mari how are you 🩷🩷🩷🩷💌

ELLIEEEE <333 im … ok-ish 😭😭 i had a whirlwind of a day today 😭 HRU THO !!!

Yuma Month: Day 31: Post Game

…for the sake of the world’s happiness.

depression is really weird actually wdym i spent 2.5 years of my life in bed

wink blink look !!

Wild that anytime I post an update a lot of people read it and are even excited about it and have their own thoughts and reactions to it that I'll never know.

Comments are only the very tip of the iceberg with it. And I am Very grateful to commenters for letting me in on it. But in the same way that I'll be excited with my friends when a fic we love updates, it's likely that Other people enthuse with Their friends when my fic updates. And it's just so strange. An experience I'll never have access to.

Everyone's relationship with my fic is unique. So many different people with so many different circumstances and preferences... and the number of people that have told me that my fic is one of their favorites, some even saying it's their Favorite favorite... every single one of them have their own relationship with my writing.

It's just interesting to me. I think and think and think on my writing. I have my plans for basically the entire fic, the way I want it to end already thought out, all the major plot beats and the relationship progressions, All of that thought out. I love my writing so very much, but I'm on the inside looking out. This is my mechanical horse, and I'm in here laying out the groundwork and pulling levers and constructing limbs, puttering away making the horse move. Forever and always, my relationship with it will be more intimate than anyone's, and yet more clinical. Because I know it better than the back of my own hand, but I'll never have the experience of reading it fresh. Of reading it without knowing everything that's going to happen from now to the end and beyond. I won't have the thrill of the plot twists I have planned, the delight at seeing things progress, the horror at seeing things go wrong...

This is my mechanical horse, and I'm making it move.

I just always wonder what it must be like to see it from the outside. I hope to others that it's a pretty horse.

DATING IS SO HARD WTF

are you fucking serious that i hated pink during five years of my life to all of sudden my obsession come back

Ok I'm going to like. Infodump abt my crush in the tags bc like. Yeah <:)

Every time you make a post about yourself I’m reminded of how fucking similar we are and it’s always something new and it’s so weird. Like I vent my issues through creative works but sometimes I’ll write it and it’ll take me months to realize that’s a problem I even have. I have several projects about the character (basically my self fucking insert let’s be real) being unfeeling at least out worldly or their powers or whatever they’ve got causes them to have no emotions or they were raised that they literally cannot show emotions (🤨 that’s a real project I’ve had for years. Idk how we are the same person) and therefore don’t. But one that I have in particular has a scene where the MC is watching his sister cry in their mom’s arms and he’s just thinking “how could she let herself be so vulnerable? Isn’t she embarrassed?” And later he realizes he was also somewhat jealous bc while they share a mom, she never lets him be anything but a punching bag and he has to be emotionless. This is totally not based on a real experience whatsoever and I have a normal relationship with my family *eye twitches*. This is so many words to say that I get that a lot. Even when I’m struggling I’d have my mom be like “you’re such an asshole why can’t you just snap yourself out of it” or thinking she’s being lighthearted by going “this is why all your friends leave you” and I’m like ah. I’m never saying anything ever again. Also ah, I come across like an ass when I’m just some guy in my head and in places where I’m relaxed and have the energy to be how I actually am/want to be (close friends, online, etc.). Basically this is so fucking long to say that I get the same shit that you do and it’s garbage, but like everyone else has said I don’t think you’re unfeeling. I get a sense of like camaraderie? Like “same hat” kind of thing, I get what you mean when you say literally anything because I get it? If you were so cold hearted, I think that wouldn’t be a thing because you’d just be nothing, there wouldn’t be anything to relate to? But yeah, I’m shaking your hand. I genuinely don’t know how we are one person split in two, it sounds like I’m just making shit up but I stg I have not lied in your inbox as of yet - 🫐

Also our periods are synced up. I don’t even know you. Genuinely, literally, with my whole soul: what the fuck - 🫐

blueberry anon im experimenting with the paranormal to contact you in increasingly concerning ways can you hear me. i saved this ask for a bit after you sent it just bc it really surprised me the comfort i got just from like. someone not only acknowledging it all but also being like 'we're in this together' type thing. like everything you've ever sent me has me nodding like yeah this guy gets it fr fr, and when a lot of times that's in response to posts i was nervous to make? it means a lot x

the more I watch of the modern Lupin series compared to the old ones it becomes clearer and clearer that the current team of writers and directors and artists just don’t get Goemon. His peak character design was those first few movies imo, where he looks intimidating and way too intense but also out of place and a little silly. Nowadays the that “Moemon” sort of shit has infected TMS and we have to see shit like how Goemon is portrayed in parts 4-6, where he’s massively taken down in any sort of intimidation and the bite to his dialogue is all but gone. At it’s worst it takes his lack of social skills and awkwardness and makes it naïveté and being overly gullible or inept. There are episodes in those parts that don’t do this to Goemon, but they’re not really what the average episode portrays. I just miss the sharp sassy, dangerously intense edge Goemon used to have.

Depression/PTSD recovery is wild because you could be doing greater than you've ever been in your life but then one small thing happens that reminds you of "that time" and suddenly all of the past emotions flood back into you and you feel like you're back to being the kid who's crying and shaking in the corner wondering if the people closest to you would be so much happier without you

coming out of hiatus for a hot second to SCREAM about ni*mona 😭😭😭 i love it i love it i love it SO MUCH MY GOD I WILL CRY OVER IT 😭😭😭😭

Have been playing a life sized multi-dimensional tetris game inside my head for the past few hours (measuring tape as my aid).

I am this close to solving the whole damn thing.

actually gonna fucking pass away or something my friends are so. fucking sweet and amazing and talented and i happen to be blessed by it 

handsewing button holes through 6 layers of fabric is an unfortunately huge pain in the ass and tragically i have to do 18 of them

trying to parse how much of my anxiety is literally just “i developed an extremely toxic relationship with being a translator bc of my low self esteem so even though i hate being bothered and relied on for stupid/petty shit it makes me feel good to be ‘needed’ and now that i don’t have that i feel scared that i’m disposable or even that it will be harder for me to be liked” vs how much is legitimate anxiety about the new job itself

honestly when im at work i don’t feel any typa way, except maybe some boredom because im just working on documents for the time being but i start feeling rly anxious when i get home. this is the third day though so i can hardly say it’s a pattern. im just trying to let myself see what exactly is going on w this job and not make any judgments, and admittedly yesterday’s anxiety was much more manageable than monday’s, but it bothers me that i feel this way at all. maybe a couple months will pass and i’ll realize that it WAS all separation anxiety bc of my unhealthy mindset 🤔