.

GUYS!!

I was listening to Charlotte's ending (because, being honest, that anime has the most beautiful music in the story of anime and sometimes I just need to hear it again— damn it why does it have to have such a story) and I thought 'I wish there was a lcf crossover with og cale of this'. Which, great idea, actually.

So I started to daydream about it (instead of writing anything as the procrastinator that I am) and my first thought was that it has to be a sort of happier life, since the anime ended like that (specially for the Otosaka siblings, overall the Otosaka siblings). So my brain said "hey, why don't put the main cast in the Northeast families? Nao now has to deal with Eric's dorkness". So I went with it and tried to figure out 'which northeast family gets what charlotte character?'

I wanted to put Yuu in the Henituse family because the ending destroyed me, damn it, I want him to be happy. And his little sister— wait didn't they had an older sibling too? (I can't believe I forgot about Shunsuke ;∆; I'm so sorry. You were my fav)

Then I realized—

OG CALE AND SHUNSUKE ARE BASICALLY THE SAME FUCKING PERSON!

Protective older siblings? Check. Selfsacrifical bastards ready to throw themselves for their family? Check. A strange relationship with time? Check. Elegant warm smile that reaches the eyes? Check. Absolutely badass hidden character? Check. Charming as fuck? Also fucking check.

They both even have the same 'I hold the key to salvation you need' and 'I wnt back in time so they won't be doomed' roles!

So—

Nao, Joujirou, Yusa, Misa, and Kumagami (he's the guy who located people with powers in the map and he was Shunsuke's best friend. He matters to me, okay?) are all reborn in the northeast families. Nao is Eric's younger sister. Yusa and Misa are twins and Gilbert's pain in the ass. Koujirou, the poor bastard, is born in the Stan family and runs away at the first chance. Kumagami is Amiru's older sibling who owns a shop because Ubarr is a matriarchal family (fuck thanks) and he needs to pay his meals (he may or may not be going for his third life. And he may or may not be a certain someone).

And the Otosaka's? They're reincarnated as the Henituse siblings... who have no idea the others remember their past lives.

They do, however, know who the others were.

Lily is the first one to remember. It take her some time to put the pieces together and realize that her dreams are not just dreams. That said, she recognized Bassen immidiately. He's still as sweet with her as before and, although her oppa may not realize, he can be quite unhinged sometimes. (That's fine tho. Most of them are.)

She lasts more to recognize Cale. She and her orabeoni aren't so close, she doesn't know him that well. That's why it takes her some old blurred memories from when she barely could walk and a bad night to notice. Ayumi's Shunsuke and Lily's Cale are the same person. After that the soft spot her orabeoni has for them becomes so obvious to her that she has to ask herself if she was blind before. Scary? Trash? Pshh, orabeoni was the biggest softy in the world. Let alone people, he doesn't like harming bugs. He picks them up and puts them outside so the servants won't squash them. Why do people think he would hit anyone?

Bassen cringes at his past life choices. He can't believe he used to be so— so— irresponsible. How embarrasing.

He's kind of surprised and sad at how good student his brother was. Not because he didn't think he's smart enough, but because he didn't expect him to effort so much at it. And if he did before, why did he drop his studies this time? Knowing all what he does now, he has the feeling that it must be either something stupidly self-sacrifical or something really important he decided not to tell anyone.

Lily seems to him pretty much the same but with a liking for swords. Good. Luckily, this way she would be able to protect herself this time. And gosh, isn't he reliaved they don't have those powers this time? No more accidental collapsing buildings for her.

Cale is the last one to remember that life. He's also the only one to remember their future life and probably the only one who knows why they remembered. Just like he tends to do with most things, he doesn't tell anyone about it (except Kumagami) until it comes up in a conversation or it's needed. (Alberu is a little bit jealous about this. Why does that guy gets to know but not him? Aren't they close too? Does he not trust Alberu as much? Thankfully someone has the mind to tell him that that's just how they used to be. And also because Kumagami seems is, as far as they know, the only one of Shunsuke's circle of friends that came to this world with them.)

His siblings? Oh, he knew it instantly.

make my heart surrender | carmy x reader | the playlist

here's a fun little collection of songs that make me think of this story. some of the songs feel like they could function as a soundtrack to the story, and some just make me think of carmy x reader. i created this playlist and listened to it while writing, in the car, doing dishes... seriously, the way this story took over my brain.

make my heart surrender: the playlist

***

sleeping with a friend - neon trees

carmy & reader's relationship in new york city -- while the title feels self-explanatory, this song has all the sexual tension of wondering our favorite kitchen lovebirds' will they won't they relationship. do we need a oneshot of the before times? maybe...

robbers - the 1975

angsty carmy & reader's relationship in nyc. this is also allegedly the prequel to 'about you' so it felt right to include it.

about you - the 1975

where the title of this fic comes from: 'now there's something about you that i can't remember / it's the same damn thing that made my heart surrender / and i miss you on the train, i miss you in the morning / i never what to think about / i think about you

it's the pining for me

chicago - sufjan stevens

the iconic song used in the show. i could see this song playing on reader's first day at the bear, or underscoring reader's travels to chicago

sleep tight - holly humberstone

oof, this song kills me. i'll add notable lyrics that make me think of carmy x reader, but it would be a beautiful underscore for their moment at the end of chapter two, when they say goodnight to each other.

"sleep tight i'm on my way back and feeling kind of sad because you were the best thing i never knew i had"

"you were the best thing i never knew was mine"

"god knows i've missed this feeling" makes me ache in the best ways why do we love being sad sm?!

closer - tegan and sara

i could see this song underscoring some of the kitchen flows when carmy & reader have smoothed things over around chapter three. i can just see reader working the garnish station and falling in love with carmy all over again as she watches him expedite.

can we also just talk about how this is a peak in the flow of the playlist? like they've finally smoothed things over and it's been nostalgic/acoustic/angsty and then this song happens and it's like an explosion of energy?? we're finally going to get some connection between these two

only human - the code, william singe

if this were a movie/tv show, i'd have this song play in the background of their conversation (date) at the aviary in chapter three.

untouched hearts - acoustic - the hunna

the lines "i know it's been hard but now it's time for you to get what you want, to know you're enough" feel like a fucking love letter from mikey to carmy. #LetItRip

it also feels like a feeling reader and carmy would share between the two of them about each other.

la vie en rose - emily watts

the song that plays at carmy's apartment after putting her dinner party playlist on shuffle. reader is flipping through the cookbook while he finishes the carbonara to the sweet sounds of this song. and they're making eyes at each other, and stealing glances when they think the other isn't looking GOODBYE

the girl - city & colour

this song is giving major waking-up-together-morning-after vibes. i mostly saw this song for the second to last chapter for the cute tattoo scene, but it could also be great for their first morning after season in chapter five.

flashed junk mind (acoustic version) - milky chance

just picture carmy & reader traipsing through chi-town's chinatown, arguing over who's gonna pay (because they both think it should be themselves), being cute, and fighting over carmy's cigarette during their walking dumpling date.

strawberries & cigarettes - troye sivan

this song accompanies their sweet goodbye at the start of chapter 7 and i'm quite convinced that troye sivan wrote it about carmen berzatto and you can't change my mind lol.

for the lines: "blue eyes, black jeans, lighters and candy, i've been a fool / strawberries & cigarettes always taste like you" and "remember when you taught me fate / said it'd all be worth the wait."

somebody - dagny

less on brand for the show, but the lyrics make me think so much about these two. it's giving: plot twist this is now a freeform show, i know. however, i envisioned this song being a part of reader packing up her things and catching up w friends back in ny. maaaaybe even as she's getting in her u-haul to drive to chicago.

solsbury hill - peter gabriel

peter gabriel said that this song was about losing something so that you can gain something else and i'm just not okay. this is the song that underscores the final scene in our lovely little epilogue, when reader surprises carmy at the bear ready to tell him that she's finally all in.

FOR THE ASK GAME!! :DD

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

🐚 ⇢ do you like or dislike surprises?

I like surprises! I don't get them often, but I think they're a blast. I usually complain if somebody springs something big on me I have to travel for, but I usually enjoy whatever it is-- I mostly just like the talk. But yeah! I like surprises

🦷 ⇢ share some personal wisdom or a life hack you swear on

Make enough food for leftovers!! I'm grabbing you by the shoulders and shaking, you HAVE to make enough for leftovers. Make food for your friends. Surprise people with food. I am such a firm believer that food is a sign of love, for yourself, for others.... make food that you love! Love yourself!! Make enough to bring to work and to have when your sad! Get really into sandwiches! Just. love food? In every way you can. It's good for your brain, good for your heart, good for stomach.

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

I really don't like Lady D. She annoys the fuck out of me actually. She clogs up the resident evil tag, I don't like a lot of her fans energy... She's just fine, and she gets too much hype for being big, evil and hot. Listen. I'm a lesbian. I love women. She's hot. But I think she gets too much energy from the fanbase considering she's a essentially a miniboss, and frankly, a pretty flat one. Beyond her relationship with her daughters, there's not a lot to her. I don't care for RE8 anyway (I think it tries to do too much, and in having so many antagonists, doesn't give any of them time to properly shine. Having a beef between the siblings is a fun dynamic, Mother Miranda is aesthetically incredible... none of it changes the fact a lot of them would have benefited from being in different games)

I would so much rather that energy goes to any of the other resident evil woman. It's insane that when I try to find and saphic content for the fandom, an insane amount of it is self-insert ship art with Lady D! Not to hate on anyone who selfships, that's fun as hell, but with ANYONE ELSE, please.

Also. Might do a post about Mia later because I'm thinking about themes of motherhood again. Honestly, the only reason Lady D works in RE8 for me and why I don't completely hate her is because her theme of motherhood and taking work so well with Ethan's story, it's a shame she's not in RE8 for longer, and that the deaths of her Daughters weren't more impactful to her is a downright SHAME.

❄️ ⇢ what's your dream theme/plot for a fic, and who would write it best?

I won't say rewriting RE8 because I'm thinking about it now, but know I want to. I have two fics I would love to work on personally? This might be cheating, but... I don't think I care. I want to work on them. As much as I don't like RE8, I *do* have kind of a silly fic I've been slowly working on that very indulgently combines my two favorite things: Rewriting stories I don't like and turning people into monsters.

It's a bad-end fic where after the end of RE4, Leon, Ashley and Luis are re-infected with a strain of Plagas that just makes them buggy, so they go into hiding. Slash cut to RE8, they're hiding out in the same village Miranda's shit is happening, and being kinda pissy towards Chris for """killing"""" Mia, Ethan teams up with Ashley while Luis and Leon just fully have baby Rose with them. It's fully just an excuse to act out like. 3 silly scenes I have in my head, but one day I hope to put that out into the world.

This was so much fun, thank you so much for the ask!!! <3

good god.

the harlequin arc in act 1 of rapture.

had to revisit it today.

I feel like I should..... publicly say things about it. Because I generally stay silent about it otherwise.

It's. Hard-hitting. It's repulsive, it's tragic, it's messed up. That Jordan is willing to be pragmatic about the Harlequin (the person who quite explicitly and extremely abused him) is, and I have this on good authority, one of the single most controversial aspects about the Rapture logs.

I.. don't think I would ever write that arc ever again. I am not interested in ever doing that... sexual of a story again. But, goddammit, that Jordan is controversial insults me. And not because he's a self-insert, but because his pragmatism was right. Every part of it came from a need to survive, an awareness of his own limits, and a refusal to put someone else through what he puts himself through. This also means he wouldn't, and I don't, judge others for being unwilling to act the same way. Rapture isn't a fucking morality tale, a list of instructions for how to Win at Trauma. It's... more like a set of extended metaphors.

The Harlequin represents something dark and familial, the kind of familial that you can oppose but you know not to piss off to their face unless you're damn sure you're never gonna see them again. The Harlequin also is a character who pushes Jordan's buttons and knows she does and isn't used to getting a positive response of any kind. That's... that's part of the horror, the tragic idea that her naivety is what causes the most damage. The same extends to Jordan-- he isn't used to getting that kind of attention of any kind, so for this monster girl to turn up and treat him the right way, he's... he's not gonna run away screaming. He's gonna treat her like she's just misunderstood. It's only when he sees her Literally Perform Acts Of Terrorism that he realizes this is a situation he must Leave. And that's also when he can't, because now Donnie is collateral. The behaviour makes sense.

Later on in the story, like a lot later, there are some parts where Harly is addressed again. She herself is in danger now, and she has no one to turn to, so she turns to Jordan because she knows, if nothing else, she can get him to listen. So she treats him nice, and he starts to see something unexpected: he sees how pathetic she is. How powerless she is when in the face of her own abuser, how much she hates herself for what she's done. He doesn't forgive her, but he may say it to her. He knows she has been neutralized as a threat, and he senses she won't be a factor for much longer. And it's just... sad. She rediscovers her soul when it's too late.

Let me tell you a little secret.

I used the word "familial" earlier and that wasn't an accident. The Harlequin is a poetic image, a reflection of some tangled themes I've had in my brain for a very long time. She is not any one person I have known in my life. No one has done Harlequin things to me, not that extremely anyway, but people have used the same dynamics to exploit and control me before. From a very young age. When I wrote the Harlequin at age sixteen, I did so from a position of already having a working understanding of these dynamics, and where I fit into them. She was one of the first parts in all of Rapture to get a detailed physical description, because I went to the trouble of designing her, because she came to me in a dream after starting Rapture. Her face did, anyway. Her dress sense came from.. a family member. Her hair style and her makeup came from a different family member. And her ending-- in fact the overall fist-clenchingly tragic atmosphere to her Overall Arc-- was inspired by my feelings about my mother. Just as the Beast was, in a lot of ways, a reflection of my father. (this is why the Beast and the Harlequin are a symbolic item.)

So. What I'm trying to say here. There's parts of Rapture that were clumsily handled, improvised on the spot, and frankly shallow. The Harlequin, unfortunately, was not one of these parts. I knew what I was doing there. I did not know how to handle people's reactions to it. And, other things which got fixed aside, I did in fact know not to repeat the Harlequin arc.

.........this was hard to say so openly. I would prefer no one respond to this one. Likes are okay. (Just a preference. If someone has something to say, it's best not to bottle it up. I will do my best to handle it with care.)

6, 16, 21 and 46 for the ask game!

6. Do you prefer writing or drawing?

Contrary to popular belief and to the amount of time I spend on each, I largely prefer writing over drawing. I think it comes to three facts. 1. When you look at a drawing, mistakes are way more obvious than when you look at writing and I also generally more easily how to fix a mistake in writing than in drawing. 2. What I prefer when creating is to tell a story, and so far I'm quite unable to do so by drawing (although the main reason I work so much on drawing is to be able to do so). 3. I'm studying literature, which means that I spend, like, at the very least 10h a week studying other writers, which is a very efficient way to improve; a thing I can't exactly do with drawing, since I don't go to art school. So when I write, especially after studying literature so much, I know what I'm doing, whereas I'm kinda a fly when it comes to drawing (one day I'll learn composition I swear)

16. Want any tattoos? What of?

Tattoos!! I'm kinda conflicted on this one. On one hand I'm kind of a butterfly and generally grow bored of things and getting bored of something you can't remove is... well. And also, I'm not fan-fan of how they age. On the other hand, tattoos are hella cool, and it's a tat cliché but you have one life? Either way, I think if I get a tattoo it's going to be when I'm at least 25 because apparently it's when brain stabilizes (maybe it's false but either way, I'm so not the type of rush things 😭).

About the content, I'm not sure either. It'd be certainly a manga thing, either from FMA, D.Gray-Man, Naruto or MHA; or for no manga: Marvel. I think I won't put any colour because that's what age the less well and it won't be too big. More generally, anything cute like a little ghost. Also, I think at some point I'll cave and have a tattoo of Le Cid by Corneille, but I don't know which quote yet.

21. How was your day today?

Wrote the answers in two days so I'm going to answer about them both 😭

Yestersay/Saturday: so great tbh I had my usual 6h exam in the morning and today's subject was french and I??? Liked doing it??? Which is really surprising because I'm not a fan of french literature usually. I think it's because last time I had a banger note at my french exam so I came in very confident. Plus, french exam is generally about dissing someone famous for 6h and :> I think I'll be less happy when the note comes but tbh I did great. Then we celebrated my father's birthday!!

Sunday/Today: Tbh Sundays are always the worse for me, if you have to know one (1) thing about me is that I fucking hate sundays. Because they're usually the only day where I don't have to wake up at 7 am so I don't put alarm which makes me wake up too late to properly work; and then I generally take a big nap in the afternoon and all in all it's a day I generally pack up with plans but end up doing nothing because too tired 🥲

46. What do you need when you're sad?

To be left alone, at least irl. Like, if it's about something specific, I'd probably vent ivl to someone (generally you dozjd8dh) but since I'm generally sad about nothing specific, I prefer to be left all alone and cry, like cry my eyes while listening to emotional/sad music and writing. What appeases really is the writing part I believe (another reason why I prefer writing over drawing blbl)

Ask game

dear n,

i want to be happy more than i want you. i feel like that's very emotionally mature of me. sure, i wanted you to be part of that happiness but i won't sacrifice myself to get you. i spent too long begging for attention from everyone around me and now i can finally take rejection on the cheek and not let the bruise hurt me. yeah, it hurt. i was sad for like two weeks. and i know when i see you next, it'll rip open the scab just a tiny bit, but i'll build a tolerance and then i'll be okay.

i'll still hold you in my heart. i hold every person i've had feelings for there and i remember their birthdays and the songs that make me think of them. your songs are the first that i can still listen to this quickly after the rejection. i'll have some sort of feelings for you until you stop being a part of my life and someone new comes along to take your place. i'm okay with that. i'll revel in the way you make me feel rather than the fact that you don't feel the same way. that's okay, right? that's not creepy or weird, that's just living. i mean, i'd be doing the same thing if i hadn't told you--just along with the mental breakdowns that come with not knowing where i stand with you. i don't obsessively check to see if you've watched my story anymore and it's actually quite freeing.

i realize we probably wouldn't have worked out like i wanted anyway. you're a shitty communicator and i can be quite paranoid if i let myself go down that rabbit hole. i'm leaving this side of the country in less than six months and you're so fucking busy that neither of us would actually have time for each other. i do think that if we put in the time and effort we'd work out great, but not right now. if our paths cross again in, say, four or five years, i'd be willing to give it another try.

i was never angry that you rejected me, in case you're wondering. i was angry that you kind of led me on? you told me that you wanted to get to know me as a friend and then didn't talk to me. when i tried to plan a coffee with you, you basically ghosted me. i asked you a question that was completely unrelated to coffee and you were so cold and distant with me. i don't appreciate lies and if you didn't want anything to do with me after i told you, you should have just told me that. i hoped you'd be different, but it's never like that, is it? maybe it's just the holidays and the winter break. i'll see you in a couple weeks. maybe things will be different in person.

anyway, i'm drinking and apparently, i really needed to write a big long letter to you to explain myself and get these feelings off my chest again. it feels really nice. i'm not angry. i don't think about you constantly. you still take up plenty of space in my brain still, but it's getting slowly smaller. i guess i should say thank you for helping me realize that i am getting better. i love myself more than ever before.

i'll see you in like two weeks,

88m33

a 4-part rec list of my fave drarry fics - the thrillers, dramas, soft bois, and wankbanks getting me through 2020′s shitstorm

[ for my fellow fledgling drarry stans! the drama list is here and, well. like i didn’t initially intend to go off in the mini-reviews beneath every rec but it’s just that you can't nOT yell about drarry as classic literary foils!! also it’s my dumb sideblog so i decided there are no rules and i get to be annoying about good writing.

but rly, the whole premise of the drarry pairing is shaped by this genre and if the ~serious world of serious published writers~ weren’t absolute cowards, they would admit that drama fic authors have contributed more to the genre than the average shit you can find at your local chain bookstore. so that's that on thAT. & if you love a fic here, don't forget to follow the authors, leave kudos & comments on their work, send them nice msgs bc they do all this shit for free xoxo ]

part 2: dramas

mood: for when I need emotional catharsis and maybe 7 hours to sob/brood about loneliness, the cost of love, & the perpetual fear of being truly known

includes: angst, hurt/comfort, reconciliation fics. it’s cruelty o’clock folks and someone is about to say/do something Fucked Up that they can’t take back. but don’t worry!! there will be a Reckoning feat. hamlet-worthy monologues, ugly truths, unbridled rage, trauma, insecurity, and just a fuck ton of tears!! but maybe even tender apologies and mended things.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil​ - 36k - E | Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected. | --- can a fic be tender and unflinching at the same time? bc this story strikes that balance rly well and for a piece about unwantedness, it is incredibly humanizing. ginny holding her own, draco being gentle but not letting harry play victim, hermione calling harry “hazzah” and just the way this friendship insists on the validity of found families even when harry is spiraling?? and you’re forced to consider that no one has the monopoly on fucked-upness and that doesn’t absolve us of the ways we hurt each other but it means that everyone has the same potential to be better after being broken. goD JUST READ IT, OKAY.

Blood Magic, the series by @houseofhebrideanblacks and @thestralsofspinnersend 335k - E “Later that night. . .Draco wondered at the depths of magic, its breadth and scope. The ways in which life pervades and eludes death, the ways in which they endure all manners of small and large deaths within their lives.” -- if you don't read any other fic on this list, i hope you read this series bc holy shit it’s breathtaking. harry’s a recovering addict, draco’s recovering from abuse, and in a cottage within the forbidden forest begins an unlikely partnership as the boys take up the tedious work of healing. there are thestrals and everyone's in therapy. there are whole chapters of cottagecore drarry. it's a beautiful exploration of how we bare the immensity of loss against the miracles of birth and regrowth. 

Ship of Theseus by GallaPlacidia - 18k - T “A ship in a full sail, a ship in a state of decay, a ship that had been rebuilt, slightly different. A repeating cycle. “What makes the ship the same?” asked Harry. “I don’t know. There must be something in it that lasts across the changes.” -- DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS QUOTE LIVES RENT FREE IN MY SAD, SAD BRAIN. DO YOU KNOW HOW I LOSE SLEEP THINKING ABOUT THE FUCKING SHIP OF THESEUS. it’s a memory loss fic and everything is so unFAIR. you want to murder harry sometimes bc he’s such a shiT and you suffer through the ways he questions desire, penance, redemption, true love. and by the end, you want to believe in those golden slumber lyrics: “once, there was a way to get back home” 

Yours to Keep by @dracoismytrashson​ - 135k - E i love the university setting, i love getting to see harry and draco’s first forays into a real LGBTQ community, the class and race structures outside of the wizarding world. i love that this is the context in which they’re allowed to confront the shittiness of PTSD, anxiety, depression etc. as they come together and fall apart against each other’s traumas. it makes the ending feel earned af. “Baby, we’ve been easing into it for a decade.” -- my god this line

Away Childish Things by @letteredlettered​ - 153k - T  this fic is devastating. like, completely forget whatever reticence you might have towards a de-aging fic and read this. the de-aging premise allows the author to cut through the ways harry and draco hold each other at a distance and you end up with these stunning moments of clarity where they’re truly seeing each other for the first time. and suddenly everything makes sense. i won't spoil it here but there’s a scene towards the end where harry is talking to hermione and ron about realizing the first time he felt what its like to be loved and I fucking SOBBED. an all-time fave fic about learning how to belong.

Had To Be You by @lettersbyelise​​ - 59k - E a genuinely excellent slow burn about absolute fucking morons who refuse to express their mutual love over the course of literal years?? HOW MANY TENDER MEET-CUTES DO 2 GAY IDIOTS EVEN NEED. a car ride a bookshop a street corner -- when harry met sally is my enemy. but you know what? this fic is masterfully written, it’s an epic tale of unexpected friendships and the inability to say the things we feel. also its very much also a soft boi fic if not for the Major Fuck Up that pushes it into drama territory for me. so worth the turmoil tbh.

Hurricane by phrynne - 120k - E auror partners terrified of love. it’s a fic about walls - where the emotional landscape of this fic is occluded by dishonest words so you feel the tension play out in hollow voices, shuttered looks, emptied eyes. it’s like watching two ppl get flayed alive in slow motion and everything is SHIT for a little. it’s mean, it’s ugly, it doesn’t let you give the characters an out when they’re being cruel - to each other and to themselves. but harry and draco are two violent forces hurling toward each other’s walls and the inevitable reckoning comes and it’s so very worth the ending. the hospital bed scene to rule all hospital bed scenes.

Returning Tides by @zigster-ao3​ - E  “Is my timing that flawed? Our respect run so dry? Yet there's still this appeal That we've kept through our lives” --those fuCKing ian curtis lyrics in the summary!! p a i n. why do i put myself through getting-back-together fics knowing full well i’m gonna be Sad As Hell during the not-together portion of the story?? we are all unfortunately hoes for heartache. anyway this fic is beautiful. draco’s a dad and recently widowed, harry has a thestral reserve, the settings here are stunning. a story about grief and love that lingers.

A Piercing Comfort by @talithan - 44k - T “There is no objective scorecard. There isn’t anything that a person does that tips the balance from ‘deserving’ to ‘undeserving’, or vice versa. A ‘deserving’ person will not run out of worthiness after a set time of happiness and have to then go about working to deserve it again. And an ‘undeserving’ person does not have to suffer at length before having the opportunity to be ‘deserving’.” -- the heart of this fic. harry’s in therapy, facing depression, and learning how to accept love he doesn’t think he deserves. (also draco is harry’s therapist but yes, that power dynamic is handled ethically-well imo and addressed in the author notes I promise!!).

Borrowing Courage by @xx-thedarklord-xx​ - 70k - E |After years of being a Magical Artist and painting for other people, Draco decides it’s time to paint for himself for once. The secrets pile up as he tries to unravel the mystery of his relatives but the only thing he didn’t count on was having to go to Potter of all people for approval.| --god i love this fic. the thing about drarry here is that they never mean to hurt each other but they do. they do and draco’s trying to do the right thing and he wants so badly for good family but harry’s never rly stopped grieving sirius and it’s this whole unintended mess of festering wounds forced to heal. everyone needs a hug. also ron/blaise pairing and ron+draco’s friendship here is everything!!

Reparations and the sequel, Foundations by Saras_Girl - 320k - E | Harry is about to discover that the steepest learning curve comes after Healer training, and that second chances can be found in unexpected places.| -- incredible. harry and draco’s dynamic as healers, the cast of original characters, the boys learning what it means to trust each other, draco building a rehabilitation center, harry falling in love with him, and “meus fabula est mei ut dico: my story is mine to tell.”  i cry

The Ties that Bind by phoenix_writing (not on ao3) - 61k - T | Upon Andromeda’s death, Harry and Draco are given custody of Teddy. Their lives will never be the same.| -- harry’s got major abandonment issues and he’s just trying to be a good co-parent with draco but everyone is being the woRST and you want to murder them on behalf of harry. but then, the boys learn to listen to each other and god it all becomes so tender. also harry has a gay panic. things are awful but it all works out. -

[part 1: thrillers | part 2: dramas | part 3: soft bois | part 4: wankbanks]

AIGHT SO I’m like super high on caffeine and chocolate rn so I mighty write a lil Christmas one shot (it’s still December let me be pft)

But first a lil song I found a few days ago and has been stuck in my head ñon stop!

It’s from a musical called 35MM, they make up songs and stories from photos this one guy took, they’re amazing!

The song of called “Leave Luannne”

Warnings! There are mentions of abuse, r*pe, and such! So if you feel uncomfortable by that please don’t read this!

Now on to the song;:

Luanne's fat lip is drying, The bastard's bacon frying, The shiner on her eye's gone bust and bleeding. He shouts, "Girl, set the table!" But he knows she ain't able. Her arm's done broke, Hung limp like yolk,

AHHH we get the picture pretty clear from the beginning. i can always imagine Luanne on the floor, all bruised up and close to tears....

And softly she's repeating...

"Leave, Luanne. Why don't you march out that door? Southern woman, he ain't no good to you. Leave, Luanne. Louisiana wants war, But it's you dying on her ruby plains."

And yet, loyal Luanne remains. Ever since he got him laid off, His sanity's just made off. No, he was never nice, but now he's cruel.

So first, ahhhhfhrjehrn THE VIOLINS ARE AMAZING AND THE VOCALS TOO also we can see why Luanne doesnt leave the dude. I can see her internal debate, telling herself to leave but not being able to.

He rapes her, and he beats her, She don't 'fess how he treats her, 'Cause a Bible verse Says it won't get worse, And she won't be a fool. "You won't never leave, Luanne,

And then theres this part about the bible, i dont exactly know what verse theyre talking about, but we see that Luanne is super religious, which makes her internal debate even harder. Should she leave or stay? She has been taught probably her whole life with that idea, and probably doesnt want to end up in hell due to her beliefs and what she’s been told.

'Cause if you walk out that door His truck will be gunning for you.

No, you won't leave, Luanne, Or he'll give you 'What for?' You got heart where you should have had brains."

This part always makes me sad bc Luanne may still love that asshole, which sucks, but she still does and is pretty loyal to him makes it even harder for her to make a decision too

And so, loyal Luanne remains. Someone's howling, Screams like sighing with battered breath Grating, growling, Never dying In a fate worse than death. But months of such conditions Turn laymen to logicians And tonight the bastard's sleeping like a log. So she plucks the kitchen cleaver,

Creeps up toward his roped-up lab retriever,

DUDE I THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA KILL THE DOG AND I ALMOST CRIEDD AHHH

AND THE VIOLINS MAKE THE TENSION AMAZING. It makes you so nervous about whats going to happen. You can imagine Luanne finally making a decision, tired of everything. Its dark at night and she slowly makes her way to the kitchen, trying so quietly to not wake him up.

And she cuts the rope, And hope on hope, She starts to shout, "Your dog's got out!" She's got her chance. With no back glance She runs out to the bog, Screaming, screaming: "Leave, Luanne!" "Leave, Luanne. You've got a life left to live In a house hanging off the Golden Coast! Leave, Luanne. You won't forget nor forgive, " And she don't feel the stings, the rips, and scrapes As finally Luanne escapes.

And the way you can FEEL the tension, the way you can see her running and your heart starts speeding up, wishing she can escape, that she can lead a better and happier life, shes doing her best, not feeling the pain. You can tell how desperate she is. You can see her running through the woods, leaves and branches getting tangled in her hair, sometimes cutting her, but she still keeps going due through sheer determination, ignoring how her feet hurt and how much shes running out of breath. All the way through shes making a promise to herself, that she will NEVER let go what the asshole did to her.

Swim, Luanne! Swim, Luanne! And in the swamp of beeches, Oh, as the preacher preaches, As the light In the night Holds through the marsh and brushes As the blood inside you rushes Left and right, Hold on tight—

And then you can feel the hope, the relief that she has managed to get out, the violins making a sort of country dancey song (?) pft and youre like YAS GIRL RUN AND LIVDE YOUR LIFE its amazing, its so happy from the depressing music we heard before, Luanne gets out of the place, some people help her, she becomes happy again, meeting people and dancing all night at parties, maybe she even finds someone new and starts dating them, having a new life with someone who loves her....but then....

—Until you reach the bank And you crawl onto the bank, 'Til you feel a little yank on your hair And, stricken, stare at the bastard Who beat you there.

DUDE THIS PART. THIS. PART. I CANNOT EXPRESS THE WAY MY HEART BROKE. YOU JUST START FEELING THAT EVERYTHING IS ALRUGHT, THAT SHES MADE IT, ONLY TO FIND THT THE BASTARD FUCKING MADE IT BEFORE HER. AH DUDE. THE INSTRUMENTS. THE WAY YOU CAN FEEL THE SADNESS IN THE SINGERS VOICE. AND THE WAY IT GETS SET UP, OH BOY I DIDNT, I LITERALLY SCREECHED THE FIRST TIME I HEARD IT. I SERIOUSLY CANT EXPLAIN HOW GENIUS THIS IS SO FREAKING AHH THE GUITAR, THE VIOLINS JESUS CHRIST

the guy just yanks her hair and gives her a horrible smirk, and Luanna can only look in horror, her heart breaking and all her dreams vanishing as she realizes that she...she didnt make it.

The bastard lies in bed now, Half-sad his wife is dead now. She drowned herself in a swamp in wild despair.

I actually want to know wether if he killed her, or if she killed herself. To make it more angsty i like to think she actually drowned herlsef, because its so heartbreaking to see how her hopes die and she just...gives up. Gosh its so friggen, ahhhh. Once Luanne sees the guy she shrieks and tries to pull away, falling backwards. Either the bastard hit her, or something but she ends up  being paralyzed and unable to move. She reacts desperatly but the bastard refuses to help, and then she slowly gives up, letting the water fill her lungs, and slowly closing her eyes and accepting her faith.

He thinks he used to love her, But push it came to shove her, A wife disposed, A wife case closed, And no one seems to care,

DUDE THIS GUY AGHHH

And the violins are amazing. He doesnt care. No one knows shes dead. Luanne is left without no one there to remember her, to grieve her. Its just....so heartbreaking.

To grieve Luanne. Now no one's on his shoulder, But his mattress don't feel colder,

And in fact, it's hellish hot, and the air is dank and steaming. Yet his body starts to shiver When the window cracks a sliver And a fiery fog From the miry bog Pours in the room In a sticky gloom And there the man Sees dead Luanne.

DUUUUDE DUDE LISTEN TO THE VIOLINS HOLY DIDDLY FUCK GODDAMN THIS IS AMAZING LUANNE GO GET HIM GIRL. 

Luanne makes her way to the house, fulfilling her promise of getting her revenge, of not forgiving the asshole for everything he did. And then, when she gets there, dripping, the bastard only stares.

He's terrified, But he keeps his pride, 'Cause he knows that he ain't dreaming. And he starts screaming, "Leave, Luanne. Hell sent you back here for more, 'Cause ain't no one ever loved you."

THIS, THISSSSS. ITS BY FAR MY FAVORITE PART. When hes the one telling her to leave, when its HIM. Just- the nerve of this man. And i know i keep saying this byt LISTEN TO THE VIOLINS. They are perfect, the tension, the way they just- the way they make you feel, the way they always give you shivers and make you go oh fuck shits about to go down.

He is just cockily smirking trying to act as if hes not afraid. And then he has the audacity to tell her to LEAVE. The thing shes been trying to do for so long, but now...its too late. Her eyes widen in rage and she stands straight, lifting her chin and glaring at him.

But said Luanne, "I've come to settle a score, " And she shows him her feet are bound in chains.

Shes stuck there. But this time, the roles are reversed. This time Luanne will be the one feared. She will now hold the power.

And loyal Luanne remains And remains And remains And remains!

AND THE REMAINS. GOD ITS AMAZING, NOW INSTEAD OF LEAVING SHE JUST STAYS WHEN SHE WANTED TO LEAVE AND I- THE REMAINS MAKE IT SOUND SO FUCKING GOOD, IT SAYS SHE IS STILL LOYAL AHHH

I like to think that shes also got it stuck in her head that she cant leave, and shes now torturing the bastard by STAYING, the way it just changes fro, what it was at the beginning, HOLY SHIT AHH. And as the remains get louder she gets angrier and the room start getting hotter and hotter, and Luanne just smiles and you see the bastard cowering more and more in fear.

Someone's howling, Screams like sighing With battered breath. Grating, growling, Never dying In a fate worse than death. Luanne, She cries her miserable wail So the bastards will never sleep again!

And she is CRYING. Tears make their way down her face, crying and asking how dare he, why would he, all she wanted was to be happy.

No, no reprieve, Luanne, She brings their souls down to hell, A caution to the cruelest of men: God loves Luanne! Praised be! Amen!

The ending is so good, she gets her revenge, makes the guy regret what shes done. i always imagine the whole place setting in fire and Luanne getting angrier and angrier, thr bastard finally realizing what the hell hes actually done. This is amazing, i love this song so much. Not only the story but also the way you can imagine and feel everything. this song is so freaking good istg

Theyre in HELL. She used to be so religious, and thats the fate she didnt want. She never wanted to be in hell, yet there she is, getting her revenge. I dont know if God went like aight here ya go gurl, get your revenge, or smth like DAMN, so good.

In conclusion, amazing song, so good, i swearrr. This musical is amazing, they have other amazing songs like Sarah Berry, or Piece of Me.

Some of them range from being depressing, to adorable, to HILAROUS like Caralee lmfao that one is amazing lol

I really hope yall take a listen hehe, im sorry for rambling so much, im just trying to keep myself distracted from everything going on at home and with my dog. Hope yall have a good day and ill write more things, I promise!

Write what you know. If you romances don't have smut they won't be popular. Never use first person or present tense.

There’s a gold mine here.

+ i think the vast majority of people who say “Write what you know” mean “write what you know from your day to day life and write your own personal experiences and don’t ever try to step beyond that limited scope of the universe to write something else because you’ll fail and go to writing hell and also everyone on the internet will swarm your home and murder you in your sleep, and honestly if we all followed that advice we’d be missing out on a metric fuck ton of good stories.  

+ what “write what you know” should mean is: write to your strengths, write to the human experience.  write to what makes you feel something?  to convey an emotion with honesty you have to have a starting point.  I, personally, don’t feel a wide array of things.  I supplement my apathetic view of the world by listening to music.  To me, Music is Emotion.  

+ one might accuse me of having a lot of tragedy and conflict in my stories.  this is my personal life experience.  things suck.  things keep sucking.  things might get better but they probably won’t so you have to find happiness and joy in your present circumstances and just accept that shit is going to continuously suck.  

+  I’ve never been on a space ship in my entire life.  I’ve been on an airplane.  I’ve been a stranger in a strange place.  So when I write stories about dudes on space ships I don’t focus on SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER or even the SCIENCE OF SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER because these are not things I know.  I focus on the dudes in space, with a smattering of background science and SPACE THE FINAL FRONTIER.

+  if I’m writing something outside of my personal scope I generally go to find vlogs or blogs of people who have that personal life experience (if I haven’t already gotten a real life friend to tell me their entire life story).  This is 100% more useful to me than reading a wikipedia article or news or guessing.  I can say, this real life person is sharing their story with the world in hopes of educating or enlightening or just to share and now I have a real human to base my fake human’s experiences on.  The rest I extrapolate.

+  and, if all else fails, “write what you know” could be replaced with “Write with confidence” because I promise you I have 0 personal experience having a dick or living in space but I have a great imagination so I don’t let those things stop me.

(+ but don’t be Supernatural.  Don’t send both of your main characters to hell to be tortured for literal decades or centuries and then have them pop back out exactly the same as they went in only Sometimes Sad because what is even the fucking point of that?  If it’s not going to change them, why would you bother?  Also who gets tortured for that long and pops out essentially the same except Sometimes Sad???)

+  Romance without Smut won’t be popular.  True story, I learned to write porn of the notes because anything rated R or NC-17 generally got more attention than things without.  When I infiltrate a fandom I always start by reading all the NC-17 stories and working my way down.  I find this gives me a great idea of what the fandom is into.  (Guess which fandom is super into fucking dogs.  I stg.)

+ However, Romance in general does not require sex.  For instance, I am asexual but that hasn’t stopped me from romancing some folks.  

+ Ok, but realistically, people have been raised to believe that Person A Meets Person B, they flirt, romance, fall in love, then someone sticks a dick in someone else, they live happily ever after.  So you’re up against a mountain of brain-washing on this.

+ its crap advice though.  Romance doesn’t even always end in sex.  Sex isn’t even vaguely romantic at times.  I mean, really.  

+  Write in whatever POV you want.  It’s your story.  

+ Present tense!!  Present Tense provides a delightful immediacy to your stories that is absent from past tense story.  the only advice I have to counter this is once you do present tense its hard to stop.  (at least for me.)  And it’s sometimes difficult to maintain because you’re up against a lifetime of past tense stories (or I was).

+  again, though, really, write what you want.  With whatever POV you want to try.  With or without sex.  In present tense if that’s what you like.  Experiment, have fun, enjoy your life.

send writing advice here 

Story time

Suicidal thoughts run keen through my head. Driving through Krakow country side I saw a housing estate next to lovely tall trees - forest like - and thought what a lovely area to be able to play as children. Then I wondered which is the tallest tree could I hang myself from? No former context, no sadness, just my empty emotions triggering my brain to tell myself I should be dead. This is how my life is now.

I dream most days and nights of my life ending in disasters. Lachesism. I say I'm scared of when lorrys drive to close or fast past me. But I'm scared for the moments when they don't kill me. People point out that I drive recklessly because they are afraid of the end; I'm not afraid. Driving that way feels like freedom, my chance to escape, even with intent to cause self harm.

I don't want a grave stone, I don't want my ashes to be spread. I want my organs donated and the rest burnt. The ashes can be used in cooking because I am one spicy mother fucker! Joking!! Don't worry, I really just want them turned in to jewelry so I can still shine while I'm gone.

The ironic thing about my situation is that I want to die to end my suffocating thoughts but at the same time I still have little bits of me that knows some of my self worth. Contradictory as it may be, I probably laugh and smile everyday without a doubt but my thoughts of disaster never leave. I work and study hard but I'm still occasionally believe I am a failure in my mind; like I'm always worse than everyone in the room. I love people and helping out everyone, but I think everyone hates me and would be better off not having me around. It's complicated in my mind.

I feel on the road to recovery, I can admit that I'm not okay when I don't feel okay, I know the past history that has gotten me to how I am and I'm seeking help; 3rd increase dose of Anti-depressants, Cognative Behavioural Therapy and many other forms of help I can get. I have supportive friends and family, I'm very lucky that I have my dream career job and I get to go on amazing holidays like just travelling in Poland for the past weekend. I just don't know what it is that drives myself hatrid other than... well myself.

It's a viscious cycle that I can't get escape. I'm motivated and feeling fine one day, something goes wrong very easily that affects me for weeks and then I find a little bit of motivation to build myself back up and it happens again... and again... and again. I try and count my blessings but in order to do that I draw Venn diagrams to see the wrong, okay and right things in my life. It's an occasional thing and the amount of varience I get each time seems like a uncoordinating joke. But It gives me a sense of assurance when things are okay or right for a few weeks in a row.

I've been taught many coping mechanisms in my past 4 years of anxiety and depression. Even writing them down in this form feels weirdly like a strategy. I'm explaining my dark and ugly, following my long journey ahead, and explaining what works for me. Even if one person gains usefulness then this is all worth it.

As we are on the topic of helpfulness: I like being helpful - it gives me a purpose other than selfish motives. If I've been helpful to one person and not to the rest of the crowd I feel like a failure. I desire to be the famous hero who didn't do it for fame but for the sheer enjoyment of people liking them and for a purpose in other people's lives. So I try to help - I volunteer at my local explorer scout group, I help raise and organise charity events, I help and support friends and family. I even try to go the extra mile at work to raise awareness of women in engineering to help inspire and shape them little girls to be the change our industry needs. I also help educate teams on mental well-being and illnesses with in the work place to bring the awareness to here and now.

All positive were written there, but the underlying negative abuse I hurl at myself for everything I've not been enough help on or not doing at all hurts:

"I'm not helpful I'm just in the way, I'm pathetic, I'm a waste of space, they don't need me, they'd be better off without me, it's not working you're a failure, you are making it more worse, stop trying you aren't a good person for doing it."

Just as them thoughts constantly pass through my mind another extreme example from this evening I write on - I was on the train back from Birmingham walking through derby station, I had the thought that I could run away on any train go ahead and not look back and when I'm on the train I can take every single tablet I own and swallow it to die. Or i could come back another night with a home made bomb and make sure I'm in a carraige with no people in it. Why not die? Make it a dramatic escape. Even in the last few typed words I had the thought of jumping in front of a train which would take no effort and only affect 1 person's life than my own. Why do I have these thoughts? Am I a physco path planning my death at every opportunity?

Reading back the first few paragraphs I see how contradicting my thought patterns are. Living with Anxiety and Depression for me is being followed by a voice, it knowing all my insicurities and how to use them against me. It gets to a point where it's the loudest voice in a room, that I can't hear anything else. I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this, when the voices didn't make me feel empty and alone inside. What's even worse is a lot of the people I have opened my heart to have let me down, causing me to shut down further.

My past history is not brilliant, I never felt secure with my friends, I was harassed in college and I've always struggled to maintain my apperance. I've been through some tough break ups of friends and partners and my relationships with family has not always been stable. One thing I find hard is to love myself and know myself worth when the people around you don't like you and tell you that you aren't good enough. But through all this at the same time I've had some amazing times.

I do want to be happy. I just feel useless most days. I try not to complain but the grass isn't always greener and I feel in constant mud. It sounds pathetic but I feel like I'm in a rut. At the moment everything is fine with friends and work. It I don't feel important. I don't feel as if there is any worth to my day's. I get up, go to work, and then do nothing until I get home and sleep. I mean sure I go to netball, dance, yoga and I volunteer at a scout group but it doesn't feel like I'm doing any of it for myself and I'm slowly giving up on trying to please those around me.

But I guess I do it for the hope of my future, for the one, for the wedding, for the kids, for the house, for the lazy Sunday morning lie ins with the loved ones. It's all a fantasy.

Tonight at explorers we were doing first aid training and one scenario was that one of the boys had a cut on his wrist and he was bleeding out. Through those discussions I was thinking how I could slit my wrists and drown in the bath and no one would be able to put me in the recovery position. Another perfect idea but inconveniencing whomever finds me. It doesn't sicken me thinking of myself this way. Maybe it's how I'm meant to be.

My mum tells me I should think positive thoughts but it's like an urge to plan how I should die. Another disaster I saw was a crash this morning. I wish I was in the place of the other person.

Not paying attention to lectures is becoming a really bad habit. I still haven't started writing for my digital assignment which is due in 5 days! But I have decided I would like to end up working for the Naval group in Adelaide Australia! I finally have an aim!! It feels good and when I travel there next year I will get to see if it's what I desire!

Another person has just unfriended me on Snapchat? What the hell have I done wrong now? I'm getting sick of being made out to be the bad guy all of the time :/ And now Facebook!! All for shutting him down over complaining that people can't be themselves or get offended. I've had enough of this work force, it literally is a battle every week just to keep peace. I don't want to listen to your political opinion every 2 minutes I'm sorry but I'm here to work. The ignorance of some people.

Do you know what I'm going to work my arse off and start this assignment today and prepare the manufacturing question to prove to the haters that they only make me more powerful :) oh the contrast in these paragraphs is funny.

This afternoon I spoke to my mum on how all my emotional trauma started. She understands now and it feels like a relief to be honest. I've just been to netball and I feel like I've played really well!

I have decided on a main goal within my career! Naval group Adalaide Australia! (Not long term but a few years in Australia won't do me harm in my life time! Now I've explored the majority of Europe it's time to step in to the big leagues!) Naval group design submarines for the Australian Navy and with my career path I hope that I will have the opportunity to be able to try and apply for a job there some day in the next 15 years! Now I just need to maintain motivation.

What to do when motivation is running low in the future:

• Find the worth of what you are doing

• research and re-inspire!

• be powerful enough to overcome the ruts!

• believe in yourself - you are capable!

• remove any distractions

I just read a quote that said 'don't worry darling this is just a chapter, not your whole story' and I thought well it's a fucking long one! I'm sat drinking mocha staring outside of a uni window in a corridor I look so depressed it's funny! I just needed to get away from the noise and the stress. I only want to talk to one person but he doesn't know that and it's starting to stress me out but it's my own fault for falling for him when he told me not to. On the plus side I definitely want a nice view in my house when i move to Aussie! I mean looking outside to wet britain it's really nice but sunny aus will be tonnes better!

I'm stressed, my brain hurts and I'm tired. I really want this assignment gone. I'm physically in pain from yoga and I'm exhausted :( moan moan moan moan I'm even pissing myself off. I could do with a power nap or somewhere comfortable to sit. I also miss my earphones :(

Just met a lovely man and had a chinwag it was distracting but it's nice to get to know people without it being depressing all the time!

I was in a one night stand with a 28 year old in a 7 year relationship. Put myself on tinder.

I'm tired of people they never fail to disappoint me

Netball is good though! Proper enjoyed chatting with everyone! Good stress relief and even though I haven't done much it took my mind off the crap earlier.

It's been a while

It's working

I feel ok

I'm no longer a mess

I can stop these thoughts

I counter act them

Not everyone hates me

Bea & Ro

Surprisingly productive argument/turned actual conversation, about Drew, Ro’s self-loathing, sister issues and their parents/going to London soul-searching.

Bea: Back with him then? I thought you'd learned your lesson (finally) last time...Well? Ro joined the chat 3 hours ago Ro: Yes, it was rather unexpected, and sudden I suppose, hence I didn't get a chance to let you know individually Ro: Well, actually I have learned a lot. As has Drew. Bea: That's always good, rushing into commitments, being at his beck and call... Bea: And obviously he has, how else would he deceive you, again. Got to have new tricks. For goodness sake! Bea: What does he actually do with his time, Ro? What do you think? He isn't in Schooling, fine, but where's his REAL job? Bea: What are you getting out of this? Except heart-ache and being made to look a fool at the end of it, every month or so Bea: I thought you were in a good place? Ro: That isn't at all what I meant. There was a lot going on with my birthday celebrations and everything as you yourself know. Ro: Oh Bea that's just uncalled for! He's changed and with is finally being more truthful with me. Ro: I thought you, out of everyone, would understand standing on your own two feet and making a living for yourself your own way. He didn't enjoy school but he's using the skills he has to support himself Ro: What is so wrong with that? Ro: I am in a good place now. With him. He loves me. What more could there be to get 'out of it' Bea: Wait, he didn't try all this AFTER you read the letter, did he? Bea: It's always an emotional time for you, regardless if it was before or after anyway; it's wrong for him to exploit that for his own gain Bea: No, he hasn't! If he had, he'd leave you alone, or at least let you come back to him. He hasn't changed at all. Bea: So tell me what he does, if it's so admirable, tell me right now what you think he does, what has him out all the odd hours Bea: I, out of everyone, know where dealing in the things he does, can get you. You don't remember what it was like for Tess and Fearghal back then, you were too young, but they've told enough war stories for you to know better! I know you do, so why are you choosing to ignore what you know to be true for his sake? Bea: He isn't worth it. For God's sake, being associated with him could risk your career before its even began. Is that what you want? Think on! Bea: Oh, Ro. There is so much more than those words, even when they're not empty. Ro: Why must you take something so nice and twist it into something HORRIBLE! I hadn't even opened your gift when Drew and I reconciled. Mum and dad have nothing to do with this and he would never do anything to involve them after everything he has been through with his own family. Ro: You don't know anything about him. Or us. You barely know me. Ro: He does all kinds of things, odd jobs, fetching and carrying for people that sort of thing. I didn't need all the ins and outs because I trust him and honestly it hardly matters if you don't. Ro: I've also been told enough stories to understand that people deserve second chances, as have you. He isn't as lucky as I was. He remembers every struggle before Caleb's family took him in and he does what he has to do to make sure he and Meena will have a future whatever happens next. I can't blame him for that and you shouldn't. Self reliance is the opposite of a risk and I'm proud and lucky to know him, thank you very much. Ro: You clearly have no idea what he's worth so you'll excuse me if I don't bow to your 'wisdom' on the subject. Ro: Besides, it's my career. Not yours. You've made your own choices why can't you let me make mine? Ro: How can you say that Bea! You live by them. Fraze is everything to you and you've never listened to a word against him, have you? Bea: You're just seeing it as it actually was, and not through rose-tinted fairyland glasses. Bea: I know enough. More than you, as you continue to choose ignorance over swallowing the bitter pill and moving the fuck on. Bea: And there is no 'us' as in 'you and him'. There never will be because that is not what he wants from you. Bea: You are ridiculous. This is not 1950s America in a cheesy movie...He isn't a fucking boy scout doing bob-a-job. Listen to how stupid you sound, for what? He doesn't defend you, or do anything that inconveniences him, in fact, for you. Its one-sided and unfair and you deserve better, I know you think otherwise, and that you won't get better but its true, and possible. Bea: Boo fucking hoo. He doesn't get to use his sad backstory to be a criminal. All that will happen is that he'll end up in jail, leaving his wittle sister alone. And Meena will be just fine without him, because she's got a fucking brain in her head. God, I wish I could say the same for you. Bea: I don't care to know any more about him that is plainly evident for all to see. You're not going to get a doctorate for giving a shit about him. He isn't special. He's not intriguing. He's a waste of your time and energies. Bea: Don't even bother going to Cambridge if you're going to throw it all away on him. Save the country the debt, get yourself knocked up now and waste away waiting for him to love you back. Bea: Because we have common interests, goals, and you know, we make each other's lives better by being in them? And we've always both been willing to put our money where our mouth is, in terms of love and working together to get what we want and need. So please, don't ever try and compare this teenage infatuation of yours to my relationship with Fraze again, it is just laughable in the saddest way. Ro: Stop. You don't know half as much as you think you do and frankly what information you're working with isn't correct anymore if it ever has been. You're the one being ridiculous, not me. Ro: Not to mention judgmental! You don't get to tell him how to act or what his future may or may not be because you aren't a monopoly on tragedy. Ro: I wish you'd stop pretending to have any stake in my own future either. It isn't so and I'm not going to do as you say just because you say it. Not that it's any of your business but getting pregnant is the last thing I intend to do but if I did it has nothing to do with you and there is no reason I'd have to choose regardless. You didn't and Ali isn't. Ro: I've already told you he does love me and he does make my life better but since you clearly need to hear it, we also have plenty of things in common. Bea: No, I won't. Because someone needs to tell you, and it will go in. And one day, you will see sense. Bea: Yeah my judgment is the least of his worries, try the judgment of the fucking law because did you forget, its illegal? Bea: He's a moron, everyone in Dublin knows he's dealing, he'll be lucky if the police find him before rivals do and break his fucking kneecaps. Bea: I do, I'm your sister, you don't have to like it for it to be reality, you can't write me out of your fucking fairytale, Ro. And if you want anything to do with your niece or nephew, I'd reconsider the path you're going down because fat chance I'm letting them near that scum, or near you when you're behaving so irrationally. Bea: All you have in common is co-dependency on toxicity and fucking up your lives and your poor attempt at trauma-bonding. What fun! Ro: We're sisters when it suits you, Bea. I'd be surprised you have time for this conversation except I'm well versed in the fact that you live to berate me. I thought things were getting better between us but apparently I'm wrong about that above all. Since we've come to what is really, and consistently, the heart of the issue once again, I won't try and change your mind or apologise, once more, for not being good enough for you. I'd hate to sound even more like an irrational teenager when you read back this conversation to bask in your superiority. Ro: What's fun are these constant fights and reminders of what a failure you believe I am. Ro: If you don't want me around Nancy and Buster then fine, they are your children. I don't feel the need to tell you what to do or you're doing wrong. Bea: So you want me to leave you alone? But are also so sad about the fact I'm never there for you? Sounds like someone's confused! Unsurprising when you believe lies and won't see or hear anything real. Bea: And I haven't berated you, I've berated him; you are not one. Which is the real heart of the issue, you taking responsibility for and internalising all his bullshit. Bea: And I have bad news for you on that front, except you sound like what you are, a child. Bea: I've never been ashamed of you. Until now. Bea: You won't be in and out of their life when it suits you, just an Auntie when he leaves you, AGAIN. So, you've made your choice. I sincerely hope you can live with it. Goodbye, and good luck, Ro. Ro: I must take after you what with you contradicting yourself so heavily. If Drew and I aren't one, as you're so keen to stress then why are you so quick to try and tell me that I'm not separate from his choices or mistakes. Ro: Sadly you're too late as well because I'm not a child anymore. However my relationship continues or ends I'm living my own life. I didn't expect to have to do so without you but I fine. Ro: As for the kids, I wouldn't do that when I know how much it hurts. Ro: For the record though, this is the choice you made. It's been forced upon me but I guess I will have to live with it all the same. Bea: No, Ro. You chose to make the wrong decision. Bea: You love getting a chance to be the victim. Well, be his victim. But you're not mine, you did this to yourself, I gave you the choice. Ro: There shouldn't have even been a decision to be made but you need me to be wrong so badly don't you? In every way you can. Forgive me for being sick of it. Ro: No Bea, you love me to be a victim so you can heap your scorn on me. It's not the same thing. Just like a choice isn't the same as a ultimatum which is what you've thrown at me. Bea: No, I need you to fucking love yourself! Maybe you're sick of feeling wrong, feeling like you're never enough. That is coming from you and you alone, so don't you dare try to push your self-loathing onto me and say that's how I feel about you, because it isn't, never has been, and it never will be. I love you. Bea: I pity you, it hurts you like scorn because you've still got an ounce of pride left in you somewhere. I'm just asking you, begging you, to hold onto it and make use of it. Ro: Then just love me! Let me be happy without trying to ruin it and be cruel all the time. That hurts me and it does, and is, coming from you. I can't keep having the same fight with you. It's more exhausting than anything Drew's done. Pity me for saying so if you want. I can't control that either. Bea: If I have to be cruel to be kind, then that's the role I have to play. I hardly enjoy it, it hurts me too, Ro! But I'm not going to lie to you, to pretend something is okay when it isn't, just because that's what feels best to you at the time. Because its not going to feel good when you look back, for me or for you. I'm not prepared to wrap you in cotton wool. You're an adult now? Then I'm treating you like it, no coddling. Ro: But you don't have to! You don't have to like him but why can't you accept that I do? I love him. Why can't that just be okay? Nobody else is lying or pretending, I mean look at Tess, but she's not being like this. Like you. Ro: You're my sister but you don't have to be anything to him, I'm not asking for that. We aren't married, Bea. Bea: Because I AM your sister! They're all family, but they're not; there are boundaries. And Tess is a parental figure, parents let you make your own mistakes. But I am your sister and I happen to think you've made the same mistake enough times now. There's nothing more to learn from this, from him. Nothing of worth for you and your personal growth. Bea: But I know you're not going to stop, so, there we go. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't try, it will help one day. Ro: But maybe it isn't a mistake this time. Or maybe I am just tired of always having to think in terms of what I can learn or take and want to just have what he can give me... Ro: why can't this be worth a try? Bea: Because you're worth more than just taking what you can get from someone who isn't giving enough, nevermind their all. Ro: You're just saying that because you don't like him. Bea: No, Ro, I am not. And you know that. Ro: I know I'm not you. Or Ali. And I know what people say about me. Why they bully me. I'm not stupid. Bea: You're socially awkward, that's all. People with competent enough social skills themselves can easily get past that. And you're clever, all that just combines to make people feel insecure so they project that onto you, make you feel the same. Bea: Its not as if I had any real friends at School either. There's a whole world out there, Ro. Filled with people who will like and love you, will get you. Bea: And you have Ali, and Meena, don't you? Ro: No you're clever, I just work hard. Try harder. Ro: You don't get it, he's not the one who's wrong, I am. Ro: He loves me, why can't I have that? Ro: And yes, of course, but it's not the same Bea: But what's not admirable about that? Being 'clever' innately (which in School just means having a decent store and recall memory to pass tests) isn't anything to shout about particularly, but putting in the work is. Bea: What's wrong with you? Different is not wrong. They're all the same, it makes it feel wrong to be different, but do you want to be like all the other girls in your School, really? Bea: You're better. Bea: Don't make me say it, Ro... Ro: In theory yes but in practice it's simply exhausting and frustrating and anything other than admirable. Or likable. Ro: I just don't want to be this. It isn't about comparison Ro: He makes me happy that's all. Bea: It feels like it when you're there, but School isn't a popularity contest. Its to get you to where the fuck you actually WANT to be, that's all. You don't want the only place you ever wanna be to be the School playground 'cos you've peaked, 'cos you're leaving in a year's time and there is no going back. Bea: You're going to have a life that is more than just nostalgia Bea: That's all this is, that's all I'm trying to prevent here, don't fall into the trap, okay? Ro: I know that. Ro: But this isn't just nostalgia though, I know that as well. Bea: Okay, but one day it will be, and I want you to be able to look back at this time with more than just regret Ro: And I want a chance to be in the moment, for once, instead of constantly looking back or worrying about the future Bea: Then go for it, like I said. But 'living in the moment' doesn't magically absolve you of making choices that will affect your present, your future, and how you look back on it as the past one day. You can not think too much about it when you're in it, sure. But you will have to live it and re-live it. That's just life, baby sister. I know it better than most. Ro: Okay, so what you have me do, leave him because of how he might behave and how he has in the past, in spite of his apologies for it? That isn't right. Bea: The past has a habit of not staying in the past...It creeps up on you, and on him, no doubt, old habits dying hard. If you can live with how he treated you, how everyone knows he treated you, the cheating and lying and just cruelty, he threw your way- then, well, I can't stop you. I wasn't trying to, I was only ever telling you how it is, how I see things. Bea: Is sorry enough? Because you know, it can't fix everything, don't you? Ro: I have to believe it can Bea: Then...I wish you luck. Ro: Is that all? You don't hate me again, do you? Bea: I never hated you, Ro, and I don't Ro: I hope so. I'd like to come and see you. I've been thinking about the woman that wrote you the letter a lot and was wondering if I should send her one back or something. Bea: You could- Or we could go visit her, she did offer Bea: I have been pondering what to do too Ro: Oh, that's an even better idea, if a scarier one.... Bea: Yeah Bea: We'll be okay. I'm certain she's legitimate, as in she was a true friend, not just someone who went to the same School and had a vague recollection and some old photos. I did a lot of digging before I reached out and she'd done Facebook posts on mum's Birthday, and the anniversary of the crash, year upon year, and she had more photos on their too. Bea: She could probably give us a real sense of who they were, and the area, she's still there...Its not somewhere in London I'd been previously and I haven't gone without you Ro: I don't doubt that or you, it's just...what if I'm not how she expects. Ro: The whole thing could be a huge disappointment Bea: It's not an audition. We're their daughters and that isn't up for debate, nor judgment. Who would she be to do that? Not that she sounds like that but you know, fuck anyone who would, they don't know us, what we've been through. Bea: It could be, yeah, but we've not got anything to lose, have we? Ro: You're right. Okay let's do it. When? Bea: Well, its a pretty good season to do it in, I think. Goodwill, being with new friends, reminiscing on old, reaching out to your fellow man and all that. We can get her something, to say thank you... Your last day is the 21st, right? So, if we do Sat 22nd, you can come back to Cambs with me for the Sunday and we'll all go back to Dublin together on the Monday, for Christmas Eve. Bea: Is that too soon for you? Its a few weeks but if you need longer, we can do it AFTER Christmas. I just think the festive season is as good an excuse as any, it'll make us all for more comfortable, I feel. Ro: No no I agree. That's a perfect time. Bea: I'll talk to Tess but I know she'll be fine. Bea: I'm really looking forward to this Ro: Anything to distract her from it being Caleb's family's turn to have Ali and the kids for Christmas, bless her. Ro: Me too. Thanks again, Bea. I know I've said it a hundred times already but Bea: Oh dear, I better catch up with her so she can rant, save your ears from it for the hundredth time, especially Ferghal's! Bea: Its okay, hopefully we'll get even more from this visit, fill in the blanks once and for all Ro: I really hope so, yes. Bea: I better get on, lots to do. We'll talk soon. x Ro: Okay. Kiss the twins for me 💕 Bea: Will do 💞