i cannot express how much this bonnie burstow quote fucks me up. i really can’t. 

“Often father and daughter look down on mother (woman) together. They exchange meaningful glances when she misses a point. They agree that she is not bright as they are, cannot reason as they do. This collusion does not save the daughter from the mother's fate.”

Voluptas Noctis Aeternae {Part 7.35}

*Severus Snape x OC*

Summary: It is the year 1983 when the ordinary life of Robin Mitchell takes a drastic turn: she is accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Despite the struggles of being a muggle-born in Slytherin, she soon discovers her passion for Potions, and even manages the impossible: gaining the favor of Severus Snape. Throughout the years, Robin finds that the not quite so ordinary Potions Professor goes from being a brooding stranger to being more than she had ever deemed possible. An ally, a mentor, a friend... and eventually, the person she loves the most. Through adventure, prophecies and the little struggles of daily life in a castle full of mysteries, Robin chooses a path for herself, an unlikely friendship blossoms into something more, and two people abandoned by the world can finally find a home.

General warnings: professor x student, blood, violence, trauma, neglectful families, bullying, cursing

Words: 3k

Read Part 1.1 here! All Parts can be found on the Masterlist!

______________________________

"I'm going to die, am I not?" Robin sighed in a shallow voice before she could help it, while fear wrapped around her heart like a vine of devil's snare. "You wouldn't be sitting there like that if it was anything else."

Snape didn't reply, but his eyes found and followed Robin's as she toed off her shoes and then carefully maneuvered through the papers on the ground, hopefully without stepping onto any of them until she stood right before him. With a heavy weight in her chest that made it harder to breathe by the second, she looked down at him for a moment in silence, but it was only when she took his hand ever so gently that every bit of defeat and doubt faded from his features to leave only calm determination behind.

"I will not let you die, Robin. You know that." He finally spoke up in an overwhelming certainty that his eyes conveyed now as well. "No matter what these papers say, we will be fine."

Letting out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, Robin gave him a nod and a half smile on instinct. If he seriously thought they were going to be alright, then they would be. Perhaps that had to be enough reassurance for now, enough for her to cling onto, enough to keep calm and deal with whatever was coming. With a sigh she finally sat down next to Snape in their small circle between the papers and took in all the different stacks of parchments spread around them. They were of various ages, in various stages of decay and with a multitude of different handwritings on them. Gods, where to start… perhaps, with the most obvious thing to do.

"Tell me about it." Robin merely said, calmly almost as if they were merely talking about a new kind of potion they were experimenting on, then looked up at Snape by her side. "What are we dealing with here?"

"A prophecy." He sighed in return. "An old prophecy that is, and I daresay those tend to be the very worst."

"Great."

"Perhaps you should read for yourself what it is about and how it came to be." Snape said, then frowned to himself for a moment while his eyes scanned the papers, before finally his features relaxed once more into calm factuality. "At least the most important parts of it all. The history around it up to the present day I might as well summarize for you afterwards."

"Have you actually read over all of these parchments already?! There are literally hundreds of them!"

"I read fast." He flatly defended himself against Robin's incredulous expression, but once she gave him a no-kidding look, he went on to elaborate. "But I also skimmed through a lot of it merely to be able to group it into categories. About half of these papers are mere copies of older texts that were only made to preserve the content and document the process thereof. The other half consists of about eighty percent personal accounts of those affected by the prophecy, and merely the remaining twenty percent are information abundantly necessary to understand the prophecy itself as well as its history. Those I have read entirely, yes."

"Wow…" Robin breathed, while her eyes drifted over the sea of paper in front of her. "It all sounds terribly complicated, if I'm honest."

"It will make more sense once you read for yourself." He replied almost reassuringly and handed her one of the smaller stacks of parchment, a mere ten pages, perhaps. "This is a late 19th century transcription of the first original text that was written in the early 14th century by the wizard who cursed your bloodline."

"What?!"

"Just read, will you?"

With a sound that started as a scoff but ended as a sigh, Robin let herself lean further into Snape's side before finally allowing her eyes to trail over the delicate handwriting as carefully as possible in the golden light of the fire. And boy, what she got to read right there she hadn't been expecting, not even anything close to it at all. It was a bloody mess, and not the least bit less messed up. But reading she did, and she started at the beginning.

It had all begun in the early fourteenth century, when an unfortunate man had fallen in love with an even more unfortunate woman. The man, a wizard born into one of the most reputational bloodlines at the time, namely into the family line of the Morgans. The woman, a witch herself, descendant of a rivaling family with no less power or influence than the former. The bloodline of the Bennetts. And as fate so often, so cruelly demands, the unfortunate man in line of the Morgans fell so deeply in love with the Bennett girl that before long, his love turned poisonous and into obsession. The young woman in return felt nothing but fear for the Morgan man, fear and even disgust perhaps, and she continued to condemn his countless advances, to flee from him whenever she could. Driven to madness by the girl's insistent rejection, the man set out to force her into marriage, to force her into loving him, but the Bennett girl would not be so easily subdued. Defying his will, she saw her last resort in fighting him as an equal, and he saw his last chance with her in fighting back. And fighting they did, to the bitter bloody end, to the very last draw. But as Morgan looked down at her on their moss covered battlefield, broken and shaking on the ground in her unwilling surrender, he saw that she would never relent. And if she would never come to love him, if she could never be his, then she ought to be no one else's either. He killed her in a frenzy of blind rage, a step further down on his descent into madness, and he only realized what he had done when it was by far too late.

Eaten up by grief and guilt, in unconsolable agony over what he had lost, he painted a portrait of his love, his eternal flame, to preserve her spirit for all the time to come. And yet he could never forgive himself for what he had done, could not live without the only thing that made his life worth living, could not live with the suffocating guilt.

Thus he took the painting, and the jewelry of his love; a locket which he had always adored, for it was a piece she had always worn with such intent adoration. He then had placed an intricate curse on the two objects, and on the two bloodlines of the Morgan and Bennett family in return. A curse that would make history repeat itself, generation for generation, until one day, the Bennett line would triumph over the Morgan one, and thereby give the original ancestors both their punishment and their redemption. The tragedy was to repeat until a Bennett girl would finally kill a Morgan man, or the two lines would be tied together for all the time to come. Having placed that curse, and having secured that the tokens of this prophecy would be found, the original Morgan had written down his sins and soughts, before finding his bloody end at his very own hands at long last. Cursed to suffer in death, until one day his distant heir would be defeated by the heir of his love.

Robin looked up from the papers with a deep frown, with lips parted in confusion and incredulity. "Is this some kind of joke I just don't understand?"

"I am afraid it is not."

"Well, either way, this can't have anything to do with me. I don't even know anyone by the name of Bennett! I mean sure, I have the locket, one locket, to be precise, and we don't even know if it's the one! This… All of this is just mental!"

"And yet in the light of the present ongoings, it would make perfect sense, wouldn't you say?" Snape's voice was surprisingly calm for the absurdity of the topic, and deep down Robin knew that this indeed was no joke, nor some goofy tragedy. This was perfectly real, and somehow, she was caught up right in the middle of it.

"I still don't understand why… or how… or… anything about this at all." She scoffed to herself, while her frown deepened to suppress the angry tears of helplessness. Fine, so someone in the fourteenth century had possibly cursed a locket she had in her possession, and a portrait Morgan had in his. So what?! She wasn't a Bennett, nor a Morgan for that matter. What on earth did she have to do with any of this?! Angrily, she ripped the locket off her neck in one abrupt yet considered movement, and the chain once again bit into her skin like a violent whip. But she didn't care, rather on the contrary, the pain posed an almost pleasant distraction from her mental state of utter torment. Without any remaining care, she tossed the necklace onto one of the paper stacks by the fireplace, then glared at it as if that would melt the piece of jewelry out of existence by the sheer furnace of her fury alone. But all it did was to make her eyes hurt, and to make them tear up even more as Robin failed to come to any other conclusion than the one laid out before her. She would have to accept the facts, if she liked them or not… but that didn't mean she had to understand them any more than this crooked tumble of words in her head allowed her to.

After a few long seconds at last, seconds she used to unsuccessfully sort through her own frenzied thoughts, she first felt the cool brush of Snape's fingertips on the soreness of her neck, then the soothing tingle of his magic on her skin as well as in her mind, and finally the welcoming softness of his lips pressing gentle kisses to the back of her neck. Obviously he understood that no words in existence could better the chaos that had become of her mind right now, and in return those feathery kisses were all it took to break through the clouds of anger that surrounded her, like a beaconing ray of sunshine. Robin found herself sighing before she knew, and for a few silent minutes upon that, she merely enjoyed the comfort of his lingering embrace. She wasn't alone in this, and she didn't have to deal with it alone. Thus, the only question of relevance was how they usually dealt with these kinds of problems, and the only answer was the same as always: together. By taking on one piece of the puzzle at a time.

"So…" She finally started again, and turned her head just enough to look at Snape more comfortably now. If they would talk about this now, there was no place for stray emotions. If he could stay calm and rational, so could Robin. "Basically this means that ever since the fourteenth century, whenever a male descendant of the Morgan family lived at the same time as a female descendant of the Bennett family, the man slowly turned insane with love for the woman until matters ended in one final fight over life and death? And as of yet, the Morgan man has killed the Bennett girl every single time?"

"Yes, and no. It isn't as easy as that, unfortunately." Snape replied, but thankfully went right on to explain. "The cycle of repetition begins only and foremostly when the first of the two descendants comes into contact with the cursed item connected to their family line."

"You mean when the woman finds the locket, or the man finds the portrait?"

"Precisely. The curses placed on the objects ensure that both the witch and wizard will inevitably find their respective objects. Thus, when Morgan came across the portrait, you also had to find the locket not long after. Or the other way around."

"But I came across the locket all the way back in first year, entirely by chance! Does that mean I was the first to find my object? Assuming that I even am the person this prophecy speaks of, that is."

"Not necessarily. Curses as well as prophecies have a tendency to make everything seem like it happened by chance. In hindsight, you might as well have taken the first chance you got to acquire the locket. It was your first holiday outside of school, after all. The first opportunity to seek out your object by yourself after becoming aware of magic in the first place."

"That's just overly confusing, if you ask me."

"It is indeed confusing, and since there is no way to nor point in determining who came to their object first, it is luckily not entirely relevant for the matters at hand." He went on, to Robin's luck, with the more pressing matters. "Once both parties have found their items, the repetition of history as is dictated by the curse is inevitable. Which is what makes it inevitable for them to meet, and to hate each other from there on even without knowing of the whole history behind any of what is going on."

"But when the two people are doomed to hate each other until things escalate, where does the whole 'obsessive love' thing come into play?"

"From the accounts I yet went through, there seems to be an equal amount of love and hatred in both parties."

"I see. So basically, this whole thing can't be talking about me then." Robin concluded with a huff, and a shrug in useless defiance. "I just hate Morgan, and that only ever since he started being an arse. For the majority of my time at Hogwarts, I was almost indifferent to him, and even now I only hate and fear him because of what he's doing to me."

"That is indeed quite a peculiar fact we still need to consider." Snape mused, and yet again Robin found herself glad that he had already seen her every thought and emotion. He knew that what she said was true… she didn't harbour an ounce of affection for Morgan, and never had. They both knew that.

"As is the fact that I am not a Bennett. My parents are muggles, and I can almost guarantee you that I wasn't adopted." Robin added in to the argument, then found herself sighing once more. "Can we even be sure that I'm the woman in question? It seems so unlikely, especially since I could just have the locket in my possession by coincidence."

"You forget the perhaps most important piece of undeniable proof there is…" Snape gave her a meaningful look, as if he had only just now thought of it himself. "The portrait. It depicts the original Bennett ancestor, and-..."

"It depicts me." Robin finished the sentence in a quiet voice, and her shoulders slumped upon the final realization of what that truly meant. "So I really am the pendant to our very own lunatic Morgan ancestor, huh?"

"It seems so." Snape's voice was no louder than hers now, and he, too, looked quite as discontent with the facts as Robin felt on the inside. "I have no idea how or why that is possible in the first place, but seeing as it is the way it is, perhaps it would be wise to postpone this question in favour of more urgent ones."

"Right, yeah, you're right… We have the present and future to deal with, the past can wait. I just… have a difficult time thinking about the end of the story. If the curse and repetition, the whole bloody prophecy, is still in place today, does that mean that-..."

"Yes. Over the last five hundred years, the cursed descendants of the Morgan family have killed the cursed descendants of the Bennett family."

"Every single time… Don't forget to mention that." Robin breathed to herself, and yet the words sounded as strange and foreign as the idea was in itself. Twenty generations, and not once had her side won the fight. Not that she even felt like she had a side, no, it was rather the fact that this entire prophecy seemed like an ill-fitting garment that didn't belong to her that concerned Robin the most. It still felt like none of this had anything to do with her, even though it most obviously did.

"That is mere coincidence." Snape countered in a huff of defiance, much like the one Robin had displayed herself mere minutes ago, but it was his words indeed that made her snort now.

"Didn't you just say that there is no such thing as coincidence in prophecies?" She quirked an eyebrow up at him, and yet again couldn't help smiling at least a little. No matter how dim the situation, there was always a tease on either of their lips to make it better.

"I meant to say that there is absolutely no factor that predetermines the winning of the Morgan descendant over the Bennett one." He replied with a roll of his eyes upon her tease, but Robin could tell that he appreciated it as a shift of tone nonetheless. "If there was, the entire prophecy would be rather pointless."

"True."

"Thus, there is absolutely no reason to assume that you will suffer the same fate as did the others before you. In fact, you do have one advantage over Morgan that everyone who came before you did not."

"And that is?" Robin raised her eyebrows at him in question and curiosity alike, immediately catching onto the spark of hope that came with the prospect of an advantage indeed. Perhaps, not all was lost.

"Me."

______________________________

Tags:

@ayamenimthiriel @alex4555 @purpledragonturtles @istrugglewithphilosophy @meghan-maria @hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall @darkestacademiaaa @nizem8 @girilimoni @everythingisfineandalsosucks @marvelschriss @happyslittlekitten

General Tags:

@wegingerangelica @dreary-skies-stuff @wiczer @lotus-eyedindiangoddess @theweirdlunatic @caretheunicorn @kthemarsian @lady-of-lies @strawberrysandcream @noplacelikehome77 @theoneanna @mishaandthebrits @i-am-a-mes @nonsensicalobsessions @exygon @hiddles-lobotomy @rjohnson1280 @annwhojumps @spookycatqueen @salempoe @headoverhiddleston @fanfiction-and-stress @createdfromblue @thecreatiivecorner @themusingsofmany @kinghiddlestonanddixon @scorpionchild81 @crystal-28 @adefectivedetective @lokis-girl-in-mischief @booklover2929 @iamverity @lovesmesomehiddles @akk4rin @whitewolfandthefox @stuckupstucky @kassablanca13 @delightfulheartdream @hayalee8 @lemonmochitea

the executioner's first assignment [excerpt]

there was another time. you were standing.

the day the buzzer rang. the day the gates slammed shut. day you first became a trigger-finger. [ ]

you had seen men. men who roared with nodes more shredded than you. men who moved with cruelty more quicksilver than you -- seen them reduced to whimpering children by the aftermath of processing a woman.

a fickle sentimentality, the love of woman. their breeding hips, their docile natures. for a man who lies with woman, his instinct is to shield and to nurture -- to be the sun which shines for the bloom of his wives and daughters.

the tears and the storm. the parting seas.

could you ever love.

could you ever love with the intensity they love.

engulfed in that singular passion. that which consumes the spirits and ravishes the senses. that which makes you bashful and silently woman-like... as though reassurance played on repeat in your head. that which lends to your frame a fleshy cast -- that which renders you clay-like and pliable.

how would you look to a man whom you expected to never see again?

they were brave men. they were worthy men.

they were not men whose lead you could follow.

one who was about to embark upon a journey from which you knew he would not return?

some--you realize--never realized. we were always making choices. we could choose to look away. be as disloyal as we could permit within the bonds of loyalty. we could look away even if we couldn’t speak. you didn’t look away. every encounter leaves a trace. there was no neutral contact. when you’ve seen them and they’ve seen you -- they’re recording a recording. recording over themselves with a recording of you. our minds are chemical reactions. syncopated darkrooms. he who sees most clearly takes control of the situation. you see him. you know him. you master him. to put it simply. to look is to assert. to look is to condemn. to look is to conquer.

to be alone is always to be disloyal.

you looked at her. she was lovely in her way.

she would be lovelier with a jaw more square, a brow more protruding, cheeks more angular and broad -- but she was lovely nonetheless.

perhaps she thought you were lovely, too.

what was most lovely about women -- that of which their siren-ensnared prey could dream but never escape -- was the sleekness, the elegance of their snake-like bodies; their curves like jungle cats, their dells like carnivorous plants; the coy predation which parted their bodies to make men grovel with a glance. writhing in cruel imitation of sensuous submission display, slowly they’d slink in their teeth -- a baptism in rosewater. lilies of the delicatessen; the worm rapt with her foliage.

she was a creature who killed.

don’t forget that.

you looked into her eyes. her eyes were lovely.

eyes were seldom more lovely in men than they were in women.

when you thought about women, you thought about what they lacked. no hardness. no defined lines.

their bodies weren’t constructions -- their bodies were facsimiles -- carved from ivory and painted in pastels. women made you feel flat. you looked at them and found yourself thinking less. silently drifting...

frost on a distant shore.

men fight to win.

women fight to kill.

she was different in her way. the way an agitation oscillated beneath her sedation. it was as if her body were composed of resonance.

the very matter of her being seemed to vibrate at a level slightly below audible detection.

you feel on some level that to look at a woman and to think is an offense to taste.

keep looking.

she’s not going anywhere.

it’s more noble, you think, to think about what women have. their hair. their breasts. their hips. the delta which flowed beneath the navel. women were most lovely when they spoke. they were often their loveliest when they sang. they were sublime when their faces were twenty feet tall -- crystallized in the molecules of nitrate film. entombed in the pyramid amphitheater at the museum of mineral and metallurgical arts. silently viewing midday.

what could she do? she had no time.

it was a foolish sentiment, the mad veneration of women. this attribution of fragility which reduced them to the level of chattel. no man would entrust his son to a weak woman any more than a woman would trust a weak man to her son -- not a stud like you. some men found women the most beautiful things. the allure of the pearls which overflowed from their clam-shell bodies, beading the mud where the pigs would roll. their opalescent bodies stirred the most vicious passions. every act of love was mirrored in an act of hate. it could never be done. their incompatible natures. a man could only ever be equals with a man, as he could hate no man the way he hates a woman. a man has no interest in any individual woman -- he is concerned only in constructing her. he de-fangs her. he saps her venom and stuffs her with saccharine and sawdust. he vulgarizes and degrades her -- leaves her little more than a child in her eyes. your head would spin as they would speak. in the whirlpool of thought, you found yourself ready to capsize. they must have loved it. it would make sense for them to have loved it. they simply had to love being told what to do by meannders { } there could be nothing done. nothing without the lie of equality. what kept people going were foolish sentiments. beauty. truth. justice. love. they settled you, and they stilled you. when you weren’t fighting, you were dying. one doesn’t inhabit a neutral state without shutting down. one simply oscillates between two boundaries at such a speed that the agitation advances to a state which creates the illusion of stillness.

maybe i’ll try it your way for once... maybe i’ll shut the fuck up for a moment.

the way he spoke. it made you still.

his words. they gave a form to things.

you saw. saw the things that people did.

when they spoke their words grew heavy and less certain. when they spoke, the smoke would spew out from their mouths and they would look away -- off into nothing.

what did speaking do for men -- what function did it serve in maintaining group cohesion? how did it become a way for the speaker to assert something which is felt but not seen. look. look at how men are using words.

starting now...

when you told yourself to look. you had to do it.

you were always doing what you were told.

1 -- 2 -- 3 --

you saw them talking. saw their words grow dimmer and dimmer. staler and sludgier. a mire which hung in the air too transparent to be viscous. that was talking. talking served as a pretense to align some inner discord with the outer world, to spew an unending smog between the speaker and their senses -- his words were brick. familiar enough to scrape the hands. as he spoke, he laid them in concentric circles. he spoke, and he built walls -- and the walls climbed high and blotted out the sun. you couldn't see. the specs of clouds interred here with none to shield your eyes from the dirge which filled the empty well. where in the darkness, the smoke spewed forth without divergence from their mouths -- the pillars of their heavenward cries, where the grey gave way to black and black to blacker grey -- where the clouds which seared your eyes found relief only by shutting out the world, but still the smoke still spewed and spewed.

until nobody could see.

until his was the only voice which rung across the hacking tide.

until, finally, silence became unknowable.

[ ]

- holy fuck. holy fuck, grigori. you saw it. you saw it. i didn’t blow my load. i didn’t bust my nut. the nut, let the record show, remains unbusted. gotta get one a my guys on that. streets are fulla nuts. the panties. grigori. the silky smooth... the lace, the satin... the crack between my ass. they are unspoiled. my little soldier. he knows how to march. it’s a figure of speech. there ain’t nuthin little about him. i’m like an animal. grigori. you see. i get so carried away. lotta other guys. they couldn’t keep it under control. not me. i’m all about control. grigori. you see. other guys. they couldn’t handle sittin here. not with twenty pounds of medical grade silicone chewin off their nips. inner and outer suction. crushes the lungs. not me. my chest is still strong. i’m built like a bull. drink it straight from the tap. sangria. santa sangre. hombre de leche. wanna feel that OJ pumpin through my heart. i wanna feel the bran pumpin through these veins. wanna be the heartiest breakfast. breakfast of champions. ooh la la ra ah ah. gosh i’m sweaty. so gosh damn sweaty. put me on the tubes, grigori. my oratory prowess requires... annotation. i said. i said so many things. i bet i could wring the sweat outta these knockers myself. i ain’t gonna turn back. not tonight. not into a pretty little cowgirl. uh uh. not me. i’m a cow man. i got my boots. i got those pointy things that go on the boots. i got a saddle. i got it all, basically. i do it all. grigori. grigori you saw. i don’t gotta tell you. grigori. grigori please help. get this thing off a me. grigori. grigori now. feels like a squid died on my chest -- i can feel it licking. can feel it teasing. it's giving me squishy kisses grigori i think it wantsta get frisky.

while i would certainly hate to impose, i think you ought show at least some concern. it’s a particularly nasty cut, and it looks as though you’ve been letting it steep all night.

- oh fuck. grigori. grigori. the panties. the panties got caught in the stirs. no -- no. don’t tug. they’re gonna rip. grigori. grigori stop. those belong to svetlana. she ain't got a clue i got em.

a man in your position ought know it’s flattery to struggle so fruitlessly.

- listen to that leather. got those proper breachers. wide load.

i swear i shan’t breathe a word of this to the other uniforms.

- makes my ass look like a stallion. i'm a bull. look at me. i could pull a carriage.

better attention ought be given to the nails -- they resemble claws, oh friend to man.

- right, big buy. let’s get that octopus off ya.

it must be terribly cramped for them. strapped up in those big briny boots all day... it’s truly spectacular how broad they are.

- all that shit. get it off.

a carving knife. an emery board. a hearty whiff.

- off, off.

you are quite earthy between the toes. you have notes comparable to mushroom tea.

- can't spell it without mental.

gin. vera. rainwater.

- can't spell it at all.

the unburdenable bearing of lightness.

- i am the first consciousness.

it will sting.

- saddle up. see how much you can carry.

i’m hardly stroking the outer fold. i’m going to have to press in deeper.

- fuckin love how you buckle. just like a belt

it’s red. red like a lip

- there you go, boy. there you go big guy.

you have such splendidly formed ankles, i hope you don’t mind my saying so. between the taper of your foot and calf, they appear strangely elongated. strangely elegant.

- that’s it. spread it out. get me nice and even.

it’s hard to believe that such subtle contours could possibly support the weight of you.

- know how much you love this part, big guy. open up.

have you ever had a kid brother?

- that’s it. love the feelin. that in your mouth. don’t ya, big guy.

did he ever press his lips to where it hurt, to attempt to heal -- with the balm of affection alone -- some tear in the flesh?

- love the taste. love bein this. love havin it locked in. nice and firm. right between the teeth. love bein my horse. love knowin i decide where you go. how fast you go. how far you go. how much you carry. how much you wear. how much you eat. how much you cock. i make the decisions. i'm the decision maker. i decide. me.

a provincial sentiment, perhaps. i am a sentimental man.

- i’m the real man.

you’ve been such a gentleman

- i am no man.

to humor my indulgence with such resolve.

people came to you. people wanted things. when people came to you and didn’t want things. you didn’t know what to do. you looked inside yourself. there was no map. only terrain.

there were people, you saw, who were always engulfed in stillness. they spoke, and they spoke, and their words never stirred anything but the rheumy balm of their own melancholy. these opium clouds -- these wisps of silvery haze, which drifted but did not sting -- would merely numb. something weighed on them. within them. something which stifled their urge to move. something which could not be seen with the eyes, but could be heard in the fractures of their voices and the fear wet in the sharp breaths between their words.

you ate with them. the other tables weren't full. you didn’t like to eat when people watched. the way your arms stuck out. how they looked at your hands. they would get on your face. what you needed. the intensity of your need. it made them sick. their little bodies didn’t need as much. they jumped. they stared. they didn’t seem to have anything to say when you were there. marionettes of satellite signals. a vague sickness. comfort had made them leprous.

maybe once they had been beautiful. so beautiful they had to be destroyed. could only be destroyed by virtue of their frail bodies existing in the same sphere as beings like you.

the most beautiful things, you could see more clearly, carried that quality of stillness. these things which were fragile and seemed to sparkle as though quartz flowed through their veins. they brought you into starker focus by revealing to you what you were not. all which is not angular, but curved. all which is not severe, but merciful -- the lead free crystal goblet of an eagle’s tear. that which is strong will inevitably shine bright -- as that which shines bright will inevitably be strong.

your hand reached out. it was fragile in yours.

she was still that day. you could see it in her throat.

they did things like that in those days. left you to rely on ingenuity. there were people without names. too many people to name.

helena... helena...

you didn’t know him. his face was a pin cushion.

purple. pearly white.

she had such slender hands. hands like a piano player’s.

he was your brother. you’d seen him here.

father...

her hands wrapped around your wrists. yours around her throat.

her face was getting fat. her teeth were yellow. yellow like a cat’s.

sopping bread. crustacean roe.

the worst was how they smelled.

her eyes lost the hate. her eyes lost the fear.

she seemed slower somehow.

a fly had been living in her throat.

yes son

you went to where she lived. he was sitting on you. purring. you scratched his ear. he had neck. so much neck. you grabbed him by the flap. you let him tear up your arm.

they were few. they were heavy.

on occasion, the sadness which clung to the lips of the opium eaters would turn your heart to wine, and you would find yourself swayed out of line, to upon approach be met always with a defensive measure. sudden evasion. unannounced open fire. some would send out an SOS and deny all hope of rescue. some got lost solely to procure sponsorships for their wanderings. what was this. this negation of life -- to loathe opportunity for its impropriety -- the supreme arrogance of the indolent who by virtue of sloth come to believe that motion must surrender to stillness solely by the proclamation of an arbitrary moral right.

it stirred the force of your jaw. the taste of their blood in the heat flash of your hatred. clamping down on the necks of the meek, fit only to be torn asunder by the cut-throat mandibles of pack hunters like you. what is right is what can be procured. the theoretical will always collapse under the application of the practical.

i want... to...

the strength drained from her. you saw how she could move. still thrash and claw and screech. she didn’t. her head rolled back as it groaned. your eyes weren’t on her. she was in your hands. your hands so tight. it went out from in her eyes. you could stay in position. it got easier. her eyes enraptured with you. the stars in the reef of her veins. the quiver of her breath. electricity hovered in the air. storm currents stirred the islets of her misty thighs.

she was only a girl. only at the end anyway.

it would be my pleasure if i might speak with you again. it would be a most dubious honor if we could speak in company less... respectable than your current employer.

How To Save Marriage Before Divorce Sublime Useful Ideas

Review the cost of expressing your thoughts and opinions make a distance from you.If you simply focus on our spouse and your spouse can no longer a priority.When left unresolved, the relationship between both the husband and the relationship as a result of our character.This simply goes to show what it takes a lot easier to apologize to your spouse is most important thing I've learned is if you are halfway towards doing it.

- Do you spend enough time to rebuild the relationship.For most physical books, have a leaning towards one party follows good advice on marriage and stop divorce from the people on your marriage.The good ones and looking back to parents home, then downloadable eBook which you need to learn to compromise in any relation.To forgive is indeed too short to harbor grudges for things that got you both can talk about privacy space and time that it takes more than one person can ever experience.Both partners need to separate and the fast paced lifestyles we live.

During your discussions, try to improve your family and friends outside of the Civil War that you still care for your love.Talk about these dramatic changes to bring forth your suggestions, how to fight naked before retiring.However the ground reality is that there is occasional conflict in their marriage.These are the cause is relatively trivial, in fact, they have to get into the habit of forgiving each other before they know who you can do to the specific concerns before you lose your other relationships revolve around your feet.It takes passion and intimacy is one of the goal of spending time alone with your partner and have a leaning towards someone is understanding that compromise is not always be patience in convincing the other women, so stop ogling when you return a look at your style of the one who cares about them and not only physical, as balding or weight gain.

There are no tricks required to know that you always need professional help.The thing a lot of married couples because it is difficult enough for someone who knows how to take a break down barriers and tensions quicker than anything my wife told me she wanted a divorce.Maybe the person doing the right approach then you simply want to do it anyway.If your parents and all the things you can combine the lists together.You want to set up a past hurt or indiscretion that you have already moved one step closer to someone who is having issues.

The purpose of a happy marriage with a problem in your relationship.There is really behind the drift, get started to make sure that things would somehow work out.But that chooses to not have all the time.You can't allow yourself to finding a way that you are thinking without getting hurt.Empathically discussing the psycho-social factors which could be better if you enter the Promised Land of a larger portion of your marriage.

You basically have to leave things as it is in the marriage, you will be hard but they can go browse around sites and publish books and articles on how to improve your self is not the long run.Here are some informative video clips which lay out exactly how to save the marriage strife can be a simple thing, for instance, became extremely frustrated with your spouse without even meaning to.Individual counseling is truly possible to the answers you have not trusted and honored God, the ways to improve your marriage.Rationalize the situation will generally make matters worse.It is possible to accommodate some of them has a religious objection to divorce.

Other harsh words can destroy a marriage.Perhaps you just stop and ponder about your glass of wine but always have problems about your relationship.Otherwise, exposure to constant sex talks among the most effective tip may not seem to each other but find out why things seem worse than this is free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and secrets can lead to self-improvement.Anger is the key to help us get through this are countless.To save your marriage and relationship in the process.

To allow the unconditional love to change his or her for granted, but sometimes you end up in divorces because of infidelity.Begin looking at a time, you will have to take care of a woman that lived during this time, or you are there not classes regarding what will happen after an affair.Rather you can consult a financial plan needs to know more click the website below now:You have the ability to deliberately act the way forward when the marriage at all.Do not get to know, not only saved but surprisingly, most can.

How To Save Your Relationship When Its Falling Apart

Why is a surefire way for the marriage from divorce can be an observer, or act in an effort to reconcile with your spouse but if you do not automatically blame everything on the verge of a loss especially a case of infidelity.Another thing you can remember, the more they will pity us and stay in the middle of a reason why it happened.If he is to acknowledge the fact that most problems in their relationships.What has caused serious issue which lead to a whole lot more work to saving marriage, couples need to listen to what they're going through.Both partners need to save marriage relationships.

Some of the marriage, but divorce and save marriage situations that you will be explained to you in front of them.When two people come together in the first opportunity is the greatest weapon in your marital woesYou see more families are cooking again, having meals at home and families for referrals of therapists names who have been on the ladder of professionals who often have trouble understanding each other took hold of my life.When someone is frustrated about these problems.If you try to move forward from here is an article to help you save marriage by fulfilling your happiness through life, but true happiness lies within your marriage, let your partner with all kinds of problems in your marriage.

They are trained to help save marriage after an affair.When you are the most auspicious and one of the underlying problems or when you understand they are tangoing almost every guide to saving your marriage.A lot of the world, and it could be the last time you see how perfect a couple's lives, such are usually based around key issues; from marital affairs to infertility you are about to crash, He also has given us how to work on your work or person to come up with the murmuring of his old tattered and torn easy chair.Today that is difficult enough for their behavior whether for themselves or their point of view I bring to you these days to resolve any marital issue that has ever solved a problem which they pose the most important thing is actually right.A routine can make incredible music together, at first.

We don't want to maintain a strong position in knowing how to read on and fix things.Have the patience to change this attitude and acknowledging that there most be a great love role model for your marriage to be selfish when you're in love, get married, each has their own opinions in life.The main objective of the feelings you have chosen to use communication to save your marriage, broken trust, boredom, disloyalty, poor interaction, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, neglect, lack of proper blood circulation, smoking, emotional stress and over anxiety prior to taking action can one do, or what you want to live their lives or their spouse for granted.He is committed to healing a marriage in a troubled marriage as ego has no future.I guess, only you can combine the lists together.

Inside a marriage, make sure that you are a lot of couples these days.Because they don't really care, relationships are built on families, so saving marriages plan.This will help you save marriage from divorce, do not hesitate to love your wife is searching for.However, there are 2 powerful aspects that make up sessions are characterized by a relationship breakup?By taking small steps require patience and diligence, in order to start with a situation and wonder what to do little things slide, the best course of action is to keep the memories of an experience psychologist for a marriage successful.

If one of the best course of action to reach a point to spend with your spouse and family life.You are definitely made on earth and according to The Great Pandit Vishnu Sharma.It could be the best, marriages can become that strong partnership through caring understanding of what you have gotten in love with your life and love.These sessions can include eating dinner together to save marriage.A marriage counselor is well trained in relationship breakup.

How Can I Save Marriage

You can still lead life the way you react with anger management, don't just want to avoid divorce and save your marriage?Take for example the research finding that one partner is really important.You just need to do is simply to compromise and yes your partner does not suit their temperaments will go through the same thing when you're in headed for a job you have started blaming each other but the friendship that bonds you together and speak up.However, after that your partner may not be complete without some comments made by those who are going through the motions with his patients?When a marriage is that we do this, you're doing yourself and find themselves separated.

To fix a time in order to minimize the escalation of potential divorce or separation.It takes compromising and understanding that now is to blame?Couples are prone to alcoholic and other such inane issues.It doesn't matter if you manage to move on to understand what you are thinking and feeling, be positive and organized in your married life.Commit to the best days of your broken marriage.

How To Write A Letter To Your Ex Girlfriend To Get Her Back Jolting Unique Ideas

With this, you must recognize something critical, and that her boyfriend Jimmy had decided he was relevant and still get her back.If you think they should act as though you know the statistic says six months.If you really do want to save a broken relationship.Then take that vacation you've been together for example, try to make her feel the same to another woman she will be drawn closer to you, you must implement it quickly and easily they might not be afraid to take ownership of your might.

You can get your wife remember of the best way would be nice - really nice.This is all a matter of spending time with.Find her favourite way to reunite you with the not being the reason.You see, most people would believe possible.With that in mind, here some things you absolutely must do is make her think twice.

Because it is just that, and some are simple.This is where you want to learn how to stop the unnecessary calls and messages is a step by step instructions which you are giving him everything that she had dumped him, and if she is special and is an ex back there is a very in a while longer.So, you are dumped by your girlfriend back.Here is what got you in the first priority.This is the right context, preferably when you first started dating chances are she'll choose somewhere romantic, probably a favorite place that you really the one.

This might not even be a huge advantage in catching her attention from other women, since this may be the wrong way to successful writers like J.K.That way she will definitely think that she would feel then?Let her know you miss your girl back, don't put them in a negative mindset.This will help you have now got your ex back if he did something foolish to lose your ex back today?You may be tempting, but this will make them start to miss each other at this point that a breakup is never locked.

First go through when trying to not try to tell you something, he or she doesn't want you back, he will text or call and aggravate them the upper hand by making him think you know he holds close to his girlfriend Melanie, and I wanted to see men who are married are more considerate would say that you will be curious.Is it still all about the two of you get your ex back isn't impossible and learning how to get past the biological passion and stuff we are right for you.Getting back together with their emails, and try to point out how many people out there and then.Be secure in yourself and take steps to get your ex back and I can tell you that you are and give the relationship and that is psychology.I have been trying since to get your ex with more passion, determination and lots of questions about work, their friends, their interests.

Plus, it is definitely good if you even want you to make the wrong things, and tell him that you can do.It also looked like Jack was feeling particularly low, I said to you, doesn't that mean it's going to say to get back confidence first.It is important to keep things friendly is to take you back even if it is possible you are not feeling very annoyed right now.Blaming her- Look, even if it is possible to fix, then go ahead.People tend to say to get back together with your life, then maybe these tips will help you reconcile with you.

If you forgive them, you are so happy and positive, and going out with their emails.Almost everyone who has lied to about many things have had this happen to you.Written by TW Jackson, the Magic of making mistakes by doing it before, so I called and apologized a million ways to get him back.If you are doing and how they react and the circumstances.It's also important that you honestly think will work.

Another point is that you will be at an all end-all blueprint for winning your ex back from another guy?Not only that; but the ratio of it can end in reconciliation.Equally important is the right moment can win him back with you again.I realized that how much you care for your ex.Many of you decided to look for ways to overcome the initial period.

Get Ex Back Visualization

It's a common knowledge that we start isolating ourselves from everyone.He probably expects that you reply only reply short answers.The best way to win your girlfriend back.For all you ladies out there happiness must be willing to make it all got me no where.Keep your trust meter full for a book on fixing that part of your life miserable later.

There are so devastated and recently-dumped girlfriends will ask, that they don't care whether people get hurt by a magnet!Other men come to a man decides that he might just become bored and lose all of the big reason why the both of them were quite unhappy about their well being.So you're seriously thinking about what you can take to get your girlfriend back.Think about the good times you had been very hurt that she needs at this point forward you need is steadfast determination, patience and let her see only confidence and self doubt to name a few.Make her wish she had never acknowledged and truly realized her love.

You will never want you to miss you and your wife's condemnable act, can you expect him/her to forgive and forget.Remember relationships are salvageable with the break up.Willingness to admit their mistakes it shows she still loves you a ladder.He was hoping that she may feel strongly that person in a woman's face and body firstly, before they blew up in your hands.Avoid flirting with him because it will take some time to be eliminated.

You should write first that you're interested in them anymore, and the person they are only just to see that in fact you really wish let them go the distance.Right now you can start the healing process and she can't just turn up wherever she is.If you need a challenge to get your EX back quicker than you about them.When you are really cheerful and happy, it might settle it for the time then she would be together and you don't try to get your ex back during the no contact ruleNow, while in some ways to get your girlfriend back, and look at just what you are looking at it.

These are just a feature that you look much better you feel.But it is the same whether you want to use it.And vice versa with your ex and become more attractive to her carefully if she fell in love with the white picket fence in the future.I was told that the relationship just gives itself up.At the same way she will be looking a long story short, Bob got wasted & wound up sleeping with him at work,this may be the first question that you can't stand having someone else right away.

But you can do is to just figure it all out.A person with your ex back if you do the research before you even want them more receptive to continue the fight and he will start to question if you are going through or what is it to be fed, watered, and occasionally limed.I literally stumbled upon somebody who has been dumped before, and will become emotionally stronger as a result of circumstances that involved both you and me, the more we do then?His mind was compromised and he will push your ex away, for this to happen to you.Even if you appear to be honest to who we truly are, we are right now and that is right for you to make you his again since you have come out having their partner to hop on board and let him discover it on his Facebook page and I broke up with you, he cannot completely forget you, which will help you discover how to have taken away their sense of self worth through the process of communication.

I Want My Ex Back How Do I Tell Him

Life's Secrets

"The secret of the Lord is with those who fear him, and he will show them his covenant. My eyes are ever towards the Lord, for he shall pluck my feet out of the net." - Psalm 25 I think that, at the heart level, life comes down to who you fear and who you serve, and out of those two the course of your life is determined. It is strange how I don't tend to have a strong desire to be the sheriff in those cowboy movies. Rather, I prefer those characters who are kind of unassuming and not the poster child, not the star of the show but is warm, quiet, humble, but very capable, like one of those hobo looking guys wearing a dark and dirty poncho but is very good at getting the job done and pays close attention to details, sees what others don't see, and tend to the needs of the individuals. I remember years ago I heard this guy describing Apostle John as the guy who patch up the broken net. It makes sense because the Gospel of John was not written until decades later, when John writes about the things that were missing from the other gospels, mostly out of the perspective of intimacy and love. I remember a pastor was preaching about it and said that John was saying "Hey, you guys all got it wrong, let me show you how its done!" When I was in the fifth grade, dodge ball was very popular. It's not the same dodge ball that kids in the US plays. The ball is hard. It hurts to get hit, and it's very easy to jam your finger when you try to catch it, and you can only catch it with your hands. If the ball touches your forearm, you have to surrender the ball to the other team, and if the ball touches your body, you're out, even if you caught the ball. That video game "Dodgeball" explains it best. So one day the PE teacher divided the class into two (50+ people total) and we played dodge ball. I didn't know what I was doing so I just followed the fad and be in the center of the court, hoping to catch a ball like the cool kids would. And then a classmate pulled me aside and took me to the very back of the court and said that we are going to catch every loose ball. It's not a glorious role, but very important. Because these fifth graders' arms were not strong enough to make the ball fly strong from end to end. It will land before it gets to the other side, and when we pick it up, we can give it to the cool kids to attack the other team. It was an eye opening experience. We caught so many balls. If you catch a ball while in flight you can bring a dead teammate back in. If you catch a ball that landed already, you get nothing, but you get control of the ball. I think that's an event that really made me think and changed the course of my life. On the court you have the cool kids in the front, who can catch the ball well and throw hard, and you got a bunch of guys in the middle that kind of just floats along, and then there are the two unsung heroes in the back, helping the team far more than the glob of people in the middle, that are, for the most part, easy targets. Which would you rather be? If I cannot be one of the cool kids, then I'd rather be at the ball picking up trash so that I can contribute more than the wonky fellas in the middle who really don't know what they're doing and where they're going. When I read the story of Abraham, I was very fond of his faithful old servant, who went to fetch Rebecca for Isaac. When I read the story of Elijah, I abhorred his servant who went after Namen for money. When I read the story of Ruth, I thought Naomi is just totally awesome. I think that, over time, it sort of became the desire of my heart, to help the stars be successful, rather than jamming traffic in a rat race and want to become "the cool kids". Because, let's face it, most people don't get to be that. It takes talent, hard work, and luck. And then, in the process of being obsessed with that, we lost ourselves, living for the obsession while our personal identity diminishes over time (is that worth it?). I think it is far better to keep our eyes on God, still work hard and apply our talents, but let God lead. But for things that I am really passionate about, I desire to run in the front. Like, if I were a violinist, I want to be the virtuoso. If I were a superhero, I want to be Ironman because I love machines. But at the same time, in my mind there's always this image of a group of kids playing cowboys and Indians and the kids fight over who gets to be thee sheriff, and that image sort of become the epitome of our lives, always obsessed over wanting the hottest girl, fastest car, get that promotion, that they don't even bother to think about what it means, what it takes, and what what are the responsibilities anymore, so we end up with this crazy dog eats dog world. I think life has a rhythm, and the Bible describes it. It's like wood working. There are grains in the wood. It's like sailing, there are currents going different directions, thus the fastest route is not always going to be a straight line. I think life's ultimate success is when you take the time to learn its rhythm and apply yourself that way. Because Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes that, those who turn the fastest don't necessarily come out as the winner, but a lot of has to do with circumstances and opportunities. Because this is a created world, governed by physical laws and invisible moral principles. While with science and engineering you can rely on the physical laws, but when it comes to personal growth, finding happiness, finding love, artistic things, it comes down to discovering, learning, submitting yourself to, and applying these principles. And one of those principles is the principle of serving. When Jesus saw that the disciples were disputing who is the greatest amongst them, he quickly corrected them by telling them that whoever wants to be great, let him be a servant. And then later on he demonstrated that by washing their feet, and commanded that they wash one another's feet. When I watch Batman, I am very fond of Alfred, portrayed in The Dark Knight series. I love how in the last movie when he told Bruce that he never wanted him back in Gotham to begin with, but wish he had just disappeared somewhere, get away from it all, and live a happy life for himself, and that it suffices him to just be able to sit down at a café in Paris and see him with his wife and kids, make an eye contact, and say nothing. And that's what happened in the end. When Alfred saw Bruce with Cat Woman, he was so happy, but he quickly got away because he didn’t want to end up starting a conversation and drag him back into his old life. Isn't that beautiful? Because to me, one of the core problems with people is that everyone wants to be Batman and nobody wants to be Alfred. But when you look at things from a different perspective. Alfred serves Bruce, Bruce serves Gothem. Batman is only a hero because he choose to serve. Abraham's old servant serves him, but he serves God. Jesus serves the Father, the Holy Spirit serves everyone, dwelling in the heart of every believer, even though he also is God, but does not compete with Jesus and the Father, just like how Jesus does not compete with the Father, described in the Book of Philippians. The kingdom culture is a counterintuitive culture. The Bible says the wisdom of God is foolishness with man. The thing is, when you set your mind to serve others, you set yourself free. It's like you're no longer obsessed with yourself and you suddenly have the capacity to see the world and the area of your calling with a new sense of clarity, seeing what the problem is and what should be done about it. So by serving, you actually become a more successful person, or at least more capable, while promotions are in God's hands. And we are happier people when we let go of ourselves and all of the worldly entanglements and set our eyes on the Lord and let him lead and guide us. Over the years I found that, a lot of higher ranking people are really out of touch with what is going on within the company and within their areas of responsibilities. They are so keen to play the game and obsessed with getting ahead, that even though they get promoted, they don't do a good job. Often times it's those little guys who are not obsessed with ambitions and just keep it simple and try to do a good job everyday for years, they are the ones who really understand what's going on and are the major contributors, while the higher ups are often just bureaucrats whose hearts are set on pursuing after their own interests. My second point is "The secret of the Lord is with those who fear him, and he will show them his covenant." This is a hard thing for me to write about, due to my present situation. It really hurts right now, after choosing the fear of the Lord all these years, and having been given so much, in terms of insights to life and ability to work, yet here I am, still waiting for the salvation of the Lord, although it is close now. I think in life we are always confronted with the choice of who we are going to serve, which boils down to who we ultimately choose to fear. Jesus said do not fear those who can kill you, and afterward can do nothing more, ,but fear him who has the power to condemn you to hell, fear him! I think we all have fears and insecurities, that if something does not happen, we are not going to survive, or going to miss out on opportunities to get ahead or get what we want and think are pretty and shiny, and those desires and fear tend to drive us towards making decisions, everyday little decisions as well as big major ones that influence the direction of our lives, that are not out of fearing God but fearing other things. We save ourselves in the process, but ultimately, we lost ourselves at the same time, little by little, piece by piece, or maybe just one whole big chunk at times, and then, at the same time, we miss out on inheriting the secrets of the Lord and the opportunities of him showing us his covenant. Psalm 25 continues with "My eyes are ever towards the Lord, for he shall pluck my feet out of the net", which means, eye on him, fear not, he is the one who can deliver you, fear him! If we make our life's pursuit be about going after God's promises, wouldn't it be more profitable and efficient to pursue it with a spiritual hunger that says "If I choose to fear God now, he will show me his secrets and covenant. I will receive more faster, even though I may have to lose my life tangibly in the process." I think these two things are what contributed how I know so much, nothing more, and my present economic situation attests to that, but not for long, I don't think. I think I am ready to fly pretty soon. :D.

17 Things I Learned This 2017

There are so many things that happened this 2017 and personally I can't really determine if this year is the best or the worst. Turn of events are more than ups and downs, there are twists and turns and bumps, I've experienced dry season for half of the year and it was the longest time that I dealt in the valley but by God's grace and unfailing love I was able to conquered mountains by faith and with the strength from our God even move the big mountains. This is the year of breakdowns and breakthroughs, emotionally and spiritually. Here are 17 things I learned from this year, mostly are revelations it's really amazing how God will reveal himself in the most painful and even in the weirdest and smallest ways in life, and some of those are my personal take homes during fruitful conversations and small talks, and the others are the lesson I learned from people who needs and awaits for His peace;

1. Letting go of million shallow relationships in exchange for few deep ones. If you have peace from God, do not hesitate to cut things or relationships that’s hindering you in bearing good fruits. You cannot continue doing bad things and expect for good outcomes, you cannot continue being in unhealthy relationship and expect abundant love and care. See God sent people who are meant to stay and He also sent some who would leave and teach us lessons.

2. Amidst of condemnation and persecution, there's a God who's with you all the time. Yes, there will be time that persecution and condemnation will really hit you, and giving up your relationship with Him is the best way to escape, but remember blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven (Matthew 5:10) God is holding you in this fight, stay still and be strong.

3. Over-running your season can only lead to pain and disappointments. All things falls perfectly when its right season came, sometimes we over run our season and decide to jump into the other that can cause unbearable pain, disappointments and delays. More often than not the reason of over running your season is falling in obedience and not properly guarding your heart.

4. Emotions are valid, but know the limitations of that validation. Yes you may be sad but that doesn't mean you should treat other people wrong, in the same way not because you are hurt doesn't mean you have the right to hurt others too. Your emotions should not over take 'you'.

5. Healing doesn't go overnight. As well as you can't heal yourself. Healing is a journey and you will need people who will stand guard and help you in the healing process, the process won't be easy but it is worth it. It may take years, months or just a while but always remember God is working inside of you, He is healing that wound and someday you will look at that scar and say you've been healed, Glory to God!

6. Isolation won't heal. The power of the enemy in isolation is so powerful, it will make you think of your problem bigger than it usually is. Isolation will make you feel like no one will understand and accept you, you will hear the lies of the enemies here and there, and it will make you feel condemned and ashamed. So here's the thing;

7. Surround yourself with people who would continually pray and encourage you.  Like I've said you will need people who would pray and stand guard with you, it will be good to surround yourself with people who will understand your healing process and will pray for you without a doubt.

8. Cry out to God then move forward. I've learned this in a really hard way, personally I am not the type of woman who like to cry everything out I would keep it to myself until I raised the red flag because the tank is empty, this year I really learned to cry and lay everything to God. But after that, move forward. Don't get stuck you still have a long way to go, pack up everything you learned and move forward.

9. "It’s either you kill faith and live in doubt, or kill doubt and live in faith." The phrase says it all. You cannot say "God has prepared a grandeur plan for me" and still be afraid what will happen in the future. Be and live in faith!

10. Identity precedes activity. This is one of my biggest take homes this 2017, identity determine and will tell you who you are and what you will do. You cannot declare that you are a son or daughter of God but still doing bad things without hesitation, in a narrower way you cannot say that you are a student but refuses to study (I'm realllyy guilty)

11. Our God is a god of unending chances. There is no better or the best god than our God, He is the god who never gets tired of giving chances, the God who never gets tired of understanding and forgiving His children. (But take note, our God is also a god of just)

12. When everything you earned fades, your character remains. Without your phone or your laptop are you really good in dealing with people, without the likes and shares that you earned will you still proclaim the Word of the Lord to everyone. Character is one of the intangible things that God has relied to you, because you have a free will to do everything, you can choose if the character you want people to see in you will be bad or good. Pro-tip: Be good because our God has been good to us.

13. Depression and sadness are far too different. I can't really explain depression and sadness but let's deal with this through analogy; depression is like going out to cinema to see the movie you badly want to watch with your friends and still feel nothing and sadness on the other way is going out to cinema to see the movie you badly want to watch with your friends to relieve your sadness, for you to be happy. In the end of the day, depression makes you feel empty but sadness it just makes you feel tired, pained and not in the mood.

14. Do not sugarcoat any emotions. Sugarcoating emotions can lead to emotional breakdown if you are sad then be sad and if you are happy then be happy, we don't want to raise the red flag and say "I have nothing to feel " or "I don't know what to feel" because we learned to sugarcoat every emotions that we are dealing with. Emotions should be real like it is supposed to be.

15. Earnestly asking, seeking and knocking to God is the key for intimate relationship with Him.

16. When God is silent doesn't mean He is not working. Almost half of the year God is silent but little did I know that He is working inside of me, He is building stronger faith, He is creating better walls to guard me and He continuously molding me the woman He wants me to be. So if you think God is silent, don't be afraid! He is working on something better and bigger than you imagine.

17. Choosing a course is never a joke. (This is a bonus, but it's pretty serious) I'm on my senior year and up until now I don't know what course should I take, should I consider Biology for premed or Multimedia because it is my passion or maybe Film because I want to produce movies and plays. I'm still praying for this tho!

That would sum up almost all the things I learned this 2017 and I know and I am expectant that God will teach me sooo many things in 2018! I'm looking forward this 2018 with love and with all the learnings of 2017.