kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it

so i was scrolling through my fyp on tiktok when i found this song (thats abt 3yrs old) called 'Heaven's Not Too Far' by a band called We Three and i just wanted to rant for a bit

now that my sisters are baptised, it meant that though it didnt change much, there was a lot we had to give up (like birthdays and christmas), it also meant that with things like 'talking to deceased loved ones' would also come to an end in our family, as initially we're just talking to air.. when someone, unfortunately passes, their spirit doesnt float around, watching over us, their state of mind and physical body becomes unaware as they enter a long sleep.. and with our jehovah gods promise of a paradise, it is also promised that we will see our loved ones again

so this rant is i guess.. an explanation of my life, my families life and our losses, and a final letter to quite a few people..

i do not seek for attention, i guess i want a glimpse of closure on a format where no one in my family will find

so.. as a minor at the age of 16 (2005), i was born and raised (for the first few years) in a small town of north new zealand..

ive told a few ppl of this so.. bare with me

2007 is to this day, the worst year that couldve hit my family

the years of covid and quarantine would never compare to the year 2007, as horrible as it was

my father, a rugby player and hunter/manager of a motel/guardian of these few totems that rested on our tribes respective mountain, had a heart condition that ran in his family, and inevitably, he also had this condition.. within the month of april, 2007, on the 14th, it was during a rugby game that his heart just couldnt take it amd he had a heart attack mid-game.. now this was a few months before i turned 2 so my mother, i think one of my sisters and myself were not present when this happened.. my oldest brother and my oldest sister were however and so it was through them that we were notified of what happened.. and we lost him.. at the time my mum was abt 2 months pregnant with my little brother

if anything, my mum struggled the most during 2007, having to go through the rest of her pregnancy, whilst looking after her 4 other kids and the loss of her husband and best friend..

when the due date of my brother came, mum was rushed bc she was quite literally close to bursting.. she had planned to give birth to him in the same hospital i was born in.. at the time, there werent many doctors and so.. late november 11th, when my brother was born, the umbilical chord was wrapped around his neck.. and they couldnt save him in time.. we lost him early-mid november 12th.. so a few months after i turned 2

due to my young age, it meant i dont remember anything of what had happened..

it also means, unlike my siblings, whom i have quite a large age gap with, i didnt get to spend as much time with my dad

i can only think abt what he wouldve been like through photos and videos

and the amount of sadness and happiness that surges through me when i find ones in which he says my name

___________________________________________

so i want to say a final goodbye.. to both my brother and my dad

to my dad, whom i cant say i have much recollection of my own, i wish i was given the chance to have known you more.. before you were ripped from us.. i wish i had more memories of my own so i could join the others when they share their own stories of you.. i wish i had a lot more to say but now trying to put it into words is a lot harder than i thought.. i miss you so much..

to my brother, the youngest of our clan, i wish you had a lot more time than you were given and how unfair it was that the chance of life was taken from you.. as much as i love taking younger friends and even nieces and nephews under my care, i wish i had the opportunity to have experienced what it wouldve been like to have a younger sibling, no matter how annoying you may have been.. i wish i couldve heard your (most likely) fugly laugh that probably resembles mine and i wish i couldve felt your embrace just once.. i wish i had more than a single photo of you, for now i cant even imagine what you mightve looked like.. i wished i didnt have to hug the ducks that hold yours and dads' pictures for it will never be the same.. i wish i couldve gotten to know you.. youll never know how much you are still loved to this day bubba.. and i cant wait to see you and dad again in the new world

___________________________________________

as i said previously, my sisters are jehovah witnesses.. and this organisation has changed our lives forever

jehovah.. not many ppl know our father for his true name, for instead, in all bibles, his name has been replaced by titles like 'god' and 'lord'

for him, we hope to reach out to millions who are not yet in the truth, to let them know of the upcoming tribulation but also the promise for everlasting life and a paradise world where we will reunite with those we've lost

of course i am not the only one who has dealt with loss.. so to everyone that has, can you imagine a world where we'll see all our loved ones again.. one without sickness, or war, or injustice, or just bad things.. it can be hard to imagine in this day in age.. that only a miracle could make that happen

so why would our father put us through all this suffering? well, whether this is to test our faith or not, that is not smth i myself can answer.. i can however provide a website and app that can provide those answers.. the JW app and jw.org have changed our perspective on the world and what we thought was 'god'

we can hope and dream for a world of peace and everything that is good

gah another 5 am post eh fellas

fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 

saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 

so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 

okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 

all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim.