I am not good at being genuinely mad at people. Usually I’m passively mad and it’s more annoyed than mad but like oh man. Genuinely upset?? No you gotta tread real careful

Tell me which one of these AUs sounds the most interesting and which one you’d like to read more about? (uhh rep0st?)

I’m reposting this since TUMBLR HATES MY POST/TAGS OR SOMETHING, SORRY IF YOU’VE ALREADY SEEN THIS!

Here I am, back at it again with my AU bullshit. Complete with my ugly ass dauntingly long list of AUs that I’d love to write about but can’t seem to 

decide which one to start writing. This has been going on for the past week, dammit! If it’s not too much trouble, could you please help a girl out and let me know either on here or in a PM which one of these you’re curious about or would like to see implemented in an actual story.

Here are four Cloud-centric AU ideas which include (multiple) gay, bi, and (some) straight main/side pairings. Regardless of which one I decide to write first, I (wistful thinking) want to eventually complete most or all of them, even if some of them only end up being one-shots. Thank you! <3

Mercenary Zack and Delivery Boy Cloud AU

Zack, a mercenary, and Cloud, a delivery boy, have been best friends since they were youngsters. Zack is straight but is undeniably (and confusingly into Cloud. Cloud is bi (with a strong leaning towards males) and he’s only recently started to explore that. One day, while Zack and Cloud are hanging out, Zack’s PHS dies and he asks to borrow Cloud’s laptop to check some work-related emails. Cloud says sure, completely forgetting what he’d been “researching” before Zack came over to hang out.

Cloud, suddenly remembering the content of said “research”, screeches out, “NoOoOoO!” whilst comically tripping over himself as he races to stop Zack from opening his laptop.

Zack, being Zack, laughs good-naturedly at Cloud’s behavior and says, “What, don’t want your bestie to see all your fReAkY sHiT LOL?”

Before Cloud can stop him, Zack unlocks the laptop (he knows the password, because, hello, besties) and proceeds to open up about ten tabs of LOUD GAY LEMONY YOU KNOW WHAT (all with actors that are blond and black-haired, hmm s u s p i c i o u s).

Cloud is fucking mortified and literally RUNS out of his own apartment and disappears (disintegrates) into the void while leaving Zack sitting there like a stunned D U M B A S S *insert shocked Pikachu meme here* Hilarity, fluffy romance, and “LeMoNs” ensue.

Main ship and only ship will be Clack/Zakkura. Syrupy sweet, comical, with only a pinch of plot-related angst. Will most likely be a one-shot/two-shot.

Vampire Slayer AU

Set in a world where Shinra keeps the existence of vampires and vampire covens a well-guarded secret from the general public of Midgar in order to keep its citizens calm, orderly, and manageable (see controllable).

Due to the frequency of recent vampire attacks in Midgar’s slums and outlying towns and villages, they charge their best slayer, Cloud Strife, and his partner with the task of finding and killing the progenitor of all vampire-kind in order to end the covert war between humans and vampires and kill off their kind, for good.

That is, until Cloud is double-crossed by his partner, who wants the title of Shinra’s best vampire slayer for himself, and Cloud is left for dead in a forest miles away from civilization. Cloud thinks he’s finally done for this time, until he’s saved by a half-vampire named Vincent, who then proceeds to take Cloud to his maker, Sephiroth, the son of the first progenitor.

Cloud’s only shot at making it out of this alive is playing at Sephiroth’s personal interest in him in a game of cat and mouse until he can get the vampire to trust him enough to let him get close to the progenitor in order to (finally) end the war once and for all and return to his former life.

Main ships are Sefikura with a possibility of some Strifentine. Side ships are Aerti, Scarlet x Elena, and a bunch of others. Angsty, passionate, romantic, and dark. Will probably be a six-shot or more. Who knows?

Life After Meteorfall Canon Divergence AU (I’m excited about this one)

An AU in which both Angeal, Zack, and Aerith (although, just barely) live and help kick Sephiroth’s ass in the final battle. Sephiroth has been defeated by the gang for good (no really, for good y’all), and now the world has turned to healing, mourning, and attempting to rebuild itself after the scars Sephiroth has left behind in his monstrous wake.

Cloud still has lingering feelings for Zack leftover from his time as an infantryman, but desperately hides this fact from both Aerith and Zack because he knows how long they’ve waited and how much suffering they’ve had to endure in order to be with each other. He also cares deeply for both of them and wants them to be happy, despite his own conflicting emotions.

Although Aerith is (slightly) suspicious, Zack is oblivious to it all because he’s finally got the girl of his dreams and has his love-addled goggles on (god dammit Zackary) and asks Cloud to be his best man at their wedding (ugh angst me upppppp baby).

Angeal, however, is not oblivious to it in the slightest. He sees the overly forced smiles, the longing stares, the glances of complete and utter h e a r t b r e a k Cloud shoots Zack when he thinks no one is watching/paying attention to him. And finally, fed up after months of sitting back and just silently observing Cloud falling into emotional ruin, Angeal finally intends to do something about it, honor be damned.

Main ship is Cloudgeal. Side pairings are Zerith, Rude x Tifa (don’t judge me, y’all, I ship SO MUCH this fandom), and possibly many more. Angsty, fluffy, romantic, and with a ridiculously happy ending where everyone reaches a happy, healthy understanding. Will most likely be either a three-shot or a six-shot.

Omegaverse SOLDIER AU (let me liveeeeeee, dammit!)

After failing to get into SOLDIER three times in a row (the max amount of times one can attempt in their lifetime) and having his childhood dream of becoming a hero shattered like glass, Cloud, a Beta cadet, is more than done with SOLDIER and everything to do with the corrupt Shinra Corporation (Uh huh. Suuuuure).

This opinion is only further solidified when Cloud discovers the tragic fate of his hometown: Nibelheim, in an “unprecedented” explosion of its Mako Reactor, burns to the ground, resulting in the deaths of Cloud’s mother and every single person Cloud grew up with. With no home to return to, Cloud, following his best friend Zack Fair’s advice, begrudgingly decides to join the Shinra military as an infantryman and work as a menial grunt for the military’s more prominent SOLDIER members.

That is, until one day during a mission Cloud’s entire unit, including a group of skilled Third and Second Class SOLDIERS assisting them, are slaughtered in a brutal, bloody conflict, leaving Cloud the only one left alive after the mission’s end.

This not only catches the eye of the Director of SOLDIER himself, but several of its First Class members, who are so impressed with the Beta’s strength that they wish to assess Cloud’s capabilities for themselves, personally. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

This leads Cloud down a path filled with convincing lies and hard truths as he discovers the reality of his origins, unveiling secrets about Shinra and his past that he could have gone a lifetime without knowing. He realizes the hard way that sometimes what you dream for, what you desperately wish for, isn’t always something you want in the long run.

Main ships are a tie between Sefikura and Clack/Zakkura (possibly Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack or maybe even a love triangle, ew). I also really wanna try writing out Strifesodos, but I’m leaning towards Banorashipping as a side ship in this cuz its cute and passionate.

A S T R O N G side ship in this is going to be Aerti (featuring Turk!Tifa and Full Cetra!Aerith), along with minor ships like Scarlet x Elena, Tseng x Rufus, and honestly who  knows anymore, lol. This will most likely be the longest story on the list, I’m planning for at least ten+ chapters.

Also, not shaming it in any way, but just FYI for the people who are interested, there will be no pregnancy in this story. It’s just not my thing. <3

Again, all of these AU’s are subject to change, but I’d love to bounce ideas back and forth and see what certain shippers would like to see in the fandom. I’m really receptive to discussing fics in general, even if its an idea about one of your own stories you wanna talk about. :)

If you actually read all of that, THANK YOU KINDLY! <33333

Yay, another one

Whoopee, another late night tear fest! Not as late night, I suppose, since this was more of an evening storm. But I journaled about it again :) I rather enjoy this journaling thing—it’s a good way to get my feelings out. Even if I’m not consistent about it, I kinda like having my most emotional days chronicled somewhere.

This note is a whole lot longer than the last one, and sort of turned into a letter to my dad near the end. I’ll post it under a keep reading, but be warned—it’s emotional.

I want to just leave. Is that too much to ask? I just want to…I want to get out of this house. I want not really independence, but independence from my family. My parents. Dad, mostly, but also mom. I want to be away from Didi’s phone calls (to have an excuse even if she calls). I want…space? Or…not…exactly space, because mom and dad go to work and I’m alone a lot, but…it’s never enough. Is that selfish? Greedy? Me rationalizing wasting my life? (Just dramatic.) But I am wasting my life. It’s not even…I don’t see the judgement in other people’s eyes anymore, but is that because it’s not there or because I don’t care anymore (I have enough of my own)? The words are almost rehearsed: I’m taking a few classes, mostly relaxing, enjoying. While [new college friend] gets certified, while others do internships, while the juniors apply to college (and I want them to get into good schools, I do, I just don’t want to deal with the…judgements? Thoughts of my own? The attention, again, on how I failed). That again. I failed, but also…people didn’t expect it. I’ve always done so well at acting like another gifted child. I’ve always done so well at hiding bad grades and sadness behind a smile and a veneer of cheerfulness. Everyone…everyone thinks I’m smart. That I have top grades, that it’s easy. Even now, when I’ve so obviously failed—the juniors (mostly) take it as the college process being hard, or me not displaying myself perfectly, or something else, but there isn’t a doubt about my stats (are they doubting now, though? My honesty has started to shine though, I’ve stopped holding myself back so much—are they starting to see the cracks?). In the chem class for goodness sake! Ainjell thinks I’m so smart, and so do some of the others (even if they haven’t said it, I recognize those looks. …that’s funny…). I’m not though. Dad is hoping again and I hate it because I’m going to fail again and he’s going to be disappointed again and and and I want to leave already. I want to just go to college. I’ve been waiting for this since middle school, since everything started falling apart and didi and bhaiya came home with stories of how wonderful college was. Since I was alone in 6th grade and making mistakes in 7th grade, and distraught at the beginning of 8th grade (remember that party? Remember [old best friend K]’s almost angry look, remember how hurt I was when none of them showed up, remember how much I missed [old town]?). Since [high school classmate J] and [high school classmate H] became besties and I was left on the side, since I looked around and realized that the day students had their own little cliche—and that I wasn’t in it. Since I joined the “Breakfast Club” but was never really part of it (and why is that haunting me, even now? Especially now, why is that what I turn to for the sad dreams, the catalyst for pity and loneliness?). And then, realizing that [high school] wasn’t a new chapter, but a continuation of the same old story, when I started pulling away from my family and letting go around friends and joining Discord and giving up. And then junior year and work and dying inside but also being offered hope again because I could start over in college. Because by then I didn’t want to make things work with mom and dad. Because I had given up on them understanding me (and yeah, I hoped later. I tried. Maybe not as hard as I should have, but can you blame me? Maybe it’s me rationalizing again, too many days and nights of imagining and twisting, but something inside me holds onto the thought that you never gave me reason to trust you. You never proved that you would support me, would understand, would even try to understand. Because had you, in the past? Had you actually tried to understand? Or was it the same questions, over and over again—what happened?—with the same stupidly condescending and disappointed and superior and infuriating but so, so hurtful tone? The number of days I came home to the tired wave-off, the “stop asking useless questions,” the barely answering about your day until I only did it as habit or to delay you asking me about mine, the snide remarks about sitting down all the time when I goddamn walked more than you did at my freaking boarding school that’s constantly compared to a college campus and then returned home after freaking dark so you can just shut the hell up). Because by junior year, I was more than ready to leave. Because if my spark was reignited at all that year (and the next), it was because I found friends (not best friends, but good friends) that I trusted and let my guard down around, and because I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel. Because I could almost reach it—because I had a countdown, and maybe I didn’t acknowledge it right away, but a large part of that countdown was getting away from you. Because I’m not didi and bhaiya, and they still got space growing up. Because maybe I’m more broken (and what does it say that I’m okay admitting that? That I believe that without a doubt?), but I needed validation and support and friends who I could trust (because I goddamn couldn’t trust all of you with the truth, not without a hell of a lot more heartbreak and tears. And maybe it was weak of me to give up. But I did, and nothing can change that). And say what you want about my “evil” high school—wax poetic about how it changed me and hurt me and whatever else—but I found friends there. I might have also found Bs and Cs and even Ds, and left a much less confident person, but for the first time in my whole life, I found people that I could just be with. I found space to grow (maybe in the wrong direction) and space to keep secrets (maybe from you) and space to try things (and maybe fail miserably) but I never had that before. And maybe you think of it as mostly negatives. Maybe you see my more frequent tears and more frequent stubbornness and huffs and sarcastic one-liners and blame [high school] and yearn for the little girl I once was. But I don’t care. Well. I mean, I do care, because I want a time machine too, but I don’t care as much as I used to. And okay, maybe that’s because failure is like an old friend to me and my heart hurts a little less every time I see it, but maybe it’s because I’ve learned that failure isn’t…life-ending. Maybe I’m not didi or bhaiya or you or mom. Maybe I haven’t skipped grades or gotten in the newspaper at 13 or gotten into Harvard. Maybe I’m not a genius. Maybe I’m not as smart as you (as we) thought. But I am smart. I am doing better than some people. I’m not at the bottom. I’m getting 90s and 100s. I skipped a whole semester because of APs (I got actual awards because I did well on my APs). I’m going to a good college, even if it isn’t an Ivy. I’ve found stable ground (even if it shakes sometimes)—and the fact that you guys aren’t automatically part of it anymore? The fact that your pride and genuine interest in my rambles are extra instead of expected? Well, maybe you think that’s a negative. But me? My heart, my sense of self, my slowly-rebuilding confidence? I think it’s a positive. I think there’s no question about it. Because I know you care. I know you love me, I know you expect the world because you honestly believe I can do it, I know that you wouldn’t care at the end of the day if I become a doctor or a dropout. And yeah, maybe that is part of my foundation because I don’t question it. But the fact is, I’m a teenage girl. I’m a teenage girl who has two, shining older siblings and parents who did amazing for themselves. I’m a teenage girl who went to five different schools in five years—maybe the most important five years of her life—and was expected to stay afloat while also skipping ahead in math almost every year and doing extracurriculars. I’m a teenage girl who has always had a tight friend group and has always seen her family have tight friend groups and who expected a lot from middle and high school but never expected that she would struggle to make friends. I’m a teenage girl who never dealt with proper failure until it slammed me in the face and then came back to kick my butt once I could see clearly again—and then did it again, and again, and again. And I’m a teenage girl who yeah, didn’t reach out for help in the perfect way, who was scared of disappointment and hid her mistakes until it was too late, but you’re the dad that didn’t realize what was happening. You’re the dad that was so excited with his new job(s) that he didn’t pay attention to home. Who relaxed after sending his oldest kids to the top college in the country and assumed that his part was mostly done. You’re the dad that casually expected but barely questioned, that worked hard during the day and came back exhausted, that didn’t realize (and hardly does now) that his kids weren’t mirror images of himself, that relied on luck when he should have known better. And maybe I used to have that potential. Maybe, if things had gone perfectly, I would also be going to Harvard—or maybe I would have gotten into one of the BS/MD programs. Maybe I would be the queen bee of my school, and already be acing my classes, and would be hella confident and kind and cheerful and pretty and thin and the perfect daughter. The best of didi and bhaiya, of mom and you. But that’s not me anymore. That cloud has drifted away—and you need to accept that. I have (or, I’m trying at least). You need to stop hoping. You need to stop mentioning how smart I am in that wistful voice. You need to stop expecting me to suddenly become this straight-A daughter who tells you everything because that’s not me anymore. That’s not going to happen anymore, and definitely not with the ease you seem to expect. Sure, I’m gonna (try to) work my butt off in college because I do want to be a doctor. Sure, I’m gonna try to be more open and honest with you guys. But I’ve also learned how to keep secrets. I’ve learned how to hide my tears. I’ve learned that trusting non-family members doesn’t always end in betrayal and heartbreak (although it sometimes does, and I’ve learned that lesson too). I’ve learned that you aren’t Superman, and you can’t fix every hurt, and you aren’t going to be the most kind or sensitive or even caring enough all of the time. I’ve learned that you’ve grown old and weary, and don’t always want to tangle with my emotions and problems all the time. And that’s okay; really, it is. Because now I don’t expect it. There might be times when I look at how you treated didi and bhaiya with bitterness—I’m not perfect, and I know that I’ll resent them many more times in the future—but now there’s a part of me that’s said goodbye to that version of you. This version of you leaves before I wake up (or is on the computer until he leaves) and returns in the evening, only to be on the phone with his boss or puttering with his fascinating Tesla. This version of you eats dinner (with a computer or phone most of the time) and lively chat, but then goes to his spot on the couch and stays on his chosen device for a while before he inevitably falls asleep. Or watches a movie. But this version of you barely has time to talk unless it’s urgent (and even then is sleepy or grumpy half the time) or we’re in the car (and he’s driving). This version of you complains at prodding and snaps at stubbornness and scoffs at “useless” curiosity. This version of you refuses to change. (Okay, maybe I’ve accepted it, but it clearly still bothers me. A lot. And maybe I should have known that, since that is what prompted this whole…mind dump in the first place. But hey, a girl can dream.) But anyway. You wanted me to journal my excitement for college didi? Well here it is. My true motivations for wanting to go to college. Too bad none of you will ever read it.

Tell me which one of these AUs sounds the most interesting and which one you’d like to read more about? (long post)

Here I am, back at it again with my AU bullshit. Complete with my ugly ass dauntingly long list of AUs that I’d love to write about but can’t seem to decide which one to start writing. This has been going on for the past week, dammit! If it’s not too much trouble, could you please help a girl out and let me know either on here or in a PM which one of these you’re curious about or would like to see implemented in an actual story.

Here are four Cloud-centric AU ideas which include (multiple) gay, bi, and (some) het main/side pairings. Regardless of which one I decide to write first, I (wistful thinking) want to eventually complete most or all of them, even if some of them only end up being one-shots. Thank you! <3

Mercenary Zack and Delivery Boy Cloud AU

Zack, a mercenary, and Cloud, a delivery boy, have been best friends since they were youngsters. Zack is straight but is undeniably (and confusingly into Cloud. Cloud is bi (with a strong leaning towards males) and he’s only recently started to explore that. One day, while Zack and Cloud are hanging out, Zack’s PHS dies and he asks to borrow Cloud’s laptop to check some work-related emails. Cloud says sure, completely forgetting what he’d been “researching” before Zack came over to hang out.

Cloud, suddenly remembering the content of said “research”, screeches out, “NoOoOoO!” whilst comically tripping over himself as he races to stop Zack from opening his laptop.

Zack, being Zack, laughs good-naturedly at Cloud’s behavior and says, “What, don’t want your bestie to see all your fReAkY sHiT LOL?”

Before Cloud can stop him, Zack unlocks the laptop (he knows the password, because, hello, besties) and proceeds to open up about ten tabs of LOUD GAY LEMONY YOU KNOW WHAT (all with actors that are blond and black-haired, hmm s u s p i c i o u s).

Cloud is fucking mortified and literally RUNS out of his own apartment and disappears (disintegrates) into the void while leaving Zack sitting there like a stunned D U M B A S S *insert shocked Pikachu meme here* Hilarity, fluffy romance, and “LeMoNs” ensue.

Main ship and only ship will be Clack/Zakkura. Syrupy sweet, comical, with only a pinch of plot-related angst. Will most likely be a one-shot/two-shot.

Vampire Slayer AU

Set in a world where Shinra keeps the existence of vampires and vampire covens a well-guarded secret from the general public of Midgar in order to keep its citizens calm, orderly, and manageable (see controllable).

Due to the frequency of recent vampire attacks in Midgar’s slums and outlying towns and villages, they charge their best slayer, Cloud Strife, and his partner with the task of finding and killing the progenitor of all vampire-kind in order to end the covert war between humans and vampires and kill off their kind, for good.

That is, until Cloud is double-crossed by his partner, who wants the title of Shinra’s best vampire slayer for himself, and Cloud is left for dead in a forest miles away from civilization. Cloud thinks he’s finally done for this time, until he’s saved by a half-vampire named Vincent, who then proceeds to take Cloud to his maker, Sephiroth, the son of the first progenitor.

Cloud’s only shot at making it out of this alive is playing at Sephiroth’s personal interest in him in a game of cat and mouse until he can get the vampire to trust him enough to let him get close to the progenitor in order to (finally) end the war once and for all and return to his former life.

Main ships are Sefikura with a possibility of some Strifentine. Side ships are Aerti, Scarlet x Elena, and a bunch of others. Angsty, passionate, romantic, and dark. Will probably be a six-shot or more. Who knows?

Life After Meteorfall Canon Divergence AU (I’m excited about this one)

An AU in which both Angeal, Zack, and Aerith (although, just barely) live and help kick Sephiroth’s ass in the final battle. Sephiroth has been defeated by the gang for good (no really, for good y’all), and now the world has turned to healing, mourning, and attempting to rebuild itself after the scars Sephiroth has left behind in his monstrous wake.

Cloud still has lingering feelings for Zack leftover from his time as an infantryman, but desperately hides this fact from both Aerith and Zack because he knows how long they’ve waited and how much suffering they’ve had to endure in order to be with each other. He also cares deeply for both of them and wants them to be happy, despite his own conflicting emotions.

Although Aerith is (slightly) suspicious, Zack is oblivious to it all because he’s finally got the girl of his dreams and has his love-addled goggles on (god dammit Zackary) and asks Cloud to be his best man at their wedding (ugh angst me upppppp baby).

Angeal, however, is not oblivious to it in the slightest. He sees the overly forced smiles, the longing stares, the glances of complete and utter h e a r t b r e a k Cloud shoots Zack when he thinks no one is watching/paying attention to him. And finally, fed up after months of sitting back and just silently observing Cloud falling into emotional ruin, Angeal finally intends to do something about it, honor be damned.

Main ship is Cloudgeal. Side pairings are Zerith, Rude x Tifa (don’t judge me, y’all, I ship SO MUCH this fandom), and possibly many more. Angsty, fluffy, romantic, and with a ridiculously happy ending where everyone reaches a happy, healthy understanding. Will most likely be either a three-shot or a six-shot.

Omegaverse SOLDIER AU (let me liveeeeeee, dammit!)

After failing to get into SOLDIER three times in a row (the max amount of times one can attempt in their lifetime) and having his childhood dream of becoming a hero shattered like glass, Cloud, a Beta cadet, is more than done with SOLDIER and everything to do with the corrupt Shinra Corporation (Uh huh. Suuuuure).

This opinion is only further solidified when Cloud discovers the tragic fate of his hometown: Nibelheim, in an “unprecedented” explosion of its Mako Reactor, burns to the ground, resulting in the deaths of Cloud’s mother and every single person Cloud grew up with. With no home to return to, Cloud, following his best friend Zack Fair’s advice, begrudgingly decides to join the Shinra military as an infantryman and work as a menial grunt for the military’s more prominent SOLDIER members.

That is, until one day during a mission Cloud’s entire unit, including a group of skilled Third and Second Class SOLDIERS assisting them, are slaughtered in a brutal, bloody conflict, leaving Cloud the only one left alive after the mission’s end.

This not only catches the eye of the Director of SOLDIER himself, but several of its First Class members, who are so impressed with the Beta’s strength that they wish to assess Cloud’s capabilities for themselves, personally. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

This leads Cloud down a path filled with convincing lies and hard truths as he discovers the reality of his origins, unveiling secrets about Shinra and his past that he could have gone a lifetime without knowing. He realizes the hard way that sometimes what you dream for, what you desperately wish for, isn’t always something you want in the long run.

Main ships are a tie between Sefikura and Clack/Zakkura (possibly Sephiroth/Cloud/Zack or maybe even a love triangle, ew). I also really wanna try writing out Strifesodos, but I’m leaning towards Banorashipping as a side ship in this cuz its cute and passionate.

A S T R O N G side ship in this is going to be Aerti (featuring Turk!Tifa and Full Cetra!Aerith), along with minor ships like Scarlet x Elena, Tseng x Rufus, and honestly who the fuck knows anymore, lol. This will most likely be the longest story on the list, I’m planning for at least ten+ chapters.

Also, not shaming it in any way, but just FYI for the people who are interested, there will be no pregnancy in this story. It’s just not my thing. <3

Again, all of these AU’s are subject to change, but I’d love to bounce ideas back and forth and see what certain shippers would like to see in the fandom. I’m really receptive to discussing fics in general, even if its an idea about one of your own stories you wanna talk about. :)

If you actually read all of that, THANK YOU KINDLY! <33333