YO???????????

honest 2 god what happened in like. spring. why did the dead poets society fandom suddenly exist for like 6 months

You know what since we’re still in quarantine and i have nothing else better to do, i need to obsess over ACOTAR. I don't like a court of frost and starlight. For the longest time I couldn't figure out why I didn't like it. I aggressively read the book in maybe a day and I closed it feeling frustrated and annoyed. My version had A Court of Silver Flames preview so that definitely contributed to my annoyance greatly.

It's because it felt too perfect. Everything that had happened -- after the entire war was fought and won, they just go back to their normal lives? Yes there were hiccups and yes there were still aspects that made every IC character feel like their problems aren’t solved yet...but it didnt feel right. yes i enjoyed the snowball fight between the bat boys, feyre + rhys sexy time, and those little comfort moments too, the slice of life type things and seeing feyre accomplishing her goals and how hopeful the future seems BUT its too fast. the good parts of the book did not offset the bad parts of it.

Feyre literally accomplished pretty much every single goal she made back in ACOMAF just like that?? within a span of what a few months? a year?? She really came back from an entire war -- probably the first war of many since she's immortal and just like that, after her 21st birthday: she gets a whole entire estate, wants to start poppin babies, opens her art studio and starts teaching kids and then acting like she can rule an entire court?? the timeline is sooo short esp since its been brought up over and over again how everyone is literally 500 years old and have a super “messy” history and their changes seems to come super dupe slowly. but feyre, who has only lived 0.000000002% of her fae life, is out here thriving just fine???

the war devastated thousands of illyrian soldiers where its changing the politics of the illyrains and the faes, all of whom feyre has responsibilities over too as high lady. the mortal queens are still at large who left the humans on prythian to die which is why feyre was willing to go to war in the first place! what about the rest of hybern and their land and residents?? they wanted to enslave humans for social and economical reasons! then what about integrating humans w deep hatred and fear with deeply prejudice fae??? there’s also spring and summer court who are literally in ruins. thats literally so much. so idk how feyre is just chillin???? she gonna let rhys do all the hard work???

like feyre sit down. u should not be having a baby. esp since it took u literally a 700 pages to heal from those 3 months UTM. ur telling me shes gonna whole heartedly bring in a newborn in a war devastated world, with civil unrest (illyrains, other courts), with the messiness of human and fae integration, with trauma u and rhys will have to continue to overcome esp after THIS war??? even helping ur sisters w their traumas??

this is a personal opinion on this subject (and maybe my thoughts will change on this later on; opened to other thoughts) but when i read the part about how that weaver/seamstress artist who made that dark quilt that feyre loved talked about how her mate of 300 years didn’t come back from the war and her biggest regret was that she didnt have a kid to remember him by i just thought ur kid isn’t some sort of memorabilia. don’t have a kid to keep the memory of ur mate alive; have a kid cuz u want a kid purely for the sake of having a kid. ur memories and photos and shit will keep their memory alive but its not having a kid. some primitive need to keep the genes alive maybe?? but the way it was phrased and then in turn how feyre was like oh i need  a baby pronto cuz rhys might die in the next war and regret not having a kid with him didn’t sit right with me. also the other couple were together for +300 years and have a rich life together, while shes been with rhys for literally two years THATS NOTHING IN FAE YEARS. thats still the honeymoon phase and also ur problems arent even close to being over!!!

everyone was shitty to nesta. in ACOMAF, we saw how much the IC went through and still did all they could to help feyre. what made them not think nesta deserve the same welcome? nesta is mean as a defense but did no one try to figure out what would help (amren got close but shes so under developed)??? feyre knows nesta feels too much and yet she continued to be shitty. continued to flaunt her wealth, her status, her familiarity/borderline know-it-all attitude about fae/night court, her ~estate~. forcing nest to the solstice party when nesta was literally like i dont belong, im looking at everyone through a window type of thing; the fire cracking triggering her, etc. what kind of power play was that when she made nesta come to her estate, where nesta could SEE how ~homey~ and how suscessful feyre is and fully see all the lovely paintings of everyone feyre loves that explicitly exclude her to tell her to fuck off to a war camp?? bro???? cas was a dick too and elaine was rude. i think a lot of his actions were meant to make her angry since anger keeps u fighting (as was the method of rhys for feyre in ACOMAF) but what he said was stupidly shitty and i demand that he apologize properly. elaine could have done more to help her sister but whatever. mor was definitely an ass too (and im upset for how little her character growth is). 

Lucein. that man can’t catch a break tbh. im happy that hes w the band of exiles cuz he is whole heartedly accepted there. feyre was definitely an asshole to him even tho he helped as much as he could throughout the books. he tries so hard w elaine as well and it did hit my heart a bit when she was like gloves to work in my garden?? no ?? i use my bare hands see oNly aZiReL sEeS mE fOr WhO i Am. and at the same feyre is like flaunting her mate status to lucein which is mean as shit. its like this man can’t find love in prythain. then tamlin sending him his box of his things??? thats for sure brutral. tam was literally his partner through it all; savior of sorts even. no love from IC, no love from elaine, no love from feyre, no love from tamlin, no love from autumn court rejected everywhere! also HIS TRUE FATHER?? HEllo??? 

then on tamlin. i pity the guy! was i suppose to feel that way??? it felt like he is allowed to get a redemption arc and maybe i’ll even root for a redemption arc??? i was absolutely excited for freysand in ACOMAF but after ACOFAS, im like tamlin is....not completely bad??? his relationship w feyre was bad and the controlling parts were very much a no-no. i dont truly understand the dynamics of an abusive relationship but i can understand that it can be insidious and its the little things that hurt the victim. and i felt  feyre through ACOMAF and rooted for her to escape her abuser! but then it felt like i dont think he was doing any of those things out of malice. ill say tamlin is a bad leader and doesn’t know how to run a court outside of what he sees his father do. his understanding on everything is based on the traditions of the past which i think fueled most of the things he did i.e. not telling feyre she was in danger since maybe his mom didn’t do those war planning things. ACOTAR showed how he truly cared/loved and took good care of feyre and her family. he even talked about how he didn’t believe in the enslavement of humans! i think that tam wanted to preserve what he thought was the good (aka feyre + her love of painting) and get back a sense of control that he and his entire court lost while chained to amarantha. but at the same time, i think he truly thought feyre wasn’t safe. he knows rhys can crush minds and knows feyre can’t read/write so when he got that letter telling him shes safe of course hes gonna flip shit and made a deal w the devil (although those temper outbursts were DEFINITIVELY not ok!!!). he also didn’t listen and has sense of he knows best when feyre was not the type of person. but feyre destroyed his entire court. he lost all his sentries who literally went out to die for him during amarantha’s reign. he lost lucien too; his trusted right hand man. his people were cursed for 50 years and then continued to suffer UTM and was in the process of rebuilding too!  but just seeing spring court, WHO BORDERS THE HUMANS, be in ruins where his subjects left him, his people left him and hes all alone in the manson?? that was sooo sad. so im like why does what feyre did not feel satisfactory????? im mad that it didn’t feel right??? maybe there wasn’t a point where feyre talked to tamlin -- like really talked to him esp w her new found voice and power, etc. anyways, i dont hate tamlin and was like oh shit i think feyre fucked up a bit there.

rhys is a dick to nesta. which made me think, if feyre wasn’t his mate would he extend the same love and care to her???  i loved how he tried so hard to make sure feyre was ok. made sure she wasn’t breaking! all of it! but for nesta, he had the audacity to use his high lord voice and be an ass overall. even tho he can see how cas is fucken in love??? even just how he talks to cass feels off too. 

i’ll even go as far as to say because of how terrible ACOFAS was, it created this intense divide within the fandom. i remember reading the first three books and was absolutely 1) rooting for freysand  2) curious about the sister relationship and how it will be mended 3) i definitely didn’t hate nesta nor did i hate elaine either -- but i was adament about them talking it out with feyre for those tough times 4) saw a more realistic and charming healing arc 5) was rooting for feyre to be a stronger voice and grow into herself 6) love the dynamic of the inner circle + feyre

but after ACOFAS, I have this intense need to defend nesta and was super mad at how she was treated after the war and in turn a deep dislike for elaine for both her lack of agency, lack of grit that made all the other characters interesting, and lack of care for her sisters (who showed how much they would risk for her). i dont hate rhys but i was extremely not happy with him and his attitude and behavior. feyre became more arrogant and was acting like how asshole rhysand would act. like her life is perfect now and i was not rooting for her anymore. freysand didn’t feel like they have complimenting qualities that made them interesting in the first place but rather they are merging to become the same person but in a bad way. that mind reading thing was cute in the beginning but it became insufferable since all thoughts were shared so seamlessly it made reading feel weird. 

anyways those are my thoughts on ACOFAS. it was a 1/5 stars for me and im mad those events transpired. reading the other books made me excited to know what was gonna happen and i was truly ready to accept the characters as flawed and nuanced as they are. im not mad about character not liking each other but i am mad that everything felt off. ACOFAS just felt regressive in some parts and forced in other parts. i know not everything ends in a nice tied up bow but this book single handily ruined what i thought about these characters in the worse way possible. this book wasn’t suppose to wrap up all the problems that exists in the other books but it didn’t feel hopeful like i thought it would. it didn’t feel wrapped up and didn’t feel like i should be excited about the next books. theres so many missing pieces i feel that i think need explaining and at the same time, i think it introduced too many problems at once which made it feel like its jumping around everywhere. although im still excited for ACOSF because i love nesta, and nesta deserves so much better and i want to have hope that this bad ending will either make sense later on or it was just a blimp.

meme taken from @girderednerve idk why tagging isn’t working

Are you staying home from work/school?  Well, as a non-essential business, my workplace (a retail camera store) got shut down, so I have no choice. I just had the joy of applying for unemployment along with the rest of the entire world at once, and it went poorly even besides the predictable can’t-get-through connection issues from overuse, because I realized my employer had my SSN wrong on my tax forms for years even though I asked them to fix it every year. So I may or may not be able to actually get any unemployment. I’ve been there eleven years and they fucked up my SSN when they changed paycheck providers four (five?) years ago, and somehow that means the Dep’t of Labor has no record of me ever having received any wages ever. *most elaborate shrug emoji possible* This is my life, y’all: absolutely worthless on paper. I love it!

If you’re staying home, who is with you? 

My dude is working from home, and he’d sort of thought things would fall apart and he’d be twiddling his thumbs but somehow he is super busy. Also, my cat is with me, and she ignores me except when I’m in the midst of frantically trying to collate forms. I shouldn’t complain, he makes literally five times what I do, so if his job is good, I won’t starve. I’m useless to capitalism, but he’s not, and he apparently likes me, so.

Who would be your ideal quarantine mate?

I mean, my dude. I’m not just with him out of habit, after all these years. If I’m fantasizing, though, he could have a better haircut than he does, and be slightly more horny than he is, and I guess have a fetish for doing dishes and buying me jewelry and lingerie, that’d be fun. But really, I have a rich enough fantasy life that all I actually wish is that he’d gotten his hair cut before society ended because he’s looking unflatteringly shaggy and it pains me, he is cuter than that.

Are you a homebody? 

To call me merely a “homebody” might be the understatement of the year. Being locked in my house with no commitments elsewhere is basically a fantasy of mine, and i only can’t enjoy it because of, you know, the thread of death hanging over everyone I love and the collapse of society and also my underlying anxiety disorder that means I couldn’t relax even if this was just all for funsies, somehow.

An event you were looking forward to that got canceled? 

I actually can no longer remember looking forward to things? Uhhh well I had a regularly scheduled trip to the farm, and I am mostly just consumed with anxiety over not knowing and not being able to help, rather than actively being disappointed in anything. Really though, we hadn’t even made vacation plans for this year so I don’t think I’ve lost anything by this, so I should be grateful for that, and am. There’s enough suffering without me being disappointed on top of that. I do mean that earnestly, disappointment is The Worst emotion because you can’t even, like, mine it for juicy inspiration in angst fics or whatever. (Am I the only person who does that? When I’m really in an actual tragic or like, emergency danger situation I catch myself observing it like an outsider so that I can later use it to vividly describe a similar scenario in fiction? Yeah disappointment is no good for that, it doesn’t even have that scrap of silver lining to it, it just fucken blows. My heart goes out to all of you who are disappointed about something, that super sucks cuz like, people are dying, you don’t even get to wallow in your sad about your concert or whatever.)

What movies have you watched recently? 

I do not think I’ve seen a movie since the star war of which we don’t speak. I’m not a big movie person and I regret bothering with that one. 

What shows are you watching? 

I am not a big watcher of shows but! in all this nonsense, I have managed to drag Dude into The Untamed with me and we are really enjoying how fucking bonkers it is. I also am enjoying how beautiful the people in it are, IDK if Dude is, he hasn’t said. 

What music are you listening to? 

I have really not been listening to very much music. I should probably rediscover the habit, as it tends to be calming. I haven’t been practicing banjo at all either.

What are you reading? 

ah I was so excited to buy and download @clotpoleofthelord‘s new book with the f/f parking lot small town drama and then I didn’t make time to read it. it’s so hard with the not going to work, to actually feel like I can sit and read a thing for fun! This is a good reminder to actually read it like I promised myself I was allowed to. Argh!

What are you doing for self-care? 

I am really not doing very much. Right in the beginning I was baking a lot but then that stressed me out. The only thing I’m indulging myself in doing is letting myself write Witcher fanfic, which I won’t deny is very self-indulgent, but like. I should probably, like, sleep more and maybe stop mindlessly scrolling whilst feeling guilty about doing so.

i am not tagging anyone but if you want to do a quaranmeme please feel personally invited to do it! I just saved that end text straight from @girderednerve​ (oh NOW tagging works?) because it was well-said.

03.27.20

It’s about 3:20 AM right now. I took a break from trying to figure Javascript, what a headache. I knew coding was going to be hard, but I didn’t think I would feel so stupid. Nevertheless, I will keep trying to understand it. I honestly just wanted to pause, and write about how proud I am about myself, about things I’ve learned. I can feel my vibrations and energy growing.

Covid-19  has become a global crisis, and I am trying to view this as somewhat of a positive experience. Now that there’s a bit more time to stop an think, I’ve tried to get creative with myself.  I’ve picked up new hobbies, old ones, I’ve dedicated time to bettering my education, instead of staying stuck, all while making money. One of my favorite quotes: “DON’T JUST EXIST, LIVE!” With a busy schedule, I appreciate my time with people more. Rather then living a routine on lock down, I get to think of new things I can do each day.

I will not lie, I miss having female influences around me, when it was me and the gals. Seems like all my friends are cuffed up now, and it is leaving a lot of time for myself. I can’t look at it in a bad way. I just need to embrace the fact that it’s new territory for me, not feel lonely, but rather focused. All this hard work will pay off.

With the world being on pause, there’s not so much noise from my daily life. This includes the judgement of others, having a need to stay updated in social media, daily life things that keep me distracted. In this time of quarantine, I feel like I have learned so much about the person I want to me. My perspective of things is slowly broadening. I love it. I love this feeling of slow personal growth inside me. I should accept who I was before even if I was not always the best person. No one on this earth, none of my friends know or understand the place that I came from, how I grew up, and the different obstacles I had to overcome to become who I am today. I am completely fine with that. At the end of the day, things like that should not matter to my real friends. Instead, what matters is the person I am today, my willingness to grow. I do not show a lot of my emotional scars for a reason. Those scars they have perish just enough, that I don’t notice it. There is probably only one person on this earth who has an idea of the abundant changes and elevation that this past year has done for me. The pain, loneliness, anguish, heartache, frustration, panic, ignorance, betrayal,  naive-ness, feeling of being completely lost, feeling of not belonging, all that I have been through. That person is Phillip.

As I was saying though... having alone time, being single while everyone is taken, it has been quite a nice time. This pandemic has got me thinking, reflecting, and making goals for myself. I remember when I had curfew, and Dad wouldn’t let me go out, I had picked up crafting, the art of making things. Those things were small little projects, and accomplishments for me. My little wins, when I was losing to life. These past weeks, I’ve picked up hobbies I use to do, and I am trying my hand at new hobbies... even though I am super amateur. For instance, I realized I have a camera sitting there, so I decided to pick it up, make use of it. I started hot yoga like what last month or so, and I cannot just give it up. I may not be able to do it every day, but I remember how good it felt doing it, so why give it up? Yah feel. People have asked me before what are my hobbies, besides AGC, gym, the basic stuff... and NGL for a moment I had to think about it. That’s not a question I don’t want to have an answer to. So here goes me trying to find new hobbies, discovering new things I love to do, and making a list for the things I want done.

For the first time in life, I know where I want to go without regards to who is in my life, what if they leave. For the first time in life, I think I am learning to fall in love with myself. I’m slowly loving the person I am becoming, and I will love the person I am meant to be. My center of attention is my family, my career, my education, ME. I don’t feel the need to please people anymore, I just want to please myself. I mean besides the patients I do work with. WHICH since we are on the topic of- working at a hospital, I kind of love it. Not necessarily my job since it can be slow sometimes due to working at a small private hospital. I don’t save lives, but it doesn’t stop me from helping others in small or big ways. When you think of hospitals, it has a negative connotation. I know what it feels like to be sitting in the chair next to your loved one in the hospital, hoping they get better, that they survive and win the fight too often. The feeling of grief sitting next to Mom when she was hooked up onto a much of machines with tubes sticking in and out of her. With that being said, I don’t take care of patients like nurses do, but the time I do spend with patients, I make sure to leave them with a smile. There are difficult patients, angry, sad, scared... you name it, but for some reason, I can resonate with them. I come in with a smile, I distract them through the temporary pain, give them some kind of emotional reassurance for them to feel safe. The patients like me, and to have made that small moment or short time in a place like that is a definite win for me. That is probably the favorite part of my job, yahknow besides preventing injuries. It has even inspired me to get a degree in the medical field, after I become a Full Stack Developer.

Never in a million years would I have thought, I’d be in programming. It is not easy 100%. To think and have a logic of a computer, not something I have... at least I am learning though. It is making me smarter, think outside the box, take things slowly, think of the steps to get something done. The fact that I have so much dedication to this, pat on the fucken back. 5 more months to go man.

I am so proud of the shit hole I pulled myself out of. I wish it didn’t have to take what it did, but I am getting out of it... Here are some of the things I have learned these past few months

-have your own opinion

-you can care and feel the emotions of someone else you care about, but that does not mean they should be yours

-give everyone a fair chance, but keep your guard up

-give yourself love, because it start by you loving yourself

-embrace yourself, reflect on yourself, because they add into your vibrations

-Don’t put others before you, because they won’t always do the same for you

-Only do what others would for you

-not everyone is going to want to be treated the same way you want to be treated

-PROGRAMMING IS HARD

-happy self is happy life

-having a Mentee is not easy

Ok I got some thoughts about The Selection movie adoption coming to Netflix !!

I don't know if it's just my quarantine brain talking but I am super nervous about this! I don't think I can verbally tell people that I fucken ***love**** the love story that is The Selection. The ups and downs of America and Maxon's relationship is so well done I am ***in love*** with their love. I also pictured them in a very specific way that is actually not based on their descriptions lol so having this real life interpretation is gonna drive a wedge to my fantasy and I don't like that!

But I think I am also tired of these love triangles that was so prominent in many YA stories (see twilight, hunger games). Those love triangles were pretty trash. The movie adoptions really don't do them justice. Like the boys they pick to play them are actually not good and sometimes can't act at all. Also usually the boys end up failing to match the star power that is the main girl. Since this series is all about a love triangle, it seems like this movie is going to go that direction. And I definitely do not want my favorite love story to be tarnished like that!

I am also hoping this isn't the same white washed drama that is so so over done. the book failed the diversity criteria and did even worse with the ONLY Asian character who end up making it to the final round. Like the author's description and behavior of Elise was awful and I skip her part entirely because it makes me mad cuz it was so one dimensional and just sprinkled with like pity compliments that it hurts to read.

Since it's going to be directed by a WOC I have high hopes this isn't just another white girl story and it can be something unique and truly telling a story that is engaging and challenges the expectations of what we assume to be the norm. This story is about a big palace and european-inspired formal wear and behavior and expectations which is fine I guess . But it's also about social class and power struggles and inequality and I think the book failed to really capture the struggles of the working class folks and really talk about the world outside of the beautiful palace so I hope that this movie would be able to change that. hunger games is a good example of writing a compelling social critique story while mixing in the romance stuff and I hope it's the same here.

Other thoughts that just popped into my head:

I'm gonna be hella annoyed if they don't pick good people for it. Since America is a red head, the choices are gonna be super narrow and I don't know any actress who have red hair that fits America. I'll be sad as hell if they pick some like 14 year old from Disney channel to play America. And then be more annoyed if the guy they pick for Maxon is like +5 yrs her senior like age gaps matter!!

I hope they acknowledge that Maxon isn't actually white. And he is played by a POC!

I am excited to see how they design the big beautiful dresses!! I am a sucker for beautiful ball gowns!!!

They better use at least one Taylor Swift song because the book basically embodies Taylor Swift's music! I made a playlist for the series and it's just filled with TS music. My (prob hopeless) hope is that they throw in Enchanted in the move.

I also realized I might not like it cuz it is about a 17 yo going through this massive dating game. I am old as balls now so I can't relate to the struggles of a 17 yo anymore and I think all teenagers are still dumb and can't possibly do anything until their frontal lobe is fully developed.

I also have hope this will be good or at least satisfying because Netflix did good with To All The Boys I've Loved Before.

Ugh there's so many cute scenes in the book that I feel like my heart will ***explode*** when I see it on screen. SO MANY CUTE THINGS AMERICA AND MAXON DO I LOVE THEM SO MUCH