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gloomy-goober · 5 years

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Dear Remus,

Logan thinks that I should write to you.

Says it might help me ‘cope’. Whatever that means.

I don’t want to cope.

I don’t want to feel.

They say you are gone. That you are dead somewhere better.

I know they want me to believe it. I know how they watch me as I move out of our room and into the kitchen every so often.

They have given up, but I haven’t. As soon as I can I am running back into the imagination and starting up my search.

The dragon witch is working on a tracking spell. It is taking her longer because I need it to be long ranged. Using our pendants, well mine. I hope you will have yours or this plan is going to be a flop.

Just like most of them are.

I don’t know why I am writing all this down. Or how this will help.

I know that I am not actually sending these to you. If I was then I would be writing about how I am going to punch your face in for having me worried for so long. Or I would be going to where you are instead of sitting on your bed writing in this dumb journal.

Still it is nice to write the words down: I miss you.

Our room is too quiet with only me in here staying up till the ass crack of dawn. There is no one there to lecture me, no one there to wrestle me back to bed, no one there to ask me annoying questions at three am.

Although the lack of dirty laundry stink is an improvement. An improvement I did not think I would hate.

I know you are not reading this, but please come home soon.

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Dear Remus,

It had been six months since you disappeared.

I think everyone else has given up hope of your return. I know that the others did not like you too much, but I thought they were just as hurt as I was when you were in pain. Maybe I was wrong.

I don’t know. I don’t know anything anymore.

It has been three months since they blocked me from entering the imagination again. I thought by now they would have admitted that I was rested enough to return to the search.

I tried to go back in through the main door. Patton caught me and asked where I was going.

When I told him my intentions, he told me that is was not a good time. Led me away to help him in the kitchen.

I am not proud to say I ruined dinner out of spite. I was not hungry anyway.

You would have found it hilarious. The fire on the stove was not extreme but it reminded me a lot of that SpongeBob episode. Where he has to forget about everything that was not about fine dining and breathing.

You would have laughed.

We’d probably be up all night laughing about it.

I miss those kinds of nights. We haven’t had them in a long time.

When you get back, we are going to have a movie marathon. All your favorites.

I am getting a little too sentimental. Glad you are never going to read these.

Hope Logan isn’t reading these. They were his idea.

I need to hide my journal better.

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Dear Remus,

It has been five months since you’ve been gone.

I guess I should do something worthwhile with these letters or entries or whatever this is. If I do allow you to read them then they might as well tell you what has been going on during your absence.

First, Deceit has been sleeping over sometimes. By sometimes I mean a lot. Hardly ever leaves.

I gave him my bed since I have been spending most of my nights in yours. I washed the sheets first though. You really need to stop eating in bed, I think I found a full cookie under your pillow. That is gross, bro. Gross and terrible that you never offered to share.

Anyway, I don’t mind Deceit spending the night. It is comforting to have another person in the room again. Makes our room feel less empty.

He doesn’t snore like you. He doesn’t wake me up or tell me to go to bed when it gets super late either. Actually it is really hard to get him to wake up. I learned to not listen to his promises of five more minutes after the third day.

Can’t trust a snake no matter how much their pleas for more sleeping time resonate with you. How badly you want to crawl under the covers and sleep the day away, you must resist.

Going along with Deceit sleeping over, it now seems Mr. Lyde is just a part of this family. Patton is less tense around him, though it is still taking some time. Virgil is not openly trying to fight him.

It is weird. I wish you could see this. Maybe you could figure out why the shift because I am at a loss.

Speaking of Virgil, he is my second point.

Virgil has been spending the evenings in our room. Just sits on your bed or my bed. Deceit, him, and I usually just do our own things quietly. Sometimes we watch a movie together.

I like the change, but I am also confused by it

Maybe they just don’t trust me to not run off to look for you once more.

They only delay the inevitable. I do not see what could go so poorly with speeding up your return.

Well, that is all I can think of. Going to draw a dick on Deceit’s head while he sleeps in honor of you.

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Dear Remus,

Eight months since you disappeared.

Patton has suggested that I make my own room. It was not an unkind or ill meaning, but I still got defensive. I should not have yelled at him.

Or ran off instead of apologizing.

I’ll summon a puppy tonight. Make sure he knows I did not mean to explode like that.

I can’t say that having my own room would not be interesting. We did try that once in our teen years but that did not last long. Remember? You kept sneaking into my room at night. Really scared me.

Still have no idea how you crawled across the ceiling like that.

Thinking about it right now, though, I don’t think I want to know the answer.

More on the bedroom thing, I can’t leave. If I leave this bedroom, then Deceit will lose his roommate.

Oh! Should probably tell you that we have a new roommate. Don’t think you would mind. You always liked Dee. Saw how much of a dork he was behind all the hissing.

You were right, he is funny.

When you get back, I’ll make us our bunk beds again so Dee can keep my bed.

It’ll be fun. Like a sleep over every day.

We can even invite Virgil!

Or we just all live in one room together. Forever a sleepover!

Okay maybe that would not be a fun idea. Or was a very good idea.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, so my ideas are a little bland. Sorry.

I am going to go apologize to Patton now.

Write to you soon.

************************************************************************************

Remus,

Where are you?

You have been gone almost ten months! A year is about to pass, and you are nowhere.

I expected you to be back by now.

Why do you keep doing this to me, Remus? Why can’t you stay put?

I don’t want you to be gone anymore.

****************************************************************************

Remus,

I went back into the imagination today.

It has been a year since you have been gone. Since I have stepped into that place. I was not supposed to be gone so long, but even after the others stopped trying to make me stay at home, I could not bring myself to go back in there.

The dragon witch was not very happy with me. She had the spell ready for so long and I showed up so late.

I have the pendant back now.

I stood on the cliff face where your old sailor man said he had seen you last. I looked out at the sea.

I wanted to throw it. Throw it out and let the waves take it away. Let this necklace be destroyed in my anger but I didn’t.

I didn’t recite the spell either. Please don’t be mad at me for that but I can’t.

I just can’t.

I know you are alive. I feel that you are alive, but what if…

What if you aren’t?

What if I say this spell and it points to nowhere? What if it is too late to even try it?

I don’t want to think that everyone else’s hopelessness has rubbed off on me but God dammit, Remus, it has been a year.

You should have been back by now.

Why aren’t you back? The only reason you wouldn’t be back is if they are all right.

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Remus,

I am in a new room now.

Deceit has his own room next to Virgil now.

Our room is boarded off. I just couldn’t stay in there any longer.

Virgil let me borrow his white noise machine. It fills the silence. Going to have to get myself one.

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Remus,

Wherever you are, if you are anywhere, I hope you are happy.

Things have gotten better for me. Not to say things are good that you are gone but that I am coping. Just like Logan was hoping would happen by writing these.

I still expect you to just pop up one day. Though the need to look for you around every corner has started to wane.

Thomas is back to work. His fans understood the need to have a vacation thankfully, but I feel guilty for making them wait so long. I have been focused one some amazing works for them, putting all my effort into them.

I do hope they like these new videos.

That is all I hope for, really.

Wish I could get your input on them. Most of your ideas don’t really go with the theme but you at least get me out of Disney safe territory.

I don’t know if I am going to continue writing to you. I don’t know if it really matters now. You won’t ever read these and even if you somehow did come back, I would never let you read them.

There is too much honest emotion. It’s gross.

I’d rather give you a letter that says ‘f--- you’ for leaving. Something that wouldn’t be all weird.

But, at the same time, if I stop writing in this letter/journal thing I feel like I am closing the door to you. That once I let these letters go and move on it will all become more real then it feels.

That you really will be gone.

I don’t want you to be gone. I don’t want to be the only creativity.

We both tried to pretend like we were the only true form of Thomas’ creative endeavors but we both knew it was not true. We were once one.

How am I supposed to do this job without literally the other half of my job?

If you are gone does that mean I won that stupid best creativity contest we were holding? Cause this is the worst way to win it.

But if this is the way it happens, then so be it. I will do my best to be the creativity that Thomas needs.

For you. For Thomas. And for myself.

Goodbye.

Your brother, Roman.

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