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cdyssey · 3 years

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Regret

Summary: When Fran doesn't come down to breakfast after spraining her ankle, the whole house is concerned for her—especially Niles and Mr. Sheffield. Set after "An Affair to Dismember."

A/N: Okay, so I've binge re-watched nearly four seasons of The Nanny in four days, and had to get at least one fic out of my system, lmao.

Fran Drescher's acting in "An Affair to Dismember" when she suddenly broke while talking to Maxwell made me sensitive. ;-;

AO3 Link

—

Breakfast is a remarkably boring affair without Miss Fine bursting through the door, raising her arms in a floral robe, and proclaiming, with signature adenoidal stylings, “Good moooorning, everyone!”

The clink of silverware, the scraping of ceramic plates, the ruffling sound of Mr. Sheffield anxiously attacking the New York Times like a new Andrew Lloyd Webber play has just dropped—all of it is so terribly drab that Niles spends the first fifteen minutes of her pronounced absence coughing loudly in the hopes that his employer will pick up the hint to do something about it.

“Oh, do go get a bloody cough drop, old man,” he finally snaps, smacking his newspaper down on the table. “You’re driving me mad.”

“Sorry, sir,” Niles arches a brow as he refills Mr. Sheffield’s coffee mug. “I have asthma.”

He turns away to replace the coffee pot on the side table.

“And half a mind to kick your tetchy derrière,” he mutters under his breath.

“What was that, Niles?”

“Nothing, sir! Just saying thank you for your attentive care.”

“Dad,” Master Brighton thankfully interrupts, “where’s Fran, and what have you done to make her mad this time?”

Niles immediately turns around again in time to see his boss’s shoulders straighten in that way they often do when he’s indignant.

Or guilty.

Or some mixture of them both.

“I beg your pardon, Brighton,” he replies stiffly. “Why do you immediately assume I’m the problem here?”

“Process of elimination,” Brighton shrugs. “Fran’s not mad at me, Maggie, or Grace, and Niles is one of her closest friends.”

“You’re so astute, Master Brighton,” Niles smiles wryly as he moves to the left to get a better view of Mr. Sheffield’s face. The vein in his temple is beginning to throb, which is always a good time.

“She hasn’t dated anyone recently,” Miss Margaret pipes up.

“And she’s always fighting with her ma,” Miss Grace adds, “but that's never kept her from Belgian waffles before.”

“So, Dad,” Brighton grins, patting his father once on the back, “unless our math is wrong, that leaves you.”

“Goodness me,” Mr. Sheffield mutters, angrily stabbing a piece of link sausage with his fork. “I didn’t know I was in the presence of the lost Hardy Boy.”

“So you did do something!” Margaret exclaims.

“No! I bloody well did not, Nancy Drew. For your information, Miss Fine accidentally hurt her ankle clubbing last night with Val. I don’t think it’s broken, but I’ve called a doctor to come by just to check.”

“Tsk, tsk. And you didn’t offer to pick her up Cinderella-style and swoop her downstairs so she wouldn’t miss breakfast?” Niles asks chidingly, only to be greeted with a nasty glare.

“Yes, I did offer to bring her down to breakfast as a matter of fact... but Miss Fine seemed strangely subdued when I spoke to her through the door... I didn’t know what to make of it to tell you the truth...”

Mr. Sheffield’s brow contracts as he searches Niles’s face for an answer, and Niles stares back just as studiously, observing the profound concern in his employer’s dark eyes.

The gentleness.

The romance.

The stunningly oblivious care.

Niles sighs fondly.

Unlike Miss Babcock, he’s never had the heart to kick poor puppies when they’re down.

“I’ll bring her Advil and a fresh ice pack,” he promises. “Perhaps some pain relief will help her to regain her spirit.”

“I hope so,” Mr. Sheffield replies, self-consciously turning to his plate again, the tips of his ears rather pink. “I hate when Miss Fine isn’t feeling well.”

“Here, here,” the whole table concurs.

—

Twenty minutes later, Niles is at Miss Fine’s door with a silver tray laden with all the essentials: painkillers, an ice pack, a mug of coffee (milk instead of cream and extra sugar), and a copy of the new edition of Gloss. He lightly taps on her door with the side of his loafer.

“Miss Fine, can I come in?”

“No,” comes an immediate and sharp reply. “I’m not dressed!”

“How discouraging,” Niles sighs smilingly. “What ever shall I do?”

“Suff’a, and at least give me a minute to find a brassiere.”

“Oh, we’ll be here all day then.”

He hears a strange thud, a collection of evaluations (“dirty, dirty, slutty, Maggie’s, dirty”), and an assortment of Yiddish curse words he now vaguely recognizes from being friends with Miss Fine for nearly four years now. And then finally—

“Come in, Jeeves, but shut the door behind ya ‘cuz I haven’t applied a morning layer of lipstick yet.”

Niles elbows the knob and pushes with his shoulder until the door lights open to a peculiar sight. Far from being neat, Miss Fine’s room looks like Macy’s after its annual Black Friday sale with clothes strewn everywhere—from the dressers to the wardrobes to the floor. An empty suitcase is lying on the bed next to Miss Fine, who is sitting in bed wearing an oversized t-shirt, her injured ankle propped up on a pillow. Niles can tell, even from the doorway, that it’s red and swollen, but to his satisfaction and relief, it doesn’t appear to be broken.

“Welcome to the jungle,” Miss Fine mutters when she notices his incredulous gaze. “We got all the animals out t’day.”

“I can see that,” Niles replies, placing his tray on her bedside table and shutting the door. With his usual efficiency, he then walks back over, retrieves the ice pack, and gently places it on the affected area, frowning when she flinches.

“Mr. Sheffield said that the doctor was coming at ten,” he says as he gently lowers himself onto the bed, clasping his hands primly on top of his lap.

“Mm,” Fran grunts noncommittally, grabbing the two Advil pills and knocking them back with a swig of coffee.

“What? You’re not curious as to whether or not said doctor in question is single, Jewish, and living in a Manhattan penthouse? Miss Fine”—Niles reaches over and places the back of his hand on Fran’s head—“do you have a fever?”

“Oh, Niles,” she swats his hand away, “I’m not in the mood.”

“It’s been awhile since I’ve heard that one.”

“Niles!”

“Sorry, Miss Fine,” he withdraws his hand with a laugh. “You know I have to warm up before Miss Babcock arrives.”

“Glad to assist,” Fran quips, taking another sip of coffee, and it’s only as she closes her eyes to savor the taste, that he notices there are lines beneath her eyes from what seems to have been a sleepless night.

The smile sinks from his face.

“You know,” he says quietly, “in all of our acquaintance, I’ve never known of you to injure yourself while dancing.”

Fran opens her eyes only to immediately glance away, tapping her long nails against her mug.

“Val tripped me up when she thought she saw Elton John,” she shrugs dully. “Turns out it was just a really lifelike poster of him behind the bar...”

“I see,” Niles returns, raising a brow. “It was nice of Miss Toriello to forgo her weekend trip with her parents to come back and… boogie woogie oogie with you.”

“Dammit,” she pouts, scrunching her nose. “I didn’t think I’d told you that.”

“You didn’t. I overheard you and Miss Toriello gabbing on the phone about it yesterday morning.”

Fran can’t seem to help herself; she smiles crookedly, even as she shakes her head.

“I dunno who’s more absorbent sometimes—you or the dish sponge.”

He smiles back at her, patting her uninjured leg gently.

“Me, naturally."

"I can believe it, Chatty Cathy," she sighs.

"Now tell me, Miss Fine"—he regains his solemnity quickly, unwilling to let her deflect with jokes—"why does your room look like a tornado went through Loehmann’s?”

Her dark eyes immediately glance around the messy room, as though looking for an excuse and failing to find one.

It’s only now that Niles is sitting down, taking everything in, that he notices that most of the articles strewn about are her favorite clothing items, from her holographic Versace dress to the black tube top that Mr. Sheffield can’t pry his eyes away from every time she wears it.

“I almost did a very stupid thing, Niles,” she half-whispers, looking down into her coffee cup, her fingers tensed and shivering around the handle. “And the thing is, maybe it wasn’t really all that stupid? Maybe it was the smartest thing I could of done in a lifetime of doin’ so many stupid things.”

She pauses briefly before sardonically adding, “People included.”

Though Niles doesn’t have enough dots to connect the full picture, he has what he needs in the way of evidence to get the basic gist: Nigel being in town, the two of them going out, Nigel leaving town, the suitcase, the swollen ankle, and Miss Fine's uncharacteristic melancholy, smeared across her face so sharply that it may as well be lipstick.

He swallows thickly, suddenly grasping how close that they had all been to losing Fran forever.

“Well,” he says, making an effort to hitch an oblivious smile on his face, “isn’t it your mother who says that everything happens for a reason? It seems as though you’re right where you belong.”

“Yeah,” she snorts indelicately. “Twenty-nine multiple times over, single, and livin’ in a mansion with a man who won’t even commit to his meal orders at restaurants, much less his very available and desperate nanny.”

“Beautiful, young, and living in a mansion with three children who love you, a butler who’d be lost without you, and a man who won’t commit to his tie choices either but still cares for you deeply all the same,” Niles corrects her softly. “He was very worried for you when you didn’t come down to breakfast this morning. He didn’t even do the crossword on the Times.”

“Gee,” she rolls her eyes playfully, “how romantic.”

“Very,” Niles grins, “a modern day Romeo—emotional hangups and all.”

With that, he pats Fran again and stands up; he has no doubt that Mr. Sheffield will be calling for him soon to interrogate him as to Miss Fine’s wellbeing.

Maybe he can even get C.C. on speaker phone to rub it in her face.

“Y’know, Niles,” Fran smiles at him fondly, “if this whole Mr. Sheffield thing doesn’t work out, we should elope in Vegas in ten yea's.”

“Only if you wear this little number,” he says, bending down and picking up a black cocktail dress from the floor, folding it neatly over his arm.

“You wish you could be so lucky.”

“If we’re going to be in Vegas, anything can happen, I suppose.”

After he retrieves the silver tray from the bedside table, he bends down and kisses Miss Fine lightly on the head, his heart hurting when he notices the way that she closes her eyes beneath the gentle touch—young and vulnerable and terribly hurt by something he can’t quite fix with a well-timed witticism.

“Get some rest, Miss Fine," her murmurs against her head. "I'll check on you a bit."

“Thanks, hubby."

—

Scarcely ten minutes later, he’s down in Mr. Sheffield’s office as per usual, offering the producer a fresh cup of tea even though he had already drunk his traditional two cups at breakfast.

He insisted, though, on a third, for some excuse he couldn’t quite come up with.

And instead of coming up with an excuse, he immediately asked for all the particulars of Miss Fine’s health.

Predictable chump.

“Thanks, old boy,” Mr. Sheffield frowns, returning to his crossword, tapping the end of his pen arrhythmically against the paper. “Let me know when the doctor for Miss Fine arrives. I want to be there when he checks her over.”

“Ooh la-la-la,” Niles hums, dropping a sugar cube into the tea with a zesty plop.

Mr. Sheffield places his pen down on the desk angrily.

“Not like that… I just want to ensure she’s going to be well… you know, for the children’s sake.”

“Yes,” he sighs theatrically. “How will the children ever be able to bear their nanny having a twisted ankle?”

“Oh, shut up,” Mr. Sheffield snaps. “I don’t pay you to be sarcastic.”

“No, sir, you pay me to help you with the crossword when you’re missing three-across,” Niles smirks knowingly when he glances down at the incomplete puzzle. “What’s the hint?”

Mr. Sheffield adjusts his wire-rimmed glasses on the bridge of his nose before looking down again.

“A word that means feeling bad for not doing something that you should have done all along. Disappointment. A sense of shame.”

Niles straightens up with a long-suffering shake of his head.

“Oh, sir, do I really have to spell it out for you?”

#the nanny #fran fine #niles the butler #maxwell sheffield #maggie writes

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mcustorm · 4 years

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45 M/M Gay Movies, Ranked

The other day I bit the bullet and decided to watch Brokeback Mountain for the first time. All I knew about that movie was that it was basically the CMBYN of yesteryear and somebody got killed with a tire iron. Anyways, so I finish the movie and realize that I’ve seen a *lot* of gay movies, especially in the last couple of years. So here are my rankings according to nothing but my personal preference. I won’t write about all of them, but you can ask about something if I leave it out.

I wish I could give you a rubric for this. The reality is, there are some radically different movies on this list with different tones and intentions. There’s buddy comedies, tearjerkers, small indie features, big theater releases. So trying to rank them all is TUFF.

The Way He Looks - Such a beautiful coming-of-age movie. Maybe the 2nd one I saw on this list? Perfect length, perfect characterization, simple yet compelling, clever. And nothing feels better than reaching a happy ending (for once, because some of these movies’ endings-- SHEESH) that’s been earned. It just hasn’t been topped.

2. God’s Own Country

3. Pride

4. Kanarie - Yea, we don’t talk about this movie enough. It’s one of the most recent that I’ve seen. Beautiful. The way that it references apartheid and the war to reflect the protagonist’s feelings? Flawless.

5. Jongens - The first movie that I saw on this list, gets many a bonus point for that.

6. Moonlight - Yes, I am black. Yes, I understand this movie may be too low. Moonlight kind of scares me. In general, there’s not nearly enough discourse surrounding this one for me. But while it’s not exactly a popcorn-muncher, to me it’s the most personal movie on the list. When I look at Chiron and all that he’s been through, I can’t help but draw parallels to my own story up to this point. It holds a mirror up to me in a way that no other movie on this list does. That makes me uncomfortable.

But it is so poetic. Have you guys seen the script for this? The directing, the SOUNDTRACK, the acting. Phenomenal.

7. Weekend

8. Call Me By Your Name - Yes, I am aware of people’s beef with this one. Yes, I understand a lot of people may feel this one is overrated. While I do think this one gets worse on rewatch, the truth is, it’s not really *that* overrated because hot take: most (meaning over half) of the movies on this list range somewhere from “just okay” to “painstakingly bad”.

It’s the score, the cinematography, the subtext in most all of the dialogue, the acting, the way that you can smell the apricots through the fucking screen. People who say this movie is a vacation ad are fucking CORRECT. One of my biggest gripes however is that it’s too fucking long. And uh, that age difference...

And Armie Hammer’s a weirdo...

9. Dating Amber* - Dating Amber has one of those “Duh” premises that sounds like it could’ve been done like 30 times before yet I can’t think of any other examples of it. So what you’d think would be a wacky premise actually turns out to be a frankly poignant movie with an emotional story arc for the main two characters.

10. Hello Stranger: The Movie* - This movie, which is the first sequel (sorta) on the list, frankly had no business being as good as it was. Even though the web series is required viewing, I felt the movie fixed like all of the series’ issues: pacing, lack of compelling drama, the awkward quarantine format. The drama and stakes are there without us having to visit Angst City. And the theme and the ending reprise is HEAT.

11. Uncle Frank* - Uncle Frank is like The Help of gay movies. Like The Help, it’s *overall* a short, sweet and fluffy movie set decades ago. Like The Help, you’ll still come out of it feeling pretty good even though it has some dark moments. Also like The Help, you’ll wonder after the fact if the central white girl absolutely needed to be so...well, central for this story to be told. Bonus points for Paul Bettany and Character Actress Margo Martindale.

12. Brokeback Mountain - Tragic.

13. Moffie - Set during the South African border war, same as Kanarie. You even hear the word “moffie” throughout Kanarie. Anyways, this is a war movie for the gays, and a very intense watch. I liked that it was a much more realistic view of what a soldier endured during that period, and of course on the flip side I thought it was more thorough in its depiction of the rampant racism. I gotta find a good book on this era.

14. A Moment In the Reeds

15. Get Real - Maybe the most out of place movie on the list. I need to rewatch it. I do recall absolutely loving the score, however. Like, I fucks with this:

youtube

16. Freier Fall - When I finished Brokeback I was like, “Wait, wasn’t that just Free Fall with extra steps?” And yea, it kinda is. But even discount Brokeback is still pretty good.

17. Beautiful Thing - There are few things to like about this one, the relationship between the two guys, the mother’s love for her son even though it’s not all rainbows, that nice little final scene. I did not care for the dark-skinned woman being portrayed as, you know, the drug abusing, school dropout, gossipy, butt of jokes neighbor. But that guy really looks like Tom Holland tho.

18. Love, Simon - It’s at this point that I move from “Yea, that movie is good, you should watch it!” to “Look, you may like it, you may not.”

19. The 10 Year Plan - This movie is so fucking cheesy that there was cheddar coming though my speakers. But when I think of “Hallmark/Lifetime, but for the gays” this is the crown jewel. There’s some other movies on this list that could’ve taken some notes.

20. The Christmas Setup* - The trend of fluffy-white-gay-cable-network-movie continues and in good form. It’s not deep. It’s not really thought provoking. It’s cute. Fran Drescher is there. You should watch it.

21. Giant Little Ones

22. Hidden Kisses

23. Alex Strangelove - In a unique twist, the emotional core of this one is arguably between Alex and his girlfriend. All that ends up happening, however, is we the viewer keep wanting more Alex/Elliott scenes; those are the most electric in the whole movie. The end result is a hot yet endearing mess.

24. Fair Haven

25. The Thing About Harry - Freeform’s attempt at making a cheesy rom-com for the gays. It’s...okay. I personally feel like the main character’s friend is highkey trifling but it’s whatever.

26. Your Name Engraved Herein* - So I guess I’ve decided I officially hate angst. I mean, I get how it’s often necessary to tell an effective story, but I’m just not here for 2 hour indie angst fests that get passed off as “high art” anymore. I cannot do it. Somehow this is Brokeback’s fault...there just has to be a better way to tell gay stories in the 2020′s. Anyways, the last song was fuego.

27. The Perfect Wedding - Easily the most bizarre movie on this list. It’s so bad, I liked it a lot.

28. Naz and Maalik - The first half of the movie with the two leads just riffing is some pretty great stuff. The back half starts throwing plot developments that are just less than interesting.

29. My Best Friend

30. The Curiosity of Chance

31. Being 17 - Boring. Angsty.

32. And Then We Danced

33. Center of My World - Has some of the most trifling characters EVER. I was so angry. This movie for me has *0* rewatchability.

34. Just Friends

35. 4th Man Out - This movie was basically “a bro/Hangover-style movie, but for the gays.” I absolutely love the intention, but the execution was a little shoddy. One day we’re gonna get a flawless movie that nails what this movie was going for. I hope we remember this movie whenever that day comes.

36. Latter Days - So fucking preachy.

37. GBF - Another bizarre one, but at least this movie gets how wacky it is.

38. Beach Rats

39. Shelter - I’ve noticed a lot of people like this one. To that I say...yikes. Remember that scene from Family Guy where Peter says he doesn’t care for The Godfather? I did not care for Shelter. It insists upon itself (not really, but still).

40. Handsome Devil

41. Esteros - It’s at this point of the list that we shift from “Movies that are the definition of ‘ight’ “ to “These movies are bad. Bad. BAAAAAD.”

42. Monster Pies

43. Were the World Mine - I couldn’t even finish it. Wanna watch a better musical? Go watch Kanarie. Wanna watch a better Shakespeare adaptation? The Lion King is the movie for you, or even fucking She’s the Man.

44. North Sea Texas - So boring. I actually think this one may need a rewatch, because I swear it shouldn’t have been as terrible as it was.

45. Salvation Army - I have no idea what this movie was going for. I understand that it is autobiographical, however...it simultaneously barely has any plot or character developments. This one has shades of Beach Rats, but it’s significantly worse, and I didn’t even like Beach Rats that much.

So that’s it, thanks if you made it down this far. I guess I’ll update the list as I inevitably watch more of these. I would love movie recommendations!

#lgbtcinema #the way he looks #cmbyn #love simon #thanks for reading #thanks profusely to the gif-makers #i couldn't finish maurice...i'm so sorry #half of these are breaking glass or wolfe #argue with yo mama

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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[-lastcall]

have you ever been invited to a tacky-christmas-sweater party? No, but I’m cheesy and would enjoy something like that.

does your school have spirit week..you dress up as super heros and stuff? Yeah, my schools did that.

doesnt it bother you when someone texts you, you reply, & they never reply? Depends on how urgent/pressing the conversation is. <<< Yeah, it may not need an urgent response or one at all.

when is the last time you laughed so hard your stomach hurt? It’s been a very long time.

what is the biggest turn off, to you? Arrogance and cockiness.

is there one saying that is just getting OLD to you? ex: “fail”? I’m sure there is, but I can’t think of one at the moment.

what do you do when you can’t sleep? My nighttime routine consists of scrolling through Tumblr, watching YouTube videos, doing surveys, and listening to ASMR.

when was the last time you had a nightmare? I woke up crying and shaking the other morning.

where do you see yourself in ten years? I don’t knowww.

if you had the chance to re-do the past six months..would you do it? Nooo.

does your family have traditions? Yeah.

have you ever had a horribleee school picture? I never liked my school picture. Well, except for the ones from like preschool to 2nd grade.

what is the most annoying commercial to you? I’ve been basically bedridden and watch a lot of TV, so I see a lot of the same commercials numerous times a day and certain ones stand out and annoy me like this one where there’s this guy driving and singing with his hood ornament thingy. The song goes something like, “you got the brawn, I got the brain. Let’s make lots of money” or something like that.

whose voice will never fail to get on your nerves? Back when that show The Nanny came on I just couldn’t stand to hear Fran Drescher’s voice omg. Sofia Vergara’s voice annoys me, too.

have you ever met anyone half-way famous? I’ve met Jaime Lee Curtis, who is quite famous I’d say.

is there a celebrity that you are related to? (im related to elvis) :) Not that I know of.

do you like your laugh? No.

who was the last person to call you beautiful? I don’t know. I look like trash.

would you call your last relationship a mistake? No.

do you believe in regrets? Yeah, and I have plenty.

where are you going after you die? I pray I go to heaven.

have you ever been asked out over text message? Yes.

have you ever run up your phone bill? No.

pick: apple, or dell. Apple.

what is your outfit of choice? Leggings and a graphic tee.

who was the last person that you talked to on the phone for over 2 hours? I haven’t talked on the phone that long in many, many, many years.

do you sleep on your stomach, side or back? I sleep on my left side.

is it easier to fall up or down the stairs, to you? I don’t/can’t use the stairs.

has it been a while since the last time you got grounded? I’m 31 years old...

would you ever take up a job in photography? No.

what is your pizza topping of choice? Extra sauce and cheese, spinach, cilantro, and garlic.

what food is your weakness? Lately, it’s been ice cream and chips and dip.

do you type with correct punctuation? Yes.

how do you like your eggs? Over-easy, scrambled, hard boiled, deviled.

do you even remember your life before you could drive? I don’t drive.

do you remember your first crush? Yes.

were you born in the place you grew up in? Yes.

someone texts you calling you a skank. what do you reply? Wtf.

would you ever take place in a long-distance relationship? I don’t think so.

what was your childhood nickname? Noodles. lol.

is there a smell that makes you gag? Old food. do you actually use your locker at school, if you are still in school? I never used one.

have you ever broken a bone? Yes. do your parents trust you? Yes.

what is your favorite lyric of all time? I have countless favorite lyrics. do you restart the song when you miss your favorite part? Sometimes.

in your opinion, can you sing well? Nope. I know I can’t sing.

when was the last time you were disappointed? I’ve been continuously disappointed in myself for the past few years and counting.

have you ever visited dictionary.com? Yeah.

who is your best friend? My mom.

do you totally hate your hometown and plan on leaving as soon as possible? My family and I would love to.

what is your hometown known for? Nothing good.

does your bedroom have a theme? Nah, not really.

you open your closet doors, what color do you see the most? Black.

your fingernails are currently painted what color? They’re not painted.

say a random word in another language: Triste.

have you ever read a series of books that had more than 10 books in it? Yeah, I’ve read several. I’m reading the 13th book in one right now.

what is something that alwaysss gets on your nerves? Eating sounds.

you wake up in the middle of the night hungry, do you eat or shrug it off? I always have my nightly bowl of ramen.

are you the black sheep of the family? I feel that way sometimes cause of the stuff I’ve gone and go through. It’s been a lot and I feel un-relatable.

have you ever burnt anything on accident? Yes.

what song always makes you sad? The acoustic version of Everlong by Foo Fighters because of the memory attached to it.

have you ever been to a techno party? No.

does your school have those slutty dance parties every weekend? What...

what time on average do you wake up during the summer? When I wake up varies regardless of the day or time of year.

what time zone do you live in? PST.

what movie can you not waaaaait to see? New Marvel movies, Halloween Kills, and Scream 5 to name a few. is there a tv series you have watched ever since the first season came out? Yeah, a few. who is the most awkward person you know? Myself.

would you date kyle? Who?

do you have a blogger account? This.

when you get married, what do you want your last name to be? I don’t plan on getting married.

have you ever legally changed your name? No.

does your family send out a christmas card every year? No.

do you stare at people’s butts when they walk? No.

do you think it is cute or waaaay annoying when guys sag? I’ve never understood that style.

do you own uggs or do you think they are uggly? bahaha. I’m not a fan.

what smiley do you use most often? :/ or :X

your mom hears you cuss. what does she say? She’d just be surprised cause I never have. I’m 31 years old, though, so it’s not like I can’t. I’m just weird about that.

have you ever been in a wedding? No.

have you ever heard of tim tebow? Yeah.

who have you fantasized about marrying? No one.

i can’t spell correctly worth a flip, can you? I think so.

what word do you say wayyy too much? Probably “um” or “like.”

do you think ‘thats what she said’ is gross or funny? It’s just old now.

do you think running a mile is fun or a punishment? I wouldn’t find anything about that fun.

do you say “FAIL” after everything, like my brother does? No.

have you ever been to a concert? Yeah, a few.

have you been to each coast of America? I’ve been to the west and east coast.

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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avantegarda · 4 years

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Original Writing: The Audition

yes my friends it’s high time for another behind-the-scenes look at the Austro-Hungarian Cinematic Universe! @ella-enchanted27 I apologize that I didn’t post this last night when I was actually talking about it, as I fell asleep, but here we are!

Starring:

The Late, Great Anna Kiraly (a 19th-century Fran Drescher)

Clara the Violin, as Herself

A Serendipitous Music Professor

A Bunch of Kids

Had Professor Strobel entered any other bakery on any other street in Pest on March 3, 1861, things might have turned out very differently.

But, whether thanks to fate, God, or simple good luck, he did step into Sovany’s that rainy afternoon. And furthermore, he’d managed to forget the Hungarian for roll.

After a moment of staring at the baker in extremely awkward silence, Strobel was strongly considering turning tail, fleeing back to his hotel room, and making a meal out of crackers and cheese. He might very well have done this, had he not suddenly felt a tap on his shoulder.

The shoulder-tapper was a tall, rangy woman with dark red hair piled on top of her head, dressed in a gray woollen frock and striped apron, and she eyed him with amusement. “Mister. You need help?”

Delighted at finding someone in this part of the city who spoke German— regardless of how well—Strobel nodded. “Indeed, madam. Perhaps you could translate for me?” He explained what he needed, and the woman informed the baker in incomprehensible Hungarian, resulting in a warm bag of rolls being deposited in Strobel’s hand.

“Thank you, Mrs…?”

“Király,” the woman said. “Király Anna. Who are you?”

Remembering his manners, Strobel tipped his hat. “Professor Johannes Strobel, at your service.”

“Professor, eh? You teach school?”

“Indeed, at the Academy of Music in Vienna. Thank you once again for your help, if there’s anything I can…”

“Wait.” Mrs. Király’s gray eyes focused on him sharply. “You work at a music school?”

“A music school!” Strobel chuckled. “Madam, I work at the music school. The finest in Europe.”

“Ah! Good. Then you will come to have dinner at our flat. It is necessary that you meet my son.”

Oh, heavens, not this rigmarole. It was an unfortunate hazard of being a music professor that many people, upon hearing his profession, would attempt to foist all manner of untalented relatives on him, claiming that they were utterly brilliant and didn’t they deserve a spot at the Academy. Strobel sighed, preparing himself for the inevitable. “Your son, madam?”

“My son. He plays the violin. He is,” Mrs. Király said with resignation, “a very good boy. But he will not get the proper education here. We do not yet have a music school in Pest.”

“Mrs. Király, I am sure your son is very talented, but I am not certain...”

“I know, Professor. You will think I am prejudiced for my son, and you will not believe that he is talented. But I did help you just now, and you did say ‘anything I can do.' What you can do, Professor,” Mrs. Király said firmly, “is to come to a very good dinner, and to spend five minutes listening to my Andras play the violin, and then to go home in peace. This is fair, yes?”

Strobel resigned himself to the inevitable. If nothing else, Hungarian home cooking sounded pleasant enough. “Very well, Mrs. Király. Lead on.”

...

Upon entering the Király family flat, what hit Strobel first was the smell. A good smell—meat and onions and spices, filling up the small space and making his stomach growl. The smell emanated from a small stove in the corner of the room, where a short, stocky man leaned over a steaming pot.

“Ah! My husband makes goulash,” Mrs. Király said with satisfaction. “György! Látogató!”

The man at the stove turned around, his bushy eyebrows drawing together in suspicion at the sight of his wife’s unexpected company. Strobel noted, with some surprise, that Mr. Király—who this must have been—had a wooden leg.

There ensued a brief conversation in Hungarian, at the end of which Mrs. Király seemed to emerge the winner. She turned back to Strobel, smiling brightly. “My husband’s German is not so good,” she confessed. “But there is no need to worry, we have plenty of food for you. Would you like to meet the children? They will be in the other room, studying.” She paused as a burst of raucous laughter sounded from behind the narrow door. “They should be studying. Children! Come now, we have a guest!”

There was some scuffling from behind the door before it opened and an assortment of youngsters tumbled out: first, two brown-haired little girls, followed by a tall, thin boy gently carrying a toddler.

“Here you are, Professor,” Mrs. Király said proudly. “The baby is little Katalin—only we call her Kitti—and then there is Jozefa next, she is six, and Ilka is nine—and here is Andras, he has just turned sixteen. He,” she added, lowering her voice conspiratorially, “is the one I tell you about.”

To Strobel’s eternal shame, his first thought regarding young Andras was Well, he certainly looks like a musician.

He chastised himself immediately afterwards, of course—hadn’t he learned, during his career as a teacher, that musicians came in all sorts of shapes and sizes? And yet it couldn’t be denied that young Andras’ thin face, long fingers, and slightly shaggy auburn hair gave him a rather artistic air.

Appearances didn’t factor into the matter, though. What was important was whether or not he could play the violin. Which was yet to be confirmed. Strobel was not allowing himself to entertain any high hopes.

“Children, here is Professor Strobel, who is visiting us from Vienna,” Mrs. Király said. “You will speak to him in German so you can practice. And Andras, you will play the violin for him after dinner.”

Andras frowned, glancing from Strobel to Mrs. Király. “Why?”

“Because he is from the Academy of Music,” Mrs. Király explained patiently. “And perhaps he can help you.”

The boy looked as though someone had just told him he was going to war. “Do I have to, Ma?”

Mrs. Király raised her eyes heavenward, as if asking for strength. “Yes, Andras. You must. But first we will eat.”

...

Dinner was delicious, though Strobel was careful not to eat too much; generous as this family was, they still had four young children to feed. And generally nice children they were, at that. Little Jozefa explained, in an odd mishmash of Hungarian and German, that she could read an entire story on her own now with no help, and nine-year-old Ilka had shyly informed Strobel that Father Jonas at church had taught her to play a song on the piano and had the Professor ever seen a grand piano?

Andras, meanwhile, spent most of the meal in taciturn silence, occasionally casting worried glances in Strobel’s direction. There was an almost palpable air of anxiety around him, and when the last of the goulash had been eaten Strobel fully expected him to flee like a frightened rabbit. From the look on Mrs. Király’s face, however, it was clear that this was not an option.

“Girls, you will please help your father with the dishes now,” she said briskly. “Andras, you will go and get Clara.”

“Who is Clara?” Strobel inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“Clara is my violin,” Andras replied, a bright red flush spreading across his high cheekbones. “That’s what Mr. Batori called her...it. He taught me to play, only he died last month, so I have Clara now.”

Strobel nodded sympathetically. “My condolences, young man. If you don’t think you can play…”

“No, I suppose I’d better, if Ma says so.” Andras let out a long-suffering sigh and rose from the table. “Excuse me for a moment.”

He returned a moment later with a violin that, while it had clearly seen better days, was undoubtedly high-quality—whoever this Mr. Batori was, he must have been a professional. Without ceremony, Andras lifted the instrument to his chin and began to play.

The piece was one of Bach’s sonatas and a devilishly tricky one at that, though Andras didn’t seem particularly worried. Indeed, the minute he’d started playing, the panicky, awkward boy faded away to be replaced with something entirely different, someone who knew exactly what he was doing. A true artist.

And Strobel, who had seen so many auditions and met so many gifted young people, felt a familiar prickle of excitement, knowing exactly what he was confronted with.

Talent. Pure talent.

...

After a brief and quiet conversation with Mrs. Király, Professor Strobel left his card and the address where he was staying and returned to his hotel in high spirits. A prodigy, by God, a genuine prodigy! Certainly, perhaps he was starting a bit late—Liszt had given his first concert at the age of nine—but after all, sixteen was still young. A nice young lad like that could go very far, given the right support. The Királys would make the right decision, naturally. They had to.

Upon returning to his hotel the next evening, Strobel was surprised to see young Andras waiting for him; not with his mother, whom Strobel had expected to see, but entirely alone.

“Professor,” he said. “Could we talk?”

Strobel nodded and ushered the boy upstairs to his room, where Andras perched on one of the chairs looking highly uncomfortable.

“What can I help you with, my lad?”

“Well,” Andras said hesitantly. “Ma says you want me to go to that fancy school, in Vienna.”

“Indeed I do. It would be exactly what you need, in my opinion.”

“That’s kind of you, Professor. I know Ma wants me to go, she’s been talking about it with Pa all day, and I’m very grateful, but I…” He took a deep breath. “I can’t go.”

“Can’t?” Strobel frowned. Had he not made it clear to Anna that there was no reason to fuss over money, that there were scholarship funds for this sort of thing? “Why on earth not?”

“Professor, you came to our home. You saw we have no money.” Andras’ German was good, schoolboy-correct, though his accent was considerably more distinct when he was upset—which he clearly was now. “If I stay here, I can get a job in a factory or a shop, help my sisters. I can’t send money home if I am at music school.”

Strobel was not a temperamental man, but at this, he nearly could have thrown something. “Andras, how old are you? Sixteen, your mother said?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Nearly an adult, then. So I will speak to you as an adult. You are a fool, young man, for thinking that getting a job in a factory will help your family more than your getting a free education. Do you think I would be offering you a scholarship, to one of the finest conservatories in Europe, if I didn’t think it would be worth my while? Now, I cannot guarantee you professional success,” Strobel admitted. “It’s a tricky business, music. But I can tell you now that even a poor violinist in Vienna will be able to help his family more than a factory worker in Pest. And furthermore, if anyone who can play the violin like you decides to work in a factory or a shop, you may as well spit in the gods’ faces. It is unacceptable.”

“Oh.” Andras blinked, evidently somewhat taken aback. “I did not think of it like that.”

Strobel sighed, passing a hand over his brow. “I apologize if I was too forceful. But really, there is only one question that matters here. Do you want to study at the Academy?”

Andras hesitated, tapped his fingers together awkwardly, ran a hand through his already wild hair—and then nodded.

“Good,” said Strobel. “Then there is nothing more to be said on the subject.” He smiled and gently patted the boy on his shoulder. “You will do well for yourself, I think, Master Király. And believe me, I am someone who should know.”

#my writing #original writing #unshakeable #wow look how long this is #i wrote it after very fancy beer so that's why

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amortm · 5 years

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* 𝐖𝐇𝐀𝐓'𝐒 𝐔𝐏 , pretty kitties ! i'm terribly sorry abt my absence on the dash alongside you angels , & trust that i’m fully embarrassed of my slow ass , but i finally typed this baby out , & i can’t wait for y’all to meet my love , 𝒋𝒖𝒍𝒆𝒔 !

* ╰ it’s an absolute dishonour to meet you , julianna / jules . at twenty - one , you’ve disgraced the peralta family name & failed to carry on their legacy as an elite . as a result , they’ve requested that we at the academy do our best to rid you of your venality , & seeing as though they’re worth 86m , we dutifully obliged . while your pleonastic & inexorable attributes have always promised failure , it’s your spar with pride & ghosting your breakout acting role after you found out your daddy secured it for you that got you committed . before we take possession of you , it’s imperative that we know that you are a cisfem who prefers she & her pronouns , & you resemble diana silvers . your birthday is on april 26th , making you a recalcitrant taurus , & you were transported to us all the way from vail , co . at the present time , you work off campus at seaside florist . go ahead & purchase that extra large suitcase , disgrace . you’re going to need it .

your name / age / pronouns / timezone / etc .

hiya loves ! i go by blue & she / her pronouns , i’m 9teen , & i’m a pst baby ! i’m one of the six lovely admins @ #unholy , & they’re all superstars , so imagine my daily awe ! anyway , i’m beyond excited to finally get the ball rolling , & share the dash with you babes !

muse inspo .

noora sætre , the goldfinch , ella of frell , neil perry , charlie dalton , claire saffitz , monica geller , carla lalli music , mia thermopolis , adam parrish , blue sargent , anna ou !

character details :

💐 : sweetly judgmental , adoringly vindictive / vindictively adoring , witty ‘n gritty , bitingly tender , expressively stubborn , softly feral !

😈 : hershey’s chocolate , brooklyn pizza , baguettes , collector edition copies of wuthering heights , selfies , her mom , richard siken anthologies , twilight ( #teamedward ) , crowded movie theaters , english gardens , the air in new york , the air in vail , snowboarding , her hair , hot chocolate ( no whipped cream , half a bag of mini marshmallows dumped atop ) , andrew garfield , her discover weekly playlist , german shepherds , harry potter , lord of the rings , comedies , horror movies , nude lipstick , chocolate chip toffee cookies with sea salt drizzled on top , mamma mia franchise , dissertations , driving , any typa jacket / coat , being the big spoon , her father , coca cola , lilies , disney t - shirts , her father’s films , take out , farms , italy ( every single crevice of it ) , the plaza hotel , mint chip ice cream , hats , trains , monthly horoscopes , ancient history , greenwich village , maggie rogers , mating ritual , vampire weekend , mitski , the wombats , magic bronson , jade bird , hockey , pretending to be a fairy / witch / mermaid as a child , naruto , avatar the last airbender , stepping over state / country lines , hot water with honey , amazon prime !

👿 : the marvel franchise except for the captain america & thor trilogies , coffee & tea , shorts , sweet potatoes , layovers of any length , socks , soy milk , her arms , chihuahuas , a song of fire & ice novels , super fudgy / rich cake & brownies , cooking for herself , being told what to do , being wrong & having everyone know it , people who are rude to employees , bad tipping , margaret atwood , her first grade teacher , plastic coke bottles , too much pepper in a dish !

upbringing & family life , life before the academy , etc .

julianna rachel peralta was born to a beauty - charmed family of three , with a new yorker mother & italian father birthing the healthiest & happiest girl parents can dream for . her mother , susanna ‘ susie ’ peters , was coined the model that pioneered 90′s fashion , a la kate moss , & met julianna’s father , elio peralta ( think the francis ford coppola of this verse ) , whilst she was briefly on set for jack to see friend fran drescher . their love stemmed from there , after she made a mocking comment & he overhead & mocked her in return for it , & the whirlwind romance that captivated their world for the next few years led to miss jules being born . neither of her parents desired marriage from each other , rather believing that their love knew no bounds , even those of matrimony , but never did it dim the bond held between the small family of three . once jules was in their arms , they relocated from new york to colorado , into the quaint town of vail , surrounded by pristine mountains & crystalline air , where susie & elio found a pocket of indisputable peace after a small winter trip in their first year of romance .

it was there that jules grew up , & there that the love of her parents faltered . her mother missed the world of fashion , the rhythms & rhymes of the space she knew as well as in maintaining the fame that spotlighted her so , while elio’s passions for turning out film after film dwindled . & when the offer from vogue came in , waxing poetic about a fresh position as a fashion editor , both she & elio knew that their paths would veer . their love was no less , but integral factors of their relationship were now fractured , & they each desired after different things . this was all said to julianna , in soft tones & with assuring words . yet , never was it promised that everything would be the same as it was , for the truth was in something unsaid . susie moved to new york , while elio & jules stayed in that mansion in the mountains , & all was as fair & well as it could be , with julianna staying with her mom during the fall season & discovering every little piece of italy in the summers . christmases & hanukkahs were always shared in vail , & susie tagged along european dives when her schedule allowed for it . it was as if their relationship & subsequent uncoupling were trivial details no one could bother to account for , until , in the worst spot she’s ever seen her mother , it came out that elio peralta found a new woman to share a life with , & that their new life together would be housed in the same home that susie & elio specially chose & , in emotional terms , truly built themselves & carved their family in its foundations . it was a betrayal of the deepest caliber , & from there the small peace that still was at the core of their little family was forever severed , & it became obvious to jules that those few years were lucky .

she was thirteen when famed actress lily taylor ( aka jennifer connely lmao ) moved into her family home , bringing her adopted eleven - year - old twins with her . in a sense of loyalty to her mother & her own hurt over the despair that her father caused their original trio , jules was heartily & positively prepared to hate the new additions to her family with a vindictive fidelity . her plan was promptly overturned , however , when she spent day upon day with her new fam & steadily allowed them into her heart . this , of course , was paired with doubtless guilt , spurred on by her own mind whenever she flew to nyc to see her mother , but soon enough this was caught by each of her parents , & susie was insistent in her assurance that whatever frigidness she still held for elio & his new beau ( which julianna didn’t bother to correct with wife ) , it in no way extends nor should be mimicked by her . elio , in turn , was quick to promise to jules that his love for her mother flamed in his heart to this day , but each of them are happier living their lives in the lifestyles they’ve chosen , with the people they’ve chosen .

there really wasn’t anything to do but swallow their words , & live by the sentiments they expressed . jules was both a mama’s & daddy’s girl in one , so to take their words as fact was an ignorance she allowed herself , even when the hurt look on her mother’s faced inevitably shone through in hidden moments .

but when jules turned seventeen , susie fell in love with a musician / designer named tommy lever she met while interviewing his collection for vogue , & the two fell deep , far enough to sway susie into moving to brazil during the spring season , away from her beloved manhattan loft , to be with him in his home ( the link is crucial to his characterization lmao , as lenny kravitz is essentially tommy lever ) . when she can , jules visits as often as she’s allowed ( always ) & has gained a room herself .

after that , however , the cycle between her various homes continued , well into her slipping teendom , & when the prospect of college crunched down on her , the choice seemed inevitable . nyu gained a classics & theater major for its class of 2019 ( she skipped the third grade , a fact she didn’t stop bragging about at that age ) , but in her senior year of university , the walls came crashing down .

what sin are they categorized under ? why ?

jules belongs to the sin of #pride through & through . after all , if there was one damning trait to send her straight into the pits of burning infernos , her prideful sense of self would be it . that’s not to say she’s arrogant ( nor am i saying she isn’t ) , but it’s more that she can’t take being undermined or allow the supposed undermining to go unpunished . she has a great deal of #pride in her own self worth & capabilities , though she’s usually loathe to make it known in plain terms , & if she feels attacked in that manner , she’ll completely close up . this often , as you’ll surely be able to tell , beckons problematic shit .

what got them sent to the academy ?

during jules’ senior year at nyu , she was contacted by her agent ( shared with her father ) & offered an audition for a leading role in a major hollywood studio film . throughout the years , she dabbled in theater & attracted a starring role or two along the way , especially in school productions , but the plan for success was always envisioned after college . when she got the call , however , she handled it with a happy - go - lucky fuck it sort of approach , & a week later , when she received the good - bearing call , there was no backing out , or so she thought . tentatively dropping out of the semester in which she would graduate , jules modeled the next few months of her life around the film , happily doing so .

yet , the first week into rehearsals brought down a cloud so dark she thought she’d choke under it . she overheard a few producers on their lunch break , talking about this - & - that - esque bullshit , but just as she was passing , one of them made a comment about the peralta girl , & how hollywood legacies are the roaches of the industry . how directors from the middle ages should just stick to ruining things behind the camera , not forcing a disaster in front of it .

that day , jules walked out of set & never took a step back in . effectively ruining her future career in the process , she ghosted all contact from the production & even went as far to jet off to brazil to regenerate with her mom as an escape . she couldn’t even pick up where she left off during the semester , & simply had to sit back & witness her classmates of four years graduate without her . her parents were furious , but the only thing she gave in return was a steely silence , refusing even turn a glare to her father . now , she’s been shoved into the hands of the academy , biding the days until she could return to nyu in the fall .

what do you think they’ll struggle with the most at the academy ?

tbh , the biggest issue for jules is the resentment curling at her core . at her father , the film , the academy , herself . right now she’s just in a foul mood & sick at being forced into glitterati rehab , but her #pride won’t allow her to fail , even if she wishes to do it just to spite everyone . she is a people person , however , & will almost definitely warm up , even if it’s just for appearances sake .

extra details : links you’d like to incorporate , wanted connections , literally anything else you want to include , etc .

wanted connections will be coming soon ! for now , please enjoy this authentic video of jules chillin in her fav corner of the world , aka italia , taken by her bff eli 😔✌️

#unholyintro #icb how LATE my ass is w this gd intro #cue y'all throwing the torches and pitchforks @ me JDJKSDJSKDJDSKJDSDS #⋆ ╰ ` 𝒹𝒾𝒶𝓂ℴ𝓃𝒹 ╱ 𝑖𝑛 𝑚𝑦 ╱ 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 . : dev .

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home-working · 5 years

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Powerlunching with Fran López

I technically met Fran through my friend/his wife, Sarah (who, coincidentally, I met through an ex named Fran!). About three years ago, Fran and I were both running late to a graphic novel panel discussion in Brooklyn that Sarah was speaking on, and I recognized him from her Instagram feed/comics, so I said “Hi, are you Fran?!” like an inept Internet stalker. We ended up hanging out all afternoon while she signed books and realised we had a lot in common (web development! pastries! Sarah! jokes!), so we became internet friends.

Fran is now a software engineer at Tumblr (coincidentally he is tasked with fixing the biggest problem I have with it), is a cartoonist himself, and has endured periods of homeworking, like when he didn’t yet have a greencard, or when we slowly tackled a year-long freelance project together (in the middle of which he had a baby). I would also like to state that we originally Powerlunched in December of 2017 and I didn’t get these questions back until I harassed him a few weeks ago, a partial cause of which may have been the baby(?).

What is your full name? Francisco Tomás López. In 2003, RFC 3629 established UTF-8 as a standard Internet protocol element. It's 2019 now and I just signed up for the YMCA, but my name is displayed as "Francisco TomÃ¡s LÃ³pez".

Where are you originally from? The lovely neighborhood of Villa del Parque in Buenos Aires, Argentina.

What is your legal work status? "Don't ask, don't tell."

What is your healthcare status? "See something, say something."

What do you do for a living? I'm a software engineer that is able to legally work in the US of A, so my work and healthcare statuses are actually pretty good, at least until the tech bubble bursts. Once that happens I'm pretty much useless, but I'm married to very handy woman, she'll protect me.

What do you do for fun? I do many things. Most notable in the context of this interview: I'm an avid baker. (Meaning: last week I made some muffins for the first time. Even though they turned out great, you refused to eat them. Why wouldn't you have my muffins, Christy?) [Editor’s note: Why did it take you so long to finish this interview, Fran?]

Do you miss working from home full-time? Half of the time I do. I think my relationship with homeworking can be graphed in a continuous sine wave that peaks high when I realize I can work in my underwear and peaks low when I realized I've been in my underwear for a week. After that I try to get out more until I remember the comfort of staying home and the cycle repeats.

What's it like also living with someone who works from home? Are there any interesting anecdotes to share? Hot tips? Sarah's work is much more fun and interesting to watch than mine. When we were both working full time from home it was great for me to take breaks and see what she was doing. I'm sure she LOVED the constant and unrequested interruptions. Soon after that we decided to have a kid together, so maybe that counts as "hot tip"?

You have a new-ish baby! Will you encourage your baby to also work from home? You could have a family business! Yes! We could both interrupt his mom, I'm sure she'll love that even more!

Do you eat regular meals when you work at home? ¡Ja! (That's Spanish for "Ha!").

As the first fellow programmer I've interviewed (if I'm allowed to call myself one), tell me why you got into programming! (This is a question sponsored by STEM.) I found a tutorial on Pascal somewhere on the semi-early internet when I was 12 and had a lot of fun with it. I wrote some dumb stuff like a program that would take a text file and use the buzzer in the motherboard to make a short sound for every character in the file (the pitch being a multiple of it's ASCII code). I spent hours listening to that and drove my family crazy. Fast forward to now and turns out I have an employable skill!

Do you prefer drawing or programming? I guess I prefer whichever is not the one I'm doing the most of, so that's always been me wanting to draw more and code less. Capitalism assigned us the role of eternal consumers and to that end trains us to place desire in what we don't have.

If you could make a living off comics, would you drop programming altogether? No, I actually like programming. And doing comics full-time will probably drive me crazy. Maybe I would dedicate my programming time to do personal projects. I have this cool idea about a little program that takes a text a file and then uses the buzzer in the motherboard to...

Do you often get compared to the guy who played Christopher in The Sopranos? Only by the most discerning of persons.

Your Twitter handle is @FranniferLopez. Do you feel you have a personal connection to Jennifer Lopez? Years ago I found this great photo from 1999 of Fran Drescher and Jennifer Lopez hanging out in a club. I've used it ever since as my profile photo in all the different online systems of any job I had. How people react to me using that photo is my way to make sure if I should keep that job or start looking for something else. So yes, I feel very connected to Jennifer Lopez (and Fran Drescher, of course).

What were you wearing when we last hung out A YEAR AGO when I took the picture of you eating fries with mustard? (No, you're not allowed to look at the photo, which is also a pretty horrible photo, I’m sorry I backlit you.) First let me say that I think the English speaking part of North America is a beautiful place with rich culture that I'm taking in with my full, open heart. That being said, you guys could be using mustard for so much more! As for clothes: If I was lucky, I was wearing my favorite sweater, which has a flowery pattern in bordeaux over a dark, deep blue background. I don't remember anything else. [Editor’s note: incorrect, but you can see that sweater below, in a much better photo, partially because it includes me!]

Wearing that sweater; laptops.

#homeworking #mustard #fran #fran lopez #frannifer lopez #jennifer lopez #fran drescher #muffins

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stereogeekspodcast · 3 years

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[Transcript] Season 1, Episode 8. We’ve Been Busy With… More Christmas Films, The Three-Body Problem, Chaos Walking, and More

It's the final Stereo Geeks episode of 2020! So, what have we been busy with? Ron caught up with The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two. And, continuing with the Christmas theme, we also checked out The Christmas Setup and Dashing in December.

We also chilled with some audiobooks. Mon finally got her hands on The Three-Body Problem, while Ron read the Chaos Walking book series.

We end the episode with a look at queer romance novel Red, White, and Royal Blue.

Listen to the episode on Anchor.

Read more about the Jallianwala Bagh Massacre here.

[Snowflake by GeriArt by Pixabay plays]

Ron: Welcome to the final Stereo Geeks episode of 2020. We continue with our Christmas special in what we've been busy with.

Mon: I'm Mon.

Ron: I’m Ron. We will be discussing spoilers for all the movies and books that we are talking about during this episode. So, if you haven't watched them or read them, please check them out and return to our episode.

So, since we’ve been catching up with Christmas movies, I decided to watch The Christmas Chronicles: Part Two. This is a Netflix movie. I watched the first part a couple of years ago on Christmas Day. I thought, eh, whatever, I’m not going to enjoy this. But, actually it was really sweet and really captured the magic of Christmas.

It’s about a pair of siblings; the younger child, obviously, was the one who believed in Christmas. Her older brother, not so much. And now we take off in the second part and they've both already met Santa Claus, and they believe in the Christmas spirit.

But things have changed a lot since the first film when we met the siblings. They had just lost their father, and they were really struggling to celebrate Christmas without him. Now, in this film. It's been a couple of years later, and they're going to get a new dad. Their mother has met this very nice man, played by Tyrese Gibson, and it seems like certain things are going to be going ahead. But the little girl, she just can't get into it. And she needs Santa to come and bring some Christmas spirit to her life.

But, Belsnickel, a former elf turned human is here to rob Christmas of its joy. Can Santa and Mrs Claus. young Kate and her soon-to-be stepbrother Jack, save the day?

I, sadly, did not enjoy this movie. I really wanted to, and the production values are so much better than in the first film; like, we go to the North Pole and when they're in the Christmas Village, we see all these elves and everything we only got a little glimpse of in the first film. So, those bits I really liked. It was very beautiful, and it really felt like, it’s very magical and stuff.

But, the movie itself. No. It turned into a generic action film with Santa Claus in it.

Mon: That sounds terrible.

Ron: Yeah, I really wanted to capture that feeling from the first film like how you're feeling a bit down and you just want something to reignite that love for Christmas in you, especially when you're a little older. This one just doesn't do that. Like, I like action. That's fun. But this strayed so far away from the Christmas part of it that I just couldn't get into it.

Even the characters. It felt like they were manufacturing their disappointment in everything. Like, Kate is upset that they’re spending Christmas in a tropical city. So, they're like on the beach and stuff. And you're like, Okay, so what? ‘No, Christmas has to be white, and Christmas has to have snow in it’. No, it doesn't. It's so weird. And so, yeah, it just seemed like they were doing this for no reason at all.

And Bob the new dad. He seems really nice. I'm like, why doesn't Kate like him? And he's making this huge effort to be really nice and sweet and getting to know her and all. And I'm just like, you're not even trying. And I realise that Kate is young, but not that young that she should be throwing tantrums for no reason.

So yeah, it was strange. But Kurt Russell as Santa Claus is amazing. I don't know why. When I watched the first one, I was like, there is no way in hell this is gonna work. But he was great. And he's like, really enjoying himself being Santa.

Goldie Hawn as Mrs Claus, which is really fun, because they're together in real life. So, we got like this cameo from her in the first film and you're like, ‘ah, yay, and now you get to see her a bit more. She's very sweet, but I don't know. Like, I've seen Goldie Hawn in so much stuff but this one is not her best work. Whereas Kurt Russell is totally into it.

Julian Dennison as Belsnickel. Now, Julian Dennison is a really incredible young actor. We’ve seen him in Hunt for the Wilderpeople, we’ve seen him in Deadpool 2. I'm beginning to feel a lot like this boy is getting stereotyped.

Mon: Already?

Ron: Yeah. The character of Belsnickel is kind of a lot like his character in Deadpool 2, in the sense that he was betrayed by his parents and he wants to fight back, and he's really a good person at heart but he's doing bad things because he just wants revenge. And I really think that this is not fair because there's a lot more than he can do. I mean we've seen it in Hunt for the Wilderpeople. So, it's just really frustrating to see him being stereotyped in this particular kind of role.

Also, apart from Jack and his father Bob, there aren't really any other characters of color, so for the main villain to be of Maori descent is really irritating.

So yeah, despite the production values being pretty cool and there being some moments where I quite enjoyed the mythos that they've created, I really didn't enjoy this film that much.

The central family themselves, they didn't really work for me, I think in the first one, there was a good foil between the older brother and the little sister, because he was like ‘Santa Claus doesn't exist. Christmas doesn't exist. Why are we doing all this?’ And the little girl’s like no, she's a true believer and she believes in Christmas, and that worked really well together. The brother has like a teensy tiny role in this one.

So, it's all very magical in that sense, but the conflict is so manufactured, and even the happy ending, like, yeah, it's great and stuff but it just could have been done better. It's one of those sequels that feels like a sequel—bigger, better, but not.

I was sadly disappointed. I really, really wanted to enjoy this film. So, I'm sad.

Mon: Oh, that's so sad. Well, that sort of continues in the same vein for the next film.

I was kinda excited when I heard about The Christmas Setup. Apparently, it's a rare occurrence that Lifetime has queer couples in the lead. And The Christmas Setup has gay men finding true love.

So, played by Ben Lewis, Hugo is this lawyer who's been trying to become partner for three years now. Finally, just before the Christmas break, he asks one more time, and the boss kind of goes, we're not too sure you're ready for it. So, he's kind of crushed, but he has something to look forward to. He and his best friend Madelyne, who was played by Ellen Wong, they're off to his home, where they meet his mom Fran Drescher’s Kate.

She is this vivacious, Christmas-loving person—like the house cannot have enough lights, cannot have enough Christmas trees. It's just Christmas everywhere you look. And Kate, unbeknownst to Hugo, has set him up with the other gay dude in their small town, which is Patrick, played by Blake Lee.

Patrick is a couple of years older than Hugo and they went to school together. Patrick was already out in high school, but he was the most popular kid. Hugo, on the other hand, was still in the closet. He didn't come out till he was in college. And so when Patrick meets Hugo, he doesn't actually know that he's gay. He finds out later on.

And it's obvious that Hugo is kind of interested in Patrick, especially once he finds out that Patrick is not down in the dumps selling Christmas trees and needing a tip. In fact, Patrick has already retired, he made this popular app, which even Maddie knows about. And yeah, now he's giving back to the community, he's working with his dad and sending people trees and helping around town.

So anyway, this being a Christmas, romantic film, they find each other, they need to figure out whether they can be together. And in the end, there's a happy ending… If you can call it that.

Wow, I just was so disappointed in this film. I was kinda really excited, like I really was. I know Ben Lewis only from Arrow, he plays the adult version of Oliver Queen’s son. Hugo is pretty much the same as William. I didn't see any difference—like it was like if you transport him from one place to the other.

Ron: Yeah, I could totally see William going through the same thing when he goes back to Star City.

Mon: Exactly. Right? And I wanted to like this character. I really liked Ellen Wong’s Maddie.

Ron: Yeah, she was really nice.

Mon: She was really cool. She bring some natural vivacity which fit with the fact that Hugo is kind of staid from time to time. He's too restrained. And then of course, Fran Drescher, is of course like over the top. Though I thought that she was pretty believable.

Ron: Yeah, she was. She was like this really fun, cool mom who's just up in everything, so yeah.

Mon: Exactly. But the central relationship, while it worked for a bit, after a while it just fell away. Because I felt like they tried to make it seem like this idyllic happy ending. But I just feel like Hugo made the wrong decision because he was pressured into making that decision.

Ron: Throughout the film, I felt like Hugo was being pressured to do things that he didn't want to do. Like, even with the public speaking, he doesn't want to go up on stage and talk. Everybody’s like ‘no, no, go up and talk’. He doesn't want to go up and sing, it was like ‘no no, go up and sing’. Like why are you being pushed to do all these things? Just leave him be.

Mon: Yeah. And he gets this great opportunity which he's been vying for, for years. And in quintessential rom-com style, he sort of decides that love is better than opportunity, which I just can't get behind.

Ron: I didn't think it made sense in this film. Why does he have to give up the opportunity to be with Patrick? Patrick literally has everything right now, he's retired, he sold his app for a ton of money, he can do whatever he wants.

Mon: He can go wherever he wants as well, so why on earth is he pressuring Hugo?

Ron: Yeah, especially that we see them agreeing that it's going to be fine and everything’s going to be okay if it's long distance and then Hugo goes up on stage and sings this song and then suddenly there's like this weird switch that goes off and Patrick is like ‘no, I can't’. Like what? Where did this come from? What do you mean you can't? Like you were literally just saying; what changed in three minutes?

Mon: Yeah, I definitely don't agree with this story at all. I mean, it doesn't capture the Christmas spirit for me, because in the end these guys really don't know each other that well. And you want to say it's all true love and all that, but what exactly is Hugo gonna do in his hometown?

Ron: Is this a relationship that's gonna last? Or is this just a convenient relationship that's happened? I mean, yes, I get that Hugo’s mom was trying to set them up and they already have that experience from being in school together. But are there no other gay around? Why is Patrick Hugo’s only choice? Why is Hugo Patrick's only choice?

That's what pulled me up a bit shot because I was like, there has to be other reasons why these two are together. But if it's not there in the film, then how are we supposed to believe it?

And the thing is that we know that there is some kind of queer community here because Patrick talks about how there's a queer club for youth. There's a whole drag circuit happening; they didn't have that when they were growing up, so he's really happy that things have changed so much. So that means that they have other options. Why are these two together?

Mon: I agree with you. I was just so underwhelmed by it all and really frustrated because if you want to do something different, you want to make a queer film, but you're gonna go down the same road, take the same tropes, then you're not doing anything special.

Ron: Yeah, because then it seems to me like this was a straight film with gay characters in it. And also, why don't we see any other gay people?

Mon: Yeah, there's a hint that somebody in the past may have been in a queer relationship and then what? That kind of validity is required in a story where they're in a small town which isn't accepting them, but no one bats an eyelid. So, what is the point of that? It was like a red herring for the audience. Where does this go? Does this validate anything? No. It has nothing to do with it. I felt like there were two disparate stories which they just put together and said ‘hey we've made something different now. Please applaud us’.

Ron: Like, the ending as well. I actually ended up feeling a bit confused because I was like, hang on. So is he taking the new job, or is he not. And it's just kind of the way it ends, you're like, oh, I guess he's not, but it's not explicit.

I feel like the last act completely fell away. It had no clue what it was doing. They tried to wrap it all up quickly. Everything that had been happening up until that point, just forget about it—pretend it didn't happen because, obviously, it doesn't happen for the characters.

Mon: Even the central premise that this is a Christmas setup. You wouldn't know it, unless you'd seen the name of the film. Because it doesn't really come across as a setup at all.

Ron: I think it would have made more sense for it to be a Christmas setup, had the mother's intentions been a bit more clear. Like, why does she like Patrick for her son? We don't know, we don't even see them interacting. He's bringing a tree for her. That's it. So what is the connection there?

Mon: And what I felt is that set up for the setup was not built up. In the first scene had we realized that Hugo is really lacking in love, okay he's broken up with somebody, but that's okay, That's fine. It happens a lot of times, but it's not like he's feeling this grave loss, or, you know, he's just feeling so lonely. Hence this idea has sprung in Kate’s mind that, ‘oh there’s this guy’.

Maybe Kate’s had some interactions with Patrick which has made her think, yes, ‘he seems really nice. I would love to set him up with my son’. But none of that comes across. Hugo just wants to be home, he wants to get away from work, he doesn't want to think about the pressures of work—the fact that his promotion is not coming—and he wants to hang out with his best friend; he wants to hang out with his mom. And then there's the setup.

Ron: I honestly felt like for the majority of the film, Hugo's story revolved more around his job than his love life. And I thought that this romance that was happening between him and Patrick was just a consequence of them being in this place that they’re both comfortable in during a magical time of the year. But the last act makes it seem like the job was not that important, whereas finding a partner was. It ended up actually being rather jarring as a viewer, if you'd seen the whole thing, because Hugo's final decision just doesn't track with what he'd been fighting so much for from the beginning. And the thing is, I would have understood his decision had we seen him being absolutely and completely miserable at his job. He's not. He really believes in what he's doing. And he really wants to move up in this company. And he's really excited when he gets that call, right?

I'm wondering whether it was that interaction that they have on the roof where Patrick is like ‘lawyers suck’. And he was like, ‘I'm a lawyer’. Do you think that is the part of the reason why he changed his mind? I don't know.

Mon: You’re still trying to do some mental gymnastics to make it all fit and work, but it none of it does. Because at the end of the day, Hugo's magical return home for those few weeks is really dictated by the fact that he's back with his mom, he's hanging out with his best friend, he meets a cute guy, and he solves a mystery. And he saves something that he really loves. Those are great, but this isn't a long-term thing. So, if you take those elements away, what happens? Does Hugo still enjoy being back in his hometown? What is he going to do there? Like does his hometown need a hotshot lawyer? It probably doesn't, but he's worked so hard to get to a great position and he's throwing it all away.

Ron: Yeah, also is Patrick a worthy person to throw it away for?

Mon: That’s what I felt like. Patrick is a really selfish person because he's retired, he has basically nothing to do. So, he's latched on to Hugo—and that's how it came across to me—he's latched on to Hugo, who's a really sweet guy, who's a very smart guy. And that's it. So, he's like ‘no, I won't let you go’. It just seemed to me like it was a very manipulative kind of move by him.

The moment they sort of made an agreement, he just reneges and he makes Hugo feel guilty about it. I don't get it. And then everybody keeps telling Hugo that ‘you belong here’. If Hugo himself doesn't feel like that, then why are we telling him?

And the one person who really should have been telling him ‘you belong here and you stay here’ is his mom. But Kate, on the other hand, she is so happy for him. You can see in every interaction, especially after the cat is out of the bag that he's going away to London. She's the one who's still encouraging him to go and be the best version of himself. Everybody else is like ‘no stay here’. Why?

Ron: I haven't watched too many rom-coms, but in the few that I have seen, this always is the kind of gimmick that they use to keep a character in a place. Like everybody will come and tell them, ‘no you belong here’ or ‘you belong with that person’. I need to see that.

Mon: And we need to feel that, as an audience. We need to really root for them to be here, which we don't know.

Ron: Unfortunately I'm going to choose the job over the guy, sorry.

Mon: How old is Hugo? He's like, early 30s and he's being made partner in a gigantic law firm? Like, to hell with you, Patrick.

Ron: And in New York, like this is a big deal!

Mon: And, he’s being sent to London to expand his horizons. Come on, he’s going to be running the London office, and you give that all up for…Patrick.

Ron: Who you’ve only known for, like, one Christmas week. That's it. No, no.

You know what, I was with this film till the last act. Till that point I was like, oh it’s so sweet, look at how they're getting along. Oh, what's gonna happen? And then the last act happened. I was just like, what, why? It didn't work for me.

Mon: No, I agree with you, It was not a Christmas film.

Ron: I know we’ve talked about the entire film but, going back to the beginning what was with the double entendres?

Mon: Oh, I forgot about them!

Ron: That was so weird, right?

Mon: Yeah, it was really awkward and uncomfortable.

Ron: Yeah, and unnecessary.

Mon: Especially, there was this scene when Patrick has just brought the tree in. And they were framing it in such a way that I felt like they were trying to insinuate something. Hugo’s down on the ground on all fours, trying to fix a tree and Patrick is up top, trying to fix a branch. And I kept trying to think, are they trying to frame it in a particular position to say something? Because we've been so conditioned by all the double entendres up until then, that I thought that they were trying to say something or insinuate something, But it didn't make any sense. I'm guessing it was just an overlong scene where it was just badly made.

Ron: Yeah, it didn't make sense.

Also, despite the fact that Ben Lewis and Blake Lee are married in real life, I could not feel the chemistry on screen.

Mon: No, I agree. I was actually really surprised when you told me that, I was like okay, no.

Ron: They looked comfortable with each other, but yeah that chemistry just didn't come through at all.

Well, moving on to yet another Christmas film.

So, Dashing in December, sees Peter Porte’s Wyatt Burwall return to his ranch to be with his mum during Christmas. His mum, Deb, played by Andie MacDowell, is kind of struggling with the ranch. It's huge. It takes up a lot of money. And it's not really bringing anything in. Wyatt has not been back in years. So, Deb is obviously excited to see him.

But there's a little bit of tension about the ranch and what to do about it, their future, and the future of the horses that they have. And into the mix, we have Juan Pablo Di Pace’s Heath Ramos. Heath has been working on the ranch for a while, and Deb is really fond of him. He's super helpful and kind of almost a stand-in for Wyatt for her.

And we also have Caroline Harris' Blake, who is an old friend of Wyatt’s. And later on, we meet, Carlos Sanz’s Carlos, the former ranch hand, who may or may not be a little bit more important to Deb.

So, [laughing] this movie was an experience in many ways. Considering I had never heard of queer Christmas movies before, this is the fourth queer Christmas film we've seen this year. Each one has been a rollercoaster, in its own way. This was probably the strangest one.

Aside from the fact that the ranch setting is really out there for a queer movie. The characters are really strangely written. And I don't know what they were going for with this. And that ending. Yes, that’s another ending that I'm just not sure about.

Mon: So, Wyatt as a character is generally unlikable. I think they were going with the Scrooge personality for this guy. He's very grumpy at this office party that he's at just before he leaves for the ranch. He has this big project, and he has to take work to the ranch because he needs to finish this deal. And it takes a while—I would say two-thirds of the film—before we realize that his promotion, the project and selling the ranch are all interlinked. So, that goes to show you how good the writing is. #sarcasm

And Wyatt is so invested in selling the ranch because he's paying for it, he's paying the taxes. And obviously, it's not making any money. So, his idea is to basically get it off his mother's hands and sell it to his client.

He goes about convincing his mother in such a terrible fashion. He basically, at the first dinner that he's there, shoves this portfolio of numbers at her. And on the opposite side is Heath, who loves this ranch, he has a magical connection to it from his childhood. And he's obviously really invested in taking care of the horses, taking care of the ranch, taking care of Deb. He does not want to let it go. He also doesn't know how invested Wyatt is in this ranch because he doesn't know about the financial situation. So, Heath basically spends his entire time pushing back against this idea of selling the ranch.

And then there's Wyatt, well, it's his ranch, so he can do whatever he wants. Wyatt is looking at Heath as the ranch employee. Deb is looking at Heath as her son, maybe future son in law. And Heath is just wrapped up in the whole ranch situation. And, among all this, we are supposed to be invested in a love story. Suffice to say it does not go well.

This was so hard to watch, because Wyatt is the worst character ever. I hated this guy. Like, every time he seemed to take a turn where you would end up liking him, he would just do something really horrible. He is a nasty creature.

Ron: There's nothing good about Wyatt. There's no redeeming quality about this man. He is so self-absorbed; he does not see anybody else's point of view. And he's very ‘white savior’. Like, my dude, do you think about the words that come out of your mouth before you speak them?

Mon: And he attacks everyone! So, there’s this dinner scene, which is basically Wyatt’s way of making a special evening for Heath, and somehow Wyatt is the one who ruins it completely.

Ron: That is a complete and utter disaster. And it's all Wyatt’s fault. After that scene, I was like, everybody should wash their hands off this man. Even Deb is disappointed in her son.

Mon: But somehow, the very next scene sees Blake consoling Wyatt, and somehow it's all about Wyatt’s man-pain and not about all the horrible things he just said to the three most important people in his life. I'm just like, what? What is with this writing?

Ron: I have no idea. We’ve got to talk about the fact that Heath is originally from Colombia. There's kind of a weird imbalance because he's also an employee, and Wyatt kind of seems to imply that he can do stuff for Heath to make his life easier. And I'm just like, you do realize that sounds a little bit weird, right? You can give him a job, so he can continue working for you? Aren't you trying to have a relationship? What? It's just that entire scene was so yeurgh.

Mon: One thing I’ll say is, I'm glad Heath stood up for himself. But it's all underdone by the fact that we have to have a happy ending at the end, and it just doesn't work. This entire film was cringe.

Ron: I don't know what they were planning to do with this. They weren’t even trying. Okay, the setting is a bit strange. Why does the family have to have a ranch? I don't get it. It is just so weird because Heath is living on the ranch, but he doesn't have enough space for a Christmas tree and then the water stops working at one point and he has to go and have a shower in the in the main house. I'm just like, this is very upstairs, downstairs. And that's never addressed. So that makes it very uncomfortable for me.

But then his Colombian background is kind of brought in a couple of times but not very much. And, of course, his father ran off with a younger woman. Because let's just throw stereotypes in there for no reason. And why does Heath like Wyatt at all? They have a few conversations which are okay, but there's nothing nice about Wyatt. He's constantly throwing his weight around. He's constantly being condescending. There's nothing nice about him.

Mon: His first interaction with his mom when he arrives; he complains about every single thing. Oh my god! I'm surprised that his mother didn't actually hit him. And she's this long-suffering woman.

Ron: It's the only in that dinner scene later on, where she really looks disappointed, but I'm not sure why she hadn’t thrown him out of the house a long time ago. He's not nice.

Mon: The problem with this film is the structure. We start off with the fact that he's just freshly off a breakup. We also see that he has a lot of work to do. But then we're thrown immediately into, he wants to sell the ranch. But none of that is connected. Structurally, the film doesn't make sense.

Ron: We see him actually working on his whatever he's doing once. And I'm like, all this while, what were you doing? Weren’t you supposed to be bringing work home or something? So yeah, it was really confusing to watch and then, much later on when you see that everything's connected, why didn’t you tell us that sooner?

Mon: Again, the setup for the actual premise is completely hidden, so we're not invested. If you're going to make the character nasty or mean or Scrooge-like, then there has to be a reason why you expect us to be invested in him. And it would make sense if you see him looking at these property taxes and being like, oh my god, how am I gonna do this? And pushing to get more work and a senior position, knowing that, yes, I'll get more money so that I can keep this going. You know if you have that connection, you can sympathize and empathize with this character. Because the ranch is all he has and it’s connected to his father. But we don't get that.

Ron: We know from the beginning that Wyatt hasn’t come home for Christmas in ages. But you only learn why that is much later on. And it’s some kind of sappy reason about why he couldn't live up to his father's expectations, even though his father's been dead for 15 years or something. And I’m just like, what?

Mon: This is a problem with a lot of writing. They forget that there are real reasons why people can't be home for Christmas. Like they have jobs, they work in retail, they work in whatever. They need to finish a project, so you can't do it. That's a realistic but unfortunate reality. Had they included that in, it would have made Wyatt a more sympathetic character, but they don't do any of that.

Ron: I don't even know what Wyatt’s job is! What does he do?

Mon: I agree with you. I didn't get it either.

Ron: I don't get it. He has clients. Okay, what?

Mon: I feel like the creative brief for this film was: we want two gay guys in cowboy hats dancing in one scene. And they made the entire movie around that.

Ron: The same problem that we had with The Christmas Setup, we're having the same problem with Dashing in December. What is the connection between Wyatt and Heath? Literally the only thing they have in common is that they’re both gay.

Mon: There's this scene, right, where Heath’s like, oh you're gay? And Wyatt already knows he’s gay, that means Deb told Wyatt about Heath, but she didn't tell Heath about Wyatt. Which doesn't make sense to me, because isn’t that playing favorites?

Ron: And also, we learn later on that she was trying to set them up. So then why, would you not tell him? Why would you want to spring that on him?

Mon: And that also means that Deb doesn’t talk about Wyatt when he's away. Heath’s been here for at least a few years now. How have they not talking about him and his previous relationships? The guy apparently has a revolving door of relationships.

Ron: It's only after they start getting together that Heath finds out about all these endless relationships and he doesn't want to be just another person in that. Why is all this information coming so much later? Look at the time span. It's what, one week, maybe less? And we’re supposed to believe that these two have fallen in love and they want to be together forever? Like, dude, you literally have no other options in this place. That's why you like this guy.

Mon: I agree with you.

Ron: There are all these weird stereotypes that keep coming in. Like, of course the poor person of color will not have had any relationships, even though he's been out for a while. In the 21st century, how are we seeing this?

Mon: Yeah, I was really disappointed in this. It was structurally a mess. I didn't care about many of the characters, I definitely hated Wyatt, who is our protagonist, and it played out in this series of tropes and disconnected events. It just didn't work for me.

Ron: In the beginning, why do they keep saying the years so specifically?

Mon: Right? I noticed that as well. Every other dialogue was like ‘he's been gone five years’, ‘he joined three years ago’, so and so died 15 years ago’. What is this? History?

Ron: There were so many years thrown at us? I was like, how many years has Wyatt not been here? How many years has he been working with them? When did Deb go see him? I don't know! Way too much information. Nobody needs to know all this. It literally felt like, when you're writing your first draft, you end up being very specific and then after that, you revise it and stuff and realise that nobody needs to know this information. It's like that that stage was missed.

Mon: Calling it the first draft feels authentic, because that's exactly how this film felt.

Ron: There were certain scenes that felt like they’d made alternate versions. And I don't know why it felt to me but it really did. Especially that scene after the dinner with the projector, and Blake is telling Wyatt that everything is going to be okay. This feels very much like they shot something else which didn't work so they put this in because they’d already shot it. And it really just me out of the experience of watching the movie. And then in the end for Heath to be with Wyatt is just so stupid.

Mon: Everybody gets their little romantic happy ending. But I felt this was a bad choice. At one point, Wyatt even tells his mother that Heath can do better than him. But Heath doesn't. I just don't understand.

Ron: We are told that apparently there aren’t many gay people in this particular area. But that doesn't mean that there are no gay people anywhere else. If Heath really wants to have a relationship with somebody then he can go somewhere else. His only choice shouldn't have to be Wyatt. I think that's my main problem with the two films that we're talking about today. It's like the gay characters literally have no other choice but each other. And that feels tokenistic.

We were talking about this in our previous episode about new Christmas films that we've been catching up with. And we had the same problem with The Christmas House, where the gay couple over there, who were at least a bit more settled, and actually fit, were the only gay characters. But is with happy season which he lost his spot. Whereas with The Happiest Season, which we’d also spoken about in the previous episode, you got a feeling that there were other gay people around, that there was a gay community. We saw the gay bar that they went to.

Whereas with The Christmas Setup, they talk about it, but we never see it. So, it feels very much like they don't have a choice, but that's not how these romantic stories should go. The whole point is for you to see that there are lots of people around in the world, and you find the one among those people. In a straight story, that's what would happen. But these stories, they don't give us that choice and that's really not fair.

Mon: What bothers me is that if you're going to say that in this small town, there are no other gay people, there's not much choice, then this being a Christmas movie, the Christmas miracle shouldn't be that these two people are now settling for each other. It should be that they’ve finally found each other. And that means you need to make them both likable, which you did not.

Ron: What kind of name is Heath for a Colombian? It’s literally like they couldn't think of any name so they just came up with whatever they wanted. It really feels like this movie was phoned in.

Mon: That's a really good way of putting it. It does feel like this movie was phoned in.

Ron: But also, I find it really funny that with Tyrese Gibson, Fran Drescher, Andie Macdowell, all the people we watched growing up, are now the parents of these protagonists!

Mon: I guess that tells you something.

Ron: I was really hoping for something fun.

Mon: That's the key ingredient that is missing from these films, the fun factor. It's not enjoyable. Because you're so wrapped up in everything that's wrong with these people because they are not great people.

Ron: And it's drama for drama sake.

Mon: You're so right.

Ron: I don't want to be too negative in the sense that, at least we're getting queer content. But come on, we can do so much better than this. Three out of the four Christmas films that we've spoken about over the last two episodes have had couples who are newish, hoping to have a life together, and all them feel toxic.

Mon: Well said, you’re right. And that worries me because is that the case of all romantic films? You and I, not being experts in the romance category, makes me worry that this is the norm and you and I just don't know it.

Ron: Eww. I really hope not. What kind of message is that sending out? I'm hoping that this is just the beginning, and next year we're going to get all sorts of queer films that will be much more holistic and joyful and actually magical and not like these.

Mon: Here’s hoping.

Mon: Shifting away from anything Christmas, we are going to be talking about some books that we've been listening to. Yes, listening to, because we love audiobooks. And listening to audiobooks frees up time to do other stuff. Because in today's day and age, you need time.

One of the books that has been on my list for a really, really long time is the Three-Body Problem, written by Liu Cixin and translated by his brother, Ken Liu. This book series is a sci-fi and it's apparently being adapted for a TV series. I've been meaning to read this series for quite some time and I finally got it from my library. I read the first part, which is called Remembrance of Earth’s Past.

I like to think of myself as a sci-fi fan. I love sci fi films. I have very little patience with many sci fi books because they don’t try too hard. With this book, I came away really confused. The science fiction elements of it, they're all grounded in real science. Whether it’s actually real, don't ask me. I don't have a scientific background. But it's very much about formulae and stuff like that. They don't just say ‘quantum’ in front of everything.

But I don't know if it's the translation or if it is the intent of the author to make this book about characters who almost always come across as caricatures. It feels like he wrote this book with his tongue firmly in his cheek. But at the same time, not. I just don't know how I feel about this book. I am invested in this story but not in the characters. The characters are so flat, they just don't have any dimension to them.

The funniest thing is, the one character who's pretty much dead inside because she's seen stuff. She, to me, came across as the most multi-dimensional. And she's surrounded by all these male characters who just keep talking. But there's just nothing about them that brings them to life. I think the writer was more invested in creating these labs, this world, rather than creating his characters.

The biggest problem for me with this book was that it starts off with this rather grueling, brutal scene of this almost realistic occurrence. You can imagine a world where there is civil war or unrest, it could lead to an event like this, and is witnessed by this young person, and it affects her.

But then it goes bonkers. Then it becomes all this science stuff. And then there are aliens involved. And I am just like, do I like this book? Or am I just confused? And this book is award-winning; people love it. You definitely know how much they love it because now it's becoming a TV series. How are they going to convert any part of this particular book? I don't know about the two sequels. But this book is so much more about the machines that are working, the information that the machines are giving you. There’s so little of the characters that unless this TV show is going to be all spectacle, and no people, I don't know what they're planning to do.

And I kept feeling like there was supposed to be a political undercurrent. And there is, but it sort of got drowned out, especially in the last act by this weird, insane war that is coming or has come or will come. What even is this? Suffice to say that the concepts of this book worked in small doses. And then not so much. Like the main title of this book is actually a game, but the game has ramifications that go beyond just being a game. Again, there are these little bits which are so much more fascinating. But every time you get invested in it, that's it, the author pulls out.

I just don't know. I think that if you're interested in science and scientific, science-y language, and people doing science. This may scratch that itch, but at the same time it's so convoluted and confused, that you may come across as not being 100% invested in this world. I do wonder if the two sequels do draw you in more but before I can get to that I need a huge break.

Ron: Well, unlike you, the book series that I was listening to, I have no doubts how I feel about it. And that is: I absolutely despise it.

Mon: Oh, wow.

Ron: So, I had no idea of what Chaos Walking is. But they're making a movie out of it. And Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley from Spider-Man and Star Wars are going to be in it, so I thought, I'm gonna go check out the books.

The first book, The Knife of Never Letting Go, I quite liked the concepts. The main character Todd Hewitt is an idiot. I have no interest in this character. He is bland. He is uninteresting. He is very monotone and one-dimensional. He literally just gets to the end on the strengths of other characters. There is one female character in this book who has a fairly large role, but yeah, she's nothing more than damsel in distress and she does not speak for most of the book.

But the world that it's set in and some of the reactions that people have to being there, those I didn’t mind. I like the world-building. It’s just the character brought it down quite a bit. I also found the religious elements really jarring. I get that human beings need some religion and stuff. Why do we automatically have to assume that they're going to be Christians? I'm not sure how that works? It didn't feel like an universal experience was being captured in this book.

But then I got to the next two books and wow did it fall away. The second book was nothing short of a disaster. The Ask and the Answer tries to expand what we know of the world and actually ends up making it so much worse. The female character that we met in the first book, Viola, finally gets her own point of view. But her entire inner life surrounds Todd. Which makes absolutely no sense, because in the prequel to the first book, she lost her parents when she crash-landed on this planet. But somehow, all her inner thoughts are about this boy she just met and who is a loser. I'm so confused.

But then it gets worse. We learn that there is this native species who have been happily living on this world. And the humans that have arrived are basically colonising it. And they have enslaved the native race. Okay, fine. Are you trying to make a statement about what has really been happening with colonisation? Well, maybe the author wasn't reading the same history books I was. Because, my God, I don't know what he was thinking. There is a scene in this book that is so similar to the Jallianwala Bagh incident. And I was just like, you know what, only somebody who has not read this as part of their history would write this scene into his book and do it entirely from the colonisers’ point of view. And we are supposed to sympathize with Todd, who is so sad that these poor natives have been killed in front of him. Oh god, this book is so bad.

The third book is slightly Better than the second. We get a third point of view along with Todd and Viola’s, we got somebody from the massacre who has survived. But of course, he's angry and vengeful and does not care about anything else but trying to kill people. He still manages to be the most interesting part of the entire book, and also appears to be queer, it's hard to tell with this book. But nothing happens in this third book, Monsters of Men. It's so repetitive that there were times when I was actually wondering to myself if I was listening to the same chapters over and over again. Nothing happens. This book could have been one third the length, because so little happens in it. And it keeps trying to tell us that this connection between Todd and Viola is so strong that they’re ready to wage war for each other. And I'm like, really, for this guy?

What is frustrating was that Viola’s inner life is still, in the third book, concerned primarily with Todd, who still does nothing to deserve it. In fact, the longer you read this series, the more horrendous Todd becomes because not only is he self-absorbed and completely clueless about what is happening around him, even though it's happening right in front of his face. But he's so dumb! Like, my dude, what do you think is happening. People are fighting and you're siding with the person who's strongest because that's keeping you protected? And somehow that's supposed to making a good guy. Please don't ask me what this author was thinking, because I can't understand it.

And what’s frustrating is that from the start of the series to the end of the series. Todd has had no growth, but everybody keeps telling us that he has. He has grown so much, he has learned so much. Look at all the stuff that he's doing. He's not doing anything. He just keeps screaming all the time. It is such a disaster of a series. And I'm so annoyed that books like this that are so othering for anybody who's not a white dude or a white woman is the kind of book that's going to be made into a movie, which would probably be a huge blockbuster.

Mon: Well, one can hope not considering the production delays. I'm hoping it's an absolute disaster. And Daisy Ridley and Tom Holland completely washed their hands off it.

Ron: I have no hope for this. I'm just annoyed that something like this is actually even being optioned for film.

Mon: I agree with you. It sounds terrible.

Ron: The first book, I didn't mind the concepts in it, it was interesting. But the thing is that, the moment you start doing the race stuff, and you don't know what you're doing, it becomes obvious. And the second book, like literally that that scene was so reminiscent of Jallianwala Bagh, I was just like, do you not know what is happening in the world, what has happened in the world before it? How can you write this stuff, do you know the context that you're writing about? And to write it from Todd's point of view is just disgusting. Please refer to the show notes for a link.

Mon: Right. Going on to something a little bit lighter, but not sure if it's any better. Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston. I heard about this book on NPR’s ‘Pop Culture Happy Hour’. I have a habit of reading books on recommendation which gives me a wide, diverse variety of books to read. But a lot of times I don't like them. I wouldn't say I didn't like this book. What's this book about and why did I pick it up? This book is about the FSOTUS, the first son of the United States, Alex Claremont-Diaz, he’s a go getter and he has his eyes on the prize.

Currently, it is a very, very stressful time for his family. They are in the midst of a re-election campaign. And there is another senator who is champing at the bit to grab the big seat. Alex is very smart. He's very intelligent. He has an equally intelligent and smart sister, and his best friend. Everything's going well when they are invited to the royal wedding. And an incident takes place between Alex and his nemesis, the prince of England.

So, to save this PR scandal, Alex and Prince Henry, yes, that's his name in the book, they are told that they have to hang out together so that nobody thinks that England and the United States are at war, because of these two brats. Anyway, turns out the two of them have more in common than they expected. And then socio-political stuff will get in the way of their new found friendship. Or is it more?

This book was an experience. It is so much high drama, and set in a world that is completely removed from anything that we can imagine. We’re talking about people who literally live in Buckingham Palace and the White House.

Ron: Yeah, you're not gonna meet them on the street.

Mon: Exactly. And it’s so far fetched that you could either be completely invested in this world, or you're like, this is ridiculous. This book was like reading a Bollywood film. Everything is overdramatic, everything is high stakes, like every single move they make is the end of the world.

Ron: Oh my gosh.

Mon: A lot of it is told in text messages and emails. Which I guess works more when you're reading it, less when you're listening to it. I would say that the rest of it, because it's so dialogue heavy, it does feel like you're listening to a play when you're listening to the audiobook. That’s quite good. But my biggest issue with this book and why I couldn't be invested in it was because it really came across as fanfiction.

Ron: Oh no.

Mon: I don't know if that was the author's intent. But why on earth did the younger prince have to be called Prince Henry. Why did he have to have sandy hair and have gone to the army and this and that? And I'm like, really? This is like complete and utter fanfiction. I just wish that they had chosen anything different about this prince, because that completely ruined the experience for me, and I just cringed every time he comes on the page.

What I did like is that this is very new age. There are people of different sexualities, different genders. So that was really nice. There's a lot of interplay and banter between different kinds of characters. So that was fun. It's very interactive; the world is very different. I just finished the drama had been dialed down. It’s really dramatic. With everything, the world is ending. I get it, you are FSOTUS and he is the prince of England. Maybe you guys should have talked about it a little bit more.

I was surprised at how R-rated this book is. I thought this was just a YA book, but maybe this passes for YA, I don't know.

Ron: Did the NPR people mention that?

Mon: They did not. I feel like they only read the first few chapters and then they recommended it.

Ron: Oh no!

Mon: Yeah, stuff gets really hot and heavy later on. There's going to be a huge audience who actually loves this book. And I wouldn't be surprised if they are vocal about it. I would actually also not be surprised if it was optioned for a film because it is very visual, in the sense that it's so dialogue heavy, the characters really come alive. And considering the political space that we’re all in and how political we all feel this might be the kind of book which lends itself to a movie for varied audiences. I just don't think romance novels are for me.

Ron: But you gave it a shot.

Mon: I know reading different kinds of things, broadening my horizons. I guess romance is one thing that I will constantly find myself dabbling in and be like, not really.

Ron: It's just not the genre that speaks to us.

Mon: Yeah, that's true. If it's fun, I guess it's okay. But this was not fun because of all the drama. I get it, they're high stakes. It's just, tone it down.

Ron: Did you find that there was anything that you could actually resonate with despite the fact that it's about the FSOTUS and the prince of England?

Mon: Absolutely not. Also, they drink too much. I don't understand. Everybody's always drunk. Stop already.

Ron: But then what is the appeal of this kind of story, if you can't see yourself in it at all? Is it just aspirational then?

Mon: I think so. It's a little bit of a magical Prince Charming kind of book. So, I guess you could call it a Disney fairytale, but for a more representative audience. So, this is not all bad. It's just not for me.

Ron: That's interesting.

Mon: I think that there's not been that much queer content, so people will be hungry for more. And we'll get some good stuff. We've got some bad stuff. And we'll get some stuff which is for particular audiences and not for others. So yeah, I think this is gonna be exciting for some groups.

Ron: Well, it's great to see that we have the kind of career content we do. Just, we need to see who's behind the scenes, because it's not coming across as well as it should.

Mon: Yeah, I think it needs to be a bit more fresh. Because we are so inured to the stereotypes that we've already seen, and the tropes that we've already been faced with in so much pop culture, that just placing queer characters in those same tropes and stereotypes doesn't work. We've all grown out of that, we need more. And there's so many stories to tell.

So, like this book, Red, White and Royal Blue is it's a different take on the regular romance novel. But at the same time, it has its own issues. Every property does have issues and I'm not saying that we need to hold queer properties at higher standard. I'm just saying, we need to move beyond being safe. You can't get a pat on the back just because you put queer characters in your movie or in your book. You need to do more, you need to be more realistic or more fun.

Ron: And it needs to be more representative of the real queer experience and not just queer stories transplanted into state stories.

Mon: Agreed.

Ron: What have you been busy with? Let us know.

Ron: You can find us on Twitter @Stereo_Geeks. Or send us an email [email protected]

Ron: We hope you enjoyed this episode. And see you next week!

Mon: The Stereo Geeks logo was created using Canva. The music for our podcast comes courtesy Audionautix.

[Snowflake by GeriArt by Pixabay plays]

Transcription by Otter.ai and Mon and Ron.

#stereo geeks #chaos walking #christmas #christmas setup #dashing in december #three-body problem #podcast

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romansrace · 4 years

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What if: in All Stars 1 the weakest queens by track record from their seasons got to choose their preferred partners? That is: Tammie, Mimi, Pandora, Latrice, Shannel and Yara.

The six queens remaining to choose from are: Manila Luzon, Alexis Mateo, Chad Michaels, Raven, Jujubee, and Nina Flowers. Starting from lowest placement in their original seasons: Assuming the queens pick the same as they did originally, Tammie gets her first pick, Nina Mimi gets HER first pick, Chad Pandora picks Jujubee and Latrice picks Manila, all as previously. Yara picks Alexis when choosing between Alexis and Raven, leaving Raven to pair with Shannel this time around. So our teams are: Yarlexis Brown Flowers Latrila Jujudora Mimichaels Rannel

Let’s see how THAT season would play out, after the jump.

Episode 1 is the photo challenge. Given Chad and Mimi were individually in the bottom originally, they're shoe-ins for it as a team here. Originally they were joined by Pandora and Shannel, but those queens are no longer working together. Latrila win the episode as before, with Jujudora now High as Pandora and Juju play much better together in the main challenge and on the runway. As a result, Yarlexis, who were originally just Low, now B2, with Raven's and Tammie's teams placing High and Safe respectively. Chad lipsyncs against and defeats both Yara and Alexis to Paula Abdul.

Episode 2 is the first comedy challenge, originally won by Yarlexis who are no longer with us. Shad were High while Rujubee were Low and everyone else B2. However, we have neither Shad nor Rujubee either in this scenario. Going by Chad’s track record and Mimi's performances outside the show (e.g. Queens' Roast), I actually see team Mimichaels winning this challenge, with Mimi delivering a shocking series of close to the bone insults against Chad's appalled Bette Davis. Pandora and Jujubee will take the High spot as Juju was next highest in the challenge and we know Pandora is a comedy queen who would have many tricks up her sleeve to play with Juju's Fran Drescher. In the bottom 3 teams things get a little more interesting here. Both Raven and Shannel were carried by their partners in the original challenge, while Manila received high praise for her Madonna - though not enough to save Latrice's flimsy Oprah. Here, that's enough to give Latrila the Low while team Rannel fall into B2 against Brown Flowers. Team Rannel choose Shannel to lipsync and she exudes regal energy, capturing the oldtime classic There's No Business Like Show Business at first, but in a shocking twist, as the song goes on Ru and the judges are cracking up at Tammie's manic energy and Ru ultimately decides to give Brown Flowers the shantay. Shannel and Raven are eliminated in 9th/10th place.

Episode 3 is the queens out in public episode, where the queens had to convince members of the public to perform pranks with them. Our teams remaining and queens included are: Mimichaels [Mimi Imfurst and Chad Michaels] Brown Flowers [Tammie Brown and Nina Flowers] Latrila [Manila Luzon and Latrice Royale] Jujudora [Pandora Boxx and Jujubee]

Latrila are now the only original team remaining who made it to this stage of the real All Stars S1, and in the original challenge, they did not do well, landing assuredly in the B2. Of the others, I actually see Tammie on the street actually doing best in this challenge by looking very much the figure of a comedy drag queen, using both her natural charisma and non-sexually threatening appearance to engage a broad swathe of the public without the risk of being offputting. Chad and Mimi, by this point struggling to work together, bicker through the challenge and let that distract them from picking up the most points, while whichever of Pandora or Jujubee goes onto the streets will do alright but not the best due to respectively Pandora's shyness and Jujubee's cute look causing passersby not to take her seriously. As such, team Brown Flowers convincingly win this challenge despite a somewhat scrappy runway from Tammie, as Pandora's runway with Juju is not much better. Jujudora are Safe and Mimichaels and Latrila have to B2. In a redo of their top 4 lipsync at this stage in season 4, Chad lipsyncs vs Latrice, this time to Janet Jackson's Nasty, which Chad wins, and as in the original at this stage, Latrice and Manila are eliminated in 7th/8th place.

Episode 4 is the makeover/girl group challenge. Kelly Osbourne, Jillian Hervey and Kady Z join the remaining queens to create three girl groups. From the off, this is Brown Flowers' challenge to lose as neither Nina nor Tammie is comfortable in musical challenges of this nature, one being responsible for Tammie's original elimination in season 1. As for the other placements, Chad originally won this challenge with Shannel, while Juju and Raven received harsh critiques and landed B2. Although Mimi is unlikely to help elevate Chad, Pandora is even less likely to help elevate Juju or pick up on aspects she missed in the original challenge, so for that reason, Jujudora join Brown Flowers in the B2 while Chad and Mimi win their second challenge. Juju performs Don'tCha by the Pussycat Dolls against Tammie and while it's a hilarious, side-splitting performance from Tammie Brown who really engages in the comedy potential of the song this time, the better performance goes to Jujubee and team Brown Flowers are knocked out in 5th/6th place.

We come to episode 5, and who could have called the top 4 quens of All Stars 1 including Pandora Boxx and Mimi Imfurst along with Jujubee and Chad Michaels? This episode has the queens dressing as superheroes and supervillains and coming up with backstory. Originally, Juju struggled in this challenge while it was won by Chad, with Juju the weakest member of her team and Chad the strongest member. Although I think Juju would play better with Pandora, at this point in the season Chad's ongoing storyline with Mimi has essentially been that of the superhero and supervillain and this allows them to embody their characters on stage. Chad and Mimi win this challenge also, while Pandora and Juju lipsync to Robyn. As in the original season, this lipsync ends in a double shantay.

The final episode splits the queens into individuals to compete. At this point the queens' track record is: Chad/Mimi: B2-W-B2-W-W Juju/Pandy: H-H-S-B2-B2 The challenges on this episode included interviews, presenting, and a comedy routine. Originally, Chad excelled at all three challenges and the final runway, while Juju excelled in the comedy but struggled in the interview and on the runway. This time, Juju does not have Raven to outshine her, and will likely have been the dominant partner in the pairing with Pandora. From track record in her original season, Pandora struggled at interviews and runway, but would excel at a comedy live performance. In this season, Mimi has won a comedy challenge off her own back, but will likely behave as Shannel did in the original challenge and talk over the other girls, while her runways won't save her. As such, I see Ru deciding to eliminate Mimi and Pandora (ironically enough) in 3rd/4th and letting Juju lipsync for the crown against Chad Michaels... which, as in the original season, leads to a Chad victory.

FULL RESULTS: Chad Michaels: Winner Jujubee: 2nd Mimi Imfurst: 3rd/4th Pandora Boxx: 3rd/4th Nina Flowers: 5th/6th Tammie Brown: 5th/6th Manila Luzon: 7th/8th Latrice Royale: 7th/8th Raven: 9th/10th Shannel: 9th/10th Alexis Mateo: 11th/12th Yara Sofia: 11th/12th

#drag race all stars #rpdr all stars 1 #as1 #tammie brown #mimi imfurst #pandora boxx #latrice royale #shannel #yara sofia #chad michaels #drag race what ifs #fantasy drag race #what if

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kurlyq722 · 7 years

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Excerpt for DHKY Ch. 44-’Til Death--Mercedes/Rachel Excerpt

When Mercedes did finally wake up, it was cuddled up next to the warm but empty expanse of pillow and blanket beside her. Still slightly disoriented, she felt around in the darkness for Sam, but couldn’t find his body in the emptiness. Before she could question his absence, her phone vibrated, for the second time, underneath her head. She fished out her cell from underneath her pillow with an annoyed groan, squinting at the bright display to search for a name before answering.

“Whoever the hell this is, why the hell are you calling me at….” Mercedes checked her phone display once more for the time. “Three thirty-five in the morning? Is everything okay?”

“Mercedes! The third most amazing thing in the history of amazing things happened to me today! Oh, and Happy Holidays, by the way.” Rachel always spoke in an out of breath rush whenever she was excited, like her emotions were running a physical marathon. “I just had to call someone and tell them immediately. I tried calling everyone else, but you were the first person that actually answered.”

“Because I was the only idiot that would answer a three-a.m. call from a private number.” Mercedes grumbled, sitting up to rest her back on the doorframe. “Why are you calling from a private number anyway?”

“Guess who’s phone I’m using to call you? And before you guess incorrectly, no, it’s not Barbra or Bette. But, it is another one of my favorite Jews! Can you guess?” Rachel asked eagerly. “I’m gonna tell you if you don’t guess it in the next five seconds.”

“I don’t really know, Rachel. My thoughts on show-biz Jews aren’t favorable at the moment.” Mercedes grumpily replied, side-eyeing her phone. “Who?”

“Fran Drescher!” A beat of confused silence from Mercedes followed. “Alright, I know what you’re thinking. Since when is Fran Drescher one of my favorite Jews? And your second question is probably, how in the world did I meet her, right?”

“Yes and yes.”

“Well, while I’ve never been a long-time fan of The Nanny, partly because of its mixed reputation in the Jewish community and partly because my dads wouldn’t allow me to have any Hasidic female influences in risqué clothing with a comedy show on CBS, I found one of her memoirs in this quaint little bookstore in Brooklyn called David’s Stars, which I thought was such a cute spin on star of David since, y’know, they only sell Jewish literature and memorabilia, which is where, interestingly enough, I found the best freshly baked Italian baguettes I’ve ever found in the entire city, and they go darling with this green tea no whip frappe that I found at this new coffee shop I’m obsessed with—“

“Just get to the point, Rachel!”

“Okay!” Rachel pulled the phone away from her ear in disgust. “Someone’s not a morning person, obviously.”

“No, I’m not a three-a.m. morning person, Rachel. There’s a difference.” Mercedes explained, in annoyed deadpan. “Get to the point.”

“Right. So, I made the move to New York after graduation, as you well know, and found an agent. I took a brief break from auditioning after Finn and I broke up, just to give myself a month or two to grieve, process, and journal about it for my future autobiography, and tried my hand at being a waitress at this cute little dining masterpiece called the Spotlight Diner in Manhattan. Apparently, lots of actors apply to work there, since a lot of the Broadway and Hollywood elite stop by to dine there. Well, sure enough, the illustrious Ms. Drescher shows up at one of my tables! Word on the street was that she was trying to do a one-woman musical based on the series, but it never quite hit the ground running in the way she’d hoped. Naturally, being ever the chameleon, I walked to the table with a tray of hot mugs of lemon water, cool and collected, and opened with a modest and sincere compliment of her book. I even made references and quotes to prove that I wasn’t just another actor fishing for an opportunity.”

“But, you are just another actor fishing for an op—“

“Ah, ah! She didn’t have to know that!” Rachel indignantly insisted. “We ended up hitting it off really well, thank you very much. So much so that she called my agency the next day and asked for me! She said that she really liked my look—which is something I’ve never heard in my life—and wanted me to come and audition for her!”

That little tidbit actually woke Mercedes up. “Rachel, that’s amazing! So I’m assuming you got the part for….whatever the audition was for?”

“Wait, Mercedes! Let me tell the story!” Rachel laughed, happy to hear that she was finally awake and engaged. “So, at first, the audition doesn’t give any details, just that it was some new pilot that Ms. Drescher was pitching and she wanted some fresh talent. Then, during callbacks, we had to read a monologue piece for this character named “Eve”. And I thought that name sounded a bit familiar, like I’d heard it recently. Then, it occurred to me, I heard that name on an episode of The Nanny I’d watched the night before! You know, for research.” It shamed Rachel to admit that she’d gone on an entire series binge the day of her initial audition. Loathe as she was to admit it, gaudily dressed and brash Fran Fine was her new life icon. “Eve was the name of her character’s daughter! By the time I finally put two and two together, Ms. Drescher herself pulled me aside and told me that, although they hadn’t done official calls yet, that I’d gotten the part of Eve! They’re doing a sequel series to The Nanny called The Babysitter, centered around her daughter, Eve of course, who wants to become a famous actress. To do that, she believes that she has to step out of her rich and lavish lifestyle and really slum it with the masses, to get an idea of what it’s like to be a real working class woman.”

“You were literally cast as a TV version of yourself. I love it.” laughed Mercedes. “No wonder you were perfect for the role.”

“Eve decides to go back to her mom’s old neighborhood in Flushing to babysit her childhood best friend Val’s five kids. Naturally, hijinks and hilarity ensue. I’m so excited! This is my first major comedic role! It’s not Funny Girl or Broadway, but it’s certainly something big!” Rachel squealed. “I asked Ms. Drescher to borrow her phone so I could make calls to my family and friends because my phone died. I better go soon, though. I’ve been locked in her dressing room, making calls for the past hour. She might grow suspicious.”

“That’s amazing, Rach. I’m so, so proud of you.” Mercedes smiled, stifling a yawn. “And I’m glad you’re handing the Finn breakup so well.”

“Yeah, well…..” Rachel paused, shrugging off the bit of melancholy that passed over her. “We’re going in different directions right now. He’s run off to backpack in Fiji, of all god-forsaken places, to try and find himself. I wanted to be here in New York, starting my career. If our paths are meant to cross again, I’m sure it will. And when you think about it, the thought of us just continuing after high school was a bit much. I mean, who really has a lasting relationship with their high school sweetheart?” Rachel gasped and quickly covered her mouth, catching her own error. “Shit, I didn’t mean it like that, Mercedes. You and Sam are obvious exceptions.”

“Oh, yeah. Yeah, I know.” But Mercedes’s reply was half-hearted and unconvincing, even to herself. She kept staring at the empty space and rumpled covers next to her, wondering where Sam had run off to. “Sam and I decided to get married this coming Monday, by the way. Did I tell you?”

“NO! No, you did NOT tell me, Mercedes Jones! Oh my god!” screamed Rachel, shrieking in excitement in Mercedes’s ear. “See? If I didn’t call you, I never would’ve known! You really need to start speaking up, girl.”

“Yes.” Mercedes rolled her eyes to the heavens. “Apparently, ‘not speaking up enough’ has become a new habit of mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ll tell you later. Promise.” sighed Mercedes, rising to her feet. She had a sudden craving for some hot chocolate, now that she was fully awake. “But I really am happy for you, girl.”

Rachel grinned into her speaker, covering her mouth. “Thanks, diva. I knew I could count on you for support. But seriously, keep in touch, alright? Everyone from Glee club’s been in touch with everyone else but you and Sam. It’s like you guys are in a bubble or something.”

“A bubble that might’ve already burst.” Mercedes mumbled under her breath, tiptoeing down the stairs.

“Whadya say?”

“I said college is the worst. It eats up all of your time.” Mercedes flicked the lights on in the kitchen, slowly opening the cupboards to retrieve a pot, a giant mug and the appropriate ingredients to make a peppermint version of the classic holiday drink. It wouldn’t be Christmas without some form of peppermint. “Between my classes, work and functioning as a human being, I barely have time to look at my phone anymore. It’s been really hard, trying to be the ‘normal’ girl I was in high school.”

“Ugh, I know! Tell me about it. I’m glad I took some time off to audition and regroup. If I hadn’t, I might have missed this amazing opportunity!” gushed Rachel. Then, in an unusual display of selflessness, she continued, in the gentlest voice, “And despite whatever’s going on with you, I know your next opportunity is right around the corner. I see nothing but goodness for you too, Mercedes.”

The sentiment stunned her. “Thanks, Rachel.” she smiled, blinking away her tears when the contents of her pot began to bubble and rise on the stovetop. Turning off the burner, Mercedes walked softly to the fridge, careful to step over the creaking spots on the floor, for a carton of milk and some vanilla. Nettie always kept her vanilla in the fridge, to “keep it fresh”, as she explained. “The goodness I see seems so far away, but I know it’s real.”

“Of course it is, babe.” Rachel assured. “Happiness is just a……” A knocking sound interrupted on Rachel’s end. “Oh, I think I have to go. That’s my cue.”

“Go ahead, I understand.” Mercedes smiled half-heartedly, already saddened by her absence. Rachel had been a surprisingly welcome distraction. “I have to go, too. I’m making some peppermint hot chocolate.”

“Ooh, yum! Enjoy! And I’m so sorry I can’t be there for your wedding, but please tell the rest of the gang that you’re getting married on Monday. You need to have at least one of your friends there to support you! Are you planning on having an actual ceremony afterward or is it just the quick, courthouse way?”

“No, we do want a ceremony, eventually. We just got tired of not being married, you know? After all our time together, we might as well do it.” Mercedes cringed slightly at her own explanation. Surely, there were more romantic, loving ways to explain their choice to marry. “When we do have a ceremony, everyone’ll be invited, I promise. For now, it’ll just be us and the minister.”

“Well…ok, I guess. Not what I pictured for you guys, but It’s your life and I respect it.” Rachel replied, trying in vain to hide her reservations. “Can’t wait for the future wedding invite! Congrats to you both in advance!”

“Congrats to you too, girl! Talk to you again soon. Can’t wait to see you on TV!” Mercedes smiled at Rachel’s quick sentiments and goodbyes, ending the call before pouring herself a tall mug of hot chocolate. Leaning her back against the counter, she held the piping hot cup to her lips and let the steam waft across her nose, warming her face, before taking her first sip. The heat scalded her tongue a bit, but it felt deliciously comforting traveling down her throat. The lingering cool of peppermint invigorated her, and for a moment, it finally felt like Christmas.

Mercedes wandered to the living room to gaze at the Christmas tree. A quick glance toward the doorway as she passed made her realize that Sam’s shoes and jacket were missing. Instead of jumping to conclusions and fearing the worst, Mercedes chose to settle in on her grandmother’s recliner, nestled right next to the twinkling multicolored lights, and let the festive mood envelop her.

She hummed a version of Silent Night under her breath, one of her late grandfather’s favorite carols, in between sips from her mug, comforting herself as she waited for Sam to return from wherever he’d gone.

Because he would come back. He had to.

Sam wouldn’t abandon his family. He wouldn’t abandon her.

O-O

#Samcedes #Samcedes fanfiction #does he know you #chapter 44 #'til death #Mercedes/Rachel Exerpt

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