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viv-weylin · 2 years

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Pathologic and Grief, Hope and Sorrow.

Pathologic: Finding Hope in Sorrow

"You left me boundaries of pain

Capacious as the sea,

Between eternity and time,

Your consciousness and me."

Emily Dickinson

Grief. Missing another person so deeply that you don't know how to cope. Suffering, your life and dreams crushed by missing another person. Identity lost— how are you supposed to know who you are if you've lost someone you cared for so much?

In Pathologic: you are a doctor. You save lives and… you watch people die. You watch your friends disappear in Pathologic. You lose all you have and everyone because you can't save everything. Its..It's… hopeless. The Town is on Fire, you're starving and half dead, infected with a plague! How can you save everyone if you can't save yourself?

In Pathologic, you suffer. No, no that's not right. You persevere through the suffering. Pathologic is meant to be hard, it's meant to make you want to quit and challenge you through the hardest of survival horror games. You'll run around town, people WILL lie to you and they'll laugh. They'll find it entertaining as you chase loose ends and try and win when in the end, winning was NEVER an option.

The design philosophy about Pathologic is to make you suffer and feel what the characters are feeling through frustration. It's one of the MOST interactive video games out there because in Pathologic 2, you become Artemy, you feel happy when you get the ending. In the Bachelor's route, you become Daniil. After everything and everyone that hurt you of course you'll want to destroy the town because the only good thing in town is the Polyhedron.

You become the characters and in turn… you can learn from the characters.

If you haven't played Pathologic, this is your warning. Please. Play Pathologic, it's worth your time and it's one of the best games of *all* time.

Pathologic is about three healers who have to solve a plague. Its also about three damaged and hurt people growing and learning and having problems we can relate to despite the very intense circumstances. We can learn from this game and apply it to ourselves— we can learn to overcome hardships if we look to… video games.

Video games are special, yeah. I'm going there. Video games can make the character interact with a world and become the protagonist. Most video games use this for their power fantasy. Be a strong, heroic amazing person who can kill hoards of zombies and suplex a… full grown man! It's who you want to be, who you wish you were.

Pathologic… slightly different. In Pathologic, you aren't a hero or someone who can suplex (though artemy probably could) you're a doctor with a gun. You're living in a world where a plague is running rampant and you have no control. Control, that's the theme of the game. Control and the lack thereof. There is no controlling what happens, the stock market crashes, you starve— people you love get sick and you can't do anything but try and stall them from getting ill, begging, hoping they don't die! In the cases of Eva and Aglaya in the second game… there is no saving them.

As the Bachelor, you spend the whole game being controlled by the Kain family without even knowing. As the Haruspex, you're controlled by Oyun if you want more Living Blood to make the plague. If you're the Changeling, you're controlled by everyone because you're a miracle worker.

Yet you continued to play or watch, despite the impossible hardship you've tried and tried and you hopefully got A ending. not a happy one, maybe not a perfect one but a good enough one.

Daniil has his dreams shattered. He tries to defeat death and loses. I'm sure we can all relate to having our dreams or ambitions set aflame.

Artemy loses his family. He has no one but himself to rely on and he has impossible expectations put on him. We can all relate to grief and living up to… your name.

Clara has no one. She gets adopted and her Adoptive family love-hates her. People use her over and over because she's important. We can relate to her identity issues and being used.

Despite the game being so inhuman, we can relate to these VERY human problems. And this VERY human yet mystical world… we can relate to as well.

ACT ONE: DREAMS SHATTERED.

The Bachelor is smart- he has enough hubris to believe he can defeat death. The only inevitability in life. He has a dream (not the song from tangled) and he will make it come true. A celebrity Thanatologist from the capital city visits the town on gorkhon to try and find the key to defeating death. Or so he thought. Of course, it doesn't go right. First, the only person he came he for is dead! The immortal man.. literally dies. Then a plague starts and he can't leave the Town-On-Gorkhon despite trying. He tries to make a vaccine… it doesn't work. Daniil then tries to start a quarantine… it doesn't go as planned. He gets beat up by butchers, his morals are challenged— And then it gets worse.

He loses his only friend, the only person who consistently believed and trusted him- the only person who didn't manipulate him or hurt him. He loses Eva Yan.

Then he loses his life's work. Thanatica is in ashes.

Playing as Daniil when this happens is like a slap in the face. You worked so hard for all of this only for it to crumble apart.

And there's still hope. The Polyhedron, say what you might, it's a masterpiece. A miracle— and something Daniil can keep holding on to. To keep living for. And depending on the game and ending he gets what he wants.

How can we learn from this? Well, if you lose everything, become obsessed with this cult-like creation that defies logic?! Ha, well, no. I mean if you lose everything, your dream or job, like you did playing as Daniil… find something new to pursue. It could be as small as adopting a cat or learning to cook… or studying a big giant tower in the sky. Whatever makes you happy.

okay don't do that.

ACT TWO: GRIEF.

Losing Family. Losing Friends. Losing anyone is probably one of the hardest things we all go through. Death is inevitable, we will lose someone and we'll feel alone. Artemy expects to come home to his dad and.. returns to a town that he can't recognize. A dead father and a mugging. It's just his no-good very bad day. This is where it gets complicated because there are two games but it's generally the same. Artemy goes through a bunch of trials and suffers non stop to make a cure for a town that despises him over and over. Is lied to non stop and doesn't have time to grieve.

Artemy, like us, understands grief. He gets the expectations that we all live up to. He gets the… most universal story out of everyone. After his father dies he's expected to pick up his father's name. After someone we love dies, especially a parent, we're expected to fill the hole that they did. And oftentimes we cant— because we aren't our parents. We're their children.

Artemy, instead, forges his own path. One that balances who his father was and who he's expected to be and the town. His chosen family and his… inherited family. He learns to cope with his father's death by surrounding himself with unending love, his friends like Lara and Grief… to his children. Choosing your family. I love that.

I am a Filipino person— and I am also adopted by a white woman. To Filipinos, family means a lot. And I don't really have filipino family because my birth family didn't want me, and my chosen family does. And this makes me feel… seen in a way. Validating that choosing your family is perfectly okay. You can choose your family.

And we can do the same. Crushing expectations can be coped with by fulfilling a bit of that expectation AND being ourselves. Surrounding ourselves with loved ones can cope with death. There's no right way to do this, none of this is easy. Was Pathologic an easy game? It's trial and error.

This is about trying to find hope in the endless suffering… and its not easy. It's probably the hardest thing someone can do. I just want to try and prove that it's possible.

ACT THREE: IDENTITY.

I relate to Clara the most. I'm a teenager, I don't know who I am if anyone. I don't know who I'll be or if I'm the embodiment of an evil person or if I'm a good person under layers of teenage angst. Clara, to me, represents the way teenagers can feel lost.

She's a… miracle worker and the plague. She's manipulated by all the adults in her life for their own gain. Adults are manipulative, they think just because teenagers are younger, they don't really understand.

we can all relate to being unsure of our identities, like what job will you do in college? What company to apply to? Did you make the right choices in your life? Are you happy with where you are? We can relate to being manipulated. That toxic relationship, abusive parent or shitty friend we had.

Clara… doesn't have a definitive ending to hers. I think it's probably because hers is unfinished and— that makes this segment hard.

what can we learn from Clara? how can we grow from playing as her? what do we learn, what's the theme of HER story?

I don't know. I haven't finished her route yet, schools been in the way. but I think I can say that the best way I can cope with the lack of solid identity is… just being yourself without labels? It sounds cheesy and corny but she's literally the Changeling, that label is much more up to interpretation compared to the Bachelor and the Haruspex. Those are specific, a scholar and a surgeon and a… creature who can shape-shift. Our personalities are ever changing shape-shifting amalgamation of the things around us and how we were raised.

And manipulation — I don't know how to cope with that. Just knowing that you were and remembering what they did and how to avoid it… is all you can do.

What can we learn from pathologic as a game? Pathologic can teach us how to find hope in Sorrow. A happy ending isn't perfect, we still have to sacrifice something to get a decent ending and sometimes that sacrifice may be massive. But contentness is… enough. Pathologic can teach us that in the face of adversity and Sorrow, through hard work and… lots of sacrifice… maybe not perfection or pure happiness is possible but hope. Hope is.

hope that things will get better. and that being content is enough for now.

I… struggle a lot. Your teenage things but also things wholly unique to me, maybe these things are my identity.

This whole channel is just reflection on things I love, that's why I made it. And this is why this is my first video. It's purely emotional and opinionated, it's purely just me talking about how pathologic helps me cope with my own problems and I'm sure as I get older maybe this will change. Maybe I'll stop being a self reflective pretentious jackass teenager who's obsessed with Pathologic — or maybe I'll always be this way.

Either way, Pathologic can help us learn to continue and persevere through our suffering by letting us be the characters that have to grow. In this inhuman world full of not quite human characters… a lot of them have human problems. Not just the main three.

Lara is getting over grief her own way, she represents the millions of people too scared to talk about their emotions. The Kains represent people who are so self absorbed in their own dream to think of anyone but themselves. There's so much more I could say, I could infodump for hours about this God forsaken game but i don't think you want to hear that.

#pathologic essay #pathologic #pathologic 2 #daniil dankovsky #artemy Burakh #clara pathologic

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laxmiree · 30 days

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[CN] MLQC Season 2 Chapter 56 Translation [Lucien’s Part]-(2/2)

⚠️ SPOILER ALERT ⚠️

This post contains a VERY HEAVY SPOILER for the chapter that has not been released in EN yet! Feel free to notify me if there are any mistakes in the translation~

I see your darkness, your failures, your confusion.

"Are you leaving?"

His deep gaze makes my heart tremble, and his tight grip on my hand feels as if he wants to imprison me here forever.

I purse my lips and gaze into the depths of his dark eyes, confronting the obscurity and paranoia lurking within.

Translation under the cut!

[Previous Part-> Click Here]

—[Chapter 56-15]—

Next, Lucien and I search the orphanage thoroughly under the cover of the night. Along the way, we inevitably trigger hidden rules, failing the mission several times.

We stop at the entrance of an underground secret chamber as the moon begins to fade away, and I look at Lucien.

MC: Do you want to go in?

Lucien: Mm, it seems that the door is locked though. We might need a key.

MC: No need, watch this!

I proudly take out my lockpicking tools from my backpack and fiddle with the lock. Then, with a click, the door opens.

Lucien's eyebrows furrow slightly, but his eyes squint with a smile, appearing somewhat resigned but also amused, as if he didn't expect this turn of events.

Lucien: As a mentor, I'm surprised to learn that this classmate also possesses lockpicking skills.

MC: Hehe, I have plenty of skill points to spare, and with Professor Lucien being so capable, I thought I'd invest in some odd skills.

MC: Lockpicking, tracking footprints, beast hunting... If I see something fun, I'll learn it.

MC: Otherwise, in "Odyssey", wouldn't I have to rely on Professor Lucien for everything?

Lucien is amused by my demeanor, and he bends his eyes, showing a hint of interest in them.

Lucien: Then I'll look forward to experiencing this classmate's diverse "life skills" in the future.

Pushing open the door, a cold, stark white light suddenly appears. I enter the secret room with Lucien one after another.

I squint my eyes slightly, waiting for them to adjust to the light, and in front of me, many unknown cold white devices come into view.

A massive amount of documents is locked in cabinets and some handwritten notes are scattered across several tables, documenting the experiments being conducted here.

Lucien stands in front of the desk, flipping through several experiment records, his brow furrowed.

Lucien: These children are involved in an experiment to synchronize their minds. Once the experiment succeeds, they will become "puppets" that can be manipulated by others.

MC: But... what is the purpose of such experiments?

Lucien: Not entirely sure yet, but I did see the signature of the sponsor of these experiments.

I take the list he handed me. "Angel Adoption Center", “Childhood Charity Association", "Neurological Research Institute"...

As I look at these words written in black and white, a chill emanates from the depths of my heart, slowly spreading throughout my body.

Children who should have received special care are instead becoming experimental subjects at the mercy of others in the dark basement.

What should be a joyful paradise for children turns out to be a breeding ground for evil to satisfy the desires of adults…

The indoor walls are painted snow white, under the pale light, we feel as if we are trapped in a lab rat's cage.

The familiar scene almost makes my hands tremble, I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

MC: …Lucien, have you found any new clues on your end?

I wait for a while, but there is no response from Lucien.

I open my eyes in confusion, only to see an icicle hurtling towards me, aimed directly at my forehead!

I instinctively roll to dodge and crash heavily onto the cold ground.

MC: Ugh…!

The icicle lodges tightly into the ground, piercing through a strand of my hair. I gasp and turn to look at Lucien.

With one hand gripping the report, his other hand hanging limply and emitting a chill. Lucien's face is frozen in shock.

MC: What's going on... Could it be?

Subconsciously, I recall the myriad of hidden rules in this place. Have we unwittingly violated something again?

Is ‘’you can't read the experiment report" also an unwritten rule of the orphanage? But why weren't we teleported out this time?

MC: Lucien, we…

Lucien: MC.

His voice is chillingly cold, carrying an inexplicable danger. I turn my head to see veins bulging on his forehead like ice cracks as if he's struggling to restrain something.

Lucien: [sternly] Just... abandon the mission.

Before I could ask anything, another icicle pierces straight into the ground right beside my foot, sending a chilling sensation through me.

Lucien: [SHOUTING] ….MC, RUN!

As the words register, I finally realize what's happening. I sprint forward, but as soon as my foot hits the ground, the space distorts, and I'm instantly back in front of him.

MC: Ah, sprinting is futile! I forgot that you can also space-fold!

Since I can't leave this underground facility, I'm forced into a relentless chase with Lucien within this confined space.

An icicle shoots towards me at lightning speed, and I can almost feel the freezing sensation brushing against my skin—

However, the icicle grazes past me at the last moment, mercilessly severing just a strand of my hair.

I turn around to find Lucien breathing heavily, as if he just exerted himself to regain a moment of consciousness, barely managing to deflect the icicle.

And I'm not doing so well either. To avoid his onslaught, I've almost used up all the items in my backpack.

The only thing that might still be useful... is this rope.

MC: I have no choice but to spare no effort…

I suddenly stand still on the ground, not dodging the incoming icicles.

In an instant, the icicles seem to veer slightly, grazing hard past my shoulder. I grunt in pain, and in the corner of my eye, I see Lucien's figure pause.

Now's the time!

I swiftly unleash my "Beast Hunter" skill, and the rope descends from the sky, tying Lucien tightly.

MC: Success….!

The next second, silver-white streaks cut through the air, and a barrage of ice spikes slice through my rope.

MC: ...It's over.

Is the mission going to fail again? I close my eyes, waiting to be respawned back to the orphanage.

Yet the next moment, I find myself falling into an embrace.

Lucien: MC, it's okay now.

I open my eyes, gazing at Lucien dazedly.

His eyes regain that familiar gentleness, though the coldness seems not to have entirely dissipated.

MC: Have you... regained control?

Lucien gently curled his lips and winked his crystal-clear eyes at me, but it was as if he had used up all his strength.

—[Chapter 56-17]—

-You've discovered the orphanage's conspiracy; it's time to make a choice with your mentor.

As soon as I walk out of the basement, the system pops up with a new prompt.

MC: Of course, these conspiracies must be exposed to the public!

MC: Otherwise, I would be letting down the children in the night division, the children waiting outside... and even letting down my childhood self!

Lucien: It seems MC really empathizes with this mission.

Lucien smiles as he watches me angrily select the "expose conspiracy" option, making the same choice as me.

MC: For the children of the Night Division, this orphanage must be a complicated place.

MC: It provides them with a living environment, yet pushes them towards hell…

I take a deep breath, feeling somewhat melancholic.

MC: I wonder how long it will take to dispel the trauma left here for them…

Lucien: Perhaps what lingers in one's life is more than just the haunting trauma.

As he speaks, a hint of snow-colored moonlight seeps into Lucien's eyes, cold yet beautiful.

Lucien: It's just that this soil no longer needs to continue preserving it.

MC: Are you suggesting…

Lucien: Let's do what couldn't be done in reality.

With that, he grabs my hand and turns back to the basement.

Twin Leaves Orphanage stands on the ground like a beached white whale gasping for its last breath on the shore, no one knows that its insides have rotted away.

But now, we have unearthed all of them, exposing them to the moonlight.

Lucien and I have transported all the books and equipment related to the experiments, piling up a series of decrepit items at the entrance of the orphanage.

He half squints his eyes, as if pondering the next move. Understanding his unspoken thoughts, I retrieve something from my backpack.

MC: Here, matches.

Lucien strikes the match, and the flame throbs in his hand, as if a powerful, vivid heart is being put into it.

In an instant, the flame shoots up into the sky, illuminating the words "Orphanage" at the entrance, consuming and burning away all the sins.

I take a deep breath of the scorching air, witnessing the imminent arrival of this new beginning.

Lucien: ….

In the corner of my eye, Lucien's figure comes into view.

He holds a burning record of experiments in his hand, silently watching the flames.

Against the backdrop of the blazing flames, his features outlined by the light appear increasingly cold and indifferent.

It’s even darker and colder than the moonlight.

MC: Lucien…?

The crackling of the flames drowns out my soft shouting. Lucien's figure is half-hidden in the shadows, revealing an indescribable loneliness and desolation.

I quietly walk up to his side, gently placing a hand on his arm.

MC: What are you thinking about?

Lucien shakes his head lightly, casually tossing the last remnants of the page into the fire.

Lucien: [chuckles lightly, then sighs] Just feeling like this scene is somewhat familiar, and I've come to understand something.

Lucien: Perhaps when faced with failure, looking back is also a choice.

Lucien: Maybe we can find answers among the things that have already been burned.

He smiles at me, the curve of his lips perfect yet distant. I gaze at his profile, silently tightening my grip on his hand.

Before my eyes, the flames roar fiercely, yet it feels almost chilling.

After sending all the children away, a halo of light appears and disappears around us, signaling the completion of the mission.

I look at Lucien, who has been silent since just now and squeeze his hand with concern.

MC: Are you tired? You look like you're not feeling well.

Lucien: …I'm fine.

Lucien: It's just that the mission we just had was a bit special, so I've been thinking about the reasons behind it.

MC: Special?

Seeing my confusion, Lucien furrows his brow, then speaks thoughtfully.

Lucien: …When being controlled by the game, what I felt was not the usual sensation of a mission… but rather something akin to the takeover of my central nervous system.

Lucien: This is the first time I've experienced such a sensation in a game.

Lucien: [quietly] …The feeling of being deprived of control over my consciousness is not good.

He speaks with indifference, but his eyes seem to be shrouded by a layer of darkness.

Thinking about how he looked just now, I worriedly reach out and touch the tired corners of Lucien's eyes.

MC: [worriedly] Is there anywhere you feel uncomfortable right now?

Lucien shakes his head, but I still can't help but feel a little worried.

MC: Could it be that we've been doing tasks for too long? Or maybe there's a bug on Infinite's side?

MC: If that's the case, no wonder it feels like the "hidden rules" this time are different, and neither of us got transported back to the orphanage…

Feeling anxious, I speak faster and faster until Lucien gently squeezes my hand, speaking in a soothing tone.

Lucien: [soothingly] We might need to look for the answer to this question within the game.

Lucien: Would you like to join me?

The warmth emanating from his palm feels different from before, now harboring a hint of burning nostalgia.

When Professor Lucien gets clingy, he's like a fox narrowing its eyes; I simply can't resist him.

A hint of sweetness wells up in my heart as I take a few steps forward with him.

MC: Alright, then I'll keep accompanying you to find the answers, anywhere you want to go.

✂———————–

We wander aimlessly along the path we come, watching together as the starry night is melted away by the sunlight.

Hand in hand, we cross the untouched stream, occasionally plucking flower buds together, knowing that new ones will soon bloom again.

The dew on the stones and the newly bloomed flowers tremble with each step we take, showcasing their vitality.

After hopping onto a slab of stone, I don't hear Lucien's voice. Turning around, I find him behind me, lost in thought with his head bowed.

During our leisurely and carefree stroll, I often catch glimpses of loneliness and coldness in his expression, tinged with sorrow.

Soon, he resumes his usual gentle smile, catching up to me as if those moments of cold loneliness were just insignificant illusions.

I hold his arm as I maintain a natural expression, and continue to talk and laugh with him without losing my smile.

I can feel restlessness in the corner of his heart, and the root of these changes—

Seems to lie outside of the game.

Walking through the night into a new day, as we witness the sunrise melting into the horizon once more, we find ourselves back at Lucien's home.

The morning light blankets the river, its ripples dancing in Lucien's eyes, as if a layer of mottled silver is painted across them.

I take a gentle breath of the air filled with the moisture of water and the fragrance of grass, then turn away and speak softly.

MC: Lucien, is there something... happening to you in the real world?

—[Chapter 56-18]—

The water gurgles as it flows, and an invisible silence spreads around us, concealing the warmth of the sun from our bodies.

I hear Lucien's light exhale as he reaches out to touch my cheek, prompting me to look back at him.

Lucien: MC, in front of you, I want to accompany you with a calming mood and a clear mind.

Lucien's gaze carries shattered dawnlight. He lowers his eyes, his tone calm and natural.

He didn't directly answer my question, yet it was as if he explained something.

It's as if he casually mentioned something irrelevant. He doesn't continue, instead he takes my hand and sits by the river with me.

His silence on the topic, and the way he skirts around it, leaves a lingering cloud of doubt in my heart.

Lucien has always been calm and composed, but in the places I cannot see, has he silently endured something I am unaware of?

The river breeze sweeps over our heads, tousling our hair. Watching Lucien's quiet profile, I can't help but speak up in the end.

MC: Lucien, when I came to see you today, I couldn't help but feel... that you may have encountered some "difficulties".

MC: It's just that at that moment, I felt like you didn't want to talk about it, so I thought of spending some fun and relaxing time with you first.

MC: Actually, I should have just told you directly…

With both of my hands cradling his face, our eyes meet, and I speak firmly.

MC: We've been through so much together. No matter what difficulties we encounter, haven't we always faced them together?

MC: Tell me about the difficulties you're facing, okay?

Lucien looks at me, sighs softly, and rests his forehead against mine. Our breaths mingle, tracing each other's heartbeats.

Lucien: [inhales then sighs longly]…

His eyelashes tremble a few times, and he embraces me tightly, warm breath murmuring softly in my ear.

Lucien: [whispers softly and quietly] Then let me... tell you myself.

After Lucien finished speaking, he logged off. I take a deep breath and then log off as soon as I see his avatar turn gray.

The lingering light of the setting sun dances through the windows. It's been almost half a day since I went to see Lucien.

It's the first time I've been online in "Odyssey" for so long. After leaving the game, I feel a wave of dizziness flooding my mind.

The light from the hallway in the research institute seeps through the gap in the laboratory door and the lights inside the room are off.

The room is filled with the dim yellow of dusk, with the steadily dissipating setting sun as the sole source of light.

Lucien sits beside me, the twilight casting shadows on his clear and refined face, making it difficult for me to discern his expression.

I get up to turn on the light, but a gentle touch brushes against my cheek.

Just like how I cradle his face in the game, my face is being held up by his cold hands.

A pair of eyes shining with a cold gleam lock onto my gaze.

As we're within a very close distance, Lucien's body emanates a faint chill, as if submerged in seawater, yet his gaze is blazing hot and surging.

Lucien: [quietly and softly] Are you leaving?

MC: I'm not leaving, I just want to turn on the light…

Lucien: …Don't turn on the light.

A cold breath brushes past my cheek. Lucien takes a deep breath, his gaze flickering.

Lucien: …Just stay here quietly by my side like this.

Lucien's tone remains gentle, but his hand firmly grasps mine without any explanation, rendering me unable to move.

He looks deeply into my eyes as if seeing something through me.

His deep gaze makes my heart tremble, and his tight grip on my hand feels as if he wants to imprison me here forever.

I purse my lips and gaze into the depths of his dark eyes, confronting the obscurity and paranoia lurking within.

His grasp on my palm feels burning hot, with a slight tremble that's barely perceptible, as if it's desperately restraining something about to burst out.

I don't know why he's like this, but I know one thing— he wants me to stay by his side.

So I take the initiative to open my arms and embrace him tightly.

MC: Alright, I'll stay right here, not going anywhere. So... don't force yourself.

I feel his body stiffen, before his arms around me tighten and embrace me harder, as if he wants to meld me into his body, causing a bit of pain.

The last glimmer of twilight fades away, and in the darkness, I hug him tightly for a long time.

The breath by our ears and the heartbeat pressed against each other’s chest gradually sync in frequency, becoming our sole yet intimate form of communication.

Feeling the breath of the person in my arms has gradually calmed down, I softly ask him.

MC: Shall we go turn on the lights together?

The person in my embrace remains silent. I hold his hand and slowly stroke his back.

MC: I want to see you, Lucien.

There's a pause on his breath, and then a faint rustle of our rubbing clothes follows.

I'm pulled into a tighter embrace and he moves a few steps. Immediately after, the lights switch on.

Under the cold light of the laboratory, I notice the dark circles under Lucien's eyes, standing out prominently.

I let him hold me as my fingertips slowly touched the proof of his fatigue.

MC: How many hours have you been sleeping lately?

Lucien: ...This week, it adds up to three hours.

Lucien closes his eyes and presses his face against my palm, his brows furrowing unconsciously. I pause, then gently massage his forehead.

MC: Does your head hurt a lot?

Lucien: It hurts.

He doesn't open his eyes, but his brows relax slightly. His hoarse voice seeped into my ears, tinged with a hint of vulnerability.

...Remembering Lucien's appearance the last time he lost control, my heart tightens.

This isn't the first time. It's been happening since a few months ago and there have been subtle signs of this.

Lucien: This kind of headache prevents me from concentrating and stabilizing my emotions for research, causing progress to slow down.

He opens his eyes, seeming to have recovered a lot, and loosens his tight grasp on my hands.

Lucien: But in the game, I can escape from physical discomfort and think more freely, which leads to faster research progress. So I believe this is a great way to do it.

His tone becomes calm again, even indifferent as if the person suffering the torture is not himself.

I embrace him distressfully, my eyes involuntarily becoming moist.

After a long while, I hear his calm voice ringing beside my ear.

Lucien: MC, it's from Evol's deterioration.

—[Chapter 56-19]—

I startle, lifting my head to look at him.

Although there's a vague premonition in my heart, I still uncontrollably feel a sharp pain hearing these calm words.

MC: Lucien…

I open my mouth, but all that escapes is his name. My eyes sting with tears, blurring the person in front of me.

From the moment he broke NW's glass chamber and carried me out from there, I had already noticed some subtle differences.

All the things that I couldn't figure out before, now seem to have answers.

Without effective treatment, the deterioration symptoms of Evolvers will only worsen, leading inevitably to death or premature demise.

Lucien is no exception to this.

So much has happened recently, with no events related to deterioration occurring, I've almost pushed it out of my mind.

The grim memories flood back into my mind, and I take a sharp breath.

I forgot.

I forgot that the conflicts arising from deterioration had only temporarily receded into the depths, but the symptoms of the illness had never disappeared.

They still spread and feed on their host like parasites.

I look at Lucien before me, his complexion much dimmer than before, and his lips are as pale as autumn frost.

MC: I genuinely forgot, Lucien…

Even if Lucien had never mentioned it, I should have checked for changes in his physical condition.

Lucien is so adept at feigning normalcy and enduring; enduring pain, enduring collapse, enduring…… deterioration…

Now, with even him unable to bear it, just how far has his deterioration progressed?

I dare not dwell on it, feeling tears welling up in my eyes, yet Lucien simply gently and slowly holds my hand in his palm.

Lucien: Don't blame yourself. It's just some unavoidable problems with my body. Moreover, our recent research on deterioration has been going smoothly.

MC: Have there been any breakthroughs?

I blink quickly to conceal the glisten of moisture in my eyes.

Lucien shakes his head, deliberating as he simplifies the complex process of his findings.

Lucien: For a long time, the drugs developed have shown limited effectiveness in clinical settings.

Lucien: Yesterday, the final clinical trial of the last drug also concluded, and the result was a failure.

MC: ….

I open my mouth, but feeling a sudden heaviness in my heart, many thoughts that had bubbled to my lips now dissolve into nothingness.

MC: ...Then why is it going smoothly?

Lucien notices my emotions and, in turn, comforts me by gently squeezing my hand.

Lucien: Because this failure is the most special one.

Lucien: For years, all the solutions in the field of biomedicine for deterioration, the biological material—

Lucien: Have been extracted from ordinary people and Evolvers, then applied to Evolvers.

Lucien: The failure of clinical trials proves that both paths we've been pursuing for so long are wrong, so we can only find another way.

He looks at me, his gaze filled with certainty about the conclusion, completely unconcerned about how shocking his words sound.

Lucien: The biological material to cure deterioration is neither in ordinary people nor in Evolvers.

My head spins a bit, leaving only one path, neither ordinary people nor Evolvers…

Who else could it be? Could it possibly be... me?

As if guessing what I'm thinking, he shakes his head.

Lucien: CORE is indeed a perfect gene, but it is not replicable, what I mean is, for example...

Seeing him about to think again, I blurt out almost in a panic.

MC: ...F-for example, relying on aliens?!

Lucien: Aliens? [chuckles lightly] That's also a possibility.

My scattered thoughts amuse Lucien, causing a slight curl of his lips.

Lucien: If there really are aliens, I would definitely think of a way to capture them for research.

Our conversation started on a somber note and ended with Lucien's playful joke.

The lights in the lab are glaring in the darkness of the evening, and I'm just thinking about how to ensure Lucien gets a good night's sleep tonight—

Lucien seems to have anticipated my thoughts. He stops in his tracks, not allowing me to lead him out of the lab.

Lucien: You've already helped me a lot today and provided me with new inspiration.

Looking back on my actions throughout the day, nothing seems particularly special. I furrow my brow, looking at him in confusion.

MC: Did I?

Lucien smiles and smooths out my furrowed brow, extending his hand to me.

Lucien: Can you accompany me somewhere now?

✂———————–

As the sunset bathes the earth, Lucien and I become solitary figures amidst the tranquil twilight, walking side by side in the quiet evening.

Lucien: Watch your step, give me your hand.

I take his hand and we walk around a cement wall, feeling a bit curious.

MC: I didn't expect there to be such a large expanse of ruins behind the research center…

Lucien: From here onwards, this used to be the territory of the research institute. However, after the reconstruction of Ultima Bioscience Research Institute, this area has been abandoned.

As we walk, Lucien vividly recounts the research heyday of the research institute.

Lucien: There were multiple laboratories, control rooms, and even a display center here…

I listen to Lucien describe in detail the comprehensive facilities that once existed in the main building, and I can't help but be amazed and impressed.

The completeness and capacity of this abandoned area are rare even in today's research institutions.

Despite being abandoned, one can still see how grand its building area was back then.

Now, the walls of the buildings above ground in the main building are mottled and fragile, crumbling at a mere touch due to lack of maintenance.

Lucien: When the research direction of the research institute was first proposed, it attracted a lot of attention.

MC: From your description, this place must have been filled with talented individuals.

Lucien: Mm, at that time, the main research direction was to find methods to delay or even reverse deterioration through gene editing and cell manipulation experiments.

Lucien: And leading the team was a highly respected scientific researcher, Mr. Xu.

[T/N: Mr. Xu (徐) in this has a different surname from Lucien's Xu [许] surname]

I look at him in surprise as he leads me through the ruins, his gaze calm.

Lucien: But the field of gene editing inevitably involves modifications that could potentially be irreversible to human genetic material.

Lucien: You can guess what happened next.

MC: There must have been a lot of controversy.

Lucien pauses his steps gently, his tone cold and distant.

Lucien: One could even say that it was sensational.

—[Chapter 56-20]—

The twilight seems to have grown even darker.

I exhale softly into my hand, listening as Lucien continues to recount the difficulties faced by the research team in those years.

Lucien: Soon, some people raised objections that this violated academic ethics and norms. They went to Mr. Xu's office to exert pressure, using both soft and hard tactics.

MC: Indeed... it's something expected.

Lucien: Mm, after such ethical controversies persisted for a while, they significantly impacted the progress of the research.

Lucien: Afterwards, the research outcomes also failed to meet the standards for an extended period, leading to a decline in external funding support and morale within the research team.

Lucien's voice is steady as he narrates the end of this place's story.

Lucien: Ultimately, due to technical limitations and insufficient understanding of the nature of the deteriorating disease, the key samples were damaged.

Lucien: This incident became the final straw that broke the camel's back, causing the management to completely lose confidence in the research direction.

The wind whispers through this now desolate wasteland as if sighing at the hasty conclusion of a grand tale.

Lucien: The research team disbanded, and the complete abandonment of the base became the final chapter of this place.

Just like dominoes, one problem leads to another, ultimately leading to failure here.

Lucien retrieves a fragile, weathered page from the ground, its surface bearing faint traces of burn marks.

Lucien: For me, this base is like those "dark pasts" we burned in the game today.

MC: So, back then, when you were staring at the flames in a trance...

Lucien: When the flames lit up, I recalled those research contents that were "burned" due to failure.

Lucien: The drugs developed at that time did indeed temporarily repair the defects in the Evolver gene, resulting in experimental subjects exhibiting extraordinary enhancements in abilities.

Lucien: However, this enhancement came at a cost. It resulted in excessive accumulation of Evol energy in the body, rapidly draining the life of the subjects.

Lucien narrates the story as if it’s not a big deal, yet I'm listening with cold sweat trickling down my spine.

Lucien: Even after all these years, no one has looked back at those failed research endeavors, myself included.

He turns to me, a faint smile playing at the corners of his lips.

Lucien: But today's orphanage mission has given me new ideas.

Lucien: Perhaps, within these 'burned' pasts, there indeed exists some useful information.

Guided by Lucien, I explore cautiously, sidestepping collapsed walls, navigating around dusty stairs, and avoiding dilapidated benches.

Step by step, I tour the area, using my feet as a ruler to measure the former grandeur of this place.

It feels as if I'm transported back to the past, witnessing firsthand the research institute's rapid decline after a brief moment of glory.

I had assumed that we would continue to wander through every corner of the research institute until Lucien suddenly came to a halt.

Following his gaze, I peer ahead to see that the corridor in front of us looks as if it has been subjected to an explosion.

Glass and rubble are scattered around us, blocking the path ahead. Unless cleared, it’s impossible for us to proceed.

Lucien falls silent, his gaze lowering as if lost in memories.

I don't disturb him and quietly wait by his side.

To me, it's just an abandoned research institute, a relic of a bygone era. But for him, it surely holds memories of his own.

After a moment, Lucien turns to me, a faint smile gracing his face.

Lucien: Come on, let's go back.

MC: Is that all? No more searching?

Lucien's eyes are filled with traces of memories, but he doesn't linger. He simply gazes up at the sky above this wasteland.

The sky from years ago had the same sunset as today.

Lucien: This is enough.

Lucien had no intention of going home to rest and insisted on continuing to research at the research institute.

I can only insist on escorting him to the entrance of the research institute and bidding him farewell downstairs.

Under the moonlight, our shadows are stretched long, occasionally overlapping with my careless footsteps.

I ponder the ending of that story and can't help but cautiously ask the question that has always lingered in my mind.

MC: Lucien, what happened to the supervisor who led the group after the team disbanded?

Lucien: He has a very realistic ending.

Lucien: Faced with overwhelming pressure and the irreparable setback, he chose to leave the field of biological sciences and went to teach in remote mountain areas.

Lucien: Now, he should continue teaching in some mountainous region.

I have a feeling inside that's hard to describe as if there are pieces of cotton soaked in water stuffed into my heart, permeated with a heavy sense of worry.

Lucien: Don't worry, in the journey of scientific research, coming to a dead end without any particular reason is the most common thing.

In reality, the night wind is even more biting than in "Odyssey," Lucien straightens my coat.

Lucien: Besides, whatever price failure demands, it's all within our expectations.

Lucien's gaze is gentle yet subtly imbued with an unparalleled dedication.

I meet his gaze and eventually nod with a smile, wrapping my arms around his neck and nuzzling him affectionately.

Lucien also pulls me into a tight hug, and we exchange each other's body heat, enjoying the silent moment in tacit understanding.

Just then, the phone rings abruptly. I pick it up and see that it's a call from my work partner.

I quickly answer the phone and exchange a few words. After hanging up, I glance at Lucien, hesitating as if wanting to say something but holding back.

Lucien: [softly] Do you still have work to attend to?

I nod and hug Lucien tightly with reluctance, unwilling to part with him.

MC: Our partner isn't quite satisfied with our plan and wants me to take charge and revise it.

Lucien: Then, I'll call a cab for you.

Feeling somewhat sad and reluctant, I tighten my grip on his sleeve, looking into his eyes.

MC: [worriedly] Lucien, I know you're dealing with something very difficult alone.

MC: Although my power is small, if you need me... I'll be there.

MC: Whether you need the power of the CORE or simply need me.

Lucien: Don't worry, I certainly will need you. After all, I'll need you more than you imagine.

His eyebrows arch slightly as he gazes into my eyes, a hint of a smile playing on his lips.

I hop into the taxi, and Lucien stands there, watching me leave. Until the car turns the street corner, his reassuring figure is still in sight.

✂———————–

The building of the research institute is also shrouded in moonlight, gradually disappearing into the concrete and steel jungle of the city.

The corridor is brightly lit. The high-wattage lights are unadorned, making the bright areas even more dazzling and the shadows even darker.

Lucien walks back to his dimly lit office alone.

He reaches into a corner of the filing cabinet that hasn't been opened in a long time, finding only a brittle yellowed piece of paper inside.

The light from the corridor spills into the office, and the red emergency exit lights are on, providing enough illumination to see the entire contents of the paper.

[Name: Xu Yijian, Cause of Death: Explosion caused by laboratory sample leakage.]

[Due to severe damage at the scene, there is currently no evidence of human factors, and it is deemed as an incident.]

✂———————–

[Afterword, rambles, and highlight(s)]

After MONTHS of foreshadowing and subtle signs in both the main story (especially chapter 45 + Chapter 51) and R&S, the deterioration finally takes a toll on Lucien. The main focus revolves around the long-awaited arrival of the deteriorating disease event, marking a crucial turning point in the storyline. In this sort-of-analysis want to highlight and talk about the underlying theme of this chapter and what the future may hold for his main story sub-plot.

[Odyssey]

MC: I signed a collaboration with Infinite for their new game, and today, I’m going to try out their gaming equipment. Lucien: Is it the game called “Odyssey”? MC: Oh, you know about it too? Lucien: Since the first-generation products of GA, they’ve been using a lot of technology related to brainwaves and data conversion. [S2 Chapter 51]

As I mentioned at the beginning of this chapter translation, Odyssey is a hyper-realistic VR game developed by a company called Infinite. Their technology not only allows players to see and hear in the realistic game world but also to touch, taste, and smell as they interact with it.

To enter the game, players need to put on a device called Golden Apple (GA for short). Not only that, but the game also incorporates AI technology into it. Infinite has a lot of technologies that are said to be "out of this world, besides AI they also develop other things yet to be revealed.

MC: I never expected that the charm of "Odyssey" would be so great that even Professor Lucien has become an "Internet Addict". I clear my throat and then nonchalantly add a "harmless" little question. MC: Lately, it seems like I've been seeing you online often. Is the work at the Ultima Bioscience Research Institute relatively easy?

MC notices that Lucien has been spending a lot of time online in the game. Although Lucien explains that he does so because it's quieter and allows him to focus better, but is the reason really that simple?

[Children of Night Division - Emotional Neglect and Loneliness]

Ever since the start, the mission has felt very personal to them. Why did the mission lead them to the exact place that can trigger trauma for both Lucien and MC over their pasts? Why does the mission lore bear an uncanny resemblance to what they experienced as children? How did a mere game take over the human nervous center, isn’t this technology dangerous?

MC: I can't shake the feeling that this orphanage mission seems to have some sort of prototype reference... like the mirrored building we encountered before. MC: There's a kind of... indescribable familiarity in my heart.

I have two theories:

The game digs into their memory and with AI technology, uses it to create such a mission, raising the stakes for both of them

Infinite has some information about BS experiments and besides using it to develop its technology, Infinite also uses it as a ‘prototype reference’ for the AI to develop a mission, resulting in such a mission.

I don’t know which theory is more f*cked up, be it the game gaining data from the players without their consent or them using those kinds of data to design the game:” therefore also exploited the orphanage children indirectly…

Anyway, both theories can explain the sudden takeover of Lucien’s consciousness. Because the ‘data’ gained from them (be it their memory or BS experiment file) have him as part of the orphanage experiment. So, I speculate that the game can control him because it considers him part of the "night division"... Let me explain a bit more.

The orphanage segregates children into night and day divisions based on their performance and physical condition. Observing their demeanor during classes, it seems plausible that the night division comprises children deemed academically proficient.

As I look at these words written in black and white, a chill emanates from the depths of my heart, slowly spreading throughout my body. Children who should have received special care are instead becoming experimental subjects at the mercy of others in the dark basement. What should be a joyful paradise for children turns out to be a breeding ground for evil to satisfy the desires of adults…

Lucien's past in Black Swan (BS) shares striking similarities with the experiences of the children in the night division. Like them, he was subjected to experimentation and exploitation. [Till Dawn R&S]. While he may have consented to some extent, there is definitely some manipulation involved in shaping a child into a tool for BS.

MC: For the children of the Night Division, this orphanage must be a complicated place. MC: It provides them with a living environment, yet pushes them towards hell…

BS provided him with a living environment that allowed him to survive, but it also pushed him towards a hell where he had no time to contemplate his circumstances. He was constantly driven to keep running, with his emotional needs completely neglected. While he may not have experienced physical abuse later on, the emotional neglect he endured as a child is a form of abuse in itself.

Lucien: I think maybe it's not resistance, but rather she also needs an opportunity to connect with you. Lucien: When you talk to her, although her reactions are a bit cold, her body always unconsciously moves closer toward you. Lucien: Rather than resistance, it might be more like "not good at" or "not daring" to communicate with you. My heart tightens. Could it be that the reason why these children from the Night Divisions are so quiet... is because of similar reasons? Children in orphanages are already more prone to feeling lonely than others. A girl who struggles to communicate is even more susceptible to being ignored to some extent.

Emotional neglect can lead to difficulties in emotional regulation, low self-esteem, relationship challenges, and insecure attachment styles, which can all contribute to feelings of loneliness. People who experience emotional neglect can have trouble expressing emotions effectively, leading to isolation and a belief that they don't deserve love or connection.

Even prior to the car accident, Lucien struggled with understanding and expressing his emotions. His time on BS exacerbated this issue. Despite his outward demeanor of indifference, it's clear that he experiences deep loneliness (please read this good analysis about Lucien and his loneliness lol).

Lucien: Some children develop a dependency on specific plush items during their growth process, finding a sense of security in them. Lucien: I think, this scarf might be just that special existence for her.

Besides loneliness, children who experience emotional neglect can develop feelings of insecurity. Emotional neglect involves not receiving the emotional support, validation, and nurturance that are crucial for healthy emotional development. When children do not feel valued, heard, or understood by others, they may internalize these experiences and develop a sense of insecurity about themselves and their relationships. This insecurity can manifest in various ways, such as seeking comfort from special objects like plush toys or blankets. I will come back to this later ;)

Lucien: These children are involved in an experiment to synchronize their minds. Once the experiment succeeds, they will become "puppets" that can be manipulated by others.

The purpose of these experiments was to create puppets that could be manipulated by others. And guess who suddenly found themselves being manipulated by the game?

With one hand gripping the report, the other hanging limply, emitting a chill, his face frozen in shock. MC: What's going on... Could it be? Subconsciously, I recall the myriad of hidden rules in this place. Have we unwittingly violated something again? Is ‘’you can't read the experiment report' also an unwritten rule of the orphanage? But why weren't we teleported out this time? - Lucien: MC. His voice is chillingly cold, carrying an inexplicable danger. I turn my head to see veins bulging on his forehead like ice cracks as if he's struggling to restrain something. Lucien: [sternly] Just... abandon the mission. Before I could ask anything, another icicle pierces straight into the ground beside my foot, sending a chilling sensation through me.

Freaking, Lucien.

From all the coincidences and connections, we can theorize that according to the game, Lucien is the result of the experiments, which enables the game to freely manipulate him. According to the game, Lucien IS part of the night division!

also, can I point out that loss of control has been one of the constant symptoms of his deterioration disease, which means that this accident can be a foreshadowing of a future ‘knife’ where Lucien loses control and accidentally hurts MC-

Luckily, Lucien managed to regain control in the end, ~though this experience undoubtedly added extra trauma for him~. After uncovering the conspiracy, they both chose to expose it. However, Lucien proposed something unexpected.

Lucien: Perhaps what lingers in one's life is more than just the haunting trauma. As he speaks, a hint of snow-colored moonlight seeps into Lucien's eyes, cold yet beautiful. Lucien: It's just that this soil no longer needs to continue preserving it. MC: Are you suggesting… Lucien: Doing what couldn't be done in reality. - Lucien strikes the match, and the flame throbs in his hand, as if a powerful, vivid heart is being put into it. In an instant, the flame shoots up into the sky, illuminating the words "Orphanage" at the entrance, consuming and burning away all the sins. I take a deep breath of the scorching air, witnessing the imminent arrival of this new beginning.

He suggested burning everything. Perhaps it is his emotional catharsis over his past. Burning can symbolize purification and a new beginning, a way to get rid of past sins and start anew. By suggesting this drastic action, he might be seeking closure and a sense of control over the painful events that transpired, although it can only be done in-game:”.

[Deterioration]

The crackling of the flames drowns out my soft shouting. Lucien's figure is half-hidden in the shadows, revealing an indescribable loneliness and desolation.

During our leisurely and carefree stroll, I often catch glimpses of loneliness and coldness in his expression, tinged with sorrow. Soon, he resumes his usual gentle smile, catching up to me as if those moments of cold loneliness were just insignificant illusions.

Throughout the chapter, MC keeps catching glimpses of his loneliness and sorrow. which leads me to ponder: with such a heavy burden of facing his own mortality and failures after failures... has he been carrying it alone for so long?

In this chapter, it’s the first time… we see him actually being so close to death as if there's a death countdown ticking with each breath.

Just like how I cradle his face in the game, my face is being held up by his cold hands. A pair of eyes shining with a cold gleam lock onto my gaze. As we're within a very close distance, Lucien's body emanates a faint chill, as if submerged in seawater, yet his gaze is blazing hot and surging. Lucien: Are you leaving? MC: I'm not leaving, I just want to turn on the light… Lucien: …Don't turn on the light.

Confronted with his own mortality, despite his usual indifference, Lucien’s reaction to the situation is one of vulnerability and desperation. Perhaps, more than death itself, he’s even more afraid to be separated from her. Thus, upon returning to reality, his immediate instinct is to cling to her, preventing her from leaving. All while trying to conceal his vulnerability and condition from her by preventing her from turning on the light.

Lucien: …Just stay here quietly by my side like this. Lucien's tone remains gentle, but his hand firmly grasps mine without any explanation, rendering me unable to move. He looks deeply into my eyes as if seeing something through me. His deep gaze makes my heart tremble, and his tight grip on my hand feels as if he wants to imprison me here forever. I purse my lips and gaze into the depths of his dark eyes, confronting the obscurity and paranoia lurking within.

Remember when Lucien mentioned how some children develop a dependency on specific plush items during their growth process, finding a sense of security in them? This scene perfectly mirrors that concept. In addition to his fear of losing her, he also experiences a lack of security at that moment, seeking solace in her eyes. MC is that special existence for him, someone he has grown dependent on because he finds a sense of security in her; the way he holds and looks at her… almost akin to a devout believer seeking comfort from the divine.

His grasp on my palm feels burning hot, with a slight tremble that's barely perceptible, as if it's desperately restraining something about to burst out. I don't know why he's like this, but I know one thing— he wants me to stay by his side. So I take the initiative to open my arms and embrace him tightly. MC: Alright, I'll stay right here, not going anywhere. So... don't force yourself. I feel his body stiffen, before his arms around me tighten and embrace me harder, as if he wants to meld me into his body, causing a bit of pain.

Oh and don’t get me started about how he *still* tries to restrain himself from completely holding her :"" only allowing himself to seek even more comfort when she's the one who initiates the hug; when she chooses not to leave him ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ .

ALSO, the hug that feels as if he wants to meld her into his body :”” It's been so long since the PG used this description, which shows the DEPTH of his fear of separation; He just wants to meld her into his body so that there's no way they'll get separated.

The last glimmer of twilight fades away, and in the darkness, I hug him tightly for a long time. The breath by our ears and the heartbeat pressed against each other’s chest gradually sync in frequency, becoming our sole yet intimate form of communication. Feeling the breath of the person in my arms has gradually calmed down, I softly ask him. MC: Shall we go turn on the lights together? The person in my embrace remains silent. I hold his hand then gently and slowly stroke his back. MC: I want to see you, Lucien. There's a pause on his breath, and then a faint rustle of our rubbing clothes follows. I'm pulled into a tighter embrace and he moves a few steps. Immediately after, the lights switch on.

Not really analysis I just want to highlight this scene because, GOD this is so bittersweet and intimate ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ༎ຶ‿༎ຶ the way they cling to each other in the dark, comforting each other and communicating only through their heartbeat and breath… how MC gently and softly coaxes him to reveal himself to her and he finally obliges, ugh, my kokoro just :"

Under the cold light of the laboratory, I notice the dark circles under Lucien's eyes, standing out prominently. I let him hold me as my fingertips slowly touched the proof of his fatigue. - Lucien closes his eyes and presses his face against my palm, his brows furrowing unconsciously. I pause, then gently massage his forehead. MC: Does your head hurt a lot? Lucien: It hurts. He doesn't open his eyes, but his brows relax slightly. His hoarse voice seeped into my ears, tinged with a hint of vulnerability. -

His tone becomes calm again, even indifferent as if the person suffering the torture is not himself. I embrace him distressfully, my eyes involuntarily becoming moist. After a long while, I hear his calm voice ringing beside my ear. Lucien: MC, it's from Evol's deterioration. -

Lucien is so adept at feigning normalcy and enduring; enduring pain, enduring collapse, enduring…… deterioration… Now, with even him unable to bear it, just how far has his deterioration progressed?

WHEN I HEARD THIS WORD “疼” (lit. painful) MY HEART JUST BROKE INTO PIECES༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽ . It's just... how awful his condition must be if even Lucien (who's used to freaking pain, who can still laugh even after he slit his own eyes, or get his shoulder blasted) finds it unbearable?

As mentioned in R&S Threshold, Lucien's evol deterioration manifests as cancer. Judging from his symptoms such as headaches, anxiety, and depressive symptoms, it's likely that Lucien has a brain tumor resulting from his evol deterioration. Evol deterioration worsens exponentially due to the overuse of evol, and in the past few chapters, Lucien has repeatedly overused his evol to protect MC, again and again, resulting to his condition now :".

It's only when the lights come on that MC realizes what he's been enduring lately :". The unease that MC felt since the start of the chapter now has an answer. It turns out that Lucien has been spending a lot of time online recently due to the unbearable pain caused by his worsening condition:"". He ‘escapes’ to the game to avoid the pain yet also never gives up on his real life.

Although he needs coaxing, it's also the first time he shows his vulnerability; being clingy solely because he needs her there in that moment.

In a way, this is also proof of his growth. He has truly learned to share his burden with her, realizing that she does care and he no longer needs to bear everything alone. So, when he's not even sure if he'll survive this time, the least he can do is tell her some truth, perhaps easing her into preparing for the worst.

Lucien: For a long time, the drugs developed have shown limited effectiveness in clinical settings. Lucien: Yesterday, the final clinical trial of the last drug also concluded, and the result was a failure. - MC: ...Then why is it going smoothly? Lucien: Because this failure is the most special one. Lucien: The failure of clinical trials proves that both paths we've been pursuing so long are wrong, so we can only find another way. - Lucien: Mm, at that time, the main research direction was to find methods to delay or even reverse deterioration through gene editing and cell manipulation experiments.

More than Lucien facing his circumstances with indifference and sorrow, what I find more heart-wrenching is the very clear emphasis on the passage of time. The research into the deteriorating disease has been ongoing for an extended period, with Lucien's condition progressively deteriorating. Enduring failure after failure, he now embarks on a dangerous journey of researching gene rewriting and cell manipulation, the only path left to solve this deterioration. And...

[Name: Xu Yijian, Cause of Death: Explosion caused by laboratory sample leakage.] [Due to severe damage at the scene, there is currently no evidence of human factors, and it is deemed an accidental incident.]

Lastly, he tells the truth about his condition yet lies about how dangerous this path is. Does he not want MC to investigate his death and involve herself in danger in case the worst happens? ༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽༼;´༎ຶ ۝ ༎ຶ༽

[The path moving forward]

As usual, the chapter posted right after the anniversary chapter tends to mark the beginning of the conflict or the introduction of a major challenge. So, it's safe to assume that we'll face an even more intense knife ahead (a.k.a the angst in this chapter is just beginning-) . Aside from Lucien's subplot of treating evol deterioration, I'm betting that this year's anniversary chapter will involve defeating the enigmatic Infinite or perhaps a hidden boss/evil within Odyssey. If you’ve read so far, thank you for reading this chapter and my rambles~

#the first time Lucien being so clingy and so vulnerable?? AND IT'S PAINFUL #enjoy another 3k words of essay #Lucien being pathologically clingy is kinda cute although it meant to be angst #this chapter is good at making you just feel bad at Lucien lmao #mlqc lucien #mr love queen's choice #mlqc cn #mlqc spoiler #mlqc #mlqc translation #mr. love queen's choice #mr love lucien #mlqc xu mo #mlqc spoilers #looking forward to next pain- i mean chapter update

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