#my whole life's been like this I'm so tired
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Loving your fics, was wondering if you could write a Lucy/reader fic where Lucy and reader are traveling together and get stuck in a thunderstorm? And Lucy obviously knows the science behind it, but the vault didn't have thunderstorms, and she's terrified of the thunder? And reader comforts her? And the two cuddle maybe?
stormy night ( lucy maclean )
summary: you were used to the unpredictable weather of the surface, lucy, however, wasn't, and seemed to carry a terrible fear for thunder. luckily, you were used to the big storms in the wasteland so she wouldn't have to be afraid for much longer.
contents: usual fallout shenanigans, pure fluff, reader is a sweetheart, thunderstorms, lightning, slight mentions of violence, mild language, set after season one of fallout, the ghoul being a hater, one bed trope, kissing, friends to lovers, the reader and lucy being cuties, ect...
The place you were held up in for tonight was a shit hole, but it would have to do for now, you may not trust him or like him but the ghoul you were travelling with said that it would be harder to travel in a storm and so you all agreed to get some form of rest until it passed.
Which led you all to this cramped house that was barely standing, but it was the only one with a roof and so you'd all headed inside, the dog following the ghoul loyally with a whine, fearful it would be left behind again. Lucy was a little excited, for she had never experienced a real storm, only learned about them through books or documentary films she watched with her dad. It was when the thunder finally arrived that her excitement had faded and she was lying next to you flinching with each rumble that growled from the dark clouds above. It didn't take a genius to see that the thunder scared her, the flashes of lightning, you had grown used to the wasteland weather to never have developed a fear of the storms. The ghoul didn't seem to care about the weather, lying on the other bed with four or dogmeat as you'd heard him call the dog, his hat was over his head but you could tell he wasn't sleeping, you don't think he ever did.
Lucy was where your worries pointed, she was turned on her side, facing away from you, slightly shaking, you were aware the weather was what frightened her, she denied it to appear stronger and tougher than she was but it was a valid fear, especially for someone who had lived beneath the surface all her life, you had your own fears and even if storms weren't one of them, you could at least try to keep her attention elsewhere, distract her from the rumble and flashes from the sky.
"I'm scared shitless of yao guai's." You admit quietly, your voice a mere whisper compared to the rain outside, but it was loud enough that Lucy heard you and turned to face you, both of you lying on your side to face one another, a tired yet curious look crossed her features, "What's a yao guai?" She asked and you smiled slightly at her, although she had been on the surface for a while, she hadn't seen a whole lot of it yet. "It's this mutated bear, could rip you to shreds in seconds, real fucking scary, I'm being honest, if I ever came face to face with one, I wouldn't be wasting a bullet on it, I'd be saving it for myself." Lucy winced when she realised you were being serious, "Wow, that's dark." A quiet laugh made its way up your throat and she smiled a little at the sight until another flash lit up the room and an angry rumble of thunder followed, causing Lucy to flinch, gripping your hand for comfort.
You gave her hand a squeeze of comfort and listened to a patter of raindrops hitting the dirty window and then you met her worried gaze, "Hey, it's alright." You assured her, a small smile as you held her hand, "It's just thunder." A nod came from Lucy as she repeated the words back, "It's just thunder..." Another rumble and she gripped your hand as if it were a lifeline, instantly apologising when she saw an uncomfortable wince.
"When I was little my mom taught me a trick when it was stormy outside." You begin and Lucy keeps her attention focused on you with curious eyes, "She told me that you can track how far away a storm is if you count how long the number of seconds is between the flash of lightning and the sound of the thunder." Lucy smiled at this, "And then divide it by five and you can tell how far or close it's getting, do you wanna try and do that?" The vault dweller nods instantly, "As long as you count with me." You give a reassuring squeeze to her hand, "I'd be honoured, Lucy." You told her and then fell silent, waiting for the next flash of lightning to occur.
The small room lit up, the crackle of lightning giving you the go ahead to start counting, both you and Lucy count the seconds quietly and then a rumble interrupts at a five second count and you do the math in your head unsurely before meeting Lucy's gaze, but she was already uttering a confident answer out to you quietly, "It's one mile away, that's good isn't it, it felt like it was right above us a while ago." You nod, realising that she'd become distracted by the math calculations in her head, but it was better than her being constantly fearful of the storm.
Another flash and you count quietly, noticing how Lucy has shuffled closer to you, but you didn't say anything, a rumble of thunder stopped your counting and you meet her soft gaze, "That was ten seconds this time..." You tell her, "Two miles away -" Your answer was cut off by Lucy leaning over to you and pressing her lips to your own, at first you had been caught off guard, but soon joined her in closing your eyes, bringing a hand to her face to brush the hair out the way of your hold, another flash lit up the room but it didn't frighten Lucy this time as she began to break away from you with a smile as the sky rumbled on and she spoke quietly, "Twenty five." You nod and count in your head before replying to her, "Five miles."
You both laugh when another flash lights up the room, a cheerful Lucy giving your hand a squeeze before she met your lips once more and you follow her movements, she's gentle and sweet and all the things you thought that you didn't deserve and as she broke away once more, you are left staring at her with starry eyes.
"Hey, Thelma and Louise, mind shutting up and going the fuck to sleep?" The drawled yet tired voice of the ghoul is suddenly the loudest thing both of you had heard, even if he was quiet while speaking, it startled both of you when you remembered he was also present. "There's far worse things out here than a little thunder, vaultie." He stated, a wave of annoyance in his tone that made you glare over in his directions, "Worse things? What, like you?" You fire back at him and he merely sighs from under his hat, but didn't argue for once, mumbling words to the dog about how he was way too old for this bullshit.
When you turn back to face Lucy, her eyes are shut, her chest rising and falling as she slept peacefully beside you, her hand still holding your own. You smile at her and pull the rough makeshift blanket over her shoulder before you shuffle beside her, wrapping an arm around her that she's quick to lean into in her sleep and so you close your eyes, drifting off to the sound of the rain.
And the thunder, the thunder had stopped.
#fallout#fallout tv show#fallout tv series#lucy maclean x reader#lucy maclean#lucy maclean x y/n#lucy maclean fanfic#cooper howard#the ghoul
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Sneaking back iiiin~☆ After a period of being away o/
D-Lister Otome Powers POG? I think SO! CONSIDER:
Tim, out on patrol, things have been... tense. He's gotten Bruce back from the timeline, but it hasn't FIXED anything. Things were said. He spiraled. Trust was betrayed. He doesn't... he doesn't feel like he HAS a home anymore.
Dick feels betrayed and worried TOO. He needed Tim's support. Instead he broke down, went rouge, and nearly DIED. Didn't explain ANYTHING. Now he's drifting away from the family.
Bruce is barely recovered. His family is in pieces around him and he's pretty sure it's his fault.
So... Patrol is... Professional. Tense. Like it has been for days.
Red Robin is checking out some minor disturbance. Discovers clues that it's some INCREDIBLY naive or foolish out-of-towner who thinks they can "make a name for themselves" in America's crime capital. Idiot is going to get himself killed.
But why target a minor gaming company?
No matter, RR can handle it. He's tired, patrols nearly over. Should be quick.
The days after weeks of hurt and hypertense emotions have left him exhausted. Making mistakes he would normally NEVER make. Like going after an unknown alone. No matter how small they SEEM.
You could always be wrong.
And that KILLS.
Batman trained him better then that. Bruce, catches his plan, too late. Is blocks away. Can hear, through Tim's comms, the most terrifying sort of confidence in that opponents voice. Not fool hardy overconfidence. Not arrogance. But "I have a nasty trick that I KNOW you can't counter". Tim. Tim, get out of there! TIM!
Red Robin does not respond.
And Tim? Wakes up with a splitting headache. Too... honestly? What looks A LOT frilly, hyper feminine version of one of Drake Manor's guest rooms. But with "personal touches" added to make it LOOK like someone supposedly lives here. Too generic though. And too artfully placed. It looks like a movie set.
Where the fuck is h-*DING!*
Then a blue screen like some of the holographic screens he's seen before, pops up. "Welcome to ☆~Knights In Gotham~☆! Complete the game or be trapped forever~♡!" It reads in cutesy font.
Well that ONE way to get him out of bed. But unfortunately, it takes less then 15 minutes to confirm that he is, indeed, not in his native reality. MIGHT be drugged or hypnotized. He'll have to test. But the whole new reproductive set, suggest otherwise.
So he pokes around. Speed runs his emotional "I'm trapped, might never see my family again. No. No! I WILL escape!" Character arc/mental breakdown in the shower. Finds some pants.
Figures out what sort of game this is. It's an Otome game. Dating. Based on? His FAMILY. Fffffuck his life.
Okay, should be TOO bad right? People never get their personalities right in fan stuff. Thanks to the Bats being Cryptids. So Tim can just pretend they're other people, right?
Wrong.
The game world he quickly realizes, is using HIS knowledge to fill in the blanks of the massively unfinished framework. This assholes Meta powers? Can only trap him IN here. He's not in control of it. NO ONE IS. Oh, that's so much worse.
Outside? Bruce has BatDad'd panic beat downed the Otome Meta. Where is his BABY BOY!? He can't answer you unconscious, Bruce. Thankfully, Dick is observant. There us a computer on. With Tim on it. He puts two and two together. They are able to keep the power on and transfer the computer to the cave.
Meanwhile? Tim is staring down a Bruce in FULL Brucie Mask. Debating with himself. Because on ONE hand? Childhood wet dreams: Get? But on the OTHER, baggage for daaaaays. And there us no guarantee this isn't a PG title. So like? Bruce would DEFINITELY be the hardest Route, wouldn't he?
He has no idea what he's doing.
He doesn't PLAY these type of games.
He figures, since demon child DOESNT have a reason to hate him here? Probably the safest bet. Especially since he won't feel as bad manipulating a version of him. It should be fine right?
Wrong. He doesn't play these sort of games. Is unaware of how they work and what's at stake. He bungles it. Doesn't play to the troupes, gets his first Bad End. He knew just a touch TOO much, too soon, too openly. Damian's character became convinced he was either a Rouge or an Assassin. But! He got all those "heart event" thingies! Tim mentally protests!
Which is why it doesn't just cut to black, a sudden attack from behind, "Game Over".
No, Tim wakes up behind bars. In a bunker. Nicer then a prison cell, but only just. Because Damian LOVES him. But can not allow him to continue his criminal ways. So he's going to rehabilitate him. By force if necessary. And he knows, because he is not a fool, that Tim does not truely love him. But?
He can fix that too.
They have time.
Outside? Actual Damian is horrified. His feelings towards Drake are... complexe. But this?! Absolutely not! He lunges forward. Dick is trying desperately to hit the Restart. It's not working. Damian hits it HARDER. It works immediately. (They later realize only the "Route" target can restart the game)
Tim wakes up in the starting room.
This time he fuckin LOOKS UP Otome Games on a computer.
Takes a bracing shot of whiskey, because this IS Drake Manor and he knows where his parents hid the good stuff, and tries again. Gets the Neutral End. Fuck! Okay, tries AGAIN. Gets shot, Game Over. Oh god damn it!
He keeps going.
Nothing seems to be WORKING. He's getting stressed. Lonely, desperate, hopelessness trying to set in. He just... just wants to feel WARM you know? Reassured. Held. Knows he's not thinking clearly, but...
So he goes after "Brucie". He KNOWS Bruce. Knows how he picks his one night stands. Knows how to dress up just enough, just OFF enough, to not be suspicious. It's a bad idea. He knows it as he gets dressed. As he arrives. Flirts. Charms and drinks, but not too much. Let's himself be tucked under Bruce's arm. Led away.
Kon always said he was great with his mouth. From the way "Brucie" tenses, like iron under the sild of his suit, holding himself back from grabbing and being rougher then his reputation would allow? He'd say Bruce agrees. Tim certainly puts his all into it. Let's himself lose himself to the rhythm of movement. The scent of Bruce's cologne. The slide over his tounge.
Stolen moments though, aren't enough to get to everything Bruce wants.
The party ends too soon. And Tim leaves with the other guests.
Only to find himself FIRMLY in Bruce's route. The man showing up everywhere. Stealing kisses. Hands disappearing under clothes. Bruce, as he tends too, obsessed. In love. Overwhelming. Tim finally, FINALLY get a Good End.
He also gets fucked, in his bed, within an inch of incoherence, by Batman.
Yet the Game does not release him. Because it did not say "complete A Route" the realse conditions were Complete the GAME. So now Tim has to "win" the others.
All while they watch.
Because THEY are the only ones who can start a new route. Bruce absolutely could have hit that restart once the Good End popped up. Yet... he let the scene play out. Sat, alone, having sent the others to bed... and watched his son get fucked by a version of himself. Watched his son gasp and whimper, cry out and sob, in pleasure.
They each get to watch. As Tim bonds with "them". Spends time with "them".
Eventually, Tim manages the secret Harem Ending. Stumbles free into the waiting arms of his family. They rejoince. But the question remains~! What will they do know? After so long, thinking darkly that they could "do better"? That TIM deserved better then the touch of imposters? That is the question we ask! As I run out of steam and need to sleep! Thoughts?
-🐼🐼🐼
tim's family watching as he works through all their "routes" 👀👀👀👀
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Invades your inbox
Hihihihi!!! I wanna ask, what are some songs that remind you of J+H :33??? ((/nf))
HELLO!! :33 THANK YOU FOR THIS ASK! THERE ARE SO MANY KVKSKVKSLC
OKAY, SO! First of all, *casually drops my J&H inspired playlist* all the songs I mention are on here, (WHICH ARE ALL SONGS THAT REMIND ME OF JEKYLL AND HYDE (all songs I've been recently obsessed with, someday ill go back in my liked songs lmao) AND SOME REASONS FOR SONGS ARE SUPER SPECIFIC, PLZ DON'T BULLY ME PEOPLE 🙏) so if you mayhaps wanna listen to any of the mentioned songs, they're there :3
BUT, ONTO THE SONGS AND REASONS!
Of course there's all the Will Wood songs from this list I did forever ago, but there are some other Will Wood songs I didn't put on there, like -Ish (which reminds me of Jekyll) and Cicada Days (which is literally University Lanyon and Jekyll)
Onto the various artists!
Pray To God For Your Mother by Dance Gavin Dance- BIG Jekyll song to me. "Dependent on the medicine to keep my colors vivid", " part of me wants to believe that I will not come apart at the seams, that I will learn from the cut when I bleed", "blame it all on the lamest dude, blame it all on the payments due", " didn't think id have to answer for the lies I told myself, at least not so soon" I MEAN CMON
Lights Out by Mindless Self Indulgence- for Hyde, the little adrenaline junkie.
Mr. Doctor Man by Palaye Royale- Jekyll energy, ofc. "Mr doctor man questions his hands, lost his mind, clinically fine, but he found a way to cope, needle in his throat"
Necromancin Dancin by Bear Ghost- Hyde, but instead of it being, ya know, the dead, it's him unleashing the nightmares on Jekyll. "Now we've found it, I'm astounded, every town will be surrounded by a throng of marchin' death, delicious the riches that glisten ahead!" Plus all the dancing references work bc he unleashed them at that party :3
Ghost Town -Revisited- by Trickle- Jekyll, once more. "So sick of this city's disguise, it glowing on the surface but it's drowning in lies", "Is there a reason that I'm wanting to hide when I look into the mirror just to see empty eyes?", "ghost that tried living a tired life, I'm haunted by the memories I buried inside"
Evelyn Evelyn by Evelyn Evelyn- Jekyll and Hyde, another one where basically all the lyrics are spot on lmao, but I will say I see the feminine voice as Jekyll and the Masculine one as Hyde :3
Turn The Lights Off by Tally Hall- Jekyll and Hyde
There's also a lot of Chonny Jash ones! Obviously The Ballad of Dr Jekyll and The Mr Hyde Jive, but also:
A Devil's Tricks- this one is literally just Jekyll and Hyde, idek what else to say lmao. Like, this dude sitting in lowkey self loathing while his mind tells him bad things? Not to mention the accuracy of the lyrics in general. Id list them, but then id just be pasting the whole song 💀
End the Dance- Lanyon and Rachel being the ones caring, and then switches to Jekyll. Once again don't really know what lyrics to throw in lmao
Banana Man- Jekyll and Hyde, with the whole banana thing being Jekyll becoming Hyde. "Forget all your morals and go with the flow, forget about the bad the good is all you know, and forget about the voice that's lying deep inside, the one that's screaming and screeching proclaiming wrong from right" "tomorrow morning on the plane, no banana makes you go insane. Floating back to busy town, no banana makes you want to frown"
Don't Take It Personally- EOUGHKEKOGKD another angsty Jekyll and Lanyon song.. "You can surrender your heart, but it won't be enough, don't take it personally I'm afraid of love" "if the drugs aren't in my system, then what the hell has blurred my vision?" "My wrist and my heart where you kissed pulled apart" "so just keep playing your part, and ill keep calling your bluff, don't take it personally when push comes to shove"
Push- Jekyll, ofc pushing all his friends away. "I see you trying to slowly turn your back on them, the shadow of who you were when back when you felt condemned"
I also have a bunch of other CCCC songs but idk how to explain why my mind thinks they fit, so I'm just gonna list them and idk, some might get brief explanations
Ruler of Everything- Jekyll trying to stop Hyde from going out, then Hyde literally ruining his life.
Dream (Outro to Calamity)- kinda specific to my little "Whole Jekyll" AU (as most of these are to some slight degree)
The Mind Electric- Hyde
Be Born- also Hyde
Light- Jekyll and Hyde
Good Day- Jekyll
Just Apathy- Jekyll, with Hyde as mind
Two Wuv- Jekyll
Greener- once again, Jekyll
Mucka Blucka- Jekyll and Hyde, (and my "Whole" Jekyll)
We're gonna Win- Jekyll and Hyde (except eventually getting along)
There's some on my playlist ik I didn't mention, but I think this should be good for now, LMAO, AGAIN THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE ASK GJSKKVKD ILY GUYS 🗣️🗣️🗣️
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sigh
#I'm sooo tired of struggling with food man#I honestly don't remember a time in my 28 years of life in which I didn't have to worry about eating#and when I finally think I've overcome this#that I don't have a problem with this anymore#that I can eat like a normal person#then I start worrying that I'm eating too much junk#that I need to stop eating this and that and eat more of this and that#and cut down on the chocolate and on chips#and then suddenly I realize that I'm starving myself AGAIN#why is this a constant struggle throughout my life???#why do I gotta feel like I need to stop eating right when I managed to get back to eating????#my whole life's been like this I'm so tired#I just want to not have to constantly think about food#I wonder how much space I could free from my brain if I didn't have to think about eating or not eating all the timr#oh shut up heidi#there are worse things#I'm just a bit sensitive these days#feeling like my body is not my own#too frail too weak#but my trousers are too tight around the waist and goddamn this shouldn't matter
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#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#I don't think I mentioned at the time because it was in the middle of kirb2k#but I had an appointment with a hematologist last week#they confirmed the culprit behind my chronic illness is definitely my mast cells#but I need to get a bone marrow biopsy next month to find out#if it's actually not-technically-autoimmune (mcas)#or if it's actually not-technically-cancer (mastocytosis)#which is actually good news cuz 1 someone finally confirmed my nearly 6 year old hypothesis instead of just agreeing (or disagreeing)#and 2 if it *is* mastocytosis they're gonna start medicating me A Lot more aggressively :)#which I need! I've been sick for right about 8 years now but it's gotten rapidly worse in the past 1-1.5 years#so clearly I'm badly under-medicated#(since I've been on all the same meds for 2 years except for my own emergency intervention.)#(I mean technically I've been chronically ill my whole life it just wasn't disabling until early 2016)#anyway I'm so tired I feel like a ragdoll half the time! sure hope I get adequate medication in a couple months!
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I have literally consistently felt like I'm going insane since late June
#like may and june were cool. that was all fun and fine and dandy#now I just feel like I can't talk to ANYONE about my feelings or else I'm Stupid#like there's two people I'd go to about this stuff and if I talk to them about it I feel so so silly and foolish#I am so tired.#I just want crap to get a move on so my life can go on. this whole waiting around for the big family vacation thing#is literally driving me insane. it's like that's been my whole summer is just. Anticipating this trip#I literally just want to get it all over with and get over it#why am I just stuck here WAITING.#I want to go somewhere again. I haven't really gone anywhere outside of the town I live in very much this summer#I'm going stir crazy and I'd just like to move the heck along#Lu rambles
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Hi this is a vent post! Continue scrolling if you'd rather not see that
#Giving time...#Still more time...#Wouldn't want to plague any previews#Maybe another filler. Just for some fun#Is this enough?#It certainly is now#Alright start:#I'm so bored. I am so incredibly; intrinsically; entirely bored. I have been taught the same thing for four years straight#'It's only four years!' that's literally a quarter of my lifetime right there. My formative years are being spent stressed and in a state /#/of constant self-loathing#I was watching a YT video and the phrase 'attention-starved STEM major' came up and I was like. Yea#What am I even working towards? The hope that my version of capitalist hell isn't as bad as everyone else's? I'm just so sick of not /#/having a stable future what with politics and normal working people becoming more and more oppressed#I don't want to work and that's not because I'm lazy. It's because my brain is recognising that there is no reward anymore#I used to have such a little spark in Yr7. I remember having things to say and wanting to share everything I've done#I still do that now; sure I do. I don't enjoy it though#I thought I liked drawing but I'm realising that all I really like is the attention. I COULD draw things I like drawing... but then I /#/ don't get attention which my mind then classifies as zero reward#I'm very tired of doing things for no credit; reward; or validation. This is becoming a theme#Then I wonder what I'm doing wrong. What part of the algorithm am I not hitting. Then I realise that I'm just not marketable in a way#God. I'm seriously breaking rn. It's not even only because of GCSEs#It's just a culmination of doing all these things to be told that I am unworthy of Having as a result. It doesn't matter if I'm smart; my /#/ parents still don't own their house and can't afford to pay for heating most days#Literally what am I doing this for#And then I realise that all of this is ALSO attention-seeking behaviour! I'm my own worst problem; I recognise exactly what's wrong with /#/ myself but the body wants what it wants. And what it wants is validation that I'm not going to get in this life#Hi guys! Maybe don't interact. That could fix me#Wean me off of needing virtual numbers just to feel something. Jesus#I can't even be happy with the things that I make for myself. Because I make nothing for myself anymore#It's just a whole sad existence of an expected 12hr+ of school every day until I get a job I guess. Then it's 12hr+ of job every day until
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this fandom loveesss to mischaracterize g.ladio... it's like people forget what his whole fucking dlc was about 😭
#ash rambles 💚#Y'ALL... I am SO TIRED of g.ladio being called 'the mean one' or getting a lot of hate#he is essential to the c.hocobro team dynamic!#i understand that The Train Scene wasn't in great taste but i am soooo sorry that g.ladio didnt get the same time to develop as the others?#and the localization fucked him over too#he's just a guy trying his best. literally wtf do people want some from??? he's been training to be a shield to the king for his whole#fucking life! so OF COURSE he's gonna be pissed off and mad when bad things keep happening! he blames himself for it!#like oh boy im so sorry he didnt get stuck in the arctic with nothing but a gun or lose his eyesight putting on a magic ring or getting#stuck in a crystal for ten years to turn into k.eanu fucking r.eeves#he took on the blademaster to prove himself to HIMSELF#im just. GAAAAAHHH#why are people so mean to g.ladio?! I'm so tired of seeing people call him mean or saying that they like all the bros excwpt for him#you cant fucking have the bros without g.ladio!#okay alright rant over thank you i just needed to get that off my chest 🤭#g.ladio babe i am taking you under my wing and shielding you from all that
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.
#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point#i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one#i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit#and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair#and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again#i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl#and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it#and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill#and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with#and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own#i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person#and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks#also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me#and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now#and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do#and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this#but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me#and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end#anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down
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Break time sketch since I haven't really drawn Niall too much without his coat. Been trying to find more time to draw for myself. Just been busy with a lot
#art#niall#oc#sketch#lots of life stuff happening right now#also been trying to get inspired to draw again#so far I've mainly just been doing work related drawings and haven't done a whole lot of personal drawing#i just want to draw my ocs and fanart.....#but i'm like i'm tired haha
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I feel like such a broken fucking person lol
I talked way too much in the tags don't read them
#fighting off the ideation like my life depends on it!! bc it does!!!#been good about not thinking certain phrases but F U C K am i feeling it. i want to turn into a pile of dust#i am so desperately trying to work on myself and change my patterns and bad habits and perspective but it feels like i always fall short#i try not to talk about it online but I'm just. having a very hard day with N because we experience our feelings in different ways#i isolate myself bc i struggle with regulating my reactions and tones when im having an episode but she needs me to talk through things and#i sometimes just. can't. bc I'm not done experiencing the negativity and am not in a place to have a productive convo bc shame spirals etc#we just spent a long time talking and being patient and i thought i was understanding and explaining myself well but i just. idk.#i don't know how to explain that of course i love her even if I'm isolating myself. of course i love her although I'm nonverbal today. i jus#t can't *make* myself talk when I'm like this i don't want to be nonverbal i don't want to isolate i don't want to be a distant partner i do#n't want to fall back into these patterns related to my grief i want to be better i am trying to be better i am working so fucking hard on#being better. i just feel so defeated bc this all spiraled from me not wanting to decide what to get for lunch n using a poor tone about it#I'm about to talk with her some more but I just. kinda don't want to exist right now. fuck dude. it feels so fucking awful when i upset her#like i love her so much she is so important to me and it breaks my heart that our entire day is shot bc i was tired and cranky#i just don't understand how that equates to me not loving her bc she is my whole world dude. I'm going to throw up#i also don't know how to explain to her that scrolling on tumblr is comfortable to me I'm not ignoring her it's just the SM that i scroll on#like we're hanging out watching tv together I'm gonna scroll a little bit. it's just not insta or anything#idk my mind is scrambled I'm crying I just want to be a better person who can calmly communicate my thoughts and emotions#today has just beat my fucking ass dude. i isolate so those feelings don't get translated into my interactions with others#i don't even know what i typed in these tags I just don't want to off myself or think about it I'm fighting myself so much 2day#rAMbles
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If anyone relates to this even just a little bit, then I'm so sorry.
#• luna lavinchi speaking •#living with cptsd#cptsd vent#complex ptsd#diet culture trauma#monsters inside me#toxic health culture#ex vegitarian/vegan#emotional flashbacks#health documentaries#dark side of veganism#i should have never been forced to watch these as a child..my mind wasn't ready to understand the information nor tell what was real or not#-i cant try sushi or even think about fish without feeling physically sick and dizzy. i haven't had McDonald's since i was like 6ish years-#-old..i never wanted to share this information but i need to vent. I feel embarrassed and rude for not liking a food chain that most of the#-population does. Smelling or seeing McDonald's makes me wanna puke so bad because of everything those documentaries would say.#I will never be able to eat McDonald's in my life because of how sick and terrified i feel when thinking about the food even the drinks-#-scare the shit out of me. I'm so pissed that I'm triggered. All of the sudden i smell something in the house that smells like McDonald's-#-then the memories come flooding back and i feel like puking so back so i cant even eat dinner. i know this may seem stupid but i am-#-genuinly scared. Im tired of this shit and tired of feeling alone in this.#(anyway sorry. if you read my vent then i appreciate you)#tw food talk#tw diet culture#tw vent in tags#(dont even get me started on parasites cause thats a whole fucking trauma itself. damn it i hate it all. i hate it so much)#(also note: my therapist made me feel so validated weeks ago when i told her during my session that i was traumatized by monsters inside me-#-she literally knew the name of the show before i could even say its name. and she said she also cant watch it and that she saw it as an-#-adult who doesn't have ocd. so she told me she can't even imagine how terrified i was to watch it as a child who was developing ocd.-#-therapist W)
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had to lay down. woke up at nearly 7am. got overwhelmed by our sleep schedule once again being fucked because yesterday we actually went to bed at roughly the right time and thought "oh this is great we've fixed it". decided that we're just gonna deal with it and it'll be fine. and then our brain decided that no actually we're gonna have a combination of emotions that's maybe gonna give me another breakdown if I can't figure out how to deal with them but I have no fucking clue what to do with them
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#I fucking hate this. we barely did anything yesterday because we were too fatigued and then slept at a weird time#and we're still too fatigued to do much and we need to do the stuff we'd normally do before bed#and by the time we've done that we'll probably need to nap because we will feel so much worse if we don't#and I don't want to have to try and fit my whole day around trying to fix my sleep schedule but once again what else do I fucking do#and the whole last month has been like this over and over and it's because we got covid in February and have been way more fatigued#so we have to keep laying down and when we do that we just pass the fuck out#also waking up at like 7am (shortly before what should be our bedtime) leads to us feeling really sick#the way we used to feel when we had to get up early for college. like our body can't handle it and makes us feel like shit#and to top it all off the emotional shit I'm dealing with has nothing to do with this and it just another overwhelming thing on top of it#dysphoria and homesickness my fucking beloathed#I just want to be awake at the right time and have a nice stress free day and feel relaxed for once#like we keep trying to take time to relax and set aside time to do something fun and relieve some stress#and we still end up just as stressed and when we decided to spend a whole day just trying to relax we just ended up even more anxious#I'm so fucking tired. just let me sleep at the right time. just let me fucking relax for once in my life
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the eternal question: is scheduling w friends as an adult That Hard or am I just bad at it
#4 different people have left me on read today; 1 cancelled our plans 4 hours before we were due to meet#I've been sitting home alone for 2 days going insane. looking forward to One (1) coffee date & that fell through#idk why I'm taking it so hard this time I'm usually fine!! but I find myself wishing I didn't have the day off I wish I did have work :(#like it's tiring yeah but it beats sitting here not knowing what to do w myself#& I'm working all weekend & only leaving the house to see the doctor. oh joy#I've been productive ironing writing fixing the car. that's not the problem#I had 4 social plans this month. that's it#that's like seeing each friend once a month!! I can't keep this up!!#is this the norm for adulthood? :(#& on one level I don't want to bother people or be clingy#but on another level I'm baffled that they don't get lonely too#the news has not shut up abt the Loneliness Epidemic since 2021#but if it's true why do so many people take so long to reply when I reach out? if they reply at all#I'm not going anywhere w this. idk#just one of those days#everything so fuck everybody suck :(#boomers got it right w the whole showing up unannounced at people's houses for a social call with a pound cake#now I have to go through 5 layers of bureaucratic bullshit to see a friend#assuming they don't cancel the day of ofc (((((:#I just wanna be like hello knock knock I am here. tell me abt yr life today & listen to mine & eat this cake#& the worst is when people are like 'I'm cancelling bc I'm tired xx'#OK A) u knew we had these plans for two weeks#but B) I'm tired too! I still love u ur still my friend! let us be tired together!#'I won't be social today I'm tired' my love we could watch movies in silence we could knit we could ball yr socks. idc#'I have to do the big shop today sorry' so do I!!! let us do the groceries together!!!#every time I've pushed someone to come out when they felt depressed or to let me accompany them when they were doing chores#they were like u know what I'm so glad u did this. thank u. this is way better than how I had planned this night to go#& I'm like any time!! I love u!!#& then it just happens all over again next time oh sorry I'm cancelling I'm busy I'm tired#like did u forget what a nice time we had last time? what changed? :(
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it's my bday tomorrow and i am sososick and have so much to do and that all kinda sucks
i did fix the broken freezer tho!!
#definitely not gonna be able to go see the birds :(#gonna spend my birthday hosting a variety of experts on floor problems and doing the most urgent chores i haven't got done yet#updates on my boring life#negative cw#it's been so much and i'm so tired of being so sick all the time#feeling like im gonna puke and having so much congestion and my whole body hurts and im so cold#hey if you don't want to end up in my shoes please take covid precautions bc 50% of long covid patients meet the diagnostic criteria for ME#aka the disease that makes me feel like shit because i cleaned the bathroom or went to a dr appt instead of lying in bed#you don't want this please protect yourself
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idk just seems like a lot of ppl on here got real comfortable with telling ppl to go kill themselves again which is like ??????
#I gotta be honest I don't care WHAT it's abt I'll never tell someone to kill themselves but like. esp over tv. or a movie.#but maybe that has to do with being a full grown over 34 year old adult who actually has spent#most of my life trying NOT to kill myself and was actually hospitalized after an attempt so 🤷♀️#like idk babes. the whole ~this place is better cause it isn't twitter or tiktok~ like lmao idk. I just. don't know.#and I understand it's a specific type of user. I get that. believe me. my block list grows daily. I do not engage I just block#but like. at what point is it just like fuck it. the building's infested gotta demolish it. like holy shit.#I'm not on here as much as I used to be for sure. and like. idk. shit like today it's like...... idk man#I been on here for years. eons. there are parts of this place I enjoy but holy god almighty there are some fuckers on here#that severely need like. a job. a real problem. a responsibility. something. anything.#so tired of the ~I'm too scared to talk to the waiter~ crowd also being the ones calling for firebombings online like bro#shut the whole fuck up I stg#erin explains it all
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