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mothmansfriend · 4 years

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when i’m happy oh god i’m happy

TW: alcohol abuse, non-graphic sexual content, unhealthy coping mechanisms, self harm (in many forms), drug use, couchsurfing, mentions of delusions and paranoia, otherwise reckless behaviour

Note: this takes place in @illogicallyinclined’s hockey au and is a Prequel this is supposed to represent what Remus’s manic episodes look like everyone is different, but im using a mix of my own experiences with bipolar i and some friends who were willing to talk about theirs, then changing it to fit Remus’s existing Absolutely Feral personality, Jared and Payton are OC’s and teammates of Remus, the three of them are known for wrecking havoc at all times because none of them possess a braincell.

The art studio was empty, filled only by the assorted music of Remus’s sculpting playlist on the bluetooth speaker he brought in, and Remus himself. His hands glide through the wet clay and he basks in the slimy feeling between his fingers. Remus’s hair is held back by a small headband and he is wearing a tank top and jogging pants already covered in various mediums he has used through the day. He does not know where the energy to finish every project for this semester came from but he isn’t about to object.

If you were to look around this studio, there is a high contrast painting of a tentacle creature that is unsettling in an almost unidentifiable way, half of a self-portrait which uses resin teeth as the main element, as well as his current project of a large cup shaped like a decapitated head. In short, while Remus believes these are his best pieces, the chances of the university permitting them to be displayed are very low.

Remus gets frustrated that the music didn’t seem to be filling his inspiration in the way he hoped he changes the song revealing it to be approximately 4am, and no texts received since he sent D a picture if the teeth pile around 10pm.

—

“Can you go wake Remus up and ask if he wants any breakfast, he really shouldn’t sleep in this late, even if it is Saturday” D asks from the stove while Roman grabs his carton of milk from the fridge and doesn’t bother grabbing a cup.

D grimaces at him as he chugs back the milk, once again thankful that they have separate ones (even if that is at fault of Remus deciding to mix apple juice with milk in the carton without alerting anyone else in the household). “He actually headed out like, real early this morning, I spoke to him when I got up for a shower at like six. He said he’d be back today though?” Roman replied ignoring D’s look.

“Well, that’s even weirder. I’ll make extras so he can eat when he gets back, it's already eleven.”

“Sounds good,” Roman noticing D’s almost done slides a few plates next to him and accepts D’s soft ‘thanks’.

Suddenly they hear someone miss the keyhole three times before getting it and entering. Unsurprisingly, it’s Remus inappropriately dressed for a casual outing, surprisingly he seems to be holding several bags full of merchandise. “Helloo roommates! Look what I bought!” Remus shouts, slamming the door with his foot and bringing his bags to the couch.

“Are those... cups?” D asks turning off the stovetop to curiously check out Remus’s merch load.

“Hell yeah they are! I figured since you-” He pokes at D, “Took away all our glass cups after me and Roman went to that last party, I would take it upon myself to replace them. Look!” Remus proudly pulls the ugliest Jar Jar Binks cup out of one of the bags.

Roman visibly recoils as his brother parades the worst cup he’s ever seen around their apartment. D rolls his eyes but collects the cup and hesitantly places it into the dishwasher. “Thank you, Remus, these cups are horrid but they’re functional, which, I guess is good enough. Though, how much did these cost?”

“No idea, probably around sixty bucks total though, maybe. I went to three different thrift stores. Look at this one!” Remus holds up a vaguely terrifying cup that seems like it may have once resembled Spongebob Squarepants to Roman.

“That’s… Great, Remus, thanks�� Roman says taking the offered item.

—

The three make it to practice 20 minutes early because Roman likes to prove he’s dedicated and a good captain. Coach Thomas and Joan greet them and Thomas talks to Roman briefly as Joan finishes setting things up. D and Remus do some stretches as others begin to show up, D comments on Remus being shaky and Remus hops around quickly explaining that he just woke up with a lot of energy for some reason.

Coach Thomas reminds Remus to take his time during practices speeding through everything doesn’t work if he keeps messing up before he even makes it halfway through.

—

D is going to kill Remus tomorrow morning. The repetitive sound of the bedframe slamming against their shared wall, and Remus wailing like a cat in heat at 1am is not something he wants to deal with right now. It’s a Tuesday night and D knows Remus has a class at 11am, one that D will not let him skip because he decided getting laid was more important. How does Remus even get a man to willingly enter that nightmare of a room? D rummages through his bedside table for ear plugs and regrets giving Roman the far room so easily.

—

“Jesus- Hello? Do you know what time it is?” The tired voice answers the phone after the third time of going to voicemail.

“Of course I don’t, Jared, I’m not a fucking nerd! I just thought I might extend my offer of filling the fountain in the middle of campus with bubble bath and a swim to you and Payton! D already said if I woke him up he would cut my dick off and feed it to his snake,” Remus audibly pouted at the end of his sentence.

Despite it being three am, it didn’t take a lot for Jared to wake up Payton and agree to meet him just off campus to run to the 24/7 convenience store for soap for the fountain. Remus leads the group in talking a mile a minute about something that Jared and Payton actually missed out on entirely. They try to contribute but realize Remus doesn’t notice when they have their own conversation anyways. They listen to him vaguely flit through topic after topic and get lost and confused in his own sentences, and once the soap is collected, they head to the large fountain in the middle of campus.

The fifth bottle of soap has been discarded and the fountain is sufficiently bubbly by the time the three hockey players strip to their boxers and begin their bath. There are attempted drownings, bubble beards, and the fountain change being thrown around.

At some point Remus stops talking for a second, observing the lithium bulbs through the fountain streams and bubbles floating across the courtyard. For a moment, he thinks he’s never been this happy in his life, these last few days have been the best days of his life. He lets Jared and Payton know this and like stare at him for a moment before teasing him about going soft and a few “I love you, bro” “Dude, you mean so much to me” and such were exchanged. They leave moments before campus security’s due to do their rounds in the early morning and laugh when about an hour later they receive a campus-wide notification to avoid the courtyard for repairs.

—

Remus spends most of practice being more annoying than usual. He gets a bit more of a stern talking to than he has in a while, in response says that he’ll try to do better to prepare for the game this weekend.

—

He did not succeed and got an even sterner talking to by Coach Thomas and Joan, and then by Roman separately.

—

Remus has a brief moment of clarity regarding his spending habits from the last week and a half in the middle of his current project. His solution is instead of buying the club size container of hot sauce, he makes a trip to the Taco Bell off campus. After dropping off the rest of his goods at the apartment, it was pretty late in the evening and he was dressed in nothing but neon green basketball shorts, slides, and a pretty badly stained grey tank top. Thankfully, Florida weather permitted this, though the looks he had been receiving all day disagreed. It likely did not help that if prompted, Remus wasn’t 100% on the last time that he slept, but if he had to guess it was two or three days ago, but that was probably a maximum of five hours. Surprisingly, he had never felt so good in his life. He’s also pretty sure he’s said that a lot this week.

He leaves Taco Bell with a small meal bag full of hot sauce at no cost.

—

D doesn’t ask any questions when he uses the bathroom in the early morning and is met with the sight of Remus in the bathtub. He is covered in a large variety of substances. The floor is covered in Taco Bell hot sauce wrappers, there’s a box full of water balloons of various colours and sizes. Remus waves with his available hand before he resumes filling the current water balloon with what may be a bulk container of banana lube. D pisses, not bothering to ask Remus to leave and just pulls the shower curtain over a little before washing his hands and deciding to figure it out tomorrow.

The next day, D woke up around 10am to a few texts saying some prick is throwing weird water balloons at first years off this academic building on campus. D didn’t think much about it until he was leaving his 12:30 lecture walking past splatters of mayo, egg, egg shells, hot sauce, and more, all separately. While observing the damage he found Remus asleep on some grass outside said academic building and had to call Logan for help to get him home. The two are used to this by now and D reminds himself to tell Remus to clear his ‘great ideas’ with someone containing a braincell.

—

Remus spends a good majority of his day listening to one song in the living room of the shared apartment. He was there when D left for classes, he was there when Roman left a little later in the day, failing to go to his own classes at all that day. The second D returns for lunch Remus is trying to explain a hidden meaning in the song, D brushes it off and reminds Remus, that to pass his classes he has to at least go.

—

This is Remus’s third night out in an area of town he really doesn’t know. He went home yesterday for early practice before coming back out. He knows it didn’t go well.

In attempts to make himself feel better, he blew a guy who’s name he already forgot but was hot as hell, he lost count of the shots he’s done, but at least there’s no practice tomorrow. He doesn’t have to worry about when he goes home, doesn’t have to worry about Roman or D and their weird concerned looks. He’s doing great! Why are they concerned, they just don’t get it.

At 2 am everyone gets kicked out of the club. Remus walks six blocks with his new friends with the promise of couch space to crash on and additional alcohol.

It’s suddenly 4:47 am and Remus is the only one awake and all the booze is gone. He is sitting under lithium streetlights smoking a cigarette on the porch of a strangers house with the humid Florida wind enables him to sit comfortably without a jacket. There is a moment, with sirens in the distance that Remus lets his eyes go out of focus. For the first time in who knows how long, he feels present. There is cracked cement under his feet, a dog barking a few houses down, and he wonders why he’s even here. The hidden Prince twin, here, in a city he has only been to once for a tournament, in a stranger’s house, drunk off his ass, his phone dead. He takes time to wonder, is this fun to him? It has to be right? Why did he just leave without telling anyone? Spending nights on the streets, or finding someone to go home with just so he didn’t have to find somewhere else to sleep. Is this who he is now?

He doesn’t know if he can answer that. Remus shakes himself before putting out his cigarette on his arm and deciding it doesn’t matter.

He still doesn’t sleep that night, but plugs in his phone and decides he needs to go home soon.

—

This is a different club than the previous night, someone sold Remus a few pills earlier and he figured why not? He feels better than ever. He lets the man he’s making out with know that and he lets out a kind of raspy laugh that Remus thinks is the hottest thing. He lets the other man know that too before sticking his tongue down his throat.

—

Remus is in the park yelling. It is almost 6pm, he pauses for a moment, completely forgetting what he was yelling about. He realizes that he is pretty drunk. Remus would normally like to say he only drinks with an excuse, but he doesn’t remember why he’s drunk, or how he got to the park. This isn’t near campus, he doesn’t recognize this park at all. He just stops yelling and googles the next bus to take him home.

—

Upon arriving home and greeting D, Remus falls asleep in his room for almost 12 hours to make up for the missing sleep from the last four days. When he is woken up for food and offered tylenol for his hangover, he tries to tell them he doesn’t have one. They don’t believe him, but he takes the food. Remus makes a joke recalling how the other day all he had eaten was some stale croutons he found in a pantry and half a bottle of Fireball he found in the fridge nearby. The joke did not land, but he was too busy laughing about it to notice.

The three eat their Sunday lunch with small amounts of banter and D switching between who he agrees with based on who’s statement didn’t sound like it came from a six year old. As they clean up, Remus starts excitedly talking about something that’s topic changed around four times in one sentence. Roman feigns interest but got lost and doesn’t care enough; D listens and has to ask Remus to repeat things slower every few minutes.

—

Several times throughout the night, D hears Remus loudly leave his room to check the front door. In the early morning D doesn’t hear Remus return to his room, but faintly hears netflix turn on in the living room.

In the morning, Remus seems wary of the door but does not say anything.

—

One day while messing around in the kitchen Remus is struck with the need to just go. The urge is so strong that the more he stands still in the kitchen the more his body just begins to tremble with barely contained energy. He doesn’t quite know where he’s going yet, but as he grabs his wallet, double checking he has his bus pass and ID, a jacket, his phone, and his keys. Without telling anyone, he walks to the main exchange near campus where he hops on the first bus that arrives. The bus isn’t particularly busy, and it makes it easier for him as he settles into the back of the bus bopping to his music, but not having the focus to listen to a song all the way through. He hits his hands softly on the very 90’s looking patterned seats to the beat of the song, watching out the windows with both legs bouncing. He rides this bus to the end of the line and catches the next bus to arrive at that bus exchange that takes him into a new smaller city. The sun is beginning to set and he finds a pub to grab some food and a few drinks at.

An hour and a half and four drinks later Remus is fighting some asshole in the pub and they both get kicked out. He wanders these smaller streets buzzed and poking at forming bruises while he smokes a cigarette. He walks by a convenience store and two homeless men outside ask him for a cigarette, he shares and spends a solid amount of time socializing with them and gets some booze for his troubles. They eventually part ways when one of them come out from the bathroom with a pack of stolen cookies. The store attendant chases them away and Remus finds himself wandering down empty streets again. Eventually, Remus decides to sleep for a few hours curled up in a stairwell, he doesn’t quite sleep, but does relax. Again, in the sounds of small city life, yellowed flickering light bulbs, and humid wind, Remus wonders why he’s out here.

—

The flashing neon lights and bass heavy music resonate through Remus’s bones like electricity giving him a never ending feedback loop of energy. Just before the club closes Remus sweet-talks a kind of nerdy looking guy into taking him home, while he’s mostly just hoping to not sleep outside tonight, getting laid wont hurt either.

—

Sneaking out of someone’s house before they wake up isn’t something Remus is necessarily proud of, but he doesn’t want to risk them doing something cheesy like make him breakfast. Sorry sir, Remus is a Manic Pixie Nightmare Boy, do not catch feelings, do not use for your own character development. He laughs to himself a little walking down the morning rush streets.

—

After waking up in bed with a man he doesn’t remember meeting the night before is a little jarring, but this is not the first time. It makes him wonder briefly if something is wrong with him. Remus is tired. Exhausted with himself and getting a little tired of this much fun. Instead of finding a diner for breakfast he catches a bus home and asks Logan if they can hang out tomorrow. If anyone will force him to go home, go to practice, sleep and not give him a choice to study or not without expecting him to explain himself. It will be everyone’s favourite Large Nerd. Remus doesn’t know what’s happening or why he feels like this, but he needs to go home and stop this for a little bit.Virgil, D, and Logan will help him get things a little back on track.

#sanders sides #remus sanders #hockey au #bipolar disorder #university au #roman sanders #deceit sanders #remus prince #roman prince #d foster

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missjackil · 5 years

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My Oblivious Boys!

Did you ever notice just how oblivious Sam and Dean are to what’s normal sometimes? Like, right here, we have our wonderful, Sam Mr Morals Winchester thinking nothing of breaking into the post office, even though its a felony. Im not complaining, I think its really kind of adorable. The boys live in this big, grand, beautiful, mysterous bunker, thats pretty damn close to a mansion, yet its “our house” and they dont seem to want to impress anyone when they come in. Like, “Hey come check out our gun range!” “Ever seen a real dungeon before?” “Hey, come see our classic cars and motorcycles!” But when asked “You live here?” Dean just answers “Yeah, when we’re not on the road” ya know... nbd. They could literally sell any one of those classic cars or ancient artifacts and have money for years so they dont have to run credit card scams are hustle pool. Yet, Dean acquires thrift store recliners for his and Sam’s man cave, because they just got a big TV that they could have purchased at any time before this LOL

How about not thinking its weird at all that 3 dudes adopted a kid? Sure it’s not official, like done through the courts or anything, but Sam just blurts out “He’s our kid!” to someone who doesnt know them very well, without hesitation like (ok that sounds weird that brothers share a kid). I love this stuff!

I noticed it earlier in the series, when Ash points out to them that they’re soulmates. The boys didnt flinch or even look at each other. I think anyone being told that would be at least “Really?? WOW!” and brothers, especially ones that arent getting along very well at the time would be “You’re kidding right?” but nah, you may as well just told Sam and Dean they have the same blood type “well yeah... obviously”

They have really no idea how gorgeous they are. Sam especially. Dean plays a lot that he thinks hes good looking, and he probably really does, but he doesnt flaunt it like most guys who think theyre hot. Sam just has NO clue how gorgeous he is, though I think he’s happy in his skin, as he does use fancy shampoos, buys nice colorful flannels with mother of pearl buttons, works out and watches his diet, yet, not obsessively, as he does eat burgers and pizza too.So I think he’s comfortable, but has no idea he’s stunningly handsome.

They appear to know they’re the best hunters ever, but I dont think it really sinks in. They have a huge arsonal (tool kit) yet, they think Asa Fox is “legit” because he killed 5 Wendigo in one night and has an Angel Blade. They now admit they’ve saved the world, a lot, yet they just seem to think its just a job. They’re not at all snobby about it, nor do they have an “Im better than you” attitude towards anyone. They’ve died and come back a zillion times but when Billie said they’re important, Sam said “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” and Dean’s like “I have no clue” Id think one need only come back from the dead once and theyd think “Damn, I must be important”

The boys had God in their kitchen making them pancakes, and Sam held him up as he was dying, and Dean saved his life, yet, they were both impressed that Father Luca met The Pope! Some might say this is bad wrting, but I dont think so, it keeps them humble. It keeps them human and allows for us to believe they fear for their lives, and their brother’s life, and not just “Yeah kill me, Ill be back by breakfast” Season 12 did a very good and important thing I think. Fans were complaining about S11 and having saved God’s life, “They have nowhere to go from here! How can you make a big bad thats bigger than God?” but S12 made everyone take a million steps back. Sam is kidnapped and chained to a chair, being threatened by a woman. Sam, all cocky and defiant, says “Ive been tortured by the Devil himself, and you, youre just an accent in a pant suit. What can you do to me?” Well we soon find out dont we? Seems like S12 tought us, as well as the brothers, that theyre not all powerful and invincible, they can get their bell rung by normal humans!

Along with that, even though theyve been brought back to life dozens of times, its still tragic for them when their brother dies. Every time its as though they have no hope of getting him back. It’s why it still breaks my heart every time one of them dies. My friend @small-scale-majestic told me recently, “Sam and Dean are larger than life... but not” And really they are. Their lives are extraorginary, things we will never go through, but they’re so human and down to Earth, we forget, and they forget, that they’ve been written about by Prophets of God. If we met them, and went to the Bunker, Dean would want to show us his vinyl collection, and Sam would make us coffee and listen to our story. Im glad they havent become as big as they could be in their own minds.

#sam and dean #much better than they know #they keep each other human

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clowngremlin · 5 years

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today after class i went around main street to go to the comic book stores there, got a comic at one, didnt get any at the other, went to some thrift and vintage stores, got a weird lil ceramic lamb at a vintage store and had a nice chat with the lady who owned it, went to my favorite vintage store, which is like a collection of vintage stores in one area, talked to a lady who owned one of the stores who i had talked to the previous time i had been there, and she brought her dog!!! she was also so excited that i had come back to talk to her that she gave me the button i wanted for free which was really nice of her!!!, then i went to china town, went to a neat store i really like and the owner was in there and she complimented my outfit and we talked about art and garfield and we followed each other on instagram and she was so delighted to find out that it was me who bought the clown sweater from the store because i bought it last friday!!! then i went to two other vintage stores in china town, got a cool pin at one, didnt get anything at the other but was really tempted to get this neat clown mug but my dad and brother told me not to buy any more mugs because we have so many and need to put some in storage. while i was in china town, a lady came up and asked me for money and i had no cash and she was really pushy about it and she also said like the funniest thing to me....she misgendered me when she first approached me, only to get closer to see that i have facial hair and hear me talk and she was like “oh sorry i thought you were a girl” and i was like “no worries, i get that a lot, im pretty androgynous looking” and then she was like “yeah like one of those transgenders that you cant tell if they are a boy or girl” and i just thought that was the funniest thing because i dont think she was being like mean or anything, but like.....transgenders....god it’s hilarious when people say shit like that. anyways it wasnt a pleasant interaction because she was really pushy about giving her money even though i told her i didnt have any cash and she was like “go to an atm or something?” and i had to be like “i have like $5 in my bank account” and she was like “oh” and i was like “yeah.” it was a really uncomfortable interaction but she did say she really liked my garfield t shirt so that was nice. then i went to go find the art gallery at the university, couldnt find it, asked someone, they told me the address but the internet wouldnt work on my phone so i couldnt google maps it, so i just went to the mall and got a tea from work and went home!! im not gonna go to school tomorrow because i didnt go to the art gallery and we’re supposed to talk about the art show at it tomorrow in class and i literally couldnt find it so i dont wanna be That Guy Who Didnt Go so im just gonna skip class and work on my comic!!!!

#the wretched gremlin strikes again #this was such a long post but i had a lot to say!!!

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maybeiwasnevermeanttobesave-blog · 6 years

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Maybe before I write the bad I should name the few things that bring me joy.

I have a favorite author. I suppose they’ve all changed over the years. But reading has always been important to me. Always. My life could be falling apart but these authors took me on a journey and made me forget for awhile who I was. Maybe they’ll see this and know they made a difference. They were important. The friends I never met. That never knew I exsisted. Alvin Schwartz started off as my favroite. “In a dark dark room”. I’d check that book out of the library a thousand times. Starting my love for all things scary. Then of course Heather Brewer I would awaitedly wait for the release date on each Vladmir Todd book and rush immediately to barnes and noble and buy it. I remember I seen the series at a book fair in middle school nobody had given me money so I told my friend that is what I want for my birthday the vampire smiley face stuck out at both of us and at the end of the day he skipped over to me and handed me a fresh copy of Vladimir Todd. I started reading immediately. Suzanne Collins. You brought me into the world of the hunger games. You made this series real. I borrowed the copies from the library and was glued to them finishing the trilogy in 3 days. And patiently each year I eagerly awaited the movies. Suzanne Young. My most recent favorite author. You wrote the program. I had just finished 13 reasons why. And begged my boyfriend to take me to a thrift store so I could buy a new book. I looked over their young adult/teen books and nothing was striking my interest. That is until a white spine with black pills in a glove stuck out at me “The Program” I picked up this lightly used copy of the book and looked at the cover the yellow intrigued me. I turned it over and read the back. Immediately I knew this book would be important to me. I didn’t realize the book was a series at first. I brought the copy up to the front checked out and sat at a basketball court as I read finshing the book that night and needing more. I went back to the thrift store hoping the rest of the series would be there. To my luck it wasn’t. So I searched my local book store again no luck. So I went to the library. Other libraries in my area did have the book I was thrilled. I request them and I’m almost done also reading the “‘mini series” books to it as well. And these books I can not lie had given me a hope I didn’t have. I tweeted you my casting ideas if it ever becomes a movie. And to my surprise you answered saying it was great casting. I was so excited you answered me. Because thats how I pictured the girls! I literally told my boyfriend how exciting that was for me! Thank you because in my life where I don’t have much good you gave me a moment of pure joy. And that means so much to me.

Going along to the first thing something that always makes me feel better is the smell of a brand new book. The pure joy of it thrills me.

Ariana Grande. Your music isn’t sad. But please know during the hardest times your music has helped me. So much. I would put my headphones in and just listen your music always happy and your voice always soothing. During my darkest days. You made me see a light. A light I never seen before. And I wish you could know how much you helped me.

Bhad Bhabie. My favorite rapper. I always saw myself in you. A younger version of me. As soon as the cash me outside meme started I decided to watch the full episode. And the things going on I knew all to well about. I’m glad you’re doing better than. I’m glad you became something better. I went to your first tour “Bhanned in the USA” it was my first concert ever. My friend bought the tickets for my birthday. We packed a weekend bag and headed off to Boston for the weekend! Anybody who knows me knows I’m afraid of crowds. So concerts are a hard thing for me. I was 21 turning 22. So I was able to go in the 21 plus section. I was thrilled it was like being on stage with you. The energy. The vibe. I never felt so alive or so happy. My friend slipped someone $20 so I could be in the front row. I knew every single lyric to every single song. Recently I found myself trying to sell a bunch of my things just so I could afford you new concert the lil yatchy one. You were coming to my little state finally and I needed to go again. I panicked as I watched the tickets quickly become close to sold out. I asked my friend if I could just borrow the $30 she was like lets just check the site see how many our left. She looked over at me and said guess what? I said what she said guess sadly I thought all the tickets had been sold out she said no i said “were going?” And she said “you get to meet her too” I screamed so loud I’m sure the people downstairs in the store below us heard us “I get to meet bhad bhabie” but suddenly I didngrow scared because of my own image. My body weight bothers me and I can just hide that. Im afraid she wont like me or shell think Im ugly... but nevertheless I am thoughroly excited and have been planning my outfit since. October 30th I will be there.

There are simplier things that do make me happy heres a list

-Back rubs

-Gotham

-Buffalo chicken with blu cheese

-Reading

- Singing

- Writing

- Halloween

- October

- Fall

-The sound autum leaves make when you crunch them with your shoe

- Mocha Frappe’s from starbucks w/ whip topping

- Applebee’s

- Dancing

- On chilly nights laying under my soft cozy blanket in shorts and being slightly chilli but also warm.

- Fuzzy socks

- Jeffree Star youtube videos

- Makeup

- Salt and Vinger Chips

- Petting a cat

- The color pink

- Shopping

- Helping other people

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whatitellmyfriends-blog · 6 years

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Turning the BIG 40!!!

I can't even believe I had to write the above title! How is it even possible that I am almost 40? How did I get here so fast? What did I think 40 was? What do I think 40 will be? Truth is I never gave it much thought until it was closer in front of me rather than something in a galaxy far far away. Everyday that passes though here it comes faster and faster!

I get that 40 is just a number, deep down I still feel like an awkward teenager. Im the one looking around thinking “oh that mom is way older than me, look at all her responsibilities” then “that mom” tell she she's only 34 and I gasp in shock! I hang out with my 26 year old clients and feel like one of the girls mean while Im almost twice their age! denial?..maybe..but i would prefer to say that with a Jamacian accent explaining it is simply a river in Egypt.

40 is something my parents once were, 40 is like real adulting, in your 40′s weird stuff happens to your body, 40 is halfway to 80, 40 is like there is absolutely no excuse to not have your sh*&t together!!! 40 is when I should be able to understand my kids math homework but somedays math homework still has me in tears!!

40 is just a number, bigger than 30 but still just a number..lol..there is nothing wrong with being something my parents once were, truth is everyday I wake up and put my feet on the ground is a great blessing that i give thanks for everyday. Looking back I just never really thought one day I would be where my parents were, but here I am killing it!! lmao! “real adulting” as I like to call it is something I have been doing for quite sometime now, managing my own business for 15 years, being a wife for almost 10, a mom for almost 9, owning our own home and maintaining it well ( minus weeds, weeds don't count they pop up faster than my grey hairs). We pay bills and taxes on time, have a family calendar and no car alone..lol. 40 is halfway to 80 (dang maybe I'm better in math that i think..hahahahaha) wouldn't it be really awesome to be 80 one day! and Lets be honest I have my sh*t together thats never been a problem!

40 is just this new found stage. Im not having anymore babies, or planning a wedding (just a big birthday party). Im not buying my first house or even my first car. Girls nights are few and far between. Im not spending $120 on a single digit pair of jeans or even buying sexy bras and underwear (sorry dave lol) There are no more impromptu vacations to far away lands, the gym is so much work now, weight doesn't fall of like it used to, instead hairs pop up in unwanted places and i have to pluck a grey eyebrow here and there(wth??).There are no more weekly playdates with mom groups or long walks through the mall with a sleeping baby. This new found stage I find myself venturing into has me searching out small babies to have a wee cuddle with, handing them back thankful I have some independent children. It has me planning a 10th anniversary and big birthday bash. It has me decorating and picking out furniture for house I am blessed to have that I Love and get to watch my kids grow up in. It has me walking the aisles of a thrift store relishing in a great deal for a growing family. I may not be a single digit size anymore but I am thankful everyday for a body that made two beautiful healthy children and allows me to keep up with them everyday, and lets be honest, who needs sexy bras and underwear. I want comfortable, Id consider it like winning the lottery if I could just find one pair that fit properly. I mean if they aren't rolling down under my mum tum I have to pull them up so high some weird stuff falls out the sides! Butt wedgies, Vag wedgies! (struggle is real don't deny) Lets not even talk about bras! Seriously ! Th prices for something to hold my boobies! Remember the good old days when boys would do that for free!! hahahahaha!! Now I have to pay like $60 for something that holds my front boobs but does absolutely nothing for my back boobs!! (oh the horror!! shock! gasp!) I never ever feel like the flawless victoria secret model when I put that on! what a scam!!

This stage finds me walking beside girlfriends going thru marriage struggles, divorces, miscarriages, financial stress, job loss, career change. This season has me realizing I need to set boundaries for healthy relationships, that my health and well being isn't just for me anymore. I have people under the same roof as me that count on me for their daily needs. During this season I am most days overwhelmed with laundry and dishes, noticing the dust under the couch, resigned to one piece bathing suits and thinking about eliminating underwear completely to avoid all noted issues above.LMAO! Also I have noticed that when u are in your 40′s its totally an unwritten rule that you never go to a girlfriends house without wine and you never leave without drinking the whole bottle together. Wine becomes a staple like salt on the dinner table, “and heres mommas wine”. All of a sudden your drinking daily and its totally acceptable..LMAO. Girls nights and impromptu vacations have turned into a family calendar that takes up a whole kitchen wall, gigs, events and activities are all written down. We plan who’s in charge of finding a sitter and when gramma is coming back to us from vacation!! We do our best to squeeze things in , no one sleeps till noon anymore, there is always something to do. Vacations circle around kids enjoyment and are never restful, but boy they are fun!!

So I have decided to prove to myself that age is just a number I have made a list of 40 things I want to do before I turn 40. I made my vision board and have started making them happen and it feels so great for the self-care aspect of life. I mean if we don't look after ourselves how on earth are we supposed to look after others. This year before I turn 40 I just want to push myself a little bit harder to get to somewhere I have never been before. 40 is coming and it is coming fast!! I want to make sure that everyday I am blessed with is the best day! that I am living my best life! Wish me luck! if I figure out how to post this, the list will follow..lol!!

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malibu-92 · 6 years

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I dare you to answer all of them but skip the ones you've already answered

LETS DO THISthe numbers didn’t copy & i’m not going thru & adding them again fight meAA means already answered i guess

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora?

is your room messy or clean?

messy always

what color are your eyes?

blue!!

do you like your name? why?

i love it!! i think it’s pretty & uncommon

what is your relationship status?

lol

describe your personality in 3 words or less

awkward but confident

what color hair do you have?

naturally brown but it’s dyed auburn red!

what kind of car do you drive? color?

none lol

where do you shop?

my mom buys me clothes from kohl’s & jcpenney if i had a job & therefore my own money to spend i’d buy all of my clothes from this vintage thrift store downtown that i love

how would you describe your style?

favorite social media account

tumblr or pinterest

what size bed do you have?

twin

any siblings?

in theory

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

minnesota cuz it’s cold & there’s hippo campus

favorite snapchat filter?

i don’t have snapchat so idk

favorite makeup brand(s)

how many times a week do you shower?

favorite tv show?

the x files

shoe size?

9.5

how tall are you?

5’9”

sandals or sneakers?

sneakers

do you go to the gym?

describe your dream date

concert

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

uhh i think a $20 & some change

what color socks are you wearing?

black & pink

how many pillows do you sleep with?

do you have a job? what do you do?

i babysit occasionally but nah

how many friends do you have?

idk enough

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

exist tbh

whats your favorite candle scent?

hm probably rose but i also really like apple, pumpkin & vanilla scents

3 favorite boy names

idk but i rly like the name blaise

3 favorite girl names

there are so many to choose from…… i like names that start with k

favorite actor?

??? i don’t pay much attention to actors oof

favorite actress?

who is your celebrity crush?

zach sutton

favorite movie?

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i used to all the time but i barely have time anymore!! my 2 faves are lord of the flies & to kill a mockingbird

money or brains?

do you have a nickname? what is it?

momo & pieps

how many times have you been to the hospital?

zero for myself but i’ve visited other people like maybe 7 or 8 times

top 10 favorite songs

do you take any medications daily?

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

what is your biggest fear?

how many kids do you want?

whats your go to hair style?

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

who is your role model?

what was the last compliment you received?

what was the last text you sent?

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

i cant remember honestly maybe like 9 or smth? i just kinda made that up

what is your dream car?

like a vintage volkswagen anything

opinion on smoking?

lung cancer

do you go to college?

im 16

what is your dream job?

writer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

neither i wanna live downtown somewhere

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

yea

do you have freckles?

i don’t have a ton on my face but my arms are covered

do you smile for pictures?

yup

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

sooo many

have you ever peed in the woods?

nah

do you still watch cartoons?

when i babysit yea & i would definitely still watch the show gravity falls if it hadn’t ended

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

i’ve never tried wendys nuggs actually

Favorite dipping sauce?

bbq

what do you wear to bed?

one of my dad’s old t-shirts w shorts in the summer & fuzzy pants in the winter

have you ever won a spelling bee?

ish? i won a classroom spelling bee & i was supposed to go to like a local competition but i had a more important conflict

what are your hobbies?

reading & writing poetry, journaling, singing, dancing

can you draw?

kinda

do you play an instrument?

my own vocal chords

what was the last concert you saw?

i haven’t been to one in sooooo long omg. all the somewhat good bands have been at bars that i’m not allowed to go to & all my faves haven’t come to my city :/so it was the buzz beach ball music festival in kansas city in september, where i saw middle kids, marian hill, spoon, hippo campus & foster the people

tea or coffee?

coffee

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

starbucks

do you want to get married?

at this point in time, no. very much subject to change

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

um i’m still trying to decide if the extremely slight & vague feelings i may or may not have qualify as a crush or not but for the sake of this question we’ll say they do & go with: c. h.

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

depends on their last name lol

what color looks best on you?

blue or burgundy i think

do you miss anyone right now?

yes

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

open cuz we have bad circulation upstairs

do you believe in ghosts?

undecided

what is your biggest pet peeve?

people saying “awww” with that stupid ass fake sympathetic smile when i tell them smth im upset about

last person you called?

my mom

favorite ice cream flavor?

mint chip

regular oreos or golden oreos?

regular duh i’m not a barbarian

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

rainbow

what shirt are you wearing?

im wearing a blue & purple striped turtleneck

what is your phone background?

rn its a pic i took of a box of colorful sequins cuz i thought it was christmasy im probably gonna change it soon

are you outgoing or shy?

depends on who i’m with & how much caffeine i’ve had but usually shy i guess

do you like it when people play with your hair?

NO IF YOU TOUCH MY HAIR & I WILL SLAUGHTER YOU & YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY

do you like your neighbors?

it’s about half & half. i have a good friend who lives across the street from me & i live by some nice old people but i also have some neighbors who are complete assholes.

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

at night yea

have you ever been high?

nah

have you ever been drunk?

nah

last thing you ate?

a rolo

favorite lyrics right now

“try to live up to the person you pretend to be” from mr. know-it-all by young the giant is a solid life motto

summer or winter?

winter

day or night?

night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk

favorite month?

what is your zodiac sign

sagittarius

who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents i think

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rokurookajima · 7 years

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once again filling my evening answering questions nobody asked

cherry turnover: who do you live with?

i’ve lived by myself for three months now!! it’s cool and there are some things that are really nice about living totally alone like truly never bothering anyone with the shit you’re doing. but im tryna move in with evie soon and we’re hoping to have a place by mid june!!!! we just looked at some today and im jazzed bananas foster: do you believe in soul mates?

yes absolutely but like in a specific sense. i don’t believe everyone has like one singular soul mate, and i don’t believe soul mates are exclusively romantic. but i completely believe there are people you’re cosmically supposed to meet, and that sometimes the odds are all against you meeting but you still do, and when you finally meet there is some kind of feeling like you’ve either known each other way longer, or you instantly know they’re going to be so important to you. i think i’ve met more than one soul mate by that definition in my life. one was the guide of a travel group i went on a trip with when i was 16, and i only knew him for a week but we both connected so strong and instantly, and both were clearly affected by it i think we both walked away differently. i’ve never seen him since then and i cried a lot the last day of that trip. but like it definitely wasn’t romantic?? it was just some kind of deep soul connection. i also think you can have friendships that are gonna last forever and those are pretty close to soul mates too. basically i have a lot of very romanticized ideas about people you meet in your life glazed donut: would you rather visit a zoo or an aquarium?

prob an aquarium pumpkin pie: what were your interests as a child?

i really fuckin loved dinosaurs when i was rlly young, like preschool and kindergarten age. i liked cool rocks a lot too, i had a ton of geodes and crystals and those little stones you could buy at like museum giftshops that i kept in boxes and would just look at all the time. i was rlly obsessed with harry potter when i was like 8 i think that was when i first read the books and there were only five at the time. late childhood (like 4/5th grade) i loved cats on probably a weird level bc wow yeah i was a warrior cats kid, also loved pirates a lot lemon tart: how many languages can you speak?

just one unfortunately. i wish i knew a second language but alas chocolate mousse: how is your relationship with your parents?

it could probably be better, but i guess it is a lot better than a lot of people my age have. i love my parents but they’re rlly problematic people, and even tho they didn’t mean to, they are the biggest reason i have a lot of the issues i have, and they still do shit that perpetuates it. it’s better in some ways that i don’t live with them now, bc i think some parts of my mental health like my self image are better bc i’m around way more supportive people than them. but also i feel bad bc i don’t make as much of an effort to talk to them as i should since i don’t see them every day. me and my mom have always been pretty close, and i don’t want to lose that. they try sometimes creme brûlée: describe your style

american apparel lmao which i can only keep saying for like the next YEAR before that won’t define anything for people. but 4 real a good portion of my wardrobe is from american apparel, and when i shop else ware, it’s still pretty consistent with that style. like very basic cuts and colors of things, only pattern i ever wear is stripes, highwaisted everything, cropped everything. i only wear black white gray and green i am a stereotype cheesecake: have you ever visited a sex shop?

lmao yeah more than once. there’s a couple around where i live that i’ve been to a few times, and one in columbus. i’ve never bought anything at one, or gone there with like the intent to purchase stuff. they’re just honestly so funny to walk through and be horrified by the enormous dildos raspberry sorbet: favorite clothing stores?

wow i can’t say american apparel anymore im so sad. so uh. i honestly don’t know where im gonna get most of my clothes now. forever 21 and h&m are always good places to find some cheap stuff. i wanna thrift more, but i never seem to have very good luck at finding stuff green tea ice cream: who was your first crush?

lmao it was milo thatch from atlantis. but i assume we are talking about a real person that i actually y’know like. could speak to. which was my tumblr boyfriend that i met when i was 17. i met him in a fandom chatroom i ended up in through some other tumblr friends, then kinda started getting some feels when he posted a selfie after we’d already talked in the chat and i was like oh no he’s hot. so wowie a tragic tale of star-crossed lovers chocolate chip cookie: how has your life changed over the past year?

i can’t even start to say how much my life has changed over the last year. truly, i don’t think there’s ever been a year in my life that i’ve looked at and been so in awe of how many things happened. but yeah last spring-this spring i went through so many life experiences and firsts and personality changes and struggles and some of the happiest days of my life and by far the fucking worst days of my life. since april last year, i fell in love for the first time, had a real relationship for the first time, became a lot more social, got really close to some of the people i’m now closest to, got high for the first time, lost my virginity, went to big parties, got a lot more social, met a lot of people, saw a lot of new sides of life, questioned a lot of my own beliefs and came to new ones, left the country without my parents, traveled out of state completely by myself, got my heart completely destroyed for the first time, attempted suicide, thought my life would literally not make it to this point, moved out of my house, lived on my own, got stronger, figured some shit out, hooked up with someone at a party, had casual sex for the first time, now i’m hoping to move again in the next few months. i know some of that is like. not actually that exciting, and a lot of it was shit that most people do for the first time in high school, but it was a lot for me. i ended up in a world and lifestyle that i used to write fiction about and romanticize the hell out of, and never thought i’d actually live it first hand. so rlly this last year was fuckin wild for me and in a lot of ways i feel like i’ve aged 60 years, and i’m tired from that much all in one year, but i’m also still kinda naive and clueless so what can u do berry trifle: first & last concert you went to?

so wow i don’t go to real concerts. the first was probably some christian band with my family. the last. does the american murder song wake tour count? that was kind of a concert tapioca pudding: favorite animated characters?

WOW let me fuckin TELL u my favorite animated characters. number one will always always always be revy from black lagoon. i have never loved a character that much in my life, everything about her is so good. she’s such a goddamn disaster and so well written and complex and so much more than just a typical bad ass female archetype. i love that it’s not just headcanon to read deep into her personality, it’s a huge point of the series. i love that on the surface she is just like. a bad ass with no feeling. then u actually get to the end of the series and she is actually a CHILD inside who is so fuckin insecure and she LOVES ROCK SO MUCH i wanna die. also lust from fullmetal alchemist esp the 2003 anime fuck me ALL THE WAY UP. ed elric, and truly everyone in fullmetal alchemist what a series what a cast of characters. fudge brownie: do you like your name?

sometimes. i used to really hate it when i was younger, now it’s changed some. i like still don’t like it when i say it out loud probably bc people 100% of the time think i said cindy and i have to correct them every dang time. but like that i can shorten it to syd which i also used to hate bc toy story (i was a kid ok) but now i like it. there are also those times where people you like say your name and it makes u feel some type of way??? i like it then. so i guess i like it most when other people are saying it u feel me strawberry shortcake: are you good at keeping secrets?

i mean if it’s my own, absolutely not what the fuck is a secret i am a tragic over sharer about my own shit. but other people’s, yes i’d say so. i feel like a lot of people feel comfortable enough to tell me things they might not tell other people, and i don’t ever feel like it’s a burden to keep a secret y’know?? so it doesn’t like eat at me and make me wanna tell people tiramisu: are you daring when it comes to makeup & clothing or do you like to play it safe?

uh i guess somewhere in the middle. like the way i dress isn’t rlly how everyone dresses and i guess in some crowds would be considered pretty different, but i don’t know if its daring bc its not like....that adventurous or out there. esp bc i only wear neutral colors lmao. same with makeup, for the most part, it’s pretty simple but every now and then i like to do something fancier. i feel like the most daring things about me appearance wise are like having a lot of piercings and tattoos??? so y’know make ur daring shit permanent i guess im not that edgy lmao oreo milkshake: do you sleep a lot?

i feel like i sleep a pretty average amount. i wish i could sleep more bc i’m tired all the time, but way more i wish i could sleep less. i love the idea of being able to just naturally get up early and have so much time in the morning to do shit and enjoy the morning. and i like staying up late. but i’m always tired and even tho i have to get up early most mornings, it’s still a constant struggle and i wish it wasn’t. i’ll sleep pretty late when i get the chance tho

apple crisp: how do you relax?

guess it depends on what i’m feeling. i like to take baths a lot, or just chill and watch movies and stuff. i love having relaxing hangouts with friends, like just chilling watching movies with people and not needing to do anything else. i wanna do more quote-unquote relaxing stuff, like read and write more, go to yoga classes, shit like that carrot cake: who is your celeb look alike?

i’ve been told more than once i look like krysten ritter so i will go with her. it’s the bangs macaron: what is your ethnicity?

white af cinnamon bun: favorite salty snack?

wow salty snacks are my VICE i love salty shit way more than sweet things. fuck man i love chips of all kinds, i’ve been eating way too many hot cheetos lately, french fries, mcdonalds hash browns, i’m gonna have blood pressure issues from how much i love salt

#about me #personal #one man harp band

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clowngremlin · 5 years

Text

today has been the first night in a few weeks that i don’t feel like absolute shit so im able to do the good things list!!! i should have done them all along, but i just felt really sad and didnt want to....without further ado, the good things list for the past couple of days:

sunday:

-went to multiple comic book stores and got some comics!!

-it was a beautiful day out, i actually had to take off my jacket and just be in a t shirt and jeans because it was so nice out!!

-got a large iced coffee with extra caramel

-went to the thrift store and tried on the ugliest sweater but didn’t buy it because i have too much clothing

-got a bubble tea from this bubble tea place i had been meaning to go to for months

-found out that the video game store near the sky train has mgs games for really cheap and so when i have money, im gonna go buy mgs4!!!

-my grandma and sister came over for dinner!!!!

-my grandma’s dog gets a special mention because i love him so much....his name is max and he is chumby but not in a way that’s unhealthy but in a way that he is just big boned dog!!! he is a very snuggly boy and loves to sit with me!!!

-my dad made a turkey and my grandma brought apple crumble!!!

-finished the umbrella academy!!

Monday:

-listened to a lot of mcr

-hung out with eli

-went for a walk in the big park near my house

not much happened monday, i was really sad for the most part

tuesday:

-hung out with hope!!! we went to starbucks and i got a large caramel iced coffee, and we walked around the area and we went to the comic book store near my house, and we went to a wendy’s that was a liminal space!!! it was really nice to see them!!!

-it was a beautiful day out

-that’s all that really happened, i got kind of sad later on in the day for some reason

wednesday:

-woke up early to watch eli for my dad

-went into the city as a little outing!! went to a cool area and walked around and rode the bus a bit!!!

-this gets it own mention but i went to the value village in the area i was in and i found the best garf!!! it’s like a weird trophy thing and it was $3!!!

-while i was at the value village, someone complimented my pins and told me about a pin collecting group that meets up at the end of the month!! i might go!!

-got a large iced caramel coffee

-wore an excellent outfit that consisted of my mesh t shirt, plaid skinny jeans from hot topic, my jean vest that i put some pins on, my vans and i did some revenge era gerard way-esque eye makeup!!!

-went to the mall i used to work at to go to the hot topic, saw a pal who works there, got a junji ito pin and a neat patch!!

-when i was at the mall, i saw one of my favorite regulars from my old job, and she asked why she hadn’t seen me lately and i told her i quit and she was really upset because everyone has been quitting and she was like “all my favorites are leaving!!! im going to phone head office and complain because this isn’t right!!! i have no shame!!!” because she asked me if i quit because of the new manager and i said yeah. she said she hopes to see me around, and i said she probably will!! im really glad i got to see her again because i was worried i’d never get to see her again!!! it also made me feel nice that someone liked me enough to be upset that i quit, because i was worried i wasnt any good at my job and that’s why the new manager was pressuring me to quit.....but i dont think that was the case!!

-went to the comic book store near the mall, had a nice conversation with the guy working there about the umbrella academy comics, and i found out that they can special order the comics i dont have in because they didnt have any in stock!! im gonna go back on the weekend when i have some money to get issues 4 and 5 of hotel oblivion!!!

-got the biggest size of water at a starbucks and i was really surprised that they gave me it because at my work, we were only supposed to give people the tiny cups for water so when they asked me what size i wanted i was like ?? i can choose?? the big size please!! and they gave me a trenta!!

-had sushi for dinner!!!

thursday (today):

-my sister came over for a little bit this morning!! i didnt know she was coming, so it was nice to see her!!

-it was really nice out!!

-went to my school to get a document for my medical withdrawal, ended up leaving with some free oranges AND i got a free lunch because there was a special event happening!!!

-i got an idea for a zine on the way home, and so i asked my dad where my old sketchbooks are, and he said they were probably at my grandma’s, so we went after dinner!! i took some scans of my old art, got what i needed and some extra stuff for fun!!

-my grandma and her dog max get a special mention because i love them and they’re part of the reason im in a good mood today

-my grandma gave me a raspberry ginger ale

-my dad bought me mint chocolate chip ice cream!!!!! i didnt tell him to buy it for me or anything, he had stopped to pick up some milk and toilet paper at the store and when he came back he was like “oh i got u some mint chocolate chip ice cream” and it was so nice of him because i’ve been having a hard time eating lately, especially with finding things i actually want to eat, so i was happy

-i replied something really nice to a tweet my sister made and someone said something nice to me because of it!!!

#the wretched gremlin strikes again #spencer's good things list

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