I saw a funny film Noir parody with Ilkka Villi and i used one moment as a reference from there xD

Saving Grace: Simon vs The Homo Sapiens Agenda

I just finished Becky Albertalli’s Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda, the inspiration for the film Love, Simon. I have thoughts.

Here there be spoilers!

For a long time, I passed on reading this one because I was a late bloomer to coming out. I just didn’t think a teenager’s coming out story was one that would speak to me.

Simon Spier, I owe you an apology. You absolutely have something to teach all of us.

Simon vs. The Homo Sapiens Agenda features the story of Simon Spier: a closeted high school junior who has found himself in an anonymous pen pal correspondence with another closeted queer boy at his school. In the safety of mutual anonymity, Simon and the boy he only knows as “Blue” are able to share their innermost thoughts and feelings and allow themselves true vulnerability: the mortifying ordeal of being seen, indeed. Until the day Simon’s privacy is violated by a fellow classmate who blackmails Simon, threatening to out him to the whole school (as well as compromise Blue’s secret) unless Simon agrees to effectively wingman this kid with Abby, another girl at their school and one of Simon’s friends. Needless to say, it doesn’t work. And when the blackmailer feels thwarted, he makes good on his threat: he publishes an internet post that announces Simon’s sexuality to the school. This decision puts Simon in an untenable position: he must either lie and force himself back into the closet, or he must come out despite not yet feeling ready.

Make no mistake: forced outing is an act of violence.

I actually felt an echo of my own coming out reading this. I had been struggling with when and how to come out for months. Eventually, one of my family members decided she was tired of waiting for me and put me on the spot, basically asking me outright. And, like Simon, I determined that I wasn’t going back in the closet. If I was going to be outed, I was going to lean into it. But Simon’s pain when he calls out his blackmailer, saying that when coming out “I’m supposed to decide when and where and who knows and how I want to say it...you took that from me.” 

Yeah, that hit me where I live.

I was furious for him and with him. And as if that wasn’t enough? Simon’s friends disappointed me too. His friend Leah wallows in the fact that Simon did not trust her with this secret sooner. His friend Abby, the girl the blackmailer was attempting to get close to, is angry that she was used as a pawn in a set-up game even though she is fully aware of the blackmail situation. This has drawn a lot of ire from audiences: all of Simon’s friends see the fallout after he comes out--including active bullying--and they still feel wronged by him. They try to couch it in appropriate language, to admit that Simon had it worse and that his sexuality and privacy have nothing to do with them, but they still are angry and hurt.

The worst part? They may not be totally wrong.

Leah isn’t really angry about the lack of confidence. Leah is upset because she feels like she has been systematically blocked out of the friend group (not without reason, she was at times deliberately left out of adventures by the rest of the group). And Simon’s confidence in Abby convinced Leah she was being replaced. Abby felt manipulated, and if the stakes were different? If Simon was being blackmailed with some other secret? The impulse would probably be different, would be to say that there were better ways to handle this blackmailing than to leave Abby in the dark and exposed to an arranged pursuit by a boy that she did not want.

The best part? Simon knows this. Simon recognizes this. Simon shows us that everyone in this situation is hurting. And Simon has the unbelievable grace to tacitly acknowledge that we all do and say things we are not proud of, even to the people we love. 

We all let each other down in a thousand little ways over the course of a shared life. If we actually kept score of all the wrongs we did to others, and they to us, it would be a miserable existence. The worst kind of world I can think of is one where we get exactly what we deserve.

 Simon’s wisdom is to live his life  guided by what “Blue” said: “People are like houses with vast rooms and tiny windows” that prevent our being able to fully see inside each other’s hearts. That inability to fully understand one another’s struggles creates this  “ocean between people...the whole point of everything is to find a shore worth swimming to.”

Simon agrees. Simon sees the humanity in himself and in his friends: all the complicated ways lives interweave and people help and hurt one another, even when they don’t mean to. And Simon forgives. 

That kind of compassion--the real Homo Sapiens Agenda--isn’t a weakness. When we extend that grace toward others, we can find it for ourselves too. We can release the expectation that we need to be perfect all the time. We can instead just strive to do our best and to do better every time.

Some wounds never fully heal. Being outed, especially by or to people you love, never really leaves you. But love and pain are the ocean between people. All we can do is look out for the shores worth swimming to.

GF & MvsM - Wanna Talk About Dinos?

This crossover was inevitable. It just works too well. Maybe one day i’ll write a fic about how the folks at Gravity Falls handled the robot-apocalypse. Probably shrugged it off. “Eh. We’ve had worse.” Haha! What if Stan and Ford, cuz they were out sailing, had no clue what happened and when they came back they were like, “Wait, what?”

For now, please enjoy this fic of Aaron making a new friend...

(credit goes to @stephreynaart for her OC Jacob) ~~~~~~~~~~ “Hi, would you like to talk to me about dinosaurs?”

Aaron asked this question more times than he could keep track of, but that wasn’t going to stop him from asking it. It started as a dare from his big sister two years ago, but now it’s a fun hobby. When fifth grade isn’t overwhelming him, scaring him with mountains of homework and horror stories about how hard middle school is going to be, and when he’s run out of YouTube videos to catch up on, he is on the hunt for fellow giant-lizard-lovers like a hungry Ceratosaurus.

“No, okay bye.” But it did get a little tiring to always cross out names and phone-numbers on the phone book with red ink. Hey, a dinosaur of a way to find phone-numbers was appropriate. He read the next number, dialed it, and after a ring or two he asked, “How would you like to talk with me about dinosaurs? No, okay thank you.”

Aaron crossed out another name and sighed, taking a break since he reached the end of a line of numbers. Maybe he should just be grateful for Abbey and accept that no one else wants to talk about the Jurassic Period. Or the Cretaceous Period. Or the Triassic Period. But then a big, old, gray-tinted ad distracted him. He grinned, thinking it would at least be fun to give them a call, and he dialed the number.

Private home phone-numbers were fun, but businesses were also fun! Poor, bored workers would gladly talk to him rather than crabby Karens, and they got paid for it! So Aaron smiled as the phone rang, and he grinned when someone picked up.

“Thanks for calling the Mystery Shack, you’re talking to Mr. Mystery himself! How may I befuddle or bewilder you?”

“Hi! How would you like to talk with me about dinosaurs?”

“Oh, dude! I’d love to, but I’m scheduled for a tour of the Oddity Museum in three minutes.” The man said, and Aaron grinned continuously, because it sounded like Mr. Mystery really wanted to talk with him about dinosaurs. “But hey! Can you hold on for one minute, I think I know a guy!”

“Yeah, sure mister!” And Aaron was greeted by the sound of a catchy jingle about buying t-shirts and mugs and snowglobes. He smiled and wiggled his feet along to the music as he looked outside at the beautiful late-fall afternoon, entertained while he waited.

~~~~~~~~~~

Soos was on the hunt. He planned out the house in his head. Abuelita was taking a nap upstairs, Melody was organizing the upcoming tour, and Stan took Jacob out for ice cream, so he might be…

The owner of the Shack grinned when he stopped at the doorway and saw the man he was looking for, sitting in Stan’s chair, reading a book.

“Uncle Ford!”

The old sailor smiled up at the young man. “Yes, wh-...”

“Do you think you could answer the phone for me? I have a tour and I think this customer’s request is right up your alley.”

“Uh… sure, but w-...”

“Thanks, you’re the best!” And Soos was gone before he could address Ford’s confusion.

Ford was a bit lost, having little to no business with business, but he had learned at this point to trust Soos, so he picked up the phone beside him and was immediately greeted with a sweet, “How would you like to talk with me about dinosaurs?”

Ford grinned and closed his book. “I would love to! All three periods are equally as fascinating to study, but the Triassic contains some of my favorite dinosaurs!”

A young voice gasped on the other line. “Mine, too! Everyone thinks the Jurassic period is so great, and it’s pretty cool, but the Triassic gave us Plateosaurus and the Brachiosaurus!”

“That’s very true! You know, it’s very interesting, maybe depictions don’t include feathers at all, which is a bit frustrating, but perhaps after the news has spread they will incorporate more feathers on merchandise and textbooks.”

“YES! That’s what I wanna do when I grow up, help draw better-accurate dinosaurs!”

~~~~~~~~~~

The phone rang on Sunday. The Shack was closed today, so Stan lazily answered it and was greeted with, “Wanna talk about dinosaurs?”

“Sixer, phone for you!”

Ford ran into the living room, elbowed his twin out of the chair, and took the phone. “Hello again, Aaron! Now, where were we? Right, so Australopithecus. … No, I don’t think… Oh! No, homo habilis was erect, Australopithecus was never fully erect.”

“Maybe he was nervous.” Stan groaned, getting to his feet.

Ford shot him a look as thankfully the young boy on the other end didn’t catch that and happily shared some more fun-facts about homo habilis.

~~~~~~~~~~

While most college students were excited for Spring Break so they could get drunk or lose their virginity, Katie was excited because her family had planned a special secret roadtrip. She was careful to keep up with her family and talk to her parents and brother frequently, but Aaron had a hobby he wasn’t talking about that his parents found out and were thrilled about. Aaron had made another friend.

Rick and Katie did some research and the tourist attraction sounded right up their alley! In the middle of the woods, tons of weird stuff, and a fun roadtrip filled with diners and attractions. They decided to surprise Aaron, and they made up a lie that they would spend Spring Break in California with Katie so she could show her family around San Francisco, when in actuality they would be traveling up the state to the Redwood Highway and see the oddity place, and maybe even allow Aaron to meet his new pen-pal. Or, um, phone-pal.

So after bombarding Katie with hugs the Mitchells threw her luggage into the car and drove off. Aaron turned to Katie and excitingly asked, “So where are we going first? Can we go fix the Golden Gate bridge by painting it gold?”

Katie laughed and ruffled his hair. “Maybe later, right now I wanna show you guys this fun store right outside of town. Here, check out the videos I made for my classes!” And she pulled out some airpods and gave one to Aaron.

“Cool!”

Rick and Linda smirked at each other as they drove north. By the time they reached a little diner in Redding, CA, it was very clear to Aaron that they weren’t in San Francisco anymore. “Come on, just tell me where we’re going!” The boy begged as he fed Monchi a fry.

“The best kind of prizes are the surprises.” Linda quoted.

“Eric, Deborahbot5000, where are we going?”

“Sorry, Aaron, we cannot give that information.” Eric said, he and the other robot sitting politely in their seats, happy to be a part of the social interaction.

“Yes, Mother will bury us if we disobey.” Deborahbot said matter-of-factly.

“What?! No I won’t, sweeties.”

“Won’t you ground us?”

The family laughed and Aaron let the topic go; if he was honest, he loved a good surprise. The big family stopped in a motel just at the California-Oregon border, and the next morning after muffins and coffee and orange juice they were on the road again, passing dozens of trees that made Rick feel at home. Katie happily recorded the trip, trusted to be the documenter for another fun roadtrip, with hopefully not as much mortal peril.

Aaron watched as they left the highway for a simple road, and they passed a big sign. The boy gasped and caught what was happening. “No WAY! Really?!”

“You know, I hear this Mystery Shack even has a Sasquatch.” Rick commented while Linda pulled out a pamphlet from the glove box.

“It says here it’s full of odd things you’ll never see anywhere else, even a dinosaur footprint…”

“Wasn’t there a rumor of there being a Bottomless Pit?” Katie asked, pointing her camera at Aaron to get his reaction.

“Thank you thank you THANK YOU!!!” Aaron cheered, hugging his Dad’s neck and kissing his Mom’s cheek.

“Hey, no worries, buddy.” Rick eased, fixing his shewed glasses. “We wanted to see this place, too!”

“Why don’t we eat a quick lunch and then we’ll take the backroad for the attraction? There’s a coupon in here for a diner made from a giant log!”

And so after being served by a pretty blonde teenager at Greasy’s, they drove through town to get to the backroad. Signs made them confident that they were going the correct way, as well as Eric and Deborahbot5000’s GPS. Then as they turned a corner, a big triangle-shaped building came into view. Aaron grinned at the giant sign with a missing letter. People were already leaving, arms full of souvenirs and one or two already wearing their new hats or t-shirts. Once Rick parked in the Free Parking Lot, Aaron spilled out of the car and ran for the shack, but he stopped.

Katie caught up to him and patted his back. “You cool, man?”

Aaron shrugged, holding his hands in front of him and his shoulders up to hide his face a bit. “I-I dunno… What if… What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Hey, I get it.” Katie admitted. “When I first met my friends I was really nervous. I had talked to them online for weeks and I was worried it wasn’t gonna be what it was all cracked up to be, but it was. Your system worked! You found another dino-lover! You earned this moment. Just take in a deep breath and be yourself, cuz you’re a pretty cool dude.”

Aaron smiled up at his big sister. “Thanks.”

Trusting Eric and Deborahbot5000 to watch Monchi and make sure he used the bathroom, the Mitchells went inside the shack. On the porch there was an ice cooler, a sign reading schedule times for tours of the Oddity Museum, a Help Wanted sign, and two rocking chairs with a game of checkers between them.

Inside the store a few customers filled up the gift shop, alongside t-shirts, snowglobes, a vending machine, a door beside ti that read Employees Only, a bookshelf full of comic on one side and old newspapers claiming alien sightings on the other, a fish tank holding a monkey-mermaid, and barrels full of spaceship keychains and dino claws. A new section called Camping Stuff caught Rick’s eye, selling backpacks, lanterns, flashlights, batteries, canteens, and compasses. Katie opened a comic called Lil’Stanley and laughed at the swears, taking a pic and sending it to her friends’ group chat. Linda looked into the barrel full of patches and grinned at all the fun designs, while Aaron stared happily at the mer-monkey.

The Employees Only door opened and closed and Rick watched as a man in a suit, fez, and eyepatch walked up to the lady at the register and kissed her cheek. The woman smiled lovingly and left while the guy who resembled a gopher checked a customer out. Rick waited until the buyer left to approach the register, leaning an arm on the counter.

“Welcome to the Mystery Shack, dude!”

“Thanks! So, this is gonna sound weird, but my son Aaron talks to a guy here about dinosaurs…”

“No way!” The owner interrupted excitedly. “Good to see you, dudes! I’m Mr. Mystery! Wow, you guys came a long way, huh?”

“Nah, only from California. My daughter is attending art school there.”

While the men chit-chatted and Linda joined them, Katie noticed a guy walking up to Aaron and looking at the mer-monkey. She smiled and tried to read the comic without being too nosy, but she kept her senses on her brother.

“Hm, quite fascinating, isn’t it?” The man in the blue hoodie said. “But I think my favorite is the fossilized footprint. Could be Nanuqsaurus hoglundi.”

“The Polar Bear Lizard?” Aaron clarified, touching his chin as he looked at the dino-print, his back to the man he was talking to. “Maybe, but they’re from Alaska. It’s possible plate tectonics did cause some fossils to be relocated here, but it could also be a Nanotyrannosaurus lancensis footprint.”

“The Dwarf Tyrant? Could very well be. Would you like to talk about dinosaurs after your tour?”

Aaron’s eyes widened as the voice was finally familiar to him. He turned and looked up to find an old man smiling up at him. He had fluffy gray hair with a white stripe running around his scalp, wrinkles by his eyes due to smiling, a cleft chin, glasses, and wore a blue hoodie with a maroon sweater underneath. His hands were behind his back and he smiled down at Aaron warmly, while the boy was jittery and overly-excited. He took in a sharp breath and had to fight every muscle to keep from leaping through the screen door. 

“H-H-Hi…” He peeped. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Y-Yeah, sure! I’d love to! I’m Aaron! Er, wait, you already knew that.” And he held out a hand to shake.

His phone-pal, Ford, chuckled and got on one knee to be eye-level. “Greeting, Aaron! It’s nice to formally meet you.”

Aaron shook his hand and noticed something. He had six fingers on his right hand. A quick glance told Aaron he also had six fingers on his left hand. Aaron grinned with sparkling eyes at his new friend, while the old sailor smiled warmly at the boy that reminds him of his niece and nephew when they were young.

not villain isalores related but: the denial of feelings tag on ao3 is just *chefs kiss* i love the angst. bc isabela, perfect isabela, would absolutely be in denial about the fact that she has feelings for dolores. she’s like, going crazy trying to act like it’s no homo. what do you mean it’s gay to want to be around dolores all the time haha they are just buddies you wouldn’t understand haha gal pals. whole time dolores has zero clue it’s supposed to be a secret and thinks it plainly obvious isabela likes her. rip isa when dolores just completely goes for it and kisses her

and yes dolores WOULD kiss isabela first, or if not she would say something like “you can kiss me” when she catches isa looking at her lips. she IS killing isabela in their first few months of their relationship.

Anon you're SO RIGHT. Ay my idea is that Isabela is a nervous awkward wreck when it comes to girls. Flirting with guys was easy because there was no feeling to it. It was a performance. She could be confident with them. But girls are the end of her. She can't think. She blushes and stammers and dies of embarrassment. Dolores finds it infinitely amusing and infinitely obvious, oh my god how can no one else tell, with the way Isabela's heart races? No no Dolores is the top smooth one in the relationship. Isabela will practice some pickup line for hours and feel so proud when she says it without stuttering, and Dolores just smirks and completely effortlessly says something that has poor Isabela on her knees.

So yes she sees straight through her and kisses her first. This does lean a little bit on my stalker!Dolores AU but... I like to think she doesn't have a very strong grip on other people's boundaries, when she physically can't help but violate them. The obvious example would be listening to people's intimate moments, which is a horrible thing to do without their consent, but it's not like she can turn off her powers, so I'm sure she just tells herself it's okay, as long as no one brings it up, mentions it, or makes it obvious. In time, she may come to believe there's nothing morally questionable in listening in to people when they don't want to be heard - and I mean in general, not just in intimate situations. She trusts herself not to do anything bad with the information she learns - in fact, they are lucky she is the one hearing them, because she's not sure she'd trust anyone else to be as responsible with her power as she is. What I mean is: she knows Isabela likes her, can see she wants to kiss her but doesn't dare to, so what's the problem with making a move herself? It's not like Isabela will dislike it, and if she does it without asking first - well, she does a lot of things without asking first. She's lucky Isabela likes her like that.

So she kisses her one day, no warning, and poor Isabela is a flustered mess about to melt into the earth and Dolores is just like "😏 is something wrong?" And Isabela just makes a baby dinosaur noise and says "ño 😭" you know like a bottom.

Blind Date

Requested by @swampythesweetsketch ! Thank you for your suggestion and I hope you like it!

~

“I’m so nervous,” Murray admitted, sitting in front of the mirror and staring at himself. “What if he doesn’t like me?”

“Dude, c’mon!” Sly retorted, barely looking up from where he was putting a top coat over Murray’s nail polish. “If he doesn’t like you, then I’m Santa Claus!”

“That can be arranged,” Bentley teased. “Seriously, though, Murray. Just be yourself. That’s how to be the most attractive.”

“Yeah,” Murray looked away. “I guess. But…”

“Hey,” Sly slid onto the vanity, gently pushing aside a makeup palette with his tail as he sat directly in front of his friend. “Stop worrying, okay?” He grinned. “You know this guy is into you. You’ve been talking for ages. It’s worth a shot at least, right?”

“Right!” Murray squared his shoulders like he was going into battle, and wasn’t wearing holographic nails and a smokey eye. “Thanks for doin my topcoat for me, Sly. And thanks for helping me with my suit, Bentley.”

“No problem,” his brothers said simultaneously.

Sly patted Murray’s shoulder. “Go get ‘im, pal.”

“We’ll be waiting,” Bentley promised.

Murray smiled, and headed out the door.

“All right, Sly,” Bentley said, “you know what to do.”

Sly grabbed his binocucom and cane. “On it!”

~

Murray was already nervous enough being in a sizable crowd with bounty on his head, but, just as Sly had assured him, Murray was the best at disguises out of all of them, and nobody would recognize “The Murray” with makeup on.

He liked his makeup look; just a foundation to match his skin tone, a little contour, blush, and a smokey eye. Sly had helped with his nails, and they looked good. It wasn’t like Murray couldn’t have done it on his own, but Sly wanted to help, and he was better at nails than at eyeliner. Murray chuckled to himself, thinking of the last time Sly tried to do a winged liner. He’d looked even more like a raccoon than usual!

He was sitting alone at the table, waiting for his date, like he had been for the better part of an hour. Every time the door opened, he would look up, expecting to see a handsome man looking for his table. But, it was just couples or families. He sighed. He was sure a blind date would’ve been better, seeing as nobody could turn him down just because of his weight, but maybe the guy had guessed, judging by how much Murray talked about recipes. Or maybe he thought Murray was a sissy, or…

The door opened again, to someone by themselves. Except Murray could recognize that tail in his sleep. Sly had a satin jacket over a button-down shirt, hair slicked back. He was wearing the dance shoes they’d stolen from India, and was looking a little lost. Murray was a bit worried for two reasons. The first was that Sly was here at all; had something happened? The second was that Sly could only handle big crowds if he was at a social event. Parties, he liked. There were excuses to mingle in small groups. He had never liked large throngs of people. If Sly has a panic attack…

But instead, Sly found him (after pretending to have been looking for him) and waved. Murray waved back, confused, as Sly strode forward confidently through the crowd.

“Hey, sorry I’m late,” Sly said, brushing dust off his lapels. “Didn’t mean to keep you waiting.”

“You didn’t,” Murray said, a bit confused. “I wasn’t expecting you.”

Sly demurred, giggling shyly. “Oh, don’t be silly! How could I ever turn down a hunk like you?”

Murray wanted to laugh. Sly liked playing the effeminate gay. The question was, why was he doing that in the first place? At that moment, the door to the restaurant opened again, and Bentley rolled his wheelchair inside. People who were waiting for a table stepped aside to give him room. He was disguised as well, a cloth hat matching the more casual dark wash denim jacket he was wearing over a black necktie. Murray could appreciate the aesthetic...but he was still confused.

Bentley made his way towards the table. “Sorry I’m late,” he said, pitching his voice deeper in contrast to the way Sly’s had been more high-pitched. “Hey! What’re you doing here?” He glared at Sly.

“I should be asking you the same thing,” Sly pointed an accusing finger at Bentley. “I’m here for my date!”

“So am I,” Bentley said, and Murray smiled, starting to catch on. “One of us has the wrong table and you, buddy,” the turtle wheeled into Sly’s space, making the raccoon step back, hand splayed on his heart in dramatic offense, “are definitely at the wrong table. This gentleman is far too handsome for you!”

“I think he’s just the right amount of handsome,” Sly argues. “Just look at those bulging muscles,” he gestured, and Murray flexed, having a bit of fun now that he was in on the joke. “A man like that deserves the world!”

“Guys, you’re gonna make me blush,” Murray grumbled under his breath. Sly winked before sliding back into character as Bentley charged further.

“And? You still kept this gorgeous man waiting! Look at the poor guy’s makeup! All smudged because you were off…” Bentley waved his hand as he searched for an insult, “vaping!”

Sly gasped. “Do you think I would smoke around such a deceptively delicate flower?! The nerve!”

Murray looked over again as the restaurant doors opened. It was his real date, a buck with gold chains draped artfully around his antlers, dressed to the nines in a slimming suit to complement his slender body. Murray recognized the designer logo on his tie, and felt shame creep up his throat as he thought of his thrifted jacket and pilfered shirt. Even the silk skirt he was so proud of made him feel like a freak next to this guy.

“What’s going on here?” The buck spoke, his voice like molten chocolate, as he approached the table. “Which of you is Murray?” His eyes slid approvingly over Sly, and Murray hid his face. “I hope it’s you, handsome.”

“Sorry,” Sly slid in beside Murray, hooking his arm through the hippo’s. “I’m taken. Happily.”

“Me too.” Bentley took Murray’s hand, glaring at the buck.

The deer narrowed his eyes, then laughed. “Oh, thank god,” he said, relieved. “I could never be seen with such a,” he waved his hand derisively, “hideous beast.”

“Hey,” Sly said, voice sharp despite the different pitch. Murray recognized it as the raccoon’s “don’t fuck with me” voice, a rarely seen anger flashing in his eyes. “Murray is amazing! He’s funny and kind and always knows what to say!”

“His strength and skill can’t be matched!” Bentley agreed.

“And tonight, he’s my date.” Sly declared. “So fuck off.”

“No, he’s my date,” Bentley argued. “You fuck off!”

As his two friends bickered, Murray watched the deer walk away. He felt a little bit upset at the rejection, but his friends were nearby, defending him on what was technically their night off. He felt warm inside even so. It was good to be with his brothers again.

Once the deer was out of sight, Sly deflated. “Ack, my throat,” he complained. “I don’t know how you do those high-pitches voices, Murray. I feel like I’ll be raspy by tomorrow!”

Murray chuckled. “It takes practice.”

“Let’s get out of here,” Bentley suggested. “I think we’ve caused enough of a scene.” He glanced at the table. “Nothing needs to be paid for, right?”

“Nope. I didn’t order yet.” Murray replied.

“Let’s get Chinese,” Sly said, stretching as Murray got to his feet. “I saw a great place on the way over.” He locked his arm through Murray’s, hiding a yawn in the hippo’s bicep.

“Do you mean you saw it or smelled it?” Bentley asked, guiding Murray to the handles of his chair. That was about equivalent to hand-holding, Murray knew.

Sly laughed. “Both!”

“Chinese sounds fantastic,” Murray said, sighing in the fresh air. He was still upset about being stood up. He was glad for his friends, but…

“That guy was a complete jerk,” Bentley grumbled, going back to controlling his own chair as Sly let go of Murray. It wasn’t a sudden “no homo” sort of thing, though. It was more of a natural progression as they walked together on the sidewalk, with Bentley’s chair a half-step ahead. “What didjya day his name was?”

“Pierce Monogram,” Murray said. “Trust fund baby, I think. Works in the family business selling shoes.”

“That’s ironic,” Sly mused, swinging his arms up to rest behind his head as he walked. “He wasn’t wearing shoes.”

Murray laughed. “No, I guess he wasn’t. That’s a dealbreaker for me.”

“Murray, you don’t wear shoes either,” Bentley said.

“Exactly!” Murray went on, still laughing. “Somebody has to wear the shoes in the relationship!”

All three of them laughed, and couldn’t stop laughing until they reached the Chinese.

~

“Ah, the smell of sweet, sweet MSG,” Sly licked his lips as he set out the various cartons and bowls.

“This isn’t going to give me indigestion, is it?” Bentley asked skeptically, wrinkling his nose.

“No, no, I got your egg rolls and plain rice here,” Sly set out the food separately for Bentley before using a set of chopsticks to serve himself liberal amount of pork fried rice and vegetable lo mein, claiming one of the containers of scallion pancakes for himself.

“Man,” Murray grinned, slurping his hot and sour soup, “I forgot how good Chinese food actually is.”

“Right?!” Sly beamed. “Glad I thought of it. I haven’t had a good Chinese in months!”

“It’s delicious, I agree. Pass the wonton soup, Murray?” Bentley asked.

“What’re we watchin?” Sly asked between shoveling noodles into his mouth.

Murray blushed. “Are you guys gonna kill me if I say I wanna watch “Pitch Perfect” again?”

Sly swallowed noisily. “Nah, I like that one all right. It’s funny.”

“I’ve no objection,” Bentley said, taking off his glasses momentarily to clean them of the fog from his soup. “It’s date night, after all. You always pick the films for date night.”

“You guys still wanna call it date night?” Murray asked.

The gang had always jokingly held “date nights” for self care, movies, and video games. But that had been before Murray was officially out of the closet. His friends were straight. He thought they hadn’t had a date night in a while because his friends didn’t want to do that sort of this with him now that he was out as gay.

Sly leaned forward. “You okay, big guy?”

Murray sniffled. “I...I dunno, I thought you guys...didn’t wanna do this with me anymore.”

“Why wouldn’t we?” Bentley asked.

“I’m gay,” Murray confessed. “I like guys.”

“So?” Sly twitched his tail in confusion. “You’re still my brother. My friend.” He waved his tail in Murray’s face, making the hippo sneeze. “In case I haven’t made it abundantly clear,” the raccoon snuggled up properly against Murray’s side, chittering quietly, “I love you, pal.”

“So do I,” Bentley affirmed. “And...not to be too blunt about it, but...it was pretty obvious to me that you weren’t straight. But,” he cleared his throat, smiling. “That never mattered to me. You’re still my brother. And I still love you.”

Murray rubbed the tears out of his eyes. “Thanks, guys.”

“Sure thing, Murray,” Sly replied, butting his head against Murray’s shoulder before sitting up to properly shovel more food down his throat.

“I’ll get the DVD,” Bentley abandoned his food momentarily and rolled his chair over to set up the TV. Once he was done, he took his food and rolled closer to the couch, so Murray could enjoy his comfort, too.

Murray smiled warmly, happily chowing down on Chinese food and shouting all the words to the songs at the top of his lungs.

That was the best part about being home, Murray decided as he laughed at Sly nearly choking on a wonton and Bentley snorting soup out his nose. Being with the people who loved you unconditionally.

Dean had so many issues when it came to relationships and why his always crumbled. And, the frustrating part as an audience member is seeing the show refusing to textually engage with his issues. There are various reasons why they would be against it (it would ruin his tough-man vibe; homo/biphobia; address that John was a piece of shit; breakdown the brother codependency– the main ingredients of the show), but how that plays out is you get a characterisation that doesn’t making sense.

We read a lot of meta on here, and things make sense when you backtrack, but the shows refused to say anything.

Just thinking about Dean and Cas. One of the most up and down relationships, but also one of the most consistent. They fight and forgive; and every time they both learn a little something. But because TPTB were too scared for Dean to say to himself (at the very least), “I love and trust Cas to a degree that scares me so anytime he hurts me or lies to me, I doubt my own judgement, because I think I know him best,” or “I did this really fucked up thing to Cas because I’ve got control issues and am very scared of compromising the family I have built for myself,” the conflict can never actually be resolved. A “Welcome back, pal,” doesn’t fix anything, but sweeps all the bullshit under the rug.

‘Til the End of the Line (or Not) OR: See? We TOLD You “No Homo.” Love, Markus and McFeely

*****WARNING: 99.9% SALT!! Contains spoilers for Avengers Endgame!!****

I guess this is part two of my personal processing of Endgame. @pitchforkcentral86 was not satisfied by my timey-wimey Endgame post, which centered on Steve’s choice to go back in time to be with Peggy and the implications of that choice. She remarked that yeah, it’s great that Steve might not be a total piece of crap, Pym particles, yada yada, whatever, but it still didn’t make her feel any less despair over this ending.

The source of her agony: Steve and Bucky’s relationship and its utter lack of satisfying resolution. So I shall address that now, because I think I feel worse about that than anything, and I can’t explain it away with Pym particles.

Anyone who has any investment at all in the relationship between Bucky and Steve — whether you are a Stucky person or whether you view them as platonic but deeply connected best friends — has probably had to spend the last two movies scraping around the floor, searching for crumbs, signs, any hints that these two people care about each other. We have been begging the Russos, the screenwriters Markus and McFeely, anyone who would listen, for anything to suggest that they are even on the barest of speaking terms, let alone that they have the intensity of relationship that the MCU spent 3+ movies explicitly convincing us that they have. I’ll even come out and say that although I ship Stucky in fandom and fic hardcore, I am not an MCU canon Stucky person per se. I’m 100% fine if the MCU wants to treat this as a deep, fraternal friendship. In fact, I see some benefits to this interpretation. How wonderful if men could love each other so deeply and have it NOT be sexual or romantic. But I’m also 100% fine with people interpreting this as romantic love, and there were times throughout this franchise where the actors, various parties in production, and Marvel itself has been agnostic on the subject, if not encouraging of gay interpretations of their relationship. Let it be what you want, fans have been told. Or just flat out post a pic of Steve and Bucky on #National Boyfriend Day like Civil War comic writer Mark Millar. Sure. At times, it almost felt safe to ship them. As soon as Civil War drew to a close, however, it started becoming... inconvenient for Bucky and Steve to be together. Steve needs to go to the Raft. Bucky needs to go into cryo. Steve needs to become Nomad and go secret avenging. Bucky needs to do his Vibranium Brain Magic (TM)/goat herding complex PTSD recovery program. Side note: Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) is my provisional diagnosis based on virtually nothing, because Bucky’s character has gotten so little substantive screen time that we can only guess at his psychological state, save what can be conveyed through glistening eyes and woobieface and “... but I did it.” Wow. Bowl me over, you really got me right in the McFeelys. Though +1000 to SebStan for working what he got to work with to the max. That motherfucker can act. We know for certain approximately jack shit about Bucky’s internal experience post-Winter Soldier. And so, like pretty much everything with Bucky and this friendship/ship arc, I will just guess at what is actually wrong with him. But after 70 years as a POW being tortured and possibly gaslit and definitely brainwashed, that is almost the textbook recipe for complex PTSD, so imma go with that. Returning to this distance. Now, it first appears to be largely logistical in nature. Steve is over here, Bucky is over there. Golly, just too busy to hang these days. All this secret avenging without you. And when we pine — pine — for the meaningful reunion of these two in IW, instead we got a “Hey brah, how's it hanging?” “You know, old and traumatized lol” exchange and a “let’s make sure our dicks don’t touch” back-slappy hug that lasted two seconds. This is without any hint as to whether these two have seen each other yet after Bucky’s de-thawing, leaving us to wonder whether this is really the big reunion we have been waiting for. 

(If we had audio, the sound would be 70% slapping.)

I’m going to pause here, because for many of us, this was devastating. After all, we were left with this shot of Steve as Bucky made the choice to go into cryo, a choice that seemed only somewhat justifiable on the vague grounds of “I can’t trust my own mind.” (Me either, pal.)

Ugh.

Perhaps this was also an avoidance strategy — easier to go back on ice than deal with the emotional fallout of what just happened. And who could blame him? He is probably still relearning how to cope effectively with things after his entire coping system was destroyed by his time with Hydra. But Steve was clearly disappointed or, at the very least, saddened by this. He gets something back just to lose it again. Enter distance. He leaves and goes avenging. Emotionally, perhaps this move to cryo created distance as well. Their relationship was on such fragile ground at this point, mostly an artifact from the ‘40s, and their chance to deepen it was taken away by the writers because Bucky wanted to go on ice for reasons and Steve needed to do Steve things. And so when IW rolled around, oh, did we want them to have a substantive reunion. But alas, we did not get that. We saw equally substantive exchanges between Bucky and Sam or Rocket and far more substantive exchanges between Steve and pretty much anyone else. And then we got the ultimate separation — (fake) death. Again. A traumatic, unplanned loss that costs another five years from their timeline, all before they even got the chance to properly re-establish a friendship. Again, I’m going off of what we actually see portrayed, not off of what we assume or would like to see. We have absolutely no idea how much Steve and Bucky interacted in Wakanda. But Steve busted Sam out of the Raft quite early, early enough that he still had a messed up face from the time Tony went in (unless he was getting beatings on the reg, which is possible). So if he was hanging with Sam since before Bucky went on ice, and Sam just visited Wakanda for the first time in IW, either Steve was borrowing the Quinjet to secretly visit Wakanda on his own to hang with Bucky, or he hadn’t been back to Wakanda since he left the first time. 

Regarding Steve visiting Wakanda between CW and IW — I found this bullshit from Markus and McFeely on the subject of whether Steve and Bucky met or talked prior to IW. The writers could not even agree about their own characters, with one saying that Steve and his crew probably visited Wakanda and hung out with Bucky and the other saying, eh, the two of them “maybe Skyped.” As to the former, this is not at all supported by the narrative or by logic. Infinity War is clearly Sam’s first time in Wakanda, with all that drama about “zomg you’re gonna hit those trees, bro!” as they are flying into the city. And why would Steve  leave his team alone and vulnerable, probably taking the Quinjet, their only form of reliable and safe transportation, so he could go visit Bucky alone? He’s not there for a booty call, y’all, because these guys have barely even rekindled their friendship. Moreover, the other secret avengers know how important Bucky is to Steve. This isn’t a secret. There would be no reason to go alone and no reason for T’Challa to forbid Nat, Sam, and Wanda from coming to Wakanda. So it makes no sense that Steve has visited Wakanda prior to IW, and thus, that would make IW their first meeting, which is… utter and heartbreaking garbage. But at least they had motherfucking SKYPE. MAYBE. Fuck. You. Very. Much. 

So, in the face of this shit reunion and Bucky’s subsequent dusting, some of us kindled hope for the upcoming Endgame. Perhaps we would get flashbacks. We knew there would be flashbacks or time travel because we saw stuff in the trailers and sneak peeks from the set. So maybe there would be something there to account for the utter lack of attention to their relationship in Infinity War. Again, this was the mere request that Markus and McFeely and the directors acknowledge wholeheartedly what they have been building for these characters since the beginning of their time in the MCU. This was not even strictly about Stucky. This was about doing justice for these characters as humans. But there were no flashbacks. Who knows what happened in Wakanda. We will have to fill in the blanks on our own. Not a single comment could be spared to even signal whether the IW Wakanda scene was their first time seeing each other since cryo.  “How’s that new arm treating you?” or “God, it’s been so long”/deep emotion would be all it would have taken to not keep us wondering one way or the other. This suggests a lack of consideration to the fans of these characters and this relationship — which, again, Markus and McFeely slaved to get us to pour our hearts into. So… Endgame. What was that? Bucky and Steve didn’t stand next to each other at Tony’s funeral. Okay. Bucky is not an A-list Avenger. He did kill Tony’s parents. Awkward. Bucky was comforted by Sam, his… guy he sat behind in the Volkswagen in Civil War and fought next to in IW, and he needed comfort apparently (?) because he… killed Martha and Howard Stark (??), which was sweet, and much more spontaneous affection than we’ve seen from Steve in an age, but what the actual fuck??? Was that Mickey Mouse standing behind the Iron Man 3 kid wearing a “Falcon and Winter Soldier” miniseries t-shirt?

And that ending. This was maybe the one implied nugget of friendship between them visible with an electron microscope. They obviously had at least one deep conversation about Steve deviating from the plan to go have a life, and they obviously had a discussion about who would succeed him as Cap. My dreams of Bucky Cap were dashed into dust, but as @pitchforkcentral86 said, it would have been cruel to give it to Bucky. Bucky would possibly have taken it if Steve kicked the bucket in EG, but it makes the most sense to be passed along in a planned way to Sam. So maybe they had at least one good conversation. Way, way off camera. Bucky said he would miss him. Recycled TFA line. Thank God it was not involving the words “jerk” and “punk.” Glistening woobie eyes. Steve leaving to go be with the one person who can make him feel like a whole human being, apparently, because there is nothing and nobody tethering him to this time in history anymore.

Whoa— wait— WHAT??? These are the moments where I literally double check the credits for the Cap movies to make sure that it says “Markus and McFeely.” Then I check the latest Avengers movies to make sure they also say “Markus and McFeely.” And they ALL DO!! The same two men painstakingly crafted the story of Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes, two men who — let’s be literal in the narrative here, for the sake of making a conservative argument — are best friends from childhood. They hammered on this story HARD, making sure that their relationship was so strong that by the time 2016 rolled around, the depth and intensity of their friendship and Steve’s commitment to it would tear the Avengers apart. And along the way, something else happened.

When you put two people in relationship like this, you have to know that there will be consequences. People will grow very emotionally invested in their relationship, because that is exactly what the writers were asking the audience to do. These dudes did their job, all right! And then something else happened, quite easily, even though these things will also happen under much harsher conditions: Stucky. Winter Soldier alone probably launched a hundred thousand ships for these two — gay, gay ships, so very gay, the glitteriest, gayest of cruise liners — from a hundred thousand ports around the globe. This ship has permeated pop culture even outside the fandom (some dumb gross man jokes from Screen Junkies within, but the Stucky shenanigans start at around 3:15).

And perhaps that’s when Markus and McFeely realized what a monster they created, one that would clash in ugly ways with their forthcoming (heterosexual) narrative, — their endgame for Steve. And so what did they do? Overcorrect. Wildly. Pull the plug. Bucky and Steve can’t fall out as friends completely, but what’s the next best thing? Give them almost zero screen time together, lest anyone be tempted to think they have a serious relationship — and again, I’m just talking friendship at this point, let alone anything else. Make their lines devoid of substance. Keep us wondering about the nature of their dynamic. Did the distance grow too great? Is Bucky not able to reconnect with anyone? Is Steve too busy? Too salty?? Who knows! These are possibilities, but none are explained. Then just poof Bucky off the face of the earth for 5 years to create existential distance. And in the meantime, ensure that Bucky is shown as not even a passing thought for Steve Rogers. Ensure that his name is never once uttered by Steve until he is about to leave him to go be with Peggy — oh except when, in a real dick move, when he emotionally whumps his past self with the news that Bucky is alive for the sole purpose of getting out of a stranglehold. At the same time, ensure that Steve is seen becoming single-mindedly fixated on Peggy Carter, and make sure the audience — including all those pesky Stucky shippers — knows that he considers her the “love of his life.” Ensure we see the compass with increasing frequency and with maximum longing. Insert Steve finding the absurd photograph of himself on the Director of SHIELD’s desk, facing the door for any junior colleague to see her pining over him like a schoolgirl long after he died, which is just about the least Peggy Carter thing I can ever imagine (and these people created and wrote for the Agent Carter TV series!!!).

Then give us our first openly gay person in the MCU. And drop him in the same scene that you confirm once and for all that Peggy Carter is the love of Steve Rogers’ life. Have Steve be so fucking cool with it that he makes us proud and relieved that he’s not a homophobe. Whew! Only… it makes us feel kind of gross, and maybe we can’t quite figure out why at first. But maybe it’s because it feels  personal, like a concession, like the writers and director knew exactly what they were doing to a lot of people who feel a very specific way about Steve’s sexuality and about his relationship with Bucky Barnes. It feels like a tone deaf nod to the fandom. Sorry, guys. No homo. We really did try to warn you with the whole Sharon Carter thing. (Sharon Carter, in an act of gross and misogynistic misuse, remains one of the most criminally mistreated characters in the entire MCU, arguably serving almost entirely as a “no homo” device before being completely discarded, never to be heard from again.)

Which got me thinking — was this move to distance Steve and Bucky so abruptly a reactive move? The divide between Steve and Bucky that happens in IW and EG feels so cold and inorganic. It does not feel at all driven by the natural arc of the characters as established by the creators themselves. It feels rushed and confusing, like it just needed to happen for plot convenience (though not even clearly that), and once again, we are left trying to figure out what the fuck is actually going on.

Part of that is probably needing to lay the groundwork for Steve’s feelings of alienation, which lead him to his ultimate choice to go back in time. He can’t feel too connected to Bucky or he won’t want to go back to be with Peggy. But could part of this also possibly be a reaction to how strongly Stucky was adopted by the public? Did Markus and McFeely realize how much more strongly we love the idea of Steve and Bucky — as friends or lovers, who cares? — rather than Steve and Peggy, which was probably their ending for Steve all along? Did they realize their terrible mistake of bringing them so close, endearing them to us so much, and then realize “OH SHIT,” and then slam on the brakes? Is that why IW and EG felt like absolute shit for their relationship, even for those who are not total endgame Stucky people?

Okay, but what if their friendship just ran its course? Friendships do that, even really deep ones. These two have had a huge chronological and experiential rift that never was really healed (thanks to our dear writers). Steve saved Bucky’s life thrice but they never really reconnected. Presumably. As far as we know in the narrative we are given by the writers. Okay. Let’s say you need to get Steve back with Peggy and for Bucky to become pals with Sam instead because contracts and actors. Whatever. Fine. But if you are going to play the “our friendship has come and gone” card, you need to fully PLAY IT. You can’t make it some vague option that might be true because we can’t figure out what the hell is going on. They need to have an actual conversation. For fuck’s sake, if we have time to fuck around with Korg and Miek on the couch and time to have Banner take selfies with kids and do stupid time gags and a bunch of other little shit, there is enough time to have a brief conversation somewhere to imply that “things have changed” or “people change” or something to imply that the writers were even thinking about the course of Bucky and Steve’s relationship as more than just a platform to launch Steve back to Peggy and launch Bucky toward Sam for their spinoff series.

There was just no depth. How can they give us three movies composed almost entirely of Mariana Trench levels of depth between these two men and then give us virtually nothing in IW and then next to nothing in EG to “round out” their entire storyline? The shape of the emotional momentum in this relationship is so wonky and dissatisfying, and the lack of comment on the dissolution of their friendship in the narrative, the fact that it isn’t even being acknowledged, is one of the worst parts. This relationship died without being honored or even attended to at the most basic level, after being told that it is perhaps the most important relationship in Steve and Bucky’s lifetimes and being shown evidence of that fact.

Moreover, let’s get real — calling Peggy the love of Steve’s life should do nothing to diminish his friendship with Bucky Barnes. That’s not how love works. You don’t just get one person. You can have a best friend — hell, you can have two best friends — and a woman you love. (And even moreover, you don’t have to leap back through time to find closeness just because you can. But that’s another matter with Steve’s character that I will address in a future speculative character analysis on Steve in an effort to explain how he got to this point, because I have a super depressing head canon about it involving traumatic grief and loss.) 

But just like comic book science, perhaps there are comic book rules about love and affinity. You only get one person, and Steve gets Peggy. And apparently Bucky gets Sam. Because contracts. But as I said before, I would have been okay if they had a dissolution of their friendship because that was the course of their friendship. Just tell us what is happening. Have the decency to respect your characters by giving their relationship a true arc, whatever it is. You can’t just recycle a TFA line and call it an arc. That is not an arc. Markus and McFeely goddamn know better and we know they know better, because we just saw a beautiful relationship arc closing with Tony and Pepper and, on a smaller scale, with Tony and Peter fucking Parker.

By the way, the small in-person and symbolic interactions between Tony and Peter in EG? Those are what high quality, emotionally salient, brief interactions between people who care about each other look like.

1. Tony’s picture of Peter in his kitchen: He can see from where he does his dishes. He looks at it meaningfully and thoughtfully before making a major plot-essential decision that risks his way of life.

2. Tony and Peter’s reunion hug: It starts off with some humor and classic Peter rambling. Becomes a full-ass, real hug. Nobody slaps the other’s back. Peter remarks, very sincerely, “oh, this is nice.”  <3

3. Tony’s death scene: Peter is visibly and truly wrecked. Tony looks at him in a heartfelt way. Words are unnecessary. It is perfect.

Bonus IW moment, because it is one of the most moving images I have seen in the MCU: Tony has Peter’s ashes in his goddamn mouth, eyes closed. Defeated.

Jesus Christ. Don’t tell me Markus and McFeely don’t know how to write characters and brief, powerful interactions, even when the characters are not together. They most certainly are very, very capable of this.

So why did we get the lifeless, quippy drivel and lame physical contact they gave Bucky and Steve in IW and EG? Which, regarding their last convo, was Bucky spilling his guts and Steve being like “Yeah brah, you’ll be fine, don’t be a fucking idiot while I’m off being happy with the only person in the universe who can make me complete #surprisesoulmates.” Bucky offers his quippy mandatory TFA callback retort so that the audience remembers that these two once gave an actual fuck about each other at one point in the narrative.  Cue slappy-back-no-dick-touch hug. And please don’t tell me that this is just how men from the ‘40s hug. I would buy that for TFA, but after everything they’ve been through in Winter Soldier and Civil War? I am not buying it.

**Slap-slap**

So we get a Steve Rogers who exits the MCU permanently by making a contentious, questionable final choice with questionable implications that take a graduate degree and/or a hive mind to questionably figure out (or else I’m just a fucking idiot and I’m the only one who needed those things). And we also get the profoundly dissatisfying demise of a relationship that we invested a tremendous amount of emotional energy in because that is what the screenwriters and directors asked us to do. 

I am not writing this as a diehard Stucky shipper. I love Stucky, don’t get me wrong. It’s all I read and write in fandom. And I can certainly buy a world (at least, in Caps 1-3) where canon Steve’s love for Bucky is the gay kind and vice versa. Sure. But I am writing this as a person who loves good characters and good story, and this is such a hard fail that even if I had no emotional investment in these two characters, I would wonder what Markus and McFeely had against Steve and Bucky that they let their garden succumb to drought while they tended so considerately to Tony and Peter and Tony and Pepper and Steve and Natasha and Steve and a dead woman and Thor and Bruce and Thor and fucking Rocket, pretty much all of whom (with the exception of Tony and Pepper) have had so much less at stake, so much less time invested, and so much less of a reason for the audience to give a fuck.

But more importantly, I am writing this as a lover of Steve and Bucky, two people who have a well-established, rock-solid, indisputable human relationship that deserves so much more than what it got, especially given all of the unspeakable suffering these men have experienced separately and as a byproduct of their separation. Canonically. This is not made up fandom shippery superimposed upon Markus and McFeely’s precious creation. This is the truth of these two men as determined by the hands of the creators who also neglected them into nothingness, which is arguably a fate far worse than one or both of them dying an actual, final death.

I am left feeling disappointed and betrayed as a fan, wishing, as others have confided in me, that I was more of a Tony person and had been all along. Because then I would be walking away from this still grief-stricken, but at least it would be for the right reasons.

--

--

I will leave you with this, arguably one of the last in-character moments for Bucky and Steve in the MCU. 

A Love Letter for Myself

                Sometimes in life you will have those moments where nothing seems right. No matter what you do and where you are, you don’t seem to fit in. You don’t feel like anyone understands you, you don’t feel like anyone would want to listen. You are alone. Again. As you reach for the flames to light up yet another cigarette, you stop and can’t help but think. “When will this emptiness stop? Am I going to feel like this for the rest of my life? Will anyone actually be there for me?” As you ask those questions, talking to yourself in your head you realize that no one is actually going to stay. You rest your body on the bed where you usually weep and where you whisper your deepest darkest secret but this time, instead of blaming yourself you seek for an answer.

                  You were always afraid. Afraid of being alone. Whether you’re in the dark or out in the sun, you would rather be left alone at times just because you need to catch a break. This does not mean that you enjoy being alone though. The best times you had in your life are the times you spent with your pals. After all, laughing with someone else is always better than laughing on your own. The scars on your body marks a different story though, you put your trust out and you let your guards down only to be left broken. Humans were the reason you were so afraid. You were judged for so many reasons by these homo sapiens that it triggers your anxiety. Sometimes you try to be your best but others don’t really see that you tried, they look pass that and only see your flaws.

                  At this very moment as I am laying down in a room by myself, I realize that I have no one else but these voices in my head. I realize that if I couldn’t love myself, who else could love me for who I am? My whole life people were the reason I was so afraid. I wore my heart on my sleeves and I realize it’s not my fault for doing that and I did no wrong. It’s not my fault to care so much about everybody else. It’s not my fault I tend to be afraid of loving somebody else. It’s not my fault to be afraid. I have been let down so many times that I told myself, “You should stop having feelings.” This time though I am no longer afraid of my feelings. I am assured that I have these feelings for a reason and if my feelings are wrong then I would accept it with an open heart.

                  One day, someone will love you for who you are. One day, someone will love you for your silliness. One day, someone will love you even if you seem too emotional. One day, someone will love you for your scars. One day, someone will love your laughter, your cries and your screams. Today however, you will learn to love yourself. Today, you will accept and love yourself no matter how much you hate every inch of your body. Today, you will love and accept your soul no matter how much you think it is broken. Today, as you speak to yourself again, you would tell yourself that you are not a mistake. You will raise your head up and tell yourself you are going to be someone important. Finally, you would tell yourself you don’t need anyone else and that the only love you need, is from yourself. From this day forward, you would tell yourself “I love you.”

I wanna see Love, Simon sooooo bad, but my family is currently in a very bad financial situation so it's impossible and I'm gonna have to wait months until it comes out on DVD and I can realistically ask for an illegal copy to be downloaded (don't shame me everyone's done it at one point of another)

Hey pal! I understand what it can be like to be in that situation, and I’m really sorry. I have been in situations before where I had to be entirely financially independent at a very young age, so I can empathize with your struggles. Sometimes you can’t do that thing you’ve really been wanting to do. Sometimes there’s just no money to spare. I know you must be really upset about that right now, but try your best not to worry too much about it. Don’t let it stress you out. You can always save up, and eventually, it will come out on DVD or be available for download. Which, yeah, I’m not going to say I’ve never done that before either. Meanwhile, I suggest you find one of the numerous sites where you can totally legally download and read the book Love, Simon was based on! It’s called Simon V.S. The Homo Sapiens Agenda by Becki Allbertali. It’s one of my favorite books of all time, and it can be found online fairly easily if you do some poking around. Hopefully, you can find it and you’ll enjoy it as much as I did. I promise it’s a worthwhile read. Not only that, but it’s good to read it in preparation for the movie! I know how hard it can be, and sometimes things like this can really get you down, but remember that it’s all temporary. You will eventually see Love, Simon. You will eventually have at least some semblance of financial stability. I’m still crawling out of that whole as we speak, but trust me when I say I’ve made progress. Things are going to be just fine for the both of us. Good luck, and I hope you can feel better soon.

hello! as 2017 is ending nd 2018 is starting i thought i’d do a mutual appreciation post like many others are doing/have done because wtf i love my friends [dowoon voice] hey! and yes thats me down there bc hashtag love myself hashtag love yourself - big time rush, 2017 

heres some (hopefully) short sappy story lads,, so ive converted this blog 3 times from a 5sos one to an aes blog and now we’re here! ive had this as a kpop sideblog since the start of july and i never expected to make as many friends as i have now and it still wows me so much wtf... i love all of you im gonna throw myself off a cliff into a sea of love 

legend: ☆ - people i love a lot, ☾- the most important to me!, bolded for trusted mutual

short message to my moon people alright hopefully i dont write an essay

☾ @softshouyous: falen waht the fuck u know when u told me we were only friends for a whole year and a half i didnt believe it ;-/ i thought we were pals for longer thats just how close we are i guess ive done so many falen love essays so ill be repeating myself lmao youre one of my greatest friends on here and twitter and i just wanted to say thank you, for a few things!! first for staying strong and being here today!! second is for following (back?) on twitter which lead us to not Dying off u kno...,, third is for being someone i can rely on whenever i need to and talking to you makes me feel the safest bc i know.. i know u rly like being my friend ur my safe friend my special place i love u :D 

☾ @briwoon: hey boxy!!!!!!!!! i dont remember how we became friends but i have a lot to say to u why didnt u send a tree in dhhdh u dont have to bc ill be professing my love for u here b*thc ! dude ok i always say this bc im basically a broken record but thank you sososososoosososososososoosososo much for introducing me to day6 because damn without you i wouldnt be here and i dont know how id have managed to survive the rest of the year without them so really- thank you so damn much i love u the mostest :( i know u might be going through some tough times but please know that i am here for you (so is bell!) so feel free to talk to us anytime!! another thing, thank u for introducing me to mx as well you really brought happiness into my life bc of everything..! ur imapct my dude!!!!!! this all happened bc of you! this is happening bc of you and i just want you to know that youve given me a reason to smile everyday nd im hoping one day youll have a reason to smile daily too! im glad astro are helping you out too and that you like them :-( i love u 2 the moon and back! 

☾ @tokayhk: bell just 2 start off ill be saying no homo duhdjhdh just kidding i love u so much okay i know we havent even been buddies for that long but it feels like ive known u for more! !!!!! ur a friend i can rant to (and be extra shady with) and youve also helped me accept reality (thank u god) even tho i did hate u for like 1 minute but im over that please dm me any time to tell me 2 wake the fuk up bc sometimes i need it ;-/ despite being a youngin youre super mature which led me to think u were like 18 but thats clearly not the case jdjs its okie though ur doing amazing for a [redacted] year old!!!!! please i love ur humor so much and every time u say ur not funny i wanna punhc u but with love bc ur the funniest person i know :-( u always make us (the hq) laugh and pleas its amazing ur presence in the gc rly brightens the whole place up i love u also ur impact ive been using the phrases u say a lot more often now i shld start crediting u in the tags or smth (c) bell ! also! im glad u got into astro bc before boxy u were the only person id be yelling to on twitter about astro im glad u like them too wtf ! i love u so much and thank u for being my friend and being born :-0 i already told u like a few lines back but u rly are funnie and also ur art i mcdie every time huhuuhu i miss ur streams but idk when im free ;-( ur streams rly made my day we became friends through that and the gc is thriving its been a good year ! 

ill stop there bc this post would get super long if i didnt now on 2 my buddies!! (?? how many alphabets are there)

A-L:

@astrofireworks / @briwoon ☆ / @ckyun / @chaekkung ☆ / @cinnamoonbunbin ☆ / @dalkkong ☆ / @eggkyun / @eunrocky / @gothhyungwon ☆ / @heybinnie / @hokidan / @hyyh-pt2 / @ikyh / @imchangkyute / @ilovedowoon / @jianhyuk / @jinwooes / @jooheun ☆ / @kihyunswife ☆ / @kimkyungsoos / @kiwirn / @leedongmlns ☆ / @ljh-94 

M-guys i cant do the fucking hashtag what the fuck pretend its there:

@m1nhyuk ☆ / @minhyukt ☆ / @mxgoth / @myunghjun / @mxrays / @minhyukwithagun ☆ / @monbeebs ☆ / @morningcallz / @nubebe ☆ / @oikawayylmao / @parkminhyuksegg / @softki​ / @softshouyous​ ☆ / @space-triangles​ / @smileyrocky​ / @tokayhk​ ☆ / @vmxns​ / @whonpil​ / @warmhyungwon / @04yeol / @1showho ☆ / @15hyungwon / @94honeyluv 

if you werent added in here (aka my dumbass forgot) just like this post and ill add u immediately!!! also dont worry if you werent bolded/starred i love everyone!!!!!! all of you have made my 2017 a little bit better and brighter and i hope we’ll be able to stay friends/mutuals in the next year as well 

feel free to unfollow/break the mutual anytime though!! :D your dash should be filled with things you want to see/love! this should be posted at 12am my time so happy new year (eve, for most) i hope everyone has a good day/night! thank you once again for making my year better ♡

i neevr shut up but another thing,, good job to everyone for managing to make it through another year!! im proud of everyone okie i love u guys :_) oh ya god can i shut up but shout out to my secret santas!!! miss cryptic if ur out there thank u for being an awesome ss i hope ur doing well !! 

100 questions ask game

I was tagged by @mysmoldarkfictionalsons <33 I tag @surelance @spacemcclain @k3ithkogane @bobaphichit and @angst-in-space and all my mutuals/followers :D!! You don’t have to do it but seems like a nice way to know ny’all better :’) 

1: When you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? more cereal!

2: Do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? what is a wintery day all I feel is humidity and tears

3: What random objects do you use to bookmark your books? random receipts 

4: How do you take your coffee/tea? Coffee- cold!!! with a like 2 spoons of cream and a LOOT O sugar 

5: Are you self-conscious of your smile?

My laugh mostly but I guess they’re similar?

6: Do you keep plants?

Yess my home balcony has many 

7: Do you name your plants? No??

8: What artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? Drawing drawing painting but not digitally? like sometimes I just take a watercolor paper and attack it with a paintbrush to vent

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? I can’t hum! idk why so I singgg

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? stomachh

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? A beach potato flew around my room and a skeleton wants to bone me

12: what’s your favorite planet? ....earth...??? But I guess the next would be Saturn <3

13: what’s something that made you smile today? This little boy bumped into me and I went ‘ouch’ and he did this little gasp and held my hand I wanted to steal him

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? I have a feeling it would be really warm and fuzzy and a cupboard full of ready made soup powder cause I love soupp

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! If a baby was to be born in space, it would probably be born all deformed 

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? ??? I’m uncultured

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? red and brown highlights just tbh but If I was allowed to be crazy, dark purple <3

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. well I apparently spray painted ‘sex’ in neon orange in the school bathroom in my old school and I once did this complicated dab dance in front of the class nobody lets me forget it 

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? Oh yes I have a lovely black faux leather book and I just write random things that happened in the day or fanart ideas!! surprising amount of matt holt doodles

20: what’s your favorite eye color? Light brown or grey ugh I could melt 

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. I don’t really have one?? but I do have this samsung laptop bag that has literally been with my like everywhere

22: are you a morning person? YES i love four am

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? drink cold coffee, lie on the bed and send stupid selfies to my friends

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? yes <3

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

In my old school there would be the fourth floor where people aren’t allowed to go and I was just curious okay and I looked inside and a shitload of mirrors??? i have no idea

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? this weird ass pink sandals that say new york city on them

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? strawberry I guess?

28: sunrise or sunset? SUNRISE <3

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? This one girl randomly uses her pointer finger to just *flipflopflipflopflipflop* the tip of her nose and then she like blinks twice its so fucking cute okay

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? No 

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. they succ. no? NO!?? yes. socks are weird even the word is weird I dislike them

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. not much to say sadly but this one time on a sleepover we got bored staying awake so we went to the neighbouring 24/7 store and got icecreams and then fell sick it was nice

33: what’s your fave pastry? I guess a.. brownie? I’m not that into baked stuff?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? didn’t have many wasn’t attached to them...

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? yeS YES YES

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? I think? U2 for some reason

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? clean... :( but im weak

38: tell us about your pet peeves! people not closing the door

people stopping your music to talk to you

people putting a babY ON THE PHONE TO TALK TO ME

39: what color do you wear the most? greyyyy i love wearing grey

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? i have this one pretty crystal pendant that i bought on a roadtrip i love it 

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? simon vs the homo sapiens agenda

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! the starbucks at the mall? Its ceiling is covered in pipes and stuff for the electricity or heat or whatever but it has really comfy couches i love it

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? My dog.. but a person? I guess this girl in my apartment who I sometimes just roam around with

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? last summer

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? No not really I seem to think about consequences a lot more lately but if I’m feeling it, yES

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. what’s up? - The ceiling.

I HATE THIS WITH MY ENTIRE BEING PEOPLE WHO SAY THIS SHOULD GO TO HELL AND BACK cause im mericful

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? tomatoes. die

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? leaving for college. No

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? idk i dont

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? bookmaRKS i have like 200 of them

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? never come back again by austin

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? cowboy hat!

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? I don’t really care too much?

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? my mom

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? yell ‘kavya is a bich’ into the school on the third floor 

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? when it’s people i LIKE? them

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? that song was my childhood so I love thhsdkjhsjkd just sang along

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? I’m wine mom! S is vodka aunt bc it just fitss

59: what’s your favorite myth? apollo and hyacinthus

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? I guess? I like phenomenal women 

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? I gave a potato and received a small mirror that said -u r bootiful- on the back

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? nahh

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? my bookshelves are BEAUTIFUL ilovethem and I just have my music playlists so??

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? pastel blueee

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? yes

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? white flowers <3

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? aweSOME i have a special playlist for days like that

68: what’s winter like where you live? its rainy

69: what are your favorite board games? TERRA MYSTICAAAA and jenga

70: have you ever used a ouija board? nahh

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? I don’t really drink tea?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? YES OMG

73: what are some of your worst habits? my hands always get too excited so I fiddle a lot and tend to tear the edges of pages

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. the most reflective pretty eyes I’ve seen. has the best heart in the whole word. literally the embodiment of good and pure

75: tell us about your pets! HER NAME IS AMBER SHE’S A SHIHTZU I WOULD DIE FOR HER AND IF YOU HURT HER I’LL KILL YOU SHE’S THE BEST THING IN THE WHOLE GODDAMNED WORLD

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? writing an exam tbh it doesn’t count though

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink I had it once I liked it a lot

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? *walks away* don’t include me in your shenanigans

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? So I was about to leave my old school right? last day was over, finals were done, and the reality that I would lose all of them was just settling in. so I think my mom noticed I was depressed and she called up ALL of my friends in my group of pals and they came over even though they live all so far away and I was editing percy in a video and they just hugged me from behind I laughed and yelled i miss them

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? everything is purple I have purple wardrobes and walls and doors and yes. I did choose this color? Because I wanted blue but I also wanted pink at that age so I mixed them in and decided on purple!

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. water at zero gravity

82: are/were you good in school? Yesss

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? I love michl’s art? And Eden’s 

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? Maybe two! Idk I’m just a young potato I’ll see to it later

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? I guess! I love asterix&obelix and tintin and I love omg check please and sharp zero 

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

I listen to some of my dad’s so pink floyd’s I guess

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? The lion king movies and Fantastic Mr. Fox

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? Im too asleep for this 

89: are you close to your parents? yeah

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. I LOVE KUALA LUMPUR its’adjabjkabkjadsbjaksd

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? NO WHERE i’m going to get a 10 cgpa and kick school in its ass

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? CHEESEEEEEEEE

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? two pony tails!

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? this old friend of mine

95: what are your plans for this weekend? study for finals 

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? pretty quickly

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? INJP, capricorn and I’m a slytherin!

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? last summer with my family and yeah

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. any Eden song tbh I just scream and now that Jo reminded me I’m crying to little wonders 

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? five years into the future I’m just too scared to go through everything that happens in the next five

What is happening to malec to be getting the gallavich treatment? I don't watch either but I'm curious to see why eyewitness (love that show) was an exception rather than the norm for LGBT relationships on tv.

Apparently they had their first sexytimes offscreen and they barely touch each other. I don’t watch the show, that's just what I saw. Gallavich was the same, they only implied sexual relations and almost never showed them being intimate. Everyone in the fandom knows about the great Neck-Slap(TM) of season 5. Three characters have a five minute threesome, but we get 20 seconds of a poster when there's transgender sex. It seems to me people are worried that something bad will happen to malec because they aren't being treated the same. Also, people are tired of everyone in media perpetuating that lgbt sex and intimacy is more taboo and wrong than hetero stuffs.And here is Eyewitness, a show that's synopsis is literally: two boys witness a triple homicide after kissing for the first time. That's it. That’s the show. It is about these two gay teenaged boys and their struggle to evade being murdered while trying to keep their sexuality a secret. And yes obviously USA network is not HBO or Starz, so there was no QaF/L Word/Noah's Arc level sex scenes, but they didn’t cut to black every time they kissed or held hands or looked at each other. And yes, obviously they're teenagers, but that's not really a reason not to show them having sex because other shows exist with teenagers having sex on screen.Overall, every scene with them wasn’t made to feel cheap and got the full attention it needed to convey their relationship. If someone saw one clip of them interacting, they would know they were boyfriends and not just really good pals.Basically, the show wasn’t shouting NO HOMO! every time they were on screen. The scenes were genuine and even the actors and creators explained why not showing the full sex scene was relevant to the storyline. It was meant to show just enough that you understood that they had reached a new level of trust in the development of their relationship and that ultimately seeing anything beyond grabbing a condom wouldn't enhance that message.Yeah, some people still wondered why, but enough people understood that sound reasoning. The writers understood their audience.Shows like Shameless and Shadowhunters and others rely on their gay characters to bring hype to their shows from fans that just want to see kissing. So they do that, but they don't want to make their target demographic feel uncomfortable because they need the ratings more than the screaming girls or actual lgbt people who slog through the hetero to feel somewhat good about themselves.Essentially they give the gays a taste but keep it HOMO Light(TM) for the straight numbers.But no one wanted to watch Eyewitness because they didn't like the story, or the network, or couldn’t find a link, or just out of spite that other people were pushing it so hard......yes, people literally didn’t watch it because people were telling them it was good and that they should watch it. That’s it.That’s not me placing blame, that's me stating facts.All of which has nothing to do with whether or not people want to see malec kiss more on screen.But if you're perfectly fine not requiring television to represent you and your community or anyone else's accurately and fairly, that's......highly suspect.

1-150

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?My ex
2. Are you outgoing or shy?Both ish
3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?My sisters 
4. Are you easy to get along with?I think so
5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?I have no clue
6. What kind of people are you attracted to?Idk 
7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?Probably not bc I don't socialize lmao 
8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?My dad bc I'm annoying 
9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?Not really, just depends who I'm talking to
10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?Liz 
11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?"Okay bet" 
12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now? -Goodbye From Lonely -The Haunting -Saved-Deny U-Black Butterflies and Déjà Vu
13. Do you like it when people play with your hair? Yes ff
14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?Sorta
15. What good thing happened this summer?Yikes my summer was pretty shitty but Pride was the best
16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
17. Do you think there is life on other planets?Yes 
18. Do you still talk to your first crush?Oh no no no that was like 10 years ago 😂
19. Do you like bubble baths?Sometimes 
20. Do you like your neighbors?Yeah
21. What are you bad habits?I have a short temper sometimes and say things/do things on impulse 
22. Where would you like to travel?Everywhere man
23. Do you have trust issues?Trust issues is my middle name
24. Favorite part of your daily routine?The sleeping part
25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?All of it 
26. What do you do when you wake up?Check if my dogs in my bed
27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? I don't really know tbh 
28. Who are you most comfortable around?My sister 
29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?Yeah 
30. Do you ever want to get married?Maybe 
31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?
 God no lmao 32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?Ruby rose and Cara Delevinge fUck
33. Spell your name with your chin.FAjfb
34. Do you play sports? What sports?Nah
35. Would you rather live without TV or music?TV
36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?Yeah 
37. What do you say during awkward silences?I'll make weird noises, literally or say "yeahh" or fucking nod lmao kms
38. Describe your dream girl/guy?Man idek
39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?Target fo sho and Barnes and Noble 
40. What do you want to do after high school? Idk I want to become a theatre teacher 
41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?Yeah if they show they deserve one
42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?All sorts of shit 
43. Do you smile at strangers? Yeah 
44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?Outer space 
45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?Reminding myself I am better than my illnesses 🤷🏻‍♀️
46. What are you paranoid about?Literally everything like I swear I feel like everyone's out to get me all the time
47. Have you ever been high?BrO yes
48. Have you ever been drunk?Oh hELL YeAh
49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?Yes lmao it was embarrassing af 
50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore? Black
51. Ever wished you were someone else?Ya boi
52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?To stop being so vulnerable woops
53. Favourite makeup brand?Can't relate 
54. Favourite store?Target
55. Favourite blog?I have a bunch of favorites 
56. Favourite colour?Yes
57. Favourite food? Yes
58. Last thing you ate?Food
59. First thing you ate this morning? A banana 
60. Ever won a competition? For what?No bc I'm a fuckin LOSER
61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?Lol yes bc of that dAnK wEeD
62. Been arrested? For what?Yes sorta? I was 10 and it was duMb
63. Ever been in love? Yeah
64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?With a girl under a blanket in my room
65. Are you hungry right now?Not really 
66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?Both equally 
67. Facebook or Twitter?Twitter bc it has sO MUCH TEA
68. Twitter or Tumblr?Tumblr bc I'm a HOMO
69. Are you watching tv right now?No
70. Names of your bestfriends? Mersadies CiciLiz
71. Craving something? What?Fuckin love JK some chocolate covered strawberries f u c k
72. What colour are your towels?White and black and brown idfk
72. How many pillows do you sleep with?A lot to fill all the empty spaces 
73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?No
74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have? Oh boy a lot
75. Favourite animal?LIONS FUCK
76. What colour is your underwear?Blue
77. Chocolate or Vanilla?Swirl ;) I h8 myself lmao
78. Favourite ice cream flavour?Rocky road
79. What colour shirt are you wearing?Navy blue
80. What colour pants?None 
81. Favourite tv show?Supernatural will always and forever be my #1
82. Favourite movie?Rocky Horror Picture Show fuck
83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?Mean girls
84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?Mean girls
85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?Ragina bc I wanna be hit by a bus too wtf
86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?DORY
87. First person you talked to today?Liz
88. Last person you talked to today?My ex
89. Name a person you hate?I try not to hate but um
90. Name a person you love?Oh so many people 
91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? Y e s
92. In a fight with someone?Kinda
93. How many sweatpants do you have?A lot
94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?A shitload
95. Last movie you watched?Rocky Horror 
96. Favourite actress?Winona Ryder fuck me uo
97. Favourite actor?Neil patrick harris 
98. Do you tan a lot?No
99. Have any pets?A bunch
100. How are you feeling?Everything 
101. Do you type fast?Sorta
102. Do you regret anything from your past? Yeah
103. Can you spell well?Sorta
104. Do you miss anyone from your past? Yeah
105. Ever been to a bonfire party? Yeah
106. Ever broken someone’s heart?Idk probably
107. Have you ever been on a horse?Yes
108. What should you be doing?Going to bec
109. Is something irritating you right now?Sorta
110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? YeaH
111. Do you have trust issues?Bro again, trust issues is my middle name
112. Who was the last person you cried in front of? My grandma 
113. What was your childhood nickname?Idek
114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?Yes
115. Do you play the Wii?Not anymore 
116. Are you listening to music right now?Yes
117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?Sometimes 
118. Do you like Chinese food? Ya boiiiiiiiiiii
119. Favourite book?Love Letters to the Dead
120. Are you afraid of the dark?Not really 
121. Are you mean?If I'm in a bitchy mood ya
122. Is cheating ever okay?No no no
123. Can you keep white shoes clean? Nah
124. Do you believe in love at first sightIdk I feel like love is something you develop over time
125. Do you believe in true love?Ig
126. Are you currently bored?Yeah
127. What makes you happy?My pals
128. Would you change your name?No
129. What your zodiac sign?Virgo
130. Do you like subway?Not really 
131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do? Y i k e s
132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with? Liz
133. Favourite lyrics right now? "We both can be fragile But I'll be the first to say It breaks me to break you"
134. Can you count to one million? I'm too lazy
135. Dumbest lie you ever told?I had a twin
136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed? No door here bud
137. How tall are you? 5'7 or 5'8
138. Curly or Straight hair? Both?
139. Brunette or Blonde? Brunette
140. Summer or Winter? Winter
141. Night or Day? Evening 
142. Favourite month? October 
143. Are you a vegetarian? No
144. Dark, milk or white chocolate? Dark
145. Tea or Coffee? Tea
146. Was today a good day? Yes and no
147. Mars or Snickers? Snickers 
148. What’s your favourite quote?"There comes a time when you have to choose between turning the page and closing the book."
149. Do you believe in ghosts? Ya boi
150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? "Unfortunately I'm already booked up"