CATS as reviewed by a furry

Apparently this is a movie review blog now lmao (listen I just have some Opinions™ I feel like writing down lately) You’ve already heard from a hundred sources about the terrible CGI and bad quality of the film overall, so I’m going to focus more on the characters themselves and how they’ve been translated from stage to film. As someone whose been a fan of CATS since childhood AND is active in the furry community, I hope this will be different from the other reviews. (YES THERE ARE SPOILERS)

Let’s just start this off by saying - everyone who keeps comparing this film to “furry porn” clearly is not familiar with furry porn, because the alleged “hornyness” of the actor portrayals is pretty in-line with the stage play. The only reason this movie comes off as so much more sexual is because the bad fur CGI doesn’t keep your brain from knowing these people are all basically nude. The stage play costumes feature fur tufts and limb wraps that work to somewhat hide the human silhouettes, whereas (even with some characters in coats and accessories) everyone’s fur in the movie is so skin-tight they end up being unmistakably human, so every sway and hip-thrust comes off as slightly disturbing in an uncanny way instead of feline and graceful.

Victoria the White Cat Now here’s where I’ll admit to my blatant bias - Victoria has always been my favorite cat (other than Rum Tum). Here’s a bit of trivia for you: Ever wonder why my fursona is a white cat? (Jumpcut to me as an 8 year old wearing a scarf around my waist, pretending to be Victoria). Her role in the play is small but she’s elegant, beautiful, and an incredibly talented dancer, and I always idolized her for that. So, you can imagine I was pretty delighted to find that she plays the role of “main character” in the film. Now in the play, the cats explain to the audience about who and what they are, with Munkustrap (the grey tabby) serving as a kind of narrator/translator and leader. Since you can’t exactly address a stage audience in a movie, Victoria fills that role of the “questioning onlooker”, which I feel fits her character very well considering she’s both a younger/newer cat to the Jellicle scene and she was the first to accept Grizabella, which connects her nicely to the entire story (both in the play and the movie). What I was markedly less jazzed about was the addition of her own song in the movie. I think it was a nice attempt to expand her role, but as an extension to Memories, I found Beautiful Ghosts to be frankly kind of boring and unnecessary. She’s essentially saying to Grizabella “I was just abandoned and I don’t have anything, at least you have good memories to look back on” which to me, came off as belittling to Grizabella with a dash of “poor me” for Victoria. However, the reprise version with Old Deuteronomy I actually ended up liking much more. It is less condescending when two old cats are singing to one another, versus a kitten who has their whole life ahead of them lecturing Grizabella about a past she knows nothing about. One last thing I’ll note about Victoria is her slight re-design in the movie - she’s been given some light striping patterning as opposed to being a pure white cat. This doesn’t bother me at all as I assume when it comes to lighting and rendering, pure white fur would have been too distracting on screen. Jennyanydots / The Gumbie Cat I’ll just come right out and say that this segment was probably the worst translation from the play in the entire movie, and it happens early in the film, so you’re already questioning what the hell the rest of the movie is going to be like. In the play, she’s a slow-paced and motherly type cat that only becomes energetic at night, when she sheds her fur to reveal a vibrant coat and goes to work teaching vermin of the house good manners and skills like crocheting (as opposed to hunting them, like other cats would do). In the movie, she’s flitting about the kitchen like a hyperactive rabbit, rampantly consumes some of the insects she’s painstakingly coached, and whines about wishing to leave her household. If this butchering of her character weren’t enough, they actually included the fur-shedding bit in an incredibly disturbing skin-unzipping sequence where she steps out of her cat skin to reveal a sparkly dress underneath. Characters in the CATS play occasionally do wear some clothing accessories, but this movie does not know the meaning of subtlety, and various characters are wearing fullbody clothes which even further breaks any illusion of these characters being cats. It just constantly wants to remind you that these are human people in unitards jumping around on a greenscreen. Rum Tum Tugger Undoubtedly a fan favorite, Rum Tum is the rockstar cat who swoons all the kittens and makes a general ruckus, with stylistic influences of Mick Jagger and Elvis. To say the least, I thought his part in the movie was fine, but certainly doesn’t quite have the punch to it that the stage play does. The movie has him breaking into a 50′s style diner while milk is liberally poured for all the younger cats. Both his character and that of the Gumbie cat’s are diminished further as she makes fun of his singing and dance moves - which may have been a funny addition, if it weren’t for her alleging his show-offiishness to a recent neutering. This joke just went a little too far in my opinion, and really detracted from the rest of Rum Tum’s performance. Bustopher Jones A very charming and gentlemanly cat, Bustopher’s sequence started well and then just got really weird. His song prominently describes his love of fine dining, his cheerful demeanor, and his well-groomed fur. The last of which was directly contradicted in the movie, as he rolled around in actual garbage making an utter mess of himself. He’s shown gorging himself through the entire segment with increasing fervor, until it’s just a bit too much to bear witness to. At one point, he’s meant to trapeze into a trash can, but the cat who jumps on the other end of the catapult is markedly smaller, and nothing happens. This is actually quite a funny moment, until once again, the joke goes a little too far and Bustopher comments being “sensitive about his weight”. This is just.. a bizarre comment considering he’s sung an entire song about being charmingly large and we’ve just watched him unabashedly stuff his face for five solid minutes. Applying human weight-shaming to the ideals of a cat is just completely unnecessary, awkward, and contradictory to his character. It changes him from an indulgent but experienced chap into something to be pitied. Asparagus / Gus the Theatre Cat Possibly my favorite segment of the movie, this is the only part I actually teared up at. As a child, I always thought Gus was a very boring character with a boring part, but watching as an adult I can understand and appreciate him much better. Sir Ian McKellen did an absolutely phenomenal job of channeling the frail, endearing, proud character of Gus (despite the wonky camera work of the scene). This might be the only part of the movie that matched, or perhaps even exceeded the stage play version, and I don’t think it’s any surprise that it also happens to be the most subdued sequence, relying almost entirely on character acting and line delivery, instead of fancy effects cluttering up the screen (as this musical should be). The end of his storytelling features some “lightning strikes” for emphasis, created by what I imagine would be a simple shadow stencil, and it added some genuine atmosphere to the idea of Gus as a performer with simple stage effects. It was a nice subtle touch, and I only wish the rest of the movie could have been more like that. I found his line condemning “modern productions” to be more poignant than ever before, and it makes you wonder if this movie suddenly became painfully self-aware.  Also I just want to throw this in: Before Gus’s song, there’s an unintentionally hilarious shot of Mr. Mistoffelees walking up on him drinking milk from a dish, except Gus is mostly in shadow with his cat features obscured and is standing fully upright, so he just appears to be a hobo man lapping at a dish, like someone legit just walked up on Ian McKellen being a complete fucking weirdo.  Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer This segment was another one that just didn’t come across quite right. These two are mischievous partners in crime, causing mayhem and stealing treasures. The '98 film version characterizes them as playful and upbeat, delighting in trouble-making, but they don’t seem to be quite experienced or clever enough to get away 100% of the time. The 2019 version came off as almost.. sinister to me. They coerce Victoria into stealing, frame her, and then leave her to what could nearly be her death, all while sort of talking through their lines with a cold inflection. This is supposed to take after the original “languid” London version, but they don’t play off each other very well and you don’t get a sense of the fun, amusing partnership they’re supposed to have. It’s mostly just watching them destroy several rooms of a house and then leaving Victoria to her fate like utter assholes. I don’t really have anything more to say on these two, it was just kind of bland and forgetful and leaves you disliking them instead of enjoying watching them have a fun romp. Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat I would give Skimbleshanks the award for “most baffling redesign”. As mentioned earlier, this movie takes cats-wearing-clothing to an uncanny level, and this is certainly the uncanny-est. While the play version has him in a cute waistcoat and arm warmers with elbow patches to give a “train conductor” vibe, the movie has him in full bright red overalls, with other reviews calling him “gay nightclub Mario”, lmao! As much as I wanted to enjoy this number, the sight of him was just too weird to look past.  The tap dancing during his skit was a fitting addition to his character - he is quite bouncy and light on his feet, so I thought it suited him very well and really liked that part. His song picks up after that, with all the cats dancing on the rail and there’s more weird camera work, at one point zooming out so ridiculously far it’s actually jarring. The rest of his song was okay, a CGI greenscreen that can do anything you want unfortunately just isn’t as creative and inspiring as watching actors build a train engine representation out of junkyard scraps on an actual stage.  Magical Mr. Mistoffelees The movie really took some liberties with this character, and I’m still on the fence about whether it was a good choice or not. In the play, Mistoffelees is a magician cat, performing tricks through his segment (including the most complex dance routine of any character) while other cats usually sing about his feats (in the ‘98 film, it’s Rum Tum). They went for the younger, unsure version of Mistoffelees in this new movie, and doubled up on it by turning him into something of a comedic-relief character. He doesn’t quite have a handle on his magic, and he trips up on his words and his feet several times through the movie. This would have been fine if his musical number hadn’t been such a let down. This is supposed to be his grand moment, but his “magic” ends up being underwhelming and the chorus repeats for SO long you’re practically begging for it to end. Where “Oh! Well, I never! Was there ever a cat so clever as Magical Mr Mistoffelees?” was once a cheerful and upbeat line, it will certainly become a droning echo in your mind after watching this movie. The added plot of his implied attraction to Victoria I also found kind of weird, though I’ll admit that might just be my personal tastes. I always liked Mistoffelees being a more aloof kind of cat.  Grizabella / The Glamour Cat Alright buckle in, I’ve got some strong opinions about this one. Grizabella is undeniably the star of CATS - she’s an incredibly emotional character, visually intriguing, and her performance in the musical is nothing short of heartbreaking. She was referred to as “the Glamour Cat” in her prime, but it has turned into an almost mocking title as the other cats reject and shun her. We never really know why, but it can be implied she may have been cold and elitist to the other cats who once adored her, or had some other tragic and sudden fall from grace. Despite Jennifer Hudson putting in a damn good effort to play the role of this character, the movie itself let her down. The CATS play and the Jellicle ball which it centers around, while being a musical, is foremost a ball in which cats perform for the honor of being chosen. The dancing is just as important as the singing, and Grizabella’s character is heavily communicated by her posture. She’s hunched, stiff and limping, reaching out for others to accept her, and at one point even attempts to mimic some of the other cat’s dance moves before slinking away in shame. The 2019 movie paradoxically chooses to use extremely tight face-shots for just about every character routine. It is frustrating and claustrophobic to watch a movie where cats who are supposed to be expressing their character through movement are shown from only the shoulders up, just standing there singing into a camera - and this frustration is paramount at the Grizabella sequences.  Jennifer Hudson, singing her absolute heart out with tears pouring down her face, is still emotionally lacking because of the terrible cinematography refusing to show her doing any actual acting. I was so distracted by the mucus running down her face that I couldn’t even connect with her. I thought the costuming of Grizabella was very well done, but you barely got to see any of it. Overall a very disappointing performance, because Hudson was doing all the right things, and it could have been great if the movie had met her even halfway. Macavity the Mystery Cat Played by the incredible Idris Elba, Macavity underwent some heavy changes and expansion in this new movie. He’s the main antagonist of the play, and most of his antics like committing serious crimes and alluding the police are sung about as rumors but doesn’t himself sing, and actually doesn’t have any speaking lines in the play, adding to his mysterious character. When he eventually appears, he battles with Munkustrap and steals Deuteronomy (who is brought back by Mistoffelees). Macavity is usually depicted with vibrant clashing colors, wild hair, and uses quick threatening movements, while the Idris Elba version rein-visioned him as extremely sleek, black-furred, and sly and cunning, often emerging from the shadows to tempt other cats with their vices. He is given numerous speaking lines, and his villainy is expanded on as he kidnaps the other cats in an attempt to be the chosen Jellicle. I actually quite like this interpretation of the character, and it makes him a little more relatable instead of the vicious enigma he is in the play.  Something of note is just how literally the new movie took the rumors of Macavity’s powers. His abilities, which were muted and used sparingly in the play, were used constantly and without hesitation in this movie. He spends most of his time teleporting other characters and creating illusions, but then uses trickery to try and win the Jellicle ball, and fails to demonstrate his power of levitation when it really matters. So whether he does or doesn’t have real powers seems to be.. situational to say the least. Another thing I want to point out is just how uncomfortably sudden Macavity’s reveal is. He spends most of the movie in the shadows hidden under an oversized coat and hat, and then suddenly appears at the Jellicle ball without any disguise on whatsoever. Idris Elba is a damn fine looking dude, and you can clearly see his very human-shaped abs beneath his sleek Macavity fur, which is so close to his actual skintone that I’ve seen him described as “extra naked” and it’s pretty accurate. You just really aren’t prepared for this moment when it happens. Growltiger This guy is a rough and rowdy pirate-esque character with a dramatic love life. His segment was cut from the ‘98 film, so seeing the play in person is just about the only way to experience it. Because of this, it’s probable that many people may not even be aware of this character, so I was pretty excited to hear that he would be featured in the 2019 movie. Growltiger is quite overdue for his time in the mainstream spotlight. Turns out, unfortunately, Growltiger's Last Stand is not what you get. His appearance in the movie is more or less a cameo with a short introduction, and the rest of the time he’s serving as Macavity‘s henchman in the background. This is based on the 2015 revival of him as a dock worker, but I feel it was a weak representation of his character, and really wish he’d been shown in a better light. The movie cuts out pretty much every fight scene, and Growltiger‘s would have been dramatic and fun to watch, especially after Gus’s reminiscing. Instead, he was kind of lazily thrown into a river by Gus, who previously bragged about playing the role of Growltiger on stage, which is kind of an interesting juxtaposition if you don’t think about it too hard. Old Deuteronomy A surprising change was the decision to make Deuteronomy female, played by Judi Dench. I love old grandpa Deuteronomy, but this didn’t really bother me. Deuteronomy is a wise, beloved leader of the Jellicles and there’s not really anything integral about the character that says they couldn’t be female. Deuteronomy carries himself with dignity, but isn’t afraid to dance along with the songs of the other more lively cats, and Judi Dench certainly has an air of authority and respect about her. The character’s songs are reflective and thought-provoking, but once again, the 2019 movie fails to make any of these sequences actually entertaining. The absolute worst part of the entire movie comes at the very end, when Deuteronomy makes horrific, unblinking eye contact with the camera, and slowly talks her way through the Ad-Dressing of Cats. This is absolutely bewildering considering how the movie deliberately sets up Victoria as a main character in place of the audience, only to completely chuck that out the window of a moving car just to break the 4th wall in the most uncomfortable way possible and directly address the audience anyway. What is even the point? I can’t imagine there’s a single person that would watch that and be okay with it. The Ad-Dressing of Cats is supposed to be a cute, fun little recap of everything the cats supposedly taught you, but this movie made it feel like a lecturing stare-down. Other notes The Awefull Battle of the Pekes and the Pollicles was cut entirely from the movie, which is fine because it isn’t integral to the story or anything, considering it was also cut from the stage play when I saw it live. I kind of shudder to think of how The Great Rumpus Cat would have been interpreted in this movie, so I think we were all probably spared some indignities.  While this movie was watchable and certainly an interesting take on the play, it creatively added very little and only succeeded in making me desperately want to go watch the ‘98 musical. I thought at least this movie would be a fun soundtrack to view, but many of the songs just didn’t have the punchiness, joy, charm, or energy that I’m used to. There were parts of it that I liked enough to say this isn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but that’s not exactly a glowing review. From the perspective of a theatre fan and a furry: If I want to see CATS, I’m most certainly going to choose the filmed musical over this new movie any day.  I’m infinitely more charmed by the graceful 80′s style dancers of the play than I am by the uncanny valley, painfully human cat-people of the new movie (and honestly I haven’t seen a single piece of fanart for it, so that really tells you all you need to know).

Sunshine Days.

Summary:  (Teenage AU.) During the peak of summer, Cream the Rabbit and Marine the Raccoon go on a date to the local fair- filled with games, food, rides and more. Simple and cute fluff!

Rating: General audience.

Warnings: Nothing!

Characters: Cream the Rabbit and Marine the Raccoon.

Tags: Fluff, romantic fluff, fluff and humor, teenage AU, fair.

Ao3 link: Right here!

Every few moments, the line moved up a few steps, slow and steady. Those in front quickly removed their purses and backpacks, workers swiftly going through each before moving them ahead. After tickets were scanned, only then were they allowed into the fairgrounds. Despite the decent pace, the wait was still rather annoying, especially for the two teenaged girls. They were at the very back of the line, far away from the comforting shade of the trees or the checking booth; the afternoon sun beating down on them.

Cream the Rabbit smiled still, polite and patient as ever, though fanned herself slightly with her hands. She dressed lightly, in a frilly ombre tank top, that began a bright yellow and slowly morphed into a dark shade of orange at the end. She wore white shorts, pairing them with orange heeled sandals. Her sandals had cute white flower decals near the front. She carried a small white backpack on her shoulders, that had a pattern of pastel rainbow ice cream cones on it.

Marine the Raccoon dressed lightly herself, though somewhat more simply. She wore a baggy navy-blue tank top, with large white horizontal stripes as it’s pattern. She wore shorts, black with ripped up holes and completed the look with a pair of beat up blue and white sneakers. Marine, on the other hand, was simply stretching her arms out in the sunlight without a complaint.

“Ah, the summer sun is so beautiful, ain’t it?”

“It is! Though, I can’t wait to enjoy some nice, cool water when we get in…”

“’Course! …Wimp.”

Cream rolled her eyes. “You’re biased.” Marine got close to her face, grinning.

“Now, why’s that?”

Poorly mimicking her accent, Cream replied, “Oi dunno, why don’t you tell me, mate?” Marine let out a bark of laughter, that had the rabbit giggling in reply.

Soon, the two finally reached the checking station. Cream handed over her backpack, the worker quickly inspecting her bag, then returned it to her. Marine got the tickets scanned and soon, hand-in-hand, the two finally entered the fairgrounds.

Cream let out a delighted gasp, with the very front already rather impressive. All around her were various food stands and trucks, selling all sorts of indulgent sweets and delicious meals, with two large buildings to the left and right. The left advertised a petting zoo of a diverse range of animals, both mobian and Earth creatures, while the right advertised an art exhibit featuring local artists. If they were to keep forward, if the faint noise of cheers and screams were any giveaway, they would find the famed rides.

Cream squealed, shaking Marine’s hand, her eyes going everywhere, trying to decide where they should head first. Marine blushed, charmed by Cream’s adorable and infectious enthusiasm.

Marine leaned forward, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. “We got all day, sugar! How ‘bout we start off with gettin’ you some of that water?”

“That would be lovely.”

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The afternoon dragged on slowly, the two girls milking every moment of it, as they set off across the whole park. Marine absolutely had to give the rides a go, starting with her absolute favorite— the pirate ship! She cheered and hollered, while nearly everyone else screamed as the ship rocketed back and forth, nearly touching the sky at its full height. Cream joined in with Marine, though quietly giggling and occasionally letting out a delighted shriek as her stomach dropped low.

Next, the two battled at the bumper cars, getting aggressively jostled around and targeting each other mercilessly. Cream had them ride one of the faster roller coasters, having her arms fully in the air and enjoyed the cool breeze against her fur. Marine tried out the superhero drop, screamed her head off, then insisted they took a break for food.

Cream always tried to keep a good, balanced diet, though decided to make today a cheat day. So, she promptly got herself fried Oreos, a chocolate dipped cheesecake on a stick, a bowl of macaroni cheese mixed with barbequed meat and a giant pile of chili cheese fries to share with Marine. Marine really didn’t know where all that food went inside such a petite rabbit, but didn’t question it; chowing down just as badly as her girlfriend.

To walk off the feast, Cream quickly pulled Marine to the petting zoo. Of course, Cream quickly found the chao section, where they all quickly flocked to her. She particularly paid closest attention to the lone Dark Chao, who seemed to be a huge lap pet. Though, they didn’t ignore the other animals, giving plenty of love to all of the diverse creatures.

Though, there was a moment to pause as Cream found one of the Earth rabbits, who seemed to stare back as well. They moved away to a nearby sheep, as not to make things awkward. After Cream gave the chaos a final pet, Marine headed the way to the art exhibit.

The art gallery was diverse. It had seemed local students, from second grade to senior year, had turned in their art, featured alongside more experienced and professional artists. Cream enjoyed the flower art, Marine enjoyed the portraits and the two shared quiet jokes whenever some sort of anime character appeared suddenly. The two wandered for a bit, Cream admiring the fine pottery, Marine loudly admiring the inexplicable sword display; before rejoining near the photography.

They left, returning back to the rides. Until sunset, the two enjoyed themselves. From the spinning rides, the rides that sent them into the air, to the rollercoasters and the cheesy haunted mansion ride; they wasted no time in going everywhere.

(There was a break, though, when Marine had to take a minute after a particularly fast ride; to ensure she wouldn’t vomit a fried mess all over Cream and innocent visitors.)

As purple overtook the heavy orange of the sky, dusk slowly bringing in the night chill and stars—they finally reached the most important part of the fair.

Winning each other every stuffed animal they wanted.

While Cream certainly adored them with her life, Marine had a huge soft spot for them, especially towards all of the plush sea life. So, when Marine’s eyes sparkled at the sight of a goofy, purple octopus, Cream got herself some baseballs and was ready to knock down some bottles.

From years of traveling, adventuring and fighting alongside Sonic and her friends; Cream had required several physical talents and skills, so throwing an accurate baseball was one of them. Not even the harsh rules of the slightly rigged games got in her way, as all three were knocked down in one hit. Marine hugged her octopus tightly, then hugged Cream even tighter.

Marine was a good shot at the seemingly impossible ring toss game, winning Cream a soft pink bear that had little blue ribbons around the ears. Cream kissed Marine until she flushed a bright pink, her small tail wagging at full speed. They winded up with quite the collection – a red star fish, an angel chao, a little bean-filled crab, a lamb, a rainbow shark, a bug-eyed unicorn and a wonky little whale—before they finally felt they were satisfied with the games.

While the two did enjoy a long ride on the Ferris Wheel, kissing gently and admiring the view, it wasn’t the romantic peak of their date. The fair was finally coming to an end, grabbed themselves a final small vanilla ice cream cone to share and walked to the parking lot.

It was when, despite all their snacking, the two headed to a local burger joint for a quick meal. To Cream’s surprise, Marine insisted they didn’t eat at the place, suddenly inspired. She insisted that she would love it, so Cream trusted her word and carried their bag.

They went back into the car, where Marine took an unfamiliar route on the road, quickly leaving the busy streets for the more quiet, isolated roads. Cream changed the station, a familiar pop tune on the radio.

“Ain’t this Amy’s theme?” Marine asked, well aware it was the song Amy always insisted on singing on karaoke night, blasted in her car and hummed constantly to herself.

“It’s fitting, though! Because…” Cream paused, then cutely winked. “Sweet, sweet, you’re so sweet!”

“UGH, don’t sing it! It’s gonna be stuck in my head the rest of the day!”

“Hmm… alright, I’ll sing something else!”

“How ‘bout something I like, y’know? Like that cool remix that’s like,” she took a moment to put on a deeper voice. “Too Black. Too Strong,” she broke the voice, “And like, it gets this cool chorus and then it goes all,” she hushed her voice, “Wrapped in Black!” Marine happily shrieked. “It’s such a good song!

”Well, I don’t know how I can sing a remix like that, since it’s mostly an instrumental…”

“Ah, useless! What do I keep you for?” Marine joked; unaware Cream had a snarky grin on her face.

“Well then, if that’s what you say… what’s that one song that Silver really likes… ‘cuz every night-

“I’m gonna turn this car around and personally crash it into your mother’s home.” Marine said bluntly.

“…CAUSE EVERY NIGHT! I WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE!”

“NOOOOOO!”

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The romantic peak started as Marine finally stopped the car onto the dirt path, right by a field of grass. Marine opened up her trunk, grabbed a huge blanket and laid it on the trunk of the car, patting it. Cream understood the motion, climbing up the car and laid right next to her. There, they finally unwrapped their burgers and together, ate looking up the stars.

The night sky was gorgeous. It was such a deep, yet vibrant blue, with thousands of sparkling stars in the clear, cloudless sky. The wind was cool, yet not chilling. Cream could feel Marine’s warmth, her soft fur against hers. The moment was quiet, though distant bugs chirped.

After finishing their food, they stayed together, side by side for a long time. Their hands slowly interlocked, Cream resting her head on Marine’s chest, listening to the comforting rhythm of her heart as she gazed upon the cosmos.

“…Marine,” she whispered, though it felt as though she shouted in such calmness.

“Yeah?” she replied, a moment after.

“…Do you think, you and I… can have moments like this forever? Because…” Cream’s gaze flickered to Marine, who locked eyes with her and smiled warmly. “…I want them to. I always want to have these moments with you… and you alone.”

Marine kissed the top of Cream’s head. “We’ll have them forever. Even when we get old and turn into dust, I’m gonna make sure our dust flies to the stars, so we can dance together with them.”

“I love you.”

“I love ya to, sugar.”

The two sighed, content.

Is Mortimer Beckett and The Book of Gold Really That Bad?

(Full disclosure: this post contains mild spoilers for discussion’s sake.)

So I am a big fan of the Delicious series and the many spin-offs that have launched from its universe, now formally known as GameHouse Original Stories.  Yes, they sometimes seem like they’re hyper-marketed at that Hallmark Channel crowd, but they are the cream of the crop of modern casual games, I promise.  That said, not every game that comes out of GameHouse Studios is a masterpiece.  But just because it’s not a masterpiece doesn’t mean there isn’t good to be found or fun to be had.

Enter Mortimer Beckett and The Book of Gold, released in 2017.  For those unaware, Mortimer Beckett was not originally a GameHouse IP, instead starring in his own series of hidden object games developed by Paprikari from 2007 to 2012.  I played the first in the series, Secrets of Spooky Manor, and dabbled with others, but I am by no means an aficionado on Mortimer Beckett lore.  Actually, I’m not big into the hidden object genre period.  I can tell you, though, that this game feels very different to the traditional Mortimer Beckett series.  Paprikari still worked as the developer for Book of Gold, but the overall style and flavor is extremely influenced by GameHouse.

I can only assume GameHouse acquired permission to use Mortimer’s character around the same time they acquired Sally from GamesCafe’s Sally’s Salon series.  These were two fairly well-known faces in casual gaming for many years, and for those characters to suddenly be picked up by a new company and breathed new life was a strange move to witness.

Not to say it was a bad one.  I was an am a dedicated Sally fan and Sally’s Salon - Beauty Secrets blew my expectations out of the water.

Book of Gold on the other hand...well, that’s why we’re here.

Before I even played the game, the first things I noticed were the consistently negative ratings it received across distributing websites.  Now all things considered, I wasn’t expecting perfection, but these scores were abysmally low.  I thought, “it can’t be as bad as that, right?”

And after playing through the whole thing in one night, I will proudly go on record to say that this game does not deserve these low ratings.

Buuut it’s not perfect, either.

So let’s talk.

First, the elephant in the room - the gameplay itself.  As previously stated, Mortimer Beckett is a hidden object series.  GameHouse is best known for their time management games that occasionally have hidden object mini games sprinkled through the levels.  Mini games and main gameplay mechanics are two very different things, mind you.

That said, I think the translation of the gameplay went very well.  Better than I was expecting, at least.  You’re given a scene in which you must find pieces of different objects that will help you in your current situation.  Then, once those pieces are put together, you can use those objects in the scene to complete small puzzles.  Even with my limited hidden object experience, I can tell that this style of finding pieces of things is quite unique.  

In fact, this was my biggest complaint back in Secrets of Spooky Manor: the pieces that some objects broke into seemed arbitrary and unnatural, making it harder to find what I was looking for.  In Book of Gold, the objects are broken up where they naturally have different “sections” (for example, if you’re looking for a screwdriver, it would be in two separate pieces: the handle and the bit) and gameplay is smoother as a result.

There are also three different kinds of challenge levels throughout the game in which you have to complete certain tasks within a time limit.  These provide a nice sprinkle of adrenaline rush as the main levels have no time limit and you’re welcome to stare at and contemplate them as long as you wish.  So all in all, the gameplay is pretty solid.

Let’s discuss the plot.  Mortimer Beckett moves to Snuggford after inheriting a museum from his Uncle Jerome (a staple character of the series until now, I understand).  In his last letter, Uncle Jerome mentions something called the Book of Gold which apparently possesses mystical qualities, and warns Mortimer to keep it safe.

Even as someone with very little preexisting attachment to this character, I found Mortimer very charming and enjoyable, in that “I don’t really know what I’m doing but I’m going to make the best of it anyway, and probably embarrass myself in the process” kind of way.  It was also refreshing simply to play as a guy, as GameHouse Original Stories pretty much exclusively feature women protagonists.

Speaking of which, while this is happening, Kate O’Malley (Delicious Emily’s sister-in-law) is having something of a life crisis and desperately looking for some kind of adventure to get her out of her “boring” hometown.

This is good for two reasons.  One: Kate is a character seen very little of in the Delicious series.  Other than she’s Patrick’s sister and she used to work as a perfume salesgirl, we didn’t know much about her until Book of Gold.  The writers really gave her some agency this time around, where previously she felt kind of cardboard.  And two: Snuggford is often viewed as a very idyllic small town with emphasis on supporting local businesses and fostering community with others.  It’s oddly refreshing to see a protagonist character have a negative view of this place.

Anyway, the two run into each other, shenanigans ensue, and an adventure does indeed begin.

Now if GameHouse is known for anything besides time management gameplay, it’s their heterosexual romantic subplots.  And as much as I was hoping for a platonic partnership this time around, I have to say I ended up liking Kate and Mortimer more than I expected.  It is a bit tropey and shoved down your throat at times, but I think their personalities play off each other quite nicely - Mortimer the somewhat bumbling scholar and Kate the confident risk-taker.  In the end I was genuinely rooting for them.

The story itself as a whole is...fine.  Not amazing, not terrible, but fine.  It has good intentions but, as I said, falls into tropes and shenanigans rather than raising the stakes.  And when the stakes are raised, it fails to explain why and generally lacks urgency.

The best parts of the story in my opinion are the more character-driven scenes.  Stemming from Kate’s desire for adventure, there is an underlying emotional theme about whether or not you’re satisfied with your life and where you are in it.  I think this is handled better than the immediate plot, but could still use some tweaks.  Overall, the writing has the same wonkiness I would expect from any story that hasn’t truly found its groove yet, but it does enough to keep you intrigued.

I absolutely cannot knock GameHouse for trying to do something new, especially in this cash cow of a universe they’ve built for themselves.  They’ve been using basically the same formula for the past ten years or so, and it makes sense that they would want to branch out into other things while still attracting their core audience.

Unfortunately, this game has some very apparent growing pains.

My biggest issue without a doubt is the art.  It’s inconsistent, there’s no other word for it.  Some sprites are completely 2-D, others are completely rendered in 3-D.  Sometimes it’s 2.5-D.  Sometimes it’s 2-D heads stitched onto 3-D bodies.  Some characters look very disproportionate when standing next to others.  Not to mention a lot of reused assets from other games.  I can’t show it for spoiler reasons, but there is a scene near the very end of the game where the character cutting-and-pasting is so painfully obvious and so sloppily done that I almost had to close my computer and take a lap around the house to compose myself.

Also, this game has far less music than I expected.  Despite a swingin’ noir-style theme song written by Adam Gubman, most cutscenes carry out with only generic background white noise for company.  And let me tell you, when a dramatic scene is going down and the only thing you can hear is the muffled voice of an airport intercom?  It feels wrong.  And also lends to that lack of urgency I mentioned earlier.

And as much as I hate to, we have to talk about the “exotic” themes.

For the most part, I would describe GameHouse as having “lukewarm sensitivity” to cultures that are not North American or European.  They have good intentions and for the most part their characters are pretty well rounded, but their research still leaves a little bit to be desired.  I think the Inuit tribe from Delicious - Emily’s Hopes and Fears is the best example of what I’m talking about.

However, I would not put Book of Gold in that same sensitivity tier.  During the third chapter, Mortimer and Kate travel to South America (it’s never specifically stated but since Machu Picchu is clearly visible in one of the scenes, it’s pretty safe to say they’re in Peru) and end up getting lost in the jungle.  Kate is more or less kidnapped by a group of natives, whose leader speaks what can only be described as “cave man English” and invites her to join his harem.  When she refuses, he threatens to kill her if she doesn’t complete the puzzles set before her.  Then, when Kate manages to escape, the tribe leader leans over to one of his guards and says, “Those tourists are so gullible,” indicated that it was all an act.  I still have no idea what to think about this entire section.

There’s also a great deal of Arabian influence in the second half of the game, as the main villain claims to be a sheikh, but I would say that it’s more there for visual interest than anything else.  The side characters you meet in this arc aren’t particularly memorable, and aside from avoiding a sandstorm and racing camels at one point, the desert setting is just kind of...there.  It’s not as bad as it could have been, but it certainly wasn’t doing the game as a whole many favors, either.

To wrap this up with a bow, if you disliked this game simply because it was different and not the “signature GameHouse experience” you’ve come to expect, I feel sorry for you.  If you disliked this game because it doesn’t feel as polished as it could have been and the graphics are a bit of a train wreck?  Yeah, I get you.  But I still found this game enjoyable despite its flaws.  And if you’ve been avoiding this game because the bad ratings scared you off, pull on your big girl panties and manage your expectations.

I really hope that GameHouse sees Book of Gold as a learning experience and not a failure, because I think there’s some genuine potential here.  With some tweaks and polish (and clearer art direction), I would happily accept another game like this.

2019 BMW i8 Roadster First Drive: Back to the Future

I never bothered to figure out exactly what it was, but I recognized it immediately. Growing up in a farming community, I have the smell of an orchard on the first hot day of spring burned into my memory. Frankly, I’d rather it wasn’t, as I’m pretty sure it’s rotting fruit. As I rolled roofless through Majorca’s back country in near silence, the unpleasant scent flooded the little cockpit of the new BMW i8 Roadster, accompanied by a torrent of memories.

As a lifelong sci-fi enthusiast, I’ve always been fascinated by the ability of a scent to transport you back in time. Given the option, I’d still prefer a DeLorean with a Mr. Fusion, which can be directed to the exact date and time I’d like to visit or revisit, but until then, the i8 Roadster in good weather is a decent stand-in.

There are more than a few similarities. Both are wedge-shaped exotics with mid-mounted gasoline engines. Each sports a pair of signature top-hinged doors giving way to seating for two. Just as the DeLorean gained more features and got greener as the sequels progressed—going so far as to switch from dirty plutonium fuel to literally recycled garbage—so too has this updated i8 improved. It may not fly yet, but it flies down a country road better than ever.

To get there, BMW did more than cut the roof off (though that’s literally how the first prototype was made). Improvements in battery technology over the past few years have led to a larger battery with more powerful cells, giving both the Roadster and Coupe more power and greater EV range and hybrid fuel economy. Battery capacity jumps from 7.1 kilowatt-hours to 11.6 kW-hr, extending range from 20 miles to 33 per BMW’s testing on the generous New European Driving Cycle standard. (For context, the EPA rated the 2017 i8 for up to 15 miles of all-electric range.) All-electric driving now has a top speed of 65 mph in Drive (up from 43 mph) and 75 mph in eDrive mode.

With the extra available power, the electric motor at the front axle generates an extra 12 hp for a total of 143; torque holds at 184 lb-ft. At the rear, the turbocharged inline-three has found an extra 3 hp and no extra torque, but a particulate filter cuts exhaust emissions. The 8-hp electric motor/generator connected by belt to the gasoline engine is unchanged. Total system output climbs to 374 hp from 357. BMW wildly underestimates 0–60 mph at 4.6 seconds. The pre-refresh i8 Coupe we tested did it in 3.8 seconds with less power and only 130 fewer pounds to pull.

The updated Coupe model gets the same enhancements.

You won’t notice the extra 17 hp from the driver’s seat, but you will notice how little the gasoline engine is pressed into service. The old model’s lower battery output and EV top speed meant you’d regularly hear the little I-3 kick on to provide extra acceleration and higher speeds. Now, you’ll be surprised at how rarely it intrudes. The i8 isn’t just quiet cruising through town. It’s quiet on the freeway and even on a back road if you’re stuck behind a tourist’s rental car. The always-peaked torque is more than enough to zip you around in most situations with a perfectly linear whoosh of power.

The most impressive aspect of the i8 continues to be how it blends power when the gasoline engine fires up. You hear it rather than feel it, as despite the two powertrains not being mechanically connected, they work in perfect harmony, and you mostly hear it because BMW employs electronic sound enhancers in the cabin to boost the pleasant growl from the intake. Once engaged, the gasoline engine doesn’t change the character of the car. It simply makes it quicker. It’s not eye-bulging supercar power, just an appropriate amount for the chassis and tires. It’s every bit as quick as it needs to be, so you can use all of it whenever the mood strikes.

Just as you don’t feel the gas engine integrate into the power delivery, you don’t feel either the front two-speed or rear six-speed automatic change gears. Only by coming off the throttle and going quickly back on in the middle of a shift did I get a stiff-legged response from the rear transmission, and only once.

The sum of the parts is a car as suited for shooting down the freeway as it is whipping down Majorca’s unreasonably narrow mountain roads. Like a pure EV, instant power is always at hand for passing. Slotted into Sport, the gas engine becomes a full-time employee and runs up and down the revs with an angry little snarl to complete the sports car experience.

A wide track and low center of gravity, the latter afforded by the batteries between the seats, gives the car a confident demeanor. The steering is quick and light, affording you great precision in a corner. It doesn’t talk much, likely due to the power being sent to the front wheels. The car is stiffly sprung, as its look would suggest, and combined with the width and shortness of it, it feels like it would be impossible to get a wheel off the ground while cornering no matter how hard you tried. The seats aren’t bolstered particularly heavily, but the car corners so flat and the cockpit is so snug that you don’t really need them to be.

The brakes have a whiff of that familiar hybrid wonkiness to them as they transition from regenerative to mechanical, and having just wrapped-up a year behind the wheel of a Chevrolet Bolt EV, I have two thoughts on the matter. First, the feel of the BMW’s pedal is vastly superior, as you would hope of a car multiple times the price. It still feels artificial, but it’s closer to the feel of a purely mechanical system than anything else on the market. Second, I long for more control of the regenerative braking. The i8 does everything for you in that regard, and I prefer the Bolt’s ability to drive with just the throttle pedal and fine-tune regenerative braking both with driving mode and a steering wheel–mounted paddle.

The real limitation of the handling and braking components, though, remains the tires. BMW has done a commendable job of balancing handling performance and low-friction efficiency in its tire choice, but it remains a difficult compromise. Most of the time, you won’t notice it. On the day you really want to drive it like a sports car, though, you’ll need to be cognizant of the tires, brake a little earlier, and brake in a straight line. Trail braking invites understeer. The tires have a lot of grip in them, but you can and will ask too much of them if you drive it like an M4.

You’ll also want to make liberal use of the DSC Sport function. In its default mode, the traction and stability control system is conservative and won’t give you much if any power when the steering wheel isn’t centered. If you want to leave corners aggressively, you need to switch it to Sport. You’re left with plenty of don’t-bin-it safety net but are allowed to get on the throttle with some gusto exiting a corner, enough to make the inside rear wheel slip a bit.

When the red mist isn’t clouding your mind, you’ll find driving quickly in an i8 a special experience. Roof open to let the sun and smells in and gas engine off to hear the world, you feel more connected to the scenery blurring by the windows. It’s not just a drive in the hills. It’s a drive with the hills.

Getting the roof down requires slowing to under 31 mph for all of 15 seconds (with the same time and speed requirements to put it back up). The switch is hidden under the center armrest, and the control for the roll-down rear window is next to the rearview mirror. By default, the rear window stops with an inch still exposed to act as a wind blocker, and it does a pretty good job of it. You can set it wherever you want, roof up or down. BMW has also added self-adjusting louvers to the hood vent to prevent hot air tumbling into the cabin when the roof’s open.

The targa-like section of roof that comes off stores vertically where the vestigial rear seats would be in a Coupe, taking up as little space as possible and leaving you with a storage slot behind the seats. Running the width of the interior, it’s big enough to slide in a few items such as backpacks, briefcases, duffel bags, and maybe a small carry-on or two. Be glad for it, because the trunk is big enough for maybe two backpacks, and there is no frunk.

As you might imagine, getting luggage behind the seats is easier with the top open, and so is getting in and out of the car. Given the i8’s monocoque design, the sills are wide and must be climbed over as gracefully as possible. Complicating matters slightly is the long windshield, which places the header nearly over your head if you have short legs and sit close to the dash. It makes an already cozy cockpit feel even tighter.

You’ll also have to look around the massive carbon-fiber A-pillars, especially when attacking a particularly sharp corner. Per BMW, they’re no thicker than those on the Coupe, which is not only an impressive engineering achievement given the butterfly doors now hinge off them but also cold comfort from behind the wheel.

This is the story of the i8 Roadster in a nutshell. It’s a collection of small compromises and eccentricities you’re happy to make for a car that, as a reader once told me, “looks like the future.” Said eccentricities are, like the rest of the car, more polished this time around, and the whole vehicle has a feeling of being 20 percent better than the last iteration.

Usually when we make excuses for a car’s impracticality and idiosyncrasies, it’s for some charming but flawed British or Italian thing, but this German, with its unmistakable future-now looks and wholly unique and involving driving experience, has earned a place in the hall of cars I recommend for people who care more about the journey than the destination. Especially the ones who have $165,000 to spend, a love of technology and/or the environment, and a desire to stand out in the supercar crowd. All 10 of them.

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