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humanwheatleyslefttoenail · 3 years

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why do you ship chell and glados if glados is basically her mom

Okay this is actually a pretty common misconception in the fandom that unfortunately a lot of people have taken as canon, but I’m feeling nice so I’ll answer your question.

Basically, anon is referencing a theory from around 2012 that Caroline is Chell’s mom. The evidence for the theory is as follows:

- The turret opera calls Chell “bambina”, which means “little girl” in Italian

- Chell’s name can be found on a Bring Your Daughter To Work Day science project

- GLaDOS references the possibility of Chell being adopted multiple times

- GLaDOS is significantly nicer to Chell after discovering she’s Caroline

And, anon, you’re right, it does sound like a pretty good argument at first glance. The problem is that a lot of these points don’t actually hold up to scrutiny.

For example, although “bambina” literally translates to “little girl,” it’s often used in the same way “baby girl” is used in English - it can mean child, but contextually it’s usually a flirtatious term. (Source: Cambridge Dictionary)

For Chell’s science project, it doesn’t work as evidence for the theory because GLaDOS killed the scientists around 1998-ish, when Caroline had presumably been uploaded several years earlier and Cave was already dead. Also, Chell’s in her 20′s, and since we know from Lab Rat/Portal 2 that people don’t age in stasis, and that Doug put Chell at the top of the test subject list only weeks after the takeover, Chell was 28 at the time of the takeover. The science project is really only an Easter egg and doesn’t actually fit into the canon timeline let alone prove anything about Caroline and Cave.

GLaDOS talking about Chell being adopted is a pretty strong point, I’ll admit, but also it’s important to remember that maybe half of what GLaDOS says is true. And even if we take what she says at face value, she also says there’s a man and a woman in stasis with Chell’s last name, which could not have been Cave and Caroline because they were already dead at that point. And the official book Final Hours Of Portal 2 confirms Cave and Caroline were not married and could not have shared the same name anyway. It was also the 50′s, an an unmarried couple of two likely famous people having a child would’ve been scandalous, and yet we see no hint of something like this affecting their company.

Also, although GLaDOS is nicer to Chell after the Caroline reveal, that’s not necessarily indicative of a mother-daughter relationship, and neither is any of their interactions. It’s just. GLaDOS being friendlier.

Finally, when this theory was made (and let’s be honest - it still is happening) Chell was constantly whitewashed to hell and back.

Chell is Japanese-Brazilian, and Cave and Caroline are white, so it would be a near impossibility for her to be their biological child (and insisting otherwise is kinda. just. whitewashing). And although people will cry “adoption!”, based on what I’ve previously proven, that’s pretty much impossible. This theory that somehow she’s Cave and Caroline’s daughter erases an important part of her identity. [Disclaimer, I am white, but this is what I’ve heard from around the fandom]

With all that said, the idea that she’s the daughter of Cave and Caroline really doesn’t hold weight when you really analyze the canon. It’s surface level analysis that doesn’t hold up. And honestly? The idea kinda cheapens the story. It’s much more powerful that GLaDOS learns to care about Chell and becomes kinder than just. Oh, she remembered she’s related to Chell.

But to actually answer your ask.

Why do I ship them?

Well, they aren’t mother and daughter, I think that’s pretty obvious now. But if you actually look at a lot of subtext in Portal 2, without the lens of the mother theory, it’s actually pretty romantic!

I know that sounds ridiculous, but bear with me!

Now - it’s totally okay if you don’t ship them. I get it. Their interactions in Portal 1 and the first half of Portal 2 are toxic if not outright well. Y’know. Murderous. I completely understand why that turns people off from shipping them, and ultimately, shipping is a personal thing. To each his own.

But before you judge me, let me present my case.

Exhibit A: Portal

Portal is kinda gay. No, really. Chell and GLaDOS are enemies in this game, but the entire focus is on their relationship (good or not) and the power struggle between them. They are opposites, two sides of the same coin, different representations of opposite ideologies. People have analyzed Portal as a relationship metaphor, or as a metaphor about women’s role in society - either way, the heart of Portal is the complicated dynamic between Chell and GLaDOS.

That’s not necessarily enough to code a romance, but a lot of popular (and especially popular queer ones) ships begin with opposite ideologies, symbolic powers colliding. Portal cements their relationship as a toxic one, something on the verge of falling apart and hurting both parties in the end. The ending image, of Chell and GLaDOS side by side after the battle, reinforces the symbolic parallels between the two.

The companion cube is also pretty symbolically important to this interpretation. It’s literally a representation of someone’s heart, and you are told to protect it and preserve it under GLaDOS’ orders, and then you have to destroy it regardless of how you actually feel about doing that. You are destroying GLaDOS’ heart, so to speak.

There’s also the ending song, Still Alive. The lyrics speak for themselves.

They hint that GLaDOS’ feelings about Chell are more complicated than they may appear (if she’s not being sarcastic...) and she literally talks about Chell breaking her heart (also, think back to the companion cube. Yeah.). The entire song is structurally similar to many a breakup number, with the laments of “I’m glad it happened, but also leave.”

At the end, we also see that the long promised cake GLaDOS was supposedly lying about was real the whole time. Before Portal 2 came out, it was mostly interpreted as a stinger ending (along with the nicer lyrics of Still Alive) to make you question GLaDOS’ true motives and intentions.

She actually did have a real cake waiting for you. (Side note - not really evidence, but in Argentina, “torta” means cake in Spanish. It’s also a slang term for lesbians. So. Do with that what you will). The cake is what GLaDOS offers you to lull you into the sense that she cares about you, so discovering that “the cake is a lie” wakes you up to the realization that she doesn’t. Except then the idea is subverted one last time, at the very end, showing that the cake is real and at least some of what she said she meant.

You also see the companion cube. You know, GLaDOS’ symbolic heart?

Now, okay, you might be thinking I’m extrapolating a bit too much. And you might be right. But Portal is not the only game in the series, and if you’re asking me about Cave and Caroline you obviously know about Portal 2.

Exhibit B: Portal 2

If you thought Portal was gay, Portal 2 turns that up to 11.

Even before GLaDOS wakes up, you’re treated to some visual subtext. A few of Rattmann’s drawings representing the events of Portal 2 focus a lot on the relationship between GLaDOS and Chell, with more of the cake symbolism.

In this, you can see a face layered on top of GLaDOS. This could be foreshadowing about Caroline, and likely is, but also resembles his other drawing of Chell. It insists that Chell is a part of GLaDOS, or reinforces parallels between Chell and Caroline, hinting at something either way.

In this picture, we also see Chell standing on top of GLaDOS, in the same position where the overlay of the feminine face was, again referencing the parallel. It also presents them as opposites, fundamental parts of the same thing and both connected to the same basis, but on opposing sides.

When GLaDOS wakes up, she returns to her antagonistic role, but there are more hints to something deeper just like in Portal.

Here, in her awakening lines, she references Chell not unlike an estranged ex. Also worth noting that GLaDOS is pretty much the personification of testing (in a sense, she is testing since she can control all of Aperture like an extension of her body), and insinuates that Chell loves to test. And that she reciprocates that feeling.

In test chamber 10, she says this:

It’s supposed to be threatening, but it does read as almost... sentimental.

There’s also another chamber with companion cubes in Portal 2. I already talked about their symbolism in Portal, and the same pretty much applies to them here. However, GLaDOS says something interesting about them during this level:

Once again, meant to be intimidating, ends up coming off as “well, GLaDOS, why were you going to give Chell a heart shaped representation of yourself that says ‘I love you?’” And you might think I’m stretching the GLaDOS’ heart metaphor thing a little far here, and I might agree, if the companion cubes didn’t literally sing Cara Mia for you.

Cara Mia is the turret opera from the end of the game, which is all about how much GLaDOS cares about Chell. More on that later. But the companion cubes play a song called Love as A Construct, and when you get close to them, they sing a specific part of the song that has the tune of Cara Mia. These things literally exist to sing about GLaDOS’ feelings.

Which makes this line a lot more. For lack of a better term. Tsundere-ish.

Then, right before the escape, she starts talking about the confetti from her fake surprise.

I really don’t have to explain this one. What else does GLaDOS consider an inconvenience but might miss anyway? Or, more aptly, who else?

Then, during the escape, she teases a (fake) final test chamber in front of you, and forms the panels in the shape of a heart. No, really.

Up to this point, a lot of the points I’ve presented are interspersed with a fair amount of antagonization on GLaDOS’ behalf, more Foe Yay than anything actually hinting at something deeper than GLaDOS being conflicted about whether she loves or hates Chell. But things really ramp up after Wheatley’s betrayal, when the two of them are forced to team up. (I should also note here that “enemies to lovers” is a pretty classic queer romance trope.)

Here, GLaDOS is put on an equal level with Chell and they have to rely on each other if they want to survive. For the rest of the singleplayer campaign, GLaDOS becomes a lot nicer and even friendly to Chell. There comes a point where she starts referring to Chell as a teammate, calling them “we.” She begins to consider them one unit, two opposites unified. Here’s what she says after the lemon rant:

You can not only see her using we, but actively talking about how her and Chell are going to fight Wheatley together. There’s also that last line - “let’s explode with some dignity.” GLaDOS has fully accepted the very likely possibility that she and Chell might die together. That she might die on the same level, and the same team as Chell. And she seems... surprisingly okay with that, as long as she and Chell go together.

It’s during the Old Aperture levels that Chell and GLaDOS also discover that they have a lot in common. This is the part of the game where GLaDOS figures out she’s Caroline, that she’s human. Or, that she’s like Chell. And Chell discovers (from what we can tell anyway) that Caroline is kind, that she’s funny and smart and so many of these things she never noticed about GLaDOS before. Now also with the knowledge she is fighting alongside another human being.

You can also draw parallels between Chell and Caroline, both intelligent women ultimately betrayed by their seemingly innocuous male friends before being trapped in Aperture and forced to team up with one another in a way that will free both of them. We see that really, GLaDOS isn’t that different from Chell - she too has been imprisoned in this place against her will, but in a completely different way. Once again, the idea of two sides of the same coin applies here.

I’ve written another meta about this before, but I also think the whole idea of repressing a part of your identity and hating it, before bonding with another woman and then realizing that it’s okay to be like her and to be on her side. It’s okay to be yourself and meeting her is what helps you discover this new part of yourself. Is kinda inherently gay. GLaDOS’ discovery of her own humanity just fits so well into a queer realization narrative, to me at least.

Then, Chell and GLaDOS escape Old Aperture and have to get through Wheatley’s tests.

Here, GLaDOS isn’t just begrudgingly on Chell’s team. She’s actively helpful. She wants to help Chell solve tests, defends her from Wheatley’s insults, and makes jokes to lighten the mood. Things that can really only be explained by her caring about Chell, especially the part about the insults. See below.

After the two escape Wheatley’s testing track, right before the boss fight GLaDOS has a few other things to say.

GLaDOS is not going to betray Chell, because of some kind of conscience. But she could easily ignore that back in her body, and yet? Here she’s deciding not to, and for no good reason. She didn’t have to say that to Chell, but she did, because she cares and she wants Chell to live.

And then, moments before the fight:

The final lines imply that GLaDOS does not think of Chell as an enemy anymore, and that it doesn’t matter what Chell thinks because they are in this together and they are getting revenge together. It’s pretty heartwarming to be honest, to know that even in a fight that will almost certainly kill you, she is there rooting for you and caring about you, even if you don’t feel the same way about her. It no longer matters to GLaDOS whether you even reciprocate - you staying alive, you making it through is enough for her.

So Chell fights Wheatley and sends him into space, all well and good, and at this point, GLaDOS has the option to kill Chell. But not only does she not, she actively saves Chell, and holds her hand in the process. If you don’t believe me:

And not only that, but when Chell goes unconscious from her injuries, GLaDOS sits and waits for her to wake up. It’s also implied that GLaDOS carries her to the elevator, since it’s where she wakes up but not where she passed out. In the scene where Chell blacks out, you can also hear the part of Love As A Construct that sounds like Cara Mia. Yeah. Yeah.

If you think that this cannot possibly get any gayer, you are wrong again, because then GLaDOS makes her final speech. Which is really just a love confession, let’s be honest.

The “surge of emotion?” Do you mean love, GLaDOS? And the idea of GLaDOS considering Chell her best friend, despite everything these two have done to each other? The idea that GLaDOS, out of all people, forgives someone?

Except this isn’t even Chell’s final send-off. GLaDOS writes her an entire opera of turrets, that sing a literal love song. (Note what I said earlier about the use of the word “bambina”).

It really can’t get any more obvious than that. “My (affectionate romantic term here), my dear, I adore you.” How. Is. That. Heterosexual. In. Any. Way.

So Chell goes to the surface, set free by GLaDOS (think of the saying “if you love something, set it free), and you think that’s the end. Until GLaDOS gives you a companion cube so you aren’t alone on the journey, and from the burn marks, you know it’s your first companion cube. Her original heart, her first gift to you, a piece of her that she wants you to carry with you to remind you that she does care about you after everything. It also gives the lyrics to Still Alive a much more genuine meaning.

Portal 2 ends, and then the ending song, another GLaDOS number plays. Just like Still Alive, Want You Gone is structurally a break up song and very obviously about GLaDOS missing Chell and “counting on” (read: caring about/loving) Chell’s tendencies and quirks.

She’s accepted Chell completely, and yet also given Chell the one thing she wants most. Only wanting Chell gone can mean GLaDOS not wanting Chell in her life anymore, but can also mean she wants to give Chell the freedom she’s wanted for so, so long. It’s the best thing she can give.

In the co-op campaign, GLaDOS also references still caring about Chell.

And that’s the end of the Portal series. Except. Brace yourself. Despite the games being over, there is STILL more subtext somehow. It gets. Even gayer.

Exhibit C: Supplemental Evidence

Valve has made a lot of extra/cut content for the Portal series, and I’ll be looking at some of it below.

This official valentine from Valve shows GLaDOS offering a romantic partner cake, which as we’ve established before, is very symbolic of GLaDOS’ feelings about and/or relationship with Chell.

There’s a lot of other concept art and official art that emphasizes their relationship too. See below.

There’s also some cut GLaDOS lines that are even gayer than the source material and again, sound like confessions or references to a breakup:

The idea of “discovering things about someone”... how much more obvious can it get?

The developers have even confirmed a lot of my commentary on Chell and GLaDOS’ relationship in The Final Hours Of Portal 2. See these quotes from the book/this post:

The devs literally describe it as a romance. They use terms like “cheating,” they wanted to write a romantic duet, JoCo purposefully wrote the endings like love songs. It is literally, blatantly said by the creators of the game that their relationship is interpreted romantically. By the creators of the game.

And if Word of God confirmation isn’t enough for you, have a song written for a cut alternate ending by GLaDOS’ voice actress, Ellen McClain. The song is literally nothing but GLaDOS talking about caring about Chell, about not wanting her to die/leave GLaDOS alone, about wanting to bake a cake with Chell, about waiting for Chell to wake her up. It’s so genuinely sweet and sad, and really, really romantic in the most heartwrenching way possible.

JoCo also came back for the Portal levels in Lego Dimensions, writing one final breakup song for GLaDOS to sing about Chell. It comes off as GLaDOS not wanting to admit she misses Chell even though she obviously does, trying to replace their relationship but failing, and even explicitly forgiving Chell/wanting her to come back.

Also, the “finally I understand,” as if only now GLaDOS understands just how deep her feelings for Chell are... What else can I say?

In Lego Dimensions, GLaDOS also outright rejects anyone who isn’t Chell.

In Conclusion:

Why do I ship Chell and GLaDOS?

Well, ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether I ship them.

Because I think it’s glaringly obvious Portal does.

#chelldos #chell #glados #portal #portal 2 #tw fatphobia #whitewashing #fandom racism #long post

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drethanramslay · 4 years

Text

Without You

Pairing: Logan x MC (Lexi Cahill)

Masterlist

Word count: 2.5 K words

Warning: Just a little cursing, here and there and Angst

MC is actually not present in this fic, this is Logan's POV, four months after he had to leave LA

Author's note: I decided to take part in @rodappreciationweek so here is my submission :))

Thanks to @choicesarehard @brightpinkpeppercorn and @client-327 for hosting this 💙

Thanks to @mvalentine for pre-reading it❤️❤️

Title inspiration: Without You by Avicii (ft. Sandro Cavazza)

Song: Gone by Blake Rose

Forgive me if I make any mistakes.

The rays of the sun spilled through the crack in my curtains, making the white walls a yellow hue. My eyes were bleary and red rimmed. It had just been moments since I woke up and my hangover struck me like a train wreck, a familiar electric pain behind my eyes.

I shouldn't have drank so much.

I moved my head to only see an an empty bed side. Of course she left. Who would want to stick around after a one night stand?

The hazy memories of last night filtered through my head, making me wince. Another night, another rave, another tray of shots and another chick to bang.

You could call it saturday shenanigans but, this was different.

Everything was different since I left her.

All my days just seem to melt away into a haze of alcohol and drugs... Today, tomorrow, yesterday seems to fuse into this neverending torture, an ache which no matter how much I drink or how many girls I fuck, never fucking ceases to hurt. The only thing which can fix this gaping wound in my heart is Lexi.

But she is not here.

And never will be.

So this is how it has been for the past weeks. Me getting inebriated to new extremes just to numb the pain and to temporarily erase the loneliness before I become sober again.

Because when I'm in those intoxicated wastelands, I'm so out of it that I can almost hallucinate her dancing with me. I can almost smell her strawberry shampoo, tickling my nose. I can almost hear her tinkling laugh.

And in my alcohol induced sleep, I dream of her in my arms the both of us fitting together, like two jigsaw puzzles.

I despise being sober. Because when I am In my senses, the entire load of loss weighs down on me, crushing me and suffocating me. The 'could have been's' and the regret are all a heavy burden on my shoulders.

A small part of me is often wishing, praying and hoping that things could just go back to normal but, deep in my gut I know, that nothing is ever going to be the same again.

Nothing is ever going to be the same, now that she was gone...

How much time does it take to get over people?

It may be a day, a week, a month or a year. There is no definitive time span for getting over someone you loved, someone you cherished or someone who was close to your heart.

I think it depends on how much of an impact the said person had on you or how much of a void that person left in you.

I was the wild and carefree guy, with no strings attached and never saw myself being the one to fall in love because... Let's admit it, love is a vulnerability, a weakness which people don't hesitate to exploit.

But fast forward to four months later, I am in the same category as those emotional pussies crying over a breakup.

Being brought up in foster homes made me grow up quickly. Some houses were good and caring whilst some were harsh. And knowing that I am the most cursed person to walk the earth, I was always was stuck with the shitty households.

Don't believe me? I still have those scars from the fights and the beatings.

Growing up in such a hostile environment, taught me that there is no room for weakness or error and that love and feelings are just some fairy tale myth which is made by philosophical fools to give you a sense of hope.

But, hope is a dangerous thing, two side of the same coin. It can make you and break you.

I don't think I would have survived my childhood but... That's when I fell in love with cars.

It holds a special place in my heart.

The way my adrenaline spikes as the pointer on my speedometer achieves unattainable speeds, the way I feel the purr of my engine resound through my entire body and they way it's just me, my car and the open road... Nobody could ever compare to that sensation of freedom.

Well, that was before I met her.

Lexi Cahill.

I admit it started off as a way to recruit her as an informant, a tool to stay out of prison, another heart to break.

But little did I know that life would pull the fucking reverse uno card on me. But, I'm low-key glad it did.

It's been 4 months since that scum bag was thrown into the jail.

Four months since the crew went its separate ways.

Four months since I walked away from her.

I don't want to let you go...

Those words were on a repeat in his head, like a broken tape recorder and her teary eyes and broken expression is forever burnt into his brain. It was so hard to let her go. The one time I found a reason to stay, a reason to fight for, a reason to stop running, life just fucked it all up.

It was a tussle, a war between what my heart wanted and the logical side of me which just left me exhausted.

In conclusion, heartbreak sucks.

I reach for my phone and switch it on to check the time. But my eyes fall on our prom photo which I had made as my wallpaper. It's really stupid how head over heels I'm in love with her.

But it's the truth.

There is a saying that life gives you only one great love and that many people go for years without that.

I was one of the few lucky people to get that at 18.

But life is not sunflowers and unicorns shitting rainbows. It's rough, it's hard with its a mix of ups and downs. But it seems like mine is set to be on the all time low.

Staggering to the bathroom, I heavily leaned against the counter, my muscles flexing as I gripped the edge. My eyes lifted to see my reflection staring back at me.

I look like a hot mess.

This isn't you Logan... My inner conscience said, which eerily sounded like her.

God, I really must be losing it, huh?

Slowly and painfully I started my morning chores, my body on auto pilot. My mind kept on wandering to Lexi. She would be in Langston by now.

Would she be in that off shoulder sweater of hers, her feather tattoo peaking from underneath the sleeve? Would she be highlighting and colour coordinating her notes like she always did?

Would she have made new friends? Or dare I say a new boyfriend?

Logan stop hurting yourself. I said to myself as I visibly cringed at the thought of someone else having their arms around her.

The idea of someone else kissing her soft lips or someone else holding her hands or someone else running his hands along the curvature of her naked back made me equal parts angry and sad.

Angry for you know, obvious reasons but sad for the life I had to leave behind in LA.

God I hate this existential crisis shit... It's to early to question life.

I dragged myself in the direction of the kitchen, the smell of bacon waking me up. I was shirtless and wearing a pair of sweatpants because I was too fucking tired to wear anything else.

"Look who has decided to grace us with their presence."

"Shut up Carl, it's too early for your bullshit." Raven said as she slapped the top of his head.

I shot her a look of gratitude as I sank into my seat and reached for the plate of pancakes.

Carl and Raven were the closest thing to parents for me. Carl was a tough man with huge muscles, around six feet tall but, he was as goofy as a child. Raven was his girlfriend who was hella intimidating. The kohl lined eyes and the floral tattoo on the side of her shaven head made her look fierce. Both of them were in their early thirties and ran the Detroit Central crew.

We three were in a different crew when I was 15 and they really took a liking for me. They taught me everything I know and they are the family that I always came back too.

I dug into my breakfast, eating slowly and savouring the sweetness of the maple syrup.

"Thank god you are atleast eating now." Raven said as she ruffled my hair and turned towards the sink.

I shrugged and Carl picked up the newspaper to read, settling into his seat. Suddenly, the bell rang which had all of our backs becoming as stiff as a rod.

"Were you expecting someone, darlin'?" Raven asked, trying to peak through the windows.

"Don't get up, I'll do it." Carl said as he picked up the gun on the counter and pushed it into the back pocket of his cargo pants.

I was frozen, terrified. I had been very careful in escaping but me being the reckless fool and getting drunk seven ways to Sunday may have tipped them off.

I'm such a colossal dumbass.

I could hear Carl's gruff voice talking but I couldn't peek at the person on the other side of the door. I just sank further into my seat, hoping that it was some lost person and not the FBI.

"Boy this one's for you." He moved aside and the person I least expected to see walked in.

"You look like shit."

"Good morning to you too, asshole." I rolled my eyes.

Colt walked into the kitchen, wearing his trademark leather jackets and dark jeans. His combat boots made a thud sound with each step which made my headache worse.

"Will you be okay, Lo-lo?" Raven asked, her eyes flitting to the jerk standing in her kitchen.

Colt snorted at the nickname but luckily kept his mouth shut.

"Yep Ra. Meet Colt Kaneko. Colt meet Raven and Carl." I spoke at I stood up and put my dirty dishes in the sink.

"Oh you are Kaneko's boy, aren't you?"

"Yes."

"We heard about what went down in LA. Our condolences. He was a great man."

He gave a nod. It was a sore subject for me as well. That night in the alley, I wished I could take it back. I usually am not one to regret what I spew but whatever I said to Kaneko is another burden I'm gonna carry all my life.

"Also heard about your crew busted the Brotherhood? You were the mastermind behind it right?" Carl said as he crossed his arms.

"As much as I would love to take the credit, it was Lexi who came up with the plan." Colt said his eyes darted towards me, gauging my reaction.

"The newbie? Heard she drives like the wind-"

Hearing her name felt like an iron fist clenching my heart. That name will always be the source of my happiness, my cherished memories and my melancholy.

"Colt let's take this to the backyard, shall we?" Logan spoke up, interrupting them.

He walked to the back door and Colt followed him wordlessly. It a sunny day but a cool breeze blew which provided some kind of relief.

I reached to take out two beers from the cooler and handed him one. Colt raised an eyebrow.

"Beer... At ten in the morning?"

I shrugged as I popped the bottle cap off mine. "It's 5pm somewhere else."

"That's true too. Cheers." We clinked the necks of our bottles and took a sip as we sat down on the patio chairs.

I turned towards him. "So what brings you to Detroit?"

"To see your pretty face?" Colt said sarcastically as he rolled his eyes.

I snorted. "Always knew you had a thing for me, pretty boy."

"Always knew that you had an ego the size of Jupiter, dickhead. Some things just don't change."

I sighed. "Can't say the same for me through. Everything is different now."

Surprisingly, Colt didn't mock him. He stared down at the bottle in his hands. "Yeah... I can understand. How are you holding up?" He asked as he turned to face me.

I took a huge gulp of my beer before responding, my eyes staring at the mango tree in my neighbor's back yard.

"Not too good. It's been hard for the last couple of months. Kaneko's death, leaving LA and maintaining a low profile... It's been tough."

Life without Lexi is tough.

"Yeah I can understand. I still imagine pops opening the door to wake me up. And don't get me started on the FBI... bunch of bloodsuckers." He muttered the last part.

I snorted. "I'll drink to that."

"Good thing they are off our backs now." Colt spoke eyeing him from the corner of his eyes.

I scoffed. "Bitch please. They are anything but lazy. They are gonna continue hunting us down till the end of time."

"I meant that we are not the top priorities at the moment. Sure Mona was sent to jail but, a little birdie told me that they are after this 'world class' thief at the moment."

"That's a relief I guess."

"Do you know what this means?" He asked taking another sip of beer.

"It's too early for my brain to function. Come to the point, asshole."

"We are rebuilding the crew, dickhead."

My eyes widened. "No way."

"Yup." He said popping the 'p'. He downed the remainder of his beer before standing up. "I'm done repairing the garage. We have a job in two months and I need a crew for that. I already have Ximena on board and now I'm gonna go over to Toby's."

My mind was swimming. Mercy Park Crew was coming back for good.

I looked up at him, suddenly nervous. "What about Lexi?"

He rolled his eyes. "When I said I'm rebuilding the crew, I also meant recruiting Lexi, dumbass."

Oh god.

She is going to come back.

I was frozen in my place once again. I had often asked myself how I would react if I got the chance to meet her again. I always imagined that I would let out the loudest cheer and dance like a mad man.

But this is reality and my thundering heart was a reminder of that.

"Why are you sitting there with your mouth open like a fish? Go! Get your girl."

And that was it. I rushed to my room, put on some decent clothes and haphazardly stuffed my things into my satchel. Grabbing my keys and yelling a quick good bye to Raven and Carl, I was out and in my 2005 Devore GT.

Reving the engine I took off on the roads of Detroit, heading for the highway.

The window was open and the breeze threaded through my unruly hair, making me feel alive. My hands clutched the wheel and my foot pressed down on the accelerator, speeding through the empty streets.

For the first time, in a very long, the roads which felt like a never ending maze for me, were the very ones which were the path to my freedom.

The path to my happiness.

The path to my Lexi.

I hope you liked it 😊

Logan x mc: @kaavyaethanramsey @openheart @skylarklyon @shadowycreatorpaperopera @pixelberryownsme @magicalshepherdtreeprofessor @anotherbeingsworld

Permanent Tag list: @trappedinfandoms @oofchoices @agent-breakdance @rookie-ramsey @dailydoseofchoices @colossalpainintheass @siaramsey @raleigheffingcarrera @theeccentricbibliophile @ac27dj @ramseysno1rookie @justanotherrookie @openheart12 @jamespotterthefirst @checkurwindow @chasingrobbie @junggoku @bellcat2010 @choicesstan1 @mvalentine @crazynutella @hatescapsicum @dr-ramseys-rookie @lilypills @decadentwinnerjudgedream @choicesficwriterscreations @nooruleman @anonymously-cool @sanvivrma

#anushka writes #logan x mc #logan rod #ride or die #ride or die: a bad boy romance #choices rod #rod choices #rodaw #rod appreciation week #colt kaneko #rod colt #choices stories you play #choices stories we play #choices #pixelberry #playchoices #rodappreaciationweek

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purplesurveys · 3 years

Text

1275

When you were younger, did your mother or father ever let you open a few presents before Christmas or your birthday even arrived? We open all our presents the night of Christmas Eve to begin with; but no, they don’t tease by letting us open a few of them before our usual schedule.

If you could receive a 100 dollar gift card for either blouses, pants, dresses, shoes or purses, which would you chose? If I could change blouses to shirts, then I would go with that because I’ve recently gotten into t-shirts and sweatshirts and no longer the trendy and preppy tops I used to like haha. But if not, I would go for shoes.

What is your favorite thing to do after crying? Ex: Sleep, listen to music, have some alone time, talk to someone, etc? It varies as it depends on how much I cried. The harder I cried the more I’d want to sleep it off, because it can actually get pretty exhausting. Sometimes I’ll reach out, sometimes I write. It’s really different every time, but at the end I’m just glad I can no longer even remember the last time I cried out of sadness.

Do you think Trump will be assassinated, or will he survive his term? Well we know the answer to this. It’s satisfying to notice him disappear off the face of the Earth immediately after his term, though. I don’t have a clue what he’s up to now.

Last time you felt suicidal? For some reason I felt down last Thursday and I felt the slightest, slightest tinge of suicidal thoughts. No idea where it came from.

Last time you had butterflies? Ugh idk but it was probably BTS-related hahahahahahah

Biggest asshole you know? Certain politicians.

Did you ever leave someone because you know you’d hurt them? No, I was on the opposite side of the coin for this one. I was broken up with because they believed they would hurt me, if not already doing so.

What song did you last listen to? Hip Hop Phile by BTS.

Ever ridden in a police car? Nopes.

Ever witnessed a murder? Hmm, not that I can recall. I do remember having to monitor crime stories for one of my very first journalism assignments and the one time I didn’t tag along to the fieldwork with my classmates, they got to witness a stabbing incident :/ By itself of course it always sucks to have violent situations like those, but as a reporter it would’ve been interesting to see the scene and its aftermath.

Have you ever lied under oath? I don’t think so, no. I can’t even remember the last time I was put under oath.

Have you ever failed a subject before? I’ve failed exams but never an entire class.

Have you ever had a deadly animal as a pet? No.

Have you ever kissed someone of the same gender? Well yeah, I dated one.

Have you ever been in a hot tub before? Sure.

Have you ever been to a movie that sold out? I’ve never experienced trying to buy tickets only to find out they’re all sold out, but that’s also probably because we have hundreds of malls in Manila alone and you can always find a theatre that are still offering tickets.

What movie last made you too scared to go to sleep? I’m not usually that way with horror movies, but I do remember running into a jumpscare on TikTok while I was scrolling at 3 AM. Not fun.

When you’re on a laptop, do you hook up a mouse or use the touchpad? Touchpad. I never use a mouse.

What’s your mom’s mom’s name? Agnes.

Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the person you like? I’m not interested in anyone so this shouldn’t be a problem.

Have you ever been tempted to steal? Sure, but the urge is never so strong.

What is the main character’s name in the book you’re reading? I’m not reading anything.

Do you have a favorite local band? Who are they? Nah. I did have a Ben&Ben phase, though I haven’t revisited their music in a long time.

Who’s the last person you saw naked, aside from yourself? I’m not sure about completely naked, probably still my ex. As for partially naked, my dad sometimes goes shirtless at home as most Filipino dads do lol.

Who’s your favorite horror monster/killer? The most iconic for me would be that porcupine looking ass from Resident Evil 4, I believe it was meant to be for one of the boss stages or something. Anyway, it’s memorable for me just because that fucker had been impossible to defeat and I loved watching my older cousin do attempt after attempt. I don’t think he ever got to beat him and by the time he did us cousins were already adults, lol.

On a side note, we called him ‘Porcupine’ as kids since a shitload of spikes would stick out of him unpredictably during the boss stage, and I thought that nickname had been just our thing; but I’m actually surprised that that villain actually comes up when you do a simple ‘Resident Evil 4 porcupine’ search haha. I guess other people called him the same thing too.

What kind of music do you prefer to listen to when driving? I usually put on a playlist of BTS’ rapline; I tend to enjoy high-energy songs while driving.

Would you ever own a hairless rat, cat or dog? I don’t see why I wouldn’t when it comes to the dog. I don’t want a cat or rat.

All the people you’ve kissed, what did their names start with? G.

What did you and your ex fight about most? It was about the deeper, more profound stuff. We never saw eye to eye about the future, if we were helping the other grow, etc. Someone was always scared or insecure about something that the other could never help with fixing.

Don’t you love long hugs? Sure, I love getting hugs as long as I’m comfy around the one giving it.

And long kisses? Mhm, they’re nice.

Have you ever purchased condoms? Only for Angela when she had still been too shy to ask for it herself.

Have you ever gone on vacation with your boyfriend/girlfriend? No. We had gone out of town for daytrips, but never for a fully-decked out vacation.

Have you ever trashed your ex’s car after an argument? I wouldn’t do anything that loud. My resentment’s a lot more reserved and subtle, definitely on the passive-aggressive side.

Would you leave a note on a car claiming responsibility if you damaged it? If I left like a paint scratch, no. If I was somehow stupid enough to manage wrecking the car then yes.

Have you ever used someone's handicapped parking pass to get a parking spot? Oh that’s just gross. No. I do remember unknowingly parking over a spot meant for the handicapped once just because the paint was so fucking faded. It was genuinely so hard to tell but in the end I ended up just getting out of the spot and looked for another just to be on the safe, unassholey side.

Are you embarrassed to tell people your job? Not at all! I love telling people I work in PR and sharing the brands I work with...it’s just a bitch trying to explain what exactly it is I do on a normal day. I’m still blanking out on it now that I’m thinking about it, haha. PR’s a challenge to summarize in one or two sentences.

If you ran over an animal would you keep driving? I honestly have no clue how I’d deal with it. Ideally I would pull over and help bring it to the side of the road, and try to ask for help from passersby as well. I’m still not sure what I should/would do next.

Where’s the best place to eat a romantic dinner? French, Spanish, and Italian restaurants always seem to carry a pleasant, date-y atmosphere to them, so any of those cuisines should be ok. I also like quieter restaurants with warm yellow lighting, since that makes me feel at home the most. The place definitely doesn't have to be super popular; I would just want for it to serve good food.

What hobby would you get into if time and money weren’t an issue? Flying planes.

What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? Probably something that’s booked with thrill-seeking adventures? Like a day of wakeboarding, paragliding, skydiving, riding an ATV...I would be exhausted as fuck and sleep for the next three days, but I can’t even begin to imagine how fun it would be.

When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? Writing stuff. < Yeah, essentially. My friends ask me for general life advice too.

Has anybody criticized the way your significant other looked like? Yeah. But I always defended her.

Have you written or drawn anything for somebody else? I mean I’ve written long letters, but I haven’t made a poem or song for anyone.

Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? These days it would probably be Arlan. He just finished his Masters in Journalism at Columbia and I couldn’t be more proud. I remember wanting to attend Columbia too, but seeing how my love of journalism turned out...I’ve long accepted the fact that that route was not meant for me, hahaha.

What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? Finish a painting, which can also serve as a callout to me lol.

What would you rate 10/10? Seafood.

What do you hope never changes? My relationships with my best friends.

Would you ever have sex with the last person you texted? No, I barely have a clue who she is and she seemed decades older when she called me up this morning.

Is there anyone that you’d love to just spill your guts to? I’m good.

Where is the person you have feelings at right now?

Are you happy with your relationship status? Yessssssss. I love not having to worry about another person to spend on LOL

When did you last cry? What for? Two Saturdays ago. The one-year mark of my breakup had been coming up and an overwhelming wave of emotions just flooded me all of a sudden, I guess. There was happiness and relief from not being stuck in it anymore; feeling sorry for myself as I remembered the turmoil and deterioration I went through in the latter part the year; anger for the shit she pulled; and there was also just the general feeling of being grateful that I’m still here after everything.

Do you think you’re wasting your time on the person you love?

When’s the next time you’ll kiss someone? No clue. I’m not holding my breath for it and that’s okay.

Were you ever scared to death of anyone you knew? Or are you currently? Yeah, unfortunately I’ve always been surrounded by at least one person who terrifies me.

What’s the longest you’ve been away from home by yourself? Nothing more than a day. That’s something I have yet to try out.

Have you ever been made fun of, because of what you look like? Athenna was relentless in her insults. I dunno why I was friends her for as long as I was.

Have you ever made fun of others, because of what they look like? If they’re some random person on the internet with disgusting political views, then yeah; but it’s just thoughts I keep in my head and I never verbalized the bullying. But not anyone in real life. Do you think it’s cute when you’re leaving a place, and a guy says “no hug?” If I’m friends with the person I’ll banter with them for a bit until I give in for a hug. If it was any other guy I barely know...I would be disgusted and throw them the dirtiest glare.

Do you wear short shorts (if you’re a girl)? I didn't know short shorts were specific to females. < LOL same. Anyway no, not these days. I used to but they’re not really a part of my personal style anymore.

Who are you the most uncomfortable around? Relatives with the wrong political views.

Who has your heart? Nobody.

Should cloning ever be allowed to happen? I don’t see the point. No.

Are you impatient with really shy people? If it gets to the point that they seem aloof and radiate very I-could-not-care-less-about-getting-along-with-any-of-you vibes, then yeah I feel like I would get irritated pretty fast. But I was an extremely shy person once too, so I’m typically friendly with them and I would usually be That person who constantly stays next to them so they feel like they belong.

Does your house have air conditioning throughout, or do you have one that sits in your window? It sits in the window, as with most households here.

What is the most ridiculous band name you’ve heard recently? I haven’t encountered anything wacky recently.

Would you ever get a fashion mullet? No.

Do you believe that Jesus lived and is returning? No.

Do you believe in spiritual gifts? No.

Do you believe in callings? Not really, no.

If you were rich, would you get a professional photoshoot done? Hell no. I get extremely sheepish in front of a camera and a thousand times worse at posing.

#survey #surveys

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carolineworld · 3 years

Note

sorry another one too 😅💕, zoenne & “I want the K”

Never say sorry for making me happy sending me a fanfic request, never. Thank you so much for this ❤💕

So the “I want the K” means the following: send me two characters and “I want the K” and I’ll generate a number for them! So I have decided to choose 1/7/11 for this zoenne prompt request.

1: Passionate kiss // 7: Goofy kiss // 11: Nose kiss Zoë x Senne

With Christmas being around the corner and the family meetings and traditions about to begin, they all have decided to meet up, do a small Christmas party together. As a tradition, they all gathered around Zoë and Milan’s apartment with drinks, foods, and their Secret Santa presents, ready to party and have fun before the holidays start.

The flat looks so nice, all decorated for the occasion with little lights and garlands all over the place. Snow globes and small figures decorate the tree that very carefully the two roommates put up together, with a shiny gold star on top.

Warm wine, all sorts of drinks, and a big chocolate pot and marshmallows decorate the table. The candy bar with all types of sweets is currently being emptied, as the guest prefers the sweet over the savory plater with veggies and chips that Zoë has prepared. A mix of Christmas carols and fun upbeat songs sound in the background, as several groups of people talk while other dance happily.

It’s such a great party that everyone’s enjoying and having fun, and Zoë can’t be happier. This time last year she was partying in the same place, the same celebration going on, but the feeling was off. The was something -more like someone- missing and the happiness was not as high as it is tonight. Tonight no one isn’t happy, no one that isn’t smiling and having fun.

She looks around and all she can see is pure happiness. Noor, Britt, and Amber are talking while drinking the hot chocolate she carefully prepared with Sander’s help earlier. Speaking of Sander, he’s having what it looks like a dancing competition with Aaron and Moyo while Jens and Robbe look at them in a combination of embarrassment and amusement.

A laugh escapes from her lips as she ‘denies’ with her head, having a hard time keeping herself quiet so they don’t notice her laughing at them.

“Careful, pretty girl” a very busy Milan warns her, having his hands full of refilled candy bowls that their friends have been enjoying.

A big smile appears on her face. She’s so grateful she has found him. Every time she looks at him she’s more and more sure that Milan is a Guardian Angel sent from heaven. He has helped every single person he saw it needed help, without searching for anything in return. He is the most selfless person she has ever met. An older brother, a parent figure, and the best friend she could ask for.

One of the bowls that Milan was bringing end up in Jana’s hands, eating the candy inside like popcorn as she listens to whatever Yasmina is saying. Her best friend is finally back for the holidays, after spending more than two months in New York, and she cannot be happier. Her video calls and endless text messages are not enough when all you need is one of her hugs. And she thought that the month and a half of ‘distance relationship’ she had to do with Senne in lockdown were hard. Ha! Silly you, Zoë, she tells herself. Nothing will top the sadness and loneliness that you feel when your best friend is far away from you.

Luckily, Yasmina, Amber, Robbe, Milan, and Senne were there for her. She cannot thank the world enough for giving her these amazing people, and those who came with them, for loving her unconditionally and support her every step of the way.

Now that she notices, something is going on. She sips on her non-alcoholic gin tonic that Senne made her as she suspiciously looks at the little group formed of her boyfriend and two best friends talking way too secretive, as they stopped talking when Milan approached them, and they keep looking at her without any reasonable explanation.

On that couch on the other side of the room, and very far away from the bleach blonde girl, a very important conversation is going on. With the breakup and the ‘let’s try to not have contact with each other as much as possible’, Senne hasn’t been able to celebrate almost anything with his girlfriend. Not Christmas, not neither of their birthdays or even Valentines’s Day. And now that they are back together and with no plans of breaking up ever again, he’s excited to continue with the celebrations.

Last November they celebrated six months since they got back together. It was a private ‘celebration’, as Zoë said that last time they celebrated a six month anniversary they broke up a bit afterward, and thought they would have bad luck again, so they decided to go to dinner and spend the night in Senne’s apartment, celebrating their own way. And now Christmas is coming up and Senne has big plans for her gift, but he needs help and approval.

That’s why he is talking to the two people that know Zoë best, after him of course. He knows how important Yasmina and Jana are to Zoë and he wants to make sure that what he has planned is something he will know she will like. He would talk to Milan, but he doesn’t know how to keep a secret and everyone would know the next day, so better be safe and tell the girls than sorry because of Milan.

“I think the Christmas trip to Bruges is a good idea, she will like it” Yasmina smiles, and Senne is happy. At first, he thought that a trip would be too much, specially after the Museum and concert tickets he also planned to give her, along with a small and delicate coin pendant necklace with their initials engraved on it.

They all laugh as chocolate-covered peanuts fly out of Jana’s mouth, as she was trying to fit too many and forgot about them while talking. When everyone is calmed down and everything is as clean as possible, Jana answers: “Yeah, I think it’s a good idea, too”

“What is a good idea?” A curious Zoë asks, surprising them all. They look at each other not knowing what to say.

“Nothing,” Senne says quickly as a nervous smile shines on his face, while the girls keep quiet and Zoë is looking at them suspiciously.

The couple locks eyes, challenging each other to see who is going to give up earlier. Senne has a secret to keep, a type of secret that is better to keep, and Zoë knows something is up and is determined to discover it.

“I think Amber is calling us over there, so we will leave you two alone, right Jana?” After a few looks and some gentle slaps on her arm, Jana finally agrees and they leave them alone.

As Senne’s nervousness starts to rise, Zoë thinks about a plan to make him speak. Her mother one time told her that women are powerful if they use their tributes the right way and even though she highly disagrees with that sexist statement, in this type of situation, it’s not a bad idea.

Without any explanation, Zoë sits seductively in his lap, playing with the back is his hair while biting her bottom lip. If the central heating of the apartment wasn’t enough, now he certainly is a bit too hot.

“Baby?” Hot air from her whisper touches his ear and he has to physically stop himself from reacting, so she won’t know that she is indeed making him weak. How could she not? She is his biggest weakness.

Swallowing hard, he answers a quick “Yeah” while trying to think about something to distract him. Thankfully, Robbe and Sander are teasing Aaron and it’s useful enough to make him forget about the gorgeous lady he has in his lap.

“Remember when we agreed to communicate and tell the other one everything?” She is feeling herself, so she comes close to his lips and before kissing him she adds: “Well, I think right now you are not telling me everything”

Hopefully, and he doesn’t care that it sounds bad, he has time to think of his excuse while she’s kissing him. He should be enjoying the kiss. Zoë is not a passionate kisser, especially in public, so the fact that they are basically making out in front of everyone and he’s not enjoying it fully because his girlfriend is too noisy is such a shame.

“Are you going to tell me what were you talking about with my friends?”

Thank god he still has some brain cells that haven’t been affected: “Oh your friends? They are not my friends, too?” Now is his time to smirk at her, and distracting her from the secret that is her Christmas gifts.

“They were my friends first, then yours, but they were mine first.”

“Possessive, huh?” He lifts his eyebrows, smirking at her sassy face, as she’s, without succeeding, trying to make an angry face.

“You are not going to distracting me, you are keeping something from me” Oh, her stubborn girl, he’s going to have to try hard to not say anything.

“It’s nothing bad, I promise. But you cannot know, at least not yet.”

If her trying to be seductive didn’t work, she doesn’t know what will. She considers herself a pretty normal girl, but when she’s with him, when Senne looks at her, she feels so powerful and unstoppable. So the fact that that didn’t work, the fact that with a bit of seduction she didn’t make him spill whatever secret he’s keeping from her, it's a bit upsetting.

So she tries to do what she thinks will work: tickle him. At first, he laughs, doesn’t talk, or confesses tho, just laughs and tries to escape. It’s all fun and giggles when she remembers that he is stronger than her and that it’s a matter of seconds when he realizes that he can beat her.

And as if they were connected, Senne finally realizes that he can beat her, and gently blocks her hand from his ribcage to blow raspberries into her neck, making it her time to laugh.

“I promise you, on my life, that it’s nothing bad. It’s one of those things you need to know at a certain time, that’s why I can’t tell you right now, cause it’s not the right time to do so. Okay?” he can see her physically gasp for air, just to make the fakest thinking face ever. “Do you trust me?”

Her face softens, the brightest and sweet smile appearing on her face. She sits up, as she was in his lap, and sits on the couch next to him. Grabbing his big hand in her tiny ones, she looks at him while rubbing her thumb against his hand. “I do, I trust you”.

“Good” With how she’s sitting on the couch and the noticeable height difference they have, giving her a kiss on the lips is quite a difficult task, as the kiss that was supposed to end up in her lips ends in her nose, causing an adorable giggle to escape both their mouths.

“You missed”

“Maybe, maybe not” The sight that is her eyes shining in love is definitely one of his favorite things, right after how their hearts seem to beat at the same time when they kiss.

Prompt from the But do you REALLY want the K? list.

#my fanfics #zoenne #sobbe #wtfock #senne de smet #zoe loockx #cute mutuals

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archersandsunsets · 3 years

Note

Congrats on getting so much essay work done! I have to say as a very recent English Lit grad your excitement about the Romantic poets brought back so many fond memories <3 okay but as for business: Do you or do you not think that the tracks of Folklore and Evermore are pairwise connected? I don't know if Taylor has said anything about this, but it feels like the tracks with the same number are (or could be) all related somehow?

omg! thanks for sharing about the romantic period! it’s so fun to be able to look at this romantic outlook on life and then write about my feelings on miss swift!

onto your theory: i’ve seen it. this is really interesting as an idea, but just putting the titles side by side doesn’t make sense in my opinion given the very different trajectory of story told. i can see similar themes within the albums, and within the songs—but not when constrained to the tracklist order exactly.

(she says, and then puts every song on folklore and every song on evermore side by side and proves herself all kinds of wrong!)

for example:

the 1 / willow - playful what if? / more of that “we found that forever love” rather than questions - so unless you want to see it as being more like a dichotomy... which... might actually work hold on.

cardigan / champagne problems - well these are both reflections on relationships but very different... dichotomy???? also you have the parallel ranting bridges which give you a lot of information about what happened. (i could see this one working but more like a two sides of the same coin maybe... and i have seen a theory on champagne problems being about betty/james, but given the fact that cardigan is clearly a long 20 year onward reflection... idk if it exactly fits... but who knows. i’m only on day 1 of looking at it.)

tlgad / gold rush - rebekah harkness / having a crush or infatuation... this one just doesn’t work at all imo. gold rush reminds me of gorgeous or at least about taylor x joe, and tlgad is a totally separate story thematically.

exile / tis the damn season - this is like an almost maybe but might be reaching. like. both have that whole exes storyline—one where the breakup occurs, and one after. i guess it depends on your interpretation of when this exiled relationship took place. ALSO! parallels of “homeland” and “hometown” ummmmmmm!!!!

my tears ricochet / tolerate it - there is the marriage aspect holding them together, but personally my tears ricochet fits together more with happiness? i can’t get that thought out of my head so this one is just... yeah. but i can see it a tiny, tiny bit on the surface of marriage relationships. i also saw tolerate it connecting a bit to illicit affairs too??

mirrorball / no body no crime - yeah it kinda falls apart here for me. i don’t see this one at all.

seven / happiness - i wanna say this one doesn’t work, but there’s CLEAR parallels between trees lyrics (”i hit my peak at seven feet in the trees...” / “honey when i’m above the trees” and then the direct use of SEVEN years in Heaven) AND THEY’RE BOTH TRACK SEVENS

august / dorothea - there’s a parallel here of both of them kind of going after people who don’t seem to... care about them? with august, she asks if he’ll call when he’s back at school but then ultimately reaches a reflection later that he wasn’t hers to lose. whereas in dorothea, the subject is asking “do you ever think of me” in classic Taylor Swift fashion. honestly, there is a whole other theory about dorothea where dorothea represents Taylor as like a—dare i say it—self-insert or parallel character to herself in this universe she’s created.

this is me trying / coney island - definitely two different stories being told here, as is with both of these albums. this one could definitely be a younger and an older story. this is me trying is trying to fix something that was broken, and so is coney island... both have been hurt, but they’re different kinds of hurt.

illicit affairs / ivy - uh, the obvious pair. two sides of the same coin, but maybe with different endings? DICHOTOMY... i’m scared.

invisible string / cowboy like me - now i’ve seen cowboy like me talked about as a song about Taylor and Joe... and if that’s true, these are exactly where they belong. i haven’t had time to wrap my mind around this one quite yet, so i’m leaving it at that. potential for parallels for sure—one the cute little love story, and one a bit more metaphorized version of the same tale.

mad woman / long story short - on first glance, this one doesn’t fit... but it depends on what lens you see the song through. both talk about dealing with difficult times... and taking time to come back from those things. so, yeah, checks the box.

epiphany / marjorie - this is just the couple of grandfather and grandmother at this point. case closed.

betty / closure OR hoax / closure - betty doesn’t work in this instance, so i’ve taken the liberty of pairing closure with hoax. and it makes sense, given what Taylor said in the long pond sessions about hoax being about a lot of what she was dealing with and potentially Scott mentions again... the same can be said of closure. this is just the end of that story, where the person (i’ve seen theories that are both for Scott specifically or Kanye... especially the latter wanting to like help her with her masters situation now hm) comes back asking for closure and Taylor says “i don’t need it and i’m not going to give it to you either.” i don’t fully understand hoax but i definitely see bits of the struggle with BMG there in order for this to work.

(bonus) the lakes / evermore - uh yeah this one seems pretty self explanatory too? the lakes kind of being like, dealing with the masters situation and waning to run away with her lover... and evermore being dealing with the pain of the masters situation and other things... it’s not an exact fit, but does in some areas.

and we still have two songs off evermore we haven’t heard! so, uh, yeah. i was a skeptic but then i stopped to look at it and... damn. this one holds weight. you flipped me!

tldr: i think this works, if not direct parallels then in more dichotomy ways! but, it doesn’t work for every track.

#answered #frick6101719 #analysis #meta #evermore

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taeyongtime · 6 years

Text

reasons why i can’t forget you

genre: boyfriend!au + five teaspoons of angst along with the fluff

group & member: NCT’s Taeyong

word count: ~12.5k

a/n: self therapy via free association in the form of a fic containing a piece of my heart for the man I’ve loved since hearing his voice first in ‘The 7th Sense’

brief synopsis: “To have loved you was my greatest joy in life, as your love is one I lose myself in without anyone to hold me back.”

“Let’s break up.”

He doesn’t understand your question, laughing it off with the familiar chuckle of his while reaching for your hand.

You shake your head and pull your hand away.

“I’m not joking, Taeyong.”

The smile on your boyfriend’s face fades and a shadow of frightened uncertainty dawns on his widened eyes.

“Why?”

“I… I don’t think I feel the same about you anymore.”

“Did… Did I do something wrong?” His voice raises an octave and you can hear the panic as clear as daylight. “Tell me what I did wrong so I’ll know not to do it again, I’ll make sure—”

You interrupt him with a firm hand on his shoulder and squeeze gently, careful not to hurt him but also with enough pressure to let him know you meant it.

“You’ve already gone above and beyond, Taeyongie, I just… I’m not sure where I want to go from here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m lost and this cloud of murkiness only strengthens when I’m with you.”

—

Whoever coined the saying “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is the biggest liar because breaking up with Taeyong only seemed to further pry open the empty space next to you that used to be his, an enlarging black hole of loneliness and pining that was the product of a breakup that hadn’t happened on mutual terms. Messy and a spontaneous outburst from your end, the remaining dregs of your relationship lingered in the form of endless phone calls and text messages from your now ex-boyfriend, no doubt pleas for you to take back the breakup and let him return to your side. The attempt to change numbers didn’t help and you certainly couldn’t avoid Taeyong as well as you liked to when your little brother was good friends with him. Mark worked closely with Taeyong for his personal SoundCloud, that sibling of yours fulfilling his dream of becoming a music star by investing all his time and effort in making songs and perfecting his rap skills while you were entrenched in university not knowing what you wanted to do in life.

One more year until graduation and here you were, sinking in quicksand with seemingly no hope for escape from the rut that was your emerging adulthood crisis. It is amazing how two paths can diverge so differently under the same living environment.

—

“Maybe you should go travel,” Mark suggests during his visit at your small apartment, a cozy little place directly above a coffee shop that was growing to be your daily favorite during your rushed mornings to campus. “Go see new things in new places to get your mojo back.”

“Easier said than done,” you scoff, shoving him away. “What would I do about classes?”

“Doesn’t your university have those… study abroad programs? You know, pick a country and take some classes at a local university as an exchange student?”

The idea doesn’t sound like a bad one, but it’s not exactly something you’d jump the gun for either. So many factors had to be considered as well: location of study, duration of stay, program costs, possible adjustment issues…

“I don’t know,” you conclude. “It seems like too much.”

“Well, just think about it. Maybe you’ll change your mind later.”

“You little know-it-all.”

You punch your brother lightly on the arm and he laughs heartily at you.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if you end up doing it.”

“We’ll see.”

Mark’s first reaction to hearing the news of your participation in a study abroad program two months later is a shout and loud “Whoa!”, an exclamation that has you moving your phone further away from your ear so you didn’t go deaf by his excitement for your decision to get away and spend some time in a place that was void of all things related to home and most importantly Taeyong.

—

Hong Kong in a nutshell is rushed.

Fast transportation, seas of bodies crowding the streets, everything moved twice as fast in this Special Administrative Region separate from mainland China. As someone belonging to the more laid-back end of the spectrum, you had to learn to pick up your pace while maintaining efficiency to not lose yourself within the crowd. Not the easiest thing to do, but you managed to adjust rather well with time and blend in enough to not attract too much attention to yourself while still being a foreigner in the country.

Classes were different at their universities but you enjoyed being able to learn things that you couldn’t take at your home campus, such as Hong Kong culture classes as well as adding a simple language class to your daily schedule. Learning a new language wasn’t easy, but you picked up enough to get by and it simply became another entry way to making new friends when the local students showed surprise at your accurate pronunciation despite the limited knowledge in sentence structure and proper grammar. New place, new people, it was far more rejuvenating that you expected and most of all, it was a place that didn’t make you think of Taeyong.

Talk about hitting two birds with one stone.

Fun as it was, you didn’t forget to keep in touch with family and especially with your little brother, Mark always picking up on first dial whenever you called him on Skype during the evening.

“Aren’t you glad you went along with it?” he asks, fiddling with a guitar pick in his hands.

You laugh and nod, giving him the credit for your amazing trip in Hong Kong.

“Do you want some extra souvenirs for that?”

“I heard the street food there is amazing, do you think you’ll be able to sneak some through customs?”

“You know, you can just come visit me,” you point out. “Hong Kong isn’t that far away.”

“Well, I just thought you wouldn’t want me to bring along Taeyong or something.”

“Sorry,” Mark adds quickly. “It just slipped.”

“How… How is he doing? Okay, I hope?”

“Good enough,” your brother answers. “He’s certainly not over breaking up with you and I honestly don’t think he’ll ever be over it but he’s managing. Not as mopey, for starters.”

“That’s… good.”

You press down the urge to ask for more details about Taeyong and instead smile at your laptop’s webcam.

“Are you going to pick me up at the airport when my program ends?”

“Give me your arrival date again?”

You tell him the date and he nods.

“I’ll buy you a new guitar pick as my thank you, the one you’re holding looks kinda old.”

“Yes!”

—

The person who comes to pick you up from the airport isn’t your brother or even Taeyong.

“Are you Y/N?”

You nod at the stranger calling out your name, taking into consideration his black beanie and the multiple piercings in his ear.

“You are…?”

“Mark’s friend. He couldn’t make it and obviously you weren’t responding to the phone since you were on the plane, so he sent me instead.”

“Right.” His sassy tone turns you off significantly and you frown when he takes the handle for one of your suitcases, notably the larger one.

“Hey, what the heck?”

“I’ve got it,” he says briskly. “Now let’s go. Unless you have another flight to catch then I’ll leave you right here and now.”

“No thanks,” you mutter, quickly following him out the airport.

“By the way, I’m Yuta,” the stranger grins, his pearly whites glimmering as he flashes a megawatt smile at you. “I’ve been wanting to meet Mark’s infamous older sister for the longest time.”

“Well, did I meet your expectations or were you terribly upset at your first impression of me?”

“You’re alright,” he laughs. “If you’re able to give me a witty comeback to my snark, you’re alright.”

After helping you move your suitcases up to your apartment, you treat Yuta to a soda and he wastes no time sprawling across your couch with the pop drink in hand, loudly complaining of the injustice in receiving simply a soda for his hard work.

“What, do you expect me to treat you to dinner?” you say jokingly.

He sits up, nodding in approval.

“That sounds about right.”

“…You’re kidding.”

“Five o’clock tonight. I’ll come pick you up.”

—

“You really weren’t joking about the dinner thing,” you say when you open the front door at five.

Another megawatt grin from Yuta and he offers his arm.

“Shall we?”

You reluctantly take it and your mouth drops when you walk out to the streets and follow him to the motorbike parked on the corner.

“Get on, loser.” He approaches the bike and tosses you a spare helmet. “We’re going out for dinner tonight.”

“You must watch Mean Girls too much,” you mumble, placing your hands on his shoulders as you make yourself comfortable in the back.

“Might want to pick a more secure place to hold onto,” he chuckles, revving up the engine. “Because I’m about to—”

You quickly wrap your arms around his waist the moment he kicks off and zips behind the next car you see, quite sure he was going way above the speed limit but not daring to say a word about it. The wind chills the back of your neck but you ignore it, tightening your hold on the driver. A surge of adrenaline surging through your veins at the high speed, you momentarily let go to raise your arms in the air but quickly hug him again when he comes to an abrupt stop in front of a red light.

“I could’ve died just now!” you say through the helmet, punching his shoulder.

Yuta gives you a nonchalant shrug in return and within twenty minutes you reach the destination for what you assume to be a dinner date. The small diner is set up conveniently next to an all-night arcade—the neon lights and other jingles from their multiple machines clamoring for the attention of gamers with coins waiting to be spent.

“I wasn’t expecting this,” you admit as he enters, sitting down on a booth by the window and picking up the menu to glance at briefly before calling over a waiter to order. “Do you work here or something?”

“No, but I do stop by the arcade next door often and grew fond of this place.” He orders two sets of burgers and a chocolate shake for you.

“Your treat, yeah?”

“…Sure.”

He immediately adds two fries with the order and you sigh quietly, silently praying you had brought enough money out to pay for it all.

“You have quite an appetite.”

“Not gonna say no to a free meal.”

“I wouldn’t either.”

“I hear you used to be Taeyong’s girl.”

Your mouth tightens to a thin line and Yuta shrugs.

“I was just curious. You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable talking about it.”

His order arrives in a jiffy and you dig in, the talk about your past relationship with Taeyong fading away in exchange for chewing burgers and dipping French fries into ketchup.

“I ordered a chocolate shake with this,” he says after finishing his share of the food, getting up to talk to the waiter about the missed item.

“It’s fine,” you dismiss. “I’m quite full.”

“I ordered it because he said it’s your favorite. Hold on.”

Your fingers unconsciously curl together into a fist and when Yuta returns with the missed chocolate shake, you refuse to drink it.

“What a waste,” he mutters, throwing the shake into the trash.

“Hey!”

“What? You said you didn’t want to drink it and I don’t want to drink something I got for you, so goodbye.”

“Hmm.”

One eyebrow arches upwards in question and he leans forward.

“Miss him?”

“No,” you deny, ignoring the nagging voice in your head that was screaming yes. “I don’t miss Taeyong.”

“I can smell the bullshit from here.”

Throwing a glare at Yuta, you hog the rest of the fries and refuse to let him anywhere near it, stuffing each of the small potato slices into your mouth until the only things left are crumbs of golden yellow along with blobs of unused ketchup.

“I can’t believe Taeyong fell in love with a slob.”

“Shutupyouknownothing.”

“Swallow before you speak, gosh. Manners.”

“You know nothing,” you enunciate as clearly as you can after clearing your mouth. “So shut up before you jump to assumptions like that.”

“Hmm, I can still call bullshit on that.”

You choose to ignore him for the rest of the night and nod curtly after he drops you off in front of your apartment complex.

“Hey, loser. If you ever need someone to take you out, just call me and I’ll be right there.”

“Yuta, if this is you trying to flirt with me—”

He laughs and interrupts before you can finish.

“I know for certain you aren’t who I’m looking for.”

“Yes, I’m glad we agree that I’m too fabulous for you.”

“I could never stand having a snappy know-it-all like you for a significant other,” he corrects you. “Good night.”

“Bye.”

When you finally reach the front door of your apartment, you fish out your keys and fall onto the couch the moment you enter, too lazy to do anything else after the late food and bickering with Yuta. He was an interesting guy, way too sharp for your taste but you appreciated his effort to keep you company and for helping you after you arrived at the airport when your brother had failed to pull through. A small part of you wondered whether Mark had considered asking Taeyong if he knew he couldn’t make it, but that thought fades quickly when your phone vibrates to indicate a message from said brother himself.

Sorry I couldn’t make it : ((( hope you didn’t fight with Yuta or anything!

“I don’t fight,” you say in indignation as you text him back. “A lady does not pick fights!”

—

Yuta was a good friend, you had to admit. The sharp-tongued male from Osaka certainly had a way with maintaining a good conversation and you were quite surprised when you found out he went to the same university as Taeyong.

“Is that how you knew of me?” you ask him one night, the impromptu slumber party over at his place made dull after he forgot to order pizza along with the movie you had planned to watch. “Met Mark through Taeyong and now me?”

“I guess you can say that,” he says, heading towards the window. “The pizza delivery person should be here by now.”

“Speak of the devil,” you say as the doorbell to his apartment rings shortly after.

He walks over to open the door even though you were closer and in walks two people rather than one, the younger being your brother and the other your ex.

“We bring pizza!” Mark declares, holding up two cardboard boxes. “Can’t have a slumber party without pizza!”

“I don’t remember inviting more people?” Yuta frowns. “So…”

“Well, Taeyong called and said he wanted to hang out,” Mark explains. “But I was going to hang out with my sister and she told me she would be here, so—”

“That doesn’t mean you can crash my hangout with Yuta,” you interrupt, not daring to glance at Taeyong.

“But we bring pizza! We paid for it when we took these from the deliveryman downstairs!”

“Free food!” Yuta immediately helps Mark with setting down the pizza and eyes the six-pack of soda in Taeyong’s hands.

“Don’t just stand there, come in!”

“Fake,” you mutter under your breath, giving Mark the stinkeye while you reached for a slice of pepperoni pizza that just happened to be the slice Taeyong was going for. Your fingertips touch and you take your hand away, gesturing for him to take it while you set your eyes on a different slice.

“Okay, let’s watch a movie!” Yuta shouts as he strategically takes a seat on the couch and gestures for you to sit next to him while Mark sits on your left, leaving Taeyong to take the space on the other side of Yuta. “What’s the featured presentation, loser?”

“The first Harry Potter movie,” you answer. “I haven’t seen it in a while and thought it’ll be nice to rewatch it.”

“What Houses are you all in?” he asks in follow-up. “I’m a Slytherin, for sure.”

“Mark’s probably a Gryffindor,” you offer. “He fits that image.”

Your brother stammers at your conclusion and Taeyong adds on something you can’t catch as you get asked your House.

“I took the quiz and got Hufflepuff.”

“Same as Taeyong!”

You freeze and Taeyong nods.

“Yeah, I’m Hufflepuff too.”

The impending silence thickens the air and Yuta is first to break the tension by clicking the Play button on the remote, the familiar tune of the franchise playing on screen as the movie begins. At certain intervals, you find yourself sneaking glimpses at Taeyong, something about his appearance different than what you remembered prior to your breakup. The hair color was a noticeable change for sure—the fiery red a stark contrast from his usual dark locks—but there was something else. Something more that you're unable to pinpoint and the nagging voice at the back of your head didn’t help in making your curiosity go away at all.

You’re not sure how much of the movie you managed to actually watch when the end credits make their way onscreen, but luckily you had watched it before. It wasn’t really that big of a deal that you didn’t pay attention to it when someone else was preoccupying your mind the entire time.

“Pizza for breakfast tomorrow,” Yuta mumbles sleepily after shutting off the television. “Come on Mark, we should get ready for bed, I’m beat.”

“Oh, but…”

“I’ll clean everything up,” Taeyong offers. “You have class tomorrow.”

“I can help too,” you chime. “Two pairs of hands clean faster than one.”

Mark nods slowly and follows Yuta upstairs, leaving you and Taeyong alone downstairs.

“Okay,” you begin, rolling up your sleeves. “I’ll clear the trash and you can pack up the leftovers?”

“Sounds good.”

You approach your tasks separately, first tossing all the oily plates, soiled napkins, and other tidbits of disposable plastics into a white trash bag and tying it up before locating the broom to sweep up any crumbs that had fallen onto the hardwood floor. Thank goodness Yuta’s apartment didn’t have any carpet because you hated to vacuum.

“Do you need help?”

You shake your head and gesture to the bag of trash by the door.

“Just need to take out the trash.”

“I can do that,” Taeyong says before you can object. “Be right back.”

When he returns, you’re finally able to spot the difference in his appearance that had your brain clogged from earlier, the sparkling silver dangling from his left ear unmistakable of new piercings that he didn’t have before.

“You got piercings in your ear, Taeyong.”

He nods shyly. “Do you like them?”

“They suit you well, actually.”

“I was really scared but I think it was a good choice to get them.”

“Two at once?” you ask, eyeing his lobe and helix.

Taeyong smiles and your heart stirs at seeing the soft gesture, a look that you hadn’t seen since your departure six months ago to Hong Kong.

“New year, new you,” you joke, trying to change the topic. “I won’t be surprised if you get more like Yuta.”

“I don’t have the guts for that.”

“You never know. Maybe someday you’ll get something wild like a lip piercing.”

He pauses, picking his words carefully.

“Are you… Are you and Yuta dating?”

The idea of dating Yuta brings a snort and you wheeze from the strong laughter vibrating in your stomach.

“Never!”

“You and him seem very close.”

“Mark sent him to pick me up from the airport after I came back and we became friends after that.” You then scowl at recalling your first encounter with him. “He calls me a loser, that asshole.”

“Airport,” he echoes. “Did you leave the country?”

“I went to Hong Kong for six months.”

If he could connect two and two together to link your departure as a product of your breakup with him he didn’t show it, instead nodding as if all his questions prior had finally received an answer.

“I see.”

“Yup.”

Another awkward silence and Yuta’s head pokes from the top of the stairs.

“Go sleep already after you’ve finished cleaning! I have to wake up early tomorrow for a gig.”

“Okay,” you grumble, sticking your tongue out at him. “Want to tuck me in, Mom?”

“In your dreams, loser.”

“I’m going to sleep here,” Taeyong begins, patting the couch. “Good night.”

“Um, okay,” you stumble, tongue tied up just when you were about to make your way to the spare room belonging to Yuta’s second and third roommates, both out for the weekend hence Yuta’s permission for you to sleep over in their room for the night. “Good night then.”

“Sleep well.”

You change out of your day clothes and the room seems to have shrunk as you lie on one of the single beds, the four walls almost closing in on you completely. Twisting and turning to make yourself comfortable, your eyes stay open for what must have been another hour before you tiptoe outside towards the living room, silent tears leaving your eyes at seeing the man you still loved with all your heart with his back turned against you on the couch.

I’m sorry for hurting you when you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place.

—

One more week of doing whatever you pleased and then came the return to the real world, school and work and everything else that had been plaguing your mind in addition to you-know-who. Filling friends in on your adventures was fun, picking up on schoolwork not all pleasing as you suppress a groan at the collection of syllabi you’d picked up on the first day, the mentions of final essays and group projects absolutely revolting. Working alone was a lot easier than having to deal with other people and adjust yourself to their liking for the sake of a grade.

Now that you thought about it, perhaps it was the same for your relationships. Maybe the reason you wanted space from Taeyong was because it was just easier for you. Easier to get to know what you wanted and easier to tell who was to blame for the mishaps from the breakup with the return of your hermit-like personality, not one to go out from the start and even less so when now there wasn’t anyone to push you to step outside for fresh air and a nice walk in the sun. No one to remind you to drink enough water during the day and to eat three meals instead of condensing two into one or not eating altogether for the sake of time. These little reminders were regular with Taeyong and now it seemed strangely empty to not be nagged like a misbehaving child anymore.

Do you miss Taeyong? Yes.

Do you want to get back together with him? Seemingly y—

“That looks horrendous.”

“Tell me about it,” you complain to Yuta, plopping your head against his shoulder. “I can’t do it, asshole, it’s too much.”

“Don’t be such a loser, you got this,” he fires back, shoving you off him as he gets up from the table. “You just need a bit more confidence in yourself.”

“If you haven’t noticed already, I’m naturally lacking in that department.”

“I know. That’s why I’m setting you up on a blind date with one of my roommates.”

“WHAT?”

“You heard me.”

“Yuta!” Your hands curl into fists and they come pounding on your friend’s chest. “What the hell did you do that for?”

“You need to go out more. Stop being such a hermit and actually talk to more people!”

“I already have people I talk to.”

“Different people! Not just your brother and your girl friends from school. Guys!”

“I’m not interested in a relationship right now.” The thought of Taeyong and his dangly earrings flashes into your mind and you shiver.

“No thanks.”

“Just think of it was making a new friend,” he insists. “Please, Y/N, just go.”

“… You were offered something to set this up, weren’t you?”

The Cheshire Cat grin that follows revealed it all and you sigh. It probably wouldn’t hurt to talk to his roommate even though you weren’t sure which one it would be. It probably would turn out alright.

“Fine, I’ll go.”

“Life saver! I’ll send you the address later.”

“Are you leaving already?” you ask.

“Work starts in 30 minutes; I should’ve left an hour ago. There’s traffic at this time.”

“Well, can you at least tell me a little bit about this dude so I won’t be sitting there awkwardly when I first meet him?”

Yuta scoffs, shaking his head. “Trust me, if you can handle getting shit from someone as amazing as myself on the daily, you’re going to be just fine.”

“… I hate you, you dumb piece of shit.”

“And you’re the ultimate loser, loser, so it’s a draw.”

“Fuck off.”

—

You fidget in your seat as you wait for your date to arrive, fingers playing with the bracelet on your left wrist. So far no sign of someone wearing a yellow sunflower on his lapel, a rather corny choice of accessory but easily recognizable amongst the multiple roses already here—clearly the more popular choice for flowered décor.

“Strawberry hair clip,” a voice sounds from behind you. “You must be Y/N?”

You nod in the affirmative at seeing the sunflower and introduce yourself properly to Yuta’s roommate, the youngest in their trio who smiles when he finds out you’re the same age as him.

“When’s your birthday?” he asks curiously.

“January. Why?”

“You’re older than me by only a month,” he laughs. “That’s amazing.”

This guy, he seems alright.

You smile in return and ask for his name.

“Oh my bad, I’m Jaehyun!”

—

Jaehyun was different from Taeyong in that he didn’t nag you like a kid, but rather gave reminders that you could either accept or refuse, and it wouldn’t be his fault if things went wrong because he had already told you so. Take the instance you went out in a white blouse and black miniskirt for dinner, the splatter of red stains on the white shirt completely your fault when you hadn’t listened to his warning beforehand that eating spaghetti would get messy. The chills on your bare legs after walking in the freezing wind at night didn’t help either since you didn’t think you needed an extra jacket when it had still been warm during the early evening when you first left the apartment. Warnings were given and you didn’t bother to listen, it was simple as that.

“Do you always need extra supervision?” he laughs as he stops the glass of lemonade from knocking over after you raise your hand to ask for another bowl of ice cream. “Dessert over the drink, obviously.”

“Shut up,” you groan, making your drink was safe before asking the waiter for another green tea ice cream. “My hand-eye coordination is off.”

“Right you are.”

Another round of ice cream makes it to your table in a snap and you easily finish it in a matter of seconds, placing down the silver spoon with a satisfied hum. “Yay, finished.”

“Then let’s go.”

Jaehyun pays before you can even glance at the check and a pout remains on your face during the walk back to your apartment.

“Hey, wait up!”

You turn back, plucking your earbuds from your ears as Jaehyun runs up to you with a single red rose in his hands.

“Where’d you get that from?”

“Someone was selling them two streets back,” he answers, offering the flower to you. “I wanted to stop but you kept going, so I quickly got one and then ran to catch up.”

“… I don’t want it.”

“Why not?”

“I’m allergic,” you lie, “And I don’t want to change the relationship we already have.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean.” You gesture at the space between you and him. “There used to be a wall here, you know? I thought I was pretty good at keeping it up until…”

“Until I broke it?” he finishes.

“I… I don’t know what we are, Jaehyun. Because I’m over here trying to be a good friend but you’re over there acting as if you’re my—”

“I wouldn’t say no to being your boyfriend.”

“You’re not getting it!” Flustered, you place your earbuds back into your ears and turn up the volume, only to have them yanked out of your ears as Jaehyun hands you the rose.

“Why won’t you give me a chance?”

Refusing to answer, you resume the walk and to your annoyance he follows you even though he lived the opposite way.

“Y/N, is it Taeyong?”

Hearing his name makes you freeze in your tracks and the soft sigh leaving Jaehyun’s mouth only confirms his hunch.

“You still love him, don’t you?”

“N-No.”

“But you broke up with him.”

“Yes,” you nod. “But breaking up with Taeyong doesn’t mean I have to get together with you.”

“Then why did you break up with him if you’re still in love with him?”

Barb after barb dig their way into your heart and you blink furiously to stop the tears from trickling down your face.

“That’s my problem, not yours.”

“It became my problem when I decided I wanted you to return my feelings.”

You stare at the offered rose and shake your head.

“I can’t, Jaehyun.”

“I’m not asking for an answer now,” Jaehyun says with a dimpled smile. “Just… remember what I said to you tonight. And please take the rose, I had to run down two streets to catch up to you after buying it.”

You reluctantly take the rose and mumble a thank you before waving him the other way so he can make it home before it got too late. To your surprise, you’re greeted by two other guests in your home when you finally make it back to your apartment complex and the following commotion at hearing about Jaehyun’s confession makes you wonder why you bothered to tell your brother about the spare key placed strategically under the doormat if he was only going to cause a ruckus each time he crashed your place for the night.

“He did WHAT now?”

“Mark, please don’t yell in my ear,” you complain as you rub your right ear. “I can hear you just fine.”

“So that little turd confessed,” Yuta snickers. “I knew he would do it sooner or later.”

“Yuta, why didn’t you stop him?” Mark whines. “Taeyong…”

“Hate to break it to you Mark, but your sister and Taeyong aren’t together anymore. She has every right to start a new relationship after reverting back to the single life.”

“I’m going to kick your face,” you threaten at Yuta. Swinging an arm around your brother, Mark squirms in your hold and you ruffle his hair before releasing your arm. “That goes for you too, little brother.”

“I thought going to Hong Kong would clear your head so you would get back with Taeyong,” Mark sighs. “Don’t you still love him?”

“People change,” you tell him. “It happens whether they want to change or not.”

“So do you not like Taeyong anymore?”

“I… I don’t know.”

Yuta rolls his eyes at your uncertainty. “I’m stressed for you, loser, and the dumbest thing is that it’s not even my problem to deal with.”

“Aww, that means you care!”

He cringes as you lean your head on his shoulder, not bothering to shove you off like he usually does.

“Who told me to become your best friend?”

Mark takes note of the red rose propped in a glass bottle by the coat rack and gets up, bringing over the bottle and plucking the rose out of its container.

“When did you get this?”

“Jaehyun gave it to me when he confessed,” you answer. “He apparently ran down two streets to buy the rose and then back to catch up to me before I left him in the dust.”

“And it took only three weeks for him to do it,” Yuta adds. “He’s got some guts, that kid.”

The conversation continues for another hour before each of you disperse for the night, Mark taking the couch while Yuta set up camp on the floor with the sleeping bag he had brought with him, immune to your sarcastic eye-rolling and firing back a witty comeback of his own before the lights in the living room died down in exchange for sleep. Your steps heavy as you trek to your room, the first thing you do after brushing your teeth is jump onto your bed, lying down stomach-first. Your head still hurt after overthinking on how to best answer Jaehyun and factoring in the lingering feelings towards Taeyong after the impulsive breakup; you weren’t used to being favored by so many people when you usually beat yourself up twice as much on the daily.

“But what do I want?”

Flipping over to stare up at the ceiling, you then sigh and reach for your phone, scrolling through your inbox and gasping at the seven missed calls from none other than Jaehyun.

You press his number and he picks up first ring.

“Are you okay?”

“Why would I not be?”

“I didn’t know if you made it back home safe, so I had to call.”

That’s such a Taeyong thing to do.

You apologize for worrying him and he brings up the rose again, voicing his relief when finding out you had placed it in a bottle rather than tossed it out the moment you returned home.

“It means I have a chance,” he jokes when you confront him about it. “I’m hopeful.”

“Hmm.”

“… Am I bothering you?”

“Not really,” you say, stifling the yawn building up in your throat. “But I’d like to sleep soon. I’m rather tired and have an early class tomorrow.”

“Then I’ll hang up so you can sleep. Good night.”

“Bye.”

You hang up, and the next morning lingering traces of your dream flicker in your mind as you get ready for class: holding a hand, exchanging warm smiles, and finally receiving forehead kisses from your mystery lover while dream-you leaned forward to alert the unconscious-you that it was time to wake up and return to the real world.

—

The familiar figure standing outside your class runs up to you the moment you step outside the classroom, chocolate in hand as he nods in greeting.

“Flowers didn’t work last time, so I thought I’d try sweets this time.”

You eye the box of chocolates, mouth twitching at seeing that it was dark chocolate, your favorite.

“I… don’t like dark chocolate.”

“Yuta said they’re your favorite type of chocolate,” Jaehyun insists. “Especially this brand.”

“Stupid Yuta,” you grumble. “Giving my information away like it’s his to give.”

He offers the box to you again and you take it, albeit reluctantly.

“This doesn’t mean anything. It’s stupid to say no to free chocolate.”

“Sure. You want to grab some coffee too?”

“Only if you’re paying.”

“Then yes, I’m definitely paying.”

True to his word, Jaehyun is the one to pay for your coffee after ordering and your knees bounce up and down as you wait for him to pick up his iced tea and blueberry muffin, the caffeine already kicking in after half the drink.

“How’s it like being back after going abroad?”

“Same old stuff,” you reply, knees still jogging like a wind-up toy. “I’ll get back on the groove of things soon. I have a few friends in some of my classes, so it’s not that bad—”

A hand rests on your thigh and you freeze at the sudden touch, glancing up to make eye contact with Jaehyun.

“Are you okay?” he asks gently.

“Y-Yeah,” you stutter. “W-Why would I not be okay?”

“You’re stuttering and your leg just won’t stop.”

He adds a tad bit more pressure onto your thigh and eventually it stills under his palm.

“There we go.”

“Can you please take your hand away?” you ask quietly.

He obliges, but scoots closer until your shoulders are touching, allowing you the opportunity to lean on him if you wanted.

“Better?”

“Yup.” Your head unconsciously uses the crook of his shoulder as a pillow and he snorts when you make yourself comfortable even though it hadn’t seemed like you wanted to have him anywhere near you.

“So about yesterday,” he begins.

“Can you just let me sleep for a little bit?” you mumble, closing your eyes.

“Alright.”

You don’t know how long you’ve been asleep, the soft shaking of your shoulder bringing you out of your slumber at the sight of an empty coffee shop.

“They have to close now,” Jaehyun laughs, helping you up. “I didn’t have the heart to wake you when everyone else was already gone.”

You allow him to help you up and yawn as he slips a hand around your waist to hold you steady. “I had coffee though.”

“It apparently only makes you more jittery.”

Throwing a glare at his attempt to lighten the mood, you bicker with him for a bit before stopping outside of the campus bookstore, pausing when you notice the pair of students leaving the store right when you were about to head inside.

“Hey, Taeyong,” Jaehyun nods in greeting.

You glance between the two, eyes widening.

“You know Taeyong?”

“We go to the same university,” Taeyong says quietly. “Same as Yuta and the rest of our roommates.”

“Oh.”

You then take notice of the girl next to Taeyong and smile politely, forcing down the sharp stab in your heart from clawing its way up your throat.

“This is Eunsoo,” he introduces. “She’s from your campus but is currently taking a math class that I happen to have this semester.”

“Hi,” she grins, offering a hand to you and Jaehyun. “Taeyong basically explained it, we have math together.”

You stare at her hand for longer than expected and she laughs it off while taking it back.

“I guess I should’ve asked whether you were okay with a handshake first.”

Refusing to look at Taeyong, you mumble an apology and offer your hand in return, shaking on it before quickly tucking it behind your back. Not that you were intentionally being rude, but it irked you to see her clinging so close to Taeyong when…

“Jaehyun, can you take me home?” you ask rather loudly. “I have something I need to tell you in private.”

Taeyong’s eyes widen slightly and Jaehyun swivels his head back and forth before agreeing, playing along and hooking his arm around your shoulder.

“Yeah, sure. See you later, Taeyong.”

“See you…” Taeyong’s goodbye goes unfinished as you pick up a quick pace, Jaehyun’s long legs easily keeping up while you hurry away.

“See you later.”

❀

“You did that on purpose.”

You neither accept nor deny Jaehyun’s claim. Throwing your shoes aside, you plant your body face first onto the couch once you make it back home, limbs askew.

“Were you jealous of that classmate of his?”

You sit upright abruptly and shake your head.

“I wasn’t jealous!”

He holds out his hands, backing away.

“Chill out, miss fiery-tempered.”

“I wasn’t. Jealous.”

“No one mentioned anything about being jealous, you brought it up yourself.”

Picking up the single pillow lying next to you, you throw it towards Jaehyun and he catches it easily.

“Gonna need to throw it harder if you want to make it count.”

“Me and Taeyong are over! There’s nothing for me to be jealous about when our relationship is already over!”

“I heard he didn’t want it to be over and neither did you.”

You curl into a ball and refuse to talk to him any further, remaining in the same balled-up position for what must be twenty minutes before speaking again.

“I don’t think I’m good enough for him, Jaehyun.”

“Why do you think you’re not good enough for him?”

“Because.” You raise your head up and Jaehyun glances at you expectantly, waiting for an answer. “He gives me so much but I can’t give him anything in return. Whenever I’m sad and shit, he’s immediately there to make me smile again but I usually have to hear from someone else if he’s been feeling upset and stuff. I feel like I’m taking so much for myself and I don’t want that.”

“That’s Taeyong in a nutshell,” Jaehyun shrugs. “He’s an oyster that needs to be delicately pried open to see the contents within.”

“He never says anything when I confront him about it.”

“Keyword is delicate. Surely you should know all about that brooding personality of his from dating him for so long?”

A pout forms on your face and Jaehyun smiles as if he’s hit the jackpot.

“Taeyong’s not going to openly tell you when he’s upset, girlfriend. You have to pick up on these things yourself and bug him about it until he spills the tea. And he’s always been the type to enjoy making others happy more than himself.”

“Who are you calling your girlfriend?” you snap. “And gross, you sound like Yuta.”

“I live with the guy,” he smirks. “And I still hope I have a chance of receiving a yes to my confession.”

You roll your eyes at his cheekiness, but mouth a “thank you” at him before curling back into a silent ball on the couch again.

—

Time has a way of healing your old wounds by giving Jaehyun to you as a boyfriend. Fast forward the gears and here you are, having given someone else a part of your heart after many days of perseverance and offerings of chocolate from his end.

Yuta had been the first to congratulate you on your new relationship, celebrating the loss of your single status by showing up to your apartment with a six-pack of beer that had been cleared that same night. Just you and him—two drunk people blabbering about the wonders of having Jaehyun as a boyfriend before passing out on the couch in the blink of an eye. Following drink night was a severe hangover in the morning that came unpleasantly painful to the brain, but worth every penny when said boyfriend of yesterday’s drunk talk showed up with medicine and hot food to help tone down the dizziness at a moment’s notice.

“You get the best boyfriend award,” Yuta says, stuffing his face with fried chicken and twisting open a bottle of iced tea. “Even better than Taeyong.”

Jaehyun quickly glances at you and you chuckle.

“Shut up and eat your chicken, Yuta.”

“You don’t want any?” your boyfriend asks.

“No, I think I’ll be fine with just the tea.”

Mark was less cheerful when he found out you and Jaehyun were now a couple—his vote still for Taeyong—but still wished you the best since your emotional rut after the breakup. You had proceeded to put him in your signature headlock and he whined at the violent affection before raising the white flag because in the end, your happiness was the most important, not Taeyong’s. An old relationship ending, the only thing to do now was look forward, not back.

“Does Taeyong know?” Mark asks after sitting back on the couch with a chocolate bar in hand.

“Mark, it’s been six months since Jaehyun and I started dating. If Jaehyun hasn’t told him already, I don’t see why I need to tell him about it.”

“He should know so he can stop pining over you!”

“Pining?” you echo. “What do you mean?”

“He never forgot about you,” Mark continues. “All those times you asked me how he was doing, I lied by saying he was fine because he didn’t want you knowing that he was still miserable over your breakup.”

“What?”

“He put the blame on himself for everything. Said it was his fault for not being good enough to notice that you were unhappy. His fault for not loving you like he should have and pushing you away to Hong Kong. He took the blame for literally everything and even now, it… it hurts to see someone I look up to crumble into broken pieces of what he used to be.

“I’m not saying you should get back together with him,” your brother finishes, head hanging low. “I can tell you’re happy with Jaehyun. But please… please at least let Taeyong know you’ve moved on from him so he can do the same.”

Just like that, the feelings you’ve kept locked away in the back of your mind come rushing out, flooding your memories as tears spill from your eyes at the thought of Taeyong still hanging onto the threads you had severed with your own two hands so long ago.

—

Taeyong was the one you never wanted to let go.

You loved him. All the memories you made with him were precious increments of captured time that you still hold dear in your heart. Every little part of him engraved in your mind so deeply that you only had to close your eyes for a split second before his face came into view. Beauty and a kind soul rolled into one, he was like no other and it hurt to have to tell him that you had moved on from him.

You couldn’t wait for him anymore when you had already started the next chapter of your life in a direction that he wouldn’t be part of.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?”

You shake your head at Jaehyun.

“I think it’s best if I do this on my own.”

Your boyfriend nods and kisses your forehead quickly before letting go.

“I’ll wait for you out here then.”

“Mmm.”

The twinkling chime of the opening door brings Taeyong out of his trance and he takes off the black headphones around his ears, smiling at you when you approach his table.

“Hey.”

You smile and he gestures for you to sit down.

“Mocha like usual or something non-caffeinated?”

The fact that he still remembered what you liked adds another pang of piercing pain in your chest, but you press it down as you shake your head firmly, not needing any sort of drink.

“I’m good.”

“Okay.” Taeyong places his headphones on the table and you take notice of the pad of paper with illegible scribbles at the top page next to said headphones.

“Were you writing lyrics?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles, rubbing his hands anxiously. “It’s a new piece I started working on last week, but there isn’t quite the right feeling of sadness that I’m going for.”

“Taeyong, I’m… I’m dating Jaehyun.”

“I was told you and him are a couple now. Congratulations.”

The emptiness in his congratulations as clear as a bell, you reach for his hands and squeeze gently.

“I’m sorry.”

“Is there no way we can go back to how things used to be?” he asks quietly.

“I thought some time apart would help us, but…”

“I really didn’t want us to break up.” Desperation claws at your hands as he grips your fingers tightly in response. “You didn’t even give me a chance to fix what was wrong.”

“You were never the one in the wrong.” You force your hands free and blink away the impending tears. “It was all me and I’m sorry for hurting you when—”

“THERE WAS NEVER ANY OF THAT!”

The sudden outburst startles you and Taeyong immediately ducks his head in apology at the customers staring at him from throughout the café before speaking at a quieter volume.

“It was never you.”

Your heart clenches at hearing the sniffles and seeing the droplets of water soaking into his jeans.

“It was never you,” he repeats, wiping a hand across his nose. “I never opened up about myself to you and in turn shut you out when all I wanted was for you to let me in.”

“Please, Taeyong…”

He coughs and shakes his head, a smile plastered onto his face.

“I’m really glad to hear that you’re happy now.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t apologize.” He stands up and spots Jaehyun waiting outside. “I’d like to talk to Jaehyun, if that’s alright?”

“Of course.”

You follow him outside and Jaehyun perks up when he sees the two of you.

“Hey there.”

Taeyong takes a deep breath and places his hands on your shoulders, gently pushing you over to Jaehyun.

“She’s yours now.”

“Everything okay between the two of you, or…?”

“I have a request,” Taeyong speaks up before Jaehyun can finish. “I hope it’s okay with you if we remain friends.”

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Jaehyun nods while you do the same. “I have nothing against that when you two met first.”

“Thank you.” Your ex shoots you and Jaehyun a soft smile. “Please treat her well and make her happy, Jaehyun.”

How can I be happy when I know you’re not happy at all, Taeyong?

—

You were never able to fully decipher what it was about Taeyong that made him so hard to let go.

There were plenty of people in the world who were better than him. Handsomer than him, skinnier than him, could dance better, sing better, dress better… the list could go on forever. He wasn’t the crown jewel of anything but to you he was the brightest star of them all, a glimmering diamond in the rough that outshined every single other jewel in the collection. To give up on him was a wrongful move from the start, let alone pretend that you wanted to follow through with such an idea when you never had that intention in the first place. Not a day goes by when you don’t think of him and how hurt he must have been all this time, six plus months of waiting for you to welcome him back into your life when he had thought all this time it was his fault. An unwavering heart that belonged to you and here you were, looking back to the times when you once had it and regretting that you ever wanted to dispose of it when you wanted very much to have it in your possession once again.

It was unfair. It was unfair for Fate to play you like this on a love that you had moved on from. You didn’t think you deserved someone like Taeyong to return your feelings when you couldn’t even feel good about yourself, let alone give love and affection to another.

“Earth to Y/N.”

A hand waves in front of your face and your eyes widen in alarm at the tipping cup that spills its contents all over your notes, staining the inked letters as you quickly pick up the soaked notebook still dripping orange off the desk.

“Sorry, I…”

“Please,” you sigh in exasperation at your boyfriend. “Please, just… leave me alone.”

Jaehyun stands in silence as you put down your notebook, watching you run into the kitchen to grab a roll of paper towels to wipe up the spilled juice—your turned back a clear indicator that you weren’t in the mood to talk about anything right now.

“Do you need help?”

“No,” you answer, holding up a wad of wet paper towel. “I’ve got it.”

“Can we talk?” he speaks up after you return from throwing away the trash.

“I’m kinda busy right now, Jaehyun.”

“It’s important.”

The seriousness in his tone catches you off guard and you reluctantly nod before setting aside your school papers to sit next to him on your couch.

“You haven’t been yourself lately,” he starts. “Ever since—”

“I’ve been fine,” you refute. “Just stressed since exams are coming up.”

“Stressed about exams or stressing over Taeyong?”

“Why do you keep bringing up Taeyong into everything, Jaehyun? I’ve told you multiple times—”

“You’re still not over him even though you’re here with me right now.”

Curling your hands into fists, you cross your arms in denial.

“Not true.”

The sadness in his eyes is all too fathomable as an empty sigh leaves his mouth.

“Your heart pushed me out long ago, I was just trying to see if I could stay permanently.”

“Jaehyun, what even?” Anger and disappointment rolling into one, you extend an arm to punch his shoulder hard and he winces at the impact. “You’re stupid, I can’t believe even after all this time you still doubt me… do you know how many times we’ve already argued because of this?”

He allows you to punch him two more times before grabbing your hand and setting it down on his lap.

“I tried to let it go but I just can’t.”

“Why not?” Your voice raises an octave. “Why can’t you just let it go? We’ve been dating for almost a year and a half now, why can’t you—”

“Because it hurts knowing that I’ll never be able to get you to love me the same way that I love you.”

“I’m your girlfriend, Jaehyun. What more do you want from me?”

Another sigh and he lets go of your hand.

“I know, but I never once felt like I was really your boyfriend when you were still very much preoccupied with the thought of getting back with Taeyong.”

“… You’re an idiot and I’m not going to stay together with an idiot who doesn’t trust me.”

—

The breakup party at your apartment consists of a livid Yuta and sympathetic Mark, and you down your third can of beer for the night, ears ringing and mouth lingering with a taste of bitterness beyond the alcoholic beverage as you attempt to stand while tipsy.

“I don’t need Jaehyun!” you shout, wiggling a finger at Mark. “I don’t need you, Jung Jaehyun!”

“You’re drunk,” Mark says, pulling you back down to sit. “No more.”

“Not drunk. Nope, not drunk at all.”

“That punk,” Yuta mutters, cracking open the fourth can of beer in the pack of six, downing the first gulp. “I can’t believe that fucker actually said something like that to you.”

You pump your fist into the air. “Cheers to no Jaehyun!”

“No more drinking,” Mark repeats as he brings your arm down. “Yuta, please keep my sister away from the beer so I can call for backup.”

“Mark, don’t tell me you’re gonna—”

“Mark!” you interrupt, bottom lip trembling. “Mark, I got dumped!”

“Take care of her!” Mark says to Yuta before rushing outside to make a call. “I’ll come back with reinforcements soon!”

—

Your eyes open to darkness, body kept warmly tucked in bed. Head ringing, you rub your temples and blink to focus on your surroundings, able to recognize that you were at least in your room and not in a stranger’s home after getting completely wasted from drinking three cans of beer.

Your knee brushes against a lump on your bed when you reach for the lamp on your nightstand and you quickly shuffle back, fumbling to turn on the light and gasping at the yawning figure that sits upright from his chair by your bed.

“What are you doing here, Taeyong?”

“Mark called me saying you were upset after breaking up with Jaehyun,” he answers, stretching his arms high above his head. “I was told you’ve been drinking.”

A burp makes its way up your throat and your nose scrunches at tasting the aftertaste of what could be piss if you hadn’t known any better.

“Drinking, yes.”

“Your day clothes are in the wash and they should be just about…”

Taeyong suddenly gets up and you frown when he returns twenty minutes later with a cup of hot tea in his hands.

“Here. Drink this while I hang up your laundry.”

“Please, you don’t…”

“It won’t take long,” he promises. “If you haven’t changed where you keep your hangers and stuff.”

You shake your head and he gives you a smile before leaving your room, the cup of hot tea growing colder by the minute as your gaze remains fixed on your doorway, waiting for Taeyong to come back any moment now. You couldn’t remember much from earlier in the evening; had you been that upset over breaking up with Jaehyun that your little brother needed to call Taeyong of all people to calm you down?

“Finished?”

His voice brings you back from your thoughts and he chuckles at the still-full cup. “It won’t taste good cold.”

You take the cup of lukewarm tea and bring it to your lips, the warm liquid soothing your throat and bringing away the aftertaste of beer as it fills your mouth with a refreshing jasmine instead.

“Why did you break up with Jaehyun, if you don’t mind me asking?”

Tea nearly finished, you drink up the last drop and place the cup down before answering him.

“We apparently had a problem that wasn’t caught until now and it just… that was it.”

“I’m sorry.”

You shake your head. “Don’t apologize for something that probably wouldn’t have lasted long anyway.”

“I just want you to be happy,” Taeyong murmurs, head hanging low. “That’s the least I wanted for you after I couldn’t do it myself.”

How can I be happy after knowing you were beating yourself up for something I did, Taeyong?

“Don’t apologize,” you repeat. “You did nothing wrong.” Your hand hesitantly reaches towards him and eventually rests on his shoulder.

“It wasn’t your fault.”

He reaches for your fingers and grasps them tightly.

“If I had noticed earlier…”

“You can’t do everything for me, Taeyong.” Your other hand tangles itself in his hair and you lean forward, knocking your forehead against his. “Sometimes you just need to let me crash and burn so that I can pick myself back up from where I fell.”

“I’m sorry.” His chest heaves and you panic at seeing the droplets of tears soaking into your covers. “I’m so sorry I couldn’t do more, I’m sorry I failed you when you needed me the most.”

“Taeyong, wait, why are you crying?”

Taeyong doesn’t answer, and the only sounds you hear are his sniffles when the hand that was holding your own falls limply against his side, his head shifting to rest on your shoulder. Your arms wrap around him in comfort and you hold him tightly in your embrace, channeling reassurance in the hug.

“Is everything okay?”

He shakes his head, a soft mumble of “hold me” effectively shutting down your curiosity as you simply continue to hold him while the tears flowed until he couldn’t cry anymore.

—

The next morning you find the space next to your pillow empty, as if Taeyong had never been there at all.

“A dream?” you murmur, opening the blinds to let sunlight into your dim room.

Shuffling to the bathroom, you wash up quickly and notice a yellow post-it note sitting on top of your favorite pair of black ankle boots, a note with a scribble that you recognized in a heartbeat.

I have something to tell you after your classes end. 3pm at your favorite café, see you then.

“Huh,” you begin, pocketing the note into your bag. “Okay.”

After your classes end, you make your way to the café and instantly spot the familiar head of red seated by the window, the silver earrings dangling from his ear catching light from the sun.

“I got your note,” you begin as you sit down directly across from him. “What’s up?”

Taeyong takes off his headphones when he sees you and smiles.

“Hi.”

“Got your note,” you repeat, taking out the yellow post-it note from your bag.

“Oh. I… I wanted to ask how you felt after last night.”

“I feel fine.” You selectively keep quiet about the intimacy between the two of you and smile. “Thank you for spending the night and making sure I was okay.”

“Of course.”

Not used to the awkwardness, you clear your throat with a cough and he looks away before sliding a box across the table towards you.

“What’s this, Taeyong?”

“A gift.”

“May I open it?”

He nods and you take off the ribbon, unable to hold back your surprise at the ring hanging off the silver chain nestled in the box.

“A little something from me,” he begins. “A token of my love, if you will.”

You ease the chain from the box and touch the cold silver band, eyes squinting at the engravings etched within.

“Three hearts?”

“They wouldn’t let me cover the entire interior with hearts. Said it would take too long if I wanted to pick it up the same day.”

A tiny snort tickles your nose and you close the lid.

“That’s so you.”

He chuckles in return and glances up at you nervously.

“I’m hoping you can give me another chance by wearing it tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“You know how Yuta always says he has gigs to go to?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t know if he’s ever told you, but he’s part of a rock band at my university and I’ve been asked to perform a short piece with his band.”

“That’s great!” You’re unable to hide your joy, clasping your hands together in delight. “So many people will know of you and your music this way!”

“I… I’d really appreciate it if you could come see me… us perform.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“And… And I’d like you to wear the necklace if you decide to come.”

Realization of his intention dawning upon you, you look away and he smiles, dismissing the thought with a wave of his hand.

“Just a thought. You don’t have to.”

“I… I’ll think about it,” you finish after a moment’s silence. “I’ll have to check to see if I can fit it in my schedule and… yeah.” You start to push the box back towards him but he shakes his head.

“Please keep it regardless of whether you decide to wear it or not.”

“Taeyong…”

“I insist.”

You reluctantly nod and tuck the box into your bag. “If you insist.”

“And Y/N?”

“Yes?”

“I really hope you can give me a second chance to make things better again.”

—

Taeyong’s gift remains untouched on your nightstand, ribbon tied on as if you had never opened it after receiving it from him.

What would starting over entail? How sure were you that you wouldn’t succumb to your depreciative tendencies of belittling yourself and repeat the same mistake of pushing him out when he was sensitive in his own right?

Your phone buzzes mid-thought and you pick up to hear your brother telling you he was outside your front door, forgetting to bring back the spare to let himself in after taking it with him the last time he was over. You chastise his forgetfulness before heading towards the front door to let him in, eyeing him knowingly before offering tea and cookies.

“Are you free tomorrow?” he asks you when you return with a pot of freshly brewed earl grey and chocolate chip cookies on the side of your tea tray.

“Why?”

“Yuta invited to me to a concert at his university and I thought you’d want to go.”

“I’m not into rock,” you snort. “Plus I didn’t even know he was in a band until Taeyong told me.”

“You met with Taeyong?”

Covering your hand over your mouth, you pour a cup of tea for Mark and whistle innocently as you reach for a cookie.

“Um, no.”

“You just said he told you about Yuta’s band.”

“Okay, fine, Taeyong actually invited me to that same event because he’ll be performing a piece with the band.”

Mark claps your shoulders in delight. “You should go!!”

“… I don’t know.”

The dejected look on his face spelled it out as clear as day. “Why not?”

You tell him to wait and bring down the gift box from your room, Mark gasping in awe at seeing the chain inside the box.

“There’s a ring on it!”

“He wants me to wear the necklace if I go tomorrow,” you explain.

“So wear it.”

“Mark. I can’t wear it.”

His face scrunches up, puzzled at your wishy-washy denial. “Just go to him already. He’s been waiting for so long and you’ve been unable to give him up for so long. Make it easier on yourselves.”

“I’m scared I’ll mess up again.”

“Life is all about making mistakes and learning from them. You made the mistake of letting him go once so this time just hold on. Hold on so tight that your hands are glued together and you’re practically attached at the hip.”

“Your attempt at sounding philosophical amuses me to no end.”

Mark blows a raspberry at you and proceeds to finish his tea, stuffing two cookies into his mouth before turning on the tv. You make sure to tell him to clean up after he finishes eating before taking the necklace and returning to your room, the box sitting on your lap as you study the silver chain and matching metal band. The significance and meaning behind the ring weighing down on your shoulders, you place the gift back into its bedding and close the box, needing to clear your head to rethink your answer to Taeyong’s proposition when you show up to see him tomorrow.

If. You show up to see him tomorrow.

—

The clock ticks down the minutes before four, 120 of the 60-second increments already gone as you sit on a table by the café on campus, blueberry muffin untouched. 4 o’clock was his slated time to go on stage and it was already nearing 3. It would take approximately 45 minutes to go to his campus on a good day without traffic, so if you wanted to see him you should be going now instead of contemplating your life decisions in front of a muffin.

Setting down your fork, you approach the cash register and get a paper bag from the staff to bring your muffin out, nibbling on the crumbly dessert before feeling the vibration on the back of your jeans.

“Hello?”

“Are you coming, loser?”

“Yuta, aren’t you busy right now?”

“Finished rehearsal and now waiting for the final call,” he informs you. “You coming or what?”

“I don’t know.”

He groans at your half-assed answer. “Stop overthinking it and just get your ass over here already!”

“Excuse me, I’m a busy woman with my own agenda.”

“Look, you need to settle out all your problems, and there’s no better day to do it than today. If I don’t see you in the crowd when he’s performing I’m going to storm into your house and eat all your cookies.”

“YOU WOULDN’T.”

“I know where you keep them. Bye, loser.”

You hang up, biting into the muffin as you make the quick walk back to your apartment. Kicking off your shoes, you lay down on the couch and spot the upside-down plate on your coffee table.

“I told him to clean up after he was done eating!”

Grumpy, you bring the dirty dishes to the kitchen sink and let them soak in the basin before patting the empty spot in the back of your jeans.

“Where’s my phone?”

Panic surging through your veins, you turn over every single pillow and piece of furniture before flipping over your bag, leafing through the contents and finding it underneath a stash of scrunched up papers that were no doubt old homework assignments or even exams.

“How is already 3:45, I barely even—”

You run to your room after checking the time and the panic only heightens when you fail to see the necklace and its box at its usual spot on your nightstand. Cursing your tendency of misplacing your things, you begin another thorough search of your room and come up empty-handed of the gift that had been given to you the day before. One more, three more times and you’re still void any sight of the necklace and its ribboned box.

“God dammit, why does this always happen to me!!”

Eyes wet with tears, you punch your pillow angrily as you let it all out.

“I’m the stupidest, most ridiculous human being, can’t even… put things away properly…”

By now your pillow is tossed under the bed after receiving all those hits, and your hands ache from the vigorous punches. Upset at the turn of events, you return to the living room in defeat, packing away your things when your phone buzzes again with another call this time from Mark.

“Are you here?” he asks you.

You can barely hear his voice with the loud music blasting in the background and he repeats his question.

“Are you here?”

“No, I’m… Mark, I can’t find the necklace.”

“Oh, I brought it with me. You know how you are with misplacing your things.”

“Starting now, you’re banned from staying over at my apartment, Mark. Banned.”

—

You’ve never run so fast in your life after getting off the bus stop right before his university, pushing through the crowd of people hanging around the park to locate the stage set up coincidentally on the opposite side of where you were. As if Fate wasn’t satisfied with spiting you once, she had to do it again in the worse way in the form of bodies blocking your way from getting to where you needed to be before it was too late.

“Mark! Mark, I’m here!”

Your brother turns his head and beams at seeing you, frowning at the sound of your wheezing and sharp inhaling of breath.

“Did you run here?”

“What do you think?”

You hold out a hand. “Necklace.”

“Oh, right.”

He reaches into his jacket and gently hands over the silver chain.

“Help me put it on?”

“Um, I’ll try my best.”

He finally hooks on the clasp after the seventh try and you quickly fix your hair before turning to the stage.

“Did Taeyong go yet?”

“Unfortunately, yes. You got here five minutes after the show ended.”

“He was the closing act and I missed it?”

“Yeah.”

“Where is he now?”

Mark gestures to your right. “Somewhere there, I think. Saw him grab a beer on his way out.”

You thank your brother and head that direction, locating the refreshments table and easily identifying the figure dressed in all black leaning against the tent where a large set of drums was being dismantled for packing up.

“Look who decided to finally show up,” Yuta scowls as he looks up at you. “Better late than never, right Taeyong?”

Taeyong’s head snaps up and you wave awkwardly.

“I’m sorry, I really tried to make it here on time.”

He stands up, beer in hand before setting it down on the table. “No, I… I’m glad you came. Like Yuta said, better late than never.”

“Okay, lovebirds, go talk it out somewhere else. We need to pack up and you’ll only get in the way.”

“Want to walk with me?” Taeyong offers.

You nod slowly. “S…Sure.”

Taking a quieter route, you follow him down a bunch of winding paths and eventually he stops before the pavilion nestled deeper within the park, giving you a view of the entire area away from the bustling activity of the concert hosted by his university.

“You wore it.”

You look down at your neck and nod. “Yes.”

He licks his lips in anticipation and shuffles his feet anxiously.

“I… I didn’t think you would come.”

“Why not?”

“Was sure you wouldn’t want to deal with the likes of me again.”

“Taeyong, please.”

A soft smile lights up his face before he turns away.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t be better.”

“You’re already 200% above being perfect.”

Reaching your hands towards his face, you cup his cheeks and lean forward, lips gently brushing against his.

“Too perfect.”

Before you can speak again, he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you closer, lips locking onto your mouth. You have no time to react, only able to drop your hands from his face to his shoulders. Hands finding purchase on his neck, fingers entangle in his hair as he kisses you and kisses you and kisses you like you were the only one who mattered something to him. Every single touch loving and wiping away any doubt that he didn’t love you, that was when you knew you had been a fool to push away someone who potentially, no, basically loved you more than he loved himself.

“Taeyong,” you gasp after breaking away for a much-needed breath of air. “Taeyong, wait, I—”

“I love you.” He leaves no room for smalltalk before squeezing you even tighter. “I love you, I can’t… I can’t stop thinking about you, please—”

“Mmm.”

He gently nibbles on your bottom lip and you open your mouth, allowing his tongue to reclaim what was his and he quickens his pace at hearing the soft moans from your end. Taeyong kisses you like a man starved, like you were his oasis in the desert that he was stranded in. He laps up every droplet of you given to him, every bit of you that you allow him to have; he consumes your lips and moves his hands upwards, resting them on your shoulders after he finally decides to pull away panting after the heated kisses.

“I’m sorry, I… I completely lost myself just now.”

You shake your head. “It’s fine.”

He shakes his head in return and drops his hands back to your waist, hesitant.

“You can hug me,” you tell him. “I wouldn’t mind if you hugged me.”

“Please give me another chance,” he whispers, hugging you close. “I know I messed up before, but…”

“I’m sorry,” you butt in before he can finish his sentence. “I’m sorry for breaking up with you out of impulse. I was unhappy with myself and it was wrong of me to take it out on you when you hadn’t done anything wrong.”

He shakes his head fervently in denial. “Don’t say that.”

“I’m sorry for shutting you out and… and I know now that you’re the only one I want to let in.” You kiss his cheek and manage a short chuckle at the sensation on your nose.

“Why are you crying again, you big crybaby?”

“Because… Because you came back for me. I didn’t think you would come back but here you are.”

“Taeyong, please. I will always come back for you.”

Another kiss marks itself onto your mouth and you smile, this exact kiss the one that never fails to make you weak in the knees and forget everything as you loop your hands around his neck to kiss him just as hungrily in return.

#nct #taeyong #nct scenarios #taeyong scenarios #nct fanfic #taeyong fanfic #this is me just writing whatever came to mind.... not much of a plot so hopefully its easy enough to read #writing for myself #indulgence

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