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smilesrobotlover · 5 months

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Ok this has been bothering me all day. I saw a post talking about how Rauru and Sonia did more for Zelda than Rhoam did and… I’m once again going to defend Rhoam, cuz that’s a very unfair thing to say and a horrible comparison to make.

Rauru and Sonia helped Zelda with her time powers and learning about the secret stone. Rhoam didn’t help her with her sealing power. Why? Cuz he has no magic and he clearly wasn’t the one who had it. Her mother was the one who had the power and was the one to teach her. Rhoam had no idea what he was doing, he didn’t understand the magic, and he hoped that if she dedicated her life that it would awaken so that the calamity wouldn’t destroy their home.

Well he should’ve tried to help her anyways right? Well, yes it’s easy to say that, unfortunately Rhoam was put in a very bad position of being king with the looming threat of the APOCALYPSE!!!! I think it’s implied that Rhoam married into the family, since his wife had the sealing power from the blood of the goddess or whatever, and seeing how he’s Hylian, he wasn’t a prince from another kingdom since all other kingdoms in this world have small round ears. For all we know, he was a prince consort who was never raised to be king. We don’t know what he was doing before, but with his wife’s sudden death and the responsibility of protecting his kingdom, he didn’t make the right choices. Which isn’t an excuse, but in his position, it’s an explanation. Rauru and Sonia didn’t have an apocalypse threatening to happen, in fact, they were in an era of peace and the future seemed bright. Of course they had time to hang out with Zelda and have tea parties with her. They seemed to be relaxed and having fun, which makes sense seeing how there didn’t seem to be much of a threat to their kingdom, minus Ganondorf, but I don’t think either of them saw him as a huge threat, seeing how they were absolutely blindsided by him.

It’s implied in AOC that Rhoam shouldered all of the responsibilities of the kingdom, and it seemed that he was under a significant amount of pressure during the calamity. And I feel like he mostly did that so Zelda could focus on awakening her power. She didn’t seem to have many responsibilities as princess save for awakening her power and helping out the champions. She is barely 17 so it makes sense that she’s not ruling the kingdom, but I do feel like Rhoam did all that stuff so she could focus on the calamity itself. And I’m sure in his stress he grew frustrated whenever Zelda focused more on the machines than awakening her power. Which was not the right thing to do, but come ON the world is literally about to end and the ONLY piece of the puzzle they need is Zelda!!! Some people forget that she HAD to awaken her powers otherwise the world was going to be destroyed! And it almost was cuz they were awakened too late! They were in such an unfair situation! And it’s not fair to compare him to Rauru and Sonia who were not in the same situation he was in, who were lying around in the grass and drinking tea because the calamity wasn’t there.

Rhoam is such a well written character that acts the way you’d expect someone in his situation to act. And he has so much regret over some of the things he’s had to do to protect Hyrule. You can read it in his journal where he finally gives up and desires to act more like a father to Zelda, you can see it when he takes Terrako away from Zelda, and you can see it when he’s a ghost 100 years after everything is destroyed. He’s so guilty but he did what he thought was best so that Zelda could not have a throne to nothing, so that Hyrule will be safe. And there’s a lot of things he could’ve done better, but people don’t act rational under that much stress. Like come on, would you? Don’t lie you absolutely wouldn’t.

And this post isn’t meant to diss on Rauru and Sonia, I like them in their own ways. But it’s kinda dumb whenever people love complex characters and then turn around and hate on characters like Rhoam and make them completely one-dimensional when they’re not. Y’all are completely unfair to Rhoam.

#he’s not a tyrant or an evil person or an oath breaker or loved Link more than Zelda or an abuser or stupid stuff like that #give him a break #I cant look at the AOC tag cuz all I see are people being stupid about his character #I feel like the calamity happening was a wake up call to him in AOC #and he realized some things about Zelda and the Sheikah technology #and I’m AOC he seems to be giving Zelda some of the responsibility of leading since she’s leading the army now #like HOW do people hate him AOC you people have no taste #it’s sad cuz they didn’t seem to be talking to each other much before the calamity #and when Rhoam was going to just. hang out with Zelda #he wasn’t given the chance #I cant imagine the guilt he felt in those 100 years #losing quite literally everything #ok I’m done ranting about this #I’m so done with Rhoam slander it’s STUOID #ITS SO STUPID #totk #totk spoilers #breath of the wild #age of calamity

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stonedcoldfoxtarot · 11 months

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5 Reasons You’re That Bitch

Something for the hotties and the secret hotties ft. lyrics by Megan the Stallion

Pile 1 -> Pile 2

Pile 3 -> Pile 4

Pile 1

7oS, Hierophant, Empress, 4oC, 7oP, AoS, QoS, 10oP rev, 10oW, 5oW (2oS)

Many of you are strategic and move in silence. Hoes mad, but you ain’t finna stop until you make it to tin-op and do all the things your haters say you could not (NDA)

You live life on your own terms. Don’t give a fuck about what a hatin’ ass bitch gotta say. Cause none of these hoes saying shit to your face and none of these hoes finna see you at the bank (Thot Shit)

Taken or single, men everywhere want you cause you’re a hot girl and you do hot shit. You make him spend his income on your outfit (Girls in the Hood)

You got a body-ody-ody that makes bitches wanna fight. They spend a lifetime tryna get this hot, but you not the one to play with, like a touch-me-not (Body)

You’re a savage, attitude nasty. Talk big shit but your bank account match it. Haters keep your name in their mouth, now they gaggin’ (Savage Remix ft. Beyonce)

Pile 2

Strength rev, Moon, 4oC, KoP rev, 5oC, Hermit, 4oW, 7oP, AoC, Magician (4oP)

You’re a certified freak, 7 days a week. Wet Ass P*ssy, make that pull out game weak. Some of you don’t cook and you don’t clean, but let you tell it, you got that ring (WAP)

You a real ass bitch, you know you got it lit. All year round it’s a hot girl summer, got a whole lot of options cause they know a bitch poppin’ (Hot Girl Summer ft. Nicki Minaj)

Every day you wake up paid and pretty. Bitches gotta come get their man before you put em in a trance. Cause you got that super nova..that grip, that choker (Cognac Queen)

Pile 2, you ‘bout your money, p*ssy out when you feelin’ real cunty. Men like you thick with the accent county, would sell their soul for a sniff of your undies (Tuned In Freestyle)

Fake ass bitches, fake ass hoes…you tint your windows and lock your doors. When you dip off everybody talking ‘bout a bitch “went ghost,” but, shit, that’s how you roll (Tina Snow Interlude)

Pile 3

KoW, 5oW, 7oP, 6oP, World, KoS, 3oS rev, AoS, Magician, Moon, KoP

Above all else you know your worth. You like all nice things and you like ice, bling-bing. You tell those boys ‘pipe up if you wanna pipe me’ (Pipe Up)

If a man fumbles you, it’s always his loss. You tell him ‘if you wanna leave then bye-bye-bye. I’m a big girl, so I won’t cry-cry-cry’ (Don’t Rock Me To Sleep)

You keep your hair did, nails did, everything did. You tell him ‘Get it for a bad bitch, spend it for a bad bitch. If you got some money, then trick on a bad bitch’. Pile 3 you a savage. Once you spend his money, you leave ‘em in the past tense (Sugar Baby)

Every time you pop out it gets scary for these hoes. You who every man’s wife fear, a thick-thighed nightmare. You the boogie-bitch, hoe, you every man’s type, yea (Scary ft. Rico Nasty)

Pile 3 you stay on your “Fuck you” shit, cause you done being nice. And when it comes to cuttin’ people off, you don’t ever think twice. Fuck it, bitch, you not nice (Not Nice)

Pile 4

Hanged Man rev, 8oP, Hierophant, 5oC, 2oP, Emperor, KoC, 5oS, Fool, AoC, Magician (8oW)

Might have had some setbacks but that was the past. You ain’t gotta worry ‘bout shit, money good. Cause you been out here grindin’ like you ain’t ate, while these hoes bringing nothing to the table but their plate (Money Good)

Pile 4, you have expensive tastes, only men who hate on you are the ones that can’t afford you. This is a motherfuckin’ broke male warning (Warning)

Bitches don’t like you ‘cause you cocky, well you cannot help that your sexy sell and you’re in love with your sexy self. You need a boo that’s gon’ sex you well (Bless The Booth Freestyle)

Pile 4, you’re all that and a bag of flamin’ hot chips. You a hot girl so talk yo shit (Flamin’ Hottie)

And you couldn’t care less if these bitches don’t like you, cause, like, you’re pretty as fuck. With a face like this and a bitch this paid, shit, what could a hoe say? (Her)

Thanks for reading🔮✨

#pac #pac reading #pick a card #pick a picture #pick a pile #intuitive readings #tarot reading #tarot #pick an image #stonedcoldfoxtarot

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needs-to-stop-looking-at-yigas · 3 years

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please give us some more kohga and sooga hc's???? I really like how you write them lol

Thank you, cookie, thank you?? Finally, a chance at the husbands.

Kohga HATES fish. Hates their smell, hates their taste, hates fishing. This is actually based off of an old superstition that it’s bad luck to bring bananas with you while fishing. So yeah, if it were up to Kohga, he’d blow up all the ponds in Hyrule. Fuck the fish.

Sooga however, LOVES fish. He finds fishing relaxing, and enjoys the taste of crispy salmon skin. Kohga lets him go fishing occasionally, but Sooga ends up giving his fish away to anyone interested. And he has to take a bath before even going NEAR Kohga.

Kohga may hate fish, but he LOVES Mipha. To him, she’s precious. Mainly because accident prone Kohga demands Mipha to sort of hover over him a little bit.

Had Sooga joined the team, he’d get along best with Urbosa. She’s strong, fierce, and defends those she cares about. Second close would be Link, since they share the same occupation.

Kohga gets along with nearly everyone on the aoc team. Minus Ravali. Both think they’re hot shit, and they hate that the other won’t admit that THEY’RE the better fighter. Sooga has to carry Kohga away from fighting with him sometimes.

Sooga always stands watch over Kohga as he sleeps. Kohga tells him to knock it off, and to nap with him, but Sooga can’t help himself. Besides. Kohga is cute when he sleeps.

Dunno who needed to hear this, but Kohga is the top in the relationship. Sooga does anything he says, even if he thinks it's just an awful idea.

Sooga can cook, but barely. He at least knows how to make fruitcake with plenty of bananas for his Master.

Kohga is much better with food. He’s just fucking lazy. Dude makes a BOMB dirty banana cocktail too, even Sooga can’t fight his gluttony when he makes them (i got this from when he uses the ice rune, and he says 'on the rocks!').

Kohga is REALLY good at dancing. Unless he's being goofy, then he's like a drunken baby. Sooga loves it, and Kohga has even taught him a few moves. They can now both do the robot, and it's glorious.

Kohga has nicknames for pretty much everyone. Link is 'Goldilocks', Mipha is 'lil red', and Urbosa is 'scary'.

Kohga is a full supporter of Mipha x Link. He makes Sooga help him in getting them alone together. This is also why Kohga keeps trying to set up Zelda with some of the swordsmasters, weed out the competition. The King hates the hell out of it.

Sooga loves to whittle. He's no master, but he likes making little decorations. He made Zelda a little wooden bird upon hearing Urbosa call her 'little bird'.

If Kohga gives Sooga ONE compliment, Sooga just. Melts. Once, he called Sooga 'studly' (he was bragging to Zelda that his bodyguard was better), and the SECOND Kohga was out of the room, Sooga had to hold onto a wall as he swooned.

Sooga is the one in charge of training most of the soldiers. If one shows promise, Kohga ends up training them. Many outside of the clan can't see it, but Kohga IS in fact, the strongest of the Yiga. Aka, Sooga has NEVER beat Kohga in a fight, and he doesn't hold back.

There has only been two people who have EVER seen Kohga without his mask. His mother, and Sooga. Sooga takes that honor to heart, really he does.

Sooga and Kohga touch each other, a lot. And not even in a sexual way, they just really feel comforted by the other’s contact.

And that’s all I got. The clean stuff anyway. Unless more specific questions come in of course.

#asks #kohga #sooga #i can rant about ALL of these #but this is long enough as it is

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certainempatheticturkeymuffin · 3 years

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Age of Calamity Review

Hey! I wasted three hours of my life writing this in Arlo's comment section and part of it had to be cut out because of Youtube's word limit, so y'all get to suffer with me.

Here's the video that I wrote this on, give him some love, his opinion is a great juxtaposition to my own!

There are a few weird formatting errors because tumblr wants me to make new paragraphs, but there's no missing words as far as I can tell.

I like it, but I like the first one better, mainly for the appearance. I don't know why, but the pop ups are hard for me to see (by pop-ups I mean the challenges and weak point meters, the out of battle menu is actually pretty good, though I admit the text is a little small on the opening screen), and the lack of saturation makes it hard for me to see. Actually, that might be it, I just don't like the paler color palette in this context, since for a fast paced game I kind of need to be able to see, which I can't because I'm partially blind, and glasses have a glare that's an annoying trade off. Compare that to the original Hyrule Warriors, the weak point meters are brightly colored and change color the more you damage it, which is good for those with visual impairment who need some extra feedback to judge their next actions. The menu was also this aged tan color which provided a great contrast that wasn't the blinding white on top of dark blue, which wasn't bad at all, but the buttons and text were always big enough for those with visual impairment to see, though I will admit that the little pop ups with all the people crying out for help have a bit of the same issue as AoC. I think I just like the more vibrant colors of Hyrule Warriors in the context of a faster game, rather than the pale beauty of BotW, since my eyes can't really see what's going on if the colors aren't at least comparable to what you'd find in Minish Cap or Triforce Heroes. I can see fine in BotW during the day time, but at night, well, I just run and hope for the best, trying not to get killed by an electric keese, which is also a problem in AoC, mainly Zora's Domain; I could barely see a thing and it negatively impacted my experience.

I've got hundreds of hours in HW, and maybe five or ten in AoC. It's mainly because I just don't like how it looks. I've heard a lot of people say that it looks pretty much exactly like botw and...I have to disagree. A lot of areas are pretty perfect, but some, like the tower, are just a little off in a way I can't describe. That's a personal irrelevant nitpick though, but it negatively impacted my experience, so I thought it was worth a mention, the tower on the opening screen always annoyed the crap out of me, every time I see it I just want to exit the game because ew.

The gameplay is fine, and thank goodness for the addition of the meditation room, there's not a feature like that in the original, so I had to play the first stage over and over again to figure out new combos, I think Mipha is my favorite hero that I actually unlocked (though I've been wanting to play more just to see if I can control Revali and Teba like I can Fi (which makes her insanely good since her wide area of movement is the only thing you need to account for)), and I think Zelda is my least favorite, since she's a little clunky for my taste (Daruk is too, but his rolling makes that more bearable). I was a little disappointed with Impa, but her seal thing is kinda like Zelda's and Fi's thing in Hyrule Warriors (there are probably stronger connections, but I'm not experienced with every single hero), and I think it was just the hype that she got. She's not the type of character I like to play, since Zelda and Fi are my favorites, speedy and nimble area clearers (Sheik and Marin are cool too, I just have less experience using Marin, and Sheik is always a B pick since I find them a little harder to control with less area of impact), which meant that Mipha, a character I admittedly was never attached to, became one of my favorites in the game. Impa wasn't an area clearer for the most part, she had a few moves that could do that, but she was mainly a boss-killer to me, Mipha though? She's great, set up a few waterspouts and everything dies.

I do like that they've lessened the kind of ridiculous amount of items that were in HW, and that they didn't try to strong arm fairies in, because that system was the most annoying thing in the world and so poorly explained that I had to watch the same tutorial three times over about once a month because it was so convoluted.

I do hate the runes though, I just, couldn't seem to use them right. It might just be me, but I found trying to use them weird. It's a little hard to explain, but it's probably just a me thing. Not only that, but I found the inclusion of the rods on top of the runes annoying. The rods were entirely unnecessary if you were going to use runes. They just added another layer that was thin at best, not to mention that I found them hard to use as well. I hated the weird controls of the targeting system. I don't think there's anything wrong with a basic hack and slash, and if you're not going to have the excessive amount of items, runes were a good idea i think it might've been a me issue, but rods? It seems a bit excessive. It's probably just a "you'll get better with practice" kind of thing, which, fair, most people can't use Fi like I can, so that makes sense. I figured it was worth a mention anyway since the runes were a constant source of annoyance and I used the rods twice before never bothering again because I hated them so much.

I do like the addition of healing from food drops whenever you want though. In the original if there was a dropped heart but you were at full health, sucked to be you, going back for it when you need it would waste time. The plot is still as weird as ever though (from what I've heard from other videos and such), which is fine, since I tend to play my favorite levels over and over rather than actually do anything plot relevant (can you believe that it took me over a year to finish the story of HW because I kept getting distracted by letting Fi and Zelda mow down everything in the Adventure maps and challenges? I literally got the boomerang like six months after

getting the game. It's perfect for people with ADHD I swear) though I am extremely disappointed with the fact that they took the cheap way out, it's a kid's game and a nintendo game, what did I expect? For them to let everyone actually die? Nope...though honestly, I can't comment on the overall amazingness of the plot they went with because...er....I only did Mipha's and Daruk's stages before just losing interest, so I'm not the person you want to ask about any story criticism, because that would be pure conjecture and utterly pointless.

The customization of heroes, now that's great. It's a weird system that I needed to google a lot for, but it's absolutely brilliant and I love it. Sure, getting the specific seals I want is a little annoying, but it's a great mechanic and I love it.

I probably should've said this earlier, but I'm comparing it mainly to Hyrule Warriors rather than BotW because AoC's a Warriors game and thus plays more like Hyrule Warriors than BotW, and BotW has a different set of standards due to being an open-world game. I'm still salty about the plot though, so I guess there's your comparison.

Also, I absolutely ADORE the fact that you can track materials. Not having to google which stage gives me which material is just the best. And the fact that the side quests have little blurbs, absolutely fantastic. We didn't get that in HW, but then again, once you finished the main story, the rest was just, Have Fun and Kill Everything, which is great, and I love it, but adding in a weird ingredient fetching quest with a nugget of lore is kinda cool. I don't wish we got it in HW though, since, as aforementioned, there was no way to track which material came from which stage, so that would've made it a nightmare.

The Divine Beasts....I hated them, they were literally just time wasters, and, granted I only did Rudania and Ruta before dropping the game, I just hated them. The UI was horrendous and even Ganon's Fury was better, and I absolutely DESPISE Ganon's Fury. Once I finished them, I was just happy for them to be over and never bother with them again. I hated their controls, I hated the cramped paths, I hated how I couldn't really turn and see anything, and honestly, I commend the champions for being able to control these bulky slow and absolutely horrible machines.

On the music, I think it's good. I loved BotW's soundtrack, I loved Zelda 2's soundtrack, I loved Wind Waker's soundtrack, I loved Cadence of Hyrule's soundtrack, I loved Hyrule Warriors's soundtrack, I loved Minish Cap's soundtrack, Triforce Heroes, Spirit Tracks (you're lying if you say otherwise, this soundtrack is a bop and I will actually fight you), etc etc, and this one is no different, though I will admit it did a pretty good job of having me ignore it, though that may have been more due to my frustration at the rods and runes and Zelda and Daruk more than actually having an unimpressive soundtrack.

Personally, it didn't do much for me, I can't get over the color palette, the mechanics, the divine beasts. I had pretty average, maybe a bit high, expectations, but they weren't quite met. I played it for a few hours one day, dropped it, picked it up again a few months later, then remembered exactly why I dropped it. I think the original Hyrule Warriors is just better visually for me, even if the plot isn't great or it's a bit fanfictiony, it had depth in combat that didn't absolutely annoy me, and the annoying battles were usually optional, and the bosses had variety, which is a fault mainly of BotW and was just an inherited problem for AoC, and I'm not a completionist, I don't want to have to complete anything with Darunia or Cia, so I don't unless I have to to progress something, which means that I don't stress about the gargantuan amount of content in HW.

IN SUMMARY: I've never had problems with frame rate (though I play docked due to visual impairment), and if you're visually impaired, wear anti-glare glasses because the pale colors aren't going to help much. I haven't found an option to make text bigger. The soundtrack is good,

there isn't much boss variety (not AoC's fault, but it's still there), the meditation room is great, the runes take a bit of getting used to, as do the rods(i never got used to them), Divine Beasts tank performance in all aspects and are just disappointing, you actually know which stage drops which item, and there's no My Fairy (which is definitely a positive).

To slap on an arbitrary rating that only means something to me: 4.5/10

It's a good game if you can get passed the issues that bug ME to no end.

And there we have it. There goes....holy crap I spent three hours on

I wanted to like this, I really did, and I'm glad others enjoy it, but as it stands, I'll let y'all move on to Age of Calamity, and I'll stick to my handy dandy Hyrule Warriors ice cream with a dash of Breath of the Wild, a sprinkle of Cadence of Hyrule, and a Zelda 2 cherry on top. It's not like I have to wait long for Subnautica; hopefully that doesn't disappoint me too much, I preordered this one. Actually, I get Pokemon Snap today too, hopefully it isn't a SwSh level disappointment, AoC is magnitudes better than SwSh at a 4.5

this????? Three hours of my life. Gone.

#age of calamity #loz #hyrule warriors #review #game review #zelda botw #age of calamity review #hw aoc #aoc #botw #aoc spoilers #legend of zelda #breath of the wild #late review #like several months late #who cares #visual impairment #gaming

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curious-minx · 3 years

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A simple man accidentally joins Qanon.

I am looking for the trunklike opening of a cavern that is promising a hermitage of monks. Instead, I accidentally got recruited by Qanon.

I only ended up with them because I thought the rough looking recruiter woman with desperate destruction in her eyes said “Qui-Gon Jinn.” He is a real big influence on my overall look. The recruiter grabbed me by the pip of my ponytail and gave me a fierce rub down. She did not manage to extract anything from me because she wasn’t looking for anything special for me, I was basically cornmeal to her. A necessary means to an end. I try to quickly terminate my contract with the Qanoners, I’m a goner.

There is no mesh bag thrown over your head. I watch myself get dragged and kidnapped. I stand outside of myself and spit on myself. I hope I rot in Qanon mud club basement for all I care. Alas, I am very much chained to my corporeal form and rejoin back inside my raging crunching bones being dragged across an empty gymnasium. Old prom decorations are adorning the rafters; the apparent theme is Trapped In The Closet. This dates the decorations as a typical early 00’s macro-aggression. What do these people want with me? I try to remember all of the rest of the who’s, why’s, what and how I should be trying to grasp at as I continue to be dragged onwards and onwards. How large can the expanse of this gym be? Every time it looks like I am approaching a halfway full court circle the room seems to grow further in distance. A very roomy and interactive treadmill.

My assailant snaps her head around and with a tension in her throat, she croaks, “Aren’t you going to put up a fight?”

“I’ve been dragged longer.” I respond. I am not trying to be cheeky. I am stating a clear fact, but she begins dragging me faster and faster. The gymnasium becomes a bleak parking lot full of abandoned cars full of bloody empty car seats and cabbage patch doll sitting on top of smashed dash boards. The texture of the ground changes from glossy and buffed gymnasium wood flooring into typical pavement. I am starting to bleed more than I am comfortable with.

“Alright I give. Please stop. Enough.”

“Look we’ve reached our hide-out. You’ve passed, you’re a real Qtie.”

“You don’t call yourselves that.”

“Fake news to you too.” This woman with her exacting haircut sounds really tired. Maybe a tad attention starved as well. I don’t feel any sexual pleasure being dragged and humiliated by her, I just feel like she really needs a win. This is certainly not the forested idyllic hermitage haven where I could be with men who made soap and floral craft beer. I had to get out of here. The only way down is up.

“I could use a doctor. Are there any any Qute doctors.”

“No one reveals their civilian lives here. Cut that shit out. Throw those lives away when you commune with Q.”

Quetzalcoatl have mercy on my soul. I am starting to remember a vague idea of what these Qanon people about. I have been taking sketch comedy writing classes and people would occasionally mention these group. I don’t see how these people are funny anymore. These people are monsters. I hate being surrounded by only white people. And as my captor cum guide peels back the security layers of bricks and mortar sealing away their underground den I try to appreciate the outside as much as possible. I am not sure if the sky is still a simulation, but the sky is disappointing tonight. There are some parts of the country that are like this. Rarely if ever a nice night sky to look up. Clearly these safety sign orange skies add up to a lot of restless white supremacists, apparently. These people always want so many excuses for their behavior.

What kind of people are Qanon? They are not hicks. They carry glints of rolodex watches and sweaty pit stained polos. I know which way the khaki blows and it’s directly into my stake. I’m aiming for where it really hurts. I have no stake, I only have my torn and bloodied office attire and swelling inner violence. The sex cult accusations robbed me of my trust of Tom Hanks and for that they must pay. A man inside of a muscular blow up suit in the shape of a gimplike strongman is wheeled out onto stage. The woman who was dragging me tenderly injects his arm with a substance in the manner of heroin. That is if heroin is a slightly glowing gooey substance. A wet and warbling voice sputters out from inside of the man inside of the man.

“War! All out full blown war. There is no other option.”

“Yes Q!” mummers and sputters out the rest of the room. No one is saying the letter with bravado, everyone is saying it like a dirty secret for them and them alone.

A large man with the odor of bleach wearing nothing but overalls is carrying a steel suitcase and has come up to stand next to Q. Q begins to sputter and groan. The woman has begun strapping him to a chair, wrapping him so tightly that his arms immediately bruise and purple. The man opens the suitcase and begins rapidly assembling a preteen girl. The sort of tomboyish puckish preteen girl with a slight gap and whistle between her teeth, she is adorable or at least she becomes adorable once the the man snaps her head into place.

“Sp-sp-sp-spppppeak!” Q burbles he sounds like he is swallowing his own tongue back into his pinpoint shaped head.

“This man touched me! This man raped me! This woman tried to abort me! This woman helped child predators. This woman is a child predator. This man fucked me every which way. I no longer know what’s real anymore. What am I? This is so fucked up man! I’m losing my mind!” The preteen girl begins to scream and sob. With every accusation thrown out Q’s two main assistants have thrown out portraits of Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, AOC, Judy Blume, Oprah, and Paul Rudd. The rest of the room begins whispering the letter Q all over again, this time more confident.

Q’s two assistance look like they are going to come in for a group hug with the girl and they do, but when the man and woman meet together the girl immediately collapses into a pile of limbs. The suitcase closes and the man scurries off like a child during a panty raid. The woman begins scanning the room while she smashes chapstick across her trembling lips. Despite knowing exactly where I am standing because I have been firmly planted and transfixed in rictus horror as I try processing this spectacle she makes a big showcase with her eyes when gaze bores into me. I try to do the look side to side, “Who, me?” routine but two sausage fingered women with ballcaps pulled over their faces push me from behind and up onto the stage with Q.

“How do you do Qties and of course you too Q?”

“You don’t speak to Q!” Says the woman who is now starting to blend and blur together with the rest of these agitated pale faces. As I decent white person I can only handle being in the approximate of so many white people, the saturation point has been completely shattered.

I swear I see a greasy wide, chode tongue lick the rubber lips in the depths of Q’s costume. The suit begins squeaking and falls deflated onto the ground. There is no trace of the man called Q. I appreciate a good vanishing act by trying to throw up. The woman acts like she’s mad at me like I am some sort of noble house cat regurgitating on her Pendleton, she’s crowding up at me and getting in my face. She speaks, her breath smells like fuel.

“Your lucky he likes you fella. We don’t do this for all the boys.” Of course, the bleach man comes back this time reeking of chlorine as well. He’s riding a rolling dentist chair using his leg to push him along like a scooter. He reaches the lip of the stage and without any effort sweeps the dental operatory chair onto the stage as well. I am not liking where this is going and try to make a break for what I believe to be the exit.

The man scoops me in his wretched hairless and freckled arms.“Hold up. Q likes you.”

“There is no doubt that he likes him. Q accepts everyone who looks a little bit like Jesus.” The once tired woman now suddenly seems completely rejuvenated. The puffy bags under her eyes are glistening. The joys of dentistry. She pulls out a completely golden drill. A satin sheen gold that looks like no spray can job. My head is held back and my tooth is extracted and held up under the expectation. The rest of the crowd of Qties have more or less dispersed and are murmuring to one another over hunched over rings of phone lights. The jukebox plays Ted Nugent with pitched and slow down vocals to fit the anonymous motif.

Bleach and chlorine man takes my tooth and skips off in the manner of a fairy tale character but returns quickly this time. He is still carrying something but his hand is cupped and I cannot see if it’s my tooth.

“You’ve grown awfully quiet. Are you taking it all in? Do you see what this is truly all about?”

“Yeah you guys have a real serious project going on. This seems like an immense job. I want to help out in any way I can.”

“You won’t. You’ll forget you ever saw this place. You’re lucky to make it out alive, luckier still to not end up on a sex offender registry. Q has different plans for you. Now go follow the trail of innocent blood and open your mouth.”

“Again?” As I say this the woman sprays me with a slightly acidic and fizzy tasting spritz that makes the roof of my mouth feel dense. The feeling gradually dissipates as I stumble down through the gallery of wretches and human refuse that is populating the joint. Sure some of these people probably have legitimate struggles and a hard working background, but there’s a lot of corrupted doughiness to go around. Not chubby. Chubby people are full of joy and adventure, this was more of a kind of excessive candle wax flesh coating these people, mostly the men. The women were of more stripes. Some look like innocuous librarians or Sunday School cheerleaders or Boss bitches. The whole gambit.

I reach the exit. The bleach chlorine man is already waiting for me. He wrings out a blindfold that was bunched up uncomfortably close to his groin. I am not a homophobic man. I appreciate the smell of a musk, there is a refined strain of dick cheese out there, and a man this overwhelming chemical should have a sterile blindfold. Except he is wringing this blindfold out. Some kind of liquid is dropping on the floor, but before I can make out what drips have dropped my eyes have been folded into the blinds. There is no graceful exit.

After much leaves are rustled. Drivers negotiating with the bald patches of darkness dotting the byways and leeways of my swampy homeland. I purposely made a trip out of joining the monks. I didn’t want to join a local enclave so I made sure to cross several state lines. Once I can smell the odor of burning leaves do I realize I have actually been driven all the way to my backwoods home. The home I tried so hard to leave behind. A light has come on and my parents, older sister and the gentleman trying to pretend to be our maid all come out all wearing various robes and sleepwear, arms crossed in unison. I finally take off my blind fold.

“Christ almighty I didn’t think you were alive. I thought I was doing another corpse drop off. Get the fuck outta here. Cant afford any bad luck, fuck!” He drives his miserable reliable fiat as fast as it will go and when my family discerns that I am more or less in one piece they march single file back inside. I sit outside on the perpetually damp cushioned porch swing and sway myself into a woozy and necessary sleep.

///

My tooth, my back right molar is sprouting sinister veins of terrible pain throughout my jaw. I cannot speak. I am rendered a strong, silent handsome type. I refuse to accept these parameters. People love my reedy and oaty mellifluous voice. Remember how much I look up to Qui-Gon Jinn? Good, it should give you idea of what I’m dealing with. I am in my basement bathroom. Always the basement dweller never the chic chateau bachelor. I take a bottle of vodka, a bottle of hydrogen peroxide and a bottle of mineral water. I slosh them together in a plastic watering can that I use to sustain my miserable array of jungle flowers.

My older sister, Cottontail, has arrived with my mail and more. She says this unlabeled package was delivered by a woman that could only be described as a real Karen. My sister then reminds me how much she hates using that sexist phrase but she calls them like she sees them. Cottontail gives me an overly long slab of sustained eye contact, and then she asks about the violence across my face. I wave her away, I begin tearing into the envelope. The jutting dental pain makes the process of opening the envelope feel like a real superhero pal adventure, an overly long and painful slog. After several bouts of muffled screams of agony and several miles of drool streaks of blood I get into the envelope. How do I have so much blood in my body? Inside the envelope’s interior flap is bold and American flag covered Q. There’s a sugar and carmel dusted pretzel shaped as a Q inside of the envelope and a note that says, “Take a bite out of this.”

Merely reading the word bite causes a castanet snap of bile in my throat, but I hold the pretzel up to my mouth. I realize that it is not a pretzel and that the brown coloring is made from the dark brown crystal sugars. The entire Q is made out of sugar. Maybe one bite will give me the quick and lethal kind of diabetes? I chomp down and am met with a surge of relief as soon as the sugar crystals sing and fizzle in my mouth pooling around the suspect molar. All pain has been wiped clear as long as I keep the sugar flowing.

I must have all the candy under God’s gaseous and toxic land. I run up to the candy striper and shake her by the shoulders and tell her I need my sugar rush! Q has sent me! My face and a negative circle of the banned lines nearly every location sugary confections are sold.

#surreal fiction #surrealism #short story #fiction #weird fiction #qanon #fuck quanon #qanon explained

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ellismorris0 · 6 years

Text

A Nationwide Drink is Born

Mahua, The Conventional Tribal Drink from India, Enters the Mainstream

America has Bourbon, Mexico has Tequila and Mezcal, Scotland has Scotch, Brazil has Cachaça, and the listing is going on and on. However what about India? It’s some of the most sensible 5 alcohol eating nations on this planet and there’s a powerful spirits/whisky production business. Colonial India invented the gin and tonic, however has had no severe candidate for nationwide liquor, till now.

That is the tale of the emergence of a countrywide drink, led by means of one guy’s innovativeness and tenacity. An alcohol product with a protracted historical past and completely Indian heritage, surrounded by means of legends, and spanning centuries. A historical product from the various tribes within the Central Indian Woodland belt.

The goods (there are two) are known as DJ Mahua and DJ Mahua Liqueur. The person is Desmond Nazareth and we have now met him earlier than on this weblog. (You are going to to find them here, here, and here.)

Desmond Nazareth, Founder and Managing Director, Agave India.

The Product

Mahua (pr. Ma-hu-a) is a flower that Indian tribes had been fermenting, distilling, and consuming. The Mahua tree has been regarded as sacred for hundreds of years. Desmond and his Agave India Corporate have begun advertising and marketing the product below the DJ (DesmondJi) logo in liquor and liqueur codecs and promoting those merchandise as Indian Made Liquor (IML) since June of this 12 months. However his actual problem is to get the common liquor government to acknowledge Mahua as an respectable, doubtlessly nationwide drink.

Right here’s how he describes Mahua:

“Mahua is a nectar wealthy flower of the Madhuca longifolia tree, which grows within the Central Indian Woodland belt, traditionally inhabited by means of indigenous other folks of India, so known as ‘Adivasis’, or ‘Tribals’. The nectar wealthy plants mature and drop for a month or so within the Mar-April-Might time frame. Those safe to eat sundried plants retain a vital a part of their sugars, with a pleasing, complicated style similar to a hybrid of sun-dried raisin, fig and date… For hundreds of years, Central Indian tribes had been gathering and storing Mahua plants, and eating unmarried distilled Mahua spirit constituted of the plants in conventional clay, wood-fired potstills.”

He depicts the goods as “forest-to-bottle” and each are 40% Alcohol by means of Quantity (AbV). The DJ Mahua liqueur is mixed with honey and spices and there are plans for a DJ glowing product. I’ve attempted each the liquor and liqueur and located them to be very stress-free merchandise, with distinctive and delightful tastes. The DJ Mahua Liqueur product specifically, was once most pleasurable each instantly and in cocktails.

Desmond describes Mahua as “the one spirit on this planet this is fermented and distilled from naturally candy plants.” ‘What about St Germain?” I requested. In line with Desmond, St Germain is made by means of macerating and steeping Elder Flower in alcohol; DJ Mahua is of course fermented and distilled immediately.

The Mahua Mystique

Mahua Tree

What fascinates me about Mahua is its colourful historical past. Spend a couple of mins here and also you’ll see what I imply.

As legend has it, Mahua is “An indigenous drink rumored to be the elixir of the Gods and the weak spot of deities, the tribals inform stories of ways it’s coveted by means of deer, birds, and people alike.”

In line with Desmond, Mahua is greater than a drink, it’s a mirrored image of India’s colourful tribal historical past. The legends and tales abound with stories of hard-working villagers stored from the messengers of loss of life by means of Mahua; of animals cavorting whilst tipsy at the plants. Desmond writes:

“From bark to fruit, leaf to root, each and every a part of the Madhuca Longifolia (botanical identify) earmarks our heritage in some way few different components of our lengthy cultural historical past do.”

A well-respected English anthropologist operating with tribes in Central India named Felix Padel, a descendent of Charles Darwin, tasted Mahua and was once stunned that the federal government didn’t increase it as an business. He’s quoted as pronouncing, “I ponder why other folks in India would like French wine and English scotch when one thing contemporary and rejuvenating like Mahua is to be had.”

And that leads us to Desmond Nazareth’s adventure to make Mahua the Indian nationwide drink.

The Demanding situations and Stumbling blocks

Mahua is these days made in over a 3rd of India’s 29 states and getting Mahua identified everywhere India is a frightening activity, specifically while you’re a distinct segment, craft distiller with restricted assets.

The Indian alcohol marketplace could be very complicated and, to me a minimum of, slightly complicated. As I discussed, its alcohol quantity intake is likely one of the best possible on this planet however its in line with capita intake is low. There’s a love-hate dating with alcohol, courting again to Gandhi’s aversion to it and a minimum of 4 states and one territory observe prohibition. But, Indians like to drink and the global cocktail enthusiasm is alive and properly within the primary towns.

Indian Made Liquor (IML) is composed of 2 varieties. One is Indian Made Overseas Liquor (IMFL) and is the respectable time period utilized by governments, companies and media in India to consult with all varieties of liquor manufactured within the nation rather then indigenous alcoholic drinks. The opposite sort is Nation merchandise reminiscent of Feni and Mahua.

Desmond is attempting to get a brand new Excise class established countrywide. It could be referred to as Heritage alcohol merchandise and strictly ruled by means of world requirements. It could be taxed not up to ‘IMFL/IML’ and better than ‘Nation’. He feels that this may inspire marketers to discover and exploit the massive treasure trove of Indian alcoholic drinks.

To get Mahua identified as a countrywide drink approach a state by means of state marketing campaign since there’s no central nationwide regulatory frame an identical to the US’s TTB. “This is a crying disgrace that there these days isn’t any easy Excise/ Earnings/ Customs mechanism for proudly made in India alcoholic drinks to be positioned in Go back and forth Retail (Accountability Unfastened) retailers in India,” says Desmond.

However, the most important step ahead has emerged, because of Desmond’s efforts thus far. The Food Safety and Standards Authority of India (FSSAI) is more or less an identical to the US’s FDA and is operating to standardized the manufacture of Mahua and the usage of its elements.

What’s Subsequent?

As you learn this, know that Desmond is difficult at paintings on plenty of ranges. The manufacture and sale of DJ Mahua and DJ Mahua Liqueur in his house state of Goa and in different places in India; operating on a glowing Mahua product; and pushing for popularity as a countrywide drink.

My very own view of this case is that it represents a novel and robust alternative for an international participant to go into the fray. The “measurement of prize” of the Indian marketplace and overcoming the hindrances for world manufacturers, means that the Diageos, Pernods, and others would possibly need to take a detailed take a look at Mahua. I believe it represents an actual alternative to take part within the building of a brand new nationwide logo with Indian and world attainable. (If I had been nonetheless at Seagram, I’d be doing simply that.)

For a logo to be successful at the world level, it must be just right tasting, subsidized by means of an entrepreneurial effort, and a have compelling tale. DJ Mahua and its variants has all that and extra.

It’s time for the product to return out of the woods and replicate its heritage the similar approach as bourbon, scotch, tequila, and the entire different nationwide beverages. I’m hoping that the Indian government would grant a kind of AOC (safe designation of foundation) or Geographic Indication (GI) for Mahua alongside the similar traces as the ones for cognac, tequila, champagne, and others.

DJ Mahua Liqueur

DJ Mahua

The post A Nationwide Drink is Born appeared first on Liquor Gift Baskets.

from http://liquorgiftbaskets.net/2018/09/28/a-national-drink-is-born/

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gailmalooft · 6 years

Text

A Nationwide Drink is Born

Mahua, The Conventional Tribal Drink from India, Enters the Mainstream

Desmond Nazareth, Founder and Managing Director, Agave India.

The Product

Right here’s how he describes Mahua:

The Mahua Mystique

Mahua Tree

What fascinates me about Mahua is its colourful historical past. Spend a couple of mins here and also you’ll see what I imply.

And that leads us to Desmond Nazareth’s adventure to make Mahua the Indian nationwide drink.

The Demanding situations and Stumbling blocks

What’s Subsequent?

DJ Mahua Liqueur

DJ Mahua

The post A Nationwide Drink is Born appeared first on Liquor Gift Baskets.

from http://liquorgiftbaskets.net/2018/09/28/a-national-drink-is-born/

0 notes