"Everyone is beautiful? That's just something ugly people say."

PART I - Basic Social Skills PART II- Objective Beauty PART III - The Hate Trap

WHAT IS GOOD ADVICE When you are trying to improve yourself and understand yourself, when you are looking for answers to questions like "why don't I have more friends?" or "Why is romance so difficult?" it makes sense to look for advice from people who are more experienced and who might help you to understand where to best apply your energy. Good advice is effective advice: effective in the short term and in the long term. Good advice contains a few simple actionable things that you know you can do with a little effort. What about Bad Advice? Bad advice might just feel like its wasting your time, giving you nothing you can really *do* -- But the worst bad advice often sounds like good advice when your first read it. There are simple actions you feel like you can implement. It makes sense. It seems to address your problems-- but then this very worst kind of advice instead makes all of your problems worse and introduces new problems. Sadly some people who write advice for people who have questions about friendship, or romance, people who struggle with social situations, will write advice that's ... almost bad on purpose. The goal is to keep drawing you in and needing more of their advice. This is very common when it comes to advice on insecurity about ones appearance, friendships and romance. You may also encounter "advice" on these topics that ... doesn't really tell you anything and just says "feel good about yourself" this advice isn't actively harmful but it can be annoying and the lack of simple actions worth taking probably causes a lot of people to turn to the bad advice. That's what the title of this essay is about. "Everyone is beautiful? That's just something ugly people say." -- Everyone is beautiful is a nice wholesome idea, but its pretty useless to someone who is convinced that they are ugly and that this is a Big Problem. It's easy to become cynical and think there is nothing worthwhile at all in saying "everyone is beautiful" -- to lean into a shallow way of viewing yourself and others hoping that since you are "doing something" it will help. But in the long run? Your problems will only multiply. ARE YOU UGLY There are many reasons people think they are ugly:

Others have told them they are ugly - Even if the people who called you ugly are "correct" it's still an abusive thing to do to another human.

They compare themselves to remarkably beautiful people who are so good looking it's their job. Not looking like a model or actor is not "being ugly" to say so is hyperbolic and self pity. Most people, even some of the coolest people in the world who lead exciting lives, aren't as good looking as models. When you think "I'm so ugly." stop that thought in its tracks and replace it with a more truthful thought "I'm not so good looking that could be my one and only job. But, really I'm good enough to do the things that I want to do and meet the people I want to meet."

You have something that makes you stand out in your peer group: this could be if you are a different race than most of your peers, or if you are shorter or taller-- Even having red hair in a group of people who don't have red hair can make a person feel like they don't fit in. Even if you don't care much about fitting in on a conscious level-- this out of place feeling can work below the surface and make whatever makes you stand out a little feel much bigger than it really is. Also some of your peers may simply be rude or even abusive (see 1)

You have a distorted self image - this can be a hard one to deal with, and in very bad cases it can become a kind of mental illness. Think about someone you know who good looking and imagine how you'd feel if they said "I'm so ugly." You might want to correct them. You might feel like they are fishing for compliments. You might think they are just exaggerating. But imagine how sad it would be if they really believed this. Every time they'd look in a mirror they would see an ugly person. They would feel self conscious and try to hide perhaps. Now... is there a chance that you might be a little like that? If you looked at yourself from the outside? If this is still a struggle it might be good to try talking to a therapist. You can't keep going around thinking you are ugly when you aren't, it will get on people's nerves if they don't know you well and break their hearts if they do.

You really are just kinda ugly - It's impossible to write a way to test if this is really true or if one of the other items or a combination of the other items might be a better fit. But, it's true that some people have an appearance that other people aren't accustomed to, or they are very far from the average in some aspect of their appearance. And it really makes some things harder because people can be judgmental. If you really are "ugly" maybe the answer is to say "so what?" --So often what people really mean when they say "ugly" is different from what's considered normal. So if you really are ugly? So what? Aren't you still a person who wants to do the things that you care about? Meet people worth talking to? Find romance? (if you like the idea of romance.) There are certifiably ugly people who have lived amazing lives. If you decide to stop looking at your appearance as the only way that you can be likable or happy you can be one of them. And you don't have to say "everyone is beautiful" to make yourself feel better. Each time you find yourself thinking "I'm so ugly." -- stop that thought and think "so what?" instead.

The only consequence of your wholesome speech about 'curating your own internet experience' and being responsible about what happens to you is that it leans towards borderline victim blaming; haters are not going to stay away once they blocked if they really have it out for you or they want to steal your content; that's entry level knowledge and the global experience with the internet as a whole summed up. Tumblr makes it very easy for anyone to repeatedly come at you no matter how many times you block them. I've had a stalker linger on my blogs even after repeatedly begging them to leave me and my friends alone. I started a new blog and this person followed me. So, tell me how is it so "safe" for anyone to self protect by mere blocking? It isn't our fault if someone makes a new blog and continues to harass us and or steal our art/gifs/content. As someone who claims to have been on Tumblr your whole life you should this all this. It is very simple to get around blocks, especially when they have back up.

These are great points, and you're not wrong, but it isn't what my post was about. I wasn't talking about your or my own safety against dangerous people in fandom, I was talking about the idea of shielding oneself from triggering or uncomfortable content.

I realize context was lost by not publishing the original ask (I thought it was a little too baity for fandom drama) but it was about *me* being the dangerous one. My point is that someone being into kinky shit that you don't like doesn't make that person dangerous, and it's everyone's responsibility to curate their dash to see content they actually want to see.

Unfortunately Tumblr does suck at keeping people safe, you're right. I've had those experiences too, and Tumblr never helped when I made reports. And my only point bringing up the bullies is the irony that I've been targeted and "outed" as a dangerous person, and I'm not, and I'm saying that people who have stalked & harassed ME have ironically tried to claim it was a moral crusade. Advice I have against that type of abuse is a different topic and one that deserves its own post to breathe, and tbh I'm not sure I'm the right person to make that post. I've tried to keep myself safe the best I can and I'm positive that if I tried to share anything helpful that I'd be read in bad faith and have more anons about how I didn't cover every person's unique situation and frankly it's fucking exhausting. There's only so much we can do when operating on Tunglr Dot Com if the TOS and moderation does not give a fuck about us, and that's not something I can fix for you.

We're having two different conversations right now and I'm sorry that my post didn't apply to your experience. I was talking about my own experience of being labeled/targeted because of how often I like to talk about Armand's asshole and I think maybe there was a miscommunication somewhere.

Can I ask how you decided when you and Stephen should get married? My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years and she’s very much The One — I can’t explain it better than that. But I know marriage is still very far off and honestly it feels ridiculous to mention it “aloud” even though I can see us marrying quite vividly. And it bothers me that for the next what 6 or 7 years (we’re 21) we’ll be in the same “place,” just girlfriends, because no one I know who went to college marries 1/2

Before 27. It just would be highly unusual. (The other exception being folks who are very religious, which we aren’t.) “Why rush, why not wait until you’re more financially stable.” Which I don’t disagree with, but it feels hard to not be able to recognize the significance of our relationship before our late 20s… I’m so sorry if this is way too personal, but — what went into the decision to marry then? Did you get pushback? Was it considered atypical? No plans to marry now but… (2/2)

Ooh this is a very good question. I’m happy to talk about it; thanks for asking!

Obviously, our faith had a lot to do with us marrying young, as we chose to save sex for marriage (which gets difficult after awhile, lol). But we also had other valid reasons that weren’t related to that.

Honestly, it just felt like the right time. Like you said, we knew we were each other’s “One”, without a doubt. We were already committed to each other, and we wanted to make that commitment public and official. We were knowledgable about and felt mature enough to handle the ups and downs that might come with such a commitment. We already knew each others’ biggest weaknesses and had worked through a lot of struggles together. We were both willing to put each other first and look out for each other’s best interests. 

It was also, contrary to popular assumption, a financially viable option for us at the time. We were never well off in those early years, but as full time students with zero income, the financial aid we got (aid, not loans) was enough to not only cover our education but also to live on. (Applying for financial aid was occasionally a job in and of itself, but it was infinitely easier to manage than a full-time job that wouldn’t meet our needs as well.) That got us through our remaining years of college. 

The most difficult part was post-college, when Stephen was unexpectedly unemployed for a year due to the economic downturn and we no longer had any source of income except for my minimum wage job (definitely not what we had planned). Our savings went a ways towards helping us get through, but things would have gotten very bad without our families’ help. 

As an aside, help from family is something I’m not ashamed of, even though in our American culture it’s kind of looked on askance. My grandparents generously helped my parents when they were in dire times (including taking us into their home for a year when my dad was too sick to work), my parents helped us during that hard year post-college, and I am certainly planning on passing on this generosity to my future children if need be. “It takes a village to raise a child.” And not just children — as per the Irish proverb: “It is in the shelter of each other that the people live.” Our notions of independence are rather rare in the world, I think. Also, if families (and when that fails, the community) did their part and looked out for each other, I don’t believe homelessness or extreme poverty would be as much of an issue.

Anyway, I think that financial stability, while a very important and worthy goal, is not what makes or breaks a marriage. It can put strain on it, yes. Like any struggle, it has the potential to result in a break, but if you lean into each other through it, you can grow and heal stronger than before. The times when we were really struggling financially were in retrospect really good for us. We grew and learned a lot together and came through those struggles stronger for it. 

Even if you’re financially stable to start with, you can’t guarantee you always will be. In the end, you can never know for sure when or how the next struggle will come — you can only be sure that it eventually will. Struggles will always come in a marriage, but it’s our choice what to do with them, whether to lean into each other or turn away. 

Anyway, we did get a few negative reactions from people, but fewer I’d think than the norm because again, it’s more common among religious people to marry earlier. In the end, the negativity was something we just chose to ignore. The time was right for us. It didn’t matter if some people doubted we were ready due to our age. We knew we were ready. (And those who truly knew us best agreed.)

The norms change over time and from culture to culture. My grandparents married in college (my grandpa was 18 and a freshman, my grandma was a senior). Their loving and faithful relationship has spanned many, many decades and is still an inspiration to me. My other grandma was 17, and her marriage lasted, too. Yes, some young marriages can end poorly, but that doesn’t mean marrying older can’t end poorly at times, too. Honestly, maturity matters more than age. And a willingness to commit, and already knowing each other very well. We knew it could be done because we’d seen it in the lives of my grandparents and others.

While we were mulling all these things over, weighing the pros and cons of marrying in college, we read an article about other couples who married at our age and how they were managing college, and it encouraged us greatly. Just knowing it was possible (especially the financial aid thing) and that there were others out there doing the same helped a lot. It may not currently be the norm, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t many people doing it. The “norm” isn’t a good thing for everyone.

In the end, there was really no good argument against us marrying when we did. It would be an expression of the commitment we already had, it would make it easier to stay true to our beliefs, it would be financially viable (even if a struggle at times), and we were both as well prepared as we could be. Anyone who doubted would eventually be proven wrong. And in the end, we wanted more than anything to journey and learn and grow through this time in college and beyond together, as one. And so we did. :)

I hope all that is intelligible — it’s 3 am and I’m already half-asleep — but those are my musings for now. Let me know if you have any more thoughts/questions! And best wishes to you and your girlfriend, whatever you choose to do