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jinnaidaisuke · 6 years

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Mad World

this is just for me and my million feels and maybe the 5 people in this fandom. This is between episode 34 and 35. Mert/Umut and Coskun talk

Mert woke up suddenly, but silently. His years on the street had trained him to not make himself known and even now in adulthood he couldn't shake that habit.

The first thing he realized was that it was still dark outside, the second was that there was a spring sticking out the couch they fell asleep on which was now poking him in his side and that he was very sore. Oh, and also that Sarp was still hugging him, even in his sleep.

Right. He wasn't Mert anymore. He was Umut now. Sarp's long lost brother. Füsun's missing boy, her hope like she always called him. Eylem's childhood friend who was lost years ago.

He was Umut Yilmaz who was kidnapped as a baby and got turned into Mert Karadag, Celal's personal puppet.

It didn't feel real. It felt like a dream, a sick and crazy dream. He feels like he might go insane with the realization that his whole life has actually been a lie. The man he had idolized, had called father, had sinned for, would have died for... He felt sick.

But looking at Sarp's sleeping face grounded him in a way that seemed impossible just yesterday. It was weird. But at the same time it wasn't. They had been drawn to each other from the beginning and it all made sense now.

Nature vs nurture.

Sarp was warm. Sarp's grip on him was loose enough not to suffocate but it felt firm. And safe. It made Mert.. no Umut, want to lean in closer and let someone else do the protecting for once. Not just someone else, but his brother. They were brothers.

Jesus.

Sarp however seemed obvious to his internal freak out an sudden crash of reality. He was dead to the world.

He must have been exhausted; Umut certainly was. The last few days have been hell for both of them. And he guessed crying for several hours straight did neither of them any good.

They had held on to each other and cried without a single care in the world until Coskun had made them change locations for safety.

God, none of this seemed real. He stared at Sarp, almost daring him to wake up and to confirm that this all was some kind of mistake. But nothing happened. Typical, Sarp never did what Mert... Umut had wanted him to do.

He was reminded of Melek also complaining about her boyfriend. Stubborn and thickheaded she had said. Mert, then really Mert, had laughed even though he hated Sarp then, because the idea of Melek describing anyone as thickheaded seemed hilarious to him. Pot meets kettle, he had replied. Melek had also told him about Sarp's sleeping habits. He would only sleep for a couple of hours, but when he did, he slept like a stone. A hot lava stone, she had said. He would hug her and fall asleep right away. A living furnace she couldn't escape. But all that complaining had been for show and they had both known it. Melek had the same kind of troubled sleep he himself suffered from and she had enjoyed the warmth and safety Sarp had given her.

Mert... Umut felt like he could relate.

Thinking of Melek still hurt so much, it probably would never stop hurting. She didn't deserve to die, she didn't deserve to have Celal as a father. She deserved to live and make fun of him and annoy him with her stories about her boyfriend. Sarp didn't deserve to have the woman he had loved to die.

His eyes had filled with tears which was a surprise considering all the tears he had already shed, but he had always been the crybaby between them. From what he had seen of Sarp yesterday, maybe it was genetic.

A sound suddenly startled him. The sound of someone walking, the sound of dishes being moved... Right. Coskun.

Jesus.

He carefully got out of Sarp's grip and sat up in bed. Sarp, while he didn't exactly wake up started grunting and frowning. He smiled amused and stroked Sarp's head. “It's okay. I am here. I am not going anywhere.”

That seemed to have soothed him enough. Sarp burried his head deeper into the couch cushions. Umut chuckled softly and softly patted Sarp's head one last time before standing up and going towards the sound.

Coskun was in the 'kitchen' cutting some tomatoes, white cheese and cucumbers. The samovar was already boiling so he must have been at it for a while. Mert... Umut, wonders why he hadn't heard him before since the place they generously called kitchen was just at the other end of the warehouse with a table, the samovar and a small fridge.

“Oh! Umut! You are awake!” Coskun exclaimed.

“Shh! Sarp's still sleeping!” he whispered harshly back. Umut. Coskun had called him Umut. Mert rubbed his face. “So this all really happened then? It's real?” he asked.

Because a small part of him was still scared this was all just a weird dream bubble that was going to plop any time now.

Another confirmation, more details, more, more, more... Why he trusted Coskun's word for it, he couldn't really say. But Coskun is here, he hasn't run away yet. So if this was all an elaborate and sick plot of his..

“It is.” Coskun answered in a softer voice. “Here, do you want some food? I have simit and tea is also ready.” he said. He looked like he hadn't had a care in the world, like all of this happening wasn't a big deal. Not for the first time he wondered just what kind of human being Coskun was and if he could even be considered as such.

“Do you regret any of it?” he blurted out.

Coskun stopped pouring himself tea and turned to look at him. “What?”

“Working for Celal, kidnapping me, hurting me and Melek and all these children before me and after me. Do you regret any of it?”

Coskun sat down and looked right back into his eyes. “No.”

Umut, because it was real, it was all real oh God, who hadn't even realized he was holding his breath laughed out loud. “At least you are honest.”

Because Coskun while being human scum, was honest human scum. He had never pretended to be anything he wasn't.

Coskun grinned at him, clearly in on the joke. “Well, what can I say, I am not a good actor.”

Umut rubbed his face with both his hands again. “My personal devil, Coskun.” He stepped closer to the table, feeling lighter all of a sudden, probably for the first time in his life because now he knew. He knew his family and he knew who and what was bad and what was good, he felt like he could finally see the world around him clearly.

“I'll take some tea. I have a lot of questions and you are going to answer them.” Umut sat in front of the human scum that ruined his life and took the tea he had prepared for him.

Life worked in funny ways, he guessed.

“Sure.” Coskun had just said. Maybe he felt the same in a twisted kind of way. Maybe he also had waited for a time where he could talk freely and openly to him. Because while Coskun enjoyed his games he was not a liar.

Coskun handed him the tea and Umut held the small glass in both of his hands, taking in the warmth.

“Why can't I remember anything? It can't be just because I was so young.”

“Well.” Coskun started and pulled a piece of simit from the ring and stabbed a piece of cheese with his fork. “What is the earliest thing you DO remember?” He bit into the simit.

“I...I remember YOU.” Umut frowned.

Coskun raised his eyebrows and also put the cheese into his mouth now.

“I remember being little... and being cold and hungry and you hitting me over and over again.”

“There you have it.” Coskun replied and slurped his tea to wash it all down. “My job was to make you forget who you were, so that even when Metin died you would never find your way back to your family. Metin had dared to consider talking to the police and that was the prize.”

Umut had known what kind of things Celal did, the people who have suffered and the people he had killed, but to hear it like this... Celal had been nothing but kind to him personally, hell to Umut Celal was a soft man that cared very much about his family and would do anything to protect them, to make them comfortable. That was the excuse he had gotten for the crimes and Umut had believed him, been proud even to be considered in the most inner circle Celal considered family.

“But you sure were a hard nut to crack, even at 3.” Coskun continued, either obvious to Umut's thoughts or indifferent to them. “It took weeks for you to stop crying for your mother and brother. I'd ask you your name and you would still say Umut. I was told to break you but I never really did, did I? Even after I made you forget your name and your family, you still believed you were lost and not abandoned like I tried to make you believe.” He took another loud slurp from his tea.

Umut felt himself shiver, he felt sick. He gripped the tea for dear life, he would probably not be able to drink it before it turns cold. He feels like he might never be able to drink or eat ever again.

But he also needs to hear this.

“How long...” he coughed, he wouldn't cry now. Not because of this. Not because of Coskun. “How long was I with you before Melek came along... I mean, because I remember her arriving and Celal... that was only a year or two right?”

Coskun glanced at him but continued nonchalantly with his breakfast. “5, and then Melek came along. You know, Celal never had intended to actually take you under his wing. But Melek had refused to leave without you, so.” He shrugged. “He probably saw the opportunity and went along with it. Made me kind of sad too to be honest. You and Melek had been the most interesting of the bunch.”

Before Umut could even react to the words there was a loud thumbing sound followed by an angry scream. “SHUT UP!”

Startled, both Umut and Coskun turned to see Sarp standing there. He had hit the wall and looked furious. He was also crying again.

“Sarp-” Umut started but he didn't really know what to say. How long had Sarp stood there? What had he heard? Why were Umut's street kid senses leaving him now of all times?

“Are you trying to give me a heart attack?” Coskun complained.

“You. Shut the hell up! You piece of human scum!” and in two big steps he was right at the table and pulled Coskun up by the collar. “I am going to kill you for everything you have done, how can you even dare to say her name you son of a bitch!”

Umut sprang up and quickly got in between them. “Okay, it's okay, abi. It's over now. Come one.” he reassured while he pulled Sarp back.

Sarp looked from Coskun to Umut as if he couldn't believe his eyes. “Why... how can you stand to talk to him..?” he gripped his shoulders and shook Umut a bit. He had never seen Sarp this distraught, not even when Melek had died. Hopeless, despereate, frantic, yes. But never this distraught and Umut realized yet again that this was what family felt like. Having someone who felt sad for you when you yourself couldn't.

Umut took Sarp's face in both his hands. “I can't, not really. But we need him abi, ok? I hate him with every fiber of my being, but I hate Celal more. He at least never... And I... no WE are going to make Celal pay, okay? I need you with me on this.”

Sarp searched his eyes. Umut wondered what he saw in them, because even when he was still Mert, he would look in the mirror and wonder. He couldn't get a read on himself. He had always wondered what other people saw in him. Melek who had been part of his soul, his dearest sister. Eylem whom Mert had loved despite all odds wanted to open up to so desperately but couldnt... Füsun.. his mom, Yusuf Müdür before he died. What did they see when they looked at him. What did Sarp see in this moment?

He knew he must seem crazy. But crazy is what had kept him going all these years. Was crazy really so bad?

Sarp hugged him hard. “Umut! Ach, Umut. I am so sorry. I am so, so sorry this happened to you.” he cried into his shoulder.

Umut hugged him back, he rubbed Sarp's back. “It's okay, abi. Don't cry because of Coskun. He doesn't deserve it, okay?” He wouldn't cry. Not because of Coskun. He had always thought Coskun had robbed him of his childhood. And he did, there was no questioning of his part in all this. But... Umut really couldn't muster the energy to care about that anymore. “Come on, I need you with me on this.”

That Sarp cared this much was enough for him.

Really, how can a life turn around this fast? Just what was his life even?

Umut turned to Coskun without breaking the hug who just stared at them silently. “But he is right. Don't you dare say her name ever again.”

Umut could deal with him. But Melek deserved, deserves so much more. And if all he can give her is keeping her memory sacramental, then he would. Coskun doesn't deserve her memory.

Coskun hold up both hands in surrender. “Okay, okay. I'll do as the crazy Yilmaz Brothers say.”

Umut felt Sarp struggle in his hold. “You!”

Umut rolled his eyes. God, why couldn't this guy read the room?

“Come, abi.” He pulled Sarp along with him; back to the couch. “Just forget about him, okay? He will rot in hell soon enough. Let's just... let's plan our revenge, okay?”

Sarp let himself be manhandled and pushed down on the couch. Umut being the reasonable one and Sarp listening to someone, crazy world. Umut chuckled and sat down next to him.

“What's so funny?” Sarp questioned, anger still coated his voice. But he recommenced with his staring and eye searching.

Whatever Sarp saw in him, Umut hoped he wouldn't hate him for it. He wouldn't be able to survive that. Not as Umut.

“Life.” he answered and hit his brother on the shoulder. “Let's talk shop. I have a plan and Coskun is going to be a GREAT help.” he grinned conspiratorially.

Sarp who was still trying to get a read on him frowned. “Plan.” he repeated.

“Yes. A great plan to get me INSIDE. To stop Celal's doubts in me completely. Since I can't kill you to do that, Coskun will have to do.”

Sarp still frowned. Umut worried for a moment if he overdid the joke but Sarp grinned right back at him. “Oh, are we really now?”

“I mean, what could be a greater show of loyalty than killing the only thread to my real family?”

Both men laughed. And laughed and laughed.

Umut might have been driven crazy by this world, but his brother was right next to him on this journey.

#icerde #sarp yilmaz #umut yilmaz #mert karadag #icerde fanfiction

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