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stealthnoodle · 4 months

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More dispatches from my Dark Urge, who is trying her best not to disappoint her girlfriend (I have just kicked off Act 3)

My Dark Urge run almost went a different direction because I thought Karlach's romance was bugged ("can't wait to bang you like a gong tonight," she insinuates, and five long rests later my gong remains unbanged), but I finally ran through everything else going on in my camp and was at long last rewarded.

Lisa Frank got that life-changing piping hot Karlussy and she is being SO GOOD now. She was already trending that way, but now there are no more secret midnight murder nibbles. She's gone cold turkey and wow is her butler sore about it

The sheer number of times he tried to talk me into murdering Isobel was kind of hilarious. "You really want to kill her! ...Now she's all alone, so she would be super easy to murder! ...It's not too late to murder Isobel! ...She's right there, PLEASE, just one little murder? For me?" Sorry, bud, Lisa Frank likes Karlach more than viscera.

And I was STRESSED during the segment when the butler shows up and is like, you didn't kill Isobel? Fine. You're gonna sleep-kill Karlach. I burned some inspiration to make sure I woke her up instead of strangling her and the subsequent scene was absolutely wild. If Lisa Frank couldn't scare Karlach off with the murder-madness and the snarling and the biting, I guess these girls really are endgame! Peace and love on Planet Camp.

(I continue to worry constantly about Scratch and the owlbear cub.)

I'm also very sure now that I was right about the Bhaal connection. Act 2 has a lot of good Dark Urge content and tasty, tasty hints, and I am absolutely going to have a big damn confrontation with Orin in Act 3, yeah? I am HYPE. Lisa Frank will rock that jutilated jarapace.

Unrelated to Dark Urging, I didn't fuck up recruiting Jaheira this time, but having her in my party was buggy as shit. First I somehow aggroed the Harpers during the tower fight and had to run deep into the wilds to get away from them. She never got the Flee option, but I guess they gave up chasing her after everyone else fled? I then had to give the Harpers gifts to talk to them again, because they were all at -40. I am 99% certain I didn't friendly-fire them during the fight. (Miette absolutely friendly-fired their asses and no one got mad at her, but who can stay mad at a perpetually affronted kitty?)

But this was merely the baffling beginning. Everything got turbo-weird at the top of the tower.

Jaheira took up a party member slot but was still attached to Lisa Frank like a summon after I invited her to join permanently, and idk if that's normal but it didn't seem normal. If I tried to go to camp before jumping down the big hole, she yelled at me and then vanished forever, and if I got in a fight with the Death Shepard, there was no way to end the combat without the game crashing. I thought I was being so clever using Invisibility to grab shit and scamper away without triggering the fight, but then I discovered killing Ketheric Thorm ALSO reliably crashed the game. I had to roll back to a save at the top of the tower, tell her to join me, and then send her ass to camp alone.

What a journey we went through together, and then didn't go through together after all.

Speaking of buggy shit: I recruited Minthara by seeing what would happen if I knocked her out in Act 1 instead of killing her, and the answer is that it counted for goblin leader removal purposes and that she turned up in Moonrise Tower in her underwear because I fully looted her unconscious body. I think the game doesn't really want you to do this, because she's sharing a tent with Halsin in a way that doesn't look comfortable or intentional. Or maybe they've got a thing going on, I sure won't judge. Anyway, I have been delighted by her takes on the other party members, especially her casual dismissal of Gale, hahaha.

I expect Act 3 to be a roller coaster, but my first order of business is getting into the city proper so I can blow all my money on fancy clothes and dyes. For two acts I have done my best with what I've been handed, but it's about to get FASHIONABLE up in here. Let us bid a fond farewell to Lisa Frank's Disney Princess era:

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #bg3 spoilers #stealthnoodle plays bg3 #i love lisa frank and can't stop won't stop screencapping her #karlach also loves lisa frank despite... a lot #sorry you're in your bra a lot lately karlach i just like you in those acid-washed high-waisted jeans #kicking myself for being too distracted by my own wtfing to screencap the jaheira bugginess #the lengths that i will go to in order to save a big dumb lunk for the sake of his hamster #i'm getting so much more astarion content this time because lisa frank doesn't constantly fuck with him the way miette did #i mean i will still be putting him in Outfits but i suspect he won't mind that part #anyway just discovered that people can toss me coins for doot-dooting on my flute in the streets so i'm going to do that incessantly now

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forcedhesitation · 5 months

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fuck gauntlet edwynna in particular for calling wyll a sickly looking tiefling. rot in hell maybe.

#bg3 #bg3 spoilers #thoughts about media #like wyll felt bad enough as it was about mizora changing his appearance and turning him into a devil!!! fuck off!!!!!#sorry wyll I know you love your father. but he sucks for how he treated you. and the flaming fist are fucking shitbags.#like the fact that you take ravengard out of the equation and the fist immediately start being useless corrupt bastards?#hmmmmmm. 🤔🤔🤔#I wish you tell that woman to piss off. or that the companions had reactions to that. like it's act 3. we are all friends for life now.#and I had JAHEIRA with me. you cannot tell me she wouldn't have something to say in that situation.

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baesooraya · 8 months

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I made Jaheira's VA weep by being bad at the game, oh no.

#i swear i tried to save her #but she just really wanted to hack and paw swipe her way through our enemies in the Towers #lemme say it didnt end well #BUT i got her really cool camp clothes that dye really well #i said it was worth and the woman made a sad face #now i cry in a corner #I'm sorry mom I will do better next time #(I'm playing Durge then god knows whats gonna happen)#baldurs gate #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #jaheira

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thats-a-lot-of-cortisol · 1 month

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2 & 3 from section 1 for peri and 7 from whichever section has a more interesting #7 for diodore -moss

oooh these are fun ones!

2. Describe their tent set-up (outside and inside) (Peri)

I think Peri's tent is constructed similarly to Gale and Astarion's (boxy, fabric walls, little covered area outside). Deep blue fabric w/ golden astronomical embroidery, mostly the sort of thing you see on star maps. Little golden tassles around the edges of the tarp (?) and the doorframe. He'd have a small, circular, dark wood side table short enough that you can use it sitting on the ground, and a dark blue pillow next to it; there would be some parchment and a bronze miniature astrolabe on the table. The inside would be just. full to the brim with the gaudiest night-sky-themed pillows you've ever seen. No bedroll, no palette, just a nest that would put those cube pits in trampoline parks to shame. There would be two bird perches for his familiar Medani: one taller one next to his tent and one shorter one under the overhang. The shorter one would have a crow-sized bow-tie hanging from it. Rugs on rugs on the outside area ofc. 3. What would their character quest be titled? Why? (Peri)

This is a hard one! His tav ending involves taking over the Waterdeep arm of the Harpers, so I think his arc would have something to do with that. He'd be pretty bitter about being dropped into another near-apocalyptic mess when dealing with the last one a few years prior was supposed to be a one-time thing. Something-something ptsd in a world that doesn't have the words for that yet, something-something 'once a hero always a hero', something-something the weight of responsibility...he's a planeswalker so I think part of it would be whether he decides to stay on Toril long-term and directly help rebuild the Waterdeep Harpers or if he continues to run travel around afterwards, so maybe The Far Traveller/The Far Walker?

Harpson/Fae-son are also potential options. "Fae-son" nods to him being a changeling without it being super obvious (like Astarion's "The Pale Elf"). It would also mimic his backstory reveals from RoT ("oh he's not 'from here' so, like, the Feywild" -> "OH he's not from here"). 7. Describe their arc. How would a player help resolve it? What choices can be made? Can your Tav be turned down a dark path, or pulled to a lighter one? (Diodore)

Buckle up because we're in for a long one here. I've thought about Dora's story arc a lot because she's the first of my tavs that I truly made for the game while having full control over her backstory, etc. (versus Corentin, who had their arc baked into the story as a durge). Dora's a paladin of Corellon (oath of ancients) and her story arc as a companion would have to do with whether or not she should accept capital-r-Redemption, the process by which a drow can be truly "freed" from Lolth and rejoin the ranks of the rest of elven society. It involves all of the Redeemed drow's memories being erased and them being reincarnated as a surface elf. The implication seems to be that without that, regardless of a drow's actions, they'd be thrown back to Lolth when they die? Or at least that their eternal fate is unknown (which is the way I prefer to think of it for. personal reasons). Under normal circumstances, Dora would be a long way from Redemption being presented to her at all (she's not even 200 yet and has only been on the surface for a couple decades), but like with the other gods' Chosen among the companions, near-apocalyptic circumstances tend to speed up those sorts of things.

Of course, you'd have the themes of faith & relationship with deity when they're all unequivocally real and are also mostly all assholes; maintaining or breaking generational cycles; facing the unknown; morality when none of your choices are "good" (and how that interacts with morality vs self preservation); power vs freedom; identity outside of the people who made you; etc. The choice would first be presented to her sometime in late Act I/early Act II, likely the first long rest after the group resurfaces from the Underdark and you've probably gotten some of her backstory already. I have no idea how Larian would have characterized Corellon, but he's considered one of the more benevolent/open-minded deities iirc, which could be interesting to see contrasted with Mystra, Vlaa'kith, and Shar. How much that open-mindedness would extend to a drow, even one who has been a faithful follower even before she escaped to the Surface (and who inherited that faith from her father), is unclear. At the beginning of the game she would be leaning towards accepting Redemption, despite her own misgivings about whether or not she would still be her in that case.

Her final decision (at the ending pier scene) would depend on the relationship she has with the PC and the other companions. Her best ending, imo, would be her not accepting Redemption but continuing to be a force for good. If she has a good relationship with the PC, she would have something to lose. I think seeing the House of Mourning would affect her too. After all, the thing Corellon is offering to her as a way to find peace is the same thing the Sharrans are using as a way to manipulate and control others.

She's viscerally aware of how she was socialized and very actively chooses "good", so pushing her towards a darker path would be incredibly difficult but not impossible. If you side with the goblins she'll leave immediately, and turn on you if she's in your party when you attack the grove. But if you decide to try and control the cult in Act II, depending on your over-all actions before then and how you've interacted with her, you could disillusion her to the point of convincing her to break her oath. That path would entail convincing her that controlling the cult is actually the best idea. I'm sure there would be other times that her oath could break that wouldn't necessarily lock her into an "evil" path, especially with how Oathbreakers are handled in the game. Knocking out Minthara instead of killing her outright and letting Auntie Ethel go in Act I instead of killing her are two things that come to mind.

If she doesn't choose Redemption she would be at the epilogue party, of course. I'm a bit undecided on what would happen if she does choose Redemption. She may not be there at all, w/ Jaheira, Halsin, Minthara, and/or Astarion mentioning running into her in her new, reincarnated state. Or she would be there, confused, and mention how the PC seems familiar in a way she can't quite place. In that case, she would ask them how they know each other and mention something about feeling a twinge of grief looking at everyone, but that she doesn't know why she feels that way. It would be up to the PC how much they tell her (if they tell her anything at all).

#ty for the ask mossy!!#and sorry for the wait lol a couple of these stumped me for a minute #thinking about peri & jaheira as narrative parallels...#b/c i want to be clear here. peri was and is *not* looking for more responsibility re: harpers #he was perfectly happy doing security systems. him not seeking power was an active character choice i made for him b/c he's a wizard #but in the Faerun In My Head (tm) the Waterdeep Harpers also get decimated by the Absolute b/c why would they not? theyd be a major threat #especially b/c their high harper was the catalyst for forming the lord's alliance and. like. you think they're *not* reconvening?#for Weird Cult Two: 2 Cult 2 Furious??#gortash would take remallia OUT if at all possible #and also I like torturing my characters #and i think the whole 'weight of duty'/hero's curse (once you get drawn into one situation you can't ignore the others/they come to you)#thing is interesting for peri in particular. the man just wants to live a quiet life and he will! for the most part.#just now with thousands of lives in his hands b/c he's helped stop 2 apocalypses and is irrevocably tied to the fate of the Coast now #his conscious wouldn't let him just leave the Harpers or Waterdeep to rot. and that seems to be similar to the situation jaheira's in #generational cycles the cruel march of time history repeats itself etc etc #that's also why i think he would get Weave'd and have an unusually long lifespan. he wanted to rest and the universe said “no <3”#i think about dora's story a lot also because the whole 'you can be redeemed (from something you were born with)#but only by removing integral parts of yourself' thing hits *right* in the religious trauma #you cant tell me there wouldn't be *some* part of a Redeemed Drow's soul that remembers the people from before they were changed #unless they just. get a new soul in which case it literally isn't them anymore.#doras first real & healthy relationships happen in-game #thats part of why she's drawn to astarion. his bullshit is predictable to her and therefore feels safer.#definitely safer than whatever is going on with the others #(also why she trusts karlach so quickly: she's straightforward and blunt & doesn't really hide things?#and was also the only one to warn her against astarion. dora'd literally never had someone like that in her life before so it stuck)#and she'd feel a bit uncomfortable w/ the concept of Redemption at first but who is she to argue with a god?#esp one who seems kinder than many of the others #but as the story progresses she realizes that she *can* trust these people and that they trust her #and she sees how Gale and Shadowheart and Lae'zel are struggling w/ their deities #and not only does she have something to lose now but she's seeing more of how the gods work generally

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syn0vial · 7 months

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BG3 Companions' Reactions Following Scratch's Permadeath

The following lines are triggered when a character throws Scratch's ball after he's been permakilled (AKA, killed at camp rather than just as a summon).

Astarion

Good riddance to the dog. Who'd miss that waggy little tail... (devnote: Pretending not to be sad and failing)

Does it have a sad squeak now? Is that even possible?

I suppose I'll just pick it up myself.

Can't believe the stupid dog isn't here to get the stupid ball. (devnote: Pretending not to be sad and failing)

Gale

You were an excellent friend, Scratch - and that's coming from a cat-lover.

I hope there's balls and bones galore, wherever you are...

Poor Scratch. I'm lucky to have met you.

I hope Scratch doesn't miss his ball, wherever he is...

Karlach

I miss my dog.

Here, pup. (devnote: Sadly. The dog is dead and she knows this.)

Why am I doing this to myself?

Scratch should be here. With his family.

Lae'zel

It's not much fun alone.

I really don't know what I thought would happen.

Solo fetch. A miserable pastime.

Can't believe I'm going to say this, but - I miss Scratch.

Shadowheart

I need to stop doing this to myself...

I didn't do this enough, when I had the chance.

I hope Scratch has a new ball to play with, wherever he is...

It's silly... part of me felt like Scratch might still show up for his ball.

Wyll

Fetch isn't much of a solo game.

Damn. I miss the furry fellow.

For old times' sake.

I miss you, Scratch.

Halsin

I hope you are happy, wherever you are.

I am sorry, Scratch

I torment myself - Scratch is not going to come

Poor Scratch. I hope he is at peace.

Jaheira

Enough. This isn't helping anyone.

You deserved better, boy

Gods, but you'd miss the fuss. The noise. Gods above, even the smell.

Pointless, without a pup to chase it.

Minsc

Scratch, come and... oh. How could I forget he was gone, Boo?

No game of fetch will bring Scratch back from death.

I know he is gone, Boo, but... perhaps this is a way of keeping him alive, no?

I miss him, Boo.

Minthara

Everyone assumes I killed the dog. I liked the dog. (devnote: talking to herself. Comic edge to this.)

Scratch reminded me of my first displacer beast. A noble creature.

Withers! Be a good skeleton and fetch that ball. (devnote: joking—doesn't actually expect Withers to fetch the ball she just threw)

Gah. I miss the damn dog. (devnote: surprised by her own feelings)

#cw: pet death #cw: animal death #baldur's gate 3 #astarion #gale dekarios #karlach #lae'zel #shadowheart #wyll ravengard #halsin #jaheira #minsc #minthara #shadowheart's are so damn sad dude 😭 she also has unique dialogue with scratch when he's alive #Bg3 scratch #bg3 voicelines

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justporo · 6 months

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Who's the goose... (1)

Finally having arrived in Baldur's Gate, Astarion finds the wrong pocket to pick - and gets turned into a goose as punishement. Peace was never an option.

PART 2 | MASTERLIST | AO3

Author's Note: This might as well have been the stupidest idea I've ever had but I couldn't get it out of my head, so here we are. Thanks for input and giving me some more stupid ideas for this to my bf, @tatterings, @bearhugsandshrugs and @the-littlest-raindrop and @megschaef98 for already cackling about it (and everyone else on that server for your love and support!); ah also Neil Newbon for coming up with this... The wonderful little doodle is once more done by the lovely @azaani-art!

Pairing: Uhm, Goosetarion(Astarion)/GN!Tav (You)

Rating: Stupid

Warnings: goose? (I'm sorry, I'm really just running with the bit by now...)

Wordcount: 3,7k

~~~

A goose sat in front of you all.

And it looked weirdly humanoid how it sat there: tiny rubbery legs stretched out in front of it and the wings too – as if it didn’t know how to properly move or place them.

The goose’s head turned around on the long neck to look at you and your companions out of its small red button eyes. The feathers on top of its head were a bit ruffled and almost gave it the look of having a flurry of white curls right there.

It lifted its stretched out wings a little. Looked at them one after another and made a small croaking noise as it did so.

That made it shut its beak again and snap its red gaze back to you.

You looked down at the goose in shock. The goose looked at you with what you presumed was shock too.

And then it opened its beak wide and started wailing with loud honks, as loud as its avian lungs would allow.

The party had finally arrived at Baldur’s Gate. And then had quickly realised that none of you had really an idea where to start your investigation. So, you had taken to walk around the Lower City and just casually ask around to find out more about what seemed to be going on in the city – especially with this Lord Enver Gortash and his newly established Steel Watch.

The day had been long and exhausting. You all kind of had forgotten how a day without a battle, killing and mortal peril was spent – just walking around in the city, engaging in inconspicuous small talk and trying not to lose your mind by getting nowhere with it – what could possibly be more dreadful than that?

Morale had already been low since the start. Halsin had very obviously been a bit unsettled by the big, bustling city, no matter how much he had tried to hide it. Jaheira had just stoically taken in the city and what had changed since she had last been there. Lae’zel had basically been gnawing on your ears with her complaints of how stupid your approach of talking to people was. That in turn had made Shadowheart almost want to choke her (again). And Wyll had become awfully silent since you’d entered the city – too much was weighing on his mind. Gale was just sad.

Karlach probably was the only one in quite the happy mood: since it’s been a very long time for her since she’s actually been to Baldur’s Gate she was just amazed by everything she saw. And she promptly called that out. Every. Single. Thing. So really not doing anything to help with the low mood of the group.

You had just tried to make the best out of it although you certainly had had to admit to yourself that the missing success of your day had been weighing on you also. But you had tried to be stubborn about it.

Astarion had walked by your side the whole day, surprisingly diligent on his part. You had felt that he was tense – as could have been expected upon entering the lair of his master again. But he had really tried to support you with your current goals – and you were absolutely thankful for that.

But as the day had grown late you had felt the annoyance rise in him too, just as much as it had within you.

It had already become dark in the city. Lanterns and the pale moonlight now had been the only sources of light. You had known that the group should’ve soon gotten back to the inn to retire for the night – despite having found out nothing today.

But you had wanted to push for one last attempt - unfortunately. And when you had happened upon a rather feisty older fellow, Astarion’s thin-stretched patience had finally snapped.

After you had tried to talk to this guy and he had only kept answering in riddles, you had been about to give up when you had noticed that the vampire beside you had disappeared.

You had feared nothing good from this finding and sure as all Nine Hells you had seen how Astarion had tried to sneak up on this man and pickpocket him.

And this had been, when things had really gone sideways – and then backwards; and down a hill.

With Astarion’s hands still in his robe the man had turned around to the vampire and looked him straight in the eye: “What do you think you’re doing there, young man?” He hadn’t even sounded awfully angry, rather a bit amused.

Astarion had simply blinked at him, absolutely dumbfounded that he had so easily been found out. The guy had watched him for a second longer with a small, suppressed smile playing on his lips and then started to whisper as an ominous purple glow had started to emit from him.

The vampire had hastily tried to scurry back, but it was already too late. An explosion of purple light had blinded you all and made you turn away with groans.

And when you had turned around again, both men standing there had been gone, only a single goose left in their place that had looked dazed and very out of place.

So here you were now: with a vampire turned into a screaming goose.

You really didn’t know if you wanted to laugh or cry – probably both. The wailing from polymorphed Astarion was ringing in your ears. Gods, geese could be really loud, couldn’t they?

You looked around your group of friends in desperate need for help.

Karlach had completely lost it, almost doubled over on the cobblestone street. Even Lae’zel bit her bottom lip in an attempt to not burst out laughing, covering half her face with one of her hands. But most of your other companions just looked as shocked and surprised as you.

Gale had his hand on his chin and was obviously very deep in thought – surely, he was already figuring something out to fix this mess. At least you immediately deeply hoped for it.

For a moment you just stood there. Warm, orange light from some nearby windows was lighting the absurd scene. The goose’s wailing drifted to the background for a few moments as your vision blurred and your gaze wandered miles away.

How exactly had you ended up in this ridiculous situation? Out of everything, how had all the steps you had taken led you to this night where your already traumatised soulmate had been turned into poultry and was now shouting the whole city down? Didn’t you have enough on your godsdamned plate already? Would the damned gods ever give you a break?

Your eyes started to burn and water as you stared into the void. You really couldn’t take much more.

But how many times had you been at this point? Too many already anyways.

So, you did, what you always did: took a deep breath, closed your eyes for a hot second, pressed your fingers to the bridge of your nose and tried to focus your thoughts again.

You’d find a way out of this and if not… Well, you’d find a way to live with Astarion as a goose, for better or for worse.

When you focused again on the scene, you saw how Halsin was slowly approaching the goose that was Astarion and was still honking as if his life depended on it – and maybe it did, who knew? Gale was whispering an incantation and focusing on the goose. The rest was just still standing around with quizzical looks on their faces or casually losing it and losing their last shreds of sanity.

Halsin had almost reached the crying bird, all the while softly mumbling calming words to Astarion. The druid stretched out his arms as if he planned to pick up the still screaming animal.

But just before he could reach it, Astarion saw it coming, stopped his whining and jumped up with fluttering wings. With a quickness that would have been astounding for such an animal, had you not known that it was normally a dexterous rogue, the goose got up from its awkward sitting position and snapped at the fingers of the druid. Halsin immediately recoiled and looked a little hurt.

Astarion was flaring his big white wings now – lifting them up and his long goose neck stretched out, ready to snap again at anyone that tried to touch him. At least he had stopped honking now and was just swaying his head around at all of you standing around him in a loose half circle – ready to fight anyone who would dare touch a single feather on his head.

“Astarion?”, you asked cautiously, fearing that the transmutation hadn’t altered the vampire’s mind as well. The goose immediately turned to you, a small and much more silent honk left its throat. Its wings lowered a little as soon as it heard your voice. “I know this will sound stupid given the situation, but uh, please try to calm down?”, you asked him and made a grimace while you helplessly stretched out your arms to him, bending your knees.

Astarion honked once more in a clearly annoyed tone and let his wings sink fully as if he was letting his shoulders drop in defeat.

“I’m sorry”, you whispered and felt a wave of sadness wash over you. Meanwhile the others had started to get out of their stupor or calmed themselves from their laughter. Everyone stayed clear of the clearly readily violent goose though.

You crouched down fully and stretched out your arms even more towards the animal that kept watching you intently. With no more words or honks, the goose settled down its wings and carefully waddled over to you and your opened arms.

Once Astarion was very close you couldn’t help yourself but go to your knees and reach out both your arms wider for the animal – ready to give it a hug. Astarion slowly stepped into them and you carefully wrapped your arms around the goose as it made a small honk. It sounded pretty sad and helpless and you could suddenly feel tears well up in your eyes.

You held the much smaller animal. The feathers were surprisingly soft and Astarion carefully placed his small goose head on your shoulder with another quiet honk. It was so light you could barely feel it at all resting there.

The mood in the group had suddenly soured watching you take your partner in your arms – no matter the actual ridiculousness of the situation.

You held the goose and petted it softly, until Gale interrupted the awkward silence with an exclamation.

“Aha”, the wizard made and came back out of his trancelike concentration. He looked around in some confusion as everyone watched the tragic scene of you sadly hugging the poor animal that had awkwardly stretched out its wings a little to return the sentiment – it hadn’t really worked well.

“Uhm”, Gale made and then cleared his throat to catch everyone’s attention. The group just looked at him in silence.

“By the gods, what is with the sudden graveyard atmosphere? You all do realise Astarion is not de- I mean…”, he started sassily and interrupted himself when he realised his mistake. And before he could start again, the bird in your arms had started writhing and honking again. Obviously, Astarion had opinions on not getting the same kind of compassion from Gale as from the others now.

He tried to break free from your arms, but you held him easily – he was just… a goose after all. Although, you got whacked in the face by his wings several times. “Astarion!”, you scolded him. “I really don’t think you’re in a position to be feisty right now. And I’m pretty sure he has something to share that will help about the situation you are in. And might I add, the situation you put yourself in on your own!” A bit of anger welled up in you at the vampire and his godsdamned shenanigans that had landed you all in this mess now. Also his audacity to still be sassy about it – not even being turned into a featherball could stop him from that, it seemed.

The goose calmed down, reluctantly. Its beak was still open as it stared at the wizard – probably the equivalent of the vampire baring his teeth at him. You carefully let him go and just sat down backwards on the ground. You could use it right now.

“Now, if we’re not in a poultry house anymore”, Gale continued cheerily and gave the present poultry a death glare. The goose gave a very slight hiss – at least he had retained that capability.

You waved Gale to please go on.

“Alright, it’s – as you might’ve figured already – a transmutation spell. And might I add a mighty one. I really have no idea who that fellow was, but it surely was the wrong pocket to pick, Astarion – or might I say Goosetarion”, the wizard explained in his scholarly manor and wiggled a finger at the goose while grinning – earning himself another hiss. At least someone present seemed intrigued about the whole situation.

Hearing that it was a mighty spell already let your heart sink. But Gale went on and everyone just listened intently: “The good news is though: transmutations spells can’t be held for overly long. So, I’d say we’re back with our sassy humanoid companion in about…” Gale drew out his words as everyone hung on his lips.

“I’d say twenty-four hours at the latest.”

“TWENTY-FOUR HOURS”, came back the answer in unison from almost all the companions – and a mournful honk. Your mouth fell open but honestly you were immediately flooded with relief that you wouldn’t have to spend the rest of your life with a goose – although you would have committed to that.

“Tchk, and what are we going to do with him in the meantime? Walk him around on a leash? We can’t waste any time!”, Lae’zel commented. Karlach started to snicker again, and so did Shadowheart and Wyll around her.

Goosetarion small red eyes flashed viciously and he quickly lashed out at her like he had at Halsin before, aiming for the githyanki ankle. But Lae’zel had the upper hand and quickly pushed him away with her foot – not exactly kicking him but not exactly being gentle either.

The goose landed ungracefully on its back, legs flailing in the air while it kept complaining and trying to get up again.

“Lae’zel”, you shouted but she simply shrugged at you.

“Well, what else are we going to do? Tomorrow will just be another day of walking around the city trying to gather more information. What harm can it be then? Also, it’s not like we could just leave him here anywhere anyway. Beastly as he is, but he’s still only a goose now, we need to protect him”, Wyll chimed in sympathetically. You nodded your head in agreement and the others muttered their agreement, although some just a tad reluctantly.

Goosetarion in the meanwhile had waddled back over to you to be embraced again, head hanging slightly, doing his best to look like… well, a kicked goose.

You softly stroked his long feathery neck and noticed to your amusement that his rump started to wiggle when you did that. It surely seemed he wasn’t aware that he was doing that. You couldn’t hide a grin and you saw that Halsin grinned at you and the goose too.

“Can we just go back to the inn then? It’s already super late and my feet hurt”, Shadowheart added after it had been settled. Everyone hummed in exhausted agreement.

And so you went on your way. You softly got up from your seat on the cobble road while the goose complained about the lack of caressing happening. You stretched your back and watched after your friends that had already started to walk back towards your location for the night.

“Want me to carry you?”, you asked looking down at the goose and stretched out your arms again. But Goosetarion gave a curt honk and stretched his long neck away from you in an offended manner, then started to waddle after the others.

Now that you knew that he would hopefully be back to his normal humanoid self very soon, the humorous nature of the situation wasn’t as lost on you anymore. The way the goose wiggled its whole torso around while trying to catch up with the others was a sight to behold. Especially if you compared it with Astarion’s usual feline grace. And yet he was way too proud to just accept help.

You snorted and started to follow behind Goosetarion. He heard that and swung his head around while he kept walking, making him look even more ridiculous. You snorted more. And were pretty sure you could see the small red eyes scream bloody murder at you for mocking him.

But Astarion was way too focused and needed all his energy to keep up. Occasionally, he even had to break into a sprint – almost tripping over his rubbery feet and spreading out his wings to not lose balance. It was truly hilarious.

Some idle chatter developed between the companions and you on the way back. And of course, Goosetarion was the subject matter.

“Is there nothing you can do before the spell runs out?”, you asked Gale at some point while you were careful to walk exactly by the goose to offer at least a little protection.

“Oh, believe me, I would if I could – although I have to say I’m enjoying this situation a little bit-“ (“HONK!”) “ but it is, as I pointed out before, a pretty powerful spell. And if I started to fumble with it I might make it worse and-“ (“Honk…”) “- and I guess you’d rather have him back in one piece”, Gale ended and ignored the bickering animal between him and you. You nodded in agreement with the wizard – seemed your safest bet would be to just sit this one out.

“Looks like until tomorrow you’re just going to be a silly little goose then, aren’t you, Asta-OWW!” That had been a line crossed for Goosetarion. And other than Halsin and Lae’zel, the wizard surely was not quick enough to avoid the rogue goose’s vicious attack on his ankles. Gale awkwardly tried to kick at the goose but Goosetarion had learnt from the last time and quickly ducked out of the way, rushing around you so he could hide behind your legs.

“You had that one coming”, you mumbled under your breath as Gale looked at you hurt. He walked a little faster then, trying to steer clear from the murderous bird and engaged others in conversation. Goosetarion waddled through your legs so he was walking in front of you again although you noticed that he was clearly starting to struggle

“And couldn’t you not just at least cast “Speak with animals” or something?”, Karlach took up the conversation about Goosetarion’s fate. You hadn’t even thought of that so far. You had just been too occupied with the situation as a whole. You simply shrugged because you had absolutely no idea.

“But he is not an animal”, Jaheira replied to Karlach’s suggestion in her matter-of-fact demeanor from in front of you. Halsin beside her nodded silently. “He is still his vampiric elven self, just temporarily in another form. Even if Halsin or I wildshaped into geese we would not be able to speak with him because we are at least partly beast when we turn”, the infamous druid added to her explanation. “As far as I know there is no spell to work in this situation. But quite frankly maybe we could all do without his yapping for at least a day and he learns a lesson about all of this”, she finished and gave the goose a stern look.

Goosetarion stopped and made another rather sad honk. He really must have been having the worst and most humbling of times.

You stopped just behind the goose: “I’m sure she didn’t mean it.” The look Jaheira gave you made sure though that she absolutely did, but you brushed over it. You held out your arms to the goose again. However, Goosetarion again just waddled off on his own.

But the way to the inn was long and the goose was soon almost completely exhausted, probably amplified by not being used to moving around like that. At some point, when you had already slid out of all the other conversations and were just deep in your thoughts, you were stopped by another soft honk just below you.

Astarion stood before you and had spread his wings towards you, neck craned up towards you. It again looked weirdly humanoid with the way he moved and behaved. When you didn’t immediately react because you were really just very exhausted and didn’t catch on, the goose started to kind of hop in place and honked again.

“Oh, you want to be picked up! Sorry”, you replied and bent down to awkwardly grab the animal.

After some wriggling around and Astarion’s earnest tries to not writhe around too much in your arms, you were able to lift him up. He was stretching his neck and small feet out and made small noises that made you think that he wasn’t quite very comfortable with what was happening. But he gave his best to cope.

Once you kind of had him settled down on your hip, one arm around him and one under him to support him, he seemed to be considerably more comfortable, better even. When you had caught up to the others again and Gale sassily lifted an eyebrow at the goose now being carried around, Astarion made full use of his long neck to peck at the wizard’s sleeve.

Gale squealed again – much to the amusement of the rest of the group and made sure to keep even more distance from the goose. Goosetarion gave a contented honk then and refrained from biting anyone else for the rest of the way.

You were still laughing softly with the others, when the inn came into view. At least you hadn’t lost your humour so far.

(To be continued...)

~~~

Taglist: @spacebarbarianweird @sunfire-ancunin @tragedybunny @dependsonthedream @tallymonster @magazzne @micropoe10 @aoirohi @my-bunny-prince @lumienyx @fayeriess @bloopthebat @dark-star-exe

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elunee · 6 months

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Astarion

Astarion: Oh good, puns. Because clowns aren't enough of a horror already.

Player: You love the spotlight, don't you, Astarion? Here's your big chance. ['Astarion -1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minsc 2', 'Halsin 1']

Astarion: What? No. Don't you dare. This isn't funny.

Clown: Ooof - my heart! The enthusiasm is… too much! Now, up, up - double sharp! Or poor Buddy will think you don't like him. Right there - perfect!

Player: Go on, Astarion! ['Astarion -1', 'Gale 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 2', 'Halsin 1']

Astarion: Of course, what fun! I'm going to fucking kill you.

Gale

Gale: Hmm. Not to my taste, but I'll take a clown over some hack magician pulling peonies from his breeches.

Player: Gale, you're good at tricks, right? Up you go. ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Gale: Truly? I might as well go mount the gallows.

Player: Go on, Gale! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale -1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Gale: You truly are testing the patience of a man who could level a city if he wished, you know.

Shadowheart

Shadowheart: Gods, I hate clowns. I'm not even sure clowns like clowns.

Player: I think my friend Shadowheart will make a far better assistant.['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 2', 'Shadowheart -1', 'Gale 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Shadowheart: Are you quite sure you have a friend called Shadowheart? Not an enemy?

Player: Go on, Shadowheart! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 2', 'Shadowheart -1', 'Gale 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Shadowheart: I'd advise you find someone to taste your food from now on.

Karlach

Karlach: Oof. No. Sorry Dribbles.

Player: Go on, Karlach, up you go. ['Astarion 1', 'Gale 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 2', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Halsin 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Karlach: Hang on now, soldier, I'm not paying for your sins.

Player: Go on, Karlach! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 2', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Karlach: This had better be violent, sexy, or both.

Lae'zel

Lae'zel: Can we not find a more pleasant amusement? Gouging out our own eyeballs, perhaps?

Player: This is your time to shine, Lae'zel - up you go. ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel -1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 2', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Lae'zel: Tsk'va. You can't be serious.

Clown: Ooof - my heart! The enthusiasm is… too much! Now, up, up - double sharp! Or poor Buddy will think you don't like him. Right there - perfect!

Player: Go on, Lae'zel! ['Lae'zel -1', 'Astarion 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 2', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Lae'zel: Chk. And here I thought ceremorphosis was the ultimate torment.

Halsin

Halsin: Why is that daubed fellow being forced before a crowd like so? Is he being punished? Ritualised humiliation?

Player: Lend him a hand, Halsin. ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1']

Halsin: The local customs are... veiled to me. Are you sure this is wise?

Player: Go on, Halsin! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Gale 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Halsin: Very well... Oak Father, shield me in the trials to come.

Wyll

Wyll: Between you and me, I love a good clown - and Dribbles is the best.

Player: I think this is a job for the Blade of Frontiers, don't you, Wyll? ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Karlach 2', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Wyll: I'm no so sure...

Player: Go on, Wyll! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 2', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Wyll: Well - if you insist.

Jaheira

Jaheira: Heh. What? Shut up.

Player: Well, Jaheira? Care to make your debut? ['Lae'zel 1', 'Astarion 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 2', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Jaheira: You think I haven't mounted a stage before? Though be warned, clown - if you mean to throw knives, I will throw them back.

Player: All hail the High Harper! ['Astarion 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Gale 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira -1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Jaheira: You understand the nature of a secret organisation, yes?

Minsc

Minsc: Heh. HEH. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Player: Minsc would be honoured. ['Astarion 2', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Minsc: Honoured is Minsc! But be warned, jester - none may juggle my hamster but me.

Player: Go on, Minsc! ['Astarion 2', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Halsin 1']

Minsc: On closer inspection, Boo, this clown does not much look like the jolly sort...

Minthara

Nightwarden Minthara: Just give the word, and I will kill the clown. We would be praised as heroes.

Player: My good friend Minthara is the funniest person I know. ['Lae'zel 1', 'Astarion 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Minthara -1', 'Halsin 1']

Nightwarden Minthara: Am I indeed? Perhaps I will tell my favourite joke. It is about you, bleeding to death.

Player: Go, Minthara! Tell the one about the man who married a drider! ['Astarion 1', 'Gale 1', 'Shadowheart 1', 'Wyll 1', 'Lae'zel 1', 'Karlach 1', 'Jaheira 1', 'Minthara 1', 'Minsc 1', 'Halsin 1']

Nightwarden Minthara: It was a beautiful webbing.

#baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 circus #astarion #wyll ravengard #gale dekarios #shadowheart #karlach #jaheira #halsin #wyll #lae'zel

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thisaccountisagainstmywill · 24 days

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BG3 Characters Safest Driver Headcanons

I've been thinking about that poll from months ago way too much, so I've pulled this from my drafts. In this essay, I will explain why Boo is the best driver. Astarion: Terrible. Absolutely terrible driver. He is doing his makeup with the visor down, looking at the mirror more than the road. Suspend your disbelief, he's driving in this universe. He can use mirrors. ♥ You have to grab the steering wheel, regularly. Without warning, the man twists around to find his purse in the back seat because he wants a different eyeliner than what he grabbed. You are on aux duty. He hates everything you've picked. 2/10, he lawyered his way into that license Gale: You would think he would be safe, but then you remember that Gale didn't pay attention in boring classes. And how hard could driving really be?? The man knows how to drive perfectly textbook. He also thinks he knows how to do it better than everyone else. He does not adapt well to poor drivers. The roads are full of poor drivers. He is yeling "Zipper!" at the merging traffic. You spend five minutes in the parking lot so he can find just the right song for the trip.

6/10, you will probably not die Halsin: The man drives slow, I'm sorry. He's fuel efficient as you can get with the windows down. He pulls over and stops traffic for ducks crossing the road, no matter what the current road conditions are. He stops to show you the new tree the neighbor got. He is a Yellowstone Park tourist. He wants to show you the world, one traffic-stopping mid-road parking job at a time. There is no music, we are listening to nature today. 4/10, you will be rear-ended with him and not the way most people want Jaheira: I stand by what I said last time: Jaheira reminds me of so many older women I know. She drives like she wants someone to start shit with her. She's so conditioned by having 5 kids fighting in the backseat at all times that every time she's behind the wheel she's having Vietnam-level flashbacks. Her blood is pumping in her ears. There is no road, there is only the red of her vision. She won't start the road rage incident directly, but by god, she will end it. (You tried to ask about music, but the look she gave you when asked killed the question.) 5/10, you make it to your destination intact. But at what cost? Your pants are a different color at the end of the trip than they were at the beginning. Karlach: Karlach is talking with her hands while she drives. She's fiddling with the radio constantly. You've blown four red lights. Three of them were the same red light because she took a wrong turn. She will not use GPS, she's got the vibe of where she's going. She was trying to show you something on her phone at the same time. It cannot wait. It was so good you have to see it right now. The tunes are so loud she hasn't heard the sirens behind her. 4/10, the tunes almost make up for it Lae'zel: You are helping her check her mirror distance before you get in the car. You are buckled in before the car even starts. You are not allowed to touch the light in the car if it is dark out. She was taught that it's illegal to have on at night and she takes that shit seriously. You are on blindspot-watching duty at all times. You're not allowed to have music on the in car, it is a distraction. 7/10, we are efficient, but we are miserable Minsc: Minsc cannot drive. Minsc was meant to drive today, but Minsc got into the wrong seat. We are all relieved. Jaheira trained him wrong on purpose and will kill you if you correct him. 0/10, don't even try. He will survive the accident, you will not. Minthara: Minthara, light of my life. She is gremlin cackling and riding bumpers the whole time. People are pulling off constantly to get away from her. You are white-knuckling in the passenger seat and are too afraid to let go of the bitch-bar. You pray her airbags are up to date because your life has not stopped flashing before your eyes since you got onto the road. We are exclusively listening to The Flight of the Valkyries. 7/10, it is shockingly efficient when no one else is on the road anymore

Shadowheart: I have been in many a 'Shadowhearts' car. The car is more of a problem than she is. She drives the type of car that makes people go, "You live like this?" She drives a manual. She was not trained to drive a manual. Almost every single dash light is on, the ones that aren't had their bulbs die out years ago. We don't know how old that trash is, but it lives here now. She has one of those cassette players that has to hook into your phone to come out the speakers. Good luck finding the right adaptor in the mess. 4/10, girl get your shit together Wyll: Wyll is the best driver, hands down...when he is alone. Like all things in his life, his greatest flaw is being too polite. He turns his whole fucking head to look at you when you talk because that is the polite thing to do. The road is secondary to how important your conversation and companionship are to him. And you can't not talk him! He's asking you genuine questions about your day because he's interested. You get to listen to whatever you want and he's totally down for it even if it's not normally his thing. He'll find something he likes about it. Alone: 100/10, he somehow makes everyone better drivers by just being on the road With you: 5/10, Wyll, please, look at the road. ;_;

Boo: My eyes are closed. It's better this way. We made it there in record time. I don't know how it happened. I don't need to know how it happened. ?/10, it's best if you don't think about it

#bg3 #bg3 shitpost #shitpost headcanons #astarion #gale #bg3 gale #karlach #lae'zel #shadowheart #bg3 shadowheart #wyll #bg3 wyll #halsin #minthara #minsc #minsc and boo #boo #bg3 boo #jaheira

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