Can you even feel the sting of a blade after so much?

Late Night Reminiscing

About a month ago, I went to my Little’s house for Friendsgiving with my sorority sisters and she had gotten out her yearbooks to look at her and another of my sisters old photos and senior quotes and things. I was hoping her husbands’ yearbooks were there because he and I went to school together and I was curious about mine. They weren’t and I had forgotten about it by the time I’d gotten home. Yesterday, my friend was moving and his wife had found our high school year books and so I decided to take out mine and laugh along with them, states away, at our horrible pictures and stupid messages.

Looking at my year book is always an emotional rollercoaster for me because I look back so fondly and wish I could relive those days but when I really think about it, I don’t know that I’d love reliving them. I hated myself so much back then and I just remember not eating, crying over boys and mean girls and just drama, drama, drama.

I was curious to see what I wrote in my senior yearbook for my goals, memories and advice and honestly I was a little surprised by what I had to say.

My hopes for the future: go to college, become a writer, get married, be happy.

This was shocking to me because if you asked me now what I thought I’d written I would have assumed it was something about becoming the best in my career or whatever – I knew I wanted to be a writer out of college – but I became so career obsessed over the last 10 years that I was a bit surprised to see I had such simple hopes for the future.

I’ve accomplished only one of my hopes and that’s a little disheartening, especially considering it’s been 12 years. It made me self reflect to see that even 12 years ago, my hope for myself was to just share my life with someone and be happy. I think somewhere along the line in college I really lost that ambition and became this hardened person who tried to find ways to escape my relationships whenever they felt like they were headed towards marriage or the possibility of sharing “too much” with someone. Granted, I haven’t been in a relationship in almost 7 years so who’s to say how I’d react these days. I can’t even fathom anyone wanting to be in a relationship with me, let alone pushing that away but, I digress.

If I look back at my last 4 relationships, I ended all of them. I left Andrew because I didn’t want him to lose his goals and dreams to be closer to me, I left James because I lost sight of every aspect with myself when we were together, I left frank because he cared about me so much more than I could care about him and he deserved to be loved better than I could love him, and I left Jason because at the heart of our relationship I felt empty because of how it all began and never felt like we ever really connected over anything outside of Greek life and the college experience.

Now, throw in a dump truck load of trauma and toss it around through out the years of those relationships and that will fill in the holes of my timelines and ultimately become the bumper cars that pushed me towards bad relationships or away from good ones, but at the heart of everything, it was always me leaving and always me craving something else, something better.

I think that idea of craving something better is a theme in my life because I look at this beautiful, beautiful girl who I feel so distant from, who absolutely hated herself and her body, and I wish I could shake her and make her realize how much happiness and love and beauty she had. Even then, even in high school when I was a size 8 and cared about my appearance, I couldn’t find happiness. I couldn’t find a way to love myself or my situation. That feeling stayed with me, every day, and just grew and grew, as I grew, and now I’m this shell of a person incapable of loving myself, incapable of believing someone could love me, and so overweight and disconnected I can barely look in a mirror.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what I ever thought happiness should look like.

My memories: things that made me smile and inside jokes with my friends, one for each year of high school, but my very last one was “time spent with the boys”

This one made my heart smile. I think it’s easy for me to romanticize the relationship I have with them now that we’re adults because we have truly known each other since we were kids and we still try to make time for each other, as best we can, even now — not to mention everyone’s married and working on babies – but sometimes I wonder if I romanticized too much and sort of “made up” the friendship I had with them in my head like we were closer than we really were. I do that pretty easily, and friendships that last 20+ years are incredibly rare so it’s easy to question that sort of stuff, but seeing it written there, in 2007, affirmed for me that I’m not necessarily the crazy girl who made these boys up that I sometimes feel I am.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I definitely loved them more than they loved me back then. My pages are filled with messages of “sorry we always make fun of you, but not really” and various jokes that are probably borderline cruel (maybe not even borderline) but boys love differently so it makes me smile looking back on it. To look back and see that even then, they were my final thought, makes me happy. They are the memory that stuck out the most to me – the people who shaped my heart and taught me how to really, truly, come to love friends as though they’re family. It also retroactively justifies the buckets of tears I cried at Mullets wedding just thinking about how far we’ve come.

Anyway – I’ve gotten off track a bit.

My advice: love the friends you have and befriend the ones you don’t.

Again – honestly surprised at seeing this. I think I’ve gone through so much of an identity crisis lately that this helped me understand that the core of who I am has always been about loving my friends. Sometimes I don’t know how I survive everything I’ve been through – losing a sibling to Suicide, car accidents, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual assault, family members with addiction, an eating disorder, losing my aunt to cancer, caring for my brother with cancer – it’s all honestly too much to take in sometimes and I think the thread that has helped hold me to this world, to my last shred of sanity, has always been the love I have for my friends and how grateful I am for the relationships I have.

People hear about “the boys” and they genuinely question why I speak to them but the truth is – they are a part of the makeup of my soul. They are in my DNA, for better or worse, and I think having that friendship to look at and cherish over the years has honestly kept me tethered to reality when I’ve wanted to slip away. So many times I have wanted to give up but when I look at our memories and the lives they’re living now I’m just filled with happiness enough to push through. They have taught me so much pain, but also so much forgiveness and love.

My sorority sisters helped me survive losing my brother and kept me alive when I struggled with depression in college (though it may have also introduced me to some easily accessible bad coping mechanisms, but that’s another story) I can remember my heart swelling when my sisters came to his funeral, only having known me a few months, and holding me when I cried the night he died. My sisters who’ve walked in on me self harming and held me and loved me. Meeting my little gave me a love so pure I would go through all the drama of college again, just to meet her. My little connected two halves of my heart and married my Mullet and brought me some of the purest joy I’ve ever experienced

My friendship with Danielle and her family loving and accepting me helped me survive some of the most difficult times I’ve experienced with my own family and walking away from a friendship that had turned toxic and detrimental to my health. Having her family become my extended family was the only thing that got me through so many days where I felt like I had nothing else to live for.

My work friends at brockport helped me survive some of the most stressful work I’ve ever done, made me laugh every single day, and supported me when I had tragedies or health scares of my own. They’ve continued to believe in me, even after I lost everything I thought I knew when I had to leave student affairs and continue to make me laugh, despite our distance. (Sarah, Im grouping you in this group here just an FYI)

My friendship with my cousin and her friend group helped me get through losing my job, my career and my way of life after coming back home. Having friends that feel more like family with every passing year made it easier to come home and not regret that decision. And they make it easier to tolerate work now that half of them work there too

Now, it’s 3am and I may be romanticizing again, but I don’t think I am. I think that for as deeply as I feel this depression I am in, I also feel other emotions deeply, like gratitude and love for my friends.

While I’m grateful I am able to feel this deeply about friendships, I just wish I could feel this way about myself. I wish I could see my world for what it was in the moment, rather than looking back 12 years later and seeing the happiness I was blind to then. It makes me wonder all the things I’ve missed these last few years, and all the things I’m missing now, because I can’t recognize happiness for what it is.

In college, I took a class called self in society and there was a moment where someone told me I was beautiful and I full out sobbed because I hated myself so much and just couldn’t see what she saw and it felt so genuine that I was forced to believe her and it shook me to my core. That’s how engrained my self-hatred really is. That moment was a defining moment for me and sometimes I think i spend a lot of time chasing that feeling. I look back at the girl I was in high school and I feel so sad that I couldn’t see what I see in her now – someone so beautiful, who loved so deeply, and was full of life. If I could write my hopes for the future now, I’d say that I hoped to become that girl again, because I can see how beautiful she was, but I should probably wish to be able to love myself for who I am now.

I feel like so much of who I’ve become is the physical manifestation of the hatred and disgust I’ve had for myself over the years and I just wish I could learn how to embrace who I am and believe I’m worth someone loving me the way I love others – because I do love others, a lot, and I think that’s always been the person I was at my core, even when I didn’t know it.

from WordPress https://rheyareads.wordpress.com/2019/12/30/late-night-reminiscing/

50 more interesting questions

Rules: fill this out and tag at least one person you’d like to know more about! Or just fill it out! Or don’t! Answer only some of them! Make up your own questions! “What kind of requirement is that”, you ask? A reasonable one! Who am I to tell you what to do? Anything goes!

Tagged by @incorrectmidc i had this open for days and i answered a few questions per night lol @o0w0o and @deathbymidnightcinderella  <3

1. What kind of food can’t you stand? spicy stuff and umm food loaded with exotic spices / herbs

2. If you could choose one minor inconvenience to never have to deal with again, what would you pick? my mouse ending up double clicking after a year or so

3. Have you got any useless talents? i have way too much trivia and animal facts. plus random skills with no practical use. oh and playing the piano is also a useless talent for me since i don’t really “use” it

4. If you were really really good at one thing, what would it be? my answer isn’t an “if” thing lol. i have a really good memory. it really helps with mostly anything i do + it makes studying easier. but sometimes people think it’s creepy that i remember little things about them, they think i keep notes about them or something lol-- but i really do just remember.

5. Name a few people you think are extremely good-looking - umm neil caffrey (matt bomer) from white collar, nick burkhardt (david giuntoli) from grimm, daniel shaw (brandon routh) from chuck -- i seem to have a type haha. omg i forgot jo in-sung. i’ve always thought he was handsome! 

6. What was your favorite way to pass the time as a kid? i was a pretty boring kid. i just read books, watched cartoons, and organized things. as a kid i’d look at my toys but never really play with them because i liked seeing them all set up nicely. i just kept collecting stuff i liked. the most i’d do that’s remotely active was play with my dogs

7. What is something you’re proud of? i do well academically and i learn fast. and somehow i’m proud of how i’ve remained the same over the years.

8. What’s one character flaw in people that you just can’t tolerate? i don’t know if this is considered a character flaw but i really dislike poor manners haha. it drives me crazy when people open their mouth while chewing or if it’s too noisy. i die a bit inside. besides table manners and manners in general, i dislike people who are rowdy during inappropriate times.

9. Do you consider yourself to be more of a leader or a follower? both but to avoid stress sometimes i just want to follow. i’m a bit of a perfectionist / rule follower so i get frustrated a lot. i know not everyone is like a machine but it’s hard with my ocd lol. and no this isn’t just me saying ocd like most people when referring to certain things, i actually do have it and i have medication for it

10. What kind of student are/were you? normal i guess. i got along well with people, i didn’t fail anything, and i never rebelled or did anything wild. it was uneventful lol. i’m still technically a student now, but i see it more as an adult thing.

11. Butterfly effect question! Has there ever been a seemingly minor decision you’ve made (at the time) that ended up having a profound influence on your life? i’m sure everyone has one

12. Name your most irrational fear/aversion well it’s not a fear per se, but i have an aversion to most asian food, sorta? the smell sets me off especially if it has a bunch of spices or herbs in it. my nose is just sensitive and i get affected easily by strong scents. but i’m fine with japanese food, maybe some korean and chinese stuff. for fears, iono, i don’t think it’s irrational to be afraid of spiders and big cockroaches ><

13. Are there any fictional characters you find especially relatable? a bunch haha but it’s mostly people associating them with me first. i’m not tsundere..... how dare they

14. If you drink, what kind of drunk are you? Alternatively, what sort of person are you at parties? i don’t think i’ve ever gotten drunk the way people imagine people getting drunk to be like. i remain the same except i get a headache. i don’t really change at all. and in parties i guess i just stay close to my friends. stranger danger lmao

15. Do you fall in love easily? Or does it usually take a long time for you to trust someone? umm no i do not. i mean i can trust them fine but i don’t think i can believe their feelings until they can prove it isn’t just a short time attraction. i’m in for long term stuff so i don’t really wanna waste time if it’s not headed there. but yeah currently in a long term relationship

16. Would you rather have one close friend or 100 casual friends? having fewer friends makes it easier for me to update all of them without getting tired of repeating the same story over and over haha

17. Do you consider yourself to be more of a slob or a neat-freak? always organized and no one’s allowed to touch my things haha

18. Describe a place (imaginary or real) that you would find incredibly cozy i’ve always wanted a seating area near a huge window with a good view, bunch of pillows, earphones + music

19. Do you have kids? If not, do you want them someday? nah i don’t think i can handle it. i’d probably go insane trying to control them and making them become my idea of what a person should be like

20. What was your favorite book as a child? the chronicles of narnia, still love it to this day because it’s really written well

21. Name one thing you just don’t get what all the hype is about WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES A FIDGET SPINNER DO -- yeah i’m sorry, i think it’s stupid

22. Name one thing that you think is tragically underrated i should have an answer for this but i totally forgot lol

23. If you had to be glued to a person for a month, real or fictional (who you have never met), who would you choose? since im in the midcin fandom i’ll just say byron

24. What’s something you’d like the chance to do someday? visit all the haunted places i’ve ever read about, and prolly explore old ruins. i was way into archaeological finds etc way back

25. Do you typically speak your mind when you have a controversial opinion? Or do generally prefer to not rock the boat? i try to say it in the most courteous way possible. i can’t keep it to myself because it would bother me and my mind would just dwell on it forever but i also don’t like offending people haha

26. What’s the dumbest fad you’ve been caught up in? sTiCkY cApS in chat (but i stopped after a month okay, and i was 12)

27. What’s something you thought was cool as a kid/adolescent, but now cringe at yourself for? typing in sTiCkY CaPs. kill 12 year old me pls

28. What’s a trait you consider to be very admirable? being kind and yet still firm when needed even when it comes to friends. i really admire people who don’t just blindly agree with their peers

29. Is there a particular kind of item people always tend to give you as gifts? (For instance, people always get you things with ducks on them because you like ducks, etc.) people give me stuff with owls, bears, hedgehogs, or stars because i love them. i also love stationery and pens. i like getting different colors and i never use them. i just keep them forever haha

30. Do you speak multiple languages? Which ones? i know a bit of stuff from other languages but not enough to be proud of it. i don’t want to be a poser and claim yeaaaahh i speak this and that lol

31. Would you rather live in the big city or the countryside? city please. i hate the quiet countryside. it’s like if someone comes to kill you and there’s no one around and you’d be all “this is why i should’ve been in the city with people everywhere”

32. Has there ever been something you were certain you’d hate, but ended up loving? byron wagner from midcin. when i first started and i saw him i was all, ehh eyepatch dude. so edgy. lmao. i even purposely skipped him during certain events and i regret that now.

33. Do you mind being the center of attention, or do you prefer the spotlight to be on someone else? i don’t want to be the center of attention, i’d feel awkward

34. Favorite holiday? the usual, christmas and new years eve... but i miss having an actual christmas where it isn’t summer...

35. Are you a more go-with-the-flow type of person, or do you need to have things planned meticulously? i always have a plan lol

36. Is there something you loved so much you wish you could forget it and experience it all over again? (A tv show, book, series–anything.) hmm, i can watch something over and over with no problem. all good

37. What hobbies do you have? reading (but it’s mostly fantasy and sci-fi), watching crap, annoying my dogs, playing video games, making stories in my head. I WISH I COULD WRITE AND DO IMAGERY WELL. oh well

38. If you could have a superpower, but it was only mildly useful, what ability would you want to have? the ability to moisturize instantly, one click. that’ll save me time daily

39. Something people are always surprised to learn about you that i like video games and anime lol. and that i’m happy to talk to them T_T

40. Something that took you way too long to figure out i still don’t know how to knife. how to knife~ i mean how to slice things or chop things or do anything in the kitchen

41. Worst injury you’ve had? is it considered an injury when you’ve had to get 4 major surgeries in a year? i mean i guess tending to / waiting for the surgery scars to get better can be considered an injury since it took a while and it was sorta a pain

42. Any morbid fascinations? umm, i can’t think of one

43. Describe your sense of humor i don’t really know lol. i make a lot of jokes and sometimes it breaks the mood for people lol

44. If you had to be born in another era/place, which would you choose? i really like princess stuff but the real medieval stuff would be dirty people who don’t take baths and really horrible stuff so maybe just the fantasy version of that + high speed internet

45. Something you are irredeemably bad at not rambling when i really like something. to the people who’ve ever had to listen to me whenever i got excited about something-- i’m sorry

46. Something that sucked but you’re glad you went through going to a nature retreat thing 3 months ago or something. i had no internet and it made me cry inside but i guess it was fine

47. Would you rather have a really godawful ugly tattoo in a place that is only slightly inconvenient to conceal with clothing (upper arm, thigh, etc.), or the coolest, most beautiful tattoo ever in the middle of your face? (Neither tattoo can be removed or concealed with makeup, and the ugly tattoo will deeply offend anyone who sees it.) i don’t really want tattoos in general so i guess the ugly one.

48. Are you more of an optimist or a pessimist? optimist

49. What would be the most flattering compliment someone could give you? something that isn’t physical or shallow. i’d be really happy if people noticed my achievements or if they liked something about my personality-- or if they found me funny lol

50. Something you feel people often misunderstand about you that i’m not nice lol because i keep to myself unless spoken to irl + that unimpressed scowl i always have. it’s like my default facial expression!

not forcing anyone to do it since it’s very long, just tagging for the sake of tagging! and i think most of the people i know have already been tagged? i’ve seen this tagged post done by most of them lol

@ashnable @nimmywik @captiveotomeprincess @otometrashcan  @princessdiarymdc @arimii @madamemalfoy21 @kinkymint @oh-my-otome

Happiness

I want to write about happiness in general as a series. For most of my life I could say that I have been pretty damn happy. But lately throughout the past few years I seem to have lost my touch with it. I hope that in writing this series full of my thoughts, anecdotes, and past experiences, I am able to reclaim where I left off mentally and emotionally. This is Chapter 4.

Goodness

Normally I start by writing a story about what happened in my past or something I can relate to. However, today I’m going to start differently because what I am going to write is about the worst thing I have ever done to someone else. And I want to ask the important questions first. Do good people do bad things, if good people do bad things then are they considered good people, do bad people do good things, and lastly, do bad people stay bad even if they do good? Please pay attention to the lack of double standard there. I think it’s clear how I feel about the prospective chances of bad people going good but I’m much more torn on good people doing bad things and whether or not they’re able to be considered good. For quite some time, perhaps my whole life even, I went by the notion of not caring what people do as long as they don’t hurt anyone else. And I broke that rule of mine during my senior year of high school.

Don’t ever bring my name up to Sherry in any way whatsoever. Don’t bring it up in discussing your day, don’t bring it up in discussing this blog, don’t bring it up at all. And you’ll know why after reading what I did.

My senior year in high school, she owed me 28 bucks and would always try to avoid me whenever the money was brought into discussion. If it was about talking about her day, then we would talk. When the money gets brought up, no more discussion. If it was me trying to spit game and telling her how beautiful her smile is, we would talk and she’d ask about my day. Then when the money was brought up, no more discussion. And so one night. I hit up two of my friends and I told them I was going to key a car and I asked them if they were down. They said yes. So we went to her townhouse and keyed the shit out of her car. Every single angle, every detail, every corner. Front, back, side, top. And that was the end of it. Of course she was devastated but she never brought it up in text. I didn’t know how long she knew for that I did it but she eventually called me out on it. After my freshman year in college, I got hired and was pretty stoked. Only then to open my phone to see a message from her boyfriend demanding that I pay up to fix the car because Sherry in her smallest tolerance for compassion wanted to show me mercy. So I worked all year long to pay her $2000 through the months while I paid for bills and living expenses going through college (bless thy soul for UC Merced being cheap as shit). So that’s what happened. Worst thing I ever did in my life and you should be shocked. Flabbergasted, absolutely disgusted that I did something so cruel to someone I used to call my friend over a petty $28 dollars.

Only five people know that I keyed her car. Of course Sherry, my two accomplices, her boyfriend, and my friend who wired her the money (I deposited money to his account and he would wire the money for me because I didn’t want my parents to track that I was wiring money every month). Pretty fucking bad.

And so I ask, where am I in this spectrum of good and bad? Because there are plenty of people who say that I am absolute scum because of another event that I will talk about next time, and there are some people who say I’m great. There are others who are indifferent, as well as some who rather not from what they heard about me.

So do good people do bad? Absolutely. Does that still mean they’re considered good people? That’s the tough question to think about. See I have this approach about a higher power… without speaking on religion directly, I believe in a sense of karma that is widely generalized in that good things happen to those that do good, and bad things happen to those that do bad. I think whenever something bad happens to me, is this life’s way of punishing me for what I did to Sherry and other bad things throughout that I have done? If i lie to someone, does that mean someone will lie to me in return in a way I wouldn’t know just like how the person I lied to didn’t know I lied to them? If I cheat on my homework, will I be screwed later outside of homework? If I steal food, will I have other things stolen from me? And so I find myself standing on a moral scale of where I am being tipped in the balance. Yet, how about the positives in my life? Do I get rewarded in ways I’m not aware of when I feed the homeless, tutor for free, go out of my way to help others? But what about this: do I feel like I need to do good to balance out the bad that I did? And when people say thank you, will that good be awarded with good in return, or was the good weighted as payment for my previous actions? It’s crazy. I feel like I want to live a new life.  A post high school graduation life constructed away from the pre-graduation.

I struggled to tell anyone about what I did to Sherry because I didn’t want people to view me so negatively. I keep asking myself, maybe if I show everyone that “hey im a good fucking person” maybe they wouldn’t see the event of which I told earlier in this blog as character defining. And I’m not really sure if it is character defining. Do good people do bad? So where does it put me as? Would I be considered a bad person, or can I still call myself good? Can it be neither and rather in between? But if I consider myself bad, then certainly there are bad things headed my way. Maybe the bad already has happened. I got robbed from pretty considerably recently, and I did pay the 2 grand it cost for the new paint job after all. Can I still see myself as good? Because there are things in my past as well as the current way that I live that I feel as if doesn’t deserve to be called good. I still think about what I did to Sherry and I feel tremendously awful because even with the monetary equity I paid as my atonement, nothing can get over the emotional and mental pain of betrayal that Sherry felt when she realized I was the one who keyed her car. That’s why I say never to bring me up to her ever again because part of the atonement to this day to ease her mental and emotional state is to never be a part of her life in any way shape or form. Do bad things happen to good people? If I can still call myself good, the woman I truly felt stronger for than any one else was Stacy. Stacy was Sherry’s best friend and I’m not even sure if Sherry told Stacy about what I did. If she did, then Stacy has done a damn good job at never bringing it up but I don’t think Sherry has because Stacy and I have hung out and talked somewhat regularly afterwards. But on that note of Stacy, I gave up chasing her even though there were times I felt we were really close and had a chance. However, if I was serious about my atonement and future with Stacy, I could never have one with her because of what implication that would bring about to Sherry’s life as well as going back on my word to never be involved with Sherry in whatever way possible.

It’s crazy that today, to whoever is reading this, maybe to those I met after high school for the first time you guys are thinking wow he did that? And if that changes your opinion of me then that’s fair. But it’s important to me to come out with this because this notion of goodness as well as my own internal conflict with that notion has been going back and forth day after day over and over again. And I think my inability to come to terms with my mental state with it has caused to feel regret about whenever I am happy. Regret in that I never completely felt that I deserved to be happy because of the many bad things I did. So is happiness a reward? Is it atonement in its own way? And thus, let’s change the question a bit. Do good people who do bad, deserve happiness and at the same time, do bad people who do good, deserve happiness? I constantly search over and over about where I am in that regards. I want to say I’m good, but without a doubt I struggle with the idea that are good people able to still call themselves good even if they do bad? Cause otherwise wouldn’t that make me a bad person? This is something I struggle with today as my life goes through the motions and my responses up to this point has been to constantly do good wherever and whenever I can. And I think that’s just about the only thing I can do, in fact, the only thing anyone can do. To which I think yes, good people who do bad can still be considered good people. There is repentance and I am trying to walk that path because I can’t say I’m truly happy if I’m in a state where I don’t believe deserve it. Thank you for reading.

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oh heck idk who keeps sending me these 1- whatever number but ur killin me and at the same time w/e ;)1 first time i watched my fav movie was tombstone idk how old i was but i was prolly leaning foward on the edge of the couch mouth wide open with an unbreakable gaze haha2 first kiss, was a girl and we were hanging out and she said i bet youre too chicken to kiss me and i was so i did it anyway 🤷🏼‍♀️3 ^^ things got crazy outta hand, fun bc shes my best friend in the world and i could never see her like that again 😂4 not treating people as well as i should have5 i had a treasure hunt birthday when i was like 8 it was p cool, lots of cool prizes6 my 16th prolly bc i was elk hunting and i sat in -11 degrees F for the whole day7 my thighs8 Im really proud of who i am today, i still have a long ways to go but i feel good about it9 i like my eyes lol 10 not really a fighter so i dont recall11 i have a lot of surf/skate/ snowboarding dreams where i totally rip it up and it feels amazing and then i wake up haha12 scissors cutting grass- weird af ik but it always would wake me up freaking out13 first time sex w a girl was a little awkward, neither of us knew what we were doing, and with a guy it just sucked 😂14 i lived in hawaii for a year that was basically vaca15 maybe right now?? things could be better but im not complaining16 i went up to boulder co and i met this girl up there and she took me to this small house party and i talked to a lot of chill people and then later on she led me up da stairs somewhere quiet where it could be just the 2 of us haha v nice. v smooth.17 theres a lot of cool nurses at my work id be down to be friends with18 i changed the F's on my report card to B's and i got in huge trouble and thought my life was over19 i didnt have any friends20 first time i smoked weed was wild i think i was a junior21 this girl had been trying to sleep w me for a while and i had to keep telling her nah bc i valued our friendship to much22 lightning is really weird for me23repeat question24 my friends parents were getting divorced and he told me and he told me how he was feeling and it was cool bc i didnt know he felt that close to me25 dont have any?26 sleep and watch netflix and go on tumblr27 i really like eyes lips and hands28 fetishes hmm idk maybe being tied up but nuthin weird i dont think. like doing coke off of girls tits and asses ig29 be real with me30 overbearing31 oh shit this gives me anxiety next32 this little forest outside my grandmas house, it seemed so big and deep to me as a kid but i look at it now and its like 10ftx10ft haha33 go to the dog park with my buddy34 i get hurt alot and i have a high pain tolerance so i couldnt tell ya35 i wish i could stop having anxiety36 being lazy37 my bestie lol shes beautiful and smart and fun but i donnnnnnnt see her like that anymore38 too many39 dont stress too much, everything falls into place40 my last real soccer game i got kneed in the temple and got a major concussion and so ya that p much put me out