i have so many thoughts but none of them are Conversation Thoughts

hey everyone, i’m elle! i’m in the est timezone. i’m nonbinary and i use she/her pronouns. i’m very bad at doing short intro posts but i’m gonna try to keep these short and sweet. so now let’s talk about my boy chan. he is my oldest oc - i've been writing him since 2014. 

[ alex fitzalan, cis man, 22, he/him ] did you see who just walked in? it was that SENIOR, the ╳ + ASSIDUOUS AND  - GUARDED ╳  one? you know, the one who lives OFF CAMPUS, CHANDLER LINWOOD! i heard they are majoring in BUSINESS and they can’t wait to get out of here to FIGURE OUT WHAT HE WANTS TO DO.  crap! stop staring, here they come! 

name. james chandler linwood // when chandler was five, he found out about middle names at school. after asking his dad what his was, he immediately decided that chandler was a way cooler name than james, and has gone by his middle name ever since. one of his pet peeves is people referring to him as james.  hometown. wayzata, mn // suburb of minneapolis major. business // chandler has no clue what he wants to do with his life. he’s been doing some photography gigs on the side since his freshman year of college, so he decided it wouldn’t hurt to get a degree in business so he could run his own shit better. he knows he doesn’t want to do photography as a career long-term, though. birthday. february 11th, 1999 // twenty two years old.  gender. cis man orientation. biromantic asexual // chan is completely out as ‘bi’. most people assume that means he’s bisexual and he doesn’t correct that idea. he’s a lot quieter about being asexual. a lot of people don’t understand what it is, and ask invasive questions, and he’s a naturally private person who wants to avoid all of that entirely.  hobbies. photography, cooking, video games phobias. acrophobia // fear of heights allergy. bee venom

[ BIO ] [tw. abuse/neglect, alcoholism, drug addiction, self harm, depression]

chandler is the only child of john and susan linwood. susan is a doctor while john works for an advertising company. susan has always been a bit ‘out there’, with no brain-to-mouth filter and some very problematic viewpoints and opinions. john started drinking when chan was eight. actually, he relapsed into drinking again, but chandler doesn’t know he had an alcohol problem before that. chandler knew his parents loved him; one of their better parenting traits was making sure he didn’t forget that. but they weren’t mentally present enough to be very good parents. gradually his dad became angry and violent while he was drinking and that, coupled with chandler’s rebellious teenage years, made the linwood home a less and less safe place for chandler.

in high school, he was known for hanging out with the “wrong crowd”. he partied a lot, trying to mentally escape from his home life and normal teen angst stuff. he often mouthed off to teachers and got in trouble on a regular basis. but he also worked really hard in school, taking mostly AP classes while managing As and Bs. not many people knew what to make of that, and acted like he was just a troublemaker that was naturally gifted. but in reality he was juggling challenging school work, a busy social life, and doing all of the cooking and cleaning at home. 

another thing chan had a reputation for was quickly rotating through girlfriends (and boyfriends, but there weren’t anywhere near as many guys to date at his suburban high school). but it wasn’t the situation everyone thought it was. as relationships became more physically intimate, he became more uncomfortable. as soon as sex was suggested, he would end the relationship. in hindsight, this wasn’t the best way to approach dating. but at the time, he had no idea asexuality was a thing and that he didn’t owe anyone sex just because they were in a relationship.

his longest high school relationship was madison. they had mutual friends and started hanging out. madison had a fairly obvious drug problem, but that didn’t bother chandler. a part of him was more attracted to her because of it, although he’d never admit that to anyone. plus she was asexual. this not only was how he found out that was a sexual orientation, but it also took a lot of anxiety out of the idea of dating and chandler fell hard. 

madison easily grew jealous. she was biphobic, hated sharing chandler with anyone, and was often bossy and controlling. yet chandler noticed none of the red flags until it was too late. by the time he started trying to untangle himself from her, he couldn’t. he was scared what she would do to herself if he ended things, and as she became physically violent he was scared of what she would do to him as well. since he couldn’t get out of the situation, and had never learned healthy ways of coping with the stress and trauma in his life, he turned to binge drinking and self harm.

his way out came in the form of an acceptance letter from suffolk university. as soon as he graduated high school, he left for boston and never looked back. 

while he had a great inner drive in high school, that came to a screeching halt once he started college. his motivation had always been to get out of wayzata. but now that he was finally free, he had no idea what to do. at the same time, he was dealing with the aftermath of both his dad and his ex-girlfriend’s abuse towards him. 

while he continued pushing forward, he never found that motivation to really care about school or his future again. he’s in his final year of college and still hasn’t figured out what he wants to do with his life. he feels stuck and frustrated.

most people don’t know about his parents, or his struggles with mental health and self harm. he’s in total denial that he has a problem with alcohol. he simply doesn’t open up easily, preferring to surround himself with a shell that can become spiky if he feels uncomfortable. but he’s always cracking jokes and acting like he doesn’t take anything seriously, putting up a front so nobody looks too closely at the cracks.

[ HEADCANONS ] 

while chandler is shit at taking care of his own needs, he’s amazing at taking care of other people. he will hold your hair back at a party while you throw up, make sure you drink enough water and electrolytes, then make you breakfast in the morning. he’s definitely a bit of a ‘mom friend’, although he doesn’t think he is.

he may act apathetic, but he cares. a lot. he’s a rather empathetic person. unfortunately he has the emotional intelligence of a spoon, so this isn’t always a good thing

sometimes when he’s drunk, chandler starts rambling about video game and/or cartoon conspiracy theories

his yearbook quote was “would you woohoo me in sims yes or no”

also he really likes cooking for other people so if he asks to cook for you please just humor him and say yes

[ WANTED CONNECTION ]

some sort of family member // he’s an only child, so probably a cousin. they don’t have to be from minnesota.

exes // guys, girls, nonbinary people....doesn’t matter. 

fake relationship // for some reason, these two pretend they’re dating. maybe more happens, maybe not.

restaurant service // they can’t cook, so they’re always coming over and eating what chandler makes.

roommate // they could be the best of friends or hate each others guts. lots of room to find the right dynamic

best friend // one of the only people chan trusts, and they know everything about him

classmate // self explanatory

[ DISCLAIMERS ]

i know some people get really touchy about aces being portrayed as sex repulsed so often. asexuality is a lack of sexual attraction, that’s it. some aces like sex. however, chandler does not and that’s okay too!

also i know he has some heavy topics in his writing. i will tag any post that involve these topics accordingly, and always do my absolute best to handle this kind of material in a respectful and empathetic way. 

[ FINAL NOTES ]

so yeah that’s chandler. so much for making this short, but i actually left a lot of small details out. please like this post or send me a message to start plotting with my son.

Hey!! I read your fic (it’s great so far btw) but what headcannons do you have for Beetlejuice’s “childhood”? Or just about Juno I’m not picky

hey! thank you so much! 

every bj fic writer seems to have their own idea of what it means to be a born-dead; personally, I think he was a child at some point, and that once he was fully-grown, that’s how he remains unless he becomes human. 

my hc’s are under the cut! this ended up more as a bio of his life instead of a list of hc’s lmao

his dad never even knew juno could have a child. he left their relationship after one too many instances of juno’s treatment, the whiplash of emotional switching between kind and cruel, and never looked back. within my ‘verse, the netherworld is a mirror of our world, so in this case, he moves far, far away from her, intet on never seeing or hearing about her again. 

she finds out she’s with child weeks after he leaves. she doesn’t tell him.

as for bj’s childhood, it’s the definition of a trauma conga line. juno never directly hurt him, in terms of physicality, but it was a mix of emotional neglect and abuse. she never wanted a child, especially with the one man who’d managed to completely leave her, and once bj was born, that didn’t change anything. she viewed him as something all she had to do was keep alive, i.e feeding him and clothing him, but leaving everything else up in the air. 

I’m a fan of the “it takes a village” trope, and I think that there were at least a few entities who saw her treatment, or lack thereof, of bj and tried to step in. nothing major, as juno’s the head of all of them, but trying to be extra nice to bj and say a few kind words here and there. they might pop up in a future fic!

anywho, he grows as a kid, and is exceedingly bad at talking with the few kids the netherworld has. they’re weirded out by him, both as a born-dead and by his extreme personality. he comes on too strong with everyone in an attempt to show that he can be their friend, and it’s off-putting. everyone is generally creeped out by him. he’s a product of his upbringing; he’s rash, loud, and intensely emotional. no one really knows what to do with him. since he was born dead, he can’t relate to anyone else. born-deads, in my ‘verse, are rare to the point of nonexistence. bj was a fascinating case that no one thought could ever happen. 

there is an education system in the netherworld, which is where teachers go to if they die on the job. because of this, there aren’t many elementary school teachers, and bj isn’t really the brightest bulb in the box, academically speaking. later in life, he tries to fix this via living world education, but it’s hard, y’know? but he does learn how to read/write/do math, even if he’s slow at it. 

juno’s frustrated with him, seemingly all the time. he isn’t smart enough, isn’t good enough, for her, and she tries to be around him for the least amount of time she can be. 

[she has nights where she remembers her own mother, and how she treated her the way juno treats bj. she doesn’t like to think about that, which is where the alcohol abuse comes in.]

as he grew older, juno would inevitably realize the power he has, and she decided to try to play the mom game with him, if only to get him on her side. bj, the definition of heart on his sleeve, immediately took to her and did anything he could to get her to laugh/smile. he’s an extreme people-pleaser, which was only amplified by the knowledge that, if he tried hard enough, maybe his mom would smile at him.

juno uses this for a long time, possibly centuries. she keeps him under a tight leash, and fucks him up pretty bad emotionally. when he does something that she wants, she’ll smile at him, maybe compliment him, but the second he goes against what she wants, it’s the silent treatment. she’ll cut him off, refuse to talk to him until she needs him again, and at that point he’s so desperate for affection he’d do anything to get her to be nice with him again.

they’re something of a “dream team” duo to everyone else in the netherworld. juno’s drive/goals are nearly impossible to fail when bj’s abilities are in the mix, and for centuries, they’re unstoppable. they’re on top of the world, so to speak, even while all of this shit is going on between them.

like many others who grew up in situations like this, he never really realized that this wasn’t how people, living, dead, or other, are supposed to grow up until he sees otherwise. sometime around the mid-1800s, he ends up in the living world on a mission for his mom and sees a family. he lurks around for a few weeks, watching as the kids interact with their family, and he’s just confused at what he’s seeing.

going back to the netherworld, he asks around and, yeah, that’s what most people’s families were like. he,,, doesn’t know what to do with this information. tl;dr he goes to juno, and when he tries to talk to her she starts shutting him out again, and in a fit of rage, he quits. he tells her that he isn’t working with her anymore, and if it isn’t a professional matter, he doesn’t want to speak with her again. he goes solo as a bio-exorcist, and for a bit, he’s doing well.

one bad day, after an even worse week, he’s called to juno’s office. she’s nice to him, knowing that she needs to be kind if she wants him back, and he crumbles. it ends up as a vicious cycle where they’ll be back together, then he’ll quit, and once something bad happens, he crawls back to her because she’s all that he has.

after a particularly bad experience with juno, she “banishes” him to the living world, something she did whenever she couldn’t deal with him. during this solo period, he finds the maitlands. he hears them talk about how they’d raise their child, how they’ll do their best, and he falls for it all. once they die, the rest is history, so to speak.

when lydia comes along, he realizes that he doesn’t have to be alone. he has a friend now, and hey, she likes him! they’re best friends; she laughs at his jokes and treats him nicely and gives him nicknames and -

yeah. when she gets serious about finding her mom, his emotions take the best of him. he’s angry and thinks that she’s just like juno, like everyone else who saw his abilities and used them, only acting nice to get him to do what they wanted, and goes off the edge. 

the marriage is his finale ultimato, his worst-case scenario, but he needs to use it. he needs to get away from the netherworld once and for all, needs to get away from everyone and just be himself. he’s tells himself he’s perfectly fine with being alone once he’s alive, but the maitlands and deetz’s playing with his emotions ends up convincing him to stay. of course, he’s killed right after.

juno taunting him about it all is the last straw for him, hence the sandworm. 

I’d love to write this out as a story in the future, but my current goals for this ‘verse are a sequel to take me where my soul can run and, possibly, a story of bj finally meeting his dad.

Doubt (Part 1 Jasper Chronicles)

(Authors note: Sorry this took so long to post) 4/8/2018 7:49 PM “Wait Wait Wait! What are you doing? “What I need to heat up the potion,” Said Sammy “NOT IN THE MICROWAVE!” yelled Joan it was rare that Joan and Samhain spend time together and sometimes it sparked conversations like that “Why are you making a potion anyway?” “I think it’ll help me and Raffy’s ghost mission” Joan rolled her eyes “We are going to the Goatman bridge that’s 5 hours away in about 2 weeks” “What now?” “Wait does he work this weekend?” “Yup and me” “But aren’t you the manager of the job?” “Oh yeah” suddenly Rafael walked in leaving the door open saying “Just come in dude!” both Joan and Sam were curious now “hey guys” “Who were you talking to?” Joan asked as she took a sip of coffee “oh we have a new roommate” Sam and Joan got more curious suddenly a man with a hood walked in “jasper you can take it off they won’t get scared” “Of what?” Sam asked Jasper then said “if you say so…” he lifted his hood to show his black hair with red and white streaks, grey skin, one eye a normal icy blue the other bleeding and red he attempted to smile and Sam hopped over the counter and said “HOLY SHIT HE IS AWESOME” and ran up to him and Raffy caught them and said “dude chill my mom just rescued him” “Oh so he is traumatized,” said Joan Sam walked up to Jasper and said “hey I’m Sammy” and shook this hand Jasper was a bit uncomfortable and said “h-hey nice to meet you” Raffy went outside and grabbed Jaspers bag and Jasper said “You don’t need to take my bag I’ll probably be in a hotel” “Unacceptable,” Rafael said “You can room with Sammy” he continues to carry Jaspers bag into Sams room Jasper followed “Make yourself cozy dinner will be here in a few” jasper sat on the floor across from Sam’s bed and said “thank you for your hospitality” “No problem dude by the way” Jasper looked up “If you don’t come to eat I’ll drag you” “Good to know” Rafael left the room and shut the door Joan was on the couch with Sam “I swear to god if you out on that stupid sow again!” they noticed Rafael walk in Sam immediately says “What’s the T on the cute new dude” “You find him cute?” Joan questioned “Um yeah” “Sam your taste is weird” Rafael chuckled “I know but still what do you know?” Rafael sighed and said “Well I kinda want him to tell you guys all I know is that my mom wants us to put him back on track in life he is three years behind of everything because he isolated himself” Rafael knew the truth the full truth, but he didn’t want to reveal too much he wanted Jasper to trust him he knew that’d take time “So he is gonna room with us for how long?” Joan asked “As long as needed” “Well does he have a job or..” “Not at all and I’m kinda scared he won’t because of the -” he started pointing at his eye “Well we could probably get him working at the coffee shop but I don’t know how people would respond” “Yeah we all saw how an old lady reacted to your scars” “Ok, THAT WOMAN!-” “Maybe can work with me at the emo store” Sam suggested Rafael thought “that could work” “It would fucking work he already looks like a hardcore metalhead” suddenly the doorbell rang “Shit it’s the pizza” Sam ran on over to the door “Dude does your ADHD ever turn off?” “Nope” they opened the door and grabs the pizza and sodas “34$ will be your total with the coupon” Sam paid the delivery guy with a tip closed the door took all the food to the coffee table “JASPER PIZZA” Jasper came out of the room pulled his hood down and sighed Rafael said “come grab a slice” jasper grabs a slice and says “is it bad this is the first time I’ve had pizza?” Sam looked at him in surprise “bro really!?” “Y-yeah” “How old are you?” “24” “And this is the first time?” “Well my mom never allowed me and my siblings to eat pizza” “Why?” “Welllll my dad left us a long time ago and he uses to work at a pizza place” “That sounds stupid” “She also blamed me for him leaving but she was an alcoholic bitch” “Sounds like Rafael’s bio-dad” “What-” Rafael said as he bit into his pizza Sam was disgusted “Dude I will always say your pizza is disgusting” “Come on!” “Even Joan is grossed out by it” Joan smiled a bit Rafael exclaimed “come on Anchovie, pineapple and pepperoni are good” Sam stuck his tongue out in disgust “I’ll try it,” Jasper said “Bro no it’s gross,” Sam said and grabbed a slice took a cautious bite of it Jaspers face squinted for a bit “it’s not bad” “OH COME ON!”

4/22/2018 10:49 PM “EXCUSE ME, I AM A DEMON” “Well Demon or not I can’t take you seriously with a fedora on,” Sam said “It’s a good hat” the demon kept trying to leave the salt circle but kept failing “Good try that is holy water, salt and sage-infused and we have a witch vampire who has more than enough experience” he pointed to Joan chanting Latin “Why do you mortals make this so difficult?” “Excuse me, sir, I am a half-elf” the demon scoffed “Human but more bitchy” “I mean true” Jasper and Rafael walked into the cabin with silver knives, salt, and holy water Rafael saw the fedora “Woah you caught the hipster goat man” the demon sighed burned his own hat then he started to sniff around and saw Jasper “Woah Woah Woah who is that guy” and pointed at him Jasper was confused and didn’t say anything “He has a familiar scent” “Hey stop smelling him he is a good guy” “I can smell her from here” “Sir I am a boy-” “No, I can smell Mary” Jasper froze in his place Sam said “Well no one here is named Mary and none of us will give our names” Joan kept chanting Latin “Now tell us why you are here?” “I mostly want to know if the bloody eye was involved with Bloody Mary” Jasper starting to get scared Rafael knew something was up Rafael then said, “hey whatever you know about him is-” “How do you know Mary?” Jasper asked the demon smiled “I knew her when we were both humans she is a sadist it’s very rare that she let you go free” “Alright that is enough,” Rafael said “What do you mean rare?” “Usually she takes your soul and kills you, but you must be her puppet” “She already took my soul I-” “Was desperate? Tell me who screwed you over so bad you wanted to summon her jealous ex? Abusive parent? Or maybe it was someone you loved died” ”Shut up!” “Oh so it’s the last part” “JOAN BANISH THE DEMON FASTER,” Sam said “YOU CANNOT BANISH ME I WILL JUST COME BACK” suddenly a knife is thrown at the demon a silver one the demon cried in agony everyone looked Rafael threw it and said, “Stop trying to torment my friend!” “Boy let me go and I will tell you everything you need to know about Mary” Jasper felt intrigued and took a step further the demon smiled Rafael grabbed Jasper and said, “NO he is trying to get you to break the circle!” “Bu-” “Chances are he doesn’t even know who this Mary is!” Suddenly someone burst down the door with a man with round glasses and dyed grey tips “ELLIOT?” “Joan called me 30 minutes ago I’m here to help” he suddenly throws an herb at the demon it screams “What are you doing boy!” “Joan try a different scripture!” Rafael grabbed Jasper and pulled him outside “Jasper what the hell?” “W-what?” “Don’t play dumb dude were you actually going to help the demon out? “M-maybe” “BRO you don’t do that! Dealing with a demon is dangerous!” “YOU DON’T THINK I KNOW THAT!” “That is what is bothering me is that you know but you almost did!” Jasper went silent “I think it was a mistake to bring you with us here, especially knowing you are still recovering” “From what?” “Being tormented by a demon, starving yourself and letting yourself deteriorate over this selling your soul to a demon!” “H-h-” “Mom told me she tells me everything” “Do the others know?” “No, I figured you’d tell them yourself at one point” Jasper looked down “I’m sorry I have been an inconvenience” “You haven’t dude we just need to figure something out”

4/24/2018 3:32 AM She pulled the knife from her chest “was that supposed to hurt?” Jasper was shocked “boy you really have no clue who you are dealing with here” he keeps stepping back “you are a pathetic worm” “B-but” the demon chuckled “I’m not just any demon boy I am, I have spread terror, killed world leaders, I’m only summoned by the desperate…. And the bored” she stepped closer and closer, her chest wound started healing on its own as Jasper was stepping away he backed himself into a wall, the demon smiled and raised her hand suddenly bloody hands come out of the wall forcing him to be still he struggles “You summoned me out of desperation to avenge someone who doesn’t love you” “I SWORE TO PROTECT HER” she places her clawed hand on his throat “When you were a young child making that promise did you really think she’d remember that” “YOU ARE A LIAR” She tightened her grip on his throat and laughs “You really are stupid” Jasper looks down her other hand has a syringe “You expected a blood demon to bring someone back from the dead” a hand covers his mouth so his screams for help are muffled she stabs the syringe into his left eye and draws his blood he is trying to scream, but the hands have completely covered his mouth she took it out his eye starts bleeding the hands release him he falls onto the ground “Type O blood the best” she licks the tip “I might just let you live you were so fun to play with” he starts crying she forces him to look at her “You really are pathetic you know what else WAKE UP!!!” Jasper springs back up out of bed in a pool of sweat “Jasper!” he is no longer being shaken he looks it’s Samhain he starts breathing rapidly “you’re okay you’re okay” Sam hugs Jasper and rubs his back after a few minutes in silence Sam broke it “are you alright?” Jasper didn’t say a word “you were shaking and screaming in your sleep and sweating a lot” “.. I’m fine” “Jasper look at me” Sam takes their gloved hand and puts it on his face moves so they can have eye contact with him, “say that again look into my eyes” Jaspers eyes looked drained “Jasper I know you are not okay” “I am fine” “No, you are not!” Jasper was too exhausted to argue with them. Sam took their glove off “give me your hand” “W-what why?” “Just do it” He hesitantly places his cold hand in Sam’s, Sam’s eyes all of the sudden turn white jaw hangs low “Sam?” they don’t move jasper tries to unleash his hand from theirs, however, it seems stuck in its place “SAM!” Sam comes to eyes back to their hazel color they look at Jasper and hug again “I am so sorry” “What are you sorry for?” “You have sacrificed so much” Jasper pulls away “H-how?” “I have the ability to see someone’s whole life story just by touching them” “For real?” “Yes the only way I can manage it is with the gloves I constantly have on” “So you saw… everything?” They nodded Jasper looks down “I’m pathetic aren’t I?” “No, if anything you are the fifth most badass person I know” “Fifth?” “Well next to my godparents, my stepbrother, Khady, then you” “Wow you put me next to a dangerous assassin whose glare could cut my head off” “Yes, but like you, she’s a good person and the mom of Raffy” ¨I mean you are not wrong she somehow thought I was worth her time ̈ Jasper looked down again Sam hugged him again and said “Nothing was your fault” “I don’t even know what to do” “Well I don’t really know either, but we need to find a way to break you free of mary I’m pretty sure in all the books Elliot has he can find something about her” “We?” “Yeah you can’t do this alone dude and we should get you a therapist” Jasper shook his head “I still don’t know why you want to help” “Because you are now apart of Rafael’s fam and a roomie in the Phantom Crew also you are kinda cute” Jasper blushed he hasn’t been complimented for a while “See you blushing is cute” Jasper covered his face Sam smiled and said “How about we make you some tea and watch TV and talk or don’t” Jasper smiled “that sounds great” “Call it a date” Sam winked jokingly. 5/2/18 5:57 PM “BRO, WHAT THE FUCK?” Jasper and Samhain heard from the living room “Dammit Cody is starting shit again” “What is happening in there?” “Band practice most of the time it turns into Rafael babysitting now keep your hands still” Sam was painting Jasper’s nails “CODY I AM DONE WITH YOUR SHIT” “HEY JOAN WAS TRYING TO PULL A MOVE ON ME” “NO THE FUCK I WASN’T” Joan yelled “Aw fuck Cody is at it again,” Sam said “Wh-” “Cody is jealous Rafael is with Joan so he tries to break them up but this time he is bullshitting and done” Sam put down the nail polish Jasper looked at his nails and smiled they were his favorite color Sage Green “You like them?” “Yes I do” suddenly a crash happened “GET THE FUCK OUT YOU ARE OUT OF THIS BAND” Jasper got up to go to the living room a vase was broken Cody grabbed his drumsticks and stomped out and said “good luck finding another drummer” and slammed the door Rafael just sat on the couch and sighed saw Jasper and said “Sorry if you had to see that” “It’s fine” Rafael began to rub the sides of his head Joan sighed “hun this could be an opportunity to find a new drummer” “Yeah I guess just sucks we have a show tomorrow” Jasper walked over to the drum set and felt the densely beat up tops and found another pair of drumsticks he sat down on the stool behind it Rafael looked at him and said “yeah you can mess around for a bit on it” at first started tapping the skins then tried to drum a song he knew a long time ago for a good minute or two he was lost in the music it felt natural to him Rafael was intrigued by this then Jasper put down the sticks and said “Sorry it felt good” “You are in the band now” “What?” “You are a really good drummer dude!” “R-really?” “Who taught you to play like that?” “I use to be in marching band in high school” “Also it just looked like you were meant to have a pair of drumsticks” “DESTINY!” Sam shouted Jasper was genuinely surprised about everyone’s reaction he kinda blushed at it “Dude we can add you in you just have to learn the songs” Rafael said Jasper thought for a second “I can do that” “So you will join?” “Y-yeah” everyone in the room cheered suddenly the ceiling thumped and someone yelled “KEEP IT DOWN” Sam looked up and said “SORRY MS.HENDERSON” “YOU BETTER BE YALL LUCKY IM LEAVING IN AN HOUR FOR A DATE” “GET IT MS H” “I AM SAMMY” they all giggled then Sam said, “Hey could I take Jasper out for a bit?” Rafael looked at them skeptically “For what? “Shopping we can give him a nice look for tomorrow” “Hmm” “Come on!” “Hmmm” “I’m down,” Jasper said Rafael then said “Sure just be back in an hour so we can practice” “Definitely” Sam grabbed Jasper’s hand and ran off Joan looked at Rafael and asked, “Why were you skeptical about that?” “What do you mean?” “As if you didn’t trust Sam with Jasper” “I trust Sam” “But with Jasper?” “What if I don’t?” “You need to stop coddling Jasper he has made good progress” “Yeah but the mission we went on-” “So he made a mistake so what we all make mistakes recovering!” “Yeah bu-” “Remember when we were first dating and you found out how I fed” “Yes how can I forget you kept vomiting” “I made mistakes while you were trying to help me” “I guess that true” “Then why are you scared?” “I guess because I have a feeling” “You always do” “No like Sam likes Jasper” Joan raised an eyebrow “We all do” “No like the like you and me like” “Oh that’s obvious” “Yeah it is Sam told me when we all went out drinking at the Irish place” “What?” “Yeah so what if they like jasper” “I’m just scared they will both get hurt”

6:15 PM Sam was headbanging in the car jasper was laughing “Yo we are here!” Jasper looked out it was a store a skull and crossbones was on the sign that said “Cold Case” Jasper looked at Sam “Where are we?” “Oh this is where I work we can get an employee discount here” Sam and Jasper both left the car and jasper asked, “Didn’t this use to be in malls?” “Well yeah, but then the owners of the venue said fuck it and made it a regular store” they walked in loud music was put on blast “This is a good song!” Sam said the cahier person said “HEY SAMMY” “SUP BUTTPLUG” Sam grabbed Jaspers hand and lead him to the cashier and said “Hey I have someone for you to meet” Jasper looked at the cash register person they were wearing a crop top that looked like a pentagram, facial piercings all over the face, and a pink and green mohawk “Jasper this is Luna she got me hired here” Jasper felt a bit intimidated by her appearance “Hey dude your makeup is killer” “Hehe yeah makeup,” said nervously “Sam it’s your day off what are you doing here?” “ Well Jasper here needs a new look” Luna looks jasper up and down Jasper was still intimidated Luna smiles and says “Sam I think we can work with him” “Yay” Sam went off in the racks to find something Luna turned to Jasper “But what look do you want to go?” Jasper was confused “You know like emo, punk grunge, goth, etc. or do you want to be a mix like Sam” “I haven’t thought of one” “Hmm well at the moment you are looking like Kurt Cobain” “Who?” Luna tried to conceal her disappointment then Sam came back with a bunch of clothing and said “I got some for him to try on”

10 Minutes later… Sam was patiently sitting outside the dressing room “hey sam I think these pants are too tight!” “Skinny jeans are a good look” Jasper opened the curtain he was wearing black skinny jeans with chains hanging off, a shirt where the sides were cut, and elevated boots “h-Hot” “What?” “Umm uh, Nothing take a look at yourself dude” Sam grabbed his hand and lead him to a mirror Jasper looked at himself he was somewhat stunned at his appearance he usually wears anything to cover up his body seeing himself dressed like this made him feel confident in a sense Sam liked seeing Jasper feel this way it just fueled their feelings for him they had been holding them back for while because they know Jasper needs to heal.

30 Minutes later….

Sam was driving back to the apartment their chest felt really heavy they kept looking over at Jasper looking at the CD’s in the car “What is Your Synthetic Affair?” “Oh that’s an emo band it’s basically the starter pack to being emo” “There are so many labels..” “Yeah it can be overwhelming at times” “I’ll put Synthetic Affair on” “Go for it my l-guy” Sam mentally slapped themselves for that Jasper put in the CD the Album was on shuffle and their song “I constraint your love” Sam then thought “fuck you universe” they let the song play any way they looked over to see jasper looking out the windshield window enjoying the song they felt themselves falling more they pulled up to the apartment complex the song is almost to an end Same was about to turn off the car “Can we stay in here for the rest of the song?” Sam swallowed “S-sure” they sat in silence Sams heart clenched they didn’t know how much longer they could hold it in, suddenly they looked at Jasper and said “Can I do something really quick?” he was skeptical for a second then said “Sure?” Sam leaned in grabbed Jasper’s face and gave him a nice kiss on the lips Jasper was confused at first then accepted it then Sam went back to the driver side and said “We should go inside”

9:55 PM The band was setting up in the club they were performing in Jasper was still processing what Sam did hours before, but after Sam was awkward around him which was unusual he didn’t know why “Hey bud you okay?” Rafael asked “Yeah I am” “You are staring off into space again” “Oh yeah?” “Nervous for the show?” “Y-yeah” He lied he knew how persistent Rafael had been on his recovery he didn’t want to upset him by telling him the moment he and Sam shared Rafael was critical of this, but brushed it off and said, “How good are you at playing the drums with your eyes closed?” “Decent why?” Rafael pulled out a blindfold and said “I know it can be nerve-racking to look at the audience so use this” Jasper took it “thanks” “No problem dude lets knock them dead” Jasper wrapped the wrap over his eyes everything was pitch balck he sat on his drummer stool “NOW LADIES GENTLEMEN AND THOSE WHO CANNOT MAKE UP THEIR MINDS GET READY FOR SMILE TILL IT HURTS!!!!” said the announcer Jasper breathed in and out slowly whispered to himself “let’s do this” he heard the curtain open the audience was cheering “THAT IS MY BOYFRIENDS BAND!” he heard Joan shout Rafael shouted back “I LOVE YOU BABY” they started their set everything was going so smoothly despite Jasper not being able to see suddenly he felt a chill up his a spine a strangely familiar one a sinister laugh rang in his ears he knew then a scream comes from the bathroom behind them Jasper took off his blindfold jumped up and ran towards the scream Rafael stopped as well and said “What’s going on?” he opened the door and saw her a woman with extremly pale skin with bleeding black eyes, antelope horns and long straight black hair holding a woman by the throat Mary smiled and said “nice to see you again Jasper” she dug her claw into the woman’s throat Rafeal came in saw the demon and was shocked the demon smiled and said “Never thougth I’d see the Jade child in person” Jasper suddenly ran towards the mirror and punched it screaming “Ad quos eieci te Speculum Speculum!!!” the demon screamed and dissapeared the woman dropped to the floor coughing Jasper looked at the woman kneeled down grabbed her face she was in shock of what happened and asked “ma’am are you okay?” she nodded he looked at her neck and said “Good thing she did not draw blood” the rest of the band looked at the scene and Rodney asked “What the fuck happened?” Jasper looked at him and said “Bloody Mary is back”

what’s up y’all, i’m emily ! i’m 21, use she/her pronouns, and i hail from the est timezone ! i’m incredibly pumped to be here, but enough about me — time to introduce this absolute unit of a dumbass, charlie. i was gonna do a real bio, but being lazy is a lifestyle so i’m just gonna attempt to do a summary for y’all instead. buckle up pals !

(  sean teale  /  cismale  /  he/him  )  .  introducing charlie santiago, the host for the connard . they’ll be twenty seven years old , and arrived at hartly one month ago . you’ll always see brass knuckles around wherever he is . 

trigger warnings for maternal death, implied child abuse, incarceration, and mentions of alcoholism and drugs.

hello and welcome to a happy childhood, soon to be ruined !

his dad ran out on his mom when she was still pregnant with him, but the two of them were peas in a pod when he was born and he was such a mama’s boy; some of his most cherished memories were when they would cook meals together, experimenting and all that bc once upon a time she wanted to be a chef and basically ? it was precious.

she died tho sry

eleven year old charlie was shipped off to his mom’s brother, a hard-drinking ex-cop named tony with nothing better to do than take out his frustrations on a kid he never wanted in the first place.

one thing his uncle did love, though, was boxing. charlie was dragged along with him to the local gym nearly every day, watching the guys train and listening on as his uncle offered pointers and encouragement to the fighters.

eventually, charlie found himself in his own pair of boxing gloves, participating in scaled-down training of his own, and he loved it.

after high school, he threw himself into training even harder, knowing that his ultimate goal was to pursue boxing professionally.

making it was the most incredible feeling, and charlie was on top of the world — he was undefeated, raking in cash, and rising as an up-and-coming name in the boxing world.

at least, he was, until a substantial amount of cocaine was found in his bag one night.

it didn’t matter how much he protested that it wasn’t his — charlie was charged, tried, and wrongfully convicted of possession of a controlled substance. he spent over a year locked in a jail cell until he was released, but he spent the whole time keeping himself in shape, provoking fights if only for the practice, and letting his rage simmer until he could get the hell out of dodge.

three days after he was released from prison, the outbreak started. talk about shit timing am i right lmao

he waded through zombieland alone, struggling with the abrupt transition from jail to outside to apocalypse but managing to keep himself alive.

two weeks after the outbreak, charlie found an abandoned german shepherd on the side of the road. he took in the stray, naming her lola and nursing her back to health. she now follows him everywhere, and the two are fiercely protective of each other.

he mainly kept to himself, avoiding big settlements at first until everything had a chance to settle ( at least a bit ). he stumbled upon hartly about a month ago, and decided it was time to finally be around someone other than lola for once.

as for personality, he’s kind of a dick ngl, in day to day interactions he’s curt and rude and usually looking for a fight. deep deep deep down, he’s actually very soft and kind, but he’s learned better over the years than to expose that soft underbelly to people.

that’s all ?? for now ?? lbh i probs missed smth but oh well

wanted connections !

surrogate sibling — he never had a sibling but like ? he should’ve. these two would probably bicker to no end, but charlie would be incredibly overprotective and really want the best for this person ( the best = not getting eaten by a zombie, ideally ). he puts on such a front for the rest of the world that i want someone that he genuinely cares for !!

ride or die / best friend — i beg

opposites — he is dumb and angry and mean so let’s rope a nice lil bean into putting up with his bullshit ! who knows if there are any nice lil beans left in the zombie apocalypse, but if there are, i’d love to subject them to charlie’s particular brand of jackass.

confidant — charlie would rather die than talk about all his mushy feelings, but even assholes need someone to trust with deep shit and good gossip !

fwb / fling — tbh, he basically only cares about his dog, but a guy’s got needs, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ fuck the apocalypse am i right ? this is open to all genders !

exes — like, pre outbreak maybe ?? charlie is still a hot mess. could’ve ended well, could’ve ended badly – we can connect the dots together.

suspicions — for whatever reason, charlie doesn’t trust this person. maybe they’re acting shady ( in his opinion ), maybe they didn’t trust him first, whatever. there’s tension, and in a world full of zombies, that can be bad for business.

enemy — charlie is fucking annoying so i imagine he’s got some of these. enemies are an especially dangerous thing to have when you’re already dealing with being attacked by zombies, so i think this would be an fun take on what happens when “humans vs. zombies” becomes “humans vs. humans”.  

in conclusion plot with me xoxo my discord is emily#8589 or hit that heart and i’ll come to u !

Journal Entry #2

August, 8, 2021

***Warning**** Discusions of s*xual ab*se and S*islide****

I want to scream. 

For the last few weeks I’ve been trying so hard to get back into my regular healthy habits- like writing in my journal- but I can’t seem to do it. I don’t understand why it’s so difficult to go to bed at a regular time or meditate for a few minutes but everything seems to be sucking my energy so much.

I’m trying not to be hard on myself and allow grace for bad weeks, something I was working on with Hanna, my counselor (FNFP). But it’s so hard to be kind when everything... hurts?? That’s not the right word but I don’t know any other way to describe it. Everything just hurts and the worst part is that I don’t know why!

Maybe writing here will help me? I really hope it does because this sucks.

My best friend moved in with me at the beginning of the month and two days before she moving day I got into a spat with my... bio Dad.

The fight started as many of our fights do, a stupid comment that fucker (Dad) wouldn’t let go of. we went grocery shopping and, as it has been since I was ten, I was the one left to actually do the actual shopping portion of grocery shopping. 

It’s the first time we’ve been able to do actual grocery shopping since Christmas and Dan’s lost fight to stomach cancer that had us moving to our current place. Why mutli-billion dollar corporations need to impose such harsh contract and lease breaking fines even in the face of unexpected death I’ll never understand. 

(Note for context- Assuming that for some reason someone is reading this-: Dan found out he had stomach cancer in October, by November he was a living skeleton and when January hit he was dead- Karma’s a bitch and no I am not incredibly bitter about all the ways the only other man I trusted hurt and betrayed me)  

Anyway, the near half year of scrambling for a little extra funds and living off other peoples kindness-  Thank the Gods for Hanna (FNFP) and her hampers, no idea how we would have made it without that- Had made me extremely conscious of prices. I was going through the store with a calculator and adding and rounding up by a dollar for everything I put in the cart while keeping an eye out for any sales. I was stressing.

Despite my best efforts the bill still came up to nearly 300. I don’t remember the exact price but it doesn’t matter. On our way out Dad made a comment about it. Now, he makes the same comment about how pricey things are every time we go to the store and on my best days they make me feel guilty and grumpy but this was not my best day. 

It would have been fine if I knew that I could just turn to dad and say “Hey, I know you don’t mean to upset me but it makes me feel really badly when you make those comments because I really tried hard to find the least pricey things I could.” and then we could have a discussion about it but if I had said that he would have just yelled at me to not take things so personally and that if I can’t learn how to take a joke I could start paying rent (Despite me not having a job yet due to covid and the economy in general) then he’d go the guilt route and whine about how he was just a terrible parent and a shit person in general with a nice whopping dollop of “You’re the smart one so you need to fix this.”

It’s exhausting, so instead I got angry and said “Well, if you don’t like it then you can do the grocery shopping and we’ll see how well you do” Do I regret it? A little, but not enough that I would take it back so we continued to quietly get out of Walmart and put the food in the car. 

Here’s the thing about my family; we don’t talk. If you had a fight or said something nasty then you better stiff upper lip it and forget about what was and wasn’t said or you’ll be in for a long lecture about letting things go and not being dramatic. 

So we don’t talk about and just go to A and W for food. Dad had woken me up that morning, said we were going shopping and used food to keep as a bonus- I honestly didn't want food but Dad makes a big deal out of it if I refuse food or treats so...- 

Then I saw a crow.

I saw it out my window and pinched off a bit of bun to throw on the ground near it and Dad said not to feed it because they’re stupid trash animals. This actually really excited me because I’ve researched a lot about crows and blue jays so I was really happy to share this information. So I try to say “Actually, Crows are really smart. They’re members of the corvid family which is known as the smartest bird family” and tell him all about how they can imitate human words and sounds, are know to use tools, hold funerals for their dead and can recognize human faces among other things. 

Unfortunately, Dad was very uninterested in hearing any of this and kept interrupting me to say that they were dumb and gross because they dug through the trash for food. He refused to hear about any of the things I had researched and just kept repeating the same things and interrupting me. I was annoyed to begin with but now I was starting to feel hurt. As a result I was near yelling to try and be heard, while progressively getting more agitated.

Finally, Dad snaps at me about how he can’t say anything to me without me getting pissed off- An extremely common complaint- and brings up my comment in the store. I explained why I was upset and he said something about how he always say’s things like that so I should be used to it and I was just too tired to try and unpack that so I switched to the original thing he said. I told him that the reason I’m always so irritated with him is because he keeps doing things that I told him are an issue.

This is one of my very common complaints, Dad insists every time I bring up an issue that he’s listened to me and he’ll stop but when I month or two goes by and nothings changed he accuses me of calling him a liar when I bring it up again. 

It’s just so much easier to just get angry because then, at least, he leaves me alone for a bit. He’s exhausting and I’m always at my worst when I’m with him. 

At some point during the fight he starts going on about how everything to us kids is abuse now and nothing is good for us. I don’t know what came over me but I yelled “You’re going to say that after what you did” when he asked what he did I said that he s*xually ab*sed me. 

I... honestly thought he would deny it. I thought he would try to gaslight me or.. defend himself? Something. Instead he just... told me that I needed to stop bringing up the past? I... I just, now that I’m out of the situation I’m realizing how wild that response is and I kind of don’t know how to move on from it? So I guess I’ll just continue...

So in the moment I was just ear steaming angry by that response but Dad just moves right on to his usual paying rent and taking my phone spiel and for a moment I’m so angry that I’m calm and I just say that I’m going to live with mom since she knows about what he did. 

Finally, we make it home and I storm over to the door so I can get my pre-packed escape plan bags. Dad yells over “Aren’t you going to help with the groceries” and I yell back that it’s not my problem anymore.

By the time he’s done carrying in groceries I have my bags stacked by the door and he’s demanding to know where I’ll go, that I give him my keys and phone because I don’t get to takes those, I tell him that both are on the counter an continue. My next problem is that he’s standing in the doorway. I’m not sure if he’s going to try and block me from leaving- He has many-a-time in the past- so I shoulder check past him to keep him from doing so. 

He follows me down the front path and asks me where I’m going and if we can just talk about this and to come back inside because he doesn’t want me on the streets. As he’s saying these things I’m realizing that I honestly don’t have a plan that is likely to work out long-term. 

My general idea was to just get to my grandpas and call my mom from there and she could hopefully come down to pick me up sometime that week- She lives in a neighboring city- then I’d go live with her until I’d found a job and place to stay. Unfortunately, that wasn’t likely to work out because my mom and I... have heaps of issues and have never managed to have a visit lasting more then two days were we haven’t fought at all. Plus, my mom has struggled with alcohol dependence and a gambling addiction since before I was born... she’s not exactly a stable safe place.  

Shelters are an option but... that’s a completely unmown variable.

So... I decide, better the devil you know and tell dad that “I don’t want to have to tell people that I’ve s*cked my dads d!ck, it isn’t in the past for me! What you did hurt me and I have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.” 

He looks genuinely guilty in the face of my words so I agree to go back in and talk. 

The talk was extremely unsatisfying. Dad just went on about how he was sorry, that he’d do anything for me and give me all his money. He went on about how he was horrible and everything was his fault- his exact words- and how he felt guilty about how he didn’t make enough money to take care of me and how embarrassed he was by this. The only good thing he said was that he would do everything he could to help me move out. ( By encouraging me to take everything he owned beside the bare minimum he needed to survive)

When I said that wasn’t enough to make up for what he did he demanded to know what I wanted. When I said that I wanted him to take responsibility he interrupted me to demand to know how he would do this. Just remembering this is making me tired. 

I couldn’t come up with anything at the moment and he kept insisting that he’d said sorry and that’s all he could do so...

Oh! At on point he tried to convince me to either beat him or stab him. I rolled my eyes and said that he wasn’t worth going to prison for. He tried to insist that he would lie to the cops. Then he proceeded to go on a tangent about how I shoved past him and said mean things and that it felt like it was “Abuse Dad Time” 

He followed up his pity party by saying that when I left he would probably k*!! himself. I said that after what he did I didn’t care- note; The d!ck s*cking was by NO means the only time he encouraged me to touch him inappropriately, or even showed me extremely inappropriate things it was just one of the bigger no no’s that happened- he threw his his hands up and said “See you don’t care!” as if I was the bad guy??

Anyway, we ended by agreeing that I would live here until I could actually move and that he didn’t get to complain about me being distant anymore.

There was more I wanted to add but it’s now three in the morning and I do want some sleep.

Bye

i dont really have a purpose for this account, and this post’ll probably just be buried. i just think it’d be cathartic for myself to at least get my feelings out somewhere until i manage therapy again. im just really exhausted recently. i visited my partner in hawai’i. i had a good time. my dad died while i was there though. he had cancer and it had just eaten him up. it started as lung cancer but it had spread everywhere else. his bones, his organs; he was riddled with cancerous tumors and there was a mass wrapped around his spine. that’s why he hasn’t been able to walk. wasn’t able to. we had an incredibly turbulent relationship. he was my bio dad. and he was a piece of shit. the abuse and the trauma that he put me through affects me even now, and it’s been years since he’s been in the household with my mom and my sister and i. he was manipulative, two faced, a pill popping alcoholic of a “parent”. it’s been about a month since the funeral. it’s a lot to get into- his living situation and the shitty things he’d said or done that i remember. but with all the pain and guilt and shame that he forced me to carry, im still extremely distraught over this loss. my dad’s dead, ya know? even if he was a bastard. my sister and i are going through his things, slowly but surely. for a guy who had nothing, he had a lot of shit. i was with my partner in hawai’i when i got the news he had cancer and there wasn’t really anything to do. about a week later i called him. he was already on hospice and had come home to his mother to die. he was really tired sounding and out of it. he was in a lot of pain and on a lot of meds. he kept getting confused. i told him that i know we’d had a bad relationship and i was sorry and i loved him. that night he decided to move from the recliner he’d been staying in since he’d gotten home to the bed in the back room. the next day, my mom and sister had been visiting but had taken separate cars. they decided to go back home for just a minute to drop off one of the cars and come back. we live maybe three minutes down the road. within the time it’d taken for my mother and sister to get home and use the bathroom and get a drink- maybe ten minutes?- and my grandma called them and said they needed to get back there. maybe a three minute drive back and he was gone when they got there. i cant type any more right now; it hurts to think how i wasn’t home to support my little sister and properly say goodbye to my dad. i graduated high school like two days before the funeral. this is all recent within the last two months. i finished therapy in february, but i don’t think i can handle being without it right now. i’ve gotta call my former therapist or at least contact the office and see what i can do to get back in. i haven’t been taking my prozac like i should and i’m probably close to bordering on withdrawal at this point. i took the amount im supposed to this morning though, so one day at a time. i’m just really stressed and this is the biggest thing going on in my life right now. my partner left on a nine month deployment just a few days ago, so there’s that on top of my dead dad and the fact that i’m a recent high school graduate and have yet to get my license or a job. im just feeling really low and it’s hard to reach out to people i know in real life. thanks for reading. i just needed to vent.