#liz gets sent random recordings whether she likes it or not | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thecreativeangel · 6 years

Text

aut neca aut necare: IV

Peter Parker x Fem!Reader

*Please don’t plagiarize my work, thank you :3*

Summary: Peter hasn’t been talking to you for two weeks now, which is cool. It’s all good. He’s only your best friend of like seven years. No biggie.

Warnings: Peter kinda being a shady bitch. The angst begins. Reader is becoming e d g y

Words: 2.3k

Previous Chapter Next Chapter

The weeks were passing too quickly. You’d hoped that Peter would interact even a little, to slow down time like he did when it was just the two of you in his living room, watching old cartoons on a Sunday. Classes with him were the same as classes without him; boring, dreary, etcetera. Peter had little intention of talking with you. Or Ned, apparently, because Ned would follow him everywhere in a desperate attempt to gain his attention. You were alone. It made you guilty, that the mention of Ned’s name caused a bitter pang in your chest. Ned didn’t try to avoid you like Peter seemingly did.

“It’s the most annoying book I’ve ever read,” MJ complained, The Pearl by Steinbeck resting on her lap. Peter didn’t look up from his computer, merely humming to signify he was listening. MJ sent Peter a withering look which he’d see if he looked away from the damn computer. She turned back to you and shrugged. “I mean, let’s say we ignore the shit descriptions. Kino is such a conceited prick. He treats his wife like shit for trying to advise him. Actually, now that I think about it, Juana reminds me of that hero chick who the New York Times likes to bash.”

You felt Peter stiffen in his seat and chose to ignore him like he was you. “Okay Michelle I know that you know her name-”

“Yeah, it’s a stupid name-”

“I mean the people started calling her that, so blame them.”

“It’s a makeup brand!”

“-and did you just use John Steinbeck to suddenly shift conversation to Nyx?”

She sniffed daintily, tugging at one of her baby hairs. “And if I did?”

You laughed at her fake nonchalant attitude. “Oh my god Michelle.”

“Right, let’s see what people think,” she roughly shoved Peter’s shoulder, making him release a high pitched yelp that resounded throughout study hall. “Parker, what d’you think about Nyx. She’s cool and all, but the name. It’s dumb.”

“I don’t get why you like her so much,” Peter said gruffly. “Haven’t you read the New Yo-”

You interrupted him. “We’ve seen that thing. MJ says it’s bull and I believe her. Don’t you think that Ritter guy sounds a bit biased?”

“Maybe, but what he writes is true,” Peter said. He focused back on his computer, typing as he talked. “She robbed a store on Fifth Avenue…”

I didn’t rob it, You thought, deflating slightly. I STOPPED a robbery, then put most of it back. Stupid cameras caught me with ONE watch and reporters ignore the actual robber completely. AND WHO ROBS VERSACE? Walk a bit and you’ll get to Tiffany and Co.!

“...and the United Nations Headquarters!” Peter exclaimed, shocking you out of your thoughts.

“No one saw her sneak in.” MJ noted, confused at why Peter was suddenly so against Nyx. Her eyebrows furrowed slightly.

“Wait hold up,” you broke in, feeling your palms become sweaty. “W-what happened at the U.N.?”

“Nyx stole from the U.N.’s library,” Peter explained patiently. “She took something from the historical sciences section. No one knows what it is yet, but they think it’s a record of ancient power sources. Prehistoric relics. What old civilizations worshipped. Supposedly it’s from before people knew what a god was, so it’s kind of a big deal.”

You wiped your hands on your jeans and tore the laptop from his hands before he could protest. Of course, as soon as you started typing “UN” the autosearches read “UN headquarters broken into”, “UN delegates can’t work anymore?”, “UN building in shut down”. You clicked on a random article and sure enough, there were shaky pictures of the glass library, dark blue smoke leaking from its open doors. But it wasn’t your smoke; Nyx hadn't entered the building at all. You’d been framed.

“Is there any video?” you asked, praying the squeak in your voice wasn’t audible.

“No,” Peter replied, taking his computer back rather forcefully. “But I’m sure it’s Nyx. I mean, blue smoke? She’s been getting more careless and this was her breaking point, her greatest achievement so far- Or maybe she’s innocent. Dunno, I’ve been watching Shane Dawson.”

Shane Dawson made a conspiracy theory about me? Should I be honored or… Your fingers gripped the armrests to the point that your knuckles were beginning to sting. That night you’d gone out angry; Mum wasn’t calling back, and her assistant left an unpleasant voicemail. You forgot to buy food after hours of homework and ate at Seven Eleven. Not your most dignified moment. So when your silver wristlet began to vibrate, projecting an image of those suspicious trucks moving out of New Jersey for the first time in weeks-

You flew to their location.

The “mission”, distraction, whatever it was- failed. You felt even worse after, coming back into the empty apartment at 2 a.m.

“Kim doesn’t like her either,” Peter said offhandedly. “Been really quiet about the explosion at Stark Labs, but she says she’ll tell me why soon. She hates talking about Mr. Stark. I just wanna be there for her, y’know? No one deserves to be alone like she was.”

Your insides felt like liquid nitrogen, so cold they were scorching. “You’re acting like an idiot.”

Peter frowned, his eyes searching yours. “What?”

“I get that you like her, and that's cool, but it’s getting sad,” you deadpanned, drawing your gaze down to the messages poorly carved into the table (even fancy schools had idiots who got bored). “Why’re you so obsessed with her when you won’t even ask her out? S’ not like she’s interested in you.”

MJ’s snapped up, ridiculously wide. She hastily picked up The Pearl from her lap and practically shoved her nose into the pages, hiding from the conversation. The words left your mouth a grumbled and bunched together, but Peter heard everything. His gaze on you was steely.

“We’re dating,” he said tonelessly, another blaring warning you missed. “Kim asked me out a month ago.”

“Oh.” you managed weakly.

There were several seconds of painfully awkward silence before you snapped, mumbling “It’s not like I’d know that.” under your breath. You pouted slightly, probably acting like a complete child.

“W-what do you mean ‘you wouldn’t know that’,” Peter mused, throwing his hands up. “I told you last week.”

“That’s a lie,” you retaliated. “I’ve barely talked to you this month! So-rry for not wanting to intrude on your little fantasy when she’s around.”

“Why are you like this?” Peter asked honestly. His normally serene expression turned to a scowl. “The moment I get over Liz- Actually no, you’ve been weird all year!”

“I’ve- I'm not acting weird- and you, that's- don't even have the right to say th-” MJ looked over her book so only her eyes showed and shook her head. You faltered. Have I been acting differently? Has everyone else noticed?

“Whatever. Nothing's wrong. It's just puberty or something.”

Peter watched you wearily, scanning for something. “Good. Awesome. Now could you please be quiet?”

“So you can finish your little article about Nyx?” you scoffed, rolling your eyes. “You’re just salty that Spiderman, everyone's favorite hero used to be friends with her.”

Peter flushed pink. “I’m talking to Kim about it, not writing an article.”

“Bet you’re gushing about how Nyx deserves to be put to death sentence.” you said. “Since you suddenly hate her so much. For no reason.”

“For good reason, but you’re too in love with her to see it. Look, I’m sure Spiderman will catch her soon,” Peter said through gritted teeth. MJ sunk down in her chair, shielding herself from the argument. You didn’t know if anyone was listening in, but you were too angry to care. “And when he does she’ll confess, and this will all be over.”

“Catch her? They’re partners!”

“D’you- d’you actually Spiderman would be partners with a criminal?”

You wrinkled your nose at him, suppressing a cynical laugh. “Spiderman used to be a criminal! ‘Member when he cut Staten Island Ferry in half?”

Peter seemed pissed off by this, and you wondered why he idolized Spiderman so much. “He wasn’t a criminal! He helped people!”

Your fists clenched under the table, hearing the light overhead start to buzz, the glass cracking. Magic crackled quietly around your wrists like sparks electricity. “There is no proof that Nyx stole from the U.N.-”

“Well, yes, there is,” Peter pressed. “How can’t you see it? No one else leaves blue smoke besides her! I think Nyx should be sent to jail, because that’s where criminals go.”

Jail. That’s not too bad. Jail might have decent food. “At least you don’t want her killed.”

“Depends,” Peter said airily. “On whether she hurts Kim again.”

He didn’t bother to add “Oh, and you, Ned, Michelle…and May of course. Y’know. My blood relative who I very much love, Aunt May.” Nope, it was just Kimberly. Kimberly, Kimberly, Kimberly. You tried to sympathize with him, really you did, but this young love bullshit was irritating. Besides, your young love wasn’t going too well.

“Psh, so what would you do?” you asked. “Go to your damn internship and tattle to Spiderman? Have him hunt Nyx?”

There was a sense of disbelief in your words, but Peter’s gaze remained set. His brown doe eyes gleamed with determination and protectiveness. None of it was for you.

“If I have to,” he shrugged. “Yeah.”

So in other words, you’d do anything for her, you thought sourly. Ouch. That hurts a bit. Peter dropped the solemn face so quickly you wondered if he ever looked solemn at all. Might have been a figment of your imagination, just trying to get you to be angry with him. He sent you a lopsided, innocent smile that made your blood boil. You didn’t know why, didn’t want to know why, but at this moment he had no right to go back to his cheerful state. Not after saying those things.

You looked back down at your black jeans and picked at a loose seam. The way he looked when he spoke about Kim… The chivalry, warmth and protective nature. Seven years you and him had been best friends, and he never looked at you that way. Not when you were pushed into mulch by a bully in 5th grade, or when you were harassed by 15 people in 7th, or when a girl had the audacity to call you a prude bitch in 9th. (Apparently you were a prude for admitting that you’d never been kissed, but joke’s on her. It’s junior year and you still haven’t been kissed, so… That’s depressing.)

Your thoughts strayed, but there was one common observation: Peter liked you, cared for you, grew up with you, but he’d never look at you with as much adoration as he did to Kimberly. But it’s worse than that, isn’t it... You dug your fingers into your thighs. No matter how close I am with Peter, he’d always choose her over me. Fuelled by venomous thoughts, you spoke before thinking.

“God, why do you hate her so much?” you huffed. “It’s like she’s the one who killed your parents.”

MJ almost fell over as she shot up, grabbed everything she could and sped out of study hall. Your eyes shot open at your own statement, heart starting to beat frantically. Shit, why did I say that?! Peter’s head jerked up, staring at you. You didn’t want to describe what flashed across his face, didn’t want to keep looking at him. You wished you could slap yourself so hard it reversed time and that slip-up never happened but your gaze was locked with Peter’s, and neither party was backing down.

When he spoke, his voice was barely above a whisper. “Take it back.”

You didn’t blink. “Peter.”

“Take. It. Back.”

“I’m sorry,” you breathed, hating the way your words sounded; like a strangled, dehydrated cat. “Peter, it slipped-”

He only looked at you, jaw clenched so hard you could see the muscles twitching. Your eyes began to sting, feeling the pressured need to cry build up beneath your eyeballs. “Peter I said I w-”

“Fuck you.” he spat.

That single, short sentence was enough to make you clamp your mouth shut. It was two words dripping poison onto your body, melting skin wherever drops landed. He stood up, shoved his books into his backpack so fast his hands seemed to blur and before you could even move he disappeared through the door, heavy footsteps slowly fading away.

You were still sitting, holding your knees which were exposed because of the ripped jeans, hands shaking and staring at at the door through which he left. Even if the entirety of study hall knew how badly you just fucked up with your best friend, you didn’t care. Judging from how quiet everyone suddenly was, they all knew anyway. But you stayed perfectly still, shoulders tense, clutching your knees until your nails made little semi-circles appear. Soon, they broke the skin and tiny dots of blood surfaced, and you still didn’t move. Your chest moved in fast, small movements, like an animal that was being hunted.

When the embarrassment of your actions finally reached your fogged up mind, you frantically shoveled books into your backpack and fled the room with your head down. A few drops of red ran down from the aching cuts in your exposed knees and disappeared into the black fabric of your jeans. They hurt. You deserved it.

I messed up, I messed up, I messed up, I messed up, I m-

Authors Note: Sorry ‘bout not posting, but depression just kicked in like a motherfucker and I needed time to get used to the feeling. There’s also some stuff about my summer credit course, that gets in the way too. Hope people still care to read this. Byee-

Tags List: @4-a-m, @miss-glitch, @runs-with-sciss0rs, @lubrielx, @reddiesteddiespaghetti, @wheezygreens, @everythingthatisrandom, @mcheung0314,

118 notes · View notes

wigwurq · 7 years

Text

WIG REVIEW: TWIN PEAKS - THE RETURN

The awful wigs you like are going to come back in style this summer! Twin Peaks, land of mighty good coffee and awful awful wigs are back, and with them some new bad wigs that we waited 25 years for!

As there are 18 episodes, I will be updating this post as new episodes air (and adjusting if the show’s wigs wurq as a whole or not). Now let’s journey back to the Black Lodge and discuss:

EPISODE 1

Good Dale is still stuck in the Black Lodge, while Bad Dale is driving a fancy car, hanging with teenage randos, and having a party in the front (and back!) with the worst male wig this side of John Travolta’s everyday life.

This wig is the kind of thing you’d pick up at Ricky’s to be a shaggy vampire for Halloween. OOF. The only thing more disturbing than the wig, is of course Special Agent Dale Cooper’s crispy tan which is the second most disturbing tan by an evil dude on tv (Trump's still #1).

However, Bad Dale’s new life did lead us to the clear star of the show: BEULLA! Glamour, fashion, and beauty wrapped into one.

Elsewhere in non-wig storylines, some random teenager in NYC is getting it on with Grace from The Nanny and getting mauled to death by glass box ghosts (YOU HAD ONE JOB TO DO, IDIOT!), some nosy neighbor in South Dakota is implicating Matthew Lillard in a librarian murder, Ashley Judd is helping Tony from West Side Story run the Great Northern and Dr. Jacoby is serving double sunglass reveals while getting some sweet new shovels. Obvs? Meanwhile, the Log Lady, now the victim of female hair loss, decides to get on the horn about Dale Cooper. I have to say, this might be the one wig that wurqs in the episode and it’s not technically a wig but a baldcap with some wisps on it. Still, carry on Log Lady - please never change no matter how much hair you lose. Your Sally Jessy Raphael eyewear is still everything.

The recipient of the Log Lady’s call is none other than Hawk, the most credible member of the Twin Peak’s sheriff service. Michael Horse’s glorious locks are obviously not a wig but let us all luxuriate in them regardless. And let us NOT miss Michael Ontkean who showed his homophobic truth by trying to block his gay movie Making Love from being a part of the documentary masterpiece The Celluloid Closet. SASHAY AWAY FOREVER!

EPISODE 2

This episode doesn’t offer us much more in the way of wigs, but we do get far more intimate with Bad Dale’s awful wig.

This look is decidedly tan Glenn Danzig all the way.

The most upsetting reveal about this wig is that it has a half ponytail involved. NO THANK YOU.

Back in the Black Lodge, Good Dale meets up with old friends Leland, Mike, and Laura Palmer herself - none of which are wearing wigs and none of which seem to have aged at all (though Laura is moonlighting as a lamp so maybe that’s why). Good Dale also meets up with a wise Tim Burton tree who explains that Bad Dale has to come back to the Black Lodge in order for Good Dale to leave. Seems legit, but unfortunately Bad Dale is busy murdering his girlfriend.

Sorry, gurl.

We end the episode at the roadhouse where an ubercool indie band is playing for some reason. The lead singer has a pretty wiggy look but all signs point to a dye job.

We also see the triumphant return of Sherry, whose (wigless) salty mom posse involves none other than Gia Carides, aka LIZ EFFING HOLT FROM STRICTLY BALLROOM! YAYS! CAN I DRINK WITH YOU GUYS?

EPISODE 3

We begin with Good Dale shape shifting through space, meeting a nice lady with no eyes who falls into the void and another lady who points us in the direction of a steampunk electrical plug to the outside world. But do we want to go out there?

We soon discover that the “real world” involves another Cooper doppelganger - Nevada’s own Dougie - who wears a mustard-colored blazer, knows a nice prostitute, vomits creamed corn, and has a terrible wig.

Seriously, I don’t know if the wig budget on this show was given to eye-covering prosthetics or what but clearly they skimped on the wigs. Just seriously depressing stuff - I’ve seen more believably realistic wigs in haunted houses. Speaking of haunted houses, Dougie gets whisked into the Black Lodge and implodes into a sea of black smoke (I finally understand Lost?) Regardless, bye bye, terrible wig!

Elsewhere, Bad Dale and his bad wig are trying not to barf their way back to the Black Lodge while living through the worst Lincoln commercial ever. It’s unclear where Bad Dale ended up, but Good Dale shapeshifts his way back into Dougie’s life - for better or worse?

Finally, Hawk gives us the best “do not disturb” sign ever (donut disturb 4evr) while he and his luscious locks try to run the Twin Peaks sheriff’s department basically with absolutely no help from anyone else. Ok maybe the donuts helped.

EPISODE 4

Good Dale Cooper is living his life as Dougie Jones, whose son is future/current(?) cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones. Cooper is learning to do everything again, from dressing himself to drinking coffee while assisted by frazzled wife, Naomi Watts. Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper has been discovered covered in creamed corn in South Dakota and his old boss, Gordon Cole (as played by David Lynch) has to look into the matter, but not without an assist from everyone’s favorite trans FBI agent, Denise Bryson.

Denise, like a fine wine, has aged well. As strong and confident as ever, and looking damn fierce.

Compared to the wig David Duchovny wore in the original series, this wig is a serious upgrade. Defrizzed and oh so quaffed, it’s a dignified thing of beauty.

We do get into a grey area here, wig-wise, however. It has been my intent on this blog to never review wigs that we know as an audience to be wigs (thus why I sadly never review RuPaul’s Drag Race). Denise’s wig in the original series was definitely a wig within the narrative of the show, since Denise (nee Dennis) had only recently come to the conclusion that he was trans and started donning a wig and dressing as a woman.

25 years later, who is to say if Denise is wearing a wig or if we are to believe that this is supposed to be her own hair? Far be it for us to tell Denise what to do with her coiffure so it becomes difficult to judge this as a wig or not. If we are supposed to believe it is a wig, then yes - it’s a good wig within the narrative! If we are supposed to believe it is hair...well it’s not perfect. It certainly looks like a wig, albeit a good wig. As I’ve said time and time again, only if a wig looks like real hair does it truly wurq.

Still, as a character, Denise WURQS so amen to her regardless.

And can I get an amen for Wally Brando? Wigless though he may be, he is a the only possible child of Andy and Lucy. May your shadow always be with us.

EPISODE 5

We begin this episode as Good Dale Cooper tries to navigate the world in the body of Dougie Jones. For some reason, no one is bothered by the fact that Dougie is basically a walking zombie, from his frazzled wife to all of his coworkers.

Just a guy super stoked for coffee with little ability to function in society - nothing to see here!

Back in Twin Peaks, a wigless Shelly and Norma are looking FINE AS HELL and seem to not have aged a day.

Also Shelly’s daughter (perfectly cast as Amanda Seyfried) has an asshole boyfriend (as played by the asshole brother from Get Out, who is really making a name for himself in the world of asshole characters).

Oh and obviously, Dr. Jacoby runs an extreme lefty webseries out of his cabin, and whose #1 fan is obviously Nadine:

Who is still lookin’ like the spectacular nutbar we all love.

The only wig of the week is the nightmare on top of Bad Dale’s head. Even behind bars, this wig is wreaking havoc much in the way Bad Dale is hisself! Nope.

EPISODE 6

Most of this episode concerns itself with the increasingly poor decisions of Dougie Jones and with every misadventure, I just long for Good Dale Cooper to wake the hell up! We are also introduced to a slew of new characters. Twin Peaks is truly beginning to get as sweaty with characters as Game of Thrones and winter is friggin’ coming.

We meet Bathazar Getty, whose early career was spent being an off-brand Liev Schreiber and who has somehow morphed into an off-brand Henry Rollins. He played some coin magic on off-brand young Nicolas Cage (who is in a dead heat for worst Twin Peaks character with Deputy Chad).

We also revisit our favorite trailer park manager, Harry Dean Stanton, who is an ageless angel.

The only wig this week comes in the form of a lounge lizard played by none other than Laura Dern.

We are only given one scene with this wig so I don’t have the information necessary to review it properly. In other words - if this wig is supposed to be real hair, it is obviously terrible. But if it is supposed to be a wig as I suspect since David Lynch lounge lizards are usually wig-wearers (see: Isabella Rossellini in Blue Velvet), then whatever - you do you, Laura Dern!

(And you always do.)

EPISODE 7

Ugh, wake up Good Dale Cooper! The boring misadventures of Dougie Jones continue in this episode, though he does disarm a little person assassin “like a cobra” so I guess this is progress.

Meanwhile, Gordon Cole visits Diane and we don’t get much more information about her or her wig. Though Diane in general is a mystery. Throughout the original series, she was a faceless secretary that Dale sent daily messages to. Now, whether or not she is trying to pass this platinum wig off as real hair remains the #1 mystery of Twin Peaks. But I’m guessing it’s a wig (within the narrative of Twin Peaks) so whatever. It’s a bad wig allowed to be bad.

Though now that we have seen her retro cool apartment, I think I know Diane’s backstory:

She’s obviously a latter-day Iona (from Pretty in Pink) who, rather than dating a yuppie (yuck!) decides to take a secretarial job for the FBI while the record store industry dwindled in the early 90s, stopped hanging out exclusively with teenagers, and started calling herself Diane. MAKES PERFECT SENSE.

Both chicks have an affinity for platinum wigs, apartments with Atomic/kitschy details, and DRAMA. Well that’s one mystery solved! You’re welcome, internet. #prettyinpeaks

Anyhoo, Diane (nee Iona) visits Bad Dale in the clink and it was a regular wigout party of nonsense.

I feel like when two bad wigs meet like this, something meaningful should happen, like the Black Lodge imploding or getting to spend more than 5 minutes with any of the original characters.

Instead, we are gifted like 20 minutes of Ashley Judd (bless her, but STILL) following a mysterious sound around the Great Northern. And seeing the roadhouse being swept for what must have been 3 hours.

We end with Bad Dale getting sprung from the clink by uttering the magic word: STRAWBERRY! Not to be confused with Carol Channing’s magic word, RASPBERRY. Watch out, world: Bad Dale and his bad wig are on the loose!

EPISODE 8

We have so many questions going into this episode, but before any of them can be answered, we have to hear from THE Nine in Nails! The dream of the nineties is alive in Twin Peaks, and this part was a damn nightmare. NEXT!

Bad Dale Cooper, fresh from being sprung from jail, gets shot down by his partner in crime. Is this the last we will FINALLY see of him and his horrendous wig? Probably not, because some ash covered garbage people come over and seem to revive them. Who are these ashy garbage dudes? For answers, we (OBVIOUSLY) travel to B&W New Mexico in 1945.

There, an atomic bomb gives life to these soot monsters, a bug/frog combo, and, of course, BOB!

Meanwhile, in what might (?) be the same steampunk universe where that eyeless lady that Good Cooper encountered that eyeless chick back in Episode 3, our favorite friendly giant and some chick with some serious costume jewelry and eyebrow tweezers watch these ashy garbage dudes and then are gifted a golden blob with the face of Laura Palmer on it.

IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! J/k j/k I have no idea what is happening. On the wig front, I will say that costume jewelry eyebrow tweezer lady has a pretty sweet finger curl wig.

Fast forwarding to New Mexico in 1956, we meet a young couple who deliver some incredibly stilted dialogue at one another. Their costumes also suggest a high school play that is set in the 1950s but they only go shopping for costumes at the GAP. We’ve all been there. Doesn’t wurq. Also, I’m not sure what pincurl nonsense is happening on this chick’s head but it is neither historically accurate or attractive. NOPE.

Anyway, ash zombie #1 decides to go on a quest for a cigarette light, which obviously turns into a bloodbath.

I will say this much: this terrible 50s wig deserved to GO. All hail ash zombies!

EPISODE 9

Bad Dale Cooper lives! All hail ash zombies?? I don’t know if it’s the zombie makeover or what but this is the BEST this wig has every looked.

Sadly, this is short-lived as Bad Dale Cooper meets up with his accomplices/Academy Award Nominated Actors Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh and this terrible wig gets cleaned up and its half pony tale back and it looks awful again. UGH. Side note: Tim Roth’s denim jacket with the cut off arms IS THE LEWK.

Back in Twin Peaks, Lucy and Andy are chair shopping (#TeamBeigeChair) and the sheriff A-team (SCREW YOU AND YOUR LUNCH, CHAD!!!) are doing some detecting. They pay Bobby’s mom a visit, where she reveals a super cool chair hiding place (maybe get this chair, Lucy and Andy?) and a secret message from beyond. Dun dun dun!

And as always, Diane and her Pretty in Pink Iona wig are KILLING IT as always in fashion and correct opinions. It still remains a supreme mystery as to if Diane is trying to pass this off as real hair, but regardless: let the lady smoke. She’s been through enough! It IS a f*cking morgue!

In the end, we meet some teenage heroin addicts/vampires(?) with awful hair which is likely just awful hair and not wigs. They also have serious skin ailments that I never want to see again. Let’s just maybe never see them again. Please?

EPISODE 10

We are officially more than halfway through this series and no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones in favor of Good Dale Cooper. Wake the hell up, Coop! (Tho dang, you’re looking good - and Janey E agrees!) Otherwise, this episode is pretty much all about domestic abuse and its witnesses. Seen here: a wigless Harry Dean Stanton having some guitar “me” time which was ruined by Shelly’s daughter and her terrible boyfriend...

Can you guys please be quiet so HDS can play his damn guitar in peace?!?! Side note: domestic abuse begets domestic abuse: does this remind anyone of Shelly and Leo?

But the scumbag of the week (and the millennium?) definitely goes to Richard Horne. Not to be outdone by hit-and-run child murder, this week he gave us trailer park murder and familial abuse/robbery all while the Teddy Ruxpin of nightmares above must bear (get it?) witness. Oh and yes - we see what you did there with that glowing orb head, David Lynch.

Of course, scumbags love company and OF COURSE Richard Horne is in cahooks with Deputy Scumbag, Chad, who he asks to intercept his trailer park murder victim’s blackmail letter. WE HATE YOU CHAD. Luckily, Lucy is totally on to Chad. #TeamBeigeChair4Ever

Back in Vegas (UGH), Tom Sizemore is setting Dougie up with the help of these wigless, flaky cocktail waitresses. The fact that these three didn’t somehow break into song sorta surprised me.

The mazel of the week def goes to Nadine, who finally has her silent drape empire in the form of her storefront, RUN SILENT RUN DRAPES. Way to make your lifegoals a reality, gurlfriend! She’s also obsessed with Dr. Jacoby’s vid-blog, but obvs.

We also get some more news from the Log Lady - Laura Palmer is the ONE! Whatever that means? It has been brought to my attention that my previous assessment of this being a good wig may be false - the actress who portrayed her, Catharine E. Coulson, died of cancer shortly after reprising this role. So this is likely her actual hair. I stand corrected! Just goes to show you that just when you think you’ve found a good Twin Peaks wig - it turns out to be real hair. Nothing is as it seems in Twin Peaks but we can always count on the continuity of bad wigs? With this new information - this episode is entirely wigless! Why am I even writing this?!?!

Maybe just to rejoice in the epic performance of Rebekah del Rio (no relation to Bianca, sadly) who we all know and love from Mullholland Drive. Bitch is in straight up Black Lodge cosplay and it WURQS.

EPISODE 11

The more we watch this show, the fewer and fewer wigs we seem to get. And the more we realize we are just stuck with Dougie Jones. Wake up, Good Coops!

Anyway, this week the domestic violence from last week’s episode got particularly EXTRA when Amanda Seyfried decided to amp her Lifetime Movie life up to 11 and get a gun, demand her mom come over with her car, take the car, almost run her mom over, and go shoot at her two-timing, d-bag of a husband. I seriously think I saw this movie starring Tori Spelling a few different times on Lifetime but David Lynch makes it SO MUCH MORE ARTY.

Great hiding place, you guys! Also, why yes that IS GERSTEN HAYWARD, aka Lara Flynn Boyle’s lil sis who is great at piano!

This did lead to a pretty sweet family reunion at the RR though seriously, Bobby, just arrest your daughter’s husband already.

This reunion was briefly interrupted by coin enthusiast/fake Henry Rollins, Balthazar Getty who OF COURSE is going out with Shelly. You make bad dude choices, Shelly! Why am I suddenly rooting for Bobby?!?!

Oh and also there was a sudden diner shootout followed by passenger seat exorcism, because: Twin Peaks.

The only wig of the week was brought to us by pillar of effervescence, Diane. The jury is still out (and will forever be out?!) on if she is trying to pass this wig off as real hair, but I give up: you just do you, Diane.

And also please continue to sit on stools while the rest of the world sits on chairs. Is that thing from Blaine? Anyway, you’ll always be on a pedestal to us.

After an some map detective work from Hawk and another call from the Log Lady, an otherworldly vortex sighting, and an unfortunate Matthew Lillard cranial injury, we end the episode in the weirdest Se7en parody ever but hey: there’s always room for cherry pie?

Oh, and god bless you and your fabulous makeover, random casino garbagelady! You look so sparkly!

EPISODE 12

Why am I still updating this blog post? Why am I still watching this show? Why is it taking everyone five extra minutes to say what they need to say and why am I falling asleep? These are all questions I had during this episode. Not much happens - and slowly. We did get to see some old, familiar faces, though. Our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, had a grocery store meltdown about turkey jerky (AS ONE DOES) and we finally got a visit from Audrey Horne!

Sadly, it appears that Audrey did NOT marry eyebrow plucking enthusiast Billy Zane in favor of a really grumpy little person named Charlie. Audrey HATES Charlie and all his goddamned paperwork, especially when she needs him to get up and go to the roadhouse with her to find her missing lover, NO MATTER HOW TIRED HE IS.

UGH, Charlie. As with all scenes in this episode, this scene is about 10 minutes too long, and at no point was there any mention of how Audrey’s son killed a kid and tried to kill a lady (CHARLIE IS GOING TO HAVE SO MUCH PAPERWORK TO DO OVER THAT). However, I would have gladly watched Audrey Horne dance to a jukebox for 10 minutes.

Speaking of scenes that go on too long - THIS BITCH. Seriously, how long does it take you to GET THE EFF OUT of a room when Miguel Ferrer has some important business with David Lynch?!

The only wig in the episode remains to be the enigma that is Diane’s wig. I have previously stated that we may never get the information we need to judge this wig and if it is trying to be real hair or not so again: I give up. You just keep doing you, Diane. LET’S ROCK!

EPISODE 13

EPISODE 13 YOU GUYS. I have been updating this long-ass blog post FOREVER and we’re no closer to getting rid of Dougie Jones!! He is even now gifting his family with nice cars and gym sets so it feels like he’s not going anywhere. WHY WHY WHY. Wake the HELL UP, DALE COOPER!!!!

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper is looking rougher and rougher ever since his Woodsman reincarnation - he is now truly a garbage person. And his wig is still absolute trash.

This week did test our loyalties in that we found ourselves in an arm wrestling match of the damned and were sorta rooting for Bad Coop against some other garbage people. Coop was victorious (sorry about your face, bro), but with that wig, we are all still losers.

In other bizarre hair news, what the hell is up with Ed’s hair?! This is NOT a wig but I really want to know who was driving the train with this hair “style” if you can even call it that. Looks like some pretty good soup, though.

Oh, and apparently James can sing in falsetto? Wonders never cease. Still no sign of Lara Flynn Boyle who may be our only salvation at this point. We are all Sarah Palmer watching the same boxing match over and over again hoping for salvation. Maybe next week?

EPISODE 14

We are on the last lap of this show, and things are (sorta, kinda) coming together. Thanks (of course?) in part to the oldest Bond girl, Monica Bellucci, and the prophetic dream Gordon Cole had about her. The puzzle pieces seem to be fitting now. Thanks, Monica! Oh but wait - WHO IS THE DREAMER?! With every answered question comes a new question.

Luckily, Diane is on the case and ready to drop some KNOWLEDGE AND GLAMOUR on everyone. Like her wig, Diane is an enigma. Unlike her wig (which is still not identified as a wig or not within the narrative - SIGH), Diane is full of super useful information. Dougie and Janey E you say? Oh she just so happens to be Diane’s estranged half-sister! OBVS! Not since Game of Thrones have we had such a convenient familial lineage. Just don’t eff it up, Las Vegas FBI!

In other law abiding news, Lucy and her gravity defying hair are still the best and she and Andy once took a trip to Bora Bora! UGH seriously guys - bring back Wally Brando. Oh, and the worst sheriff (and second worst character), CHAD, was finally read for filth and locked up for being the worst - just in time for the good sheriffs to take a ROAD TRIP!

Like most hikes in Twin Peaks, this one involved beautiful scenics, paternal nostalgia, putting dirt in your pockets (OR ELSE), discovering a naked woman with no eyes, and teleporting via creepy vortex into a B&W steampunk nightmarescape and hanging with a giant. I can’t wait for the TripAdvisor review!

Andy was the lucky recipient of the teleport trip and seriously: can this dude PLEASE STAR IN A BIOPIC OF STAN LAUREL? Just saying. Anyway, he met up with our favorite jolly (non-green) giant who sadly didn’t start singing the most appropriate Dolly Parton song for the moment: “Me and Little Andy” but instead revealed his name is not ??? but really THE FIREMAN. Seems legit. Andy also got some cool recaps of past episodes via a steampunk skylight and returned back to earth to keep that eyeless lady safe.

Speaking of Dolly Parton songs, why was “I Will Always Love You” not playing during this scene??

Lots of missed opportunities, song-wise, but luckily Lucy had some PJs on hand for the eyeless lady from that time the dog got loose. Seriously, I would love to see an entire TV series about Lucy and Andy’s throwaway lines. Showtime: make this happen.

Despite Lucy’s PJ makeover, eyeless lady still has to be locked up with Chad (UGH) and some drunken guy bleeding from his mouth who may or may not be that dude Billy who Sherilynn Fenn and every rando at the roadhouse is always talking about.

Speaking of random characters, David Lynch decided that he still needs to be introducing new ones so meet British Jimmy, who has a magical glove not unlike basically all Marvel superheroes, a destiny only met in Twin Peaks, and a penchant for revealing his entire backstory when it’s his coworker’s birthday. Welcome to Twin Peaks, rando!

We end with our favorite alcoholic, Sarah Palmer, who just wants to have a goddamned Bloody Mary in peace (DON’T WE ALL) without being verbally assaulted by the new worst character in Twin Peaks: a-hole in the TRUCK YOU shirt. Well truck YOU, bro: Sarah Palmer has a soot monster vortex inside her and will quite literally pull your throat off. Sayonara! This is why it’s safer to drink at home watching violent TV. Lesson learned.

EPISODE 15

Hello from officially the longest blog post on this blog (and maybe in the history of the internet?) Are you guys still there? Are we all still watching? We are officially in the final stretch and things continue to come together....sort of. We begin with Nadine, gold shovel in hand, as she finally digs herself out of her marriage which apparently was still intact after all these years! She finally lets Big Ed go.

Which means Ed and Norma are finally getting hitched! Halleluj! You totally cried about this, admit it. (Sure we cried about Ed’s haircut too but no matter).

Meanwhile, Bad Dale Cooper and his evil, horrible wig are still up to no good. Also his leathery skin is getting worse and worse by the episode. He rolls up to the gas station of ghostmares and tries to get a meet and greet with Phillip Jeffries (aka David Bowie - RIP!)

The gatekeeper is this broad who is definitely giving Beulla (see: Episode 1) a run for her money in the category of AGELESS GLAMOUR.

BD Cooper also runs into our least favorite Twin Peaks resident/his possible son, Richard Horne and tells him to get in the car: road trip! Oh and speaking of residents of Twin Peaks we don’t like, Becky’s husband probably killed hisself?

Speaking of death, Dougie maybe just killed hisself? I mean, it’s a modern miracle that he hasn’t already but seriously: get out the way, bitch! Bring back Good Dale Cooper! If he didn’t kill hisself, I guess we all need to prepare for Dougie’s sequel: Electric Dougieloo

Finally, one of our very FAVORITE Twin Peaks residents, Margaret, aka The Log Lady, bid us adieu (as did Catherine Coulson, the woman who played her.) SOB!

We feel ya, Lucy. (Insert sobbing emojis)

EPISODE 16

We’ve come to the last 3 episodes and everything is coming together. The father-son road trip of the century comes to the only possible ending: with Richard Horne being sent up to a rock to be electrocuted. Sayonara, you terrible person! Oh, and yes: Bad Coop was your dad. See ya!

Bad Coop alerts Diane and her still mysterious wig, and suddenly Diane has an acid flashback to all the bad bad stuff that Bad Coop did to her. She recounts the upsetting tale to Gordon and Co and also reveals one more thing: BITCH IS A TULPA!

And with a bullet to the head, she returns to the Black Lodge to bring it some extra retro fabulousness. Byeeeeeee!

Meanwhile, Dougie Jones (UGH) is in a coma after electrocuting himself. And then, just like that....FINALLY AGENT COOPER WAKES HISSELF UP!

SERIOUSLY.

Also, thanks for the finger sandwiches, Mitchum Bros! Oh and sayonara to Oscar nominees Tim Roth and Jennifer Jason Leigh (and her excellent collection of mini Cheetos bags) during the neighborhood watch shootout of the millennium.

Coop tells the Mitchum Bros to fire up the private jet (seriously thank goodness for these dudes)...he’s headed back to Twin Peaks! Yayys! He also says byeeeee to Janey E and our favorite mini cult leader, Sonny Jim Jones.

Back in Twin Peaks, Audrey and her terrible husband FINALLY made it to the roadhouse where they promptly order martinis (not what I’d order at a roadhouse, but you do you, you fabulous weirdos). The crowd at the roadhouse soon realizes that they are in the presence of dance royalty and promptly and correctly clear the dancefloor so Ms. Horne can DO HER THANG. She does and it’s as dreamy as we remembered it...

Until that dream turns into a DAMN NIGHTMARE and Audrey wakes up in....a mental hospital? An alternate dimension? A remake of The Valley of the Dolls in which she plays Neely O’Hara in rehab (omg someone please make this happen)?! WHO KNOWS?!?!?! WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAT WHAAAAAT.

EPISODE 17

It’s come to this: Bad Cooper has made his way to Twin Peaks and Andy is SUPER EXCITED to see him but everyone else has their doubts, especially when the real Coop gives a call from the road.

Meanwhile, terrible terrible Chad somehow manages to escape and tries to shoot Andy, but not if British Jimmy has anything to do with it! He punches through his cell and right into Chad’s face. Side note: why didn’t he just punch through his cell to get out in the first place? Oh well.

Upstairs, Bad Coop tries to shoot Sheriff Truman but not if Lucy has anything to do with it, and gurlfriend shoots him and saves the day (#TeamBeigeChair4Ever). Then Coop and Gordon and Co both have perfectly timed entrances just as Bob the Blob emerges from Bad Coop. The rest of the scene has Coop’s superimposed face on it (sure?) as British Jimmy fulfills his destiny of punching Bob out of existence. Also: British Jimmy is totally gonna have his own Netflix Marvel spin-off show, right? Also Jim Belushi is all of us during this scene.

And Andy brings the eyeless lady to Coop in time for her to morph into...

DIANE IN A RED WIG! Sure, why not, right? I guess we know she is the real Diane because of her wig makeover?? Or the fact that she immediately makes out with Coop? WHO KNOWS?! I’m not even sure if we are supposed to believe that this terrible wig is real hair so why am I even typing this?! WHATEVER WE’VE MADE IT THIS FAR LET’S JUST KEEP GOING.

Anyway, Coop, Diane and Gordon go to visit David Bowie in teapot form (yes I just that sentence) and Coop is teleported back to 1989 where we get some sweet B&W flashbacks of Fire Walk With Me scenes showing Laura Palmer about to get herself murdered. But this time, Coop is there to save her! What what what?! Yes, this show is maybe about to rewrite history? Oh no nevermind - Laura was totally kidnapped away by...the forest? Seems legit.

EPISODE 18

YOU GUYS WE MADE IT TO THE FINAL EPISODE! I still have no idea what the hell is going on with the wigs or otherwise but whatever. We get some more flashbacks to the original series, except no one finds Laura’s body. Curious. Then we see Bad Coop in the Black Lodge turning into a golden nugget (SASHAY AWAY TERRIBLE TERRIBLE WIG) and then morphing into a Dougie tulpa - congrats Janey E and Sonny Jim Jones?

Back in the forest, Coop still can’t find Laura but he does find Diane and her terrible red wig. Close enough? Anyway, they take a roadtrip to some random electrical wires where they shapeshift into a different dimension where they go to a hotel and have the most uncomfortable consensual/not consensual sex scene this side of Straw Dogs.

In the morning, Diane is gone and Coop and the hotel seem different. Coop must go out in search of some coffee at the local diner, where he also has to beat up some cowboy scum because sure - we have time for that.

Anyway, he finally finds what he’s been looking for: LAURA PALMER! Oh except she isn’t Laura Palmer; her name is Carrie Page and she’s never heard of Laura Palmer but she DID just murder some dude so sure: road trip!

They make it back to Twin Peaks in near utter silence (nope, nothing to talk about...) and Coop gets Carrie/Laura back to her mom’s house!

Everything seems to be going great until they knock on the door...

And this beautiful goddess in thirsty thirsty blowdryed locks answers the door. No, she’s not Sarah Palmer - she’s some bitch named Alice Tremont who doesn’t understand anything Coop is saying (you and me both!) WHAT?!

This is the right house, right? Oh wait - what year is it?

WHO KNOWS?! But Laura/Carrie have a good primal scream about it and: that’s it! Seriously, the whole show is over, leaving us with about as satisfying an ending as The Sopranos or the Gilmore Girls revival.

In the end, we have no clue what happened but all that matters is: the (few) wigs involved were terrible so let’s all just primal scream about it. And if you are still reading this, kudos to you for reading the longest blog post about wigs probably EVER!

VERDICT: DOESN’T WURQ

4 notes · View notes

funkylit · 7 years

Text

Poverty Simulation

As Liz sat in the hallway with the others, her eyes drifted over to the glass display case. The chairs were arranged in a sort of semicircle and she was trying to glance without appear without staring at anyone. In the display case a flyer caught her eye. She squinted at the bold letters on the top of the flyer behind the glass. “Poverty Simulation”, is what met her eyes. She tried to read the underlying print but the type was too small to me made out. She poked a finger in her wife’s side and whispered “Can you see what that sign says?” “Poverty Simulation” came the reply. “Can you see what the rest of it is?” Her wife shook her head no. Liz’s mind began to wander. What is poverty simulation? Do they actually have people pretend to be poor? What is the value and who participates? It sounds like my suggestion of Presidential survivor. She laughed at the thought. For the last couple of elections, Liz had said they should forego campaigning and have the presidential candidates face off in a form of the TV show “Survivor.” Each would get a spouse, 2 kids, a menial job and about 2 dollars too much a month to qualify for government assistance.

Now THAT would be telling Liz thought. She imagined the President phoning to get a recording (There were no caseworkers the budget had been cut) stating that he needed to bring birth certificates, social security cards, proof of income, and valid IDs for all family members no exceptions. Even that sounds too easy she thought. The tough parts are the one nobody tells you about. Like how if the office starts taking applications for government housing at 8 am, you’d better be putting your ass in a chair (if you are lucky enough to have one) or a line by 6 am. If you have a child and you can’t afford a sitter, you need to find something to occupy the child for 2-3 hours of wait time or be deemed inattentive mother by those who just happen to be “passing by” and have no real idea of why your child is restless. No one tells you about these parts. When Liz arrived a couple of months ago she came at 7:15 because the office opened by 8 and took the first 15 applicants. When they arrived, they were met with dejected faces of two women with a child saying they went ahead and let people in early and had already made the quota.

This time Liz was prepared. She arrived at 6 and took the elevator up to the third floor. When she stepped off the elevator, she saw the worn faces of those who’d already arrived. There was a circle of blue plastic chairs right in the middle of the hallway. Each chair had a paper number. Liz and her wife sat down in the last two numbers 12 and 13. Just In the nick of time. Liz quickly tried reassuring herself that her wife sitting in number 13 would not be unlucky. Liz had a fear of bad luck associated with 13 that reached near OCD levels. Then came the next challenge. Scan without staring, listen without eavesdropping, and speak without being heard. Finally, the awkward social experiment was ended and they were all escorted to a small room in which sat about 30 folding chairs. They tried to keep people in the order of their numbers but this was less than an exact science. Somehow Liz ended up being 9 so she at least was happy to move up a few places. Everyone was given a clipboard with paper which asked personal questions such as income, marital status, race, age ethnicity, criminal background, and drug use. Of course there was blurb under the questions assuring each client there would be no discrimination. Liz noted there was no protection listed for discrimination based on sexual orientation or gender. She had her marriage certificate so she went ahead and checked married.

After the clipboards started to be completed, one staff person at the head table started direct people to a very small interior office for interviews. After a couple of moments, the person in the office came and told a small group of them to wait outside for privacy. People started to form random groups and lines to wait. Liz and her wife secured a prime spot next to the door. Suddenly the person from the front asked everyone to form an organized line outside the small office. All hell broke loose and chaos ensued. A woman tried to step in front of Liz’s wife who was now at the head of the line. “She said to form a line.” her wife informed the woman.” The woman ignored and tried to shove her way in front. Liz’s wife turned and said more firmly, “She SAID to form a line here BEHIND me” Liz watched worriedly willing her wife to stay calm. Luckily, calmer heads prevailed and the woman stepped in front of Liz but made no more efforts to cut in front of her wife.

Finally Liz and her wife were invited into a small room to discuss their application. They verified information with documentation and learned about “points.” You get 4 points for being homeless, 2 points for being a veteran, 1 point for being disabled, and 4 points for being current residents of Tippecanoe County. Under this system Liz earned 5 points she spoke about any history of drug use / abuse and criminal history and then was sent back out to the front room to wait for documents to be photocopied. Once again the line had broken down and people were sitting in the seats waiting to be called and others were cutting in line. Liz formed a proper line and could hear the protests of others behind her. Finally, they received their original documents and were told to call in a week and see what number they’d been assigned on the waiting list.

Liz checked her phone. It was after 11 o’clock. The whole process had taken about 5 hours. Liz thought again of “poverty simulation” She imagined Obama and Bush being forced to sign criminal record checks and be poked prodded and shoved around like cattle being told to wait while they can’t afford to put a roof over their family’s head. When Liz got home she googled poverty simulation. She found programs in Missouri, Indiana and a few other states were housing these “simulations” in order to give people an idea what poverty was really like.

Liz guffawed at the idea. First, unless it was a legislature like Liz imagined, it would make little to no difference what anyone thought the system would remain unchanged. Second, one day of this would be a cakewalk. In a given week, Liz also negotiated similar symptoms at the food pantry, bread line, and food stamp office. Not to mention various medical appointments because of the disability. Finally, unless your future is really riding on whether or not you get accepted and how long the waiting list is, all it would be is an inconvenient day at most. The truth is being poor is really being at a lack of power. You had to wait in line and explain your situation multiple times to workers who want to help but are all overworked and underpaid. The realization that your future security is not your own but based on this employee it is a staggering slap in the face. The idea that anyone could get a sense of what this was like through a “simulation” was highly offensive and dismissive of the true problem.

Of course Liz couldn’t complain. This was no “simulation” for her and she needed to be in everyone’s good graces. She waited hopefully for the week then phoned the follow up number. She was hoping the disability pushed her up on the list. The phone rang and she said a silent prayer. The man answered and informed her quite happily that she was numbered 116 on the list. He said that was equal to approximately six months. She thanked him and sighed. Then she went back to trying to budget for the next six months.

#poverty #prose #equal rigjhts #bipolor #bipolar disorder #schizophrenia #low income

0 notes