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#like theres just a lot of food i dont like. idk!!!
saccharine-curious-4 · 6 months
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i am. so incredibly normal about this game and its characters
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korodere · 1 year
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i find it weird the way people have been making fun of transmascs who don’t want to be totally masc when they transition (i.e. a lot of body hair, balding, getting bulkier) like it’s completely normal for someone - especially someone who is nonbinary transmasc to want a certain androgynous look still? but to still pass as reasonably amab/not afab and not be clocked
like its not just “you’re just mad that being a trans man doesn’t make you an uwu anime boy” like no 😭 im uncomfortable being hyperfemme/clocked as female as much as i dislike being Too Masc, i want androgyny
like tf would you say that to amab twinks who get laser hair removal and even taken doses of estrogen to be more gnc/feminine “ur mad that being a man isnt being an anime twink boohoo” stfu
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piplupod · 2 months
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i feel a feeling that is genuinely intolerable and go "okay what do i do with this"
therapist brain says "feel ur feelings, its unhealthy to suppress all the time." rational brain says, "hi if we sit with this emotion then we are going to either be bleeding or dead in approximately ten minutes. so whats another option." therapist brain goes "wellll i guess in that case maybe u can distract urself idk, that can be a coping strategy sometimes." rational brain glances at emotion, shakes its head and shoots back "yeahhhh no can do there bud. this one's a real whopper and distractions ain't gonna cut it this time."
both sections of the brain shrug at each other and then The Disorder brain raises its hand smugly and simpers out "hiiii remember me? yeah this is the reason i exist teehee :) give me five minutes and I'll have an amnesia wall erected and another part of the brain shoved into the forefront and then we'll be right as rain! and this emotion can go rot in the locked cabinet of horrors until another part accidentally stumbles upon it again in the future or until the lock breaks. :)"
#girl help I've just been drawing and then BOOM. unbearable feelings drowning me !!!! drownding !!! i am drowndinging !!!#i dont wanna do this anymoreeeee im so tired of this#i go ''wow this sure is intolerable! how have i ever dealt w this!'' and then the DID does its thing some more👍#''gee that sounds so helpful!'' my body is in shambles from the overwhelming amounts of undealt with trauma :]#there are many other downsides but . i ain't getting into all that dhfjdldl#im just . grrrrr. maybe its bc i was drawing another part of the brain but c'mon 😭 i was drawing them HAPPY !! playing!! having fun!!#trying to make smth nice for us !!!! god damn this is so ridiculous#i want to go to bed fjfkdl im so tired and frustrated w everything man im trying so hard and it all seems to go towards nothing#im just not doing well idk also this counselor i have has been so flaky and its making me feel so ... eeurgghh#i understand they dont think im a suicide risk so im low on the priority list but I'd like to just... be a priority for somebody just once#boohoo poor me etc etc. other ppl need the help more than i do i know. im just. tired.#there isnt rly a lot anybody can do anyways to help i guess#still makes me insane thinking abt how the social worker had nothing for me except ''well ... u could go to the homeless shelter''#im just... theres so many fucked up things abt that. sigh. oh well oh well oh well.#just keep making my shitty art and trudging thru the days and finding good things in a day when i can scrape em together !!!!#argh. sigh. I'll go figure out some food to eat tonight.#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#suicide mention#self harm mention
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nomaishuttle · 6 months
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i do fr need to work on differentiating between "actually middleclass" and "doesnt live paycheck to paycheck" lmao bc that is something i struggle with... obviously ik i have more in common with like. even somebody whos fr middleclass disney vacations every year. I know i have more in common with them than i do with bezos but god at least i dont have to see bezos being annoying in front of me every day KJANDJKLNLJD
#bc its like this. i obviously have way more contempt for a billionaire. obviously. but ive never met an actual billionaire yfm. and i Have#met middleclass ppl and A lot not all but a lot. are so insufferable and ikkkk not all of them or whatever but like. i constantly got shit#for being poor from middle class kids and like. ik im supposed to be class solidarity with them bc were all poor when compared to a#billionaire but goddd fucking damn they make it difficult . ik its like well the upperclass Wants the lowerclass and middleclass to be at#eachothers throats bc it means they dont pay attention to the upperclass walking over the both of them. i knowwww. but i can multitask#major in hating rich people minor in hating the middleclass...#THIS ISNT RLY RELATEDFTO THE LAST POST AT ALL i just have a lot of like. complicated feelings abt classism basicallyy.#like. i wouldnt wish poverty on anybody it fucking sucks. but as a kid i did sometimes fantasize abt swapping lives with my classmates who#had more money than me Not even bc i wanted to live their life but just so they would like. see the apartments i lived in and see the room#i shared with both of my siblings (weeman didnt exist yet lmao) and just like. look in the fridge. bc i just rly wanted ppl to get it lol..#there was this one assignment that was like. wants vs needs and ppl kept putting needs as like. A big backyard. vacation once a year. my ow#personal bedroom etc and ik they were kids but it was like. insanely frustrating to have these kids who had like. never had to live without#Wants. yk. bc then i would just write down like. food. shelter. water. thats it lmao i even had clothes as a want instead of a need. and#they were making fun of me bc my list was so short and its like . look man i have gone without these three things on multiple occasions. yk#and now i try to be like. its good that there are ppl who have never experienced that i dont want ppl to have to experience that especially#like. that was in 4th grade lol. i was 9. i shouldnt have been worrying abt bills and stuff and none of my classmates knew anything abt tha#and thats a Good thing they shouldnt have. but theres this selfish part of me that wishes they did KANDJNS bc its so insanely isolating to#have ppl like. interrogating you abt why your shoes are so worndown or why your winter jacket is too small yk. and you cant say 'my family#cant afford better/new ones' bc they dont even understand what money is. yk. IDK. im just very sensitive abt these kinds of things KANDNW..#perhaps a bit too oversensitive at times but yk. im working on it and im working on not being spiteful abt it bc like. yes it was isolating#but it was a good thing that the kids didnt relate to it yk. kids shouldnt relate to that and i shouldnt have felt that way bc no kid shoul#im also Ik i bring it up constantly but im still so mad abt that time my friends heard me say Yeah i have to go to court against my dad nex#wednesday . and they didnt say anything and then one of them went Ughhh my dad wont buy me the newest iphone hes buying me the newest#samsung instead But i have an iphone app that i spent 50 dollars on that wont transfer !!!!!! and then she endedup getting the iphone#anyways. sry ikk its grudge and i need to let it go but im still peeved... brinn there are people that are dying .#and also now i know that like. a lot of the other kids in my class Did understand and were just like. posturing. yk. a few of those kids#were from the same neighborhood as me lmao i was just too autistic to realize we werent supposed to be honest 💀 but yes. sry for this like#manifesto i am just thinking out loud..... well not bc this is text famously a written form of communication but we all understand. anyways
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toytulini · 11 months
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mental health just straight up plummeting
#toy txt post#everyday the smallest things have me spiralling into such stupid despair#constantly fighting myself cos every single thing has me wanting to throw up my hands and walk the fuck off bc theres bo point#whats the fucking point!! just despair and exhaustion and burned the fuck out and gnashing at the fucking walls and then spiralling into#a stupid little self pity self hate spiral cos im just a weak stupid little baby who cant handle the real world. plenty of ppl have it so#much worse and havent given up yet so whats my fucking problem? which is so stupid. but i cant logic my way out of this one#so i am simply sitting here feeling so god damn bad#and i dont even really have. a good reason for it. idk. like i dont have a lot of concrete quantifiable reasons i can present about why#i am so goddamn miserable at my job. im just. going insane i need out im performing badly its not worth it theres no fucking point#every day im fighting the urge to just fucking walk off over the stupidest tiniest things that are definitely not worth that kind of#reaction. like yea maybe i do need like mental health meds or smth but i also know. i need out of this fucking. job. but i dont know#like. idk its like my options are just kore of this same stupid bullshit or retail/food service. and like. shout out to retail and food#service. i fucking could not i fucking cannot. but like im reaching that point here too. everything hurts all the time with no reprieve and#all my options just feel like its gonna be ! even more stupid repetitive motions that wont help! like idk! idk what to do. i just#wanna read about stupid little fucking worms and fish but doing that professionally im not sure im up to it and#between me and that career path is thousands of dollars and homework. so#now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead now im the rat instead#trying so hard not to display idk red flag behavior but im Going Insane. i should just start crying at work. why bother hiding it. whats the#point#vent#ig#i should go eat. and waste the rest of my stupid fucking night playing zelda trying to soothe my brain enough to function except im not#functjoning cos then itll be 5am again and ill have done nothing but play zelda and be up too late and go to bed and not get enough sleep#and be a little to a lot late and be miserable and the cycle just fucking never ends#not enough fucking podcasts about worms out there for this#i opened several academic papers on tongue eating isopods to cope and barely read them bc i cant do that at work it takes too long and i get#lost and my productivity is already in the shit and i need to stop being on my phone and i know that but like also if i dont fucking#distract my stupid fucking brain right fucking now im gonna start throwing things and crying#anyway. thats how im doing. bye
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opens-up-4-nobody · 7 months
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...
#just turning over the idea of executive functioning issues in my head part by part. impulse control. im extremely tightly controlled. im the#best at control. the only times im impulsive is when someone asks me something and my brain doesn't work well in the moment so i tend to b#like fuck it: says something that might fuck me over later bc im like whatever itll prob b fine lol. but mostly not an issue. emotional#control. i dont lash out at ppl except myself i guess. ill sometimes have freak out meltdowns bc i get so frustrated with myself plus mood#weirdness. so not great. flexible thinking. im pretty rigid. if plans randomly change theres like a 1 in 3 chance ill freak out and start#crying and it takes me a long time to adjust to the idea that i have to chsnge something. and things tend to have to b a certain way#not for any reason in particular. thats just how it has to b. i have to eat the same foods. operate at the same times. do thr same things.#thats just how it is. and i find it difficult in social situations to adapt to the flow of convention bc its like but we're talking abt thi#now but something just interrupted and we aren't going abck to that thing. i dont make it other ppls problem but its uncomfortable for me.#working memory. my memory is pretty fucked. self monitoring. im good at that. too good. im pathologically self reflective. planning &#prioritizing. i can plan but i cant prioritize for shit. i will spiral for hours doing nothing bc i can't decide what comes 1st.#task initation. im good at torturing myself into getting things done but i anxiously avoid a lot of things but once i start its like: im in#this mode now. no i cant fucking stop i need this to b done. i need to sit here and finish it otherwise i wont come back to it. i cant do#moderation its all or nothing. all school and nothing outside of that. cant send mail. cant clean sink. i see it and kno i need to do it an#then i just walk away from the disaster area. organization. is ok. it looks a disaster but i only exist in like 3 places so i dont lose#things often but i dont remember where i put things once i put them down i have to deduce where i would have put it. does that paint the#picture of executive functioning issues or rigid and restrictive compulsive behavior paired with self destructive impulses leading to#absolute mental exhaustion which is y things arent getting done? could b either or both. idk my ability to do things 95% of the way and wal#away leaving a mess that ill never come back to strikes me more as the former but what do i#still its worth considering bc i do have an amazing to control myself in a way that's completely out of my control. maybr my start/stop#switch is just fucked idk. slow down and reorient says my counselor u never stop to rest. shes right but also im a grad student stopping#would mean death u gotta keep swimming and doing more than u should. thats how it is#but im so tired and i only get more and more tired. so somethings gotta give eventually#unrelated#i forgot focus. my focus is good sometimes and sometimes my brain is moving too fast and i cant focus at all. its static#but focus is not a thing i cna control
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avephelis · 1 year
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I know when i was a baby, doctors completely overlooked celiac and gluten intolerance as options, mostly saying i was undergoing growing pains, but if you do think gluten is a reason for pains and such, try not eating gluten for a while (pretty hard to eat out if you do this, and gluten free breads and meals are typically more expensive). Tho Im sure now doctors know more about celiac and other such allergies. If you have a family member with some sort of gluten intolerance or allergy it could be possible you as well have it. But good luck i do hope you figure out your mysterious illness soon
i don't think it's specifically gluten because i am. kind of? just. intolerant to. everything?? like i will eat and i'm like "oh i love food that was such a lovely meal" and then my stomach roundhouse kicks me into a wall. also no family history afaik.
we ticked off all the potentially fatal causes and honestly that's good enough for me.
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kirishwima · 2 years
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me: is okay
me all of a sudden: something is inherently wrong with me and i dont know where it came from nor how to fix it i only know its there and its debilitating and no one will ever understand it
me: is okay again
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nagitoedit · 1 year
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myownprivatcidaho · 2 years
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oughhh . uhm
#oughhhh ok im just gonna say this bc theres not lots of activity in my notes rn so im ASSUMING lots of ppl are asleep#given most are in the states rn but idk#so ive had like stupid bad ocd symptoms and tendencies for YEARS now yk like theyve been dictating my life to an overwhelming extent#for the the greater part of a decade now#and so i brought this up w my psych last time i saw her and shes setting me on lexapro#this will be my second or third time being on it and its and ssri right#so it treats serotonin#currently im on wellbutrin which treats dopamine and its great and ive been on this dosage + lamictal for over 3 years now#so. since the dosage is low the withdrawal hopefully wont be too bad but. like thats not what im worried about#and im gonna say like. right bow#ask to tag.#thing is wellbutrin KILLS my appetite like a motherfucker and ive said it before on here one day i need to just admit to myself that#i. have ed ..... Tendencies#lol#but yeah uhhhh. so its off and on but generally i dont eat as much on wellbutrin as i have on other meds esp on ssris#and as a result like. ive lost weight and look different yk#and now like. im worried because im gonna be switching back onto an ssri and iirc this one had me weighing like 15 more than i do now#and on TOP of that im gonna move out so ill be handling my own food. so i wont be in the house i was malnourished in growing up#and all my other siblings had a hard time adjusting too moving out since they had so many OPTIONS to just eat to a satisfactory extent#rather than going hungry and. moderation is Not my biggest virtue#so ill have an increased appetite AND nothing to stop me from fulfilling it ...#jesus man#im sorry i know this isnt healthy and tbc im NOT at all aining to encourage eds. ive dealt with these. Tendencies for years and i know#its bad#im just. saying words here yk#but idk maybe this medication will also keep my appetite down idk#idk#sia vents#ed mention //#sorry man lmk if theres anything else i need to tag. im not saying any of this like its good or glamorous im just. worrying about here
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orcelito · 2 years
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GREAT news. My fever has uh. Not quite broken bc it's still at 100 degrees, but it's much better than the 101.1 it Refused to go down from earlier!
Cold wet cloth is a godsend
Gonna eat food and then try to get. Some sleep. Maybe. Who knows lol
#speculation nation#the fever will return but im taking this respite from The Ache Of Everything to maybe get some more food in my stomach#really badly want cottage cheese. turns out thats my 'Im Miserable' food#the kind i get is gentle on the stomach & it has plenty of nutrients. + no prep needed.#im back to feeling too warm in my skin but thats probably an improvement over shaking like a chihuahua the Second i leave my cocoon#my nose is bothering me so much lmao. + theres Cough. but more in reaction to funky snot stuff than actual cough itself#still very full bodied & painful coughs tho! i hate them!#doing what i can tho. just. trying to survive.#idk if this is gonna break by friday tho. im scheduled like 7 hours then. & unlike today it's not a boba shift so it's not as easy to waive#policy is that if theres a fever ppl dont have to come in but im like. 😬 theres already multiple ppl who cant show up friday#so i rly am wondering what theyre gonna do for that lol#im. gonna see how tomorrow goes.#who knows maybe it'll be better! old patterns for me typically have these fevers happen in 3 day increments#the Leadup. the Misery. and the Downfall.#by the 4th day i tend to be better. but it also depends a lot on What this is.#im hoping it follows old patterns bc i reaaaaaally dont want to be miserable like today for another day#ive done basically Nothing all day. watched some critical role. read some fanfic. & otherwise lounged in misery.#nights of the Misery Day are typically... the worst of them...#im going to pop a melatonin and hope for the best. id like to possibly get Some sleep maybe.
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thelaughingmerman · 7 months
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I had like such a good day until about 7 o'clock and the anxiety hit me like a freight train
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sanchoyo · 1 year
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ik i said i wanted to do at least 2-3 personal solo zines this year aside from the one i already put out but im having such a hard time deciding on a topic?? 'random art zine' or 'sketchbook zine' feel too random kadhfkj. and the only thing ive been MEGA into lately have been my own ocs but making a zine with them would feel weird..also very niche lmao
#also i really dont like the idea of putting my silly oc stuff behind paywalls if im being real ajsdkf theyre goobers free to the world#if i didnt need money i wouldnt even consider any of the zines being paid zines#id just make em all free forever bc i rly do just enjoy sharing stuff like that#but alas...the horrors (being poor + severely mentally ill so i need money sometimes for things) agh...#everytime i sell stuff or make some money with comms something happens like i need to buy pet stuff (food or litter or my dogs expensive#flea pills but they NEED those bc ticks and fleas here in the summer are actually SO bad he needs the vet grade tablets to handle them)#so basically my debt isnt necessary getting too much worse which is good! but its also not..improving bc i keep havin to buy necessities#im not buying anything crazy or nyhting just absolute must haves yk..and yet#oh well at least ppl buying the clothes means ill free up a lort of space if nothing else like even if theres no actual..profit HSDKF#theres two boxes worth of clothes haha...it makes me happy to think ppl will wear them tho since im not anymore#ive been very unhappy w my own clothes augh :( i want to be happy wearing things but idk. idk. nothing i have is sparking enough joy lately#ive bene living in pjs...going to public places in pjs...#very out of character for me but god lol my brain lately#i got some more books at the libraby today when i was picking my nephew up tho :) so that made me happy#theyre all art related !! so mostly pictures + artists talking abt their techniques#all landscape related bc i wanna do more complex painted bgs this year and dip my toes into traditional art a lot more. my sister is#actually a great painter so maybe ill ask her for pointers. but then again thats kinda embarrassing so maybe not#sanchoyorambles#BASICALLY YES MORE ZINES ARE MTH I WANT TO DO BUT IDEAS. NOT WORKING RN
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I’m so tired of being disabled.
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tinylittlebab · 1 year
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havent weighed myself in awhile. i know i gained so. im just not gonna weigh myself yet until i get back on track bc im scared
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gothamcityneedsme · 1 year
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seeing sooo many posts being like. if you buy this game thats coming out you are TERRIBLE. And im just like. buddy.
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