I was feeling less itch and had less rashes and less boils all over my body but then February came I it started again.... this time was the worst so far, it started with a rash on my right hand that wont go away even with applying of topical corticosteroids and slowly the affected area became bigger and the itch more severe, then my arms and legs started to have itch, rashes, boils again and the worst part, that happen for the first time in my more than a year of this skin problem, the itch and rashes and boils also affecting my whole hands and feet, it was so severe that the littlest help I could give in this house, I could not do them anymore, I could not do anything at all. i could not think of anything at all.

All I could think about it scratching my whole body to ease have pain and itch that I feel

I could not even dwell on my depression/sadness because I was in too much pain from the rashes, itch, the bleeding of my skin.... it was just too much... i finally admitted that I need help.

I am now 3 weeks into medications, plus cream, lotion, ointment, in the process of healing my body,on healing my skin

Having skin problem, the excruciating itch, now affecting even my hands and feet.... i am in the most discomfort and itch and pain comparing from the time this ordeal started, a whole year and more, now is the most difficult and most discomforting....

Is this how i am going live the rest of my life?.... I cannot even eat dood that I like, food that somehow gives comfort.... i cannot even function like before, I cannot take care of my nieces because and the constant itching with some pain... cannot even be of help in doing household chores which I was willingly doing before ....

Its been 1 year 3 months of this excruciating ordeal and I cried for the first time.... i know I never like myself, never liked this life, never liked my body but this is how I look now, is this how I am going to live for the remaining of my life.....

i do not want people to remember me.... I wish people would never remember me....

I only feel ashame and envious of other people, people that became classmates and some I considered friends....

I wish they pretend I never existed...

maybe the pain and burden is too much already, maybe he was tired already, maybe he had no energy anymore/ nothing to left to try and fight his demons... maybe its too much already to even think of anyone, even your parent, even your loved ones... you dont blame them...

they fought for too long, they were just too tired already ... they just needed to rest...

Not a single person to tell how I truly feels... Knowing that no one will ever know the extent of pain and sadness and brokenness you actually have your whole life

I was never okay being here... I was never happy being HERE.

i am not doing these things because its satisfying, these things that are so nonsense and useless to you, I am doing them just to be able to stay sane and to be able to endure each day that I reluctantly have to finish ....

i used to pray... And whoever heard me granted those wishes....

Both my parents are still with us, my younger siblings are doing well, doing better than me, my older brothers has lots of friends and doing great and has a way better mindset than me, and my older sister even with her situation has true friends that understand her and her situation and never questions or judged her....

I actually has the most terrible personality among us, and have the least motivation in being alive and the least drive to actually survive this world.... I am the most sensitive and at times the most emotional... I am in the most terrible state among us siblings.... I am just pretending to be okay being useless and worthless....

I know you dont like me being here... I, too, never liked being here, being so useless and being totally dependent to you all....

I am tired but I am too coward to escape this world....

I beg you to let me stay like this until I can finally leave...

I dont need to achieve anything... i just need everything to end...

Forgetting about me is more comforting than remembering me and being disappointed and having a changed view of me, seeing me so little and worthless because I did not achieve anything, because I dont have what you have... How little do you think of me when I said, " yaya ng mga pamangkin ko."

Leaving no legacy, leaving no trace that I ever existed

Always talking about how smart and pretty and how kind and respectful they are....

Always praising other peoples kids....

Constantly comparing us to other kids....

I started to hate them so much though I dont personally know them, they are relatives(their grandfather was half brother of my great grandmother) plus our mothers are best friends

We are being constantly compared to them especially me because I am the same age to one of them three sisters

Fuck they were born and grew up in a happy and safe home environment

i dont need nor want to achieve anything big... I dont even need to be super happy...

I just need a little comfort and relief while I still dont have the courage to leave earth

its lovely to imagine that there are parallel worlds and maybe in one of those parallel worlds, I am genuinely happy....

I wonder did anyone of them remember me? Did anyone of them knew how much I cared for them? Did I ever bring them comfort and encouragements? Did I make their high school/college life a little less lonely? Did they ever think of me and the little things I did to be a nice and decent friend/classmate/person to them while everybody else are ignoring/using/making fun of them?

I want to know, I need to hear it ....

To know that I did something good in my purposeless life....

I still ask myself, "Why they did not happen for me while everybody else are having/doing them?" ....

Few of I even worried about and supported even in my own little ways when we were young because I thought they were even shier than me and I thought they needed a friend that listen and encourages.... Now I look at their socmedias and see that they are doing great in life and careers while I am not able to keep up with the world or anything at all

I never regret being a friend, a supportive classmate, being that one person that listen, that one person that wanted to include you to the group, that one person that never laughed when others teased you with your mistakes....

I am envious...but I will always be proud and will always cheer for you all.