I notice everything,I notice how you look at me... I notice even the slightest changes on your face and tone of voice... I notice them and I know what they all mean. ....

Don't say that leaving was my choice. Because I stepped out for air, and you locked the door

MyDarkestThoughts

I think an analysis of myself is needed. All my attempts to better myself have been superficial, only trying to combat the obvious. I hardly know myself anymore and reading my fave fics has suggested that I could use Law to help myself; I seem to relate to him a lot. I need some time to understand...

~R

Saturday 13th August 2016

Since last night, I’ve had this sinking feeling that I’m slowly losing my ability to express myself. Maybe it’s partly due to me shutting myself off but sometimes I struggle to show emotions? I don’t sympathise with people as much as I used to (I might even go as far as to say I’ve lost the empathetic ability my younger self had). I’m unable to tell people in real life that I’m not ok, that not everything is in order.

They say “are you alright?”

My inner self is screaming “NO NOTHING IS ALRIGHT I WANT TO DIE” but instead I say “Yeah I’m ok.”

Perhaps I’m scared to burden others or I fear others changing themselves because of me(for better or worse). I don’t want either of those things.

~R

Sunday 31st July 2016

A bunch of my mum’s chinese friends came to the shop today and it just reminded me of how much of a family failure I am ;) People get surprised when they learn I’m chinese but I can’t speak cantonese and it sucks even more when I’m with actual chinese people cos I feel like I’m being made fun of for something I can’t help. My mum doesn’t see her friends very often so I feel sorry that she has such a socially awkward family (my brother doesn’t talk much; my dad doesn’t talk at all; I don’t talk and I hide away from them) but I just can’t help feeling resentment when I see chinese people cos it just reminds me of my shame. I could y’know, learn cantonese and save all the trouble but my mum doesn’t have time and I myself don’t have the energy/time to teach myself (yeah yeah I sound like I’m making excuses shut up). Add this all to my overall depressed mood today and the anxiety I’d had for most of the shift (to the point where my hands were shaking and I was making a load of mistakes) and yeah I’ve really not had a good day today.

~R

Lmao lets have a general update

cos y’know all I ever put on here is depressing stuff and while its good for venting, ppl looking on here don’t see my progress so lmao here we go.

After some research, I’ve come to the conclusion that I have Cyclothymia. Not Depression because they don’t last that long and not Bi-polar disorder because my mood swings aren’t that serious.

With that, I’ve set up a diary to log these mood swings and when I go to uni, I may find someone to give me an official diagnosis.

Things have perked up this holiday and while I wasn’t exactly on my best during NCS, in general I have improved from what I’ve been like during the school year. I’m not feeling spectacular at the moment but I don’t think it’s depression and probably more likely just feeling very physically exhausted (though I’ve not even done a lot today lmao)

~R

Tuesday 26th July 2016

I am intensely paranoid about being abandoned after what happened with my friends at my primary school, with CB, with MM and with my year 9 squad but tbh I’m pretty hypocritical considering I used to be friends with the boys on my street and one day for some reason I can’t remember, I stopped playing out with them. It was all in my free will and everyone including myself is probably wondering what made me do that.

~R

Sunday 5th June 2016

I’m constantly switching between impassiveness, depressed moods and hyper moments and honestly its so frustrating just knowing that I can’t enjoy one happy moment without being punched in the gut by depression a matter or minutes or hours later. I don’t know if it is depression or whether it’s just teenage mood swings but I have been toying with the idea. It could be something else but I don’t know what else would cause this.

~R

Literally though, I hate the holidays so much now because yeah I have loads of free time but I have such low motivation to do anything and since I have very little contact with my friends, I get depressed very easily and I get delusional about things and half the time I'm so empty and like what even is the point in living ~R

Friday 3rd June 2016

*thinks about how well I could be doing in school if I actually put the effort in* Ahhh, how nice depression is. It's so good to have such low motivation and constantly feel like you could drop dead at any moment. ~R

Tuesday 31st May 2016

Things I’ve begun to hate about holidays:

- I have more time to ponder on stuff I don’t want to think of and as a consequence, I have more time to hate myself

- I masturbate too much (not even joking)

~R

Sunday 22nd May 2016

There’s something wrong with me.... I don’t know what it is, which thing is bothering me. I punched my pillow a lot, tried breathing exercises, ripped up a load of paper, listened to music and rocked back and forth but nothing’s calming me down. I tried calling ES and then I realised she’d be revising and I’d be bothering her and i’d just be annoying because haha who am i anyway she doens’t care about me i’m just getting in her way who do i think i am ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

fuck

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~R

Sunday 3rd April 2016

Y’know, I’m honestly considering going mute on my family because it seems like they’re all hell bent on using everything I do or say against me and it’d just be safer not to say anything at all.

Like it’s not even funny anymore, all my problems and emotional angst comes from the ppl closest to me.

My family, like I said above, constantly talks shit about me whether it’s about my fanfics or it’s about something I’ve said or a mistake I’ve made (there’s a reason why I don’t talk to them about my hobbies anymore). Distant family makes me feel shit too cos  can’t speak chinese so I feel like a disgrace everytime I’m near one of them

And then ES oooooooooh shit, I’m having such bad pining for her right now fuck. My experience of what best friends are meant to be like is so patchy because all my best friends have been bitches and ditched me and I don’t think I was ever that close to any of them so I’m in doubt of whether we were really best friends. Even then I’m p sure ppl don’t pine for their best friends.

This kinda feels like the part in a story where the protagonist finally decides to quit making friends and stop hurting themselves because it’s not bullies who hurt me, it’s the people who I hold dear. It hurts too much. I can’t even use the “You’re not on my top 10 list of people I care about so why should I care about your opinion?” because they are.

~R

Not joking I do honestly consider suicide sometimes but I got a bucket list of reasons why I shouldn’t and that’s good because then I’m not throwing my life away. I’ll just list them here because I’m feeling a bit suicidal right now and this will be a good reminder.

- Fear: I’m too scared to take my own life whether that’s slitting my wrists, hanging myself or overdosing with pills.

- Lots and lots of responsibilities e.g. helping my mum at the shop because if I die now, she’s gonna be really understaffed and also my cats because I’m scared that if I’m not around, maybe my parents will get rid of them

- My best friend Eleanor: she’s the best friend I’ve had in a long time and I would be letting her down (even though I’m pretty replaceable and she’s got plenty of friends) because she’s got her fair share of problematic friends (cough cough drugs) and I don’t want to add suicide onto that. Also I’m gonna be wasting all the effort I put into maintaining the relationship

- My favourite series (not gonna name that or my favourite character because otherwise it’ll end up tainting the tags.) I can’t die before the series ends.

- I don’t want to be known as that girl who committed suicide. It’d shame me at school (and maybe my friends) and it’d shame my mum at the shop because all the customers would probably be thinking the problem was her when really the problem’s with me.

- I’m sure that if nobody else does, at least I know my family loves me...right? Also if I die, I’ll have wasted all that hard work my mum put into raising me and earning the money to make sure I can get everything I need.

- I’ve got way too many things to do that I can’t give up. Like the chippy AU, I can’t die till I’ve written that. I’m not gonna die before my worst enemies. I can’t leave my cats, I love them very much and also Millie’s obese so I need to help her lose weight.

And so on and so forth. There’s probably more but I think that’s enough for now.

Wednesday 20th January 2016

I just got some of my mock exam results back and I just got the first D I’ve got in a long while. I got a B overall in French which is sort of ok and I got an A* in Biology which is good. I got an A in Maths which is also good but I can’t help but feel inferior to the people in my set because they’ve all got at least 10 more marks than me if not more.

I hate feeling so inferior to people and I hate being so deprecating ugh. Nothings going right for me and it’s very hard to stay positive when you get repeatedly hit by bad things

Friday 25th December 2015

I seem to have a tendency to be able to tolerate being social for a certain amount of time and once that has been used up, I get very tired and depressed and I don’t want to socialise anymore. It’s getting increasingly shorter and my poor dad gets the brunt of it most of the time when I come back from school so tired I can’t muster the tolerance to be civil even when he is annoying. I like having my spare time more and more now and whenever people just walk into my room, I get very anxious especially when they mess around with stuff in my room (I can’t even tolerate them picking up a pen).

It was pretty bad just a few minutes ago when my sister came in and I just couldn’t tolerate her presence and I was so anxious I didn’t even care she was threatening to never come back to the house, I just wanted her to get out and now I feel so awful.

I wanna cry so much at the moment.

~R