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horansqueen · 4 years

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You & Me : chapter 43

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34|| CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37 || CHAPTER 38 || CHAPTER 39 || CHAPTER 40 || CHAPTER 41 || CHAPTER 42

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his -4.5k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

READ AM CONVERSATIONS AGAIN ON WATTPAD HERE

- notes: wow, it took a while didnt it? i have a hard time writing this story for a few specific reasons and thats why it takes me longer. i also need to plan the ending of this and its not easy because im scared to forget something. but i hope you enjoy this chapter! thanks so much for still reading this story!!!

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : its late and i hope i dont forget any! i didnt add everything from the 2nd request in my chapter tho. i also promise more requests in the next chapter! its all planned so thank you!

TAKE A LOOK AT THE CHARACTERS HERE

Chapter 43 : His chapter

NIALL

June 25th, 2018

"Okay, move slightly on the right." I heard her, doing what she told me cautiously. "Now watch out, there's a step."

"Big or small?"

"Uhm, medium" she replied after thinking about it.

"Gee Liv, thanks!" I replied sarcastically before I carefully tried to put my foot on the step.

She guided me with difficulty until the car and I packed her last few boxes in the trunk. We sat in the car and I started it, feeling her gaze on me but I tried to ignore it until I felt her hand on my thigh. I suddenly relaxed and my eyes met hers for half a second before going back on the road.

"You should have let me help you." she pointed out with a soft voice. "I can carry more than one box, you know."

The left corner of my lips raised gently and I glanced at her again before stopping at a red light and turning my head completely her way. Her eyebrows raised and I sent her a small smile, shaking my head.

"I want you to let me take care of you." I admitted, bending closer to press my lips gently against hers in a quick kiss. "Besides, an old lady like you shouldn't carry heavy things."

With a chuckle, she slapped my arm gently as I started laughing and started driving again. It was already mid june and we had been working on her moving in with me for about a week. Most things were actually bought by Louis so all the furniture stayed there but it took us a while to pack all her stuff and bring the boxes to my house. I mean, our house.

"I'm only two years older than you!" she argued, making me laugh even more. "Do I have to call you 'kiddo'?"

"Please, I'm a man." I let out with a frown, half-joking. "You know it, you've seen me naked."

"Oh how my life has changed since then." she replied wih a chuckle, making me smile too.

We brought her stuff to our room and started unpacking together after I put music on. It invaded the house so loudly that the neighbours probably heard since we had opened the windows. It was a warm saturday afternoon and I still had a little bit more than a week off. I knew we were going to miss each other since I was about to leave for three months (even if i was going to be back here at some point in august for a few concerts) but we didn't talk about it much, as if it would make things worst.

I kept glancing at her from time to time as I was putting her stuff in my closet and my lips curled when I noticed she was dancing while putting her clothes in her dresser. It was nothing new. She had always been like that but somehow, at this exact moment, it made me realize how perfect this moment was. Loud music, finally sharing a house with the woman I loved, watching my girlfriend dance and sing happily close to me with a promise ring hidden in my underwear drawer. That whole scenario happening right in front of me felt like the accomplishment of something very very important and even if I couldn't define exactly what, I tried to remember this in my brain like the movie of a memory I wanted to watch over and over again until i'd be on my death bed. The smallest details seemed important and when she moved a lock of hair that had stuck on her lips behind her ear, I held my breath. Could I write a song about this?

She turned around and our eyes met and suddenly, her lips curled into a fond smile. I loved when she looked at me like that. I was used to it, because she's looked at me like that for as long as I could remember, but it's only now, the second time we're dating, that I realized what it meant and how important it was.

"Are you gonna help me or are you just going to stare at me while I do all the work?"

I chuckled and rolled my eyes before shaking my head and grabbing an other box. It was heavy and when I opened it, I saw a bunch of books, the first one on the top being the one she was reading at the moment. I knew because sometimes we'd just sit together in the living room in silence. She'd read and sometimes i would too, or id end up writing, or playing guitar. Just being in the same room was enough sometimes and I liked it. I grabbed the book and turned it around to read the summary but something else caught my attention and I frowned. Something was sticking out of the book and I pulled on it slightly only to see my face and hers on a few pictures. It came from the photobooth and if my memory served me right, it was from the first time we dated. I pulled on it more to see all the pictures and finally just opened the book so she wouldn't lose her page and let my eyes roam on the older pictures of us. I remembered how I felt, but I was well aware it was not comparable to the feelings I had now.

"Can't believe you kept this."

My eyes didn't move from the pictures but I felt her stop moving and finally get closer to me. I sat on my bed and I felt her sit next to me in silence until I finally looked up in her eyes.

"You have no idea of all the things I kept." she admitted and I could swear her cheeks turned a soft shade of pink. "I kept a lot of souvenirs of you, Niall."

My smile curled a bit and she chuckled. "Really?"

"Oh don't look at me like that, it's not like I built a shrine for you or anything." she just rolled her eyes. "But your friendship and your love... yea, it's important for me."

I ran my thumb gently on the pictures for a few more minutes and finally put them back in the book before closing it. I stared at it until Liv grabbed my hand and I squeezed her fingers, looking up at her and sending her a smile.

"You know we need to christen the rooms." This time, she let out a loud laughter and it made my lips curl. "It's true!"

"It only applies to new places, Niall!" she laughed more. "We've already had sex pretty much in all the rooms of this house, and that says a lot!"

"Are you sure?" I asked, raising my eyebrows before she nodded. "All the bathrooms? Bedrooms?" She nodded again and I raised my nose up with a low groan, making her laugh again. "There must be somewhere we didn't fuck!"

"On the dryer."

"What?" I frowned.

"We never fucked on your dryer." she repeated with an amused smile, her head tilted. "We fucked in the showers, kitchen's table, kitchen's counter, on the couch, on the floor of the living room, in all the beds, on all the bedroom floors, in the music room and against that piano.. One time you even grabbed me when I got out of the shower to fuck me against the wall in the hall."

The left corner of my lips curled as the memory came back to my head and I raised my eyebrows. "Oh yea, I remember."

"But I don't remember fucking on the dryer."

My eyes roamed on her and I licked my lips. "We can do that now."

"Join me in 5 minutes?"

I raised my eyebrows in surprise when she suddenly got up and left. My fingers gripped the book in my hands tighter and I finally put it on the bed before turning my eyes to the alarm clock on the bedside table. It was the longest 5 minutes of my life and if I wanted to be honest, I only waited 3 and a half anyway.

I heard the dryer's noise and frowned a bit when I realized she had started it and when I got there, she was sitting on it and I noticed the matching black and silk panties and bra she was wearing. Her legs were hanging down the dryer and she was holding herself with her hands slightly behind her body, her dark hair falling near her back, and I stopped as soon as our eyes met.

"When did you put this on?"

"I wore them all day." she admitted with a smirk before chuckling when my face changed. "I mean, I wanted to show you but we were sort of busy."

I took a few steps closer slowly and put my palms on her thighs, sliding my hands up very slowly on her soft skin.

"Spread your legs, petal." I whispered as she bit her bottom lip but did as I asked.

"I wasn't sure if it actually looked good on me." she admitted low and I shook my head quickly.

"Oh shut up, darling, this makes me so fucking hard." To prove my point, I turned my hips a bit and pressed my hard cock through my pants against her naked thigh. "See?"

I ran my hands up to her breasts, touching them before slipping one of my hands under it to run the tip of two of my fingers on her nipple. "I'm so torn right now. I want to rip it off of you, but watching them on you is so fucking hot."

"Just move my panties aside and fuck me."

Her eyes seemed to sparkle but her expression was needy and I just licked my lips, bringing my hands down to my jeans and unzipping them as I kept staring at her.

"Such a needy little slut." I let out in a low tone. "Tell me how bad you want my cock. Beg me."

Her eyes never leaving mine, she brought her feet on the dryer, exposing her panties even more to me and slowly, I took my cock out and started stroking it. I could feel the dryer getting warmer and the way she seemed to shake over it made me want her even more.

"Fuck, Niall, I want you so bad. I need you deep inside me." she whimpered and licked her lips. "Please, Niall, I need your cock, please i'm begging you, fuck me."

I jerked off harder, making sure the tip of my dick rubbed against her pussy over her panties, and she whimpered and bit her bottom lip harder.

"Move your panties, pet. Show me your pretty little cunt."

She did as I asked and my eyes dropped between her legs as I moved even closer, close enough for the tip of my cock to push inside her. I groaned low and she let out a short whimper as I felt her throb around me.

"Deeper." she breathed out. "Fill me."

Quickly, I pushed myself inside her until I was balls deep and she let out a moan, her head falling back slightly and her eyes fluttering.

"Like this petal? How does my cock feel?"

She squirmed slightly and with difficulty but I watched her shake glancing a few times down to watch her grind despite herself on my dick. The feeling was amazing and I groaned louder when I felt her clench around me.

"So good, so fucking good." she whimpered again.

"You're so fucking wet and horny I just want to watch you fuck yourself on my cock until you cum all over it, baby girl." I let out without thinking. "How about you do that?"

I moved as close as I could and she ground on me for a few minutes. I loved the way she moved, all her facial expressions and the way her moans sounded but after a while, I couldn't take it anymore and grabbed her waist, my fingers sinking in her skin as I pulled her against me in motion with my thrusts.

"Fuck, i'm gonna cum." I just said still going hard.

I didn't know if it was because of my words or if she had been holding it for a while but she started shaking even harder against me as she came, my name escaping her lips in incredible moans and bringing me to my own orgasm. I shut my eyes tight, pushing myself so hard against her to make sure I went as deep as I could, and when I got down from my high, I leaned my forehead against hers, eyes still closed, as we both panted with parted lips.

"This is so much better." I whispered, moving a bit to reach her lips with mine.

"Better than what?" she asked in a breath as I kissed her gently again.

"Better than anything. Better than anyone." I confessed. "Better than sex without feelings."

It took her about a minute to talk but her words made me open my eyes suddenly.

"Are you in love with me, Niall?"

I pulled away to look in her eyes and frowned for a few seconds before shaking my head. I knew she was probably asking me simply because she wanted to hear it but I couldn't help but fear that she doubted it.

"Yes. I am in love with you, Olivia." I affirmed. "It will never change. I'll always be in love with you, for as long as I live, and maybe even after."

---

June 29th, 2018

I was a bit sad she had insisted on inviting Louis and Eleanor on her birthday but I went along with it because it was her day and I loved her. She also had asked for nothing big, just a movie and games night with our friends, and somehow, I was down with that. Normally, I'd want to celebrate in a bar with many more friends but we were about to be separated for a while and I was not in the mood to celebrate that. I was just grateful I could spend her birth day with her.

"Okay, Liv, you sit next to me. Your boyfriend can sit next to El." I heard Louis say as I walked back in the living room with two bowls of popcorn.

"Excuse me? I pretty much intend on watching this movie cuddling my girlfriend, thank you very much!" I argued with a frown as I stood in the middle of the living room.

"If we do that we'll just spend an hour and a half making out!" Louis explained with round eyes. "At least you two will! You're both horny animals!"

"It's not like we were gonna fuck in front of you." I pointed out, rolling my eyes before sitting next to Eleanor who just laughed.

"Don't be a jealous boyfriend, Niall. Liv was my roommate before being your girlfriend again and I'm very sad that I can't wake her up by literally jumping in her bed at 6 in the morning anymore!" he joked with a chuckle before turning to my girlfriend. "Bet you miss it too!"

"6 in the morning?" I repeated with a frown again. "You never wake up so early."

"He did when he had meetings for his album." Olivia pointed out. "As you already know, 'pain in the ass' is in his DNA."

I laughed and she did too but the way she looked at me made me smile. Louis placed his arm on the back of the couch, near her shoulders, and I groaned low at sight. It's not that I wanted to read too much into this, but it was bothering me a lot and it was tough to hide. I was not the type to be jealous and I knew Olivia loved me, but every time I saw them near each other, I couldn't help but remember that they fucked multiple times and that nothing could ever erase that.

What took me out of my thoughts was something hitting my nose and the sweet laughter of my girlfriend. I shook my head slightly and sent her a smile as she sent me more popcorn and I grabbed some from my own bowl before throwing it at her, too. She laughed louder and we kept on throwing popcorn at each other until Louis groaned and stopped the movie. It was crazy how easily Louis could make himself home. He was using my remote for my tv, was sitting on my favorite spot on the couch, cuddling with my girlfriend.

"Fine! Fine I get it!" Louis gave in, raising his hand up in defeat. "You guys can't stay too far away from each other for too long. It's sad but it is what it is!"

He practically jumped off the couch and walked up to me. After a quick head movement, I sent him a smile and got up to. I let myself fall next to Liv and immediately, she cuddled my side like a magnet, making me smile more. I had no idea why I was insecure when it came to Louis, but she proved over and over again that I had no reason to be. I wrapped my arm around her to pull her closer and we finished the movie before grabbing a few beers and talking. It was almost 3 in the morning when Louis and El left and I watched as Liv got up, yawned and stretched.

"I'm so tired, let's go to bed, yea?"

"We really should clean first." I pointed out, grabbing a few bottles.

I was about to bring them to the kitchen but she stopped me with a grimace and a groan. "Niall, we need to sleep. Come onnnn, we can do that tomorrow."

I stared at her and sighed, not really sure I liked the idea but I finally nodded and followed her to the room as she held my hand and pulled me with her. We fell asleep quickly but she did before me and for some reason, I enjoyed watching her snore lightly, her lips parted, as I held her close to me. These days, we fell asleep holding each other face to face and it was very different from our usual spooning. Still, I liked it but when I woke up, she was on the other side of the bed, her legs were over mine, and I smiled at how much she had moved.

I got up, put sweatpants on and made coffee before drinking a cup as I looked at the mess in the living room and the kitchen. She joined me about half an hour later, entering the kitchen as she yawned. It made me chuckle but I liked the mess of her hair and her lazy smile. I wanted that every single morning of my life.

"Slept well?"

"Yes but not enough." she just shrugged with an other yawn.

I poured her coffee in her favorite mug and we both drank in silence, leaned against the counter. After I was done, I put my cup in the sink and without turning back to look at her, I sighed.

"We need to clean now."

"Mm, I just woke up. We can do that later in the afternoon." she just shrugged.

"Liv, we need to clean now. That's what happens when we postpone these kind of things. It'll never be fun but doing it now means we can do something else after."

She stared at me a few seconds and sighed, letting her head fall back on her shoulders. I didn't want to argue with her, and I knew how messy she was, but she also knew I was the opposite and that leaving everything as is the night before had been annoying to me.

"Well I don't want to do it now."

I didn't expect that answer and took a step back as my eyebrows raised.

"Why are you being like that?"

"Why are you being like that?" she repeated. "This can wait! I can't believe we're arguing over that!"

"Olivia, please! We left this mess last night and we need to clean!"

"You knew how i was before I started living here, it's nothing new!" she let out a bit roughly.

"And you know how I was too!" I argued before she brought her hands to her face and sighed. "You need to make efforts, okay? I am!"

My voice was a bit too loud and I knew it but I was getting pissed. I couldn't believe we were arguing over something like that. After all we had been through, I didn't want to accept that something so silly could be what would end us.

"I just... I need a shower."

I left without waiting for her answer and stayed a bit too long under the hot stream but when I got out of the bathroom with clean clothes, my lips curled at the sight. She had cleaned a good part of the living room and was now working on filling the dishwasher. I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her waist from behind, leaning my chin on her shoulder.

"Thank you." I whispered, leaving a few kisses on her neck and she finally turned in my arms to look in my eyes.

"I'm sorry."she sighed and licked her lips. "I'll make efforts, I promise."

We finished cleaning and ended up sitting at the table with an other cup of coffee and eggs. The problem was, I couldn't stop thinking that I was leaving in a few days and it bothered me. I wanted us to discuss it but at the same time, I was not sure she wanted to talk about it. I knew that she thought mentioning things out loud made them more real or concrete but ignoring them and pretending the problems weren't there wouldn't make them disappear.

"It's gonna be tough, you know. We'll be away from each other for quite a while."

It took her a few seconds to answer as she seemed focused on her coffee but after a while, she breathed in and sighed.

"I know it won't be easy, Niall, but I also know that it will never be as hard as it was without you for a whole year. So yea, I think we can get through this and come out stronger." she said in a calm way before looking up in my eyes. "I hate being away from you but that won't change my love for you, not even just a little."

I reached for her hand on the table and squeezed her fingers before sending her a small smile. "It won't change mine either. And you're right, that year without you was the worse I've ever been through."

"It's... different." she told cautiously, looking up at me and noticing my questioning look. "You spent that year without me because you decided it, it was your choice. You did it for a reason and you wanted to be alone to live things you clearly thought you couldn't live with me. But me... I suffered through it. You broke up with me, broke my heart... I lost my best friend and the love of my life at the same time, you know? We didn't live that year the same way."

I felt my heart thump hard in my chest and I just nodded very slightly, as we stared at each other.

"You know, Niall... you left me with nothing." she said and I could swear I heard her voice crack. "I tried to find someone else, to find what I was missing from someone else, but I never really found it because what I was missing was you." Once again, she breathed in and sighed. "I know it's not easy but maybe you should try to put yourself in my shoes and... try to understand how I feel, you know? How I felt all those months."

I remembered that she told me it was tough for her but I never really understood how hard it had been until I found out she had literally tried to kill herself. Still, I felt like I couldn't really know the feeling and never would be able to. I remained silent as her words kept running in my head and finally held my breath. I couldn't believe I was thinking about writing a song in such a deep moment but I was and I just shook my head.

"You're right, Liv." I admitted, reaching for her other hand and squeezing both of them tight. "I'll try to understand how you felt in that year we were apart, after I broke you. It's hard to imagine but, I know I've hurt you more than I ever hurt anyone else, and I'll listen to everything you have to say about it."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded. "I can't really put it in the past." she added low. "Not because I don't want to, but because I feel like it's part of our story. I thought I knew who you were, I thought you'd never leave. I mean, we've known each other for decades... I thought you would never break my heart. But it was hard to accept, you know? That I didn't know you as well as I thought I did. I felt like... you ripped my heart out. Like you stole something from me that I could never get back without really knowing what it was. And I wanted it back. The worst was.. I still wanted to be with you. If you had came back I would have said yes in a heartbeat. I was always thinking of you, no matter who I was with, and yes, it includes Louis."

I stared at her, blinking a few times but still remained silent. I didn't want to let go of her hands and I also didn't want to talk. I thought it was just time to listen.

"I just... I went in bars and clubs to change my mind, I tried to date other people, I tried to drink my pain away... I just wanted to get over you and nothing worked, because I had nothing left." She paused again and shrugged. "I learned that making you the center of my life was not a good idea but it was something I was used to, I did it since I was a kid. Now I don't want to do things for you, Niall. I want to do things for us, and I want you to do the same. It's a team work. I mean, it's us against the world, right? That's what we said?"

I sent her a bigger smile and nodded. "It is. You and me."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #1dff #my fanfics #yam

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adhdvane · 3 years

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i have so much angel halo fodder to farm but its magna fes so now is the best time to do it anyways i’m gunna try and 5* eahta today/tomorrow/at least before 25th is a reasonable goal. i need to max 11 more silver relics so 11 lazuline vessels for that + it takes 745990 exp (approximately ~25 lazuline vessels) to go from lv 1 to 150 (but I might be able to do it in less with journey drop boosts when using them since it seems to say that journey drop boosts and such only have no effect on the exp gain when putting weapons into the reserve and not the act of using the vessel on a item and vessels are also special considering unlike other exp upgrader items they can have a chance of grand success and its double jour drops right now so might as well) then other than that all i need are 6 more silver centrums, 4 of which i can get from just hosting the raid twice today (if i somehow get blessed i can get all six if i can get them to drop from the share chest both times) (otherwise getting 8 more heavenly horns from just joining raids to get 10 to trade for the other 2 centrums will be easy) (i have the two peacemaker stars for the two hosts) (i then proceeded to ramble too long so the rest is under the cut. ii keep writing shit out tat’s too long and then just deleting everything and never posing my rambling anymore but like fuck it at this point im keeping this)

and that’s it, i already did the awakening step on all 10 katanas yesterday which was the most painful step bc need 500 white dragon scales will always be the worst step in my opinions, which is why i spent yesterday getting to like 438 yesterday using the campaign exclusive quest (bc the drop rate for scales on that quest is surprisingly amazing considering the low ap cost even after you’ve done it 30 times) (but i ended up quitting 438 and then proceeded to buy the remaining 62 with cerulean stone bc i have a bunch still and tbh the only thing worth spending cerulean stones on are white dragon scales or shit like translucent silk, broken teacup, coverging rays, etc bc the drop rate for those is stupid, and i guess technically i’m going to need those 50 jumbo best bones when i get to the 5* part of death, but i still have more than enough stones if i wanted to buy all 50 of those drops and i’ll defiantly be getting even more after the roulette starts so i’m not even concerned, bc yeah i got the sunlight stone now for death but i’m still pretty damn far from deal w/death, though maybe not as far as i think if i just remember to host my go and primarch raids for a couple days, wow yeah actually im stupidly closer than i thought bc im only 12 celus fragments from all 30 i need, the only annoying issue in the last step is going to be taking the time to farm the 10 primeval horns bc sometimes they don’t drop when you join proto hl, i know its guaranteed from share i’m just always weary about hosting that raid since it is 18-man elixir limited and i can’t solo it, and have had a time in the past were i was only joined by people leaching and it sucks when only you and like 1 other person contribute. so i always feel better join one bc i can make a decent contribution (and even like sort of mvp race or usually more vice mvp race for like 2nd or 3rd) (okay one time i joined a proto baha hl raid that was between like 70~60% bc it was on earth and 8 ppl already, and upon joining discovered like most of them had jumped ship, and the log was dead and was like well fuck, but started raiding anyways, and trying to send back up requests anyways, ended up getting some momentum, painfully got it always through to 50% dark by my self (kind of annoyed i took my light grid with my spheric harp bc i thought it was going to be an instance were it would get to 50% super fast so the off element wouldn’t matter and not that everyone but host had retreated) and then like around ~45% another person finally joined and me and this one other person destroyed the rest of the boss in like a minute, that was one of like 4 or 5 times i’ve mvp’d proto baha hl upon joining. tbh i kinda wish i knew what the host was doing, like if they were sitting there watching, was afk, or had like left the raid page to do other things. like if they were just hoping someone would come in and beat it for them, or had sorta given up but didnt want to fully end the raid just incase, look okay i just felt fucking good thinking i helped out a lower rank player get through a hl raid that they were abandoned on by several other players who appeared to have either not being strong enough, or joined saw the damage and jumped ship bc it looked like it was going to fail. though if i remember correctly the time limit was pretty far gone so that’s probably also why no one was joining, i was just a dumb fuck who didn’t look at the time before i joined, then realized, and then just fucking felt bad and was like well fuck it lets see how far i can go by myself bc clearly everyone else is dead and i don’t have anything to lose and im not stoping anyone else from potentially saving this bc there’s still like 7 slots open that anyone can join at any time...) anyways the last thing i wanted to say was i remember i was like a little peeved when they announced everyone who finished chapter 4.5 in the demon slayer collab would get kengo for free bc FARMING FOR KENGO AROUND THE TIME IT CAME OUT HURT BC I HADN’T BEEN HL FOR VERY LONG SO IT TOOK A LOT OF EFFORT, esp like bc extra II class suck worse than row iv bc you have to make the ccw element change for every goddamn class. but i was glad they compensated us with materials and i was mostly just glad for the extra silver centrums and steel brick (even tho i just realized i have fucking 50 steel bricks where the fuck did those come from like i don’t remember having so many), but i remember thinking to myself like oh wow thank 40 samurai distinctions, thats so useful, wow, what am i going to do make another murakumo and unsigned kaneshige?? i think im good. guess those will sit there forever... and then a couple days ago when i started thinking about finishing eahta up since i literally finished farming the demon slayer event the day after the second half was unlocked (when u can just auto extreme+ with ur fire team u don’t have to do shit, i got all the items i wanted and after than even played to get the 200 battle trophy for the heck of it. i only wanted the tickets, ring, dama crystals, steel, summon unlock mats just ‘cause those spellbooks, skill jewels, the fire urns bc i know they’re farmable but they’re annoying and i am low on fire urns, and then i was like i guess the summon since it’s a 1 copy only thing and can’t be reduced even though i’ll literally never use it bc i have gabriel and gabriel has a sub aura, i guess maybe it could be potentially useful for prometheus solo’ing because of the 1 turn debuff resistance, but the times i did solo prometheus i never had problems running out of veils or clears and tbh garnet carbuncle has a shorter cooldown and again i’ve got lily and gabriel already (and 5* lucifer now) so like i’d much rather have my four summon slots for that be gabe, moon ssr, luci, garnet carbuncle. (heck i don’t even take extra damage cuts for the wilnas trial vane, lily, gabriel, and 5* feower’s gravity and delaying the everloving shit out of wilnas is enough for me, though i’ve never done the raid so maybe it would be helpful there.) anyways then i just spend the rest of the event drops on half elixers, and back to what i was saying i was thinking about finishing eahta and looking at all the mats i need and then remember oh yeah i need 30 class distinctions don’t i? which ones do i need for eahta??? oH THAT’S RIGHT. SAMURAI DISTINCTIONS. so that fuckin worked out perfect (not that i don’t have the pendents to just buy them anyways). anyways im going to shut up now and probably never re-read any of this ramble i wrote ever again bc adhd brain be like no read only write

#dumb text post #sammy be quiet #sammy liveblogs about granblue #sammy no #imafuckingidiot #sammy rambles #wow look at all this time i spent wasting writing this post like an idiot instead of auto farming angel halo #goddamnit

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hanreflects · 5 years

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10/28/19

Today was one of those days. I woke up foggy from smoking too much weed the night before and literally felt negative and foggy all the way throughout the school day and now its 3:27pm and I’m trying to have a new start. However, that crazy thing is happening in my body where there are voices growing louder and louder. Also, every single sound that my ears and brain process sounds like its growing louder and is attacking me. It feels like the more I type, the louder the typing noise is and the more it is interpreted in my body with so much insane amounts of stress, like that as I am typing that there is someone saying out loud in an angry tone toward me. The voice grows louder and more angry and more stressed and aggressive and it will not quiet. I smoked some from my weed pen and it only continues to grow louder, the weed did not still or calm the voices. And the stress continues to grow like something bad is about to happen, but nothing bad is actually happening it is like an illusion. Like I’m sitting here panicking but actually everything is fine.

I feel like within a few minutes it will quiet. I’m going to try an experiment.

I love you

Everything is okay

You are going to be okay

Just wait until it passes for a few more minutes.

Work today was frustrating because (mostly because) of my own headspace. Like I simply felt like I was waiting all day to wake up. I thought the foggy would pass sooner, but alas it did not so I was essentially impatient and grumpy all day. This weekend I spent time doing things that were hopefully going to sooth me and make me ready for the week. I still think in the end I did a great job with self-care and that the weakness of my weekend was doing so much to my body that is self-destructive sometimes. Like i smoked a shit ton of weed all three nights, and drank a lot on Saturday night. I stayed up late and I didn’t process my thoughts and emotions.

My therapist said that she’d love to see me writing more, and I too would love to see me writing more. So this tumblr titled, “Han Reflects”, is me making a space in the universe to process my thoughts freely and only for me. I want to reflect and process more, so that I can be the most engaged and present in my life. It’s okay to check-out every once in a while, but recently I’ve been doing a lot more checking-out than engaging in my life. It’s like life is so much and it just feels unbearable to make it through an entire day without checking-out. Most days actually every day I come home and immediately smoke a cig on the patio. I sneak the last bit of sun, or put my feet up for the first time all day. I then go on my phone for an hour, and then usually I struggle to get up and go where I am supposed to be later that night, like a date with a friend or therapy or to clean the Airbnb or go work out or something. These habits don’t help me process, take care of my mood and mindset and physical health, nor do they help me rest and rejuvenate even though my impulses like to think they do.

If I were to zoom out on my life and analyze it like a literary novel, I would do a character study on my habits and values. Based on a data chart of how I spend my time, it appears that my greatest values are belonging, euphoria and learning. My habits are reading NYT, smoking cigs, sex, smoking weed, therapy, art making, time with mariel and alicia, taking meds, masturbating, youtube, social media, cooking, grocery shopping, calling my mom, instagram, cleaning, driving, shopping. I do things to make me feel good, experience floating, push me toward moments of euphoria and giddy energy. I like to learn about what’s happening in the news and with the people whose lives I watch pictures of. I want to belong to a family, a person, a community and I spend lots of quality time investing in the relationships that really matter to me: Mom Dad Matt Zach Mariel Alicia Lennox

I have pretty low balances in my bank account right now but I get paid in a couple days. There’s a long list of new clothes that I want to purchase. I spent a shit ton on clothes and goodies this past month, way more excessive than I ever have I think. I feel like its a pendulum movement that started in August when I dropped $366 at Urban Outfitters. Speaking of which, I sent two emails of feedback to Urban Outfitters and Airbnb on Friday.

Its hard to stay focused, there’s all kind of thoughts and feelings buzzing about in my mind.

Last night I sat on the porch at sunset, smoking a cig of course, and I watched the light shine through the leaves of the trees in my alley way. It was golden light and there is a spot where the light is hitting the roof of a home and the roof intersects visually with leaves of a tree waving in the wind. There were wee bugs flying and drifting about in this space of intersection, appearing like fireflies with their backs reflecting sun’s light. The moved about and I watched them, amazed and mesmerized.

Time moves quickly, there is never enough time but mostly never enough natural motivation and incentive to do the hard work of life. To go to the grocery store, to the gym, to the walk around the block, to the forgotten friend’s porch, to call your brother, to stay sober, to read and to study and to do the inconvenient but ultimately helpful and life bettering tasks like vacuuming out your car and returning your Everlane order.

What holds you back? Is it too hard to stay with a sober mind? Is it too much to bear the anxiety of being in public? Is it too much to ask you to give a little more after work, after giving your whole self away over and over and over? Is it too much to endure intentional conversation which wears you out? Is it too much to bear the discomfort of panting, sweating and mental frustration? Is it too much to focus on reading more than a few pages of a good story? Is it too much to bend over and scrub out the mold from the floor of your car? Yes that one is too much.

I am twenty two. I turn twenty three in 16 days. That’s pretty exciting but also intimidating, like woah Im 23 im bout to be 24 then 25 then 26 then 27 then 28 then 29 then 30, like that was so easy to type out all those numbers and already its 30>??? The years are just going to fly by as quick as I typed them, 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100. ?

80-22=58

If i live to be 80, then I’ve only got 58 more years to live. Wow! I’m like a quarter of the way through my life. Thats a significant chunk. I hope that I get to live until I’m 100 as long as I have love in my heart.

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fictionalrat · 7 years

Text

let it happen | chapter one

pairing: klance

a/n: i’m pretty shit at summaries

IT’S A COLLEGE AU BRO | lance’s working on a new creative writing project. that’s it, that’s all i’m gonna give y’all.

read on ao3

“No.”

Lance drops his cue on the floor dramatically.

“LANCE!” Shiro warns from behind the bar, making Lance wince and throw him an apologetic smile over his shoulder.

“LOVE YOU, TAKASHI!” Lance yells back, then looks back at Keith and whines. “AWWWW COME ON, KEITH!!!!!” He throws his head back like a tantrum-throwing kid, his arms flailing.

“Nope.” Keith leans over the table, aims and takes the shot, his cue slides smoothly between his fingers. The ball falls into the pocket with a satisfying thunk. He points at Lance and smirks so fucking proud of himself Lance almost combusts, “SCORE, SUCKER.”

“Wow.” Lance bats his eyelashes, adding a sweet lilt to his voice, “Great shot there, Mullet. I didn’t know you were so awesome, I’m impressed.”

Keith scoffs. “That’s a…” He stares at Lance dead in the eyes, “no.”

Lance juts out his bottom lip, picking up his cue dejectedly and getting back to the game. He goes silent for a moment only to take his shot, the ball hits the side of the pocket and bounces back, taking away his hopes and dreams, so Lance curses. Keith snorts, then shrugs when Lance looks at him like he’d just shot a puppy.

“Seriously Keiiiiith,” He implores, “I need your help. Pretty, pretty please. I’ll do whatever you want. Pleeeeaaassseeeeeee.”

Keith hums thoughtfully, considering, with his chin propped on the tip of his cue, “Nope.” His lips pop around the last syllable.

“PLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEEEEEEEAAAAASE.”

“Yeah, okay.”

Lance brightens. “Really?” He asks, his heart swelling with hope.

Keith snorts, “Course not, dumbass. Quit being a baby and get back to the game. Jesus!”

Lance huffs indignantly but yields. For now.

Day 1

“Yo, Keith!” He calls out when he spots that ugly mullet hunched over a stack of books. Keith’s head shots up so fast his glasses go askew when he hears his name and Lance smiles to himself. Keith’s frown turns into an ugly glare when he realizes it’s Lance who’s approaching him.

“Keep quiet, you fiend,” Keith reprimands him, adjusting his glasses as Lance dumps himself on the chair next to Keith’s. Lance waves him off, so Keith turns his attention back to his books.

“So Keith,” Lance taps his fingers on the table.

Keith hums in lieu of an answer, his glasses sliding down the bridge of his nose as he scribbles down on his notepad. Lance thinks that’s kind of adorable.

“Are you sure you don’t wanna help me? Like, super sure? 100%?”

Keith sighs and glowers up at him, his brows furrowed in annoyance, “Are you really gonna do this right now? Can’t you wait a minute? I’m trying to study.”

“I don’t mind waiting, go ahead,” Lance shrugs, grinning. Keith squints at him for a second before pushing his glasses up and going back to his notes. Lance picks up one of the open books on the table and flips through its pages absentmindedly.

“Keith,” Lance calls when he gets too bored, closing the book and throwing it back on the table. Keith ignores him, though. So he tries again, louder. “Keith!”

Keith clenches his jaw.

“Keith,” Lance singsongs. “Keith, Keith, Keith, Keith. Keiiiiithhhhh!”

Keith rolls his eyes, still not looking at him.

“Awwwwwww Keith,” Lance cries, pouting, “Why are you like this? I’m hurt.”

Lance freezes when a new, polite yet annoyed voice pipes in behind him. “Sir,” He looks over his shoulder so he can see the librarian frowning at him, her arms crossed, “would you mind keeping your voice down or should I call security?”

Lance looks back at Keith for help, his eyes pleading. Keith isn’t looking at him, though, but at the woman instead.

Keith’s mouth twitches. “Oh please do,” he insists, dropping his pen down on his notepad so he can mimic her stance, “I’m trying to study here but this guy here’s getting in the way, so I’d truly appreciate if you did kick him out.”

Lance gapes at him, the asshole! He clamps his mouth shut, then turns to the librarian. He grimaces apologetically at her. “I’m sorry, ma'am.” He says, “There’s no need for that, I’ll shut up.”

She squints at him, skeptical, but nods and leaves anyway.

Lance thunks his forehead on the table and groans. “I hate you,” Lance hisses under his breath. He hears Keith chuckle, then groans again.

Asshole.

Day 2

Lance trudges into the bathroom with his laptop in one hand and aggressively pulls the shower curtain open with the other. “Keith, I really need your help with this.” He waves his laptop at Keith.

“WHAT THE FUCK.” Keith yelps, covering his crotch with the shampoo bottle. Lance can’t focus on Keith’s dick when his mullet’s all foamy and ridiculous like that. He can’t help but snort. “I already told you no, you fucking pervert.” Keith snarls, “Get out.”

Lance doesn’t dwell on Keith’s mullet too much, he’s a man on a mission, after all. He pouts, “I’m serious, Keith! This is important.”

“I don’t care, get the fuck out.”

“But Keith,” he whines.

“No,” Keith throws the bottle he’s holding at Lance’s head. Lance yelps and almost drops his laptop trying to dodge it.

Lance gapes at him, hugging his laptop to his chest, “CAREFUL, KEITH!”

“Out!” Keith growls, throwing the conditioner bottle at him this time.

“Ugh, fine!” Lance grumbles, defeated and stomps out of the bathroom.

Day 3

“Okay, I have an idea.”

“Shoot,” Keith says as he straps on his gloves.

Lance cracks his neck, “If I win this match, you’ll help me with my story.”

Keith scoffs as he jumps on his spot, rolling his shoulders.

Lance levels him with a look and adopts a fighting stance, “I’m serious.”

Keith lifts one eyebrow, challenging, “Come at me, then.” He beckons Lance forward with his hands.

Lance lunges at him, pulling him into a headlock. Keith hooks his arms around Lance’s thigh, hoists him up by the crotch and throws him down on the mat. Lance grunts and scrambles back on his feet.

He’s back on the floor in a matter of seconds, his torso pressed to the mat by Keith’s forearms as he straddles Lance’s ass, “Do you yield?”

Lance taps the mat twice and Keith rolls off him, cackling triumphantly.

Day 4

Lance (10:20 p.m.)

hey keith

Lance (10:22 p.m.)

keith

Lance (10:23 p.m.)

KEITH

Lance (10:26 p.m.)

key lime pie

keithypoo

keef

keithy kat

Keith (10:34 p.m.)

the fuck do u want

also why are u texting me???

ure literally a door away u idiot

Lance (10:35 p.m.)

im feeling too lazy

Keith (10:40 p.m.)

okay

what do u want???

Lance (10:42 p.m.)

i need ur help with something

Lance (10:48 p.m.)

KEITH ANSWER ME

Keith (10:50 p.m.)

oH HELL NO

not this again

[eyeroll emoji]

ask one of ur classmates

Lance (10:52 p.m.)

but keeeeeiiiiiiiiiiiith

they dont know me like u do

also they dont have ur mad editing skills

plus theyre not my friends

Keith (10:54 p.m.)

im not ur friend either

i just need u to split the rent

Lance (10:55 p.m.)

THATS A LIE AND U KNOW IT

Lance (10:56 p.m.)

right?

Lance (11:00 p.m.)

RIGHT?????????

DONT IGNORE ME KEITH

Keith (11:01 p.m.)

Lance (11:01 p.m.)

OMG

I FUCKING HATE U

U ASSHOLE

Keith (11:05 p.m.)

good night lance :)

Lance (11:06 p.m.)

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GO PISS UP A FLAGPOLE

Keith (11:07 p.m.)

Day 5

Knuckles rap on his door.

“Can I come in?” Lance asks.

“Yeah, Lance,” Keith says, taking off his glasses and sitting up on his bed. He rubs his eyes, yawning.

Lance enters Keith’s bedroom with a pout and his laptop clutched to his chest.

Keith rolls his eyes and sighs, slumping back on his bed. “Okay, fine!” He relents, rubbing his temples, “I’ll do it, I’ll edit your fucking porn.”

Lance splutters indignantly, “I TOLD YOU ALREADY KEITH, IT’S EROTICA!!!”

Keith snorts, “Yeah, whatever.”

#klance #keith #lance #klance fic #voltron fic #voltron #vld #keith x lance #my stuff

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