poet, which I love, but I think the thing really worth analyzing is the note that clearly states “PLEASE! SEND! MORE! FOOD!” because has anyone realized the implications of this? Let m break it down, there are two possible conclusions that can be drawn based on the evidence. Number one: (lol, get it?) the more likely scenario, Reginald frequently forgets to send Luther food, therefore he feels he has to remind him. This is utterly heartbreaking, because it also shows how Reginald was willing to essentially punt Luther up to the moon with promises of doing some good, and then almost forget about him entirely. And yet, some people still don’t think Luther was abused?

Number two: At some point Reginald did something that lead Luther to believe he wouldn’t send food without prompting. This is unlikely, but is possible. It is possible that throughout childhood, Reginald was neglectful to the point where Luther assumed that he wouldn’t send food without a reminder. Like I said, this is unlikely, not because Reginald wasn’t neglectful, but because at that point Luther still worshiped his father as a result of the brainwashing, and therefore probably wouldn’t assume the worst of him. 

In conclusion:

I’m sure there are more easter eggs throughout the show that indicate Reginald’s abuse towards Luther, but its 3AM and honestly I can’t be bothered to find them. Feel free to comment if I missed anything. I just got really fucking sick of the fandom making light of Luther’s trauma, and even saying that he wasn’t abused when he clearly was. I’m not saying he had it the worst, but I am saying that he had it bad, just like everyone else. Claiming that he didn’t go through anything just because you don’t like him personally is ignorant and stupid. This has been a PSA.

Voltron thoughts beneath the cut (for spoilers, and also negativity).

I don’t know if I can really say everything I need to say coherently. I’ve barely slept, I haven’t eaten practically anything in nearly twenty-four hours, and part of that is because every time I try, I can’t get myself to do it, even when it’s soup. Between the medication I’ve been on and the anxiety that flared up due to this show despite the medication I’ve been on, I’ve been really sick all day today. So I’m going to try to be coherent, but I don’t know how much I’ll end up succeeding. Anyway, here we go.

TL;DR: I watched season six of Voltron: Legendary Defender. And I’m not going to watch any of the seasons to follow. I’m getting off this shuttle here, though I’m probably still going to continue writing my AU fics since they’re AUs and have nothing to do with canon anyway, therefore.

Longer version:

There are a few different reasons for this, all of which stem from this most recent season and how it made me feel. It’s kind of funny, in a way; I thought the thing that would make me want to quit would be how Keith was treated, given that he’s my fave, but he was actually treated really well this season (mostly, anyway, but I’ll get to that in a second). He got to get back in Black, he got a wolf companion, and he whooped untold amounts of ass as the Black Paladin. We also got to learn some more about his past (although we still don’t know his dad’s name, smfh), and we had it confirmed that he and Shiro are found family and that Shiro had a hand in guiding and raising him (both because Keith told Krolia as much, and because in the flashbacks young!Keith has a higher pitched voice while Shiro is in an instructor uniform, i.e., they met when Keith was so young his voice hadn’t broken yet; I’m guessing 11 or 12). All of these things were things that I personally really liked, even though that last one is one that I feel I can’t really enjoy thanks to how this fandom is. (Like, every time one of those scenes came up---like when Krolia thanked Shiro for “raising Keith to be the man he is today,” or we saw young!Keith and Shiro---my thoughts were, “Aww ♥♥♥,” immediately followed by, “god, this will cause so much Discourse™.” Kind of ruins it . . . a lot.)

And that’s what brings me to this decision. At least, partly.

I was not excited for this season. At all. Any time I heard something about Voltron, it made my anxiety spike and filled me with dread. I knew that part of this was because I had already known that season five was our one shot at positive interactions between Keith and Lotor, and that was shot. My guess was that what was going to happen was that Lotor would discover the Shireplica plot, attack him, and then Keith would attack Lotor because Lotor attacked “Shiro.” And honestly, that would have been better than what we got. But my point is, leading up to this season I felt nothing but dread. While watching it, there were some things I enjoyed (see above), and other things I . . . absolutely did not. And afterward? I can’t think about it without feeling my anxiety flare up despite the Lexapro. I’m not even a little bit happy. I’m not looking forward to season seven, because I don’t know how season seven could possibly be good after the sheer assassination Lotor’s character suffered at the hands of the writing staff. And it’s funny, honestly, because I was expecting Lotor to part ways with Team Voltron, and hell, I wanted him to because they literally sent him to his execution last season, but I wasn’t expecting them to assassinate his character the way they did. I thought it would be Keith’s treatment that made me leave, not Lotor’s. But here we are.

Okay. Coherency.

My point is, I’ve come to realize that this show . . . does not make me happy. At all. And it’s not even just that it makes me want to complain (although the writing this season surrounding Lotor, his generals, and tbqh the way they had Keith and Krolia ~away for two years~ just so they could get out of actually showing us how they’ve bonded was completely terrible), but that it actively stresses me out and upsets me. Like, I’ve been incredibly open about how much I relate to Keith (which is why his found family bond with Shiro is so important to me; it’s a really personal thing that made their relationship my favorite in the show before The Discourse™ sucked the enjoyment out of it), but I relate a lot to Lotor, too. The narrative they were setting up with him, and the character journey that he was on---the way that he was specifically rejecting his upbringing, adamantly refusing to follow in his parents’ footsteps, toeing the line between different cultures and sides of his heritage, living as an abuse survivor whose reactions weren’t always ~*~pretty~*~ but were real . . . all of that really, really spoke to me. And it was a deeply fascinating and interesting narrative, too. It was one that I wanted to see play out. As much as I rejected the “he’s been alive 10,000 years lmao” nonsense they tossed in there (because he doesn’t act like it at all; they don’t know how to write characters that have lived that long), the idea that Lotor has rejected ten thousand years of conditioning in order to do his own thing is one that is incredibly compelling. It’s one thing to be Good (or at least Not Evil) if you were raised to be Good or Not Evil. It’s another thing to choose to be those things despite years upon years upon centuries of abuse and conditioning designed to make you a Horrible and Evil person. I’m not saying that I wanted Lotor to be a Pure Hero, but rather that I saw the narrative setting up an anti-villain and I was interested in following that story. I related a lot to that story, due to my own personal experiences. I am definitely far more of a Keith in terms of personality (and trauma disorders), but I related a lot to Lotor’s story as well and was very interested in seeing that narrative play out.

And then . . . they threw it away in favor of making him a batshit crazy definite villain who went laughing mad and decided he was going to slaughter his own people and start his own empire just like Zarkon.

I’m sorry, but nothing can redeem this. It’s character assassination, straight up. The thing with the alteans is bad enough; you could sort of maybe explain it as Lotor sacrificing a few to save billions, but that’s doesn’t jive with the Lotor that let planets rule themselves, and that worked alongside the miners to harvest things from their planet. It doesn’t jive the way that he did it, anyway. But even that, like---even that is not as much of a straight up assassination of his character as the villainous breakdown rant he goes on near the end wherein he declares he’s going to slaughter everyone, including the galra (who . . . follow him?), and start a new altean empire, like . . . honestly, just . . . 

Coherency. Coherency.

I couldn’t enjoy the Sincline vs. Voltron fight (despite wanting to see Sincline form forever . . . and thinking that it looks 10,000 times better than Voltron) because of how Lotor’s character was mangled to make it happen. I just sat there staring blankly at the screen the entire time, feeling nothing but heavy disappointment and sadness. And that . . . is not how I should have felt during that sequence. I should have been excited. I should have been into it. And I mean, parts of it were nice; seeing Keith be the boss I always knew he could be as the Black Paladin was nice. It’s good that his character arc was finally re-railed. But the rest of it . . . what was done to Lotor . . .

My point is, this . . . isn’t enjoyable to me. Between how the fandom has been (i.e. the worst; if this show manages to run to completion without someone actually, literally trying to murder someone I’m going to be goddamn amazed), and the terrible writing, it’s just . . . underwhelming at best and severely upsetting at worst. And make no mistake, the writing is terrible. Lotor’s character assassination aside, as I said above, it’s very plain to me that the entire reason why Krolia and Keith were gone for two years was so that they wouldn’t actually have to show them building up a relationship. The generals were controlled by the plot wholesale. Ezor went from being the most devastated over Narti’s death (to the point where she stops seeing Lotor as her prince in the JP dub) to being glad to be back on Lotor’s side even though Narti is, you know, still dead. Zethrid has been reduced to “as long as I get to blow stuff up, I don’t care.” And Acxa went from wanting to protect Zethrid and Ezor, to . . . being loyal to Lotor? To wanting to ditch him again?? Who the fuck knows. It’s pretty clear that the girls are just plot devices at this point, and as someone who actually really cares about them, that’s upsetting to me. (Like, I’m just going to be honest here, most of the “OMG BADASS LADIES STEP ON MEEE” that I’ve seen in the fandom doesn’t seem to really care about the girls as people. I’m sure there are some people out there who do, but most people seem perfectly happy to have them being Haggar’s lapdogs because “omg badass ladieezzzz” rather than thinking about what’s good for them. But I really care about and like the generals as characters, so to see them reduced to plot devices who just follow whoever with no rhyme or reason is incredibly disappointing to me.)

But what I’m trying to say is, this isn’t enjoyable to me. I’m not having fun. And while at this point I’m not sure what narrative they’re actually trying to tell (the characters are literally just reacting to the plot now, rather than moving it forward; we have no idea what the hell their goal is and I’m sure we won’t find out until some villain does something new), I also know that it’s not one I’m particularly interested in seeing play out. I still love several of the characters (Keith primarily, but also Lotor (despite what they did to him), Kolivan, Acxa, Ezor, Zethrid, and Narti if she’s somehow miraculously still alive), but the overall plot of the show is not one I’m interested in anymore. I don’t think things are going to be handled with the nuance they deserve. I don’t think the writers have the ability to do that at this point. And knowing what this show could have been, versus what it is, makes it really difficult for me to want to keep watching.

So I’m not going to.

Because I don’t see a point in watching something that doesn’t make me happy. If I’m going to come out of every season feeling like this, I shouldn’t do it. To be fair, there are probably a lot of other factors that go into this, such as being on antidepressants / anti-anxiety meds for the first time ever (lot of good they’re doing!!), and other stressors, but . . . still, a show should make me happy. A show should alleviate the stress, not add to it. Even if the show isn’t ultimately what has reduced me to crying so much (and I’ve cried a lot), it’s still a contributing factor and it shouldn’t be that way.

So I’m stepping off. For me, VLD had a good run (mostly the back half of season two, and season three), but this is where I’m done. With the show, at least.

Because like I said, I still do really love the alternate realities I’ve created, and I’m probably going to keep writing those. They’re AUs, so they have nothing to do with canon as it is. My Keitor Zine fic is already done and has been submitted; and my Big Bang fic is an AU as well. So I’ll probably still write those, as I want to, because they’re not beholden to any of the nonsense that just went down in s6, or any of the nonsense that will follow. So if anyone is still interested in those, I’ll probably still write them.

But as for watching the actual show? No. I’m done. Seeing that done to Lotor, and the girls, and how bad the writing is overall . . . I’m sorry, but there are better shows out there. And I just can’t do this anymore.

So . . . that’s that. As coherent or incoherent as this was, that’s that. And I don’t even have a good way to end this so just . . . here’s this, ig.

(don’t reblog it, though. likes and replies are fine, but no reblogs, thanks.)

Thought Distortions

Dear friend, 

I thought i hit rock bottom 2 years ago before one of my exams where i felt like the smallest being in the world, even less worthy than a fly. It did feel like rock bottom, my chest was hurting like no other, and i was slouching and could literally cry at any second if i let myself go. 

Last night though, i hit a different kind of rock bottom. My chest wasn’t hurting, but suddenly “accidents” that would knock me out for god knows how long began to seem EXTREMELY tempting. 

Crossing the road at night, seeing the car headlights enlarging before my eyes, the temptation to just run out and let all this go away was stronger than ever before. 

Looking at my migraine medications, which happen to be an anti-depressant at higher doses as well, and thinking how i could just down the entire bottle and never wake up again. 

or the painkiller that has a component of muscle relaxant that always puts me into a state of drowsiness which i have plenty of...and if i were to just. end this all. and actually fall into a sleep of a thousand years, which i have always kind of fantasised about, but i’ve never actually thought about it in such great detail and such great tempt, that i literally had to use so much self-control to prevent myself from running out into the road, and having to hide my own medications out of sight impulsively to prevent the temptation from building up again. 

i am just so sick of this. 

i’ve been up and down and up and down the past 4-5 years and i’m so tired having to fight myself all the time. 

the tipping point was when my supervisor at work gravely and half-sarcastically said i had to be “more up on my admin game” because i kept leaving things to the last minute, and having all the work build up despite her repeated reminders. 

thing is, it isn’t that i forgot, or that i refused to do it. 

In fact, i tried SO HARD to do it, but i was always so tired and drained at the end of the day, then i will have to work overtime because i’m so tired, then i try to do some work until late at night in a state of numbness and then wake up un-well rested and drain myself through the day again and it repeats and repeats. nothing gets done and my energy is just drained. 

it just hit me so hard that day, her remark, because i was actually trying so hard, but it just didn’t work out, and i’m just too tired to try anymore. 

needless to say this feeling is way too familiar and it just hit me how i will never get out of this rut unless i can somehow fix my mind, in which over the past 4 years, 2 mental health people i’ve reached out to have dismissed my concerns as simply “low self-confidence” and “symptoms of depression but not depressive enough to be depression”, and i don’t want to have to get rejected again and not taken seriously again. 

depression is not a fucking trend. i use to like memes about it because i relate to it, but i realised many people “relate” to these memes but not in the way i do. when i laugh, it is a bitter laugh, with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart. its not actually funny. 

either way i don’t want to self-diagnose, lest i get rejected again, but i have been on this “mindfulness” app and i read a book about CBT for depression that could help, and they have mentioned the same things - Thought distortions. 

At first i was quite amazed, then it helped for awhile, but then i got fed up at it because I KNEW that my thoughts were illogical and stupid and didn’t make sense, but yet i still believed it. I still couldn’t refute it. i couldn’t see beyond my distorted thoughts. 

My main thought distortions are: Filtering the positive, black and white thinking, “should” thinking, overgeneralising, emotional reasoning and personalisation. i do have some mind-reading and illusion of external distortions too but they are not as strong and usually i am able to more or less refute it abit. 

I tried writing out things that could refute my ways of thinking, how they would say “to find evidence against those thinking” but oh my goodness it was so hard. 

Especially filtering the positive. 

I believe i’ve trained myself this way for a long time now, to not celebrate my small achievements, or any achievements even. because i taught myself never to be complacent on anything i achieve, because i’m afraid i will start slacking off from there and never achieve anything again. So i always play down my achievements, i always brush any praise aside (also my family showers so much on me that i’m pretty much numb by now), and i focus on what i did wrong and what i could have done better. 

that was my thing that got me through my major exams back then. and i was very focused and felt very in control of my life, i was isolated from the world (i isolated myself) and i just studied and studied. i told myself i was always at the bottom, so the only way is up. if i don’t study, it will be worse. but if i do, at least i’m further away from being at the bottom. 

however at work, when you’re working with others, the concept of “i am always at the bottom” is not useful! you have to show your competency in some manner. so that didn’t work well at all and i broke down on many occasions. thinking i was at the bottom didn’t help me perform better, neither did it motivate me to improve anymore. it just hit me down whenever i tried to stand back up. 

and i always thought i wanted to go back to that time in my life where things were so much more in control, but now i realise that there was probably where all my thought distortions generated.

i wouldn’t say i’m better now. i’m still toying with the idea of the medication overdose and sleeping for a thousand years. i’m still not really ready to refute my thought distortions now, because i’ve tried before and they are firstly very difficult because i literally cannot see out of the black hole i’ve dug for myself, and also it may or may not work. 

so yeah, i’m in a tough spot now. at least my chest isn’t hurting significantly, but i feel very very numb. and tbh, feeling numb is the most dangerous, because you don’t think of long-term consequences. 

I want so bad to tell someone, but i’m afraid they will tell me i’m just overreacting and self-diagnosing -- like many teens out there now because depression memes are now a trend. its like how sexuality has become such a big part of many people’s identities nowadays to the point where their room is just pride flags and whatnot that’s just plain stupid. i’m bi but i don’t like parade it everywhere as part of my identity. it makes me feel like i don’t really want to be associated with this community :/ but well. you know what they say. the loudest people are probably the very ones that are most out of touch with the actual community. i’m sure there are many out there who are just lovely and we just happen to only see those who are flamboyant about their sexualities, as if they have no other personality at all. 

sorry i had to insert a small rant about that. but yeah. thought distortions. 

i always end off my posts with that “i’ll work on it” because of my way of thinking that i’m always inadequate and i have to work on something AT ALL TIMES because if i don’t then i’m just going to be a failure and continue to stay that way for the rest of time, but i think this time round, i’ll just end it off with.... bye.