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jmbringitonworld · 1 year

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No-Bunny Compares To You

AO3 link for those who prefer to read fics there

After "Stay" (both versions), I wasn't quite done expressing how much I adore my Horrorswapfell Papyrus, Rabbit, so here's one more attempt to show what a good boy he is. And this time, with help from my first Undertale love, classic Papyrus!

I confess, I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I don't want to stress myself out over what's meant to be a fun hobby, so I'm tossing this out there to be done with it and stop agonising over every little detail. Cute fluff should never stress anyone out!

@a-snowpoff I blame you for the puns. The terrible, terrible puns. Because they came from your ideas. You know the ones.

Pairing: Classic Papyrus x Reader x Horrorswapfell Papyrus (aka Rabbit)

Reader is left as ambiguous as possible

Words: 3,144

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As you push open the front door to the home you share with your two boyfriends, box of baked goods tucked safely under your arm, you’re immediately assailed by the smell of burnt pasta and a very loud and very annoyed voice, yelling in the distance. With a resigned sigh, you make your way to the kitchen, already anticipating the scene you know awaits you.

As expected, when you reach the source of the foul odour and angry yelling, you’re greeted by the, sadly familiar, sight of Papyrus using a fire extinguisher on a large, metal cooking pot on the stove, containing what you can only assume once used to be food of some kind, but is now burnt to a crisp and is steadily emitting thick, black smoke.

Papyrus himself is covered in soot from skull to phalanx, although bizarrely, the ‘kiss the cook’ apron you’d gotten him for his birthday is miraculously spotless. As the skeleton monster is putting out whatever fire he’d evidently started, his loud voice echoes throughout the room in an irritated, chastising tirade.

“-NO SELF-CONTROL! NO RESTRAINT! NO PATIENCE!” He then tosses his skull back to yell over his shoulder, “BUT I WON’T GIVE UP!! I, THE GREAT PAPYRUS, WILL TEACH YOU PROPER CHEF-ING MANNERS!! FOR YOUR (AND MY SPAGHETTI’S) OWN GOOD!! NYEH HEH HEH!!”

You cast your eyes to the object of your boyfriend’s scolding to see your other lover, another version of Papyrus from an alternate universe, whom you’d nicknamed ‘Rabbit’, both for his affectionate, yet gluttonous nature, and for how fluffy his outfit is. Others might question how suitable a nickname it is for such a large and dangerous monster, but you think it’s at least better than the moniker ‘Rabid Beast’ that the other monsters of Rabbit’s original universe had given him.

The other skeleton monster is sitting at a counter a safe distance away from the disaster, completely slumped forward over the smooth surface of the countertop, skull resting on his crossed arms. His face is set in an almighty pout, purple eyelights glaring at nothing, as he sulks like a child who’s been told off for bad behaviour.

Already able to guess what had transpired while you were gone, you can’t help the exasperated sigh you exhale, even as your lips tug up into a fond smile.

Immediately, two eerily similar skulls shoot up in your direction. Rabbit is the first to react, as his entire being brightens at your presence, his face lighting up with excitement. In the blink of an eye, he’s in front of you, sweeping you off your feet and into the air in a powerful hug, purrs beginning to rumble in his rib cage.

You barely have time to process what's happened, before another pair of arms is thrown around the two of you, and Papyrus lifts both you and Rabbit into the air as well, with an exclamation of delight.

The laugh that escapes you is unrestrained and full of joy, even as you find it difficult to breath from within the confines of two strong pairs of arms. It feels good to receive such a warm and enthusiastic welcome from the two people you love most.

“Hi boys, I missed you.” You squirm in their hold as you try to give them both a kiss.

Rabbit’s purrs intensify and he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, squeezing you tighter.

Papyrus lets out a jubilant laugh, accepting your kiss with a wide smile and returning it just as eagerly, before placing you and Rabbit back on the ground, although his arms remain around you.

“WELCOME HOME, BELOVED! WE MISSED YOU TOO!” Then his face falls a little, eye sockets narrowing in frustration and shoulders slumping. “I APPOLOGISE FOR THE SHAMEFUL MESS YOU WITNESSED IN THE KITCHEN. BEING THE THOUGHTFUL AND GENEROUS SKELETON I AM, I WAS TRYING TO TEACH MY LESS COOL SELF HOW TO COOK MY SPECIAL SPAGHETTI SURPRISE.” Crossing his arms, he turns an admonishing glare on Rabbit, who’s too engrossed in your presence to notice. “BUT HE KEPT DEVOURING THE INGREDIENTS WHILE I WASN’T LOOKING! AND WHILE I WAS EXPLAINING TO HIM THE ERROR OF HIS WAYS, THE PASTA CAUGHT FIRE!”

Papyrus stamps his foot angrily, which finally manages to tear Rabbit’s attention away from you. The latter monster quirks an unimpressed browbone at his alternate self and sticks his tongue out at him defiantly. Papyrus lets out an offended “NYEH!”, bristling like an angry cat. You can see him gearing up for another lecture, so you rush to intervene.

With decisive steps, you finally move out of Rabbit’s embrace, ignoring his small whine of protest, and place yourself in between your two boyfriends.

“Boys, boys, you’re both pretty, don’t fight.” You offer them both a bright smile and reach into your pocket for a tissue, which you use to wipe away the last of the soot still lingering on Papyrus’s skull.

Both skeletons are instantly mollified. Rabbit lets out a huff and looks away, his hands drifting to your hips and tugging you closer to him. Papyrus leans down to allow you better access to his skull, all while gracing you with a truly dazzling smile.

“NYEH HEH HEH HEH! WELL NATURALLY, MY LOOKS ARE AS IMPRESSIVE AS THE REST OF ME! AND YOU’RE RIGHT, I SHOULDN’T LET MY MORE... UNFORTUNATE SELF GET UNDER MY SKIN.”

You bite your lip to stifle your laugh at that last comment. Your heart swells with affection for your boys. You’re truly blessed to have them both in your life like this; you don’t know what you’d do without them. Although, there are times where you can’t help but wonder what they would do without you. A quick glance to the pot still continuously emanating dark fumes gives you your answer. Right, you think with a wry smile, burn down our kitchen, that’s what.

Meanwhile, Rabbit has taken notice of the box you’re still carrying and starts sniffing at it, bright violet eyelights glittering with interest. Unable to suppress your smile, you raise the box in front of your boyfriends, noting with relief that it has come out relatively unscathed from the manhandling you’d been subjected to.

“Hey guys, look what I got you!”

Two sets of eye sockets zero in on the item you’re presenting, indicating that you have their full attention. Feeling anticipation bubble in your gut, you open the lid with an excited “ta-da!”.

Inside the box are three golden loaves of bread, each shaped like a puppy, with short, stubby legs, round, twisted bun ears, and a spiral cinnamon tail.

You hold your breath, as the two skeleton monsters take in the sight of your adorable bread puppies, keen interest shining in their faces and awed sounds escaping their throats (along with a gushing "WOWIE!" from Papyrus). Rabbit looks particularly enthralled, his eye sockets wide, eyelights dilated and twinkling like the most brilliant of diamonds. You even spy drool beginning to leak out of the corner of his mouth.

When you’re satisfied that your boys have gotten a good look at your dough dogs, you clear your throat to capture their attention once more. Once you’re sure they’re focused on you, you give them your widest smile.

“These little cuties are called Fi-dough!”

Instantly the mood shifts dramatically. Rabbit’s face lights up, and the look he gives you is so full of awe and adoration, you can feel your cheeks flush and your heart flutter in your chest. Papyrus, on the contrary, rears back, an appalled expression on his skull.

“NOOOO!! BELOVED!! HOW COULD YOU MAKE SUCH A TERRIBLE PUN?!?!?”

Papyrus sounds so disgusted, so betrayed, that you almost feel bad, if his reaction wasn’t so comically excessive. As it is, you can barely restrain yourself from bursting into laughter. Rabbit, however, doesn’t bother to hold back his own snickers. The sound spurs you on to tease Papyrus some more.

“Aw, c’mon Pap, don’t you like them? They’re all pure-bread puppies!”

Papyrus looks, if possible, even more aghast.

“HORRIBLE!! ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE!! I FEEL NOTHING BUT PURE DREAD AT THE HEADACHE YOU’RE GIVING ME!!”

You can’t help the little chuckle that escapes you. The playful smile that’s plastered across your face widens, as mischief sparks in your soul.

“What, you’re not a fan of pup pastry?”

By this point, Rabbit is doubled over with laughter, holding his middle as his entire form shakes. Your heart warms at how loud the sound is, much louder than you're used to hearing from him. He’s still nowhere near as loud as Papyrus, though.

"I’M NOT A FAN OF YOUR DEPLORABLE SENSE OF HUMOUR!”

“But you’re smiling,” you point out, with no small amount of smug satisfaction.

And indeed, Papyrus is smiling, despite the put-upon air he’s affecting.

"I AM AND I HATE IT,” he lies, very unconvincingly. Your own smile softens at this.

“No you don’t. Admit it, you love my jokes.” You lean in close to him and bump his hip lightly with yours.

Papyrus crosses his arms and makes a show of turning his nasal bone up at you, all while his broad grin betrays his true feelings.

“I WILL ADMIT TO NOTHING! I DON’T FIND YOUR JOKES TO BE THE YEAST BIT HUMERUS!!”

That manages to wrench a surprised giggle out of you. Papyrus’s puns always manage to catch you off guard, and you can only stare up at your boyfriend in admiration.

“Pap you’re so cool!”

Papyrus puffs up with pride, as a light blush decorates his cheekbones.

“NYEH HEH HEH! OF COURSE I AM! YOU CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON THE GREAT PAPYRUS TO RISE TO THE OCCASION!!”

As you dissolve into helpless laughter alongside Rabbit, you find yourself agreeing with Papyrus. He never fails to impress you. Despite his boisterous complaining about the pun-inspired food you frequently bring home, you know deep down that it was all for show. Papyrus loves puns just as much as his older brother and Rabbit do. He just refuses to admit it when confronted with that fact; it’s the one thing he still can’t bring himself to be honest about. You suspect it has something to do with his brother frequently practising his stand-up routine on him.

Regardless, never was his appreciation for mixing clever wordplay into cooking more apparent, than the time he’d painstakingly recreated a scene from a Spaghetti Western you’d all watched, entirely out of actual spaghetti. While the taste might have left much to be desired, no one could deny that it was truly a work of art. Even Rabbit had hesitated to eat it. Papyrus had been so proud of his literal Spaghetti Western dish. He’d ridden the high from your exuberant praise for weeks.

A tug at the box of bread pups you carry brings you out of your musings. Rabbit gazes down at you, a plea for the delicious baked goods you hold written all across his face. However, before you can give in to the skeleton monster’s unspoken request, Papyrus intervenes to voice his objections.

“NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU CAN’T EAT NOW! IT’S ALMOST DINNER TIME! YOU’LL RUIN YOUR APPETITE!”

The disbelieving snort Rabbit gives him, coupled with his dismissive eye roll, make it abundantly clear what he thinks of his alternate self’s words. Your own thoughts aren’t much different in that regard. You know all too well that Rabbit’s appetite is insatiable; his stomach (or what passes for one in a skeleton monster) is bottomless, and may as well be a black hole for all the food he can consume.

Nevertheless, you’re unwilling to argue with Papyrus on this matter, knowing how strongly he feels about your family mealtime, so you shoot Rabbit an apologetic glance.

Realising that the odds aren’t in his favour, Rabbit resorts to using his special attack – his pleading stance, which he directs straight at you.

His eye sockets go round and wide, as do his eyelights, which start wobbling, their bright glow illuminating his sad, prominent pout, further accented by his golden fang. His posture, normally slouched, straightens slightly, taking on a pathetic, beseeching air as his shoulders hunch inwards. He brings his hands up in front of him, and they come together, fingers interlaced, in a begging gesture.

His puppy dog look brings to mind his namesake – an adorable, innocent bunny rabbit.

A complete lie, your brain reminds you, there is NOTHING innocent about this guy.

But it’s too late, you feel your resolve crumble in the face of your boyfriend’s imploring facade. The manipulative monster knows exactly how to tug at your heartstrings to get his way. And so, you can only turn your own entreating look on Papyrus.

“C’mon, Paps... Just one won’t hurt! You know how much food Rabbit can eat and not feel full.” When Papyrus still appears unconvinced by your words, you change tack. “Besides, if it’s your cooking, he’ll gobble it all up, no matter how much he’s eaten beforehand. Rabbit loves your cooking!” Not technically a lie – Rabbit loves ALL food, period. He would devour any meal put in front of him with the same boundless enthusiasm, regardless of quality. Or edibility. Rabbit remains quiet, staring at the both of you with a hopeful expression. Papyrus looks to be on the verge of giving in, so you launch one final, well-placed attack. “And I’ll help you in the kitchen! If the both of us work together, then I know there’s no way anyone could resist our culinary combo!”

That does it.

Papyrus fairly explodes with excitement, his whole countenance lighting up and his bones beginning to rattle faintly, as he beams at you.

“YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY, DAPSOLUTELY RIGHT!! WE ARE THE ULTIMATE DREAM TEAM IN OUR CUISINE!! NO MERE PASTRY POOCH CAN MEASURE UP TO OUR COMBINED CULINARY TALENTS!!” He points a finger at Rabbit, almost shoving the digit in the other monster’s face. “EAT AS MUCH AS YOU WANT, MY NOT-AS-GREAT SELF! IF! YOU! DARE! BECAUSE YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO SAY NO TO THE FOOD OF LOVE OUR WONDERFUL DATEMATE AND I WILL COOK UP WITH THE FLAMES OF PASSION!!”

At the mention of flames, you subtly twist your head to see if the pot on the stove is still smoking. It isn’t, thankfully. You vow to yourself to keep a sharp eye out while you and your boyfriend cook, to make sure that your ‘passion’ is the only thing burning in the kitchen from now on.

Rabbit looks downright giddy at being granted permission to eat his snack. However, before he can take one of the buns, Papyrus shoos the both of you out of the kitchen, loudly proclaiming that he needs to clean the place up and make it fit for his and your “cooking date”. You and Rabbit leave Papyrus to his cleaning, and make your way to the living room, where you take a seat next to each other on the couch.

The moment you offer your box to Rabbit, he darts a hand inside and snatches up one of the canine bread loaves. But rather than immediately shoving it into his watering mouth, as one might reasonably expect of him, Rabbit instead takes his phone out and starts snapping pictures of his ‘Fidough’, from various angles.

You’re unsurprised by his actions. Your quieter boyfriend has a habit of taking photos of things he deems precious enough to preserve. This includes you and Papyrus, his own older brother, small flowers growing in inhospitable places, and all the joke foods you bring home. On days when you can tell that he’s being especially haunted by memories of his dark and dismal past in his starving Underground, you catch Rabbit gazing at all the photos he’s saved on his phone or framed around the house. It only encourages you to make more good memories for him to cherish.

Once Rabbit is satisfied with the pictures he’s taken, he puts his phone away and brings the bread dog to his nasal bone. He closes his eye sockets and inhales deeply, seeming to savour the fragrant aroma of freshly baked bread. And then, without warning, he opens his jaws and takes a huge bite, practically ripping the puppy’s head off.

You wince, giving the poor, decapitated pup a pitying glance. The sight is a little bit morbid, but you can’t look away from Rabbit’s blissful expression, as he chews on his snack, making cute, appreciative noises.

Noticing your stare, Rabbit pauses, and then proceeds to tear the dough dog’s tail off. He lifts it up to your lips, clearly intending to feed it to you, and you oblige him by opening your mouth. Rabbit slips the bread chunk in between your parted lips, and you close your mouth. As you chew, gentle sweetness floods your taste buds, the delicate cinnamon flavour making you release a faint moan of pleasure.

Rabbit’s fingers linger on your bottom lip, his thumb gently stroking the flesh. You almost let out another moan, when you feel his sharp claw graze your skin, the motion teetering on suggestive. At the almost predatory glint in your lover’s eyelights, you begin to wonder if Rabbit intends to take this any further.

But the call of tasty food is too enticing for him to resist. With one last heated look in your eyes, a promise of ‘tonight’ in his gaze, Rabbit returns to his baked treat, devouring little ‘Fidough’ with gusto.

Despite his enthusiasm, though, Rabbit still takes care not to get even a single crumb onto the tattered, purple scarf draped around his shoulders. His scarf used to belong to his older brother, before it was given to Rabbit both as a token of brotherly love and as a vow of protection, for the only family that version of Sans had left. The scarf is Rabbit’s greatest treasure, and he always takes great pains to keep it clean and safe. It never fails to warm your heart to know that, in spite of the harsh misery of Rabbit’s life in his Underground, his bond with his brother was his one bright light in that dark world.

As you gaze at Rabbit now, you feel warmth bloom in your chest at the sight of his peaceful, happy smile. You’d do anything to keep that smile on his face. You love your boyfriends, chaotic and demanding though they may be, and want nothing more than to give them the same joy they give you, each and every day.

It’s the work of a lifetime, you know, but one you’re more than willing to undertake. For starters, though, you’ll settle with going back to that bakery where you bought the ‘Fidoughs’, and purchasing the ‘ Croc-ssants’ you saw in the window. You can already picture your lovers’ reactions, and the thought brings an excited grin to your face.

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Fidough is based on the Pokémon of the same name from the Scarlet and Violet games, although the ones here are obviously not alive and are just bread buns. Very cute bread buns.

I'm so sorry for the awful puns. I have no excuse, I just suck at them :(

#JMB writes #undertale fanfiction #papyrus x self insert #papyrus x reader #papyrus x reader x papyrus #papyrus x reader x hsf papyrus #papyrus #papyrus my beloved #horrorswapfell papyrus #rabbit papyrus #this is just pure fluff #food puns #I'm so sorry #(are you proud sans?! look what you've done to me!!)#this is the last time I'm writing in present tense #because I hate it #past tense all the way bby!

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