#lots of my stuff recently has been modeling or rpg things that are too specific to post lol | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queenlua · 3 years

Note

hey, i started following you recently and ur bio says ur a hacker? any tips on where to start? hacking seems like a v cool/fun way to learn more abt coding and cybersecurity/infrastructure and i'd like to explore it but there's so much on the internet and like, i'm not trying to get into anything illegal. thanks!

huh, an interesting question, ty!

i can give more tailored advice if you hit me up on chat with more specifics on your background/interests.

given what you've written here, though, i'll just assume you don't have any immediate professional aspirations (e.g. you just want to learn some things, and you aren't necessarily trying to get A Cyber Security Job TM within the next three months or w/e), and that you don't know much about any specific programming/computering domain yet.

(stuff under cut because long)

first i'd probably just try to pick some interesting problem that you think you can solve with tech. this doesn't need to be a "hacking" project at first; i was just messing around with computers for ages before i did anything involving security/exploitation.

if you don't already know how to program, you should ideally pick a problem you can solve via programming. for instance: i learned a lot back in the 2000s, when play-by-post forum RPGs were in vogue. see, i'd already been messing around, building my own personal sites, first just with HTML & CSS, and later on with Javascript and PHP. and i knew the forum software everyone used (InvisionPowerBoard) was written in PHP. so when one of the admins at my RPG complained that they'd like the ability to set multiple profile pictures, i was like, "hey i'm good at programming, want me to create a mod to do that," and then i just... did. so then they asked me to program more features, and i got all the sexy nerd cred for being Forum Mod Queen, and it was a good time, i learned a lot.

(i also got to be the person who was frantically IMed at 2am because wtf the forum is down and there's an inscrutable error, what do??? basically sysadmining! also, much less sexy! still, i learned a lot!)

the key thing is that it's gotta be a problem that's interesting to you: as much as i love making dorky sites in PHP, half the fun was seeing other people using my stuff, and i think the era of forum-based RPGs has passed. but maybe you can apply some programming talents to something that you are interested in—maybe you want to make a silly Chrome extension to make people laugh, a la Cloud to Butt, or maybe you'd like to make a program that converts pixel art into cross-stitching patterns, maybe you want to just make a cool adventure game on those annoying graphing calculators they make you use in class, or make a script for some online game you play, or make something silly with Arduino (i once made a trash can that rolled toward me when i clapped my hands; it was fun, and way easier than you'd think!), whatever.

i know a lot of hacker-types who got their start doing ROM hacking for video games—replacing the character art or animations or whatever in old NES games. that's probably more relevant than the PHP websites, at least, and is probably a solid place to get started; in my experience those communities tend to be reasonably friendly to questions. pick a small thing you want to do & ask how to do it.

also, a somewhat unconventional path, but—once i knew how to program a bit of Python, i started doing goofy junk, like, "hey can i implemented NamedTuple from scratch,” which tends to lead to Python metaprogramming, which leads to surprising shit like "oh, stack frames are literally just Python objects and you can manually edit them in the interpreter to do deliberately horrendous/silly things, my god this language allows too much reflection and i'm having too much fun"... since Python is a lot of folks' first language these days, i thought i'd point that out, since i think this is a pretty accessible start to thinking about How Programs Actually Work under the hood. allison kaptur has some specific recommendations on how to poke around, if you wanna go that route.

it's reasonably likely you'll end up doing something "hackery" in the natural course of just working on stuff. for instance, while i was working on the IPB forum software mods, i became distressed to learn that everyone was using an INSECURE version of the software! no one was patching their shit!! i yelled at the admins about it, and they were like "well we haven't been hacked yet so it's not a problem," so i uh, decided to demonstrate a proof of concept? i downloaded some sketchy perl script, kicked it until it worked, logged in as the admins, and shitposted a bit before i logged out, y'know, to prove my point.

(they responded by banning me for two weeks, and did not patch their software. which, y'know, rip to them; they got hacked by an unrelated Turkish group two months later, and those dudes just straight-up deleted the whole website. i was a merciful god by comparison!)

anyway, even though downloading a perl script and just pointing it at a website isn't really "hacking" (it's the literal definition of script kiddie, heh)—the point is i was just experimenting a lot and trying a lot of stuff, which meant i was getting comfortable with thinking of software as not just some immutable relic, but something you can touch and prod in unexpected ways.

this dovetails into the next thing, which is like, just learn a lot of stuff. a boring conventional computer science degree will teach you a lot (provided you take it seriously and actually try to learn shit); alternatively, just taking the same classes as a boring conventional computer science degree, via edX or whatever free online thingy, will also teach you a lot. ("contributing to open source" also teaches you a lot but... hngh... is a whole can of worms; send a follow-up ask if you want that rant.)

here's where i should note that "hacking" is an impossibly broad category: the kind of person who knows how to fuck with website authentication tokens is very different than someone who writes a fuzzer, who is often quite different than someone who looks at the bug a fuzzer produces and actually writes a program that can exploit that bug... so what you focus on depends on what you're interested in. i imagine classes with names like "compilers," "operating systems," and "networking" will teach you a lot. but, like, idk, all knowledge is god-breathed and good for teaching. hell, i hear some universities these days have actual computer security classes? that's probably a good thing to look at, just to get a sense of what's out there, if you already know how to program.

also be comfortable with not knowing everything, but also, learn as you go. the bulk of my security knowledge came when i got kinda airdropped into a work team that basically hired me entirely on "potential" (lmao), and uh, prior to joining i only had the faintest idea what a hypervisor was? or the whole protection ring concept? or ioctls or sandboxing or threat models or, fuck, anything? i mostly just pestered people with like 800 questions and slowly built up a knowledge base, and remember being surprised & delighted when i went to a security conference a year later and could follow most of the talks, and when i wound up at a bar with a guy on the xbox security team and we compared our security models a bunch, and so on. there wasn't a magic moment when i "got it", i was just like, "okay huh this dude says he found a ring-0 exploit... what does that mean... okay i think i got that... why is that a big deal though... better ask somebody.." (also: reading an occasional dead tree book is a good idea. i owe my firstborn to Robert Love's Linux Kernel Development, as outdated as it is, and also O'Reilly's kookaburra book gave me a great overview of web programming back in the day, etc. you can learn a lot by just clicking around random blogs, but you’ll often end up with a lot of random little facts and no good mental scaffolding for holding it together; often, a decent book will give you that scaffolding.)

(also, it's pretty useful if you can find a knowledgable someone to pepper with random questions as you go. finding someone who will actively mentor you is tricky, but most working computery folks are happy to tell you things like "what you're doing is actually impossible, here's why," or "here's a tutorial someone told me was good for learning how to write a linux kernel module," or "here's my vague understanding of this concept you know nothing about," or "here's how you automate something to click on a link on a webpage," which tends to be handier than just google on its own.)

if you're reading this and you're like "ok cool but where's the part where i'm handed a computer and i gotta break in while going all hacker typer”—that's not the bulk of the work, alas! like, for sure, we do have fun pranking each other by trying dumb ways of stealing each other's passwords or whatever (once i stuck a keylogger in a dude's keyboard, fun times). but a lot of my security jobs have involved stuff like, "stare at this disassembly a long fuckin' time to figure out how the program pointer got all fucked up," or, "write a fuzzer that feeds a lot of randomized input to some C++ program, watch the program crash because C++ is a horrible language for writing software, go fix all the bugs," or "think Really Hard TM about all the settings and doohickeys this OS/GPU/whatever has, think about all the awful things someone could do with it, threat model and sandbox accordingly." occasionally i have done cool proof-of-concept hacks but honestly writing exploits can kinda be tedious, lol, so like, i'm only doing that if it's the only way i can get people to believe that Yes This Is Actually A Problem, Fix Your Code

"lua that's cool and all but i wanted, like, actual links and recommendations and stuff" okay, fair. here's some ideas:

microcorruption: very fun embedded security CTF; teaches you everything you need to know as you're doing it.

cryptopals crypto challenges: very fun little programming exercises that teach you a lot of fundamental cryptography concepts as you're going along! you can do these even as a bit of a n00b; i did them in Python for the lulz

the binary bomb lab is hilariously copied by, like, so many CS programs, lol, but for good reason. it's accessible and fun and is the first time most people get to feel like a real hacker! (requires you know a bit of C beforehand)

ctftime is a good way to see when new CTFs ("capture the flag"s; security-focused competitions) are coming up. or, sometimes CTFs post their source code, so you can continue trying them after the CTF is over. i liked Stripe's CTFs when they were going, because they focused on "web stuff", and "web stuff" was all i really knew at the time. if you're more interested in staring at disassembly, there's CTFs focused on that sort of thing too.

azeria has good ARM assembly & exploitation tutorials

also, like, lots of good talks out there; just watching defcon/cansecwest/etc talks until something piques your interest is very fun. i'd die on a battlefield for any of Christopher Domas's talks, but he assumes a lot of specific x86/OS knowledge, lol, so maybe don’t start with that. oh, Julia Evans's blog is honestly probably pretty good for just learning a lot of stuff and really beginner-friendly?

oh and wrt legality... idk, i haven't addressed it here since it hasn't come up in my own work much, tbh. if you're just getting started you're kind of unlikely to Break The Law without, y'know, realizing maybe you're doing something a bit gray-area? and you can cross that bridge when you come to it? Real Hacking TM is way more of a pain-in-the-ass than doing CTFs and such, and you'll learn way more with the latter, so who cares lol just do the fun thing

20 notes · View notes

blazehedgehog · 4 years

Note

Everyone is seems to be talking to you on your opinions on the FF7 Remake. I barely know the FF series, TBH. However, going in a different direction, how would YOU change the original game to bring it to this day? Try not to consider the Remake, but the original game by itself. Always appreciate your stuff, Blaze! (Sorry for the poor english)

Well I hate to sound like a broken record, but I think the gold standard is Resident Evil. Both the original remake from the Gamecube era, and now Resident Evil 2.

Those remakes change a bunch of stuff! And add a lot of new content! Puzzle solutions are different, there’s new monsters to fight, they rework the layout of environments and add new areas to explore, and so on. In terms of Resident Evil 2, they also change up where some story beats go, like when you meet Robert Kendo or where Mr. X shows up.

But they keep it in the spirit of the original games. They say, “Here is what we were trying to do in 1998, but now better realized.” The shooting is better, the mechanics are tighter, the cutscenes are more cinematic and less goofy. But you can still point at them and say, “That’s Resident Evil.”

The problem is, after Final Fantasy 7, Square-Enix started experimenting wildly with what their RPGs are supposed to play like.

Like, Final Fantasy 8, right. They did away with weapon equips entirely. You have one sword for the entire game. Magic spells are now vacuumed up from special fountains or captured from enemies like Pokemon. There’s the overly complicated Guardian Force system with affinities and learned abilities and that whole mess.

Chrono Cross goes in the opposite direction and basically does away with experience points and leveling up. You only level up after bosses in that game, so you can’t ever be under-leveled for anything (but that means you also can’t be over-leveled for anything either, a key feature I like about JRPGs).

And it continued like that. Every new game felt like they were trying new ways to reinvent different wheels because they were out of ideas on how to improve the core turn based mechanics. So Final Fantasy mutated, and mutated, and mutated… until it’s become basically unrecognizable to me.

So what do you go back to? What has Final Fantasy ever been? Can it even be defined, outside of fashion model character designs and the vague concept of “swords?”

To be honest, I would have been fine if the Final Fantasy franchise had ended a long time ago. But I feel like, with the fact that none of the games have to be connected to each other, that gave Square-Enix a license to keep going well past the point of logic or sense. Anything can be a Final Fantasy now! Which also means Final Fantasy is nothing specific, not anymore.

If I were handling the remake, I’d use this as an opportunity to re-examine turn based combat and figure out what made it appealing. We’ve had a spate of games like that recently – again, we have Resident Evil. After Resident Evil 6 imploded for being too much of a summer blockbuster, Capcom was surprised by the sales of Resident Evil Remake HD, leading to Resident Evil 7 re-focusing on horror and giving us Resident Evil 2 Remake.

And then you have Doom 2016, which similarly backpedaled after Doom 3 went in a new direction.

“Back to basics” is in-vogue right now, so instead of pushing Final Fantasy 7 to conform to the example set by 15, we could go back and just give it a turn based battle system. You could say that “Final Fantasy 13 just had a turn based battle system, it wasn’t that long ago” – but you have to remember that FF13 released eleven years ago. It’s been a while.

If not that, if they’re really set on making it in to more of an action-based experience, then go all the way action. None of this “wait until your ATB meter fills up to access your inventory” weirdness. Making it this weird half-step between turn based and an action game is what bothers me the most right now, because it feels like the elements don’t fit together.

How you’d handle the story is a different subject, and one I haven’t thought about on a super deep level, because there’s a lot of story in FF7 to sift through and remember. But I can tell you right now I wouldn’t end it the way the current Final Fantasy 7 Remake ends, which is…

Lbh svtug gur tubfgyl ercerfragngvba bs “pnaba”, naq vgf qrsrng nyybjf Frcuvebgu gb yvgrenyyl erjevgr gur cybg sbe gur tnzr, naq va qbvat fb punatrf gur gvzryvar fb gung shgher ragevrf va gur Svany Snagnfl 7 Erznxr qb abg unir gb sbyybj gur bevtvany tnzr'f fgbel va nal jnl funcr be sbez. Nf va, gur ernfba vg'f pnyyrq “Svany Snagnfl 7 Erznxr” vf orpnhfr vg'f guebjvat bhg gur byq fgbel naq erznxvat vg gb or fbzrguvat ryfr. (spoilers, paste in to rot13.com to decode)

But really, my example is just “Do it like Resident Evil and Doom did it by making it like the old games, but still good.” I know that’s an incredibly basic appraisal, but that’s what I feel like. Because, like I said, what do you even go back to? Final Fantasy’s greatest consistency is its inconsistency. The primary thing it’s been good at… is that it hasn’t been good for me for a long time.

I just wish it was, and the FF7 Remake was a great chance for that to happen.

#questions #final fantasy vii remake #ff7 #square-enix #resident evil #doom #rot13 #Anonymous

12 notes · View notes

twitchesandstitches · 5 years

Text

I have an idea for two new factions to play parts as antagonists, but I need suggestions since I’m sort of operating a bit outside my usual series and I don’t want them to become like super over-saturated with just a few specific series.

Opening up suggestions for characters for two other factions, and I really would appreciate it if you send in suggestions ASAP!

First group is the Ringers, a warlike faction that’s intended to be a lot more morally darker than the Cobalts and serve as ideological opponents to the fleet, though they have some ulterior motives that make what they do reasonable, if not sympathetic at all. Their goal is to plunge the multiverse into endless war and conflict, in a fashion similar to Talon from Overwatch; they believe that warfare and conflict force people to evolve and become better people, and also seem to know something about an upcoming disaster or terrible shift in the multiverse that will make it necessary for people to be hardened in order to survive it.

Their overall themes include: Conflict Is Good, War as desirable or natural (with possible social darwinism), the craving of bloodshed and warfare in general, frowning upon idealism and notions of honor, building character through strife, and in terms of moral alignment, being a lighter shade of black; they’re not pure evil (for the most part, and those that are may be tolerated) and they’re better than the uncertain forces they have foreseen, but to those affected by their rampages and plots, but not by much.

Generally they go about stirring up conflict or engaging others in massive battles, attempting to attack people and force them to build alliances or exaggerate rivalries, and are usually plotting to find some relic or secret to do the one thing to make everyone start fighting.

Alternatively, they may be out to conquer the multiverse, or much of it as they can, in order to safeguard it from this unknown threat, and have a mentality that only they have the authority to do so and the will to do it. They may also have different sub-factions with different views, but in the end it comes down to the same methods.

I have some characters in mind, and may switch around others from various factions if they might fit better here, but i mainly need more Big Lady characters. Generally I would appreciate suggestions from some of the following fandoms: Marvel, Disney, DC, RPG-style games I can update for the setting, but I’m good for stuff I’m not familiar with. Just suggest whoever and I’ll see if they fit!

Some possible characters for this group of endless battle: Javik from Mass Effect, with elements of Doomfist from Overwatch (giant gauntlet that amplifies powers, the same motive, and goals). Azula from the Avatarverse, in full Evil Overlord lady mode, and perhaps Kuvira from Legend of Korra as a more straightforward warlord queen?

Airachnid from Transformers Prime, with characteristics of her IDW incarnation; less sadistic and more experiment-minded, and interested in psychological experiments on a vast scale. Also the Combaticons, all female here, as rough and tough soldiers that are like anti-Dinobots.

Maleficent from Disney, playing up her fae aspects to the full; she may have little interest in the actual purpose behind a multiverse of endless war, but is going with it for her own plans or amusement. Depends on how the Disney stuff interacts with this? She might be a dark goddess of magic backing them, too

The Condesce/Meenah Peixes, from Homestuck. In this continuity she was originally doing her endless war against all the multiverse in an attempt to build a homeland for the trolls, after their lost their homeworld of Beforus. After eons of endless war, she’s become incredibly bloodthirsty and perhaps a little addicted to slaughter, and may be losing track of her original goal in favor of slaking her bloodlust. (Alternatively, I may choose to put her into a criminal organization as part of the Midnight Crew and other groups that are criminals but not, y’know, total bastards. Depends on whether I want to play up her canon traits, or soften them.)

Ghazghkull Mag Uruk Thraka from Warhammer 40k: he’s the embodiment of ‘orcs as warlike brutes’, how could i not?? Maybe a girl version for Ork Amazon fun?

Yellow Diamond: I previously implied that she, White and Blue were captives of Megatron and mere jewelery for him, but I might have it that she has become freed and joined up with these guys, embittered and coming to believe in their cause, desperate as she is to save her people.

Hel from Marvel, but with more traits of her mythical inspiration (perhaps she shifts between two extremes, one cold but fair, the other rather playfully malicious and hungry for death), acting as a divine backer for them?

General demony characters associated with battle and warfare: no specifics here at the moment, but characters that fit this motif would be good

In general, blood knight-types, femme fatales that can be read as warriors, and anyone that has a big character emphasis on strength would fit well here!

The second faction is a variant on the Suicide Squad/TAsk Force X from DC; an elite group of agents working on behalf of mysterious benefactors. Their true numbers are in the millions, but this refers specifically to a squad that is a recurring set of characters. They are not normally antagonistic, though their goals may bring them into conflict with the Fleet, and certainly they don't like the militant guys up there and the Cobalts fight with them….. A Lot.

This task force consists exclusively of anti-heroes, reformed villains, and characters who were once straight up pure bad but have since reformed. They are people looking for a chance to find a new life, atone for their misdeeds, or simply are looking for a better cause and were never bad to begin with.

They are run by Amanda Waller of DC, who may either be part of, or answer to, a governing assembly of big multiversal figures trying to bring some stability to the cosmos. They might also have divine backing; some of their agents are people who are definitely dead, but are still looking for a second chance.

Some possible members:

Reaper/Gabriel Reyes from Overwatch, playing up both his ghostly qualities and the idea that he is a double agent. Most likely the leader and role model for them, and is a straight up ‘anti hero that kills bad guys who deserve it’ character here, rather than the vengeful wraith he is in canon at present.

Blue Diamond: Assuming that its the same case with Yellow, she’s come to regret what she has enabled over the eons and come to conclude that Pink/Rose Quartz had been right all along. Note that her true form is likely planet-sized here. A good chunk of her loyal gems may attend as the squad’s brute muscle.

Shockwave: From Cybertron, mostly using his IDW characterization. Specifically, this is Senator Shockwave. Once this famously cold, heartless and logical ‘Con was a hopeful idealist until the corrupt leaders of his homeworld took his face, his hands, and his ability to feel anything but cold logic. Following recent events, though, his mind has been freed, and he is in shock at millions of years of horrifying cruelty, and he would like nothing better than tho put his scientific acumen to work helping the multiverse.

Bucky Barnes/The White Wolf: He’s Wallers’ attendant, representative in the squad, and something of a political officer, muddled by his tendency to be everyone’s obnoxious brother.

Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy: A two-for-one deal, both of them usually giant ladies or even a full on fusion, and their canon tendency to become better people by being around each other has blossomed into full on attempts to go Good. Harley’s actual job is to be an on-team psychiatrist, while Ivy has transformed into a full on plant monster lady who sees it as her job to restore devastated worlds to full health again.

Lust, from Fullmetal Alchemist. Honestly undecided if she belongs here or with the warmonger faction; either way, she is mostly akin to the canon Lust from the manga and Brotherhood, but with the motivations of her first anime counterpart. Big, busty and largely embodying bloodlust, she has somehow incorporated most of her fellow homunculi and gained their powers, most obviously Pride and Gluttony, becoming absolutely ravenous and death to all that face her, and she is called in to devour entire planets and absorb their souls if there is no other way to save them from otherwise certain doom. They can then be extracted from her and given new bodies at some later date.

Giganta, from DC. Drawing on the more benign or ‘hey, being a baddie is just a job, y’know?’ takes of her. With a bit of the friendly valley girl vibes she had in the DCU!

Slade Wilson/Deathstroke and DEadpool: Considered as one unit here because this version of Deadpool is a flawed clone of Slade, who was a highly skilled super soldier for hire. The squad dealt with Deadpool’s frustrated actions his makers forced him to do, and subsequently recruited both Slade and Deadpool into their ranks, with the latter being treated as an obnoxious little brother to Slade. This Slade is heavily based on his Arrowverse actor, and Deadpool looks like a melted version thereof.

Any additional characters are, again, highly encouraged! Generally I’m looking for characters who were anti-heroes or reluctant villains at best (think Mr. Freeze types; ones that felt they had no choice and they made you REAl SAD) or you could see them regretting what they did and wanting to atone for it.

Generally speaking, these guys aren’t antagonists except in the most genuine sense; they might have opposing goals to the fleet, but they are more likely allies than not. Occasionally their purposes might run counter and a fight starts, and they should ideally be so skilled as to pose a serious threat to even the most extreme numbers.

I’m rather lacking in Sexy Lady-Types for this faction, so I especially welcome suggestions on that score. Send ‘em in, please!

#/#//#///#////#/////#crossthicc AU #this was originally drafted before i fully realized the first of these factions #so some of this is a bit outdated

3 notes · View notes

deebormzone · 7 years

Text

Klingdom Harps 3: Who’s the (Secret) Boss?

Sorry I haven’t written much lately. I recently got the standard English major’s retail job, which sucks away most of my energy. I gotta toughen up so I can produce more insightful content, like this:

I like Kingdom Hearts a lot because it lets me jump and fight and also my friend Jafar is there.

The big KH news, which is a couple months old by now, is that Kingdom Hearts 3 finally has a vaguely estimated release window: 2018. Now I can worry less about whether it will really come out, and more about how much of it will be DLC.

Besides DLC, series creator Nomura has also spoken about the now-traditional secret boss battle. In other Kingdom Hearts titles, there are one or more optional fights, designed to be the most difficult encounters in the game. They’re usually Sephiroth.

In terms of the secret boss, we can’t say anything at this time, but in terms of Sephiroth specifically, my development team are worried that we’ve had him come back so many times so they’re maybe worried it might be redundant at this point. We’re still deliberating on it.

I'm with the development team here. There’s room for more than just Sephy. But assuming they do put a secret boss in KH3 (and since the other big KH games have had secret bosses, excluding one from the biggest Hearts yet would be pretty shameful), who could compete with everyone’s favorite silver-haired genetic abomination?

There are actually a few good options. Here are some dudes I’d like to face in Kingdom Hearts 3 as an uberboss, loosely arranged from least cool to most cool. The only real requirement is that they be either Square Enix or Disney characters.

Crystal Enthusiast: Culex

Culex is a secret boss already! He’s from Super Mario RPG, but designed to look and act like a Final Fantasy boss. It’s implied that he crossed over from the Final Fantasy series to look for strong opponents. I don’t know why he would go looking in the Mushroom Kingdom, but I guess it worked out for him.

With his dimension-hopping and challenge-seeking, Culex would be a good fit for Kingdom Hearts secret boss. This is basically a pipe dream, though. Since he’s actually from a Mario game, it’s pretty unlikely he’d be allowed in. It may be his fate to languish in Mario Land for all eternity...

Principal Samurai: Master Eraqus

Eraqus was a major character in the Kingdom Hearts prequel, Birth by Sleep. He used to teach the protagonists how to use their Keyblades properly. Most of his lessons seem to involve hitting things, but that does tend to build experience in every game in the whole series. Go with what works, I guess.

Of course, he had an unfortunate accident, but that doesn’t prevent him from being a boss. Just call him “Lingering Spirit” or whatever. He’s probably the most likely person on this list to actually appear as a superboss, if he doesn’t show up in Kingdom Hearts 3 in some other form.

But despite being fairly important, his fighting style is sort of basic. He’s got a couple of big moves, but not much else. And even though I usually struggle against him in Birth by Sleep, he’s not that tough canonically. There may be better options.

Evillest Clown: Kefka

Ah, Kefka. He’s the boss of Final Fantasy 6, the clown who usually takes second place on the Final Fantasy villain lists... and sometimes first. This makes him a natural choice for Square Enix superboss if Sephiroth isn’t around.

I’m always down to clown. Kefka’s a manic, psychotic sociopath, which is often more fun to play with than your usual uptight or brooding villain. His fighting style in Dissidia, the Final Fantasy fighting game, is to annoy his enemy to death. Notable achievements of his include blowing up the world and becoming God, making him significantly more successful than your average antagonist. No worries about an underpowered foe here, though I’d rather fight his clown form than his purple angel form.

Somehow, though, I don’t see him getting in. Final Fantasy 6 has had almost no representation in Kingdom Hearts thus far. Is that game even still popular?

That, and the wacky clown personality doesn’t go over well with everyone. It might not fit the “epic boss battle” they’re planning. Shame.

Fallen Mascot: Oswald

I always love the Disney-based antagonists, but it’s hard to pick a definitive one. Maleficent usually takes the lead in villain meetups, but she’s not secret enough to be a secret boss. Is there anyone good left from the House of Mouse, besides maybe Walt himself?

There are plenty of great Disney villains who haven’t shown up yet. Dr. Facilier would fit right in with his control of dark magic. Yzma’s alchemy and sorcery could make for an excellent boss battle. Madam Mim’s shapeshifting could be an intense multi-stage fight. Turbo would jump at the chance to dominate another video game. Hell, they should put Cruella de Vil in the game just because.

The trouble with all of these is that they’re all single-world threats. They don’t hit hard enough to match up to, you know, Sephiroth.

There’s another option, though. Oswald the Lucky Rabbit was Walt Disney’s first animated character, but he took a backseat to now-international-icon Mickey Mouse. Sometimes, though, he reemerges - most recently as a dark version of Mickey in the Epic Mickey series.

In Kingdom Hearts, Mickey is (hilariously) a messiah-like hero of light, so Oswald could conceivably be a reverse version. A cartoony Keyblade wielder with dark versions of Mickey’s god-powers. He’s got the prestige and the lore. Why not take him on?

Of course, the same issue that applies to Kefka affects Oswald: he’s innately goofy, which might damage the brooding, trenchcoat image of a secret ultimate boss. Of course, what with Gruff Mickey as he appears in Kingdom Hearts, maybe they’d make Oswald edgy enough to fit. Somehow.

Numberwang: Sho Minamimoto

Here’s one of Nomura’s creations who could use some more time in the spotlight. Minamimoto is a villain in The World Ends With You, a Reaper who hounds the characters. He’s known for making big piles of garbage and shouting mathematical functions at people (“Sine, cosine, tangent!”). Basically, a flawless character.

The protagonists from his game appeared in the most recent Kingdom Hearts as major players, so there’s some small precedent. Also, he turns into a demigod or something by the end of the game, so he’s probably strong enough.

There are a couple of other characters from The World Ends With You who could work here. First is Joshua, but he’s been in Kingdom Hearts already. Next is the actual TWEWY antagonist, but he’s kind of forgettable. There’s also a secret boss in TWEWY who could show up, but he’s only intimidating because you spent the whole game talking to him and assuming his unimportance.

No, the reason I went straight for Sho is because he’s a certified memer. Don’t underestimate that meme magic. I don’t remember much about the main bosses of TWEWY, but I absolutely remember Shouting Math Guy, and being memorable is what counts in a super-secret ultimate boss fight.

Sadly, this is just grasping at straws. In the end, Minamimoto is a little guy from a little game - on a Nintendo console, even. But you know what they say: a dream is a wish your heart makes.

Burn Victim: Darth Vader

Yeah, I went there. Star Wars is Disney now, and all bets are off. Up is down, black is white, the Jedi are evil.

I’ve seen a lot of comments online about how terrible it would be if Star Wars or Marvel got into Kingdom Hearts, but I just can’t understand them. The whole point of this franchise, besides making big buckets of money, is to rampage across a huge range of wacky environments. Adding Star Wars would be super wacky AND good for more money buckets, so they should do it the moment they get the chance. It’s as simple as that.

Let me address Marvel Comics for a moment. There are a number of villains from that universe who could appear in Kingdom Hearts as superbosses, but they don’t appeal to me very much. A comics expert probably has better opinions than I do, but the bad dudes powerful enough to show up seem kind of dull to me, and the interesting ones are too weak.

Planet-eating Galactus would be a good fit for Kingdom Hearts, but what does the big guy even do? Generic lasers and large hand slap? Doctor Doom is a classic, but when he fights mano a mano it ends up being tiny guns and foot dive. M.O.D.O.K.? A true role model and friend to all, but too weak. Magneto is the best cross between power and panache I can think of from Marvel, but beating up a Holocaust survivor probably crosses a few too many lines, even for Kingdom Hearts.

Despite my complaints, I’d be okay with just about anything from Marvel or Star Wars in the Kingdom of Heart. The wackier, the better, I always say. Still, my dreams of wackiness will likely go unfulfilled. The odds of getting any of that stuff in is pretty low at the moment. But what if there’s just enough influence to take just one piece of Star Wars into Kingdom Hearts? One character, for one fight, harder than any other?

Right off the bat, Vader commands more respect than Sephiroth. A lot more. Here’s a character everyone knows, one of the most infamous villains of all time. He fits the role of ultimate boss extremely well. He’s proficient in one-on-one combat, he’s filled with mystic powers, his saber fighting could lead to great Keyblade clashes, and he generally fits the light vs. darkness themes of Kingdom Hearts.

Beyond the Lucasfilm fees, though, there’s one other issue. His live-action-movie fighting style might not translate well to Kingdom Hearts’ hopping-around-and-exploding-into-beams-of-light fighting style. The game might actually be too goofy for Lord Vader. Maybe not, seeing as how Keyblade Dude Sora has faced off against live-action people before (Pirates of the Carribean and Tron), but the incongruity might be too much for the lawyers, if not the players.

There’s just one name left on my wishlist.

No, Darth Vader isn’t final enough to take the top spot. He’s a lousy dad.

My most wanted superboss candidate can only be THE #1 dad of all time.

The Best: Jecht

Jecht is like if sports became a human being. All he does is play ball, go on adventures, and insult his son. He’s perfect.

He stands alongside Sephiroth and Kefka as the more-or-less final boss of Final Fantasy X. There’s already a lot of X representation in Kingdom Hearts - Tidas is in, Wakka is in, Auron is in, YuRiPa is in. Adding the big man himself wouldn’t be much of a stretch. Plus, Jecht’s natural habitat is the stadium, which is where secret optional bosses are often fought.

This is the guy I want to fight as the secret boss. He’s a being of near-godlike power, and is also a dumb asshole who throws a ball at your head while calling you a wimp. He’s got the strength, and the pedigree as the boss of one of the most beloved Final Fantasies. No licencing issues, no nothing. His favorite prey is lame kids, and that’s basically main character Sora in a nutshell.

Best of all, though, is his fight song “Otherworld”, which (if you for some reason prefer not to hear its glory) is just a guy screaming over guitars. It tries so hard, it’s unbearably stupid. But then it tries even harder and loops back around to being really funny, and then loops some more until it’s actually a nice jam.

That closes out my list of potential secret bosses for Kingdom Hearts 3, but there are plenty of options I didn’t cover. In the end, I’ll be happy with any fight that’s fun and has a lot of exploding light particles. With luck, we might even get multiple secret bosses! It’s happened before.

Deeborm signing off for now. Here’s hoping Kingdom Hearts 3 will be worth the wait.

... but it will probably just be Sephiroth again.

#Kingdom Hearts #Kingdom Hearts 3 #I want to fight Edgar from The Aristocats

8 notes · View notes