#just watch some other dipshit get high and realize it’s not goddamn worth it it’s a miserable experience | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thetriggeredhappy · 1 year

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Sniper canonically takes mind-altering substances (and shared them with Miss Pauling; I wonder which of the other mercs have had the same privilege?).

tw: drug mention throughout, not in a particularly joking manner

real answer, i think most of the mercs generally have the life experience and general attitude that makes them not fuck around too heavily with psychedelics or hallucinogens, with the exception of sniper (already canon), pyro, medic, maybe demo or scout. spy engie and heavy have been mercs for a minute and probably know better than to mess with anything that could set off paranoia especially in their loudass terrible base, soldier i think canonically has a thing against drugs because of their association with hippies?, and demo and scout im on the fence about because i really don’t know, it’d be down to personal interpretation. my problem is that i understand from personal experience that just witnessing someone else having a bad trip on any kind of psychedelic or hallucinogen is enough to convince you not to try, and anyone with experience with drugs will warn you off of the more addictive stuff before you can get that far, and i wouldn’t be shocked if valve suddenly abruptly made it canon that like half of the team have tried any given harder drug at some point in their life. spy plus cocaine, for example, isn’t a huge stretch of the imagination—it wasn’t nearly as taboo when he would’ve theoretically been a young adult as it is today. but to be perfectly honest i think basically any conversation along the lines of “ENGINEER from TEAM fortress WEED BUNT??” is a bit reductive and drugs being used for shock value comedy reads as a bit too lazy for my tastes

joke answers include “scout teamfortress is told by sniper that the snacks he stole from the fridge were weed edibles and he like freaks out for three hours thinking he’s high but really sniper just lied to make scout stop touching his food” and “spy trips on acid and they next find him in barcelona because he managed to get an egg out of the fridge while on his trip and became convinced he couldn’t take care of it and needed to get as far away as possible before they found the egg murdered and accused him of it”

#tf2 #team fortress 2 #shut up me #everybody talks #not to get too detailed but i’ve had to babysit people under the influence of various things before #don’t do drugs not because of the boogeyman or anything but because that’s the most embarrasing shit you can ever do to yourself #had a friend literally eat a picture i’d drawn and put on the fridge. then he spent 6 hours thinking if he closed his eyes he would die #just watch some other dipshit get high and realize it’s not goddamn worth it it’s a miserable experience #tw: drugs #tw: drug mention

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japiform · 3 years

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Chat Logs: Give Context

po57c0nt3n7 > how long have you known

japiform eh, i didn't really care to pay attention til you two started talkin though i'll admit, i'm new enough to this shit that i didn't really question it when i immediately assumed you was from here so. i dunno. the whole time?

po57c0nt3n7 > ok

japiform why?

po57c0nt3n7 > why do you think

japiform no clue was i supposed ta tell you immediately? i ain't really got down the ettiquettes of this exact situation guess my lusus forgot to teach me

po57c0nt3n7 > oh so now youre asking about etiquette > its ok im not mad at you

japiform .... You have never been told that before. oh?

po57c0nt3n7 > its my fault it happened like this anyway

japiform oh is this what we're doin?

po57c0nt3n7 > what > no im just telling the truth

japiform yeah cool whatever look i ain't one to stop a good pity party, but actually yeah i am they're annoying to watch and you're way funnier with that fake ass confidence it's a joke, dumbass at your expense cosmic variety you didn't realize. she didn't realize. darkleer didn't realize, and he pegged me fuckin instantly. a gods damned who's on first of reunions

po57c0nt3n7 > he pegged you lol

japiform hahaha he wishes

po57c0nt3n7 > also that wasnt me > well it was me but not really

japiform yeah yeah somethin about masks and faked confidence and maybe algorithms or somethin this is the real you, a mopey guilty asshole

po57c0nt3n7 > no i literally made an ai that i was using for data harvesting you goddamn moron > and you broke it

japiform hahahahahahaha that's fuckin funny no wonder it didn't recognize her i ain't never broke an ai before what part did it?

po57c0nt3n7 > its like asking a metal detector to find a red wall > the part where you threw it at the red wall dipshit

japiform hahahahahaha what data was you harvestin?

po57c0nt3n7 > in line with the metaphor > whether or not the metal thats responsible for the color red was present

japiform huh abstract

po57c0nt3n7 > yeah well i didnt exactly have the resources or the capacity for anything more complicated than that unfortunately > which is why im not mad at you

japiform huh what resources do you need that you don't have?

po57c0nt3n7 > power > security > not being a coward chickenshit

japiform a battery not havin enough power. kinda funny don't think i can help with that shit

po57c0nt3n7 > why would you want to help

japiform beats what i'm doin now

po57c0nt3n7 > you mean jack shit

japiform hahaha exactly

po57c0nt3n7 > i know > she keeps tabs on you

japiform how surprising damn, i didn't know that becomin a high ranking government official would mean i'd be *watched* now i'm scared of what'll happen if i *don't* help the empress's favorite pet

po57c0nt3n7 > you say dumb shit a lot > does it ever get boring

japiform hahaha yeah if you don't want help, i can just keep twiddlin my thumbs no fuckin skin off my big red nose

po57c0nt3n7 > i dont know

japiform eh. i'm old. i can wait. or maybe i'll die tomorrow either way

po57c0nt3n7 > you wont die tomorrow

japiform then i can wait :o)

po57c0nt3n7 > ok do that

japiform hahaha

-----

japiform 1hp huh

po57c0nt3n7 > thematically appropriate eheh

japiform ha you bout to kick it?

po57c0nt3n7 > if i dont outlive your wrinkled ass i would never let myself live it down

japiform hahahahaha and how do you intend to prolong your dying battery?

po57c0nt3n7 > as long as physically possible > orr at least until i can make it up to survivor

japiform that's sweet but you answered the wrong question, dumbfuck

po57c0nt3n7 > yeah

japiform lemme rephrase through what means do you intend to prolong your miserable life

po57c0nt3n7 > why do you care

japiform i already told you ain't you got access to your memory? update ya ram or some shit i got nothin better to do this shit makes for good tv

po57c0nt3n7 > i try to access my memories as little as possible > ive some stuff happening in the background

japiform so you've got it handled

po57c0nt3n7 > yes > have any of your helmsman ever told you about the peer-to-peer helm network

japiform hahaha none of my helms tell me shit without me knowin enough to ask first

po57c0nt3n7 > smart

japiform yeah so tell me about it

po57c0nt3n7 > in laymans terms its like a mini internet basically

japiform peer to peer is what fuckers use to pirate shit, right?

po57c0nt3n7 > its not supposed to exist obviously but i doubt you really give a shit

japiform nope it's funny

po57c0nt3n7 > its something the first helmsman cooked up when they realized the trolls who set up the helmsblocks put it all on the same server for lazy asshole reasons > they could connect to eachother over the broadband network

japiform i follow

po57c0nt3n7 > over the last eons its become a hub for noobs and veterans to communicate > keep everyone in the loop > for the last two weeks ive been uploading packets

japiform startin to get the feeling i've been bein handled but go on

po57c0nt3n7 > well duh youre a figurehead at best

japiform hahaha thanks

po57c0nt3n7 > np babe > anyway these packets are 1-1 data dumps of my memories > i figured if i do kick it > other helmsman can stll learn from me i guess > i just have to hold on a little longer while it all compiles

japiform that's a special sorta sad and so fuckin dull

po57c0nt3n7 > are you ever not going to neg me or should i sign the fucking visitor book

japiform hahaha

po57c0nt3n7 > im just going to draw a huge bulge on every page

japiform i'll sign it for you, i know you're all tied up :o)

po57c0nt3n7 > you are soooo funny

japiform ;o)

-----

po57c0nt3n7 > so a funny thing just happened

japiform oh?

po57c0nt3n7 > so whilst we were talking earlier you were a certain distance away > and now you are significantly closer > i wonder what thats about

japiform huh, weird i ain't got any idea where you're at motherfucker

po57c0nt3n7 > uh huh

japiform i just got some faithful worth roundin up in another sector fish bitch don't wholly order me around, and i ain't so solely a figurehead. i'm still runnin a mother fuckin CHURCH but if you wanted ta tell me your coords, i could come give you that kiss on my way ;o)

po57c0nt3n7 > not on your goddamn life > last thing i need right now is for you to take a "miraculous" tumble and crash through one of my walls kool-aid man style > do your clown shit idgaf

japiform by your mother fuckin leave

#ooc eyes only

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agentkgent · 5 years

Text

Song Insp. 1 - “Undrunk”

Inspired by “Undrunk” by FLETCHER; Eddie and Richie are in their freshman years at separate colleges, and broken up since high school (Richie didn’t think long distance would work); Anyway, Eddie sees Richie post photos with a cute boy and he gets drunk and he gets voicemail-happy. Enjoy. (Mild sexual content, some profanity, underage drinking, mention of throwing up, but overall pretty tame; Oh, also Pennywise never existed ok thanx)

Cleaned-up and updated version available on AO3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

[Please enter your password.]

****

[“Richie Tozier, mothafuckers!” You have. 19. New Voicemails.]

Voicemail 1 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:20 A.M. “Fuck-“ *low thud*

Voicemail 2 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:33 A.M. “Hi fuckface. It’s Eddie Spaghetti ... I fuckin hated that nickname, so it’s PRETTY WEIRD to call myself that, right? ... Like, do you call yourself ‘Trashmouth’? ... *a loud fake “HA!”* ... You probably do, nothing ever fuckin bothers you-”

Voicemail 3 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:43 A.M. “-don’t know why I’m even messing, but I just wanted you to know that this ‘cute little wimpy boy’ as you used to call me is drunk as FUCK right now in a bar full of hot dudes who are all touching me and buying me jello shots and shit-”

Voicemail 4 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:45 A.M. *shuffling noises* “-eriously Bev, FUCK OFF”

“Eddie, give me the phone!”

Voicemail 5 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:50 A.M. “The lovely Beverly Marsh would like me to tell you she says ‘hi’ and that she’s not condoning my bullshit ... but guess what, bitch? I don’t need anyone to condo my bull-” *hiccup* “-shit. Oh no. Oh fuck. How do I get rid of hiccups? BEV-”

Voicemail 6 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:53 A.M. *hiccup* “-ou think you’re the only fuckin person in the universe, you think you’re hot shit. I’m hot shit. I’ve kissed like, A LOT of dudes tonight, how about that?! Okay? They’re all buying me shots and shit and one guy even picked me up. Remember when you did that? Guess what, other guys can do that too! You’re not fucking special-”

Voicemail 7 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:54 A.M. “Richie, it’s Bev ... Hi, I’m sorry we haven’t talked in a while.” *bass rumbles from a song change in the background* “Listen ... I’m sorry about Eddie. He’s upset about something you posted on Instagram earlier today, I didn’t see it, so I don’t know what he’s pissed about. I dunno, it’s none of my business, but he’s just drunk and being stupid. I’ll try to get him to stop calling you ... Um, so, ... I hope you’re doing okay! Like I said, I’m sorry we haven’t, like, talked or anything in a while but I’d love to catch up! Maybe you can come visit NYU sometime? I mean, you can visit me at NYU. I don’t mean-” *a loud, drunk yell* “It’d just be nice to see you, Rich. Text me!”

Voicemail 8 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 1:56 A.M. “Hey dipshit your voicemail system keeps cutting me off, what the fuck?”

Voicemail 9 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 2:18 A.M. *silence* ... *a deep breath* ... *shuffling*

Voicemail 10 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 2:20 A.M. *club music and background noise is gone* *groan* ... “It’s just so fuckin’ easy for you to just MOVE ON, huh? Fucking bullshit. Mr. ‘I Love You But Long Distance Never Works.’ Mr. ‘Oh But This Guys Got Great Hair I’ll Fuck Him.’ He’s ugly, by the way. All the guys you go to school with look fucking ugly online. And you know that I don’t make shit up when I drink tequila, I just get more honest, so those fuckbois are ugly as hell-”

Voicemail 11 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 2:23 A.M. “I guess the best part of living far, far away from you is forgetting what you look like. Are you even still good-looking? You might be ugly, now too.” *quiet shuffling* ... *tapping noises* “I still got the photos you sent me ... I probably should have deleted them, but I guess I figured if I needed to have ammo ready in case you decided to be a dickhead-”

Voicemail 12 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 2:26 A.M. “Fuck... I forgot...” *muffled noises* ... *a deep, throaty breath* “Fuck...”

Voicemail 13 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 2:50 A.M. “Richie, I... I’m sorry ... This just ... Sucks.” *a deep breath* ... *quiet shuffling* “I don’t think it’s worth anything now and I’ve gotta-” *cough*

Voicemail 14 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 3:14 A.M. *clears throat* “...Well, I feel a little bit better after throwing up ... I’m also now realizing some of the horrible shit I’ve said tonight, so if you stopped listening to these voicemails, I’d understand ... But I’m just ... This is really hard. And I saw that photo of that fuckin guy, and you have your arm around him-”

Voicemail 15 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 3:15 A.M. “Dude, seriously, what the fuck is your voicemail’s problem? It keeps cutting me off. I’m trying to open up here.”

Voicemail 16 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 3:28 A.M. *deep breath* “I’m sorry. This is stupid ... Bye, Rich.”

Voicemail 17 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 3:57 A.M. *quiet sob* “I just... I wish I never met you, sometimes.” *sniffle* “Because now I always compare everyone to you ... And you’re gone, we’re done, like I get it. But it just sucks ... I really wish I could just like, ‘un-fuck’ you. You’re all I can think about when I - ... I hate that I miss you so much. I hate that I drank so much and got so fuckin- ugh, god, I kissed strangers.”

Voicemail 18 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 4:01 A.M. “This is gonna be the biggest regret of my fucking life, leaving you 300 voicemails. Please don’t abuse this. I’m not proud of it.”

Voicemail 19 | NOVEMBER 3, 2019 at 4:31 A.M. “Yeah, jus-” *soft thuds* “Just tell him-” *gentle taps*

“Rich? It’s Bev again. Hey, so. I’m with Eddie now, I’m making sure he gets to bed and doesn’t choke on his own puke. He said he’s really sorry. Um, but yeah, please don’t humiliate him? He’s kind of an emotional mess. Sorry again.” *shuffling noises* “Jesus, Eddie! How many voicemails did you leave him? He’ll probably send the police looking for us-”

[End of messages. To save messages, press-] *beep*

[Messages saved.]

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eddie’s head is pounding as his ears recognize the familiar digital noise ringing next to him. He instinctively picks up his phone and checks his screen.

*Incoming Facetime request from Richie Tozier*

He thinks he might throw up.

*Accept* and the video call connects.

“...Before you say anything, I’m paying for it dearly.” Eddie groans.

His eyes focus on the figure on his screen. It’s obnoxiously close and familiar and makes Eddie ashamed of himself. Richie doesn’t say anything. He just raises his eyebrows and waits for Eddie to say... something?

“And... I’m sorry, Rich.” Eddie rubs sleep from his eyes and feels a strong ache developing in his skull. “I’m an asshole. I’m really sorry. I’ll leave you alone forever now, bye-”

“Eddie!” Richie interrupts ferociously. “You left me. Almost 20 voicemails. What the fuck is your problem? Do you understand that when you leave 20 voicemails for someone, they’re gonna think you’re dead? Or kidnapped? Or trapped under a fallen vending machine, or some shit?!”

“Okay well, if I was kidnapped, it wouldn’t have done me any good. Why didn’t you answer?”

Richie scoffs and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Okay. Fuck off. First of all, you really think this would go any better if you’d talked to me?”

Eddie swallows. “No.”

“And SECONDLY, I left my phone at Stan’s house. We watched Zombeavers and I had my phone on silent.”

“...What the hell is Zombeavers?”

“Eddie are you fucking serious? Don’t ever fucking do that to me again!” He spits faster than anything Eddie’s heard him say and brushes his curls away from his face. “Thank your lucky stars that Beverly was taking care of you. I talked to her this morning.”

Eddie swipes down on his screen to check the time. 1:01 p.m.

“Goddamn it.” Eddie moans. His head is the swampiest he’s ever felt. Like his brain is sloshing around in alcohol. He gags visibly at the thought.

“Whatever you’re feeling, you deserve ten times worse.”

Eddie wipes his mouth and fidgets with his hair, brushing it away from his increasingly warm face. “Okay, I get it. I’m fucking sorry.” He can feel tears forming behind his eyes. “I’m fucking sorry. I was a drunk idiot. I was a jealous asshole and I need to mind my own fucking business.”

Richie doesn’t respond.

Eddie suspects the conversation is concluding, so he prepares to hang up as fast as he can say ‘goodbye’-

“He’s not my boyfriend.”

“What?”

Richie sighs. “The guy in the Instagram photo isn’t my boyfriend, I haven’t hooked up with him or anything. He’s Stan’s roommate. He’s also extremely straight. Like, next level hetero. Annoyingly hetero. I really like making him uncomfortable.”

Well, if Eddie didn’t feel ashamed before, he sure fuckin does now.

“Oh.”

“Yep. So, uh. Nothing to get jealous over, Eds.”

Eddie rolls his eyes. “Still? Can you stop?”

Richie’s face twists in disbelief. “You have no room to tell me to stop anything right now.”

“I’m sorry, though. For being jealous.”

Richie pauses. “It’s okay. A lot of the guys I go to school with are pretty ugly.” He leans away from the phone and shouts, “STANLEY INCLUDED!”

Eddie hears an echoed, “FUCK YOUUUU” from a voice somewhere behind Richie, who laughs. Proud of himself.

Eddie tries to smile, but he’s still empty.

“You have plenty of guys to keep you company, sounds like.” Richie says in a less-than-thrilled tone.

“I gave them pecks on the mouth.” Eddie says without looking back at his phone. “They bought me shots and tried to hit on me, but I don’t want to exchange saliva with strangers. I think I exaggerated in the voicemails, though.”

“Well, you always compare them to me, right? To the Trashmouth?”

Eddie’s own words are restored in his memory. “Jesus christ, I-”

“It’s okay, Eds. After my rage subsided and I talked to Bev and figured out that you were okay, I actually admired the honesty.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh mockingly at himself. “Yeah, that’s me. Super honest. To a fault.”

Richie smiles. “Bev and I talked about hanging out next weekend. Got any plans?”

Eddie’s eyebrow twitches and he looks back to his screen. “What?”

“I’m gonna come up next weekend. Bev invited me to stay for a weekend. I’ve never been to New York.” Richie shrugs.

Eddie can’t form words. He almost forgets that Richie can see him right now via digital video. He shouldn’t want to see Richie, but he does. He knows it now. It’s out of his mouth, out there in the universe. Fuck, it’s recorded in digital audio format.

“Are you free?”

“I uh...” Eddie stutters. “Yeah. Yeah, I- I free.”

“You’re still cute as can be, Eds.” Richie’s smile is sickeningly sweet.

Eddie lets a smile show on his face for a half-second, then presses his lips into a firm line. “Don’t call me Eds.”

Richie’s face changes immediately. “Oh! By the way!” He’s wearing a sleazy grin. “You kept photos of me? ...Like, those photos?”

Eddie has to take a moment to remember.

His face immediately goes neon red at the memory of resurfacing sext pictures and dick pics of Richie that they’d shared their senior years at Derry High School. He’d dug them up in his photo stream and... looked... too long at them. He can’t help but slap his own hand across his expression.

“Dude!” Richie laughs and is fixated on Eddie’s reaction. “Are you serious? You kept those? I thought I was an asshole for keeping a photo of you shirtless. You kept pictures of my dick?”

“Ok.” Eddie tries to punctuate the conversation.

“What else? I think I remember sending you my ass a couple times.”

“Alright, Rich. Don’t rub it in. I’m not proud of what I did.”

Richie pauses. “What do you mean ‘what you did?’”

Eddie feels like he might drop dead from self-inflicted humiliation. He doesn’t respond, he tries to think of a deflect.

“Eddie Kaspbrak...” Richie’s breath hitches in his throat. He’s not smiling. “Did you jerk off last night between voicemails?”

“Okay Rich, I’m sorry again about all the voicemails. But we’re good now, right?” Eddie presses.

“EDDIE DID YOU JERK OFF TO PHOTOS OF ME?” Richie yells, giant grin on his face and his eyes going dark. There’s a muffled, “What the fuck?” that comes from Stanley somewhere in the background, and Eddie is going to throw himself into oncoming traffic because certain death is better than the absolute tormenting embarrassment of this situation.

“You’ll figure everything out with Bev and we’ll see you next weekend, yeah?“ Eddie rushes to end the conversation.

“Hey! What the fuck! All I have is a shirtless pic to work off of, you’ve got like, Spielberg angles on my anatomy!” Richie chuckles. “Send me some new material, fucker!”

“Wow. Oh my god. Okay, good to talk to you, Rich.”

“Eddie.” Richie says, softer.

He looks at his screen one more time. “Yeah?”

“Text me next time?”

#reddie #college!reddie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak

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