LOOK!!!!!! BOYFRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!!

honest to god i think i spend more of my time artblocked than drawing. im being so serious right now when i say i havent drawn something decent/beyond a draft in more than 2 months and its driving me insane

medical malpractice is not allowed in the daycare ig

I have a serious case of The Artblock so all I have to offer rn is this half-baked comic, sorry; So I made this because the fact that there's just a hammer and a bow saw in the first aid/medical attention level fucking BAFFLES ME

like theres probably a medical use to them, but idk, Fazco barely having the care to explain how to properly/correctly use these tools and what they are for and making you use the "relaxation" mask cuz u fucked up just makes my head explode. ALSO CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING RELAXATION MASK. I dont think regular staff is qualified to do this but idk man im an artist not a doctor

// vent :/ about my current state of mind bc its bothering me so much and i keep monologuing about it instead of sleeping

ik i never talk to anyone on here so no ones rly gonna care that much but i just need to communicate what im thinking to anyone so i can sleep

but yea im currently in a crazy possibly covid worsened episode which is why all my art is old stuff i already scheduled, and i fucking HATE IT HERE !!!!!!!

i havent talked to my one (1) friend in days and from the stray notifications i catch hes getting frustrated and i hate it bc i feel rly bad and i wanna talk to him but i just CANT !!!!!!! like i literally dont have the energy for any form of socialization and its not like i just dont wanna talk to him its literally i csnt talk to anyone rn or i will cry and or pass out it sucks

and whats worse is i cant wven like justify or explain being gone bc when i have episodes like this my brain is just in a constant i hate talking i hate all people i hate having friends i hate my friends state which is NOT TRUE i love people i love having friends but i just get so tired and i dont know why bc no one else seems to struggle like that and idk how to like communicate that to someone without upsetting them :(

and it sucks cuz i don even have a therapist anymore bc NOT A SINGLE ONE gave me like a piece of paper or something so i could talk and the last we heard from bup was they "put me in the queue" for a neuropsych eval, all i have now is the bald commune man that brings us french bread everh other week but hes more a driver and occasional infodump bin than anything (no offense ily torbjörn <3)

i also got artblock again so i cant even make myself feel better by drawing little guys :((((

i yearn for one(1) thing only, and that is to have a nice, simplistic, cartoonish artstyle. an artstyle that doesnt rely on anatomy, but the "movement" of the drawing, if you get what i mean.

i dont want realistic proportions and traditional colors and basic poses and gradient shading, i want funky lil dudes in funky poses with funky styles littering my sketchbook :( but alas i havent figured out how to develop that kind of style yet, my brain wants anatomy to look nice but also i dont want to draw eyes. i dont want to take time out of my day to learn how to draw lips i want to draw a line that extends past the characters face. i dont want all my characters to have pointy chins with curved cheeks i want their heads to be round and friend-like or full of sharp edges depending on their personalities and styles. i want to give them all not-quite human ears, blob feet, simple faces, but at the same time i want enough detail to convey the story or emotion im trying to tell.

ive spent so much time recently agonizing over how to use 3d model websites, using real-life references and tracing over them for practice, color-picking from real images to try and do realism and failing miserably, but you know whats easier than that? funky little dudes. little dudes who do not care if their legs are too long or their hair is too bouncy. i dont want my characters to look human.

ive spent enough time on the artfight website to realize that most people who classify their characters as "human" have the most basic ass designs (no offense to people who like basic human designs its just not my thing) or its like dnd-medieval style outfits which i cant draw for the life of me (ive tried). again no offense to people who actively enjoy and draw characters like that. i just need my dudes to have that certain,,, off-ness to them. tails are cool. wings are swag (especially if they arent even like,, fully attached,, ), elf ears are so wonderful to me no matter how much theyre overused, horns are so much fun to draw, and colors!! i have no knowledge in the color theory department so this works great for me!! the only thing i really know is dont shade with black, other than that i just colorpick from references usually but i dont want to do that!! i want the colors to hurt people's eyes but in a satisfying way. like the character's design is so nice to look at that you dont mind your eyes hurting a bit. like how im enjoying writing this post even though its 2 am and the brightness on my computer wont go any lower.

and then another thing ive noticed from being on the artfight website is that a lot of people classify their characters that are anthro/have anthro features under humanoids/monsters. like i made a google form to find some people to attack and someone sent me in a character with some sort of animal (wolf? idk) arms and legs. like dude!! peak character design i love her. but me personally? i cant draw that shit, its so hard for me. i tried a while back and its just Not my thing. nothing against furries i just. cant. and i dont want to either.

and i got another submission that i accidentally deleted that was like full anthro/wolf-like like my comrade,,, i cannot draw animals what makes you think i can draw an animal who acts like a human lmao. i can do like. very basic tails, and also animal ears but i cant do the arms and legs and such i just dont know the anatomy, and i know i was talking about how i dont want to care about anatomy but i feel like for anthros you really do need to know at least basic animal anatomy so you know how the limbs look and shit and i dont have that knowledge and dont feel like gaining it.

and then there were some submissions that i absolutely adored. there was one that like, was vaguely human shaped but definitely was not a human. they had a dark-ish lavender colored skin and horns and tusks and like goat ears and a sorta fluffy tail with spikes on it and they had wings and such and they were such a pleasure to draw i love them. and they had a fairly simple outfit too, nothing too complicated. and then i also enjoy object head characters, theyre so neato to me. i got one of those and i really wish i had the motivation to work on it cause it looks so fun.

i want to make funky characters but id have nothing to do with them because the only book i ever tried writing (key word tried - never got past planning it out) had strictly human characters in it, and most of the books i read are humans/humans with powers in situations specific to them so id have no idea what lore to make with the dudes. assuming i have the motivation to make lore and backstory because honestly i just really enjoy character designing its super duper fun.

(side note a song about trucks doing the deed came on just now and its interrupted my flow, apologies).

i only have three actual characters right now. one is an original roleplay oc whos design is literally athletic shorts, an oversized long sleeved grey sweatshirt, long purple hair, and demon horns. the second one is my persona whos design some sorta medival knight outfit kinda thing? but not ugly it looks really cool (idk one of my friends designed it bc i won some contest from him but the drawing was on a super small scale so idrk the details,,,) with a plague doctor mask and crown, and shoulder length wavy brown hair, dyed bright pink at the end. and then my last one im not too comfortable using other places because theyre a character my friend is using in the story hes writing, and thats really the only place theyve been used. but theyre easily my favorite and im already writing a ton so ill talk about them too.

they're a sorta elf species thing from another planet, with pale green skin and pointed ears. they also have a tail, its like,, super thin, but with a feathery bit at the end. probably not the texture of a feather but i dont know how else to describe it. they have short, curly, almost-draco-malfoy-blonde hair that when it gets too long they can put in a man bun. their eyesight is kinda shitty so when they got to earth, they were exploring some supply closets around the airship. drop off area. thing. like airport but for rocketships and also fancier. yeah. they were exploring that area and found a nice big pair of round glasses with grey frames. and they also found a cowboy-style hat and a sharpie so they wrote their name on the underside of the brim of the hat and stole the hat and glasses (but left the sharpie in the supply closet).

yeah theyre my favorite, my absolute beloved, my child, so cool. i want more characters like them but with maybe a bit more snazzier designs. theyre super cool and all but they could have more pizzazz if they werent in a story where its too late to give them more pizzazz. i just want to be able to give my characters thigh-high boots with a bunch of buckles and fluffy hair with tons of accessories crammed in and abnormally large and long ears that can harbor many piercings and horns that can hold rings on them and special little details on their outfits like who knows what but i dont have any characters to do that too, so i have to make them from scratch, which is always hard especially when you have artblock.

and i also have like 17 characters i need to fully draw, line, and maybe color for artfight before august 1st. so i dont know. i have many things to do and plenty of time to do it but instead i spend my time halfway watching repetitive youtube videos that get boring or sleeping all damn day because i stay up too late doing things like this or i just do nothing at all and its tiring and frustrating but i also feel nothing about it like theres no consequence if i dont do it besides you know. not doing it, not gaining that experience, not making something i enjoy.

so i should do it but i dont for whatever reason, i think its called executive dysfunction but im not sure. this post started out very differently than it ended and i said somewhere up there that i was writing this at 2 am but now its almost 3. this is so many words why couldnt i have put this energy into something productive

AAA U GUYS ARE YOU TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME HAVING BAD INTERNET ACCESS

Noooooo who sent me 50 bucks nooooo

Youre being too nice and you know that i might not be able to contact you to tell you to take it back!! Aaa!!

Im spending my mobile data to say NOOOO mystery person who sent me "like 25 bottles of juice" please stop being too perfect for this earth aaaa

Like man i dont even know how much im gonna need cos i have never been to this place before and im still learning about the hospice living. And maybe its gonna cost more than i thought cos i talked to the doctor and apparantly i got it wrong and the £4 a week isn't for you to buy your own food but just the budget for cookery lessons. And you're not allowed to buy juice or any other drinks with it, its exclusively your own money for the luxury of 25 juice

SOOOOOO..

I Technically cant say "this is too much" cos i dont KNOW if its too much yet??

BUT ITS DEFINATELY TOO MUCH FOR ONE PERSON!! Like if 50 people gave me 1 pound then i wouldnt feel like i was being too much trouble. But mystery person do you need your money to buy 25 juices for yourself?? Please dont spend more than you can afford on a dumb old doofus like me!

And aaaaaargh i dont even know what i can do in return!! Cos i still have TWO drawings i promised to do for people who helped me with other stuff in like march? But gahh ive been so artblocked and barely posting anything at all and now im stuck with just like 600mb of mobile internet for the month and no way to get pictures to you cos the library computers block tumblr. Splinteredstar i have doodles some Heartless for you but they are bad so im gonna keep trying!! Aaron i lost the reference image of your marshadow oc so i havent finished the pic at all even though its been Forever! Mystery juice person i want to draw you something but i dont wanna make reckless promises again!! But im in therapy so hopefully i'll be able to recapture my inspiration and start doing art again by the time i get out of here. *sigh*

God i love you all

Fuck you, making me cry over juices and then fleeing into the night! You evil genius!