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cookinguptales · 2 years

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Love living out here in the forest, hate having to drive two hours every time I need to have blood drawn lmao.

Today we have to drive to the nearest town with a LabCorp because I need a lot of bloodwork done, which means I have to go on a long car ride without any food or electrolyte tablets (my love) in my system for about 12 hours. I have a whole host of chronic illnesses, so lbr, this is gonna fuck me up. Good chance I’ll be very iffy the next couple days. If you really need me, send me a chat or an ask so it doesn’t get lost in my notifications and I’ll get back to you when I can! I promise.

I say this because next week I am going to be even more iffy so just in case I don’t feel up to talking before then, I’m not dead! I’m just gonna be hooked up to an IV for several days lmao.

[cut for personal stuff]

I haven’t been talking about it really in-depth because frankly, I doubt people really want to hear the gory details of my personal life but like. Things have been pretty bad for the past eight months or so. Health-wise. I mean, they’re always pretty bad, but things have been... worse. I always joke about oh, I can’t see today, oh I can’t keep food down, oh my body sounds crazy today but like. Honestly speaking, it’s been really hard. My work has suffered, my writing has suffered, my mental health has suffered. The brain fog has been absolutely unreal. I can’t tell you how frustrated I’ve been with these stories in my brain that I can’t seem to draw out. I want to show you them so badly and I’m running out of time... Sigh.

I digress. I was in the process of getting signed up for ketamine treatments before the pandemic hit and I’ve finally gotten an appointment to get started next week. Again, I don’t really talk about it much in detail but like. Yeah, I’ve had MDD since I was in elementary school and there have been some very dangerous periods in my life. It’s extremely treatment resistant and if we’re being entirely honest, dark thoughts are just kind of the cosmic background radiation of my life and have been since I was too young to even understand what I was thinking about. It’s been even harder to push through lately, but ketamine has been shown to help in a lot of SSRI-resistant situations... idk. They say it should also help with the pain, but I guess we’ll see. I’ve sure heard that before.

(At least if no one else is having a good time, I’ve sure given some doctors a puzzle they enjoy...)

I’m kind of scared, honestly. It’s a daunting set of (somewhat experimental) procedures anyway, but also like... I’m scared that it won’t work and this will just be my brain forever? But I’m also scared that it will and I’m going to have to figure out how I’m going to afford this going forward. It’s not covered by my insurance. 🙃 So my brain’s kind of all over the place, but some of that is also that I’m hungry and dizzy as hell but I won’t get to eat or consume salt for another *checks watch* 4-5 hours. ;;

(Why yes, I’m sure I do sound very scattered rn. Don’t worry, I’m not the one driving. lmao)

idk, just trying to keep my head up. We have to drive all the way down to freaking San Francisco next week and I’m not looking forward to THAT drive, but I’m hoping I have the energy to do some grocery shopping down there. Again, love the forest. Hate the food selection out here in the middle of absolute nowhere. lmao

I do not know how the ketamine is going to affect me just like, frankly speaking, I usually don’t know how fucking any medication is going to affect my weird-ass body. I could be fine and happy as a clam posting about vampires next week! But I could also be out like a damn light and totally uncontactable. So heads up either way.

OH BUT SILVER LINING the doctor did say I’m allowed to take my motion sickness pills before we drive down today, and if you’ve ever been on the roads up in the far northern part of California, you will know why I about cried with relief lmao.

#just me #my notifs have been kind of a mess lately with DD #so if I miss any replies or anything I'm sorry ;;#asks and chats go to a separate inbox so that's a more reliable way to get my attention #look man I know this is a ramble but it's not like LJ still exists so you'll just have to put up with me

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juneberrie · 1 year

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you always have been

thinking thoughts. *ೃ༄ this is very self indulgent im not sorry <3 btw the formatting is terrible 😭 also this is 1.5k words im so proud of myself its literally the longest fic i've ever written

pairing: jj maybank x fem!reader

fandom: outerbanks

warnings: swearing, mentions of being drunk, reader kind of pushes jj away, insecure!reader, stressed out!reader, mentions of jj's trash dad, fear of abandonment, sort of a smau? science hw (yes thats a warning science hw sucks), love confession, hurt/comfort <3

jj's instagram is a mess. it alternates between pictures of random objects, pictures of himself, and pictures of our friends.

lately, all of his pictures have been pictures of him and the pogues at keggers and on the boat. without me.

the most recent one is a blurry shot of him and kie at the boneyard. his hair is dripping wet and kie is holding up a red solo cup, beer sloshing over the side. the caption reads, "my brst girl 😋 ilysn kier.carrera" its so misspelled its obvious hes drunk, even without looking at the picture.

—————

↳ comments

-> jb.wifirouter ong your so drunk. ↳ heywpope its "youre" not "your" 💀 and you're durnk too ↳ sarahcamer0n lmaooo durnk

-> kier.carrera lol ilyt jj 💀 ↳ kier.carrera wsit wring emoji ❤️

—————

i groan and shut my phone off. kie knows i like jj. she's heard me rant about him since eighth grade. its fine, though. i need to focus on school. i get up and silence my phone, putting it into a drawer at my desk before going back to the papers sprawled on my bed.

science isn't my best subject, but i need this extra credit to bring my grade up. and, no pressure at all, this stupid extra credit is due by monday, at its literally sunday night. at least its pretty easy. all i have to do is write an essay about newton's laws and how they function in the "real" world. i sigh and open my textbook to the page on the first law, inertia.

as im scribbling down the beginnings of the paragraph about f=ma, my pencil breaks. well, how fucking dandy. i get up and head to my desk to grab a sharpener, and i pass the mirror next to my door.

i cringe away, then force myself to look back. the girl staring back at me is... not kie. not sarah. she's wearing a big oversized t-shirt she stole from jj and some shorts. her nail polish is chipped and her hair is practically crying for escape from the worn scrunchie.

i tear my gaze away and grab the sharpener. the clock on my desk reads 11:11 pm. i remember something kie said about making wishes at 11:11, so i think, why not give it a try? i squeeze my eyes shut and hope my wish gets to whatever magical star angel being is listening.

after i finish my essay, its 12:23 am. i grab my phone from the drawer and see a flurry of texts and instagram notifications assaulting my lock screen.

i ignore the texts — six from kie and eight from jj — and click open instagram.

my homepage is filled with pictures of the pogues at the kegger they're at. i can't help the pettiness that surges up inside me and i click on jj's most recent story, a video of him, kie, pope, john b, and sarah screaming the lyrics to bohemian rhapsody around a campfire.

—————

you replied to their story

yourinstagram looks like you're having fun :)

—————

i feel slightly terrible, but whatever. every single kegger they've been to this past week, i haven't been invited.

a text notification comes down onto my screen. it's from kie. the preview reads "im soo sorru"

what the hell? i immediately click on the text and i almost start crying.

—————

kie kie ml ♡

bro so dnt be mad but like i accidentally told jj that u liked him

im sorry

answer me please idont want yu to be mad

i dd;t mean to i swaer

y/n?? are you mad??

y/n pleeaas answre

im soo sorru

bro wtf.

ik im sorry but we were playing truuth or dsre and plpe asked if i had acrush on anybody and i sadi no i didn't but ik you did and the n jj asked who and im sorry :)

:(*** SORRY

whatever. go enjoy your kegger.

—————

what the everloving fuck. i specifically told her not to tell anyone, especially jj, and she goes and tells everyone and their mother. i've gotten a flurry of texts from pope, john b, sarah, and other pogues i suppose are at the kegger, all asking me if it's true i like jj. and, speak of the devil, jj himself has been texting me nonstop for the past thirty minutes.

—————

golden retriever lookin' mf 😋

haha kie jus told me the funnist shut

wait is she for real

wait n/n yuo like me

like fr fr?

brp answer me pls

y/nnnnnn

are you asleepo r somethinh 💀

y/n if you dpn't answer rn rn im going ovet to yiur house

—————

shit. jj can't come over right now. i look like a mess, and now im fucking crying. my gaze drifts back over to the mirror; my eyes are red and puffy and tears are streaming down my face and dripping down onto my (jj's) shirt.

—————

golden retriever lookin' mf 😋

jj please dont come over just stay at the kegger and have fun

nooo y/n im already on my wsy so its fine

—————

shit shit shit.

i throw my phone across the room and scream into my bedsheets. the pogues already didn't like me anymore; they had been going out and having fun without for weeks now, and now kie tells jj i like him? my life is fucking falling apart.

a knock at my window wakes me up from whatever sad haze i was trapped in for the last twenty minutes. jj's peering in and he smiles when he meets my gaze. i shake my head and turn away from him.

no bother letting him in, he'll probably just tell me that he doesn't like me back and to never talk to him again.

another knock, persistent, sounds from the window. i sigh and turn back.

i open the window but leave the screen up, so jj can hear me but he can't get in. "go away, j."

"nooo. wait, why are you cryiinggg?" he asks, the booze slurring his words.

"nothing. no reason. go away, please, jj," i say, my voice cracking.

his face softens and he seems to sober up a bit. "n/n, please tell me what's wrong. i hate seeing you sad," he whispers. fuck. i can't, i can't with the fucking blue eyes and the soft looks and the whispers. i open the rest of the window, and jj climbs in.

i crawl under the covers of my bed and face away from jj. i feel the bed dip next to me and he lays a warm hand on my back. its so casual, so domestic, that i want to laugh.

"sunshine, what's wrong? is this about what kie said?" he asks, gently rubbing my back.

the dam breaks. tears start flowing out of my eyes and i started shaking.

"it is about what kie said. i like you, jj, i really like you. no, i- i love you! i love you so much. i've loved you since i first saw you in mrs. williams' science class in eight grade and you laughed when she said that iron was discovered by the hittites. and i know you'll never love me back because— well— look at me! im not like kie, im not like sarah. i'm just... me! and i've been trying to pretend like you guys going to keggers everyday without me isn't a big deal because, hey, i'm swamped with school, even though its fucking intercession. and i knew if i told you, you'd hate me and you'd never talk to me again," i sob into my pillow.

jj is silent for a few seconds, still rubbing my back.

"i love you too, sunshine. i've loved you for the entirety of the time i've known you. and, you're right. you're not kie or sarah, but you're you. that's what i love about you. you are unapologetically yourself. and i'm sorry for not inviting you to the keggers. i just, i knew you were swamped and i know you don't really like parties 'nd drinking and shit. and i just want you to know that im so proud of you, honey, and— jesus, y/n. you're the only one for me. you always have been. you're the person who's been there whenever luke did something shitty to me, you've helped me with my homework, and gosh, dare i say it, you've helped me be a better person."

he chuckles. i feel him press a kiss to the back of my neck and gently bring me towards him so i'm basically in his lap. he wraps his arms around me and lays his head in the crook of my neck. we stay together in a comfortable silence for a few moments.

i sniffle. "i'm sorry, j."

"you're not the one who should be apologizing, sunshine. i love you, so much. i'm sorry if i made you feel like i'd never talk to you again or like you weren't enough; you are enough. you always have been."

#jj maybank #jj maybank x reader #jj maybank angst #jj maybank fluff #obx #obx x reader #outerbanks #outerbanks x reader #jj obx #jj obx fic #outerbanks fanfiction #jj maybank hurt/comfort #hurt/comfort #fluff #angst #[🧸] dear diary

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