#last month dnd got canceled so we had academic hour where my friend and another from our party did homework and i just sat in | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justtogetthrough · 2 years

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Coincidentally, I booked the movers for November 19th which is exactly 1 month after I started paying rent at the new place, October 19th. Means nothing really but it's interesting to me that's the day I had to book. It could have been a month plus or minus a few days. But it wasn't.

This time next week all my furniture and belongings are going to be loaded into an 800 sq ft apartment and I'm going to be ignoring all of it, watching TV in person together with my best friend instead of online over discord for a change.

Today we went to Toronto and when we got back to the carpool lot where we meet up when I'm in my old town, they gave me a hug. I don't know why, other than that they know I love when they hug me and probably because today I was more tired and withdrawn than usual from packing/stressing and I think they just wanted to cheer me up.

I love them more than words can describe and it's absolutely crazy to me that a mere year and a half after meeting them, I'm putting my whole trust in them and moving to their property. They are the centre of my world after being so lost and alone for the last 3 and a half years. They are the only light I've had in some real dark moments. I hope I can meet new people out there and not rely on them for everything soon like I've had to this past year because I'm scared to saddle them with this burden for any longer than need to. They met me at such a low point in my life and for some reason they have loved me through it all, despite having just met me, and they have done more for me than anyone else has ever been able to. They had a unique opportunity to help and they jumped at it when they could have just... not.

Packing up this house that was supposed to be home for my kid and me is so scary and emotional. Moving to a place where my friend and their family are the only people I know, and living on their property, being entirely vulnerable and dependent on them is so scary and emotional. But here I am. Alive because of this chance to leave where I am and escape so many of the things that haunt me. Going somewhere where I'm loved. Somewhere where my flaws are all very known and yet not once has my friend revoked their love and care or told me I'm being dramatic or that I'm too much.

It's so hard to wrap my head around.

#last month dnd got canceled so we had academic hour where my friend and another from our party did homework and i just sat in #cuz im a huge nerd and likr school #my friend made a comment about how theyd known the other person for 10 years and me for only 1.5 years #but that its been a ''very intense'' year and a half #and it made me laugh cuz yeah wow we got real intense real fast #april 29 is when they asked to add me to fb and then turned their phone off for the weekend #and i spent all weekend in a bpd euphoria and joking to my kid that im so gay i want to move out to that area already #we hadnt even started talking outside of work but i was dead infatuated 😂#then 11 months later they did ask me to move out there. not only to their region but to their actual farm #that will never not be funny to me. i mean the reason for moving is entirely diffrrent than it was that first weekend but.#here i go.#i dont really know how we got here or why things clicked like they did but yeah its been a short and intense friendship. thats fir sure #in 7 days im going to be there for good. my house will hit the market 3 days after that. theres no coming back. im all in.#i dont know if i have ever trusted anyone like this before. ive had multiple opportunities to move in with people i dated #one included moving to a new country. i just about went. backed out at the last minute bc i couldnt trust him.#all the times i had known the people longer than ive known this friend. but no one has ever felt as safe as this person.#so here i am.#its so scary and emotional.#personal #o

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theory-of-a-fandom · 5 years

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I dunno I just wanted to talk about this to something... something not involved, something that won’t take a side or yell.

I lost my best friend (E) nearly 6 months ago. I still have them on social media, and I still like their posts and I still miss them. But we don’t talk. They were...almost the person who saved me? The first person who I trusted with all of me. Being their friend led to so many of my firsts: my first sleepover, my first kiss, my first relationship, the first friendship group where I felt wanted, actually wanted rather than just pitied.

We met when we...what 15? We got talking, we both love anime, and that led to them coming round my house for 3 days straight. We watched horror lets plays and ate 3-day old pizza. It was the best few days of my life back then. I’d never had that before, never really felt like anyone wanted me. I was the nerdy fat kid ya know?

But after that, well we were joined at the hip. We joined the same clubs, we did the same things, we went to parties together. Two of their friends joined us (C and D), as did my other two friends (which was a relief as my friends were dating, and I had become the very awkward third wheel to them ‘star-gazing’ on the stairs). And that made school bearable. It made me actually look forward to social times.

My best friend would spend every Wednesday at mine, they couldn’t get home till late that day so of course, just come to mine. We’d read Homestuck, do homework and just laugh. It was fantastic. I miss that.

They got a boyfriend (C), one of the friends that moved with them. I was so happy for them, and everything was great. I became super close to him. I was learning to open up, I was talking about my feelings for the first time...ever? I hated myself, yes, and we were both self-harming and exams were coming and it was so stressful but I remember that year in a golden haze. For the first time, I wasn’t completely miserable.

They then broke up. It was awkward and uncomfy. They refused to speak to each other until I sat them down and got them to talk. They fixed it and got back together. It was essentially us three against the world.

We miss each other’s 16th parties - I’m ill for theirs, they cancel for mine.

Then we got to leave school. E and D went off to do a course at the local college and C and I stayed on for further study. I got very close to C, people thought we were dating. We talked about everything: mental health; their relationship; my sexuality, all of that. Then I met J. Our group soon became me, E, C, D and J.

We would all hang out at the weekends, it was great. Until E started cancelling plans last minute. The bus was late (I see them as I leave school, meeting C), they just wanna see C. It hurts - I am still a very insecure person, but these things happen, I get it.

J became my first boyfriend after months of friendship. Everything was fine before this. Now E hates him. So much. We dated for 2 months until I learnt that he didn’t know No meant No. We all recover.

E has made so many new friends at college, they don’t have a lot of spare time - and fair enough, I have exams to study for, I understand. We see each other when we can. I develop an eating disorder.

Wednesdays stop happening. There is silence for a while, but then everything is good.

C and I finish school, E restarts more academic work. I turn 18 - E cancels being the only friend I invited over to celebrate. I go to the local uni. Both E and C come to my dorms, we celebrate. C and I grow more distant. Tuesdays become a thing. E sees me on Tuesdays, C on Saturdays and Thursdays. That works. This is the Schedule that must be kept.

Their pets get sick, their crying. C can’t be bothered to go with them to the vets, so I walk an hour, miss my lecture, and go and sit with them and get us food. I calm them down. They help me over the phone with panic attacks. Then this gets less. They’re with C all the time, C needs them. My eating disorder and self-harming get bad.

Summer comes around and it’s okay again. We all crash in my giant bed. E keeps telling C to kiss me. He does. That...happens. It’s... comfy, I trust him. There’s a guy(A) who is interested in me, who comes into my work, and I do not realise at allllll that he likes me. I have no clue. A and E are friends. He walks up the stairs to their 18th party, sees me, and walks down again, takes a few minutes and comes back up. I end up crying on him for a while but he’s nice. E tells me all the ways he’s a bad guy.

A and I hang out with groups, I still don’t believe he’s interested in me. I have a family emergency, but E and I are still told to take our holiday. It’s great. We share a bed, we spoon, we’re close. They keep saying we’re closer than just friends, but idk, their my best friend, isn’t this how it’s supposed to be?

A situation with A leads me to having a panic attack in a taxi on the way home from a club. E is so angry with him, and so am I. But he apologises, so much. I figure we can be friends. We start talking. We end up talking a lot. E is a bit funny about him. They say they have a crush on him (E and C are in a poly relationship), and then they have a crush on me. I don’t know what to say.

E and C stay over. We get drunk. E gives C a bj in my bed, I cover my eyes, uncomfy but C uncovers and makes me watch. I don’t know what to do. We don’t talk about it. We’re all just friends - at least in my mind.

A asks me out a few days later. We’d been skirting around it for a few weeks. I say yes, and I am so happy. He takes me out for dinner and walks me home. It’s my first date. It’s magical. I tell E. They cry and the next day we get coffee and they start talking about our poly relationship. (??)

It turns out E has asked to sleep with A, knowing we’re dating. A and I are both uncomfy. But we move past it. Just E and A start fighting. E and I are going to a convention, and are going to a party the night before. We both, dumbly, get very drunk. E gets very high. I’m just happy to be there, I don’t get to go out a lot, and it’s my first party with a boyfriend. E wants to leave, I want to stay. I say let's stay another hour. E storms off into the night, leaving me at the party, smashed and in near tears. A cheers me up, and A and D walk me back to Es. A walks me in, E starts yelling, telling me to just get out, I start having a panic attack. A is trying to calm E down, I’m just crying. Eventually, things calm down.

We go to the con, E isn’t talking to me. The day just kinda sucks. I see A in the evening and things get better.

During the next week E isn’t talking to me. I take them out to lunch to apologise - this is something I really struggle with. I really struggle with not being perfect but I do it. I don’t expect complete and instant forgiveness, but I do expect some form of acceptance? Yes, I shouldn’t have let you leave the party alone but you shouldn’t have just stormed out. What I get is them yelling at me that ‘actions have consequences’ and how I’ve become a bad person. I’m in near tears but I accept it.

Things are awkward.

Tuesdays are moved to Thursdays. I ask every day is Thursday still on? Yes. Thursday comes around - either a cancel the hour before or just a no show.

We’ve been playing DND for a while now, A dming. Its gotten to the point that if E goes partying the night before they just won’t show up. So we get used to this, it just sucks that we won’t be told until 5 minutes before we start. And E and I aren’t really talking. E is so rude to me during DND, won’t talk to me out of character and insults me in character, trying to start to a fight. I’m not proud of it but I rise up to it but try to defuse it but they won’t have it. And then, E goes out partying the Saturday night. 10 minutes before we start, I’m walking there after work - we get a message saying E and their sister are no longer playing the campaign. E had messaged A that they weren’t coming - fair enough, though other people went out with you and it’s 5pm the next day you’ve spent the entire day in bed how are you still hungover??? - and A had planned for this. E takes this as not being wanted. A goes and buys a bottle of rum and walks across town to talk with E. E won’t open the door. A comes back to mine and we realise we can’t play this campaign anymore - we don’t have enough people.

So E and I are awkward. A and E aren’t talking. Eventually - after many more cancelled last minute plans and no contact - I message E saying I know you’ve got a lot going on right now, but I’m hurt that you’re not talking to me, and keep cancelling out plans. (It was a while ago). I get a message back. “You’re right - I do have a lot going on right now and it’s none of your business.”

I am so hurt. A is pissed at E for talking to me like that. I don’t know what to do. It’s the first time I’ve ever aired a grievance with E - I was so scared of saying something and losing them.

A few weeks pass - I get another message. “And what have I supposedly cancelled?” I tell them, and “the schedule isn’t serious”. .... If it was on a day they were meant to be with C I could have not eaten in days, been having a panic attack and wanting to die but nope, it’s C’s day. The Schedule you know. But for me? No. No time.

I eventually say if they even have time to still be friends. They message me a bunch of rude stuff, delete it, and then say I’ve changed since getting a boyfriend. I’ve grown a backbone - says everyone else in my life. I get a message that I’ve hurt them and they need space.

A proposes to me. It’s a sign of commitment - we have to start doing a ldr, and I am so happy. We keep it quiet. He leaves. E and I still aren’t talking. A comes back to visit and we go to a party. We both get drunk, and A tells everyone we’re engaged. Everyone is surprised - we haven’t been dating long and we’re both 19. But they’re happy for us - our close friend literally said he’s never seen anyone look at someone how A looks at me before. E is at this party.

After A leaves again, I get a message - you really engaged? yes. Fucks sake. What does your mum think? it’s quiet, she doesn’t know. Hah. Well good luck with that shitshow.

I am so hurt.

We haven’t really spoken since. And it hurts, it really does. They were so important to me. I let them walk all over me - and I know shouldn’t have but I was so scared of losing them. So scared that if I said anything they would leave. But they kept saying, for years, no, you can tell me anything. And I did. And they left.

I still miss them. So much. I have new friends, but I miss E. And it sucks.

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