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sezja · 2 years

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The Dance

Reference: Sanson's Family

"You didn't tell me this was going to be a proper party," Guydelot says, grinning with delighted surprise as he looks around. Oh, there's the immediate family there, of course: Sanson's parents, his sisters, their husbands, their children... and a passel of other people as well. Well-wishers and friends, Guydelot supposes; it's certainly the largest nameday celebration he's ever attended.

Though mayhap celebrating three namedays at once'll do that.

"Melody always brings a crowd," Sanson sighs, leading the way through the crowded manor out to the far less cramped garden, cool in the twilight. Here the paths have been cleared and benches have been shifted to make room on the empty lawn for a makeshift dance floor, small but jubilant, and merry songs fill the air.

"I should've brought my harp," he says, peering over the heads of the guests to catch a glimpse of who's playing - not Sandre, certainly, but the little band is doing what they can to keep the mood bright.

Sanson, shaking his head, snags his arm and pulls him to the nearest bench to watch the dancers. "And risk showing up Melody on her nameday? You want a war."

"It's yours too, as I recall." Guydelot drapes an arm over Sanson's shoulders. "Do they do this every year? Don't recall doing it last year."

"I usually wait to arrive until after everyone's gone." In the glow of the lamps that illuminate the garden, Sanson's expression is rueful. "I thought perhaps..."

When he trails off, Guydelot peers down at him, curious. "Perhaps...?"

"Perhaps you might like to witness the festivities, I suppose." Sanson leans into him, head resting against his shoulder. Their shaded bench is private enough to admit some liberties, and truth be told, he's tired; he would have been content to celebrate in private, at home, with Guydelot alone, as they had last year...

But two years in a row would set a precedent his sisters simply would not allow; they must be all together on their nameday, or the sky may crumble.

"Sonny!" And there they are, bustling across the grass to make their greetings. Melody is already flushed from dancing - or perhaps one too many glasses of wine. Sanson stands to accept their embraces; Guydelot - who has not yet learned better - attempts to remain seated, only to be pulled to his feet and hugged in exuberant delight, first by Melody, then by a giggling Lyrica.

"Did you manage to coax our brother to attend?" Melody asks, smiling mischievously as she fusses with Sanson's hair. "We hardly ever convince him to socialize; he has ever so much work to do, you know."

Sanson brushes her hands away, scowling. "I do-"

"Oh, but Guydelot," Lyrica says, her cheeks pinking a bit. "I don't suppose you dance? That is, would you dance with me?"

"The cheek!" Melody whirls, hands on her hips. "Now see here, you harlot, you-"

"You're only angry I asked him first," Lyrica retorts, unbothered. "Well?"

Uneasy, Guydelot glances at Sanson; the last thing he wants is to stir up a fight between the siblings... and he's never quite forgotten that the first boy Sanson fell for had only played along for the chance to get close to Melody. Thirteen summers or no, it was the sort of sting that stuck. And he's none so fond of Sanson's sisters that he's willing to sacrifice any part of Sanson to satisfy their whims.

But Sanson merely shrugs. "Well, I don't dance," he points out. "If you'd like to take your turn on the dance floor, you will need another partner."

It isn't quite encouragement, but then, Guydelot can't quite bring himself to take the wind out of Lyrica's sails, either. So be it. With a shrug and a smile, he offers her his hand, and lets her pull him to the dance floor; she walks with more than a little extra bounce in her step, and Guydelot can't help feeling like she's pleased to have put Melody in her place.

He gets the feeling that doesn't happen often.

Sure enough. a glance over his shoulder reveals Melody only barely repressing a glower, sitting primly on the bench next to Sanson - Sanson, who looks quietly pleased, as well. It brings a grin to Guydelot's lips; how often does Melody fail to get her way?

"And how'd that feel?" He spins Lyrica onto the dance floor, and she laughs, bubbly and infectious.

"Oh, I'll hear no end of it later!" She whirls back into him, and they follow the music: a rousing, quick-stepping tune that makes Guydelot itch for his harp all over again. "But," Lyrica adds, as the steps bring them in close once more, "Never mind her; do you suppose Sanson will be jealous?"

"Sanson?" Irresistibly, Guydelot's eyes are drawn back to the man: he's still watching, but the look on his face is thoughtful... perhaps wistful. "Not... jealous, I don't reckon. Not from one dance."

"Good, good, I worried." She doesn't look worried. "Perhaps you ought to ask him to dance?"

"Sanson?" Guydelot repeats, incredulous... and then, curious, his eyes still on his lover: "You think he'd like to dance?"

The song spirals to an end; their dance is over. Lyrica dips him a curtsey, her eyes glittering. "No," she replies. "But I think he'd like to be asked."

#sanson smyth #guydelot thildonnet #my writing #AFTER THIS GUYDELOT LEARNS:#1. sanson actually does know how to properly dance #2. guydelot's got to learn how to dance.#he gets a friend in ishgard to teach him. it's a whole thing.

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noxshade · 3 years

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Day 19: Sweet

The Satellite Café Terrace certainly lived up to its name. Located well up one of the tallest buildings in Kyoto, it offered a clear view of the night sky and was well above the smog of the city. It was something of a break room for employees of the Kidō-Tsuiseki Corporation; like the built-in Starbucks of yesteryear, it was another trap to drain cash out of the tired employees with lunch breaks too short to take the long elevator ride down and too tired at the end of the day to remember to pack a lunch.

Renko Usami only wished it were a worse idea, because their desserts and treats were far, far too good. Over the few months of her internship, she had sampled the Midnight Sky Mousse, the Ozone Layer Cake, Cappuccino with Lightyear Cream, Spiral Galaxy Macaroons, the UV Spectrum Sprinkle Cookies and much more, she could solidly say that she was hooked. Regardless of how her internship panned out, she would always remember these breaks outside, on a balcony terrace forty stories above street level.

She was not on break at the moment, she was technically off shift and out for the day, but catching a slice of cheesecake before heading out. Maribel Hearn had joined her, having limited access to non-corporate parts of the tower. She nibbled at the edge of a square of baklava as she reviewed some of Renko’s research notes that weren’t under an NDA, studying the diagrams beneath the night sky of Kyoto.

“So what were you able to learn about what happened with the station?” asked Maribel. “I can’t make heads or tails of these reports.”

“Nothing,” replied Renko “According to the reports, computer contact was lost with the TORIFUNE station with no explanation, and then and the next report is the emergency system confirming a new stable orbit at the Lagrangian point four years later. They were able to remotely track its path all the way there but the internal systems have no clues as to what happened in the years between.” Renko took another bite of cheesecake, almost finishing it. “At least, an intern can’t see these things.”

Maribel finished her bit of dessert and returned the printed reports to their folder before draining her coffee. “I need to get something more substantial if we’re going to brainstorm this problem,” she said. “I don’t know how you work with all this sugary dross.”

“Oh, sweets always help me think,” Renko said, finishing her cake in a bite and tapping the table’s payment ring to settle the bill.

“Funny, I haven’t seen you eat much like that in our club meetings,” Maribel said, grabbing her briefcase.

“Oh, that’s because I always have the biggest sweet when we’re together, Merry,” Renko replied, smiling as she donned her coat. “I have you!”

((Big inspiration on this one from one @asa-turney aka Lyrica Live.))

https://archiveofourown.org/works/29772798/chapters/74267460

#gensokyofestival #touhou #maribel hearn #renko usami #renmerry #writing #NoxContent

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forty-fourr · 5 years

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“wow, and i thought i was the tallest person ever.” lyrica looked up at the man before her with her mouth agape. “are you like a basketball player? into sports? how’s the weather up there––-have you heard all of this before?” the teenager grinned, before looking down at her older sister. “wow, i like this guy already. i’m going to hire him to give me piggyback rides since you’re too short to hook me up, okurrrrt?”

“reno, this is my younger but obviously taller than me sister lyrica that i’ve been telling you about. she can be really extra sometimes and is obsessed with social media so expect a whole bunch of stuff that you’ve never heard before.” melody explained to the man, readjustting the straps on her bag. “now come on squirt, dad says that i have to walk you home for the rest of the week so here we are. here to pick you up, drop you off, and then go about our merry day okay?”

@pvrson4

#&&. melody x reno

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thesickpanda · 5 years

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April has been an expensive and exhausting month

This entry could easily be 10 pages long but I am going to try to break it down into few heavily condensed chapters. Today is the first good pain day I have had in weeks, so I am going to make the most of it and get this stuff out there.

Lyrica and me: an inconvenient truth

Long before I developed fibromyalgia, I had a condition known as myofascial pain syndrome. The syndrome primarily affects my trapezium muscles in my shoulders and neck. I first started getting the spasms when I was around 12 years old. The neurologist I saw diagnosed it as simple growing pains. Because nobody understood what was actually happening to me, it was left largely untreated. When it flared up, I'd go to a physiotherapist for a few weeks and then it would settle down. Whole years could go by without any problems and then it’d flare again and trouble me for months. One particular episode was so severe I had to go to hospital, as the spasm was so bad I could not move my head even a centimetre to either side and had to have it put in a brace. I was finally diagnosed at 23 in my final year of university. After graduating, I moved to Australia. My fibromyalgia was in full swing at this point and both conditions put me through absolute hell. I saw another rheumatologist who diagnosed me with fibromyalgia and put me on Lyrica. I've always said that Lyrica did very little to nothing for my fibromyalgia and I stand by that. As I withdraw from this drug, there is absolutely no difference in my Fibro pain. However, at the time I went on the drug, my neck spasms reduced considerably. I thought, at the time, it was just going dormant again and I didn't think anything of it.

Turns out the Lyrica was treating the myofascial pain.

I know this because in the past year, as I have lowered my dosage, the pain in my neck has come back with an absolute vengeance. All the Lyrica did was mask the nerve pain in the fascia while I continued to use my body in a way that was likely exacerbating the underlying condition. Without the pain to warn me that I was damaging myself, my fascia have been getting worse. They’re in an absolute state right now and the full extent of it has been revealed as I’ve come off the drug. I'm still on 75 mg a day so it's likely the pain will get worse as I continue to withdraw across the year. I find myself scrambling to understand a condition that I never got on top of all those years ago, never learned to manage. I have a decade of experience dealing with fibromyalgia and even though I had myofascial pain syndrome for a decade before I was put on the Lyrica, I still have no idea how to treat it.

For the last three weeks my neck has been in alternating spasms on the right and left side every single day bar two. It is a hot, gnawing pain that starts with a twinge and continues to grow until it feels all consuming. It becomes so tight and restrictive I cannot even hold a book or lift a kettle without antagonizing it. I can't hold a bag, use a computer, I certainly can't scroll on my smart phone and I struggle to do my weights. If I do any of these things while in flare, it can exacerbate what is already a very difficult pain to live with. Spasms last anything from a day to 4 days before they switch sides. I rarely have a reprieve and if it weren't for the medicinal cannabis, I don't think I could sleep in this pain. (The medicinal cannabis does nothing for the Myo pain; it's just a really good sleep aid and knocks me out for 4 to 6 hours a night). In the meantime, my partner and I have been frantically researching the condition. He had to take a week off work just to help me move around the house. Simple tasks have become agonising, like blow drying my hair or washing the dishes. When it gets so stiff I can barely turn it, something as simple as reaching behind me to grab something in the car can flip the pain from the left to the right side of my neck and put me into a second spasm. I have cried myself to sleep in sheer frustration as entire days go by during which I do literally nothing but sit my on my butt, smothered in heat packs, and watch Youtube. I am not a couch potato by nature: I like to do things. But the things I would normally do while my neck is in a state like this, such as hiking and walking in the bush, have also been off-limits to me due to knee and foot problems. It really feels like I’m in one of those booby traps where all the walls closing in around you. I'm desperately pushing back but it feels like a futile struggle.

Myofascial Pain Syndrome: understanding it and finding treatments

As I said, it took 10 years to fully understand and manage Fibromyalgia. The idea of having to go on the same journey for myofascial pain syndrome and contend with all the symptoms once more is frankly overwhelming and deeply upsetting. I've had some pretty dark moments the last few weeks, not helped by the lyrica withdrawal itself, of which suicidal ideation is a major symptom. My partner is determined not see me sink into another depression and so he has been doing research on the computer when I can't. He read on lyrica withdrawal forums that the pain often gets really bad during withdrawals and stabilizes sometime after your last tablet, then generally improves with other treatments. One of the recommended treatments is dry needling. I have been receiving acupuncture for years but my acupuncturist is very traditional and puts the needles in the Meridian lines, rather than the trigger points where I really need them. It has proven to be a great treatment for fibromyalgia as really, you can put a needle in anywhere and it would help. But myofascial pain syndrome requires a very targeted approach and so we looked up somebody who knew how to do it. I went to a physiotherapy clinic and had the dry needling, which was not painful in and of itself. I would like to write a whole blog entry about that experience, because it was pretty damn awful for other reasons. After the dry needling the (crappy) physio asked me to demonstrate some of the stretches he’d just shown me. I did one stretch, one that I've done hundreds of thousands of times before, but the room was very cold and I was really stiff after lying down on a uncomfortable table for the better part of an hour. Ironically, this was one of the two days that I actually wasn’t in any neck pain. However, when I performed that stretch for him, I felt that familiar twinge on the left side of my neck and later that evening I was in searing pain. I had gone to physiotherapy only to come back in a worse state than when I started. As I said, I am going to write an entire entry about that particular experience, but let's just say I want to scream at the top of my lungs at the state of commercialized physical therapy in general.

So, back to the drawing board. While I am not giving up on dry needling as a process, I will need to find a better practitioner who really knows what they're doing and what they're treating. Some research provided two names: one of a highly skilled massage therapist who is trained in myofascial release and trigger point therapy. I have an appointment to see him in the city this Friday. I have also found a clinic run by GPs who have specialised in the musculoskeletal system and in acupuncture, exercise physiology and myofascial release. They do what is called wet needling, in other words an injection of anaesthetic directly into the trigger points. The idea is to settle the pain down in the fascia and then give you exercises to try and maintain that. When the fascia goes into flare, you go in for another injection. Because myofascial pain syndrome often gives rise to fibromyalgia, (which is the brain incorrectly processing pain signals), it can create a negative feedback loop that needs to be broken by release of the fascia and a cessation of the pain. This is much easier said than done and requires a specialist touch. God knows that opioids have done nothing for it. I'm leaving that clinic as a last resort, however, not because I doubt their methods but because it is so expensive. While we have something of a healthcare system in Australia, many specialist treatments are still very expensive and require a gap fee that mounts up into the thousands after only a few treatments. And we've already spent over half a grand just on orthopedic surgeons and scans. Which brings me to my next chapter…

Surgeons: having to do deals with the devil

While I know that surgeons save lives and that some of them are wonderful people, the vast majority I've encountered in my lifetime treat you like a piece of meat to hack at and make a lot of money from. They are the highest paid professionals in Australia, earning between 200 and $400,000 per year. They are allowed to get 100% home loans and many other exemptions unavailable to the rest of Australia’s citizens. They are treated like demigods here; an exclusive boys’ club that makes an awful lot of money out of people’s suffering. In 2017 I was forced to go to one of these well-paid butchers because of a persistent neuroma in my foot. He supposedly cut it out in November 2017 and after a few months of healing, I could walk on that foot without pain. I didn’t get to enjoy the benefits, though, as I struggled with a very sore subluxating patella. I went and saw a physiotherapist and did a hell of a lot of work to strengthen my muscles to pull my misaligned kneecap into place. Needless to say, I didn't get to do much of the hiking and bush walking I’d hoped to do last year because of that problem. At points my knee was so painful I would just weep. The good news is that with a knee brace and a lot of physiotherapy, it is much more manageable now even though I had a bit of a relapse two months ago. The bad news is that the pain in my foot came back in November 2018. And so began a merry-go-round of doctors and ultrasound-guided cortisone injections. I believed the radiologist when he said I had bursitis in all four toes (scans don’t lie, right?). I submitted to more injections, but the pain did not get any better. Eventually I gave up on that route and made an appointment to see a different orthopaedic surgeon instead. The guy was absolutely stunned at the way the surgery had been done. He couldn't understand why my last surgeon went in from the top of the foot and not underneath; he asked if a biopsy had been done to confirm that the nerve was cut out and not an artery ("something that sometimes happens”) and I said no. He asked for my x-rays and MRIs and I told him all I’d had were ultrasounds, which he refused to look at as if they weren’t worth the paper they were were printed on. Frustrated, he sent me off to go and get an MRI and x-ray. I did that on Easter Sunday. Then yesterday, my partner took yet another day off work to drive me to the surgeon so he could check out the results. Long story short, my past surgeon didn't get all of the nerve. Some of them neuroma is still there and all the scarring from the surgery has formed a hard cap on it, exacerbating the pain. The good news is that it won't get any bigger than it currently is. It's not as bad as the original neuroma but it will produce many of the same symptoms. The bad news is that I need to get it cut out if I ever want to regain full function of my foot. (At present, I can only manage 25 minutes a day on grass before it is too hot and angry to continue).

My friends had to crowd fundraise for me to afford my first surgery which, with consultations and follow-up fees and hospital fees, came to $7000. To be told that all of that was for nothing, because the bloody surgeon had gone in an unusual route and missed some of the nerve, was devastating. I understand that this is not a life-threatening condition and that people have way more major surgeries and complications than this. The best way to describe having all these conditions (fibromyalgia, myofascial pain syndrome, irritable bowel syndrome, generalised anxiety disorder) is that it is death by 1000 cuts. So many small things go wrong that it begins to feel like a really slow but inevitable system failure, even though not one of them is life-threatening. But they are certainly lifestyle threatening, and with a body that doesn't properly function for a myriad of shitty reasons, one begins to feel pretty damn low. As none of it is serious, no one takes you seriously and so you’re not even allowed to show how much you are suffering. Because it could be worse, right? In any case, I pointedly told the surgeon that I was not going to get a surgery this year. My primary focus is to get off the lyrica and treat the myofascial pain syndrome. If I do go back in for surgery, it will be next year. After my last surgery, we increased our private health insurance so this time ‘round it should less expensive. It will still amount around $2000 which we were trying to put towards a trip to Canada to visit dear friends and family. Right now my partner is confident we can manage both if we are careful, but the treatments for the myofascial pain syndrome alone can cost thousands this year and so I am more sceptical. In order to maintain function in everyday life, we have to pour so much money into what sometimes feels a black hole. And we have to sacrifice things that we would much rather be doing, that I see my friends doing… (There’s a reason I am no longer on social media). I have spent most of the best years of my youth in pain struggling to do the basics and that is what my future is going to look like too.

Isolation: having to say no to so many things

While I've been lucky to have had my partner home for 10 days out of the last three weeks, he’s gone back to work today and I now have figure out what to do with myself. I have not been able to do my volunteer work for those three weeks. My committee have been doing their best to manage without me, but I'm the leader of the organisation and people look to me as for direction and momentum. I do 90% of the admin work. Without me, everything seems to have ground to a halt. I love my volunteer work but I’ve simply been unable to do it as to use the computer has been brutal. I only checked my email for the first time in weeks today. My online photography club is asking where I've gone because I haven't posted in so long. I've had to cancel seeing friends because I needed to make medical appointments instead. I haven't been able to craft or do any of the things I love. I’ve limited doing computer gaming, a favourite hobby of mine, to only every couple of days for 20 minutes a day. Any more than that and the pain is unbearable. Chronic illness really impacts on your social life, your ability to function, your ability to work and your ability to see any reason to keep going. But I am not giving up. I will keep trying to research these conditions and find answers. That said, I'm absolutely beside myself that I am now having to contend with even more symptoms and more conditions. Every year I have more/new challenges to face, more appointments to make, more unknowns to explore. But I guess I'm just going to have to accept that this is my life now. Every year it's gonna be like this and either I can accept that with a kind of “what will be will be” philosophy, or I can rage against it. I think I will likely alternate between those two states for a long time, but my hope is that one day, I will be able to accept it without giving up hope for finding some solutions.

#myofascial pain syndrome #fibromyalgia #fibromyalgia syndrome #chronic pain #chronic illness #spoonie rants #spoonie

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rblazuck-blog · 5 years

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Reasons to Celebrate

Happy holidays everyone! Last weekend was super busy with a work holiday party, my birthday, and a brunch with friends. I got good news from my oncologist that the tumor is shrinking! They (my onc and NP) recommended that I go off most of my meds (only Lyrica and Tylenol now) and we’ll keep an eye on the tumor to see if it keeps shrinking! My next MRI is at the end of February so I’ll keep everyone posted as to how that goes. Merry Christmas everyone!

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arcxnumvitae · 5 years

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Lyrica pat the spot next to her on the couch to signal for Somnio to sit down, a smile stretching across her painted red lips. The moment he sat down, she scooted closer, her leg pressed against him as she placed a gift within his hands. One glance was enough to see that it was a book of some sort, simply by the feel of it and the way it was wrapped. She knew that Somnio certainly enjoyed reading, though she wasn’t quite sure if this was the type of books he’d enjoy or not.

It had been a bit of a risk going back for it, dipping into the library in her uncle’s palace had alerted him to her arrival and of course he had greeted her. However, her explanation hadn’t pleased him in the slightest and now she had another thing she’d have to bring up to Somnio, eventually. But not any time soon, no she could hold Hades off for a bit longer.

Hooking her fingers into the collar of his shirt, she tugged him to her, placing a lingering kiss on his lips for a moment before releasing him. “Merry Christmas, Somnio,” she said softly, eyes flickering down towards the gift and nodding to signal him to open it. Once he did he’d find a first edition copy of William Shakespeare’s First Folio, a book she had held on to for so long herself and a favorite of hers. She wasn’t sure if he liked Shakespeare or not but hoped he might enjoy it was much as she did.

Christmas shenanigans // @noctispostmortem

Somnio sat down next to Lyrica, his body instinctively leaning closer to hers while her leg pressed against his own. Vivid eyes turned curiously to her, a beat of panic racing through his heart. For the longest time he ran over and over again in his mind what to get Lyrica as a present, and eventually he had settled on a gift but was unsure overall about whether it would be enough.

A book-shaped package was placed into his hands but soon the man’s attention was directed elsewhere, a soft smile curling at the edges of his lips at the kiss and had it not been for her prompting he might have forgotten that he had a present to open. As he unwrapped it and took it in, his eyes blinked in surprise, certain he was seeing wrong. This had to be an extremely old and extremely rare copy of Shakespeare’s works... “Lyrica,” Somnio lifted his eyes to her, surprise still clear within them. “Something like this could not have been easy to get. I...thank you.”

The present was amazing, and that alone sent another wave of panic through him. In comparison to this, his gift seemed...paltry in comparison. Reluctantly, Somnio reached for the present he had gotten her and placed the small box into her hand. Inside was a delicate anklet, with a stone in the middle so vibrantly red that he couldn’t help but be reminded of his girlfriend by it. But in the face of her own gift...Somnio’s eyes shifted away. “The red reminded me of you, of course, and I figured it would match well with your clothes. As for it being an anklet...” That one there wasn’t much of a reason behind that he could figure out. “I’m not sure, I thought an anklet would look nice on you.”

#noctispostmortem #{Somnio Answers #{Our Fire Burns For All To See || Somnio and Lyrica}#everything about him trying to find a present he deemed 'worthy' of her was nothing but F E A R #also he himself doesn't realize it but 'thought an anklet would look nice on her' directly translates to #he likes the look of anklets (on her) and doesn't quite realize it himself yet #even normal verse has a thing for anklets for some reason #submission

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quadraphonictypewriter · 2 years

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So. I need to make a decision about pain medication. Because the 50mg amitriptyline was giving me urine retention aka I couldn't fucking pee properly.

And now I've been prescribed Lyrica/pregabalin but one of the most common side effects is "rapid weight gain" and to be honest, I think I would weep if I gained weight. I'm already having trouble

And from August to now I've gained fifteen pounds (something I only found out because I looked at the scale while at the Dr's office and remember what I was last time). I don't want to gain any more weight and I don't want to start hating my body again, I worked so hard to be in a place where I co-exist with my body without hostility. Like, I saw the scale in kilograms and thank god I can't convert kilos to pounds as easy as I can do the reverse, because I think acknowledging that I'm at X weight would break me

So I have to figure out what to do. The surgery to confirm the diagnosis and treat the endometriosis is supposed to be sometimes between April and August 2022, which is when the "8 to 12 month waiting list" from August of this year would put me. I asked my doctor to push for priority but I don't have a lot of hope. I will be asking to be put on the cancellation list too, so that if someone cancels a surgery they could schedule me in their place.

But like.... Is the risk of side effects worth it? So far, the amitriptyline gave me minimal to zero pain relief, and 4000mg Tylenol + 1500mg naproxen gave me no relief either. Gaining weight fast might just push my brain into full depression and not just the moderately-bummed-out state I've been in for a good portion of two years.

And if Lyrica doesn't work, what next? Another medication that may or may not relieve pain but will definitely come with side effects?

I don't know what to do anymore. I've only taken one day of Lyrica but I don't know how comfortable I feel knowing that I could gain weight because of it. When I tried different anti-depressants for anxiety relief, I told the psychiatrist that I didn't want medications that could make me gain weight-- but I haven't had the chance to speak about that with my endo-specialist.

I have some soul searching to do. But is it really soul searching, or is it just acceptance? I know I'll be sore and I know I am sore, and that just being on the medication merry-go-round could be worse than the benefits it may bring if a medication works.

I'm just so tired.

#im really... 😔#anyway. off to bed in a little bit and hopefully sleep will help me.#kelly.tor

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sidekickhq · 5 years

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all of the wanted connections below have been reopened & we’d love to see them taken up again !

NIKOLAI “NIKO” STRANGE, our THOMAS HAYES fc is looking for a SLOW BURN/OPPOSITES ATTRACT connection who looks like BENEDETTA GARGARI, HAILEE STEINFELD, UTP who is 22-23 YEARS OLD. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( Niko is not necessarily a good person, he never pretended to be. But your character would be the exact opposite of him. Him and your character would start out as annoyances to each other, but eventually grow to fall in love with each other )

ZIVA MIZRAHI, our INBAR LAVI fc is looking for her SENIOR AGENTS SHE SPENT TIME WITH GROWING UP / LIMITLESS connection who look like UTP and who are 28+ YEARS OLD. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( ziva basically lived at headquarters from the time she was brought in - age six - to now, and while nick and natasha were her primary caregivers, she was often shuttled between different agents during down periods or whatnot. basically, if she for some reason couldn’t stay at shield itself, or there was a holiday - like thanksgiving, christmas, easter, her birthday - coming up, she’d be taken in briefly by a senior agent or their family and given a place to stay for a bit before such a time as she returned. ) ( solveig carter + open for LIMITLESS )

WINONA FALCONE, our SHAY MITCHELL fc is looking for a OLDER SIBLING connection who looks like UTP / ANY HALF FILIPINO FC who is 27+ YEARS OLD. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( the oldest falcone ! mwahaha. so it’s this whole big thing that WINONA IS THE HEIR, but she wasn’t always. she has an older sibling who was disinherited from the family & cast out. a big ole family disgrace that none of them like to talk about. the reason behind this is up to you ! but it can range from being a MUTANT to a DEGENERATE to being SOFT to whatever. sofia is a pretty uptight gal. )

TRIXIE ESPINOZA DECKER MORNINGSTAR, our CHRISTIAN SERRATOS fc is looking for a GUARDIAN ANGEL, FLIPPED connection who looks like UP TO PLAYER and is ANY AGE. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( how is it flipped, u might ask? well.. trixie is the guardian angel, in this scenario, and this person is someone she’s met along her merry way and who she’s trying to help, real lowkey. that can be in one of two ways: either they’re always in some sort of physical pain that she’s helping them with, OR they’re someone who’s usually in a lot of emotional pain, which she can hone in on with her angel given empathetic healing powers and ease. how they met and what exactly is going on is to be decided, and how they’d react to knowing that trixie spends a lot of time focusing on them and making them feel better without ever asking if she could / if they wanted her to do that is really up in the air, but… pls. )

RAMONA DARKHOLME, our MADCHEN AMICK fc is looking for a APPRENTICE connection who looks like UP TO PLAYER and is YOUNGER THAN 30. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( right now, she’s a security guard and mechanic, but over her 53 years, romy has been a lot of things. while i see this as someone who she’s grown quite close to / taken under her wing / been adopted by who’s interested in learning the tricks of the mechanics trade, i’d be willing to talk with anyone on changing that and making what they’re learning from romy into something different! i just think it’d be neat if she had someone who’s almost becoming a child figure, in her eyes, who she can kinda… learn to be softer with, and really practice with in regards to learning how to be a better mother. )

PERSEUS XAVIER-LEHNSHERR, our NICK ROBINSON fc is looking for an ADHD PAL connection who looks like UTP, who is 17-24 YEARS OLD. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( people with adhd attract other people with adhd. by this, it is meant that, through all the counseling, and iep sessions, and even special classes, it’s awfully hard to not pick up a few friendly faces. you sort of flock together. someone who just gets it. that thing you do with your pen? they get it. that analogy that simply does not make sense to your neurotypical friends? they understand it. percy & this muse are just like that. they’re there for each other through those late night rants about adhd people in the media and about executive dysfunction, too. )

HELENA BARNES, our KATHERINE LANGFORD fc, is looking for a SLOW BURN ROMANCE connection who looks like LYRICA OKANO, NATALIA DYER, ARIELA BARER, LISA TEIGE, PARIS BERELC, HAILEE STEINFELD, LIZA SOBERANO, CINDY KIMBERLY // PLAYER’S CHOICE who is 18-21. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( girls falling in love and working through trauma and being soft ! it’s all i want )

GRÁINNE CASSIDY, our SOPHIE RUNDLE fc is looking for her [ ARRANGED ] SPOUSE TO BE connection who looks like ANY FACE CLAIM and is 28+. you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( the only requirement that i’m going to place on this wc is that they must belong to another crime family - be it gotham based or from elsewhere. gráinne herself has come to the states with her mind on moving upwards in the world ; she herself has agreed to a union between her house and another’s, all in the name of power. in a life like HERS, bonds are made and broken easily. the only thing that can even begin to guarantee loyalty is a bond, of marriage or blood, and this is likely something that both families understand. her mother always threatened to turn her into a pawn ; gráinne has chosen to make her own moves. )

FABIAN TODD, our BOB MORLEY fc is looking for a ENEMY FROM VIGILANTE YEARS connection who looks like PLAYERS CHOICE who is 26-30+ you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( about 10+ years ago fabian was robin ( ages 14-18 ) and during that time they of course had enemies that they’d fight from time to time. could be more than one person too! )

CASSIE LANG, KATE BISHOP, & NOH-VARR, our HAYLEY KIYOKO, MEDALION RAHIMI, & NICO TORTORELLA fc, is looking for a NEW YOUNG AVENGERS // MAX TWO connection who looks like INDYA MOORE, LYRICA OKANO, ANA DE ARMAS, LISA TEIGE, AMANDLA STENBERG, KARAN BARR, DAVID CASTRO, RJ CYLER, ABIGAIL COWEN, PARIS BERELC, YARA SHAHIDI, IMAN MESKINI // ANY FC THAT WORKS who is 26 & UNDER you DON’T have to contact prior to applying. ( a few months ago, the young avengers got back together! exciting. this is basically a wc for new paragon students that they have welcomed into the young avengers since then. can be an avengers or not, can have a legacy or not, it doesn’t really matter! ) ( morgan stark + open for ONE more )

#next gen rp #appless rp #town rp #college rp #comics rp #marvel rp #dc rp #mw

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thesickpanda · 5 years

Text

Panda’s Little List of Horrors

This is just a general whinge post. I got lots to whinge about. Better to whinge it out than let it consume me.

Lyrica Update: I have survived the first 10 days of dropping my dose of Lyrica. I've had some very uncomfortable withdrawal effects including derealisation, anxiety, feeling feverish, flulike symptoms, wild mood swings and impressively restless legs. I did not get nearly as suicidal as the first time I tried this. All the same, my partner hid all the kitchen knives from me. In fact, he took them to work with him. Still it’s a small victory to make it this far. I credit the CBD oil and being better prepared. All the same, I'm still dreading dropping from 100 mg to 25. My next attempt will be at the end of April.

I told a handful of friends about this process. A couple of them set the text messages or Tumblr messages to check up on me. It was nice to know that they were rooting for me. There were other people my life who should've cared, should have checked up on me, but who didn't. But what's new? People have been letting me down for a very long time and so I just don't expect anything anymore.

Other Stuff: Apart from withdrawal symptoms, I've also been dealing with a number of other issues. Now, I'm used to dealing with the general aches and pains and array of symptoms that come with Fibromyalgia, Irritable bowel Syndrome and anxiety. I'm a pro at this. That doesn't mean it's easy to live with; far from it. It's just that I know what to do and what to expect with Fibro. I like knowing things.

The other issues that are getting me down are as follows:

1.That Misbehaving Knee Cap:

That wandering patella in my right leg is not getting better. It is not getting better because I am still favouring it because I am limping. I cannot go anywhere without wearing a brace.

2. Inflamed Bursae:

I am limping because I have a severe case of bursitis in my left foot. I mean, I know that with Fibromyalgia you tend to feel pain more acutely that the average person. However, both the radiologist and my podiatrist were horrified at the state of my foot. I have bursitis in four of my toes. This is unusual. There is so much bursitis in my foot, the radiologist couldn't tell if there is also another neuroma growing in there. I have since tried orthotics, icing it, resting it, pacing it, physiotherapy, Voltaren and Nurofen. Nothing has worked.

3. Medical Gaslighting and Trying to Find a New GP:

I have had a few shitty experiences with my doctor in a row, prompting me to ask my local fibromyalgia support group if there are any nearby doctors who actually know how the hell to treat this illness. There was one recommendation; however, they are private and charge $120 a session. Here in Australia, I'm fortunate in that I can go and see a bulk billing doctor who doesn't cost a thing. The problem is trying to find a bulk billing doctor who also understands fibromyalgia. It has been my experience that the best doctors who seem to know anything about this syndrome are also private. Most of the people in my local support group are over the age of 50 and, many years ago, applied ort and were granted the disability pension and accompanying concession card that would allow them to see a private doctor at a heavily discounted rate. In the last decade, however, the Australian government has reduced the disability pension as well as who is eligible for it. I am not considered disabled enough to qualify. So even though I have a chronic illness which means that I need to see specialists and doctors on a regular basis, I do not get a disability support card or any kind of concession because I'm not seen as disabled. And so I now have to go on the joyous merry-go-round of bulk billing doctors until I find one who knows what the hell they are talking about. As I'm not legally allowed to drive whilst taking medicinal cannabis (congrats on being so fucking inefficient and arse-backwards, Australia!), my partner has to take me everywhere. Trying to find a bulk billing doctor who understands Fibromyalgia, irritable bowel, anxiety AND Myofascial Pain Syndrome is going to be a challenge and a half.

4. Something’s Gone Wrong with my Right Wrist:

I have also been coping with bad wrist pain for the past several weeks. In periods of high stress in my life, I have developed the fantastic habit of curling up in the fetal position in my sleep. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I bend and contort my wrists and shove them under my very heavy head during the night. It's like having a bowling ball resting on my delicate wrists all night long. This nightly behaviour has caused me considerable pain, to the point that I cannot use my dominant hand to lift a full kettle, or a laundry basket, the roller door for the garage, or anything remotely heavy without exacerbating things. My partner and I ordered a very expensive night brace for my wrist which is going to take three weeks to arrive. In the meantime, I have been using a regular bandage to try to stop me from bending it in my sleep. This seemed to be helping for a couple of days, and then I absentmindedly try to shimmy back in a very uncomfortable cinema seat using my hands to leverage my body. I felt a snapping, electrical pain shooting through my right hand. It was like fireworks going off inside it. For the first half of the film I was flexing and moving my hand around, trying to get it back to normal. Well, it's now worse than ever. Guess who has a doctor's appointment this afternoon? Because my bulk billing doctor is only in my local area on Fridays, I now have to see a private doctor who I can actually access in my own town. So that's going to cost money. I mean, it's fucking February and we have already spent so much money on mobility aids, medicine and doctors, it's ridiculous.

5. Dealing with Vengeful In-Laws:

On the weekend, I was having lunch with my partner's family. They don't approve of me and never have, nor do they think the Fibro is nearly as disabling as it actually, factually fucking IS. Instead, they think that I am just leeching off their son. They (mostly) politely tolerate me, because my partner has told them that if they don't he's walking out of their lives. However, just when I think that I'm getting along with them okay, out come the long knives. While I was just tucking into my microwave lasagna (I often have to bring my own food because no one could be bothered to make something I can actually eat) his mother starts given me the 3rd degree, asking about how I'm paying for all my medicines. Even though my partner and I have been together for a decade, because we are not married, she does not see me as legitimate in her eyes. She thinks I should be carrying my own weight and paying all my own bills with that job I should but don’t have. That has not been a reality for a very long time. I'm completely supported by my partner. And here's the irony: the government that refuses to recognise Fibromyalgia as a legitimate disability deserving of concession cards and a centrelink income, also works with independent disability work agencies; one of these disability employment agencies have ruled me as too sick to work. Even when I protested. They said I would not be reliable as a worker because I had too many things wrong with me. I mean, they are not incorrect, but I still gave it my fucking best shot for two years. So no, I do not have an income and yes, I am relying on their son to keep me alive. And they hate this. And so she probed and probed, seemingly spoiling for a fight. Fortunately, my partner has reached a boiling point with his family when it comes to this and managed to deftly and diplomatically move the conversation away from that topic. But I felt extremely hurt and angry and frustrated and miserable at the end of it. He has promised me he is going to have a word with his mother. Sure, why not? It doesn't matter though. I will never be accepted by his family. I will always be seen as a burden to him, a liar, a faker, and lazy ass bitch who just wants to mooch off him and by proxy their family. I will always be the one who stole him away from them, manipulated him into spending his money on me, and is living the high life kicking my feet up watching him wait on me hand and foot. That is how they perceive me. And no, I'm not guessing this. I have been directly told this.

6. Here Comes the Mortality Reminder!

Last night I felt really overwhelmed by my shrinking mobility. I'm doing everything with my left hand now and I know how my body is. It is only a matter of time before I develop tendinitis or something else if that extremity. I'm also developing ankle pains in my right leg from all the limping because of the bursitis in my left leg. Of course, my regular GP said I would be over that within six weeks, because she knows fuck all. I'm so tired of being told that I will get over acute issues that normal people get over really quickly. That is not how chronic illness works. Of course I'm not really sick in this country's eyes and so I don't get believed nor do I get treated appropriately, so issues are left to linger until they create other problems. All this has created a freaking hailstorm in my mind. To cope, I worked extremely hard last week on my not-for-profit. I overdid it. But I felt like working away the computer was the only thing worth making my pain worse for, because society’s ableism has made me feel like I have to do something useful or I’m not worth the oxygen I breathe... But is hurts. Everything hurts. I cannot hold a pen without pain. I cannot hold a book without pain. I cannot craft without pain. I cannot clean without pain. I cannot go for my bushwalks without pain. I cannot ride my bike anymore without pain. I cannot walk to the shops or train station without pain. Aaand I'm not legally allowed to drive. I mean, I can physically do these things, but it will only make matters so much worse for me. But I look fine so….

7. Cue the Dread-Somnia:

Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep. I was having one of those spoonie moments of being completely overwhelmed by my malfunctioning body and all of the things that were happening to me and the walls closing in around me. At 32 I feel so fucking tired and old and hopeless. I see my horizons shrinking and opportunities falling away. I see the grey in my hair and now. I see the way my skin is beginning to sag. The best years of my life are nearly over and they been so God damn hard. I feel like I have aged decades beyond my actual age.

It takes me two hours to get to sleep last night and at one point I wake up screaming. The dream I am having is actually about own reality. I dream about being told that I cannot do all the things I love anymore because they will make me worse. For some reason, in the dream, I'm able to scream in a way that I just don't let myself in my waking reality. But the scream wakes me up and my partner and he holds me as I rock, eyes wide with terror, staring into the dark.

And Now Today:

And then in the morning a stroppy message from a family member, demanding my attention. A family member who has caused me more stress, grief, anxiety and psychological trauma than I could possibly begin to explain in a blog post. And even though I have kept a distance from this person, she always seems to know when I am at my weakest, and sends me a truly provocative message just to incense me and get my attention. I am so enraged and upset my partner offers to stay home. (All my symptoms are flaring, and he’s worried.) But I’ll be damned if my fucking family madness costs him a day at work. I insist and he leaves. I have the silence to talk to, now.

It's Monday. Already medical appointments loom. Already the prospect of getting 4 interdigital cortisone injections into my bursae is making me literally tremble with fear. (I know how painful those injections are, as I had them only last year for another issue). Already I see the next few weeks as being really fucking hard. I barely survived last year. I feel like the universe is asking me just a bit too much to continue in the same vein. I need a goddamn break. But there are no breaks in chronic. Just endless, endless, endless until death.

#so over it #so over chronic illness #spoonie #chronic illness #chronic pain #Fibromyalgia #people's judgement #bad medicine #bad doctors #medical sexism #that suffering be endless tho #feeling low

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