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oppaspearl · 10 months

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𝙏𝙝𝙚 𝘼𝙧𝙩𝙨 𝙊𝙛 𝘾𝙤𝙣𝙛𝙚𝙨𝙨𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 (𝙆𝙈𝙂)

Pairing: Idol!Mingyu x Non!Idol reader Genre: heavy angst. Summary: It's time for him to throw his mask off. Words count: 14,009

PART I | PART II

Six Months after your departure Nine months after your break up.

“Why did you not answer my texts?”

Minyu let out a sigh as he just opened the door of his parents ' house and was greeted by Minseo. It was in the middle of spring when Mingyu decided to go back to his family's house and spend his day off with them. These couple of days have been tiring for Mingyu, especially when he just wraps the world tour and Pledis has given Seventeen some days off before they prepare for the awarding schedule.

While Lisa was on tour and rather than spend another sad day alone in his apartment, Mingyu decided to spend his days off with his family since it had been such a long time. Even though Mingyu always keeps in touch with his parents through online chat, Mingyu just needs the warmth of being at home with his family.

He missed it.

He missed them.

Standing not too far away from him with a hair roller in her bangs, Minseo looks at his brother who just looking very tired. Her eyes scanned him from head to toe while Mingyu stood not too far away from him with open arms. Minseo knows that her brother is handsome, but Mingseo also knows that her brother is more than tired. She can see it pretty clearly from the bag under his eyes, how his cheeks have gone a little bit thinner, and how his hair got longer than the last time she met him. Among the little things that Minseo noticed, Minseo could see pretty clearly how his eyes screamed the longing for something.

Something that Minseo knows very well.

Without another bickering, Minseo sighs and walks towards her brother before giving him a tight hug. The smell of Mingyu’s perfume was very clear on her nose as Minseo buries herself into her brother's jacket. She can feel his long arms wrap into her body and he puts his chin on top of her head. Besides the fact that Mingyu’s hair was longer than before, Minseo also noticed that her brother was bulking which made her warmer than before.

“Yah, next time answer my text, will you?” Minseo asks with her voice muffled by his jacket.

Mingyu nods his head. “Hm, sorry, I was driving, remember?”

“Arra,” Minseo nods, pulling her head from Mingyu’s chest to look straight into his eyes without breaking the hug. “Mom is in her nap, but she cooked lunch for you, have you eaten?”

“Not yet, eat with me?” Mingyu smirks.

“I already have lunch with Dad,” Minseo replies. After the sentences left her mouth, Minseo could see that Mingyu’s gaze changes to something like… disappointment? The changes in Mingyu’s gaze made Minseo frown softly. But not even until five seconds later, the frown on her forehead went away as she understood the unspoken reason from Mingyu. Minseo then let out a soft sigh before brushing his hair from his forehead and said, “But I can accompany you at least?”

Hearing his younger sister made Mingyu grin which resulted in Minseo rolling her eyes at him playfully and breaking the hug. Minseo can see how Mingyu’s eyes lit up with happiness after she agreed to accompany him to have lunch. But Minseo also cannot lie that her heart aches as she realizes that something has changed in her brother.

She knows very well that her brother is hiding something from her.

“Where’s appa?” Mingyu asks as they walk into the living room with his suitcase in his grip.

“He went out fishing with his friend,” Minseo answers from the kitchen, as she takes a bowl for her brother who now sits on the dining chair. “He will be back on four, I guess.”

Mingyu nods his head, opening some food containers in front of him. “Good thing he went with his friend, other than Minghao.”

“What happened if appa went fishing with Minghao oppa?” Minseo asks, handing the bowl to Mingyu.

“Thanks,” Mingyu mutters and accepts the bowl that is already filled with brown rice. “His son is already gone home, but he chooses to go with his son's groupmate… It’s totally so weird.”

Minseo snorts. “Maybe you should take a break more often and go with the old man,”

“I wish I could,” Mingyu sighed and looked up at Minseo who was staring at him with an unexplainable gaze. She was sitting right in front of him, looking up to see her brother who was just about to have lunch that their mother made.

If Minseo can be brutally honest with her brother, the only thing that she wants to do since three months ago is to punch him in the face and tell him to make up his mind again. But then as time goes by and Mingyu sitting right in front of her, Minseo can see that he already realized it. Which was supposed to be good right?

Maybe three months ago, Minseo would just be saying, “Enjoy your karma for choosing the wrong person, and look you now waiting for her to be back–to love you like the old times.”

But now? All Minseo can see is a drastic change from her brother. Even when the moment he steps into their house, Minseo can see the difference. Among Mingyu's friends, Minseo was also one of the people who witnessed so much love between two people. She was also the one who listened to Mingyu’s rambling about you, and how he fell in love with you. Looking back, Minseo was sick enough to see how her brother was crazy over you.

So when Mingyu texts her about the break-up, Minseo is the first one to feel a great loss.

Minseo was grown up with an older brother, and parents. Not that Mingyu was not a good brother, he is indeed a very good and caring brother that she always has. The brother that her friends always talk about and wish to have. Minseo was lucky to have Mingyu as her brother.

However, deep down in her heart, Minseo was always missing an older sister role.

It’s not that she can’t talk about her problem with Mingyu, but sometimes she also needs a sister that will give her a new perspective with a more inclusive approach. Yes, she can have a girl talk with her mother or her friends. But then as Minseo and her mother get older, she realizes that not every topic can be spoken about because again she just didn’t want her mother to be worried. On the other side, Minseo also cannot tell her friends the way it is, because she knows not everyone has the genuine intention of being friends with her.

With you coming into her life and how you can listen to her problem, Minseo feels like she has the sister that she always prays about. Mingyu dates a lot of girls with pretty faces, but you are a different story from them. For Minseo, you are one of the beautiful girls who not only has a good appearance but also a very good attitude and listener. You are also very calm and yet independent, which Minseo realizes that it was one of the things that made you more beautiful than any girls that Mingyu dated in the past.

“Are you okay?” Mingyu snaps Minseo to reality.

Minseo straightens her position and nods, “Gwenchana,”

“Are you sure?” Mingyu asks again. “You seem to have something on your mind,”

“Just some work and college stuff,” Minseo gave him an assuring smile. “You should eat more, Eomma cooked your favorites.”

Mingyu just looks at his sister with a pure blank expression. His eyes focus on how Minseo put some food in his bowls with a soft smile on her lips. Mingyu knows that the current things on Minseo's mind as she sits in front of him, are not about her work or even her college life.

It was similar to what Mingyu had on his mind for these past months.

“Minseo-ah,” Mingyu put down his chopsticks and sighs. “I’m sorry.”

Minseo stopped what she doing, but her gaze was not focusing on Mingyu. She just looks down at the table because she can feel tears flowing in her eyes and the last thing she wants to happen is to cry in front of Mingyu. So then, she braves herself up and blinks her tears up then looks at Mingyu.

“What do you mean?” Minseo frowns. “Minseo-ah, you know what I mean,” Mingyu spoke slowly before looking down. Even without asking, Minseo knows that Mingyu is currently trying hard to not cry in front of her. Watching that view in front of her made Minseo’s heart break a little. For the first time in her life, Minseo watches how fragile Mingyu is with her own eyes.

The golden retriever brother was long gone.

“Oppa,” Minseo sighs and holds his hands that were on the table. The warm hand of her on his cold one makes Mingyu look up at Minseo. “Gwenchana, you got me, okay?”

“But–”

“Don’t,” Minseo shakes her head, cutting off Mingyu's sentence. “We can talk later about it once you feel ready, for now just… take a rest.”

Mingyu sighed and tightened his hold on her hand. With a small smile on his lips and eyes on hers Mingyu mutters a soft thank you at her.

Nodding her head at her brother, Minseo smiles and takes some food for him. Her eyes were back on him, watching the man eating the lunches that their mother made. A lot of curses that were waiting to be pulled out of her mouth suddenly just disappear as Minseo watches her brother closely.

Despite the biggest mistake that Mingyu has made in his life, Minseo can help it by wanting to hug him tight, telling him that he has her and that it is time for him to forgive himself.

But now the important thing for Minseo is to see him back home after he lost it months ago.

Hectic.

The one word that can describe how your life in New York for the past couple of months. Meetings, classes, online meetings, classes, tests, community gatherings, adaptation, and many more were the things that occupied you starting three days after you landed. Not that you didn’t expect there will be an easy life once you land in the city that always becomes on your wishlist to live in, but to be true you feel like everything happened so fast.

Faster than you thought.

Everyone in the world knows that New York City is one of the busiest cities in the world, besides Seoul. There were no days for you to finally have your mind calm without thinking about the tasks for tomorrow. On the bright side, you still can enjoy your weekend even if it was from your apartment or even going for brunch with your friends. But still, you missed the day off that made you didn’t feel anxious as you rested yourself and didn’t do anything for a whole or even two days in a row.

By the fourth month of your stay in New York, you could say that you already made some progress and even in the past you will be shocked when you find out how big the progress was. At your new workplace, the team respected you and thankfully you get along with most of the employees very well. You also feel very lucky to have such an amazing, caring, and hard-working team to lead even when most of the team is younger than you. The work environment is also very good and supportive, which you couldn’t ask for better than you have here. Shortly, you could say that your new workplace slowly becomes like your home.

The same thing goes with your uni life. Working and becoming a student at the same time was never an easy task, but somehow you wanted to become one of them since you entered undergraduate school. What made this time different than the first one, was probably because of your experience before and also the environment. Most of your uni friends are the same as you, who work eight to seven for five days, having some corporate issues to be solved while also having some uni projects that also running. They are also very helpful and supportive, which you are grateful for.

Deep down, you let yourself enjoy that kind of hectic although you have to listen to Suhoon grumble on the phone every night telling you that you need to loosen up since he realized that you grow busier every day.

“Have a rest on the weekend, take a stroll in Central Park, have a pizza in Brooklyn as we used to, I don’t care, but please just don’t drown yourself for work on the weekend.”

That is what he always said to you on the phone every Friday as you walked back to your apartment from your office. Even when you and he have separated a thousand miles away from each other and not forgetting the time difference between Seoul and New York, Suhoon never missed his shot to scold you for working on the weekend. Sometimes, you realize that he slowly acts like your parents and your brother.

Suhoon may know you very well, but one thing he doesn't know is how easy it is for you to lie to him every weekend. Enjoying a quiet breakfast in Central Park? Watching one of the shows on Broadway? or enjoying a quiet night at the Met Museum? those are just plans that you want to do.

you didn't do it all.

In fact, on Saturday and Sunday mornings you prefer to enjoy your breakfast by looking at the view of Central Park from inside your apartment. With classical music echoing throughout your apartment, you sometimes wonder how Suhoon will react to your lies all along. There are no quiet nights at the Met Museum, there are only you in front of your computer screen, working on documents that you can actually work on for the next week or two.

The point is, you always keep doing your job because that's all you can do to escape everything.

Run from his shadow.

Piles of documents, college projects, and everything is just your escape and will always be your escape. At least until he's completely out of your mind. Fortunately, no one knows about it except you.

Talking about Suhoon, of course, you can't tell him about this. God, you are sure that this man will immediately buy a plane ticket and be at your apartment door when you just wake up if he finds out. You don't want to disturb them, you don't want to disturb their very busy lives just because of your obvious love problems that have run aground and can't be fought for.

There were times when you thought that Suhoon might know everything, but in fact, your lies tricked him.

Your lies managed to fool everyone, except yourself.

You can't lie and hide the fact that you often think about him. You see him from time to time on your computer screen, and sometimes you see his face from one of your team members and they give a weekly report presentation. From what you can see, he looks healthier, bulkier, and of course that face.. that handsome face that sometimes accompanies you in dreams on some nights. He is even more handsome with his new haircut, his hair is now black. The hair that you usually comb with your fingers when you're hugging each other in the cold of the night.

Maybe your decision to go to New York was a brave enough thing, but after seeing him quite happy with what he has now, you realize that you have made the right decision.

For him and yourself.

And that's what's on your mind while your eyes are glued to the view of the fountain that is in front of you at that time. Under the crescent moon and towering buildings, you sat in one of the chairs with a cup of hot chocolate in your hand.

Among the crowd who are busy with their activities, you choose to sit alone. On a cold Friday night and after spending time in your college library, you decide to sit in Bryant Park. The warmth that comes from the hot chocolate that you hold and the black coat that you wear is enough to accompany you in the middle of this cold night. At least that's what you tell yourself.

Exactly on the same day today, you set foot for the first time in New York with lots of hopes and wounds that you can't even express in words. For people who are new to you, they might think that you are very happy to move to New York. Getting a scholarship to NYU, owning an apartment overlooking the Central Park scene, getting promoted as Digital Communications Manager from one of New York's top PR agencies, and you name it.

You are happy.

Of course, you are happy. After working hard for several years, you finally got what you always wanted. You worked hard all this time to get it, even though in the end you have to be brave enough to get hurt.

It's not his fault, but you also know it's not your fault. But all this is only a matter of time. Opportunity comes to you when he also gets a second chance to love the person he has loved so far. If you just look deeper, this is an opportunity that benefits both of you. However, in the end, you have to accept the consequence, namely losing it.

But isn't it all worth it?

You lost it, but you got what you wanted all along. He lost you, but he will also get what he wanted all along. In the end, you both lose each other and get what you want.

It might hurt a little, but you know that it will hurt you a lot more if you hold it in a little longer and live in the illusion you two created to keep you together. An illusion that will pull you deeper into the pain. How can you live amid that illusion when you know how it will all end?

Your thoughts were resolved when you felt your cell phone in your bag start to vibrate and made you carefully place the cup you were holding next to you.

With the phone still vibrating, you realize that someone has called you. You took a deep breath, preparing yourself to hear Suhoon nagging. It's time for Suhoon to call you, even though you also ask why he has to call you in the morning in the South Korean time zone.

Instead of seeing Suhoon as your caller, your eyes read a familiar name. That person called you after weeks of silence. It was very strange for you because you knew he was preparing for his return and you knew that the preparations took quite a long time so you didn't expect to get a call from him.

Your mind immediately runs in all directions.

Did he call you because something happened?

Your body begins to shake slowly while your mind tries to mentally prepare you for what is about to happen. Your thumb is right above the screen of your phone as if hesitating to pick up the call. In the midst of your confusion, you decide to accept the call. Take a deep breath, then hold your phone to your ear while closing your eyes to be ready for what will happen next.

“Yeoboseyo?”

Your voice is low, too low for someone whose heart is beating fast. You don't understand why you have to be this scared, but all you can do is hope that everything is okay.

“Anyeong, YN-ah,” his hoarse voice greets your ears for the first time in weeks. His voice is still the same, but the volume of the way he greets you on the other side is much bigger than a while ago. You open your eyes slowly. Your back which was previously in an upright position then rests on the chair you are sitting on. Breathe out of your mouth slowly.

He is at home.

Luckily.

“Yeoboseyo?” he asks again when you didn't return his first greeting. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," you nod your head as if he was around you even though he was thousands of kilometers from your current position. But you don't care about that, you care more about him who is on the other side of the world.

"It's me," he says before sighing. "I'm sorry I haven't updated you in a few weeks—"

"I know you're busy preparing for a comeback, oppa," you say, cutting him off. "You don't need to apologize." “Still, I want to apologize.” the man sighs then asks, "How's New York?"

With a snort, you then reply to him, “You just called me in–what? Seven in the morning–to ask about New York?”

“YAH! I’m being serious here,” he grumbles.

“New York is fine,” you reply with a small smile on your lips. "You don't have to worry about New York, it's still bustling."

"I know that," he chuckled. But his laugh only lasts for a moment, indicating he will ask a question that you know very well will be directed at you. "How are you tho?"

"I'm busy," plainly, you said.

"Seems the same as the last time I asked you,"

"I know," now it's your turn to sigh. But unlike him, you sighed as if you had found peace. Although it is not. "I just wanted to let you know I'm busy."

"All right, it's up to you," he said. "If your busy life makes you happy, then I'm happy for you."

"Thank you." There was a moment of silence between you. Maybe there he is considering what to ask you next. However, you are here just transfixed by the view of the buildings in front of you while holding back your tears from falling.

It's a good thing he's not near you at the moment.

“YN,” he calls your name, making you blink. "You don't have to lie to me, you know that?"

Shit, he knows it.

"You know you can tell me, whatever you feel, how many times do I have to remind you of that?" Even though his voice is low, you can tell that he's a little irritated by your attitude. But even though there was a sense of annoyance contained in him, he still tried to hold back his emotions. “I know,” you silently let out a groan. “But seriously, I’m pretty busy these days.” “Wait, are you even already at home right now?” he asks.

Again, you shake your head, but then you remember that he is not around you. “No, but I just got back from the last class for this week.” “Where are you now?” “In the park,” “New York has a lot of parks, you know?”

You sigh. “Bryant, I’m at Bryant Park now, Happy?”

“Kind of,” He chuckles a little bit. “You should take me there time, I’ve been dying to have a picnic in New York parks.”

“You rarely do picnics when you are in Seoul,” you point out, smirking like you were challenging him. “And for your information when people go to picnic, they have coffee or even some food that is easy to bring, not soju.”

“Hey, my love for soju is unlimited!” he bickers on the other side, causing you to let out a small laugh. “Besides, soju is suitable for every situation, including a picnic.”

“For you, yes it is,” You sigh. “For the rest of us? We’ll pass.”

“Let’s stop talking about my love for Soju,” He sighs. "By the way, why aren't you sleeping? Isn't it already eleven o'clock in the evening there?"

You shake your head. “I've been wanting to go to the park since morning, to clear my head. How about you, shouldn't you be preparing for the recording session?”

"How did you know?" he asks in surprise.

"Well, in case you forgot I'm still taking care of some PR activities for your group, you know that?"

“That's true,” he replies curtly. “Actually we are on holiday at the moment.”

With surprise, you then raise your eyebrow at his response. It shocked you because for all this time, exactly after spending almost five years as their PR, they rarely took off days at their comeback preparation. You know how tiring the process of the comeback preparations is, but you are also wondering what made them decide to take days off in the preparation timeline.

It also made you wonder about him too.

“Oppa,” you call him softly. “Can I ask you a question?”

“You know damn well you can, YN-ah.”

“Is he okay?” you take a deep breath as you can feel tears in your eyes. "Is he… happy?"

The question just came out of your mouth, without a signal as if your brain was talking. You don't even know why you're asking that crazy question. Shouldn't you be asking about it again?

"YN," he said your name in a tone that seemed to give you a warning. A warning that your question could open old wounds, or even worse, open new pages of wounds.

"Am I not allowed to know?" you ask.

Again, you don't understand why you are so brave.

“I think.. he tries to be okay and happy,” he sighs slowly and you know that he doesn’t want to explain the next thing that will leave his mouth soon. “I think it’ll be better if you know by yourself, you know? But if you are ready for it.”

You remain silent.

You're completely speechless. He's right, at least you have to know directly without any intermediaries. But the question is are you ready? Are you ready to open communication with him? Are you ready to hear his familiar hoarse voice that you have missed for the past few months?

You and yourself know very well that now is not the right time to do it. Right now you have to be the one who stands far from him, watching him live happily with someone who also makes him happy—with someone he has wanted for a long time.

But as easy as turning the palm of his hand, the man who is still on the other side, knows what you are thinking. This leads him to say, “I guess what I want to say is that you deserve your healing time, you’ve been through a lot for the past months. Heck, I don't even know what to do if I were you–I may be in the streets now, crying my ass off and drinking nonstop. It may be hard for you because I know you are still thinking about him too and I know damn well how much your love is still for him. Forgive yourself, forgive everything that has been done, and please live happily, so that you can make yourself happy because you deserve to be happy after a long journey. Your time to let go of everything has started since you left Korea, YN, and I know that you can go back stronger, arra?”

Without you noticing, your cheek has been wet due to your tears. You cry because what the man said was true. You still think about him, but you also did not be fair to yourself who was still wounded. Working for fifteen hours a day, drowning yourself in tight and busy schedules, you realize that you have never actually been kinder to yourself. You are still blaming yourself for losing the one that you love.

“Don’t cry,” the man says like he can see you now. “It’s seven in the morning here, and I don’t want to be a sad boy today.”

You just smile as the tease then nod your head again to your phone. “Sorry.”

“No need to be sorry, I’m the one who should apologize for pulling that joke.” he chuckles a little bit. “It’s okay to cry, YN. I guess it has been hard, for the past few days?”

“Kind of,”

The man hums. “You’ve been doing enough, okay? Stop pushing on yourself too hard, take a rest, and please-pretty please-make yourself happy, arra?”

“I’ll try, oppa.” you sigh softly. “But–”

“No, buts.” the man cut you off. “Forgive yourself, okay? Take days off and have a rest, do something you like or you want to do. You are in New York, for fuck sake, the city of everything. It’s time to be kinder to yourself.”

Hearing the man's speech makes you smile wider. He has always been like this besides Suhoon and you realized that is what makes you miss him for his absents in the past few weeks. But you also know that what he just said, is true. It’s time to be kinder to yourself.

“Okay,”

“I just spoke more than five paragraphs, and you just said okay? I can’t believe you,”

This time you laugh. “Okay, I’ll do it like what you said.” “Good, because I’ll visit you soon so I hope I see your happy face, arra?”

Hearing that he will visit you anytime soon, your eyes automatically widen. “Jinja? When?”

“Probably at the end of this month,” he replies. “I’m bringing two friends who won't wait to see you,”

“Seems I know who is it.” your smirk. “Give me a spoiler, will you?”

Even not around him, you know that the man currently rolling his eyes at you. “Fine, it’s Joshua, you know I need a translator when I go shopping later.” “You have me,” “I’ll spend two weeks in New York, which means I have ten weekdays and two weekends, I don’t want to disturb you,” he explains. “I also don’t want to wait for you to get shopping, so I’ll bring him.”

You smile. “Make sense,”

“I know,” he chuckles. “And YN?”

You just hum to respond to his calls.

“Kkuma is also coming with me too,”

“YAAAH JINJAA?!”

That day Anyang was noticeably colder for a spring day.

For some reason the wind today felt stronger, causing lots of fallen leaves to fly around aimlessly. However, the strong wind that day did not dampen the enthusiasm of many people for the weekend. Under the night sky, some people spent their time in the park whether it was spending time with their loved ones or even jogging.

Who can usually jog at night with this strong wind?

That thought floated in Mingyu's mind when his eyes caught sight of someone jogging from the balcony of his room. But if you think about it, why did Mingyu decide to finish his bottle of beer on the balcony of his room even though the wind was quite strong outside?

There is only one answer to that.

Mingyu just wanted to stop all the arguing in his mind. At least just for tonight.

Spending time with his family from the morning does make him feel more alive, but it's times like this when he's alone again arguing and those thoughts come back. The disappointment in him was immense and he couldn't stop it. More precisely, Mingyu felt it was the right thing for a jerk like him.

Mingyu misses you more than anything he wants in this world.

But Mingyu also loves Lisa.

Right?

Mingyu loves Lisa and... you?

He knew it was wrong not to be able to choose the one he loved. Mingyu first knew Lisa and long before you came he fell in love with her. They fall in love with each other. Then you came into Mingyu's life as a foreigner who has responsibility for his group.

Mingyu remembers very well how you kept your distance from him. You do talk to him, you two are then fairly close as work colleagues. But your closeness is still far away when compared to your closeness and that of several other members such as Minghao, Seungcheol, Joshua, and Dino. Mingyu feels that when you're with them, you can laugh a lot more and talk about things he doesn't talk about. He's even quite surprised when he finds out that you often spend time with some of his members, whether it's buying coffee together, going out to dinner, or watching movies together.

On the one hand, Mingyu feels that his relationship with Lisa is a bit strained. Mingyu and Lisa's schedules always crash date schedules that are often canceled suddenly due to comeback preparations, and Lisa whose name is becoming more and more famous as time goes by. Mingyu still loves Lisa, and he will still love Lisa, but he also really misses her presence. Mingyu misses the warmth that he always got from Lisa whether it's from her arms or even from how he acts towards Mingyu because that's what made Mingyu fall in love with Lisa. Her personality, their similar, to the other little things from Lisa.

The decision of the two of them to end their relationship was an easy decision based on the results of the discussion between the two of them.

Nothing is holding one back from fighting between the two. They believe that maybe now is not the right time for them to have a relationship as lovers. Mingyu is of course sad and a little disappointed by what happened. But that feeling then slowly disappears as he often starts spending a lot of time with you.

Mingyu didn't expect it.

Of course, he didn't expect it since we're talking about you here. Everyone who works has a high professionalism ethic, but for Mingyu there is something different about you. You're cold, but at the same time, you're one of the nicest people to everyone. More precisely, you care about your surroundings but you also don't hesitate to look cold.

But as many people say, eventually the ice cubes will melt if someone heats them. As time goes by, you and Mingyu start spending time together. Mingyu saw that you were starting to work up the courage to open yourself up to him over time. And, at that time, it wasn't only you who dared to open up yourself, but Mingyu too.

Mingyu only realized it when Seungcheol said that he noticed a difference from Mingyu after the end of his relationship with Lisa. The difference that Seungcheol meant was Mingyu's sad look which then turned into a look full of comfort when you stepped into the room. Seungcheol isn't a leader for nothing without his power to find out what happened to one of his members within seconds. At that moment, Seungcheol knew that Mingyu had found the warmth that had just disappeared.

Yes, comfort and warmth from you.

It was hard to admit at the time, but at the end of this cold night, Mingyu realized that what Seungcheol said was true and unfortunately Mingyu has lost that warmth now. It's funny to think back on how Mingyu made sure many times to Seungcheol about his feelings for you. Mingyu knows Seungcheol, really knows him. Just as Seungcheol could easily tell what was going on with him, Mingyu could also see the warmth and comfort in Seungcheol's eyes.

It took the same fifty questions for Mingyu to confirm Seungcheol's feelings for you. Fifty times the question then resulted in the fact that Seungcheol was dating one of his old friends and of course that surprised and relieved Mingyu at the same time. Mingyu was surprised because all this time Seungcheol kept his relationship a secret so neatly that Mingyu didn't know about this fact.

Mingyu is also relieved because it means he has a chance to be with you, as more than a friend.

The sound of the door opening tore all of Mingyu's thoughts.

Spontaneously, his head that was facing the view of the buildings now turned back to see who would join him. Right behind him, Minseo stood with a cup in her hand even though she was already wearing her cute pajamas.

"May I join you?" Minseo while closing the door with her foot.

Mingyu nods then frowns, "Of course, but why aren't you sleeping yet?"

"I can't sleep," Minseo replies while sitting in front of her brother. Now the scent of camomile tea wafts through Mingyu's nose as Minseo puts her cup on the table. The steam from the tea then accompanied them both. "What happened to you?"

"Huh?"

"Why aren't you sleeping yet?" Minseo asks. "And why are you drinking outside? It’s pretty cold here.”

A sigh left Mingyu’s mouth then he leaned his chin to his hand. “Just feel like to,” "Why aren't you sleeping yet?" Minseo asked after they were struck by silence for a few minutes.

Mingyu's finger which was playing with the top of the beer bottle stopped slowly before he finally answered, "I can't sleep, what about you?"

"Same," Minseo replied then folded her arms in front of her chest. "Looks like I had too much caffeine this morning."

“You always drink too much caffeine,” Mingyu said with a crooked smile.

"Said people who can drink americano three times in one day."

Mingyu who heard what she said just chirped. "Well! I need some caffeine to get to the gym!”

"I also need caffeine to live, in case you forgot."

"No, I haven't forgotten because you still need me instead of your caffeine."

Minseo who was in front of him just rolled his eyes and then snorted after hearing that sentence come out of his own brother's mouth. What he did then made Mingyu chuckle, shook his head, then took a sip of the half-bottle of beer. Mingyu's brown eyes now looked at the scene behind his younger brother. Even though the night wind was starting to get strong on the back of his neck, somehow Mingyu at least felt calm.

The peace he missed.

Meanwhile, Minseo, who was sitting across from Mingyu, was now looking at his older brother intently. Mingyu's hair is now long, even if Minseok remembers it, it's currently the longest hair his older brother has ever had. Minseok is reluctant to say it but at least his brother still looks handsome. His body also looks bigger than before. It makes his body look dashing with muscles that are starting to form. His shoulders are getting wider.

Now Minseo understands why many of his close friends have started asking about his older brother. Even though some of Minseo's friends have beautiful physiques, the girl is still reluctant to introduce her brother to them.

No, it wasn't that he didn't trust his close friend.

More precisely, Minseo knows that right now his brother is still confused with a big dilemma. The dilemma that made Mingyu a little away from Minseo in the last few months.

The dilemma finally made Mingyu lose his home.

“Oppa,” Mingyu glanced at Minseo who now her gaze fell on her hands on the table. "I have a confession for you"

"What confession?" Mingyu asked with a mischievous smile. "If you say I'm more handsome than the person you like, keep it, I already know that."

“I'm serious,” Minseo glanced at Mingyu. "I think it's time you knew about this."

"Okay, tell me."

"Me and Seungcheol went to meet YN unnie at the airport at that time,"

Not more than ten seconds after the sentence left Minseo's mouth, Mingyu's shoulders immediately fell limp slowly. Minseo who was in front of Mingyu was still reluctant to make eye contact with him. Without having to raise her head and look straight into her brother's eyes, Minseo knows that what she just said will bring a long silence between the two.

With a long and slow breath, Minseo straightened her sitting position. Her hands are now resting with her elbows on the table. Mingyu was speechless. It's like a dry wound being doused again with alcohol. Did he feel… confused? angry? Annoyed? Mingyu honestly didn't know if he couldn't tell the difference between all of them, but after those words came out of his sister's mouth, his body and mind immediately froze.

"I know I should be able to give you a warning that she's leaving," Minseok continues, still looking down and doing her best to avoid her brother's eyes. “I know that I should have told you about everything before her departure, giving you the chance to see her even for the last time. I'm sorry, oppa."

Minseo now looked up and looked at Mingyu with two eyes full of tears. She couldn't help it, the guilt was big enough and it continued to grow with time. The blame then grew again with her seeing the changes that had happened to his older brother. Minseok isn't a kid anymore, she's old enough to understand issues from any point of view. And it doesn't take much maturity for Minseo to know what happened to Mingyu.

Everything about Mingyu is visible to Minseo. Even though his physique is far from messy, Minseo knows clearly that Mingyu is currently less than fine. Today as her brother visited her and their family, all her thought about him was right. By starters, his gaze was different like it lacking of something. Second, Mingyu was quieter than usual although they had a conversation after his lunch, but still, it felt like he pulling himself for her. Third, Mingyu avoids his parents’ questions about you which leads Minseo to tell their parents (in secret) that you have been caught at work. Lastly, Mingyu was caught busy with his thoughts at the family dinner earlier which was rarely to happen. Also, Mingyu has been avoiding Minseo for the last few months.

Minseo knows everything.

Without her having to ask Mingyu what's wrong with him. How many times he tried to hide it from her, Minseo can tell right away.

In the meantime, Mingyu just lowers his head and avoids meeting his sister’s gaze. Mingyu couldn't lie that what his younger sister had just said was something easy for him to accept. Because in fact, Mingyu tried his best to sound okay even though right now his heart and mind were screaming aimlessly and full of anger and confusion.

“It's not your fault,” Mingyu said slowly. “I understand why you did it and I would have done the same thing if I were also in your position."

“…”

"Can I ask about something?"

Minseok nods her head. "Of course,"

“Is she…” Mingyu sighed and then blinked his eyes as he felt that the tears starting to well up. Inside his mind, Mingyu seemed to be saying to himself that right now is the right time to let down all his ego in front of his little sister—one of the people he trusted to tell his feelings apart from his parents.

It’s the right time for him to take off the mask he had been using for the last few months.

As if understanding her brother's intention, Minseo nods her head slowly then she holds her brother's hand which was also placed on the table right in front of her. Minseo knows that her brother is crying and that is not a problem at all for her because she knows how long he has been keeping it up by himself.

“She was trying… to accept and adjust her life with what happened,” Minseo answered. "Same with you now. It’s also been a hard time for her, and I know it even though she tries so hard to cover it up in front of me."

After finishing saying that sentence, Minseo then heard a sound of sobbing that was soft enough to make her look up and see Mingyu's shaking shoulders. Minseo's eyes were now glued on the scene in front of her. She could even feel Mingyu's hands shaking as he cried.

“I know what's going on,” Minseok begins. “I'm not going to judge you, but I also can't defend you for what you've done because I know how deeply you two love each other. To be honest, I also don't understand why you prefer someone from your past when you've already gotten the person you deserve all along. But if your choice makes you happy…” Minseok sighed. "Then I'm happy for you."

Silence enveloped both of them again.

This time it wasn't an awkward silence, but one where they understood each other and what was going on. Mingyu still bowed his head, drowned by the words of his younger brother and also his tears. Everyone knows that Minseo is the last person who will judge Mingyu for all the decisions he has made, but Mingyu also can't lie that he feels disappointed with how Minseo explained her views. Because just like Minseo, Mingyu was also disappointed in himself and the decisions he made.

"You still love her to this day, aren’t you, oppa?"

Actually, without having to ask this question, Minseo knew the answer very well. As easy as turning a hand, Minseo easily knows the answer just by looking into Mingyu's eyes. It doesn't take many words to describe it and it doesn’t take a long time for Mingyu to explain to her, because Minseo knows very well that Mingyu still loves you.

He loves you very much to this day.

"I also know that you still care about Lisa," Minseo smiled sadly before she continued. "But don’t you think that all of this is also unfair to her? Yes, you choose her and you are here with her now, but oppa.. we both know who is the person that your heart wants now and it’s not her.” Again, there is no answer from Mingyu as he still drowning in his thoughts, thinking about what Minseo just said.

Minseo sighs. “Now, I just want you to ask yourself a question, do you love her? Or are you falling in love with the idea of her not being alone and you can always be there for her?”

“I don’t know,” Mingyu opens his mouth to speak and looks up from his lap. In front of her, Minseo can see how red Mingyu's eyes are. There is no rainbow that she can find in his gaze, there is just a big storm and dark clouds. “I-I just want her to be okay–to be happy because I will be too if she is..”

“Then you have to let go YN, oppa.”

“I can’t,”

Minseo frowns softly. “Why?”

“I just…” Mingyu shakes his head, as tears come down his cheeks again. “I just can’t do that, Minseo-ah.”

“You have to, oppa, you hurting yourself and Lisa if you keep doing this.”

“I can’t, okay?” Minseo can hear how trembling his deep voice is even as he still lowers his eyes. The deep voice seemed to be shrouded with a thick layer of fear and despair. “I still love her, Minseo-ah, I always will love her.”

“You love her, but still you did not choose her at first,” Minseo sighs. “Isn’t that already too late, oppa? You let go of her first by choosing Lisa and did not fight back for her when she called everything off. She let you go because she loves you even when she knows that she can no longer be your happiness. If you really love her, you wouldn’t be here now, not in this situation, and neither could she.”

“I know,” Mingyu nods slowly. “But I can’t, I just… I know it’s all my fault. I know that I should have stopped her at the moment when she turned her back on me for the last time, I know that I should have asked her for forgiveness instead of being silent when she called it off, and I know very well that I should have chosen her before I make my decision. I know I’m too late to realize all of this, and if there is any chance that I can take to be with her again, to apologize over and over again at her, to have that chance to let her know that I love her so much, I’ll do anything… I’ll do anything for her—for us. I’ll do anything to let her know that she’s the only one that I want for all this time. I’ll do anything for her to stay,”

Minseo can only just nod, as fat tears now stream out from her eyes. Now both of them were drowning in each other's tears. His breathing is heavy as if he had just run thousands of kilometers. His deep voice now turned even more hoarse as if he had just screamed with all his might. His two tear-stained eyes now looked at Minseo's pair of eyes which were also filled with tears.

“I tried, okay?” Mingyu sighs. “I tried my best to forgive myself for what I've done, for not fighting when I still get that chance. I tried to live with the decision that I made, with my own decision that led me to lose her. I tried all that but letting her go? I can’t and I’ll never will. Even when she is already far away from me, even if she’s happy with someone else one day, I’ll love her, Minseo. I always love her but I also cannot lie that I want Lisa to be happy with me..” “You hurt yourself, oppa.”

“I know,”

“...”

“I guess you already know that she gave me this jacket for my birthday,” Mingyu begins as he smiles proudly at the jacket that he wore which leads Minseo shocked about it. “Suhoon gave it to me after he announced that she left the group in this big white box with a white ribbon. He didn’t tell me at first but I know it soon after I saw her writing on the tag. Do you know what he said? He said to me, “Mingyu, please open this box when you are ready.” I know that he is concerned about me, but I didn’t do as he said.”

“What did you do then?”

Mingyu slowly nods his head, “I said fuck it and I open the box. My heart and my mind were going crazy, you know? Asking and making sure that I’m ready for it. Even Lisa asked me about what bothered me since I became silent that evening. I think I was ready, well stupid of me, thinking that I was ready for what would happen next after I opened the box. Do you know what was the first thing I saw as I opened the box? there were two polaroids of us and two folded papers. She wrote me down a whole paper of birthday wishes, showering me with her love in her own words. I was so happy, but then I read the second letter.”

“The letter of her forgiveness for leaving you,” Minseo cut him off. “She told you to love Lisa with all your heart, wasn’t she?”

Mingys frowned his brows, as he heard how his sister cut him off. While Mingyu was lost in confusion, Minseo just looked at her tea blankly. Her slender fingers which previously held Mingyu's hand, now gripping her cup. Surprisingly, there was a faint smile on the girl's lips even though she didn't look at Mingyuyu at all.

As if Minseo already knew about the box long before it landed on Mingyu.

While Mingyu was lost in confusion, Minseo just looked at his tea blankly. His fingers which previously held Mingyu's hand now gripped his cup. Surprisingly, there was a faint smile on the girl's lips even though she didn't look at Mingyuyu at all.

As if Minseo already knew about the box long before it landed on Mingyu.

"I know what she wrote for you," Minseo said right before Mingyu asked him a question. "I know that she asked you to love Lisa because you deserve your happiness, I know that she asked you to forget it--I know everything because I was there. She didn't want me to know but one day before her departure I found two letters on the table along with the gifts she prepared for you,"

"You know all this already?"

Minseo nods and still avoids Mingyu's eyes who are now looking at him with pain.

There was a sense of betrayal in Mingyu's tone as the question left his mouth.

It was painful enough for him to know that Minseo and Seungcheol were right beside you just before you left. The universe seemed to hold no pain for Mingyu, even at that time Mingyu felt that the universe was deliberately stabbing him with painful realities. All of this felt so painful because the people who knew about all this were the people closest to him. Two people that Mingyu has trusted about his feelings so far. Two people that Mingyu never thought would choose silence when something big was about to happen in his life.

"oppa--"

"Does Seungcheol know about it too?" asks Mingyu in a colder tone. "About all this?"

"I told him first," Minseo replies... "She didn't want me to tell Seungcheol about her departure, because she knew that Seungcheol would tell you before her departure."

"And you prefer to tell everything to Seungcheol instead of telling me first?"

Minseo's body immediately trembled when she heard Mingyu who started to raise his voice. Without having to ask, Minseo knows that now his brother is starting to fill with emotions.

Instead of apologizing, now Minseok looks up and looks into his brother's eyes with a sharp gaze. "Yes, I prefer to tell everything to Seungcheol instead of telling you first. I prefer to tell you after she left. Do you know what the reason is? Because you deserve all of this."

Mingyu widens his eyes. "W-What do you mean? Can't you see the state I'm in right now? Can't you see how much I miss her? My life--"

"Shouldn't you have thought about that before you decided to leave the people you love to make people happy in the past?" Minseok sighs. "YES! You're my brother, but you don't deserve to feel that you're the only one who feels hurt here. Were you there when she cried every night? Did you ever think about how she felt after you decided to choose your past? When you just kept quiet and let her make her way to leave your life? Gosh, did you even fight for her forgiveness? No, right? You just stood there and let her go, you decided to throw her away and back to your past.”

“You don’t know–”

“Enlighten me then!” Minseo stands from her seat. “Enlighten me about your reason, enlighten me with the stupid reason that makes you throw the best thing that ever happened to you! Because I cannot find anything that you thought until all this happens makes any sense. If your only reason is because you want to make Lisa happy, then I guess all this is fair right? YN let you get your happiness, and you should too.”

“But I’m not happy-”

“Do you think she is?” Minseo scoffs. “Do you ever think about her feelings as you decided to ‘help’ Lisa? If you did, none of this would happen. She will not be leaving, she will be here with you. All this happened because of your decision, and… the pain that you feel now is your consequence. Her departure is the consequence of your choice.”

“...”

“I know I’m wrong, by not telling you everything, and I’m sorry for that.” Minseo sighs. “But I hope that you can choose yourself, choose the person that has already been there for you at your worst. I just want you to taste your own medicine, it’s hurt–Gosh I know it hurts you, but all of this will end eventually if you let YN go just like how she did to you for your own sake, for your happiness.”

Mingyu just lowers his head as Minseo just stands there and watches how her brother cries one more time that night. She did not want to be this far, but if she did not do this, she knew her brother would always running in the same loop. Above anything she wants right now, Minseo just wants that you and Mingyu find your happiness.

Because she knows that both of you earned.

Even if it hurts.

Even if there was no you and Mingyu in both of your happiness.

“I’m sorry,” Minseo wipes the tears that came out of her eyes with the hem of her sweater. “I know you've been through a lot this past few months and I was there too seeing her having all this. I just want you to… be careful about your own decision, I don’t want you to put yourself in a situation like this. I know you want to make Lisa happy because she was there for you in the past, but I also want you to know that you don’t owe her anything. What both of you started in the past was already done too, there was no you and her anymore.”

Mingyu just nods his head and still lets his cry out. Minseo had never seen her brother act like this, crying hard and looking fragile. For her, Mingyu always be the one that she looks up to the most. To be brave, confident, and… to love someone with all her heart.

But now, in front of her, Mingyu was dropping all his masks.

Mingyu took it all off and let his guard down.

Slowly, Minseo walked to her brother, kneeling to his level, and gave him a tight hug. Her tears just freely flow to her cheek as she can feel her sweater-covered shoulder starting to wet due to her brother's tears. As Mingyu cries, she can feel how hard his body trembles in her arms. She wraps his muscular arms around her body and hugs her like there is no day after tomorrow.

Tightly, Mingyu hugs Minseo with all his power.

Hoping that it was you.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers in between his tears. “I’m so sorry,”

“It’s okay, you are okay, I’m here, we are okay.”

Minseo nods her head as her tears come out more than before. Her hands tapped Mingyu's broad shoulder. It was one of her habits when she tried to calm him down, to make sure that she was always there for him. Like another language of her saying that Mingyu is safe.

As the night got colder, both of them were drowned in their tears. The “sorry” word never left Mingyu's mouth as he cried Minseo's arms that night. There was a string on Minseo's heart as she hugged her brother closely.

On that night, as her warm perfectly wrapped Mingyu's body, she has one hope.

Minseo only can hope that there will be you in Mingyu's happiness, even if it takes a long time for him to fix everything.

I want to talk with you.

Alone.

A heavy sigh left Seungcheol's mouth as he read his younger member's message that already dropped on his phone notification two days ago. Noticing the red light color change, Seungcheol then softly throws his phone to the empty passenger seat next to him before he puts his focus back on driving. His Mercedes was smoothly running above the snow-covered road, while his mind was somewhere deep inside.

Seungcheol can’t help it.

Yes, he can’t help to think about the possibilities that will talk about later. Seungcheol was ready with all his reasons because he knew all of them made sense (from his and Minseo's points of view). But if Seungcheol could tell the truth, he was not ready to see his closest member fall apart. Seungcheol is not ready for the consequences that he has to face, even when he already knows about it the first time before he jumps into it.

Both of the people were his best friends.

The two people that he loves and care about.

But to think and do like what Mingyu did, Seungcheol cannot imagine himself doing that to someone that he loves the most. Mingyu was always one of the members that close with Seungcheol and they share their own stories. Seungcheol sees Mingyu as his own younger brother, and yet Seungcheol still cannot understand why Mingyu can let you go so easily.

Especially when Seungcheol knows how deep is Mingyu’s love for you.

Shortly, Seungcheol can read Mingyu easily like an open book. It was not strange for Seungcheol to see Mingyu sacrifice himself just to make people happy. For Seungcheol, Mingyu was one of those people and this time Mingyu sacrificed the most precious thing in his life and caused big damage.

The big damage came slowly but bigger each time.

The big damage that brings Seungcheol to drive to Mingyu's apartment tonight.

Seungcheol knows pretty well what Mingyu wants to talk about and it was nothing more than you and him. The leader also knows that Mingyu may think that Seungcheol did all of this because he likes you.

Well, the truth is Seungcheol always likes you.

Seungcheol likes you more than he likes his high school crush.

Seungcheol knows he can provide you well.

But one thing Seungcheol knows for sure is that he is not Mingyu.

He never can be Mingyu.

Seungcheol’s wagon pulls up in the familiar parking basement. The heaviness in his heart was starting to become more and more as he drove his car and found an empty parking spot near the entrance. As soon as his car was perfectly parked in one of the empty spots, without thinking twice, Seungcheol slid out from the driver's seat and made his way to enter the building that he knew so well.

The sound of Seungcheol's footsteps as he walked into the lift, was still far louder than the sound of his fast heartbeat at the current time. As the lift becomes higher and higher, Seungcheol can’t help his mind to think about you, about Mingyu. It was no lie when he said he wanted to help Mingyu, but it was also not a lie when Seungcheol said he also wanted his dongsaeng to feel all of this.

Ding.

The glass door of the lift slides open as it already reached the 17th floor which is Seungcheol's destination. In front of his eyes, Seungcheol was greeted with an empty and cold hallway made him take a very long deep breath before stepping outside. Feeling that he was ready, Seungcheol fastened his walk tempo before stopping at a familiar door. Ready or not, he has to be ready for his questions. Not until a minute after Mingyu presses the doorbell, the familiar door that was closed now opens and reveals one familiar figure. Below his black caps, Seungcheol gave the person a small smile before walking inside.

The smell of wood and fresh-clean room cologne was lingering around Seungcheol's nose as he walked into the living room. There was still the empty yet clean living room it was too neat for Seungcheol. “You want a drink or something?”

Seungcheol just snorted as the question left Mingyu's mouth. He then sits on the couch, as Mingyu just standing at the end of the couch. “Drop that question, will you? I know where is your fridge.” Betrayed, that was the only thing that Seungcheol could see in Mingyu's eyes. He knows Seungcheol knows that the person that stands in front of him, already knows what happened. Like a bomb that just waits to explode, Seungcheol just gonna wait there and see when his dongsaeng will explode at him.

“You said you want to talk about something?” Seungcheol asks. “What happened?”

Mingyu sighs before crossing his arms and leaning on the coffee table facing Seungcheol. “Why don’t you tell me what happened, hyung?”

“Is it about our group?” Seungcheol sighs. “There are a lot of things that happened in the past–” “Drop that, I know.” Mingyu’s cold yet sharp voice cut Seungcheol’s sentences. “You know, no, you were there when YN leave, right? At the airport?” “Yes,” Without waiting for Seungcheol's next question, Mingyu then asks, “Were you also helping YN for her moving to NYC?” “I am, Mingyu, is that all you want to–” “And you are the one that helps YN transition to the New York office?” Surprised and without his knowing, Seungcheol widened his eyes. “Mingyu–” “You are the one who did it right, hyung?” Mingyu just blankly looks at Seungcheol. Like someone who has been tortured from day to day, Mingyu did not cry. No, Mingyu was too ranged to cry at the moment. “Why didn’t you stop her, hyung? Why did you push her away from me?” “Mingyu,” “Why?” without Mingyu's notice, he raised his voice. Never have Seungcheol heard Mingyu raise his voice at him, but tonight is different. Mingyu was mad, no, Mingyu was furious. Even with his naked eyes, Seungcheol can see it clearly in Mingyu’s eyes and he cannot blame him for it. “Why it must be you? The one that I trust the most? Why does it have to be you that help her leave me here?” Hearing the sudden changes in Mingyu’s tone makes Seungcheol drop his head. He knows that it will happen, but why is he never prepared to face this type of Mingyu? Seungcheol was there all along, from the moment Mingyu said that your relationship was done and Seungcheol can see how Mingyu tried so hard to face it like usual. When Seungcheol knows well that the younger couldn’t do that. Seungcheol knows because he also saw it on you, how you pretend to be okay while you also try hard to hold yourself from being broken.

“Mianhe,” Seunghceol's deep voice ripped off the silence between the two of them. “Mian, Mingyu-ah.” “Is it because you like her?’ Seungcheol raises his head to see Mingyu who stares at him with the same cold glance. “You always like her since the beginning you met her, right? That’s why you help her?” “Mingyu-” “You thought this is your shot to be with her, hyung?” Mingyu asks, ignoring Seugncheol who tries to explain. “Is that how badly you want to be with her, hyung? That bad? So you just help her to leave me here without any–” “Yes!” Seungcheol's deep voice ripped Mingyu's sentences. Now, the older already raised from his seat, glaring at the younger with indescribable emotions in his glance. “Yes, Mingyu, I want with YN that bad. Yes, that’s the reason why I helped her leave you it’s because I finally got my chance to have her look at me like the way she looked at you, I want her to love me as she loves you. And you know what? I have that chance because you let her go, Mingyu.”

“...” “I like YN, Mingyu, I always do,” Seungcheol sighs and looks away to the city view. “But I’m never you, I will never be Mingyu that YN loves and I know that. YN never looks at me with so much love like how she looks at you, you know why? Because all her love was on you until you let her go.” “You know I love her,” Mingyu looks at Seungcheol with tears on his face. “You know that but you keep it all from me?”

Seungcheol sighs slowly. “I’m sorry,”

“How long?” Mingyu asks with a trembling voice, looking to the floor. “How long have you still been in contact with her?”

“Until now,” Seungcheol replies softly.

Mingyu nods his head slowly. “Is she… okay?”

“She is good,” Seungcheol nods. “She’s been asking you too.”

“What did she ask?”

“She asks about a lot of things,” Seungcheol replies. “Mostly she asked about how are you doing, about your sister, about you handling the tight schedule. She even told me to always warn you about your daily vitamins.”

Mingyu could only listen with a heart that felt like it was being stabbed by thousands of sharp blades. But besides that, Mingyu felt a bit of happiness amidst the gray sky of feelings.

You're worried. Mingyu knows he's too selfish to think you're still thinking about him, but Mingyu can't lie to himself either. Some nights, while Lisa was fast asleep beside him, Mingyu woke up and looked up at the ceiling with questions in his mind. Oftentimes, Mingyu wonders if you've been thinking about it all along.

While he's in Seoul, looking happy with his choice, how about you in New York? Did you have time to think about him? Did you find your happiness in New York? Does New York treat you?

And hearing that you often ask Seungcheol about him made the man born in 1997 feel a bright spot from these several months full of darkness. Even though the bright spot was a little dim, if Mingyu could be honest, he felt a little more alive than an hour ago.

"Did she miss me?" asks Mingyu in a low voice, head still down and reluctant to look directly into Seungcheol's pair of brown eyes. Yes, Mingyu was reluctant to look at Seungcheol because he already felt his eyes watering.

“She missed you,” Seungcheol nodded his head then smiled bitterly before continuing. “I know she misses you as much as you miss her. I also know that she's not that good, Mingyu. To be honest, I think you are in the same position, you are both in the process of healing your wounds, but on the one hand, I feel you are just starting to feel the loss."

Silence of a thousand languages, Mingyu could only remain silent and stood with his head still lowered. Tears began to fall to the floor slowly and he tried his best to stay standing even though he felt like he would fall at any moment.

“I'm sorry for keeping her departure from you a secret,” For the nth time, Seungcheol sighs. "You deserve to curse me to your heart's content, You may not think I exist, but I ask you not to hate her because she kept her departure a secret from you. All of this was also hard on her control but she keeps trying to be okay with it. Therefore, she asked me not to say a single thing about her departure. She doesn't want you to find herself in that bad condition, she just wants you to see her happy like you are happy with your choice."

Millions of knives seemed to have sliced the flesh from Mingyu's body.

It was as if a large hand was holding his mouth to speak. Either it's a big hand that is not visible or it could be the pain that holds it. Isn't it funny, that you endure the pain but it's different from Mingyu who is silent because of the pain that keeps him from speaking? More precisely, Mingyu's anger kept him from saying a word. He didn't want to slap Seungcheol, curse at the man, or even ignore him at all. No, that's not what Mingyu wants to do right now.

All Mingyu wanted to do was beat himself up and curse himself for being stupid.

"She doesn't want you to blame yourself for your decision," as if Seungcheol could read Mingyu's mind, warning the sentence came out of Seungcheol's mouth. "She also doesn't want you to blame yourself for everything that happened, and she wants you to know that she has forgiven you."

"Why did she forgive me?" Mingyu asks softly. "I hurt her, hyung."

Seungcheol shakes his head slowly. "She didn't explain it to me," a lie from Choi Seungcheol's mouth. "It took time for her to open up to me, Mingyu, I don't want to force all the answers from her. From how she told her feelings recently, I can conclude that she has forgiven you and made peace with herself. Therefore, I hope that you have also forgiven yourself and made peace with the reality even though I know it is difficult for you too.”

“Everyone says it,” Mingyu snorts, his anger getting the better of him now and Seungcheol can tell it clearly from his tone. “Everyone says that I have to forgive myself and make peace with myself and reality, but how? How can I forgive myself when I know I'm the one who caused all of this? Because of my foolish decision, I am in this situation–because of that decision I lost the person most precious to me.”

“Be honest,” Seungcheol looked at Mingyu straight. “Be honest with yourself that it's YN in the end, all of this you did for Lisa is just to feed your ego, not love, Mingyu. You are obsessed with the idea of being Lisa's number one helper, you want her to be happy because you couldn't be there for her in the past, Be honest with yourself that you already made a mistake by that.”

“..” “You also need to be honest with Lisa, you know? You are not only hurting yourself, but you hurt her too if you don’t be honest with her. Tell her about what happened, be honest, and then you can find your closure.” “And what if I don’t get it, hyung?” “You will,” Seungcheol nods and smiles softly. “You will find it, Mingyu, if YN can find her closure because of her love for you, then I know you can do it too.”

Incheon Airport International Departure, VVIP Pass 20.00 KST

“Just this?”

Mingyu nods and hardly swallows his saliva. “Yes,” “Okay then,” the man looks up and pats his shoulder softly. “I’ll go now, okay? Take care of yourself while I’m gone, don’t do anything stupid, arra?” Again, Mingyu just nods and sadly smiles at that man. “Arra,”

The man turns his back and drags his suitcase with him. As Mingyu's brown eyes watch the man turning his back, he takes a deep breath before turning his back too. But not even until one minute, Mingyu then turned his back for the second time.

“Hyung,”

Hearing Mingyu's voice the man then turns his back and looks at Mingyu with a smirk. “Forget something?”

“Please tell her that I miss her, so much,” Mingyu said between soft sobs. “Tell her I’m sorry for all of this,” The man who stands in front of him can see pretty clearly how glossy Mingyu’s eyes are. But all he can do just nod and sadly smile at Mingyu. “I will.”

“Just… tell that I’ll love her forever, please.”

“Always, Mingyu,” Seungcheol nods softly before throwing a small smile. “Always.”

Even though he was blocked by the airplane window, Seungcheol still enjoyed the beautiful sunset view. Not once or even twice did he have to spend a long time in the air. It's not the first time he's been able to find views as beautiful as this from a plane.

But somehow, this time--for the first time--Seungcheol felt calm.

The calm that he never thought he would get from the plane. It's a cliché when you think about it, but that's how Seungcheol feels. His head resting on the pillow of his chair with his eyes transfixed by the sight in front of him, Seungcheol felt a calm that he couldn't get on the mainland, especially in the last few days.

Not the last few weeks, but more precisely, in the last few months.

His brown eyes glanced at the cell phone lying next to his glass of red wine when he felt a vibration coming from his cell phone. His lips curved a small smile when he looked at the bubble chat at the top of his notification list.

18.00

Are you already on the plane? Let me know one hour before you land, I'll pick you up. By the way, you didn't forget the snack I asked for did you?

His hand was now holding his cell phone, his fingers nimbly dancing on the touch screen. Typing the words to answer the message that just came in.

18.02

I'm on the plane, ten hours to arrive.

I haven't forgotten your order, miss.

And I brought an important one for you

Less than a minute after the message is sent, he sees that you have read the message. Not even five seconds later he saw three circles indicating you were preparing your reply.

18.02

I thought you told me about Kkuma already.

A sigh leaves Seungcheol's mouth slowly. He knows very well that you don't expect anything from that person at all. And that's what made the twenty-eight-year-old man even more confused. Seungcheol wasn't sure how to tell you that the important thing he brought you was a letter from the person who was the reason for you moving to New York.

The person who is the main reason why things are complicated as they are now.

But in his mind, Seungcheol knew that he couldn't avoid it and it was time for him to stand where he should be.

Between you and Mingyu. Seungcheol cannot lie to himself. He always likes you, but seeing you and Mingyu like this is also hurting him too. He becomes the witness for you and Mingyu's relationship process. He was there when Mingyu wanted to make the first move, he was also there when you freaked out when Mingyu asked you to date when both of you were deeply falling in love with each other. Then when all of this started to happen, Seungcheol was also the one who witnessed it all.

He was there when Dispatch released the photo when you broke down into tears. It was fresh on his memory how you cried on his shoulder silently after you told him about the breakup. With his own eyes, Seungcheol witnessed how you try to survive and pretend to be okay. And on the last step, Seungcheol was there too when you bid goodbye to Suhoon, Minseo, and your other colleague at the airport six months ago.

Not finished on that.

Seungcheol was also witnessing how Mingyu struggles slowly. Like you, Mingyu may not say it clearly and loudly, but from his actions, his glances, and suddens blank, Seungcheol can read easily that Mingyu faces his endgame.

And four nights ago, all of Seungcheol's reading was proven. With that, Seungcheol realizes that it’s his time to make the two people he loves happy even when he couldn’t have the one that he wanted. His big hands pull a white envelope from his jacket pocket and place it on the tray in front of him. He flips the envelope before capturing it with his phone and sending it to you

18.04 *A photo sent* This. Read

18.04 Do you want to open later or should I read it for you and record it? Read

18.05 Read it and record for me, it’s okay, oppa. And so, Seungcheol slowly ripped the envelope with more care. He pulls out the letter and some cards that turn out to be Polaroid photos. As his brown eyes look at the photos, he just softly smiles. His mind travels back and thinks about how Mingyu chooses the photos of both of you. Seungcheol knows it was your favorite Polaroid photo with Mingyu.

Seungcheol then unfolds the letter before pressing the record button on his phone screen. Mingyu’s familiar handwriting was very clear in Seungcheol's visions. After taking a deep breath, Seungcheol opened his mouth and started to read the letter slowly.

Annyeong, YN.

Annyeong, chagi.

At first, I would like to start with congrats you for your scholarship. I know that you can do it from the beginning, chagi! I know you are capable, smart, and worthy of getting that scholarship. Your hard work is paying off, right? Our sleepless night with your thick books, your late-night study, your dozens of glasses of coffee, your cry.

I wish I was there when you got the acceptance letter. I wish I could see and erase the happy tears that we always talk about. I wish…I can hug you and congratulate you at the moment not in this letter.

How’s life as a New Yorker, love? Do you eat well? Do you enjoy strolling Central Park on Sunday morning like what you dream of? Do you still buy Pizza from the pizza place I told you before? Are you happy? I hope New York treats you well, love. I hope you can live the life in New York like what you always tell me. I hope you are happy and I hope New York can heal you from the pain that I caused here.

Seoul misses you.

No corner of it didn’t make me remind of you, of us. How we like to stroll around at midnight from one convenience store to another just to find the ice cream that I craved. How we like to have cinema dates without anyone noticing, how we visit museums for hours, and how you let me take photos of you with my camera even when you don’t like to take pictures on.

I miss it.

I miss you.

But I know that it was not for me to miss you. I hurt you, the person that I love the most, so bad with my knowledge. I put someone over you, over us. And there is no day for me to not regret it. If I could turn back time, I will. I will straightly go to your place without having to ask you how you’ve been after the photos out, I will choose you. I will choose us.

I will not thank you for letting me love her. Instead, I will fight for you at the moment. I will choose you, over and over again.Now, I only can regret it by not doing all of that. I’m regretting letting my ego take control of me. I regret it to choose someone from my past while I have you in my life, the person I love the most and I promise to protect.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for… everything. I’m sorry that I cannot be with you like I always promise, I’m sorry that I hurt you badly, and I’m sorry for making the wrong choice. I know you will be tired of seeing or even hearing my apologies, but if I could do it a thousand times for you, I’ll do it. I should have known that it was you, I should have told you about what happening and what concerned me and I’m sorry for not doing that.

I’m sorry that you have to feel all the pain that I gave you just because I want to make someone happy.

I’m sorry for taking you as granted. I’m sorry that I’m too late to realize it.

Humans only can hope, right? We don't know how the fate will bring us. But I do hope that fate will bring you to the life that you deserve, love.

I hope you can healed and be happy. I hope you can be successful and achieve all your dreams. I hope that one day someone will come for you, love you, and make you the happiest. I hope that person can bring your smile and your laughter instead of making you cry. And I hope so much that he will not hurt you as I did.

I do hope that maybe in another lifetime, I can protect you from any harm and love you without making you in pain.

Even from a thousand kilometers from you, please know that I’ll always choose you, and always love you.

- KMG.

Sorry for the delay, have been busy with this and that. I think I'm gonna need some time for the last part because it's still grey on my mind and I have not decided if I want a happy or sad ending hehehe... but I'll try to update some oneshot for you (mostly fluff (but we'll see on my mood HAHAHA)), leave up some comments all! <3 - pearls.

#mingyu x reader #mingyu oneshot #svt x reader #svt mingyu #mingyu angst #mingyu scenarios #heavy angst #mingyu x you #mingyu #kim mingyu #mingyu x reader angst

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