Dude I have not slept at all

𝑹𝒂𝒎𝒆𝒏 - 𝑳𝒆𝒆 𝑯𝒂𝒆𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒏

"'𝑾𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒔, 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒔𝒖𝒏 𝒓𝒊𝒔𝒆𝒔 𝒂𝒔 𝒘𝒆𝒍𝒍 𝒖𝒏𝒅𝒆𝒓 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒔𝒂𝒎𝒆 𝒔𝒌𝒚 ♡"

-

If it wasn't for the flickering light in the distance, I would have sworn that I had been attacked with a sudden rush of insomnia. My bed sheets were twisted around my body from my tossing and turning so often. All I really wanted was to get some rest. But with that light, it seemed almost impossible. I sighed. This was hopeless. I opened my eyes and saw the light once again flickering outside my window. The light was too distracting, making me unable to close my eyes and drift off to a dream-filled sleep. On, off, on, off. It was starting to get really annoying.

I turn towards my side table to look at my phone. The light of my phone slightly hurts my eye due to the sudden brightness. It was 2 am and I still couldn't sleep. While looking through my phone my stomach starts rumbling. "Ramen won't hurt right now" I thought to myself. I get out of bed, struggling cause of the blankets being wrapped around me. I throw on an oversized hoodie and walk out of my shared apartment. I was passed the flickering light silently cursing at it, hoping someone would fix it soon. I walk into the convenience store greeting the tired looking cashier, I grab a few chip packets for me and my roommate knowing that if i didn't get anything for her she would probably kill me. I walked to the ramen section, my favourite ramen caught my eye and there was only one left.

I was about to get the last pack of ramen when someone grabbed it at the same time. I didn't notice that there was another person in the store. I look beside me to see a boy with beautiful tan skin. He reminded me of the sun, golden and just beautiful. "Hey, I was going to take it...." I stuttered for some unknown reason. "I took it first" he said bluntly while walking away. I sigh, could this night get any worse. I walk up to the counter with just the packet of chips and a drink, I was about to leave the store when i heard someone call me. "Hey, you" said the same voice before but this time more friendly. "Im sorry bout how I acted before, you wanna share?". I was shocked by the sudden question, well was i going to say yes and eat my favourite ramen with a complete stranger who i didn't even know, or go back home wishing i could have had some ramen. "Uh..sure" i say hesitantly. "Its fine im not going to poison you, im good at making ramen." he said chuckling.  

I sat down across from him, it was kinda awkward at first. "Are you new around here, i haven't seen u around before" he lied. "Uh...nah me and my friend have been living here for 5 months now" i replied. "Oh thats a bummer, i could have showed u around" he mumbled softly not loud enough for me to hear. "Sorry what was that" i asked. "Oh nothing.. I'm Dong-hyuck but my friends call me Haechan, Full sun or God of Visuals (I mean that aint wrong bahah)" he replied joking bout the last part. "Hahah, that's nice, Im y/n y/l , just y/n l/n".  

"So why are u here eating ramen in the middle of night with a random stranger you dont know?", he questioned. "Well technically we aren't strangers anymore we are acquaintances", I replied back smartly as a joke. " Haha true,but really why, is everything okay?". "Yeh yeh its just im kinda stressed out lately, i recently just moved out with my friend, and we both are looking for part time jobs". "And not to mention that fucking light that wont stop blinking outside my window" I said answering his question. ".... haha whoops that might be my fault, me and my friends were walking down the street drunk on my birthday and I might have accidentally thrown something at the light" he replied laughing nervously.  I gave him a death glare. "Jk im not mad, anyway what bout u"? " Oh well i usually sleep late, my sleep cycle (whatever u call it) is kinda messed up when I don't have any sched- i mean when i dont have Uni. Plus Doyoung was being annoying as usual, he refused to make me something to eat and we ran out of ramen, so here i am. "D-doyoung?" I repeated slightly confused . "Ohhh....one of my roommates". I nodded slowly listening to the rest of what he was saying. But that name started lingering in my head. I swear to god the name Doyoung and Haechan sound so familiar. But where have i heard it before?

We continued talking for a long time, laughing and getting to know each other. We had plenty of things in common, he was really chill and was pretty nice. Unlike what I first thought when we "first met". Our conversation about how annoying our roommates were got interrupted when i got plenty of texts from my roommate herself. "y/n where tf r u. I got up to get a glass of water and you were gone. It fucking 4 in the morning" it read. Holy shit 4am already, i look at the top of my phone to see 4:09 displayed. "Omg im sooo sorry i have to go, i didn't realise the time, you should go to, im soo sorry" i apologised once again. "Hey its fine, again my sleep scheduled is pretty messed up im used to sleeping at this time". "Im not really that tired, do u mind if i walk u home, I dont wanna head back just yet" he replied kinda nervous. "Oh sure" i said smiling. I was glad I had company walking back.

We laughed along the way back to my apartment. I scolded him for being too loud, afraid we might disturb the people around at this time. "Shhh" i laughed while playfully hitting him . We arrived at my apartment and as i was about to head in...."Well then I hope to see u around, and hopefully next time I don't have to break the light to get your attention" he said quickly while quickly running away. And entering the apartment diagonally across the street. That's when it clicked.  

<<<<Flashback>>>

"Hey Haechan dude, look the girl you like just moved in across the street ", doyoung yelled loudly at Haechan as a joke trying to embarrass him. "Omg Doyoung you so fuckin annoying". "Im sorry bout him, he is joking, welcome to the neighbourhood btw" he yelled to me before pushing doyoung back inside. " Taeyong hyung Doyoung's being a little bitch again" haechan yelled inside the house. I just started laughing confused about what had just happened. Something inside  told me that moving here was one of the best decisions of my life but i dont know.

<<< Reality>>>

I laughed to myself quietly realising that i was right about how i had felt that day.I walked into my apartment, welcomed by my VERY confused roommate."Hey" i simply said. "Dont HEY me, Yah where were u, i thought u got kidnapped or something..." she kept rambling on. I started walking into my room. "Bro are u even listening to me, whats gotten into u" she asked while shaking her head going into her room. I laid in bed hugging my pillow while smiling like an idiot. I can finally fall asleep now, cause maybe I could "run into him" the next day.

- 𝑾𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒕𝒆𝒏 𝒃𝒚 𝑮

/ *kiCKS THE FUCKING DOORS DOWN* HELLO, BITCH, WHAT ??? IT'S LOVING HALCYON HOURS AND I WASN'T INVITED ??? HONEY, YOUR WRITINGS OF SANEMI ARE SO FUN and i can Feel the amount of love and adoration you put & have for him AND THAT TRAIN HASN'T STOPPED RUNNING SINCE THE LAST TIME I CAME BANGING POTS & PANS FOR YOU and honestly kyoharu, pLEASE STOP HURTING SANEMI. HE'S LOST someone of spoiler ALREADY & A spoiler ISN'T THAT MORE THAN ENOUG H

     am crying bc of you ppl. thank you so much and I cant say it enough for sticking through my shitpostings just to see my tiny bit of writing. thanks for being here with my messy blog!!! if my sleeping sched wasnt changed and i could stay up to 5 am like usual I would be gushing to you nonstop !! nemi has been through ENOUGH 

1-800-how’s my portrayal?

Long story for my future kid but a long post to Tumblr for now

May nagtanong sakin “Grabe ren! Bakit ikaw pa kasi yung nag eeffort?” Natigilan ako. Ewan. Siguro sa way ng pagkakasabi na para bang maling mali yung ginawa ko. Mali ba ako to exert effort for someone I like? A lot of people say and I would often agree that my strong demeanor and intimidating aura is just a facade. Sobrang hirap ko iapproach lalo na in person kasi feeling ng tao masyado akong mataray. And it’s true. I don’t talk much to people that I barely know. I only have a few friends and I’m not very outgoing. Pero sa totoo lang, madali lang naman ako makasama lalo na kung in sync yung vibes natin. You’re not a dear person to me if di mo naranasan masungitan ko. And if super close na tayo, I’ll always make you laugh. I always joke, tho most of the time corny lol.

So bakit nga ba ako nag eeffort? Well, I guess it all boils down to this. When I like someone, I’m not afraid to show it. So I replied “I’m really interested to get to know him more so I’ll always make time. But if he doesn’t feel the same way, I don’t push it. I would hate wasting both of our times.” Pero masakit yun diba? Lalo na kung naattach ka na talaga. How do you really cut ties with someone who is already dear to you? To someone you already opened your heart to. Ang sagot dyan ‘putangina syempre masakit haha. Kahit gaano ko pa isipin na okay lang, that I’ll find someone else as long as I have me. Masakit pa rin lalo na kung naattach ka na.’ Mapapa asdfghjkl ka sa sakit. If that’s even a thing. Kasi you’ll never find the right words to describe the pain. Kung gaano mo inopen yung sarili mo sa isang tao, ganun din kasakit yung dating nung pain. Minsan mas mahigit pa.

How do we move on? Pano ba mawawala yung sakit? ‘Ewan. Siguro you just let yourself feel things. Sabihin mo na lahat para wala kang pagsisihan. Iiyak mo lang kung naiiyak. At some point, mapapagod ka rin.’ Hindi ba ganun naman yung usual na payo. Totoo naman. Wag mo itago. Hayaan mong maramdaman mo yung sakit. Kapalit yan ng saya na naramdaman mo kasama sya.

Pero kung gusto mo, dapat ipaglaban mo diba? Bat ka susuko agad kung di ka gusto? ‘The mere fact that I put myself out there. I opened up and showed him my vulnerable side. Isn’t that effort enough? Dapat ba durugin ko na yung sarili ko sa harap nya para lang magustuhan nya ko. The best love for me is not ‘not giving up on someone’ but rather ‘not giving up on yourself’. Di mo sya magagawang mahalin ng buo kung ikaw mismo hindi buo. Isa pa, iba’t ibang klase tayo ng pagpapakita ng love. Maybe the kind of love that I can give is not the one that he wants or needs. Darating din yung para satin.’ Asdfghjkl ang daling sabihin noh. Pero sa totoo lang, kahit anong payo mo sa sarili mo. Kung di ka pa ready, di ka pa ready. The healing process takes time. May iba saglit lang. Yung iba, sobrang tagal. Pero never ka makakausad kung di mo tutulungan yung sarili mo.

Oo masakit talaga. Para kang umabot sa mataas na level sa favorite game mo. Tas na uninstall mo yung app, so start over ka ulit. Minsan yung iba uulitin yung laro, yung iba naman hahanap nalang ng ibang games na lalaruin. Tatawanan at dadamayan ka ng mga friends mo. Sasabihin nila ‘I told you so’ or ‘Ang tanga mo kasi, sayang lang effort mo’. But was it really? Sayang ba talaga? Pouring your heart out over someone and getting nothing in return? Never ako nasayangan sa lahat. If I can do it all over again, I would do it. Maybe a different kind of approach. Pero uulitin ko pa rin, if that’s what it takes to be with that person. ‘Cause for once in your life, that person made you happy and made you feel more alive.

I remembered back in high school. I rejected boys who courted me ‘cos I was too focused on my acads and making my parents proud. And kpop already made me happy. But in 4th year high school, napatabi ako sa classmate kong super quiet, di nakikipag usap gaano sa girls and laro lang ang hilig. So mejo madaldal ako na katabi and bothered ako palagi dahil di sya nag aayos sa klase. Lagi ko sya pinapagalitan. I forced him to do schoolworks. Sometimes I can be very bossy. Until one day, we started going to the canteen together. Talk about lots of stuff. I even got into clash of clans because of him. Yun yung usong laro that time. Then we started talking online. That’s when I realized I was starting to like the guy. He was my prom date. He made me smile a lot of times. But we had to go our separate ways when we graduated. I studied in Manila and he stayed in town. We were too young back then. Marami pang pwedeng mangyari saming dalawa. I guess I liked him but not enough to commit. I wanted to focus on my acads. But heck, I still cried. Up until now, we’re not on talking terms. I wanted us to end in good terms pero minsan hindi mo mapipilit yun. Puppy love. That’s what I’ll call it

So in college, I focused on studying or so I say. Hahaha I stayed in a dorm near my school. 8am-6pm class everyday. Grabeng 1st term sched yan. With breaks in between naman, so I can steal a quick nap sa dorm. Minsan nagigising at nakakapasok sa noon class, minsan hindi so gigising nalang para mag dinner haha. I joined pep. So may 6-9pm training everyday. Imagine 8am class until 6pm tas training hanggang 9pm. Sobrang pagod. Then I met someone. He was my senior. Became friends and all that. Then I developed a small crush. Hanggang sa narecruit nya ako sa squad nila. LoL lang nilalaro ko dati with my high school friends. Sobrang butaw pa hahaha. Pero inaya ako ni crush mag dota2 eh, turuan nya daw ako. So sakin, ok lang naman hahaha. Minsan natatanga talaga ako kapag crush. So after training, deretso computer shop para maglaro hanggang 4 or 5am. Grabe until now, di ko alam pano ko nasurvive yun hahaha. The best thing about it all is after maglaro, nap lang saglit minsan wala pa. Pero nakakapasok pa rin ako sa morning class ko. Hayup! Life hack. The only decent sleep I get is my 3hr lunch break (if you can even call it decent). Tas noon class, training, tas laro ulit with crush and newfound friends. I was giddy. Minsan hinahatid pa nila ako sa dorm after laro. Bat ko ba nagustuhan yun? Di ko na rin maalala. I admired him kung paano sya magmahal and loyal dun sa ex nya. Mejo tanga ren haha. Or maybe I was craving for the kind of affection he can give. Napaisip pa ako sana ako nalang nagustuhan nya. Juice ko po. I was 17 and naive. Grabe mga efforts ko para sakanya. Tulog yun. Tulog yung nawala sakin grabe. For someone who loves to sleep and can sleep anywhere (which is highly dangerous dahil ilang beses ka ng lumagpas sa destinasyon mo kakatulog sa PUVs ren), I sure did miss a lot of sleep because of him. Bat naman hindi? Kung gusto mo makasama crush mo diba? Minsan kung hindi naglalaro gabi gabi. Magkatext kami and as a good friend and listener. Papakinggan ko yung mga rants nya sa babaeng gusto nya. I’ll always reply with ‘okay lang yan kuya’. Hahahaha may lahi talaga akong tanga grabe. Pero ang mahalaga, nakamove past ako dun sa stage na yun. From a crush/potential someone, he became a kuya nalang talaga. Maybe it was just Infatuation. That’s what I’ll call it.

That happened because I met someone again. And that one is my ex. He was part of the squad. Sya yung carry namin. Tanginang plot twist yan. Sumali ka sa squad nung crush mo para mapalapit sakanya only to end up with his friend. Grabeng buhay to. Dami surprises hahaha. I was the only girl in the team. Mababait naman sila and I felt secure and comfortable with them. Hinahatid pa nila ako after game kahit madaling araw na at papalabas naman na yung araw. So pano nangyari? Hindi naman kagwapuhan. Actually lahat ng nagustuhan ko, hindi naman pogi to the point na mapapalingon ka. Siguro may itsura ganun haha. Basta importante mabango at malinis tignan at malinis talaga. And has good heart and personality. Not really the one who go for the looks. So from a kuya to a potential lover. How did it happen? Dahil lang sa langyang screwdriver. Di kami gaano nag uusap nun kahit sa personal. Small talk lang ganun. Papawards ganun. Haha charot. So ayun, one day nagchat sya naghahanap ng screwdriver. Lahat pala ng taga taft tinanong nya. So I simply replied with ‘sorry kuya, wala po’. Wow ang galang diba haha. From that small convo, napunta sa di ko na alam haha. I remembered he had a hard time passing his business mathematics subject which was really true. Mejo shunga sya sa math. Scratch that, sobra pala. And aminado naman sya. So I offered to tutor/teach him. Not bragging, but I’m good at math. I won awards back in elem and hs lol. Sobrang nerd ko dati fota. Then one day nagkaaminan kami. From friends we turned into something more. I’m really a very private person. Gusto ko pati sa relationship, private. So we kept things to ourselves. Kasi masyado malaki yung social circle namin given that we belong to the same college org. Less people know, less issue diba? So naging mag SO kami. So I said ‘hala oo, secret on tayo’. Tinawanan nya ako wow. It’s a foreign word for a gh kid pala. Tangina ganun yung term samin nung high school eh. Secret on. So what he meant was ‘significant other’. And there it was, we became each other’s SOs. What did I like about him? He’s certainly not my type. Matangkad lang sya ng onti sakin. Ok fine may biceps. Pero siguro, his greatest asset was his mind. His perspective in life and how he taught me a lot of things. I was 17 and he was 20. He was matured, that’s one. And he taught me how to be mature without spoiling my youth, that’s another. He owned almost 3 years of my life. And I have no regrets. Sobrang dami kong nirisk to be with him. My parents didn’t want me to engage in any romantic relationship while I was still studying. But I defied and kept us a secret. Eventually naging legal sa close college friends namin because I fucking confessed when I was drunk. Oh how I would love to zip this mouth when I drink. *facepalm* First gift I received from him was a very cute courier sa dota 2 hehe. I’m very forgetful so my very first gift? Di ko na maalala hehe. I cleaned his condo. Gave him cake with a little corny joke on the side. Steam wallet codes. I remembered gifting Overwatch for his bday. Electric cooker because he loves to cook. And yes, I moved at the condo in front of his building. When I lost my phone at bts concert, nakikitext ako sa pinsan ko. Grabeng effort yan. Haha lintek. He made sure I feel loved too. But like all things, our relationship has come to an end. Do I have regrets? Wala. We had a beautiful one. And I’ll always treasure it. We were never official yknow. No label. What we had was commitment. Now ask me again, do I have regrets? Maybe meron. The fact that I wasn’t able to introduce him to my parents. But that experience taught me a lot. I became more open to my parents. We officially ended weeks before graduation and while my parents were happy for me on that special day. I was faking a smile and crying inside. That was the last time I saw him. He’s happy with someone now. And I am happy too. Akala ko di ako makakausad pero I did. You just never forget your first but you don’t go back haha. First love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sobrang broken ko nun akala ko di na ako makakausad. I fucking failed my first civil service exam. March 17. I remember taking it at Marikina High School. Di ko alam pano pumunta dun. At di ko alam pano ako nakarating. I was like a walking zombie. I took the exam lightly and slept. Like who does that on an official government exam? The results came out and I saw the disappointment in my parents’ eyes. Their so-called honor student and daughter failed. Dun ko narealize kung gaano ko tinatapon yung buhay ko para lang sa isang tao. I cried again not for him but for myself. Then I swore to myself that was the last time. So I used this app, bumble. Not to spite my ex but to help myself. I wanted to talk to someone. I remembered una kong bungad ‘pano ba maka move on?’ Hahaha and while I get some funny answers, I was able to get decent ones. May naging friends ako. Like friends talaga, no romance involved. I open it from time to time. When I feel bored or want kausap. I went on a date once. But we never really clicked. Because I believe he was more into the physical stuff and I wasn’t up for it. Then I talked with a lot of people some more. Pero wala talagang constant. Like after the hi’s and hello’s. No one sparked my interest. Maliban of course dun sa mga naging friends ko na nakakausap ko from time to time. I flirted with some only thru chats. But I eventually grew tired of it. Realized I wasn’t up for it and I’d rather be by myself. Sayang sa oras eh. Distraction. That’s what I’ll call it.

Until I met someone again. Hay nako ren hahaha. Met him on this app. At first, it was a small talk. Like all the others. Bored ako eh. And it felt harmless at that time. But we just never run out of topic and I don’t feel bored when I talk to him. In fact, hinahanap ko na sya. Which is bad I know. I laughed at his silliness and admired his wit and determination. Connection. That’s what we had. Or maybe for me. We went on dates. And it was good. But that harmless became not so harmless anymore when I felt something stir within me. Narealize ko na it’s another heartbreak waiting to happen if I continue with it. And I don’t wanna risk getting myself hurt again after I fixed myself. Hindi nakakaganda yung puro iyak. If I’m gonna risk something for someone, I want to know if he’s willing to risk for me too. Mahirap pag puro puso lang. But he chose to walk away. And that’s sign enough. Kung mas pinatagal ko pa yun, siguro baka mas lalo akong nahulog to the point na hindi na ako makakaalis pa. Di ko rin alam pano ko sya nagustuhan. It all sank in when I realized I’m always making time for him. Turned down dates with others and would rather spend time with him. Travelled a long way to go to him. My friend thinks it’s too much. Even I think it’s silly. Pero ganun naman talaga. We do crazy things for the people we like. I knew it was love when he helped me bring out the best in me. For once, I was inspired again. I took the civil service exam for the second time and I passed it. August 4. I took it somewhere in QC. Ganun pala when you’re happy, you bring out happy results too. But I wasn’t enough for him. And maybe he wasn’t enough for me to take the risk alone. Para kaming parallel lines. Never magtatagpo so useless pa na pilitin. Do I have regrets? Siguro. If I can do it all over again, I would do things differently. Then if di talaga, baka hindi talaga para sakin. Napakabullshit lang talaga nung ‘bat ka masasaktan kung never naman naging kayo’ hahahaha. It’s almost 2020. Let people feel things. Nasasaktan ka kasi nagbigay ka. That’s the way of life. Kaya ang sarap nalang talaga minsan maging halaman. Pero that’s the beauty of love and life. Hindi pwede puro saya lang. Hindi rin pwede puro lungkot lang. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam what to call what happened with us. Siguro I, for I don’t know lol hahahahaha tangina ako lang natatawa sa inside joke ko. We decided to remain friends but we both know that’s pure shit. We don’t talk anymore. And sometimes it’s better to stay that way. Minsan mapapatanong ka nalang bakit ka makakatagpo ng taong di naman para sayo. Siguro in time mahahanap mo yung sagot. Or may taong magbibigay sayo ng sagot. Hangga’t di ko alam yung sagot kung bakit nag end or bat hindi kami. I’d rather not settle for the what ifs. Masasaktan ka lang kung lagi mo tatanungin yung sarili mo ng what if haha. Strange love. That’s what I’ll call it.

Sa ngayon, I’m happy by myself. At least I’m trying to be. Happiness is a choice. Always strive for it. See the good in things. And if you found your person, you do something with it. If you really want someone in your life, you put effort. And if he/she doesn’t match your efforts, maybe it’s their answer to your feelings. Every heartbreak I’ve experienced just taught me to be stronger than before. Strong enough to pursue what I really like and who I really love but also strong enough to let go if it’s really not for me. In the future, I’ll tell my kids my heartbreak stories but for now this stays in tumblr. When I find their father, maybe in a diner, in another table at a coffee shop, sitting beside me in the train, while he’s dog walking in the park or even at the bar. Heck, I don’t know. All I know is when I find him, I’ll know he’s the one. And by that time, I’ll know what it is. Bliss. That’s what I’ll call it.

All these efforts that I can give, I’m putting it all to myself for now. I will never stop loving myself. So even if others won’t, I’ll always have me. Kahit gaano ka pa nasaktan, never stop believing in love. Let it counter hate. Di ko alam kung anong future ang nag aantay sakin. But I’m sure I can do something about it. Kasi tayo naman gumagawa ng destiny natin. Don’t just wish. Do it. But don’t push things too hard. You might break it. Let’s leave it to the natural course of the universe. Kung ano yung para sayo, para sayo. Faith. That’s what I’ll call it.

- ren

a list of all the weird/stupid things i have done so far on JTA (in case i forget)

i’m pretty tired right now because i just came back from italy and the bologna airport. i say those are two different things because one of them is something i truly, really love (italy) and the other one is a weird and grueling experience that is the reason for the creation of this list (bologna airport).

i wanted to list down all my memories on trips, like my itineraries etc first, but since i’m not that masipag yet and am prone to laziness and forgetfulness, when writing this came into my head, i was immediately more excited to write it and i decided to just go for it. so here it is, my weird list of Things I Wouldn’t Have Done If I Weren’t On JTA (alternatively, Things I Would Never Have HAD To Do if It Weren’t for JTA).

- sleep at an airport. this takes the cake, really (so far -- i still have morocco to go!). i guess it was also in the choice of airport i decided to sleep at, but let me tell you, Bologna Airport should not be high up on your “Airports to Sleep At” list. Really. I don’t consider myself very snooty or fresa, and I’ve braved through a lot of gross things. But this. I couldn’t take it. I guess it was through this that I realized I’m not that type of person who can just sleep anywhere. I need to be horizontal, man. It doesn’t even have to be a bed, just something I can lie on. We arrived at bologna at around 1:30, found a cab (ooh, that should go on the list too...more details later) and arrived at around 2am. I tried to sleep. I really did. I just couldn’t. I slept for, at most, an hour, between 2am and 6am. I was sitting, trying to position my backpack and my Italian plates (which were pasalubong and I still have no regrets about buying) while trying to get my upper body and lower body in a comfortable enough position. It just wasn’t possible. Maybe I’m just too long ? which sounds funny, but rly. neither my upper nor lower body could fit in one seat of the chairs, and if i curled myself up on the chair it was just ... difficult. so i ended up sleeping like i would on a bus, except it wasn’t a bus and i was bothered that i had to sleep this way at all. this may sound really angry, but to be honest, i’m not at all. really. i can’t really describe what i felt, it wasn’t really frustration, it was just...grueling. which isn’t really a feeling but...it is what it is. so there i couldn’t sleep, and then when the airport opened and we went past immigration, we found more comfortable seats (these ones actually had cushions on them -- oh yes, the ones we were trying to sleep on at first had no cushion, just metal. it was those chairs you find right in front of check-in counters) and i could sleep better, even if i was curled up and was using my backpack as a pillow (which i had put on the seat beside me...i think at this point i just said fuck it to stranger danger, pickpocketing, stealing, and thieves. i just wanted to close my eyes.) so i slept a little bit more, having 30 minute naps. and then we boarded, and i slept the whole flight. and i tried to go to class. but that’s another point, i think. for this one, it’s very simple: chelsea can’t sleep all night at airports. or chairs.

sidenote: bianca slept fine. i’m truly amazed

- walk around bologna at 1:30am figuring out the cab system. it was quite a stressful early morning, even before the whole airport situation. i didnt know how taxis worked in bologna, which shouldnt have been a problem because they should work like anywhere else in the world, except they didn’t. apparently you’re supposed to call one in advance, and its not common to just flag one down on the street. happy ending for this one though, because on my 2nd try we got one! God BLESS that man. idek how true the whole “u can’t flag one on the street” thing is, but if it is, TYG for this not-so-ugly/kinda cute (he wasn’t cute, but he wasn’t what you’d call pogi) taxi driver. and he had CARD

- oh yeah...which leads me to number 3: pay for a 10euro gelato. guys. it wasn’t even that good. bianca and i were going around florence, looking for cheap gelato. we went to 3 different stores, comparing prices. 4 euro for the smallest size was too expensive for us. so we got excited when we saw this place had gelato for 2.5. steaaal!! we got cups, but then it was only after that i realized that he didn’t get the 2.5 cup...he got the 10 euro cup. :---) and the cannoli, which the dude said was only 1 euro, turned out to be 7 euros. :---) maybe he didn’t say 1 euro, maybe he said 7 but we didn’t hear...either way, i ended up not having cash on hand anymore for the rest of the day. and that was around 11am. :---) and that is how i found out the hard way that most Florentine stores only accept cash. i CRY for my 13.5 euros. it would have saved me a lot of grief later on.

what type of grief? the grief i am currently in as i type this. ok, it isn’t grief. but let’s call it that for now. as i mentioned on my finsta-finsta IG, aka the mobile and easier access version of this blog, I didn’t want to sleep in the afternoon because it would mess up my sleeping sched, so i decided i would go to my spanish class at 3pm. too bad i ended up taking a nap and waking up AT 3PM. which was fine, i mean all spanish people are late and its not uncommon to have people come a little later than usual, even to classes. but i still had to buy a T-10. i had prepared for this -- i had both my card and 50 euros so i could buy a card. neither worked on the machine. i’m kinda worried about my card, it didn’t work on the airport machine either (bianca had to double use her T-10, bless her), but whatever. it worked on the bologna taxi...should be fine. anyway, by the time i tried all 3 machines and decided to give up, it was 3:15 and i felt that even if i did go to class, it would be waaaay too late, even for the spanish. so i called it a day. i broke my 50 by buying ben&jerry’s, bought a T-10 with the loose change (so i wouldn’t have to go through this shit again) and went back to the apartment. like i said on my ig, ben&jerry’s is my alcohol. 

but i digress

- get fined. ok, this one’s on me. and bianca. we deserved it. we were so aware of how much we deserved it that we didn’t even get mad anymore. I mean, we really deserved it. so rewind to 2 days before the gelato and the airport, and we’re in rome. we’re on the bus, and we notice that absolutely no one is validating their bus tickets, and the bus is packed. the driver doesn’t even know who goes in or out. so we decide to just not punch in our cards. big mistake. really, BIIIIIIIIIG MISTAKE. out of all the buses, the police decide to climb on to ours (ok fine..it was crowded, we were otw to Vatican which meant a lot of tourists, etc. etc.). and of course we were caught with unvalidated tickets. so we had to pay a fine...54.9euros to be exact. TYG it could be paid by card or I would’ve cried, because the fee of paying it somewhere else other than the time of getting caught was around 100+ euros. well i already felt bad about losing 54.9 euros, but again, I deserved it. so take note, kids ! be good citizens, ALWAYS ! validate those cards!

- run like hell to catch a bus. i had the paris incident in mind, but i realize that that’s happened a lot to biancs and i. but the paris one is GOLD -- we wanted to watch the eiffel tower sparkle, and we calculated it would sparkle at 8pm. Our Flixbus (best company tbh) was schedule to leave at 8:42 pm. accdg to google maps, it would take us 40-42 minutes to get to the station. so we had to be quick. at 8:00 sharp, the lights sparkled, we gasped, took some pictures, then RAN. i can still visualize the scene. a live performer was playing “can’t help falling in love”, it was already dark (of course), and there were so many tourists milling around. there were also a lot of street sellers. through all of that, suddenly one of the 7 of us (i think it was me tbh), shouted “run run run!!!” and OFF WE WENT ya’ll. through that thick crowd, 7 girls just darting around like mice. we kinda separated a bit at the metro, cause some of the girls thought our entrance would be different, but me and some others stuck to the one we were already going down on. the other girls ran all the way to the other side. when we got down to the station, the girls were also getting down, just on the other side. basically, pointless to go around. trust me, if i wasn’t paranoid about missing the bus, i would’ve laughed. it was actually pretty funny, the whole thing. i remember running the length of the station (our bus stop was at the back) and feeling like i would die. i had never run so fast in my life (i think). we made it, just in time.

- which leads me to another moment i thought i would die: going through Amsterdam’s King’s Day crowd. that shit was wild. that’s as precise as I can be. it was WILDT. that was some stupid, crazy shit. we had just met up with parsley, gabe, shar, and christine. or to be more precise, we met up with the first three and the latter was just pissed to see us. (more on that ...soon lol) and ...ok to be honest, i don’t even remember where we were supposed to go. all i remember is, Gabe or Shar started the navigation, and it led us to the edge of this street concert party thing. when I say “street”, I mean the whole street was occupied with tall white people. the street was actually quite narrow, which made everything worse because the King’s Day people had erected a stage there, so there was a concert going on, and what seemed like a live broadcast of that concert. PLUS, on the other side of the stage, the street was lined with bars. and it was King’s Day. you can imagine the complete chaos. everyone was either drunk, high, or both. it was incredibly crowded. the street was packed, there were people from the bars who were coming out to join in, and there were people who were trying to move through the crowd. we were one of those people. i’ve been through incredibly ...sticky and crowded situations in my life. I’ve ridden the MRT at ultra mega rush hour, I’ve attended enough rock concerts. I thought I would be prepared for something like this. I wasn’t. the crowd was iba, I had never experienced anything like it. It was kind of like MRT at that rush hour, except everyone was MOVING, and you didn’t really want to stay there. at least in the MRT, when ur pushed against other people, no one really moves until the next stop. here, everyone seemed like they wanted to go somewhere else, or were moving to the music or whatever. there was just too much movement. at one point, i wasn’t even moving my legs. the crowd was swaying me along, and yes, I mean swaying. we were going from left to right, kind of suffocating-pushing our way through. oddly, i felt like the band was just repeating songs, and their reactions were being controlled or something. whatever -- all i know is, it was crazy fucking scary. i try not to curse anymore (haha, i know) but i can’t describe King’s Day without expletives. it was just too...WILD. I’m still thankful I even made it out alive. I really thought I would die at some point. 

- ah, amsterdam, what else is there to do? oh yeah, get high. this seems pretty basic considering everything else on this list, but really. I don’t think I would’ve ever tried weed if I hadn’t gone on JTA. I didn’t really wanna do it, plus it was still illegal in the PH and I didn’t wanna get caught up in that. but hey, it was Amsterdam, it was totally legal. I actually wanna amend my earlier point and be more specific: get high on a boat. that was actually kind of fun. we were doing this canal tour thing, and we had eaten the edibles an hour before getting on. to the merit of biancs and i, i think we were still very good clients. it was the nighttime tour on the canal, so everyone else was either drunk, high, or romantically involved. trust me, biancs and i were the most behaved ones there. we would pretend to listen, nod and laugh when we felt it appropriate, and converse with the hosts. it was a good experience. even better? the food and wine on the boat. there’s no better way to say this, but we demolished that buffet. 3 plates filled high with sausages, crackers, and cheese and we only left some for the others (the others didn’t seem to mind though, because like i said, they were knee-deep in the other 3 reasons above). there were free-flowing drinks too, and biancs and i shared with 3 other girls, and i think we had 5 bottles all in all. so like...one bottle each. it was a good time. i felt myself getting slower once i was hit, but wow. i thoroughly enjoyed that. the host even gave me a lei at the end of the tour! maybe he appreciated our participation. or maybe he just knew we were high.

i was high when we were going through the King’s Day crowd too, but that was less...enjoyable. i think that once we were in the crowd, i kinda snapped out of it and focused on not dying. yeah, that was kind of a waste. but hey, generally i had a good time.

- get drunk on 1 euro carton wine. this was actually super fun. its one of those things that become tradition immediately after you start it. it started when bianca bought carton red wine. i think we got pretty drunk off of it, and i vaguely remember going back to the supermarket (yes, the supermarket was still open, which meant...it was pretty early) to buy another one, which we also finished. then all hell broke loose. we started getting noisy, we called pars and gabe, we went to the kitchen and stole strawberries from one of our then-flatmates, Maria (who was honestly really nice), and I accidentally turned on the lights in Marion’s room while she was there. she actually came out and told me that i had turned it on, and all i kept saying was “sorry, sorry”. this was all before the flatmate drama, i think. (lol that’s another story too, i guess). oh and this all happened while we were on the phone with sina gabe. bianca went inside the “coat room” of the apartment and stole someone’s hat (at the time we thought it was manon’s, but it could actually be javier’s??? still don’t know until now, tbh). then we went back into our room and...decided that we wanted to sleep in the empty room beside us. so we tried first to enter it through the adjacent balcony, didn’t work. so we got the keys box and started trying out different keys until we found the one that fit and we just....slept there. didn’t do anything nasty, didn’t trash the place. just...fell asleep. i don’t know if i should be thankful or confused that drunk chelsea and bianca’s idea of a wild night is sleeping in an empty bedroom right beside ours. not even a hotel or another flat, but literally the one that pretty much looks like ours. yeaaah, i don’t know either. that was pretty fun though, biancs and i got to bond and i guess it solidified our reverence for the carton wine. it tastes like shit, but it does its job.

- have trashy tinto-vodka nights with raya. this is steadily becoming Chelsea’s JTA Greatest Hits list, but whatever. i’m enjoying this trip down memory lane. to be fair, i only had 2 trashy wine nights with Raya, when she was still in her old condo and my parents hadn’t come/bianca and I didn’t have a trip on the weekend, but it was one of the best nights. it was honestly really fun, just getting to know and bonding with Raya. I hadn’t known her so well pre-JTA, and when we were thinking of getting a room together (me, bianca, and Raya), I wasn’t so sure how that would play out. but after bonding with her, I realized that Raya and I vibed pretty well. we were into the same stupid shit and laughed at the same nonsense things. so sleeping over at her place and getting drunk was honestly really fun. it wasn’t even wild or anything, it was just...~ hearty fun ~. we’d try to invite bianca sometimes, but she’d always say no LOL mainly cause raya’s place is quite far from us and she didn’t want to sleep over (but biancs is totally fine sleeping at an airport?? i don’t understand, but hey, you do you.) and raya and i would also cook sinigang! ok fine, we cooked it on one day only, but after having it for lunch then getting tipsy, we decided we wanted more so we made another batch at around midnight. we both agreed it tasted a lot better. gooooooood times.

- having to walk Amsterdam alone at night. sorry i jumped back into amsterdam, i just totally forgot about this. this was actually a big deal for me, even though in summary it wasn’t so special. i had had to wake up at around 3am that day so i could walk and catch the bus that would bring me to the Flixbus station. i was worried because amsterdam had had shit weather the day before and i was contemplating taking an uber, but in the end i decided to walk. it was only a 20-minute walk, which in daytime wouldn’t have bothered me. but since it was nighttime and the airbnb wasn’t in city center, i was kind of afraid. i’m matatakutin pa naman. i imagine shadows becoming figures and am generally uneasy in the dark. but at the time i thought, u gotta do what u gotta do, right? so i trudged on. and honestly, it wasn’t bad at all. i saw no one on my walk, and i realize in hindsight that if i had walked in the morning, i would have enjoyed it a lot. i got to see the river and some pretty cute, homey houses. there were parts where it was eerily dark and quiet, but overall i didn’t feel pressured too much. i don’t know why this is a big deal for me, and i feel like it’s silently a landmark experience for me. i guess because it was something i had no choice but to do alone (bianca had left earlier, gabe and pars were asleep and staying another day in amsterdam), and i had to face my fears. alone. epitome of JTA, I guess. well, it ended fine though, and overall I think I grew from the experience. I guess I realized there that I have some of my own inner strength that I can rely on, and that what scares me sometimes is...nothing, really. that I make things up in my head and I’m too praning, but really, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

- get in trouble with an airbnb. technically this wasn’t me, because it was under parsley’s name, but we all felt this. amsterdam really was something else...

anyway, parsley booked the place, but she only put it down for 2 guests, when we were...six. everything was going well until the owner apparently saw parsley and the lille girls going out all together, and the owner messaged pars about it saying that she (pars) has to pay a fine of 25E/night. the owner only saw 4 people though, so i guess that was a silver lining? so that added to the general stress of amsterdam, post-Heineken Experience. christine made pars tell this lie about the other 2 people only staying a night, but the owner then said that she saw four bags in the airbnb. which was weird, considering our airbnb was separated from the main house and was locked, so that meant that the owner went inside to check herself. invasion of privacy right there...the owner even made up this story about a socket burning out in our airbnb, which is why she had to go and check. though when we went back, everything was ok...well, we were also in the wrong anyway. we told the owner that the other bags did belong to 2 people, but that they would soon leave because they had early flights, which technically wasn’t a lie. so it ended up that we had to strategically get in and out of the airbnb. it would all be fine by sunday, because bianca was leaving sat night and pars, gabe, and i were leaving early sunday morning. we just had to time our ins and outs so that if ever there was someone checking on us from the main house window, s/he’d only count two people. it was pretty intense, the tension in that place. not just cause of the owner, but also cause of some people in the airbnb. but that story, maybe for another time.

- getting drunk on port wine. oh, PORTO. I love that place, really. it still has my heart, 6 countries and 9 cities later. it was a great first trip (that i should probably recount soon, before memory fails me and i forget the tiny things about it that i loved). one of the reasons why it was so good was because of port wine. and all i can say is...beshie. sarap shet. really, nothing quite like it. i still remember that one of them tasted like maple syrup, no joke. the others tasted....i don’t know how to describe it anymore, but one was incredibly fruity and one was oaky without tasting outright like a barrel. it was amazing. it was delicious, the best wine i’ve ever had. it was also 20% alcohol content. and we had 3 glasses. we got pretty hit after that, and what made it kinda go away was our mad rush towards a building tour that wasn’t that good anyway. but nonetheless, it was extremely good wine. I still can’t forget it, and at the nearest opportunity I jump at the chance to go back. Porto definitely isn’t one of those cities that a lot of people think of instantly when you say “Europe trip”, but I say it should be. One of the cheapest, beautiful, and most relaxing trips ever. I never would have considered it myself, were it not for its close proximity to Spain.

- see how the french dance. this is more of an afterthought, and honestly not as hard hitting as the other things on the list, but wow. the french dance weird. i will forever laugh at that video of gabe and pars copying them because it’s so spot on. it’s really some sort of robotic, zombie move thing that’s equally fascinating and equally scary. I definitely would not have known about it if I hadn’t been on JTA, going to clubs with my friends.

- tried to make coffee without water. yep, this goes on the list of stupid for sure. so javier has this coffee maker that i’ve never even seen before, and when he explained how to use it, he didn’t mention anything about putting water in the bottom. so when i tried to do it on my own, i did exactly as he told me. of course, without water, the thing just started burning. i think i was too late to realize it, because i had already begun to smell the burning. when i took it off the stove and laid it on the towel, the towel just straight up burned. as in the coffee maker scorched a hole through the damn towel. i felt pretty stupid in that moment, and honestly really scared for my life that Javier would be angry and would rethink this whole “letting us stay for an extra 3 months” thing (yeah, I realize now that I’m actually a pretty paranoid person). thankfully, he just laughed it off and cleaned it for me, and was even nice enough to make a new batch of coffee for me. God bless the man. the next batch of coffee still tasted burnt though, so i had to thoroughly clean the coffeemaker afterward. phew, that was a close one though. I thought I had really fucked things up at that point.

- lost money without explanation? this is a question mark because i don’t really know how this happened. it started when i was short by 200 euros after my parents left, even though i didn’t use any of my own money when my parents were here and they had given me more cash. i let that go and just offset it. then the next time i counted, i was missing 50 euros naman? like HUH ? I can get pretty magastos, but when I’m cheap I’m cheap af. I knew I hadn’t spent that money anywhere, yet here it was being missing. I don’t know either, maybe there was something off from my counting from the beginning? either way, I’m still sad I can’t find it anymore :///

- thought i lost 20 euros to the laundry machine demon. i straight up didn’t go to that laundry shop for like 3-4 months because i thought the machine had swallowed my 20 euros when all it needed was 3 euros. later on, i found out that there was actually a lot of balance left on that card, because the 20 euros wasn’t swallowed up, it was charged to the card! TYG!!!! i was really happy the day i found out. also kinda sad cause i spent a looot of months hand washing or just not washing because i didn’t want to go to the shop.

- sleeping in hostels. ok, i know i said i wasn’t fresa, but i never really would’ve considered hostels and been so positive about them if it weren’t for JTA. I’m honestly really loving the hostel vibe. the people are friendly, its communal, its pretty clean, and you get cheap accommodation. i guess this isn’t really a weird or stupid thing to do on JTA, but I just find it...cool how much my perspective has changed on traveling. (maybe that should be my next post?) and again, i don’t think i would have done this if not for JTA. so thanks, JTA, for letting me experience that :)

I think that’s it...for now. We still have morocco next week, and amidst the polarizing opinions about it (”it’s one of my greatest trips, u should go!” vs “be more careful, there are more sketchy people there”), I’m kinda excited. I hope I get to relax a little more, because I think that’ll be our last out of Spain trip. I can’t believe we thought of going to Germany pa after Morocco. I would’ve died of tiredness. anyway, that’s all I can remember for now. soon, I’ll try to add pictures and finally start recapping our trips. I think it will do me a lot of good in the future if I at least record my JTA experiences.

ciao!

What Christmas Dinner?

THE 2017 CHRISTMAS DINNER HAS BEEN CALLED OFF.

Yep. You heard me. #PowerGroup 2017 Annual Christmas Dinner just called off, because no one seems can prioritize this friendship over everything. Seems like everyone is.......separating.

and it breaks my heart, 10000 times harder than the feelings of being rejected by a man.

I really do believe in this friendship, and I really do love them, so fucking much that finally when I still (and always) put them on top of my priority, they let me drown and choked on my disappointment-whirlwind (that I actually made myself into). I still love them, even though I actually have 1000 reasons to not be friend with them anymore. I still like them as much as I like myself to be around them and laugh at their shittiest, dirtiest, cheesiest jokes.

The Christmas Dinner supposed to be held at 19.12.17 at 3 p.m. But, [let’s hear the reasons]

M: cannot make it because he already have an appointment, and CAN ONLY MAKE IT AT 2 p.m. What’s odd: He already said YES to 4 p.m Christmas dinner although he already said ‘yah sore ya’, but he ended up with ‘yodah deh cuz cuz’. Minutes later (yes, MINUTES, 6 mins to be exact), he changed his mind and said he cannot make it unless it’s on 2 p.m. My guess? His whore get mad for being 2nd priority and refuse to reschedule their date. 85% sure that’s what happened. What. A. Bitch. (I do hate the bitch MUCH MORE)

R: cannot make it on the evening because he has this Japanese course, which he should make it into 100 hours-course for his internship requirements. Appreciation-alert: He’s trying to resched the course by bailing out *yes, shout out to this lovely and sweet pain-in-the-ass* so he can have dinner with us. Did he pissed me off? Not really, but since he said that this seems to be forced /by me/, which I was only trying to find a way out of this devil’s sched cricle, I am pretty upset. But on the other hand, it’s his ignorance about friendship and the situations lately that makes me upset a little more. But mostly, he’s still my sweetheart.

I: Well, actually she can make it, at any hour. But, I being I, she doesn’t wanna change the schedule into 20.12, night or day because she want to go home as soon as she finished her meeting. But I kinda get it, tho {the reason), until D mentions that she DON’T WANT to change the sched, means that she’s kinda...  hard and egocentic. But whatever, I know her too well, and I don’t mind her ego. Really? Not pissed off with her? A little. Since she didn’t read and reply the group, like it takes an hour for her to reply me on group, when I know she cannot be sleeping or else. She might just hanged out with her new man-friend ew. (I really am afraid this clique is gonna break). That makes me feel insecure with this friendship, the fact that she get exclusive with others. The fact that I feel like she’s no longer trying to understand me or even really understand me, even trying to defend me a bit. I am most disappointed with this. (I know this is a speculation, but.. this is a long story, gonna make a different page for this).

L: Not answering on group, not read the chat, but replying my co-worker chat on the organization group. Oh well, darling. Priorities is priorities, but where do you put your sanity and common sense? On your ass? As long as I know he can make it. But when we resched it into 2 p.m, he still doesn’t show up, but I told me on the multichat that he cannot make it cause he got appointments. THE HECK WHY YOU DON’T SHOW UP AND ANSWER IT BY YOURSELF? He’s one of the reason why I should just leave the group, cause.. God, I am trying not to but I don’t like his form right now. (avoiding the word ‘hate’). And he’s the one that has been acting strange since his break up with D. What a Je&k. Whatever, it’s tiring to talk about him.

J: Nah, this guy is my sweetheart too. Love him. He’s okay, and he can make it. Yay. Bless you, my kind-hearted-sweet-ass men.

D: Yep, D and me (D). We’re just trying to make it up, find out the win-win solution, asking you guys about the solution, offering you guys an options. But well, what can two-man do against 5 other ignorance annoying person? Go fu&& themselves and cry because it’s shitty to fight alone and believing that WE are still each other’s person.

Deep down, from my heart, I really hope that we can make it in January. I miss you guys, a lot. I miss the way we supposed to mock each other and fight for the last piece of pizza. I miss the way we laugh at each other stupidity and bad jokes. I miss the way we share our food, no matter what it is, no matter how good it is, just because we love to eat so much but niggardly to spend much money. 

i just don’t want this thing comes to an end, just like the 7-icons did. I learn from mistakes that it only takes one person to keep fight and stick around to unite others. 7-icons stop being exclusive because there are no one left that care enough to stay and talk to unify. I lost so many friends, so many clique. I think I had enough.

The last time I lost my friend, I kinda lost it in a hard way.

But I do still think that #powergroup is WAY MORE worth it and important, that I couldn’t just leave them just like I stopped fighting for 7-icons. 

I have 1000000 reasons why I should leave them and find other clique, but I only need one reason not to: because I believe they are my friend.

Aren’t they?