#not fault tho when I was working on it our relationship was perfectly fine and I did change the character still the link is here | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

pandoraslxna · 7 months

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I have a bit of a huge question and I was wondering if I could get your input on it? I haven’t told anybody about this before but I feel comfortable enough saying it anonymously here! (Thank you for always offering everybody such kindness and openness)

So basically during my first time having sex, with my ex a year or so ago, I was unable to be satisfied throughout our multiple attempts. I originally thought this was due to inexperience yet I managed to get him off just fine? I also started thinking men just reach the finish line quicker, but I couldn’t say that to his face bc yk.. he’s one of those guys who takes anything as a threat to his masculinity (hence why he’s an ex lol). And so it got to a point where we were just too tired and gave up. This has bugged me ever since because I was in love with this man, yet the moment things got intimate, I felt uncomfortable being pleasured and dry as a dessert the entire time. (Even with lube and all the proper preparation, foreplay, setting the mood within the room etc.) I could pleasure him just fine tho? It didn’t make me uncomfortable at all and was fairly enjoyable. Is there just something wrong with me? I’m honestly still embarrassed to this day because I assured him it wasn’t his fault, what if he thinks I’m messed up. Since then I haven’t been in another serious relationship, too busy with work and family matters. But I always seem to get myself off just fine, heck I’d go as far to say I am far more attracted to our beautiful blue men than I ever was to him, maybe that is the reason? Or his general persona may have been off putting but I was convinced I felt love? I honestly do not know and I’m nervous to try again.

I’m sorry if this is a bit intense, I figured this would be the best place to ask, you do not have to answer if you are uncomfortable at all. Thank you Luna 💙

The first thing that comes to my mind is that maybe you were too tense or stressed to enjoy it properly? And yes this can happen even with enough foreplay and everything. Maybe you were too focused on him and how he felt, or maybe you were just overthinking a lot and unknowingly put yourself under pressure (this can happen especially when we desperately hope for an orgasm) which leads to the complete opposite of what we want: not being able to enjoy it.

From what you’ve described he doesn’t seem like the most empathic and sensitive partner when it comes to sex (so glad he’s your ex now). Normally, if you truly love someone, you would want them to get off too so that’s the first red flag for me! So sorry you’ve been treated like this, hun. Next I’ve been wondering, could it be that he just wasn’t that great in bed? Did you two communicate, talk about what you’re into and what he’s into? Because not everyone is into the same things and the same 0815 foreplay. It also sounds like you enjoy giving more than receiving, so maybe it could’ve worked for you if he would’ve let you take the lead more often? (Assuming that he didn’t, but I could also be wrong!)

Making a women reach the finish line usually takes time, sometimes even a lot of it. Rushing it or making you feel like you have to get off quickly, or even getting frustrated when it doesn’t work right away could just make things worse! You’ll only get more tense and the next time you‘ll end up in bed with him, you‘ll also end up overthinking way more than before. Don’t stress yourself out and don’t waste your time on a partner that stresses you out! Some men don’t know that there are also women who can’t come just from penetration alone. They need a little more than just the same in-and-out movement for two minutes straight to reach their peak lol. If you’re up for it, try to use a vibrator, let him use a vibrator on you, show him how you want to be touched or -and that’s perfectly fine to do and can be very for for him as well- just start playing with yourself during sex to get an orgasm. Needing a little help doesn’t mean he sucks in bed or that there’s something wrong with either of you!!

Sex also becomes way better through practice. Nobody is born an expert at it and it can be so much fun to learn more about yourself, your partner, what you’re into and what feels good, especially if you have someone who is willing to learn and discover these things with you together.

You see, the possibilities are endless and there are a million reasons and totally normal explanations as to why you couldn’t enjoy it as much as you were hoping you would, which means there is definitely nothing wrong with you! I think you just have to listen to what your body is telling you. Not being able to have an orgasm means there’s something not going the way you want it to. His pace is too fast, too slow, too rough, you’re not in right mindset/not in the mood, you’ve been overthinking too much, he doesn’t treat you the way you want, there’s no connection between you both, and, and, and…

Please don’t ever be ashamed of yourself for something like this. Your feelings are valid and you’re perfectly normal and healthy. Try to take it easy, relax, try to figure out what you need to feel good and learn to communicate these things with your partner. I hope this helps a little 🩵

#𝒯𝒶𝓁𝓀𝒾𝓃𝑔 𝓉𝑜 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓂𝑜𝑜𝓃 ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

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ectonurites · 3 years

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for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon):

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him,

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious):

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing):

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it.

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit)

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon):

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious):

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing):

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t)

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

#onwater #jason todd #cassandra cain #sam writes

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malakhai-ozera · 4 years

Text

Old Text II Khai & Landon

Discord thread featuring: Khai & @davieslandon

Mentions: @romanbeckett. @ella-isms. @theharrykingston @aaronhart93

Where: Khai at his house and Landon at his.

When: Before Khai, Roman, and Jaycee’s break up.

Description: Landon and Khai discuss their make out session and talk about their feelings.

Trigger Warnings: abuse, car accident, murder, molestation

Landon

Hey this is awkward but basically i just wanted to say that I hope I didn't ruin anything

Malakhai

Don’t worry, you didn’t.

Landon

Ok good So you’ll go to Ro’s opening night right?

Malakhai

Of course You’ll be there right?

Landon

I’m glad Yeah I was planning on going

Malakhai

Good

Landon

Just wanted to check everyone was ok with that

Malakhai

Why wouldn’t we be?

Landon

Wasn’t sure After everything

Malakhai

Landon, of course we want you there

Landon

Thanks For being understanding

Malakhai

Always I hope we can still be friends

Landon

Of course we can I’m just sorry it had to happen like this

Malakhai

I’m not I regret hurting Roman. But I don’t regret what happened

Landon

You don’t?

Malakhai

Not at all

Landon

I thought you only did it to get to him

Malakhai

No, I wouldn’t do that to you I mean, sure the whole Aaron situation has me all messed up and confused. But, I like you.

Landon

I’m not sure what happened with Aaron but yeah I can confirm he’s not your biggest fan hah Didn’t think you’d do that to me but I was hearing so many things

Malakhai

Nothing happened. I guess I just got a little jealous I’m sorry, Landon.

Landon

I think we all got jealous at some point, it’s perfectly understandable Don’t be, I knew what I was doing and did it anyways

Malakhai

Can I ask why?

Landon

I like you...you’re good looking and you made me feel something I hadn’t felt in a really long time

Malakhai

I like you too. I’ve wanted to kiss you ever since that first day we met Can we maybe see each other before the opening?

Landon

Really? Yeah, I think that’s a good idea

Malakhai

Oh yeah, very much! Good, I do too.

Landon

You can come over if you want? I font think we should be seen together for now It will give the wrong impression

Malakhai

I’d like that, and I agree. But to be honest. I’m not sure I could keep my hands off you.

Landon

Tell me about it, I’m not sure I know how to do that But it’s a bad idea

Malakhai

Yeah it is But that doesn’t make me not want you

Landon

Roman would kill us. And he would be right.

Malakhai

Would he? You don’t belong to him anymore I’m not sure I do either

Landon

No but I got so pissed when Aaron did what he did with him because he’s my ex so he should be off limits to my friends So I can’t imagine if I did the same with his boyfriend Wait What??

Malakhai

I understand I just think, I need more. Or maybe less Idk

Landon

That’s not confusing at all

Malakhai

Haha right

Landon

If it counts for anything, Ro really does love you He’s told me many times

Malakhai

Yeah, I love him too Maybe that’s just not enough

Landon

What more could there be?

Malakhai

Commitment, Satisfaction, Fulfillment. I just want him to be happy and I feel like I’m holding him back

Landon

And you’re not getting that?

Malakhai

I am, I think maybe he isn’t

Landon

I don’t know...i think he’s happy and I think he’ll be less happy without you around

Malakhai

The thing is Landon I’m actually a pretty strong believer in monogamy Open relationships never work

Landon

I’m actually surprised I don’t disagree, but I’m confused as to how you ended up in an open relationship Don’t think I could ever do that

Malakhai

Love lol

It makes you do crAzy things I just wanted to be with him Any way I could

Landon

I get that I get that a lot actually But it’s never really the answer is it?

Malakhai

No, I guess it isn’t

Landon

I’m sorry, I think I managed to do the opposite of what I was aiming for

Malakhai

You didn’t do this babe I guess I’m just not that good at staying a little detached as I thought I was

Landon

Thanks but I don’t think we’d be here right now if I did what every ex should do and stayed away from him I guess not

Malakhai

Maybe not But it is what it is I get why you couldn’t stay away

Landon

We’re not the first people who couldn’t And we probably won’t be the last

Malakhai

Anyway... I just want to be the one someone wants for once If you know what I mean?

Landon

Yeah, I do The feeling like you’re the only one that matters

Malakhai

Yeah I’ve never had that

Landon

I thought I did once But I fucked it up so

Malakhai

How did you fuck it up?

Landon

I actually did it twice. First time I broke up with someone who really cared for me to be with someone I thought loved me more. The second time was after something happened to me...let’s just say they wanted to work on our relationship but I took the easy way out

Malakhai

I’m sorry What happened to you? You don’t have to tell me. But of course I’m curious

Landon

Oh, it’s fine I don’t mind talking about it I was driving and a van ran a red light and crashed into me. Was in the hospital for quite a while and when I woke up...I didn’t really remember everything.

Malakhai

Oh wow That’s... I couldn’t even imagine I’m glad you’re okay now

Landon

It wasn’t a nice time but it’s better now Slowly getting over it

Malakhai

Yeah, it’s not easy I know. I’m slowly getting over my ex as well.

Landon

Yeah? What happened? If you don’t mind talking about it

Malakhai

It was just a whole lot of crazy. I met her while dancing at the strip club. She was a pretty frequent client. Needless to say, we hooked up but kept our relationship open. She basically wanted me to herself while she did as she pleased. I thought maybe if I proposed she’d want me the way I wanted her. But I was wrong. She was already engaged to someone else behind my back. It kinda really fucked me up to be honest

Landon

Oh shit I can’t even imagine what that must have felt like I’m so sorry

Malakhai

It hurt, a lot. But I’m trying. I just figure, maybe I’m not worth that kinda love. Ya know? Even my dad told me so when I was younger. I just didn’t listen. So here I am again. Similar situation.

Landon

I think it’s more that we accept the love we think we deserve When in reality you’re worth so much more than that And your dad didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about

Malakhai

You’re probably right

Landon

Don’t mention it I just wish it was easier for you

Malakhai

Me too I’m just learning to accept it tho

Landon

I think maybe it’s all about making decisions And actually sticking to them

Malakhai

I wish it were that easy

Landon

Haha, I know right? I wish everything could be simple and straightforward

Malakhai

You and me both

But to be fair... I decided a long time ago I was gonna kill my step dad. But if I stuck to that, I’d be in prison right now lol

Landon

I’m glad you didn’t do that Not for him but you don’t deserve to go to jail

Malakhai

I feel like I was in jail my whole life It wouldn’t matter Especially after what he did to my sister and my mum. But that’s just... That’s my fault too

Landon

I’m so sorry you feel this way I don’t know what happened with your mum and sister But I’m sure you’re blaming yourself for more than you actually did

Malakhai

They died. Took their own lives. It was my fault Now my little half sister is going through the same shit and I just left her Just like I left my mum and sister Anyway.... it doesn’t matter I’m sorry You didn’t ask for this heaviness

Landon

It’s fine, we all need someone to vent to and I’m glad you feel you can trust me But it’s not your fault Whatever happened...it was their decision you couldn’t have done anything about it

Malakhai

I just feel like, maybe if I stayed it would have been different. Sure, I was getting beat and whatever and my mum didn’t believe me. But I could have been there for my sister.

Shit... look at me lol. I’m sorry I’m done.

Landon

You were being hurt and to top it off you weren’t supported, you did what you had to do to survive and no one can blame you for that No need to be sorry, it’s ok

Malakhai

I blame me. But, thank you for hearing me out. Really! We can talk about something else now

Landon

You’re welcome, I’m just a text away whenever you need me

Malakhai

I appreciate that I promise I don’t usually break down like this tho. I shouldn’t have

Landon

There’s nothing wrong with it Do you have any idea how many time I do that? Usually I’m drunk though which makes it even worse No filter whatsoever

Malakhai

Well, you are always welcome to hit me with no filter anytime Drunk or not

Landon

Haha you definitely don’t want to see that It’s a mess

Malakhai

It’s okay if you’re a mess. We can be a mess together. Besides, you’re a pretty good kisser when you’re drunk

Landon

That we can definitely be. So are you But I can’t kiss you through the phone if I’m texting you drunk

Malakhai

Haha no I guess not But I could always come over

Landon

Hmm you’re right you can do that

Malakhai

Then I could just hold you until the world stops spinning

Landon

And once it stops spinning?

Malakhai

I’ll kiss you again and we’ll melt into oblivion

Landon

That sounds good

Malakhai

It sounds good to me too.

Landon

I might just end up getting drunk on purpose if you keep talking like that

Malakhai

You don’t need to get drunk to convince me to cone over and make that happen

Landon

When I’m drunk I don’t feel as guilty though

Malakhai

Okay

Landon

Shit sorry I’m sorry Don’t feel bad please

Malakhai

It’s okay lol You’re just being honest

Landon

And an asshole I just don’t know what to do

Malakhai

You’re not an asshole I’m the asshole.

I’m the one with your ex.

Maybe I need to change that

Landon

We didn’t even know each other when you got together I’m the one who should really know his place.

And no. You’re not making decisions like that right now

Malakhai

Okay

Landon

Take some time to think about it You might think differently in the heat of the moment

#text.#chats:landon #chats:discord #;;old text messages between khai and landon #//this is long and contains lots of feels #//posting so people can know what went down between them #ft.roman #ft.ella #ft.harry #ft.aaron

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foxesrefuge · 7 years

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your were tagged ;D What do you think of Riko as a character inside the books? (no HCs) / Any fave HCs you want to share? / Any pairings/ships you like with him? / fic recs? / art recs? / Kevin&Riko - do they have/had feelings for each other? / Thoughts on his finale scene? / Did you read Nora's extra content? // tag other bloggers you think have something interesting to say about him! (maybe someone we don't know yet??) #Thoughts on Riko Moriyama

HOO boi XD here comes the trainwreck.First of..all thank you @c-valentino for tagging me and…. making me uh ..work and think on my own (sobs) haha *nervous laughter (noreally tho, thank you, целую!!)I probably won’tcome up with super new or hyper interesting stuff and… actually, Icould just link CVal’s whole post here……………………but okay here wego, then!!Ugh, I guess I have to out myself now real quickbefore we dive in: I was always kinda very interested in the ‘BadGuys’. No matter what, I’d try to find out more about them, try tofigure out how their twisted brains work and why their Morales werealways a bit questionable, which doesn’t necessarily mean I’m okaywith whatever they’re doing or understand and support their actions(hell fucking nooo).I’m just finding it super interesting tothink and sometimes even talk about.

Now, since that’s settled:I think Riko is justas interesting as our MC’s, if not one of the most interestingcharacters, and maybe also one of the most tragic ones (imo). I don’treally think you get this impression after reading the series for thefirst time, though. He seems super flat and not interesting enough inthe books. I wouldn’t have given him a second thought if I didn’t getthe chance to read the extra content.

Which leads me now to my actually toughts on Riko, based onextra Content and HC’s:The way Riko sees the world isobviously reeeally different from how our MC’s view the world,which is quite,.. understandable, regarding where he comes from, howhe was raised and trained and what he went through (bc hooo boi,that’s not a life I wanna live). This guy knows he’s the son ofExy, obviously The Number One and the actual King of the court. Thereshould be no way anyone could have the power or strength to outpacehim (oh and Riko is going to make sure of that). He is a Moriyama andthinks of his players as his property, he basically gets what hewants and who he wants. Sounds like a pleasant life, right? But Idon’t think he had one. He is living with this pressure form“above’, knowing that he always ‘has to be’ The Best of them all. Hehas to deliver otherwise he would be no use and therefore not worthkeeping in the nest, on the court and alive. I always picturedhim feeling the pressure and weirdly enough people tend to forgetthat Riko is not a robot… because being pressured like that,knowing you have to be THE BEST all the time, no matter what .. thatreally really really fucks with you and your brain. He isprobably under constant stress, giving more than just his best ,whichhe also expects from his players. There is no space for compassion,no place for weakness, nor failure. His live is Exy and there isnothing else than Exy keeping him alive. It’s his past, hispresent and his future for the rest of his life. His mentalbreakdowns always turn into violent outbursts because that boy can’treally cope with the mess in his head (probably not even aware ofthat) He never learned how to control his anger or himself. Why wouldhe? He is King, a Moriyama, he is the one controlling. So yeah, youbasically don’t want to be near him when he’s having his moments. Hisruthlessness makes him go overboard at times. A lot of times.He’salso never at fault. No matter what he does because.. what the hell??Such a concept doesn’t even exist. So how in the world is Rikoa tragic character, when we just settled that he’s nothing but anabsolute ruthless monster with no restrains???!!

Lemme explain ok. Riko was born into this world of Exy, Thesecond son, not the first(!!), growing up and having those insaneexpectations to life up to – he would be a worthless piecenothing, not needed on the court. He had Kevin, the brother who wasalways by his side, on and off court; his number 2, his property,*his*. Riko doesn’t know how to treat people right though,doesn’t know the concept of actual friendship, It’s always just Exyand Exy and Exy, there is no time for friendship. I also believethat he deep down feared for his life, he just wasn’t aware of thatbecause his brain was too occupied with getting better.One of myHC’s is that: he was super restless the whole damn time, not able tocalm down, constantly under pressure.He basically barely slept.How is there time for sleep, when you can use that precious time ondrills?It wrecks him. The nest destroyed a perfectly fineboy, gave him the chance to basically develop this crazy god complexand also turning him into this Exy monster. And most of the time hewasn’t even aware of his problems because there is just no time andspace for that shit.

Now what happens if one suddenly takes away his Exy? Welp,there’d be nothing left of this fucked up guy. He is a mess, abroken soul, not good enough to be alive.He has nothing, not evenhimself because he was sold to the court and owned by the court.There are many many many demons living in his ribcage, twistinghis brain in the worst ways. I’m not even sure if he’d be able tolive a normal human life outside the nest, without being able to feelanything besides the need to do better and better and better. It madehim mad to the point of no return … so yeah uh .. don’t you thinkthat’s kinda tragic??

Fave HC’s: Mhh, I uh … you know what?

basicallyeverything CVal came up with and mentioned in her post

…..…..(did u think I was joking, Val?)

Riko with freckles, I dig that!!

Riko playing an instrument.. preferably the piano (ok listen, just the picture of Riko, in a black suit … sitting in front of a piano…no?just me?ok)

Riko being an amazing swimmer

Also some Au’s

Riko and Ichirou → actually interacting with each other (Onii-san,y'all I’m chokiNG ( maybe some kind of Uchiha-Verse or something like that, why not? I dig it))

Fox!Riko ( @bvccvrdi thank you for this and @shihoran for destroying me and my emotions daily w this)

Pairings/Ships and Feelings:

Riko/Kevin clearly. There is no doubt.

Especially after reading the extra content and old drafts.Thesetwo were boyfriends. Their relationship was hella unhealthy and probsreally violent but … they just can’t live without each other(I mean can u imagine how obsessed Riko had been with Kev?? He wasHIS, okay? His and ooonly his.He didn’t even touch Kevin’s side of the room after all this time,can u imagine??). They were rivals for sure .. but .. they were alsoabsolutely obsessed w each other.I currently ship them likenothing else. Too invested. Even though I’m more than just conflictedabout this but I just cannot help it.

Thoughts on his final scene:….I have to admit thatI’m super unhappy with how the AFTG series ended. I’m glad to have ahappy end, couldn’t be more great full but everything feels so rushedand off. And I think it’s all due to Riko’s super quick death.Everything happened way too fast, I actually hate that he died, orspecifically how fast and easy that happened. It just didn’t fit atall, in my opinion.

Art Recs:

Give @shihoran a follow and you’ll be well supplied!!

And here are some other amazing pieces:

I ♔

II ♕

III ♖

IV ♗

V ♘

VI ♙

VII ♚

VIII ♛

IX ♜

X ♝

XI ♞

Fic Recs:

I haven’t really read that many, mainly because I know there aren’t that many. But here are a few I really liked

♥ what if i did MadHatterNO7

♠ Meant to be mine shihoran

♣ bvccardi’s Fox!Riko

I also know @c-valentino is working on something reeeeally really nice, y’all. So You better stay tuned, pumped and hyped!!! because I suRE AF AM!!!!

Everyone I’d love to hear from was already tagged, I believe. But whatevs, I’m going to mention y’all again. Feel free to ignore tho:

@shihoran @viviena @still-waiting-for-godot @bvccvrdi @ziegenkind @mochis-mullet

#thoughts on riko moriyama #I got tagged

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argaliaofficial · 6 years

Text

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked.

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs.

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends.

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids.

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew.

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever”

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!”

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me.

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened.

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal.

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that.

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic.

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky.

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

#av talks #text #THIS IS HEAVY #rape mention #abuse mention

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