#maybe ill delete both of these posts tomorrow when i realize how dumb this is to say in the first place | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ganondoodle · 3 months

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sorry about that last rambling post, i didnt mean to sound like its worse than it may be, but i got no ... lense to view it through but my own, and the main reason i wrote it out anyway was bc i needed to get it out (even if posting it might be not the greatest idea) .. and bc it kinda showcases, i think, how my stories kinda write themselves, involuntarily in a way? its not like im not putting in any effort- but its like .. i cant STOP it always keeps going and even the dumbest idea stays in some form, its very hard to get everything in place bc theres so much going on all the while i am very slow at making anything, writing or drawing anything, especially anythign coherent is very hard bc not only do i get constantly distracted, i get distracted by my own thoughts suddendly skipping to a certain scene and me having to go throguh imagining in detail NO MATTER how many times i have done it before for the same scene that i already decided on how it goes, when theres a new idea it can take over my entire day bc i cant let go of it-

not trying to sound either like im the only that has that sort of problem, but i think its a big part as of why i start tso many projects without being able to finish them, or even start them bc i constantly have to fight my own thoughts from derailing into another daydream session, thinking of too much too fast than i can ever draw or even write about and not knowing what is worthwhile and what isnt (im telling you i have no idea what is good and what isnt, idk why but for all i know all things i do could be trash, or they all could be bad, maybe the one i thinnk is decent is actually worse than the things i deem not good enough and once i start to think no this isnt good enough i stop having fun making or thinking it bc im trying to do better

honestly its kind of impressive that i can get anything out at all, not to pat myself on the back there but even if i hate how long it takes me, considering how much im having to work just to start working on something at all, the fact that i could post stuff coherent enough for some people to understand AND LIKE is something i should be a little more proud of

#ganondoodles talks #personal #sorry today is a bit of a brain fart day #got a headache and have wasted the entire time until now (5pm) with watching old analysis videos i have watched 5 times already #and crying over undertales music #how much could i get done if i didnt have to deal with thought trains going 200 above speed limit #also didnt mean to sound mean to people who like the things i deem cringy #BC I DONT KNOW WHAT IM TALKIGN ABOUT 90% OF THE TIME #I DONT KNOW IF ITS GOOD maybe it is #my judgement of my own stuff is pretty random #.... maybe thats why i can work with fanstuff that adheres to lore better #bc it sets limits for me #it gives me options of rails to derail onto without falling straight into the woods #idk if that made sense either #... i need to start drinking more #(and i guess by calling some of my stuff cringe bc i am entirely unsure of its quality im trying to make myself smaller than i am)#(so if it turns out to be actually bad- im more safe from ridicule since LOOK I AM SELF AWARE)#and there i go letting my thoughts spin further #maybe ill delete both of these posts tomorrow when i realize how dumb this is to say in the first place

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choupichoups · 5 years

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Press F (Instagram/College AU)

Lucas swears he’s the absolute master of undetected stalking. Or: Eliott is instagram famous and Lucas is the disaster gay who accidentally likes his post.

He smiles down at the screen, scrolling through the hilarious comments on the post. The exaggerated marriage proposals are probably his favourite because, honestly, same but he’d never be caught dead saying shit like that. Even as a joke.

Maybe.

Lucas sinks deeper into the couch, dimming the brightness on his phone screen just in case Yann happens to look over at some point. It’s not like Yann doesn’t know what he’s up to most of the time, but he’d still like to save himself from some of the teasing, thank you very much.

“Did you see that?” Yann yells at no one in particular, fully engrossed in the game they’re playing. Or they had been playing, since Lucas died in the game a good few minutes ago. He’s got better things to do anyway— like check the guy’s profile for any new updates he might have missed. Lucas isn’t exactly on top of his game when it comes to keeping up with Instagram but ever since his great discovery, he’s spent more time scrolling through the app in more recent times that his entire high school years combined.

“I’m doing another round of this before we switch up the game, okay?” Yann murmurs, already pressing the buttons before Lucas even replies. The latter shrugs, doesn’t care whether he gets to play for the next while. He’s much too preoccupied staring at the new photo he’s been graced with.

The dude, the myth, the legend. Eliott Demaury.

Lucas found out about him nearly two months ago— or more accurately, he found Eliott’s short film, Polaris, while scrolling through Youtube one dull Friday night. He’d watched the entire thing at three o’clock in the morning and promptly obsessed over it for the next couple of hours. Finding the director’s Instagram and seeing a puzzle posted on it hadn’t doused his interest either. If anything, that just made it worse. His last two braincells had worked in overdrive trying to rewatch the film and solve the puzzle at the same time.

Needless to say, he’d managed to find Eliott’s personal account in the end but the feeling of accomplishment only lasted until he saw that quite a lot of people had also found it. Mr. Demaury, has, in fact, half a million followers on his Instagram and Lucas could have probably found it easily if he’d just googled it instead of driving himself nuts figuring out what the riddle meant.

“Man, this is too hard.” Yann groans from beside him and Lucas can only assume he’s lost another round. He offers a vague noise of sympathy for his friend. “Are you really doing this right now?”

“Hm?”

“You’re really out here stalking your man during our we time?”

Lucas drags his gaze off of Eliott’s majestic photo so Yann can get a full view of his frown. “Our what now?”

“This is our time, Lucas. Best friend bonding time. 22h to 24h, it’s on the contract.”

He starts laughing, can’t help it when faced with the truly affronted expression all over Yann’s face. “What contract?”

“You signed it when you were like two years old.”

“Uh huh.” Now certain that Yann’s just talking nonsense, Lucas returns his attention back on his phone. “Legit age to be signing contracts.”

Yann doesn’t say anything but he steals Lucas’ phone from his grip and holds it out of reach when Lucas scrambles to get it back. “You don’t even follow him, what the hell?”

“That doesn’t matter, give it back!”

“So what, you just search up his profile all the time?”

“What about it?”

“That’s so sad, Lucas.”

“Shut up,” he says, snatching his phone back once it’s finally in his reach. “Imane knows this guy, I won’t hear the end of it if they get even a little hint that I’m looking at— Yann!” he screeches, shaking Yann’s shoulder with one hand while his other holds the phone up to his face.

The horror in his voice must be evident because Yann immediately straightens up, dragging Lucas close so he can take a look at the screen as well. “What?”

“Oh no… oh no no no.”

“Oh shit.”

“What do I do?!” Lucas waves his phone at Yann, almost decking him on the nose in the process. Yann stills him, shaking his head at the bright red heart below Eliott’s post. “Do you think I should unlike it? I can still do that right? He won’t see the notification, he gets a lot anyway.”

“No, man, that just makes it weird.”

“But…”

“You have to follow him.”

Lucas gives him a withering look. “Are you serious right now?”

“It’s natural! You like the post, okay, chill, next you follow. He gets lots of notifications, as you said. By the time he checks back, 200 other people would have followed him too. Wait a couple more days then unfollow and unlike.” Yann rubs at his back, sounding so sure of himself. “Then you can go back to your sad stalking ways after that.”

He shoves at Yann with a scowl, making sure to kick at his friend’s limbs as he slides off from where he’d basically crawled into the other’s lap in a desperate bid to retrieve his phone. And look where all that effort has gotten him.

“You sure that’s not weird?”

Yann throws a pillow at his face. “I already said it’s natural. Honestly if somebody did that to me I wouldn’t think anything weird of it.”

“Okay.”

Lucas hits the follow button, closes out of the app, and shoves his phone under the cushions. Whatever happens next is a problem for tomorrow.

He doesn’t go back on Instagram until well into Tuesday evening, choosing instead to finish all of his homework and maybe do a little bit of reading ahead of time for his biology class. It’s a wonder how much one is capable of getting done while avoiding the thing they usually obsess over.

But he’s only human. So letting go of all the self control he’s managed to conjure up the entire morning, he pulls up the app and slowly scrolls through the new content. He doesn’t know why he’s dreading this so much anyway— literally nothing is probably going to happen. Eliott won’t even notice the new addition to his massive following and Lucas would be able to see his posts without having to search up his username all the goddamn time. It’s a win-win.

Lucas doesn’t curb the smile pulling at the corners of his lips, even though a small part of him is a little disappointed. Not that he’s expecting anything to come out of this ridiculous infatuation anyway but knowing what Polaris is paired with that caption, the post sounds increasingly more romantic the longer he thinks about it.

So Eliott’s taken already. That’s cool. Great. But this is nice, at least, Eliott’s posts being readily accessible for him like this. Maybe he shouldn’t have made a big deal about following the guy in the first place. Only Imane seems to know both Eliott and Lucas anyway and she’s not the type to unnecessarily pry into other people’s business.

He still doesn’t hit like on the post though. He has to be subtle about this, he’ll wait a couple more posts to go before liking another one. Lucas is extra careful to avoid double tapping the screen when he goes back to his feed, no longer holding his breath for a catastrophe as he mindlessly goes through other new posts and notifications.

Which explains why he’s entirely too unprepared for what happens next.

srodulv started following you.

He clutches at his phone with both hands, forcibly shoving down the urge to scream and throw his phone out the window. He’s ill-equipped to deal with this. It’s not supposed to happen; Eliott shouldn’t have noticed him and Lucas should be free to get on with his life without knowing that some god in human form has probably seen the dumb photos he posts with him and the gang and— oh god, what did he post during that party last week again? It doesn’t look too stupid does it?

Lucas frantically skims through his own profile, wanting to shrivel up and die for every post he finds way too embarrassing to be seen by the guy.

The apartment door creaks open and Lucas throws himself off his bed, running out to the living room and most likely startling Yann out of his mind but that doesn’t matter right now.

“Yann!” he yells out, reminiscent of the panicked tone he’d used the night before.

“Huh?” Yann turns around, dropping his bag on the floor as he slips out of his shoes.

Lucas stands in front of him, holding out the phone over his head like it’s Simba. “He noticed me,” he whispers as if there’s a chance that anyone else would hear them.

“Who?” Yann looks from Lucas’ wide eyes to the phone in his hand. The screen is eye level for Yann so he merely peeks up to see what all the fuss is about. “Oh.”

And then Yann starts laughing. Lucas, personally, doesn’t find anything amusing in this situation.

“Can you stop that? I’m so stressed out right now,” he huffs, bringing the phone back down to his chest so he can stare some more at the notification that changed his life.

“Sorry, you gotta admit it’s a little funny.”

It’s not, but okay. Lucas continues frowning down at the screen, wondering if it would be too weird to mass delete half of his old posts.

Yann takes his phone away before he does anything stupid.

“You said he won’t even realize,” Lucas mumbles miserably, mind flashing back to that one stupid meme he’d posted about three weeks ago. God, Eliott’s going to unfollow in the next ten minutes.

“I’m not right about everything. Anyway, isn’t this a good thing? The guy only follows like 20 people and you’re one of them.”

Wait, what?

He reaches up, tilts his own phone in Yann’s hand so he can confirm that with his own eyes.

And okay, maybe that makes him feel a little giddy inside. Deep down. Just a little.

“Congrats, man. Not everyone gets noticed by their crush.”

“I don’t have a crush.”

“Sure.”

“Shut up.”

His phone beeps with another notification and they both look down at it simultaneously, like birds honing in on loose bread. It’s almost comical the way they gasp in unison when the notifications start popping up. From instagram user srodulv. Eliott. Eliott’s straight up just… liking a lot of his posts. Embarrassing memes included.

Yann opens his mouth to say something but Lucas grabs the phone out of his grip and runs back into his room, shutting the door so he can freak out in peace.

#elu #skam france #skamfr #elu fic #thats a lotta tags #did i make this blog just so i can post this?#more likely than you think #this is how i cope #all the au #i feel like we're all just staring into the void #waiting for the clip to drop #im gonna sleep #elu insta au #fictag

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hecallsmehischild · 7 years

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The Hiatus And What Passed

In typical overly rambly Child style, here’s more or less what happened while I was away from social media. Under the cut because Child doesn’t know the meaning of brevity.

I have watched

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children. The second half is trash, read the book. If you never read the book, the second half is still trash (twins could have solved EVERYTHING in the first few minutes ARRRRRGH)

Storks. So excessively dumb, cliche, and ridiculous that it knew it was excessively dumb, cliche, and ridiculous and therefore was kind of enjoyable.

Collateral Beauty. Beautiful. 10/10 recommend.

Minions Movie. I went in expecting stupid. I was not disappointed. I need to delete this movie from my brain by repeated watchings of Despicable Me 1 & 2…

Five episodes of Miraculous Ladybug. Finally checked it out. Conclusion: While Ladybug and Chat Noir are now an OTP for me, the series is just too cheesy and repetitive for me to really sink into it.

I have read

(2/3 of) Codependent No More. I needed this book. I needed it so much.

(started) The Problem of Pain by CS Lewis.

Pendragon by Stephen Lawhead.

(started) Grail by Stephen Lawhead.

A friend’s manuscript

Runaways, an MSA fic by Tyigra that I meant to read MONTHS ago… (SCREEEEEECHES over how good it is)

I have made

Two stained-glass wire flower crowns

A beaded heart

One more wire tree

Three paintings (all commissions are now caught up)

A new twist on the usual cookies I make for work (such that from now on when I make cookies for work I have to make TWO batches because both are a hit)

A recording of a song I wrote for my boyfriend’s Christmas present

The beginnings of another blanket

I have written

Half a metaphorical children’s story about Codependency

Several pages in my journal

3 chapters of Torn Apart

I got an unusually excessive amount of crafting materials. I went for a ride in a surrey with my boyfriend. I walked (and sat and slept) in the Getty, both gardens and grounds. I met @humming-fly. I reconnected with another childhood friend I hadn’t caught up with for years.

I cried out to God in pain. I soaked in His presence in the times the pain broke. I thought about never coming back online again. I thought about coming back online and continuing exactly as I had before.

I recognized certain behaviors I’m not able to change when in depression, at least by myself, because the will to do so myself is a broken tool right now. I recognized that, when possible, I need to return to therapy. I lost a lot of my left eyebrow to pulling. I thought about medication. I finished watching Gravity Falls with Bonnie, my middle sister.

I acknowledged that I absolutely despise my novel and deeply resent the current protagonist for hijacking my story. I admired her strength and beauty as a character, next to her friend, and hoped I could get over my resentment enough to watch where she goes.

I realized which friendships in my life were healthy and which ones were mostly healthy and which ones I had allowed myself to become too much the rescuer while mitigating my own hurts and pains in relation to the person, an unhealthy dynamic that has repeatedly been my part in past failed friendships (I am not taking all responsibility for the failure of the friendships, only that this was my part in them, repeatedly, because this is my pattern).

Realized I will probably never stop flailing and that so long as I own a Tumblr, that Tumblr will be primarily a record of me flailing, so I might as well accept it and stop fighting. Realized I’d probably try to fight it anyway because it’s one of the things I just do.

If I didn’t feel I had the time or energy to do something I’d planned to, I let it go because I actually felt I would have the time to do them the next day, instead of my stuff getting pushed off for several days at a time if I didn’t get it done right away. I wondered if I’d ever write anything good again, as I deleted several thousand words of fanfiction I didn’t deem good enough to save. I bookmarked several free psychology lecture series online thinking maybe I could learn something academic for a change. I began tracking my swings on my calendar again with a line that looks like a heart monitor from day to day.

Decided that I should probably only spend two days a week on social media. Bought myself Invader Zim volumes 1 & 2 (encompassing the first ten issues) as an early birthday present. Almost bought an MSA Arthur keychain only to find it was OUT OF STOCK (weeping, wailing, and gnashing of teeth ensued). Purged a buildup of over 300 emails and drafts from my webmail. I vacuumed carpets and swept floors and organized chunks of the apartment.

Realized I’m very, very tired of being keelhauled by my emotional state on a regular basis. That I feel less able, less competent, and less able to change things because I have a mental illness. That it feels like all I’m able to do is exist from moment to moment because anything I set my hand to do long term, if it’s for myself, most often ends in flaming failure. And yet, still, somehow, I hope this constant in-the-moment-don’t-know-how-to-get-out-of-it flailing is good enough. Acceptable. Dare I say it, seen and commended, somehow, because I’m trying. I think. I think I’m trying. Sometimes I can’t tell what’s trying.

Firmly decided to filter politics from my Tumblr feed, not by unfriending, but by utilizing blacklist. I cannot descend into the morass of despair that has shown up on my feed in recent months--not that I cannot speak to people one on one, but I cannot watch it wash over my feed on a regular basis. I. Will. Drown. And I refuse to drown if I know how to stop it. In similar news, decided that two days a week on social media is a good cap that will balance me spending time in the communities I enjoy, talking with my friends, and attending to other things in my life (including myself). Tumblr App has been uninstalled from my phone.

I took my sisters to a Broadway singing pizza parlor called Miceli’s and it was fabulous. I blew through the three Kung Fu Panda movies with my boyfriend. Generally spent time doing things that made me very happy or, if not happy, allowed me to heal. I am in no way saying that I am completely healed. I tend to go in cycles of highs and lows. But this low lasted much longer than usual, and drastic measures were required. And a few more measures I have put in place, as seen threaded throughout the last few paragraphs, will remain. Specifically, Social Media is only 2 days a week, and I can no longer be reached through Tumblr except when I am HOME in range of my laptop. There will be no more communication from me through Tumblr when I am out. Other things I am working on align more with what I am reading in Co-Dependent No More but I will have to see how things play out before I talk much about that. So... that is that.

I have a lot of things I will be posting tomorrow, mostly art things and completed chapters, but I won’t be talking much until Tuesday most likely. But, on a sporadic basis, I am more or less contact-able again.

#rlchild #much flailing and also good things

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