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queennicoleinboots · 3 years

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Doing Business As Swamp Business, part 1.5 (Pauno POV)

I was in a black back drop and addressing the fourth wall. "I am Pauno, the Greek God of wine, parties, crack cocaine, being supportive, and bring conservative. What you may read in this next story may make you butthurt because I don't hold back my opinions. Please continue if you dare. This story is not for the faint of heart."

I was walking with my wife, Kendrick through the swamp in Baltimore, Maryland. We were eating pizza and trying to escape the Marxist system that the United States was under. The only place in the United States that made any sense at all was backwardsass Georgia of all places. Most of them were not giving into the New World Order.

I was a Greek God, so I found a safe place and teleported us to the swamp in Social Circle, GA that expanded into several cities across Georgia. And a social circle awaited us.

The first person I noticed was an Amazonian woman with long brown curly hair, green eyes covered with leopard print glasses, and giant breasts who wore a purple crop top with a pink bekini. She was doing ballet, and when she would leap, I could see the bottom of her boobs. I couldn't help but stare. I love boobs A LOT.

Kendrick looked over at the Amazonian curly-haired woman and approached her. "You look familiar. Have I seen you before?" she asked as she looked the other woman up and down and had her jaw dropped.

The Amazonian woman smiled awkwardly and kind of looked away as she hunched her muscular shoulders. "I don't remember, but maybe we crossed paths before." She shrugged with her arms and smiled. Her smile looked extremely familiar... I had to know her from somewhere. She was on TV a lot and always seemed to be at most parties in Georgia I went to. She is extremely hot... Holy Shit I know her or rather...

"Peter?!" Kendrick said as she was looking that Amazonian woman's eyes.

My boner felt confused. I just stared at her. IT WAS A TRAP!!!!

She sighed cutely (definitely a trap) before she spoke, "I changed my name. Peter isn't a girl's name." She sighed and rolled her gorgeous green eyes.

'Remember. That's actually a dude,' I thought to myself.

She still acted like Peter.

The swamp bubbled up before a man with shaggy red hair started crawling from the large puddle in the middle of said swamp. He was covered in mud. He looked familiar as well. He looked like someone who frequented my sex and cocaine parties. He then hugged Peter around his curveous, milky waist. Peter was a very convincing girl. He had great boobs.

'GO AWAY BONER!!!!' I shouted inwardly to myself.

"Xaria, I have found you," the man covered in mud said as he kissed the left side of the other dude's curveous, smooth, milky body.

Goddamn I am beginning to hate transexuality. I am not even an iota of gay. This is not funny at all. Why the hell would anyone change their gender? That's fucking retarded. Sounds like part of a commie plan. Let's confuse everyone's genders so that people no longer have their true identities. Why else would they include gender reassignment to a stimulus package? So apparently the ideas of boys and girls are going to be replaced with purple penguins. Jesus Christ, we need your help to fix this shit. My boner is confused about these things.

Peter, or should I say Xaria, smiled and put his dainty yet long fingers around those of the other man. "Oh hey, Jared. Why the hell did you emerge from the mud?"

King Joebear then growled a great bear growl before announcing, "That's great, and now excuse me, I need to lick ass." To relieve his stress and anxiety, he mauled Xara, his wife who is AN ACTUAL FEMALE and licked her nice ass.

To relieve my stress and anxiety, I jacked off while Kendrick was oogling her ex Peter, or should I say Xaria. I have no idea whether Kendrick kissing Xaria would turn me on or not. I love to watch girls kiss each other, but this transexuality issue is confusing the hell out of me.

Count Macrula was singing an angelic opera to summon a swamp drain in the middle of the swamp to relieve his stress and anxiety. He looked more stressed than any of us. He needed to find some CBD and beer quickly.

"BAE WHUHH!!!!" Xara shouted as she shook her divine booty and did the backfat dance in front of us. She was bleeding like a stuffed pig. Xara's ass is legendary. If she were single and I were single, I would be after that booty.

King Joebear growled before he mauled her and started to lick her ass for the second time.

Count Macrula laughed a hearty laugh before he addressed Kissy, the small orange cat Xara and King Joebear had. "I am not going to lick your cat ass if that's what you are implying."

Kissy looked at Count Macrula in confusion before she meowed again. "No. I definitely did not call you for that. I simply meowed out of enjoying pizza crust," she said.

We went down the swamp drain in a clockwise direction because we were in North America.

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Unfortunately, I ended up back in Maryland and back at my job. I was surrounded by Commies. They were in support of this New World Order. I tried to tell them what was going to happen and about Proverbs, Psalms, and Revelation, but they argued with me. I showed them documentation of what was happening in the government, military, 9-11, Area 51, and Pizzagate, but they looked at me as though I WERE the crazy one. This job is so frustrating.

There were four other people with me working on the project. My wife, Kendrick was one of them. I managed to get her a job with me, and she was good at it. Then, a meathead who looked like a GI-Joe action figure was in our group. We'll call him G-I. Of course, there was that Tolkien black guy in the group. His name was Baaaahlah Barnes. He was a black goat who happened to hate other black goats. He also hated when you mispronounced his name. Last but least there was redheaded Jared, another transexual. She used to be a girl, but she was probably tired of being catcalled and a result, changed her gender. She was new, and come to think of it, she was at several of my wild parties before. She makes jewelry for weddings when she isn't here.

"Son of a bitch!" Kendrick said as she was trying to code a program to misdirect the military in the event that they swarm the streets of American cities in broad daylight.

"Yes. Technically I am one. My mother was a bitch. That's why I am a therapist when I am not here or making jewelry," Jared said as she was whizzing through the coding. There is a lot we don't know about Jared.

Kendrick snort-laughed. "Yeeeaaaahhhh! Mine is, too. She never taught me programming. I'm trying to put the 1 here, and it is wanting to put a 0," she said.

So that's how I know Jared. She was catcalled too many times as a therapist. I know that for a fact.

"You need to put a slash here, Kendrick," I said as I clicked on the spot where she dried to connect too many 1s at a time.

"Oh yeah! Wow! How did I miss that?!" Kendrick yelled.

"Bad parenting," I said with a laugh. Obviously, it was a joke.

"Yeah. My dad wasn't there, and my mother always yelled at me for everything. The only things she taught me were how to yell, sell stuff, and market. My mother was a marketer," she said as she typed more code.

"Damn. So who taught you to program?" I asked.

"I did!" Jared said. "Kendrick is a quick learner."

"Who taught you to program?" I asked Jared.

"My dad," Jared said as he, too, worked on a program that would have dancing bears interrupt a government simulation.

"Sounds like a nice man," I said as I was working.

"He is," Jared said.

All of a sudden, Xaria entered our warehouse area through a computer. He was wearing black nylon bekini panties and a black and red plaid short tank top. We could see his tummy. He looked around and was shocked. "Wow! How the hell did I end up here?"

Baaaahlah Barnes and G-I looked over and oogled at Xaria's large breasts.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated loudly. "Holy Shit. You're hot as hell! I don't know how you got here but you hot as hell!"

G-I was looking her up and down. "Whoa! I am glad you're here! This job just got interesting!" he said. That motherfucker was loud when he talked.

"Someone's computer mainframe must have malfunctioned. Let me guess. You were doing a cam show, right?" I asked.

"Of course. That's my new job, given the pandemic. I have hardly any reason to leave my house unless I forage for food for my mom and me. AAAAND!!!! I don't have to do drywall anymore!" Xaria said with a huge smile.

"Wait a minute! You did drywall?" Baaahlah Barnes asked.

"Yeah. My family got me into it. I hated it. Haaaaated it!" Xaria sang.

"How the hell does a woman do drywall?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"That explains the muscles! Holy shit!" G-I said. His voice hurts my ears.

Should I let the cat out of the bag?

"There's a reallly long story behind that," Xaria said.

"So why don't you tell us?" Kendrick said as she saved her work and gave her undivided attention to Xaria.

Xaria cleared his throat. "Whoa guys! Calm down. I don't have the Rona. My temperature is 97.5 degrees Fahrenheit. But the long story begins as any good story does, with a prequel that you don't actually write. It started when I was a 10-year-old boy."

Baaaahlah Barnes bleated and said, "WHAT????!!!!! A 10-year-old BOY?! How old are you now?"

G-I scratched his head. "You used to be a boy? How the hell did you turn into this super hot woman?"

G-I is really fucking stupid.

"Yes. That's when I had my first... female moment. I was the girl in that..." Xaria trailed off.

"Was that when you realized you were gay?" G-I asked.

Xaria scoffed off at him. "That's when I realized I was bisexual. There's a difference," he said as he rolled his eyes.

He's giving me a weird boner with his green eyes. I'm not going to acknowledge it.

"So, did you have a lot of interactions with boys ever since?" G-I asked.

"I've had lots of interactions in general. I used to be a legitimate porn star... as a man," Xaria said.

Baaahlah Barnes bleated. "Oh yeah. You were Peter Parker. I watched a lot of yo shit, man!" he exclaimed.

"So, you like both guys and girls. And you had a very popular dick. What would possess you to cut it off?" G-I asked.

That was a very good question. I couldn't imagine that. I'm shuddering at the thought.

"I have always been sterile," Xaria said with a smirk. "I have no idea why."

"I can vouge for that," Kendrick said.

"Me, too," Jared said.

Everyone looked at Jared in shock.

"How the hell do you know he's sterile?" G-I shouted.

"Jared's a tranny, too," I said to him flatly. 'Goddamn you're an idiot!' I thought.

Xaria was smiling when he said, "Jared and I got our surgeries together. The latest government stimulus package included gender reassignment, so we thought. Why not? It would be a good way to stop carrying parts that didn't work, AND most importantly, I can get out of doing drywalllll!!!" Xaria had to sing "drywall." He hated it that much.

"Meanwhile, I have his penis and balls attached to me now," Jared said. "I donated my breasts to people that wanted boob jobs. As for my vagina, I donated it to a dude who happened to be the same size as me. I hope this person enjoys it as much as I did."

I blinked. I was having an interesting day. "This is proof that medical science is crazy. Actually crazy," I said. "The correlation between economic stimulus and gender reassignment is beyond me."

"Popular demand?" Xaria asked.

"Why can't the government use the money to actually help people?!" I shouted.

"You mean like things like food, shelter, clothes, rent, and toiletries that people actually need to survive?" Jared asked.

"YES!" I shouted as fire burned in my green eyes. The office was beginning to transform.

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We heard a big bear snore in the cave we were in.

"Bruh, how the hell did we get here?" Baaaahlah Barnes asked.

"Pauno transferred us to a bear cave in one of his rages. Talking about any kind of government spending that does not make sense to him transports people to random places," Kendrick said. "Needless to say, I travelled the world in less than 80 days."

King Joebear snored at then rolled over.

Jared was charmed by Xaria's green eyes and grinned before looking up at him. "Apparently, we should have kept our genders," she said as she put her dainty fingers around longer fingers of Xaria.

Those must have been their therapy sessions all the time. No wonder Xaria is such a slut.

"If I would have known we'd travel in a bear cave over it, then I would have probably NOT taken advantage of the gender reassignment program the government was offering. The stimulus bill didn't stimulate me at all. NOW IF WE WERE TO CHANGE THAT TO A STIMULUS BELINDA, then maybe I might have been stimulated by the idea. And maybe Pauno would have transferred us to an island in the Carribbean instead of a random bear cave," Xaria said as he wrapped his arm around Jared's waist.

This is what talking to a liberal sounds like. I have no idea how to respond.

Xara emerged from farther inside the cave.

"Keep it down, Xaria. My bear is trying to sleep," she said as she grabbed his butt. She then moved her hands around the tranny's legs, groin, and boobs. She also wanted to reach his lips, but she couldn't reach up that high. I bet she wishes she had tentacles to reach all over Xaria's body. Xara was kissing Xaria wherever she could.

"BOOBS!!!! I am Pauno, the Greek God of parties, being supportive, wine, and crack cocaine," I said as I brought down bottles of wine, crack cocaine, and taco mac.

Xara then went over and ate taco mac. Kissy jumped on the table and ate taco mac with her.

Xaria snorted a few lines of crack cocaine. "At least I quit drinking!" he said with a cute grin.

Kendrick drank some wine, snorted crack cocaine, and ate taco mac.

Baaaahlah Barnes ate taco mac. "I don't drink or do drugs anymore."

"I am proud of you," I said as I took a swig of red wine.

"Red Wine" by UB 40 began to play in the background.

Xara was patting Kissy's ass to the beat of the song. Kissy let out a little meow and laid next to Xara. Xara pet Kissy.

King Joebear growled loudly as he came out of within the cave. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" he shouted. "Where's my blueberry banana smoothie!?"

"Ooh hoo Bae!!!!!" Xara shouted in excitement. Then she growled like a bear at him.

G-I was drinking, snorting cocaine, and eating some serious taco mac.

Jared ate a bowl of taco mac, too.

Xaria looked at me with a huge smile before he gave me a huge hug. My penis forgot that Xaria was actually a dude. I thought about pushing him off of me, but all I could say was, "You're welcome. A hug is all that a Greek God will allow thee. And even then, 10 seconds is the maximum allotted time." I then brought down a blueberry banana smoothie for hungryass King Joebear. I did not want to be mauled by a bear.

Jared sighed before she put her empty bowl on the floor for Kissy to lick on and pulled Xaria off me before giving him an encompassing hug. "You're a bad girl," he said as he ran his hands underneath her top and was touching her back.

"I am going to fuck you," Xaria whispered and winked to Jared. "Let's go in this cave."

"Please do! Your vagina feels so lovely!" Jared said softly as she led Xaria into the cave while looking up at him longingly. She wanted some pussy.

Count Macula, Jr. barrelled out of the cave with a serious look on his face. He had an announcement to make, "I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs. I like Xaria's boobs." Then he barrelled right back in that cave.

I went over the table where everything was and downed a few glasses of wine. "HOLY SHIT WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO?!" I shouted.

"GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS! GREAT BOOBS!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted with conviction from within the cave. He growled eight times for effect.

King Joebear shouted, "I'm out! I can't do anything! This is too gay for me."

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Even if we were out of the warehouse, we couldn't say anything considered racist in 2021. There was a black guy who claimed to be African American. I agree with Count Macrula when he says that aren't actually African Americans unless they were actually born in Africa or had parents that were born in Africa.

So, I yelled in my car where only Kendrick could hear me, "Stay in your own lane, you stupid N*bbr!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled in the lane next to me. Xara was driving and trying to maintain patience as she drove behind the slow-moving black cadillac.

I drove next to Xara and Count Macula, Jr. and honked and waved. They waved back. They had five fingers on each hand and/or paw. They weren't part of the Nephalem. Most Nephalem had six or seven fingers on each hand.

I passed by them and took Kendrick and myself home. We had more wine and sat down to research what was going on in the universe.

As we searched the Internet for real news, we discovered RTN, the Real Truth Network. King Joebear and Princess Lindsay Carrington were the news anchors that were broadcasting to us. King Joebear growled to the other bears who were watching and then translated what he said into English.

King Joebear spoke, "The Internet and world has changed as we know it. There is 'no going back to normal.' The New World Order Is Here. They have Minutemen III nuclear missiles stationed right outside of Washington D.C. Youtube and Facebook are more censored than ever. Trump supporters and the Proud Boys are planning riots under the FBI's nose. Most major cities are deserted. And Hell on Earth will open soon. The good news is, after Tribulation, Jesus will rule the Earth for a thousand years."

"At least it was peaceful in Washington D.C., Athens, GA, Atlanta, GA, Los Angeles, CA, the United Kingdom, and Tybee Island, GA during the inauguration. How long will this peace last? I would assume until the end of the Great Reset of 2021. But for now, we will move on to a word from our sponsors at Real Food Network," Princess Lindsay Carrington chimed in.

"I want sausage and beans!!!!" King Joebear shouted.

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"Yes Bae Whuhhhh!!! Sausage and Beans Wednesday!!!!" Xara shouted as she was cooking sausage and beans. "I'm hungry again."

"I love sausage and beans, but you know what I hate?" Count Macula, Jr. asked as he helped Xara season the beans.

"What? Democrats?" Xara asked as she stirred the beans.

"Haha Yes, but you know what I hate more than Democrats?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"What?" Xara asked.

"Radiated Refried Beans!" Count Macula, Jr. yelled.

"Oh yes! Recreational Radiated Refried Beans!" Xara shouted.

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deepfriedtwinkie · 6 years

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Kingsman: A Trainee’s Mission (Pt. IV)

PREQUEL FIC, this section ~2kw

pt. I | pt. II | pt. III

“Here.”

Harry slides a plastic tray in front of Hamish, who looks up, startled, from the disassembled wristwatch in his hands.

“What’s all this?”

It’s a curry, a hunk of bread, and a clementine, but they both have eyes, so that’s probably not the answer he’s looking for. Harry slides into the seat opposite, setting down his own tray. Its contents are the same, except his clementine is a lemon Danish. He’s not the one who needs to improve his eating habits.

“I thought perhaps you could use a proper meal,” he explains, unfolding a cloth napkin to tuck across his lap. “We’ve been here a half a month already, and I don’t believe I’ve seen you take anything besides crisps and Tab.”

There’s a shade of something in Hamish’s expression that looks to be on the verge of protest. Harry waits, watching until it passes, only satisfied by his friend’s nod of concession, several moments later.

“S’pose you’re right. Thank you. That’s very kind.”

A smile flares on. “Don’t mention it.” The curry smells wonderful, and he tucks in while it’s hot.

They’re alone in their corner of the mess hall, which bears quite a bit more resemblance to the ones at university than those provided for any branch of military intelligence. He should know. About the first part, at least. His years at Oxford were, up to now, the most rewarding of his life, not the least because he never lacked for a hot meal involving sturdy greens and a port wine gravy. The latter he misses now especially, although Kingsman has far better dinner rolls, so he supposes it works out to a draw.

In a fortnight’s time, the remaining candidates—down to eleven now—have settled into cliques, as it were. Prat Winston has taken to holding court at the front table, with Graham, Chauncey, William, Edgar, and Derrington gravitating to him like gnats to a ten-watt light bulb. The other three lads, whom he’s learnt are called Courtney, Philip, and Kenneth, tend to huddle to themselves in the dimly-lit corner near the chafing dishes, whispering back and forth as if they’re going to be caught and beaten, which is a tad dramatic. Of all his options, he’s glad to have settled here, content with the company of no more than his bunkmate.

About whom he still knows very little, come to think of it.

He waits with extraordinary patience until Hamish has taken at least five bites of food. Then the rest be damned, because curiosity really does kill people, you know.

“I thought we might have a chat, you and I,” he says brightly. “Clearly the both of us are in this for the long haul. I feel as if I hardly know a thing about you.”

“You know my name,” Hamish reminds him. “That’s the highlight, I can promise you.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t believe that for a moment. You’re here, aren’t you?”

His chin juts toward Sir Winston the Odious. “So’re those pricks. Doesn’t mean there’s anything interesting about them.”

“Them, no.” He’s not going to give up that easily. Harry leans just slightly forward, forearms pressed illicitly on the table. None of the agents are in here anyway. They eat in the conference rooms, like respectable adults with people to kill. “But I have a very different feeling about you.”

Hamish’s expression changes. He pauses in his eating, lowering his spoon, hovering his face above the bowl. He sniffs. Then he takes up the bowl in both hands, holding it toward Harry.

“What?”

“Does that smell funny to you?”

Cautious, concerned, Harry inhales. Maybe this is meant to be another trial. Except there’s nothing. Nothing acrid. No bitter almonds. Cumin, but that’s nothing outside the ordinary. “I don’t smell a thing.”

“You don’t?” Hamish sets the bowl back down, and that’s when the mystique dissolves, replaced by deadpan. “Smells like bribe to me.”

You shit.

“I’m only trying to get to know you.”

For what it’s worth, he’s got Hamish engaged in the conversation now, whether or not it yields anything. Bemusement has the lad now, and he folds his arms on the ledge of table between himself and his supper tray.

“D’you know what I find interesting?” He points at Harry. “That you’re the one always after answers about me, yet I can’t help but notice that other than university, you’ve never volunteered so much as piss about yourself. When I’m sure I could just as easily be the one asking the questions.”

“Could you?” It’s not a challenge. He genuinely doesn’t know why.

Clearly Hamish does. “Oh yes. There’s plenty. Like how the fuck you knew about Kingsman before you were recruited.”

Oh.

Oh, damn.

“Mmhm.” He’s barely paused at all, and taken great pains not to react facially, and yet for Hamish, somehow, it’s enough. The smug thing’s got on a ‘checkmate’ look now. “That’s what I thought.”

Well, fuck it, then. “How do you know I knew anything before coming here?”

“Oh, you mean for starters?”

“Yes, I’d appreciate that.”

Hamish ticks off each point on his fingers. “You’ve never asked a single question of Arthur in regards to what’s expected, almost as if you’re familiar with how all this shit goes. You seem to know precisely what to do in any given situation, despite the fact you’ve spent the last four years in a posh boys’ dormitory watching other idiots wank and do cocaine off their midterms.”

“Well I hardly did that.”

“And d’you know what I’ve heard you mutter to yourself when you thought nobody was listening? ‘Make Mother proud.’ Now how the fuck could she be proud of what you’re doing unless both of you knew what it was?”

It’s rather uncomfortable, being read like this. Outside his childhood home, this may be the very first time it’s ever happened. He fidgets unconsciously in his seat for a moment. Were he a pettier person, this might knock a point of two off his new friend’s appeal, to be honest.

“I could have meant it figuratively,” he finally comes up with.

“You could, aye. But you didn’t.”

God damn it.

Harry sighs. “All right.”

Furtively, he glances each way, hunching closer across the tabletop. Just because he’s not remotely ashamed of his advantages doesn’t mean he wants the resident cavemen accusing him of unearned nepotism. It’d be terrible form to have to beat his competition unconscious. He looks Hamish in the eye.

“You won’t repeat a thing you hear?”

“My name’s on the body bag, isn’t it?”

It’s not the most reassuring answer on earth, but Harry doesn’t plan to give him the soup-to-nuts version, anyway. No one gets that. Not for a thing. He gets the abridgement, at least for the time being. If that’s not enough, he can kiss his ass.

“Fine. If you want the truth, I’ve wanted to become a Kingsman since I was ten years old. My mother was in intelligence.” Still is, but the past tense is an insulating feature of this version, the same as lack of detail. “A Kingsman agent once assisted her organization on a case; I happened to be shadowing her at her offices the day they met.”

“Were you, now?” It’s slightly insulting that Hamish is incredulous. And just the right blend of amused and unfazed to be irritating as hell. “You’re telling me even high-stakes intelligence has a Take Your Kid to Work Day?”

“No. It was only me. Mother was high-ranking enough that it was allowed, on the grounds that everyone knew she wouldn’t raise a moron. I was expected, by most, to join that organization someday. Secrecy was a normal everyday part of my upbringing. No one ever questioned telling me anything. It was a means of priming me.”

“And that’s how you met a Kingsman agent. Who just conveniently proposed you for the job nearly eleven years later, after openly admitting to a ten-year-old who he was.”

“Only by codename, obviously, and I was a special case; Mother was an internationally-respected VIP agent of one of the most vital—look, you’re the one who wanted to know, aren’t you? And now you don’t believe me?”

Chuckling, Hamish tucks back into his curry. “Nah. I believe you. You just make it so goddamned easy to fuck with you.”

I have no fucking idea why I ever liked you, you tacky, obnoxious, sentient little thistle. To hell with patience. Turnabout is fair play, and he’s going to have it now.

“And what about you?” Harry demands. “At least I had a reason to be secretive. How is it that you manage to evade your own story to make a guess at mine instead?”

Setting down his spoon, Hamish levels with him. He blinks. That’s not what he expected either.

“Because it takes one to know one,” Hamish says. “I knew about Kingsman before I was recruited too.” Then he lifts the wristwatch he’d been fooling with, turning it over to reveal its Kingsman emblem. “There’s a bug in this model. I know because I helped develop it. That’s what I was working on. I’ve been attempting to pin down the problem.”

It’s Harry’s turn to be incredulous. And he is. Very. The scoff practically bursts out of his mouth. “Please. You can’t even be eighteen.”

“I’m seventeen. I’ll be eighteen before the training’s over. That’s old enough.”

“How can you be sure of that?”

“That’s the minimum. I checked when I asked for consideration. And you’re not exactly collecting Social Security at twenty. Frankly I’d expect someone who got into Oxford at sixteen would understand a bit better.”

“Frankly I don’t know how you expect Arthur to allow an eighteen-year-old to play handler to the most elite agents in the world.”

“I don’t, not independently, at first. We’ve spoken already. If I win, he’ll shadow me for a year or so, observe, sign off on all my work until he’s confident. But it’s like you said. I’m here for a reason. I graduated secondary at fourteen with high honors in computers and mathematics. I turned down six international scholarships when I was offered the chance to be an intern in Kingsman’s tech department in Edinburgh. I signed my first body bag a long time ago.”

Absolutely none of that was anywhere on the list of what Harry expected. Several moments pass where he can’t think of anything to say. What finally comes out is, “I didn’t know there was a tech department in Edinburgh.”

“Aye.” Hamish picks up his bread. “They’re moving it to Berlin, though. So I hear. That’s me shit out of luck if I don’t get the job, I s’pose.”

They go back to eating. At least Hamish does. Harry stares. For a solid minute, if not two.

“You’ll get the job,” he says at last, quietly. “I…I never imagined…” He starts over. “Well. You must be fairly brilliant. I suppose I owe you an apology.”

Hamish nods. “S’alright.”

“Thank you.”

Spearing a piece of meat on his fork, Hamish blots off the sauce on his napkin, holding it under the table for Ainsley. It reminds Harry to do the same. Hamish shakes his head. “I can’t believe you fucking called him Mr. Pickle.”

He smiles as the rough little tongue laps his fingers. “Oh, I think he likes it all right.”

“The look on Tristan’s face was worth it, though.”

“Oh, yes.”

They do it again. “So, your mother, huh? The family business? No wonder you’re not concerned with competition.”

Harry nods. “It’s only a matter of who gets the job along with me; I must admit I’ve been hoping it’s you. You’re a good conversationalist.”

“I barely speak to anyone,” Hamish points out.

“Yes, well. I’m grading on potential.”

pt. V | pt. VI | pt. VII | pt. VIII | pt. IX

#Kingsman #Harry Hart #Agent Merlin #Kingsman: The Secret Service #Kingsman: The Golden Circle #fanfic #oh look Aud did a thing

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